I’m sittin’ here waitin’ for Giles. Well. Kinda waitin’ for Giles. He’s on the phone with someone but he hasn’t taken his eyes offa me since I came in here to talk to him. Now me, I’m not one for big long talks. Funny considering how much I run my mouth. I’m sure B would think that was funny too. But I can’t be thinkin’ of her right now. Right now I gotta concentrate on not freakin’ out at Giles’ death glare. He hangs up the phone with a soft click an’ sighs. “Faith.” Well he doesn’t sound too pissed. Only a little pissed.

“G.” He nods at me once and takes off his glasses. Yeah he doesn’t actually wanna look me in the face right now. It’s cool. I never wanna look myself in the face. I lean back in the chair with my legs stretched out in front of me. I look all calm but I’m anything but. Part of runnin’ from B was runnin’ from Giles. I know. I’m a fuck up. I knew I was bound to fuck up lots more before but what I did...that was too much. An’ I don’t expect he’d ever forgive me and that’s okay too. I don’t really forgive myself either. “B said you wanted to talk to me.”

He nods again and stares out the window. Well I did my part. I came in here an’ did the good soldier routine. Now it’s up to him. But he’s not sayin’ jack shit to me. Of course he’s not. I shake my head and start ta get up but his voice makes me pause. “Sit down Faith.” Uh. Fuck you G, I don’t take orders anymore. But yeah that shit never makes it out of my mouth. Instead I just sit my ass down an’ wait. Like the big pussy that I am. I grunt and cross my arms over my chest. “Do you have any idea how angry I am with you right now?” Yeah. I kinda sorta have an idea.

I raise my brows an’ shake my head. “Well you’re just sittin’ there so I’m guessin’ not pissed enough.” Because if he was he’d be over here hittin’ me. Or tryin’ to. Giles turns his attention to me finally. Hrm. I think I liked it better when he was staring out the window. At least then I wouldn’t feel like the bad kid sent the principal’s office. “So. You gonna glare me in to submission?” I know I’m bein’ an asshole but really it’s the only way I know how to be. Plus. I really like bein’ an ass. It’s kinda fun, an’ since this little trip is more like a road trip to Hell I might as well get my giggles in somewhere.

“Clearly you’ve not changed.” Clearly. Where the fuck has he been for the last year? I smirk at that because it annoys him. It always did. “I’m not going to ask where you were because I already know. Nor am I going to ask what caused you to leave because I’m not sure I want to know that.” He doesn’t know. She never told him. So what? Like she just kept all this shit to herself an’ never told anyone but her girlfriend? Why? Why would she do that? “You broke her heart Faith. And you did it in the worst possible way. You reminded her of Angel.” Oh fuck this.

I reminded her of Angel? No fuckin’ wonder B thinks she’s in love with me. She’s in love with the image of me. “Bet you’re wrong on that one G. Sure I broke her heart. Sure it felt like Angel all over again but it was worse than that.” An’ yeah like the little shit I am I’m fuckin’ smilin’ about it. He’s givin’ me a look like he could fuckin’ take my head off right now. I wish he would. C’mon Ripper, I know you’re in there somewhere. “She didn’t tell ya did she? Nah I didn’t think so. That’s B all over though right? Tell ya just enough to get ya cheerin’ for her but not enough ta let ya get close.” It’s a fucked up thing to say ‘cause it’s true.

Giles pushes away from his desk and stands. That’s right. Now that I have his attention it shouldn’t take long before he lashes out. “Do tell Faith. Painful as it may be we’re all quite curious to know what happened between you and Buffy that night.” Well if he’s askin’ so nice I might as well right? I open my mouth but there’s a knock at the door. It pushes open an’ Sushi walks in. Jesus is the kid everywhere or what? Whatever. She’s probably really the person I want to piss off ‘cause she can dish it a lot better than G can. “Now is not a good time Satsu. If you could come back later perhaps?”

She’s lookin’ from me to him an’ back. “Well I would. But um Buffy’s looking for Faith. She sent me up here to get her.” Huh? I look at Giles and then Sush. Buffy just sent my ass up here why is she tryin’ ta get me out of here? An’ why now? When I’m just about to deal with this bullshit and get the fuck out of town? “So...can she go?” Giles just gives me a small nod an’ I get out of the chair. This fuckin’ blows. I breeze past the kid an’ start down the hall but she stops me with a hand on my arm. God. It’d be so easy to snap that thing. “Wrong way.”

Yeah. Well. I never was known for doin’ things the right way. I sigh an’ follow her to one of the training rooms. I know this one. It’s the one that I caught her an’ B in last year. Just fuckin’ great. My feet stop me at the doorway because I don’t see Buffy an’ I really don’t want to walk in to a set up. “If B wanted ta see me why’d she send you?” Because c’mon, I think we all know where we stand here. She hates me. I hate her. So. Why am I here? An’ why is she holdin’ on to the punching bag like that?

“She didn’t.” I fuckin’ knew it. So it looks like this is the part where me an’ the kid throw down. God I hope she’s as good as B thinks she is. I shrug my jacket off an’ toss it to the side. Might as well get this over with. “I don’t want to fight you Faith, I just thought you’d want to let off a little steam before you do something stupid like tell Giles what you did to her.” Wha? I blink at her an’ frown because I’m not sure I get what’s goin’ on here. She wants me to work out with her? Or...something? I’m not sure.

My brow comes up but I move in close to the bag, not even botherin’ to tape up. “Didn’t know you were all for savin’ me from myself. B sure knows how ta pick ‘em.” I shake my head once before taking a few jabs at the bag. They aren’t hard really. I’m just testin’ to see how good a hold she has on the bag before I really get warmed up. She shrugs a lil bit at me an’ I throw a nice four hit combo. The bag doesn’t get too far away. That’s good. Means she’s strong. Good enough for me.

“Well.” She grunts when I hit the bag harder with each punch. “I’m not so much for the saving you from anything to be honest. Not after what you did to her.” Yeah. Me either kid. I hit the bag harder, focusing on the power in my body, an’ the pace of my breathing. “Personally I think Buffy is making a mistake bringing you here, but she loves you. And that means something to me even if it doesn’t mean dick to you.” Heh. The littlest lesbo said dick. Yeah I know it’s lame but I thought it was fuckin’ hilarious.

My laugh is light but it’s not real. It’s just what it is. Somethin’ to break the silence between us. An’ somethin’ to mock the idea that Buffy loves me. “You’re right. She’s makin’ the biggest mistake of her life.” But she’s not right about the other part. It does mean something to me. It means more than I can even think about, which is why I’m pretendin’ not to hear it when she says it. “Thing is, B’s got this thing about savin’ souls.” Too bad she couldn’t save mine. “It’s a thing with her and badasses.” I glance at Sushi an’ try not to smirk too big at her. I guess she knows all about the bad boys in B’s life.

“You’re not telling me anything I don’t know Faith. She’s sensitive. She’s kind. And she loves with her whole heart. She even loves people that really don’t deserve it.” And you do kid? I don’t even hafta ask because she shakes her head. “I’m not saying I deserve her. But I know you sure as hell don’t.” Right again. The kid is kinda smart. I still can’t stand her ‘cause she had what I’ll never get but at least she’s not stupid. I stop hittin’ the bag an’ take a step back. Sushi watches me like she’s tryin’ ta read me. Ain’t gonna happen. The only person that can do that an’ do it right is Xander.

I wanna be a dick about this. I really really fuckin’ do. “You’re not wrong.” Even I knew that shit. An’ long before this one was even called. “But you don’t know everything. You know exactly nothin’ about what really went down with me an’ B. ‘Cause if you did, if you knew what I did to her, an’ how I liked it...” Fuck me. She hits goddamn hard. But that’s more like it. I give her a slight snarl an’ square off. “Mmm. Knew you were still sweet on her. Must burn your fuckin’ noodle that she’s still tryin’ ta save a sorry excuse like me huh?”

She shakes her head slightly but I noticed she didn’t put her hands down. No. She wants ta fight me. She wants to take it all out on me. I might just let her. Well. Maybe not. I mean I do have all this rage an’ if I hurt the kid B will get all pissed off an’ mi...hrm. I think I’m havin’ an idea here. “What are you two doing?” Just as I’m about to knock in the kid’s teeth I hear Buffy right behind us. Fuck. I’m get the feelin’ I’m gonna have zero satisfaction today. Unless of course Sushi wants to go a round despite the look she’s probably gettin’ from B. I gotta give her credit though. Sush still hasn’t put ‘em down or backed off.

So. Strong and brave and protective of Buffy. I hesitate for a second before stepping back an’ givin’ her a half smirk. “Not bad for a kid.” Now she’s all puzzled but I don’t care. I just turn on a heel and pull my jacket on. I need a smoke. Buffy’s still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. Her green eyes goin’ between me and her lil fuck buddy over there. “Don’t get ‘em in a twist B. I didn’t touch her.” Was gonna. But I didn’t. Buffy opens her mouth but I cut her off. “Gonna smoke.”

That’s code for Faith doesn’t wanna talk. Let’s hope that she doesn’t go chasin’ after me again.

Okay. This is so not what I was hoping for. I mean I let Faith out of my sight for a few minutes and she’s already picking fights. I sigh heavily when she pushes past me and heads for the main hall. Right. Smoke. Which means she’s planning on being alone. Too bad for her Xander is wandering around looking for someone to annoy. Which would probably be safer if he wasn’t looking specifically for Faith. I glance at Satsu who’s looking pretty ashamed of herself right now. “Okay...so Faith wasn’t the one doing the touching but I’m getting the feeling you were.”

You know if I weren’t so annoyed right now I might actually think that was hot. Well. Maybe not so much. “Sorry. She just...god Buffy it’s like she wants us to hate her.” Well that would be because she does. Hello? Am I the only one here that sees right through Faith’s little attitude problem? Satsu drops her head again and I feel like an asshole. I should cut her a little slack because this can’t be easy for her. I move in to the room and rest a hand on her shoulder. “Guess that was kind of a dumb question huh?”

I nod a bit. “Only a little.” But I’m smiling because I don’t want her to get hurt by that. Faith is very good at doing what she does best. Which is vilifying herself. Satsu takes a deep breath but I pull her in to a hug. “Don’t worry about it, she’s kind of used to getting hit.” Not that I want Satsu to start hitting Faith. That could end badly if Faith isn’t in the mood to let someone beat her up. She chuckles and pulls away from me and hey look at that. No more sad face. I’m so good they should give me my own holiday. And wow that was only a little arrogant.

“Buffy?” I raise my brows at her. “I may not agree with you forgiving her, but I see why you went to find her.” Oh? Does she? Is this going to be one of those moments that drive me insane? The ones where she makes more sense of me than I can make of myself? Because I gotta tell you, those really do a tap dance on my last nerve. “She needs help in a bad way or she’s going to fall right off the deep end and never look back.” Oh. Well. Being right about Faith is a different story. She can be right about Faith so long as her right matches with my right. Er. Whatever.

“That’s what I’m afraid of. She’s close but she’s not there yet.” And that makes her vulnerable. Only this time I’m not going to do to her what I’ve done in the past. I’m not going to hurt her when she’s like this. I can’t. Not this time. “I know you’re not fond of her but thanks. For keeping an eye out and not trying to pound her face in to mush.” Well she was trying. Good thing I walked in before trying became failing. Satsu nods and I leave before this becomes more awkward than it already is.

My steps lead me to the steps to the tower. I take them two at a time and push out of the door to the roof. This is my thinking place. No one is ever up here and that’s why I like it. I need some time to think about things. About Faith. And how I’m going to get past this Great Wall of China she’s put up between us. And don’t get me wrong here. I’m not entirely okay with her. I love her. And I’m willing to forgive a hell of a lot. But we need to talk. There are things that I’m having a hard time letting go of and I need to make sure that I don’t use them against her when we talk.

Though it’s Faith and she may not give me a choice. I don’t think she wants my forgiveness. Personally I think Xander was right. She's got a death wish and I can see that she’s already looking for trouble. Why can’t my life ever be simple and easy? Is having a nice, caring, love affair with another woman too much to ask for? Okay sure the other woman is a Slayer. A former convict. A former murderer. Oh and an almost rapist. Jesus. No wonder Faith doesn’t want to be forgiven. That’s all she sees when she looks in the mirror. In a way. I think that Angel had it way easier than Faith does.

He never had to see his own reflection. I lean against the low wall and stare out on to the grounds. Even from here I can see Faith. Granted my eyes generally go to her whenever she’s near enough to see. And sometimes just near enough to feel. There have been times when I was so close to her I could feel her inside of me. Not...um...that kind of inside of me. I could feel her in my soul. Which is something that I thought I would never in my life feel. Not after Angel. But Angel never really got this deep. I thought he was my forever.

More than that I thought he was my soulmate. But he wasn’t. He was cursed with his soul so he really didn't have a whole lot to share. I would have shared everything I had with him but he couldn’t be a part of that. Not with what he was. I was just too young to see what he saw when he left me after graduation. He saw the only other person in the world that would know and understand me for who and what I am. He saw Faith. I think that’s why he bent over backward to try and help her. To protect her from my rage when I came to kill her for what she’d done.

God that had made me so angry. How could he choose her over me? But that was then. Now I see so clearly. What’s that saying? Hind sight is 20/20. He saw in Faith then what I’ve only just begun to see. There’s just so much shit to work through between us. So much anger and pain that I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to lay it to rest. I don’t know if she’ll ever love me the way I need her to. And to be really honest here...I’m kind of scared of finding out. I know. I know. I just said how all I wanted was the love of a good woman. Wow. Faith would get a kick out of that thought.

And I do want that. I want that with her. But it’s scary. We’ve done so much to each other that I’m not sure there’s enough of our souls left to share. Right now Faith doesn’t even think she has a soul. And I just don’t know how to show her that she does. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess the only thing I can do. I’ll just have to love her with every breath I take and hope that she lets me.

Chapter Five

You know if I had known that Xander was gonna be all over me this trip I might not have decided to come. But then...if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be hangin’ out in my favorite tree smokin’ a joint with him. So I guess it’s not so bad bein’ back here. At least at the moment it’s not so bad. I pass off to him an’ stare out over the grounds. “So how’d it go with Giles?” Oh that. I turn my gaze to Xander and shrug a little. It didn’t go great but thanks to Sushi’s timely intervention I didn’t do somethin’ really stupid. Which of course only makes me dislike the kid even more.

“Wasn’t great.” Giles is pissed at me. I get that. I hurt his baby girl by takin’ off like I did. Xander nods to himself and readjusts his eye patch before passing back to me. “I kinda sorta made a mess of it.” My boy just laughs at me. Yeah I know. I keep callin’ him that like it matters but...I guess it kinda does. I really missed Xander. Not that I wanna admit all of this but it’s gonna come out eventually. Might as well own up to it. “Dunno what you’re laughin’ at Chuckles. He’s not exactly impressed by your mission to find me.”

Xander snorts and makes a vague gesture with his hands. “Yeah well I don’t really care if it impressed him. I only care that you’re here now. Which by the way is where you belong. Not in the middle of the swamp in Florida.” I blink at him. I lived in Tampa. Not exactly middle of the swamp. But hey whatever. It probably wouldn’t have mattered if I had been stayin’ at the Ritz, he’d still think it was the wrong place to be. I don’t agree with him but I am kinda glad that I’m here. Truthfully I was startin’ ta get a lil bit scared. Or maybe not scared so much as tired. Of all of it.

Tired of myself mostly I think. “Look Xand, I know ya think this is the right thing for me but bein’ around Buffy isn’t gonna be easy. An’ it’ll probably raise all kinds of hell here. What I...” I stop there. As much as I was so willing to tell Giles what I’ve done I really don’t feel the same about Xander. I don’t want him to hate me forever. He puts an arm around me and I wish that I deserved the comfort it brings me but I don’t. So I shrug it off. “Let’s just say that what went down was fucked up an’ leave it at that. B was better off with me bein' as far away from her as possible.” Here it comes. I can tell he’s gonna get all huffy with me just by the look on his face.

“You know what Faith? I’m kinda getting tired of this whole song and dance.” What? I look at him an’ blink ‘cause I don’t know what to say to that. “You and Buffy had the bad happen. Again. It happens and with you two, it happens alot. We all deal. Well all of us except you. You run. And then you make yourself suffer.” I should suffer. I open my mouth to say that and he cuts me off. “What? You think I don’t know what happened? I was right there Faith. Right fucking there. I was the first person to see Buffy right after you walked out and I was the first person she came to when she wanted to get you back. So don’t sit there and think that I don’t know or that I’m totally oblivious. Because I’m not.” Well that was a mouthful but somethin’ tells me he’s not done with his little speech. “Do I think what you did was wrong on too many levels to count? Yes. Do I forgive you? Yeah I really do. Wanna know why?” He doesn’t give me a chance to shoot him down on that. “Because she forgives you and that’s enough for me.”

I think that’s gotta be the longest speech he’s ever given. Even Xander looks shocked at himself. I wish I had somethin’ to say to that. “Xander...I don’t...”

He sighs heavily and puts a hand over my mouth. Now I know he didn’t loose his fuckin’ mind so I don’t know why he did that. I grab his wrist and twist with just a hint of a squeeze. He yelps but lets me go with a quickness. “Okay ow.” I give him a mild glare and shake my head. What the fuck does he think? That I’m all sunshine an’ rainbows an’ shit now that I’m here? Fuck that. I’m still me. “You know what Faith...you’ve got to learn to let it go. If you don’t you’re going to lose the only chance you’ll ever have to really fix this. You want to make it better?” Honestly I don’t know the answer to that.

“Well...” I shrug. “I shoulda never done what I did Xander. Ain’t no comin’ back from that. Buffy...she just thinks she loves me ‘cause I’m broken an’ she wants to fix me.” I hate that I’m about to say what I’m gonna say. “It isn’t real.” He gives me the most incredulous look I’ve ever seen on his face.

“Wow if I had known you were going to be this dumb I would have left your ass in Florida.” Nice. Just what every girl wants ta hear. I sigh and shake my head. Whatever. “You love her don’t you?” Do I? Is that what all this is about? Love? I’m not so sure. I shrug my shoulder again an’ take a double deep hit. The shit is almost gone so I offer it back to Xander. He’s waitin’ for me to answer him. An’ I want to. I mean...I know how I’ve always felt about B. It’s just hard ta talk about ya know? There’s just so much more to the story than just the past year. We’ve got more shit to deal with than the government has secrets.

“Yeah Xander. I really do.” Which is why I hate myself for what I did. Why I can’t ever let us get that close again. Because I remember the look in her eyes. The fear and the revulsion. I remember exactly how she struggled against me to get free. I’ll never forget it because I dream about it every fuckin’ night. “It’s why I left. ‘Cause I can’t seem to do anythin’ but hurt her. It’s not right.” I’m not right. Xander closes his eye and turns his head away. I think he’s playin’ with fire by closin’ that eye. His balance is for shit anyway and he’s probably gonna take a header right out of this tree. Which would really suck ‘cause it’s a long way down from here. And that ground don’t look none too soft.

Xander finally opens his eye and moves so that he can swing down from the branch. “If you think running is making things better you’re wrong. But I’m not going to try and convince you to change your mind. I can’t. You’re the only person that can do that Faith. And you’re the only person that can give Buffy what she needs.” I don’t know what she needs so how can I be the one to give it to her? This whole love thing is fuckin’ complicated. Add to the fact that it’s me an’ B an’ you’ve got a fuckin’ circus of complication. He drops lightly to the ground and flicks the roach away from himself. “You going to hide up there all day or are you going to go find Buffy?” Uh well to be honest I was plannin’ on stayin’ up here for a little while longer. I take one look at Xand and sigh.

“You’re not gonna make this easy for me an’ just let me get on with it my way are ya?” He shakes his head. Yeah. I kinda knew this was gonna happen. Just another reason why I didn’t want to come here in the first place. I always end up caving in to whatever they ask of me. It’s bullshit an’ I’m not sure why I do it. It just happens that way. I jump down from my spot and land lightly next to him. “I didn’t think so. Look. I appreciate the advice an’ all but I don’t think I’m ready to get in to it with B. Just not feelin’ in the mood for a throw down anymore.” Plus I don’t think she wants ta see me right now. Not after walkin’ in on me about to put Sushi’s lights out. I know what she said. That they aren’t together or whatever.

An’ I believe that. I don’t smell Sushi clingin’ to B’s skin the way I did before. But that don’t mean that Buffy will let me beat the hell out of her girl. It just means that she’s not fuckin’ her or anyone else at the moment. Which brings me back to that look she gave me last night. I know what it means. I’ve given that look to other people before. It means she wants ta fuck me. Which ain’t gonna happen no matter how bad I want it to. “Uh huh.” Damnit. I know what he’s doin’. I don’t like it an’ I really wish I could hit him. Just this once. Just enough to get him ta stop lookin’ at me like that. Fuck. Shit never goes the way I want it to. I grunt an’ shove my hands in to my pockets before walkin’ away from him. I think I just wanna go back to my room for awhile. No one is gonna wanna bust my chops if they can’t find me.

I hope anyway. I’m wanderin’ without really lookin’ where I’m going. I don’t need to though. Bein’ a Slayer has it’s advantages, might as well use ‘em for somethin’. ‘Cause I know they aren’t getting much use on the slayin’ front. I mean I’ve done some slayin’ in the past year just not like I should. I kinda feel the itch to do it but it’s like I’m too tired to bother. It’s fuckin’ depressing. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised when I run in to Giles in the hall. Thinkin’ about slayin’ and not paying much attention to where I’m going is kinda like a cosmic jinx when it comes to Giles. I bump in to him an’ glance up quickly. Of course it hadda be him I bump in to didn’t it? “Faith. A word?”

Great. He wants a word. I follow him in to his office and slump in to a chair without saying a word. He watches me for a long time before sittin’ in the chair next to me. Earlier he was all set ta tell me to pack up and ship off. Now he’s just sittin’ there watching me. It’s creepy. “You’re startin’ ta creep me out G.” But I’m not lookin’ at him as I say it. I don’t wanna look at anyone. So I’m kinda surprised when I feel his hand on mine. I look at it and then to him. His face is so sad. There’s this little frown line between his brows an’ I think he’s strugglin’ to say something. But it’s not him with something to say. It’s me. “I’m sorry...” I don’t know why my voice cracks on that last word but it does.

Is it warm in here or what? Giles grips my hand a lil bit tighter before he pulls me in to a hug. I’m shocked. Well. Whatever more than shocked is. I’m that. For a few seconds all I can do is sit here feelin’ weird an’ shit but then I curl my arms around him an’ hug back. God. I fuckin’ missed him. I think...I think I might wanna cry. Which ain’t gonna happen right now. I pull back and clear my throat, tryin’ to pull myself together. Giles takes his glasses off an’ starts ta polish them. That’s fine. It gives me time ta pretend that I wasn’t about to bawl like a fuckin’ baby. He looks at me from the corner of his eye an’ I sneak a peek right back. So now the awkward part. “Well. Business as usual. I expect you to be available for patrol tonight. Normally you would be partnered with Buffy for the night but she’s currently working on a project.” Which means what exactly?

“You’ll be working with Satsu tonight.”

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a fuckin’ million times. Shit never goes my way. I sigh an’ open my mouth but close it at the look from Giles. Right. Gotta pull my own weight around here. “Fine. But don’t blame me if the fish comes back with a split lip an’ some broken bones.” Before he can say anything I hold up a hand. “I know. I know. Her name is Satsu. Geez, when’d you people get so fuckin’ uptight?” Probably around the time that I went crazy.

Again. Always the fucking agains. I’m thinkin’ I should have learned a lesson a long time ago. The thing is I don’t know what the lesson was supposed to be. “Only just.” Yeah right. I snort at that and leave his office. We might not be holdin’ hands an’ singin’ la la la all over the castle but me and G are good. Good enough to get on with it. So that’s like two down an’ everyone and their mom left to go. Wait. Wasn’t I gonna be against all this makin’ it right shit? Motherfucker. I pause and look around me. Where the fuck am I? I think I’m lost. There are slayers wandering in and out of rooms and down the hall but no one is paying me much attention. A small dark head pops in to my line of sight and I sigh. Shit.

“Faith. You look a little lost.” Goddamn kid is everywhere. I’m startin’ to think she’s keepin’ tabs on me. That’s not something I like. My brows come up but I shake my head. It’d be stupid of me to keep wanderin’ around the castle until I figure it out. But askin’ her for anything just really takes the piss outta me.

Whatever. “Got turned around leavin’ Giles’ office.” See it’s not askin’ for help when I make a statement like that. She nods and points to a staircase I hadn’t seen a second ago. This place is like freakin’ Hogwarts. I nod an’ start that way but stop when I realize that Sushi is followin’. “Thanks.” She looks at the stairs and then me. “I can find it from here ya know.” I’m not that retarded.

“Yeah I know it’s just that I’m on patrol tonight and my sword is still in Buffy’s room.” Which is obviously in the same direction I’m goin’. I shrug and start toward the stairs. Hey I didn’t even comment about her leavin’ anything in B’s room. “So Giles said it was you and me tonight. We’re not going to have a repeat of the training room thing are we?” Depends on you Sush. You gonna try an’ talk? I just look at her and shrug. It’s gonna be a long patrol. I really hope there are plenty of vamps and demons to distract me. I look around and note that I finally know where the fuck I am. I smirk a little and stop at the door to my room.

Why am I not surprised when she stops too? “You gonna follow me around all day?” Yeah I’m irritated. The last person besides Buffy that I wanna be spendin’ time with right now is her. An’ here she fuckin’ is. Right in my fuckin’ face every damn time I turn around. I don’t think this patrol is gonna go so good if this keeps happenin’.

“No. It’s just that you’re at the wrong door. Yours is that one there. This one is Buffy’s.” Oh. Well don’t I feel like an asshole? I give her a mild look before movin’ off to my own door. So. B stuck me right next to her huh? I don’t know what that means. I’m not sure I even wanna know what that means. It could be anythin’ from her not trustin’ me to her wanting to keep me close because she wants me. Or it could be that she's worried about me. Just like she said. An’ maybe she wanted me close to her so that...nah. I gotta stop thinkin’ about Buffy bein’ in love with me an’ needin’ me. She isn’t and she doesn’t. Plus who am I kidding? When was the last time I gave Buffy anything but a goddamn headache and multiple contusions?

I kick the door shut behind me and grab my bag. This will probably be the one and only time I say thank god for teleporting. If I had ta try and sneak my goodies through airport security we mighta had a problem. There’s a knock at the door just as I’m pullin’ out a rolled up piece of canvas. “It’s open.” I give the roll a lil shake and let it unfold on the bed. Everything in it has a place. Sushi pokes her head in and blinks. I know she’s eyein’ my kit. Go ahead kid. Be jealous. Heh. I pull out a long wicked lookin’ blade and tuck it at the small of my back before pullin’ out the throwing knives and slipping them in to various pockets and hiding spots on my person. What? I’m a knife kinda girl. “Ready to get ‘er done?”

Satsu...yeah I know her fuckin’ name alright? Satsu just nods at me an’ I smirk. She’s fuckin’ petrified of my arsenal. Or maybe she’s petrified of me. Either way it’s the fuckin’ highlight of my day. “So about that question I asked earlier. No repeats right?” I should make her sweat it out. I should.

“Relax kid.” Sure. I can say it but I don’t think she’s gonna do it. I gotta give her somethin’ more than just ‘relax kid’. I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. Satsu swallows hard an’ I narrow my eyes at her. “I’m not...I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I know you don’t believe me an’ there’s no way for me to prove it but that’s what’s up. Okay? I just wanna do my time an’ go home.” Where ever that is. Haven’t decided yet. She nods an’ I let out a breath of relief. Good. So no fightin’. So long as she tries not to piss me off I think we’re good. “Lets go. I got a crazy strong urge to do some damage.” There’s a lil gleam to the kid’s eye. I know that look. It’s B’s look. An’ yeah I don’t like the kid but I can’t help the passin’ smile that flashes across my face. It’s a Slayer thing.

“So you want me to take you off the schedule for tonight?" I nod at Giles and pull my legs up to tuck under me. He’s just sitting there, staring at me from across his desk. “May I ask why you need to change?” I know he’s not asking because it’s a problem or a huge deal. I think he’s just asking because he wants to know if it has to do with Faith. But it doesn’t. Or. It does. But it wasn’t because she did something wrong. “It’s not like you to miss a patrol. Especially a patrol with Satsu.” Well yeah. She’s fun to work with. No one wants to miss a patrol with her. It’s why she’s my number one pick to take over this place when I’m ready to leave. Whenever that will be.

I bite my lip a little trying to decide how to say this. “Well. Normally I wouldn’t but I think I need to take the night off. To prepare.” Prepare. I don’t know why I said that. Now he’s going to think that I have something special that I want to be doing. “Not prepare. I just...I need time. There’s a lot of overwhelming stuff going on at the moment and I have to sort through it all.” He gives me a slow nod but I can tell that he doesn’t entirely believe me.

“Buffy. You know that you can tell me anything right?” Yeah I know. I nod a bit at it.

“It’s really nothing Giles. I just want to see if Willow can help me make sense of that dream I shared with Faith. I need to know if there’s some kind of external force messing with her or if she’s just finally hitting rock bottom.” Because guilt will do terrible things to you if you let it. And she’s totally letting it.

He sighs and I know this is going to turn in to a talk. “She made her choices Buffy. I don’t see why you continue to expect change. Faith does not want our help.”

Yes she does. “You’re wrong.” He gives me a slight glare. I know what I’m talking about.

“Well all the evidence points to the contrary. Unless you have some personal insight in to Faith’s motivations I think you’re the one that’s wrong.” Great. Okay. Fine.

He asked for it. “You know every time I think you’re wrong you get all huffy. I don’t know why because in the end...I’m always right.” Well not always. There were a few times when I was really off base. But for the most part I’m right!

“You...” I smirk when I realize he’s not going to fight me on it. “Yes. Fine. Night off. I’ll pair Faith with Satsu then.” Oh boy.

“That’s probably not a good idea Giles. Faith has some very strong feelings about my...er...time with Satsu.” Which is not surprising considering how everything happened.

Giles stares at me for a long second before he clears his throat and takes off his glasses to polish them. “Is that what happened then? She found out about your relationship and left?” Oh no. It was so much more than that. I shake my head as if to clear it of the memory.

“If only. Look. I did some really horrible things to Faith when she was here. I’d like to make this time less traumatic if I can.” Which means no patrols with Satsu.

Giles isn’t buying it. Well shit. “I would think that Faith would have better reason than that to leave me behind on a mission.” Oh. I see. This isn’t about Faith leaving me here. It’s about her leaving him. Oh Giles.

I’m so damn sorry. I swallow hard and look away from him. “I hurt her Giles. I...I forced her in to a very bad position for both of us. She wouldn’t have left you otherwise.”

Not in a million years I think. “What happened Buffy?” Nope. Not going there. Not with him. I shake my head at that.

“So not important. But what is important is Faith. So change the roster completely.” He shakes his head at me. Why do I get the feeling this is going to be less easy than I want it to be?

“No. I don’t want Faith to be in an uncomfortable position either but it won’t help things to keep them separated. Let them duke it out as you say.” Oh boy. That could end badly. But hey if he’s taking the power out of my hands then I can always blame him later for the blood stains in the hall.

At least Satsu can handle herself. She’d be smart enough to run away if she was getting her ass seriously handed to her. And Faith. Well. Lets hope she shows some restraint. “Fine. I’ll just make sure the infirmary is well stocked.” He chuckles at that and I get up. I know he wants this bad blood between Faith and like everyone else to be over. I do too. But that won’t happen unless she gets over this thing she’s going through. I don’t even know how to deal with this. I’d say she needs to talk to someone but Faith is never big with the talking. Well. She is when she’s bragging about sex. Then you can’t get her to shut up. I have to admit. I’m kind of curious to see if she’s really as good as she says she is.

I mean. I’ve had thoughts. Very serious thoughts about what it would be like. And everything I keep coming up with is better than anything I’ve had before. But that’s not real. That’s just me being lonely very late at night. When Giles clears his throat I realize that I’ve been standing here in his office with sex kitten face. Great. That’s lovely. Really. I blush and high tail it out of there. Wow. Awkward. Well at least that little talk is over and out of the way. Now I can avoid any eye contact with Giles for a few days until we all forget about my little lust episode. God. See what Faith does to me? When she’s not dragging me in to scary dreams that is.

I stop by Willow’s room and poke my head in. She’s not here. Weird. Next stop, Xander’s room. I pad down the hall and knock on his door. No answer. I open the door and glance in hoping that I don’t catch him in here with a girl. Or. Ew. Alone. Gross. Not thinking about that. Nope. He’s gone too. What the hell? Where is everyone? I take a minute to center myself before letting my senses pick up on Willow. I’ve never been especially great at the tracking part of Slaying but I’ve gotten better over the years. I can just make out the scent of her perfume on the air. Neat. I follow it down to the tech area.

Well. I probably could have started my search here instead of wasting time. But whatever. “Hey Buff. I was just finishing up here. What’s up?” I sit in the chair next to her and smile a little. Boy is that ever a heavy question?

“Will you’re my bestest bud in the world right?” She gives me a wary look.

“Yeah...why?”

“How do you feel about dreams?” I know this isn’t making much sense to her because she just furrows her brow in confusion.

“In general or is there a specific dream you want to talk about.” I watch as she types in a few things on her keyboard without taking her eyes off me. That’s kind of a neat trick.

“I need to know if the dream I shared with Faith was a warning of something to come. Or if someone is messing with her or...” Or if it’s her.

Willow’s mouth forms a little ‘o’ as I trail off. “Ah. I was wondering when you’d ask about that.” Okay well it’s good to see we’re on the same page at least. That’s my Wills.

I give her a little shrug. “I just kind of need to know if this is something I can fight or something I need to just wait out.”

Because I can wait for fucking ever if I have to. “It’s going to take some time but I think I can figure it out without talking to Faith about it.”

Which is extra good because I don’t think that Faith is going to be willing to talk about that. “Good. You’re awesome. You do know that right?” She smirks at me and nods. Of course she knows that. She’s Willow.

“Well you know me. Always cooler than the cool kids.” That makes me smile a little wider. To me Willow was always cooler than Cordelia. “Meet me up in my room in twenty?”

“You got it.” I give her a kiss on the top of her head when I get up. You know. As much distance as I’ve felt with my friends over the years, I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world. They’ve always been by my side. Holding me up when I was too weak to stand. Picking me up when I’ve fallen. Carried me when I was too tired to do it myself. They’ve always been there for me. Which is why it makes it especially painful to know that Faith has been out on her own this past year. She had no one.

I know. I know it was her choice and that she didn’t have to run. But it breaks my heart that she did. That she felt like that was her only option. She needed someone. Anyone. And she had no one. That’s something that’s going to haunt me for a very long time. I can only hope that between me and Xander she realizes she does have someone if not a whole gaggle of someone’s that will help her. Of course getting her to ask for help might be as easy as holding up the heavens for Atlas. What? I stayed up late watching Xena reruns with Willow again. Sue me. I mean how could I sleep anyway? With Faith in the room next to me.

There was no way that was going to happen. I had to stop myself from camping outside of her door all night. I just felt like, if I closed my eyes for just a little while she’d be gone when I woke up. Which I know logically is retarded but it didn’t stop me from freaking out a little. I’m just about to my room when I feel her. Just that little throb of our connection is enough to make me smile. Faith must have finally come in from outside. Which means I should just wait in Willow’s room. Faith has been avoiding me since last night. I don’t like it but she has her reasons and I can’t push her in to seeing me. It’ll just end badly. So I wait. Because I can. Because it’s the only thing that will keep this from going wrong before I can make it right.

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