"Faith," Buffy says but it sounds more like a whine. I hate it when she says my name like that. She knows it always gets under my skin. "You can't keep turning everyone down like that." I just sent reject number five walking and B isn't happy about it at all. We've been at Blender for an hour now and the only people B can find that she thinks I'll like all looked like they coulda been models for Abercrombie and Fitch, and most of 'em smelled like Axe Body Spray.
"Sorry, B, but none of these guys are my type," I tell her and down another shot. One of the guys was my type and it actually hurt a little telling him to step off. The truth is I'm having too much fun hanging out with B and I don't want it to end. There's another more selfish reason too. Marcus showed about twenty-five minutes ago, uninvited, and B's been turning down almost all his offers to dance 'cause she wants to be my wing-woman or whatever. I'm not saying I'm a spiteful person, but these two have been keeping me up all week and I guess this is my way of getting back at him.
"Want me to ask Willow to help you find a girl?" she asks and my eyes go wide. They're not all wide 'cause of what B just asked but at the thought of Red coming over here and 'finding me a girl'. The conversation we had a couple days ago instantly runs through my mind and I get this panicked feeling. If B asks Red to find me a girl I know she's going to play dumb and drop a bunch of hints. She's been doing that all week. Ever since that stupid conversation she's been pushing the issue and it's getting on my nerves.
"Uh, no thanks, B. Red's having a good time. Wouldn't wanna take that away from her," I say and take a sip of my drink. Kennedy finally came back from that secret mission she was on, and I'm surprised they agreed to leave the house. If I were Red or Ken I'd would've stayed home and gone a few rounds while we had the house to ourselves. Seriously, who the fuck comes out to dance when this is the first time they've seen each other in weeks?
"Yeah, she is. It's nice to see her smile again. She gets so depressed whenever Kennedy leaves," B says and sips at her beer. I dunno how she can drink that crap. The stuff I keep stocked at the house is fine but she bought the cheapest shit in this place. Guess she doesn't wanna drink too much tonight. The perfect way to make sure you keep your drinking to a minimum is to buy the shit you hate 'cause it takes you longer to finish the glass and you won't drink as much overall. I taught her that.
"You think something's going on with Ken?" I ask and she gives me a confused look. How does she look so cute when she looks like such a stereotype dumb blonde? "She's always leaving on those secret missions. Something's gotta be up, right?" I normally don't gossip about people, but I don't want there to be an awkward silence like there was earlier in my room. If that happens she might leave to go dance with Marcus and I might not get her back.
"I don't know. Will said she leaves mostly so they can spend some time apart. No one is interesting enough to spend all of your time with and this way they always have something new to talk about when Kennedy comes back." I try as hard as I can not to give B a weird look. I agree with what she's saying, and if it's true it's a good idea 'cause it'll keep the relationship fresh or whatever. But B spends almost all of her time with Marcus and it's annoying.
"That's good then. Last thing the house needs is the two of them splitting up." I don't even want to imagine the nuclear warfare that would take place if they broke up. It would be really fuckin bad. Lots of screaming, and door slamming, probably lots of holes punched into the wall, and there'd probably be a lot of casualties. We'd all be forced to pick a side and before you know it the house is being blown up 'cause Willow can't keep the magic in check.
"If you just jinxed it, I'm so going to kill you," B says with a little smirk on her face. We're so passed the whole 'trying to kill each other' stage. It was a phase that lasted for a long time but we're over it now. I finish off the last of my drink and look into her eyes. God, she has really pretty eyes. The lighting in here and the eye shadow she's wearing is making them look green instead of the hazel they usually are.
"Whatever, B, like you could ever take me," I say and it sounds way more suggestive than I was going for. She gets a little blush on her cheeks and she breaks the eye contact we had going on. Great, why did I have to go and open my fuckin mouth? Now she's probably gonna go run off to Marcus and it'll be another two weeks before I get to spend any time with her. She looks up at me through her eyelashes and my breath hitches in my throat. Damn, that looks sexy.
"You know if I really wanted to, I could take you," she says and her voice sounds all…hot and smoky. Is she making it sound like that on purpose just to fuck with me or was that an accident? I have no idea how to respond to that. My body seems to have an idea or two though. My blood is running faster, it feels like someone just turned the heat up to a hundred two, and my pussy is so wet I could open my own themed water park. I need to get out of here before I do something stupid. I can't just jump up and bail 'cause she'll definitely ask about that later.
"I'm gonna go get another drink, you want another?" I ask and my voice sounds all fucked up. Oh god, did it just crack? What the fuck am I, a fifteen-year-old boy who just hit puberty? B gives me a little smile and shakes her head no. I get up as casual as possible but my knees are shaking a little bit. Man, I really need to get laid. If B being a little suggestive and giving me a look like that gets me this turned on than I really need to get off.
I don't go to the bar and buy another drink though. That would take way too long. Instead I make my way over to Red and Ken's table. I'm sure they won't mind if I steal their drinks. There's like a forty percent chance they've been drugged with something, but I'm willing to take the risk. Dump out your drinks if you leave 'em unattended, girls, 'cause ya never know what kinda perv is gonna be at the club that night. After I down whatever the fuck that just was that tasted like piss, the lovebirds make their way back over to the table. Kennedy looks annoyed but Red has a little smile on her face. Great, this is gonna suck.
"Bitch, that was mine," Ken whines. She sounded like a spoiled five-year-old who just had the last chocolate chip cookie taken from her. Well, now that I'm thinkin about it, if that had been a chocolate chip cookie there would've been blood spilled. Ken's got a serious sweet tooth and she doesn't fuck around about it. A couple months ago I took the last piece of her birthday cake and she didn't talk to me for three days. I can't blame her though, it was an awesome cake. Red bought it from some specialty store. Why the fuck am I still thinking about this?
"Well, I'll buy you another one. Just chill out," I tell her and give her a dimple filled smile. No one can stay mad at the dimples, it's humanly impossible. I guess it did the trick because she doesn't look as irritated. Don't get me wrong, she still looks irritated, but not as much. Red wraps her arm possessively around Kennedy's waist and gives me a mock glare. This is something we do all the time so I know she's just playing around.
"Back off, Faith," she says with a little scowl but she sounds like she's having a hard time trying not to laugh. "The only person getting my woman drunk tonight is me." I can't help but laugh at that, and it's a genuine laugh too. I think that's the first real laugh I've had in the last couple of hours. I've been feeling off and it's definitely bringing me down.
"Don't worry about me, Red, she's all yours," I say. Kennedy gets a dopey smile on her face and gives Willow a little kiss on the cheek. What was I talking about earlier? Of course there's nothing wrong with these two. They're still all adorable and lovesick. It makes me wanna mess with 'em, so I do. "How fuckin hot would it be if the three of us hooked up, though?" I wiggle my eyebrows for added affect and bingo. Red's blushing just as dark as her hair. I love it when that happens.
"The ice caps would probably finish melting and the whole world would drown. I think it would be better if we didn't," Kennedy says and wraps her arm around Willow's waist. Like I said before, when it comes to what's hers Kennedy can be crazy possessive. Well not really crazy possessive, like bossing Willow around and telling her when she can't go out or who she can and can't hang out with. If she started getting all controlling and shit I'd definitely step in and kick her fuckin ass all the way to Timbuktu.
"You're probably right. The world just wouldn't be able to handle the hotness of us," I say and give her a little smile. Sometimes she takes my joking a little seriously 'cause she knows if they broke up and Red offered I wouldn't hesitate to jump into bed with her. Well, I'd hesitate for like a second to make sure it's something I really wanna go through with. Red's come a long way from being the geek I used to make fun of, that's for damn sure.
"I'll take that drink anytime, Lehane," Kennedy says and gives me a little eyebrow raise before she kisses Willow. It starts off as a short, kinda chaste kiss and Red is the one who deepens it. I guess they have enough alcohol flowing through their blood to not care who sees them making out in public. And I guess that's her way of dismissing me from the table. She can be such a bitch sometimes. She's lucky she's hot or I wouldn't put up with it.
"Ok, I guess I'll catch you guys later," I tell 'em. Red mumbles something but I can't understand her 'cause Kennedy's too busy suckin on her bottom lip. They're little…public display of affection is doing nothing but adding fuel to the fire that is my burning hot libido. I think I'll go get another drink. Kennedy can kiss my ass sideways if she thinks I'm actually going to buy her another one. She's always drinking the last of my beer at home so she can get her own damn drinks while we're here.
I make my way to the bar and shove my way through all the people waiting for a drink. The service in this place kinda sucks. Ok, it really sucks because they had to let go one of their bartenders and Nathan has a hard time keeping up. But the prices aren't that high so it's worth the wait. While I'm standing here I feel someone grab my ass but I don't do anything about it. The skirt B picked out makes my ass look even hotter than it usually does so I can't blame whoever did it. If they do it again though then they're getting a broken nose.
I go back to my table but Buffy isn't there. Maybe she left? Since Marcus is here I wouldn't fuckin doubt it. She's ditched almost all the other scooby hang out times since she started dating that douche. I guess it was just a matter of time before she skipped out on this one. I sit down on my chair and my eyebrows knit together a little. Her jacket is still on the back of her chair. Hmm, maybe she's just in the bathroom. I glance up when Dawnie sits down next to me and she doesn't look happy at all.
"Hey Brat, what's with the look?" I ask her and take a little sip of my drink. I can feel the alcohol starting to buzz through my system and it feels good. Maybe it'll help me forget about all the shit I've been going through lately. Dawnie lets out a big dramatic sigh and I have to force myself not to roll my eyes. She takes after her sister alright. I guess it's just in the Summers DNA code to be drama queens.
"I met this totally cute, really funny guy who can actually dance," she says and lets out another dramatic sigh. I hate it when they do this. She and B have a few things in common, the main one is they never tell you the whole story up front. You have to keep prying and sometimes they get pissy because they think you're making fun of them or something. Don't ya hate it when chicks act like that?
"So he sounds like a keeper, what's the problem?" I ask and take another sip of my drink. I think I need a break the two of them. It would be kinda nice to get outta scooby headquarters for a while. Take a little vacation, maybe somewhere warm that has a beach so I can work on my tan. Man that sounds really awesome. Fat chance of that happening though 'cause I don't have any extra cash, and Giles is such a fuckin tightwad when it comes to the council funds we have to fight with him almost every time we have to do grocery shopping.
"I'm sure he is a keeper. His girlfriend thinks so too since she just called me a whore and stepped on my foot. Nevermind the fact her boyfriend made me think he was single and asked me to dance." Ouch, poor girl just can't catch a break in the love department. Dawnie's hot and all, and I mean that platonically, but she can be kind of a spaz. "Why can't I meet a guy like Marcus? Why does Buffy always get the good guys?" Great, talking about that douche is the last thing I wanna do right now.
"Buffy doesn't always get the good guys, D. Angel killed half of Sunnydale, and Parker was an asshole," I tell her and finish off my drink. I've had six tonight so I guess I better stop. I can hold my liquor, I'm part Irish and all that, but I don't wanna get wasted. I'm afraid I'll lose control and with the way I've been feeling that would be bad. I'm already a little drunk so I better stop now before I get full-blown shit faced. "Speaking of B, have you seen her?" She's either on the longest bathroom break in the history of the world or something's up.
"About ten minutes ago. She told me there was a vampire leaving out the back and just because she isn't keeping an eye on me it doesn't mean I can do something she wouldn't approve of." Buffy went out the back ten minutes ago to slay a vampire? That's a long fuckin time to be slaying a probably drunk vampire who took a chick or dude outside for a late night snack.
"What the hell Dawn, why didn't you say anything before?" I ask and trust me I sound pissed off. I reach into my jacket and pull out my stake. Maybe a group of 'em showed up and ambushed her or something? It's unlikely but it's still a possibility. We aren't the only slayers around anymore but vampires and demons still like to give us shit because we're the originals. They could've kidnapped her and are gonna use her in some weird ritual or some shit like that. Demons love their rituals.
"Wait, Faith, I don't think there-" she gets cut off when I get too far away and her voice gets lost in the loud music thumping out of the speakers. At first I try to be nice about making my way through the crowd of people. The layout of this place sucks and there's a shit load of thirsty Beyonce wannabes blocking the way to the back door. Then an image of B lying on the ground in the back alley, her face ghost white, and all the blood drained from her body flashes through my mind and I just start shoving through the motherfuckers.
The door doesn't open very fast and it feels like there's something wrong with the hinges. I'm gonna have to talk with someone about that 'cause if it's tough for a slayer to open than it's gotta be almost impossible for a normal person and that's a safety issue. Point is: the door was hella hard to open and it didn't make a sound. That could work for me though 'cause if there are any vamps out here maybe they didn't hear me come out and I could surprise 'em. Yeah, and B says I put no thought into my attacks.
I look around but I don't see anything except for the normal stuff you'd expect to see in a back alley. There's a dumpster and some trash plus some old chairs and shit that some people just left back here. I close my eyes and concentrate for a second but I don't feel any bad tingles that I normally feel when there's a vampire around. I take a deep breath and try not to panic. This doesn't mean anything. Maybe she ran off after the vamp and she's fighting it right now.
I hear something. It sounded like a little groan and now there's a bunch of heavy-ass breathing. I guess that's the person B saved from the vamp. They're probably hurt. I guess I should see if they need any help. Buffy always gets irritated 'cause she thinks I don't care enough about the people we save. I follow the sound and it's coming from the other side of the dumpster. I slowly make my way towards it just in case it turns out to be some kind of demon or something.
I don't see a demon, and I don't see a person in distress. What I see is the cro-mag, otherwise known as Marcus, standing on the other side of the dumpster and leaning against the wall. He's got his head tilted down and he's breathing really fuckin heavy. What the fuck is he doing out here? And where the fuck is Buffy? I open my mouth to ask him that but as I do I also completely walk around the dumpster and then both of my questions are completely fuckin answered. The words Dawnie yelled at me as I ran off jump into my mind and I feel like an idiot.
Buffy the vampire slayer, Buffy the prude, Buffy the self righteous blonde chick with a stick shoved far up her ass no longer has any more talking room. She can't look down on me for sleeping with someone I barely know. She can't tell me I deserve better or get grossed out for 'stealing someone else's underwear'. Nope, she can't do any of those things anymore and I'll tell ya why: the cro-mag is leaning against the wall and breathing hella heavy and groaning every once in a while because Buffy is down on her knees in this dark, dirty alley and sucking his cock.
My eyes go wide, my breath gets caught in my throat and my jaw drops. My whole body goes completely numb and before I can stop it my stake drops from my hand. The sound of it hitting the ground echoes off the walls and it announces to anything within ear shot that I'm right behind them. I know I should run because I just heard Marcus mumble 'oh shit' and now he's zipping up his pants. B jumps up ala slayer style and she whips around. She looks shocked and her face looks ghost white, but if I had to guess I'd say she doesn't have all the blood drained out of her body.
"Faith," she says and her voice sounds shaky as hell. That breath that was caught in my throat finally escapes. It hisses out like air being forced through a small space and the sound it makes sounds really fuckin weird. "Faith we were just…." She trails off. I guess she can't make herself say it. I just caught her giving her boy toy a blow job in some dingy alleyway and she's still acting like a prude. That's just like her. She can fuck two vamps and give this cro-mag oral sex in public and she's still so far above me.
"I know what you were doin, B. I'm not defective," I practically spit out. She has the decency to look ashamed, and her head tilts down a little and she stares at the ground. I get this feeling in my chest that fuckin burns throughout my entire body. It's like the feelings I get whenever I have to listen to them have sex in her room, but it's a million times worse. It's like someone just took the sun and shoved it through my skin, muscles and breastbone, and now it's slowly burning away my insides.
"What are you doing out here, Faith?" she asks and looks up into my eyes. She has some little tears making their way down her face. I feel a little pang of guilt because even though my haze of anger and alcohol I know those tears are my fault. But what-the-fuck-ever. She was the one out here on her knees like a hooker. Why the fuck should I feel guilty? She's lucky it was me who interrupted and not Dawnie or she'd use it against B for the rest of their lives. "I thought you were hanging out with Willow and Kennedy."
"I was," I say and my voice sounds so fuckin strained I'm surprise I can even talk. Why the fuck does it sound like that? Oh, it's because I'm starting to cry. Shit. Why the fuck is that happening? I don't want to cry in front of Buffy. It's number three on my list of nightmares I really don't want to come true. "But then Dawn told me you came out here to fight a vamp and I thought you might need some help. Since when are you a fuckin liar, B?" My voice doesn't sound strained anymore. The tears have been traded in for blind rage.
"Why don't you back off? What we choose to do is none of your business," the cro-mag who just had B's pretty lips wrapped around his dick says and takes a couple steps towards me. I guess I was wrong when I said me calling him a cro-mag only has to do with his looks and not his intelligence. He's knows I'm a slayer, he knows slayers are really fuckin strong, and yet here he is practically begging me to rip him a new one. It would be so easy too. One twist and a strong pull and his dick would be fuckin gone.
"Did your mom drop you on your fuckin head? Mind your own goddamn business!" I yell, and my fists clinch at my sides. My shoulders are really fuckin tense and my back muscles are so tight they feel like they're gonna fuckin snap like a rubber-band stretched too thin. B notices these warning signs right away and she doesn't ignore them. That's a good thing considering I'm about to run my fist through her boy toy's head. She turns sideways and puts her hand on his arm. He doesn't break the strong eye contact he's got goin with me though.
"Babe, just let me handle this, ok?" she says and her voice sounds really fuckin small. It's almost like she's afraid of him, like she's afraid of how he's going to react to her request. It makes me wanna beat the shit out of him even more. He finally looks away from me and he stares into her eyes. He looks pissed, and him looking at her like that makes me wanna shove my foot up his ass. Who the fuck does he think he is giving her that look? "Please, just go get my jacket and we'll go." What the fuck is she talking about?
We're fuckin dead quiet while he walks over to the back door. He tries for a few seconds but he can't get it open. I told you a normal person wouldn't be able to open that door. I resist the urge to call him a pussy when he finally gives up and starts walking towards the front of the building. I guess he's going to try to get back in through the front. Good luck with that, jackass, there's probably a line halfway around the block waiting to be let in and on one's gonna believe the line 'my girlfriend forgot her jacket inside'. If they do I'm gonna start using it to get in for free.
"Faith, what is wrong with you?" she asks and a couple more tears trail down her face. Instantly I get some completely contradicting emotions. I wanna laugh at her for crying like a pussy, and I wanna take her in my arms and kiss the tears away. I wanna call her a whore for what I caught her doing, and I wanna tell her to forget about it and tomorrow everything will be cool between us. But most of all, I wanna run away, find a small dark hole to hide in, and cry my fuckin eyes out.
"What's wrong with me? Look at you. You jump into bed with some dick wad you've known for a month and now you're out here on your knees for the whole fuckin world to see." That's not exactly true. They were trying to hide. Maybe next time she does something like this she'll just go to his car. "You don't act like this, B. You normally have more class." As soon as that last sentence, hell the whole thing, I know it was a big mistake. Her tears are flowing harder now but she looks pissed off too.
"Oh what, so I normally have more class than you, is that what you're saying?" she says with so much anger I literally take a step back. She wipes the tears off her face and the expression she has on it now reminds of that last battle in Sunnyhell when she pulled herself up off the ground and basically told The First to go fuck itself. "I haven't done anything wrong, Faith. Marcus is a good guy, maybe even a great guy, and he treats me like I deserve to be treated." Oh yeah? 'Cause the way he was just treating her seriously makes me doubt that.
"I am getting sick and tired of you moping around the house and treating me like a whore," she says and her voice cracks a little and more tears build up in her eyes. I can't fuckin talk. I'm trying to make words come out of my mouth and put them into sentences but I'm so fuckin floored by what she's saying that all I can do is stand here and look like a jackass. "You're supposed to be my friend, Faith, you're supposed to be happy for me when good things come into my life. Instead all you can do is be bitter because I'm not afraid of to make a commitment like you are." She still thinks I'm jealous of her relationship? That's priceless.
"I'm not jealous of you, Buffy," I say but I don't sound angry anymore. I honestly don't know what I sound like, but whatever you'd call this sound makes her lose some of that anger that's built up. I don't know if it's the alcohol, the shock of what just happened, or if I'm having some kind of mental breakdown but it's like a cloud has just been lifted in my mind and suddenly I can see the truth and I wanna share it with her.
"Red was right, I'm jealous of him. I want you. I want you so bad it hurts. I want you so bad it's making me fuckin crazy," my voice is shaking like hell, and I can't take in a real breath and I feel like at any second I'm going to throw up and pass out. I don't know if it's the combination of the hard alcohol and the beer I've had tonight or if it's because I just bared my soul, or maybe it's both. The look on her face is pure shock and I don't blame her. That did come out of fuckin nowhere, and I'm not done yet. I just needed to try and catch my breath.
"I didn't mean to treat you like a whore and I'm sorry you felt like I was. I never meant for any of this shit." I can't help the little chuckle that escapes the back of my throat. The look of shock on her face is starting to wear off but fuck if I'm going to point that out to her. I'm surprised she hasn't hauled off and decked me. I get the fact that she's supportive and all that shit, but I don't think she's going to be cool with another woman wanting her. She gets creeped out when unattractive guys check her out.
"Faith," she says and stops. It's almost like she forgot she was going to say something. I'm back to the point where I can't do anything. I can't talk, I can't move, and my whole body feels like it's gone numb. I look into her pretty baby doll eyes and I silently pray to whatever god or goddess is listening. Please let B still be ok with me. Please don't let her think I'm a psycho-freak for acting like this. Please let her want to still be my friend. I don't think I'd survive losing her friendship now that I know what's it really like to call her that. "I don't know what to say."
"It's ok. You don't have to say anything," I tell her and run a hand through my hair. My body isn't numb anymore and it's finally moving. Well, it's shaking all over, but that counts right? She takes a step towards me and I take three steps back. I can't be around her right now. I just let down all my fuckin walls and let her see inside my soul. I feel way too fuckin vulnerable and if she says or does the wrong thing I might fuckin lose it. "I'm gonna head on home. Just tell Red her girl's shitty drink fucked me up."
I hold her eye contact for one more second and there's a moment of silence. I don't let her break it though. I'm too afraid of what she's going to say. I turn and run down the alley. The sound of my boots clinking on the asphalt echoes off the walls and I would think it sounded cool, like something right out of a movie, if I wasn't too busy freaking the fuck out. I just metaphorically turned my whole world upside down, and I have no idea what's going to be left in the morning. I'll ask it one more time: how the fuck do I get myself into these fucked up situations?
"Hey Faith, can I come in?" I hear B ask and she softly knocks on my bedroom door. I sigh and take a long pull from my beer bottle. I've been hiding out in here for three days. I called in sick at work and almost got fired but told 'em that I have pneumonia and can't come in for a couple of weeks. They didn't believe me so I had Red magic up some fake medical records and fax them to my boss. He couldn't argue after I 'proved' I wasn't lying. Sometimes Red is really fuckin awesome, that's for damn sure.
Anyway, I haven't seen Buffy since the night of that little, well huge, emotional revelation we had in the alley behind Blender. I opened up to her, told her I loved her without actually saying the words, and then ran off like a pussy. This is the first time she's tried to talk to me, but I can't blame her. I attacked her for going down on her boyfriend, and then did a one eighty and started spilling my guts. If I were her I wouldn't talk to me either.
"Yeah, B. The door's open." This is the first time I've had it unlocked since I came home that night. It's not like I was expecting her or anything, I just forgot to lock it after I went to the bathroom. The door slowly opens and she walks in. My lungs stop working for a few seconds when I see her. What she's wearing is totally simple: nice white top, long, flowing skirt with little designs on it, and the leather bracelet I gave her for her birthday last year. Her hair is straightened and I don't think she's wearing any makeup, but she looks so fucking beautiful.
"I need to talk to you," she says softly. I don't like the way she's talking to me. It's like she's talking to some little animal that's been cornered and it either has to run or stay where it is and have its heart explode from the fear. She shuts the door and I get a little nervous. I don't know why I'm getting so nervous. If she wanted to kick my ass for the way I acted the other night she wouldn't be acting so…nonthreatening. I finish off my beer, that's only the second one I've had today, and toss the empty bottle in the trash.
"Alright, B. Hey, before you start, you mind handing me another?" I ask her and she looks a little annoyed for just a second. I know that look, and I'm not getting it because of what I asked her. No, she's looking at me like that because of the sound of my voice. I'm trying to act like this isn't a big deal, like she came up here to talk about shoe shopping or something when in fact I know exactly what she wants to talk about and how fuckin serious it really is.
"I haven't seen you," she says and grabs a bottle out of my mini-fridge. She grabs one for herself and opens both bottles with her bare hand. It would be impressive if she wasn't a slayer. She hands me one, and sits down on the edge of my bed. She takes a long pull from hers. I guess she needs to calm her nerves or something. I instantly chug mine and half of it is gone within seconds. "At first I thought maybe you went to see Giles, but then Willow said you've just been…." She trails off and I raise my eyebrow at her.
"Red said I've been what, B?" I ask and take a small sip from the bottle. B does the same but I think it's just to buy herself some time. She looks really nervous, like she thinks I'm gonna get mad and punch her or something. Why does everything always have to get so fucked up between us? It seems like whenever things start going right something comes along and fucks it all up. I know that you have to take the bad with the good and that without the miserable shit you'd never be able to tell when you're really happy, but I'm getting sick of this shit.
"She said that you've been hiding…from me," she says and takes another long pull from the bottle. It's almost all gone. Good things I stocked up the other day when everyone else was gone. It's not like I've been in here for three straight days. I just left when no one was around to see and came back before they got home. If that makes me a pussy then so be it. "I don't believe her though. I mean, who hasn't wanted to just stay in their room sometimes…for days at a time. It's a perfectly normal thing for people to do occasionally." I have to fight the smile 'cause she's kinda overwhelming me with cuteness.
"Right," I say and finish off the bottle. She finishes hers off and then grabs two more outta the fridge. Wow, she must really be nervous if she's taking without even asking. She normally doesn't do that with my stuff 'cause she knows how possessive I can be. She hands me the new bottle and we sit in silence for a few minutes, slowly nursing our drinks and avoiding eye contact. I honestly didn't know how this conversation was going to go, but this is totally not what I was expecting.
"Why don't you go ahead and cut to the chase, B?" I ask and she finally looks at me again. Even though I'm the one who's been avoiding her I still feel a little mad that I haven't gotten to see her eyes for a couple of days. I know it's only been three but it feels like forever. That sounds so fuckin stupid. Look at this shit, we're not even a couple and she's turned me into a total chick. Could this get any worse? "I know you didn't come in here to sit in an awkward silence and drink beer. Unless you did, then by all means, keep doin what you're doin." That makes her smile a little and I'm glad. She has a pretty smile and I've missed it too.
"I just wanted to explain a few things," she says and she sounds really fuckin nervous. Her voice even quivered a little bit. I have no one to blame but myself for that. She's trying to meet me halfway and I'm making it hard for her. Why do I always have to make everything so fuckin difficult? "What I said the other night." My stomach ties itself into knots as the memory of her yelling at me and looking at me like she was pissed enough to kill come crashing through my mind. I really don't need the reminder, being there was bad enough.
"I'm sorry. I didn't have any right saying those things to you. I know how hard you've been trying since you got out of prison and I know you don't sleep around anymore. I'm sorry for speaking to you that way." She breaks the eye contact and looks down at her bottle of beer. She really does look guilty so I know she isn't saying all of this just for my benefit. She really does want me to forgive her. It's kinda weird how backwards things have been lately. "Faith?" She looks up into my eyes again and my heart skips a beat. "Do you have anything you wanna say?" Great, she really does expect me to participate in this conversation.
"I'm sorry too, B. I didn't mean to ruin your night. What you and your boy do is your business only. Didn't mean to interrupt like that," I tell her and shrug my shoulder. I'm trying to be all casual about this. It's no big deal, right? I mean, I've walked in on Red and Ken going at it more than a few times and they were doing exactly what B was. Well, not exactly 'cause they were indoors and neither one is a guy, but potato potahto, right?
"That's not what I was talking about. I meant, when you said those things to me before you ran off, did you…." She trails off and she looks down at her beer again. I have no idea what she's asking and it's irritating as hell. Not her, just the situation. We used to be able to talk about almost anything and now we might as well be those two withdrawn teenagers back in Sunnydale, getting on each other's nerves and never talking about the important stuff.
"What's there to say, B?" I ask and I sound totally defensive. Probably because I feel like I need to be. The other night my walls were completely down and I let her see a part of me that I've never shown anymore before. Now that this alcohol is flowing freely through my veins that same vulnerable feeling is starting to come back. "It's not like you're bi, or gay or whatever. You've never even been with a chick before, unless you and Red were serious into the extracurricular activities in college." She gets this totally grossed out look on her face like she has a horrible taste in her mouth.
"Eww, no. I could never do anything like that with Willow. We're practically sisters, it would just be wrong." Guess everything I've ever heard about what happens in a college is total bullshit. She finishes her beer and then tosses the bottle in the trash. She looks down at her lap for a minute and I can tell she's trying to think of what she wants to say next. She takes in a little breath, almost like she's preparing for a fight, and then she looks into my eyes.
"Let's get back to the point I was trying to make. You have feelings for me," she says and pauses for a second. My cheeks burn red with a blush and I swear that's a little smile trying to force its way onto her face. God dammit, Buffy, I hate it when she does that. It makes me feel like a little kid or something. "But that doesn't mean you have to run away from me. You didn't even give me a chance to react." I get defensive again, I can't help it. She sounds like she's blaming me for all this shit. Even if she's not that's the way it sounds.
"And what was I supposed to do, B, wait around for you to kick my ass?" I ask her and I sound a little pissed. I didn't mean for my voice to sound like that but the combination of the alcohol and my guardedness is totally not helping things at all. She gets this weird, almost guilty look on her face and it makes my anger go away almost instantly. I don't know why, it's not like she said anything but I just can't stay angry when she's looking so…helpless. "You're not the easiest person to read, Buffy. I thought that's why you haven't been up here. I was just so afraid you were going to hate me. We're friends now, and I don't think I can handle losing that."
"I couldn't hate you, Faith. Not for something like this," she says and I don't think I've ever heard her voice sound so small before. Maybe back in Sunnydale when she got booted out of her house and she told me not to be afraid to lead the girls, but that was different. This is a different kinda small. This isn't bad. At least I don't think it is. It's like she's trying to tell me something but she's afraid to say the real words or whatever. Great, does she really expect me to read between the lines when I'm this buzzed? I can barely read between the lines when I'm sober.
"Oh yeah, B, and why's that?" I ask and for once I try as hard as I can to not sound like a smart ass. I lean a little closer to her 'cause if she's going to be talking so quietly then I need to get closer to hear. Alcohol is good for a lot of things but it definitely dulls my senses even though I am a slayer. Sure, when I got adrenaline pumping through my system at the same time the affect isn't as bad but right now I'm pretty calm. Anyway, she looks down at her lap for a few seconds, but then she looks up at me. Her head is tilted down a little and she's looking up at me through her eyelashes. Goddamn, she looks so fuckin sexy right now.
"Because you can't help how you feel," she says all quiet again. She doesn't sound small this time. I don't know how to explain it. If I didn't know any better I'd say she's being quiet like this on purpose so I have to stay close to her. Yeah fuckin right, B's the straightest chick I know, and trust me: I've met a lot of straight chicks in this town. "When you said all that stuff about wanting me I was so completely shocked at first, but then it started to make sense. You've been acting a little crazy lately and I was going crazy because you wouldn't tell me why." She smiles a sweet little smile and I can't help but smile back.
"Nice to know I wasn't the only one losing my mind," I say with a little chuckle. I finish off my beer because I don't want this shit to go to waste. It's brewed locally and the guy is fuckin good at what he does. I toss the bottle into the trash and I look over at B. I take a second to just really fuckin look at her. She looks hot right now, but that's not the word I'm lookin for. She almost looks like she's glowing. The same feeling from a few nights ago comes back. I wanna reach out and touch her. Now that I know what it means instead of being all confused, I know it's because I wanna take her in my arms and love her.
I make what could probably be called the dumbest decision I've ever made in my entire life. I lean over slowly, giving her a chance to back away if she wants, and I kiss her. Well, it's a kiss in the very basic definition. My lips are pressed against hers but there's no movement at all. There's a spark, like an electric jolt that courses through my entire body when my lips touch hers. It's something I've never felt in my entire life. Well, once when I was little and stuck a paper clip in an outlet but that doesn't count.
I pull back from her like I've been burned and my breathing is all fucked up. I shut my eyes and wait for the angry slap. I wait for her to get pissed off and start yelling at me for coming on to her. I wait for the speech about how it's ok for me to have feelings for her because it's not my fault who I fall for, but we're never going to be more than friends so acting on them is totally out of line. Yeah, I've had that speech before in the past but let's not bring that shit up. But the slap never comes, she doesn't say a fuckin word and I slowly open my eyes.
I look into B's eyes and they look different. They're darker, and her pupils are a little bigger. Her cheeks are flushed and she's breathing heavier. Because I'm still so close I can feel every quick exhale puff against my lips and cheeks. It feels fuckin weird. Like all my nerve endings are exposed and she's blowing hot air on 'em. Then I smell her. It's that heavy smell of arousal that makes the judgment part of your brain completely shut off. At least that's the excuse I'm going to use when she tries to kill me for kissing her again.
I lean in and that same fuckin jolt shoots down my spine and move through the rest of my body. I thought it was only gonna be a onetime thing but I guess it's fuckin not. Other than that little jolt this kiss is nothing like the one before it. It isn't passive at all, and the crazy fuckin thing is she's actually kissing me back. Buffy fuckin Summers is kissing me back! Working on nothing but instincts, I quickly but carefully push her down onto the bed without breaking the kiss. Maybe if I keep her distracted she won't notice that she's lying down with me slightly off to the side.
Her lips feel so good pressing against mine. I've been with a lot of people but no one has ever kissed as good as Buffy. Did she take some type of class in college or is this all god given talent? Man my brain is thinkin some pretty fucked up shit. I need to just shut it off and stay in the moment before I do or say something that'll ruin it. She's not having the same problem I am. She's moanin a little, and arching her back so her breasts are pressing against mine through our clothes. God she feels so fucking good.
I pull back from the kiss so I can do something I've always wanted to do, even back in high school when I thought this thing between us was just a lust thing. I look at her beautiful face and wait for her to open her eyes. She does, and what I see is the deepest green I've ever seen in my entire life. Fuck, that's hot. Two more seconds go by and she finally does what I've been waiting for. My heart starts beating faster and it feels like it's trying to pound its way through my chest. You have no idea how much I wanna do this.
Her bottom lip sticks out in a little pout, and before she can even get a word out I lean down again and gently suck on her lip. I softly tease it between my teeth and she lets out a nice long moan. Damn, that sounds so fuckin hot. It causes my pussy to contract and when it relaxes a flood of liquid pours out. I don't think I've ever been this wet in my entire life. There's no way to be a hundred percent sure of that. It's not like I gotta time machine that'll let me go back and relive all those moments so I can double-check, but I think it's a pretty safe bet that this is the wettest I've ever been.
A little part of me wants to deny what's happening right now. It wants to say that I'm getting this wet and this turned on because I haven't had sex in forever. But that's not true. I'm this turned on because it's Buffy. There's no other explanation. I let go of her lip and pull back just enough to look into her eyes. I have a wait a few seconds for her to open them, and when she does I can't help but smile. They're so fuckin dark, and her pupils are huge. That plus the thick, heady smell that's in the air it's safe to say she's just as turned on as I am.
"Buffy," I whisper and leave a little kiss on the tip of her nose. She gets a cute little smile on her face so I do it again. Fuck, this chick has turned me into a total fuckin softy. I've never been this gentle or caring with anyone before. If she was just anyone else we'd already be naked and half way to happy town. But she's not anyone else, she's Buffy, and I wanna make this last for as long as possible. I look into her eyes again and get lost for a few seconds. What the fuck was I going to say? Oh yeah. "I want to kiss you." Another cute smile pulls at her lips, and she gently caresses my face.
"We are kissing, goofball," she says with a little giggle. That sound sends a little pang to my chest and I have no fuckin clue why. Maybe it's because I've always wanted this. Not just the kissing and the touching, but the playfulness, the pet names, and all the other shit that goes along with being with someone. I mean really being with someone, not just fucking them. She gets a serious look on her face but the twinkle in her eyes lets me know its mock-seriousness. "Unless I've been doing it wrong for eleven years." Could she be any more adorable? I don't think so.
"I don't mean kissing here," I tell her and gentle lay my index finger down across her lips. Her eyebrows knit together in her cute confused look that I've always loved to see. I guess I was wrong because she does look even more adorable. "It's great and everything and you're awesome at it." Cue the blush and shy look that always drives me crazy. "But I wanna…." I trail off and bite my bottom lip because I don't know if I wanna risk scaring her off or not. If I say this wrong she could push me off her, and never talk to me again. I trail my eyes down her body and I know that it's totally worth the risk. Fortune favors the brave, right?
"I wanna…" I trail off again, but this time I gently run my hand up her leg until I'm softly cupping her hot sex over her skirt. Her body trembles for a few seconds and her eye lids flutter closed. I wait until she looks at me again, and I nervously lick my lips. "I want to kiss you here. Can I?" I don't think I've ever been more serious about wanting something in my entire life. Again, I have no data to back it up, but it's a pretty safe bet. I don't get a response right away. Maybe she didn't hear me? I was whispering pretty quiet, maybe a little too quiet.
"Yeah, ok," she whispers back and my heart feels like it just stopped. She's actually going to let me do this? But wait, how do I know she wants me to do this and she's not saying yes because she's afraid she's going to make me mad or something? Dammit, brain just shut up already! I thought Buffy was supposed to be the one who over thinks everything and I'm supposed to be the one who just dives into things head first. That might not have been the best metaphor…well, no. I guess it works pretty perfect.
"Faith," she says in a breathy, almost whiney tone. Normally when she whines it annoys me, but now it sounds sexy as hell. She kisses me and the hand that's been caressing my face slowly works its way into my hair. She runs her fingers through it, and then gives it a little tug. I can't help but smile at that. Of course B is gonna be a little bit of a control freak in bed. She's a control freak when it comes to almost everything else. Then she does something I wasn't expecting. She starts grinding her pussy against my hand. "Faith, please don't tease."
What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? The right answer is: not a damn thing. I don't completely blow the moment with words because anything I say is going to sound retarded. I leave another short kiss on her lips and slip down towards the foot of the bed. I'm holding myself up with my knees as I waste no fuckin time. I gently, but quickly move her skirt up her legs and run the palms of my hands along her silky skin. Fuck, her skin is so soft and smooth. Seriously, poetry could be written about this skin but I'll save that for later.
I hook my fingers on the sides of her panties give a little tug. She lifts her butt up off the bed to help me out, and just like that they're off in a flash. I toss 'em to the other side of the room and hopefully she'll forget about 'em. I lied to her about those pink boyshorts that are in my underwear drawer, and I don't make it a habit of stealing women's underwear, but she's not getting those back without a fight. When we're sober tomorrow and she disowns me for doing this I want something to remember her by, ya know?
I start at her ankle and slowly kiss my way up her leg. I've always had a thing for B's legs and you have no fuckin clue how long I wanted to do this. I've always wanted B, always. From the moment I saw her outside the Bronze, but I thought it was just lust. I thought I just wanted to fuck her a few times and then my itch would be scratched and cured. Thank god for Red or I'd still have my head shoved up my ass. It's always been more than lust. I was just too fuckin stubborn to see it. Guess I can be too hard headed for my own good sometimes.
When I get to her knee she lets out this fuckin girly giggle. Hmm, her knees are ticklish. That's good to know. Next time we have a movie night I'll know where to attack when she doesn't wanna hand over the popcorn. I get a devilish little smirk on my face and look into her eyes. She looks a little afraid but she smiles back. I kiss that same spot a couple more times and she starts giggling more and wiggling around a little. Damn, that's fuckin hot. I give up on teasing and lay between her legs. What can I say? I'm just not a patient person.
I look into her eyes as I pull her skirt up the rest of the way and lay it on her waist. I don't wanna try to take anything else off. She might realize what the fuck she's about to do and panic. I really don't feel like getting kicked in the head tonight, accidental or otherwise. I pull my eyes away from hers and look at her for the first time. I literally fuckin gasp and I feel like a freak for doing that. It's not something that could be helped, ya know? She's so fuckin perfect, and pink and wet. I haven't even touched her yet and she's dripping. I slowly lean down and take one long lick from her hole to her clit.
"Oh fucking god," she moans and balls her fists around the blanket. The first thought I get when my tongue touches her hot, dripping pussy is: if it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face. I almost don't fuckin hold it and start laughing but thank god I keep it together. That would've murdered the fuckin moment. I keep licking her that a starving cat lappin up a bowl of cream and this is the best fuckin taste I've ever had in my mouth. Seriously, hands down, no data needed to back it up.
"Faith," she moans and I think I just came. That's the sexiest thing I've ever fuckin heard in my entire life. I love the way she moaned my name like that. I wonder if she would do it again if I asked her to? I don't want to say anything though just in case she comes to senses and remembers that she isn't single. Yeah, I'm not so lost in the moment that I forgot about everything that exists outside this room. I just really don't give a fuck. Even if it means having to move out of the house tomorrow there's no fuckin way I'm going to regret this.
"Faith, oh god," she moans and this time I moan back. It sends little vibrations from my lips to her pussy and she lets out this little squeaky noise. She grabs a fistful of my hair and gives a little tug. Don't bother me, B, I'm eating. I would say that to her if I didn't think she'd haul off and punch me. She starts alternating between running her fingers over the back of my head and tugging hard on my hair. It's starting to hurt and I can't ignore it anymore no matter how much I want to just keep doin what I'm doin. And trust me I really fuckin wanna just keep doin this.
"What is it, B?" I ask and my voice is all breathless and shit. I pepper little soft kisses on her left thigh and she lifts her head up off the pillow and smiles at me. I hold her gaze for a few seconds and it feels like the whole world is just melting away. Why can't it be like this all the time for us? Everything has been so fuckin hard lately and I hate it. We've been at each other's throats, mostly 'cause I've been a jealous bitch and it hasn't felt right for weeks. "What do you need me to do, baby?" Oh fuck, did I just call her 'baby'? I pray to fuckin god she doesn't notice or she might freak and run.
"I need your tongue," she says and lightly grinds her hips. She licks her lips and lightly tugs on my hair again. I smile a little bit and leave another kiss on her thigh. I wonder how far I can push before she goes all aggressive and shoves my face against her pussy? I start leaving openmouthed kisses on her thigh and gently suck on some of the really hot skin. She moans a little bit and tugs on my hair again. "Faith, I need your tongue inside me." I was wrong earlier 'cause that right there is the sexiest fuckin thing I've ever heard.
I look into her eyes and it's like time fuckin freezes. The look in them is so fuckin intense and it's everything I've ever wanted. I've seen her give this look before. I saw it when she was with Angel and I'd interrupt on purpose and say we needed to patrol. I saw her give it to Spike a couple times during the whole battle with the First thing. I've seen her give it to Marcus a lot over the last week every time she's feeling frisky and wants to go upstairs. She's never looked at me like this before even though I've always wanted her too and now that she finally is, it's fucking amazing.
"Ok, B. All you had to do was ask. Quit with this hair pulling shit," I say and smile a little. That moment was way too fuckin intense and now I'm all on edge and shit. I don't wanna feel like this when I'm going to do what I'm about to do. I wanna be relaxed so I can keep enjoying this. She doesn't get mad at me for being a smart ass. She just smiles and takes her hand off the back of my head. She grabs onto the blankets and I leave one last little kiss on her thigh. Right over the big ass hickie I left. Yeah, I marked her. Did you really expect anything different?
I blow hot air on her pussy and she lets out this moan like she's being murdered and her head falls back against the pillow. I pull her legs up and put 'em over my shoulders. If I'm gonna do this I wanna do it right, ya know? I use my fingers to pull her apart and get a real good look at her for the first time and she is hands down the sexiest woman I've ever seen. But I'm biased so I could be wrong. Like I care, she's Buffy, so of course she's perfect. And I'm finally not being sarcastic about that.
I slowly stick my tongue inside her and she moans a little more. She's wiggling around a little too, but I can tell she's trying to control herself. I guess she doesn't wanna snap my neck or something. I can tell she's holding back because her muscles are starting to tremble really hard. Her thighs and her calves, and if I had to guess I'd say the rest of her is doing the same thing. I start moving my tongue around, touching and rubbing everything I can and her moans are getting louder and closer together.
Her walls are grabbing onto my tongue so fuckin hard if I tried to pull it out right now it'd probably be ripped from my mouth. That's a really fuckin gross thought. I need to learn how to shut my mind off when I don't need to be using it. I can tell she's close to coming and I almost can't wait. This is the closest I've ever come to feeling like a kid on Christmas. The anticipation, the excitement, and the adrenaline rush; it's all there and it's a feeling I've never felt before. I've never really cared about the other people I've been with. I didn't really care if it was good for them or not but right now I care.
I want to feel her come and I want to feel it right fuckin now. I don't think she'll care that I'm being all impatient and shit. It's not like this is a selfish need. From the sound of it and the way her body is reacting to me, she's going to be getting a monster orgasm so I don't think she'll be complaining anytime soon. But what-the-fuck-ever. I need to pay attention if I'm going to make her scream her head off. That's something that I really don't wanna fuckin miss.
The heels of her feet are digging into my back and her thighs are really fuckin tense. If I didn't have my hands on her hips, kinda holding her legs apart my head would be popped like a grape between her strong legs. I stroke my tongue on everything I can reach, and I let out a nice long moan to give her some vibrations. I thought she was going to moan real loud, or yell something, or start trying to grind my face off even more but she doesn't do any of that. Nope, she just gasped in a breath and she's dead fuckin quiet. Did I kill her or did she pass out?
"Faaaaaith, oh fuck. Do that again," she moans and I can't help but smile a little bit. She sounds so fuckin sexy when she moans my name like that. I wish there was a way I could hear it all the time. Damn, where's a video camera when you really fuckin need it? Yeah right, B would probably kick my ass all the way across the country if she found out I videotaped this. But back to what I'm fucking doing. I moan long and loud again, only this time I rub her clit with my thumb. Instantly her whole body tenses up so fuckin tight that you could probably bounce a fuckin quarter off of her.
"Oh god! Oh fuck! Faaaaaith! Faaaaaith! Faaaaaith!" she screams out and the tension fuckin breaks. Her whole body starts shaking and she's thrusting against me harder than she was before. I don't think she can control what she's doing and that's just fine with me. If she's all out of fuckin control like this it means I did an awesome job of getting her as high as she can go. I finally pull my tongue out and she lets out this little shudder. I can't help but smile at that. I don't know why exactly, but I just couldn't help it.
I wait for her to calm down and I crawl back up the bed. I lie down beside her and just look at her face. Her eyes are closed, her skin is all red, and she's sweating but she's so fuckin beautiful. What she let me do to her, how bad she wanted it, the whole thing was just fucking awesome and there's no way that I'm going to regret it now or ever. Tomorrow she's going to hate me, she's going to be so fucking pissed that I turned her into a cheater but I won't be able to care. I love her so fuckin much that it doesn't matter. I'll leave if she wants me to but I'll never fuckin regret this
"Buffy, I love you," I say and it breaks the silence that's in my room. She doesn't say anything back but it's not like I was expecting her to. She's still asleep. Every once in a while she'll let out a little snort and kinda twitch and it's the cutest fucking thing in the world. This chick has definitely fucked up my badass rep, that's for fuckin sure. To be honest I don't really care. Sticks and stones and all that crap. People wanna call me a pussy for getting all sentimental that's perfectly fine 'cause I have something they don't: the memory of being with Buffy.
I never thought sex could be like that. B is definitely full of surprises and it's pretty fuckin awesome. The part that surprised me the most though is the fact that she didn't run off. After I went down on her I thought she was going to freak out. I thought she was going to get all guilty for what we did and she'd take it out on me and then run back to her room. I never expected her to reach out to me and ask me to hold her. I didn't expect her to start kissing me after she got her breathing under control. I never thought she'd take our clothes off and completely take me over.
She did though, and it was amazing. She was so fucking amazing. She's never been with a chick before and it was kinda obvious. She was a little nervous and didn't really know what to do but after a while she kinda got the hang of it. It wouldn't have matter though, even if I didn't come it still would've been the best fuckin sex ever because it's Buffy, ya know? She touched in all the right places though, and it's like the more she touched me the more my walls got fuckin knocked to the ground.
I felt like I was laid open and she was really seeing me for the first time. I know that sounds fuckin stupid especially coming from me 'cause I don't talk like this, but that's how it felt. When it first happened I felt way too fuckin exposed and vulnerable, like I did in that alley behind the club. But then Buffy looked into my eyes and she held onto my hand and I just knew I was going to be ok. I just knew she wasn't going to do anything that would hurt me. I'll admit, I was a little wrong. B definitely needs to trim her fuckin fingernails.
It didn't matter though. That little bit of pain made everything better because whenever I'd let out a little hiss in pain she'd kiss it all away with these little 'Buffy kisses'. Like I said, she's just fuckin amazing. She didn't even ask if it hurt, she just fuckin knew. And afterwards when we were so spent I thought maybe we were gonna die from dehydration she didn't run away like I thought she was going to. She didn't 'come to her senses', and she didn't panic and call me all kinds of names and take off.
I got to wrap my arms around her and just hold her while she fell asleep. I traced little patterns all over her skin and just memorized the feel of it. I don't know how she gets it so fuckin soft. I'm gonna have to ask her what kinda soap and shit she uses. If she tells me after this is all over and I'm kicked out of the house then maybe I can use the same shit myself and, I dunno, pretend that it's her. Nah, that'll never fuckin work. How pathetic is it that I even considered it? That's just what this chick is doing to me: turning me into one big pathetic pussy.
I look out the window and I can't help the big fuckin sigh and escapes my lungs. The sun is starting to come up. It's peekin its fuckin head out and it has no idea that when it gets here it's going to ruin everything. The sun is gonna rise, Buffy's gonna wake up and everything will blow up in my fuckin face. I doubt she's gonna fuckin hate me. She's not like that. She'll hate herself and feel really fuckin guilty and then take it out on me because she doesn't know how to handle shit like that. It's what she always does.
Hell, you shoulda seen her the night we had a huge movie marathon. The scoobs passed out about half way through it but B and me kept truckin along. When we ran out of snacks we went into the kitchen to get some more, and we ended up forgetting about the movies. We pigged out, ate almost everything in the fridge and the freezer. B here ate a whole gallon of Cookies N' Cream ice cream, a jar of peanut butter to go with her loaf of bread, and a whole box of microwaveable egg rolls.
Her stomach hurt so fuckin bad the next day and she was so fuckin bloated she looked pregnant. No one would go near her, except for me, 'cause she was a gas bomb waiting to go off. I didn't really care. We've patrolled sewers together, it's not like I haven't smelled worse. But she bitched and whined almost the entire night 'cause it was all my fault she felt so horrible. I guess I'm a bad influence. She said she kept eating because I kept eating and she didn't wanna feel left out. How fucked up is that? After about two hours of listening to her bitch I went to the store and got her some Pepto. I guess I have always loved her.
I hold her a little closer and gently run my hand over every inch of skin it can reach. I'm not trying to be perverted by feeling her up in her sleep or whatever. But when she wakes up this is going to be over and I'll probably never get to touch her again. I wanna remember what she feels like, what she smells like, what her breath sounds like when she's sleeping and all her walls are fuckin down. I'm trying to memorize it all but I don't think I'm going to be able too. There's just something about B that no one can capture but that hasn't stopped any of the people she's dated, and me, from trying.
I feel her start to move around and my heart feels like it's being squeezed in a vice. I know that she's waking up and not just moving around in her sleep. Sometimes when she sneaks in here at night and we talk and just hang out she falls asleep. Ever since I went to prison I can't sleep passed six am. That's when we had to wake up and it's just been engrained in my routine now. Comes in handy sometimes, like whenever B sleeps in my bed and I wanna make sure I'm not doing anything embarrassing when she wakes up.
Like holding her close to me. We never fell asleep touching but I'd always wake up with her snuggled into my side with my arms around her. I'll admit, sometimes I held her for a few minutes and I told myself I was doing it so I wouldn't have to move her and risk waking her up. Now that I'm being honest with myself and all that shit I know it's because I wasn't ready to let her go. I'm still not ready to let her go. Now that I know what it's like to really have her I don't want to give her up. I don't want this moment to shatter like I know it's going to.
"Ow, my head," she groans and she moves around a little. See, I told you she was waking up. I stop breathing and wait for her to realize that she's not alone. This could take a few minutes 'cause B is not a morning person and it's pretty fuckin early. "What the hell did I drink last night?" I can't help but smile. She sounds so fuckin adorable whining like that. I have to bite my bottom lip to stop myself from laughing.
"You only had four beers. You're not turning into a lightweight, are ya B?" I ask and her whole body fuckin tenses up. Fuck, I shoulda kept my fuckin mouth shut. I knew I should've kept it shut. She lifts her head up off my shoulder so fuckin fast I'm surprised she didn't get whiplash. Her hair is really messed up and it looks so fuckin ridiculous it's awesome. The smile gets wiped off my face though, 'cause the expression on hers is nothing but freaked.
"Oh my god," she says and she sounds just as freaked out as she looks. "Oh my god, oh my god." She sits up in the bed and she wraps the sheet around herself so I can't see her body. I didn't think she'd let me look at her but it kinda hurts that she's being so…guarded. Since she pulled the sheet up to cover herself, the upper part of my body is exposed. She glances down and her eyes get even wider. "Oh my god, Faith, we…we…." Yeah, she can't even say it, that's how much she's freaked.
"We had sex," I say and she sucks in a deep breath. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I've never slept with someone who I actually care about. I've never been with someone and wanted it to be more than just a onetime thing. That whole cuddling bullshit just isn't me, but when I was holding her it didn't feel stupid or mushy or all the other things I used to think about actually sleeping with someone and not just fucking them. I don't know how I'm supposed to act like everything is fine because it's not.
"Oh my god," she says and she sounds so fuckin pissed. I know she's not pissed at me, she's pissed at herself, but it's hard not to take that personally, ya know? She wraps the sheet tighter around herself and starts to scoot towards the edge of the bed. My breath gets caught in my throat. She's gonna leave this room and we're probably never going to talk again. I know, B, and she can avoid people like nobody's business. "Oh god, where are my clothes?" I sit up and grab her arm. I guess she wasn't expecting it 'cause she just tensed up like I was about to slap her or something.
"B, just calm down," I say and let go of her arm. She's giving me this look, like she wants to punch me in the face for saying that and I don't blame her. It was really retarded. She stands up and when she does the comforter follows. Now I'm sitting on the bed completely naked and I've never felt so fuckin exposed in my entire life. This is so retarded. I'm not self conscious about my body at all. Everyone else in the house is always throwin some kinda fit because I like to walk around in my underwear but this feels different.
"I can't calm down, Faith," she says and she starts looking for her clothes. She's gonna have a hard time since this room is pretty fucked up. I normally try to keep it clean but the last few days I just stopped caring and now it looks like a fuckin tornado swept through. She sounds so pissed, so fuckin out of her mind that she doesn't even sound like B anymore. "I can't believe this. I can't believe I let you turn me into a whore." What the fuck did she just say to me?
"Hey, wait a fuckin minute," I tell her and sound just as pissed. I can't believe she just fuckin said that. In a fuckin heartbeat I'm off the bed. I grab her by the arm and pull her up so we're face to face. She looks pissed as hell, like she wants to fuckin gut me again, but I'm not letting go of her this time. "Don't try to blame this on me, B. You're not a whore and what we did last night wasn't wrong." Her face scrunches up like I just told her something gross and she's trying not to gag.
"It didn't mean what you want it to mean, Faith," she spits out and rips her arm out of my hand. She's looking me dead in the eyes and if looks could kill I'd be a pile of ashes previously known as Faith. "You have feelings for me and they're hard for you to deal with, I get it." I really wanna fuckin slap her. She's lucky this conversation is happening while I'm sane or it'd be on like Donkey Kong. "But getting me drunk and taking advantage isn't the way to handle this." Why the fuck am I so against lashing out? I really need to be reminded right about now.
"I didn't get you drunk and take advantage," I tell her but she doesn't look like she believes me. Is that how she's gonna fuckin spin it when she tells Marcus what happened, if she tells him what happened? Big bad Faith came along and fucked her while she was too out of it to say no. That's not what fuckin happened. "You coulda said no, B. I gave you the chance to pull away when I kissed you and I asked you before things got heated if you wanted to stop. But you didn't. You begged me to give it to you, do you remember that?"
I guess she does because her eyes are filling with tears. Our voices are getting loud but I don't fuckin care. Let the whole fucking house hear what she's accusing me of, I don't give a shit. She's the one who's gonna come out of this looking like the douche. Everyone heard us last night, I know they did. There's no way anyone around here got sleep with the way she was moaning and screaming me to fuck her harder.
"Faith, please just stop. I need to get out of here," she says and she sounds like she's gonna cry. I feel like such an ass. I shouldn't feel like an ass 'cause she's the one who started this shit. Calling herself a whore and saying I'm the one who turned her into one. There's no fuckin way she could ever be something like that. And I don't care what she says last night meant something. It was more than just fucking, even if she isn't willing to admit it.
"No, B, we need to talk about this." Yeah, I actually wanna talk about the sex we had last night in more of a 'recapping the greatest parts' kinda way. We need to hash this shit out or I'm gonna lose her forever. I know I said I was ok with that. I know I said if she wants me to leave the house I'll go without a fight 'cause at least I'd have the memory of being with her. I was dead fuckin wrong. I don't wanna leave. I have too many ties here, and I don't want to lose her as a friend. If I do than last night is going to be one of my biggest mistakes, ever.
"Faith, there's nothing to talk about. We were drunk, we weren't thinking clearly." And right now her decision making skills are fucking awesome. "And it was a mistake. It was a huge mistake of epic proportions." Yeah, 'cause that isn't making me feel cheap. "If things were different maybe…." She trails off and my heart is in my fuckin throat. If things were different than maybe, what?! "But they're not. I'm not single. I'm with Marcus and I can't believe I did this to him." The second she mentions his name a white hot anger flashes through my whole body and I really wanna punch the fuckin wall.
"B you don't get it, we have to talk about this." I need to tell her everything. I don't just 'have feelings for her'. I'm in fuckin love with her. That's never happened to me before and she needs to know it. She needs to know I'd die for her. I'd do anything in the world to make her happy. I'd marry her right now if she asked me too. Well, maybe not right this moment 'cause she's being a total fuckin bitch, but give me a few hours to cool off and I'd so marry her. I'm keeping my last name though; fuck her if she thinks she can totally claim me.
"No, Faith, just stop," she says and starts picking her clothes up off the floor. She drops the sheet and puts 'em back on really fast. My eyes roam as much of her body as they can while they can 'cause in seconds she's dressed and hidden from me again. Man this really fuckin sucks. She's being the world's biggest bitch and all I wanna do is take her in my arms and show her how much I love her, again. "What you feel doesn't change anything between us. You're not a commitment person, Faith. I'm not going to let you ruin my life, again, for something that you'll be over in a week." And the camel's back was just fuckin broken.
"Don't you tell me what I feel, you fuckin bitch," I snap and she throws the sheet back onto the bed. I'm surprised she didn't rip it up just to piss me off. Those are my favorite sheets and she knows it. Hell, she's the one who bought 'em for me. That's the day I learned thread counts do matter. "I'm in fucking love with you! I always have been, B. Everyone else could fuckin see it except for us. But I know it now and after last night you should too." She looks shocked and pissed, which are two things that never mix well together when it comes to Buffy.
"You can't honestly tell me that last night meant nothing, B." I look into her eyes and it's like I've got tunnel vision. All I can see are her hazel eyes staring back at me and she looks so fuckin scared. Scared of what, though? Scared that I'm going to hurt her? Scared of how Marcus is going to react when he finds out? If that fuckin cro-mag lays a hand on her he'll be spending the rest of his days rotting at the bottom of the lake, that's for fuckin sure. "I know you felt it too, B."
"You're wrong," she says and her voice is so fuckin strained it sounds like it hurts to talk. It's mostly because of all the screaming and moaning she did last night. But it's also because she's trying so fuckin hard not to cry. I hate seeing her like this, but she kinda deserves it. She wakes up and treats me like dirt and I know I deserve better than that. "Being with you didn't mean anything to me, Faith." I open my mouth to say something but it feels like all the fuckin air's been forced outta my lungs. In a heartbeat she's at the door and there's nothing I can do to stop her from leaving.
She slams the door and the walls fuckin shake. I can't believe that just happened.
Alright, I can believe it. I was telling myself over and over again that it was going to happen. She was going to wake up and remember what we did and freak the fuck out. That's what I expected but I guess I just wasn't ready for it to happen. I guess this little retarded part of me thought she was going to wake up and not regret it. That she would realize she loves me too and everything would work out. Guess fuckin not, huh?
My throat feels like there's a huge fuckin knot growing inside of it and it hurts like a motherfucker. Tears well up in my eyes and I can't see a damn thing. I'm blinking, trying to make them go away but as soon as they pour out and run down my face more are there to fuck up my vision. My chest feels all tight because I'm holding in all the sobs that wanna come out. I don't want them to come out because I don't want her to hear me cry like a pussy. She's in her room and it's right on the other side of the wall and she'll hear it for sure.
I sit down on the bed and just let the tears fall. I absolutely refuse to let the sobs out. I need to hold onto as much dignity as I can and there's no fuckin way I can do that if she hears me bawling my eyes out. I sniffle really fuckin hard and my stomach fuckin churns. I can smell it. Her. Us. What we did. It's all over my bed and it's making me so fucking nauseous. If this morning had happened differently it wouldn't be a bad smell, but it's so fucking awful I just wanna burn the fuckin bed.
If I were the old Faith that's exactly what I'd do. Burn the fuckin room down and move on to the next town and stay at another shitty motel. But I'm not the old Faith so bein a fuckin pyro just isn't the answer this time. I can't stay in this room. I can't be in here and not go crazy. I don't want to go crazy. I don't wanna go back to being the old fucked up Faith. I can't go back to that. I'd rather fuckin die than be that psycho slut.
I jump up off the bed and run over to my dresser. I throw up the bottom drawer and I think it broke 'cause I just heard something snap. Oh well, I'll have Xander look at it later. Right now I don't give a shit. I just need to get out of here before I go out of my fucking mind. I toss on an old t-shirt and some pajama bottoms as fast as I can and I book it out the door. I run down the hall and it's kinda hard to see with tears stinging my eyes.
I don't want to be alone right now. I know that's funny coming from me, but I've changed a lot. I don't wanna be alone anymore. I've been alone almost my whole life and now that I know what it's like to have friends I don't wanna be by myself, even when I'm hurting. I don't wanna be around just anyone though. If the wrong person sees me like this they could get hurt when I toss 'em out the window.
I knock on Willow's door and slowly open it. The morning light streams into the room and I can tell she's already awake. I guess I woke her up with all the screaming and shouting I did with B. I slowly walk in and shut the door. I feel so stupid right now. I feel like a little kid sneaking into her mommies' room after she had a bad dream. That's what I'm hoping all of this is. The fight with Buffy was just a horrible fuckin nightmare and when I go back to my room to burn the sheets she's going to be in my bed wondering where I ran off to.
"I know this is probably a stupid question but it's early, are you ok?" she asks and I shake my head no. Even in the dark she can see it. It's not pitch black in here or anything. A little bit of light is peaking in from behind the curtains. "Do you wanna come lay down with me?" I nod my head yes and just stand here like an idiot. I don't know why I always do this. Whenever I'm hurting and I come to Red for some comfort I can never just take it, she always has to be the one to make the first move. "Come get under the covers. It's cold."
That's code for: you poor thing, let me coddle you 'til all the booboos are gone. She'd never say that to my face, but I know that's what she's thinking. But I don't argue with her, and I don't just stand here like a dumbass. I walk up to the foot of the bed and crawl up it. Instead of going to the free side of the bed I go right down the middle. Kennedy makes an annoyed sound 'cause she's trying to go back to sleep and I'm crawling in between her and her girl. I'd probably be annoyed too but right now I don't care.
I manage to get under the covers without pissing Kennedy off too much. This kinda thing has happened before so she's kinda used to it. Within two point five seconds I'm pressed against Red and her arms are around me. The top of my head is right up under her chin and I'm crying my fuckin eyes out. Now that I'm someplace safe that feels really fuckin far away from Buffy I'm sobbing and it hurts. My throat hurts, my chest hurts, and my eyes hurt. It all just fuckin hurts.
"Shh, Faith, it's going to be ok," Red whispers and leaves a little kiss on the top of my head. I would tell her that she's so fuckin wrong, but I can't talk. I can't stop sobbing. My whole body is shaking really fucking hard 'cause of it. Red starts to rub my back and I dunno if she's using magic or what but she's kinda calming me down a little. I'm starting to get to that point where if I don't calm down now I'll start coughing really fuckin hard and that always blows.
I feel Kennedy press against my back and her arms are around me too. It's kinda fuckin weird being smashed between them like this but it feels pretty awesome. Kinda like being wrapped in a giant security blanket. I don't know how long we're like that but eventually I calm down. The tears are still flowing like a motherfucker, but I'm not sobbing anymore. My throat feels like someone tried to shove their fist down it, and I don't think this horrible feeling in my stomach is ever going to go away.
"I know you're hurting so this is a bad time to bring it up," Kennedy says quietly into my ear. I can feel her lips softly brushing against it and the feeling of it makes me shiver. That feels so fuckin weird. Anyway, I stop sniffling long enough to hear what she has to say 'cause she has that tone that she always gets before she makes some smartass comment. "But this right here is the worst threesome ever."
I can't help but laugh and it sounds really fuckin ugly 'cause my throat is so torn up. I feel a little better, like maybe things aren't so bad. Like maybe I haven't completely destroyed one of the most important friendships I've created in the last couple of years. Like maybe my life can go back to normal. Like maybe I'll be able to leave this bed sometime within the next year. Those feelings are temporary though, and they go away almost as soon as they showed up. Guess I'm wrong. I guess I'm gonna die in this bed. It does have an eight hundred thread sheet, that's something at least.
"God dammit," I whisper angrily. I'm almost outta cigarettes. I'll have to stop at the store later. I'm sitting out on the porch and chain smoking like a mother fucker. I don't know how long it's been since that little blow up, but it feels like it's been forever. Kinda ironic if ya think about it 'cause lately things have been going way too fast. At least that's what it feels like and I fuckin hate it. I wanted to stay in that bed forever but it went by too fast. Everything about it flew by, but afterwards especially. Holdin her and shit was a huge surprise. I've never been that gentle with anyone before. It wasn't the best part by far, but it's pretty high up there.
I cringe when the door opens 'cause I know exactly what's coming. Well, depending on the person. Xander will want details about the sex, Willow will want details about my feelings, and Dawn will want to know exactly how long things have been going on and why I never told her about it, and all three will have some threat. Ya know, 'if you hurt Buffy you'll be swimming with the fishes', that kinda thing. Well I didn't hurt Buffy so I'm not the one in the wrong here. They'll never believe that, though. We might as well be living back in Sunnydale 'cause to them B's a goddess and I'm the stray they took in off the street.
I can tell just by the sound of the footsteps that it's not one of the women, but it's also not Xander 'cause he's not that big either. I look over my shoulder and my breath hitches in my throat. Thank God there was no smoke in that or I'd be gagging like a mother fucker. I'll end the fuckin suspense. The person at the door is Marcus. He looks…I don't know what the fuck he looks like 'cause I've never seen that expression before in my entire life. He's got two opened bottles of beer in his hands so maybe he doesn't know anything.
He shuts the door using his foot and sits down next to me on the step. I've got about a thousand questions running through my mind, but I don't say a fucking word. Talking right now would be really fuckin bad because I don't know if he knows anything or not and I don't wanna give anything away. So instead of opening my mouth and settin a bomb off, I take the last drag of my cigarette and crush the butt with the tip of my shoe. He holds out one of the beers for me to take, but I just look at him all suspiciously.
"It's a peace offering, just take it," he says and he sounds a little annoyed. Ok, if it's a peace offering then why not? I take the bottle and we both take a swig. His is a lot longer than mine though, and I know right away that he knows. How much he knows and what he was told, I don't got a damn clue, but he's not completely in the dark. "So, you fucked my girlfriend." That was a statement, not a question. I look over at him all wide eyed and he takes another sip of his beer. "I heard the fight." Oh fuck. Why the fuck is he being so nice to me?
"I'm gonna be straight with you, there's no point not to be. I know you wanted her. You made it pretty obvious from the moment I met you." How the fuck did I make it obvious? I've always been good at hiding my feelings. "At first I thought you just didn't like me." I don't like him so he's not wrong. "But when we went to the club you freaked when you caught us in the alley." Ok, so maybe some of my emotions bleed through sometimes. "Even if that night hadn't happened I would've figured it out. I'm not stupid." I try to come up with something cool to say but I'm still feeling so out of balance that all I can come up with is,
"No you're not. You do have two Ph.D.'s." Oh yeah, I'm a real fuckin winner. Why some successful hottie hasn't swept me off my feet is a real fuckin mystery. I cringe at how retarded I sounded, but he doesn't call me out on it. All Marcus does is nod his head and take another big swig of beer. The bottle is already half gone and we've only been talkin for like two minutes.
"Yeah, I do. And I drive a Mercedes S-class." Ok, now he's bragging just to brag, but I'm not going to call him out on it. I fucked his girlfriend and instead of making a big scene we're out here drinking beer and having an actual civilized conversation about it. I guess I can't really call him a cro-mag anymore. "So how long have you been in love with her?" He takes another long drink and I let out a little sigh.
"I don't fuckin know," I tell him but I don't sound mad, just…I dunno, lost I guess is a good way to describe it. "Probably forever. According to some people I've been in denial about everything where Buffy is concerned." You probably think I'm crazy, opening up to the one guy I hate the most, besides my dad and all of my mom's junkie boyfriends, but let's be real: I fucked his girlfriend and he's not trying to kill me. I might as well be honest. Besides, I'm too tired and emotionally drained to think of something besides the truth.
"So what is this exactly?" I ask and take a sip of my beer. I really don't want to get buzzed or anything 'cause that could lead to badness, but a little hair of the dog never hurt anyone. "I'm having a real hard time believin you'd come out here to congratulate me for finally gettin together with B. Hell, I'm still having a hard time believin you didn't slip something into this." I hold up the beer a little so he knows what I'm talking about and he laughs.
"This is me admitting defeat. It doesn't happen often so I'd thought I'd have a beer. I didn't know you were going to be out here but I saw you through the window," he says and finishes his bottle. I hand him mine without hesitation. "Thanks." He takes another long swig. Wow, I guess he's really broken up about this. Can't really blame him. If I had a shot with B and she slept with someone else I'd probably go off the deep end.
"So you're not gonna try to work it out?" I ask and I try as hard as I can to keep the smile outta my voice. I'm not trying to rub his face in anything, I'm just really fuckin curious. I mean, it's not like me and B are on good terms or anything and if he wants to get back together with her he has a way better shot at being with her than I do. "I mean, this could just be a bump in the road or whatever." I totally forgot what I was going to say to him. I kinda started thinking about last night and my brain turned to mush.
"No, we're not going to try to work anything out. This was the final nail in the coffin." I smirk a little. Not because he's giving up, but because of my line of work. Come on, you can't say that to a slayer and expect her not to smile. "She doesn't love me. If she did she wouldn't sneak off to see you when I spend the night." Again my eyes go all wide and he shrugs. "I told you, I'm not stupid." Guess he's really fuckin not. So he knew about that the whole time and he never said anything to her? I really didn't think he'd be so cool about that.
"You building up your courage to break it off or something?" I ask as he downs the whole fuckin bottle. I saw him drinkin at the club so I know two beers aren't going to get him drunk or anything, but the way he's downin 'em might have an effect. "She's not a cheater and she feels really fuckin guilty about what happened. Guess she thought you guys still had a chance." Her words from earlier flash through my mind and some tears sting the corners of my eyes. Does she always gotta be such a bitch to other people when she's feelin insecure?
"We already broke up, after you stormed off," he says and looks out at the backyard. The sun's making its way up to the top of the sky and it looks really fuckin pretty. I never thought I'd think that about a sunrise up this one seems different somehow. I could go into all the fuckin metaphors about it being a new beginning and all of that shit, but I won't. I'm Faith, sure I've changed a lot over the years, but I just don't do shit like that. "She didn't even cry. Guess she didn't want to try to fix things as much as you thought." I let out a little sigh. This guy just doesn't know her at all, does he?
"Trust me, she's crying. She's just too proud to cry in front of you," I tell him and he nods his head a little. That little wrinkle in between his eyebrows goes away so I guess I brought him some kind of comfort with that. I didn't mean to but whatever. It's not like I'm gonna lie just to make him feel bad. Sure, if I were the old Faith I'd be rubbin it in. I'd be tellin him how awesome it was fuckin B and how she never wanted him in the first place, but I'm not that person anymore. But trust me, if I wasn't this new person I'd totally be gloating all over his face right now.
"Well, have a good life," he says and gets up. He walks around the side of the house and a few seconds later I hear his car door close and he drives off. I kinda feel bad for the guy, but at the same time not really. I'm so fuckin glad I'm not going to be seeing his stupid face around here anymore. Maybe if we had met under different circumstances we could be friends, but we didn't and we're not. The bastard used to eat all of my cereal and drink all my soy milk. I'm starting to think he did it on purpose just to piss me off.
It's kinda weird how nothing ever stops the way you want it to. Yesterday and a few days before were literally life changing and yet everything out here is still the same. The neighbor's cat is still walking along the back fence teasing the other neighbor's dog. The breeze is still softly blowing through the trees and the other plants. The garden gnomes that Red insisted on so she could hide security cameras in still look creepy as hell. Hmmm, I probably should have insisted on her hiding them in something else, but I didn't give a fuck at the time.
I don't really know what the fuck I'm babbling on about. I just think it's weird how when something big and important happens in your life you except the whole world to change right along with you. It didn't, though. Everything looks the same, smells the same…that cat is definitely getting braver and is going to get fucked up if he doesn't leave the dog alone, but other than that everything out here is exactly the same as it was last week. Is it really possible to be mad at the backyard for being the same or am I just going crazy?
I light another cigarette and set my lighter down on the step beside me. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. I said I would leave if she wanted me to, but I can't do that. I can't just take off and leave behind everyone I care about. B's not the only person I've gotten close to, ya know? Willow and Ken are like family now, which is something I never thought I'd say. If B wanted me to leave, to give her some space while she worked shit out in her own mind I would, but I wouldn't go far and I wouldn't be gone forever.
I hear people moving around in the kitchen but I don't turn around to see who it is. As far as I'm concerned the house might as well be invisible or not there in the first place. Nope, the only shit I'm focusing on is what's going on in front of me. The sun is higher in the sky so I'd guess it's about two pm. I've been out here for a long fuckin time, that's for sure. No one's been out here to see what I'm doin but I'm not surprised. B probably woke everyone up this morning with her screaming and yelling so they probably know I wanna be left the fuck alone.
The backdoor opens and I sigh a little. I really don't wanna deal with anyone right now. It's probably Red coming out here to see how I'm doing. She was really fuckin worried when I was in her bed. She didn't say it but I could tell. She kept looking over at Kennedy with this really sad and concerned look in her eyes. It's the same look she gets whenever one of the girls gets hurt really bad on patrol. I woulda freaked if I thought for a second she was pitying me, but she wasn't. I've learned to tell the difference between pity and concern.
"Hey," she says and as soon as I hear her voice my whole body tenses up. I'm really starting to think god hates me. Is it still called paranoia if you're right? "You've been out here for a while. I thought you might want something to eat." She sets a plate down next to me and I glance at it. There's a ham sandwich and a turkey sandwich, both of 'em have lots of veggies, a big pile of potato chips and some fresh pineapple cut into chunks. All of my favorites. I guess this is her way of saying sorry.
"Thanks for the food," I say and toss my cigarette butt on the ground. It's almost like I'm daring her to say something about it, but I'm really not. I'm just too lazy to get up and put it in the ashtray. I feel so fuckin drained if I closed my eyes for a few minutes I'd probably fall asleep right here on the porch. She doesn't say anything, and she doesn't leave. I can feel her looking at me and it's making my skin get that creepy crawling feeling. "You mind fucking off? Really don't wanna be around you right now."
"I'm sorry about this morning," she says and I can't help but sigh. Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone? This morning wasn't enough for her she has to take the rest of my dignity? If she's out here to bitch about her boyfriend breaking up with her I might try to kill her again. I know I'm reformed or whatever but there's only so much I can take, ya know? "I was scared and I panicked and when I get scared I lash out." I shake my head a little bit and pop one of the pineapple chunks into my mouth. I'm pissed at her but I'm fuckin starving.
"Yeah, I kinda noticed that," I tell her and pick up the ham sandwich. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm so fuckin hungry I feel like I haven't eaten in days and trust me I know what that shit feels like. "You said I made you a whore." I take a small bite of the sandwich. God dammit, Buffy. She made it just the way I like it: little bit of mayo, just a hint of honey mustard, and she warmed up the ham a little 'cause I don't like it cold. Why does she have to know me so fuckin well? This would be so much easier if we weren't perfect for each other.
"You also said I got you drunk and took advantage. If you knew a god damn thing about me you'd know I'd never fuckin do that to you." Why am I even talking to her? She accused me of doing something that fuckin foul and I'm havin a somewhat civilized conversation with her. That doesn't make any fuckin sense. "I don't care if you're sorry. I'm not going to forgive you for that shit. You don't just say that to someone 'cause you're scared." Great, now I'm too pissed off to eat. God dammit, Buffy.
"I know that, Faith. The rational part of me knows that. But there was nothing rational about what happened," she says and she sounds hella fuckin defensive. The last thing I want to deal with right now is B when she's all defensive. Now she's gonna go right back to blaming everything on me like this morning. I really don't need this bullshit. What I really need is a quiet room with a bottle of something that'll help me forget this shit ever happened.
"Look, Faith, I know you probably hate me right now but we need to talk about this." Oh that's just fuckin rich. Now she wants to talk about this? "If I walk back through that door then we might as well say goodbye right now because things between us will always be weird and we'll never talk about it and never try to fix it. We'll grow apart and then we'll decide that being friends just isn't worth all the awkwardness and I can't do that, Faith. I can't lose you as a friend." Now she sounds like she's going to cry. Dammit, make up your fuckin mind; are you pissed or sad?
"Will you say something?!" she fuckin yells after a minute or two of silence. I guess I really do have to participate in this conversation. I light up my last cigarette and I hear her let out a big annoyed sigh. She fuckin hates that I smoke but fuck her. If she wants me to stop smoking than maybe she should stop stressing me the fuck out. Sounds like a good plan, doesn't it? I turn so that I can look at her and lean my back up against the rail. She's determined to have this fucked up conversation so we might as well get it over with.
"I don't know what you want me to fuckin say, B," I tell her and exhale a long stream of smoke. I do feel a little more relaxed, especially now that my hands have something to do. Sounds retarded, but it's true. "This morning you said there's nothing to fuckin talk about. I told you that I love you and run from the fuckin room. What the fuck do you want me to say, B, 'cause anything I can think of isn't gonna be helpful right now." She looks down at her shoes and she has a look of shame and guilt on her face. It doesn't make me feel any better though.
"I know, and what I said was horrible and it wasn't fair to you." She lets out a big sigh and moves the forgotten plate of food aside so she can sit down across from me. She gets this look on her face like she's trying to decide something and it makes me nervous. That look never really ends well for anyone, especially me. I feel like a dog about to be taken to the pound. "I haven't been fair to you at all, either of us, really." I can tell by the sound of her voice that she's talking to get this out of her system not because she wants to tell me everything.
"You were right the other night when you said I've been acting so non-Buffy-like," she says and she looks down at her lap. Wow, I can't believe she just admitted out loud for me to hear that she thinks I'm right. Great, now there's gonna be another apocalypse. Way to go, B. "The truth is I have feelings for you too. I've had them for a while and they won't go away." What the fuck?! I start coughing like a motherfucker when the cigarette smoke gets caught in my throat. B instantly leans over and starts patting my back to help me out.
"What did you just say?" I ask when I can finally breathe. I look up at her, eyes wide and all that shit, and she looks really fuckin nervous now. I hope she doesn't backtrack. I hope she doesn't deny everything she just said, tell me that last night was the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn't want to see me anymore. That would really fuckin suck for all kinds of reasons. I can't lose my friends and stay sane. It's just not fuckin possible.
"I said: I love you too," she says looking me dead in the eyes. That looked like it hurt to say. I guess she's been holding that in for a while. I go dead fuckin silent. She's finally being honest and opening up to me so I'm not gonna fuck that all up by opening my mouth and ruining the moment. "I've been so afraid of it. You're not the easiest person to love." Yeah, that's definitely the fuckin truth. "I don't do casual relationships and you are always saying you won't commit. I thought that if I told you I'd get my heart broken, again."
"And what about Marcus? You two seemed pretty love sick," I say and I try to keep that as neutral as possible, but there's hate in it. Can you really fuckin blame me? I had to listen to the two of them screw almost nonstop. I'm surprised I didn't go completely fuckin insane, again. She sighs and gets that guilty look on her face. Even if she didn't love him she still feels hella fuckin guilty for cheating on him. She's just not the kind of person who can do something like that and have a clear conscience.
"I care about him but I don't love him," she says and this sounds really fuckin hard for her to say. Like the words don't wanna leave her throat but she's forcing them out. "I jumped into bed so soon with him because being around you was driving me crazy." Holy fucking shit. I did not see that coming. "He was a substitute for my feelings for you. He was a way for me to act on them without really acting on them and it wasn't fair for any of us." A question pops into my mind and I don't know if I should ask it. It'll either break the tension or make her deck me. What-the-fuck-ever, it'll be so worth it.
"Tell me somethin, when you two were screwin, were you picturing me?" I ask and wiggle my eyebrows. I give her the classic smirk-dimple combo and her face gets so fuckin red I know it's the truth. She can deny it all she wants, but there's no way she'd blush that hard unless it was true. "Holy shit, B, are you serious?" She blushes a little brighter and looks down at her lap. I laugh a little bit but decide to give her a break. She really doesn't deserve it 'cause of all the shit she pulled today but I want things to be better between us and starting a fight isn't gonna help.
"So, what do you wanna do now?" I ask and sound all relaxed and shit. Things aren't as tense as they were before so it's not like I sound like an ass but I'm too tired to be all serious again. Maybe after a few hours sleep we can hash this shit out a little more but right now I just wanna get some shut eye. She looks up at me, and she has this little shy look in her eyes. I love it when she gets that look on her face. It's one of my favorites.
"If it were up to me we'd go out, just the two of us," she says and now she looks really shy. I can't help the little smile that pulls at the corners of my lips. Damn she's so fuckin adorable. She made me forget that by making me wanna strangle her, but it's the fuckin truth. Right now she's making me wanna take her in my arms and never let her go, but I'm still pissed at her so that won't be happening anytime soon.
"Like, ya know, on a date?" she says, sounding all shy. She's even got the cute blush going on and now I really wanna hug her. Fuckin Buffy, turning me into a softy. The shy look goes away and is replaced with something a little more serious. Great, we're gonna have one of those talks again. "But I know you don't do stuff like that, Faith. I don't know what you want and it's scaring me. I need to know if you want something real with me or not." Fuck, I really wish I had another cigarette.
"The reason I said all that shit is because I don't want anything real with someone else," I tell her and she looks a little disappointed. I might as well bite the bullet and be completely honest with her now. I guess there's no reason not to be. "You're the only person I want, B. I want everything, the dating, the hand holding, and stupid pet names. I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down and get married." I would if she asked but I don't wanna freak her out. "But when I am ready, you're the one I wanna do that with."
She looks really fuckin surprised. I guess she didn't think I'd ever say anything like that. It's making me feel a little uncomfortable. I'm not used to talking about this kind of shit and I wanna get off the subject like right fuckin now. But then her shocked look turns to this cute, almost shy little smirk. Why does my face and neck feel so hot? Oh fuck, I'm blushing! God dammit, B! I never fuckin blush, ever. But one serious conversation with this chick about our feelings and now I'm blushing like a school girl.
"So we're really going to do this? We're really going to start dating?" B asks and she sounds…I don't know what the fuck she sounds like. Excited but also something else. I take in a big breath and hold onto it. Don't ask me why 'cause I don't know. I just need to think for a second. She's offering me everything I want, pretty much on a silver platter, but I can't say yes. I'm still too pissed off and hurt. If we go out on a date while I'm feeling like this and shit goes wrong this could end before it really gets started.
"We could go out to dinner, maybe see a movie. That's what all the cool kids are doing this way," she says with a little smirk. I can't help but smile back. She looks so fuckin adorable right now that it's really fuckin hard to even think about saying no to her. B's always been my weak spot, always. Back in the day she used to piss me off to no fuckin end and even the sound of her name could have me seein red, but since we became friends it's a different kind of weakness. Now that we've had sex who fuckin knows how much power this chick is gonna have over me.
"No, B, we can't," I tell her and her face falls. She looks confused and I have to force myself not to smile. I've always thought this expression looked cute. Sometimes I confuse her on purpose just so I can see this face. But I can't let it distract me right now even though all I wanna do is kiss her. Kiss her and pull her into my lap so I can run my hands up and down her back, and then up and down that fine ass of hers. Damn, what the fuck was I saying? Oh, right.
"What do you mean we can't?" she asks and she sounds a little panicked. I guess she thought once we hashed this shit out we would just jump right into something. Guess I have myself to blame for that. I'm not one of those people who like to take shit slowly. I'm still impulsive like I was back in Sunnydale. I just control it a little better now. "You just said you wanted this, so what's the problem?" She doesn't sound mad like I thought she was going to. She just sounds confused and a little desperate.
"B, I know you're not that dumb," I say and she gives me a little glare. "You have a lot of shit to make up for. All that stuff you said this morning really fuckin hurt." I might as well be totally fuckin honest. What else have I got to lose, right? She starts to interrupt but I beat her to it. I really wanna get this out before she can take it the wrong way. "Yeah, I know you didn't mean it, but it still happened. And I know you said you don't love him but you need to take some time to get over Marcus 'cause I'm not gonna be a rebound."
She lets out a little sigh and I can tell by the look on her face that she thinks I have a point. The problem is, even when she thinks someone has a point she still thinks she's right. I guess that's just what happens when you've been a slayer for so fuckin long. All the decisions rest on your fuckin shoulders and it's hard to trust someone else to make some. But I'm not going to back down on this. She's smart enough to know that if she pushes me too much then she'll lose me forever. Hopefully she's smart enough to know since I'm banking on it.
"Ok, we'll wait," she says and I can't believe she's fuckin agreeing with me. That's totally fuckin new. She gets this look on her face that sends a little shiver down my spine. It's making me wanna forget about everything that's been said in the last fifteen minutes and take her up to my room so I can fuck her brains out, again. If I didn't know any better I'd say she was doing this on purpose, but I do know better and B doesn't do shit like this.
"But I might get a little frustrated and impatient waiting for you," she says and the look in her eyes lets me know exactly what she's talking about. My breath gets caught in my throat and I kinda hate her for it. How the fuck can she pull my strings so fuckin easy? I might as well be some show old circus side show. Come one! Come all! Step right up to see manipulation at its finest! Tickets on sale now and anyone caught with their pants down will be asked to leave.
"So if you hear anything a little…suspicious, just remember that I'm thinking of you," she says with a little wink and a smirk that looks just like my smirk whenever I say something like that. She gets up and walks back into the house before I can say anything. God dammit, Buffy! Why the fuck do I always let her push me around like that? She's going to make this whole 'taking time' thing really fuckin hard for me just because she can. How the hell do I always get myself into these fucked up situations?
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