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Impossible Girl

by Salix

 

Rating: NC-17 just to be safe.
Summary: This is the sequel to The Princess of Denial, which was written for the "Love Games Challenge" so if you haven't read that it is highly recommended or you won't have a clue what's going on. This takes place a couple weeks after Princess.

 

 

Chapter One

"Gross you guys, I can hear you smacking," Dawn says and she sounds really fuckin irritated. I look over with a little smirk on my face 'cause I know exactly what she's talking about. Kennedy got home last night from another secret mission. She and Red haven't been able to keep their hands off each other but they're trying to be a part of Scooby movie night anyway. "I'm a child. You're supposed to be setting a good example for me."

"Yeah you guys," I say and I sound all agitated just like Dawnie but I can't wipe the fuckin smirk off my face. B looks over at me and she looks really fuckin confused. I love it when she gets that look on her face. Every time I see it I wanna kiss her. I can't think about that now, though. I need to finish what I was sayin. "What? She's right. Ken was using way too much tongue." I can practically hear all their fuckin eyes rollin in their heads. Yeah, I'm just that good.

"I do not use too much tongue," Ken says and she sounds like I just accused her of clubbin baby seals. That was a weird metaphor. Maybe I should stop spending so much time on the internet. It's starting to warp my mind. Anyway, I give her this 'are you on fuckin crack?' kinda look and she just gives me a little glare. She can be a bitch like that sometimes. Alright, if she wants to play, I'll fuckin play.

"Yeah, you do," I tell her like it was so fuckin obvious. And it was. Dawn normally doesn't notice when they make out during the movie 'cause she doesn't have slayer hearing. So if she picked up on it then Kennedy was using way too much tongue if they were making that much fuckin noise. "It looked like you were imitating a German Shepherd." As soon as those words leave my mouth, B gives me a smack on the arm.

"I was not. Stop making shit up, Faith," she says and now she's starting to get really pissed. I kinda can't believe this. She's actually getting pissed off at me instead of just play fighting like we always fuckin do. Hmm, looks like I hit some kind of nerve. Should I back off to keep the peace and let everyone get back to enjoying the movie? Nah, that just wouldn't be me.

"Ok, children, enough. Xander can't hear over your bickering," Red says and I glance over at Xander. He's not paying attention to a damn word we're saying. His eye look like there's something keepin it connected to the screen. I don't know why. There's nothing interesting happening. Nothing interesting ever happens in these movies. Fuckin chick flicks.

"Fine Red, we'll stop," I say and she looks a little relieved. It's not like I don't know why. Usually, when me and Kennedy start swappin insults, it goes on for a while and that's time that could be spent swappin spit with Red, ya know? "All I'm tryin to say is it looked like she was using your face to practice giving head." Buffy smacks me on the arm really fuckin hard and Kennedy throws a handful of M&M's at my face at the same goddamn time.

"Who's giving head?" Xander asks and finally pries his eye away from the T.V. Chloe, his girlfriend, gives him a little smack on the leg. Well, little for a slayer, painful for Xander. "Ow, what was that for? I didn't ask for details. I just want to know what they're talking about." Poor Xander, he just can't catch a fuckin break. Guess that's just what happens when you live in a house full of women.

"Faith, help me get some more sodas from the kitchen before someone gets seriously hurt," Red says and I can't help but roll my eyes. She's acting like this shit doesn't happen every day. Well, technically it doesn't. Normally, Kennedy and Chloe leave for weeks at a time but when they're here this is normal. Alright, so it's not normal. I've been makin fun of Kennedy more than I normally do. Probably 'cause I haven't been fighting with B as much.

Speaking of which, I look over at B and she looks into my eyes. She gives my hand a little squeeze, and I can't stop the little half smile that shows up on my face. What the fuck is that all about? B's the one who gives the girly half smiles, not me. I'm gonna have to really think about this 'cause B is starting to turn me into something else and I don't think I fuckin like it. The crazy thing is it doesn't feel bad, just different and kinda weird.

Anyway, we're sitting together on the couch, like we always do during Scooby movie night, but this time we have a blanket covering us up and we've been holding hands the whole time. No one's even noticed a thing. We're that fuckin good at this whole bein sneaky shit. We let go and I get up before anyone notices that little moment. I really don't feel like being called out right now, ya know? Dawnie's in the room and I don't know how she'd handle the news.

"So," Willow says as soon as we're in the kitchen and out of earshot. She always does this shit so it's not like I wasn't expecting it. Whenever she wants to talk to me about something she has me 'help her' with something that's conveniently in a different room. I don't think anyone else has picked up on that yet, though. Otherwise, they'd have their ears pressed up against the door. Or maybe not. I'm not sayin we have the most interesting conversations in the world, but that movie fuckin sucks hardcore. Listening to this would be an improvement.

"You and Buffy look like you're getting all snuggly-wuggly on the couch. Is there anything going on that I should know about?" God dammit, I guess we weren't as sneaky as I thought. Why do my neck and ears feel so fuckin hot? Great, I'm fuckin blushing. I can't believe this shit. "Aww, you're blushing." I glare at her, like give her a really mean fuckin death stare but all she does is smile. "You look like you're trying to melt me with your eyes. So there is something to tell." Dammit, Willow. Why does she have to know me so fuckin well?

"There's nothing to tell," I say and sit down on the stool. She's giving me that look like she doesn't believe me. Probably because I just tried to sell her a bunch of bullshit. Why do I always gotta do that to her? Well, this is a little different than it normally is. I've never done this kinda thing before and I wouldn't even know what to say. She gets a little smirk on her face and her eyes light up. Great, now she's gonna start reading into everything I say.

"Of course there's something to tell. You got that look in your eyes like you're trying to negotiate your way through a field of landmines." Funny, 'cause I feel like I'm being pressed against a wall with a knife to my throat, but I can see how she would get those two things mixed up. "Are you two dating now? Have there been smooches?" What are we, twelve fuckin years old? I didn't think she was gonna act like this. Now that I'm thinking about it, I totally should have. Guess that was just me being dumb.

"No, Red, it's not like that," I tell her and my voice sounds all fuckin weird. I sound all embarrassed and shit. I sound like a chick. What the fuck is that blonde doing to me? I'm not mad at her anymore for the shit that happened about three months ago. I was fuckin pissed for the first couple of weeks and wouldn't even talk to her. She said I turned her into a whore then accused me of getting her drunk and taking advantage. She was lucky I didn't lose control and go ape shit on her ass.

"Well, tell me what it's like," she says and she looks like a little puppy beggin for a treat. It makes me smile a little. I don't really know what to tell her though. About a week ago, I finally got over the whole thing. That morning at breakfast I gave her my last piece of bacon to let her know I was callin a truce. She got the message loud and clear 'cause that night when I got back from patrol there were six red roses lying on my pillow with a little card that said she was sorry.

"We're just starting to hang out again, that's all," I tell her and I know she isn't gonna fall for that shit. I knew it while I was sayin it. I hate that this isn't getting any easier. Getting information outta me about my feelings and all that bullshit is like pullin teeth with your bare fuckin hands. But Red knows that and she wouldn't be trying if she didn't care. You'd think I'd work a little harder to make it easier for her, but I don't.

"Don't try to give me that," she says but she doesn't sound irritated. She sounds like she was expecting it and she thinks it's funny I even tried. At least she gets it. These conversations would turn into fights every time if she didn't get me. "I know what hanging out looks like, and that wasn't just hanging out." I give her questioning look and she looks at me like I'm totally fuckin retarded or something. I don't get mad 'cause when it comes to this shit I kind of am. "There are definitely sparks flying between you two. You totally want to have each others' babies." I can't help but laugh. She's such a fuckin weirdo.

"I wouldn't go that far, but yeah ok, there are sparks. I just don't know what they mean, exactly." Her eyes light up again. I guess she's surprised I'm actually admitting to anything and she's totally fuckin happy about it. I feel my neck and ears get all hot again. Why the fuck is she doing this to me? I swear this woman likes to torture me. She doesn't do it in an obvious way so I can't tell anyone about it without sounding retarded but she's always fuckin with my head.

"Ok, as your best friend I think I should be the one to explain this to you," she says and she sounds like a total fuckin smartass. Guess I can't be too surprised since she's talkin to a total fuckin smartass. Anyway, she laces her fingers together, puts her hands down on the breakfast bar and kinda leans towards me a little bit. My eyes narrow to a glare but she doesn't back off. Guess she knows I won't do anything to her.

"You see, Faith, when two people share this special spark, that's called having chemistry. Not all people are attracted to each other like this, but when they are it makes them want to be close with this person. To build a strong emotional bond," she says and she has the weirdest fuckin look on her face 'cause she's trying so damn hard not to laugh. It's like her facial muscles are havin a fit or something and she's trying her hardest to control it.

"It makes them want to learn everything about the other person, to spend as much time together as possible. To open up and share things that they've never shared before," she says and what she's gonna say next must be HI-larious because she's trying really fuckin hard to hold in the laughter. I swear, Willow is the smartest person I know, but sometimes she can be really fuckin retarded. "And then get naked and have wild monkey sex." I reach over and push her face a little and we both start laughing our fuckin asses off.

"I heard that!" B yells from the living room and my eyes go fuckin wide. Oh shit, I forgot she was out there and has slayer hearing. God dammit son of a bitch! Now the whole fuckin house is gonna know that me and B got something going on. I'm probably wrong. I hope I'm fuckin wrong. I doubt anyone else is paying attention to our conversation, except for B 'cause she likes to eavesdrop. We're gonna have to be more careful about these conversations.

"Ok, all joking aside," Willow says and her voice is just a whisper. How fucked up is it that we're grown women and having to whisper like little kids in our own damn house? I guess that's just what happens when a Summers woman is in the vicinity. Dawn used to spy on me and B all the time when we were still friends back in Sunnydale. "You and Buffy love each other. You've already said it to each other, so I think it's about time you two get your acts together." My eyes roll when she says that. Like it's that fuckin simple.

"That's easier said than done, Red," I tell her and get up. I walk over to the fridge and grab a soda. I'm not that thirsty but I need something to keep my hands busy. B wants me to quit smoking and I told her I'd try to quit if she'd stop making me watch chick flicks. Yeah fuckin right. I'm sure if that ever happens hell will freeze over. "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And she's just…." I trail off 'cause I honestly don't know how to put what I'm feeling into words.

"She's just what?" Red asks and she looks confused. I sigh and sit back down. Things with B haven't been going the way I thought they were going to. It's great hanging out with her again 'cause she's my friend and I missed her, but things are really fuckin different now. Like Red said, there's hanging out and then there's what me and B do. The only problem is I don't fuckin know what we're doing.

"She's just different," I say and take a long swig of my soda. I'm not that thirsty but anything to avoid talking about this would be really fuckin helpful. "Being around her now is kinda weird." It is weird. It's really fuckin weird. Don't get me wrong, I still like being around her. She's still B, ya know? But there's just something different, and it isn't just when we hang out. Patrolling is weird too, and even when we hang out with the Scoobs it's kinda awkward. Well, for me it is. B seems perfectly fine, and that's part of the problem.

"Is it weird because you're trying to hide what's going on between you two?" she asks and my eyebrows furrow a little bit. "Like, you don't feel comfortable trying to be all sneaky about it? I almost gave myself an ulcer in college trying to keep Tara a secret. That saying 'the truth will set you free' is a cliché for a reason." I guess that makes sense. Red likes to be open and honest about everything so trying to keep a relationship a secret would do some damage.

"No, it's not like that," I say and feel a little bit of guilt. Ok so maybe it's a little like that. I hate sneaking around and hiding things. I used to do that all the time and I went crazy, literally. I look down at my soda can. I don't know why but I just can't look at her right now. "I've never dated someone worth-while and I don't wanna fuck this up. But I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, ya know?" I look up at her and she has that thoughtful 'Willow look' on her face.

"My advice?" she says and my ears perk up a little bit. Red has monogamy down to a T, and I'm just getting my feet wet. "Just relax and try to go with the flow. If you start over-thinking everything you're going to kill this before it even gets started. And talk to Buffy about it. She's probably just as nervous as you are. She's just really good at hiding it." 'Relax' and 'go with the flow'? That's what she's giving me? I was looking for something a little more specific.

"Baby, will you bring me another Sprite?" Ken yells out and instantly Dawn shushes her. Guess the movie is starting to get good 'cause normally she doesn't care if people interrupt. Willow reaches over and squeezes my arm a little. I let out a big sigh and fuck I didn't even know I was holding my breath. Now that I'm paying more attention my whole body feels kinda tense. I guess I do need to relax 'cause if being around B makes me feel like this from now on then this isn't gonna work.

Alright, I think I'm gonna take Red's advice this time. The last time she gave me some, I didn't listen at all and look what that got me: having to listen to Buffy and that cro-mag screwing like rabbits almost nonstop. God damn, even thinking about that gets my blood boiling in the worst fuckin way. I take in a deep breath when I open the fridge and grab another diet coke for B in case she wants one, and let it out really fuckin slow. I feel my muscles relax and I feel a little better. Just gotta keep my thoughts off that fuckin tool and everything will be ok.

We walk back into the living room and everyone has their eyes fuckin glued to the screen. I guess the movie is getting good if no one is even glancing up to see that we're back. Well, almost no one. B just glanced over and as soon as she sees the diet coke in my hand she gets a little smirk on her face. What the fuck was that all about? I'm gonna have to find out what that little smirk means because I get that same smirk on my face all the time right before I make fun of someone. So what the fuck did I do that she's gonna give me shit about?

I sit down next to her but not as close as I was before. If Red noticed that something is going on between us then the others might be suspicious too and B doesn't want them finding out just yet. Buffy really isn't fuckin helping out with that plan at all. She just shifted around a bit so now she's closer to me than she was before. I'm focusing on the T.V. now and praying that no one will look back at us because I can feel her breath on my ear and I know someone will ask what the fuck is up with her being this fuckin close.

"You are so whipped," she whispers and takes the diet coke from my hand. What the fuck did she just say to me? I am not fuckin whipped! I look over at her and I guess I look pissed 'cause she smiles again and I can tell she's trying not to laugh. God damn she looks so fuckin cute when she's trying not to laugh. Her cheeks get all flushed and she's got this smile on her face that's so big it looks like it hurts. But mostly it's her eyes. They got this little sparkle in 'em that isn't there most of the time. "I didn't even have to ask, you just brought me my favorite soda. It's sweet, and you're so whipped."

"What-the-fuck-ever," I whisper back and trust me I don't sound fuckin happy at all. I'm all confused and shit about what it is we're doing exactly and now she's tellin me I'm whipped and all its doing is making me even more confused and frustrated. I'm not fuckin whipped. I've never been whipped and I'll never be whipped especially not by Princess Pastels. Alright, I'll admit, I'm whipped just a little bit but I'm not the only one. Red keeps Ken on a pretty short leash and she's still cool. Besides, B isn't the only one with power in this…whatever the fuck we are. Let's see how she likes a taste of her own medicine.

I scoot away from her and get all comfy on the other side of the couch. There's enough room between us to fit another person. I prop my feet up on the coffee table and let out a little sigh. I can see her face outta the corner of my eye and she doesn't look happy. I try to watch her out of the corner of my eye without making it obvious but I think she knows I'm watching. She's a slayer too so she's pretty hard to fool. That doesn't mean I won't stop trying to fool her. One of these days I'll get the upper hand, B, one of these days.

Anyway, she looks all shocked and pissed off at first. Then she calms down and sits back against her spot on the couch. She crosses her arms over her chest and she focuses her attention on the T.V. I guess she's gonna try to ignore me, and she's making a big show of it too. Well, not to anyway who looks back but I can tell exactly what she's doing and it's pretty fuckin funny. So now you want a cold war, B, is that it? Alright, girlfriend if this is how you want it you better go put on some mittens 'cause you might get a little bit of frost bite.

I pretend to yawn. Like a really big 'oh my god I might drop right here' kinda yawn. I stretch out my arms above my head and arch my back. I see B look over and I have to force back the smirk that wants to come out. B has a thing for my chest. I lied to Willow back in the kitchen. We haven't just been hanging out. We made out for a while the other night when she snuck into my room to talk. For a while it was just kissing but then B's hands started to roam. She kept 'em above my clothes but once they found my tits she didn't let go for at least half an hour. Not that I was complainin 'cause it felt awesome.

"Are you getting tired, Faith?" Willow asks and I look over at her. She's got a little smirk on her face and I can tell she knows exactly what's going on. Well, maybe not exactly. She knows that me and B like to play little mind games with each other. We always have and that's how it's always gonna be. Red thinks it's cool that we're like this, totally immature and all of that shit, but pretty cool that we can just have some innocent fun. Well, as long as it doesn't lead to a real fight then she thinks it's cool. As soon as doors start slamming, she yells that we need to grow up.

"Yeah, Red, a little bit," I say and squirm around a little on the couch to make a big show of tryin to get comfortable. "The girls at the training house really wore me out today. Becky had me flat on my back in no time and pinned me down. We need to get the air conditioner fixed 'cause we were both all sweaty and breathin hard. And that was just the first round." Normally whenever me and B play these little mind games it's usually to see who can freeze out who the longest, but I'm not above a little creative thinking if it means I'm gonna win.

"Well maybe you should go to bed if you're so worn out," she says but she sounds hella distracted. She has that far off look in her eyes and I can tell her brain has checked out. I glance around the room and everyone has that same look on their faces. Well, everyone but Dawn and Chloe but they're straight so it's not like I was expecting to get 'em drooling over what I said. Dawn looks me dead in the eyes and if looks could kill I'd be a pile of ooze right now. I give her a little wink and she just rolls her eyes and goes back to watching the movie.

"And miss hanging out with you guys? I think I can manage to keep my eyes open 'til the end of this," I tell her but she isn't really listening. It takes a few more seconds for her to snap out of the little haze she was just in and I have a huge shit eating grin on my face. She doesn't look too happy with me but I don't really care. It's not like I was trying to get all of them to think about me on my back, sweaty and breathing hard. I was trying to get B to think about it and I did so mission accomplished.

Everyone goes back to watching the movie and the room is pretty quiet except for the sounds coming out of the T.V. After a few minutes of relative silence I make another big show of yawning and stretching. I make sure to arch my back real nice so B can have a nice view of my cleavage. I can tell it's starting to drive her crazy because she's lightly tapping her fingers against her thigh. She only taps her fingers against things when she's trying to bottle something up. Right now she's trying to stop herself from losing the game.

"I need chips, anyone else want anything?" I ask and everyone just shakes their heads no. Well, everyone but B. She looks like she's trying to not have a stroke. I don't know how the fuck a person would do that but whatever it is she looks like she's doing it. I get up and walk into the kitchen. I grab the bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos and hop up on the counter and wait. I stare at the clock on the wall and munch away at the chips. It won't be long, trust me. When it comes to this game I'm the fucking queen.

I'm only left waiting for two minutes before I hear her mumble something to the others and then she walks in after me. She looks irritated, like she's pissed as hell but I can see that little spark in her eye that lets me know she isn't mad, she's just pretending. Either that or it's the spark she gets in her eye right before she stakes a vamp and if that's the case I better haul my ass outta here before things get ugly.

"You're getting way too good at this," she says and walks up to me. The expression on her face goes from angry to something softer. I can't really place it, though. She looks…guilty would be my best guess but I'm not sure 'cause I've never really seen her look like that before. Maybe I should pull out my cell phone a take a picture of all her different facial expressions and have Willow label 'em so I can study. I think that would clear a lot of shit up. "And I'm sorry." Ok, I totally did not see that coming.

"I know you were just playing around but sometimes you play around to cover up what you're really feeling and I want to apologize in case I really did hurt your feelings," she says and she reaches out and puts her hands on my knees. She gives me a little look and I know what it means right away, no study guide needed. I part my thighs and B stands in between 'em. She wraps her arms around my waist and gives me a little peck on the lips. "You were being sweet to me and I shouldn't have made fun of that."

I can't help the soft smile that pulls at my lips. A smile like this is rare. It's not a smirk or a grin or anything snarky like that. This is a genuine smile that's pretty fuckin girly and I don't normally do this in front of other people. But I know B isn't gonna bring it up 'cause she already feels guilty about making that comment about me being whipped. She smiles right back and the look on her face changes from guilt to happiness. I love seeing that look and if it were up to me she'd always look like that, especially when she's between my legs 'cause her looking guilty while she's there might give me a complex, ya know?

"That's alright, B," I tell her and give her a little kiss on the lips. I've never really had these little kisses before. Whenever I would kiss someone I'd make it kinda rough. I really wanted 'em to feel it, ya know? But being with B is different and this is just one of those little differences that you would never really think about until it happens. I gently stroke her cheek with my free hand and I smile a little wider. She gets a look on her face like she's anticipating something sarcastic. She knows me too well. "And guess what." She quirks her eyebrow a little but stays quiet. "You are so fucking whipped."

 


 

Chapter Two

"Faith, are you asleep?" I hear B whisper and a smile pulls at my lips. I fuckin hate it when she says that, which is why she says it every time she sneaks in here. Things are different between us now but some things are still the same. We love messing with each other and I don't think that's going to change. As long as she doesn't make fun of my accent `cause that's a big fuckin `no'. She did that before and I started talking like a valley girl and she got pissed and we fought and didn't talk to each other for three days.

"Yeah, B, I'm in a dead fuckin sleep. You might wanna come back later before you wake me up," I tell her and she giggles a little bit. Normally, I love hearing her giggle `cause she sounds so young and carefree, but here in the dark it's reminding me of the time I watched Children of the Corn when I was like nine and that just ain't right. Before I have too much time to dwell on that, B shuts the door and runs across the room. She jumps on the bed and lands on her hands and knees. She bounces a couple of times before she finally makes her way up to me and lies down. She's normally not this hyper. She must've had too much candy during the movie.

"Hi," she whispers and giggles a little bit. Yep, way too much fuckin candy.

Oh man, she's probably gonna be a nightmare to deal with in about half an hour when the sugar high starts to wear off and she gets pissy. She always gets pissy when she has a sugar crash and it's never fun. I might fake being really fuckin tired just so she'll go back to her room early. Before I can say anything back she leans over and kisses me. Mmm, her lips taste like strawberries and gummy-bears and that unique Buffy-taste I don't think I'll ever get used to but I really want to try.

"Hey," I tell her when the kiss ends. I don't know how I said that considering she kinda took my breath away. Yeah, I know that sounded totally fuckin mushy and girly or whatever but I couldn't help it. Sometimes a situation is just girly and this is one of `em. Nothing I can do about it and even if there was I wouldn't `cause I kinda like how this feels. Everything is relaxed, there's no big rush to hurry up and get things done so I can go to sleep. B makes me feel special, in the non-retarded sense of the word.

"`Hey' is for horses. You should know that," she says and giggles like crazy.

Man, she is being such a freak right now, but I like it. She's adorable and if she keeps giggling I might start too. I haven't giggled since I was like, five, so it might be kinda interesting to find out how that sounds. I reach out and put my hand on her hip. It doesn't seem like much but it calms her down a little and she gets that dreamy smile on her face. Every time she looks at me with that smile I can't believe it `cause those were the smiles that she always saved for her boyfriends, not for me.

"Yeah, and getting `hi' is for stoners. Didn't think you got down like that B, but with the way you're giggling and shit, maybe I was totally wrong," I tell her and she starts giggling like it was planned or something. Seeing Buffy stoned would probably be really fuckin funny. I can't really picture even though I'm trying really fuckin hard but I know it would be funny as hell. I think I'm gonna have to make this shit happen. I'm sure Red would be able to hook me up. With all of the shit she buys for her spells I'm sure it won't be hard for her to track down some weed.

"I don't, silly. I'm just happy to see you," she says and smiles. Goddamn, what she just said is making my heart feel all fucked up. Like it literally skipped a beat and now it's beating a little faster to make up for it or something. Before I can stop it this little sigh escapes my lips and I wanna cringe because that sounded really fuckin girly and it just doesn't sound like me, ya know? But I guess I can let it slide for now because B's smile just got a little bigger. I like seeing B happy and if acting like a twitterpated teenager makes her happy than I'll act like it…behind closed doors.

I don't know what to say so I don't say anything. I close the almost nonexistent space between us and kiss her. It's soft and slow and it feels fucking amazing. It's not like we've had a lot of experience with this or nothing. There was that one night that started this all but we were both pretty drunk so it's all kind of a blur. Then there was the other night when she came in here and we made out for a while before she went back to her own room when things started to get a little too intense. And get this, she's not the one that stopped it, I did. Yeah, can you fucking believe that? `Cause I'm having trouble believing it and I'm the one who did it.

"God your lips are so soft," B says when the kiss ends. She hasn't gone far though and I can feel her heavy breaths puff against my lips and cheeks. My lips are all swollen and shit and they feel fuckin hyper sensitive right now so even her breaths feel good. I smile at her and gently cup her cheek. I run my thumb over the soft skin and the look in her eyes changes a little bit. They look darker, and her pupils are getting a little bigger. I get the sudden urge to tell her that I love her and where the fuck did that come from?

Yeah, we're kissing and everything is feeling really intense and shit but I can't. I mean, we haven't even been on a date yet, isn't it too soon to be throwing that word around? And who says there's even going to be a date? The way she's been acting since we made up it's like she doesn't want anyone to know. It's gonna be kinda obvious that something is going on if we're getting dressed up hotter than usual and leaving the house together. Unless she wants to do that teenage bullshit of `you leave now and I'll meet you in five minutes'. I don't think I can handle that.

Buffy kisses me but it doesn't feel good like it did before. I feel like I can't breathe, in a really fuckin bad way and I need to get a little space here. I fuckin hate how I'm acting right now. I have a hot chick in my bed right now, Buffy fucking Summers no goddamn less, and here I am panicking and feeling scared like some little virgin or something. I'm Faith, dammit, nothing can intimidate me. Except B when she's really pissed and holding a knife `cause that shit is scary and you would be scared too if she tried to gut you once upon a time.

I try to shut my mind up and just relax. This is good, it's just kissing for god's sake. Seventh graders kiss, at least I did when I was in the seventh grade. Well when I bothered to show up. Anyway, I get my breathing under as much control as can be expected when I'm sucking face with someone. If she thinks my lips are soft, she has no damn idea how soft hers are. It feels like my own little piece of heaven, like a cloud or cotton candy or something but you don't get that weird sugary feeling after.

After a few minutes of the light and gentle kisses, I feel the tip of B's tongue slowly run along my upper lip. I open my mouth a little bit and she lightly runs it along the inside of my lip. It feels kinda weird but really fuckin awesome and before I can really enjoy it she pulls her tongue back into her mouth. I can't help the smile that breaks out on my face. She is such a fucking tease. I open my eyes and look at her for a second. She's looking back at me with a little glint in her eyes. Bitch, she's being a tease on purpose.

I shut my eyes and we go back to doing what we were doing. And damn this feels so fuckin good. If someone had told me five years ago that one day I'd have Buffy Summers in my bed and we'd be making out like a couple of teenagers I probably would've laughed in their fuckin face before kicking their teeth in for bothering me. I feel B start to play with the hem of my shirt. I guess she's going for second tonight and did someone just light a fire on the back of my neck `cause it feels really fuckin hot in here.

The kisses get deeper when I feel her hand slip under my shirt. This is so fuckin weird. This is so not how I pictured this moment in my head and if you think I didn't think about making out with B all those years in prison then you're fucking retarded, in the non-special sense of the word. I always pictured me being the more aggressive one because hello! It's me we're talking about. But here this little blonde thing is making me sigh and swoon and feeling like a sixteen year old about to lose her cherry. And I guess it's kinda true `cause this is different but I don't wanna say how it's different `cause I'll sound like a total douche.

"Wait, B," I breathe out when I feel her hand start to move up towards my chest.

Man, she isn't being very patient tonight. Guess she really wants to find out what they feel like without the shirt in the way. I don't blame her, they're awesome, but this is getting to be too much too fast and I feel like such a fucking idiot for telling her to stop. Buffy Summers is in your bed, you fucking retard! Her hand stops moving, but she doesn't take it out of my shirt. She pulls her head back just enough so she can look me in the eye and she looks a little confused.

"What is it?" she asks and she sounds pretty breathless. Damn, she looks so hot right now. She's panting and her face is flushed and her hair is kinda messy. I didn't even know my fingers were runnin through it. When did that shit happen? Ok, when my body starts doing things without me telling it to, I think that's when it's time to take a step back and calm down. "Faith, did I do something wrong?" Great, jackass, you've been quiet for too long and now she's all freaked out. Way to go. Now she probably thinks you don't wanna be with her or something.

"No, B, you didn't do anything wrong," I tell her and I sound just as breathless. Don't worry, B, it's not you. I'm just a great big freak. I have everything I could have wanted. I have friends, a nice roof over my head, steady meals that fill me up, and a hot chick in my bed who would probably fuck me if I just let it happen. So what the fuck is wrong with me that I just can't take it? Why the fuck can't I just be calm for five minutes and get lost in this goddamn moment that we both want to happen?

"It's just I…" don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to say. Think Faith, think! I need to say something quick `cause she's looking at me with those eyes and it's driving me so fuckin crazy. They're so dark and the pupils are so fucking big and she's starting to look confused and maybe a little insecure. I know B better than she thinks I do and I know she's still insecure when it comes to sex. Can't really blame her though. Angel went evil, Parker was a tool. Enough said. I think I might be able to use that to my advantage right now. "I just don't want you to feel like you have to do this. We can take things slow if you want."

"You're so sweet to me," she says with a smile to match the swoony tone to her voice. She finally pulls her hand outta my shirt and I have to fight back the sigh of relief that wants nothing more than to escape my lungs. What the fuck is up with that? Anyway, B wraps her arms around me in a hug and rests her forehead against mine. "What did I do to deserve you?" You don't deserve me. You deserve someone who won't lie to you, like I just did. `Course I'm not gonna say that out loud or nothing `cause I'm not ready for that conversation.

"I think the same thing sometimes," I tell her and she gets a questioning look on her face. I guess that did come out kinda wrong. "I mean, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you, like you could do so much better than me." The cro-mag was better than me. He wasn't just a really nice guy, he treated her right, he had a really good job so he would've been able to give her the stuff she needs. I wait tables part time at a little diner, how am I supposed to help her out financially if this gets serious?

"Sometimes…" I start to say but then I stop. Should I tell her this? Is this something she's gonna wanna hear? Then again we're supposed to be in a relationship or we're going to try to be in a relationship, the plan or whatever isn't so clear right now. But I should at least try to tell the truth even if it hurts a little. "I dunno, sometimes I think you should've tried to work it out with…," she puts her finger on my lips to stop me. She doesn't look pissed off which I'm glad about. The last thing I wanna do is fight with her.

"Things wouldn't have worked out with him, Faith, even if we never hooked up," she says and she sounds so sure of herself but she also sounds a little sad. I guess she hasn't forgiven herself yet. "I've known, Faith. I've always known that I have feelings for you. But being the slayer made me different, and being gay would have made me even more different. Then everything…happened, and I couldn't think about it because it hurt too much. So I shut down and focused on Angel.

"Even after you came back to help us I didn't think it would have worked out because there was so much baggage between us. Marcus is a good guy and I hate that I hurt him." She's quiet for a second and I can tell she's trying to fight back the guilt. B has such a guilt complex about everything. I wonder when she's going to learn to let that go. "But I'm glad that it happened." Ok, really wasn't expecting her to say that. Wasn't expecting any of this, but especially not that. "It forced us to finally be completely honest with each other." I gently rub her back with one of my hands. I hate that she looks so sad now. Maybe a slight subject change will help.

"So why now?" I ask in a whisper. I kinda wish she won't hear it because I'm a little afraid of the answer. I think this is one of those things that if she gets it wrong I might not be able to be with her. I don't know why I feel that way about it but its fuckin true. She furrows her eyebrows a little and I smile a little. She always does that when she's confused and it's so fuckin cute."With all of our baggage and everything that happened, why do you think we can handle each other now?" I went out of my fucking way to avoid the word relationship. I don't know what she thinks this is yet and I don't wanna scare her off.

"You. You changed my mind. You changed it a long time ago, I just didn't think you had any feelings for me," she says and she looks calmer now. The worry lines are gone because she doesn't look all guilty anymore. Now she just looks…I dunno, I guess content would be the right word. She looks peaceful here in my arms. Why the fuck did I have to panic? She's been in my bed for almost an hour and we still have our clothes on. This is bullshit and it's all my fault. But this talking thing isn't so bad. Hearing what she has to say is making me feel more confident about this whole situation.

"You've been trying so hard to change and you have. You're more responsible, even when we go out, you don't drink as much as you used to. You have your self-respect back. But it isn't just that." She stops talking and she bites her bottom lip. I know exactly what that means. She wants to say something but she's afraid to say it. I guess she's afraid how I'll react because she's looking straight into my eyes and it's intense, like she's searching for something. I guess she found what she was looking for `cause she just let out a little breath.

"I knew for sure that morning after we…ya know? When I was saying all of those awful things to you I could tell how mad you were getting, I could see it. Your hands kept balling up into fists and you looked like you wanted to hit me as hard as you could. But you didn't. You tried to make me see reason, you tried to explain your side but I wouldn't listen and you didn't try to force me. If any of that had happened in Sunnydale, even after you got out of prison, we would have been beating on each other within five minutes, but that didn't
happen. So I don't just think, I know we can make this work."

I don't say anything and I don't feel pressured too. I guess she knows I need a few minutes just to think. Or maybe she's just tired of talking. She did do a lot of it just now. This has gotta be disappointing as hell for her. She came in here looking for fool around and instead we start talkin like a couple of teenage girls. But, I dunno, I feel better now. I feel like a weight has been lifted. She said `we can make this work', so she wants there to be something serious. We aren't just fooling around, fumbling under our clothes to find some meaningless release. She wants there to be an `us'. Wait a fuckin minute.

"How come you don't want to tell our friends about this?" I ask and I try as hard as I fuckin can to make that sound like I wasn't accusing her of something. But deep down I know I am. She just said exactly what I wanna hear and there's this little part of me in the back of my mind that thinks maybe she's just trying to play me. Maybe the situation is finally reversed. I finally found someone I really care about and wanna be with but since I've fucked over so many people I don't get to be happy. She's just using me for sex or whatever. I
know that sounds retarded but I can't shake the feeling.

"There wasn't anything to tell yet," she says with a little shrug. She doesn't look mad so she either didn't pick up on my tone or she's forcing herself to stay calm. Either way I'm glad this isn't gonna turn into a fight. I really don't think I could handle that right now. "Plus I wasn't sure if you wanted them to know. I mean, I don't know what you want this to be. I don't know if you think of me the same as I think of you. I just…I don't know." Now she looks scared and insecure. She looks how I feel and I feel bad now for making her feel that. I'm glad that she didn't hesitate, though. I finally have the one thing from her I've always wanted: her trust.

"I want you, B," I say and it feels like I said that all wrong. "Not like, in a sex way." She raises an eyebrow and gets a dirty smirk on her face. She's been hanging out with me way too much. I can't help but chuckle a little bit at the thought of that, and it relieves some of the tension that's been building up. I'm glad. It was starting to get a little hard to breathe. "Alright, I do, but not just in a sex way. I want to be yours, ya know? And I want you to be mine. I just don't know how to do that. I've never been in a relationship before. Well, not one that mattered. I'm just so afraid I'm going to fuck this up. I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't," she says really fuckin quick. She looks like she means it, like she really believes it but I'm not so sure. I give her a skeptical look and she lets out a big sigh. "Ok, so you might, but being in a relationship isn't as hard as you're making it sound. It's not like you have to fight dragons or storm castles or whatever it was Mario had to do to save the princess and get laid." I can't help but crack the fuck up when she says that. Goddamn, she has been spending way too much time with me. It kinda fuckin rocks.

"What I mean is there are a lot of obvious things you're not supposed to do. Like, don't tell me my jeans make me look fat, or call me ugly or pull my hair. Well, that last one could be more of a judgment call. If I'm in the kitchen drinking coffee don't sneak up behind me and pull my hair like a ten year old. If we're in the throws and getting a little carried away and you think I can handle it that's up to you." Wow, I totally never thought B could talk about sex and not blush. I guess I'm learning a lot tonight.

"What about you?" I raise my eyebrow and she just rolls her eyes. I know what she's talking about, I just wanna avoid talking about it. I don't know why I want to avoid it. It's a pretty good idea, ya know, lying down ground rules and all that shit, but I don't know. Everything feels like it's happening so fast and I can't make it slow down. Like I'm stuck on a train and it passed my stop hours ago but it won't let me off. "What are your obvious no-no's that I probably already know but wanna hear anyway?" I would tease her for what she just said but I don't think I have it in me right now.

"I dunno," I say and shrug a little. She gives me that little look that says `well think about it for more than two seconds'. I guess I know her looks pretty good after all. We have been really close friends for the last couple years. I don't know why I'm so fucking afraid of being in a relationship with her. Well, I guess because if it doesn't work out I'll lose everything and I think that might be too big of a risk. "I think the big one you already know is: don't hide my cigarettes." She gives me a look like she's totally not amused.

"Yeah, right, like that's ever gonna happen. And I don't touch your icky cancer sticks. The anti-cancer fairies hide them from you to stop your lungs from rotting from the inside out." Ok, that was a pretty brutal description but a person's bad habits aren't just gonna go away over night. That shit takes time and I'm not ready to give it up yet, ya know? "I think I already know the big ones, but feel free to correct me." I might take her up on that. "Never, ever give away the last of your cereal." That makes me laugh a little. "Never borrow your boots without asking. Never borrow one of your knives without asking, and never tell Kennedy it's ok to play your X-box when you're not here."

"Sounds about right, but you forgot a couple," I tell her and she gets this look on her face like she's trying really hard to be patient but I know she's dying to find out. The mood in the room is finally starting to shift back to pleasant so I don't wanna make it all tense again but we're laying down ground rules so I need to bring up some big sore spots. She already knows not to bring it up, but things might be different. She might think that because we're together she has a right to know, but she doesn't. At least, not yet.

"I know we're gonna have to hash this shit out eventually but I'm not ready to go over what went down in Sunnydale," I say and she gets a very serious look on her face. I don't need to explain which parts because she already knows. She already knows I mean killing Finch and turning to the Mayor, and then killing that professor in cold blood because the Mayor wanted me to. The stuff that happened after prison I can talk about just fine, but before? No fuckin way."Or what happened in prison. I'm just not ready to go over it yet, ok?" She brings her hand up and starts stroking my hair. I can't help but smile `cause it's such a `Buffy' thing to do.

"Yeah, ok," she says and she sounds like she really means it. I'm glad. If she were only saying it to go along with what I'm saying now then I think it might start a fight. But she really means it so she's not going to be all over me about it in a few days. "Faith, I forgave you for all of that a long time ago. I've come to terms on my own with most of it. So there's no pressure. Whenever you're ready we'll talk, alright?" I nod my head `cause I feel like if I try to talk right now I might start crying and I don't wanna look like a pussy in front of her.

"I think I should get back to my room," she says and looks over at the clock on the nightstand. "It's way passed late." I can't help but smile. Damn, she knows me way too fuckin well. Whenever Sunnydale: the olden days are even mentioned by anyone I need space, especially away from her. She's trying to give me space but the weird thing is I don't want it. "I have to be up early tomorrow. I have that…thing at the training house." She doesn't, she's just trying to make her excuse not about me. She doesn't wanna make me feel uncomfortable. She lets go of me and starts to scoot towards the edge of the bed but I grab her arm. She looks into my eyes and she looks pretty fuckin surprised.

"You can stay in here tonight if you want," I tell her and that surprised look doesn't go away. It's not like we've never shared a bed before and I don't mean in a sex way. Yeah, we did that once, but what I meant is sometimes when she sneaks in here in the middle of the night and we just talk she falls asleep because she's too tired to walk the eight feet down the hall to her bedroom. I'm starting to think maybe she was just trying to stay close to me, but I don't wanna bring it up tonight. "The bed's comfortable, and you have your own pillow and everything." I try to break some of the tension and it worked a little bit. She's not in shock anymore, but she's definitely not as playful as she was when she came in here.

"Yeah, I know," she says and crawls under the covers. I do the same and it only takes her like two seconds to snuggle up to me. I guess now that we know exactly what this is she's not going to pretend like she doesn't wanna be this close to me. Hopefully she isn't like this all the time `cause I don't know how the fuck I'll deal if she gets clingy. "You might want to be careful, though. If you keep treating me this special I might get spoiled." I can't help but laugh a little and I wrap my arms around her. Fuck it feels so good to finally be able to fall asleep with her in my arms. I'll never say that out loud but it feels damn good.

"You're already spoiled, B, you just won't admit it," I tell her and she gives me a little slap on the ass and I squeal. Yeah, I fuckin squealed, how retarded is that? I couldn't help it, though. She totally caught me by surprise. "Hey, you keep those hands in neutral places, B. I know it's hard `cause I'm wicked hot and you totally want me but nothing dirty is gonna be happening in this bed tonight. Not even if you beg." Fuck, why the fuck did I just challenge her? What the fuck is wrong with me? I swear, I need to have my head checked.

"Don't worry, your virtue is safe," she says and she lets out a little laugh.

Damn, that sounded hella cute and it made my heart feel all fucked up again. I really hope that doesn't start happening all the time `cause I might develop some type of condition and that wouldn't be good, ya know? `Cause then B would have to be less happy so my heart wouldn't feel like that and I don't think I'd be able to handle that. Fuck, this chick is turning me into a total softy. I think she was right during the movie, I am totally fucking whipped. She kisses me on the lips and it snaps me outta my thoughts. "Goodnight, Faith."

"Goodnight, B," I tell her and leave a little kiss on her lips. I look into her eyes for a few seconds but then she closes her and rests her head down on my pillow. Any other person tried to do this, besides Willow, and they'd be fucking kicked through that window so damn fast it would make their head spin. What is it about B? Why is she so damn special? It isn't just me. It's everyone around her that thinks so. Except for Dawnie, but that's expected. Hell, why am I even thinking about this? She's with me, not any of them, so maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth and just enjoy it. Yeah, I think I'll do that instead.

 


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