Chapter 73: Struggling (part two)
The Following Day. FPOV
“Hey,” I hear someone say. I look up from the book I’ve been reading for the last couple of hours and see Buffy standing in the doorway. Things haven’t been awkward like I thought they were going to be. Which is good ‘cause I’m stressed out enough as it is. “My Faith, I mean this reality’s Faith, called a few minutes ago and she wants to talk to me in person. I won’t be back in time to make dinner, do you think you can order out? I left some menus by the phone, and the take out money is in the coffee can on top of the fridge.” It’s kinda of hard to describe the look on her face right now. It’s like she wants to go just to get it over with but at the same time she doesn’t want to go at all.
“Yeah, I can do that,” I tell her and nod my head a little. Ok, so should I ask or should I mind my own business? Hopefully she doesn’t get mad at me. “Do you know what she wants to talk about?” If I had to guess I’d say she wants a divorce. She probably wants to run off with the chick she’s with now. God that’s gotta be rough. I have no idea what the fuck I’d do if B ever left me for someone else. Ok, so I have a pretty good idea, but what happens after that? I mean, the only person this Buffy has ever been with is my evil twin. How is she supposed to get over that? Sure she has the kids to fuss on, but not for that much longer. In a couple of years they’ll be off at college, and she’ll be by herself.
“I don’t know, she didn’t say. And she sounded a little nervous, and…” her eyebrows scrunch up just like my Buffy’s does when she’s confused about something. “Optimistic, I guess. So hopefully it won’t be too bad.” Hopefully it won’t ‘cause she’s been through enough as it is. She doesn’t need anymore shit thrown at her. We’re both quiet now, but it isn’t uncomfortable. It’s really weird how we get along so well, and how comfortable we are with each other. She’s almost nothing like my Buffy, but I still understand her. It’s really fuckin weird if ya ask me. But you didn’t so I’ll shut up about it now since she’s talking again. “Have you and Willow gotten any farther with the research?” Hey she’s gotten better. She actually said Red’s name without cringing. That’s progress. She couldn’t do that yesterday.
“No, not really. Red knows a couple spells about sending things to different dimensions but she doesn’t’ have that kinda power anymore. She doesn’t want to risk trying them ‘cause we could end up in some hell dimension and not even have a chance at getting home. Right now I’m looking for a way to send my B a message. She’s probably freaking out right now, and I wanna let her know I’m in a safe place.” Her face falls a little bit and I get why. It’s gotta be painful for her to see me so worried about my wife and kids when her ex doesn’t really give a shit. Well, she cares about the kids. She took Addy out to dinner after the soccer game, and took Joey out for a little while a couple days later. I guess she wants to stay a part of their lives, but she’s made it pretty obvious that she couldn’t care less about Buffy.
“I need to go get ready,” she says and practically runs away. Fuck. I just had to bring it up. I’m not sorry that I’m trying to find a way to talk to my wife, or at least send her a message, but I don’t want to hurt this Buffy. Mostly because that’s a dick thing to do, and partly because if she kicks us out we have no where else to go. You’re probably wondering where Red is. Even if you’re not I’m going to tell you anyway. She tried to do a spell earlier, one that would let her build a portal between this reality and ours, and it wiped her out. She’s outside right now meditating or whatever to try and find her center or some shit like that. She could build a portal by draining some of my energy but we’re saving that as a last resort since it could kill me.
I hear Buffy say bye to the kids, and then I hear the front door open and close. So she’s mad at me, or upset or whatever. She usually tells me when she’s gonna leave. Why do I feel like she? It’s not like she’s my wife and I did anything wrong. I don’t even know these people. Alright, Faith just calm down. You’re just tired that’s all. Why the fuck am I talking to myself in third person? I just need to keep reading to hopefully find a way to talk to B…………I can’t read this shit anymore. My eyes feel like they’re gonna start bleeding. Hmm, the door bell just went off. I wonder who’s at the door? I get up and walk into the living room. I get about halfway to the door when Addy barrels down the fuckin stairs and makes a mad dash for the door. I let her beat me to it since it’s not my house.
“Jeez, you got here fast,” Addy says, and I can just tell she has a big smile on her face. Great, it’s Colin. Colin is her asshole, beefstick boyfriend. I hate him if you couldn’t tell that by now. I guess as soon as B told the kids she was leaving Addy called this prick. I’ve met him a couple times before when I was having the dreams. I can tell just by the look in his eyes that he doesn’t feel anything for her other then lust. I’m pretty sure she’s already fooled around with him, like third base stuff. I don’t think they’ve had sex. I give Colin a little smile as Addy takes him by the hand and leads him into the living room. I close the door and watch as they get settled on the couch. He looks a little nervous, and I guess it’s because of me.
“We’re having Chinese tonight,” I say as Addy turns the TV on. “Let me know when you get hungry. I’ll be right in the dining room.” I make eye contact with Colin and raise an eyebrow. Now he looks really nervous. He knows I’m not the ‘real’ Faith. I guess Addy’s already explained to him about slayers and stuff ‘cause she didn’t hesitate to let him know that I’m not her real mom. I know it shouldn’t have, but it hurt when she said it. Anyway, I got back into the dining room and sit down at the table. I don’t know why this guy pisses me off so much, but he does. Addy isn’t really my daughter but I still see red at the thought of that asshole having his hands on her. I walked in on them making out the other day, and he had his hand under her shirt and he’s fuckin lucky I’m just a human here or I might’ve killed him.
I know this is just what teenagers do. Hell, look at me when I was a teenager. I did way more then just kiss and light petting. I took Xander’s cherry, not that he was complaining or anything. It’s good that Addy has a boyfriend that she can share the slayer stuff with. Emotions can run really high when you deal with life and death all the time, and I’m glad she has someone to comfort her. I just don’t like the thought of her having comfort sex. Or any kind of sex for that matter. And this is just the alternate universe Addy I’m freaking out about. I don’t even want to think about what it’s gonna be like when my Addy is a teenager. Fuck, I’ll be lucky to reach fifty without having a heart attack.
I hear Addy giggle and I roll my eyes. What is it about jockey beefsticks that has girls flocking to them? Ok so I have been with a couple jocks, but it wasn’t that great. My romp in the sheets with Xander was a lot more satisfying and he was a virgin. To be fair I didn’t really enjoy it with the jocks because they were fighting with me for control. They couldn’t just lay back and let me have my way with them. Nooo, they wanted to be on top. Back then sex was more about the control for me, but you probably already guess that by now. Anyway, what is it about jocks that girls love so much? Maybe with Addy it isn’t the jock thing because Colin is her second boy friend. Her first boyfriend was this guy named Shawn. B said she didn’t really like him that much, but he was a good kid.
Buffy’s been gone for about two hours now. I hope everything’s ok. It isn’t safe for me to be walking around at night since I’m not a slayer. That, and it isn’t a good idea because someone could confuse me for the other Faith. Or I could run into the other Faith. That would be all sorts of bad. She could think I’m some weird demon look alike and kill me. Yeah that would be bad. I really don’t wanna die here. I don’t wanna die period, but I know one day it’s gonna happen. But I want it to be at home when I’m really old. After my kids have given me grandkids, and they’ve given me great grandkids. One night I’ll got to bed and snuggle up to Buffy and I won’t wake up. Yeah, that’s how I want it to be.
“I can’t fucking believe her!” I guess B’s home. The door slams and some of the windows shake. Fuck, I can practically feel her anger from here. Ok, so what did my evil twin do that was so bad? “Colin it’s time for you to go home.” I hear Addy start to whine. Wow, she must be thick in the head. Either that or B doesn’t get angry that often, so Addy doesn’t know not to whine. “Don’t you dare start. It’s time for Colin to go home. You can go out on the front porch and say goodbye, but be back in this house in five minutes.” Damn, she sounds really fuckin pissed. Whenever she got mad when I had the dreams she would force herself to be calm in front of the kids. But just now she didn’t hold back. I hear her stomping towards the kitchen, so that’s where I head.
“She’s just so fucking……God, I can’t even think of a word strong enough to describe how frustrating she is.” When I walk into the kitchen I see Buffy standing at the table with a newly opened bottle of tequila in one hand. The other is balled up into a very tight fist. It’s a good thing she keeps her fingernails cut short or she’d probably be bleeding right now. “She cheats on me with some skank half her fucking age, and ignores me for a couple of years, and now she wants to get back together.” She looks into my eyes before she takes a very large gulp of the yellowish liquid. She starts coughing like a lung is trying to come up, but she gets it under control. “No, no, no she doesn’t’ just want to get back together. She wants to ‘reconnect’. Is she on drugs? Did she bump her head really hard on patrol one night and forget about everything she did to me?” She takes another large drink and starts coughing again.
“Maybe she finally realized she’s never going to find anyone better then you,” I say in a soft tone. She glares at me like she wants to gut me or something. Ok, or I could not give my opinion. That would be great too. She throws back another couple of gulps, and the coughing isn’t as bad anymore. Her balance is staring to become an issue but at least it doesn’t sound like she has T.B. She doesn’t say anything else as she silently broods, and drinks. No wonder my Buffy hates it when I do that. I’m dying to know exactly what happened but she isn’t saying a word. And I can see her eyes get more and more glazed over. “Maybe you should lay off that stuff for a while. You’re not a heavy drinker, B. Wouldn’t want ya to puke in your sleep and choke to death.” She wrinkles her eyebrows a little as she looks at me over the bottle.
“Ok, B, that’s enough.” She rolls her eyes and takes another long drink. What a little brat. I know she’s not my wife, but I still don’t want her to die from alcohol poisoning or whatever. “Half a bottle of tequila is enough for you.” I walk around the table so I’m standing next to her. I can smell her perfume and it’s the same kind my Buffy uses. I ignore it though and slowly take the bottle from her hand. Thank God she doesn’t fight me or things could’ve gotten violent. “Come on. Let’s get you upstairs.” Wow, that came out a lot more sexual then I thought it would be. What is wrong with me? “You don’t wanna pass out in here do you?” She slowly shakes her head no. “Ok then, come on. I’ll put you to bed and maybe the hang over won’t be very brutal.” Yeah right. That thing’s gonna be brutal. My B can barely open her eyes after drinking that much tequila and she’s a slayer.
“Gonna fall,” she says in a whispered groan. I barely have time to get prepared for it when she starts to tilt to one side. I reach out as quick as I can and wrap my hands around her waist and pull her towards me. She buries her face in my neck and her entire body is pressed against mine. Man, she’s really fuckin out of it. She’s gonna feel like hell ate her and shit her out when she wakes up in the morning. “You feel so good.” She starts nuzzling my neck with her nose. “Why are you so nice to me? You’re always so nice.” Great, now she gains the ability to talk in full sentences. Before I get a chance to answer her, she pulls her head back and presses her lips against mine. She tastes like the alcohol, but her lips feel so good. Just like my Buffy’s.
“We can’t do this,” I breathe out more then I say. I guess she doesn’t really care though. Her hands wrap around the back of my neck and she kisses me again. This one is a lot rougher then the last. I want to give in because she feels just like my Buffy, but I can’t because she’s not. I push her back and she stumbles a little bit. She doesn’t’ fall though. The room gets really fuckin tense and we just stare at each other for what feels like forever. “You’re drunk, ok? So I’m not gonna get pissed about that. Let’s just get you to your room.” Her eyes glaze over even more, and she starts to lose her balance. I rush forward and grab her right before she falls. Great, and she’s out cold. Well, getting her to bed is going to be really fun. Yep, just like a barrel full of monkeys.
SPOV
I know she’s only been gone for a week, but it feels like she’s been gone longer. I know it sounds completely insane but I’m already starting to forget some thins about her. Just little things that I’ve definitely taken for granted. Like the feel of her breath on the back of my neck when I’m trying to fall asleep. Or the feel of her soft lips on mine as we kiss each other hello when I get home from work. It’s almost crazy how quickly those little kisses became a habit for us. With all of the guys I dated whenever I wanted to give them a little hello or goodbye kiss I always had to remind myself. But with Willow it’s completely different. It’s like an automatic response now. I’m starting to forget what those things feel like and it’s making me so fucking sad. I love her so much, so why am I forgetting things after just a week apart?
Ok, I need to get a grip. She’s lost right now, but I’ll get her back. She just needs me to find her. I’ve been reading these books for almost a week straight and we haven’t found anything. The spell Buffy and I tried backfired big time. We had to lay on the ground together completely naked which was really uncomfortable, and embarrassing, and the fucking thing didn’t even work. Buffy had a very heated argument, well according to her it was heated I didn’t see or hear any of it, with Spike. Meanwhile I got a sneak peak into the life of Bill Bright. I dated him and dumped him my freshmen year of college. And what was ol’ Billy boy up to when I saw him? He was snorting cocaine off a stripper’s ass. I’m so glad I only slept with him four times. But that’s beside the point.
The point is we don’t know shit. The person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with is missing, our baby is getting just a little bigger every day, and I’m a complete mess. I’ve never felt like this before. When my husband died I wanted him back so much, but it wasn’t like this. I wanted him back because I felt so guilty for him dying. If I had just been honest with him about not wanting to get married then he wouldn’t have been driving down that road to come home, and he wouldn’t have been in the accident. I need to get Willow back because I can’t do this without her. This is probably why slayers weren’t supposed to get mixed up with other people. I know it’s what made Buffy the strongest, most capable slayer of her time, but I understand why the original council made up that rule. I’m supposed to be this demon fighting, ass kicking, super hero or whatever, and I can barely function anymore.
I hear someone walk in the room and I look up. It’s just Georgia. I was kind of expecting Dawn to stop by. She’s really good at the research. Georgia is one of the slayers that Giles sent to help out. The other one is Cindy. He also sent Mr. Tinsdale to help with the magical stuff. I can’t help but smile when I see the look on Georgia’s face. This girl has been trying so hard to get Matt’s attention since the minute she walked through the front door. She’s being too subtle though. Thirteen-year-old boys aren’t good at reading between the lines. It’s a little strange that a fifteen-year-old is chasing after a thirteen-year-old if you ask me. But I will admit that Matt does not look thirteen. And because of everything he’s been through he doesn’t act like a normal thirteen-year-old boy.
Georgia is really mad right now because Matt’s girlfriend is here. The two are hanging out in the backyard. Buffy absolutely hates this girl. Matt is her son and she doesn’t want anyone else to love him. At least that’s what she said when she thought she was alone. It’s not like I was spying on her or anything. I walked into the kitchen for some water as she said it. Anyway, Ashley doesn’t seem so bad. I’m sure there are a lot of boys at their school who want to date her. Watching all of this drama is putting me in a better mood. It’s taking my mind off all of the stress that I’m under which is nice. That little freak out I had in Buffy’s arms last night is proof of how much we need to get Willow and Faith back. The only reason I’m so calm right now is because I’m forcing myself to be. If I get too stressed out I could miscarry and that would be horrible.
“Who does that little hoochie think she is?” Buffy grumbles as she walks into the room. And here we go. “Matthew is only thirteen. She needs to find a boy her own age to date.” She sits down in her spot in the recliner and picks up the book she’s been reading. I try really hard not to smile. I’m not really smiling because of Buffy. Seeing her acting like this kind of reminds me of Willow. I know my little gingersnap is going to be just like this when our baby is a teenager and dates someone for the first time. This kid’s sexual organs haven’t even developed yet and he or she isn’t going to be dating until they’re eighteen. At least that’s what Willow said. She also said that slayer or not our child isn’t going to be participating in the vampire slaying or demon hunting. We’ll have to wait and see about that one though.
“Oh come on, Buffy,” Cindy says in her light British accent. “It’s just puppy love. It’s very innocent, and sweet.” She has this little smile on her face, and this far off look in her eyes, and it’s obvious she’s talking about herself. “Everything is brand new and exciting.” Ok, I guess her very first boyfriend was a good one. Mine was nothing like that. “Besides in a couple of years he’ll be sixteen and that’s when you really need to start worrying. Right Georgia?” I’m not the only one who knows Georgia has a crush on Matt. Georgia blushes but she doesn’t say anything. Poor girl. Cindy is always teasing her. Well, that’s what best friends are for I guess. So far these two have been very…professional, but sometimes they bicker like kids. Which is perfectly normal since they’re only fifteen and seventeen. And I guess the fact that Georgia likes Matt is news to Buffy because she looks very surprised and slightly confused.
“You ok over there Buffy?” I ask and sound oh so innocent. I’m really at that. She just nods her head and starts reading the large leather book. I would keep reading mine but I can’t focus right now. I’ve read so much today already I think my head is going to implode. And the baby must be getting hungry because my stomach is starting to hurt. “I’m going to make some lunch. Georgia, you wanna help out with that?” She nods her head and stands up. Might as well save her from Cindy’s teasing. We got into the kitchen and I start pulling out all of the stuff I’m going to need from the fridge. I look over at Georgia and she’s staring out one of the windows. She has a glare on her face so she’s probably looking at Matt and Ashley. Ah, to be young and in love. Too bad she likes a boy that’s already taken.
“You know,” I say and start putting some mayonnaise on the bread. “We’re going to get Willow and Faith back, and when we do your job here will be done and you’ll have to go back to Cleveland.” I’m not trying to be mean but maybe if she looks at the reality of the situation then things won’t be so hard for her. Then again she’s a fifteen-year-old who has a crush on a cute boy. There is no reality for her. She sighs a little bit and starts putting the turkey on the bread. I’ve known Georgia for a few years now. Her older sister, Betty, is a slayer too. Both of these girls are like sister to me. That’s why seeing her hurting over Matt is cute, but hard at the same time.
“You’re right,” she says and puts the sliced tomatoes on top of the turkey. “But I’m coming back in about a month or something like that. I was picked to be one of the girls who gets to come down here and be trained by Faith.” Oh right. I forgot all about that. Faith has like this slayer outreach program or whatever you wanna call it. Basically a few of the girls who are struggling the most are going to live here in Lincoln during the school year and Faith is going to help them. Georgia is a good slayer, and she’s great at the research, but she’s had a hard time dealing with the move to the school. “I know he’s seeing someone else.” She pauses to look out the window and glare at Ashley. “But……I don’t know. There’s just something about him that’s different from all the other guys I’ve met.” I smile a little bit, and stop what I’m doing to look at her.
“Georgia, he’s only thirteen. I know he seems really different but that’s because he’s a slayer. He’s had to grow up a little faster then most people his age, just like you had to. But he’s still only thirteen. He’s not going to be able to give you what you need in a relationship.” Great, she looks so sad now. I didn’t mean to do that. Maybe I’m not so good at this big sister thing. I’ve never been a big sister before. I put a hopefully comforting hand on her shoulder, and wait until she’s looking into my eyes. “One day you’re going to find a great guy who’s going to treat you how you deserve to be treated. And who knows maybe it will be Matt. But right now he’s definitely not that guy. He just isn’t old enough yet.” She sighs and goes back to making the sandwiches.
“That’s a little hypocritical, don’t you think?” Ok what the hell is she talking about? I wasn’t being a hypocrite. “Willow is eight years older then you, but you two are still together. Shouldn’t she be trying to find someone her own age who’s mature enough to give her what she needs.” She’s only fifteen, and that fact is the only thing that’s stopping me from smacking her right now. The last thing I need right now is Giles pissed off at me. “Matt’s only two years younger then me. If you were my age then Willow would be twenty-three. You two dating would be illegal.” I hold my breath and try to count to ten, but I’m way too pissed to remember my numbers.
“It’s completely different. Willow and I are emotionally the same. We’ve both been through more then you can imagine. We’re perfect for each other even if we are eight years apart.” Ok so I didn’t yell at her or cuss or get violent so I’d say that was a success. She finishes the last sandwich and drops it onto the plate. The worst part about living in Ohio was dealing with over emotional, hormone driven teenage outbursts just like this. It wouldn’t be so bad but she’s saying a lot of things that my mother said when I told them I’m dating Willow. I’m sure if Willow was a man she wouldn’t have any problem with the age difference. But since Willow is a woman suddenly the fact that we’re almost a decade apart is perverted and wrong.
“Why, because Kennedy left her, and she went all crazy. And because your husband died and you shut everyone out? Is that why you’re perfect for each other?” Fuck this shit. I turn and slap her across the face. A red mark instantly appears but I don’t care. She opens her mouth to say something else, but before she gets a word out I grab her by the throat. I know I’m probably going to get in trouble for this but right now I couldn’t care less. I push her back until I have her pinned against the wall. There’s a lot of fear in her big blue eyes, but there’s anger too. The slayer inside of her is probably screaming for her to hit me back.
“You’re only fifteen so there’s a lot you don’t know about people in general. But don’t’ you ever talk about my husband to me ever again. Do you understand me?” I don’t think I’ve ever sounded this pissed off before in my entire life. Anyway, she nods her head and her eyes get really wide when I tighten my grip on her throat. “And don’t’ ever bring up Kennedy again. You got that?” She nods her head really fast and I let go. She starts coughing an trying to take in deep breaths. I know Willow loves me, but I get jealous. Kennedy is the woman Willow wanted to marry, and have children with. I know it’s my old engagement ring on Willow’s finger, and our baby growing in my womb, but I think that jealousy is always going to be there. At least I can blame it on hormones. That’s a plus.
“I’ll go tell everyone lunch is ready,” she says and leaves the room. It’s a good thing she did ‘cause I really need to hit someone. Maybe Buffy will spar with me later. I know I’m pregnant but Buffy knows how to hold back. She and Faith used to spar all the time when Faith was pregnant with Addison. At least that’s what Faith told me. Then again she wiggled her eyebrows after she said it so she was probably using it as code for sex. Yeah, now that I’m thinking about it she definitely used it as an innuendo. Matt was in the room when we were talking about how different things are going to be now that I’m pregnant. That’s also the same day Willow was wearing this green shirt that showed more cleavage then she normally shows. It drove me crazy all day until we got home. God I miss her so much. I think I’m going crazy. I really need her back because I can’t live without her. I definitely can’t raise our baby without her. After lunch I’m going to really buckle down and find a way to get her back.
