Chapter 72: Struggling (part one)
Four Days Later. MPOV
Sometimes I really hate being a slayer. I hate that my and I hate that demons are after us all the time. This isn’t the first time someone in my family has been sucked into some other dimension. When Addison was a baby Mom took her for a walk and a demon attacked them. They were only eight blocks away from our house! It doesn’t matter if they want to retire and not be active slayers anymore. Demons and vampires are going to be after them all the time because they’re the originals. And they’re going to be after us because we’re their kids. Addison has it worst then me and Joey because she’s a girl. I heard what aunt Willow said about her when she was having those dreams. She’s the true essence of the slayer. Kill Addison and all the girls that became slayers during The Great Battle turn back into normal girls. We’re lucky the demons haven’t figured that out yet.
“Brother will you play horses with me?” Addison asks in that whiney voice that nobody likes. I hate that she wants to be around me all the time. It gets really annoying. It’s not like Joey won’t play with her. He just won’t let her boss him around. I can’t play with her right now anyway. I’m trying to make dinner. Mom told me to order a pizza but we’ve had pizza every night for the last five days. Everyone is getting sick of pizza. “Brother I asked you a question.” God, she has a bad fuckin attitude. Sometimes I think my moms should spank her when she gets like this. It’s like she thinks she’s the most important person on the planet or something and everyone should just drop what they’re doing to pay attention to her. I ignore her and keep looking for the big pot under the cupboard. “Brother, I’m talking to you!” I feel a sharp pain on the back of my leg, and I jump a little. I hit the back of my head on the top of the cupboard and wince. That little bitch just kicked me.
“Addison I’m busy right now, go away!” I yell, and turn around. She has her hands on her hips and she’s tapping one of her toes on the floor. She looks just like Mom whenever I get in trouble. Ok, so that look is genetic. “Do you want dinner or not?” She thinks about it for a couple seconds and then she nods her head a little. She doesn’t look as mad now, but I can tell she’s still irritated. I can’t really blame her too much. All Mom’s been doing for the last week is research, so Addison isn’t getting any attention. “Well then leave me alone so I can make some dinner.” She sighs one of those dramatic sighs she always does when she doesn’t get her way, and she leaves. She’s probably going to bother Mom now but that’s not my fault. It’s not like I can control what Addison does, anymore then my moms can.
Ah, here’s the big pot, all the way in the back. Yeah, that’s a really sane place to put it. I love my mom but sometimes she does some pretty stupid stuff. Like when she had Joey and went all insane and ran off for a couple days. I forgave her or whatever, but I still think it’s stupid. She should have said something, talked to someone. She didn’t have to keep all of that bottled in, and then take off. But whatever, I’m over it. Anyway, getting back to making dinner. According to the box I need: six cups of water, four table spoons of butter, and one-fourth cup of milk. Then it says: step one, boil water, stir in noodles, boil seven to eight minutes or until noodles are tender, stirring occasionally. Step two, drain do not rinse, return to pan. Step three, add four table spoons butter, milk and cheese sauce mix, mix well. Ok, that doesn’t sound too hard.
“Hey, little man, whatcha doing?” I hear someone say behind me. I turn around and see Georgia walk into the room. Mom called Giles and asked him to send some people to help research Mama and Willow’s disappearance, so he sent two slayers and the guy who runs the magic stuff at the slayer school. Cindy, the other slayer, is ok. She minds her own business, and she takes the slaying stuff seriously. She’s really smart, and kinda funny, and I’m not gonna lie she’s really fuckin hot. I don’t really like Georgia. Ok, I hate Georgia. She treats me like I’m five, and she thinks I don’t know anything about slaying or magic or any of the other stuff they deal with at the school. But she’s here to help so I put up with her when I have to. “I thought your mom told you to order pizza? Aren’t you a little young to be using the stove by yourself?” See what I mean about her treating me like I’m five?
“I use the stove all the time. I’m sick of pizza. I want something else. Besides all of that greasey cheese is giving Joey diarrhea.” It’s not, but I figure if I gross her out enough she’ll go away and I won’t have to talk to her. She just gives me a weird look, and I go back to doing what I was doing. I can feel her eyes on me though, and I don’t like that feeling. It’s making my skin get goosebumps. I don’t get why she treats me like a kid, she’s only two years older then I am. Yeah, she’s fifteen, and Grampa Giles sent her to help find my other mom. She’s gotta be smart or he wouldn’t have sent her, but she’s still so annoying. I get the measuring cup and pour in six cups of water, and put it on the stove. God, and she is still staring at me. “Do you want something or are you just wanna stare at me all night?”
“Well I was gonna ask you something but nevermind. Just forget it. I’ll leave you alone since you’re so busy.” She’s an even big smart ass then Addison. I didn’t think that was possible for anyone to big a bigger smart ass then my sister. “I know your mom is missing and you’re freaked, but you don’t have to be such an ass all the time.” She sounds really pissed off. Like she just found out I kicked her puppy or something. She stomps out of the room and goes back into the living room. That’s where Mom moved the research party since theirs more room to spread out. And since when is this my fucking fault? She’s the one who’s been a bitch to me since she got here. Why do girls have to be so weird all the time? It’s like there’s reality, and then what they think is reality, and the two never match up, and it’s always someone else’s fault that they sound crazy. It’s not just Georgia, either. Half the time I don’t even know what my girlfriend is talking about.
Anyway, when the noodles are tender I drain the water just like the box says, and I mix in all of the other stuff. I’m surprised I didn’t burn the kitchen down. I use the stove all the time, but I never said I was any good at it. My moms are trying to teach me to cook ‘cause that’s something everyone should know how to do, but I don’t really care. Now I kinda wish I had paid more attention. But it doesn’t really matter. This is the only thing I’m actually cooking. Everything else is just leftovers that I’m going to heat up. It might not be much but at least it isn’t pizza. I’m so fuckin sick of pizza. I never thought I’d ever be sick of pizza but I just can’t force myself to eat anymore. I hear someone walk in the room and I sigh. It’s not my mom because I can hear her talking in the other room. I know it’s not Addison or Joey or they would be talking to me by now.
“Making dinner, huh? I thought your mom said to just order a pizza?” Cindy asks. I turn around and she’s standing in the doorway. She smiles this little half smile, and I just smile back. I don’t know what to say to her, so I might as well be quiet. I don’t want to make an ass out of myself. “It’s very mature of you to take care of your siblings while all of this is going on.” I just shrug and turn the burner off since it’s done. I walk across the kitchen and get a large bowl from the cupboard. “Everyone expects the slayers to be so grown-up, but most of them just want to be kids, and act their age. They don’t really want the responsibility, and they let everyone know it. But you take everything in stride.” What is she my publicist or something?
“My mom’s too busy trying to figure all of this out, and someone has to take care of things until she does.” I don’t know why she’s saying all of this. She doesn’t even know me. For all she knows I hate having to do all of this shit, and I want something bad to happen to my parents. I don’t, but she doesn’t know that. I put the Mac n’ Cheese in the bowl and dig through the fridge. I grab the left over chicken and stick it in the microwave. Cindy walks into the room and leans against the table. I guess she has more to say. I wish people would just say what they wanna say and stop staring at me. I hate the feeling of their eyes on me. It’s different with her then it was with Georgia. Her stare was more…intense, I guess. I don’t really know how to describe Cindy’s, but it’s definitely different.
“We could use someone like you at the school.” Oh, so that’s what she wants. Did Grampa Giles put her up to this or something? He’s been trying to get me to go to the school ever since I killed that demon. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave all my friends to live in Ohio. I don’t really remember Ohio too much ‘cause the last time I was there I was like five or something, but I remember that I didn’t like it a whole lot. Plus it’s a hellmouth, and Mom says that weird stuff happens on hellmouths all the time, and that’s why we don’t go there a lot. “I’ve read your file.” I have a file? “And if I’m not mistaken you’re the strongest slayer in the entire world. Someone with your kind of power should be in an environment where they can grow, and hone their skills. And you would get your own bedroom, probably your own floor. I highly doubt Mr. Giles will let a teenage boy share a room with some of the teenage girls.”
“I have my own room here.” I don’t sound mad or anything, even though I kinda am. I just wanna make dinner, why can’t they just leave me alone and let me make dinner? “Giles already told me all of this, and I don’t want to go. I’m not gonna pack up and leave my home to learn things that I can learn here. My moms are the original slayers. I thought everyone would be calling me lucky that they’re my moms.” She sighs a little bit and sits down. I really don’t want to talk about this right now. If my mom found out she was telling me this she’d probably kick her out. She was pissed at Grampa Giles for going to Mama first about me going to the school. Anyway, before she can say anything the microwave beeps and I take the chicken out. Now I just need to fix the carrots and it’ll be ready. Ok, so I guess I do have to use the stove again, but whatever. It’s not like it matters.
“You are very lucky, but lets be realistic about this. Your mums are always going to see you as their baby boy. That’s just how parents are. They may let you patrol when you’re older, but if things get a little too rough for their liking they’ll jump in and save you. How are you ever going to learn, and live up to your full potential if your mums interfere all the time?” Hmmm, I guess she does have a point. They do baby me all the time, the training isn’t that much of a challenge, and they freaked out when I killed that demon that kidnapped Mom. “I’m not trying to convince you to leave. Your life is here, and I understand that. Just think about it, ok?” She smiles at me again, and I nod my head. She has a really nice smile, and perfect teeth. I wonder if she ever had braces. “I’ll let you get back to your dinner.” She stands up and leaves, and I can’t help but check out her ass as she walks away. I think she’s hot, so sue me.
I don’t know what I want to do. I think it would be kinda cool to go to Cleveland and live at the slayer school. I wanted to go when I was ten and killed that demon, but I knew my moms wouldn’t like that. But I’m older now, and I guess it would be like going off to college or something. I’d come back during the breaks, and summer so it’s not like they’ll never see me. But I don’t think they’ll let me, and it is up to them. If they say no it’s not like I can run away. That’s completely retarded, and Sky will be able to find me in a heartbeat, and I know my grampa will call my mom and tell her I’m there. I don’t know. It’s not like the have any other slayers that are as strong as I am. What I need to worry about right now is feeding my little brother and sister and giving them a bath so they can go to bed. So I’ll just forget about all this other shit and think about that……for now at least.
BPOV
She’s been gone for a week. A whole fucking week. I can’t believe this. We still haven’t found anything, the spell Sky and I did didn’t work, and this is complete and udder bullshit. I can’t do this without her. We’ve been together for so long that I don’t know what it’s like to live without her. I can’t raise our babies by myself, and I definitely can’t move on. She’s still alive. I know she is. I can feel it. Call it intuition or whatever, but I know she’s alive. She’s still out there somewhere in some other dimension or something. I just need to find her. I need to save her from whatever hell dimension she’s in. She has to be in a hell dimension. Why else would it be so hard to find her? The answer is in one of these books that Giles sent me along with a team of people who are going to help with the research.
I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night and it’s making the research so much harder. Not that I’ve slept well since Faith left anyway. I had finally fallen asleep, and then I was woken up by the sound of Addison screaming. She had a nightmare about Faith. At first I panicked and thought that maybe it was a slayer dream because all Addison could say was that she saw her mama die. But then she told me that Faith was eaten by giant chocolate rabbits. It is slightly possible that Faith and Willow were taken to a dimension where there are giant man eating chocolate rabbits, but I think it has more to do with the fact that Addison has a phobia of chocolate rabbits. Apparently some kid in her class told her that the chocolate rabbits were once real rabbits that someone killed, gutted and coated with a thick layer of chocolate. I know, it’s very fucked up. And thanks to that little story I’ll never be able to look at a chocolate rabbit the same. Easter is now forever tainted.
“There’s got to be a way to communicate with them,” I say and look around the room. There are two other slayers here from the school, Cindy Walker, and Georgia Serra. Apparently they’re both big brains and they’re willing to help me out. I also have the head of the magical department, Chris Tinsdale, here helping out. I’ve never worked with him before, but I know Faith has. Remember when Addison was having those visions of the slayers being murdered, and then Faith went to Ohio? Well she met him then. He’s been working at the school since it was set up, but Willow was in charge of hiring the magical help. I’ve met him before, and there’s nothing about him that gives me the wiggins, but I’ve just never worked with him. I’ve been in semi-retirement since the collapse of Sunnydale. Or ‘The Great Battle’ as everyone likes to call it. Sky is here too and she looks just how I feel: absolutely exhausted.
“I need to take a break,” Cindy Walker says, in her very light English accent. “Figuring out Latin always gives me a demon of a headache.” Demons? Ok, I’m definitely forming a thought here, but what is it? Ok, Buffy don’t force it or it’ll just go away. Let’s see, demons, what about demons can be useful to me right now? Well, I could definitely work off some aggression. But I don’t think that’s it. This is completely useless! There’s nothing in these books that are going to help me get Faith back! I need to find another way. This one isn’t working. It’s not like we have Willow here to set up a portal between this dimension and wherever Faith is. Cindy’s right, I think we just need to take a break. Refresh our brains, and maybe we’ll be able to come up with something in a little bit.
“You guys should take a break. There’s plenty of food in the kitchen if anyone’s hungry.” Everyone sighs in relief except for Sky and me. The other slayers get up and wander into the kitchen, but Chris heads to the bathroom. I glance over at Sky and she’s still reading. She didn’t even look up when I said they should take a break. That little statement was aimed at her too. She’s pregnant with my best friend’s baby, which makes her partly my responsibility. If anything happens to her while they’re gone I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I’ve been doing this a lot longer then Sky has. I’m used to staying up for a two days at a time reading and trying to find a solution to whatever problem we’re facing. “Sky, I think you should take a break too.” She’s either ignoring me or she didn’t hear me. I think I’ll go with the first one. “Sky, did you hear me? I said you should take a break.” My voice is a little louder and she definitely heard me that time.
“I can’t take a break right now, Buffy,” she sounds so tired. She’s been sleeping over here a lot and our couch isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world. When she does sleep it isn’t very restful, and all of this stress isn’t good for her or the baby. “Willow’s still missing, we have no fucking clue where she is, and I’m not giving up until I find her.” Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Sky use the ‘f’ word before. I’ve heard her say plenty of other things but never that. I try to say something else, but I can tell by the look on her face that I’ve pushed her a little too far. “I’m not raising this baby alone!” Her face is turning really red, and her hands are shaking a little bit. Now I’ve seen Sky break down before, but I’ve never seen her act like this.
“I can’t do this by myself,” her voice is still loud, but she isn’t yelling anymore. “I need Willow. I can’t do this without her.” She starts crying, sobbing harder then I’ve never seen her sob before. I finally see her for what she is. Right now she isn’t a slayer. She isn’t this all powerful being that’s meant to protect humanity. She’s a lonely, desperate woman who’s terrified that she’ll never see her lover again. Maybe I shouldn’t have spoken so harshly to her. But I’m scared too. I know the first pregnancy is always the scariest but does anyone honestly think I can raise a teenager, a kindergartener, and a toddler by myself? But right now this isn’t about me, and I shouldn’t try to make it that. I stand up from my chair and walk over to her. I sit down next to her on the couch, and wrap my arms around her. She doesn’t hesitate before she squeezes back, and buries her face in my neck.
“Buffy, I’m scared,” she breathes out between body shaking sobs. I gently stroke her hair, and rub her back, kind of like I do to the kids when they’re upset. What? I’m a mom I can’t help it. It’s natural instinct to act this way. “I don’t want to be alone. I can’t…raise this baby…by myself.” I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be her right now. She is wrong though. She isn’t alone. I know it’s going to sound a little corny but she has us. She has Dawn, and Giles, and me, and all of the women she’s befriended at the slayer school. Her idiot parents may not want her because she’s gay, and carrying Willow’s child, but that doesn’t mean she’s alone. I wait until she starts to calm down a little before I voice that. I want her to be able to hear me over her sobs without having to yell in her ear.
“Sky, listen to me.” I wait a couple of seconds until she makes herself calm down a little more. “You are not alone. Willow is out there somewhere, and we’re going to get her back. But under the extremely and very unlikely circumstances that we don’t, I promise you’re not going to be alone. Dawn and I will be here to help you with your baby. And I know over half of the slayers at the school could come down here anyway they could to help you out. You’re a very loved woman, and I promise there’s no way you’re going to be alone.” She starts crying even harder, her entire body is shaking, and I pull her a little closer to me. She really needs to contact right now. I don’t know how I know, I just do. I have tears welling up in my eyes but I don’t let them fall. I can’t have a melt down right now. If I have a melt down, then it’ll be like I’m giving up hope, and I can’t do that.
I don’t know how long it takes Sky to calm down, but when I finally realize that her sobs have stopped I also notice that she’s fast asleep. I don’t want her to sleep on the couch again. N one should have to sleep on that more then one night a week, and she’s done it for the passed couple of days. I very carefully untangle her from my body and set her down on the couch. I stand up and stretch a little bit and pop my aching neck. I slowly pick her up and cradle her like a child. She’s just so fragile right now that my maternal instinct to protect and comfort is kicking in. I walk up the stairs and she wiggle around a little but she doesn’t wake up. I push my bedroom door open with y foot and set her down on the bed. Then I grab the Afghan and cover her up. So if she’s shaking up in here, then where am I going to sleep?
I really don’t want to sleep on the couch, because like I said before it’s uncomfortable to sleep on. Wait, why is Addison’s light still on? Bedtime was hours ago. It doesn’t really surprise me though. So she’s been acting out. I’ve been really busy with the research and y kids have been a little ignored. Ok, a lot ignored. Matthew actually cooked dinner tonight because he was tired of pizza. It wasn’t a gourmet meal or anything, but still enough to impress me. Faith and I are trying to teach him because it’s a skill everyone should have, but he isn’t very interested. Anyway, back to my original thought; why is Addison’s light still on? I quietly walk over and press my ear against the door. I don’t hear anything, but that doesn’t mean she’s asleep. I open up the door very slowly and what I see breaks my heart. She’s awake alright, and she’s sitting up in her bed. She’s clutching the book Green Eggs and Ham to her chest, and there are tears in her eyes.
“Hey angel girl,” I say softly. My voice still scares her, and she jumps a little. The tears roll slowly down her cheeks and her bottom lip starts to quiver. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Although I don’t really think she’s crying a little because I startled her. Especially with the way she’s holding that book tighter. Faith used to always read her Green Eggs and Ham. It’s always been Addison’s favorite, even when she was a baby. I walk into the room and shut the door. I sit down on the edge of her bed but she doesn’t move. “You miss Mama?” Stupid question I know. She nods her head yes and wipes the tears off her face. “Do you want me to read your book?” She shakes her head no. Ok, now what do I do? “Tell ya what, how about I sleep in here with you tonight?” She thinks about it for a few seconds then nods her head yes.
“Ok. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere, ok?” I smile a little but she didn’t think it was funny. She’s upset and not thinking clearly, that’s all. Anyway, I stand up and leave the room. I shut the door behind me and lean against it. I feel so fucking guilty right now. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to find my wife, and trying not to have a breakdown that I completely ignored our babies. I should’ve known they were going to take this even harder then me because they’re little and they don’t really understand what’s happening. I think maybe tomorrow I’ll leave the research up to Chris and the other slayers. I’ll take Joseph to the park and spend the morning with him. Then I’ll come back and pick up Matthew and Addison when they get out of school and we’ll go somewhere for the day. I need to spend time with them before they think I don’t care about them. Hell, they probably already do.
Anyway, I go into my bedroom and very quietly change into my pajamas. Well, they’re not really pajamas. Boxers and one of Faith’s baggy night shirts. After I did the laundry the other day I sprayed some of Faith’s perfume on her night shirts so they’ll smell a little like her. I know that probably sounds insane but I don’t care. But maybe I shouldn’t wear this to bed tonight. I don’t want to upset Addison, and she knows what Faith’s perfume smells like. She gets it special ordered from a store in California. No one else around here wears this type of perfume, and it’s very distinctive. So I shouldn’t wear it. Addison is upset enough as it is. So I take off the shirt and put on one of my own. It feels strange not wearing one of Faith’s. I’m so used to doing it that it feels wrong not to.
I don’t think I can do this much longer. I know I’m supposed to be a tough slayer but this is totally different. We have no idea what happened to them and all this waiting around is driving me crazy. This is worst then when Glory was after Dawn, at least then we knew someone was trying to kill her. But right now I can’t think about it. I have to be here one hundred percent for my baby girl, so I’ll just have to lock all these other thoughts away for tonight. So I very quietly leave the room and walk down the hall. The light is still on so she’s probably still awake. She’s really good about turning her light off. Addison needs almost pitch blackness to sleep. Faith is the same way. When I open the door I see Addison sitting in the exact same spot she was in when I left. I feel so bad for her. She may not get as much attention from us as before because she’s in school most of the day, but it’s always been more then what she’s been getting.
“Hey angel girl,” I say with a small smile. She isn’t startled this time, which is good I guess. She doesn’t say anything though, which is a little concerning. This is the kid that never shuts up, and now that she’s quiet I just want to hear her voice. I walk in the room and shut the door. I sit down on the edge of her bed, and she tightens the grip on her book. She knows what’s coming and I feel really bad about it. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry but you can’t sleep with the book. The corners might hurt you.” I reach over and gently take it away from her. She doesn’t fight me on it though. Ok, now I’m scared. Since when does Addison not fight me on something? What am I supposed to do? “Sweetheart, you know you can tell me anything right?” She nods her head a little, and I give her a small smile. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” She thinks about it for a few seconds, but then she shakes her head no.
“Ok. Let’s get some sleep, alright?” She nods her head a little bit. I pull back the covers and she scoots over to make some more room for me. I get up and turn out the light. I wait for my eyes to adjust before I move. I see her lying under the covers, waiting for me, and cuddling with her teddy bear. I don’t think she’s ever looked so small. Sure she used to be a tiny baby, but she has such a big personality that it made up for it, you know? I crawl into bed and cover myself up. I wrap an arm around her and hold her close to me. It feels good having her in my arms. There’s almost nothing better then cuddling with your kids, especially when they’re snuggling in close to feel safe. “Goodnight, sweetheart, I love you.” I feel her snuggle even closer to me, and her face is pressed up against my neck. She takes in a deep breath, and I know she did it on purpose to breathe in my scent.
“Goodnight Mommy. I love you,” she whispers very softly. If I didn’t have slayer hearing I probably wouldn’t have heard her. I smile a little, and gently rub her back. I force myself to stay awake and just hold her, and rub her back. She’s definitely just like Faith. Rubbing her back is a guaranteed way to put her to sleep. My smile gets a little bigger when I hear her breathing deepen, and she goes completely limp in my arms. I don’t know what it is about holding one of your kids while they fall asleep that’s so great. I used to do it all the time with Joseph but he really does need to sleep in his own bed. But for tonight I get to be a little selfish and have this moment with my kid, and I don’t have to think about anything bad. Thank God for my kids, or I’d probably be completely insane by now.
