Chapter 71: Making Things Better

Three Days Later. BPOV

It’s been three days. Three fucking days and there’s been no contact from Willow or Faith. I’m trying to stay calm and deal with this as if it were just another demon crisis but it’s so hard. They could be anywhere and it’s so scary to think about. They could be in some hell dimension being tortured and they could come back like wild animals, like Angel did. Only they might not get better. They would be a danger to everyone around them, and I don’t want to think about what I’d have to do if that happens. I really, really, don’t want to think about that. The other thing that I’m really freaking out about is what could happen if Faith is in a really good place. What if we rip her out of that and she hates me for it? She could be like I was when I was brought back from the dead. I don’t want that to happen either.

“Here, Buffy, I think I found something,” Dawn says and sets a book down in front of me. I look at the pages but they’re in some weird language that I don’t understand. That or I’ve been reading so long that even English looks like something freaky. “It’s Italian so don’t try to make it out or you’ll give yourself a headache.” Ok. Since when did she get so bossy? “I’m not sure exactly how it works, or if it’ll even cross over the dimensional wall, but it’s a spell to communicate with a lost lover. It’s a long shot but beggars can’t be choosers.” She’s right. I give her a little smile, and before I can ask she starts talking. “We have to wait until nightfall, and you have to be nude, and there are a few ingredients we need but they’re pretty basic so Willow might have them at her place.”

“Write them down and I’ll see,” Sky says. I look over at her and she has this lost look in her eyes. I completely understand it because that’s exactly how I feel. She’s not the only one missing her lover and she’s portably just as anxious to do the spell as I am. Dawn writes down the list of stuff and hands it to Sky. “I’ll have to buy some fleabane, but other then that we have everything else. Does it say anything about two people doing the spell at the same time to contact two people?” Dawn takes the book back and starts reading some more. She reads the second page, and then reads it again. Her eyebrows are crinkled a little and it’s kind of cute seeing her so grown up. She reads the page a third time then flips it over to the next page and she blushes a very deep blush.

“Yes it does,” she says and flips back to the first two pages. “It says that the two people have to take on a lover’s embrace.” She slides the book across the table so it’s in front of me. “A picture is on the next page.” I turn the page and what I see makes me blush a little. It’s a drawing of two women facing each other. They’re both completely naked, and they have their arms wrapped around each other. Their breasts are pressed together, and they both have a thigh in between each other’s legs. “You have to lie like that under the night sky, while I pour a circle of salt around you. Then I have to sprinkle the mixed up ingredients on your bodies, and burn the incents while I chant the words. Then you should go into a trance and be linked to Willow and Faith. You should be able to talk to them. If you do connect with them.” I slide the book over to Sky and then look into Dawn’s eyes.

“So it could link us with our ex’s or something?” I ask and she nods her head a little. “Well that would totally suck.” Sky sighs and closes the book. I can tell by looking at it that she dog eared the page. Uh-oh. “Giles is going to kill you. You never bend a page in one of Giles’ books. Those things are like extensions of himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get a call from him asking if I did anything to his book because he had a nightmare that something bad happened.” Dawn giggles a little it and I can’t help but laugh a little too. Sky just rolls her eyes and stands up from her spot at the table. “So are we going to try the embrace thingy, or no?” A little blush creeps up onto her cheeks and I guess the reason she wanted to leave now was to avoid the subject. “It would save time, and if it works then we’d both know that they’re ok.”

“Yeah, ok. That’s, um, ok. So we’ll do it tonight then.” Wow she sounds really nervous. She picks up the list of stuff and shoves it in her pocket. I don’t blame her for being nervous, I’m nervous too, and it sucks. I know there’s no underlying sexual tension between us. Yes I’ve admitted that Sky is attractive, but I don’t want to have sex with her. I think it’s going to be very awkward because we don’t know each other that well. Doing a spell like this takes a lot of trust and even though I do trust Sky there’s a little bit of uncertainty. Plus my sister is going to be watching. Wait, why is Dawn going to be watching? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure watching your older sister get naked, and go into a lover’s embrace with someone is illegal, and immoral. I look over at her and I can tell she’s avoiding me. She’s flipping through another book and her shoulders are tense and her neck is turning a little red.

“So what time are we going to start the spell?” If it’s at night then the boys are going to be sleeping over here. Or maybe Emma can stay over at Dawn’s place tonight. I have a feeling that this spell needs to be done at like midnight or something. Magic stuff like this usually needs to be done at some ungodly hour. I watch as she opens the book and flips it to the dog eared page. I wonder how many little arguments Sky and Willow have gotten into because of that. Probably a lot. Anyway, Dawn skims the page and closes the book again. I guess she doesn’t want to look at the picture again.

“It doesn’t say a specific time. It just says ‘under a night sky’. I don’t know how long the spell is going to last so whatever you need to tell Faith needs to be said quickly or you might not get to say it all.” Ok, good. Then Matthew can go over to Dawn’s and watch the boys until the spell is done. “Can I use your phone really quick?” I nod my head and she gets up and goes into the kitchen. I try really hard not to listen in on the conversation but I’m her big sister so it’s my job to listen in on her phone calls. “Hey, it’s me.” I wonder who she’s talking to. “I’m sorry but I can’t make it tonight. Something came up and I have to help my sister.” She’s not giving out details so whoever she’s talking to most likely doesn’t know about magic being real. “I’ll call you tomorrow and maybe we can set something up.” She sounds very hopeful. “Ok, so I’ll talk to you then…….Ok, bye.” She hangs up and comes back into the room and acts like I didn’t just hear everything.

“So who were you talking to?” I ask and I try not to sound too curious but by the look she’s giving me I know she knows that I’m dieing to know. Did that make any sense? ‘Cause I don’t think it did. She opens up another book to some random page and starts skimming. Oh my God, she just cancelled a date, didn’t she? Oh, poor baby, look at her now she’s all pouty. I close my book and she looks up with a ‘what the hell?’ look on her face. “So who is he? Come on, Dawnie, tell me all about him.” She gets a little smile on her face, and she slams her book closed. She shoves it aside, and all of sudden it’s like we’re two teenage girls.

“His name is Eric. He’s this totally cute guy who delivers the materials.” So, I take it he looks good in a uniform. “I was out in the lobby hanging out with Emily on our break and he walked over and started talking to us. He was checking me out a lot, and we were flirting almost nonstop so before he had to leave I asked him for his number. We were going to go to dinner and see a movie.” Classic. “I was going to ask you to watch the boys for me, but you need help right now.” Wait, she wanted the boys out of the house? There’s only one reason, that I can think of, why she would want the boys out of the house. Have they been on a date before? I really hope my sister isn’t the type to give it up on the first date.

“And don’t give me that look, ok?” Look? What look? “I like Eric, we get along and he’s really cute but I don’t see a relationship with him in my future.” Ok, so then why did she ask him out? “Please tell me you’re not that dense.” I give her a ‘please explain’ type of look and she sighs. “It’s been three years since anyone has touched me. I just want one night of fun with a cute guy.” Yeah, but she’s talking about having a little too much fun. “Buffy, don’t judge me, ok? I just need some sex.” Ok, and things just got really uncomfortable. “It’s not like you’ve never had a one night stand before.” Low blow. “I’m a warm blooded human being. I have needs.” That doesn’t mean I want to hear about it.

“Dawn, I’m not judging you. You just caught me off guard. I get that you have needs, but shouldn’t you think about it a little more? What if this guy wants more then just one casual night?” Dawn rolls her eyes and I give her a stern look. “I mean it, Dawnie. Believe it or not but there are some guys out there who are monogamists. What if he’s one of them? And I thought you were still trying to decide between Kyle and Michael? What happened to that?” She sighs and looks down at her hands on the table. “Dawnie, come on, you can tell me. You know I’m not going to think any less of you or anything.” She cheated on her fiancé, and had two little love children, and lied to everyone about the paternity and I still love her.

“I don’t know how that’s going to work out. I’m already over Kyle, and I honestly don’t see us getting together again. There’s just too much hurt between us. I still have feelings for Michael, and seeing how good he is with the boys just makes me like him even more.” I nod my head a little and she takes in a very deep breath and lets it out very slowly. “I just want one night of string free fun. No calling the next day, and worrying about any type of commitment. It’s been three years, for my health and my sanity I need to have sex.” Ok, ok, jeez. She could stop using that word. I know I’ve been having sex for a very long time but hearing my little sister talk about her desires is really creepy. We’ve talked about boys before, and what Kyle is like in the bedroom, but she never went into detail about it.

“Ok, I give. You want one night of commitment free fun, go for it. Please, spare the details.” She grins at me with a smug little smirk, and I know why. She won. She won that little battle of wills and I let her. But I don’t really care about that right now. Dawn did me a favor just now by letting me focus on her personal life so I could forget for just a second or two that my wife and best friend are missing. It’s time to focus on the bad stuff again. We’ve been doing that for three days and I’m not going to stop until I find out where they are. There’s something about this that I don’t really want to think about though. If Faith is in a better place will I be able to leave her there and let her be happy? Or will I be selfish and find a way to bring her back to me?

FPOV

You have no idea how much this sucks. I’m in my house but it’s not really my house. I’m with my family but they’re not really my family. I don’t know who these people are, at least not really. In this reality Buffy isn’t a slayer. That alone is fucking weird, but she’s also low on the self esteem. If she had any she definitely wouldn’t let the other me get away with the shit she’s pulled. If I cheated on Buffy, my Buffy, she’d throw my ass to the curb so fast I wouldn’t be able to see straight. The woman I’m looking at right now is broken, and hurt, and cut off from most of her emotions. She’s trying so hard to pretend that everything’s ok for the kids’ sake that she’s lost sight of what’s really going on.

I don’t really pay attention to what she’s saying as she gets up and leaves. It’s almost midnight so she’s probably going to bed. Red and I have been staying in the guest bedroom. I don’t really get why it’s a guest bedroom though. It should be Mattie’s room. Well, Danny’s room. I still think that’s so fucking weird. It’s amazing how much influence Dawn has in Buffy’s life. But I don’t want to think about that. Everyone’s been acting weird today, and I want to find out why. The kids stayed in their rooms almost all day long, and when they did come out they were way moodier then they normally are. I know because I asked B if that was normal and she said no. She just wouldn’t tell me why. Then she got really upset and left the room. I wanted to follow her but Willow stopped me.

Red fell asleep about an hour go. The spell she did really drained her and it’s taking a long time for her to get her energy back. I don’t mind doing some extra reading. Anyway, I wait about ten minutes after Buffy left before I get up. I walk out of the kitchen and shut off the light. Everyone has gone to bed except me. I think one of the kids is still awake. I can hear someone moving around upstairs and it’s not coming from Buffy’s room. I walk up the stairs and slowly walk down the hallway. I can see a soft glow coming from under Addy’s door. Hmm, that’s weird. She said she was going to bed hours ago. I knock on the door and I hear a very soft ‘come in’. I open the door and see her. She’s lying in her bed, under the covers, and I can tell she’s been crying.

“Hey.” Alright, I know that was lame, but I don’t know what else to say. She wipes her eyes and doesn’t even try to hide the fact that she was crying. “Do you want me to go?” She shakes her head no and now I’m really confused. She was curious about me the first day, but ever since she found out that in my reality ‘her’ family isn’t broken she’s been avoiding me. At least I think that’s the reason. “Can I sit down?” I look over at the desk and she nods her head yes. Good ‘cause I’m starting to feel like a jackass just standing here. I leave the door open and walk into the room. Her room is so fucking cool. There are posters all over the walls. Mostly of rock bands but there’s a large ‘parental advisory’ sign over her bed. It’s fuckin awesome. I sit down at the desk and look at her for a few seconds. I wonder why she’s being so quiet. Addy is usually anything but quiet. “Can I help you with anything?” She looks into my eyes and fresh tears form in hers.

“I know you’re not really my mom, but you look just like her, and you sound just like her. I know it’s weird to ask but do you think you can…” There’s a long pause and I’m afraid if I say something she’ll close up again. “Nevermind, it’s stupid.” I’m pretty sure I know what she wants. I stand up and sit down on the edge of the bed. I wait a few seconds to see how she’ll react before I start moving again. All she does is look at me. Her gaze is so intense I’m getting shivers up and down my spine. I scoot a little closer and bring my feet up on the bed. I lean back against the headboard and open up my arms. She hesitates for a few seconds, and I can tell she’s trying to decide what to do. Then she scoots towards me and closes the distance between us. I wrap my arms around her and she rests her head on my shoulder. She starts crying, I mean really fuckin sobbing, and I do my best to comfort her.

“It’s ok, shh, you’re ok.” I gently rub her back and stroke her hair with my other hand. Hearing her cry is breaking my heart. No wonder the other me spoils her rotten, her being sad is too heartbreaking. Her whole body is shaking and I have a feeling that a lot of this emotion coming out now has been repressed for a long time. I know this is gonna sound retarded but I think she just needs to cry it out. I’m sure she’ll feel a little better after this. She clings onto me as tight as she can. I guess because Buffy isn’t a slayer the kids aren’t slayers either ‘cause normally when she clings like this, well when my Addy clings like this, it hurts like hell. This doesn’t hurt at all. “Shh baby girl, it’ll be ok.” I don’t know if that’s true or not but I need to at least try to make her feel better.

“No it won’t,” she says around another loud sob. She very slowly starts to calm down. The sobbing slows to a stop, but the tears are still running down her cheeks. “You don’t know what happened. Nothing is gonna be ok again.” So I take it she isn’t talking about the split up and the cheating since she knows I know about all of that. “Four years ago today Dan was in a car accident. His friend Seth was driving. They were both drunk, and they hit a telephone poll.” Oh my God. He’s fucking dead? “He was in a coma, and on life support. He was like that for almost a month, and the doctor’s said he’d never wake up so my moms took him off the life support.” Oh my fucking God. That must’ve been so hard for all of them. “And Joey’s always angry, and my moms hate each other, and everything is so fucked up.” I would tell her to watch her language but she’s right.

“I miss him so much.” I bet she does. I can’t even imagine losing Matthew. “I never really listened to my parents when I was little.” She probably still doesn’t. “I just…I feel so lost without him.” I grip her a little tighter but I have to be careful so I won’t hurt her. Poor kid, all of the crap she’s been through. I look up when I see some movement, and Buffy is in the doorway watching us. I guess she’s been there for a few minutes ‘cause she has tears in her eyes. I try to stay calm ‘cause I don’t want to freak Addy out. But I am worried that Buffy’s going to be pissed at me for doing this. I’m a complete stranger to her. I know I wouldn’t want some stranger comforting my baby girl when I can do it myself. It’s that whole protective mother thing. I guess Addy doesn’t know B’s there because she keeps talking.

“He was my moms’ favorite. They were always going out of their ways so he could do what he wanted. He wanted to learn how to play the guitar and they ran right out and bought one for him, and sent him to lessons. As soon as he got his license they bought him a car. He played every sport in high school no matter how inconvenient it was for the rest of us.” I’m sure it wasn’t that bad but kids tend to exaggerate. “And now it’s like they died with him. Their marriage did, that’s for sure.” I sigh a little, and rub her back a little more. This kid has so much sadness locked up inside of her. No wonder she tries to get away with so much. She’s just acting out for some attention. It’s sad that she needs to do that. If I were the other Faith a lot of things would be different. My wife wouldn’t hate me, and my daughter wouldn’t feel like a ghost.

“Addy, I don’t know exactly what happened but I’m sure your moms love you and Joey just as much as they did Daniel. You can’t think like that or you’ll drive yourself crazy.” She sighs and tenses up a little and I know this isn’t the way to go. She’s headstrong so I need to word this a little better. I guess it’s time for me to open up about my past. “When I was little my mom was an alcoholic. She would get drunk and start yelling at me, blaming me because she was so unhappy. One night she tried to hit me, and my dad started screaming at her, telling her if she ever touched me he’d kill her. The neighbors heard him yelling and called the cops. He went to prison and with him gone there was no one to protect me. She’d beat me whenever I got in trouble or for no reason if she was drunk enough. When I tell you that your mom loves you it’s not just to try and make you feel better, it’s because I see it. I know what it’s like not to be loved and trust me you are very loved.”

I look over at Buffy and she has a little smile on her face. I guess that’s her way of saying thank you. I smile back for a second, and she tip toes away. I guess she’s going back to her room. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to hear my daughter say that she isn’t as loved as one of her siblings. Sometimes Addy will say it to try and hurt us whenever she gets into trouble. But this Addy wasn’t throwing a fit, and she wasn’t trying to be mean. She really thought her parents loved Daniel more then her. I sigh a little, and rest my chin on the top of her head. I wonder if it’s going to be like this when Addy is older. I hope so. Just sitting here holding this Addy is filling me with those fuzzy feelings a parent gets whenever their kid seeks out their comfort. I know technically she isn’t mine, but in this moment it doesn’t matter.

“Hey Faith?” she asks and she sounds a little nervous. I wonder what’s running through that mind of hers. I let out a little ‘hmm?’ and she hesitates a few seconds before she starts talking again. “If we can’t find a way to get you and Willow back to your own dimension.” Why does she have to bring that up? I’m freaking out enough as it is without someone vocalizing it. “Do you think you can move in with us, and be with my mom? I know we’re not the same as your family, and you’re not really our other mom, but at least this way we’ll be together and kind of like we were before.” Oh boy, how do I explain this? “You love your Buffy right? So maybe if you spend enough time with my mom you’ll fall in love with her and we can be happy again.” Ok, I’m totally lost for words right now. What am I supposed to say?

“Addy, I don’t think that would work. We would just be using each other to fill in the gaps, you know? And that’s not fair for anybody. It sucks so much that your moms are broken up, and I know how much you miss your other mom, but I can’t be her. I’m never going to stop trying to get home and I think it would be better if we didn’t get attached. It’ll make things easier for when I go home.” I feel like shit now because she’s so sad. I just want to make her feel better, not worst. But I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t let her think about that little fantasy like it would come true because it won’t. Not ever. “Why don’t you get some sleep? Tomorrow is the big day, right?” She nods her head a little but she doesn’t say anything. Tomorrow her school is playing against the Las Vegas Eagles. Last year they got their asses handed to them according to Addy, and this year they really want to win.

I leave a little kiss on her forehead and I slowly get off the bed. I wanna talk to B about some stuff but I’m not sure if she’ll open up to me or not. She probably has so many repressed feelings it’ll take a week for her to cry it out. Well, maybe I can help take some of the pain away. I close the door behind me and walk down the hall. I peek into the guest bedroom and Red is still asleep. I hope she feels better in the morning ‘cause we really need help with the research thing. Anyway, I walk down to the end of the hall and very slowly open Buffy’s door. I see her lying on the bed but she’s still awake. She’s wiping some tears away from her eyes and sniffling a little. I really hope she opens up. If she keeps everything repressed she’ll go insane, or explode. Well, here goes nothin.

BPOV

I hear my door slowly creak open and I wipe the tears away from my eyes. Seeing Faith lying there with Addison brought back a lot of memories I’d rather not thing about. And hearing what she had to say about Daniel’s death was very upsetting too. I just want it all to go away. Why can’t the pain just go away? Why am I alone, where’s Faith? I glance over at the door and see the other Faith just standing there watching me. Ok, I didn’t realize I’m an exhibit on display. I want to say something but at the same time I don’t want to. I don’t even know this woman and I want so badly to just give the control over to her. I’ve had to be in control for so long and I’m sick of it. But that’s stupid because she’s going to be leaving, and she’s not even a family member.

She has this intense look in her eyes as she walks into the room and closes the door behind her. Ok, what the hell is she doing? She shouldn’t be coming in here like this. I’m letting her stay in the guest bedroom I don’t want her in here. She takes a look around, like she’s studying the room or something. But she only does that for a few seconds. Her intense stare moves back to my eyes, and it sends shivers up and down my spine. She sits down at the vanity and just looks at me. I know what she’s trying to do. She thinks I’m going to break the silence and tell her about all of my feelings, but I’m not. If I wanted to talk about it I’d go to therapy. Nope, I’m not gonna crack. I’m not going to give into what she wants. She can stare at me until she goes blind but I’m not going to say anything.

“It hurts,” I say in barely a whisper. I’m talking, so what? That doesn’t mean I’m going to tell her everything. “It hurts so bad.” I watch as she gets up and sits down on the edge of the bed. I guess it’s two for one break down night at the Summers house. “Faith was more then just my spouse and lover. She was one of my best friends. And she went and fucked my other best friend. I lost them both, and it isn’t fair. I wanted to talk about it but I didn’t have anybody. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.” I wipe the fresh tears that are falling down my face and I sniffle. I really don’t want to break down in front of her, but I guess it isn’t up to me. I don’t look at her because I know if I see her looking all concerned and just like my wife I’ll completely break down, and I don’t want that.

“I didn’t want Faith to buy Daniel that stupid car. A seventeen-year-old doesn’t need a car. He could’ve borrowed one of ours.” I can’t hold back the sobs as they shake my entire body. “I remember it all like it was yesterday. I was asleep when the phone started ringing. Faith answered it and it was a cop, and he told her we needed to go to the morgue. That a boy was brought in and it might be our son. Faith must’ve broken every traffic law there is getting us there. I couldn’t even recognize him. I didn’t want it to be true. I kept telling them it wasn’t my son lying on that table. But then they handed me his wallet with his driver’s license and I knew.” I have to stop talking. I’m sobbing way too hard to keep going. I feel two strong arms wrap around me, and I lean into the warm body. I wrap my arms around her and cling on like my life depends on it.

“It’s ok,” I hear her whisper but she’s wrong. Nothing is ok. I lost my baby boy. I lost my wife. My family is broken and we’ll never be put back together. “Let it out, just let it all out.” I bling onto her tighter and she starts to gently run her fingers through my hair. My Faith used to do the same thing whenever I was upset. “That’s it B, just let it all out. I’ve got you, you’re ok now.” She tightens her grip on me and kisses my forehead. Did she just call me B? My Faith never did that. It doesn’t matter though. I now she isn’t my Faith and I’m not going to let myself think of what I would do if it were my wife comforting me right now. I can’t let myself think it because then I’ll want to ct on it, and that would be wrong. It would be wrong because…it would be wrong because…because it would be.

I have no idea how long it takes me to calm down but when I finally do I don’t feel any better. I released all of that emotion and I still feel like shit, and lonely, and like I’ll never be happy again. I sniffle really loud and it’s really disgusting but all Faith does is chuckle. The sound of it makes me relax against her body. All of my muscles aren’t tense anymore, and I actually feel safe and secure. I know it sounds crazy but that’s how I’m feeling. I sigh and she keeps rubbing my back, not too soft, but not too hard. I guess she does this for her Buffy. If she keeps this up any longer I’m probably going to fall asleep. I pull back from the embrace just enough to look at her. She gets a small smile on her face and gently wipes my drying tears away.

“Feel better?” she asks in a very low voice. I nod my head a little even though it isn’t true. I feel worst then I did before because now I have a headache from al of the crying I did. “You don’t have to lie.” How the hell did she know I was lying? She chuckles and gently rubs my furrowed eyebrows with her thumb. Wow, that feels good. “Your eyebrows kind of stiffen up when you lie. That’s just something you and my Buffy have in common I guess.” Now she looks so sad. I guess she isn’t pretending that I’m her wife, just like I won’t pretend she’s mine. “I can’t even imagine what it would be like to lose one of my kids. About five years ago I thought a demon killed Addy, but it just sent her to another dimension. I tried so hard to kill him but Willow kept stopping me. She’s the one who snapped me out of this blind rage I was in.” I don’t know what I would do if I lost another one of my kids, especially to a demon.

“Your wife is very lucky to have you,” I tell her, and as I say it I realize just how close we are. She doesn’t seem to notice though, and I don’t want to point it out. Sure she’s not my wife, but I’m just not ready to lose this comforting feeling. She gives me this little smile, but she has a strange look on her face. She adds a little more pressure to my back, and God that feels so good. There’s definitely more then sleepiness going on right now. Damn, she better stop before my judgment gets clouded. I don’t want to do anything stupid. I don’t want her to feel guilty when she goes back to her happy family. That would be ironic. Would it? I’m not exactly sure right now. I can’t really concentrate on anything with those strong hands.

“I’m the lucky one, trust me. I’d probably be dead, or in prison again. I’m not too sure which.” She smiles a little wider, and her tone was light but what she said isn’t funny at all. I wonder why she went to prison. My Faith was in jail for public drunkenness and disturbing the peace, but she’s never been in prison. I don’t want to ask. I’m sure she’ll tell me if she wants to. “I don’t think we’d be together still if it wasn’t for Mattie. He forced us to grow up and be responsible and all that shit we were avoiding.” I smile a little and she brings her hand up and gently moves some loose hair out of my face. I don’t mean for it to happen but I lean into her touch and the smile on her face softens a lot. “I can’t stand to see her in pain, and you look just like her so I got the same protective feeling.” I glance over at the clock and holy hell it’s almost three in the morning.

“I’m sorry but I need to get some sleep. Addison will kill me if I don’t pay attention to the game tomorrow. She’s worked really hard for this. Her coach has even mentioned putting her on the all star team.” Even though it’s three in the morning, and I’m tried I’m still beaming with motherly pride. Although how Addison got involved with soccer is a little sad. After Daniel died she needed an outlet for all of the anger she was feeling, and kicking a soccer ball around helped. Then she just got better the more she practiced and now she’s the captain of her high school team. Hopefully she’ll get a scholarship to a university so I won’t have to pay for her college. “Do you think…I know this is a lot to ask but...do you think you could stay in here with me tonight?” I look away as soon as the words leave my mouth. I hear her chuckle a little bit and I don’t know why but my face blushes.

“Don’t worry about it Blondie. I know you’re not her but I might actually sleep tonight if I’m in here. You two wear the same perfume, and Red can kick like an angry bull at a rodeo.” I smile a little but it’s only half hearted. Just the thought of this Faith and Willow sharing a bed brings back many horrible memories that I’d rather just forget. “I just need to change then I’ll be right back.” She’s tying to sound like this is no big deal, but I guess it’s important to her too. Hopefully I’ll be able to make it through the night without doing anything dumb. So I know I’ve already said, probably many times by now, that I know this isn’t my Faith and I’m not for a second going to give into the delusion that this Faith is my wife. But it’s going to be to ignore the way my body reacts to her. It doesn’t know that she isn’t my wife, and it’s screaming at me to take her.

“Want me to get the light?” Fuck that scared me. I look over at her standing at the end of the bed and she’s trying not to smile. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya.” She winks and turns off the light. The room is completely black and I can’t see a thing. I can hear her walking to the other side of the bed. My heart starts pumping faster as she pulls back the covers and crawls into the bed. I don’t know why my body is reacting so fiercely to her presence. It’s not like I never get any sexual release. My vibrator serves me well. But it’s just not the same. Getting myself off isn’t as satisfying as being with Faith. Ok I really need to stop thinking about this with her in the bed. Even before my Faith became the slayer she could just tell whenever I was turned on. I have a feeling this Faith has that same sixth sense.

“Goodnight,” I whisper breaking the slightly awkward silence. She says it back and I can feel her moving around. Her knee brushes up against my thigh and we both freeze and tense up. It’s hot tonight so we’re both in boxers. She had a shower earlier today and she must’ve shaved because her shin is lightly touching mine and it’s silky smooth. I know this is going against my better judgment and everything I’ve been rambling about, but I very slowly rub my leg against hers. I look over towards her side of the bed, but I can’t see her face. I stop moving my leg and I just wait to see what her reaction is going to be. She doesn’t do anything at first, but now she’s lightly rubbing the side of her smooth calf against mine. Her knee is gently resting on top of my thigh and the heat is definitely rising within my body. I haven’t been touched by another person in a remotely sexual way in a very long time.

“We should stop,” she says. Her voice is deep and throaty. She’s probably really turned on too. I wonder why she’s so turned on. From what she’s said her relationship with her Buffy is a happy and healthy one. I nod my head a little even though she can’t see it. I really don’t trust my voice right now. “It’s not you it’s just…I can’t.” I understand completely. Even though Faith has hurt me so much I can’t force myself to cheat on her. There’s still a part of me that loves her too much to be with someone else. I tense up a little bit when I feel her move towards me. I can see her face a little better but I can’t make out her expression. I feel her hand on my hip, and she slowly moves it to my lower back. She holds me close, and it makes me feel safe, and better then I did before. “Goodnight.” She leaves a little kiss on my forehead as I whisper it back. I highly doubt I’m going to be getting any sleep tonight.

FPOV

“Babe, stay here with me. Why do you have to leave so early the game doesn’t start until four, right?” Chyla asks, but it’s more of a whine. For fuck’s sake she’s twenty-seven she should be whining like a four-year-old. I sigh and go back to putting on my eyeshadow. The room gets real quiet for a few seconds, and a tension is starting to build. Does she have to sit there and watch me does this? I can feel her walking closer to me and I know what’s coming. She does this shit all the time and gets irritating. I don’t know what happened but one morning I wake up after a night of great sex and she’s all giddy and girly. She knows I’m not emotionally involved, that was the whole point of us getting together but for whatever reason she thinks I am now. Anyway, this is the part when she gets all sexy and tries to seduce me but it isn’t going to work. I might as well put a stop to it before it starts.

“I told you I want to take her out to dinner for some mother-daughter bonding and I need to make sure Buffy knows or she’ll freak out if I just show up at the house.” I thought I was clear about that? Maybe I shouldn’t try to explain important stuff to her while we’re having sex. I can see her standing behind me and she has a pouty look on her face. I’m really getting sick of her shit. If she couldn’t use that tongue of hers so well I’d be outta here. “The game only lasts an hour and a half unless they have a tie then they play until it’s broken, and dinner probably won’t last more then an hour. I haven’t seen her since Buffy kicked me out. I need to spend some time with my kids.” I don’t know what her deal was. She just completely flipped one day and kicked me out. We’re still legally married ‘cause neither of us can afford a divorce so I don’t know what’s going to happen.

“They can always come over here,” Chyla says and leans against the sink. I look over at her and try hard not to roll my eyes. That usually starts an argument and I’d rather not have one of those and go to my kid’s game while I’m pissed. “I have two guest rooms that they can stay in, it’s not like they’d have to sleep on the floor.” She just doesn’t get it sometimes. How the hell did she get all those promotions at work? Oh right, she slept with our boss. That one backfired though when she ended up suing him for sexual harassment. He wanted more then just the one night and she said no, he couldn’t take it for an answer and tried to seduce her in his office. Now she owns a Jaguar, and a summer house on the California coast.

“I really don’t think Buffy is going to send our kids over to the house of the woman her wife is having an affair with.” She gets this sad little look on her face and I have to fight not to sigh. She wants more and it’s getting so fuckin irritating. I told her when this started I didn’t want more. I guess she thinks we can be more though, and she hates it whenever I bring up the fact that I’m married. But whatever, who cares? I sure don’t. “Chyla I to be there today, alright? This game is important to Addy, and if I’m not there it’ll make things between us worst.” It’s true. I’ve always had a close relationship with my daughter but lately she won’t talk to me. I’ve called the house a couple of time when I knew Buffy would be gone and Addy hung up on me. I have no idea what her mother has been telling her. I don’t think B would try to poison the kids against me or anything, but I wouldn’t put it passed her.

“Funny how you feel so strongly about what’s important to other people now. Whenever I have something important I want to share with you, you couldn’t give a fuck less.” And I probably never will. I finish up with my eyeshadow and put the little brush thing back in the container. I look over at her and try to figure out how to word this as delicately as possible. I just don’t want to start a fight. I hate fighting with people and I don’t want to be in a bad mood when I go to my kid’s game. She looks like she’s digging for a fight. She’s so fuckin attention hungry. I think she needs a dog, not a lover.

“I’m not trying to sound like a bitch or anything, but my kids are the most important thing in my life. They always will be. They come first. I couldn’t make my marriage work, and it affected them but that doesn’t change the fact that they are my number one priority.” She doesn’t look as pissed off now, but she gets this look on her face, I can’t really describe it. It’s like a look of defiance or something. Yeah I guess you could call it that. I’d definitely call it that. Addy always gives me that kind of look before she makes some big speech about how she’s fifteen and old enough to go to a party that’s being thrown my seniors. And sure I let her go. She’s a responsible girl. She can go to one of those parties and not give into her friends telling her to drink and smoke and all that shit.

“And what about Buffy?” she asks, and folds her arms across her chest. What the fuck kind of question is that? “Is she high up on your priority list too?” Not this shit again. I swear to fuckin God she bitches about this more then anything else. Why can’t she complain about the fact that I leave my wet towels on the floor, and I never make her breakfast, and I don’t give a shit about her feelings? Nope, she has to bitch about the fact that I have a family. “Don’t give me that look. I’m not delusional, and I’m not crazy. I know you still care about her. You were with her for a long time, but it’s over now. Are you at least trying to move on?” Ok, enough of this bullshit. I can’t believe she has the balls to bring this up again.

“I’m over her alright? What the fuck do you want me to say?” I try so hard not to yell but she’s really starting to piss me off. “You know I’m not looking for a relationship, Chyla. This between you and me is meaningless.” Me saying shit like this is mean, but she’s a pretty tough girl, she can handle it. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Let’s just drop it.” Even if I’m over B I don’t like talking about her like this. I know this is gonna be a laugh riot comin from me, but it just feels wrong talkin about her with Chyla. I look down at my watch and decide to skip the mascara for now. I can put it on in the car when I get to the field. “I have to go. I’ll see you later.” I give her a little kiss on the cheek as I walk out of the room. That probably pissed her off even more, but she’ll get over it.

I jump in my car and practically peel out of the driveway. I wasn’t lying to her in there just to get her off my back. My kids are my top priority. Their happiness is important, and I know not showing up to this game will make Addy unhappy. Things are so much different then they used to be. If I could go back and change stuff I would, but I can’t. Buffy hates me, my kids hate me, and all of my old friends won’t talk to me. Well, they were Buffy’s friends first, and when we started dating I joined the group. It was nice to be a part of that. I didn’t think it would last because high school friendships usually don’t last through college, but these ones did. She was so fuckin miserable after that fuck stain left town, and I was huggin her trying to calm her down, and she kissed me.

I remember that she’s the one who kissed me. I don’t remember who led who to the bedroom. And I don’t remember who started taking off clothes first. All I really remember is one minute we’re kissing on the couch, and the next we’re in bed. Buffy walked in on it but she was too shocked to say anything. She took off to her mom’s for three days. Wouldn’t take any of my calls, and she took the kids with her. We tried to work passed it, and I think we were getting somewhere, and then Daniel got into that car accident. I’ve never been the ‘share my feelings’ type, and when he died I completely closed myself off to everyone. Buffy was distant and hateful towards me. She thinks it’s my fault because I’m the one who bought him the car. She won’t admit it, but I can see it in the way she looks at me when she thinks I’m not paying attention.

And here’s the field. Good, now I can stop thinking about all that bullshit, and focus on my little girl. She reminds me of how I used to be in high school. Every girl wants to be her, every guy wants to sleep with her, but she isn’t too girly. Sure she wears the girly clothes, and she can act like a total brat, but she’s also into soccer, and very hard rock. She’s like the perfect combination of both me and B. Anyway, I find a good parking spot and pull the visor down so I can look in the mirror. I grab the mascara from my purse and put some on. When that’s done, I look out the windshield, and I have a perfect view of the field. The girls are in their uniforms and warming up. A lot of the other parents are already sitting in the bleachers, and some of the girl’s friends. Addy’s boyfriend is sitting front and center. She has that guy whipped, that’s for sure.

I get out of the car and shield my eyes with my hand. It’s bright as fuck out here today. I hope that doesn’t affect their performance too much. Addy really wants to win this game. Last year they had their asses handed to them by the Eagles and she wants to return the favor. I walk over to the bleachers and I stand next to them. Buffy is sitting in one of the middle rows and she hasn’t seen me yet. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to say to her. I haven’t seen my kids in a month, and I know that’s because of her. She kicked me out and she doesn’t want me around them. I don’t want to make things any worst for her, but I will take her to court if she doesn’t let me see them. Custody battles always get messy, and hurtful, but I’ll do it if she’s stubborn about it. My kids mean too much to me.

“Addy!” I yell when she finishes up a drill. She looks over, and I can tell she’s surprised to see me. I wave, and she waves back. I guess that’s a good sign. She doesn’t look mad or anything, but she could always be pretending so no one will ask her what’s wrong. I can feel Buffy’s eyes boring holes into my skin but I ignore it. I need to talk to her, but I want to see my daughter first. I motion Addy over to me, and she doesn’t hesitate before she runs off the field and over to me. I wrap my arms around her, and God it feels good to be hugging her. Like I said, I’ve always had a close relationship with my daughter and being away from her for a month was like hell. “Hey baby girl, how’ve you been?” We end the hug and she gets a weird look on her face. I’ve seen that look before. She has something she wants to tell me, but she doesn’t want to tell me because she probably promised someone else she wouldn’t. Did that make sense?

“I’ve been good.” I can tell by the look in her eyes that she hasn’t. I guess she’s a lot like me. She holds it all in until she has a breakdown. “I’ve missed you.” I smile a little and she hugs me again. I’m about to tell her how much I missed her, but then the coach blows her stupid whistle and Addy jumps back from me like she was burned. I guess it scared her. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you after the game.” I nod and she runs off. I sigh a very deep sigh, and watch her run back onto the field. The coach walks the girls through their next set of drills and it’s a little boring actually, but whatever. I don’t come to these things to be entertained. I come here to watch my kid. But there’s something else I have to do right now, even though I have a good feeling it isn’t gonna end well. I walk up the bleachers and look into Buffy’s eyes. She doesn’t look happy to see me, but I knew she wouldn’t.

“Hey,” I say as I sit down next to her. It’s not like she’s sitting with anyone else. “We need to talk.” She sighs and leans forward a little bit. Whenever she gets really irritated she has a hard time sitting still. “It’s been a month, Buffy. I haven’t seen my kids in a month. You kicked me out and that was it.” She sighs again, and I know I’m going about this all wrong. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to get so bitchy. I just miss ‘em.” She nods her head a little but she keeps her eyes on the field. I look down and Addy is stretching out. I can hear some of the boys sitting in the front row whistling, and throwing out cat calls. Little pricks are gonna get their dicks ripped off if they’re not careful. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m taking Addy out to dinner tonight. I want to have some mother-daughter time with her. And this weekend I want to do something with Joey.” She looks over at me like I’ve gone completely insane.

“That’s not how this works Faith. You can’t just show up and make demands. You didn’t even ask if we already have plans after the game, or this weekend.” Fuck that. She’s had ‘em for a month. She needs to learn to share. She sighs and her hands ball up into fists. She’s trying so fuckin hard to control herself. It’s almost amazing that she hasn’t raised her voice at least a little. I need to cut her some slack. After all the shit I’ve put her through I’m surprised she hasn’t turned violent. “But you’re right. They’re your kids too, and even though things haven’t worked between us you have every right to spend time with them.” Why do I have a feeling that this is way too easy? “It’s ok with me if they want to go. They’re old enough to make up their minds whether or not they want to spend time with you.” And there’s the catch.

“Ok then. Addy seemed really happy to see me so when the game’s over I can drive her back to the house and let her get ready. We might be gone for a couple of hours. You have my cell number if you need to get a hold of us.” She nods her head and she looks a little hurt. I guess she thought the kids would be so pissed off at me that they would take her side a hundred percent and not want to see my face ever again. I’m sure they feel that way sometimes, but they’re my kids, they’ll always love me. “I know you don’t wanna hear about this part, or maybe you do, but I’m not going to let them around Chyla.” She completely tenses up when I say her name. And that’s completely understandable. “They won’t want to be around her, and it’ll just make things awkward.” She nods her head and looks a little sad, but she smiles when Addy looks over at us.

The other team shows up and it isn’t long before the game starts. Something really weird happens while it’s going on too. Buffy and I are so focused on the game that we sort of forget about everything else. Everything I’ve done to hurt her, everything that’s happened in the passed, and we’re just each other again. Whenever Addy takes the ball from someone, or scores a goal we both jump up and start cheering and screaming out her name. It’s like we’re happy again. Yeah, I know, how weird is that? We haven’t been happy for years. I look over at her during half time, and she has this big smile on her face, and she looks as beautiful as she did back in high school. Looking into my eyes doesn’t bring up any bad memories for her because the smile doesn’t leave her pretty face. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it isn’t too late to fix everything.

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