Author's Notes: The italics represents voices only Faith can hear.
I'm walking through the cemetery on a night that's very cool and crisp. It's almost like the weather's mocking me. It's pointing at me and singing out: ‘isn't it a great night for a romantic stroll in the park? What's wrong, Buffy, where's your sweetheart?' I hate it when the weather is so nice when I'm feeling so shitty. After last night with Faith...I've been quiet and distant from everyone, especially her. She hasn't tried to apologize yet. She rarely does for anything unless she knows it's really fucked up. And I can tell she knows what she did is very wrong and one of the worst violations she could ever do to me, but I know that she's still trying to figure out a way to say it. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me. She wants to tell me what happened, what caused her to do that, but she doesn't know how to put it into words.
And I don't have the nerve to approach her about it. I'm not physically afraid of her, haven't been since she got out of prison, but I don't want it to turn into a big fight. This is a very delicate situation and I don't want it to get any more out of hand because I couldn't just wait a couple days. I'm afraid that if we fight over this then she'll leave me, that she'll just get too stressed and feel like she's cornered. She thinks that I don't know, she thinks that I'm so fucking clueless but I know her better then she gives me credit for. She feels cornered and she gets this restless feeling, like she's being boxed in and she has to get away. She gets like that sometimes when I touch her when she's having really deep thoughts or something is bothering her. I stop when I feel a very familiar tingle at the back of my neck. Oh my God!
"Oh my God, are you serious? Are you fucking serious? You come all the way up from L.A. saying you have a message from Angel and I invite you in thinking the world is going to end or something, you don't tell me shit except for some very unimportant stuff, you disrespect my girlfriend on purpose and now you're fucking stalking me? Spike, you better just get the hell out of town because I'm on my last damn nerve, so unless you have something very damn important that you need to say just say it so you can leave." Ok so I probably shouldn't have told him to say something very damn important because what's important to Spike isn't always important to me. He walks up to me and puts out his cigarette. Because of Faith I've gotten used to the smell of cloves and I kind of like it now, but what he's smoking is different and I want to vomit because of all the horrible dirty memories I get from it. Don't you just hate sense-memory?
"Look I know it's been years since we've seen each other, mostly because last time your honey tried to kill me." I smile at the memory. Six months after Matthew was born I got a call from Angel, just one of those rare ‘how are you doing?' calls, and I told him about the baby, why wouldn't I? He was happy for me but apparently he told some other people and word got out. When Spike heard he came up to visit to take a look and see what my child looked like. We had gone out to eat at the local Applebee's, and he approached us in the parking lot. Because Matthew was so young Faith was always in slayer mode whenever we took him somewhere, especially at night, so was I but hers has always been a lot fiercer then mine. As soon as we saw Spike walking towards us she tried to kill him, and we haven't seen him since. That is until two nights ago.
"But through all of these years my feelings for you haven't changed, not a bit. Well, a little. They've gotten stronger." Oh my fucking God! His he serious? Apparently so because he isn't laughing and he looks just as serious as the first time he told me that he loved me, you probably remember, Drusilla was in town, and he tied both of us up? Yeah you remember, I know you do. Anyway, I look at him with even more disgust as that first time, but he's always been stubborn. "Hey, stop with the face. It's true, I love you. I came here to get you back." I let out a snort that turns into a chuckle, that turns into a small laugh, that turns into maniacal laughing, and finally it turns into hysterical laughter where I'm bending over holding my stomach trying to breathe before I die. After about ten maybe fifteen minutes I finally calm down, I have tears running down my face and I wipe them away. After all this craziness it felt damn good to laugh like that. At least Spike is good for something, and a laugh as his expense is something I'll never pass up.
"Why would I run off with you? I don't love you. Sure there used to be some tiny little feeling because you helped me when I needed it, and you gave up your undead life for the world, but Spike, I'm not in love with you. I love Faith, I'm with Faith. Have been for the last seven years, will be for the rest of my life. We have a son together, why would I just leave all of that for you?" I really want to know his answer so I wait a little impatiently and twirl the stake in my hand like I used to do back in high school. Oh yeah, I still got it.
"You really think your relationship with her can last?" Ok, I'm getting ready to smack him. I'm not going to sit here and let him badmouth her, even if I am feeling a little out of sorts because of what she did, I still love her and I'm going to defend her to anyone who is talking shit. "She was raised with nothing but suffering, and abuse, and pain. She doesn't know how to love because she was never taught how. I know people like that, Buffy, and she may be fine now but all of that...hatred is going to catch up to her. And she may be able to pretend that it didn't happen and suppress it now but sooner or later the shit is going to hit the fan and when it does you will be caught in the middle. Your boy will be caught up in all of it." I pull my fist back and punch him in the face. Right in the eye and he falls backwards. I may have let him get away with the Faith stuff because I'm mad at her but nobody talks about my kid like that, especially not Spike. Even though he was on the ground and holding his eye he kept on talking. "She's dangerous, a murderer, once you cross that line there's going back." I snort at that and give him a ‘what are you on?' type of look.
"So says the vampire. Slaughtered half of Europe, dated a deranged lunatic for over a century, tried to kill me, my friends, and my family more then once. Any of this ringing a bell? You may have a soul Spike, but you are far from good. She is better then you by far and if you honestly believe that I'd actually leave her for you, that I'd leave my son for you...well you need to get your fucking head checked." He stood up and let go of his eye. It's black and starting to swell. He looks me in the eyes with sympathy and this look like ‘just hear me out will ya?'
"I've changed, I have a soul now. She killed those people, she tried to kill you and she had a soul, what do you think that says about her? And the boy, you can bring him with us. She's not at the house, ran to the store for Red about fifteen minutes ago. Lets go back, pack your bags, grab your kid and let's get the hell outta here." He sounds a little desperate and I feel so disgusted. I punch him in the face again and he stumbles back. "Fine, Buffy, be that way. But you'll see it. She's going to start changing if she hasn't already. She'll get a little angrier then normal, a little rougher where she used to be smooth. She'll turn on you then she'll turn on your kid and by the time it happens it'll be too late to stop." Before I can hit him again, before I can say anything he walks away, his coat all billowy in the wind as he pulls out another cigarette and lights up. I can't help but think that he might be right. It's only for a fraction of a second though, not even a whole second because I know that if she ever did ‘turn on me' she'd never hurt Matthew. And I know that she'd never hurt me either. But then again, she already did. She did hurt me in a way that should never happen especially by a loved one. Maybe Spike is right after all.
I continue to wander around aimlessly. The cemeteries here are nothing like they were in Sunnydale. Shasta Lake itself doesn't have any cemeteries that are still being used. There's one not far from us but it's a Native American burial ground, no joke, and because not very many people are buried there anymore we only go to it when we read in the paper that someone is being buried there, which like I said isn't often. To get to the others I have to walk a long ways or drive, whichever. But there are only two, to get to the other one we have to drive even farther out. Sometimes I miss Sunnydale, there were like six cemeteries and all within walking distance. And because of the hellmouth there was always some type of evil that needed to be slayed. But here, it's quiet. There are a lot of vampires I can feel them, but they're mellow, they don't attack as often as the ones in Sunnydale. The body count is way lower which is great, gotta love a low body count, but sometimes, I just get bored.
I decide to leave the cemetery because it's dull tonight. No action here at all. I go to the park and start to walk around. I will admit that they do have a nice setup here. Nice long trails for me to walk down, lots off cool grass and plenty of benches to rest on when I get too caught up in my thoughts and I need to sit down so I don't trip over anything. But tonight I'm not that distracted. I'm even able to sense him when he walks up. I stop in my tracks and let out a sigh. My shoulders slump down a little and a allow myself to smile a little bit. Even though I'd rather not see him right now, it is kind of nice.
"I thought you said you were going to stop following me around," I say in a mock-serious tone. He knows I'm only kidding around with him. He steps forward, out of the shadows and I'm reminded of all the other times he's done this. I don't turn around to face him but I know that he's there, and I know he's going to say something. I kind of like our little word games, they're pretty fun.
"Old habits are hard to break. Besides, I'm not here to follow you. We need to talk." Ouch, that stings. I finally turn out and a let out a sigh. He looks concerned and I'm a little grateful. I know that we'll never be together again, he knows that but I'm glad that ever after all these years he's still looking out for me. Ok, how mushy am I? I shake my head at his words and put my stake back in the pocket of my jacket. It's slow here tonight too.
"Don't you know not to start a conversation with ‘we need to talk'? It's very bad juju." I swear to God if Faith makes me watch more one episode of Grey's Anatomy again I just might break the television. I know it's a great program, and I kind of like watching it because of the drama, but there's a little too much blood for me, and when those two people where stuck together by that pole because of the train accident, how sick was that? I know that Faith only watches it for that blonde, her miss Dr. Stevens. She's hinted at role-play before and I know exactly who she wants me to be. Ok, I'm babbling again. I look over at him and he's not smiling, he didn't even let out a little ‘you're still as crazy as ever' laugh by my use of the word juju. I give and I give and what do I get? A stone hard look. This must be serious.
"You probably already know that Spike's back in town." I let out a very irritated laugh. "But he did come here for a reason. I couldn't get away from things in L.A. so I sent him instead. I realize now that I probably should have sent Wesley or Gunn, I think you might have even preferred Cordelia, but the news is kind of important." I sigh and lead him over to a park bench. We sit down and I look into his eyes. The moonlight is reflecting off of them and I can remember the exact moment when I realized that I loved him. But that's all in the past, I wouldn't change any of it, ok well maybe some of the things I did with Spike because they were depraved and belittling, but if Angel hadn't have gone evil, then we never would have realized that we couldn't be together, and I wouldn't have Faith, I wouldn't have Matthew, I wouldn't have everything I love today.
"Ok Angel, you wanna get to the point here soon because I have some more avoiding that I need to get done." It was supposed to be a joke, but he never takes any of that stuff lightly. And because I just couldn't keep my big mouth shut he's looking at me with even more concern, like he did when I came back that Summer after I had died, and when I started hanging out with Faith and started to run with her wild lifestyle. He'll always worry about me, and I can't help but love him for it. Love as in the kind of love that you have for an ex-lover who you still care about. I'm not in love with him, not anymore, I haven't been for a while.
"I stopped by your place earlier, nice house by the way." I smile and nod a thank you. "I didn't knock or anything, I just wanted to see if you were there. Things seemed kind of...tense. Faith she hasn't, and I mean this in the best way possible, but she hasn't gone insane again, has she?" I look away from him and stare straight ahead. My arms are folded across my chest now. I know what he's asking. He wants to know if she's psychotic and if she's killing again, which is a big no. Insane though? I don't know, maybe just a little. What with the panic attack and her freaking out and running away, and not to mention last night's roughness...I think she might be starting to slip.
"No." He can tell that I don't sound too convinced of that answer myself. I look over at him and then look away. Things are starting to grow tense between us and I don't like it. I'm staring out into the darkness and he's staring at me. I know he's going to say something to me, to question me on it further. I haven't talked to anyone about what happened. After I calmed down in the bathroom last night I washed my face, put on a bathrobe, took the blanket that Willow had given me and slept on the couch. I didn't want to talk about it with her, she has enough to deal with already. And I don't think he wants to talk about this, not fully, but I know he wants me to let him in at least a little bit.
"It's just...there's a lot going on. Kennedy cheated on Willow and then left her, Faith is really upset about that. And with Matthew in school now we have to find different ways to keep our minds busy, and I think she's going a little stir crazy from just being at home. She doesn't want to get a job because she isn't even a high school graduate. And there's other things, things that she won't talk about. Things from her past, she won't talk to me about her childhood or anything.
"But last night she was asleep and she started calling out to someone named Billy, and it was like she was begging him not to leave her. I woke her up and she wouldn't talk about it. After a few minutes she...we...tried...to make love." I stopped to gauge his reaction on that. Talking about having sex with someone with Angel is a tricky thing, not that I do it often. It's because he still loves me so much that the thought of me being with someone else that way makes him jealous. He stays neutral and I sent out a silent thank you.
"I say tried because it failed horribly. She was rough...she's never rough with me. She was biting my neck really hard, and she...was rough in other places too." I can't help but stare at my lap and he gets the idea. I feel him tense, he takes in an unneeded breath and he holds it. I hate it when he does that. "She almost didn't stop, I had to push her off me. I had asked her to be gentle and she would but it would only last for a couple of minutes." I have to stop because I can feel the tears start to build up in my eyes and if I'm not careful then I'll starting crying. And that's one of the last things that I want to do in front of Angel. "And I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me, she won't tell me what's going on...I'm afraid that it's going to get to a point that we can't go back from, and I love her so much, I don't want to leave her. I don't want to get to the point where we hate each other. Angel, what am I supposed to do?"
He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest and he lets me cry. He whispers some soothing words, tells me that everything will be ok, but he doesn't try to stop my tears, he just lets me get it all out, which I'm thankful for. When I finally calm down I pull back and look at him. He tells me not to worry about what he was going to say before, that he can take care of it himself. He leans down and leaves a soft kiss on my forehead and I watch as he gets up and walks away, into the darkness, leaving me here alone, feeling very uncertain about my future.
FPOV
Red asked me to run out to the store for her, says she could really use something to drink and not in the soda sense either. She asked for something specific so now I'm standing in the middle of a packie...I mean liquor store, in the middle of a liquor store trying to find what Red asked for. She hasn't taken the whole ‘Kennedy taking off' thing very easy and I'm surprised that she's waited this long for the booze. And from her request I can tell she's a lightweight because anyone who's used to drinking heavy, like me, wouldn't ask for cheery schnapps. I'm staring though at all the different colors, all of the different shapes and I can't help but be tempted. Buffy would kill me if I drink a drop though so I'm not going to. I find what Red was askin for and I take it to the counter. The clerk is a woman I know, have known for a couple years now. Her name is Jessica, mother of a girl named Jennifer. Jennifer is Mattie's age and they used to play at the park together every Friday, she's in his kindergarten class now.
"Hey Fai." The problem with Jessica is she has to give nicknames to people, a lot like me only she isn't all badass. I hate that she calls me Fai, but whatever. I don't let it bother me because I know that if I correct her it'll come out rude and Jessica is a nice lady, doesn't deserve my bad tongue, so I keep quiet about the subject. I mumble a hello and she rings up the bottle. "You ok? Last time you were in here you bought a bottle of JD, this is a little weak for you. You're not buying for teenagers are you?" She's teasing I can tell by the big smile on her face. I smile back, this girl has a pair on her I'll give her that.
"Naw. Friend of mine got dumped, she's a lightweight, wanted me to pick this up for her." She nods her head in that all-knowing way. She's only twenty-three but she's seen a lot in her time here on earth. Was raped by her uncle, an uncle by marriage so no blood relation, at the age of seventeen, her dad used to hit her a lot, her mom was bipolar and always flipping out on her. Her life was worse than mine, I know that, I'm not above admitting that her problems are more sever, but she came out of it all ok. She doesn't act badass and wear leather. Hell, she works at a little store and she's wearing pink. She's way too nice, I think, considering what happened to her. I don't know, I'm going to stop thinking about it because I'm getting ahead.
"Haven't seen you at any of the ptm's, where ya been?" Ptm, short for parent teacher meeting. I think there's one like every two weeks or something. The school likes to keep the parents informed of what's going on so once every two weeks they gather up most of the parents and sit them down and lecture them for and hour and a half. But I've been banned. "You haven't come since that first one. What, the little misses didn't like that you chewed out Creep Magee?" Creep Magee, the nickname for that Derrick guy because he's creeping and has hit on all of the moms, and because Magee is a funny name.
"Guess not since I haven't been back." We share a laugh and she shakes her head as if to say ‘you're so whipped'. And I am, I can't help it. Buffy's tamed me a lot and as much as I want to remain that cool badass smooth talkin slayer that I was back in Sunnydale, I'm not. I've changed and I'm still trying to figure out if it's for the best or not. Is this something that I wanted to become? Is this something that I can live with for the rest of my life? I have no idea, but I'm willing to find out because I think she's worth it, Mattie's worth it, and I don't want to just walk away from them and happiness. "I'll catch ya later."
We say our goodbyes as she put the bottle in a paper sack and then hands it to me. I take it from her and nod a thank you before walking out the door. I had to park my car down a little ways because of the lack of parking spaces. As I'm walking down the sidewalk I see none other then Kennedy. She looks horrible, way worse than when I saw her at the hotel room, and she fucking reeks of booze. She doesn't notice me. She's too busy walking fast and heading towards the liquor store. I grab her by the upper arm and spin her so she's facing me. She looks into my eyes. She's been crying, that much is wicked obvious. She looks so out of it, so far away, the look in her eyes alone is causing my heart to tighten.
"How many have you had today?" She knows exactly what I'm talking about. She doesn't say anything though and tries to walk away but I tighten my grip on her arm and pull her back towards me. "How many, Kennedy?" I'm not about to let my best friend become a boozehound because of this breakup. It's wicked painful, and yes it's going to take a long time to heal, but alcohol isn't the way to go. She looks down and runs a hand through her matted hair. She looks so...trashy. If I didn't know her I'd definitely be givin her some strange looks.
"Four." She answers so softly that I almost don’t hear it. "Four bottles, all Absolute. I need it Faith, it's the only thing that makes it stop." We just stand there and my grip loosens a little. I sigh deeply and watch as she looks back up at me. She looks into my eyes, fresh tears are in hers and I know that if she starts to cry I just might break down too. "I can still feel her, the pain, the anger. We connected on a mystical level, we can feel each other, and I need to make it stop. I have to make it go away." I know the answer is probably pretty fuckin obvious, but that's never stopped me from asking.
"Why?" She looks away from me and tries to walk away again but she's not going anywhere, I won't let her. I'm not going to let her fall into a black hole of self-hatred and self-pity. Once you're there it's hard to get out. Add that on top of the pain of a breakup and you're screwed.
"Because she's hurting so bad right now. Right now, this moment, I can feel it. She feels like her world has been ripped away and only the bad parts are left. Like there's this big missing piece, and I did that to her. I want to make it better, I want to see her, to talk to her, but I'm afraid she'll just send me away, or turn me into a rat or something. I know I deserve it, but I don't think I can take anymore." I know the feeling. I wrap my arms around her in a big hug and she nuzzles into my neck a little. It feels weird hugging her, and having her nuzzle me like that. This is Kennedy, she's just as butch as I am, well maybe a little less, but you get what I'm trying to say, right? I know I probably shouldn't do this, I know that it might cause some problems, but I just can't stay out of it. She wants to see Willow, she wants to get back together with her, she feels like a total bitch for doing what she did...I just can't help but feel sorry for her.
"I'm gonna ask you some questions and you better answer honestly because I'll know if you're lying or not and if you are then you can forget that I'm thinking of helping you, alright?" She nods her head yes and looks down at her hands. I reach out and use my thumb and forefinger to gently ease her chin up so she's looking at me. "Do you want to get back together with her?" All she can do is nod her head yes. She's too overcome with emotion to speak right now. I guess the hug was a bad idea after all. "Do you still love her?" She nods again, more vigorously this time. I sigh and run a hand though my unruly locks. I can't believe I'm going to do what I'm about to do. "Have you been with anyone else since the Barbie?" I ask. I know she hasn't been with Willow since Willow's business trip. According to Willow's upset ranting they slept together before she went to San Francisco but not when she got back. Kennedy shook her head no and I sigh in relief. I take her by the wrist and lead her to the car. She gets in and I start the car and take off for the house.
When we get there I can see Willow sitting in the living room. She's doing something with Mattie, putting together a puzzle I think, but I can't really tell. She looks better then she has all day and today was a particularly bad one. But mood swings are to be expected so we aren't faulting her for it. I sigh again and pick up the bottle that's still in the bag. Kennedy looks over at me and wipes the tears from her eyes. She isn't looking at the window and I know why. I know that if she sees Willow then she'll jump out of the car and run to her and right now she needs to be calm, she can't do the impulsive thing because that's what got her into this mess in the first place.
"Wait out here. If she says she doesn't want to talk to you you're not going to talk to her. I know you're hurting but you're the one that fucked up so you're going to do this on her terms, got it?" My voices wasn't mean, I didn't sound mad, I was just giving it to her straight because being honest with Kennedy is something I've always been. I give her the objective point of view, sort of like the voice of reason. Where she needs me to keep her level and give her a good smack every once in a while I need her to be the one to open up to.
I feel bad now because I almost feel like I'm cheating on Buffy, like I have been for years. She's the only one I've had sex with, but when it comes to my past, about the things I've done, the people I've done, the things that happened to me as kid, Kennedy knows more than I'll ever tell Buffy. So it's almost like I'm cheating on her emotionally, does that make sense? Anyway, Kennedy nods her head yes and I get out of the car. I walk into the living room and set the bottle down on the coffee table. Mattie locks eyes with my and I nod my head towards the hallway. He gets up and goes into his room without questioning me. That's one thing that drives B insane, he questions her on almost everything but he listens to me and rarely asks why I'm telling him to do something. Willow looked up at me with this confused look and I sat down next to her on the couch.
"Look, I don't know how you're going to take this but I ran into Kennedy while I was picking up your poison. She feels like a bitch for what she did, regrets it, and hates herself for it. She knows that it was a mistake and she wants to talk to you. I've already explained that because you're here and so...fragile, that if she's going to try and get ya back she's going to do it on your terms. She's waiting out in the car, if you don't want to see her I'll drive her back to where she's been staying, if you want to talk to her, well, she's waiting." I turn and look out the window. Kennedy's looking at us, this hopeful look in her eyes. I can see that she's conflicted and I can guess what she's thinking. I'd probably think it too.
"She says she hasn't been with anyone since...well ya know, and I believe her. She wouldn't lie to me, you know that, I know, and unborn child over in China knows it." Never take anything too seriously, that's one of my philosophies, now if I can just learn to do it a little more things will be fine. "She's sorry Willow, just give her a chance, hear her out? If you don't like what she has to say I'll make sure she never comes near you again, even if I have to shadow you around for the rest of your life." She smiles and laughs a sad laugh, mostly because she knows it's true.
"I want to talk to her, but I don't want to be left all alone with her. Buffy's still out patrolling, will you wait in your bedroom while we talk?" I nod my head yes. Yeah right, like I'm gonna leave and miss out on this. I give her knee a supportive squeeze and turn around. I look at Kennedy through the window and motion her to come inside. She jumps out of the car and runs up to the door. She doesn't knock, which is fine, she just walks in and before she says a word I stand up and back up a little bit so that I can see both of them. I'm not going to just let them have this talk in my house without laying down some ground rules first. I know they need to talk to each other, and Willow needs to get out the anger, but I have a kid here, I can't just let them fight.
"Ok, some rules before you two start. No yelling. If either of you get pissed off and start raising your voices then you'll either have to stop talking for now or go somewhere else because I'm not going to let you get into a fight here, Mattie's upset by this situation enough as it is. No door slamming, keep the insults and bad language to a minimum." They both give me this small smile. So I'm tame now, so fucking what? "If you guys do resolve this and need some...private time, Red cast a barrier spell around your room ‘cause Mattie hears enough from me and B. Ok, I'll be in the bedroom - actually I better wait outside, ‘cause if Buffy comes home and sees Kennedy here...I don't think I need to say more."
I give them a small smile and then walk into the kitchen. I open up the cupboard above the microwave and pull out a fresh pack of cigarettes and a new lighter. Then I go outside and sit on the steps of the front porch. I decide not to listen in on their conversation because if I was having problems like that with B I would want some privacy. Then I realize, I am having problems with B. What I did to her...I feel sick every time I think about it. I can't really explain why I did what I did. I remember having that dream, I remember lying on the floor of that small room and him walking away from me but instead of being quiet I call out to him, I try to get him to stay. I remember feeling all alone and scared and abandoned, and like I was nothing. I remember wanting to jump up off of the floor but it's like I was paralyzed and he stopped walking and was just standing at the door, trying to decide if he should stay or not. Buffy woke me up before I could see if he stayed with me or just abandoned me.
After that it gets kind of hazy. I remember needing to feel her, needing to touch her. I needed it so badly that I felt like I would die inside if I didn't get it. It was like there was this empty hold in the pit of my stomach gnawing away at my inside and getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it felt like I was empty, nothing, and her touch and taste would have made it all better. She would have made me whole again. So I started to kiss her and then it was like I became someone else, like something was possessing me. I was able to overcome it a couple of times, but only when she stopped me from what was happening. After I got control I would go slow again, be soft and gentle like she asked me to and then it was like something just took over and I didn't have any control over anything that I was doing. It felt like I was a third person looking in, like I was being pushed to the back of my mind and forced to watch as something else ravished my girl. Pretty fucked up huh? Maybe I am going crazy again.
I turn around when I hear the front door open and out walks Mattie. He knows not to be around me when I'm smoking so instead of standing next to me where he'll inhale the smoke he stands out in the yard, at least five feet away. I worry a little because he's out of my arms' length and it's night, but I know that if anything where to happen I'd be down there within the blink of an eye, possibly quicker, and he can defend himself a little. He doesn't say a word as he sits down on the grass and crosses his legs Indian style. He rests his elbows on his knees and then his chin in his hands, he looks bored, but also a little worried. I'm about to ask why he came out here but he beats me to it.
"They're gonna start yelling soon. Can you feel it?" I furrow my eyebrows at him, confused by the question. But I concentrate anyway and let my slayer senses crawl their way into the house. Things are getting tense, there's this negative energy in the air and Willow's getting pretty pissed off. Kennedy's trying to explain why she was feeling like that and Willow is getting mad because Kennedy isn't explaining herself right. She just can't say the right thing. Yep, there's going to be yelling soon, the feeling is definitely in the air. You can almost count down to it just by the feel of the energy. You can feel it building and building and soon there's gonna be-
"Oh my God!" Oh yeah, Willow's pissed. I hope they don't break anything, I'm in the dog house as it is. "We were in a relationship Kennedy, when you're in a relationship you tell your partner what you're feeling. You don't just keep shit like that bottled up!" Ok, that's like two of my rules being broken at the same time. "If we're going to make this work then you have to be able to trust me! I might not understand why you're feeling certain things but that doesn't mean I'm going to be mad at you for feeling them! I'm sorry that I wasn't around as much because of my job, I'm sorry that you were ignored, but I didn't see you reaching out. I didn't see you trying to get my attention to talk to me. You never said a word, you said you were happy for me. How am I supposed to know that you're feeling ignored and abandoned when you tell me that you're happy for me and that everything is ok?!"
I hear her take a deep breath. Now that she's gotten the yelling out of her system they'll be able to talk about this a little more rationally. Her voice is lower when she starts talking again so I stop listening. I look over at Mattie and he lets out a little sigh. I take the last drag of my cigarette and smash out the cherry on the porch and then put the butt in this little flowerpot that I use as an ashtray. I hold out my arms to him and he stands up and walks towards me. I wrap my arms around my boy, and turn him so that his back his against my chest. I give him a kiss on the side of the head and rest my chin on his shoulder. He wraps his arms around him and sits down in my lap.
It's nice just holding him like this, having this quiet moment to ourselves without all the drama and the noise. I feel him let out a small sigh. He turns his head a little and nuzzles his nose into my neck. I tighten my grip on him a little and I smile a small happy smile. Even with everything as crazy as it is I can always count on him to cheer me up some even if it's just being quiet like we are now. I almost want to scream when I feel him tense up, and only seconds after that I feel that familiar little tickle at the back of my neck. It isn't who I thought it was going to be though, which is good.
"Don't worry, baby, he's not going to hurt you," I whisper into Mattie's ear and he relaxes a little bit but the slayer inside of him is still on alert, so is mine but there's nothing I can do about that. Whenever a vampire is near I can feel her screaming out to me, telling me take action. I've learned to control it, but it's that voice, that desire for the hunt that's gotten me into trouble in the past. "So are you going to say hello or just stand in the shadows all night?" I feel my boy tense up some more as Angel gets closer. I run the back of my fingers down his arm, trying to sooth him. It works a little but I can tell that me and B are going to have to sit down and explain to Mattie what it is he's feeling whenever a vampire is near.
"Hello Faith. Who's this?" He knows who Mattie is, Buffy's sent him and the L.A. gang pictures over the years and the Queen C herself even made an appearance about two years ago, right before me and B hit that ‘rough patch' in our relationship. Anyway, Angel is just trying to be polite which is nice, but the fact that he doesn't seem as broody as usual is kind of freaking me out. He's trying to act like something isn't wrong which always means that something is very wrong. I whisper in Mattie's ear and he relaxes a little more. I tell him that this is a good guy, a nice man who is a friend of his mommy's and even though he's sending off the warning signals he isn't going to hurt us.
"My name's Matthew, what's yours?" he asks and then stands up off of my lap and holds out his hand for Angel to shake. Angel looks at me and raises his eyebrow a little bit. I'm too busy smiling at my boy with a mother's pride to really respond to that. But Angel is respectful, like almost always, and bends down a little bit so he can shake Mattie's hand.
"I'm Angel." Mattie must give him a funny look or something. "Yeah, I get that a lot." I chuckle a little bit and Mattie sits down next to me. Now that he's in the presence of another guy he's going to try and act all big, and independent and grown up. It's really cute to watch. He puffs out his chest a little bit, tries to make himself look bigger, and he sits up really straight to make himself look taller.
He's around girls all of the time so whenever a guy does come over he tries to act like just another one of the guys, a buddy, someone that they'll respect and won't treat like a kid. Well, he acts like that with almost every guy. Like I said before, there's an exception to everything and this time Xander is that exception. Mattie doesn't like Xander and we can't figure out why. I sigh a deep sigh when I feel Angel's demeanor shift. He's serious now, so the reason for him coming here is about to be revealed.
"Hey Matthew." The tone of his voice is serious, but not mean or anything. He's talking to my boy as if he isn't five, like he is an adult and my respect for Angel grows a little more. "Why don't you go inside? I need to talk to your mom." He nods his little head and then gets up. He gives me this look though, and I know what he means by it. That's his slayer side coming out a little more, and he's silently telling me that he's going to be listening in, making sure that I'm ok, that if anything bad does happen then he'll be out here to help. He goes inside and closes the door. Angel sighs an unneeded sigh, I hate it when he does that. He looks over at me with...disappointment? What the fuck did I do?
"I'm only going to say this once so you better listen real good." I don't like where this is going. He may be a good guy and he saved me from my old way of living, but what makes him think that he can just come to my home and talk to me this way? I stand up and look him square in the eye. It isn't a challenge, well sort of, it's more of like a demand for respect. He sighs again but his tone is still the same and I can see that he's sizing me up. He hasn't done that in a really long time.
"I ran into Buffy." I tense up and now I hate where this is going. "She didn't tell me everything, just enough for me to get a really good idea of what's going on." Oh really? Are you sure about that big guy? He doesn't know what's going on because he doesn't live up here, he doesn't see us everyday and talk to us on a regular basis. "Redemption is hard Faith, I know that better then anyone. Things from your past are going to catch up to you, things that you thought were buried." So he got one thing right, big fucking deal. "Buffy loves you." Yeah, everybody with eyes knows this. Where has he been? "She thinks she's losing you to whatever is going on that you don't want to tell her about, and I think she's right."
"Oh you do, do you?" His jaw is set and his muscles are tensing a little bit. He doesn't like the fact that I'm questioning him on this. How much did Buffy tell him? Did she just bump into and give him a run down of our sex life? Ok, I understand that she needs to talk to someone about it. What happened was fucked up and really horrible and she probably as all of these emotions running inside of her now and she needs to vent, but to him? I've always been jealous of Angel when it comes to all things Buffy. He was her first, her first love, her first lover. We were becoming friends before he got back from hell and then things went downhill from there because she was distant and quiet and wouldn't tell me what was going on. Suddenly I feel like the world's biggest bitch because I've kind of been doing the same to her. Ok, I've been doing exactly the same to her, only there isn't a ‘back from hell vampire' involved.
"Yeah I do." His tone is hard and I know that this could be leading to a fight if we're not careful. "Whatever is going on, whatever you're feeling you need to find a way to deal with it. You need to talk to her about it, let her in, tell her what's going on with you because she might be able to help. Talk about it with her, talk about it with Kennedy or whoever you hang out with a lot but just talk about it. Don't take it out on Buffy. I know you love her Faith, I know she's loves you. You're important to her, she doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. She wants to help, I get that, I understand where she stands. But I'm warning you now that if you hurt her, if you break that trust, if you violate her again, you will pay." I get angry because nobody talks to me that way. The only person I've ever let talk to me like that is Buffy, and is he Buffy? Is he a five three little blonde who always smells like lavender and can't cook to save her life? No, I didn't fucking think so.
"Now you listen to me." My voice is angry, threatening. Before I really know what's happening he's grabbed onto my upper arms and slams me against the wall. My head bounces off of it. That really hurt, what the hell is he doing? I try to fight, to get him to let go but he holds me there. His eyes are so intense, like all of this rage is just bubbling under the surface and if I'm not careful he'll take it all out on me. I hear the front door open and I feel Mattie's presence come out of the house. I calm down and Angel loosens his grip on my arms but he doesn't let go. "Go back inside Mattie, everything's fine." My voice is lighter then before because I'm forcing myself to stay calm. But he doesn't move, he just stands there, staring at Angel. "Now Matthew." This time my voice was a little more commanding and he knows that I only call him Matthew when I'm dead serious. I hear him walk back into the house and close the door.
"You don't get a say in this Faith. You deal with your issues and you start soon because if I find out that you've hurt Buffy like you did last night I will come back here and I will make you pay. You understand me?" I know he's serious, I know he will do unthinkable things to me if I hurt her, because he's still in love with her, always will be. I relax under his grip and he starts to let go. I slowly nod my head and I'm about to tell him what happened last night. Ok, well not an overly detailed run down of what happened, but I was going to tell him what I was feeling, that it felt like something was taking me over. But I never get the chance to. Buffy walks up behind us, and she's pissed off right away by what she sees.
"Hey! Get off of her!" She grabs Angel by the shoulder and pulls him back. He lets go of me and takes a couple of steps way from us. She's standing at least five feet away from me, he's at least six. She's looking at both of like we're a couple of kids who just got caught jumping on the brand new furniture or something. Great, here comes the ‘better than thou' attitude, just what I need to make this night complete. "You have no right coming here and...what, threatening her? I didn't tell you those things so you could play the hero, Angel. I can take care of myself." Go Buffy go, go Buffy go, I repeat in my head. Suddenly I'm liking the attitude. I give him this smile, this total ‘haha you just got yelled at' smile and he just frowns and looks away. I'm feeling a little good about myself after seeing him get chastised like that. Then she turns to me.
"And you." She sounds like a very pissed off mother right now, like we were stealing cookies before dinner or some shit like that, she's pointing her finger at me and everything. I give her this ‘what did I do?' sort of look. "You need to tell me what the hell is going on with you. I can't take it anymore Faith. I can't take all of the secrets and the hidden pain, and all of the anger. Last night was the final straw. I love you, you know that, but if something doesn't change and real quick then I don't think this is going to work anymore. You need to find a way to deal with your issues because I will not be your emotional punching bag." I look away from her, feeling a little ashamed of myself, as I should. I look over at the vamp and he's giving me this look, this smug ‘I told you so' smirk. God I really want to punch him right about now. She seems to sense that and she looks over at him and gives him a glare.
"I'll be in town for the next couple of days." He informs us as if we really needed to know. "Buffy, if you need to talk..." And then he walks off. I respect Angel a whole hell of a lot but I don't really like him all that much. He just gets on my nerves, ya know? He thinks that just because him and Buffy have all of this history that he has the right to just rush in and play the fucking knight in shining armor whenever things are rough. I do have to give him some credit though, because if I were Angel I don't think I'd be able to be calm around the person she's with. And I can understand where he's coming from because if I ever found out that someone she loves hurt her, violated her like the way I did...well all there would be is a dead body. The door opens and out walks Willow and Kennedy, holding hands no less. Kennedy is smiling but Willow looks a little more serious. Buffy looks pissed off and I step closer to her just in case she tries to kill Kennedy.
"So, we're going now." Willow says and then lets go of Kennedy's hand. She gives Buffy this big hug. "Thanks for all of the help and letting me stay here. I'll stop by tomorrow and pick up my stuff. And don't worry, I'll fill you in on everything." She lets go of Buffy and steps over to me. We hug but it's awkward. "Thanks Faith." She whispers before she pulls away. She takes Kennedy by the hand and we all say our goodbyes as they walk away. I feel a little bit of hope starting to rise up inside me, please no puns, it's irritating. But if those two can work through their issues together and come out standing strong, then maybe me and Buffy can. I just need to open up with her. It's not going to be easy, I know that, but it needs to be done. I just don't want her to feel sorry for me. I don't want her to get that look in her eyes, like she's looking at me like I'm some poor little wounded creature. I don't want to be her charity chase.
