BPOV
This is not how a Friday night is supposed to be. I just know it, I've seen it in movies and television. On Fridays the parents are supposed to hire a babysitter to watch the kid/kids and then go out for a nice romantic dinner, maybe take a stroll in the park afterwards, or even just go out to see a movie, it doesn't matter what they do as long as they're spending that time together, and they're happy. That's how I always pictured spending my Friday nights anyway.
After Faith and I changed Matthew for bed and gave him his goodnight kisses and turned out his light we went into our bedroom. I gave him dinner before I went on patrol, I haven't eaten anything since last night, I don't know about Faith. Anyway, after we tucked him in we walked out into the kitchen for whatever reason. We sat down at the kitchen table, she was staring at her fingernails, unsure of what to say. I didn't know how to start either. So we just sat there, in silence for a good fifteen minutes. I don't think I've had a more awkward moment in my life. So, here we are, staring at each other, neither of us know what to say but we need to talk. God, I hate that irony.
"So, I've been thinking." She says and I get a little tense. That's another line you're not supposed to start a conversation with, it's bad juju. Dammit, from now on that word is going to be stuck in my head. I'm never watching Grey's Anatomy with her again. "I've been trying to think of something to say to you since after you left." She doesn't mean when I left to patrol, she means after I left the bedroom last night. "I've been trying to figure out what happened. It just...it doesn't make sense." No it doesn't, it doesn't at all, and I would really like to know what was going on with her when it happened. But I have to give her some credit here. She's starting to open up at least and I know that this isn't easy for her. "I had a dream, more like a memory from when I was fourteen. I woke up feeling...needy. I needed you so bad right then but I didn't know how to say it. So I tried to show you." She pauses and I wait for her to continue. She gets these tears in her eyes and I can feel my heart start to crumble, and there's this tightness in my stomach.
"It's like, I wasn't myself." No shit? "I know how that sounds all cliché and shit, but...it's hard to explain." She takes in a deep breath and then lets it out really slowly. Her eyes aren't on me anymore like they had been when she started. She's trying to find a way to tell me what was going on and I don't think she can. "Ok, before I started to kiss you I was myself, but when I started touching you...it felt like something was possessing me, something was using me and making me be rough. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't, and the only time I gained control again was when you stopped me. I would have stopped there, but I really needed you, and every time I tried to be gentle something would just come over me, take over me, and....I'm sorry, ok? I get that you're pissed and I deserve it and a whole lot more. I'm so sorry. You know that I would never hurt you like that on my own right?" She looks at me with those big eyes that have this pleading look in them. I want to tell her yes, that I know she would never do that on purpose, but I have to be honest, even if the look she's going to get on her face breaks my heart.
"Honestly? I don't know anymore Faith." Her face drops and she looks down at her fingernails again. "Faith, look at me." She looks up and she has tears streaming down her face. I want to take her in my arms and kiss them away, but I can't, not right now at least. "Things have been so crazy the last week or so. You've been dealing with a lot, and I know the Kennedy thing hit you hard and that you feel partly responsible." She looks at me with surprise. Yeah Faith ‘cause I don't know how you feel about that. She thinks I'm just so clueless. Maybe I need to die my hair brown, maybe then she'd give me more credit.
"But there's other stuff going on with you too. Stuff that I don't know about. Things from your past." She looks away again, and I continue. I know that she's listening so I don't worry about being ignored. "I know it was horrible, I get that. I know that you're having a hard time dealing with it now, for whatever reasons." I stop because I don't really know what to say. I see her bring her hand up to her face and she wipes her tears away and then wipes at her nose and sniffles.
"Who's Billy?" She snaps her head up and looks at me with some shock. "Last night, when you were dreaming, you were calling out to someone named Billy. Who's Billy?" She looks away from me. Her breathing is a lot harder now and I can see a vein in her neck start to stick out. She doesn't say anything though, and even though I would really like to talk about it and get her to open up about her past right now, something she said in her explanation is really starting to bother me. "When you said that it felt like you were being possessed, do you mean like supernaturally possessed or some stuff from your past was catching up with you and you just sort of took it out on me?" She looks into my eyes and then she looks away while she thinks.
"Supernaturally." I sigh a very small sigh of relief. Don't get me wrong, I think it's horrible that something is doing that to her, but at least a supernatural problem can be taken care of almost right away and we do know one of the post powerful witches to ever exist so that helps. "It was like someone was trying to force their way inside me, to make me do things to you that I normally wouldn't. When I bit down on you like that...I would never do that. I'm not some fuckin vampire, and you know that I always keep my nipping soft so I don't hurt you." I'm starting to connect a couple of dots here. The biting followed by the licking and the holding my arms above my head, and the way she was moving so fast and rough. I hope I'm wrong because if I'm not I'm going to be very, very pissed off.
"How do we find out who did it?" I'm mostly talking to myself. I have no idea how we're supposed to figure this out. We could call Willow but I'm sure she's busy with Kennedy and I don't want to ruin that. But at the same time, something is after Faith and I want it to stop and right now. She has enough on her plate without having to deal with this too. I know, we're slayers and we're supposed to balance out the ‘having a normal life' and ‘dealing with vamps and demons and crazy magic stuff', but this is different. This is scary, it's making her do things against her will, things that she would never do. I sigh again and run a hand through my hair.
"I'll call Willow tomorrow, have her come over and see if she can get a read on whatever is going on. It might not happen again but I don't want to chance it. We still have a lot to talk about, Faith. You know that right?" She nods her head yes and looks away from me. She wants to protect me from her past because she's afraid that I won't understand, and maybe I won't necessarily understand every little thing and why they happened but I'll try and I'll help her and support her even if I don't understand. "Let's just go to bed now. I'm exhausted."
We turn out the lights in the living room and kitchen and go into our bedroom. There's still some tension between us, I can feel it and I know she does too. We change into our pajamas in silence, which is weird. I don't like this tension at all. Usually there's some playful banter about what we're going to wear to bed. She always teases me because I still wear my yummy sushi pajamas, and my Carebear pajamas, and my birthday cake pajamas. Ok, I have a lot of pajamas that are supposed to be for kids but they're my size. So what? Anyway, we get into bed and turn out our lamps at the same time. That's never happened before.
I can tell she needs me. I can tell she's scared about what's happening to her, that something might be trying to take her over to get to me. She needs comfort but I don't think I can give it to her. I'm just as scared as she is. I'm afraid of losing her, I'm afraid for her, but at the same time I'm also afraid that if we do touch then whatever is trying to take her over will come back. Maybe I'm the trigger to this. Maybe it will wait until we're touching and then make its move. We haven't touched all day long so we can't be sure. But she needs me and I would never deny her comfort when she truly needs it, not when the situation is this terrifying.
I scoot closer to her and wrap one arm around her waist and use the other to wrap it under her neck and down her chest and I hold her hand. She tenses up but I don't let go. After a minute or two she relaxes and leans into my body. There are a couple of things that are still bothering me. About her past, about why she won't tell me. We used to talk all the time, she used to ask me questions about my past, about my life in Hemery, about what it was like before my father left us. I would tell her, even the painful memories that I've always kept inside, but then she stopped asking when I started asking about her. I guess she thinks that if she doesn't ask then I won't ask. And I haven't for a long time. Sometimes when we go to the park she'll watch the kids play and all of the mothers and fathers that are there too and she gets this sad look on her face. I'll ask her what's the matter but she says that everything is ok and for the rest of the time she wears this fake smile on her face.
I give her a small kiss at the bottom of her neck where her neck meets her shoulder. She tightens her grip on my hand a little and I squeeze back. My other hand is on her stomach and I'm absently rubbing soft circles with my thumb. My hand slips under her shirt a little bit and I continue the soft stroking. She seems to be relaxing a little more and that's good. I don't want her to feel afraid to touch me just because something is going on that she can't control. I don't want her to feel like she's in this alone and that I won't help her. I shift around a little bit to try and make myself a little more comfortable. She moves with me so we don't break contact for a second. Now that I've stopped moving my hand is a little higher on her stomach and I feel the bottom of her bellybutton. I start to make slow soft circles around it and she tenses up and pulls away from me. She does that whenever I touch her bellybutton, what is it with her and not wanting me to touch there?
"What's wrong?" I ask and open my eyes. Her back is still facing me but she's moved a couple inches away. She doesn't say anything and I sigh. I know I should be understanding, she probably went through hell as a child but I'm getting frustrated, and because I'm so frustrated it's really hard to be understanding. I keep reaching out, I'm making an effort to try and help her and I've let her know that I'll listen no matter what and that I won't judge her for things that happened in her past, but she just keeps me away, she thickens her walls.
"I can't help you unless you talk to me, and you're probably not going to get any better unless you talk about it. I want to be the one that you open up to, I want to be the one to help you but if you don't think I can, if you don't think I'll understand then maybe you should see a therapist or something." I don't sound angry like I thought I was going to. I sound...tired, and soft. I hear her sigh and sniffle a little bit. Then she rolls over and buries her face in my neck and wraps her arms around me and clings onto me like I'm a teddy bear. All I can do is rub her back and try to sooth her. I can feel her tears n my neck, I can feel her heavy breathing as she tries to calm herself down. I hate seeing her like this because it hurts so much. I hate feeling helpless, and that's what I feel right now because nothing I do seems to be helping. "Please baby, I just wanna help you." We're quiet for a few minutes and then I feel her take in a really deep breath and let it out very slowly. Her muscles relax and I think she's starting to fall asleep.
"It's just...so hard." Ok, so maybe she's still awake after all. I continue to rub her back in small circles and apply a little bit of pressure with my fingers just how she likes whenever she's upset and I'm comforting her. A rare thing but it still happens. In the last seven years whenever she gets upset she'll go off and be by herself. She'll take out her aggression on the punching bag or on the vampires and later on when she's calm we'll hold each other but she's no longer in the need for comfort. So it's rare that I ever do need to comfort her but I always do when she needs it, even if she doesn't ask for it.
"I know it's hard. Just take your time. I'm not rushing you or anything. I just want to know what's been bothering you so bad lately. Start small, like, how come you don't like it when I touch your bellybutton?" By the way she just sighed I have a feeling that isn't starting small. But she doesn't disagree or tense up or anything. I keep rubbing her back and I gently kiss her on the head and she takes in a deep breath. She nuzzles my neck with her nose. I let out a small sigh, I like it when she does that it feels nice.
"That's a little complicated. It's not that I don't like you touching it, I don't like it being touched by anyone." She pauses and takes another deep breath. Her foot is starting to shake a little bit, she's getting anxious and she's starting to stress out. I continue to rub her back and I tighten my grip on her a little. It's the only thing I can do to at the moment. "Back is Boston." This sounds like the beginning of a long story, I'm not complaining or anything, I was just sort of hoping we'd start small since we're both tired from last night's and today's events, that's all. I relax a little more and prepare myself for the heavy emotions, I'm not going to stop her since she's finally ready to open up, even if I am tired there's no way I'm going to make her stop.
"I used to hang out with these kids, I was the baby of the group, they were all a couple years older then me, I was fourteen. We used to cause a little bit of trouble. We'd break windows and spray paint buildings, just kid stuff. One day at school I missed lunch ‘cause I got called to the principal's office for clogging all of the water fountains with some paste I made outta flour and water. Anyway, I was hungry but didn't have any money and there was never anything ta eat at my house so I started to walk around the busier sidewalks and picked some pockets. This guy caught me doin it to this college girl but he didn't call me out on it. He asked if I've ever stolen anything more then just a couple bucks and I told him no. We sorta became friends after that. I guess that's what you could call us. He was good at pickin out the people who carried a lota cash on them and I was good at stealin it so we worked as a team." She pauses and takes another really deep breath. I hear her swallow hard and I'm assuming that this is the part that's going to get really heavy with emotions.
"One day we were inna Star Bucks and I tried to get this guy's wallet. I got distracted for a second and he caught me so me and Billy took off runnin'. A cop was chasing after us but we were faster then him ‘case we were smaller so it was easier for us to weave around all the people in the way. We hopped a fence and ran into this little shed lookin thing. It was small and dark and there wasn't a whole lota room. I was nervous as hell, my hands were shakin a little bit. I grew up hangin around boys, and most of ‘em just saw me as another one of the guys, but Billy always looked at me different. He noticed when my tits started growing and I started to fill out. And I'd never really been interested in boys in a sexual way. I figured that all of ‘em were dogs ‘cause my mom was always getting used. But Billy was different. He always took care of me. He always made sure that I had food to eat and he helped when I was hurtin from when my mom drank and shit." She's told me a little about her mom and from what I understand her mom was an alcoholic and very abusive.
"Anyways, we were sittin in this little shed, hiding from the cops, we're really close to each other and I look up at him and look into his eyes and then he leaned down and he kissed me. I'd never been kissed before so it was new and a little weird but I liked it. I pulled back to catch my breath and then he leaned in and kissed me again. He moved closer and I felt his erection against my leg. I didn't know what it was at the time so I jumped back. He told me not to be scared, that he'd take care of me, that he'd never let anything bad happen. He told me to just go with it." That's what she told me last night when she was being rough, I can still hear her voice ‘just got with it, B'. I try not to shudder. I stopped moving my hands a couple minutes ago and now we're completely still as she tells me her story.
"He pulled off my shirt and started to kiss my breasts, he was so gentle, I'd never felt anything like it before. But I panicked and said that we should just leave, but he calmed me down and unzipped his pants. He told me he'd be gentle, and even though I was scared I didn't fight against him, and he took off my jeans. I started to freak a little when he pulled at the waistband of my underwear and asked him about a condom like they talked about in health class, he told me he'd pull out right before so everything would be fine. I told him that it would hurt and there might be blood, he told me again that he'd be gentle. We started kissing again and he started pulling at my underwear a little bit. I pulled back and looked into his eyes and nodded my head. He pulled them down and scooted down my body a little so he could take ‘em all the way off. He left a little barely there kiss on my bellybutton, this little feather light touch." Her voice was distant as she let the memory flood her mind. Then it became heavy and thick as she started to get overwhelmed.
"It hurt but I didn't stop him and he pulled out right before he climaxed like he promised. He laid down next to me and I tried to get him to hold me but he got mad. No, not really mad, he just got...irritated? I don't know, he gave me this ‘what the fuck are you doing?' kinda look and then he got dressed. I thought I did something wrong, that I wasn't any good. I asked him about it and he said: ‘yeah, you were real good. You were so fuckin tight. Maybe we'll do this again, but right now we gotta go, so get your ass dressed'. I couldn't look at him after that, and he just left, said something about me walkin home by myself. I never saw him again." She let out a sob and the tears were starting up again and running down her face and onto my neck. I can't believe someone would just do that, and she was only fourteen, that must have been so hard for her. She sniffles really loudly and coughs a little bit. She leans more into my body, like she's trying to mold into me or something. "I thought he cared, I thought he really fucking cared. He told me he'd always take care of me, he told me he wouldn't let any of my mom's boyfriends do anything bad to me. I felt so stupid, I felt like a fucking whore after he left because I let myself think that he loved me."
Her walls finally crumble. She finally lets it all out. She starts sobbing very hard. Her entire body is shaking and she's having a really hard time breathing. I'm doing the best I can to calm her down but I know that she needs to get all of this out so I just let her cry against me. I can't help but tear up as well. I try to hold mine back because I need to be strong for her, but it's really hard, and I don't think I can. Seeing her like this, hearing her sobs, feeling her shake against me as she lets go of the pain that she's been holding in for so long...it's overwhelming, but I'm glad that it's finally happened because now, hopefully, she'll be able to breathe a little easier.
FPOV
I wake up feeling like for the first time in a long I could breathe. I stretch out and something's wrong. I can't tell what because I am in no way a morning person and because of last night I'm exhausted as hell. I don't open my eyes when I feel movement on the bed because I know it's just B stretching out too. At least I think it's Buffy, I don't know it's still too early. I feel something pressing on my shoulders, what the hell? It's too early to be up, I can tell. My brain doesn't want to work right now, I just wanna go back to sleep. Just because I feel like I can breathe doesn't mean I'm all refreshed and energized. I flutter my eyes open and see two huge brown eyes staring at me an inch and half away from my face. All of that breath I was talking about having leaves my body as I scream.
"Oh my God! Holy Shit!" I jump back so that I'm sitting in the middle of the bed. I put a hand on my chest as I try to control my breathing. Mattie runs from the room, crying and calling out for Buffy. My heart is pouting a million beats a minute and I can't hear anything but the blood rushing through my veins. I look over at the open door and see Buffy walk in, holding Mattie who has his face buried in her neck. She's rubbing his back and trying to calm him down.
"Faith, you scared him." What?! What kind of shit is that? I mean, I feel bad for scaring him, don't get me wrong, but she doesn't have any sympathy for me. He almost gave me a heart attack. Now he's sucking up to her and getting her to be mean to me. That kid’s clever, I'll give him that. He always gets me into trouble that way. We're like best buds and whatnot but he tells on me whenever he can. Sometimes having a kid sucks a lot because they get you in trouble with your woman.
"I scared him? He scared me! I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack." She rolls her eyes and gives him a little kiss on the temple. She whispers something into his ear but I don't hear what she said because my heart is still pumping too fast. My breathing is starting to slow down a little which is good because I'm starting to feel lightheaded. I think I might pass out. She puts him down and he runs out of the room. She smiles and runs up to the bed. She jumps up and lands on her knees and bounces a little bit. She's acting like a total kid and it's cute to see. She gets into these moods sometimes, and I know exactly what she wants. Her smile changes a little, it isn't as innocent as she crawls her way up the bed making sure to bend just right so I can see down her shirt. She sits in my lap and rests her head on my shoulder. She starts toying with the collar of my shirt, running her index finger along the top of it and passing over my cleavage. Yep, I know exactly what she wants.
"Faithy." Oh yeah, she's definitely trying to butter me up. Well keep trying baby-girl because it isn't going to happen, not this time. "Dawn agreed to watch Mattie for us. She's going to take him over to her house so he can play with Kyle's niece." She's good, very sneaky. She's using two fingers now and they're lightly brushing against the tops of my breasts. I can feel my face start to blush a little bit. She knows exactly what she's doing to me, and there's nothing I can do to make it stop. I'm nothing but clay to be molded in her slender hands. "Giles sent us a check, lets go cash it. I want you to go shopping with me. It'll be fun. Please, Faithy." She's begging and she's shifting in my lap a little bit. I force my hips to stay still.
"Baby, I'm still feeling a little tired. Can we just stay home today?" Now that she's gotten me all hot and bothered and I really don't want to leave this room. She lifts her head up and looks into my eyes. She smiles this devilish smile and claims my lips with her own. I kiss her back, it's slow, and soft and it's starting to grow in passion. My hands work their way up the back of her shirt and I start to massage her warm skin. I moan when I feel her start to lightly squeeze one of my breasts. She pulls back and is panting a little. She rests her forehead on mine. I lightly nip at her bottom lip and she pulls back, just out of reach. Then the little fox starts to tease. She lightly brushes her lips up against mine but when I try to kiss her back she pulls away a little. This goes on for a minute or two until we're interrupted.
"That's gross." We hear the voice from the door and we both roll our eyes. I wrap my arms around Buffy's waist to keep her there and she turns in my lap so she can look back towards the door. "Are you going to go shopping or not? Because I'm not taking Matthew to my house so you two can have sex." I get along with Dawn, and she's like a little sister to me but there are times I really just want to strangle her. Like right now for instance. Buffy must be glaring at her or something, and I know I probably am. I'm not really paying attention to my facial expression at the moment because one of Buffy's hands has snuck its way up my shirt on the side that Dawn can't see because Buffy's body is blocking the view, and she's softly teasing the side of my breast with her thumb, moving tantalizingly slow towards my nipple.
"Alright fine I'll take him. What time do you want him home tomorrow?" I stop paying attention to the conversation because Buffy's thumb is teasing my areola. The skin gets painfully tight and I can feel my wetness growing. Dawn better leave soon or she's going to get a show that she'd rather not see. I see Dawn leave and as soon as the door is closed I flip Buffy over onto her back and start to quickly kiss her. She thinks she can tease and get away with it? I think not. She's grinding against me slowly and it's driving me crazy. I pull back so we can breathe and the bedroom door opens. Mattie runs up and jumps on the bed. He's laughing and pretending to cough and look grossed out. I grab him and hold him up in the air and shake him a little bit. He starts cracking up and I fall onto my back, still holding him in the air. I lift my feet up and rest his belly on the bottoms of them and hold onto his arms so he doesn't fall. I wiggle my toes so they tickle him and he starts laughing again.
"Mama," he says around his laughter. I love his voice when he tries not to laugh, it's so cute. God, I really have gone soft, haven't I? "Aunt Dawn's waitin for me. She said that we're gonna have ice cream and watch movies and stay up late." Sounds like a plan to me. I look over at Buffy and she doesn't look too happy about the plan. I roll my eyes. Dawn's his aunt she's supposed to spoil him that's what aunts are for. I wiggle my toes some more and he starts laughing again. Buffy snuggles up close to me so she can see his face better. We both smile at him as he laughs and squirms around, trying to get away, but I have a good hold on him. Yep, we did good, damn good. He's going to be very handsome when he gets older. A little heartbreaker, he does look mostly like me after all. The little girlies will be all over him. I stop tickling him and carefully let go of his arms and quickly grab onto his sides so he doesn't fall. I lift him up and put him down so he's sitting on my stomach, one leg on each side.
"You be good for your aunt Dawn, ok?" Buffy tells him and he nods his head. But then he looks over at me and I give him a little wink. He smiles and then leans down and wraps him arms around my neck in a big hug. I wrap my arms around him and then he pulls back. He gets off of me and crawls off of the bed. B and me get up too and follow him out to the living room where Dawn is waiting. We give him some more hugs and some kisses goodbye, he waves as he walks out the door and then Dawn helps him strap up the booster seat in the backseat of her car. He looks at us through the car window and waves one last time as she drives off. I turn to Buffy and smile. I lean in and place a gentle kiss on her lips. She responds and we start making-out a little here on the front porch. But then I get a great idea. I pull back really fast and before she knows what's going on I'm back in the house and the front door is locked.
As I run off to the bedroom I can hear her yelling at me and pounding on the front door. I smile a wicked smile and go over to the closet. After that one night when I bought that lace bra and panties I took a little trip back to the store and picked up some other things. I remembered what she wanted me to wear. We went shopping about two weeks after that night and I acted like I didn't want to go, made a big fit out it. She dragged me into the Victoria's Secret so she could pick up some things for herself. We browsed around for a little and she kept making comments like ‘you'd look so sexy in this Faith' or ‘hmm, just the thought of you in this makes me want to eat you up'. So I went back to the store and bought some of the things. And she must really like me in red because ninety percent of everything she commented on was red. And what really got her juices flowing was this little red lace babydoll.
I slip out of my shirt and toss it onto the chair. I slip into the garment and smile a little. I walk over to the vanity and tease my hair a little and run my fingers through it so it doesn't look as nappy. I close the curtains and leave the room. I throw on my bathrobe and go out into the living room. She's still pounding on the door. I close the curtains on the big front window and it becomes really dark in the room. I walk over to the door and put on hand around the knob. I put my other hand on the switch to the deadbolt. I smiled a little. She calmed down a little when she felt my presence.
"Buffy, wait fifteen seconds and then walk to the bedroom, I have a surprise." I say the word ‘surprise' in a singsong voice. I run off towards the bedroom and close the door. I light a couple of the candles and blow out the match, and then I lay down in the middle of the bed. I lay on my side so I can see the door. I have my right thigh slightly crossed over the left. My right calf is on top of left with my right foot pointed back. I'm propping my head in my left hand, the right one is resting on my hip as I wait for her to walk into the room. I hear her open and then close the front door. She walks through the living room and then over the linoleum of the kitchen and then she's walking down the hall. As she gets closer to the bedroom door she slows down. The door slowly opens and she gasps when she sees me. She just stands there staring at my body. I feel myself growing wet as she eyes me up and down. I smile a very satisfied smile and I flutter my eyelashes a little.
"You like?" I ask and my voice snaps her out of the little daze she was in. I start to laugh as she lunges at the bed. I lay on my back and she's above me, on her hands and knees so she can look down at my body. I can smell her arousal, and the animalistic look in her eyes. She wants me, she wants me bad and I'm ready for her. I want her just as badly as she wants me, possibly even more. I reach out and wrap my hand on the back of her neck and gently pull her lips down to mine. We kiss deeply and she eases her body down on top of mine. She starts grinding against me, I can feel her heat on me, and the smell is taking over the room.
I pull back to catch my breath and she's panting as hard as I am. She's still grinding herself against me, craving friction, needing my touch. I kiss her again and while our eyes are closed and our tongues swirl together I slowly let my hand wander down her torso, barely touching her flesh as it makes it way down her hot body. I gently scrape the back of my fingernails over her scorching skin. I turn my hand around and gently stroke her abdomen. My fingertips leave little butterfly touches as they go lower. She moans against my mouth as I slowly go past the elastic of her panties. I gently run my fingers through her curls and she grinds against my hand, trying to gain some type of friction. I smile and pull back from the kiss. I leave soft little love bites on her throat and at the same time I barely rub her slit with my middle finger, I spread her wetness around a little and she moans. I use my thumb and index finger to spread her lips apart. I use my middle finger to gently stroke her clit. She hisses in a breath and bucks her hips against me.
Then I feel it, in the back of my mind. It's like a little black cloud on a nice clear day. Very small at first and nobody notices it. But then it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and everyone is running for cover as the rain pours down. Only instead of it raining, and instead of us trying to run for cover, I'm holding her down against the bed, biting her neck hard enough to draw a little blood. She's screaming for me to stop, begging me to get off of her but I can't. The cloud is taking over, it's pushing me back and forcing me to stay as it uses my body to hurt my girl. She can't hear it but I'm screaming. I'm fighting as hard as I can to get my control back, to get my body back but it's too strong.
I try to stop my hands from moving as they hold her arms above her head. I can see my hands moving as they cross Buffy's wrist over one another. I reach over against my will and grab the silk scarves out of the drawer. The cloud ties her hands together and then to the bed. I can feel my thigh pressed up against her sex and she's screaming louder and trying to kick me off. I feel the cloud weaken for just a fraction, just a tiny little fraction of a second. I look into her fear filled eyes and then lift my lower body off of the bed a little bit. She takes the opportunity like I knew she would, and she puts her feet on my stomach and she pushes quickly upward and I go flying across the room. I land hard against the wall. I feel the plaster crack and large dent is left. I slide down the wall and land on the floor. Now that I'm not touching her anymore the cloud is gone and I'm back in control.
I don't stand up, I don't move, I don't say a word. I just sit there, staring at her as she breaks the scarves and gets off of the bed. She's looking at me not with hatred, not with anger or pain or betrayal, but with sympathy, with worry and fear. Not fear because of me but fear for me. I don't deserve that, I don't deserve her at all, and I know that now. I'm not strong enough to keep her safe, I don't deserve to be around her. She starts to walk towards me, slowly and cautiously like she's walking up to a rabid animal that looks like it's going to strike. She's six feet away from me still walking closer. I can't let that happen, I can't let her get too close. I stand up and she doesn't flinch like I thought she was going to do. She tires to get closer, but I don't let her.
"Don't. Stay away. Stay away from me, it isn't safe." She reaches out to touch me but I pull away from her. She looks hurt, rejected, and it's breaking my heart but I can't let her touch me, I just can't or else the cloud will take over again. I leave the room when I see the tears forming in her eyes. I can't look at her when she's about to cry because my resolve will crumble. I go into the training room and lock the door behind me. I sit down on the couch and run my hands through my hair. I rest my elbows on my knees and I stare down at the floor. I let the tears fall and they land in between my feet.
I sniffle loudly and look up towards the ceiling. Why is this happening to me? Is this my payment? Is this my punishment for killing those people? For trying to kill Buffy and her friends and family? Do I deserve this? I've been good, I've reformed, and now that I'm happy, finally happy and have everything that I could possibly want: a loving girlfriend, a beautiful baby, a nice house, love and compassion and family. I have people who care about me, so it just makes perfect sense that my punishment is the fates ripping that all away from me. Now that I know what it's like to love and what it's like to be loved...I don't think I can live without it. I can't go on like this, there's no way that I'll survive. I need Buffy in my life, I need my son and even though I know it would probably be better for me to stay away I don't think I can.
Then I feel it, it's not just a phantom it's the actual thing. I feel the crack of a belt against my back. I scream out and fall forward off of the couch. I lay face down on the floor and try to breathe. What the hell was that? I'm the only one in here, how did that happen? I reach back and feel the mark. There's a fucking mark! I pull my hand back and look at it, there's a little bit of blood on my fingers. I stand up and take a look around. I let my slayer senses roam and there's definitely something in here, I just can't see it. But ghosts can't hurt people, can they? And I don't think this house is haunted. Willow checked out the history of it before we moved into it, and she didn't find anything wrong. I feel something hit me in the face, and I know exactly what it was. It was the back of someone's hand. I fall to the floor and I feel the blood start to escape out the little cut on my cheek. A tiny cut left from a ring. This can't be happening, this isn't happening. If I just ignore it it'll go away.
"Fuck!" I scream out when I feel the belt on my back. The metal buckle hit between my shoulder blades. I jump forward and turn around to see what hit me but there's nothing there. This is really starting to freak me out. I scream again when I feel the belt hit the back of my leg. What the hell is happening? I'm backing up, looking around trying to find what's hitting me. But there's nothing. I can feel the black cloud from before, it's in the room lurking around but I can't get a read on its exact location. It's everywhere, suffocating me, making me feel weak like I'm nothing, just like how I used to feel back in Boston. I feel the belt hit me again, across my claves this time. I fall to the floor and I take a couple of deep breaths and then I stand up, limping a little. I remember this. This isn't random by any means. This isn't just some attack from an evil spirit. This is a memory coming to life to haunt me, to punish me for everything I've done.
"You were gone all night. Where were you?" What the hell? I can hear her voice like I did before when I took out the punching bag only it's not just in my head and it's echoing off of the room's walls. It's real and it's yelling at me, just like it did all those years ago. I feel another whip with the belt across the small of my back. I cry out and turn around still searching even though I know I won't find anything. Why? Why? Why is this happening? What is happening? "Where you out getting fucked?! Answer me you filthy whore!" I feel a punch to the face and I fall to the ground. I curl up in a tight ball. I feel her kicking my back, I feel her beating me with the belt. This isn’t just the phantom pain, it's real and I'm screaming and crying and begging her to stop. But she doesn't, just like she never did before. I feel the blood running down my skin, feel the welts forming as she continues to beat me.
"You did this to me! This is all your fault! Get up, Faith. Stand up and take it like the fucking whore you are!" More whips from the belt, more kicks to my back. All I can do is sit here and take it like the whore that I am. That's all I am, that's all I'll ever be. I turned into one the second I let Billy touch me. I'm a whore, I'm bad, and I deserve everything that I'm getting. I feel her grab a handful of my hair and lift me up off of the floor. I scream and grab onto her hand and try to pry her fingers apart but I can't. She throws me onto the couch, my upper body are on the cushions, my thighs are pressed up against the front of it, my knees are on the floor and she's whopping my ass with the belt, over and over and over. I'm screaming, and the tears are coming out non-stop until I go numb. Then it stops. I can still feel the presence, it's lingering around, but it's staying still. I fall to the ground and curl up into a ball. I hear the door fly open and smash against the wall.
"Oh my God. Faith, what happened?" I hear Buffy say and she kneels down next to me. I feel her touch my shoulder but I pull away. She can't touch me, I can't let her touch me, not after what happened in the bedroom, not after what I did. I'm bad, I'm worthless. I'm nothing but a whore. I can hear Buffy start to cry and I try to fight against her as she lifts me up off of the ground but I can't, I'm too weak from the beating and the mental exhaustion to fight back. She takes me into our bedroom and lays me down on the bed. She reaches over to my nightstand and picks up the cordless phone. I roll away from her, I try to get out of her reach but she won't let me. She gently runs her fingertips along the cut on my cheek and I keep my eyes closed.
"You don't deserve her." The voice is back, her voice is back and it's taunting me. This is no longer a memory but it's still part of the punishment. I open my eyes and look around. I don't see anything except Buffy. I can see her lips moving but I can't hear what she's saying, all I can hear is the voice whispering into my ear. "She's so much better then you, she deserves more then you. She deserves something good and pure, something worthwhile. Not trash, not you. What do you have to offer her? What does a whore have to offer a sweet girl like her? You're bad Faith, you always have been and you always will be. Say it Faith, say that you're bad."
"I'm bad," I whisper and Buffy hears it. She leans down and places a soft kiss on my forehead. "I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad. I'm just a whore. I'm not worthwhile. I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad." I'm still crying and I feel so very weak. I hear Buffy hang up the phone and put it back in the cradle. She lies down next to me and gives me another kiss on the forehead. "Don't touch me. I'm trash, I'm a whore." I hear her take in a deep breath. Her fingertips are softly rubbing the side of my face that isn't bruised. I flinch at the touch and try to pull away. She scoots in closer so that we're touching. Her touch is comforting. Her presence is making me feel a little better. I can feel my slayer healing start to take affect, and the pain goes down significantly.
"No Faith, you're not trash, you're not a whore. You're mine, and I'm not going to let anything else happen to you. I'm not going to let this thing just take you away from me. I love you Faith, you have to believe that. You deserve me and I deserve you. You're good now. You have been for a long time. Try and get some rest. Willow's on her way over and she's going to help us figure this out. Please baby, go back to sleep. I'll be right here, I'll protect you. I promise." I allow myself to give into the exhaustion that I had been fighting against. Her gentle touches and soft voice lead the way and soon I'm in a deep sleep.
When I wake up it's dark outside. It has to be otherwise I wouldn't be getting the tingles in the back of my neck telling me that a vampire is in the house. I open my eyes and look around. I’m still in my bedroom on my bed, but I'm alone. I can hear the voices of the people outside but I can't understand what they're saying because they're too far away. Must be in the living room or something. I'm not in pain anymore. The slayer healing took care of that. I can still feel the presence of the cloud or whatever the hell it is. It's lingering, waiting for me and I'm scared. I don't want to hurt Buffy again. I'm bad enough already without corrupting her.
I get up and open the door. I walk down the hall and see that they're in the living room. Buffy, Angel, Willow and Kennedy. Buffy looks pissed, really, really pissed. Angel looks solemn but that's usual. Willow looks worried and so does Kennedy. I wonder what they're talking about. Is something going on? Is there a new big bad in town or something? My bare feet touch the cold linoleum and I shiver. I sit down at the kitchen table and watch as they talk. They still haven't noticed me, which is fine because I don't deserve their time. I see that Buffy is dressed in jeans and t-shirt. I look down at myself and shake my head. She changed me out of the babydoll and into a white wife beater and red boxers. She didn't have to do that, she should have just left me in what I was wearing. It suits me, after all. Isn't that what dirty whores usually wear?
"I'm sorry Buffy." Angel says and I start to pay attention to the conversation. Something has her pissed off and I want to know what. "I was going to tell you but you had enough on your plate. I thought that we could take care of them before anything like this happened." He goes to say something else but she cuts him off. Her voice is tight, strained and very irritated.
"And now they're going after Faith. They're doing things to her, Angel. They're taking over her body. She won't even let me touch her because she's afraid she's going to hurt me." And I will. I'm bad and all I do is bring pain and misery everywhere I go. There's no stopping it, it's just what I do. All I do is cause pain and fuck, that's all I know, it's all I'm good at.
"You're a waste of time Faith. Do you honestly think that they should be helping you right now? Why should they help you when all you're going to do is hurt them? It's ridiculous." The voice is back and it's whispering into my ear again. I seem to be the only one that can hear it because no one is reacting to it. I shake my head. That isn't true. I help them, I do bring them happiness. I have before and I can again. I gave Buffy a son, that's one of the best things that I could ever do. "It's the only good thing that you'll ever do. You've done your part and now that you're purpose has been served you're nothing. Just a dirty, selfish little girl that deserves to be locked in a room and beaten for the rest of her life." No, it's not true, it can't be true. But deep down, I know it is. It's true and sooner or later I'm going to have to face it. Buffy finally notices me. She gets up from her seat and walks over to me. She kneels down in front of me and puts her hand on my knee. I scoot the chair back and stand up. She doesn't need to touch me, I'll just hurt her again.
"Faith, we found out what's going on. It isn't you, baby. There are these demons that have come into town, they're casting a spell on you, Faith. Because you're one of the original slayers, we're stronger then the others. They're trying to drive you insane, Faith, and you can't let them. You have to fight it, because if you give in to what's going on then they'll kill you and they'll use the power that they gain from consuming the slayer part of you to take over the world."
"That's not true. This is happening because you deserve it. It's your punishment for doing all of those evil things. You tried to kill her, you tried to rape her, that was all you." I shake my head. I try to make the voice go way but it keeps on talking. It keeps telling me that I'm no good, that I deserve what's going on. Even if I do believe it I have to fight it. I have to fight it because Buffy's telling me to, and I'd do anything for her.
"Shut up." I say out load and they all look confused. The voice keeps talking, keeps taunting me. I start to look around, searching for the source. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" I punch the nearest wall because I can't take it anymore. I start to break down again and I slide to the floor. Buffy wraps her arms around me and I let her, even though I know it's a bad idea. The others seem to think so too because they tense.
"Um, Buffy?" Willow says in a timid voice. Buffy must've yelled at them earlier or something or else she wouldn't be hesitant to say what's on her mind. "I don't think you touching Faith right now is the best idea. I mean, you are the trigger to whatever is going on. It could take over right now and try to kill you." No Red it doesn't try to kill her it tries to rape her. I don't know why it does that, I think I wouldn't feel as bad if it were trying to make me kill her. In my opinion rape is worse than murder maybe that's why. Maybe it's gotten inside of my head and it knows how I feel about rape and it's using it against me. I can feel the cloud getting stronger. It's not inside my mind but it's surrounding me making it hard to breathe. Buffy must agree with Red or something because she loosens her grip on me. She doesn't fully let go but it's just enough and the cloud takes the opportunity.
It grabs me my by upper arm and drags me over to the couch. It throws me over the back of it and I feel the belt on me again. The buckle of it is smacking really hard against me but I don't cry out. I bite my bottom lip so hard that it starts to bleed but I refuse to vocalize my pain, I won't give her that satisfaction. I remember this as well, too well and the tears are streaming down my face because I know what's coming next and there's nothing that I can do to stop it. Everyone is standing on the other side of the living room now looking on with fear and confusion. Buffy is trying to get to me but something is keeping her away, like some type of barrier has surrounded me and all they can do is watch as the memory manifests.
"Scream you fucking whore! Scream like you do for the boys that fuck you!" I don't scream, I keep it all in because I'm not going to let her hear me cry. I'm not going to beg for her to stop, I'm just going to sit here and take it. Maybe if she sees that I'm done screaming for her she'll stop and she won't beat me anymore. She grabs me by my hair again and throws me up against the wall. She starts swinging with the belt, hitting me mostly in the face and chest but a couple of awkward swings hit me in the stomach and the legs. I still don't cry out even though the pain is almost blinding.
She's getting really angry now. I feel her grab onto my arm and lift me up. She's holding onto me as she whips the belt across my back. Tears are streaming down my face full force but I still haven't screamed, still haven't cried out for her to stop. She drops the belt and reaches back and before I can move she's smashed and empty beer bottle over my head. I can feel the glass dig into my scalp, feel the blood start to run down the back of my head and dampen my clothes as it run down my back. She hits be a couple more times with the belt and then I finally scream. I finally let out an ear piercing scream as she grabs onto my hair right over the spot where she hit me with the bottle. She keeps hitting me with the belt and I feel her knee me really hard in the stomach. The wind is knocked out of me and she lets me fall to the floor, then she just leaves me there.
I hear something fall at my side and I look up through swollen eyes to see Buffy kneeling down next to me. She's crying really hard and I can tell she wants to touch me, she wants to wrap me up in her arms and kiss the pain away but she can't. She knows that if she does then it'll come back and something else could happen. I see Angel walk up behind her and wrap his arms around her. He gently pulls her up off of the floor and holds her to his chest, trying to comfort her. If I weren't so beat up right now I'd probably be jealous, but since I can't touch her I'm just glad that he's doing his best to calm her down. I see Kennedy walk over and gently pick me up. I guess it's ok for her to touch me because she's not Buffy.
She takes me into the spare bedroom and gently lays me down on the bed. Willow follows closely behind although I don't know why. I'm sure Kennedy is just going to clean up some of the blood, no need for Red to be in here to see that. Kennedy is sitting behind me and gently holds my hip and arm so that I'm lying on my left side because that isn't as damaged as the rest of me. Willow walks up and stands in front of me. I avoid looking into her eyes, I just want to be left alone. She places one hand over my heart and the other on my stomach so that her palm is pressed up against my bellybutton. I wince in pain but she doesn't ease up.
Then there's like this warm breeze, and the room fills with this light glowing energy. I feel myself being lifted off of the bed but nothing is touching me except for Willow's hands that are still on my chest and stomach. I feel the warm breeze go inside of me, I don't know where it's like...my skin is absorbing it or something. I can feel all of my wounds start to close up. The glass falls out of my scalp and lands on the bed, I can hear it fall piece by piece. I open my eyes and look over at Willow. Her hair and eyes are completely white and she's focusing on my stomach. It's sort of creepy to see, ok it's really creepy but she's helping me so I'm not going to complain.
I linger in the air for a couple of seconds after I feel that I'm all better. I guess she's trying to do something else, like a protection spell or something, I have no clue. Whatever she's trying to do doesn't work though because there's like this bolt of lightening that happens between her hands and my body and we both go flying back. I slam against Kennedy's body and she slams up against the wall. Willow landed on the wall on the other side of the room, her nose is bleeding and she's holding her head. What the hell was that? I jump up off of the floor and Kennedy does the same. She runs over to Willow and pulls the redhead into her arms and gently rocks back and forth, I guess Willow is crying or something. I step forward but Kennedy looks back and nods her head towards the door. I walk out without saying a word. It's probably best not to make any noise if Willow's head is hurtin so bad. When I walk out into the living room Buffy is still pretty upset but now she's on the phone. She's putting together a team of slayers and I'm not liking this at all. I go to say something but Angel starts talking first. I hate it when people interrupt me like that.
"There's a cult of demons after you Faith. They're strong but can be taken down. You have to let her do this or you won't survive. If they kill you it's all over for you, for us, the entire world." I lowered my head and looked down at my feet. This sucks, I hate this more then anything. It's one thing to have to keep my hands off of Buffy, but to not be able to help her fight. I know that's why she's putting together a team. So far I've heard her list six names. She's calling in as many as she can get to make up for the lack of experience with brute force. I look up at him and he has this sympathetic look in his eyes even though he's staying completely blanked face.
"What do they want from me? Why me?" He takes an unneeded breath of air and then lets it out real slow. I hate it when he fucking does that. He back up a little bit and goes to sit down on the arm of the couch but Buffy throws him a glare so he sits down on the cushion. I would laugh if I weren't so fucking worried right now. Buffy hangs up the phone, there's a notebook in her lap and a pen in her hand. She must've called Giles and gotten a list of all the slayers that live nearby and now she's going to call all of them and tell them that they're needed. I hate feeling useless.
"They want the power of the slayer." I look over at him like he's on crack. That doesn't explain shit, well not really. There are hundreds of little slayers running around all over the place, most of them are probably more vulnerable then me. "If Willow hadn't cast that spell seven years ago to call all of the potentials then you would have been the one to pass on the power to the next girl. The power, the essence of the slayer still lives inside you, it's stronger in you then it is in all of the others. If these demons can weaken you enough to kill you, they can contain that power and use it for themselves. If they get it it'll make them strong enough to take over...everything. No slayer will be able to stop them, no other demon will be able to kill them. They'll be indestructible." I sigh heavily, so that's why I can't go with her. It's not about being around her and hurting her. It's keeping me safe so I don't die.
"But what's happening to me? How are they doin those things?" He sighs again and I have a strong fuckin urge to punch him in the head but I control myself. We both look over when Buffy raises her voice. She yells at the person she's talking to, saying that she doesn't care if it's her third wedding anniversary she's is to be here in two hours or Buffy will hunt her down and beat her. I smile a very small smile. That's my girl, always the little commander. I look over at Angel and he has a smirk too. I narrow my eyes at him and he makes the smile go away. He clears his throat and then continues.
"They're using your insecurities against you. All of the pain from your past. I know your mother beat you a lot, you were crying out in your sleep. But what they're doing is taking all of the worst ones, not just physically bad but emotionally as well. All of these particular beatings have some deeper meaning, and they're using it to get to you, to break you down to bring up all of those feelings of weakness and self-hatred that you felt and instilling them in you now. They don't just need you physically weak to perform the ritual to get your power, they need you emotionally and psychologically weak, they need you to want to end it, to want to give up, that way there won't be any type of resistance when they try to kill you." Dammit, I hate it when people mind-fuck me. They get inside your head and make you believe things, and I can't believe I actually let them. Earlier I was thinking that I'm just a whore, that I'm bad and dirty? How could I be so dumb, why didn't I know that's what they wanted me to think? "If you go there and try to fight what you've been experiencing will increase by tenfold. The pain will be worse, the voices will be louder, it'll be like experiencing the memories only amplified. It'd be better for everyone, including you, if you just stay here."
"Ok." Buffy put the phone down and walked over to us. "I have seven slayers coming here, they'll be here within two hours. Willow and Angel are going to stay here with you, Dawn said she'd keep Matthew longer in case we don't kill them by noon tomorrow. There's dinner in the fridge, just heat it up in the microwave, I have a load of clothes in the dryer so take those out for me when it's done. I'm going to do a quick patrol, I'll be back in a little while." She's rushing to speak and gathering up her stuff at the same time because she knows I'm not going to let her leave. I get up off of the couch and gently hold onto her upper arm. She looks into my eyes, there's sympathy in hers along with this need to hunt, she needs to get out and work off the tension, but she can't. I can't let her go out there alone when there are these wicked strong demons working some evil mojo, she could get hurt or killed.
"No B, you can't go patrolling. They might kill you to get to me and I'm not gonna let that happen. So just sit tight and wait for the little slayers to get here." She tries to say something but I interrupt her. I may hate it when people do it to me but that doesn't mean I'm not going to do it to them. At least when I need to. "No. I won't let you leave. You're not going to get hurt because of me, I'm not worth it. So put your stuff back and sit down at the table. I'm kinda hungry and I want to have dinner with my girl." I smile a sweet smile, I can almost taste the sugar in my mouth. She kind of rolls her eyes a little and gets really serious. She lets her coat and stake fall to the floor and then puts her hands on my hips. Probably not a good idea but we both need this.
"Faith, don't ever talk about yourself like that again. You are so worth it. Right now I'd probably be nothing without you. Well, I would be something, but I wouldn't be this happy, this fulfilled. You've given me so much, a great life, a son. I could never ask for more because I have everything that I could ever want and it's all because of you. I'll eat dinner with you but I need to patrol, ok?" She pouts a little bit and I can't resist that. I agree with her and she puts her coat and stake back. I heat up the food that she had cooked, I guess she hadn't planned on me waking up to find her still here. I scoop out the spaghetti onto two plates and grab a couple forks and set them down at the table.
She starts to eat in this little seductive matter that she knows just drives me insane. She twirls some of the noodles onto the fork and slowly brings it up to her mouth. She looks up at me through her eyelids and then slowly wraps her lips around the noodles and slowly pulls the fork away and then makes this little moaning sound, like just eating the food is giving her sexual pleasure. How can just watching someone eat get somebody hot? I don't know how but it's getting me very hot and bothered. When we're done eating she cleans up the dishes and I have to force myself not to touch her because I know that the smallest touch between us will escalate and I'll end up hurting her again.
The other slayers got there before she could leave. They were all wicked early and she was surprised because she had gotten a little bit of resistance from some of them. Just looking at their faces I can tell which ones don't want to be here. Even though it's against my better judgment I grab Buffy by the upper arm before she can go and give her a smoldering kiss. She kisses me back but she cuts it short before we get too involved. She leaves one last chaste kiss on my lips before heading out to fight a battle that she shouldn't have to fight.
