Chapter 70: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Three Days Later. FPOV
“You’re sure this is gonna work? You go in and do some mumbo jumbo and then I go back to normal?” I ask and Willow gives me a weird look. Ok so maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘mumbo jumbo’ but I can’t help it. I say dumb stuff like that when I’m really nervous and right now I’m really nervous. You would be too if someone was going to go inside your mind and have a look around. This right here is all about trust, and I’m not so good with the trusting, even after all this time. There’s just some things that not even time can erase. But I can totally do this. Red and I aren’t exactly friends but I know she won’t go poking around in my memories just to satisfy any curiosity she might have about me. Yep, I totally trust her. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I’ll finally truly believe it.
“Well, no I’m not a hundred percent sure I’m going to find out what’s wrong. But I’m ninety-eight point nine percent sure that I will find something.” Only ninety-eight point nine? I really don’t think that’s enough. I guess I look even more nervous now because she’s giving me this ‘will you just calm down?’ type of look. “Faith, this spell is super safe, ok? It doesn’t require a lot of power so I won’t run out before we’re done. It just takes a lot of time, and the slower we go the safe it will be. Now Buffy and the kids are at Dawn’s and there’re going to stay there until we call them so we won’t be interrupted before we’re done.” She sits Indian style in front of me and I do the same. Buffy said whenever spells like this are done it’s best to just do what Willow does.
“No, don’t sit like that.” Or Buffy could be wrong. “I need you to lie on your back, and put your head in my lap.” Um, ok. She didn’t say that we’d have to do this. So I turn around and then lay back. I put my head on her legs, and look up at her. She gives me one of her little Willow-smiles. Ya know when she sticks the tip of her tongue between her teeth? And I can’t help but chuckle. This is so weird. I never, ever thought I’d have my head in her lap. It just seems so wrong, even though it’s not. But whatever I’m not going to worry about it. “Ok, now I need you to close your eyes, take in a deep breath, and clear your mind of all thoughts.” Alright, sounds easy enough. I close my eyes and take in a nice, deep breath, and think of nothing.
“Alright, now this might sting for just a second so don’t panic ok?” she says and I nod my head. I feel her put two fingers on my temples. She starts to lightly rub them in little circles. This doesn’t sting, it’s actually pretty relaxing. My shoulders aren’t as tense and I feel like I’m about to fall asleep. Maybe I should have Buffy- WHAT THE FUCK? I try to sit up but something’s wrong. I can’t move a muscle. I can feel everything so I haven’t gone paralyzed but I can’t move. What the hell is going on? She said it was only going to sting a little. “That was just a little sting. Quit being such a baby.” What the hell? I hear her voice but not out loud. When she said she was going to go inside my mind I didn’t think she meant it in a literal way.
“I’m not inside your mind. Just my consciousness is. Our bodies are still in the living room. Nice choice of scenery by the way.” What the hell is she talking about? I take a look around and what the hell? We’re not in the living room anymore. We’re in a field of flowers. There’s all different colors and shapes and sizes, and I feel like at any moment Glenda the good witch is gonna float over here and tell me I need to find a floating head and talk to it. “Please, like that would ever happen. Besides I’m the only good witch you need to talk to right now.” Ok, I don’t like this at all. How is she doing that? “I’m inside your mind Faith, I can hear all of your thoughts. And could you stop thinking so loud? I’m starting to get a headache.” Great, now she’s making jokes.
“Well, maybe if you told me all of the details instead of just a little then I wouldn’t be freaking out right now. I mean, what it is with you guys? You tell us ‘oh don’t worry everything is going to be fine’ and then after you start the spell there’s a ‘oh this is going to sting a little’. Would you know it off with all the catches and just tell me the truth from the beginning?” Wow, where the fuck did that come from? I take another look around and holy shit the sky is pink. “Where the fucks are we?” She giggles, actually fuckin giggles like a school girl and I think I’m going to lose it if she doesn’t tell me what the hell is going on.
“Just stay calm Faith. This is your subconscious. I think this problem doesn’t have to do with a magic spell or curse, so it’ll be here. It could be an accidental self-induced thing. Like you’re dreaming up all of your worst nightmares because subconsciously you feel like you and Buffy are drifting apart. Or it could be a hundred other reasons. Now I know I said I wasn’t going to go looking through your memories, and I’m not.” I just know there’s a but coming up. “However.” See, I told you. “However is not but, now let me explain.” She gives me a little glare. I sigh and fold my arms across my chest. Well? “Thank you. However, I can already feel there are some deep emotional issues that you have stored away and if we’re going to get to the bottom of this then we should take a look.”
“You mean we’re going to watch all of my memories like some bad home movie and just stand on the sidelines like some Christmas Carol bullshit?” I ask and she nods her head. She has a little smile on her face and I know this is going to end badly. “Fine. But stop smiling. Trust me, the shit we’re about to see is gonna be pretty fucked up. Nothing to smile about at all.” She nods her head and the smile goes away. “Ok, so how do we start the memory watching?” This is going to be really, really bad. I don’t want Willow seeing all of this shit, but if she thinks it’ll help them I should just go ahead and get it over with.
“Well, we have to hold hands.” What? I give her a weird look and she sighs. “I know it’s weird because we’re not very close but if you want to find out what’s wrong then you need to hold onto me so that my subconscious can feed magic to yours and we can take a look at what’s bothering you.” Ok, ok. Jeez, save your breath. She holds out her hand and I look at it for a few seconds. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I swear, when we get out of here I’m going to chug half a bottle of JD just to forget this. “Would you stop talking to your imaginary audience and just hold onto my hand?” Alright, alright, fuck. I hold onto her hand and sigh. Great, nothing’s happening. Yeah, great idea Red. We’re standing in the middle of a flower field, with a pink sky, holding hands and nothing is happening.
“Are you sure this is gonna work ‘cause- HOLY FUCK!” I scream when everything starts to…whoosh I guess is the right word for it. It feels like we’re being sucked forward, and everything is really blurry and it feels like my skin is going to be ripped off my body we’re going so fast. I feel Red clutching to my hand with a death grip so I guess I’m not supposed to let go. Ok, no letting go. I hold on tighter and open my mouth to scream. And right before I let it out we stop. Fuck that was insane. Is my hair fucked up? I let go of Willow’s hand and run my fingers through my hair but it’s fine. Nothing is messed up. Wow, that’s really weird. “Did you know that was going to happen?” She shakes her head no. Good, ‘cause if she did I would’ve hit her in the face for not warning me about that whirlwind of nauseousness.
“Ok, so where are we?” she asks and looks around. Why is she asking me that? She’s supposed to be the all knowing witch. So why the fuck is she looking to me for answers? “It’s your memory Faith, not mine. I don’t know where we are or what’s going on.” Oh, well, I guess that does make sense. I sigh and take a look around. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I really didn’t want to see this place ever again. She just had to bring us here. We’re standing outside of my old house. The one I grew up in back in Boston. I really don’t want to be here. I really, really don’t want to be here.
“We’re in Boston. This is the house I lived in before I became a slayer.” Thunder rumbles in the black sky above us and it makes me jump a little. I hate thunder storms. They’ve always scared the hell out of me. I can handle it now ‘cause I’m an adult, and all of that shit, but when I was little they freaked me out. I used to run into my parents’ room and cuddle up with my dad. “I guess we need to go inside.” She nods her head and follows me up the walkway. Just seeing this place again is filling me with a sense of dread. We walk up the three steps onto the porch and stop in front of the door. “Do I have to open it or can we just walk through?” She gives me a little smile and I sigh. Ok, so I guess not everything is like a Christmas Carol.
I grip the doorknob and slowly turn it. I really don’t want to go into this house. Growing up I couldn’t get out of it soon enough, and I really don’t want to be back here. Ok, Faith just chill out. We just need to do this shit, and then Red will figure out what the problem is and then everything will be ok. You can get back to your life and finish building that motorcycle and go to Hawaii for a week with B and the kids and everything will be ok. Yep, everything is going to be just fine. I push the door open and I can’t see anything. The house is pitch black. Well, it is like two in the morning, if I had to guess, so it makes sense that it would be really dark. It doesn’t matter though. I don’t need to see because I know the lay out of every room perfectly.
I step inside and take a deep breath. I hate how it always smelt like alcohol. Everywhere it smells like Vodka which is why I never touch the stuff. Only Tequila, and JD, and beer for me. Ok, getting back on the subject. I slowly step inside and Red closes the door behind us. It takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, and when it does I suck in a deep breath. I don’t want to remember this. I wasn’t sure exactly which memory this one is but now I know, and I want to run away. And I definitely don’t wan Red seein this shit. I want out! I turn around to walk towards the door but Red grabs me by the arm. She’s using her magic to make herself stronger because there’s no way she could hold me back on her own.
“It’s ok Faith. It’s just a memory. Nothing can really hurt you now.” But you don’t understand it can hurt me. Remembering hurts to much, I don’t want to remember. Alright Faith it’s time to snap out of it. I’m a slayer dammit, I can handle this. Red’s right, nothing can really hurt me. I’ve grown so much since I went to prison, and I know it’s going to sound totally gay but going to prison saved my life because if I hadn’t gone there I never would’ve had all that time to think. Alright, it’s just a memory, it’s just a memory, it’s just a memory. A very bright flash of lightening lights up the whole room for a few seconds. Right after it goes away a loud clap of thunder shakes the whole fuckin house. God I hate it here.
We walk through the very tiny foyer, and into the living room. Everything is dirty, and gross, and it sucks. That is the ugliest couch I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I walk towards the back of the room. At the very back is a hallway that leads to the kitchen, about halfway down is a bathroom to the left, and the wall on the right is nothing but cupboards. The layout of this house is weird, but at the same time it was pretty cool. There’s nothing in the cupboards, and they’re not separated on the inside and I’d use it for a fort. Anyway, right before you reach the hall the living room ends, and to the right is where the bedrooms are, one on the right and one on the left. In between against the wall, is the heater. A bright flash of lightening lights up the entire room, and right after it a loud clap of thunder shakes the entire house.
“Daddy!” I hear myself scream. Well, not me but the ten-year-old me. It’s not use. I knew that, but I didn’t care. I was scared, and lonely, and I wanted my daddy. “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!!!” I look over to the left when I hear the door open. A large man walks out and across the very small space. He opens up the other bedroom door and walks inside. I sigh and just listen. I glance over at Red and her eyes look fuckin weird. They’re a bright green, like glowing green, and I just know that she did something so she can see in the dark. “You’re not my dad! Go away! I want my dad!” The man leaves my room and walks back into my mom’s room. I can hear him murmuring, and me crying and I just want it to stop.
“Be quiet Faith! Go back to sleep!” my moms yells but I can’t stop. There’s another flash of lightening, even brighter then the first, and the thunder shakes the house again. I start crying louder, harder, and I’m coughing a little. “You better quit your crying, little girl, before I give you something to cry about!” Yeah, it’s really nice to have such a loving mother. I look back on these days and smile. Anyway, the memory me can’t stop crying. I know what’s coming next so I don’t need to watch. I glance over at Red and she has this expression on her face like she can’t believe this really happened. “That’s it Faith!” I hear her get out of bed. She stomps her feet really hard when she’s mad and hung over. I hear the sound of metal clinking around, and then I watch my mom walk across the little space from her room to mine with a belt in her hand.
“Mom no! I don’t wanna whoopin! I’ll be quiet! I’ll be quiet!” SMACK! “Mom stop!” SMACK! “Mommy please, please stop!” SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! “Ow, Mommy stop, it hurts. Stop it.” SMACK! Then she stops, and walks out of the room and shuts the door behind her. She goes back into her bedroom and puts the belt down. I can still hear the little kid version of me crying, but it’s quiet. I glance over at Red again and she looks like she’s going to be sick. I guess this was a little too much for her to handle. I look over towards my bedroom, and I can’t help but want to go inside. And since when do I ignore my curiosity? So I take a couple steps forward and I can feel Willow walking right behind me. I’m glad she isn’t going to puss out ‘cause I don’t think I can do this alone. We walk over to the door and I slowly open it.
“Oh my Goddess,” I hear Red gasp. I can see the memory me lying on the bed, crying her eyes out into the pillow. She’s clutching a stuffed animal to her chest and I can’t help but smile at the sight of it. Not the crying, the stuffed animal. My dad got me that last year for my ninth birthday. It’s a stuffed doll of Rocko from Rocko’s Modern Life. Who here remembers that cartoon? Yeah, that cartoon was the shit. “I can’t believe your mom did that.” I chuckle a little and rub the back of my neck. Oh man if only she knew the kind of shit that happened to me. The reason this night was so bad is because this is the night I gave up hope that my dad was coming back to save me from this. I didn’t find out he went to prison until I was twelve. I’m only ten here, and my mom told me he just ran out on us, and for some dumb reason I believed her.
“So what happens now?” I ask and look over at Willow. “We saw what happened and I know why it fucked me up emotionally or whatever. So now what do we do?” I watch Willow as she closes her eyes and concentrates. I can still hear the little me crying and it sucks. Not just because it’s me, but as a mom I have this need to comfort kids when they’re upset. I feel a little tingle on the back of my neck, it’s warm and it feels very familiar. It took me a while to get used to this feeling, but it doesn’t put me on edge anymore. It’s the feeling of Willow using her magic. I’d recognize it anywhere.
“I definitely feel something,” she says in a very low voice. Her eyes are still closed and I can still feel the magic. “It’s some kind of pull. I couldn’t feel it before. I guess it kicks in after you’ve been asleep for a while.” She’s guesses? Ok Faith just calm down. She doesn’t really know what she’s looking for. That’s why this is called an exploratory…thing. Ok so I don’t know exactly what it’s called but exploratory means she doesn’t really know what she’s looking for but she’ll know it when she finds it. “I need you to hold onto my hand again. I want to get a little closer the source of the pull. We can’t get too close though or we might get sucked into it before I can find out what it is.” Um…ok. I hold onto her hand and prepare myself for the big whoosh.
But nothing is happening. I open my eyes and take a look around. The house is gone, and we’re back in that stupid field of flowers, with the bright sun and the pink sky. I swear I thought my subconscious would be a little dirtier then this. I mean, my past is a perfect example of corrupted innocence. I look over at Willow, and she still has her eyes closed. The magic is changing now. She has to use more power and I can feel it. I can feel the magic work its way up my arm and prickle the back of my neck. I feel like I’m moving again, like I’m about to fall and I hold onto Willow’s hand a lot tighter then before. Everything is fading away to nothing, just a bright white nothingness. I can feel Willow using even more power, and sweat is starting to drip down from my hairline.
“Just a little more,” Willow says, and her voice sounds strained. I don’t like this, something about it isn’t right. Even I know that and I don’t know shit about magic. Wait, I know think I know what’s wrong. I can feel that pull Willow was talking about. When she said pull she really meant a pull. It feels like someone is grabbing onto me, wrapping their long arms around my waist and trying to lead me in a different direction. I try to ignore it. I just focus on Willow, and the power of the magic that’s now running through both of our bodies. As long as I don’t let go of her everything will be ok. “Shit, shit, shit!” Ok Red that’s really not something I need to hear right now. I open my mouth to tell her that but before I can get a word out the invisible grip around my waist tightens and starts to pull really hard.
“Red, what the fuck is going on?” I yell and she grabs onto my other hand. The pull is stronger, and I can feel my grasp on her hands weakening. But she holds on tighter, and I can feel her being pulled along with me. She doesn’t answer me, and I can tell she’s trying to focus all of her energy on keeping us grounded or whatever, but I’m being pulled too hard. What the fuck is happening? I can feel my feet being lifted up, and then it’s like I’m falling. I’m falling and spinning and holing on Willow as tight as I can. I think I’m gonna be sick. I close my eyes as tight as I can and concentrate on not throwing up. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this because if we’re inside my mind then I wouldn’t be able to throw up.
“Ow!” I yell when I land on something hard. I feel my body bounce up a little and land again. Fuck that hurt. Ok Faith, just breathe. Why do I have to breathe? I didn’t need to breathe before when we were in the creep flower field. I don’t open my eyes just yet. I want to make sure I’m good and calm before I do that. If I’m already freaking out and we’re in some weird demon dimension then I’m going to freak out even more and kill Willow for bringing me here. Alright, calm down. It can’t be that bad. Maybe we just fell back into the living room, and for whatever reason the carpet feels like grass. Now that I’m pretty calm I’ll just take a peek. I open my eyes and blink a couple of times until I get used to the bright light. “What the fuck?”
BPOV
I can’t stop thinking that something is going to go completely wrong. I keep thinking that I’m going to go home tomorrow and find them dead. I know it’s wrong to think like that, but I can’t help it. If you were to see the things I’ve seen, and experience what I’ve experienced then I’m sure you’d be the same way too. Faith and Willow are at my house and doing some weird spell that will let my best friend go inside the mind of my wife, and she’s going to look around her mind until she finds out why she keeps going to an alternate universe. Well, we’re not exactly sure it’s an alternate universe, but that’s my theory. It could just be some weird dreams brought on by a spell cast by some demons to fuck with Faith until she’s weak and they can take her out. Something like that happened a few years ago, it could happen again.
“Here,” Dawn says and sets something down on the coffee table in front of me. I look at it for a few seconds before it really registers in my brain. It’s a glass of red wine. I must really look freaked out if my baby sister thinks I need a drink. “Try not to worry so much, ok? Faith is in great hands. You know Willow will do everything in her power to keep her safe.” I pick up the offered glass and take a big gulp. I know that’s rude or whatever, but I don’t really care right now. I think a glass or two will help calm me down. Willow showed up at the house this morning around nine with a bag of magical stuff. Mostly just crystals to help channel her energy. She said that what she’s doing is very sensitive and if there’s the slightest interruption it could ruin the whole thing. So I packed up some bags for me and the kids, and now we’re staying at Dawn’s.
“I know that Dawn, but things go wrong all the time. Willow said this spell is very sensitive. And when they’re in the trance they’re completely helpless. What if it’s a demon that’s making Faith have those dreams and this is just what it was waiting for? What if it attacks them while they’re inside Faith’s mind?” These are all very valid questions but Dawn doesn’t look so convinced. I take another large swallow of my wine and she takes a little sip of hers. She’s been having a very rough few days and I guess she could really use a drink too. I mean, what with Kyle coming back and her feelings for Michael are as strong as ever and all of it is confusing the hell out of her. I would be confused to. If she goes back to Kyle there’s always the possibility that he won’t be able to handle the demands of stepfather-hood and take off. And she isn’t sure if Michael can forgive her for keeping him away from the boys.
“That’s why Kennedy and four other very experienced slayers are guarding the house just in case. So drink your wine, and stop pouting, ok? It might have been cute when you were five but it’s annoying now.” Whatever, my pouting has always been and will always be cute. All I have to do is stick out my lip and whimper a little and Faith’ll do pretty much anything. Like the time I pouted and even cried a little bit when I wanted her to pick up some Chinese food. Normally it’s not a big deal, but it was one in the morning. That was when I was pregnant with Joey. I woke up with this huge craving for Chinese, and I was on bed rest so it’s not like I could have gone out and done it myself.
“I just want all of this to go away. I want those dreams or whatever to stop happening so Faith can get better. She’s just so convinced that it’s her future she’s seeing. If things stop now before she sees anything worst then she’ll be able to forget about it and move on. She’s taken a lot of the stuff that’s happened so hard.” Dawn gives me a questioning look and I realize that I still haven’t told Dawn anything about the things Faith has told me. I sigh and take another sip of wine. I need to talk to someone about this because it is a little…upsetting, and I’ve been putting on a brave face for Faith but some of things she’s told me have hurt a little. “Apparently her alternate self is having an affair with some twenty-something year old hussy from work. My alternate self is bitter and cold and just turning a blind eye on everything that’s going on.
“She’s only seen Joseph and Addison. From what she’s told me Addison is completely spoiled, and bratty and thinks she can get away with anything. Joseph is…resentful towards her. He blames the failed marriage on Faith, and he barley talks to her, and when he does he’s really hateful. But my Faith doesn’t spoil Addison like the other Faith does. And in one dream Addison wanted to go out with her boyfriend and Faith could just tell by the way Addison was acting that the two were going to sleep together. So Faith told her she couldn’t go. Addison tried to leave anyway, and they ended up yelling at each other, and when she tried to leave Faith grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back. Addison hit her, and Faith just lost it. She bent Addison over the couch and spanked her with her belt.” I look over at Dawn and she’s completely speechless.
“She felt so bad about it, so guilty and horrible that for almost a week she would drink herself to sleep. And then she finally told me what she saw. She broke down in my arms and cried so hard that she almost got sick. What she told me…it freaked me out a little, but what she’s seeing isn’t real, and if it is then it’s some weird alternate universe. Faith would never beat our children. She doesn’t even spank them when they do something bad.” I take another big drink from my glass and it’s almost gone. Dawn notices and picks the bottle up from the coffee table and refills it. Thank God for little sisters. Ok, I don’t want to talk about me anymore. I’m freaked out enough as it is, I don’t want to add to it. “So, have you made any decisions about Kyle?” I know it’s a long shot, but I need the focus off of me.
“No, not yet. I just don’t think it’s the right time. The boys are so young that they don’t really understand what dating is, and kids this age can be very clingy to the parent of the opposite sex, and I don’t want them to be jealous of Kyle.” I try not to smile but it’s really hard. I can’t believe she’s using the boys as an excuse not to date again. I know what the real reason is, it’s written all over her face. I give her an ‘and the real reason is?’ type of look and she sighs. That means she’s close to caving. “Ok, so that isn’t all of it. I am worried that the boys are going to get super jealous. It’s just, what if things don’t work out? Kyle took off once when things got really fucked up. So what if they get fucked up again? Is he just going to leave me alone to deal with it by myself? And Michael says that he agrees on the custody arrangement now but he might not want the boys around Kyle and he could sue for sole custody.
“I just don’t know what to do. Everything with Kyle would be familiar because we were together for so long. So am I only slightly interested because I still love him or because I want to feel safe and secure? I just can’t figure any of it out and it’s driving me crazy.” I give her a minute to catch her breath and think because I know she has more to say. “I do want to find someone though. Things are so…I get lonely, especially at night and in the mornings when I wake up early. I miss falling asleep next to someone, and waking up in their arms. I miss feeling their breath on the back of my neck while I fall asleep.” Aww, my poor baby sister. She’s just so cute sometimes. I get it, I do. I always feel really lonely whenever Faith and I sleep apart. I watch as the expression on Dawn’s face changes. She goes from being a little sad, to a little angry. Hmm, that’s weird. “And for three years the only thing that’s touched my nethers has run on batteries.”
“Oh my God!” I say a little louder then I probably should have considering the kids are asleep, but dammit Dawn! “I can’t know that.” She has a little smile on her face now and I feel like I could reach over and strangle her. I get that my little sister is a warm blooded human being with needs of the sexual kind. But she’s my little sister. I don’t want to think about someone putting their hands on her in a sexual way because that puts me in a murdering mood. I could have killed Michael for taking her virginity. I would have too if Faith hadn’t stopped me from leaving. Ok, we need to talk about something else other then my sister’s sex life. “How are the boys doing? I haven’t been here in a while.” I take a very long sip of wine, and savor the taste for a few seconds before I swallow.
“You were here three days ago.” So? A lot can happen in three days. I give her a ‘humor me’ sort of look and she swallows the last bit of her wine and refills the glass. “They’re doing ok. They’ve been asking a lot of questions about Michael. They think he’s the coolest thing since sliced bread and they want to see him again. I’m glad they’re so…excited about him. It’ll make sending them to L.A. a little easier. I don’t know what I’m going to do when they’re gone. I schedule my entire life around there’s, you know? After work I pick them up from daycare, we come home and I spend half an hour coloring with them and we just talk about their day and stuff like that. Then I cook dinner, and after dinner they have an hour of play time, then it’s bath time, then I read them a story, and tuck them in and then I stay up for an hour or two watching TV or catching up on work.”
“That’s what happens, Dawnie. You have a baby, well in your case babies, and suddenly your only real job in life is making sure they’re happy, and safe. Every once in a while Faith and I will ask Chris, or Willow and Sky to watch the kids for a day or two so that we can have some uninterrupted ‘grown up’ time.” Yes I used air quotes. “But after a while we miss.” Dawn gives me a sad look and I think I know why. She’s probably thinking something like ‘if Buffy can’t last a day or two how am I going to last a week?’ I know because that’s how well I know my little sister now. And because I know I would miss my kids like crazy if I had to be away from them for a week. Especially if the house was completely empty. “You can always get a dog. That way you have someone to keep you company while the boys are gone.” She looks up at me and then kinda zones out for a minute or two.
“You know that’s a pretty good idea. The boys say they want a dog every time they see one at the park or when the neighbors take theirs for a walk. Maybe I’ll go to the shelter and get a puppy when they go to Michael’s for the first time. It can be a surprise for when they get back.” I smile a little and take another sip of my wine. The alcohol is starting to kick in and I’m feeling a little more relaxed. I’m still worried about Faith and Willow but it’s not as bad as it was before. Like I said earlier: thank God for little sisters. Some wine is exactly what I needed to calm me down. Maybe I’ll be able to fall asleep tonight, but I doubt it. I’m going to be waiting for the phone call telling me that everything is ok and I can go home.
Not only that, but the sleeping arrangements are a little weird. Matthew is staying in the guest bedroom, Addison is sleeping on the floor in the boys’ room, Joseph is sleeping in Alex’s bed, and Nick and Alex are sharing a bed tonight. So that means I get to either sleep on Dawn’s very uncomfortable couch, or I can share a bed with her. I opted for sharing a bed with her. She may have gotten a cheap couch but she didn’t skimp on the bed. But I don’t want to worry about that. It’s only nine thirty. Matthew is in the bedroom but I told him he could stay up until eleven. School is starting in a couple days and he’s a little bummed about summer ending, so I’m letting him stay up later then normal.
“Buffy, please stop worrying. Faith is going to be ok.” Huh? I wasn’t worrying just now. Ok, so maybe I was a little. But she doesn’t understand. She thought she wouldn’t be able to live without Kyle when they were still together, but she did. She had to be strong for her boys. But I honestly don’t know if I’d be able to do that. If I could go on after losing Faith. I love her so much, and she’s a huge part of my life. I need her probably more then she needs me, and if she died I don’t think I’d be able to move on. So no, I can’t stop worrying. I can’t stop worrying about what’s going to happen if something bad happens. Will I be able to move on? Will our kids be ok? Will Joseph even remember Faith if she dies or disappears?
“I can’t. You don’t know what it’s like, Dawn. You’re strong, you’re self sufficient. You can handle everything by yourself even if you don’t want to. But I don’t know if I can live without Faith. She’s everything to me. Before Faith and I got together I used to think that I needed to be able to depend on no one but me. But when I woke up in that motel room when we left the crater that used to be Sunnydale, and Faith was there with a glass of water, and she took really good care of me. I remember I tried to stand up from the bed to use the bathroom but the wound in my stomach pulled, and I fell forward and right before I hit the ground Faith caught me. I looked up into her eyes, and she smiled this cute, nervous, dimply smile and I knew right then that I’d never be able to live without her.” I look down at the dark liquid in my glass and swirl it around a little before I down it in one gulp.
“Not to bring up bad memories or anything but what about that time the two of you broke up? You were apart for two or three months before you finally got back together.” I pour myself another glass of wine and try not to tear up. I was such a bitch back then. You have no idea. If you knew half of the things I said to her you’d probably hate me forever. I know you would hate me forever. I don’t really know why we grew so far apart. I think it was just everything finally catching up to me and I didn’t know how to open up to Faith about it. I just took it out on her. I cried myself to sleep every night we were apart. Well, not every night. The night I was with that redhead I didn’t cry, but a couple nights later I had a big break down about it.
“I didn’t move on. I wasn’t really living, Dawn. I thought about her every second of every day and she was just at Xander’s place, and he only lived fifteen minutes away from us.” I take a big gulp of my wine, and sigh a very heavy sigh. I don’t want to think about this anymore. “I’m gonna head on up to bed.” I finish the glass and set it down on the coffee table. Dawn looks a little rejected but I just need to get out of this room. I’m freaking out enough about Faith and Willow going on the mind trip, I don’t need a guilt trip about stuff that happened years ago. I slowly walk up the stairs so I won’t wake the kids up. I go into Dawn’s room and pull my pajamas out of my duffle bag. I packed enough clothes to be gone for three days but I doubt we’re going to be here that long. At least I hope it doesn’t last that long.
Anyway, I pull my pajamas on and turn out the lights. I wait a few seconds for my eyes to adjust, and then I crawl under the covers. Even though Dawn’s bed is really comfortable I don’t think I’m going to get any sleep tonight. Not just because I’m really worried about Faith and Willow, but because it just isn’t the same. I’ve been falling asleep next to Faith for years now, and my body is just too used to it. When I went to Ohio right after Addison was born to try and whip those junior slayers into shape I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. I had a lot of trouble doing anything when I was by myself. I didn’t know what to do. My entire life is planned around my family, that’s just what happens when you become a mother. I wasn’t used to having alone time. And I didn’t want to get used to it.
I don’t look over when the door opens. I know it’s Dawn because I heard her walking towards the room. She hesitates for a few seconds before she walks in the room. I guess she’s debating whether or not she should turn on the overhead light. I don’t wait for her to make a decision. I roll over and turn on the lamp that’s on the nightstand. I roll back over and close my eyes. I listen while she walks in the room and closes the door. Then she walks over to the dresser, and opens up one of the drawers. She strips down and changes into her pajamas and crawls under the covers. I don’t wait for her to say anything before I roll over and turn off the lamp. I stay that way, with my back to her and just focus on breathing. I can’t think about Faith and Willow, or what could happen to them, and what will happen to me and the kids if something bad happens to them. I can’t think about that or I’ll break down and I don’t want to break down.
I feel Dawn’s hand on my back and I tense up a little bit. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. Even though I’m tense she doesn’t stop moving forward. My sister knows me a lot better then I’ve been willing to admit. She knows I don’t really want to be alone right now, but I’m too vulnerable and stubborn to ask for help. She also knows that right now I just need someone to hold me, no matter who it is. I really want it to be Faith, but right now I’d settle for someone I only kind of know. I’m glad it’s Dawn that’s wrapping her arms around me and gently stroking my hair. In the past we weren’t very close because of our age difference, but now that she’s older and experienced a lot of things and can understand life a lot better then a teenager can we’re very close.
Even though she’s whispering to me that it’s ok to break down, and it’s ok to cry and be sad and worried I refuse to let the tears come. If I break down then it’s like I’m giving up, and if I give up and something goes wrong it’ll be my fault. At least that’s how it’ll feel. So right now I’m not going to do anything but lie here and focus on Willow figuring out what’s wrong with my wife and fixing it. And then when all of this is over I can lie in Faith’s arms again and she can be the one to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me that everything is going to be ok now. Then when she’s done working on that bike, and she gets paid we can go away to Hawaii with our babies, and just enjoy each other. We can just relax and forget about being slayers, and just focus on being a normal family, whatever that means.
FPOV
“I’m sorry. We got too close. I was trying to get as close as possible, but the pull kept getting stronger and by the time I realized we needed to move it was already sucking us in,” Red says in a panicked voice. I’m not really paying attention to what she’s saying. I’m pacing back and forth on the sidewalk. We landed in the driveway of the house, of my house, only it isn’t mine. And we’re really here. Not our subconscious selves but us, flesh and bone or however you want to describe it. She already tried using her magic to get us back but something is blocking her. So now we’re stuck in a world where my wife hates me, my kids hate me, and I wasn’t even sure it was real. We’re in an alternate universe, well Red is calling it an alternate dimension but what’s the difference?
“My magic isn’t working because of the other me,” she says I stop pacing and look over at her. I raise an eyebrow but I don’t say anything. “We’re in their world, so they’re the dominate ones. And only one of us can have the powers in the same time at the same time. If they were to go to our dimension then we’d be the one with the powers.” What does she mean by ‘we’? I give her a questioning look and she already knows what I’m going to ask. “You don’t have any slayer powers. Try it, try lifting that car up.” I look over at the SUV in the driveway and shake my head a little bit. This is fucking ridiculous. I have to have my powers without them I’m…nothing. I walk over to the large black car and put my hands under the rear bumper. I try to lift it but nothing happens. Ok, that’s just fucked.
“What the fuck are we going to do?” I ask and walk over to her. The street looks exactly like the one in our world. Same houses, same yards, same trash cans, same street lights, stuff like that, but there are a few differences. The kids running around playing on the sidewalks, enjoying the last few days of summer vacation are different. The cars are different, the paint on a couple of the houses are different colors. Because we’re not just in a different dimension, we’re in the future. A future where my alternate ego is cheating on Buffy, spoils her daughter rotten, and her teenage son hates her. I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here. If Red can’t use her magic then we have to convince the other one that we’re from a different world, and we need her help, if she’s even here. Maybe she doesn’t live in Lincoln Nevada like this Willow.
“Knock on the door, and see if someone’s home?” she says and give her a weird look. Yeah, that sounds like a fantastic idea. “Look, the sooner we make contact the sooner we’re going to get home. Who knows how long we’ve been gone already. Time moves differently in different dimensions. We’ve only been here for twenty minutes but in our world an hour could have passed, or a day, or a week, a month, maybe a year, or years. Do you really want to wait and find out?” She has a point. I don’t want to be gone longer then I have to, and I don’t want to miss out on that much. Why does she have to freak me out like that? Years could have passed? So my kids could already be grown up and Buffy could be completely moved on and married to someone else? I really don’t think I can handle that.
“Alright, but you’re gonna have to do most of the talking since I have no fuckin clue what’s going on.” She nods her head and we both look over at the house. It looks a little different. There are different flowers along the walkway and the rain gutter isn’t broken anymore. Either I finally got off my lazy ass and fixed it or Buffy hired someone. I’m going to just assume Buffy hired someone. I take the lead and start to walk up the walkway. Willow is right behind me and I can tell she’s a little nervous. I have no idea how this is going to go down, but I’m hoping for the best. If nobody wants to cooperate with us then we’re totally fucked, and we’ll be stuck here forever. Either that or we’ll have to find somebody who can help us go to a different dimension.
I just stand in front of the door and look at it for a few minutes. How can everything look almost exactly the same but be so fucking different at the same time? It’s weird, and I don’t like it. I want to be able to talk to this Buffy without the anger, and the hatred and this look that she gets on her face like I’ve let her down. I’ve seen it, and I don’t want to see it anymore. But this needs to be done. If I chicken out just because I’m afraid of my wife’s lookalike then we could be stuck here forever and that’s the last thing I want. So I knock on the door and just wait. There’s a car in the driveway but that doesn’t mean someone is home. Buffy could be at a neighbor’s house or something. Suddenly the door opens and a very pissed of B is looking me dead in the eyes.
“What the fuck are you doing here? I told you to never come back. Don’t you fucking understand? Nobody wants you here. Why can’t you just leave us alone?” Ok, so this is going to be just as hard as I thought it was. I don’t know what to say at first. We just stare at each other for a few seconds. Then she starts to close the door, and I panic. I step forward and put my hand on the door so she can’t close it. She looks into my eyes and I think I just pissed myself. I’ve never seen that much rage and hatred in her eyes before. “Who do you think you are? Get the fuck out of here. Go back to your little whore.” So I guess I’m not just cheating on B anymore, I moved in with that tramp. Great, this is just great.
“Buffy, can we just go inside and talk? You’ve got it all wrong, and we’ll explain everything. Can we please go inside so we can tell you what’s going on?” I can tell just by looking at her face she isn’t going to let me in that door. Desperate times call for desperate measures or however the fuck that saying goes. “Look, I’m not the Faith you know. Willow and I are from a different dimension, and we need to get home. Please, will you help us?” She looks over at Willow and eyes her up and down. Then she eyes me up and down and I guess she’s deciding what to do. Her face is a blank slate and I have no idea what she’s thinking. I need her to believe me or we’re so totally fucked. And not in a good way either. Then she sighs, and holds the door open a little wider.
“You can come in, but if you’re lying to me I swear to God you won’t leave here alive.” I nod my head and look over at Willow. She looks as scared as I feel. Buffy is not the type of person you want to fuck with when she’s pissed. And this Buffy has enough rage in her to keep a small army fighting to the end. I know that sounded pretty stupid, but it’s true. Anyway, she turns around and starts to walk into the house. We have to hurry to keep up with her. I guess she doesn’t believe us. But why would we make this up? Is the other Faith trying to get her back or something? I don’t get it, but I don’t really want to know. The less I know about this world the better. I’m still not convinced that this isn’t my future, and I don’t want to become the woman Buffy hates so much. “Ok, so explain.” She sits down in the recliner in the living room. I sit down on the couch and Red sits down next to me.
“For a while now Faith has been having these really strange dreams. At first I thought a demon was casting a spell to try and weaken her, but I couldn’t find anything like that.” Willow leans forward a little so she’s closer to Buffy. “I did a spell that allowed me to go inside of Faith’s mind and subconscious. I found a…a portal into this dimension. I have no idea how it was opened, but the pull was strong enough to suck us both in. My powers aren’t working, and I can’t get us back to our dimension by myself. I need to talk to the other Willow or a really powerful witch who’s familiar with dimension hopping if we’re going to get back before too much time passes.” I can’t help but notice the expressions that are crossing Buffy’s face while Willow talks. First she doesn’t seem to believe her, then she looks a little sad and angry, but now it’s like a little light bulb has gone off in her mind and she understand something she didn’t before.
“So those dreams you were having weren’t really dreams, you were really coming here?” she asks and she looks…suspicious I guess. I nod my head and her face pales. “I knew something was wrong. Faith may be a cheating, lying bitch but she’d never hurt our daughter. You did that, didn’t you? You’re the one who beat my daughter with a belt, and then just left her there.” She sounds so pissed, and all I can do is nod. I had a feeling she was going to ask about that. Willow looks over at me, and her eyes are wide and she looks shocked. This was the part I didn’t want Red to know. Now she’s never going to look at me the same, and I hate it. “Why did you do it?” She doesn’t sound as pissed off as before. She sounds…sad, and like she’s about to cry or something.
“I don’t know. In my world Addy is still a little girl, and she isn’t spoiled like that. Your Addy was going out with her boyfriend and I could just tell that she was going to sleep with him. I told her she couldn’t go, and she told me to go fuck myself. I grabbed her by the arm so she couldn’t leave and she hit me, and I just lost it. I’m so sorry. I never meant to do anything like that. I’ve never hit any of my children ever.” I look into her hazel eyes, and she just stares right back. I have tears rolling down my cheeks, and I can tell she wants to make them stop. My Buffy can’t stand to see me cry, so it’s not a surprise that this one can’t either. She calms down and I stop crying. I didn’t want to do that but it needed to be done. If she’s going to help us then we need her not pissed off at me or she might not cooperate.
“So what exactly do you need?” she asks looking at Red. Ok, I guess she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Which I get, I mean I did beat her daughter with a belt. I don’t really pay attention as Red starts to go down the list of things she’ll need. I’m too busy listening to the rest of the house. Someone’s upstairs, I can hear them walking around. I wonder if the kids are home. I’m a little afraid to ask because I know she isn’t going to let me see them. It would be nice, though, to see what my kids are going to look like when they get older. Seeing them is the only thing I like about having these dreams, or whatever the fuck was happening. “But if her subconscious was getting sucked through the portal in her sleep then how did she get back to your reality?” That’s a really good question. Yeah, Red, how did I get back?
“Whoever cast the spell didn’t have enough magic to keep her here. When we were in Faith’s mind the portal fed off of my magic and became strong enough to suck us both in. And not just our subconscious but our bodies too. I can’t use my magic, and Faith doesn’t have her slayer powers because only one set of us can have the power, and magic at the same time in the same time.” Didn’t she say that part already? Oh, right, she only explained it to me. I guess she’s going to be saying this little speech a lot. “Because we’re in your world the Faith and Willow who live here are the dominate ones, so they get to keep the powers.” Buffy nods her head and her eyebrows scrunch up a little bit. I love it when she gets that look on her face. Well, I love it when my Buffy gets that look on her face.
“So the only way to get you home is to get the Willow of this reality to send you back and then close the portal?” she asks and Willow nods her head a little bit. I’m assuming that the Red here is just as powerful as the one from my reality. “There’s a little problem with that plan. I don’t know what it’s like in your reality but here Willow and I don’t talk much. Well, we don’t talk at all. She was dating someone who was abusive, and treated her horribly. I wanted her to dump him, but she kept saying no, and finally I went too far. I threatened the guy, told him to leave and never come back or I’d kill him. He left, and he never came back, and Willow still hasn’t forgiven me. That was five years ago, and no nobody but Giles knows where she’s living, and he won’t tell us. I guess he’s sworn to secrecy or something.” Great. Just fuckin great.
“Wait, the other me was dating a guy?” she asks and I smile a little bit. She sounds so confused, it’s kind of…cute, I guess. Yes, I just called Red cute. It’s not a big deal. Don’t freak out about it. Buffy nods her head a little and she has this look on her face like ‘what else would she be dating?’ “That’s a little strange.” Buffy looks even more confused now. Damn, maybe this one really is a natural blonde. “I’m gay. I had a boyfriend in high school and some of my freshman year of college, but then I met a woman who opened my eyes to a different way of thinking.” Or a different way of fucking. Buffy’s eyes open up wide and her mouth makes this little o shape and she nods her head a couple of times. “Why are you so surprised? I thought you were gay.” Willow looks over at me with this ‘what the hell?’ look on her face and I just shrug.
“I am. But come on, you being gay, it’s just a little weird that’s all. I’ve been out and proud since I started dating Faith, but there’s no way you can be gay.” Ok, I think we need to end this conversation before Red goes off on one of her freedom of choice rants that she gets into whenever a waiter or waitress gives us strange looks whenever we go out of double takes. Yes, Buffy makes me go out on double dates with Willow and Sky. They aren’t so bad but I’d still rather be at home reading a magazine or dancing at a club then eating in some fancy restaurant getting strange looks from everyone else. “I wasn’t trying to offend you. I’m sorry. I’m just a little wigged out by all of this. So, there’s another me out there somewhere?” I nod my head and she looks even more curious. “What is it like in your reality?” I look over at Willow to see if it’s ok, and she just shrugs her shoulders.
“The biggest difference is the time. Here the kids are teenagers, but where we come from Mattie’s thirteen, Addy is six, and Joey is three. They can be real brats sometimes, but I love ‘em to death. Seeing them so grown is up pretty cool. That’s the first thing my Buffy wants to know about when I wake up from one of those dreams. She likes hearing about what the kids look like, and what they sound like, and how they dress and stuff like that. Lately the dreams have been different though.” I guess she can just tell by the look on my face that I’m talking about the cheating. She just nods her head and looks sad. Then she gets this look on her face, this weird little questioning look, and I have no idea what it means. She looks into my eyes and kinda tilts her head to the side.
“Who’s Mattie?” she asks and my heart stops. Not literally but it feels like it. Please tell me she didn’t get an abortion. “Wait, you have an older son too?” I nod my head and I guess she comes to a conclusion about something. “We had a son in our senior year of college, but his name is Daniel, the other you always calls him Danny.” Oh. Weird, I wonder why they named him that. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. “Where did you get the name Mattie?” I guess the name difference matters to her. I sigh a little bit as I think about it. I don’t have to think to know how we got the name, but if this Buffy is anything like mine then she’ll want the whole story.
“We couldn’t decide on a name. Buffy wanted to name him Robert, and I wanted to name him Casey. We just couldn’t decide and you only have a week to think about it and then the hospital has to write something down. So it was the day before the deadline and we were arguing about the name, and Dawn looked down at him and said ‘what about Matthew? He kind of looks like a Matthew.’ And I picked him up and looked into his eyes and we both just knew that that name was perfect. How did you get Daniel?” The little smile on her face changes from amusement to one of those smiles people get when they think about a happy memory. She shifts a little in the chair and finally speaks up.
“When I went into labor there was this big traffic jam on the freeway. Faith was completely freaking out because she had no idea what to do. I was in the backseat and freaking out because my contractions were getting closer together. He was coming, and he wasn’t going to wait for me to be in a hospital. I just started yelling ‘the baby is coming’ over and over again. Faith jumped out of the car and ran around to the back and opened up the door. When she looked between my legs she almost fainted, and the next thing I know some guy is standing right behind her. He said he’d delivered a baby before and said he could help. Faith tried to calm me down, but it was scary, and painful, but it was the most wonderful thing to happen to me. It felt like I was part of something bigger, you know?” I nod my head because I do. I got that feeling when I was giving birth to Addy.
“The man who helped me was a doctor. Not an ob but he had a medical kit so he had some little scissors and Faith cut the cord, and the guy stitched up the little nub, or whatever it’s called. He stayed with us until I was checked in at the hospital. He gave us our privacy but he was always there just waiting and watching just in case something happened. Before he left Faith asked him what his name was and it just seemed so perfect. So Daniel is named after the man who delivered him.” Wow, that was a good story. I wonder what else is different about our lives. If the other Willow doesn’t want to cooperate I guess we’re going to have a long time to share and find out. “Is Dawn the man who delivered Matthew?” What the fuck is she talking about?
“No. Dawn is your sister.” She gives me a weird look like I just grew a second head or something. Ok, um, that’s another really big difference. “Ok, well, in my reality you have a little sister named Dawn. She was a key to a demon dimension and some monks shaped her into a human, and sent her to you. They did a spell to give everyone memories so you’d all think she was there the whole time.” Now she’s looking at me like I grew another head, turned purple, sprouted horns, and have puss seeping through my pores. “I take it that didn’t happen.” She shakes her head no, and then her eyebrows wrinkle up like they always do when she’s confused.
“If Dawn was a key to a demon dimension then why did they send her to me? Shouldn’t they have sent her somewhere where she would be safe?” And what the fuck is she talking about? Buffy was the slayer at the time. I was just the loser serving a life sentence. Or maybe that didn’t happen. Now I really want to know all about their lives, and what is different. Maybe it could have happened to me if the circumstances were different, you know?
“Well, they knew you would keep her safe from Glory, the hell god who was after her. They knew that the slayer would kill anyone who tried to hurt her family.” Well, she didn’t kill me. Which is a good thing. Now she looks even more confused and I have no idea what to expect. I guess I should stop trying to guess what’s going to come out of her mouth since I have no fucking clue. She takes in a deep breath and lets it out really slow. She sighed, I guess you could say.
“I’m not the slayer. Faith is the slayer.” I look over at Willow and she has the same ‘what the hell?’ look on her face. Then I look over at Buffy and give her my questioning look. She rolls her eyes and tries not to get irritated. I’ve seen that look a lot. Trust me I know she’s trying to stay in control of her anger. “I moved to Sunnydale in my sophomore year of high school after my parents divorced. Faith was one of the most popular girls in school. She wasn’t in with the preppies or the cheerleaders or anything. She just looked out for everyone, made sure the jocks didn’t pick on the geeks too much. One day I was getting a drink from the fountain and she asked me out. We’ve been together ever since. I mean, things haven’t always been easy, and I do have a lot of regrets, but I’m glad I didn’t turn her down.” That is so fucked.
“So your Faith grew up in California, she’s not from Boston?” I ask and she shakes her head no. What a different a coast makes. Well, I guess I shouldn’t be comparing myself to the other Faith. She may have been the queen b, had a nice life, and all of that shit, but look where she is now. She’s cheating on her wife, in a marriage where they hate each other, and the kids are taking the other parent’s side. Except for when Addy wants something then she’s all about me. “Ok, we need to focus here if we’re going to get back to our own reality before too much time passes. You’re still talking to Giles right?” She nods her head yes and I sigh a breath of relief. “Good, ‘cause we’re gonna need a lot of books, and a lot of coffee. So was I your first or did Angel steal you away for a while?”
BPOV
I can’t believe this is happening. How completely insane is this? My wife’s…alter ego is sitting in my living room with Willow’s alter ego, drinking coffee and trying to figure out a way to get home. This morning I woke up and planned on taking things easy. Things have been so stressful for so long, and I’m exhausted. I just wanted one day of nothing thinking about anything. The kids can take care of themselves for a day. I was going to lock myself in my room and just stay in bed and do nothing and it was going to be great. But then this happened, and now I have no peace. Not only that but now I’m a liar. Ok, so I’m not really a liar. Willow was in an abusive relationship, and I did step in but that’s not why she moved and that’s not why we haven’t said a word to each other in five years.
We’re not talking because the night I ran Kevin out of here, I figured it was something to celebrate about. I went out and picked up some Chinese from our favorite place and I was going to do something special with Faith. When I got home I put the food down on the kitchen counter and tiptoed upstairs to surprise my wife. I thought she would be getting ready for bed since it was pretty late. What I saw when I opened the door was my wife and my best friend in my bed, completely naked, grinding against each other and grunting like animals. You’re probably thinking that I freaked out. That I started calling both of them names like whores and sluts, and tried to do something violent. I didn’t. I got in my car, I picked the kids up from their friends’ houses and we left. I didn’t bother to pack any suitcases or anything like that.
We drove for five hours straight. Addison talked a lot, asked where we were going and what was wrong. She finally gave up after awhile and the rest of the ride was in silence. I pulled over into the parking lot of one of those twenty-four hour gas stations mostly so the kids could stretch their legs. I filled up the car with gas and let them buy some junk food and sodas. I normally don’t let them eat stuff like that but when your whole world shatters in less then two minutes your priorities change. I said two minutes because that’s how long I stood there and watched them. That’s how long I was standing in the doorway just staring at them and they didn’t even look up. They just kept grinding against each other, not saying a word, and I don’t think their eyes were even open. I realized right then that nothing was going to be the same, and even though I’m forty-five years old I needed my mommy.
Anyway, we got back in the car and drove the three and a half hours to my mom’s house. Addison and Joseph stayed in the guest bedrooms. I stayed in my mom’s room, curled up in her bed, crying my eyes out for three days. Sometimes my mom was there to try and calm me down, sometimes she wasn’t, but it didn’t really matter. I hardly noticed when she was in the room because I was too wrapped up in dying inside. At least that’s what it felt like. The second day we were there Faith called. I didn’t want to talk to her. I have no idea how that conversation would have gone. I didn’t want to her hear any of her excuses or apologies. The kids talked to her, and my mom told her that if she calls again not to ask for me. I felt a little better knowing no one was going to try and force me to do the adult thing.
When I got back to Lincoln I could barely contain my anger. As soon as I walked in the door I started screaming at Faith. All I could see was her, sitting on the couch in her fucking bathrobe, and everything else just faded away. I didn’t really even know what I was saying. I was just so pissed off and I needed to vent. In my mind she was the perfect thing to vent on. She kept quiet for a while until I questioned her on why she did it. She said she didn’t really know how it happened. That one second she was talking to Willow, and then next they were kissing, and the next they were in the bed. I didn’t believe her, and I wanted some better answers. She couldn’t give them to me, or she wouldn’t so I left. I was still pissed off and I needed to get it out or it would have killed me. At least that’s how it felt. I probably shouldn’t have done what I did, but there’s no changing that now.
I went over to Willow’s place and had it out with her. I said some pretty hurtful things, but I didn’t care. She was going through a tough time but that’s no excuse to sleep with my wife. After screaming at her for a while I got in my car and drove off. Willow packed up and moved that night, and I haven’t heard from her since. I know it’s a very fucked up situation. You don’t have to tell me that. It’s been hard dealing with it all, and I’ve become numb to the situation. Our marriage ended that day, and neither of us have made a real attempt to fix it. I stopped having sex with her because it felt wrong. Then she started sleeping with a girl she works with, some twenty-something year old hussy. I hate the person I’ve become, and I hate where we ended up but there’s nothing we can do about that now.
“Mom!” Great, I was really hoping they would just stay upstairs. I hear Addison stomping down the stairs like a freight train, and I walk into the living room. If she sees Faith in there she’s going to freak out. I kicked Faith out because Addison is too afraid to be around her. Ok, so that’s my excuse. I’m sure Addison would have gotten over it, but it gave me a perfect excuse to kick Faith out of the house without having to explain to the kids that their mother has been cheating on me for five years. “Mom I’m gonna be late for soccer practice!” Shit, I forgot that was today. I rush into the living room about the same time as Addison, and she stops dead in her tracks as soon as she sees Faith. “Mom!” God she sounds so scared. “Mom, get in here!” I walk further into the room and she finally spots me. She runs over to my side and puts her hand on my arm. She’ll never admit it because she has too much pride, but she’s terrified.
“It’s ok, sweetie.” I know she’s going to argue. She gets that same look on her face that Faith gets right before she starts arguing. “Addison, don’t look at me like that. This isn’t really Mama or Willow. These women are from another dimension and they need our help to get home.” She gives me a weird look, and then looks over at Faith and Willow. They’re both standing up now, and they look a little nervous. “Joseph, will you come down here please?” I might as well get the introductions over and done with. The kids help out sometimes with the research of demons, but I don’t know if they’re going to be helping out this time or not. We wait for him to stomp down the stairs and when he walks out into the living room he stops and glares at Faith and Willow. I don’t know if it’s because he’s the youngest but he’s definitely taking the split the hardest.
“What the fuck are they doing here?” he asks and takes a step towards Faith. I guess he plans on kicking her out. I can’t believe how much he changed. He used to be so happy and easy going. Ever since the car accident four years ago he’s been like this. None of us have been the same after that, but he’s the worst and nothing is helping the situation. I run forward because I can tell he’s about to lose control. I get in between him and the other two and he looks like he’s mad enough to hit me. I know he won’t, he’d never hurt me, but he looks like he could. “What are they doing here?” I put my hand on his shoulder. His face is turning really red, and he’s tense and shaking all over. I hate it when he gets like this.
“It’s ok, sweetie, just let me explain ok?” He glances over my shoulder and glares at them. I can tell he’s looking at Faith. He blames everything on her. I gently touch his cheek and make him look at me. His browns eyes are so full of anger, and hate, and it’s breaking my heart all over again. “These women aren’t the ones that we know. They’re from a different dimension, and they were brought here by a portal. They want to get home very badly and we need to help them before something bad happens. If seeing them is going to be too upsetting, then you can go over to Jimmy’s until we get this sorted out. It’s ok if you don’t want to look at them. It’s hard for me too, but these women haven’t done anything wrong to us.” Except Faith beat my baby with a belt, but I can’t blame her for that. At least not right now. After we send them back I’ll explain to Addison that it wasn’t her mother that treated her so horribly.
“It’s really not her?” he asks and he’s starting to calm down now. His breathing is slower, and a little steadier, and his face isn’t as red. I shake my head no, and he lets out a really big sigh. The rest of his body starts to relax a little and I try not to sigh in relief. He hates it when I do that. He gets so angry so fast, and most of the time it’s gone just as soon as it came. It’s been happening since the accident, and like I said nothing is helping him. I stroke his cheek with my thumb a couple of times and then I give him a little smile. He doesn’t smile back but I can tell he’s way calmer then he was before. I turn around and face the dimension hoppers, and Faith looks a little freaked out. I guess she got the feeling that he was really going to hurt her. I don’t blame her. I was getting that feeling too. “Faith, Willow, this is Joseph and Addison, but she likes to be called Addy.” Addison waves at them and Willow waves back. Faith just nods.
“So you guys are from, like, another reality?” she asks and I roll my eyes. It seemed like ever since she hit puberty she uses the word ‘like’ way too much. Faith nods her head and Addison’s face lights up. Ever since she found out that dimension hopping does exist outside of science fiction she’s wanted to go to an alternate reality, or meet someone from an alternate reality. Well, now she’s getting her wish. I never thought it was going to happen, obviously, but I think it’s safe to say she’s going to be missing soccer practice today. “What’s it like there? Do I exist? How different is it from here?” Wow, she’s full of questions. Faith raises an eyebrow and sits back down on the couch. Willow sits down next to her, and Addison sits down in the chair. I sit down on the arm of the chair and Joseph sits on the floor by the coffee table. He always sits there. He’s a little strange.
“Well, uh,” she looks over at me, and she looks a little unsure. So she’s leaving this up to me huh? I guess it’s considerate that she wants my permission to tell my children how much better her reality is. She and the other Buffy are still happily married, they haven’t cheated on each other, and nothing horrible has happened to their family. At least not from what she told me. I nod my head and she sighs a little. I guess she’s trying to figure out how to word it without upsetting them. “It’s very different from here. We’re about nine years in the passed so both of you are still little kids.” I look down and Addison is smiling very wide. I don’t know why, but she is. It’s a little creepy if you ask me. “And Willow here is into the Sapphic lifestyle.” Addison laughs, but then covers her mouth up. Yeah, that was my reaction too, but I’m sure you remember.
“Did you sleep with her?” Joseph asks. I tense up as soon as the words fall from his mouth. I look over at him with a glare on my face but he’s ignoring me. His eyes are focused on Faith, and she looks totally confused. And this is what I get for lying. How did I know it was going to come back and bite me in the ass? “Aunt Willow moved away because the other you slept with her, and my mom freaked out. So have you slept with her?” He glances over at the Willow sitting on the couch and then back to Faith. She shakes her head no and she looks a little freaked out. So does Willow. Joseph scoffs at that, and I shake my head a little. He either doesn’t believe her or he’s already thinking that her world is better then ours. Maybe he’s right. Maybe their world is better then ours, but that’s no reason to act like that.
“I think that’s enough sharing for one day,” I say and stand up. Addison starts to protest but I give her a look and she quiets down. “You’re going to be late for soccer practice.” She nods her head and stands up. I give her a once over and I have to admit that she’s growing up really fast. I kind of wish I can go back with Faith and see my baby girl when she’s just a little kid. Right now she’s wearing her practice uniform, and it actually shows off her figure. I think she ordered the shirt form fitting on purpose. She has her hair back in a ponytail, and I always like it when she wears her hair back. It makes her look more like a young woman then a teenage girl. She hates it when I say that, especially in front of her friends. She gets so embarrassed, it’s cute.
“I’ll have Stephen give me a ride since you’re gonna be busy,” she says and she looks a little disappointed, but she isn’t fooling me. She has this look in her eyes that says she couldn’t be happier that I’m going to be preoccupied. Stephen is her boyfriend. He’s also an asshole and I hate him. Ok, so I don’t hate him, but I don’t want my daughter around him. I can’t fight it though. Sure I don’t want her seeing him, but I don’t want her to do something stupid just to rebel against me. I don’t want her getting pregnant at fifteen just because I said she can’t date her asshole boyfriend. I try to smile but with everything going on and the fact that I don’t like her boyfriend I just can’t force myself to smile right now. Instead I lean over and give her a little kiss on the forehead. What? A mother has the right to embarrass her children in front of other people.
“That sounds good. But remember you come home right after practice. I expect you to be here at six thirty sharp.” Practice gets out at six. I know it doesn’t take thirty minutes to drive from the field to our house, but she works hard and she gets really good grades so I think she deserves a little freedom. Even if it’s just half an hour of make out time with her boyfriend. “Try not to show off, ok?” She smiles and nods her head and then she runs back upstairs. I don’t know if it’s because her mother is a slayer or what, but that girl is gifted when it comes to sports, and she’s always showing off her talents. She’s so much like Faith that sometimes it hurts to look at her. I know how fucked up that sounds, but it’s true. I look at her and I see my wife, and sometimes it’s a little too much for me to handle.
“Joseph you can help research if you want. But I think you should just go over to Jimmy’s for a while.” I know she isn’t our Faith but they look exactly the same, they sound exactly the same, they even smell the same. I don’t think he should be around her while his emotions are all over the place. He gets up and gives me a little glare. Great, what the fuck was that about? Then he stomps up to his bedroom and slams the door. I thought only teenage girls were supposed to act like that. “I’m sorry about that. He’s having a really tough time with everything.” Faith nods her head and Willow tells me not to worry about it. I have been worrying about it though, and for a long time. His anger was bad enough after the car accident, and ever since he hit puberty things have gotten so much worst. I have no idea what to do about it.
“I know this is a big inconvenience, and we wanna get outta your hair as soon as possible, but that spell wiped me out is there any place I can crash for a while before we start the big research party?” Faith asks and Willow nods her head a little bit. I guess they’re both tired. I wonder what spell they used. Probably a powerful one. I’m sure Willow hasn’t changed, and it seemed like the bigger the spell the better. “If you don’t want us staying here we can always just crash at a motel. I don’t have any money with me though.” I shake my head a little and she gives me a weird look. I guess I need to explain. Talking about Faith is too hurtful right now. The emotional wounds are too fresh, but I need to tell them why that’s not a good idea, even though I really don’t want to.
“Faith works for a large hotel chain. Part of her job is surveying the cheaper hotels or motels and then contacting the owners and making them an offer if the board members think it’s a good investment. She’s pretty well known, so you won’t be welcome anywhere. And I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be out and about. Someone might catch on to the fact that there are two of you, and the less people that are involved with this the better.” She nods her head and sighs a little. If she’s anything like my Faith then she hates being cooped up indoors. But that’s just the way it has to be for now. Maybe when it gets dark she can go patrolling or something, but for now she just needs to stay put. “You can stay in the guest room. I’ll make some calls, see if Giles will give me Willow’s number.” They give each other a little look and I know exactly what they mean by it. I try not to get frustrated, but it’s hard.
I walk them to the guest room and they both look so relieved to see a bed. Faith looks a little confused though, and I think I know why. When we were walking down the hall she seemed to know the layout of the house. I didn’t even have to point out the bathroom before she called dibs. So she knows what bedroom this is. Or at least, she knows whose bedroom this is supposed to be. I don’t let her question me on it though, because I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it, it’s too painful. I leave them alone and I head down to the kitchen. I’ve never been a drinker, but right now I could really use a glass of…anything, as long as I relax a little. I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle this. She’s Faith, but then she’s not Faith, and it’s going to drive me crazy.
It’s going to drive me crazy because I don’t hate my wife. I miss her. I miss her so much. But for the last couple years we’ve grown apart so much, and she can’t even look at me, let alone touch me. It’s been so lonely, and having this woman in the house who looks just like my wife, and sounds like her, and even smells like her is going to be hard. Because when she looks at me it’s just like the way Faith would look at me when we were in high school, or college. She looks at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, and she’s so happy to just be in the same room as me, and that’s the way the other Faith was looking at me the entire time we were talking, and it drove me a little nuts just sitting there. So, no, I don’t think I’m going to be able to handle this, at least without doing something stupid. Why can’t my life just be normal for once?
