Chapter 67:  The Unthinkable

One Week Later. MPOV

“Would you just back the fuck off already? I don’t want to talk to about it!” I hear one of them yell, and a door slams. Mama was the one who yelled. She’s been doing that a lot lately. She’s been having dreams about another reality, at least I think it’s another reality. I’m not too sure and neither is anyone else. She thinks it’s the future, her future, that she’s seeing. She hasn’t said it out loud but I see the fear in her eyes whenever Mom asks her about the dreams, and I know it’s what she’s thinking. I guess she had another dream and Mom’s pushing her to talk about it. She thinks she’s helping, but she’s just making things worst.

I wish aunt Willow would hurry up and figure out what the fuck has been going on. Nothing can ever be peaceful around here for too long without something royally fucked up coming along and ruining it for everyone. My parents definitely set the mood for the house, especially Mom. If she isn’t happy then no one is happy, and when they fight the air gets so thick with tension you can almost cut it with a knife. But the bad thing about it is if their voices are loud enough to wake me up then it means they woke up the other two. I sleep like a damn rock, Addy and Joey are pretty light sleepers.

I hear footsteps on the stairs and I sigh. That’s mostly likely Mama going out to the garage. She’s been going out there the last couple nights and getting completely shit-faced. She tries to hide it, but I know she’s doing it, and Mom knows she’s doing it. Addy and Joey are still too young, but they know something’s wrong. They’re little not stupid. When I was little I always knew when they were fighting. Not just because of the yelling and the door slamming. I could just tell. When they fight they’re tense around each other until they make up. They try not to fight in front of us, and they try to keep their voices down, and sometimes they do. But we can always tell the next day because they don’t act like themselves.

They don’t fight as much as they used to. I remember a couple years ago, right before Nick and Alex were born I thought they were going to get a divorce. They were always fighting, and they didn’t even try to hide it. But then that demon kidnapped Mom and it scared the hell out of both of them. She almost died, even after I killed the demon she had that stuff inside of her. Aunt Willow had to do some spells before we went back to the hotel room to purge Mom’s system. I guess a near death experience will make you more willing to work things out. I don’t want anything bad to happen to my parents but I kinda wish they’d have another one so they’ll stop being stupid and get along again.

There’s more footsteps in the hallway, but they’re light. Definitely not either of my moms’. I look over at my door and I wait. I was wondering when she was going to sneak out of her bed and come in here. She gets scared when my moms fight, and she’s been coming in here. Usually not all night, but she has fallen asleep in here before. I hear the doorknob jiggle a little bit and I shake my head. Most of the time I just want her to leave me alone, but I kinda like that she comes to me after our moms fight, or when she has a nightmare. It makes me feel, important, I guess. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.

“Brother,” I hear her whisper from the doorway. She opens the door just enough to slip inside, and then she instantly closes it. She looks over at me, but I guess she can’t tell that my eyes are open. “Brother, are you awake?” I can tell just by her voice that she’s been crying. I hate what my parents’ fighting is doing to her. I hate it when she cries. I don’t know why I feel the strong need to protect her. Mama thinks it’s because I’m the man of the house, but I doubt it. I don’t feel this way about Joey. With Addison it’s like I have to make sure she’s ok, and if she’s not then I have to do everything in my power to fix it.

“Yeah Addy, I’m awake,” I tell her and sit up a little bit. She runs across the floor and jumps on the foot of my bed. She crawls up the bed and gets under the covers. She can be very intrusive when she wants to be. She scoots closer until she’s pressed right against me and I wrap an arm around her. She starts crying again and I gently rub her back. She’s so small, and her whole body is shaking. She usually isn’t like this, but tonight the fight was really loud. They said a lot of cuss words, and called each other a lot of really bad names too. “It’s ok, Addy, please stop crying. They’re not fighting anymore.” Yeah I know how lame that sounds.

“They were still scary,” she sobs and wraps her arms around me and squeezes really tight. If she was doing this to a normal person they wouldn’t be able to breathe. And she’s right, they were scary. I hate it when they fight, and I really hate it when they get that angry when they fight. It wasn’t just the yelling, and the cussing, and the name calling. It sounded like one of ‘em slammed something against the wall, or maybe punched it. That’s the worst because it makes all the walls shake. Well, maybe not all of them but all of the ones up here.

I hear footsteps on the stairs and I tense up. I know it’s Mama because she’s coming up the stairs. I don’t know what she’s going to do. Usually when she goes out to the garage she stays down there all night. I know it isn’t Mom because she’s in her room crying. She’s trying to be quiet, but I can hear her. I let my slayer senses crawl and I can feel Mama. She gets to the top of the stairs and walks down the hall. She stops in front of Addy’s room. What the hell? She walks inside but then walks back out. I guess she saw that Addy isn’t in her bed. I can hear her footsteps getting closer and I tense up even more. I tighten my grip on Addy but she doesn’t notice. She’s too busy crying.

“Hey,” she whispers when she opens the door. She turns on the hall light and it leaks into my room. Her eyes are red, and her face is all blotching. Yep, she was crying. She doesn’t smell like alcohol though. She walks closer and sits down on the edge of my bed. I don’t say anything even though I want to. I want to tell her to stop being stupid. That she should just tell Mom whatever it was she saw in the dream and apologize for saying all of those mean things. But I know if I do then she’ll get pissed at me, and then we’ll start fighting. She slowly reaches out and picks Addy up. She holds her really closer to her body, and Addy wraps her arms around Mama’s neck, and cries against her shoulder.

“Shh, baby it’s ok. Mama’s got you, shhh.” She gets up and walks out of the room, and shuts the door. I hear her walking down the stairs. What the hell is she doing? I have to know, I can’t just sit here. I get up and silently walk across the room. I open the door and peek out. Mom’s still in her room, and I know she isn’t going to come out for the rest of the night. Then again I thought Mama was going to drink herself to sleep so you never know. I slowly creep down the stairs and I can hear Addy crying. The sound is coming from the living room so that’s where I go. I avoid the squeaky floorboard, and stand in the doorway.

Mama’s sitting on the couch, with Addy cradled up against her. She’s slowly rocking back and forth and rubbing Addy’s back. She’s crying too, but she isn’t sobbing like Addy is. There are tears running down her cheeks and her bottom lip is kinda quivering. What the hell was in that dream? Does something bad happen to Addy? Does she get sick again? Now I really want to know what the fuck she saw inside her mind. I take a couple steps into the room and she looks up at me. She doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t look mad or anything. She just looks away and keeps rubbing Addy’s back.

“What did you see?” I ask in a whisper. She doesn’t look at me, but I know she heard me because her shoulders are tense. I walk closer to her but stop so I’m standing in the middle of the room. “Mama, what did you see?” She wraps her arms a little tighter around my sister but she still doesn’t look at me. I sit down on the couch next to her and just stare at her face. I know it’s only a matter of time before she’ll look at me. “Mama, what did you see?” I’m not going to let this go. I don’t care if this is the reason my parents were fighting, and she’s really upset now. This has something to do with Addison and I’m going to find out what.

“Matthew, you need to get back to bed, right now,” she says with her stern ‘do what I say or suffer the consequences’ voice. But I don’t move. She sighs and stops rocking. Addy isn’t crying as loud as she was before. I guess she’s starting to fall asleep. It’s really late and I’m surprised she isn’t asleep already. She finally looks over at me and she’s trying to look intimidating but the tears aren’t really helping. “You need to go back to bed.” I just look at her dead in the eyes and I don’t move.

“No. Not until you tell me what happened.” She looks away, and she gets this look on her face like someone just smacked her. “I know it has something to do with Addy. What is it?” She looks at Addy and smiles a little bit. She gently kisses her on the cheek and runs her fingers through her curly hair. She must be asleep. I look at her for a few seconds and I can’t help but smile. Addy’s a little devil when she’s awake, but she always looks so peaceful when she’s asleep. “Mama, tell me what happens to her.”

“You’re going to bed right now. It doesn’t matter what happened, because it’s just a dream. It’s not the future, it isn’t going to come true. So go back to bed.” She leans against the back of the couch and closes her eyes. I just watch her and I can tell she’s getting irritated. Her eyebrows are furrowed and she’s frowning. “Go to bed Matthew.” I roll my eyes and get up. She isn’t going to tell me, I don’t know why I bothered. They never tell me anything that’s important. They just treat me like some fucking kid. Well, I’m not a kid, I’m a slayer. If I were at the school I’d be treated with respect. I’d get to go patrolling, and help out whenever a big bad comes to town. I wouldn’t have to put up with shit like this.

I climb the stairs and start walking towards my bedroom. I can hear my mom crying though, and it hurts. What is it about hearing your mom cry that makes a knot build up in your chest? I feel like I want to hit something. I go into my room and have to force myself not to slam the door. I lay back down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. This is so fucked up. What the hell did she see? Aunt Willow and aunt Sky need to figure this shit out. I know they’re all excited because aunt Sky’s pregnant and aunt Willow’s always wanted a baby. So I know it’s a big deal, but they really need to figure this out first before they start making plans. I guess they don’t see it that way since they haven’t done anything. I still feel like I need to hit something.

DPOV

It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from him. One week ago tonight I told someone that they’ve been a father for the last three years and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s not like it went over well. He made no promises to call or stop by. I told him to think about it, and then get a hold of me when he comes to a decision. He either decided he doesn’t want to be a dad, or he still hasn’t decided what to do. At this point I don’t know which one is worst. I want him to be there for his sons just like any dad should, but if he doesn’t think he can handle it then I think it would be better that he just stays away. I don’t want him to come into our lives and have the boys get attached to him if he’s going to just walk out on us. I mean, them. If he’s going to just walk out on them.

“Mommy why you crying?” Nick asks and puts one of his hands on my thigh. Shit, I was hoping he would stay in the living room and play with his toys. Why do kids always have to come looking for you if they think you’ve been gone too long? I look down at him and he has the cutest little expression on his face. I look away and wipe my tears away. I’ve been crying for a good half hour now. They both know that something’s wrong. I never do the dishes by hand unless I’m upset. “Mommy are you sad?” He sounds so concerned and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. I look down at him when all of my tears are gone and I give him a small smile. It doesn’t do anything to reassure him. If anything it irritates him.

“No sweetie, I’m not sad. Mommy just doesn’t feel too good.” It isn’t a complete lie. I feel like shit right now. I guess I kind of got my hopes up about Michael calling, and now that it’s been a week that hope is slowly starting to die. It isn’t just the fact that he hasn’t called, but all of this is reminding how it felt to be abandoned by my dad. I mean, he came over once, and we went to his place for one summer and that was it. When Mom got sick he never called us back. He didn’t come to her funeral or anything. I was so mad at him about that. I know their marriage didn’t work out and the final straw was him cheating on her, but I always thought that he cared about her deep down. Or that he at least cared about us. I guess I was completely wrong about that. I have abandonment issues, so what?

“Yes you are Mommy. You’re sad. Why are you sad?” He just doesn’t give up does he? He’s either a slayer which is completely impossible or he just inherited Buffy’s stubbornness. I can’t believe my kid takes after my sister. It’s so weird. I guess he could get it from my mom. She was really stubborn when she wanted to be. I dry my hands off with the dishtowel and step away from the sink. I pick my little boy up and prop him on my hip. They’re both getting big, a little too big to be picking them up like this. He slowly raises his hand to my face and touches my nose with his fingertips. I hate that my nose turns really red whenever I cry. “You look like Rudolph, Mommy.” He smiles and laughs a little bit and it makes me smile.

“I do, huh?” I ask and he nods his head. I give him a kiss on the tip of his nose and he squeals. I take him into the living room and sit down on the couch. Alex is sitting on the floor playing with is blocks. God, he loves those blocks. I’ve spent so much money on all different kinds of toys for them to play with and Alex won’t touch anything but the blocks. “Hey little man, wanna come up here and cuddle with Mommy?” One of my favorite things to do is cuddle with my kids. He nods his head and stands up. I don’t think I pay enough attention to them because whenever I ask them if they want to cuddle they always get excited and instantly stop what they’re doing. It’s not like I’m ignore them or anything. It’s just my work keeps me very busy and sometimes I have to bring stuff home to get it finished before a deadline.

Anyway, I rearrange Nick so he’s sitting on my right thigh and I have one arm wrapped around him. Alex climbs up on the couch and sits down next to me. Now he’s a lot different from Nick in the sense that he doesn’t like to be crowded. Like right now, Nick is sitting on my thigh, pressed up against my chest and he’s holding my arm so it’s pressed against him. The most Alex is going to let me do is wrap my arm around back and let my hand rest on his side. He has his moments where he’ll want me to hold him and give him kisses but those are few and far between. I like that my kids are so different. Just because they’re twins it doesn’t mean they’re going to act the same, and I’m glad that they’re individuals. How come it seems like every time you settle in and get all comfy someone rings the doorbell?

“You two stay here, Mommy needs to answer the door.” I get up and turn on the TV and switch it over to cartoons. That’s the only way Nick will stay put for longer then five minutes. And even then there’s no guarantee that he won’t come out to see who it is. He’s a curious kid, which is good, but sometimes it’s a pain in the ass. The doorbell rings again and instantly I’m irritated. “I’m coming!” God, I can’t believe I just said that out loud. I know I didn’t mean anything by it but it just sounds wrong. Normally I’m not this gutter minded, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had any and trust me I’m wanting it. Anyway, I open the door and my jaw literally drops open in surprise.

“Hey,” he says and gets a little bashful smile on his face. “Is now a bad time?” What the fuck? Why is he here? How did he find out my address? Well, that one’s easy he probably called Willow or something. But I don’t get it, why is he here? “I can go if you want. I’m sure you’re busy what with having your own clothing company and all.” How does he know about that? Has he been keeping tabs on me or something? This is really freaky, and I just need a minute to think.

“I’m not busy,” I breathe out more then I say. “You can come in if you want. I just need to take care of something first.” I stand back and let him walk into my home. Seeing him again is...odd and I’m still not too sure what to think. I leave him in the foyer and walk into the living room. He isn’t following me which is good. I really don’t need the boys questioning me on this. And trust me they would have lots of questions. “Ok, you two it’s bed time.” They both whine and carry on but they get up and start marching towards the stairs. I go back into the foyer and just look at him. He looks different. I can’t tell what it is yet, but I know he looks different. “The kitchen’s that way.” I tell him and point to the doorway behind him. “Just wait for me in there.” He nods his head and we walk in the opposite direction.

I head up the stairs and firs into Nick’s room. I’m very surprised to see that he’s actually getting ready for bed. I guess I had a no-nonsense tone when I told them it was bed time. Anyway, I help him change into his pajamas and tuck him in. I know I’m skipping the whole brushing their teeth thing but I can always have them do it a little longer in the morning. There are more pressing issues at the moment. After I tell him goodnight and that I love him I go into Alex’s room. I’m not surprised to see that not only is he dressed but he’s already sitting on his bed waiting for me. This kid is a Godsend or something. Anyway, so I tuck him in, tell him goodnight and that I love him and I head back downstairs.

How can he just show up here? I mean, there’s been no phone call, no e-mail no nothing, and then he just shows up out of the blue. What does he want? What does he expect from me? I have no fricking clue, and I hate that I feel so lost. Anyway, I slowly walk down the stairs and yes I am trying to stall. I want to compose myself a little more before I go into the kitchen. I’ve never felt so blind sided. Ok, well finding out that I’m a mystical key was a bigger deal then this, but they’re about the same. So I get down the stairs, and walk down the little hallway and into the kitchen. He’s sitting at the table and looking just as great as he always did before. I really wish he didn’t look so good. It would make me feel better about myself.

“So, Kyle, I don’t mean to sound rude, but what the hell are you doing here?” I ask and cross my arms over my chest. He looks up at me with a little bit of guilt on his face and it makes my resolve weaken just a little. I know that I fucked up big time when it comes to him, but if he thinks he can just show up at my house unexpected then he has another thing coming. He clears his throat and I think he looks a little nervous. I’ve never seen him look like that before and it’s freaking me out a little.

“I’m sorry I just stopped by like this. I knew if I called you’d just hang up, or at least I thought you would.” He’s right, I probably would. Not out of anger, but because of shock. Seriously, I thought he was out of my life forever. “But I couldn’t stay away any longer.” He goes to speak some more but I interrupt. I may have changed a lot since Sunnydale but I’m still me. And I always get a word in even if no one wants to hear it.

“It’s been three years. You packed up while I was in the hospital and I haven’t heard from you since. Three years, Kyle.” I sound mad as hell, and I would keep talking but I don’t know what else to say. He looks down at his hands for a few seconds, maybe a few minutes I’m not so sure. Time doesn’t really have any meaning anymore. He looks up at me and he still looks guilty. He hasn’t stood up yet and I know it’s because he wants to be as nonthreatening as possible. I know that he would never physically hurt me but sometimes he can be intimidating because of his height and the fact that his eyes change color when he’s pissed.

“I know how long it’s been.” Now he’s getting a little irritated. “I know you probably moved on already. But I didn’t come here tonight looking for a fight. I came here because I’ve been going crazy from the last three years because I miss you so damn much. I know I freaked before when I found out about the babies, but we can work passed that. Do you think there’s any chance at all that we can be together again? That we can start a family just like we always talked about?” He wants to start a family with me? He doesn’t get it, he just doesn’t get it.

“I already have a family, Kyle. I have two beautiful boys that I love more then anything. I know what I did was fucked up. We were going to get married and I still did what I did, but I wouldn’t take it back for the world because it gave me my sons. I’m different then I was back in Redding. I’m not the same woman you lived with and I don’t know if we can be together or not.” We’re quiet for a few minutes and we just look at each other. It’s a little weird, and I’m getting cold chills down my back, but I’m not going to look away first. Then he sighs and runs his hands through his hair.

“Does Michael know about the boys?” he asks and looks up at me again. I have no idea what is running through his mind, but I have to be honest with him. I nod my head yes and he sighs again. “Look, I don’t know if I can stand seeing him. All I know is I want a second chance with you.” But will he be able to be around my sons? I won’t date anyone who can’t be good to my kids, that’s why I haven’t even thought about dating again. I’m too afraid I’m going to find someone I really like, but they won’t be able to handle the single mom thing. I sigh and sit down at the table. I look over at him and try to remember what it was like when we were dating. It’s been so long and so much has changed that it’s hard.

“I don’t know if we can be together again.” When Michael showed up on my doorstep three years ago I instantly felt all of the feelings I used to have for him. Everything came rushing back and it made me speechless for a few seconds. When he went to leave and I looked up into his dark eyes I felt like I was back in high school and we were about to have our first kiss. But I don’t feel any of my old feelings that I had for Kyle. I know they were real, and they were strong, but they’re gone now. “There’s just a lot going on right now and I don’t know if I can’t handle it all. Just give me a couple of days to think, ok? I just need to think about it.” He nods his head and teleports out of the house. And just like that he’s gone. All that’s left is a swirling cloud of smoke. Why me? Why is this happening to me? I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. I better get started. God, I feel like I need to hit something.

BPOV

SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1I can’t believe some of the things she said to me. It’s like I mean nothing to her anymore. I know I pushed her to tell me what she saw, but that’s only because she woke up and she couldn’t breathe, and she was having like a panic attack or something. She’s never woken up like that before from any dream. Even after she calmed down she still looked really freaked out. So I asked but she was quiet, and I kept asking until she finally snapped at me. I know that I shouldn’t have snapped back but she said something that hurt. When she’s on the defensive she doesn’t think before she just lashes out with the verbal punches.

But we’ve been fighting a lot lately. I guess the dreams are getting worst and more frequent. I don’t know what she keeps seeing, but she doesn’t want to talk about them, and I didn’t push. Tonight I pushed and I got pushed back. She left just like she does every night. She goes out to the garage with her stash of Jack Daniels and drinks herself to sleep. She tries to act like she doesn’t, tries to pretend that all she does in the garage is sleep but she can’t fool me. She can fool Addison and Joseph, but Matthew and I both know what she’s doing. That’s what I hate most about all this fighting. It’s affecting our children and our lives and I hate that there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I hear a creak in the hallway and I look up. Is she coming back up here? She never comes back upstairs at least not until the morning. I listen a little more closely but she doesn’t walk to the end of the hall where our bedroom is. She’s stopping at one of the kids’ rooms. Either Joseph or Addison I can’t tell. I get up and walk over to the door. I open it very slowly and peek out. I don’t see her so she must’ve gone into the room. I don’t know if I should just stay in here or not. I’m sure she’s still pissed off. But this is my house too dammit, I shouldn’t have to stay in my room like some little kid.

I start to walk down the hall, but I stop when I hear something. She’s crying, but she’s trying not to. She’s in so much pain, I can feel it through our slayer connection. How did I not feel it before? Right, I was too busy being a pushy bitch to concentrate on her pain. I walk up to Addison’s room and look inside. My baby girl’s asleep, and Faith is sitting on the edge of the bed, lightly stroking her hair and trying so hard not to cry. Her whole body is shaking and the scene is breaking my heart. I know she’s seen the kids in her dreams but so far they haven’t been about the kids. They’ve been about our failed marriage.

Faith thinks they’re glimpses into her future. That some higher being is trying to warn her about the choices she makes now so she can stop herself from becoming that. I’m not too sure what they are. I don’t want to think that they’re our future. I don’t want to become some bitter woman in a failed marriage, just standing by and staying together for the kids while my wife cheats on me with some twenty-something year old skank. I don’t know what I would do if Faith ever did cheat on me. I’m not going to try and think about it. I like the think that the dreams she’s having are from some demon fucking her with mind. Or maybe they’re from an alternate reality or something. I know my Faith would never cheat on me.

I walk into the room and stand next to her. She doesn’t even look up. She’s just watching our baby girl sleep, and stroking her hair. I rest my hand on Faith’s shoulder and she makes this wet gurgling noise, and I know she’s trying to hold back a sob. I slowly reach down and hold onto her free hand. Without saying a word I pull her to her feet and lead her out of the room. She’s too broken right now to fight me. We walk in silence down the hall and into our bedroom. I close the door and lead her over to the bed. We sit down on the edge of it, and I wrap my arms around her.

I don’t say anything, I just hold her. If I knew she had a dream about one of the kids I know I wouldn’t have pushed her so much to tell me. She’s so afraid that she’s going to end up like her mom. Even after all of these years she’s still scared that she’s going to end up being an abusive alcoholic. We don’t even spank our children, at least not very often. I keep telling her she has nothing to worry about, but she doesn’t agree with me. It’s just an insecurity she’s had ever since she was a teenager and it isn’t going to go away just because I say otherwise.

“Baby it’s going to be ok,” I whisper into her ear. It doesn’t stop the sobs, or the shaking and I know that she just needs to let it all out. Afterwards she might want to talk, she may even tell me what she saw but there is no way I’m going to push for it. I gently rub her back and she wraps her arms tightly around me. This is how it’s supposed to be. We aren’t supposed to be fighting all the time and then sleeping alone. We’re supposed to be here for one another, and now we’re finally doing it. I’m not glad that she’s upset. I hate seeing her like this because I want her to be happy. I’m just glad that we’ve finally stopped with the fighting and I can comfort her. It feels good to not be fighting.

“Faithy, it’s gonna be alright. None of it is real. I know you think it’s the future, but we don’t know that for sure. It could just be some demon putting those things inside your mind to weaken you.” I know she doesn’t want to hear it right now, or at least I think she doesn’t, but I have to try and calm her down. If she keeps crying like this then she’s going to be sick. “Babe it’s going to be ok. Whatever it is we’ll get through it together. I’m here for you, sweetie, I’m right here.” I don’t know how much time passes but she finally starts to calm down. I pull back a little bit so I can look at her and I have to admit that she looks pretty horrible. I’m sure I look gross too because I was crying earlier.

“It’s not going to be ok,” she says and coughs a little. I gently rub her back and she looks so tired. She has dark circles under her eyes and she looks like she’s about to drop. I keep rubbing her back and she buries her face in my neck. It’s a little strange holding her like. Normally it’s the other way around. But I’m not going to stop just because it feels strange. Faith needs me, and I’m going to be here for her.

“Yes it is, baby. We just need to stay calm, and soon Willow and Sky are going to figure out what’s going on, and they’ll figure out how to make the dreams stop.” She shakes her head and sniffles very loudly. She pulls away from me and looks into my eyes. She has so much pain in hers, and it makes me stop breathing for a few seconds. How did I not see it before? I think earlier she was on the defensive, and she wouldn’t let me see the pain. But whatever it is that she saw has worn down her wall and she’s letting me in a little.

“It’s not the dreams,” she says and sniffles again. She has some stray tears making their way down her cheeks, but her sobs have disappeared. “It’s what I did in the dream.” She stops talking. She looks down at her lap and wipes away the tears on her face. I slowly reach out a rest a hand on her knee. She doesn’t look up, and she doesn’t start talking again. She just sits there, broken and hurting. I scoot closer and wrap my arms around her again. She hugs me back and we just sit here in silence. If it still hurts her too much to talk about it then she doesn’t have to. I know she wants to tell me, and she will when she’s ready.

When did things get so wrong? I remember before she started having these dreams we were happy. We talked all the time about everything. We would go shopping together, and take the kids to the park. We would stay up late making love, and then just lie together afterwards. It’s like we didn’t need to talk because we were so in tune with each other. Now all we do is fight and then pretend like everything is ok so hopefully the kids won’t pick up on it. They’re not stupid, and they’re not deaf. I know they know we fight a lot. Matthew and Addison won’t talk about it in front of us at least, but Joseph is only three and he’ll ask us why we were mad.

This situation just isn’t fair for anybody. I want Willow and Sky to hurry up and find an answer, but it isn’t fair for them. Sky’s pregnant for the first time, they should be spending their time figuring out how they’re going to decorate the nursery, and then go shopping for all of the baby stuff. But none of that stuff is happening. Willow is spending all of her time researching and Sky helps out a lot but she’s pregnant and she can’t push her body too much or she could hurt herself or the baby. I know that things are strained between them right now. That’s what Willow told me the last time we talked. It’s only been a week and things are going to hell in a hand basket.

I very carefully push her off me. I scoot back on the bed until I’m leaning against the headboard. Then I look into her eyes and hold my arms out. She smiles a very small smile and crawls into my arms. I hold her, and kiss her forehead and just listen to her breathe. The person this isn’t fair on the most is Faith. She had a horrible life growing up, so many bad things have happened not only in her childhood, but even in our life together. She doesn’t deserve any of it. Even if she thinks she does because of the bad choices she made in Sunnydale, she doesn’t. She deserves happiness, not this mess.

I wonder if this is connected to the dreams that Addison used to have a couple years ago. She was dreaming about these slayers being murdered. Willow found out what was really going on, and we put a stop to it. Ok, she and Faith put a stop to it, but I was there so I get a little credit. It just seems a little weird that Addison would have those bad dreams, and now Faith is having these freaky ‘glimpses into the future’. Who is doing this to her, and why? Those are the questions that I want answers to so I can put a stop to it. We may not be getting along very well, but I’ll do anything for Faith. I’ll do anything to make sure that she’s happy. I just want us to be happy. This isn’t on any one of us. I just want things to be normal for more then a couple of months. Is it too much to ask for a normal life?

FPOV

We’ve been lying on the bed now for about an hour. I know she isn’t asleep because every once in a while she’ll kiss me on my forehead. You’d think I’d be annoyed by it but I’m not. I like that she’s being all touchy feeling right now. This is exactly what I needed. Normally I’d be curled up with a bottle of JD, drink myself to sleep, and wake up with a massive hang over. I have a massive headache from crying, but I feel better now then I have all week. After what happened in that dream I really don’t think I could handle another night alone. It’s only been one week and I’m on the verge of a breakdown. What the fuck is wrong with me? How come I’m can’t be stronger then this thing?

Everything was going good tonight too. Buffy and I didn’t fight all day, and we fell asleep in each other’s arms. But then I had that dream and now everything is fucked up. It’s not so much the dream. I guess it was pretty normal. Addy was being a pest like she always is in the dreams. She was whining more then normal because she wanted to go out with her boyfriend. She’s dating this total creep, and I know she’s only going out with him to get under Buffy’s skin. He’s some football jock who gets in trouble a lot. That girl loves to get under B’s skin. It’s almost like Buffy’s jealous because the future me pays more attention to Addy, and Addy knows that her mom is jealous and she likes to rub her face in it whenever she can.

I don’t know if that’s true or not. That’s just what I think. She’s a little different when Mattie is around. Oh no, he likes to be called Matt now. He’s like that in my dreams too. Anyway, when her big brother is around Addy is completely different. It’s like the whole world revolves around him and she doesn’t notice anything else. It was nice to see that at least one thing is still the same. But Matt wasn’t in this dream. It was just me and Addy. I don’t think I’m ever going to forget what happened. Buffy can tell me it was only a dream until the metaphorical cows come home. Whenever I have a dream like that I control what I do. And this time I lost that control and it’s my fault. Nothing anyone can say is going to make that less true.

I sigh a little bit and snuggle into Buffy a little more. I am definitely the butch of this relationship, but it’s nice to be taken care of every once in a while. And right now I definitely need it. I’ve been trying to deal with everything on my own and lying to myself about how much help I really need. I was drowning. I can totally see that now. Drowning in a sea of booze and denial. And I know this is going to sound totally corny, but Buffy pulled me out of it. I said some really fucked up things to her and I’m surprised she didn’t lock herself in our room and cry herself to sleep. I don’t know what I’d be doing right now if she had. I’d either be in Addy’s room watching her sleep, or in the garage killing my liver. I can’t decide which one.

“Want me to get you a tissue?” I hear Buffy whisper and I can’t help but smile. Leave it up to her to break the silence. God I love her so much. I don’t know why I can’t just remember that when I think I need to deal with shit on my own. I know she can help me feel better. At least I hope she can help me feel better. Just laying with her like this has calmed me down a lot, but I don’t know if the talking is going to help or not. I already know it won’t. I know I have to talk about it with her. I have to tell her everything that happened. I’m just not ready yet.

“I’m good, thanks.” She tightens her grip on me a little it and it makes me smile even more. I know this is going to sound just as corny as the her saving me thing, but it’s like I can finally breathe again now that I’m wrapped up in her arms all safe and secure. This is exactly what I needed, no doubt about that. I know that this safe, secure feeling isn’t going to last long. When I tell her what I did I don’t know if she’s going to look at me the same again. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to look at myself the same again. I haven’t looked in any mirrors so I don’t know. She starts to run her fingers through my hair and I let out a little sigh. I love it when she plays with my hair. I always have.

“Baby,” she whispers and her fingers stop moving. Damn, did she have to stop messing with my hair? “Don’t get mad, I’m not trying to push you or anything, but do you want to get a little more comfortable in case you feel like talking? I thought we could turn out the light and get under the covers.” That actually sounds like a good idea, but I don’t want to leave her arms. I sigh a little and shift around. Being under the covers would be nice though because the AC is on and it’s getting cold in here. At the same time I really don’t want to get up. “You don’t have to talk about the dream, but an answer to my question would be nice.” I smile a little and hold back a laugh. I don’t know why I want to laugh, that wasn’t even funny.

“Maybe I’ll wanna talk in a little bit, but not right now. Being under the covers sounds good. It’s getting cold in here.” I sit up and she lets go of me. I look down at her and smile a kinda sad smile. Her face is red, and her eyes are swollen. She was definitely crying before she pulled me out of Addy’s room. And she was crying because of me. I called her a bunch of horrible names, and told her to just back off. I told her that I can deal with it, and if I wanted to talk ten I’d talk. Not all of it is my fault. She wouldn’t back off when I was still trying to be nice. That’s no excuse for what I said to her. I should have just ignored her and left the room. Not very mature but at least she wouldn’t have cried.

Anyway, we both get off the bed and I crawl under the covers. She turns out the lights and then lies down next to me. I look into her eyes for a minute or two and then she gives me this soft, little half smile. You know the one I’m talking about. Her ‘I’m sexy but I’m acting like I don’t know I’m sexy’. That smile. Doesn’t really seem appropriate right now, but she knows it cheers me up. Then she slowly reaches out and puts her hand on my cheek. The touch brings me back to reality, I guess. I know that we have to talk about what I saw. I know that I need to apologize for all the mean things I said to her. I know I have to do it, but that doesn’t make me want to.

“I guess we should get this party started, huh?” I ask and smile a little bit. She smiles to, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “In the dreams, Addy is completely spoiled by me. I can tell that you get irritated whenever she asks for something, and she only asks me for stuff. I guess the dream me will give into whatever she wants, but I don’t. She gets so mad that she’ll scream and stomp off to her room and slam the door and she’ll yell out that she hates me. I don’t let it get to me though, because the other me is always telling her yes.” I stop and think back to everything that I did. It brings tears to my eyes and I have to force them back.

“She’s been seeing this guy, this total asshole football jock. I’ve met him before, and I know that he only wants her for sex. I don’t know if they’ve done anything but it doesn’t matter, ‘cause I know his type.” I look away because now I’m getting to the part that’s getting under my skin. This is the part that I know she’s going to hate me for. I hate myself for it. You have no idea how much I want to go back and redo that dream. No fuckin clue. “And tonight she wanted to go out with him on a date. And she was dressed up really nice and I just knew that they were going to sleep together. Just the way she was acting gave it away.” I know B wants me to look into her eyes, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to do that.

“I wasn’t just gonna let her go out and get fucked by some jock, so I told her she couldn’t go out. She got so mad, and she started screaming at me. She told me I was ruining her life and that she was going out even if I don’t want her to. I told her to shut her mouth and go to her room. Then she told me to go fuck myself. I started to yell at her again when her boyfriend pulled up in the driveway and honked his horn. She tried to leave, but I grabbed onto her arm. She pushed me back and then hit me. Not hard or anything, just a little smack on the arm. But I got so pissed off. She doesn’t respect me at all, and kids are supposed to respect their parents, you know?” I don’t look up but I know she nodded her head.

“She tried to walk away again but I grabbed her by the arm….” I trail off because this is the part that I don’t want to say. Buffy gently caresses my cheek with her thumb. I look into her eyes and I don’t see anything but love, and concern. I sigh and fight back the lump that’s trying to form in my throat. I take in a deep breath that’s supposed to calm me down, but it doesn’t do a whole lot of help. “I grabbed her by the arm and bent her over the back of the couch. She was yelling at me to let her go, but I was so pissed that I wouldn’t listen to her. I grabbed her skirt and lifted it up and then ripped off her underwear. Then I took off my belt and…and I….” I can’t talk anymore. Just remembering what it was like to hear by baby girl scream while I whipped the belt across her bare ass. I just can’t describe that to Buffy.

“Then I stopped when I finally realized what I was doing. I let go of her and she just collapsed to the floor. She was crying so hard that she was coughing, and she almost got sick. All I could do was just stand there and watch her. Then you walked in the room and started screaming at me, and that’s when I woke up.” I have tears running down my face, and I’m having a hard time breathing. “It was so horrible, Buffy. I tried so hard not to, but it doesn’t matter. I become my mother. I beat on my baby. I’m just like her.” I start crying harder then I’ve ever cried before. This is why I was so pissed off. This is why I didn’t want to talk. No matter what I do I’m going to be just like my mom. Just look at what I’ve done so far. All week I’ve been drinkin Jack Daniels like it’s the elixir of life. Now it’s only a matter of time before I freak out and beat one of my kids.

“Faith,” Buffy says but I don’t look at her. I don’t want her to see this. I don’t want her to see the monster I’m becoming. “Faith, look at me.” I still don’t look at her. So she gently tilts my chin up, but I don’t look her in the eyes. “Faith this is important, please look at me.” I feel her wiping away my tears as I continue to sob. I can feel her eyes on me and I know she isn’t going to go away. I open my eyes a little bit and try to look at her but the tears are making it hard. “Faith you are not going to become your mother. What you saw is just some dream, it isn’t real. You don’t even spank them Faith. You are not going to beat on our babies.” I start crying hard again, mostly because I don’t believe her even though I want to. Why can’t I just have a normal life?

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