“What the fuck is he doing here? Why did you invite him into our house?” I practically spit out. Buffy gives me this death glare, like she did at that parent teacher meeting when I told Derrick that Buffy's mine and he doesn't have a chance in hell getting into her pants. Buffy said that from now on she'll go to the meeting and I can stay home. I look into the blue eyes of the bastard sitting in front of me. He tenses up I can feel his demeanor change from relaxed to threatened. This asshole is in my house and he feels threatened by me? Oh yeah, that's fucking rich. I outta stake his ass right here, right now. All of that rage that I worked off on the punching bag is starting to build up again, and I know this isn't going to end well at all.

“Now, now don't be rude. Wouldn't want to set a bad example for the boy now would you?” he asks sounding smug. God I hate him. I hate his stupid blue eyes, and his stupid ugly hair and his stupid...stupidness. Ok, that was lame I know, but I'm too mad to really think of anything. I've always hated Spike, always have always will. I tolerated him back in Sunnydale because we were in a tight situation and we needed the help. But he's a vampire, so I was always cautious around him even though he has a soul. Just because someone has a soul it doesn't make them a good person. I got the scars to prove it. And do you really think he sacrificed himself because it was the noble thing to do? Fuck no. He did it because he knew that Buffy wasn't going to be with him anymore and he wanted to do something great so that maybe she'd forget about all of those sick things he did to her. I mean, he tried to rape her for God sakes, and she just let him get away with it. Spike has always been a sore spot for me because he did so much worse then I did and she hated me for it, but she never hated him.

He stands up and I don't say a word. He looks me right in the eyes and smiles that smug smirk. Now I know why Buffy hates it when I smile like that, it's annoying as hell. I don't pay attention as she starts to explain why he's here. All I can focus on is the vampire in our house, who's standing up in front of me, using his height to make me feel small, but I don't. I know I can take him out, he just needs to give me a reason right now so that Buffy won't be pissed at me for killing him for shit he did in the past. I don't care how remorseful he is, or that we weren't together when it happened, but nobody tries to rape my girl and gets away with it.

He looks down to my left and he smiles wide. I look down too and see Mattie standing there, staring at Spike with this intensity, this fascination that he's never showed before. He's never seen a vampire before, we've never allowed him to be around anything evil, so I'm sure he's confused by what he's feeling, but if he is he isn't showing it. He's being a little cautious and he's eyeing Spike up and down, looking for a weakness probably. He tenses up, his little fists clench as Spike starts to bend down to be eye level with him. I'm on high alert as well. Just because Buffy trusts this thing doesn't mean I'm going to, especially around our son. So anyway, Spike's crouched down and he smiles a little bit, trying to make himself seem non-threatening, if it's possible.

“Hi, my name's Spike, and what's your name?” he asks and he holds out his hand for Mattie to shake. He's shaken people's hands before. Mattie always shakes people's hands when he is first introduced to them. He's in no way a shy kid but because he can feel that Spike is a vampire, he can feel the evil inside him, he's quiet and tense and when Spike holds his hand out Mattie mistakes it as a threatening move, either that or he's running on nothing but instinct and his instinct tells him that it's a threatening move. Anyway, when Spike reaches out his hand Mattie punches him right in the nose. A good clean, slayer strength punch, and Spike's nose starts bleeding as soon as his little fist connects.

“OW, BLOODY HELL!” the vamp yells but Mattie just stands there, holding his ground as Spike falls backwards onto his ass. I can't help but inwardly laugh as the blood continues to rush out. My boy did that, and it feels great to be a witness to it. Buffy rushes up out of her chair and starts coddling Spike. She helps him up and then shows him to the bathroom and gives Mattie a little glare as she passes him. Oh she so fucking did not just do that. I'm getting angry all over again. The initial surprise of seeing him here is gone and now it's rage that he's here and anger because Buffy invited him in. And she had the nerve to glare at our son for doing what his little natural instincts were telling him to. He's never seen a fucking vampire before, he doesn't know why his body is telling him to attack Spike. Ok, before I get ahead of myself maybe I should ask Mattie about it. So, I bend down so that we're eye to eye and he turns to face me.

“Mattie, I'm not mad.” In no fucking way am I mad because he did that. I'm proud, and glad and I want to see it again. “But why did you do that? I just wanna know why you did it, I won't get mad, I promise.” He looks down at his feet as he thinks about what he's going to say. He shuffles his feet a little bit and he looks up at me through his eyelashes. I melt at the sight, he's just so confused right now, and he regrets what he did, I can tell. It's not really his fault for doing that, at least I don't think so.

“Because he's bad, I can feel it, I know it. He's bad and he was gonna hurt me. I'm sorry, Mama, I didn't mean ta hit him.” I pull him into a hug, and whisper in his ear that it's ok, that he doesn't have anything to be sorry for. He calms down a little bit and pulls away. I tell him to go wait in his room because I want to talk to Buffy. She's pissed and I know she's going to yell at him for hitting her precious vampire. God I hate Spike! She walks out of the bathroom and looks over at me. She sees that Mattie is gone so she goes straight for his room, but I step in front of her, blocking her from the door. She glares at me, gives me this look that I dare question her authority.

“Don't.” She goes to say something but I stop her. I grab her by the hand and pull her into our room and close the door. If we're going to have this fight it isn't going to be in front of the pest. I won't give him that satisfaction. “He didn't mean to hit him, Buffy. He knows that Spike's a vampire, he can feel it. He thought that Spike was going to hurt him so he defended himself. You can't go in that room and yell at him because he was doing what felt right. You're a slayer too but you know what a vampire is, you've been around them.” You've fucked them. “You know what that feeling means when you feel a vampire. Well he doesn't. He was just doing what his slayer instincts were telling him to do. And I swear to God that if you go in there and yell at him for it I'll leave and take him with me.” Did I just say that? Because I totally did not mean to say that. But I did, it's out and she's looking at me like I just shot her puppy.

“You'd take him away from me? You'd really try to take our son away from me? What gives you the fucking right to decide that? I wasn't going in there to yell at him, but thanks for jumping to conclusions and labeling me as the bitch mother, it really makes me feel warm and tingly inside.” There's a short pause as I think of something to say. I can feel the vampire standing outside of our door and it's only pissing me off. But I calm down and start over.

“Look, I didn't mean to say that. I wouldn't take him away from you, I'm sorry I said that, it just slipped out. I'd never just take off with our son.” Well, I would but only if I had a really good reason to. “But you can't go in there angry, and you were still angry. He feels bad for hitting Spike.” Though I don't know why. “I asked him about it, he thought that Spike was going to hurt him. And, I was just wondering, thought it'd be nice to know.” Maybe I should stop being sarcastic she's getting irritated. “But why the fuck is Spike here?” I pause but continue before she can answer. “You just invited him in our home, where we live with our kid and-” Oh fuck, I left Mattie alone. I rush out of the room and bump into Spike. We fall up against the hallway wall and he wraps his arm around me to keep me from falling. I look up at him and he smirks.

“Sorry Faith, you're hot an' all but not my type.” God, what a creep! I push off of him and walk away. I'm not going to react to that because that's why he said it, to get a reaction. I won't satisfy him in any way. I go into Mattie's room and he's sitting up on his bed flipping through a picture book that Buffy got him a couple weeks ago. It's pictures of all these large cities in the U.S. and some Asian countries. He stops at a particular picture and studies it for a few seconds. He doesn't even look up as he talks.

“Mama, what's this place?” he asks. I walk over to his bed and sit down on the edge of it. It's a little uncomfortable because it's plastic, but I ignore that. I look down at the picture. It's an aerial view of a city. A park with lots of grass and some trees, also some paths for bikes and stuff. There are large buildings on either side of the park, also in the background, there's a harbor and on the other side there's more buildings. My eyes water up but I force the tears away. He just had to ask about that picture didn't he? No, I can't blame him, he doesn't know. He doesn't know about my childhood. He's asked about it before but I changed the subject and fast. But with all of that anger in the training room and all of the anger with seeing Spike, seeing this picture is fucking with my emotions big time.

“It's the Boston Harbor, baby.” Yeah, he just had to stop at that picture. I remember being a preteen, running through the streets with the people I thought were my friends. We caused some trouble, petty theft and shit like that but never anything serious. We used to get in fights though, with the kids that thought they were better then us. The little fuckers that lived on Comm Ave. Just because their parents had money it didn't make them better then us. Ok, gotta calm down. I've given up using my Boston slang, mostly because Buffy doesn't understand it and I end up having to explain what `calm your liver' means or the difference between a FBI and a ABI. I still use the word wicked though. I have to pay some respects to my heritage.

“You're from Boston, huh Mama? That's what Mommy told me. What's Boston like?” Oh God, oh God, oh God. I need to get out of here. I'm starting to get angry, the memories are starting to come back. I can feel the phantom pain from that broken arm and I think I'm going insane. I need to get out of here, I can't breathe. He can tell that I'm starting to panic, or at least he knows that something's wrong. I don't say a word as I run from the room. Look at me, not only am I a lunatic, but I'm a fucking coward as well. Looks like some things never change, huh Faithy? As I'm running towards the front door I can feel the phantom whiplashes on my back, on the backs of my legs, on my ass, on the back of my neck, the backs of my arms. Why is this happening today? What's wrong with me? I trip on something and stumble forward. I fall against the front door and stay where I am. I don't move, I just try to remember how to breathe.

“Faith? Faith are you ok?” I hear Red ask. Buffy must be out back with that thing. I don't answer just nod my head yes. I think you have to breathe before you can talk, and I'm having a big problem with the first so there's no way I can do the second. I guess she sees how tense my muscles are, can see that I can't breathe, that I need my space because she stays a good distance away. I can hear the screams, hear the shouts and the pleads for her to stop as she whips me with the belt. No, no, no, no! Make it stop! I throw the front door open and take off running. Willow's calling out for me to come back but I don't.

I can feel the asphalt on my bare feet and I'm sure I look as crazy as I feel. I run down to the end of the street and bang a left. STOP TALKING LIKE THAT! I keep running, all the way out of our neighborhood and down the street. I run over the overpass and up the asphalt hill. I turn right and just keep on running. I don't even know where I am but I can't stop running. I pass a house that has a couple of horses in the yard, but still I can't remember what street I'm on.

I pass the side of the high school, but still I can't remember. I turn right at the corner instead of going straight and now I'm running in front of the high school. I turn another right and now I'm running up a hill. A car passes me and honks the horn, a guy in the front seat says something crude but I don't pay attention to it. I turn right away and now I'm running on some really raw asphalt, there's some rocks, a couple potholes and a nail digs into my foot. I reach down while hopping on my right food and pull the nail out of my left. I throw it to the side and keep on running.

I make a left at some cluster mailboxes. It's a dead end street, I can tell but I don't care, I just keep going. I run down to the end of the street, I can either keep going straight and round the turn up there, but it's gravel and I'd rather not. I can also turn right at a, is that a cactus? Ok, I can turn right at the cactus and run down some small gravel that doesn't look as painful. Small gravel it is. The house by the cactus, a white with blue trim, looks empty, deserted but recently abandoned because it's still nice. I run down the street and it's a dead end. I didn't come far because I can see the high school on the other side of the chain link fence. But that's like fifty feet, maybe more, away. I look around and see the backyard of the abandoned, but not rundown, house. I jump the gate and run over to the shed. The door isn't locked so I go inside. It's dark and it's small and it's bringing up even more memories, these ones aren't as bad as the others, well, it depends on how you look at them.

It's empty and there are some stairs, a two-story shed, who knew? I climb up the stairs that are more like a ladder, and I crawl to the very back of it. There's not enough room for me to stand up so I have to crawl whether I want to or not. I sit against the back corner and stare into the darkness. I left the door open and the cool night air is making its way in here, making the room seem less stuffy, less suffocating. I take in a deep ragged breath and try to calm myself down, but there's no calming down now. The memories are flooding my mind, too many at once, and then I'm thrown into one, one that I'd rather forget. One that I really wish didn't happen.

I can hear him, I can see his face. He's only a little older then I am, a year maybe two. I've known him for almost six months. We've caused some trouble together and I know he's been looking at my growing body. Gotta say this growth spurt hurt but my hips and tits look wicked, and it's easier to get stuff if I just flirt a little, show off some skin. It wasn't before because they all thought I was just a babe, ya know, a baby? But he noticed me in a different way, I can tell. He doesn't just like me for my body like the rest. He likes me because I have those good old-fashioned street smarts and I've helped him out of a few jams. We're hiding in a small dark room, it smelt a lot like the place I'm in now, and he's really close to me. I looked into his eyes, his crystal blue eyes that I just wanna get lost in.

“We'll probably be here for `while. Staties are still lookin' for us, so we'll just stay here till they back off, then we'll use the money you got to get a couple whoopie pies.” I didn't verbally agree with him, just nodded my head. I didn't really want to be in there with him because of the close small space, having him so close to me was doing some wicked fucked up shit to my body. I felt all tingly, especially between my legs. Now I wasn't a hoodsie so I felt kinda like a whore for liking him and looking at him the way I was. Things got tense, wicked tense and he locked eyes with me. He broke the contact to look down at my lips that were painted up red. He looked back into my eyes, I felt myself growing nervous which was weird because I always felt so safe around him.

“You catch the Sox game last night?” I asked breaking some of the tension but most of it was still there. He just shook his head no. “Really? Bastard Yanks won by three. I swear it we'll break the curse next year.” He laughs a little. Boston isn't ever gonna break the curse of the Bambino, just no way. My blood started to rush a little faster, pump a little harder as he leaned forward. I'd never been kissed before, never really had an interest in boys or anyone else for that matter.

With my mom being my mom I didn't really want to have sex, because she got used so much. I didn't want that to happen to me. I was gonna wait until I found the right guy, found someone to love. I knew it would never happen so I had nothing to worry about. I would never have sex and I wouldn't get hurt. But as soon as his lips touched mine, gently, softly, sending all sorts of tingles to every nerve ending in my body, I knew right then that this little celibate plan was gonna be wicked hard to keep.

I pulled back after a few seconds to catch my breath. I'm breathing like I've run ten blocks, but he's just a little above normal. He leaned in again, this time getting his body closer to mine. I felt his hardness brush against my leg and I jumped back. Little naive me didn't know what that was at the time. I wanna laugh. Anyway, he looked into my eyes and saw that I was a little scared. He smiled a little, breathing harder now. He sat down on the ground and gently held onto my hand. He's never done that before, said hand holdin is for saps.

“Don't be scared Marthie.” That's his little nickname for me because I was always talking about how when I get rich one day I'm gonna take a trip to Martha's Vineyard and if I catch any of the richies talkin shit about the poor I'll give `em a good punch in the head. “Just relax. You know I'd never let anythin bad happen ta ya, right?” I nodded my head and looked into his eyes. He leaned forward again and pressed his lips against mine. I kissed him back and after a few seconds he pulled back. “Just go with it, I'll take care of ya.” I nodded my head again and he leaned forward yet again. Only this time he opened up his mouth and gently rubbed his tongue against my bottom lip. I opened up my mouth a little bit and he slid his tongue inside. He swirled it around mine and it felt weird, but a good kind of weird. He leaned forward, pushing me back. He was trying to get me to lie down. I pulled back and looked at him, a questioning look was on my face. “Don't worry `bout it, just go with it.”

He reached for the hem of my shirt and slowly took it off. I allowed him to and as soon as it hit the floor he was kissing my still growing breasts. There was a throbbing between my legs and what he was doing felt good but at the same time I wanted to slow down. I didn't want to seem like a wimp though, so I did as he said and just went with it. He reached around and unhooked by bra and slowly took it off. He took one of my nipples into his mouth and I moaned out. It was too much to handle and I pushed him back. He looked at me with some confusion and just a tiny, just a tiny little bit of anger.

“Maybe we should just go. It's gettin late, my mom might be passed out by now.” My voice was trembling and he reached out and gently caressed my cheek. I leaned into his hand at the gentle touch. I've never been touched like this before, it was loving, not violent, and even though it scared me I wanted more of it. I closed by eyes when I saw him lean forward and he kissed me again. Then I felt his hands wonder down to my breasts and he started squeezing and massaging them. I didn't like that, his hands were rough because of the calluses of always climbing fences and stuff like that. He continued to kiss me as his hands left my body. I heard the sound of a zipper and I pulled back again. He had unzipped his pants and I saw his hard cock. I looked up at him wide eyed. This was all new to me, I was a little scared. He smiled again, that sweet smile that always makes me crumble.

“I'll be gentle, k?” he asked and I didn't move a muscle, didn't say a word. He reached out and gently laid me down on my back, and I let him. It was like I was in shock or something. I wanted to say something, anything to get him to slow down, but I couldn't, I just went with it. I felt his hands on my jeans and he slowly unbuttoned and then unzipped them. I lifted up my hips, still in a daze as he pulled them down. I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him towards me. I kissed him deeply, searched out the hidden secrets of his mouth and he took my pants off. I felt his hands toying with the waistband of my panties, but he didn't pull them down. I remembered something in health class and I pulled back and looked into his eyes.

“What about a condom? I don't wanna get pregnant.” He shook his head and kissed my neck. I moaned again at the feeling, and felt little shivers go up and down my spine. I wanted him to stop because of the lack of a rubber, but I wanted him to continue just as much. I hated feeling torn like that but it's how I was feeling, I couldn't help it. He pulled back again and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. I tightened my legs together and he felt it, he was lying beside me, so that is left thigh was against mine, his torso was over mine, but he was still off to the side from the waist down.

“I'll pull out right before, none'll get in you, promise.” I was still nervous and he could tell that. But he was being so gentle, so loving. I didn't want him to stop, I didn't want him to leave. I still had a couple of concerns that I was more then willing to keep to myself but because I was so damn nervous things just started to slip out.

“It's gonna hurt, I heard some of the hoodsies talkin in gym, they said that it hurts, and that sometimes there's blood.” He looked a little grossed out because of the blood part, he hates blood, can't stand seeing it. He kissed me again and all of my concerns started to slowly wash away. He deepened the kiss and things were starting to move forward a little more. One of his rough hands was rubbin the top of my thigh, slowly working its way to my inner thigh and then he added a little bit of pressure to try and spread my legs, but I wouldn't and he pulled back.

“There might be some pain, but I'll be gentle, promise.” I nodded my head and he started kissing me again. He ran his hands up and down my torso, massaging my breasts and then gently caressing my stomach. The throbbing between my legs was starting to become unbearable. I felt his hands back on the waistband of my underwear. I pulled away, breathing erratically and I nodded my head, barely. He slid them off of me, crawling down my body a little and he left a kiss on my bellybutton. I giggled a little bit, my stomach has always been very ticklish especially my bellybutton.

I watched as he took off his pants and boxers until he was completely nude. I looked away, blushing wicked hard and he chuckled a little bit. He reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out some napkins that we took from a McDonald's earlier, he didn't need to tell me what they were for. He got back on top of me and I felt his cock on my thighs but I still hadn't spread my legs for him. He started to kiss me again, gently, lovingly like everything else has been. Then he pulled back and I looked into his eyes. They were so soft, so caring, I couldn't help but feel special.

“Just close your eyes and take a deep breath. Just relax, it won't hurt as bad if you're relaxed.” I nodded my head and tried to relax but it was difficult. He started to kiss my neck again and rubbed the tops of my thighs with his hands. He stopped moving them, he rested them near the top so that his thumbs were pointing towards my private area. He gently put pressure on his thumbs and I slowly started to spread my legs open. He kept kissing my neck. He was getting a little faster but still soft and gentle, never a bad touch, never a painful touch. “That's it, come on now, just wrap `em `round my back.” I felt the tip of his cock at my entrance as I lifted my legs up and wrapped them around his lower back. He gently entered me and I cried out in pain. “It's ok, I'll wait.” He was inside me but he wasn't moving as my body got used to this new type of invasion. When my breathing started to slow I opened my eyes and slowly nodded my head.

He started to slowly thrust inside of me. Every movement hurt but I didn't stop him, didn't go against what he was doing. I just went with it. He was kissing my neck still and leaving little love bites. I was moaning out, mostly in pain, but a little in pleasure. He knew what he was doing, he's been with girls before, I knew this but I didn't care. I felt like I was the only one. The only one he's ever touched, the only one he'll ever touch again. He was groaning and he started thrust a little faster. I winced out in pain but he kept up the pace, didn't slow for a second, never stopped kissing my neck.

It felt like I was doing the splits for the first time, it hurt but now that a little time passed it wasn't as bad. He never said anything during, just kissed my neck, and I was running my hand through his hair a little, at the back of his neck. My heels were digging into the small of his back and he started to go a little faster. Then he pulled out suddenly and I gave a little sigh of relief. I kept my eyes closed and I felt him lie down next to me. I tried to snuggle up against him. This was all so new to me and I wanted to be held but he tensed and pulled away. I opened my eyes and looked at him. His soft blue eyes went a little cold. His blonde hair was a little messy because of me. I smiled at him and he didn't smile back. He sat up and started to get dressed. I was a little confused as I watched him pull up his jeans and then put on his shirt.

“Get dressed, we gotta get outta here.” I got a little mad because of his tone. He's never talked to me like that before. I sat up and grabbed my shirt and covered up my breasts with it. I closed my legs so he couldn't see me, not that it mattered I guess. Kind of hard to be modest when you just got done fucking. Because that's all it was. I could pretend all I want that it meant something, that it was loving and special and that to him it was more then just screwing, but it wasn't. It was just a teenage boy who noticed that his female partner in crime was starting to develop so he fucked her before anyone else got the chance.

“Wait, just give me a fucking minute.” I didn't sound mad, just overwhelmed. He shook his head and waited for a couple of minutes but he was irritated. What did I do wrong, was I not good or something? He came so I must've done something right. But like I said earlier, little naive me just didn't understand. “Was I not good or something?” I had to ask because I always asked the questions that I thought I should, even if the smarter thing would have been keeping my mouth shut. He gave my body a once over and smiled wide, I smile back but then he speaks.

“Yeah, you were real good. You were so fuckin tight. Maybe we'll do this again, but right now we gotta go, so get your ass dressed.” I looked away from him and he let out an irritated sigh. “Fine, walk back ta your house by ya self.” And he left. I waited a few minutes before I got up. I slowly put my clothes back on, my eyes were starting to water up but I kept swiping the tears away. I looked down on the ground and saw the napkins just sitting there, mocking me. I broke down, starting crying like a little baby. My knees gave out and I sunk to the floor. I curled up into a little ball and cried myself to sleep.

Almost a year later is when I became the slayer. Not long after that I made my way to Sunnydale. I used my body to convince guys to hitch rides. I never had sex with them, just let them think that I was going to. I didn't sleep with anyone until Sunnydale, when it all became too much to take because of the slaying. I let everyone else believe that I was a lot sluttier then I really was because it was easier that way. I made up stories that they would want to hear and I acted a lot tougher then I really was. When I did have sex it was rough and raw and I was in control, I called all the shots and I told them just to go with it. Since that night no one's ever touched my bellybutton, not even B. I haven't told her why, haven't really told her anything about my past, except for that my mom was, or still is I'm not sure, an alcoholic and she was abusive. I haven't told her how abusive, and I probably never will.

I'm sitting down in this little shed, crying, trying to hide inside of myself. I want to disappear, I want to go away. I want to take so much back but I can't. I want to undo what I did that night with him, not because he took my virginity, not because it hurt or because I felt like whore afterwards, or because I never saw him again. It's because for a few minutes during, just for a few minutes, I thought he actually cared. I thought he loved me, if just for second. I thought he would take care of me. But he didn't, and I sealed myself off from everyone else. Buffy was the first one I've ever let in. She's the only one that I allowed myself to love and let them love back because I know for a fact that she'll take care of me, that she cares for me, that she loves me. I feel my eyelids getting heavy and I don't fight them as they slowly close and I drift off to sleep.

BPOV

Faith's been gone all night. After she left the bedroom and bumped into Spike she went into Matthew's room and I kicked Spike out of the house. I let him in because he needed to tell me something, he said that Angel had sent him. So I let him in. But he never told me anything about Angel or anything that Angel had said. He sat at the kitchen table and just kept talking about stuff that I didn't really care about. After she walked into the room and Matthew hit Spike she dragged me off to the bedroom and yelled at me. I got pissed but I could understand where she was coming from.

Anyway, I kicked Spike out and went looking for her. But I couldn't find her. Her car or bike wasn't gone, she wasn't outback because that's where I had just been, she wasn't out front and she wasn't in the training room. I saw that the punching bag was knocked to the ground, the chains had been broken. I remember doing that before the fight with Glory. But that's the reason why we had those chains magically protected, nothing should be able to break those. But it looks like Faith did, and she left a lovely hole in it as well. I can understand her being upset by the Kennedy/Willow situation but that pissed off? Something else is definitely going on.

I walk towards the living room and hear Matthew quietly crying in his bedroom. I stop cold and walk into his room. He's lying on his bed, the book that I bought him is opened and his knees are pressed up against chest and he's holding onto his legs tightly. I walk in and sit down next to him. He looks up at me and lunges at me. He wraps his arms around my neck and I hug him back. I start to slowly rock back and forth, and rub up and down his back gently. What the hell happened? He isn't still upset about the Spike thing is his? Does he think I'm going to yell at him or something?

“Shh, shh, what's the matter baby?” I ask and he cries a little harder. He starts coughing really hard and he pulls back away from me. He starts crying again but not as hard and he's wiping the tears away from his eyes. I gently reach out and use the back of my hand to wipe some away. “What happened sweetie? What's wrong?” He looks down at the book and my eyes follow his gaze. It's opened up more towards the middle. On the right side of the book there's a picture of Tokyo, Japan, it's night so the all of the city lights are on and it looks beautiful. On the other side of the book there's a picture of the Boston Harbor during the day. I sigh a little and can only guess what's coming next.

“Mama saw this. She got mad and she ran away. I made her mad and now she's not comin back.” He starts to cry really hard again. I pull him to me and rest his head against my chest. I start rubbing his back again and let him cry. I know that if he's crying this hard then he won't be able to hear me. I wait a little bit and when he's calm he pulls back from me. I let go of him and close the book and put it on the dresser next to his bed. I stand up and open up the top drawer of his dresser and pull out a pair of his pajamas. I sit back down on the bed and slowly take off his shirt and put on the pajama shirt and then do the same with his pants, his shoes were already off. I take off his socks and then pick him up again. He clings onto me and I pull back the covers and gently lay him down. He's tired, he's cried himself out but I need to talk to him before he falls asleep.

“Mama didn't run away because of you. She's not mad at you, ok?” I ask and he shakes his head no. He doesn't believe me and now I really wish I had been there to see Faith's reaction to seeing that picture. “Matthew, Mama had a bad childhood.” Should I be telling him this? Should I tell our son some of the secrets that Faith told me in confidence just to make him feel better? I don't know, and I really wish I did because I'm going to and if he ever says anything to her about it I pray that she understands my reasoning.

“Her mommy was mean to her and she didn't have any friends. People used to hurt her, and whenever she sees a picture of Boston she remembers all of the bad things that happened to her. Mama isn't mad at you for showing her that picture, she's mad at all of the people that used to hurt her. Understand?” He takes a few minutes to digest what I've told him. He doesn't question me and I thank the heavens for that because if he had asked for specifics I wouldn't have told him. Not only because he's only five and shouldn't hear things like that but because Faith hasn't really gone into it. “Goodnight baby, I love you.” I lean down and give him a little kiss on the forehead. He kisses me on the lips and I smile at him. He hasn't done that for a while. He says a little `love you too' but it's barely there because he's already half asleep. I get up and leave the room and turn out the light on my way out. I walk out into the living room, Willow's sitting on the couch, thank God she's out of that room. At least she's feeling a little better.

“Hey Will, how are you doing?” I ask as I sit down next to her. I'm getting a little hungry. We haven't had dinner yet and I wonder when Faith's going to get back. I know I could always heat something up but after a trying day like this I'd rather have something homemade. She looks a little grim but I don't really pay attention to it. I don't expect her to look happy for a while. She looks over at me, and there's worry in her eyes. Now that's a little strange. What's she worried about? From the looks that she's giving me it doesn't look like she's worried about herself or Kennedy, it looks like she's worried about me.

“I'm fine, better. Thanks for letting me stay here.” I'm about to say something, to tell her that it's no problem whatsoever, but she keeps going. “I saw Faith a few minutes ago. She was leaning up against the door. I don't know for sure, but I think she was having a panic attack.” What? Faith doesn't have panic attacks. That's crazy. But then again, she was angry enough to kill the punching bag and then she saw Spike and got really angry about that and then Matthew showed her that photo of Boston. Maybe all of those things put together was enough to send her a panic attack. “She took off running down the street, she's been gone for like five minutes.” Now I'm worried. She just took off? Just like that? Well if she's really upset then I better go find her. I look over at the hallway, I can't just leave Matthew here though. He was so upset because Faith let, what if he wakes up and sees that I'm gone, what will he do?

“It's ok, I'll watch him for you. I already took the liberty of uninviting Spike, hope you don't mind. I heard you arguing with him earlier and you told him to leave and never come back so I thought I'd go ahead and put the block back up.” I give her a small hug and tell her thank you. Then I slip my sandals on and grab my car keys off of the table. I leave and lock the door behind me. I get into my car and start to drive around. I go to the park first because that's where she goes when she needs to think. But she isn't there. I check some of the bars thinking that maybe if she had a panic attack she'd go out and drink to help take the edge off, but she isn't anywhere. I look everywhere I can think of but I can't find her. So after two hours of looking I finally go home.

When I get back Willow's already in bed and the only light on is the little table lamp on the end table next to the couch. I take off my shoes and sit down on the couch. I pick up the remote and start flipping through the channels. My stomach growls out for food but I don't want to eat anything. I'm too worried about Faith to eat. I know I should go out there right now and patrol, look around and see if maybe she just hit the cemeteries, but I don't. I can't just leave because Willow's in bed and I don't want to leave Matthew alone. It's not that I don't trust Willow because I do, but she's asleep and she doesn't have a slayer's hearing so if something happens, if someone breaks in or something she might not hear it. So I channel surf and the last thing I see before I go to sleep is the memory of the panicked look on her face when we were in the bedroom when she realized that she had left Matthew alone when Spike was in the house.

When I wake up I'm in my bed. How the hell did I get here? The last thing I can remember is looking for Faith. I sit up really quick and see that the bedroom door is open. There's no sound whatsoever and it's really starting to creep me out. I look over at the clock, it's nine pm. How is it nine pm when I didn't get home until around ten? Oh God, did I sleep for eleven hours? I think I did. My head hurts a little bit, probably from all of the stress, but I feel a little better. I get up and go into the kitchen. I let out a huge sigh of relief when I see Faith, sitting on the counter like she knows I hate, eating something out a bowl. I can tell that she's already gone patrolling. She looks a little distant, a little mad but distant.

“Hey baby, when did you get home?” I ask and try to sound as neutral as possible. I want to know what happened to her but I don't want to push it. I don't want her to withdraw and I don't want her mad at me. I just want to take her back to bed so I can cuddle with her because I really need my Faithy cuddles right now. She doesn't answer me, just keeps staring straight in front of her. Her eyebrows will furrow and then relax every couple of seconds, like she's remembering something. “Baby, you ok?” I take a couple of sets closer to her but she still doesn't look at me. I'm standing right in front of her now and it's like she's looking straight through me, I might as well rename myself to Casper. “Faith. Faith, hello? Earth to the space cadet.” I wave my hand in front of her and still nothing. Damn, when she zones out she really zones out. I put my hand on her shoulder and I finally get a reaction, but a bad one. She winces and pulls back and she drops the bowl and it shatters on the floor.

“Buffy, didn't see you there. When did you wake up?” she asks, looking a little embarrassed. Something's wrong with her, that much is obvious. I bend down and start to clean up the glass very carefully. I see that she, hopefully she, has changed me into my Carebear pajamas. Shut up, a girl is never too old for Carebear pajamas and I don't care what you think. Anyway, I clean up the glass and then stand in front of her. She hasn't moved from her spot on the counter. I wrap my arms around her waist and rest my head on her shoulder.

“A couple minutes ago.” I say very sweetly. I can almost taste the sugar on my tongue it's said so sweetly. “I missed you last night. Is everything ok? Willow said you looked a little...” I need to put it delicately or she might bolt. “Upset. Wanna talk about it?” I feel her tense up a little but I pretend not to notice. Don't really know why. Usually when she tenses up I'll pull back a little, give her her space but not tonight. Right now I just need to feel her against me, even if it's her just holding me like this.

“I'm fine, just stressed `cause of all the shit that's happenin.” I can tell she's lying. She's always been a bad liar. Her voice always gets a little more high pitched when she lies and she holds her breath for a few seconds afterwards, like she's bracing herself for the person's reaction or something. I let her get away with it, we can talk about it tomorrow I guess. Right now I just want to go back to bed. I can feel her heat up against my stomach and it's starting to drive me a little crazy. Might as well help her take care of those post slaying hornies. The work of a slayer is never done, yeah right `cause I really look at hot lesbian sex with Faith as a chore, get a grip. I feel a little yucky though. I need to get a shower, I feel like I've been sweating, and there's almost nothing nastier then the feel of dry sweat.

“Baby, I'm gonna go get a shower, why don't you wait for me in the bedroom?” I say in my naughty voice. She always likes it when I use my naughty voice. I guess tonight is the exception. She lets go of me and I back up. I look up at her and she has this totally fake smile on her face, like everything is just right with the world. She leans in a puts a soft kiss on my forehead and then slides down off of the counter. Her body presses up against mine but either she doesn't care or she pretends not to notice. She steps around me and walks off to the bedroom. Ok, that was fucking weird.

I get my shower, this one is a long one. I usually take really short showers but tonight the water feels really good on my back and on my scalp and I don't want to leave it. It only takes me like fifteen minutes to wash my body and my hair, the other thirty is simply spent letting the water pelt my back and shoulders. I get out after the water is running ice cold. I dry myself off and then towel dry my hair. I put the pajamas back on because I know they're probably not going to be on for long and I can't help the little cringe at the gross feeling that the insides of the fabric has on it because of the sweat. I feel like taking another shower, but I've made Faith wait long enough. Maybe she's already started without me. I like catching her, it's fun to tease her about it because she gets all embarrassed and it's so cute.

So I walk into the bedroom still dabbing my hair with the towel. The lamp on my side of the bed is turned on but hers is off. She's under the covers, facing me, and she has that distant look on her face again. The white part of her eyes is dark and there are some tears running down her face and they land on the bed. She does nothing to wipe them away. It's like she doesn't even know I'm here or else she'd try to hide them because she doesn't like to cry in front of me. I close the door and sit down next to her. I gently reach forward and cup her cheek with my hand. She flinches so I pull my hand back. She's never done that before.

“Faith, what's wrong?” I ask but she doesn't answer. She sniffles and she wipes the tears away from her eyes and she glances at me for a second but then she looks forward again and starts staring. I reach out and put my hand on her hip, I need to touch her to try and comfort her, but again she flinches. It's like some part of her subconscious thinks I'm going to hurt her or something. “Baby please, what's the matter?” She just shakes her head no and doesn't look at me. If she won't talk to me then I can't help her. I can't make the hurt go away. I get up and put the towel on the back of the chair that's at the little vanity desk.

I crawl under the covers but leave the light on. I turn so that I'm facing her back. I know that she's knows that I'm watching her because her back muscles tense up a little bit. I reach out and gently touch the tight muscles, to try and massage the stiffness away but again she flinches. Ok, this is just getting annoying now. I ask her what's wrong one more time and again she remains silent. I can only wonder as to what's going on in her mind. And if she doesn't want to tell me then I can't help her. I feel a little rejected as I turn around and face away from her. The heel of my foot accidentally brushes against her calf and she fucking flinches again. What is wrong with her? I turn out the light and lay my head down on the pillow. I can hear her sniffle, hear the beginning of a sob but she holds it in. I close my eyes and try to ignore it because if I try to help her when she's like this then a big fight will happen, I know it.

I open my eyes again when I feel movement. I look over at the alarm clock and it reads eleven thirty-five. Somehow I must've dozed off. Seems pretty impossible after sleeping for eleven hours but whatever. Anyway, I feel her moving around, and I know she's asleep because the movement is a little twitchy and erratic. I roll over and I see her lying on her back with her hands above her head. The covers have been kicked down so they're by her knees and I can see that her legs are spread open a little bit. She's making this small moaning sound and then a couple of winces. Is she having a sex dream? Hmm, I wonder if I'm the one she's dreaming about. I scoot over so I'm only an inch or two away from her. I slowly lean over and place a small kiss on her neck.

“No.” She says and she sounds like she's gonna cry. What? What is going on inside of that head of hers? “No, please.” Is she dreaming about being raped or something? Was she ever raped? I don't know because she refuses to tell me anything about her past. “Don't just leave me here.” Ok so it isn't a rape dream but I still want to know what's going on. I don't like not knowing when I'm this curious, it really pisses me off. “Billy please.” Ok, I don't know who this Billy person is and the fact that she's calling out to him or her in her sleep is making me a little, annoyed. I know you can't control what you dream, but I would like her to be dreaming about me because I dream about her. Maybe this is from her childhood? I don't know. I reach out and gently shake her shoulder.

“Faith.” She still sounds like she's going to cry. She's whimpering a little bit and her legs are thrashing around a little. “Faith, sweetheart, wake up. Faith, it's just a dream. Faith.” She finally starts to wake up and when she does she looks confused, like she doesn't know where she is. It takes her a few minutes to realize that it's me lying next to her, and that she's in our bedroom. She breaths in a deeply and lets out a sigh. She's sweating and her breathing is still a little labored. “Wanna talk about it? Please baby, tell me what's been bothering you.”

I want her to open up to me, I want to know what's been eating away at her, what got her so pissed off that she broke a magically reinforced punching bag. But she doesn't. She looks into my eyes for a few seconds with this look of sadness and hurt and then she rolls over so she's facing away from me. I feel very rejected to say the least. I roll over onto my other side so I'm facing away from her. If she doesn't want to tell me, then fine, she doesn't have to tell me. She can just let it all build until she drives herself insane.

I feel her move again. She's rolling over on the bed so that she's facing my back. I really don't want to look at her right now. I feel her move my hair away from my neck and she starts to kiss the now exposed skin. Her lips are a little dry and her breath is really hot. She snakes her arm around and lets it rest on my stomach. She starts to trace the outline of my bellybutton with her thumb. Then her hand moves up and she pushes on my shoulder so I'm lying on my back. She keeps kissing my neck and my body starts to react to her touches. I'm already getting wet and my legs are automatically spreading open a little, waiting for her to go lower. I try to get her to stop because this isn't like her. She's usually talkative and at least makes sure that I'm still awake before doing this.

“Faith, wait.” I say and press up on her shoulder but she doesn't stop. She isn't being very gentle about it either. She's usually so gentle with me in the beginning and she doesn't get rough unless I want her to. But now, it's like she doesn't even know it's me. It's like she's treating me like one of her conquests, like she just plans on using me then losing me. “Faith, stop. Stop it.” I push up really hard and she backs off. She looks confused and I know I look a little mad. She sits up and then cups my cheek with her hand like I had tried to do earlier.

“What's the matter, B?” Ok, I need her to be a little more serious right now. I sigh and I place my hand over hers, the one that's still cupping my cheek. I gently rub the back of it with my thumb and I see her smile. Maybe it's just me, maybe she wasn't acting strange just now and I'm just a little sensitive because of everything that's going on? I don't know.

 “It's just…” I don't really want to tell her in case it was just me. But I do because we're girlfriends, lovers, partners, whatever you want to call us, and we're supposed to be honest with each other. “You were being a little rough, that's all.” She smiles a sweet smile, the smile that I can never say no to, and I always crumble under. She leans forward and gently brushes her lips up against mine. It's a nice, slow, tender kiss and I quickly get lost in it. I open my mouth to deepen it and she pulls back. She starts kissing my neck again and I get wrapped up in her touch. This feels good, it's just what I needed. After dealing with all of the stress and hearing all of the sadness it's good to know that you're loved. She bites down on my skin and I wince in pain. She usually nibbles, just tiny little love-nips, but this was a full on bite. “Be gentle.” I tell her but she either doesn't hear me or pretends not to.

“Just go with it, B.” She tells me and my brows furrow. She climbs on top of me and starts to slowly grind against me. It feels pretty good that is until she starts to speed up. Her movements are rough and hard and it's starting to hurt a little. I grab onto her hips to get her to slow down but then she grabs onto my wrists and holds my hands above my head. She's still kissing my neck as she continues to hump me rough and hard. She lets go of my wrists and reaches down and starts to pull off my pajama bottoms. I stop her and she looks at me with that confused look again.

“Faith. You're not being gentle. You're hurting me a little bit. Please, just don't if you can't calm down.” She smiles again, that smile that I always crumble under and I find myself becoming very…crumbley. She reaches down and continues to pull on my pants. I help her take them off because her touch is a lot softer now. Then she takes off her underwear, and then mine. She sits up so she can lift off her shirt, and I help her take off mine. Her lower body is on my thigh and she's lightly grinding up against it, smearing her wetness all over it as she softly kisses my neck. She's a lot calmer now, a lot gentler and I sigh a small breath of relief. That is until she bites me again. I very painful bit right on the side of my neck. I think she's been hanging around vampires for way too long. Maybe it is time we retire as slayers.

“Ow, Faith, don't do that.” She licks the mark that she's left on my body and the pain lessens. She starts to ride my leg a lot harder. I feel one of her hands snake its way down my body. She scrapes her fingernails on my abdomen and it hurts a little bit and I wince. I'm about to say something, to get her off of me, to try and get her talk to open up, but before I can she enters me with three fingers. “Ow! Faith.” She takes that as a sign to continue, at least that's what it seems like and she starts thrusting into me very roughly. She's sucking on my neck now and it doesn't feel pleasant like it normally does. She takes her fingers out of me to my relief but then she slides off of my leg. She spreads my legs farther apart and positions herself so that we're clit to clit. The kisses on my neck have softened a lot but I doubt it'll stay that way for long.

“Faith, please.” Before I say anything else she's thrusting against me, rough and raw. It hurts, I don't think this has ever hurt before but it does now. She clamps down on my neck, she bites but she doesn't let go. “Ouch! Faith stop!” I scream and she finally stops moving. She looks up at me the confused look is on her face again and I just want to smack it off. I push her off of me so she's lying on her side of the bed. She asks what's the matter but I ignore her. I roll over onto my side so I'm facing away from her. I grab onto the covers and pull them up my body and hold them tightly against me. Her touch comforted me earlier in the kitchen, and I craved more of it. Now her touching me is the last thing that I want her to do. I asked her to be gentle, to calm down how many times? I can't take this. I can't take it and I start to break down. My sobs are quiet at first but they get louder and louder until I can't hear anything else. I feel her hand on my side and I flinch and pull away.

“Don't fucking touch me!” I get up and run out of the room. I'm still nude but I don't care. There're towels in the bathroom along with one of my bathrobes so when I leave there that's what I'll put on. I close the door and lock it and then turn on the shower to help cover up the sounds of my tears. I can't believe her. What happened that was so fucking horrible that she treated me that way? Was that her revenge for inviting Spike into the house? First she threatens to take Matthew away and now she makes me feel violated? I hear someone knocking on the bathroom door. It's not Faith because I can always feel when she's near, the same goes for Matthew.

No, this is Willow, but I don't want to see anyone right now. Apparently she doesn't care that I want to be alone. She magically unlocks the door and steps into the room. I'm sitting on the floor, my legs tightly pulled up to my chest to cover my nakedness. I'm leaning up against the sink, my face is buried in my knees and I'm sobbing very hard. I look up when I feel her wrap something around me. It's a blanket, I guess she just assumed I would be naked or something. She sits down next to me and wraps her arms around me and pulls me close to her. I rest my head on her shoulder and cry. Kind of funny if you think about it. Earlier I was comforting her because her lover left and now she's comforting me because mine wouldn't back off. I want to ask her if this is some type of sign. I want to ask her if Kennedy was acting strangely before she left because I'm seriously starting to think that Faith is going to leave me soon.

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