Three Hours Later. CPOV

“Oh baby, yeah that's it. Just a little harder,” I moan like a porn star, and dig my finely manicured nails into Kennedy's strong back. She's a slayer she can handle it. My words spur her on, and she starts thrusting harder into me. I think it's a little annoying that after all this time together she's still afraid of hurting me if she's a little rough. Now I'm not the kind of girl who likes pain with her pleasure, but I don't like being gentle all the time. Being gentle is for when there's some deeper emotion behind it, like when you spend a romantic evening together and you want to use your body as a tool to show the other person just how much you love them. Gentle and loving have nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now. This is more animalistic. She brings that out in me a lot, the desire to be taken and fucked really hard. “Oh God, oh God, oh God!” It's all I can say. My mind is too clouded with this feeling of pleasure to think of anything else to say.

“No, I'm not God, but thanks for the compliment.” Even in bed she's a smart ass, but I let her get away with it because she makes me feel so good. Every one of my nerve endings is on fire, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. All I can hear is our heavy breathing, and the rhythmic thump, thump, thump of our hips slamming together. I feel her hot breath against my ear as she gently kisses the shell and then sucks on the lobe. “So you want it rough?” Her voice is husky and I almost don't recognize it. I can't say anything so I just nod my head. “Ok babe, if you think you can handle it.” Then I feel her start to thrust into me harder then she ever has before. My pussy is going to be so sore tomorrow, but it's going to be so worth it. I have to concentrate to keep up with her, and I almost want to tell her to slow down, but I don't. But I do want to scream, not in pleasure but in frustration when her cell phone rings.

“Don't you dare answer that!” I yell out and moan when the strap on presses against my g-spot. I feel her start to slow down a little bit and I want to yell out in frustration. I interlock my legs around her back to prevent her from getting up. It won't do anything good, she's a slayer after all, and I'm just a seer. It's not like there's much I can do to stop her if she wants to get up. She doesn't get up, she just stops. The strap on is still deep inside me, all ten inches of it, and she's just breathing against my neck as the phone continue to rings. This doesn't happen a lot, but just enough to be a nuisance. Why can't evil wait until morning to cause problems? Why does it have to interfere with my nightly plans? Kennedy finally reaches over and picks up the phone, flips it open and holds it up to her ear.

“The world better be ending or I'm gonna kill you.” She gets really bitchy when we're interrupted during sex. But she has to answer the phone whenever it rings at odd hours of the night because she's a slayer, and it's her job to answer the call of duty. That doesn't stop me from trying to send myself to happy land. I'm gyrating my hips very slowly, getting the pressure back up, and it's working a little bit. My blood is starting to flow faster, my breathing is harder, and just when I think I'm making progress I hear something that makes my blood run cold, and my heart stop. Not literally but you catch my drift. “Willow, slow down. What's the problem?” I can't help the little glare that appears on my face at the sound of her name. Willow and I have made our peace, we did that at Buffy and Faith's wedding, and we can be civil towards each other, but that doesn't mean I want her calling and talking to Kennedy when she's clearly upset about something.

I gently push her by the shoulders and she gets the hint to get off of me. She pulls out of me and sits down on the edge of the bed and continues to talk to Willow. I get up and slip on my silk robe and sit in the not so comfortable chair by the window. I really don't want to be in the same room while she talks to her ex-girlfriend, but there's not much I can do about that. I know I'm being shallow but I don't really care. Everybody gets jealous of the ex, everybody. You can pretend that you don't get jealous, you can put on your fake smiles and say that everything is ok, but inside you just wanna bash their head against a wall for interrupting your life. And that's exactly what she's done. It's way more then the phone call that I'm talking about, it's the fact that Kennedy is rushing around now, trying to get her pants back on and looking a little frantic.

“Get dressed, we have to go.” I hate it when she bosses me around. She may be a slayer but that doesn't give her the right to tell me what to do. “Where'd you throw my bra?” She sounds distracted and it only takes her a second to find the thing. She slips it on and then puts on her shirt. I ask her what the hell is going on, and she looks back at me with an annoyed look on her face. If anyone should be annoyed right now it's me. “The demon we've been tracking moved north a lot sooner then I thought it was going to. It ate a bunch of people and when Faith and Buffy tried to stop it, it almost killed Faith and it took Buffy.” I don't think I've ever gotten dressed that quick before. And not just getting dressed, but combing out my hair and touching up my makeup. What? I'm supposed to look like a total freak because some big bad demon has Buffy? The whole world doesn't revolve around her ya know.

We run out to the car and jump in. Now that the reality of the situation has had a chance to sink in I realize that right now the world should revolve around Buffy. The demon that has her is a nasty one. We've been tracking it for about a month now and right when we think we're making some progress it gets by us. It's m.o. is like a lot of other demons which makes it hard to track. It feeds on the people that society has deemed worthless. Ya know, homeless people and teen runaways. It finds them and it feeds. Rips them open and eats their organs. I know, it's a total yuck situation. We've been trying to find a way to stop it but nothing has worked. I have some experience with magic, and every spell I tried didn't work. Kennedy tried fighting the demon a couple of weeks ago, and she's still recovering from it. This thing pulverized her. She still limps a little on her left leg, but that's the only sign that she fought this thing and survived.

We've been driving ourselves to exhaustion trying to find this thing because according to the books this thing is going to go into heat soon, and trust me that's not good. We can't find a way to kill it, how are we supposed to save whoever it takes? I guess the more appropriate question would be, how are we going to save Buffy? It makes sense that he would take her now that I'm thinking about it. She's one of the strongest slayers in the world, and she's had a couple of kids so her insides are stretchy enough to accommodate one of these things. I don't know how long ago she was taken, and yes that definitely matters. We only have a few hours to find her before the demon will finish all of its mating rituals, and once that happens we'll be pretty much helpless to stop what the demon plans on doing. Jeez, that drive went by really fast. And there's the hotel. Let's hope we have enough time.

There haven't been a lot of situations in my life that I viewed completely hopeless. For the most part I try to be an optimist, a silver lining type of person. This situation is proving to be a big fat exception. We've been trying to find a solution for hours. All of us have been reading page after page of pointless and very useless information. I mean, who cares if the demon's pee is blue? It's not going to help us find Buffy in time. From Willow's estimations we have about five hours left to find her before the demon does the last ritual. And trust me we don't' want that to happen.

The only one who hasn't been reading these stupid books is Willow. She's been doing spell after spell trying to find Buffy. Locator spells for her, locator spells for the demon, and locator spells for evil in general. She has three slayers out now hunting down demons and vampires and they're supposed to call the second they know anything. I didn't get to meet them because they were gone by the time Kennedy and I got here. I'm pretty sure these girls are not experienced enough to go up against a demon like this. That's why they were stationed in Redding in the first place. Yes this town does have its share of supernatural evil, but the biggest evil before this demon came along was the horrifying lack of fashion sense that everyone in this town seems to have.

“Did you find anything useful yet?” Kennedy asks and hovers over my shoulder. She's been driving me a little crazy. Maybe I would be able to find something useful if she'd stop interrupting me every five minutes. I haven't said anything to her about it yet. I can't really blame her for being restless. If my best friend was beaten to a bloody pulp and her wife was in the hands of some nasty, kidnaping, rapist demon I'd be a little spastic too. She's been pacing for the last twenty minutes. Every once in a while she'll pick up a book and flip through it but she's too wound up to sit down and research. Patience is definitely not one of her virtues.

“No I haven't.” Ok, that came out a little harsher then I wanted it to. But that's ok because she's been with me long enough to know better then to ask me pointless questions. If I had found something I would have said so by now. But I understand her uneasiness so I'll cut her some slack. “Why don't you go check on the kids? Make sure they're still sleeping. We wouldn't want them to see Faith looking the way she is. It would traumatize them for life.” We both know I'm right so she has almost no room to argue. And with what little room she has she argues like I just asked her to walk into oncoming traffic or something.

“Sky's checked on the kids three times in the last five minutes. It's safe to assume that they're still asleep.” I watch her eyes roam around the room until they find the slayer witch hybrid. I can't help but notice the little glare she sends Sky's way. I turn around to see why Kennedy is glaring and I shake my head a little bit. I guess the latest spell didn't work just like the others and she's trying to comfort Willow. She has her wrapped up in a big hug and she's whispering things into the redhead's ear. So that's why Kennedy has been acting so weird. At first I thought Ken was being a bitch to her because they're both slayers, and every slayer feels the need to be the dominate one in a group of people. The real reason: she's jealous. Sky is with precious little Willow and Kennedy can't stand it.

“You mind looking away? Your eyes are starting to turn a little green.” Ok so it's not one of my best lines, but it did the intended trick. She's looking at me with her puppy-dog eyes and an `I'm sorry, please forgive me' expression. But I'm not going to forgive her just yet. She left me twice in favor of Willow and I'm not about to rule out the possibility of it happening again. Only it won't be so easy with Sky in the picture. She's been marking her territory ever since she was introduced to Kennedy. “Will you go check on Faith? I think the pain killers are wearing off.” She doesn't argue with me on this one. She squeezes my shoulder a little and tries to catch my eyes before she leaves the room but I won't let her.

I go back to reading this very boring book and try to forget about all of the small problems going on around me. Like always this is about Buffy, and finding her is more important then being mad at my girlfriend for getting jealous over an ex. If I were Kennedy I'd probably be jealous too. I'd also be worried out of my mind, like I know she is. This is the part that we haven't told Faith yet because we're afraid she's going to freak out and hurt herself even more. We're trying to find Buffy before the demon rapes her not just to save her from the traumatic experience but to save her life. I'll keep it simple: the demon rapes the victim, the victim becomes pregnant with the evil offspring, the offspring grows inside the victim's uterus for about three months, and then eats its way out of the victim. So we really need to find Buffy before she gets inseminated with the demon seed.

“She's still alive, so we can't give up hope yet. As long as she's alive she has a chance,” Willow announces. I guess she's trying to get us to look on the bright side. But I gotta tell ya it's hard to see the bright side of a pitch black room. Lets say that we find Buffy in time. We find out where the demon is keeping her and we all go to her rescue. Then what? This thing almost killed Faith then took off with the most experienced slayer in the world. The world. Not just this city, county, state or country, but the world. So we find her, show up to rescue her and then die trying to save her? Is that the plan? `Cause if it is it need some work.

“I don't mean to be a negative Nancy,” oh yeah, I can totally see why Willow likes Sky. She may not look it but she's as big a geek as Willow. “But what do we do after we find Buffy? This thing was strong enough to almost kill Faith and run off with the strongest slayer of all time. How do we fight that?” At least she's willing to ask the question that's on everyone's mind. I would have said something sooner but I was a little distracted by the negative Nancy comment.

“I'll distract him while you and the other slayers get her and bring her back here. He has some strong magics but not strong enough. I almost got a read on where she is. I just need a little more time. Whatever he's using to block their location is losing power. If we had the time I'd just wait it out, but it'll take longer then five hours to completely fade.” At least we finally have some good news. I was getting ready to deem this situation hopeless instead of just seemingly hopeless. Now there's only one question on everybody's mind that even I'm afraid to ask: what happens if we don't find her in time?

BPOV

I don't know how long it's been since the demon marked me but it feels like forever. Like I've been sitting here in this spot longer then anyone can remember. I'm sure I've been sitting here longer then any type of stop watch could keep track. The only way I know that time hasn't stopped all together is because the ache between my legs is getting worst. I have to have some kind of release because its starting to hurt really bad. My clitoris is engorged with more blood then it can handle and its sore. I'm getting a little light headed because it's been a long time since any of that blood has flowed through my brain. I think I'm going crazy, but I don't want to give in. I just feel like if I give in to this need and give myself some release then the demon wins. And we all know how competitive I can be.

I've tried almost everything I can think of to get rid of this need. I thought about my kids for a while but I had to stop. Thinking about my kids while I'm this horny just felt weird. So I started thinking about all of the things I have to do when I get home. Every single thing ended in me fucking Faith. I thought about having to pay the water bill, but that led to thoughts of fucking Faith in the shower. Thinking about the laundry only led to thoughts of fucking Faith while she's sitting on the dryer. And finally the one that got me worked up the most was the thought of taking Tucker for a walk because it ended with me fucking Faith doggy style with the strap-on. So I stopped thinking about that and tried something else but ti didn't work. It ended up with me and Faith having mind blowing sex on a deserted beach.

So now I'm keeping my mind completely blank and trying as hard as I can to ignore the pain in my panties. Ever since he took my clothes off of me it's gotten worst. The cold air has been kissing my hot skin, and caressing my very alert nerve endings, and turning me on even more. I've always had a thing for cold when I'm turned on. I don't know what it is, but the feeling of something cool being pressed against my scorching skin just makes me even hornier. Spike was the first one who figured that out. He took some ice and pressed it against the back of my neck just to piss me off a little, but it made me moan, and shiver and fuck him just a little harder. God, even thinking about Spike is turning me on. Could this day get any worst? The demon just stood up from his seat at that table, so I guess my question is about to be answered.

The demon walk over to the edge of my invisible cage and moves the rock, and the cage is disabled. I try to get passed him but I'm weak and he's not. He grabs me by my hair and pulls me close to him. I can feel the roughness at his skin against my exposed back and it sickens me how much my body loves it. My clit is throbbing way more then it was a few seconds ago and I can feel my wetness pooling in my panties. The smell of it is thick and its driving my senses a little crazy. I can't force my hips to stay still and they're rocking, searching for something hard to press my pussy against. My nipples are straining even tighter against the material of my bra wanting to be pinched and sucked and teased. I really want to be back at the hotel so I can fuck Faith. She's the only one who can give me what I truly need.

I feel the demon let go of my hair and he picks me up and cradles me like I”m a child or something. I try so hard to stop shivering but I can't. The feel of his rough skin against my hot and wanting flesh is making me shiver with desire and I really think I'm going to be sick. I know I can't force my body to stop feeling what its feeling because the demon did something to me. Whatever he forced down my throat is making me like this. So I'll just think about Faith again. I imagine that we're back at the house in our own bed. Her hard nipples rub against mine as she hovers above me. I arch my back so they rub against each other a little harder. The sensation is doing nothing more but making me hotter for her. I moan out her name in an almost pleading tone, but she doesn't take me, not yet. She wants to torture me just a little first.

Her kiss swollen lips latch onto my throat and she roughly takes my skin into her mouth and marks me as hers. Her teeth draw just a little blood as she gets a little carried away. I moan deep when three of her fingers enter me. She takes me so rough and hard and I almost can't keep up. She just keeps pounding into me harder, and harder, and I feel her other hand teasing my clit. I try to manipulate my body so she's putting more pressure on it but for some reason I can't really move. Then she pinches it hard and I scream as I come all over her hand, my thighs, and our bed. I don't think I've ever come that hard in my entire life. I keep whispering her name over and over again, like a prayer, and I don't ever want to stop. She's my salvation, my everything and I don't ever want to let her go.

I hear a strange clicking noise and it rips me out of my little fantasy. I open my eyes and the demon is making the strange clicking noise with his mouth. It sounds like he's trying to talk to me or something in whatever demon language he's speaking in. I don't feel his rough body against me anymore. What I'm against is hard, and smooth, and cold. It feels almost like the table he tied me to earlier. But my arms and legs don't feel tied down. I do feel something hard between my legs. It isn't inside my panties, but ti's pressed up against my clit. I don't want to look but I have to. My gaze moves from the demons mouth to his shoulder. Inch by inch until I'm finally staring at the hand that's firmly between my legs. Legs that are spread wide and begging for something to enter the space between them.

I can't believe I just got a hand job by a demon and I didn't even notice. And I'm not feeling guilty just because a demon violated me like that. I feel guilty at how satisfied I feel. That was probably one of the best orgasms I've ever had and that's what I feel guilty about. I was thinking about Faith, and how worked up she gets me, and how good she makes me feel, but Faith didn't bring me to orgasm, the demon did. Is that why the demon brought me out here? Did he know how worked up I was and he decided to relieve some of the pressure? Judging by the fact that he's now tying me down I'm going to say no. All I can do is watch as he walks over to another table and starts mixing things in another bowl. I really hope he isn't going to make me drink that because it smells disgusting. I see something else on the other table. A needle. And not like the needle he used earlier to mark me. It's a hypodermic needle, and it's already fill with some kind of blue-ish liquid. I try to struggle but the handcuffs are just as strong as they were before.

I try not to think about the needle. I try not to focus on all of the questions running through my mind. On all of the little voices asking things like `what is it for?' and `where is he going to put it?'. I couldn't help but notice that it's a long needle. Eight inches long maybe. Long enough to make me start to panic. I try not to but it happens. My whole body starts twisting around as I try to break free. It's pretty pointless though. These shackles have probably been magically altered so nothing can break them. So I think about my kids instead of focusing on all of this bad stuff. I think about when Matthew's baby teeth were growing in and he was fussy all the time, and had a little bit of a temperature. Faith would sit up with him at night and read to him, and let him chew on her fingers. God that was such a long time ago.

When Addison was cutting teeth it was completely different. She wasn't just fussy like Matthew had been. She was downright pissed off. She was in so much pain that we had to get her doctor to prescribe her some painkillers. We could have gotten the same stuff over the counter but we were kind of panicking because no matter what we did she wouldn't stop crying. So we put some of the red sticky liquid on her gums and it numbed them within a matter of minutes. We when she finally fell asleep it felt like the heavens were smiling upon us, and all was right with the world. Then Matthew came home from school and stared yelling because he got a good grade on a history project he turned in a few days before. We didn't have time to react, to tell him to be quiet because the baby was asleep, and she woke up and started screaming. It took both me and Faith over three hours to get her to go back to sleep.

I snap my attention back to the demon when I see him move towards me. He doesn't have the needle, only the bowl but that doesn't make this any less frightening. I clench my jaw shut and give him the best defiant look that I can conjure up. But it doesn't really matter because he isn't walking towards my face. He stands near my stomach and dips his hand in the bowl. He pulls it out and starts to rub my stomach. Whatever the liquid is it's really warm and for some reason it's calming me down. Don't get me wrong, my body still feels on fire and I still want to be fucked, but I don't feel panicked. I don't pay attention to anything else but the feel of the warm and soothing wetness being spread over my stomach and abdomen. I watch as his hand leaves my wanting flesh and disappears back into the bowl. A couple of seconds later its back on me, and gently daces over me in a rhythmic and hypnotizing way. When his hand leaves my body a second time I close my eyes and wait for it to return.

I feel a light pinch but I don't worry about it. I'm too relaxed to care what's happening. But I'm sure that light burning sensation is cause for some concern. So I slowly open my eyes to see what's causing it and my entire body goes numb at the sight. You know that needle I talked about not too long ago? Well a lot of that needle, I can't really tell how much, is now inside of my stomach and the demon is slowly draining all of that blue fluid into my stomach. Well to be honest I don't really think it's going into my stomach. From the location of the needle I'd say he's putting that stuff into my right ovary, but what do I know? It's not like I'm a doctor or something close to it. I force myself not to struggle. No I don't want that thing inside me, and no I don't want him putting that stuff inside of me, but if I struggle and the needle breaks off how do you think he's going to get it out? Or he could just leave it in there and I could die from a massive infection.

I wince when he pulls the needle out of me. I'm suddenly filled with a sense of relief and fear. Relief because I don't have that huge needle inside of me and fear because I now have some strange liquid flowing freeing inside of my body and there's not a thing I can do to stop it. I can only assume it has something to do with him wanting me horny all the time. I'm going to go ahead and point out the obvious and say that this is going to try and...breed with me. It's the only thing that truly makes sense. If he wanted to rape me he would have done so by now. But he's treating me with care. He hasn't really hurt me, except for pulling my hair when I tried to get away. He doesn't want to cause me any harm that could make it difficult for me to conceive. If I thought I was going to be sick before then i know I'm going to now.

I don't try to get away when he unbinds my hands and feet. My muscles are still to relaxed from when he was massaging my stomach. And I think I'm in shock or something. Everything is moving in slow motion and I don't know how to make it normal. I don't know how to go back a minute or two before I came to that terrifying conclusion. I don't care if it was staring me in the face and I was just too stupid to see it. I just want someone to come and save me because I would rather die then have something evil growing inside of me. TO feel it moving around and feeding off of me would probably drive me insane. And it's not like I'd really have the option of going to a clinic and getting an abortion. There's no way I'm going to be able to escape, and I'm sure aborting a demon is a lot different then a baby. I'm sure there'd have to be spells involved ro something. The point is, is if this demon does get me pregnant I'll die. I'll make myself die somehow because I can't have one of those things growing inside of me.

I feel the demon sit me up on the table. I don't try to get away, or move in any way. I think I am in shock because that's the only way I'd lose my desire to fight back. I should be struggling like hell now that I'm pretty sure I know why he's keeping me here. Why he took me away from my wife, from my family. Do you think he'd be able to understand if I talk? I haven't pleaded because there are a lot of demons that only speak their language. I think he's one of them so why bother trying? What could I possibly say that will make him let me go? `No please, I've got a wife and three kids, you gotta let me go'. Like that line hasn't been used before. Ok, so it isn't a line, I really do have a wife and three kids but do you think he cares? I sigh loudly and he doesn't look away from what he's doing. He's gently massaging my stomach with more of that warm liquid, but I'm too numb to feel it or care.

Is this what hopeless situations feel like? Because I think I'm stuck in one. I don't know how long I've been here, it feels like days, but I can't be too sure. For all I know time works way different here and I have been here for days, but outside of this cave it's only been a couple of minutes. Maybe that's why no one has come to my rescue? Please, who am I trying to fool? I may not understand everything about the different dimensions and the way time works between them, but I'm pretty sure you can't alter just one space, it actually has to be a different world or something. So there's no way that it's been days. Hours maybe, but not days. And nobody's found me because they don't know where I am. Faith is probably dead. If she didn't die from internal bleeding then a vampire found her and drained her. That feels like a knife to the heart, but I bite the tears back. I'll cry after he puts me back in invisible cage, but not directly in front of him. I may have given up the will to fight, but I still have some dignity.

When he finally does carry me back to the cage and lay me down I don't even wait for him to leave before I start bawling my eyes out. I'm crying for lots of reasons at this point. For being trapped here with a demon I can kill or get away from. For seeing the demon beat the living hell out of Faith and just leave her there to die. For the fact that she's probably dead, lying at the edge of the woods all alone. For the fact that I'm probably never going to see my kids again. I'm never going to see them grow up. Matthew will remember me, hopefully, but Addison and Joseph are too young to remember. Addison might remember little things, but Joseph won't. I'm crying because I have so much fear, and so many different emotions ripping through my body and I can't control them anymore. And lastly, I'm crying because my body wants sex so much, and it's making me feel like a dirty, nasty whore. I just want to go home and forget all of this ever happened. Is that too much to ask?

Chapter 52: Calling In The Troops (part 2)

The Same Night. FPOV

The tension from the other room is starting to spill into here and it fucking sucks. I'm in here trying to ignore the physical pain from that ass kicking and then all the shit that's going on side of me. That demon has Buffy. Buffy, my wife, best friend, partner in slaying. She has my back when the kids start to drive me a little crazy, and she's the only one who truly believed that I could change. Ok, so Angel believed it before her, but its different with the scooby gang. I'm grateful for everything he's done for me, but it's not his forgiveness I was after. He understood why I wanted to hurt him. I was in love with Buffy and he was the thing in the way. The others just got caught in the crossfire.

Buffy was the one who made the first step in the right direction. She's the one who admitted her feelings for me. I felt the same way she did, I was just too chicken shit to do anything about it. I was almost too chicken to stick around afterwards. When we got to the Hyperion and we all had our own rooms I almost just left Buffy alone to be taken care of by her friends and family. I'm willing to admit that I was kind of forced into the job. Willow was too exhausted, Dawn was too upset, Xander was grieving, and Giles told me to do it. I'm glad they didn't give me an excuse to run. If I had known that the scoobs were going to take care of her I would've backed off. But they were too wrapped up with their own emotions. I'm not calling them selfish. They all deserved a break. I'm just glad I wasn't too scared to stay. And she forgave me for everything. I never though she'd do that.

But enough about all that. I don't want to be thinking about all the good times we had together, like I'm mourning over her or something. She isn't dead. I know she isn't. If she died I'd be able to feel it. I don't know how I know, I just do. Buffy isn't dead, we're going to get her back. So why is everyone acting like its hopeless? Why do they keep checking on the kids, and stealing glances from my room? It's like they're expecting me to say something, or do something, or freak out or cry some more and it's fucking irritating. Now that the drugs have worn off I have better control over my emotions so I'm not going to freak out. So they can all just stop. I just want them to stop! I just...I just want Buffy back. I want her back safe and sound so we can go home. Back to the neighborhood with the suburban weirdoes, and my beautiful house with the huge backyard. Tucker's probably freaking out. He's not used to being away from us for this long. God, listen to me. All this bad stuff is going on and I'm worried about my dog.

“Where do you think you're going?” I look up to the doorway and see Kennedy standing there. She's worried but she's trying not to show it. I wish she'd just leave me alone. I'm going to find Buffy whether she likes it or not. I can't just stay here while that demon does God know what to her. I throw her a little glare and try to stand up. I say try because my knee still hurts like a bitch and I have to sit back down. Kennedy walks in and sits next to me. She tries to move the hair out of my face but I pull back. “Stop being a stubborn ass. We're going to get her back before that thing lays a hand on her.” I don't say anything for about a minute.

“She hasn't been happy,” I tell her and let out a little sigh. This is the thing I've been avoiding. The one thing I really don't want to think about. But I have been for a while. “She might die soon and the only thing I can really think about is that I haven't been able to make her happy. We've been arguing lately and ignoring each other. And now I might not get the chance to make it better.” I lick my dry lips with my equally dry tongue and ignore the coppery taste of my blood. I don't break down like I thought I was going to. I just sit here in silence with the women who used to be my best friend. Lets stop pretending, we haven't talked to each other enough to be best friends. But right now that doesn't matter. “Is it weird seein Willow again? Now that she's with Sky, that's gotta be weird.” She looks at me with a `what the fuck?' expression and tears come to my eyes. “Everything is so out of control and I need to focus on something that doesn't seem so large. So, is it weird seeing Willow?” She gives me an understanding look and sighs a little bit.

“Like you wouldn't believe. It's so fucked because I want to be happy for her `cause she found someone she clicks with and they got a lot in common. But I'm jealous `cause I still feel like a part of her is mine. And I'm guilty for being jealous `cause I'm the one who walked away.” Wow, that is a fucked up situation. I'm about to say something but she keeps going, which I'm grateful for. “And I feel even guiltier `cause I know Cordelia is thinking I'm questioning us, and I'm not. It's just…Willow's special, ya know? I'm always gonna be jealous of the woman she's dating.” I kinda know where she's coming from. I was mad with jealousy when I walked in on B and that skank. God that seems like such a long time ago. I know that if me and B ever do divorce and she gets with someone else I'll never be able to be around them without losing control. That would drive me insane…again. Ok so we weren't together back in SunnyD but it felt like it until Angel came back.

“Man, I don't even want to imagine what Cordy's like when she's jealous. She's mean enough when she's normal.” We both chuckle a little but our laughter dies and we both freeze when we hear `I heard that!' from the other room. I give her a little `haha you're in trouble' smile but I'm really worried about my safety. Cordy's fuckin scary as hell when she's mad and I'm in no physical shape to defend myself. So lets get back to the overwhelming stuff, shall we? “So, did you find anything else out?” I know that she knows something she just doesn't want to tell me. I heard her when she first got here. She was freaking out and kept asking Willow how long ago the demon took Buffy. There's something all of them aren't telling me and its really starting to piss me off. I don't want to be in the dark anymore. I need to be in the know, even if the truth drives me crazy, or makes me pass out or something. There's a reason why Kennedy is now looking at me with some pity and why Sky is going to check on the kids again. There's a reason why, and I have to know what it is. I can tell she isn't going to tell me. She steeling her eyes off from me. So I go for a low blow. “Ken, what if it was Cordelia or Willow? You'd wanna know. Tell me what's so bad.” Hook, line, and sinker. All I gotta do is reel her in.

“Alright.” Score one for me. “But you gotta promise me not to freak out, ok?” I nod my head a little bit and she sighs. It's almost like she knows she's making a huge mistake but she's going to do it anyway. For a second I think she's going to back down, but she doesn't. She holds onto my hand, which is fuckin weird. Even when we were best friends we didn't do shit like this. She slowly licks her lips and opens her mouth to speak. And right before she can get a word out we hear a blood curdling scream that only my daughter could make. Kennedy jumps up and runs out of the room. I try to stand up but my knees gives out and I fall onto the bed. I hear everyone trying to calm her down, but she's completely freaking out. She's calling out for me and Buffy and the sound is breaking my heart. From what I can hear Kennedy's trying to hold her back and having a hell of a time doing it. Then Kennedy yells out in pain and the next thing I know Addy's booking it into the room. She jumps on the bed and runs over to me. I wrap my arms around her and ignore the pain it causes.

“Mama, a monster's got Mommy!” she cries into my ear. How the fuck does she know that? Did she overhear Red and the others talking about it? I realize that it doesn't matter that she's a slayer. That she's going to grow up and probably be one of the greatest. She's just a three-year-old right now and she shouldn't be in the know. Little kids belong in the dark where its safe. So I gently rub her back and softly lie to her. I tell her that a monster doesn't have her mommy, but she won't listen. She shakes her head no and smacks me on the shoulder. I try not to wince from the pain. “Yes it does. I sawed it.” She's crying so hard that she starts coughing. She saw it? So she had a slayer dream or something? She saw Buffy and the demon? “It's gonna hurt Mommy.” Great. She doesn't fuckin need this. She already has to deal with the tension and seein me beat to hell. She doesn't need to have a dream about the demon hurting Buffy. I'm going to go ahead and assume that Addy dreamt about the rape. She's just a little kid. She doesn't need to be dreaming about that. She shouldn't have to see her mommy being raped by some big, nasty demon.

“Faith, Matt just woke up and he's totally freaking out,” Sky says from the doorway. Great, just fucking great. Addy probably won't remember seeing that shit in a couple of weeks, maybe a month or two, but Mattie will probably develop a complex or something. I tell her to bring him in here and she leaves. Addy's still freaking out and she's having trouble breathing. I try rocking her even though all of my muscles and joints are protesting. I hear Mattie running towards the room and I look up just in time to see him fly through the doorway. He jumps up on the bed and looks into my eyes. He isn't crying but he's damn close to it. I reach out to run my fingers through his hair but he pulls away. What? Why the hell did he do hat? He looks so pissed off. What the hell is wrong with him? Upset, and scared out of his mind is what I expected. But pissed? This is so fucking blindsiding me. I ask him what's wrong, and he looks like he's about to lose it.

“It's all your fault,” he says and tears well up in his eyes. What the fuck? “It's your fault. You're supposed to keep Mom safe. You said you'd keep her safe!” I did say that and I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth. Before me and B went on patrol tonight Mattie was worried `cause B hasn't been slaying much since Joey was born. So when I hugged him goodbye I whispered in his ear that I'd watch her back and keep her safe. I move Addy aside and reach out for Mattie. He fights me a little but he doesn't keep it up for long. I pull him close to me and he stops fighting. I have one arm wrapped around him and one arm wrapped around Addy and they're both crying their eyes out. And all I can do is sit here and focus on fighting the physical pain. I can't think about the words he said to me because they're true. I'm not strong enough or smart enough to stop that demon and now it has Buffy. I lean back against the headboard and both of them grab onto me tighter. Like they think I'm trying to leave them or something.

“I'm so sorry,” I whisper into Mattie's ear. He either can't hear me over the very loud sobs of his sister or he's ignoring me. “I'm sorry.” I say it a little louder. “I'm so, so sorry. I'll get her back. I promise I'll get her back.” I should know better then to say stuff like that but I need to say something that'll calm him down. And I can feel my heart breaking when Addy sobs out `no you can't'. That's when I start to come undone. I try to force my tears back but this is a war I'm quickly losing. They feel hot and they're burning the back of my eyes. I feel one slither its way down my cheek and it lands in Addy's hair. The first sob that fights its way out of the back of my throat sounds strangled and alien to my ears. I've never heard anything like it before. I guess neither have my kids because they both went stock still right after it happened. I let go of Mattie so I can wipe the tears away from my eyes but they just keep coming. I'm supposed to be stronger then this. I'm their mother, I'm supposed to protect them, and comfort them, not cry in front of them.

“Come on guys, your mama needs to rest now,” Red says and I feel her tug on Addy a little bit. My baby girl willingly goes to her. I don't think she has the energy to fight. I watch Red pick her up and hold my baby against her chest. Addy instantly warps her little arms around Willow's neck and buries her face in her neck. She's still crying but it's not as bad as it was earlier. She'll probably cry herself to sleep in a few minutes. Red leaves the room with my girl clinging to her like her little life depends on it. I pull my boy closer to me and give him a kiss on his temple. I feel his grip tighten and I can't hold back the wince. He tenses up a little bit and pulls away from me. Not out of my grasp or anything, just enough so he can look at my face. His eyebrows furrow and he looks worried as he studies my battered face. He looks at my black eyes and cut lip, and bruised cheeks and the lump I have on my forehead. He pulls back even more so he look at my body. I wince again and bite back a scream when he bumps into my hurt knee. He jumps back so he's sitting about six inches away from me.

“I tried to save her,” I tell him. My voice is so raspy and hoarse from all of the screaming I've done tonight. I don't recognize it and neither does he. But I have to tell him what happened. He saw what's going to happen to Buffy if we don't find her in time. He deserves to know what happened. “I was already hurt when the demon grabbed her. He threw me against a tree before he grabbed your mom. I tried to stop him but he's so strong, Mattie. He was just too strong.” I have to stop or else I'll start crying again and I really don't want to do that now that he's looking at me. I suck in a deep calming breath and keep going, but I'll have to stop soon because my throat hurts way too bad.

“I chased after him.” I'm going to have to censor this part a little bit. I want him to know what happened but he is only nine. He doesn't need to hear everything. “When I tried to grab her away from the demon he slammed me against another tree and I couldn't get up. I had to wait for my slayer healing to work a little bit and I called out to Willow with my mind and some other slayers came and got me.” Now he looks scared. This is what I expected earlier so I'm a little prepared for it. “And Cordelia, and aunt Kennedy, and aunt Willow and grandpa Giles are all here to help find a way to get her back, ok? She's going to be fine. The big brains are on the case.” I give him a little smile but it doesn't do much. He still looks freaked.

“What about aunt Dawn? Isn't she gonna help?” Fuck. I didn't even think about her. She gets out of the hospital tomorrow. She wants to stay longer because she's afraid to face the world or some shit like that. She's going to freak out if she gets released and Buffy isn't there to take her home. Dammit! Mother fucking son of a bitch! Ok Faith, calm down, take a couple deep breaths and just relax. Fuck!!!!! I know that Buffy being at the hospital to take Dawn home doesn't seem important right now, but trust me it is. Because if Buffy isn't here on time or at all then Dawn will throw a shit fit big enough to end the world. Alright I'm calm now. I'm just trying to find something small to focus on so I don't have to think about all this big stuff. I give Mattie a goodnight kiss when Red comes to take him back to his bedroom. He wants to help find Buffy, but I tell him his job in all of this is to look out for his little sister because things are too crazy for everyone else to worry about her. That's a mean thing to say but it did the trick. Now we can focus on the real problem: how are we going to get Buffy back?

Chapter 53: Calling In The Troops (part 3)

The Same Night. BPOV

I don't know how I got here, but I feel safe. Somehow I just know that nothing here can hurt me. I slowly open my eyes but I have to shut them because of the blinding light. It takes me a couple of minutes but I finally adjust, and the light doesn't hurt anymore. From where I'm laying I can see the sky with a few white puffy clouds lazily moving across the endless blue. The sun is shining brightly warming everything its rays softly kiss. I slowly sit up and I can't help but notice that I'm in a field of white daisies. I can't help but laugh a little bit at how ridiculous this all this. It's so much like a dream, but it doesn't feel like one, it feels so real. My fingertips are even dusted with the powder from the butterfly's wing that I reached out and gently touched. It flutters away and disappears amongst the white and green.

I look down at my body when I feel that I'm not almost naked like I was just a little while ago. I'm wearing a white sundress that has spaghetti straps and the skirt ends about half an inch above my knees. I'm also wearing white flip flops and my toenails are painted a lavender color. I look at my fingernails and cringe to see that I'm sporting matching toe and fingernails. Lavender, not one of my favorite colors. I'll wear the occasional outfit that is lavender based but I'd never painted my nails this color. I watch as a light breeze gently moves the daisies around. Everything seems so calm, and peaceful, and daisy filled. Ok, I need to get up, I'm starting to get flashbacks from Alice in Wonderland when the flowers thought she was a weed.

I stand up and take a look around. There are daisies as far as the eye can see, along with a few butterflies here and there, but there's also a clearing. A clearing that has really short grass and a large pond. Behind the pond is a large oak tree that's providing a decent amount of shade to the area it covers. An area that's filled with laughter, and the sound of splashing. The sounds bring a small smile to my lips and I slowly make my way towards the clearing. I pick a couple of daisies along the way `cause why not, right? I'm here, I might as well enjoy it while I can. I don't know how this is possible, but the tingles I'm getting on the back of my neck are affirming that it is really happening. I guess they feel it too because they look over at me with big smiles on their faces.

“Mommy!” Addison screams at the top of her lungs and starts running towards me. Her hair is on either side of her head in little dog ears that are being held in place by little pink hair ties. She's wearing her light pink bathing suit and she's soaking wet from head to toe. I squat down and hold my arms out and brace myself for the impact. Her little body collides with mine and I instantly wrap my arms around her in a tight hug. We stay like this for about a minute before she pulls back. I give her a little kiss on the cheek and she smiles wide, showing off her dimples. “Me and Brother are swimming, Mommy.” I smile at her and laugh a little bit. On the inside I'm frowning a little. The fact that she just hugged me and my dress didn't get wet just reminds me that this is only a dream, and that I'll be waking up to an entirely different world.

“I see that.” I stand up and she holds onto my hand and leads me over to their little spot. There's a large red and white checkered blanket, with a large picnic basket in the middle. Matthew is still in the water, but he swims to the shore and sits down on the blanket next to me and his sister. “How long have you two been here?” I want to keep this as lighthearted as possible. This might be the last time I ever get to see them, I don't want it to be filled with tears and painful emotions. They notice the slight drop in my smile and I rush to cover it up. “You two go play, I'll be fine right here. I'll just see what's in the basket.” They both run off for the water and start playing. All at once I'm bombarded with `watch what I can do Mom!' and `Mommy watch this!' or `keep looking before you miss it!'

I just smile and nod my head and sometimes clap, depending on what the little trick is. Matthew will hunch over in the swollen end and then leap out towards the deeper part of the pond, and so far he's been able to do a spin in midair before hitting the water. It is pretty impressive. I know that he's using his slayer abilities because he does the same thing at home in the swimming pool. Addison is sticking to the shallows. I guess it doesn't matter that this is a slayer dream, she can't swim in real life so she thinks she'll drown if she tries to swim here. What she is doing, is walking out until the water is up to her armpits, then dunking her head under the water and then springing out. And I guess it's just natural instinct for me and Matthew to keep a very close eye on her to make sure she doesn't go too deep. She decides to take a little break and sits down on the grass and watches her brother swimming around the pond.

I sigh a little bit even though I try not to. I don't want to be feeling a little depressed right now. I should be happy, I'm here with my kids and they're having fun. This is how it should be. But the thought of waking up and them not being there, the thought of never seeing them again after this moment, it is a depressing one. I start to dig through the basket just to take my mind off things. There's lots of different fruits: sliced apples, oranges, strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe, watermelon, and honeydew. There's also some fried chicken, different kinds of sandwiches, some sodas, and juice boxes. It's a really nice spread, it's a shame that I'm not hungry. I look up when I hear the blanket ruffle a little and Addison is standing by the edge of it looking at me with a small smile. I close the lid to the basket and smile back at her.

“Mommy can I sit with you?” she asks and looks at me through her eyelashes. I can already tell that when she's a teenager not only is she going to be a hell raiser, but she's going to flirt to get her way at school, and pout to get her way at home. Mark my words, that will most likely happen. I tell her `of course baby' and situate myself a little differently in case she wants to sit on my lap and she frowns a little bit. “I'm not a baby.” I try not to smile and apologize. And she sits down on my lap just like I knew she would, and starts digging through the basket. She pulls out one of the juice boxes and has me unwrap the straw and stab it through the little slot in the box where it's to go. I hand it back to her and she leans against my chest, the back of her wet head is using my breastbone as a pillow, if this is a dream why does that kind of hurt? I want to pretend it isn't a dream, that we really are here at this place, and we're having a good time, and we have nothing to fear or worry about at home. But I know it's a dream because if this were real then Faith would be here with us.

“Are you having fun here, Addy?” I ask and she nods her head a little. I guess she isn't done with her juice. It's rare that I actually call my kids by the nicknames that Faith gives them. I don't know why I do that. It's not like people run around calling me Elizabeth. I call Addison angel girl sometimes, but not a lot. I just think it's a little weird that I don't have little nicknames for my kids. My mom called Dawn punkin belly for years. And I was a little hurt when Mom told me she didn't have any names for me. Will my kids be like that? I don't know. It's impossible to tell what they'll do when they're older since they're still so young. And I can't help but get a little sad because I feel like this is the last time I'm going to see them. I feel like the powers set this up so I can have one last peaceful day with my kids, so I can say goodbye. I hate that I'm getting a little depressed right now because I want this time with my kids to be a happy time and not filled with all these bad emotions.

“Matthew!” I call out and he looks over at me, and wipes some water off his face. “Come have lunch with us!” He nods his head a little and starts swimming for the shore. I move Addison off my lap and she complains a little bit, mumbles something about being comfortable and now she's not, and I can't help but smile. She's so much like Faith that it's almost a little scary. She may not look a lot like Faith, but sometimes she acts just like her. Or maybe it's Faith that acts like Addison? Sometimes when Faith is turned on and trying to get me worked up I'll tease her a little and she starts to whine, and pout just like a little kid when someone tries to take away their favorite toy. I like the idea of being Faith's favorite toy. I smile a little bit as I unpack the basket. At the bottom of it I find some plates and plastic wear and I pull those out and dish out the food for the kids. I look up at them and frown a little. They're still really wet from the swimming, and in the shade they're not going to dry off.

“Aren't there any towels so you two can dry off?” I ask and look back down at the food. I hear Addison giggling a little bit. I look up to see what's so funny and my jaw drops open a little. I shouldn't be this surprised, I mean this is a dream after all. Anyway, both of them are now dry, not a drop of water on them anywhere, and they're both wearing actual clothes instead of swim wear, and they're both smiling. I smile back a little bit and raise an eyebrow at what they're wearing. Matthew is in blue jeans, and a red t-shirt, black sneakers and the laces are untied. His hair is messy as usual because some of it wants to be straight like mine and the rest wants to be curly like Faith's. I'm just grateful that he wasn't born a girl because if he was the teenage years would be filled with nothing but complaints about how untamable her hair is.

Addison is wearing a sundress that matches mine almost perfectly. The design is the same, but the color is different. It's not white, but a light yellow. Which just happens to be her favorite color. The shoes are white strappy sandles, and her hair is down. Her little ringlets bounce around her shoulders a little and I can't help but smile at the sight. Faith is a little mad that Addison has `good hair genes' and she doesn't. I think it's hilarious that an almost middle aged woman is jealous of her three-year-old daughter. Too bad Faith isn't here so I can tease her about it, it's one of my favorite things to do. I hand them their plates and a fork and napkin and they start to eat. There's lots of talk and laughter in between bites and I'm really starting to enjoy myself. With everything that's been going on I almost forgot how relaxing it is just to spend some time with my kids. I have to get a little serious though because there are some things that I need to know.

“Are you guys doing ok?” I ask and my serious tone stops their laughter. I feel horrible being the one to take that from them. But I need to know. “I know things are bad, but how are you guys holding up?” I put my plate down when I see Addison crawling towards me. She looks so sad now and it's breaking my heart. My baby girl has a very expressive face and when she's sad it's hard not to become sad as well. Not just her expression, but she has this air about her, almost like a magnetic force that draws people to her. She likes to be the center of attention and she doesn't have to work hard to get it. Her emotions just roll off of her in waves and people are very responsive to them. Especially all of us since we can pick on her subtle body language and not just the big ones.

“I'm scared, Mommy,” she says and I wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me. Her head is resting on my chest and her arms are wrapped around me, and she's gripping so tight, like holding onto me is keeping her alive or something. “A demon hurt Mama real bad.” So Faith is alive? I feel relief wash over me. I was so sure she died back there in those woods. Now that I'm really thinking about it, she probably waited until she had enough strength to telepathically get a hold of Willow. I'm also relieved because if I don't make it out of this, if I don't get away from the demon they're going to need Faith more then they've ever needed her before. I just hope she can be strong for them. I know she's going to take my death very hard, and she's going to need a lot of help, but eventually she's going to have to put her pain aside and be there for the kids. It isn't going to be easy, but I know she can do it.

“It's ok, angel girl. Mama's tough, remember? She'll be better really soon.” I feel kind of bad saying that because I don't know how bad Faith's condition is. Can she even walk after what the demon did to her? Is she paralyzed? All I saw was the demon's claws going into her back, I don't know if he hit her spine or not. “It's ok to be scared. Everything is going to be over soon.” I gently stroke the side of her head and look into Matthew's eyes. “Your big, brave brother will protect you, won't he?” I'm asking him more then her. She thinks Matthew is like a knight in shining armor, complete with fancy sword and white hoarse. What I'm really doing is asking Matthew to watch after her because she's going to need it. He nods his head a little bit and looks down at his feet. I know exactly what he's thinking, because I'm thinking it too. Who's going to take care of him? Faith is going to be wrapped up in her own pain for a while, so who's going to take care of my boy. I smile a little when the answer slowly comes to me.

“And I'm sure scary old grandpa Chris will keep all the monsters away.” Addison laughs a little bit at that. Chris isn't scary to us at all, he's just a big ol' teddy bear once you get to know him. But to the little boy that lives a couple houses down, Brad, the one Addison spends a lot of time with, well Chris is downright terrifying. All Brad had to do was look up at him and he was afraid. It didn't help that Chris was acting a little protective of Addison and squared his shoulders and used his height against Brad. Poor boy got so scared he wet himself. Good thing he still wears diapers or that would have been a big mess all over my living room carpet.

“Brad's notta monster, Mommy. And granpa Chris's not scary. He just looks mean.” He does look kinda mean, and I have to say I do like it. He looks like the kind of guy that if you mess with him he'll beat the hell out of you, and I can breath easy leaving my kids in his care because I know he won't let anything bad happen to them. Matthew doesn't look relieved. I think he knows what I'm trying to imply but I refuse to say. He's smart enough to catch on really fast. He knows I'm trying to say that I'm not going to be around to take care of them, and they're going to have to depend on other people now. I move Addison a little to the side and grab onto Matthew's wrist and pull him to me. Both of their heads are pressed up against my chest, their arms wrapped tightly around me and our legs are tangled up together. It's a little uncomfortable but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I try to memorize as many details as I can in this short period of time. The feel of their bodies against mine, the smell of their hair, the feel of their skin, the sounds of their voices, of their breathing. There are so many details that I can't get a hold of right now. So I take what I can get because it'll have to be good enough. I don't have a lot of time. I can feel consciousness starting to pull me out of this place. It feels like an oven on the back of my neck. At first it's just a little tickle of warmth, nothing more then a tiny whisper letting me know that the inevitable is about to happen. But it starts to heat up, getting hotter and hotter until it feels scorching. I start to panic because I only have a few seconds before I'm going to wake up and all of this will be gone forever.

I push them a little away from me and cup Matthew's face with my hands. I start placing kisses all over his face, from his forehead to his cheeks and a couple on his lips. Then I do the same to Addison, and both of them are starting to cry. I guess they can feel what's happening too. Then I pull them tight against me because I don't ever want to let go. But no matter how hard I hold on, it's going to happen and that fact is killing me inside.

“I love you,” I tell them when I feel myself starting to fade. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I-” everything is suddenly gone and I'm surrounded by black nothingness as I'm ripped away from that little sanctuary. It feels like I'm being slammed against the ground and suddenly I'm awake. I don't open my eyes, but I know I'm back at the cave. I can smell the dirt I'm lying in, hear all of the sounds the demon is making as he prepares for whatever it is he's going to do next. I tighten my eyelids until it feels like my eyes have actually gone numb and I wish as hard as I can that when I open them I'll be somewhere else. I slowly flutter my eyes open and at first all I see is a series of different colored spots. But those fade away and I'm left staring at the ground and out of the corner of my eye I see the table where the demon is sitting, mixing more things in some other bowls. I can feel the low hum of the electrical wall keeping me trapped in this little prison.

My stomach feels like its on fire and even though I feel exhausted beyond all reason I start to cry. I cry because I can feel little whispers of the memories I now have. Memories of hearing my children's laughter, hearing them joke around with each other, and even argue a little bit. I can feel their little bodies pressed up against mine and it isn't fair that it isn't real. Just a haunting of what I'll never feel again. I wrap my arm around my stomach because of the burning and I keep crying. I'm sobbing so loudly I can't hear anything else. My other hand is lying palm down on the cold ground. My fingers are lightly digging at the dirt underneath them. I can feel it building underneath my fingernails but I don't care. I just want to go back to that place with all the stupid daisies, and the water hole and the big shady tree and be with my kids. But it isn't going to happen and I want to die.

It isn't fair! I was forced into that slayer dream with them, and now I'm stuck here! It was nice while it lasted but now I feel empty, and dead inside, and it hurts. You can't just dangle them in front of me like that and then rip them away. `Oh here Buffy, here's what you want more then anything right now, but you can't keep so enjoy it while it lasts `cause you're never going to see it again.' It isn't fair dammit! And it isn't fair for them either. Getting to spend that time with me, and then waking up to the hell that I know they're going through. They're just babies, they shouldn't be tortured like that. It isn't fair at all, and I don't think I want to live in a world that this cruel. As I slowly cry myself to sleep I pray that I have horrible nightmares because maybe if I have horrible nightmares waking up to this won't be seem so bad.

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