Disclaimer: BtVS characters belong to Joss Whedon. (bless him)
Feedback: Hit me (Love tap!)
Distribution: Yes, please. Lemme know?
Dedication: To Mac, for giving me an idea from her fabulous fic "Showgirls"
; and to all the wonderful people who gave me feedback after reading my
stories on AFF, and asking where they went to when they suddenly disappeared.
Because of your kind words, I decided to keep writing. So thank you, all
of you, from the bottom of my heart. xoxo.
Special Dedication: To
Lisa, my incredibly talented and patient Web-Monkey. Without you, I'm nothing.
Summary: Buffy is blinded by love. I mean, really blinded.
Listen to the Music
indle Download (click here for instructions)
There she goes again.
So why am I not surprised? Because she does this every time.
And I'm sick of it.
I watch her as she quickly puts on her clothing, stopping for a moment
to scratch herself...there.
She's so crude. I don't know what I see in her.
She bends over for a moment to pick up the silver lighter that has fallen
onto the floor.
Oh, right...that's what.
I sigh as she straightens back up, turning her gorgeous butt away from
me. She pulls on her top, bra-less, and then runs some quick fingers through
her hair. She looks at me.
"What?" she asks.
"Nothing." I answer.
Because that's how she wants it. No ties, no tears, no obligations.
Free and easy. Just like her.
No ball and chain, no leash, no noose around the neck.
So basically, no me.
I tried a few times to end it with her.
I mean, not that we had 'anything' to end, according to her, but I tried
to walk away from the situation. I always came back.
And she was always so grateful when I did.
I even left a few times just to make her get that way.
I know, I know, it's a 'womanly wile' or a 'pussy ploy' or a 'mega manipulation',
but she always seemed to pay more attention to me after I did.
So I did.
It's not very creative, withholding sex from your lover, but a woman has
got to go with what works.
And withholding sex from Faith works every time.
Like a charm.
But eventually, like after a week or two, she'd get all distant and detached
again. And again, she'd leave as soon as we were done making love.
I'm sorry. I mean 'banging'.
I really don't know what I see in her.
She slides up to me on the bed, smiling that sexy smile, and presses her
toned clothed body against mine.
Well, my naked body, that is. There's only a sheet in between us.
She kisses me softly on the lips and then smiles, raising an eyebrow.
She looks down at the sheet that's covering me and uses the crook of her
finger to pull it away.
I watch her eyelids lower as she gazes down at my breasts. She lets out
a groan and then covers me back up.
"Later, baby." she murmurs, nuzzling my neck. She moves up higher
and whispers in my ear.
"I'll make you real happy tonight."
I want to tell her no, to go fuck herself and to take that 'happy' and
shove it up her ass.
But I don't.
"Okay." I whisper, instead.
She smiles softly at me before slipping into a cocky grin.
"Love ya, B." With a peck on the lips. And then she's out the
Like I said, I'm used to this.
These 'nooner's' or 'dine and dash' afternoons, as she likes to call them.
"I feel like eatin some lunch at the 'Y', B. How about you?"
She's so romantic. I really don't know what I see in her.
And a 'freaky-deeky' in the middle of the day is one thing, but her leaving
me in the middle of the night is another.
I'll never get used to that.
When we had first started, she couldn't get enough of me.
She'd wrap herself tight around my body and hold me until I fell asleep.
And I would wake up in her arms the same way.
Fingers tangled in my hair, her leg draped possessively between mine.
It was nice. Somewhat suffocating, but nice.
I'd sometimes wish she'd give me more room to breathe, let me move around
a little, not be so close all the time...
...be careful what you wish for, ladies.
Sometimes I couldn't even get up for the bathroom without a struggle.
"No." she'd protest, holding me tighter.
"Pee." I'd explain, my fingers prying at her arms.
"You may have a urinary infection, B. You always have to piss in
And then she'd go down on me to see if she was right.
Which, of course, she knew that she wasn't.
But I really don't think that would have stopped her anyway.
Not at that time.
Afterwards she'd look up at me, grinning, and rub her nose against my
"Guess I was wrong, B. Everything checks out okay. But isn't it better
when you gotta take a leak, anyway?" It's true. A full bladder does
seem to make it more intense.
Then she would follow me into the bathroom and grope me the entire way.
On the way there, on the pot, washing my hands, and on the way back.
Once we were back in the bedroom, I was all over her.
She knows which buttons to push. She knows my hot spots. And she knew
just how to play them until I was out of my mind with desire for her.
Which doesn't take much, actually. She knew just how to exploit that fact
and take me over the edge...
I get up sighing.
Another day, another few hours alone with Faith.
Tonight she'll stay longer, maybe even doze off for a bit, while I...
...well, I will hold myself completely still trying my best not to wake
I'll stare at her, watching her every movement...watching for an indication
or some sort of sign that she's either awake or will wake up soon or how
deep she's in REM sleep.
In other words, gaging how much longer I had with her.
I have dark circles under my eyes these days.
Not very attractive...and that really doesn't help my self-confidence,
So I'm pretty much fucked all the way around.
Willow and Xander tried to tell me that she wasn't worth it. But I'd just
sigh and nod my head.
I know, I know...it's not healthy.
"Buffy, we care about you, that's all we're saying." Willow
But what she was really trying to say was that Faith didn't.
But she does. I know she does.
You can tell by the look in her eyes or the smile on her face.
"I don't know, Buffy. I don't see it."
"Neither do I." said Xander.
Well, I do.
Okay, not so much now, but she really did then.
...when she couldn't get enough of me.
I walk into the bathroom and run the water in Faith's rust-stained tub.
Yeah, that's where I am. At her place. She leaves me alone while she goes
'out and about'.
"Dang, B. Save some for later. I'm not going anywhere." she'd
say, as she'd head out the door.
Yeah, I could see that.
But the reason I don't leave when she does, is because sometimes she comes
back when I'm still here.
Okay, not so much now, but she used to.
Like last week, even...or was it the week before?
I can't remember, but she came back when I was in the bathtub and she
had decided to join me.
We had laughed and made love -I refuse to believe it was 'banging'- washing
each other's hair, shaving each other's legs, just staying in the water
until we both were wrinkled.
We had such a great time...and, yes, we were making love. I'm sure of
I'm sure of it.
Anyway, we had sex in the tub, got out and had sex again, ordered food,
ate, and then had sex again. We slept for a while, woke up and then had
sex two more times.
I know it was irresponsible of me to let the gang patrol alone, but this
kind of opportunity didn't come up that often.
Hardly ever, in fact, so when it did, I jumped all over it.
"Damn baby, is it my birthday or something?" she had asked.
"No." I remember saying, confused.
"I'm kidding, B. It's just that you're treating me extra special,
so it kinda feels like it."
I know she was referring to our earlier days. When she couldn't get enough
of me, but I could of her.
I mean, sex twice a week was enough for me, and occasionally, sometimes,
a third. It was all I could really handle at the time.
After our 'honeymoon' stage of course. I mean, everyone has a 'honeymoon'
Anyway, she was like a bottomless cup of coffee. I knew there would always
be more if I wanted some. I didn't see the need to have it constantly
or all at once.
I'm such an idiot.
The cup has gone dry and now I find myself licking the bottom for more.
"Maybe it was the challenge." offered Xander.
"Or maybe it was the newness." said Willow.
I complain to them all the time. Something my two best friends had to
make some serious adjustments to.
Not only was I involved sexually with a woman, but I told them all about
Xander has no problem with it, heck, he lives for it, but Willow...well,
we all know Willow.
She was surprised by my complete and utter frankness about it all.
"Umm...Buffy, we get that you're into her, but...umm...do you have
to DESCRIBE exactly how much?"
"Oh, hell yeah." said Xander, grinning. Then he got a serious
look on his face.
"Uh, I mean, the better to help her with, Willow. Color me Dr. Ruth."
And lately I've been seeing a lot more of Xander than I'm used to.
He always has a hard-on.
But since I was basically exposing myself to him, I figured I shouldn't
At least he keeps it zipped up and doesn't expose himself to me.
And Willow, god bless her, tried to be of assistance and even went so
far as to purchase 'The Joy of Lesbian Sex'. She had her nose buried in
it, trying to figure out the attraction, and Xander couldn't help but
comment on it.
"See, Will? You're getting the hang of it. Look where your nose is..."
And she had blushed profusely, burying her nose even deeper in it.
She would dog-ear the pages of curiousity to her and leave it for me to
She was wondering if we had done those things. And the answer would always
Yes, and then some. I mean, come on, Faith wrote that book.
And I've contributed a few chapters of my own.
You have to, if you want to keep Faith interested.
Which apparently, I'm not. Well, I am, but she isn't.
I settle back into the tub and let the water caress my skin. It's warm
and inviting, daring me to stay until she returns.
Which I have no plans of doing, by the way. I just need to clean up before
Oh, get off it, Buffy.
You're hoping she'll return. Like last week...or was it the week before?
I try to quiet my mind and let the bubblebath take me away...to a nicer
time when I had the upper hand and she was the one who had waited for
Her surprised look is still etched in my memory. We had just returned
from slaying, and yes...I was horny. She had been at me for weeks, months
even, and I finally gave in.
I'm still trying to figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Anyway, she had lured me over with food and a movie.
"To help you wind down a bit, B." she explained.
When I agreed, her jaw almost hit the floor.
She hadn't expected me to say yes, of course. I never had before.
And then she practically ran us back to her motel, parking me on her bed
while she straightened up quickly and then left to grab us some food and
"Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back!" she had said in a rush,
as she ran out the door.
So I hung out and kept myself occupied by looking around.
She didn't have much, by means of material things, but what she had was
A closet full of leather goods...and not just clothing. There were other
things...I'll leave that to your imagination. A big stack of comic books
on top of a bigger stack of nudie magazines. Knives, brass knuckles, even
a small axe or two. Taken from our weapons arsenal, I'm sure.
Lipstick, dark eyeliner, some cologne. Nothing fancy, but definitely all
I lifted the bottle to my nose and recognized the fragrance right away.
And I got wet.
I told you I was horny. And after her constant sexual harrassment, how
did you expect my body to react?
But her most prized possessions were kept in a drawer by the bed.
You know what I mean.
I gasped when I saw them. And then I got hot. My face was burning and
I looked around the room to see if the heater was on. But it wasn't. It
was just me.
I knew she'd probably have the tools of the trade, but I had no idea how
many tools she'd have.
I mean, there were a ton of tools.
Most rather interesting, some not so much.
And some kinda frightening. To me, anyway. Especially since I had no idea
how or what they were used for.
But I do now, and I can honestly say they don't frighten me anymore. No,
not at all.
But it did then, so I closed the drawer and sat back on the bed.
Hmm, I thought. Was I really ready for this? This complete lifestyle change
and all the accoutrements that came with it?
Well, maybe not the accoutrements just yet, but I was definitely ready
And then I found myself getting even wetter.
A little while later she came back with some food and some movies. Different
genres; romantic comedy, horror, action, and some sexy stuff.
I looked over the titles and then looked up at her.
"What, B? Don't want to limit yourself on choices, do you?"
She handed me the food -which was pizza, by the way- and then went into
the bathroom and started running the water in the tub.
"You look kinda tense, there, B. Just thought a nice hot bath would
relax your weary bones."
"Oh. Well, that's thoughtful of you. What about yourself?"
She smiled slowly.
"Oh, I'm thoughtful, alright. I've been thinking about it all week."
I looked blankly at her. "Go relax in the tub, B. I'll put in a movie
and keep the food hot for you."
How? By putting it between her legs? Or mine? But that wouldn't actually
work, since I'd be submerged in water. Unless we were having soup.
Yeah, my mind really works like that. My babbling starts from somewhere,
So I got up and took a bath. I closed the door, cus I didn't want to make
it dreadfully obvious as to why I was there. I mean, me being there alone
should have told her.
No need to make a scene about it.
So I was soaking in the tub, water to my neck, when she knocks on the
"Yes?" I responded, heart racing.
"Uh, sorry, B, but I gotta take a leak...do you mind?"
Do I mind?
"No, go ahead." I decided I didn't.
She let herself in, avoiding eye contact. But she snuck peeks at me from
the corner of her eye. So I bathed myself in front of her while she was
sitting on the toilet.
Not that she really had to go or anything. I heard nothing, she just sat
there, peeking at me.
"You have any bubblebath, Faith?"
"Uh, yeah, B. In fact, I do." she smiled. I wasn't expecting
that answer. Faith and bubblebath?
She got up from the pot and pulled up her pants. I watched her open a
cabinet and pull out a small glass bottle.
"You don't strike me as a bubblebath kind of girl." I told her,
"Oh, not so much me, personally. But some girls seem to appreciate
"Uh, okay. Well, this girl appreciates it, too."
"Good." She walked over to the tub and unplugged the drain,
she looked me in the eye as the water started to creep lower. Not that
it mattered. The water was clear and she could see all of me anyway.
When the level lowered around my breast area, she raised an eyebrow and
"Oops. Sorry, there, B. Looks like the twins are reacting to the
My nipples went perky from the sudden cool air. I sank myself lower in
the tub, submerging my perkiness, unwittingly making my knees spread open.
Realizing this, I closed them quickly.
But not quick enough.
"Well, hello..." Faith said, looking down at it.
You know where.
"Faith, bubblebath, please. This isn't a peep show!" I snapped.
"Oh? Well, too late." Then she ran more water in the bath, adding
the contents from the bottle.
Bubbles began to form and a subtle fragrance filled the small room.
"That's nice, Faith. What is it?" It really was. It smelled
"No clue, B....it's...uh...just something I got more of after someone
left a bottle here." she said, with a very small smile, avoiding
Faith was having sex with someone who knew the difference between a box
of Mr. Bubbles and a bottle of this?
In Sunnydale? Sorry, I don't mean to belittle this place, but really.
And certainly not someone I figured she'd run into.
Unless it was Cordelia.
Oh fuck, Cordelia!
"Have you seen Cordy around lately? We've been seeing less and less
of her these days." I asked, casually.
She smiled bigger that time.
"Hmm, really? Maybe she's been showing more and more of herself to
someone else these nights."
I looked at the bottle in Faith's hand.
French. From that boutique next to April Fool's. I remember, cuz I almost
bought a bottle for myself. I was shopping for Willow's birthday that
week, and carried it around in my hand as I walked around the shop. I
finally put it back when I couldn't justify the expense for something
so completely self-indulgent.
Plus I was shopping for Willow's birthday, not myself...besides, the bottle
was just dinky.
But Cordelia is nothing if not self-indulgent.
Not long after that, I discovered Faith and Cordelia were having a thing.
I never really caught them, but I was right all the same.
I wanted her already, but then I wanted her even more.
"Do you take bubblebaths?" I asked Faith, coyly, with a small
gleam in my eye.
"Is that an invitation?" she asked, boldly, with a huge gleam
in her eye.
"Just answer the question, Faith."
"Just answer the question, Buffy."
"It's your tub."
"Damn straight." And she proceeded to peel off her clothing,
looking at me.
I sank lower in the tub as I watched her...that's when I first fell in
love with her ass.
It was pretty snug once she got in. Our legs became entangled and our
toes would brush each other's pussies when we moved around to get more
Finally, I let my toes creep between her legs on purpose.
"Uh...you know where your toes are, right?" she asked, eyes
closed, her head resting against the shower wall.
"Okay, just checking."
I watched her facial expression change as I ran my foot up her snatch.
Her eyes were closed and her jaw was clenched. I could see the little
muscle tic where her dimple would usually be.
I saw sweat begin to bead and collect on her forehead.
"You okay, Faith?"
"Yeah, B...s'just fuckin hot in here."
"Let out some water...put in some cold."
"Don't think that's the problem, B."
"Your toes up my twat."
I pulled my foot back quickly with that vulgar word, but she snapped her
eyes open and grabbed my ankle.
"Where ya goin?"
"To more civilized waters." I replied, making an 'ugh' face.
"Oh. All the way over there?" she teased, as I pulled my knees
up to get away from her. Well, knee, cus she still had my ankle in her
"Yes, 'across the pond'." I answered, firmly.
"What about the 'great divide'?" she asked, running her foot
along my snatch.
"Well, it is great, but it's not BIG." I scolded her.
"I'm sure it's not. But forgive me, B, I must have missed that history
Maybe, but her sense of geography was still pretty good.
She found my clit with very little exploring.
"Hey, wanna play Williams & Sonoma?"
"That's Lewis & Clark, fruitloop."
After a few more moments of toe exploration she said
"Done exploring, now. I found what I'm lookin for." And she
pulled my ankle up, pulling me along with it.
I sputtered when my head went under.
She put her hands under my arm pits and laughed as she pulled me up.
"Oops, sorry, B. Consider yourself baptised."
But what we did next only ensured my place in hell. Baptism or no baptism.
If you believed in that sort of thing.
Oh well...hell was good. Heaven could wait.
She pulled me onto her lap and pressed my body into hers. I wrapped my
legs on both sides of her hips and let my head drop back as she nuzzled
my neck. She began licking and biting softly at my sensitive skin.
She worked her teeth and tongue to my jaw and then stopped when she reached
my lips. I moved my head back up and found myself staring into warm, smoky
"I'm about to kiss you, you know." she whispered.
"I know." I murmured back.
"As long as you know." And then she put her mouth on mine and
Her lips were soft and firm, her tongue was amazing. My first real kiss
with a woman and it was delicious and hot...steamy, even, but I could
tell she was holding something back.
Something in her body told me she was restraining herself, 'curbing her
enthusiasm' if you will.
But I wasn't having it.
I straightened my spine and bore down on her, raising myself higher at
the same time. I held her face in my hands and lifted her head up, pushing
her gently against the wall while I kissed her assertively, aggressively...hungrily.
She groaned under the onslaught of my mouth. She began to respond in kind,
her tongue becoming bolder, more forceful. After minutes of this, I felt
light-headed. I could barely breathe.
I pulled away, gasping.
"I don't think so, Buffy. You're not gonna crank me up just to wind
And she put her hand to my head and pulled me to her again.
The trick -I figured out much later- was to let out a small whimper.
Because a whimper seems to enflame her senses. She'll pull back with a
groan and bury her face in my neck...or breasts. Whichever is closer at
In this case it was my breasts.
She released my lips and I straightened back up. She pulled me closer,
tighter, smashing her open mouth to my breast.
Faith's mouth is like a greenhouse. It's hot and moist and I found my
nipple growing hard and stiff in there. She teased it with her tongue
and then skillfully sucked on it.
I let out a groan of my own.
She sucked harder, nipping it with her teeth before moving to the other.
I held onto her head.
Suddenly, with swiftness and strength, she raised herself from the tub,
one hand on my ass and the other gripping my leg behind her. Her mouth
never let go of its prize.
Soaking wet, she took us from the hot tub and placed us on her cool sheets.
She let go of my nipple and positioned her head above mine.
"You sure you want this?" she asked, eyes watchful and intent.
I raised my head and kissed her my reply.
I've never been so sure of anything in my life...
I'm sorry, I need to regroup for a moment.
Faith looking at me so deeply, so intently, listening to my breathing
patterns, kissing me, stroking me...loving me...
Making me feel like I was the only person on the planet that mattered
I can't sit here and do this.
I let myself out of the tub, leaving the plug in the drain. I don't care.
Let her see that I waited for her. She doesn't know for how long or how
often I've done it. I have no pride left, so really, who cares?
I dry myself with her blue embroidered 'Faith' towel. She uses my pink
She had given them to me for my birthday.
But she had appeared a little hesitant after she saw all the thoughtful
and personal gifts everyone else had gotten me, and was extremely reluctant
to have me open the package once we got back to her motel.
And no one knew about us then. I was still a little paranoid at the time.
I guess she thought everyone knew, cus she acted a little surprised when
I put hers aside and whispered that I would open it later.
Willow had looked at me curiously...Giles looked away and mom had coughed
into her hand.
And Xander just grabbed the box and started shaking it.
"Hmm. Seems kinda light for handcuffs and chains." he said,
grinning, putting his ear close to it.
Exactly what I wanted to avoid.
I mean, with Faith, you never knew what you might be getting. No one needed
to know about the change in our relationship. It was none of their business.
She just looked at me and shrugged. She understood, she didn't mind.
I sigh and head back into the room to gather my clothes. My eyes are drawn
toward the ashtray by the bed. Well, not so much the ashtray, but what's
next to it.
To a small round metal box with a skull and daggers etching on the cover.
It's her stash box. No, not for pot, but for little personal things. Like
some of her rings, my barrettes, and some other woman's earring.
Just one. Its mate is missing.
I open the lid and take the evidence out.
Proof she's been cheating. I try to recall where I've seen it before.
I've already gone through an inventory of possible girls a hundred times
in my mind. But I do it again.
This time I even throw my mom and Willow into the mix.
It's like that groovy Abba song. 'Lay all Your Love on me.'
"I wasn't jealous before we met, now every woman I see is a potential
I'm a little ashamed for thinking that way, about mom and Willow, I mean.
But all other females were suspect. Especially Cordelia.
While Cordy practically shuns the rest of us, she is annoyingly attentive
"Her bullshit is less offensive than yours." Cordy had explained
one day, dismissing us with a smirk.
"What can I say?" Faith grinned, taking Cordy's arm.
"Stop it, you 'tard." Cordy laughed, fending off Faith's tickling
fingers as they left through the library doors.
Where they went, I don't know. But by the looks of the one earring, I
suspect it was here.
Here, in this bed, in these sheets...in OUR bed and OUR sheets.
I finger the earring, looking at it.
A small emerald in a platinum setting. Cordy is a diamond girl, but you
never know. Frustrated, I put it back. My eyes scan the rest of her room.
Messy, but not as bad as before we got together. Which only makes me sadder
when my eyes rest on her Sony Walkman.
That song that brought it all together for me.
I walk over to the bureau and slip the head phones on. I hit Play.
Use me when you want to come
I've bled just to have your touch
When I'm in you I wanna die
fucking dopestar obscene
Will you die when you're high
You'd never die just for me
"I'm not in love, but I'm gonna fuck you
'til somebody better comes along."
Use me like I was a whore
Relationships are such a bore
Deleted the ones that you've fucked
fucking dopestar obscene
Will you die when you're high
You'd never die just for me
"I'm not in love, but I'm gonna fuck you
'til somebody better comes along."
And the glutton for punishment that I am, I listen to it again.
User Friendly. Marilyn Manson.
She's just using me. Using me til someone better comes along.
Has she found them yet or is she still looking? She must still be looking,
trying on other girls to see how they fit, because she's still having
sex with me.
But it's less and less now. And if I know one thing, it's not because
Faith is any less interested in sex, it's because she's less interested
in having it with me.
I take the headphones off. I walk to her closet.
Actually, the jacket is missing, so that's the kind of proof that I mean.
Her weather-worn brown leather jacket. The one I am constantly borrowing
and returning. Always steeped in my perfume, making the rest of her closet
smell like Faith and Buffy.
A nice combination at one time. She thought so, too. But now it's been
missing for two weeks and when I ask her about it, she's always vague
and shifty eyed.
She gets that way when she's lying.
"Uh, I dunno, B. You sure you returned it to me? I think you had
"I'm sure, Faith."
"Oh...well, I don't know then. Maybe you should check out your closet
Oh, trust me, I did. In fact...
"Buffy, are you finally donating some things to Goodwill?" Mom
had asked, looking at all the clothing on the floor. I was kneeling on
the ground, my head buried in the closet, throwing things behind me...looking
for the fifth time in two weeks.
...and that was just this morning.
"Uh, no, mom. Just lost something. But thanks for reminding me."
"Oh? Well, what is it? Maybe I can help you look or maybe I've seen
"Oops. Never mind, found it." I said, holding up a naked Barbie
She looked at me strangely and then murmured something about cleaning
up the mess and then let herself out of the room.
So believe me, I've looked.
In fact, I've looked and found evidence of her unfaithfulness everywhere.
Or should I say 'Faith'fulness...she's a fucking cheat and so full of
I caught her red-handed in a lie.