Chapter 9

POV Faith

Sunnydale is starting to feel a damn site more sunny these last few days. It’s amazing what a friend can do. Having Cordy here has levelled me, I don’t feel so ready to slip over the edge anymore. I feel stable. I feel like I can do what I set out to do and nothing else matters. I can go home, this can be over.

I laid it all out for her, she gave me no choice, she pestered on and on until I was ready to give up the secrets I had already let fester since being back here. The way that Buffy was making me feel, the intensity of being so close to her again, the intensity of being so far away from her. It’s all there. All the time. She listened, and she spoke and she gave me back some reason.

There’s a reason that it’s never worked out, she said. Didn’t dismiss it and say it never would, but forced me to accept that I couldn’t set a pace on it… whatever I do doesn’t matter. I can’t make her feel something if she isn’t ready to feel.

My own words to Dawn given straight back to me.

I had to listen. And it does feel better. Remembering that my life doesn’t revolve around B. That I can be happy without her. These were all things I had been allowing myself to forget. She was making me remember.

Today’s all about the fun times. It’s about me and Cordy meeting Dawn and Tara for coffee. Excellent right? My three favourite people at the moment and a nice dash of caffeine. I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon. Red is a studying no show and B wasn’t invited. I think she has work anyway.

I spot them first but I guess it’s cos I’m looking. Crossing the road without a worry between them. I wonder if they know how care free they look, how happy? It makes me greet them with a smile and even hugs. Arms for Tara and then arms for Dawn. We make easy speak, hello’s and how are you’s. I stand back and reintroduce Cordy… to Dawn as a memory, and to Tara for the first time.

I see Tara run eyes over her, see the little glint, know that she sees what I see. A damn fine chick and no doubt about it. There’s no sign of shyness as she reaches out her hand.

“Hi, I’m Tara. It’s really good to meet you. Willow’s told me lots about you.”

“Really? I bet that’s all good then, hopefully I can change your mind over coffee?”

I laughed, she grinned, Dawn sought out the attention. “Cordy… remember me?”

She stood there tall and proud and I could see the way she was hoping that she would be found favourable. Now Cordy can be may things, the biggest bitch outside of Juvie… but she has a whole lot of qualities she doesn’t get credit for. Fucking nice is one of them. She’s it, and she worked it on Dawn right then. Went up to her and walked around her, exclaiming the whole damn time.

“No way… it can’t be… Faith, you never told me she was THIS beautiful…” She made a show of primping at her hair, holding out her arms. “…seriously, you’re little Dawn Summers, sister of Buffy?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well… I can certainly see where all the looks got going to! Slay girl may have got the strength, but girl you got the beauty!”

Man, she was blushing. All teenage embarrassment at the compliments being fed her way. It was great. Full marks to my hero of the hour. “She does have a little something, don’t she Cor?”

She nodded her assent. “Damn right she does.” She stepped back and looked again, her brow slightly furrowing. I knew the look, the ‘I have a plan’ look. “There’s something not quite right though… it’s the clothes, they’re so… Buffy!”

Hmmm. I could see Dawn’s look of horror, I stifled a laugh. “Don’t worry Dawn, she’s messing… you look great!”

Tara waded in and added her own support, but there was no deflecting Cordy. “No! Please Faith… you may know bad ass, but I KNOW fashion… and this kid is dying here.” She opened her purse and pulled out her wallet, rummaged around until she came up with the goods. “This is what we need!”

I peered closer, saw the company credit card. “Soul dude know you got that?”

“Angel is aware, he understands a girls needs…”

“I bet…”

“Faith!” She left it there, handed the card to Dawn. “What do you say? Me and you and a little retail therapy?”

Her eyes fucking lit up so damn much! Makes me wish I had thought of it. She turned to Tara. “Can I… please?”

“I don’t know… Buffy didn’t say anything…”

“Oh come on Tar, Cordy’s cool… not an evil bone in her body, she’ll look after her. I promise.”

I could see her thinking, looking at Cordy considering the option. Dawn was still pleading with the eyes and I guess it was a foregone deal. “Okay, but not for too long, and not too much… no advantage taking of nice friends and their plastic.”

“Thank you!” She gripped her arms around Tara’s neck and proceeded to down the rest of her coffee. Had to still be hot, made me think that shopping wasn’t a trip often ventured on.

Cordy caught up quick and soon they were ready to go. I felt a little nervous letting them out of my sight, I trusted Cordy but I didn’t trust Sunnydale. “Be careful guys. And not too long…”

“Save it Faith, us girls are all grown up, we can look after ourselves…” She grabbed Dawn’s hand and turned to leave. “…enjoy your coffee!”

Right. Me and Tara alone for coffee. Bet ya can guess where my mind wouldn’t stop straying. The words. Her words. Over and over again and again. I had teased myself with them, letting them slip around in my head, taunting me with the possibilities of what they could mean. And now I had the chance to ask. I was scared shitless.

When I had told Cordy the words she had said she just looked at me dumbstruck. Moaned about the cryptic bullshit that this town was full of and moved onto other things. Trying to distract me from my constant conundrum. Now Tara just looks at me considering. It’s like she sees inside me sometimes… like she’s really looking.

“You want to ask, don’t you?”

You see? Stuff like that? Stuff that says she knows what I’m thinking. It’s kind of scary.

“Am I really that obvious?”

“Not really… I just look. Don’t worry though, there’s a ‘no looking’ epidemic going on just now, no one else is seeing anything.”

“There’s a relief.” I think. Maybe it would be better with cards laid out on tables. No more hiding behind misinterpretations. “I don’t get it though, I don’t get what you mean…”

“Are you sure about that?”

No. Of course I think I know what she means. Can I speak it though, can I allow it to mean that? “Look Tara, if you know something you think I need to know, then yeah… tell me. But I dunno, if this is some kind of cryptic quest you’re offering? I’m out…” I shrug my shoulders. “…I can’t play these games anymore.”

The slightly offended look is maybe not good. I try again. “I didn’t mean nothing by that ok… me and Buffy, you gotta understand it’s not easy…” What are the right words? “…just… can you tell me what you meant?”

She takes her time before answering. “The charge Faith… I don’t know how to describe it…” She sits back and looks at me, tries to elaborate. “…there’s just this incredible tenseness whenever you’re in the same room… I feel it, it cloaks me…”

“Hey, nothing new there girlfriend. Me and B always worked the tension.”

She peers at me with those all seeing eyes. “Always Faith?”

I think, I remember, I confirm. “Yeah. Always.”

She picks up her cup and swirls it’s contents, her focus for a minute lost in what ever she’s seeing there. “All that tension… did you ever…” She looks back up and I see her blush. “…act on it?”

Huh?

“Well she knifed me in the guts, I stole her body… is that what you mean?”

“No… did you ever…?”

The silence stretches out and I know just what she means. “You wanna know if we ever… did it?”

Now she really blushes. It’s really damn cute. “Yeah… did you, with her?”

“Not even close.”

I can remember all the times it felt close. All those hot sweaty training sessions when the only thing protecting her from the heat of my desire was the fact that we were wearing clothes. I’d pin her ass to the mats, cover her completely as much as possible head to toe. Skin on skin. Heavy breathing, body pleading. It’s how I liked to play with her, and sometimes she played the same. Sometimes I’d seen that look when she put my ass down, when it was her sliding over me, holding me down as eyes met eyes, letting me know I was beat.

I hear Tara speaking again and try to regain focus. Slow my heart.

“…it would have made sense.”

“Huh?”

“You’re not listening?”

“No, I am… sorry, quick mind melt, it’s done now.” I smile for good measure, lean forwards on my hands and give her my full attention.

“I said it would have made sense if you had.., I thought maybe that’s why, with the aggro?”

“Nope, me killing things caused the aggro… before that it was cool…” I think for a moment. “…well, kind of cool. There was always some aggro, even from the beginning. Maybe there’s something about me that she’s just never liked?”

Her eyes are all mysterious, smiling at me. Like she knows all the things that I don’t. I want to know. “What? You can’t sit there all cat got the canary and not share!”

“Well, did you ever consider that maybe there was aggro because she had seen something that she DID like?”

Erm… no!

“You’re way off base there Tar, that girl’s got stick shoved so far up her ass it’s the only thing she’s ever thought about driving!”

Damn she’s blushing again.

“And… uh… what about you?”

I laugh, she colours some more. “You interested in checking out the goodies?” I raise my eyebrows in all the ways that let her know that these goodies are worth checking out. She starts to stammer something and I figure I’ll save her. “Cool it girl, I’m just messing.”

“Right… messing.”

“And yeah… I’ll drive whatever I fancy at the time, if it feels good, I do it.” And I do. I don’t need labels telling me what I can or can’t, should or shouldn’t. There’s only one person that makes the decision on where this body goes, and that’s me. End of.

“So… did you want to?”

“What? With B?” She nods her confirmation and I speak mine. “Damn right I did, wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t wanna get down and dirty with her… wasn’t an option though. She had Angel… I had a few. After a while I got used to the tension…”

I remember stoking it. I remember inviting her for dances that pushed it to the edge. Fingers finding skin, caressing flesh… whispering into her ear how hot she made me, did she feel it? Her laughter, my laughter… but always something there. Something that made me keep asking, made her keep accepting. All until that night. Our last dance.

“Faith?”

I wonder what would have happened if we’d been allowed to dance again. If that wasn’t the last, if there had been more?

“Hey..? You uh… melting your mind again?”

“Something like that.” I don’t mean to sigh, really I don’t. This is the same old shit that I don’t like to think about. Too many what ifs to ever make sense of.

“It must be hard… being here again?” I just look at her. There aren’t the words to tell her. I hope my eyes have got it down. She sits and she stares and it does feel like she’s slipping inside of me, really seeing everything I am, searching for all the answers I never found. When she speaks she doesn’t question, she tells me. Something I already knew. “You love her.”

“I…”

I what? I’m a stupid fuck up? Got that right. “…it’s not that easy Tara, I can’t say that… I can’t even know if I mean it, how could I know? The things we’ve done… I don’t know. There’s something… sure there’s something…”

She smiles at me with sympathy and for the first time ever I don’t wanna wipe that look from a face. I accept it. It feels like the right thing to do. She hops up for more coffee, I sit back and wonder what other revelations she might have. How is it that one so unassuming can know so much?

I watch her blowing the steam from the cup, her fingers as they slowly stir her spoon. I’m willing her to talk, to say more. Eventually the silence gets me, I’m the one who’s breaking it. “So… you think she still feels something then?” Smooth. Really fucking smooth.

“There’s not a question Faith. Willow sees it… anyone who looked could see it.” There’s more to say but she looks uncomfortable forming the words, maybe as if she doesn’t want to betray Buffy. I urge her on, I want to know.

“Tell me Tara. Please?”

“I don’t know… I don’t want to say something and then… I don’t want to give you false hope.”

“Hey, I’m flying on no hopes right now, you know a way to brighten my day I’m opting for hearing it.”

She still takes her time. More then a minute rushing by unfilled. “Look… with Buffy, there’s some stuff… some things she’s been…” She stops again. I can’t even guess what the fuck she is talking about. It’s the return of cryptic nonsense.

“Been what?”

“Things she’s been doing… things she shouldn’t be doing, things which are hurting her…”

What was she saying? B had turned into a speed freak or something, upping the stakes with a little light stimulation? I guess it would explain some of the erratic behaviour… staying out all the time, non responsive to friends and family. I’d seen drugs before, first hand knowledge of the stuff… never would’ve thought Buffy though.

I didn’t know what to say. “Uh… drugs? B’s getting naughty with the drugs?”

“No!… no drugs.” She laughed a little to herself, kinda joyless, not a fun sound. “Maybe drugs would be better, at least we could stick her in rehab.”

Not drugs. So what?

“So what’s the what? She isn’t dabbling there, so what is she up to?”

She just shook her head. Gave me sad eyes. “I can’t say what… just that she is.” I sigh in frustration, it’s just all bullshit. Again. “I’m sorry Faith, I promised.”

“Whatever.”

This was all starting to sound pointless. Less answers, more questions.

“I shouldn’t have said anything, I just… I thought maybe, I thought…”

“What? That you could confuse the fuck out of me even more?”

“No… that you could make her better.”

Don’t fucking look at me like that Tara! No way! I can’t make her better. I tell her, tell her to stop.

“Back up there…” I hold up my hand, shush her. Lean in close and give her the same intensity that B makes me feel. “…do you know what she said to me? At the Bronze the other night, what she said that made me hightail it so soon… made me all sorts of fucked up?”

She shakes her head, is staring at me waiting for me to tell her. It hurts to form the words. To say it out loud again. “She said I was nothing to her, that she didn’t hate me anymore… didn’t feel anything anymore. She can’t be bothered…” She looks pretty confused. Her head still turning side to side. “…so tell me Tara, tell me what the fuck you think she’s feeling too!?”

I didn’t mean to shout it, didn’t mean to let the volume increase. But damn it! She’s shrunk herself back from me, makes me feel like a shit. “Hey… I’m sorry, I just…”

“It’s ok Faith, the tension… I get it.”

“Yeah… try living with it.”

She takes a moment, speaks her thoughts. “Remember though Faith, Buffy says some really dumb things sometimes, maybe this is that. Maybe you should see it as a positive… if she isn’t hating that’s a bonus.”

Doesn’t feel like one, it feels like nothing.

I think my shoulders convey my feelings, she starts pep squadding me, building me up. Probably for a fall. “She can say what she wants Faith, but we saw it. Me AND Will… when she’s with you… it’s, it’s like she’s alive again… like she’s feeling again. Whatever she said to you… it’s not true. You’re the first thing she’s felt in months.”

Uh. What?

“Huh?”

“You heard me Faith. I’m not saying it’s what you want, it just is… she feels something too.”

I don’t wanna, but I do. I smile a fucking hundred watt smile, ear to ear, face aglow. It only lasts a second, but still… for that second it felt fucking sublime. I KNEW she still felt me. I KNEW IT!!

Didn’t put me in any better position I know, but it felt good. To hear it. It felt the best.

I was tempted to jump up and hug her, to wrap my arms around her and crush her to me slayer style. I didn’t though. Her eyes are detracting from what I’m feeling and it halts me, stops me fast in my tracks. “What Tara… why the doom and gloom?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“You what?” Was that the quickest turn around ever? “Hey, it’s no big… I’m just pleased she isn’t zombie-ing out on me, feeling anything is better then nothing…”

“Maybe… just don’t forget, she’s… not quite, she’s doing some things…”

“Oh god, stop with the cryptic already! Tell me or don’t… but not the cryptic.” I shake my head at her. “Look, whatever B’s doing doesn’t matter… she starts looking after the kid and sorting her shit out, it’s not my business what she does.”

“I know, I’m just worried.”

“Well stop, we all do dumb shit, me more then most… whatever it is, I’m sure it won’t last. Ok?”

She doesn’t look so sure but she agrees anyway. “Yeah, maybe she just needs time.”

Our heart to heart is cut short by the return of Cordy and her brand new clone! Oh wow… B is gonna freak like fuck. Dawn has her hair cut sharp to the shoulders, make up… and my god! A girl that tall does not need heels!

“Guys, what do you think?”

Cordy directs her in a little spin, encourages her to really show off. I say the only thing I can, I can’t lie.

“Fucking beautiful Dawn, absolutely stunning.” And she is. Once you get past the shock it’s like a whole new person. With confidence. She’s basking in it and it’s fucking fantastic. I wanna kiss Cordy, I wanna kiss Dawn. Hell… I pretty much wanna kiss everyone.

“Err… Dawnie?”

She stops spinning and instead slowly turns, drops her head and finds the floor, waits for the recriminations. “Sweetie… you know Buffy is going to go mad, you’ve maybe pushed the boat out a little far…” Her voce has a smile, it makes Dawn look up again. “…but you look beautiful, like Faith said, absolutely stunning.”

Oh god. They’re arms and legs and hugs and kisses before I can move. I don’t know who’s lips were on mine but they were and the arms and the hugging and the no air…

“Guys, hey… GUYS!”

I break them apart, breathe deep. They stand there looking stupid, even Cordy grinning like someone who isn’t all about the image. “So I for one vote to not be there when Buffy sees… who’s with me?”

And ya know Dawn raises her hand first! “I vote Tara tells her, I wanna hang with Cordy more anyway.”

“Nah-uh. You done the crime, you take the time.”

“Spoilsport.” She sticks out her tongue and I laugh right along with her. She’s a fucking giant in those shoes. Buffy’s gonna get a stiff neck if she shouts up at her too long.

We finish another round of coffees before we head out. Tara and Dawn to face the ogre that is Buffy. Me and Cordy to go shoot some pool. I’ve got patrol later. My own bright idea. I told the gang I would do the late ones, let B get home to be with the kid. It suits me. I need to work some shit out and I guess there’s no better way then with the killing of dead things.

Round and around in circles. That’s me tonight. Head thrown in every direction except the one that will take it to any kind of destination. I’ve considered everything. Words said to me, words said about me, words I’ve said myself. I still don’t know though. Don’t have a clue what the fuck she is feeling.

Still not a hundred percent sure that she is even feeling anything.

I hear a snap to my right and immediately I’m the slayer. Gone all thoughts of Buffy, here all thoughts of the now. Me the hunter, it the prey. I don’t sneak and peek, I stand up tall, let the fucker know that I’m coming to get it.

He drops in front of me from god knows where, game face in place, snarling fangs and deadhead breath. I don’t know what’s worse? The smell or the visuals. I reach into my pocket and snag some mints, throw them at the thing and watch amused as he lifts he head to catch them. Dumbass.

I take the opportunity to spin in a kick, to slide my foot through his stomach, double him over, make him prone. My stake is in my hand without thinking, arming me with the power to make it go away, thrusting upwards and forwards, catching the mints through a cloud of blowing dust. Too easy. Not enough distraction.

It’s all too easy. I make my way through another cemetery, then another, nothing followed by nothing, followed by thoughts rushing, memories flooding. She’s all around me here. Every slay, everyday that we were together is in these cemeteries, half smiles and full smiles, threats and promises. It all starts here.

Without even realising it I’m closing in on Spike’s crypt, feet following feet to take me ever closer. I stop a way off. Just looking. Not sure why. Can’t think why. But it’s right that I’m here, I know it is.

I know that there’s distraction here. Know that there’s something so fucking nasty here, that I could feel good for a week if I just had the balls to go wipe it out. I don’t though. This isn’t my town, not my call. I can’t go busting the wildlife just cos I’m not a fan. I almost wish the chip would malfunction… give me a reason, something to kill for.

I stand for a while wondering what’s got me so contemplative, so antsy. So itchy. It’s just another dead thing, nothing different. Just another vamp. I sigh out my sadness and turn to leave. Walk away from something that I don’t understand. Just another slayer urge, right? The feeling of where the danger is.

I head out round the back of the cemetery, frighten a stupid couple that wanna make out on a gravestone. Sick fucks. If it wasn’t the wrong thing to do I might have left them there to learn a lesson. But no. I’m good now. It’s all the action left. The night’s a wipe out, nothing of any interest.

A noise up ahead gets my spirits rising again though. The solid tread of feet on the ground, definitely something wandering through the graveyard. That means business for me, deadness for them.

“Come out come out wherever you are..?”

Yeah I’m gonna play it. Maybe I’ll get lucky, maybe it’ll be Spike. I can say it was an accident, we were playing catch the stake… and he caught it. In the chest. Or not.

I don’t get a reply, which doesn’t faze me, I don’t really come here looking for conversation. I concentrate everything I am on my surroundings, try and get a position on the prowler. I creep through the bushes to my left, something making me be stealthy when normally I’d not care. I move back into the open and they’re on me in a second. I swing my arm, I connect, I’m free. I look down and wonder what the fuck?

“B..?”

“For gods sake Faith, what the hell are you doing?”

She’s picking herself up, feeling at her jaw. Dusting down pants. I just stare. I don’t get it.

“Why are you here? I thought…”

“Oh… work stuff, I was working late.”

The wheels are turning, stomachs churning. Something ain’t right. The deal was I slayed the off days. She slays the late days. Makes sense, doing a sweep on the way home. Tonight I’m slaying so as she can be home with the kid. I get up close, give a sniff of the air. Maybe habit, but I do it anyways, sniff out the bullshit. She does smell bad… like the place where she works. Dead meat. I’m not gonna call her on it… but still…

“You were working late?”

“That’s what I said.”

She’s turning round to walk away, to dismiss me with her back. I won’t let her. I haven’t got a reason to, it’s not like she hates me or nothing. I find a step alongside her. Pester her for more. “So… was it scheduled or did they get you in to cover someone else?”

She just looks at me. No answers. Keeps walking. “Maybe you forgot to tell anyone… maybe you thought I needed the extra slayage?”

The sounds of silence.

It’s bugging the shit out of me, she can’t not acknowledge me, she has to say something. If she doesn’t then I know I’ll be pushing her to notice me. “Maybe you were just hanging out in the cemetery looking for a bit of…”

“SHUT UP!!”

Whoa! Guess I hit a nerve. Makes me smile. “What’s up B… feeling a little tetchy, come to work out some of that tension in the graveyard? Wanna feel that nasty little feeling..?”

I’ve moved so I’m walking in front of her, backwards so I can face her, so I can see what she’s thinking, guess if she’s feeling. Whatever it is in her eyes is as scary as fuck, all rage and hate and venom. She moves to the side to go round me, I move to block her… I need to know. I need to know if she’s feeling it too.

“Get out of my way Faith.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Move!”

I don’t answer, I just shake my head. Look her straight in those haunted eyes. Something’s telling me to be brave, telling me not to move. That I have to stand here, that I’m meant to stand here.

“I swear if you don’t move Faith I’m gonna…”

“What? MAKE me move?” I take my time looking her up and down, there’s so much fury there I’d be surprised if she could manage to punch straight. “I think we both know that that’s not gonna happen.”

She went to throw a punch, telegraphed it a mile off… I catch her wrist, let it drop between us. “I don’t wanna fight you B, I won’t fight you.” And I won’t. I’ve pushed her enough, seen that the fire still rages bright in there… now I want to let it breathe, I don’t wanna smother it. Give her a reason to stop.

Shame she isn’t on the same page. I see her fist flying again, pushed it away again. “Stop it!”

She gives up the punches and goes for a push, I let her make contact, let her feel how much she’s lacking. I barely move, stand firm, raise my hands and push her to the ground. Not hard, I don’t wanna hurt her… just hard enough so as I’m not forced to hurt her.

She stays on the floor, laying on her side, brings her knees up into that foetal position, it reminds me of when Dawn was laying broken on the bed. Makes me approach her slowly. Softly.

“Hey? B..? You want a hand up?”

“Just leave me alone Faith, please? Just leave me alone.”

Not a chance. Call me a sucker, call me anything. But there’s no way I’d ever leave her here. I’d never leave her anywhere. Not like this. “Not gonna happen, come on..? I’ll take you home?”

I walk round until I’m in front of her, hold out my hand and offer her an up. I smile when I feel the warmth of her hand in mine, the acceptance of my help. I pull her up gently, really fucking gently. If I hadn’t have held it all in I would’ve pulled her straight to me.

There’s a little bit of grass or shit in her hair and I reach out to dislodge it, her eyes are locking into mine and I swear I think she’s gonna cry. I freeze in midair as she sucks in a lungful, her demeanour straightening. Her own hand goes from mine and reaches up herself, pulls at the twig and lets it drop to the floor. Both our eyes follow it down and then both of them rise on each other.

“You ok B?”

I see as her eyelids slide shut, as her bottom lip is taken between her teeth. It’s just for a second. A second to compose. “Yeah… peachy. Thanks.”

I don’t know what to do now. Didn’t really plan on this. She’s standing there waiting for me to take direction so I do. I turn and start to walk her way, slow a pace as I feel her start to follow. Her tread falls into step and we walk side by side. It’s the same as before, the rush and the lightness. But there’s weariness too. For both of us. I don’t know all of her reasons, all of her cryptic hang ups that no one except Tara must know about… but I do know that we’re still in step. Just me and her, no one else, walking the same walk.

I try and speak a bit as we move along, it’s hard though. I don’t know what to say and her answers are short and to the point. Before I know it we’re pulling up outside the house, coming to a stop. Not just me, her as well… as if she’s finding comfort here too.

Her eyes are on me and waiting, almost pleading with me to say something, maybe so she doesn’t have to go in, doesn’t have to get back to life. But it’s not that easy. This IS life. All of it. No escape. And no surrender.

I ask her about Dawn, make it relevant. “So when’s the counsellor gig then?”

She looks a bit startled. Reminding herself of Dawn?

“Oh… Thursday, straight after school.” I can see something going over her face. “My birthday.”

“Your birthday?” She nods her head to the yes.

“Maybe it’ll work out really well then, right?” I try to sound hopeful. “Me and birthdays Faith..?” And in this instant she looks like old Buffy, the same teasing features, self-effacing grin. “…We don’t mix so well. In fact I said no to the birthday… thought about rescheduling… wondered if I shouldn’t maybe be saving myself for the re-birthday thing instead…” She’s all mock sigh and fuck if I don’t wanna kiss her. I just laugh instead. Sick humour maybe, but it’s Buffy humour. I’ve so fucking missed it. After all, it has been years. Her words carry on all sing song and light. “…I told Wills no big parade but she wants a party, says we NEED a party… but I know what’s gonna happen. It’s all gonna go disaster, another Buffy birthday!”

I step back and admire. She comes round, draws breath, looks at me strangely. “What?”

“Nothing B, just nice to see some animation.” I wink to soften and I think it does the trick. She leans against the post on one side of the porch and me against the other. It’s the nicest stand off we’ve had in a while.

“Do you know what really gets me Faith?”

I shake my head, cos really? I haven’t a clue.

“I died, and I can live with that… kind of, or I’m starting to, but what’s with the not missing a birthday..? You’d think I’d get some kind of benefit.”

I look to see if she’s joking, and sure enough there is a little hint of mischief lining her eyes. “That why ya got such a flea up your ass B? Pissed about the getting old?”

“Well I did think I’d skipped it for a while there. But now that I’m back here with the getting old..?” She sighs just a little, the tiniest clue that this goes deeper then a joke, deeper then a stand off, she’s telling me things. In her own little way she’s telling me things. “Back here with the getting old hurts. It all kinda hurts.”

“You know you’re gonna make it though, right?” She looks at me intensely, I feel it. “You have your family and friends B, you know they all love you, they’re all rooting for you… you have everything you need here. Everything to make it better.”

She doesn’t frown and pull sorrowful faces, she keeps looking at me. Her mouth eventually opening… a whisper slipping out. “I think so Faith. I think maybe now I do.”

I wanted to jump and shout and holler. I felt like I’d just ripped past that first little layer of steel. Progress made. I didn’t know what to say… if I shouldn’t just shut up. The door opening made it less of an issue.

“Buffy..? You’re way late… you ok?”

“Hey Wills, yeah. Had some stuff to do… sorry. Here now though!”

Her jovial tone stops further enquiry, Red smiling cos B is smiling. I file it though, for later. Something scratching somewhere. Something to consider. The witch turns to me and speaks a hello. Her happiness easy to spot.

“Hey Faith, nice to see you, sorry I didn’t make it earlier… major study rush, Tara says it was great though… and Dawnie…” She looks at B, looks at me. I guess Buffy hasn’t seen it yet. “…she looks great, beautiful.” She’s nodding frantically to accentuate her words.

“Dawn looks great why? What happened to her?”

“Uh… nothing B, really… she just uh…”

“Faith?”

Nope, not answering. Stepping slowly backwards. She turns to Red. “Wills..? What’s going on?”

“Um… nothing Buffy, just uh… Dawn went to the salon with Cordy and… err.”

“Oh god, what’s she done to her?”

“Hey nothing B, just a little trim, maybe a manicure… it looks great. I promise.” I hold my hand on my heart, she looks, raises her eyebrows at me.

“Hmmm, I hope you’re telling the truth, could be painful otherwise.”

She turns to go inside, Red holding the door open, shooting me glares for missing the fun to come. She stops and turns again, looks mighty thoughtful for a moment. “What I said Faith..?”

“Which bit?”

“About my birthdays always going a little wrong, with the bad stuff?”

“Oh… yeah?”

“Well feel free to come by!” She laughs I guess at my look. “Really… Dawn will be happy and well… having another slayer around might be helpful if things go all… not good.”

“Aw B, I’m touched.” And really I kinda was. “Can I bring Cordy?” I wiggle the brows, she’s gotta know it’ll be all sorts of fun.

“Why not? Maybe she’ll scare the monsters away.” She does a little wiggle of her own. Turns and walks in. I stand and look at Willow. Her eyes finding mine, smiling all over.

She mouths her words, they’re easy to catch. “What did you do Faith?”

I don’t know. She just started smiling. I didn’t do anything. I shrug my shoulders and show her a blank look. Raise my hand to say bye.

“See you Wednesday.”

I turn and walk away. Still light in step. Still smiling. I can’t help but laugh as I hear the telling scream. “Jesus Christ! Dawn!” I guess either Dawn’s just gone from green energy, to girl, to saviour of the world… or Buffy just caught the new look. Yeah. I laugh as I walk away, everything’s cool. Everything’s nice.

Chapter 10

POV Faith

Thursday already right? Like it couldn’t wait to get here. Days zooming by in a daze of waiting. Minutes fast, hours faster. Drink, sleep, eat. Follow a routine, don’t think too much, don’t feel too much. Smile at jokes, nod agreements. And now here. And now what?

The second guessing is killing me. I tell myself that she’ll be lifeless and cold. She’ll be the shell that she keeps on show, nothing home, nothing here. But then I dismiss that. Lose myself in possibilities, sparks which flew the other night, life in eyes, Buffy with a smile. I said I didn’t want it, but I do have hope. Hope for her. Hope for me. Probably madness for both of us.

That girl on the porch is the girl I can relate to. The girl I fell in love with. The girl who tickles me with her jokes, touches me with her vulnerability. And I want to know her secrets.

I want to know what’s so damn bad that she has to keep it hidden. What makes her walk through a graveyard with nothing but hate in her eyes. It was scary the depth of it, plain on show, plain to see. Hard to get past.

I did though. I waited and I bided my time. Like somehow I knew that I had to stand in front of her. Be the barrier for her to crash into. Something that wouldn’t break. Yeah I caught all that venom in her gaze, the rage and the pain, mostly the hate. But I knew it wasn’t for me. I just knew it.

It’s why I couldn’t fight her. I saw behind the hate, saw through it. Like Tara said, it’s easy when you look. And I saw that all that hating isn’t for me. That hate is all for herself. I know it. Been there and done it, remember?

I’ve stood before someone that had every reason to hate me and asked for them to beat me. Goaded them with fists into hitting me back. Making it hurt. Making it go away. Yeah. I recognised B’s plea. What she wanted. The way she wanted me to make it stop.

Old Faith might have given it to her. Me..? Not a chance.

I watched her break and then I went to her. Offered her my help. I hope the warmth of her hand in mine was acceptance of that. Belief that I CAN help her.

Not so sure if you ask me how. It’s all just a feeling. And like I told you; it kinda feels like my destiny.

It’s been days now though, and maybe destiny changes? Maybe time to think has filled her head with the truth of all I ever did to her. Reminded her that my kind of helping was never so good. Not really helpful at all.

So much I want her to see the truth of the now. The truth about me. And yet I’m so damn scared to show her. To reveal everything I am for her, to put it all on the line only to be crushed. To have mistaken one thing for something else. Misinterpretations.

Her hand in mine nothing more then a lift up to standing. An invite to her birthday nothing more then another slayer around if things go… not good.

But surely even that means she trusts me a bit? Believes in me a little?

I just wish that I knew her secrets. All of them.

I go to say it out loud. Something in the air calling at me to say it out loud. To give voice to my wishes.

“I just wish that…”

“You would hurry the hell up!”

“Huh?”

“Seriously Faith, talking to self in mirror is not a good advert for sane…” She looks me up and down, her eyebrows shoot high and I know what’s coming. “…and when did you morph back into a slut bomb?”

“Is that your way of telling me I look nice, Cor?”

“No. It’s my way of telling you that you’re not leaving the house like that!”

Oh come on? It’s not all bad. So I’m still having a little trouble updating my look around B. It works and I might need it. I said I want to know her secrets, I also said I may not be ready for her to know me. And leather does feel good. It’s comforting. Skin on skin.

“No one tells me when I can or can’t leave a house, and I do look good…” She shakes her head. I raise my eyes. “…you know you’re just jealous.”

“Of what? Your all over slut appeal? Not likely Faith… it was bad the first time round, this time it’s just ridiculous.” Oh how her comments wound me. “I know and you know that there’s a gorgeous girl under there somewhere…” She walks closer, carries an inspection. “…hiding pretty well, make ups kinda heavy… but I know she’s there. Why are we hiding her?”

“I’m not hiding, I’m… accentuating.”

“Tits and ass maybe, everything else is just lost under that!”

I slide my hands over my encased thighs, turn around and caress my ass for her. “It looks good though don’t it?”

“No, it looks like everything you used to be.”

Her voice has lost it’s humour and my manner has lost it too. She’s right, of course she is. I know she is. But still it’s almost easier. To hide.

“Hey come on… I get why you’re doing this Faith.” She must have caught my mood, cos now she tries to make it better. “But you don’t need to do this. Why give her what she expects huh? Lets show the girl the truth… knock her socks off with some of that natural beauty?”

She’s got her makeover face on again and I’m kinda glad that all the salons are shut. I like my hair. A lot.

“How about a compromise… you can lessen the makeup and I keep the leather?”

“Twirl.”

“What?”

“I wanna check the leather over again, see if it works.”

I go slow, ain’t no checking of leather… she’s checking on my ass. I get that. I turn back to facing her, give her the shit eating grin, eyes of promise. “You enjoy that Cor?”

“Nice ass, tops gotta go. Too much cleavage, lessens the eyes.”

Ha! Nice ass, I knew it. Not getting the cleavage thing though. “What’s wrong with my cleavage?”

She laughs a little. “Nothing wrong with, Faith, even I can see the appeal… but it’s too much, we want her talking to you, not your goodies!”

“As if!”

“Trust me, anyone would be looking… you got it girl, you know that.” I nod my agreement, I spose I kinda do. Got it. “Now lose the top, find some more material, then get your ass to the bathroom… I’m gonna make a creation.”

I watch her walk out. Rummage through my bag and do as she says. I trust her creations, I never look better then when Cordy does her thang. I just hope it’s the right thing to do. Hope that it’s not too soon to be showing myself to her. I’m not so sure that I want her looking into my eyes. All my secrets are there. Always have been.

The woman stepped out from the shadows of the house. She had watched everything occurring around her, seen the pain. She thrived upon it. It’s what gave her the power.

The girl who had sought her services hadn’t asked for anything huge. No bloodshed or massacre. Halfrek was still excited though, to see what would happen… how spoken desires would shape the lives of those inside.

She raised up her arms and spoke her words into the night.

“Wish granted.”

It was done.

“You look really nice.”

“Huh?”

The dark haired slayer turned around to face the voice, smiled at a girl who also had a brand new look of her own. “You’re looking pretty fine there too girly, B come to terms with the difference yet?”

“I’m not allowed to wear the heels around her, gives her sore neck.”

“Not your fault she’s a midget.”

“That’s what I said!”

Cordy looked on, watched them laughing. She had modelled both of them tonight. Dawn’s new style to give her confidence and Faith’s so that she could finally stop hiding. Stop pretending to be the thing which she wasn’t.

She had watched Buffy run her eyes over her, had seen the quizzical look and knitting of brow, had heard her whisper words of compliment, seen the smile as it had encompassed Faith’s face.

She’d never really thought about the possibility of them being anything other then enemies before. Knew the depth of Faith’s feelings in words, but had never had the opportunity to observe them with that knowledge. To uncover the secret of what might lay between them. In the beginning she had been too wrapped up in her own life to care about theirs. Ramifications smashing her world wide apart, no time to stop and look at everything else around her.

Now though… now she had the time. Made the time. The gift of visions had also borne with it a gift of pain. The ability to feel it, to understand it. To want to stop it. Underneath the coy looks, the hidden smiles, the tentative touches, there was so much pain. The room was awash with it. So many cries going unheard.

She watched them as they drifted through the crowd of friends, stopping to make talk with different people, focus remaining anywhere but on each other. It was there though, you only had to look and you could see.

Buffy’s eyes searched the hardest, always moving round, not resting until they came to rest on her. And the little sharp pause, the intake of breath every single time that Faith’s eyes rose to meet her. Sometimes they looked away quick, sometimes they allowed themselves to linger. Yes. Cordy had decided that there was definitely something there. All she had to do now was to work out what to do with that knowledge.

It was tempting to fake a vision, to fall to the floor screaming false agony, grab her head as she looked meaningfully at the two slayers. She could envision her words… the gasps of surprise… ‘You two… you’re meant to be together…’

It made her giggle quietly to herself. It was kind of tempting.

“Hey, what’s with the funnies?”

The voice startled her, she’d been lost in the making of plans, amusement to be had. Now though she looked up, looked into eyes that she hadn’t seen in a while, eyes that she didn’t realise until that second that she had been missing.

“Xander… good to see you.”

“What’s the punch line?”

“I can’t be pleased to see an old friend now?”

He wanted to believe it, that they were friends… but this was Cordelia, let down your guard for a second and she would blast you away. “Are we using the term ‘friends’ loosely?”

Her mouth opened, she went to speak, held herself back. She didn’t want this to be the same old nonsense, her using words to make him less, him using jokes to gain back self confidence. For a moment she put her own defences aside, offered him an honesty, a truth of feeling. “Look Xander, things change… I’m not that same person anymore that left here, can’t you just accept that I’m pleased to see you?”

He waited near on a minute for her face to change, for the look of friendship to go from her eyes. For a cutting comment to slice him in two. It didn’t come though, all that came was the awkwardness of the silence that he had made. He swallowed the pride he had thought she would wound and sat himself down next to her. Offered the smile to go with his words.

“It’s good to see you too, kinda strange… unexpected. But good. Really good.”

“I didn’t expect to be back either, Sunnydale’s not high on my list of places to visit, but Faith needed me… it seemed like the right time.”

“Things are pretty messed up here… I guess you know all that?”

She nodded her confirmation. “Yeah, the LA hotline has been abuzz with the heavy stuff. It’s reassuring to know the place never changes.”

“I sometimes wish it hadn’t.” She looked at him oddly, those old days were never fun. But he had his reasons. Looked to share them. “I know things were hard back then… high school, girls… you. Things now though..? All sorts of crazy.” He sat back and threw his eyes quickly round the room. “Willow messed up bad… and with the Buffster, you know… and then Dawn, it’s all a little much. Makes it hard to stay strong.”

“You do though. You always did.”

“Thanks Cordy.” Sometimes it was like his efforts to do what he could went unnoticed… hearing someone recognise it, speak it, it made him feel good. Valued.

“So what about you and LA? You like it?”

“It has it’s advantages… same amount of freaky stuff, bit like home from home…”

“Faith told me about the visions… sounds kinda cool.”

She laughed at the simplicity of his statement, had never thought of it as ‘cool’ before. “It has it’s moments… made me a queen for a while, headaches are bad. It’s tough having a higher calling… makes me get the slayer deal a bit better.”

“Hot chicks with super powers, you’ve joined the mighty ranks!”

“Are you calling me hot, Xander Harris?”

He could feel his cheeks start to colour, nerves creeping in. “Uh… I might have said that…”

She offered him a smile, a soft one. Not one which spoke of how much she knew that she was all that, one which said thank you. That she appreciated it. “You’re wearing pretty well your self… you look all man sized…”

“Xander..? What’s all man sized?”

“Anya!…” He hadn’t seen her approach, didn’t know what she had heard. “…tissues! We were talking about the superiority of man sized tissues… for sneezing…”

“Save it.” The former demon turned her attention to the girl. She remembered her vaguely, heard how she had broken Xander’s heart. It made her not so keen. Also kind of jealous to see them sitting together. She loved Xander… this Cordelia woman could just go home. Xander was hers. All hers. She held out her hand, showed off her ring. “You do know that Xander’s engaged now right? You missed your chance, no good coming back now looking for second chances… I warned Faith that he was mine, now I’m warning you… back off.”

Cordelia couldn’t help but laugh. Yes she was extremely happy to see him again, but there was only one place that her heart lay nowadays. One man for her. “I’ve been warned, I’ll uh… just back off.” She cast an amused glance down at Xander as she rose to leave him, wanted to wish him luck. He’d certainly need to be strong if this was who he was marrying.

She made her way to the kitchen, hunted out Faith, found her with Willow. More old ‘friends’, the place was practically full of them. She stood for a moment and listened to them speaking, talk of demons and disasters, how they hadn’t managed to get a hold on what it was that was causing all the mishaps. Faith had told her about the elusive threat of the nerds, how they thought that maybe some occult following kids were getting into pranking… didn’t realise how much damage their pranks could cause. They hadn’t been able to find them though, not really sure what they were looking for.

“Hey, I thought this was a kick ass party you dragged me too Faith, no shop talk…”

“Oh, hey Cor… you not finding the fun?”

“Just been warned off Xander, there’s my fun plan gone for the night!”

The three girls laughed at the shared joke, Willow offering condolences. “Sorry about that, she gets a little over-sensitive where Xander’s concerned, she warns me every few weeks and I’ve been all about the lady love for ages now.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

She gave Cordy her mischievous grin, eyes shining. “Perfect, good times galore!” There wasn’t a day ever when she regretted switching teams. She didn’t know if it was all girls, it was definitely her girl though. Tara had changed her world, in more ways then one. Given her belief in herself, given her love.

Things were starting to get back on track, one pretty heavy make-out session causing her to be wearing a pretty little scarf tonight. Yep. Miss Mclay had shown Willow just how much she had been missing her, still needed her. It filled her with smiles, made her want to wish for time to speed forward to the point where everything was better. The time when Tara would feel ready to come back. To move home.

“What about you Cordy?”

“And girly love..? Not a chance!” She cocked her brow at Faith. “Not for lack of trying from slay girl over there… but no, I’m still a guys gal.”

Willow cast her eyes to Faith, girly love? Since when? “Um… Faith? You and the girly stuff?”

“Oh come on Red, you gotta have known… I thought you types had those radar things, tell me I wasn’t blipping it.”

“No blipping.”

“Damn… I was sure I had that whole butch thing down pat. You sure not an inkling?”

Faith let her eyes travel over Willow in that deeply sensuous way that she managed so easily, let them speak of all the things she could do to Willow, for Willow. Let her tongue poke out so slightly, drawing her in, drawing soft circles around soft lips… pointed her gaze. Bedroom eyes.

“Ok, ok… I’m blipping! Quit already!”

They laughed again, easy laughter. “I thought maybe with Buffy you might have wanted to, but I figured it was one off… I thought you were a guys gal too?”

“I’m MY girl Red, I go where the urges take me…”

“Don’t listen to her Willow, she doesn’t go anywhere, girls a nun… you’d think in LA she’d hit the party scene, but nope… all I get is two for one on brooders, find the fun my ass.”

“Offer me your ass again Cor and you know I’ll be finding the fun.” She gestured with her eyebrows, never one to miss an opening.

“All talk, really.” Cordy made her way to Willow’s side, surprised at how easy it was, how soon they’d put aside childish dislikes. “Ask her when the last time was? She’s probably forgotten…”

“No fair, you can’t talk… we’re both of the lacking, it’s why I keep offering.”

“No Faith, you keep offering cos I’m hot, I keep refusing cos I’m not yet desperate!”

They hadn’t noticed the little blonde birthday girl wandering into the room, her ears perking up to listen to their words. Now they noticed her though. When she spoke. “I’m getting desperate.”

“Huh… Buffy?” Willow’s face showed shock, she was getting desperate for what?

“You want Cordy’s ass too B?” The younger slayer shook her head slowly, nothing but teasing. “Get in line girlfriend, I got first dibs on this piece.”

“I feel like a commodity.”

Buffy laughed at all of them, had heard their words. Heard reference to herself. Couldn’t let herself think of a meaning for it. Refused. It was too hard.

“I meant desperate to open gifts, a girl can only wait so long…”

“Wow Buffy, I thought you meant desperate for you know… the sex stuff, gifts is good though, not as good as the sex… but still good.”

They all made to move, the front room waiting for the presents to begin. Faith held herself back for a moment. Gifts. She knew she had forgotten something. Wondered if Buffy would take the sex stuff as an alternative… grinned to herself as she accepted the no.

It took ages to get through the unwrapping, every present given the time to be appreciated. Buffy was trying so hard, for her friends, for Dawn. Trying to replace the emotions she wasn’t feeling with words of gratitude. Thanks for all the things. Nothing that made a difference. And then everyone had been and then it was Faith’s turn.

She felt as the eyes went to her, couldn’t believe that she hadn’t thought to bring anything. She hadn’t been to too many birthday parties, sure, but even a moron could figure out that ya needed to bring a gift. She cast her mind quick, let a beautiful smile settle on her lips as she thought of an alternative.

She stood up and walked over to the coats, reached inside the pocket and pulled out her stake. It was hand crafted by herself, her favourite, a little piece of wood with a whole lot of attitude. She turned back to Buffy holding it in her hand, gave a little wiggle of the brows. “I made this for ya B, thought it might come in handy.”

Buffy looked kind of unimpressed though, as if she had seen a thousand stakes before, probably more. She wondered at what to do to make it better, made a plan. She took the ever present knife from the lining of the jacket, tossed the stake up and caught it. “Come on girl, I’ll even engrave it for ya…”

She made quick work of the task, just an ‘F’ and a ‘X’… nothing too heavy, too meaningful. She flipped the blade back down. Tossed the stake across the room and smiled as Buffy caught it. She watched her raise her eyebrows, roll her eyes heavenwards. “Thank you… I think.”

She placed the stake down on the table next to the sofa. Looked at all the faces looking at her, looking for direction in what to do now. She forced cheery into her voice. “Well lets put the music back on… I thought this was a party!”

Her friends found the volume button. Found the space on the floor to bust some moves. Her eyes went to all of them. To one in particular. It hit her again, the force of her. The feel of her. It made her wait on a moment, when no one was looking. A moment to escape. To run and to hide

Chapter 11

POV Faith

Sitting here holed up in a closet. I swear I’ve finally fucking gone mad. Like really mad, not with the evil, just with the insanity. It’s like being a kid again. Acting out, playing up… then when the attention finally came I’d shit myself. Terrified. Run up to my room and shut myself away in the closet. Oh the fucking memories. Just like living the past.

I didn’t mean to play up tonight though. Really. I just got stupid. Listened to the voices in my head.

We had slammed the music back on after the gifts, a bit too loud, trying to drown out the worries, quieten down all the heartache. I thought it was working, thought the smiles were real, the laughter true. Everyone moving, dancing for fun. It wasn’t true though, and maybe true happiness IS just a myth?

I’d been stopping my gaze from straying too much, from searching her out at every opportunity. And God knows I wanted to. Just wanted to rest my eyes there and never let them stray, no reason to ever move from the thing that can hold them captivated. I fought to keep them busy, to meet the gaze of the ones I was speaking to, half the time forgetting to listen so hard was the task… and when I did falter, when my eyes flicked up as if they were being called? Then I caught her looking too. Straight back at me.

A seconds recognition before she tore them away, hurried them to different places, hidden from view. Other times longer. Less recognition, more just the truth. Like she accepted that my eyes were the right place to look, that maybe there were answers there… and then she would realise that she was doing it, I’d see it come over her… little embarrassed smile, but still slower to pull her gaze away.

I wonder what I could do to make her keep on looking, to never make her feel like she had to take her eyes away from me.

When we were dancing I just assumed that she was there, not at my side where I would want her to be, but with the others, with her friends. I couldn’t search, was throwing myself into my task, matching Cordy move for move… impressing on the witches just how damn fine us LA girls are. Dancing becoming my only real focus. And then I couldn’t find her.

A quick sweep over a small crowd, and no, she wasn’t there. I excused myself from them, strode into the kitchen, out to the yard… not a sign. Headed for the bathroom, no one there. It pretty much left only one place she could be, the one place I shouldn’t go. The one room I’d never be getting an invite to. Her bedroom.

I was gonna ask one of the others, one of the witches maybe… just go up and check, go see that she’s ok. That she doesn’t need anything. But I was listening to the voices, the ones which told me not to worry the others, to just go sneak a peek myself, a little soft knock on a door… what harm could it do? Fucking genius.

My gut was churning all the time it was pulling me there, the stairs so hard to climb, the passage so hard to walk. I made it though. Stood before the door as if that alone could grant me entry. My hand wavering just the tiniest bit as I sought to bang a knock.

Tap, tap, tap. Sounded like my heart.

“Yeah?”

“B… you ok?”

“Faith?”

The surprise in her voice was pretty plain to hear, I guess she was as shocked as I was to find myself standing at her bedroom door. I figured on speaking. The silence was doing nothing for the nerves. “Uh-huh… I just wondered…”

“You can open the door.”

I could? That didn’t do much for the nerves either. I turned the handle slowly, didn’t wanna break a moment. Didn’t know why I was in one.

She was sat up on her bed, her knees drawn up under her again, chin resting, eyes red stained from crying. It stopped the tapping of my heart, it made my heart freeze. I hated seeing her like this, hurting like this. It made me speak so softly, so quietly. “Hey come on… what’s up? What’s wrong?”

My legs had carried me to her side, my knees bending to sit me down next to her. My arms were itching to find her, to envelope her in something other then the pain, but I couldn’t. Way too much, way too soon.

She turned her eyes to me, sank them into mine. Such a powerful fucking moment. I swear she was looking at me like she hadn’t looked at me in years, just me and her, before shit, without shit. I melted. I opened my eyes wide for her… showed her everything. Like I used to. Hoped that this time it would be enough. That it wouldn’t be too soon.

I was holding her before I knew it, my body shaking with the force of her sobs, my heart breaking from the force of what she was showing me. How could anything hurt this much? I struggled to find words, to make my voice work, to stop it from faltering. “Let it out B… it’ll be okay… come on, it’s all gonna be okay.” And so damn much I prayed that I wasn’t lying, wasn’t telling her anything except the truth.

She didn’t believe me, I know she didn’t. I felt as she tensed in my arms, her chest hitching as she fought to stop the tears and catch her breath. I held her tighter, begged her not to pull away from me. To end this already. I just wanted to be there for her. To catch her if she fell.

She didn’t move. She stayed rigid, but she didn’t move. Her words drifting up to me, harsh from the tears. “You don’t know Faith, you don’t know that it’s gonna be ok, you don’t even know if it can be okay. You don’t know anything.”

She wasn’t incriminating me with the words, just telling it how she saw it. What she believed the truth to be. I wanted to disagree. I had to… what was the point otherwise?

“I do know, B. It has to, it might not seem like it… like everything’s gone to shit, but it will. It does. You just gotta believe in it.”

I sounded like an absolute idiot. Just believe in it B? How inspiring.

“I can’t believe in it. I want to… but you don’t know.” She ripped herself up from the bed then, tore herself from my arms, left me stunned. Just watching her pace. All those shutters were smashing back down over her face, the hate back in the eyes. Her words came heavy, cutting with the weight. “You don’t understand Faith, you haven’t got a damn clue, a moments idea of what the hell all this is…” She threw her arms around, encompassing everything. “…it’s all crap! My whole world is crap.”

She came to rest against the wall. Her shoulders sagging after her outburst. I rose slowly, wondered at going to her again, wondered if she was done. Her voice stopped me in my tracks. It was so fucking painful, hearing her speak… not knowing what she meant. Not knowing how to stop it. “If you knew Faith… if you understood… you wouldn’t come near me, none of you would come near me.”

I didn’t believe her. “Nothing’s that bad Buffy. Nothing could ever be that bad.” I spoke for myself, there wasn’t anything that would turn me from her, make me stop feeling for her. Look at everything I have done… things I enjoyed doing. Things which I knew were fucked up and wrong, evil and bad… but still I did them. Still I chose to do them.

“You don’t know.”

“Tell me.”

She was shaking her head before her eyes met mine. Back and forth. Denying me, denying her. Silent tears were starting to fall, not wracking her body this time, not making her shake… just falling. Slipping out as if that’s all they knew how to do. Just had to get out.

I asked her again. Begged her again. “Tell me, B.”

“I can’t.”

I wanted to scream out in frustration! How the fuck could I make it better if she wouldn’t fucking tell me?

I walked my way into her space, stood right in front of her, appealed with everything I was. Naked eyes asking for naked truth. “Tell me.” I whispered it, hoped it would slip past defences.

Her eyes were pleading with me to stop, her head still shaking. It scared the shit out of me to think what it could be. I hadn’t a fucking clue… but she was falling apart. Whatever it was, it was ripping her to pieces.

I found her with my arms again. I didn’t know what else to do, how to stop it, how to fix it. I let my hand wander up to head, let fingers stroke back hair, held her against my shoulder. “It’s ok… it doesn’t matter, just shush… you don’t have to tell me…”

I could wait. I would wait. I didn’t want to push her. To break her.

I stayed there until I realised where I was. In Buffy’s room, holding her in my arms. I almost jumped back. Just stopped myself. Untangled limbs slowly. Her face was awash with the tracks from her tears and I wanted to taste them. To reach out my tongue and kiss the pain from her face. It made me step back, made me give myself distance.

I felt so fucking vulnerable, she looked so fucking vulnerable. It wasn’t the time to make grand gestures with my tongue. And so what if the voices kept saying it? Kept urging me to test out the softness of her lips, to slide my hand behind her neck and tease them closer to me? I couldn’t. Not now.

I thought about words to soften the moment. To take away the undeniable feeling of wanting her. Wanting to hold her again. Hold her more. “Are you okay?”

I know it wasn’t great, but I had nothing. I just wanted her.

I could see so many things crossing her eyes, her face, and not one of them made sense to me. I thought I saw longing and desire and need. A need like I had for her. It confused me again, made me walk the step back to her.

There was so much shit swirling in that room right then, at that moment. Too much emotion, too much confusion. I should’ve just left, not stepped back to her. Not let the roughness of my fingertips trace a path up to her face, not allowed the quiet gasp she gave to sink through all my levels… not let so little mean so much.

I could feel my own tears wanting to fall. For her, for me, for us. So many tears. So many years of hurting. I just wanted one answer. One answer to a question. My only question.

I waited until her eyes were in line with me, no makeup to cower behind, no one to stop me from opening my mouth, just me and her. Feeling it fizzing through me, touching every part of me, burning, scorching. I looked at her honestly, only asked for it back. “Do you feel it B? This…” I let my hand trail from the patterns it was making on her face, down between us, touching neither but the current. The charge. “…tell me you feel it?”

She had to. It was holding me prisoner before her… she had to feel it. Feel something.

Her gaze was begging me to believe yes, but her body was going rigid… her head starting to shake, her eyes sliding shut, clenched shut. “I… Faith, it’s not that easy…”

“Buffy, I’m not asking you for anything… I just need to know that you feel it…”

I was praying for her to stop, to just fucking let it be. Accept it. She opened her eyes again and stared at me. Looked into me, through me. She gave a tired sigh, nodded her head so slightly, whispered her words, barely speaking them. “Ok… I feel it… I feel you…”

It was all that mattered. My forehead found hers and she did let it be. Just for a moment, just that feeling. Every hope, every dream held in that single instant. I still could have walked away then. Made it out ok. But I didn’t. I looked for more. The tip of my nose grazing softly against hers, moving my head down, opening my lips so slightly… pressing against her mouth, sighing into her. My hand reaching up to slide behind her neck the way the voices had said it would be… holding her to me.

I could feel her yielding, feel her tasting my lips like I was tasting hers. Soft sighs in reply to my own. My one second when the whole of my fucked up life was perfect. Complete.

I knew what was coming. Could feel her tighten, her body stiffening for retreat. Her lips pulled away and her head again was shaking, confirming what couldn’t be. What she wouldn’t let be. “I can’t… I can’t do this Faith, please… I just can’t do this.”

It was like a slap to the face. Worse. It hurt more then a knife to the gut. I knew she felt me, I knew she felt this… why the fuck couldn’t she just allow it. Give over to it?

I pushed my self back from her, paced the floor I had watched her pacing. I was so sick of it. She was still there by the wall, still looking broken… still looking worn. I had enough. So much of enough. I knew I could help, knew I could make her feel better… knew I could make her feel… but she wouldn’t let me. Was rejecting me again. Pushing me away again.

“This is bullshit B… fucking bullshit!” Yes it was harsh, but damn it, I felt it! I didn’t know where the fuck I stood here, never had, maybe never would. “You can’t… fuck it! You can’t let me kiss you like that and then push me away… damn it B, it doesn’t work like that. It can’t work like that!”

I wanted to crush myself against her. To slam my body so hard against hers that the whole fucking house shook, I wanted her to feel me alright, all fucking over. Inside, outside. Such a powerful feeling.

She was crying again. Tears again. It softened my desire, drove me crazy with too much to feel. “B… just stop it. Just stop it, ok?…” I watched her slide down the wall, watched her arms go round her head to keep it all in, to keep me out. “…this will never get better if you won’t let anybody in… you have to let people in.”

She wouldn’t raise her head again. Wouldn’t look at me. Acknowledge me. I was sick of it. Sick of all of it. “I can’t do this B, I can’t help you unless you want help…”

Oh then the head rose. Eyes boring into me. “You think you can cure me with kisses Faith? You think you can kiss it all better… you haven’t a clue… not a clue…”

“Well tell me then!”

“I can’t!”

“You won’t!”

I stood looking down on her, watched the defiance come across her face, the same old me and B story. Every step closer seems to drive us further apart. “Just go Faith… please, just go.”

To right I was going. This place was so fucked up, it was her birthday for Christ sake, she had a house full of friends and all she could do was sit up in her room crying her eyes out. Bemoaning a life that she wasn’t even living. “I’ll go, I stay any longer I might give ya a reason for the tears B…” I swept my hand through my hair, sighed a fucking eternal sigh. “…you have to try and make things better, no one can do it for you… no one can get in unless you let them in.”

It was my last try. My last attempt to throw her a lifeline. To stop her from sinking.

“I… I can’t Faith. I just can’t.”

Fuck off!!!

I looked at her with some kind of disgust. She just wouldn’t try and I couldn’t respect that. I turned from her, showed her my back. I was only human too, and the girl was ripping ME to pieces. I couldn’t let her, I had too much to lose.

I pulled the door shut hard, maybe slammed it, stomped down the stairs with thunder on my face. Cordy was still embroiled with the witches, Dawn showing them some kind of Britney Spears move, all flashy with her fancy hair and clothes. It didn’t calm me. I wanted out. I needed out.

“Cordy, we’re going.”

My voice was gruff and harsh, caused them all to look at me questioningly. Fuck that. They wanted answers they could go ask B. I didn’t have a clue.

“Going? Going where?”

“Come on…” I put my arm on hers to pull her away, she gave in, her eyes trying to work out what had happened. “…guys I’m sorry, but I gotta split… I’ll catch ya later.”

Tara stood shaking her head, sadness plain on show. That girl just sees everything, wouldn’t surprise me if she guessed what had just gone down upstairs. Red looked kinda spooked, like she wanted to find Buffy and now, wanted to check that I hadn’t gone all rage girl on her. Dawn just looked upset. I felt for her, but I needed out.

I waved across the room at the others, dragged Cordy to the door. Went to open the door.

Tried again.

Cordy tried to open the door.

I tried to get close enough to rip the fucker from it’s hinges.

Nothing was working. It was like we just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t get close to it. Feet freezing. Body tensing. But nothing. No movement. It was fucked up.

“Cordy..?”

“I don’t know.”

The others had come to our side. All of them attempting to do what we couldn’t. No one could. We were stuck there… all of us, and none of us knew why.

“I should get Buffy, she’d want to know this was happening.”

I looked at Red, wanted to scream that no, getting B was a bad idea. I didn’t wanna see her again. I had just made my leaving speech. Fuck, I’d just kissed her and then made my leaving speech. I couldn’t see her now. Wouldn’t see her now.

So I’m in the closet.

Surrounded by junk, by the voices in my head. They know I’m in here, it’s pretty fucking obvious that I‘m in here, but I don’t care. I need a little space, a little time alone. I don’t need to be trapped in a house with Buffy.

It’s getting really late now, the darkness screaming at me. Slayer urges. To hunt, to kill. To feel. It’s making me antsy, making me tense. Making me think I’ll be staying in the closet till morning at least. It’s safer that way. Easier. For everyone.

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