Chapter 7

POV Faith

I stand in front of the full sized mirror checking out myself from every angle. I have to get this right. Only trouble is I’m not so sure what right is exactly. Or why I even care.

I’ve been through every stitch of clothing that I brought with me, which isn’t so much, trying different pants with different tops all in the hope that one combination will be the one that makes me someone different, someone she doesn’t despise. It doesn’t work like that though. Doesn’t matter if I go with jeans or leather, low cut, high cut, hair up, hair down… it’s still me I see looking back at me. Still me with the sweating palms and shaking hands. Still me ready to sink to my knees and scream out my rank frustration.

In the end I settle on what I know best, my camouflage in place as I slide into the leather which fits my skin so well. The top that dares to show more then it hides. And the makeup which could only ever be about concealment. Suppressing who I am now in favour of who I was then.

I still look good, I look fucking hot, but that’s little consolation to my self. To the part of me that’s learnt about hiding and running, about being a coward.

I still don’t know that this is even a good idea. Things sit at a tentative ceasefire, B prepared to breath the same air as me, to share the same space as me and not beat my ass. But to socialise together..? It scares the shit out of me.

I wanted to say ‘no’. I did say it, more then once in fact, but Dawn is good. She knows how to pout down my resistance, to put the right level of whining into her pleas;

“So what are ya doing the weekend?”

“Same as every other day I expect, why? You wanna do something?” I remember thinking maybe she wanted to go to the movies again, maybe out for food, to the arcade… it all suited me. Finding the fun with Dawn was good, it was innocent fun, the kind I was only just learning about;

“Can we do something Saturday night?”

I could see Red across the room, losing attention with her laptop, her eyebrows raising as she listened in on Dawn’s plans.

“Sure thing, what ya got in mind? Want me to show ya some smooth moves at the arcade again, maybe catch a film?”

“Nope.”

“Well what then? There isn’t much to do round here if I remember rightly.”

I should have guessed by the exchange of smirks that something was occurring, that I was about to be steamrollered.

“I was thinking the Bronze.”

“The Bronze?” It didn’t sound too bad, I wasn’t sure Buffy would let me take Dawn off out for dancing, but if she was cool, I was cool.

“Uh-huh… we’re kinda going, as a group… and well, I want you to come.”

“A group?”

“Yep, my celebration for kicking your ass at the pizza eating contest!”

“You cheated!”

“No way… Wills said I won, and it’s her treat… so will you come?”

I looked across at the witch, her lively eyes and matching smile. She was pretending that the screen in front of her held so much of interest, but I knew the score. I’d been gang banged before.

“Who’s going?”

Like I didn’t know.

“Me, of course, and Willow, and Tara… then Xander and Anya… and just a few others.”

“I don’t know… I have this thing, to do… on Saturday.”

I could see them exchange glances, little furtive things that they figured I would miss. “But you just said we could do something… how can you have a thing if you said we could do something?”

“Well it’s a thing I forgot, I just remembered… but we can do something Sunday if you want?” It sounded as false as it was. It was the words that first brought about the pout. The lips protruding that little extra bit, the eyes drenched in sorrow.

“But I want you to come… please?”

“I can’t, I’m sorry.”

I didn’t have room in my tone for bargaining, was sure I wouldn’t need it. The other night when I had whispered dreams to Buffy, I had vowed then to just stop. To stop wanting more. And I could do it, I was sure… but it would be easier if I didn’t see her. Didn’t allow me eyes to linger too long on all it was that they wanted to consume.

Dawn pulled herself up from the sofa all full of wounded torment, I might have felt sorry for her if I hadn’t seen. Hadn’t seen the look exchanged as she made her way past Willow. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d tagged her in… it’s what it felt like she had done.

Dawn left the room, Red rose from her chair. I’d watched her with interest as she made her way to me, made her way to the chair opposite, sat down and fixed me with eyes that didn’t leave room for question.

“You don’t really have a ‘thing’ do you?”

“Uh… sure I do, an important thing.”

“Like avoiding Buffy?”

My silence said it all.

She sighed and settled herself back, it looked kind of rehearsed. “Faith… I know things are kind of ‘difficult’ between you two at the moment…”

Difficult? I could have thought of thousands of words that said it better.

“…and you know, with Buffy, things will probably stay that way… but I thought you were here for Dawn, I thought that’s the whole purpose of you being here?”

“You know it is.”

“Well Dawn really wants you to come. This is a big deal for her… going out, having a good time… and I think it’s important that you’re there, that she gets a little bit of that happiness that we’re all trying to find for her.”

That was so not fair. I WAS here for Dawn, but it didn’t mean that I could just ignore everything else. God knows I would if I could. I ran my eyes over her form, let them settle on the face that could only be described as resolute.

“You planned this didn’t ya?”

“What… the Bronze? Yeah of course… I promised Dawn if she beat you, and well, she did!”

“Not the Bronze… this. This little tag team steam rollering thing you got going with Dawn?”

I could see her cheeks flush even as she shook her head. “Nope, I mean… sure she mentioned asking you, and I think it’s a good idea, and she may have said that you might not be so keen… what with the uh… ‘aggro’ I think she called it, but we didn’t… tag team?”

“Sure ya did… I’m not stupid Red.”

I saw the little smile cross her lips, her amusement at my words. “Did it work?”

“What?”

“The tag teaming?”

Of course I laughed, congratulated them both on a great effort, but I still said no. Dropping by the house and pretending to smile at Buffy was ok, I could do that, she was kinda doing that… but seeing her out..? Pretending that I was part of the circle that she called friends..? I couldn’t do that. Was sure she wouldn’t appreciate that.

For a couple of days they left it. But I should have known. I didn’t realise that they would bring in reinforcements though. When the phone had rang I had assumed it was Dawn, no-one else had ever rung me, not outside of LA anyway;

“Hey Cutie… how did back to school go..?”

She has such a soft little laugh. I was learning to really like it. Was still kinda surprised to hear it then though.

“Hello Faith, college is fine thank you… and cutie? You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Tara?”

“Hey, how are you?”

“Erm… fine, I guess. Same old.” My mind was whizzing along, trying to think of possible reasons for her call. “What about you, is Dawn ok?”

“I’m good, Dawn’s not so good.”

“Shit, what has she done now. Do you need me to come over?”

Oh I am so slow. But I really didn’t see it coming, I was too busy worrying.

“No she doesn’t need that… what she needs is for you to come out with us tomorrow night…” Yes. That again. “… be a part of her life, show her that even your issues with Buffy won’t stop you from being there for her whenever she needs you.”

Issues with Buffy? Didn’t everyone get that this was more then issues?

“I am there for her Tara, you know that… but it’s not that simple. I don’t wanna ruin things for her… me being near Buffy leaves a whole lot of room for disaster. You were there the other night, I’m sure Red’s told you some of the history… me and B don’t mix so well, kinda like oil and water.”

Even her sighs were soft, it made me wonder if she was soft all over. I doubt Red would like me to find out though and I do want to be good this time.

“What if I said I had told Buffy that you were coming and she didn’t start screaming, would that make a difference?”

“It would make me wonder if B was feeling ok.”

“Faith.”

“What?” I didn’t know what she expected, wondered why she expected anything. “I know she hates me, she deserves to… I don’t need to pretend it’s different. It is what it is.”

“And if it could be different?”

I considered my answer. Like I said before, I don’t want hope. Don’t want to imagine a future that isn’t ever gonna happen. I can be happy with this life, I just need not to focus on what could make it perfect. What could make it better.

“You can’t change the past Tara, that can never be different… ‘things’ can never be different.”

“Please come Faith, I understand it’s hard, Willow HAS told me stories… of course I know what happened. You’re right you can’t change it, but neither can she… and Buffy made mistakes too, I’m sure even she can see that…”

I was doubtful.

“…but you CAN make the future different. Both of you can. It all comes down to whether it’s worth it, whether you’re prepared to take the chances.”

Shit this girl was good. I could feel myself believing her words. Wanting to believe them.

“You’re not one of those lifestyle guru’s are ya Tara?”

Soft laughter again, it made me want to see her smile. It also made me wish she had been here the first time round. She could have been my voice of reason, I sure as hell had needed one. And yeah Angel right… I wasn’t so keen on listening though when he was the one who had Buffy.

“No Faith, just a lowly student… and a friend.”

She was pressing my buttons left right and centre. A friend? I was roped in and reeled in. I would’ve done pretty much anything for her then.

“Ok… I’ll come, but if it’s full of aggro I’m leaving. I won’t stay if it causes trouble.”

“There won’t be any trouble. I guarantee it.” I silently wished she was right. “Do you want to meet us here, come by for dinner?”

“Uh… no, I’ll go slay, find my way there later. Thanks though.”

“No problem, I’ll see you tomorrow… yes?”

“Yes.”

And that was how I came to be here. Losing my sanity in front of a mirror.

It’s already past dark, well into slaying time, but I just can’t decide. I run my eyes up over leather again, up over curves I know so well, up to eyes that have seen so much. I hope I’ve got enough makeup on to cover what they feel. Hide what I can see shining so bright.

I just have to keep thinking about Dawn. And maybe just a little bit about the future, about what it could be. What I hoped it could be.

POV Tara

If I close my eyes real tight I can block everyone out, the swaying bodies, the endless noise, everything except the feel of her body in my arms. The smooth touch of hands as they nestle at the base of my spine, the warmth of breath as it tickles the hairs on my neck. I can’t close my eyes though, there’s been too many closed eyes around here lately, too much of missing what was right in front of our faces.

I suppress a sigh as I pull myself back from her embrace, catch her eyes widen as if she’s worried that she’s been holding me too close, that this is all too soon for me. I smile my assurances at her, I love her so much that nothing could ever be too close. She has to know that. Regardless of everything, she has to remember how much I love her.

“Come on Willow, lets go sit for a while, keep Dawn and Buffy company.”

I see her look over to them, to her hands which still rest on my hips, and finally up to meet my eyes… a little regret plain to see. “We can dance again later though, right? Cos dancing’s good, with the holding and the swaying and the music and…”

“We can dance again later.”

It’s enough to get her smiling properly, the kind of smile I’ve learnt to miss.

When we got to the table Dawn was full of animation, yapping away at Buffy like a cute little puppy, practically chasing her own tail to get some attention. It would be cute if Buffy was paying her the attention, but she wasn’t. Her head was nodding, a smile fixed firmly to the corners of her mouth, but her eyes weren’t even close. They were scanning the crowd, crossing the dance floor, poking into every dark corner, anywhere but here.

“Hey Buff, what ya looking for? I thought Faith was the slay girl tonight… no vamps for you! It’s an order!”

“Huh… no, no vamps.” She turned herself back to us, eyes drinking us in, as close as we got these days to a real smile lighting up her face. “Never hurts to be vigilant though, be prepared, that’s my motto!”

“‘Money equals happiness’ that’s mine!”

We greeted Anya and Xander, made room on the sofa’s for them to get comfy. It was nice. But we were all waiting, it was obvious… Buffy’s weren’t the only eyes which reached into the corners looking for her. We all knew she was coming, all had different feelings on that.

I was pleased. I wanted her here. Dawn was a responsibility that we had all let ourselves get sidetracked from, had all abandoned in one way or another. But not Faith. Someone that no one would have expected to come through, wouldn’t have even thought about, had been the one who had made the vow to make things better. To put Dawn first.

It erased all the tales that I had heard about her, it was all that counted to me.

Willow was different. On the one hand she’s made tentative steps towards accepting that Faith could have changed, yet on the other I can still see her need to side with Buffy. To not make her feel that she has turned traitor. It’s difficult and I know she’s struggling. She does see it though, see that Faith could be the one to change things.

Her excitement the other day after the fight was comical;

“Did you see though Tara, did you see the way she was..? Did you see her eyes? Cos I don’t think I imagined it… I saw something. It was kinda pissed, but whoa it was intense… it was like ‘old Buffy’… like undead Buffy…”

She had stopped as if to catch her mind up to her words.

“…not undead, not like a vampire… but alive, like uh… like alive Buffy.”

“I saw it Will, and yes… it was intense.”

And it was. It wasn’t just the eyes though, it was the charge in the room. When they had been standing off against each other there was no where else to look. No where else I could have looked. They create such an energy between them, an immense overload of built up pent up energy. I guess it’s probably a slayer thing. I wonder if it’s anything more.

Xander hasn’t said much. I was there when Willow told him she was back, had seen the animosity as it crept to the surface, then disbelief as we tried to explain why she was here… and then bemusement at the fact that we had been ‘sucked in’;

“But this is Faith! Doesn’t anyone remember Faith? Tried to kill me, and you… did the little body swap deal with the Buffster? Tell me you remember Willow.”

“I… of course I remember, but I don’t know… she’s…”

“Insane?”

“No Anya! Well, I don’t think she is, she seemed kind of… nice?”

“It’s probably just a cover, she’s planning on getting close and then killing you all… it’s the classic Trojan horse strategy, quite efficient.”

“An honey, she did that already.”

“Well you definitely shouldn’t trust her then.”

“I don’t think she’s asking us to trust her…” I had had to speak up, I believed that she deserved the chance to repent. To make amends. “…I think that she just wants a chance. She wants to be there for Dawn, and if she can make things up to everyone while she’s here then great.”

“Well you can give her chances, I have a wedding to be alive for… and so does Xander!”

And that had been the sole debate on Xander’s views. He looks nervous now, and I understand that. Another story I had been told about… how Faith had used him and abused him, tried to strangle him when he offered to help. He’s a good man though and I trust that he will see her heart. Offer the chance she deserves.

What does Buffy feel? The easy answer would be nothing, but that wouldn’t be true. No matter how much we are all talking, how much we call her name to grab attention, her eyes keep leaving us. Keep that scanning thing happening, gaze always darting from doorways to floor. It was the widening of her eyes that let me know she was finally here. Making me twist in my chair to check my assumption.

And Goddess she is beautiful. Encased in leather that lives against her skin as if it belongs there, hair reaching up to pile atop her head, eyes painted dark to inspire mystery. It made me think something to hide behind. It let me know that she was nervous.

I rose to greet her with Dawn, smiled her a way into the crowd.

“Faith, it’s great to see you, how are you?”

She looked like she wanted to run and I couldn’t blame her. I had served some time as an outsider to this group, knew what it was like to only wish that you truly belonged. Dawn latched onto her arm as if she too sensed that she might flee.

“Hey Faith, I wondered if you were coming cos it got kinda late and you weren’t here…” She knitted her eyebrows and ran an enquiring gaze quickly over her form. “…but I guess you were slaying, and THAT outfit is TOTALLY cool for slaying… Buffy never wears anything like that…”

She flicked her attention quickly to her sister, I couldn’t help but follow her eyes, see the expression that sat firmly on Buffy’s face. It wasn’t amused.

“…but her clothes are cool too, right?”

“Uh… yeah, your sisters style has always been ‘cool’, totally.”

It was hard then not to compare them. I didn’t want to, I guessed that people trying to compare them had often been a problem, but Dawn’s words had me studying the two of them closely. Faith dressed in a way which screamed of danger and hidden secrets and Buffy in a way which would never be either. I could guess who Dawn thought was cooler.

I diverted any more open comparisons by leading her over to the sofas. Offering her a seat next to me, Dawn perching on the arm right next to her. It was safety in a way, she had an ally either side. It didn’t really balance the glares which were flying her way from the other side of the table, but I hope it helped. Offered her strength.

She looked so uncomfortable sitting there, the silence which had now fallen over us only adding to an atmosphere. Anya broke it, in the way she always finds to disturb a silence and speak the truth.

“She doesn’t look so scary.”

“She can hear you honey… and looks can be deceiving.”

“I know she can hear me, I don’t care, I said she doesn’t look scary so I’m not scared of her.”

“She isn’t scary, she’s really nice…” Dawn was there as ever to speak her cause. “…Faith, this is Anya… I don’t think you did anything to her, probably best not to mention the stallion thing though.”

I could see Faith colour, it was something I wouldn’t believed she could do if I wasn’t seeing it. It went so much against her costume for the evening. I liked it. It was cute. I didn’t have a clue what the thing was with stallions though, I thought Anya had an aversion to bunnies, not horses. Anya obviously didn’t have a clue either.

“Stallions..? Why can’t she mention stallions..? Are they Trojan stallions?”

“Oh no, just the two legged kind… go by the name of Xander!”

“DAWN!”

That was Buffy. Faith’s mouth was hanging open, I think mine was too… Willow looked mortified, Xander was… primping. Anya was speaking.

“What do you mean? What does that mean?”

“I hope it doesn’t mean anything!”

“Cool it B, all it means is that I think you’re really lucky Anya, Xander’s a real catch… I heard you’re getting married, I hope it all goes well for you.”

That was really clever. I don’t remember Willow telling me that she was really clever. Xander and Anya are staring into each others eyes, smiling lovers smiles and forgetting the tension of the proceeding minutes.

“Faith really likes weddings Anya, maybe you should tell her about it.”

I realise that Dawn is really clever too. She’s turned what could have been awkward into something less so. It’s nearly four down, the girl is a genius. You can see who doesn’t look too happy with the turn of events, but with Buffy’s levels of happiness lately it makes not a lot of difference. The conversation is flowing before I know it and it’s easy to sit back and observe, to share secret smiles with Willow as the world moves on around us.

In what seems like seconds the seating plan is shifting. They’re going to dance. Dawn and Faith and Xander and Anya. I see Willow get up, she asks me to dance with her eyes. I shake my head though, I want to try and talk to Buffy again. Take a moment to touch base. She doesn’t mind, she can have fun without me.

It’s a short while before either of us speaks, both of us lost in thoughts, perhaps ordering thoughts.

“So how are you? I haven’t had a chance to really speak to you since the other night… how are you holding up?”

“What with? Everything? Pretty crap… with Dawn..? God I’m trying.” I see her eyes flit to the dance floor, see the only thing they’re focusing on. “It’s hard though Tara… I want…” She stops speaking, her gaze again lost across the room. I turn to join it and still it’s the same. Faith is urging Dawn into dancing, poking at her sides to make her movements bumpy and irregular, causing laughter not only for her but for all of them.

“It’s okay Buffy, she won’t hurt her.” I guessed that she was worried, was scared that Dawn would get close to Faith and then Faith would be bad again. It was a valid worry as a sister, but it was good to see her worried at all.

“What?” Her eyes stayed locked, her word barely a whisper.

“I said it’s ok, I said she won’t hurt her.”

“It’s not Dawn I’m worried about her hurting.” I glanced at Willow, at the happy couple… I didn’t see who she could be worried about if not for Dawn.

“What do you mean? You think she’s gonna hurt all of them?”

She tore her eyes back to mine, looked at me confused. “All of them? What?”

I think we lost some sort of communication skills then. Both of us happy to sit and look confused. I decided to bring us back, to what I was starting to talk about before. I would think about the comment later, but I would work the comment out sooner.

“Is Dawn behaving better? Since the other night?”

“Better as in less slamming doors? Yes. Better as in not scowling at me every time I get home late? No.”

“Maybe you could stop the getting home late for a while, let Faith take the burden of the slaying…” It made sense. And I knew that Faith would be willing, we had already discussed it, it had been her suggestion. “…maybe if you were there more she would forget how to scowl.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s permanent.”

I looked again to the dance floor, she wasn’t scowling. She was smiling and laughing and dancing and having fun. It was like it used to be. Like it should be. “She’s not scowling now sweetie, is she?”

Buffy’s eyes glazed as she studied her, more tears which wanted out, tears I knew that she would fight to keep inside, would fight to keep from letting her pain be public. “Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a defunct sister… perhaps you could adopt her, I think she likes you and Wills much better anyhow.”

I thought it best to remind her, the way I had to remind myself. “There isn’t technically a me and Wills at the moment Buffy…”

“But there will be, right? You guys are my beacon… my belief in something worth having.”

Willow was my beacon too. And definitely worth having. “I hope so Buffy, I really hope so.” And I did. I kind of knew it. I knew she was just waiting for my words, was ready to do what ever I said to make things better. That was the thing though, with how much I love her I’ve found that most things have just made themselves better. Just being near her again, touching her again, laughing with her again… I feel better.

“I hope so too. Really.”

I remembered suddenly the feeling I’d had the other night when Spike had come by. The feeling that there was more there then had met the eye. I’d mentioned it to Willow and she had looked at me horrified… said even the Buffybot had lost interest in Spike at the end, was no way that the real deal Buffy would ever go there. Not Spike. He was dead and evil. But I wasn’t so sure. I had seen what I saw. The way they interacted. I approached things slow, worked my way up to asking.

“And what about you..?”

“Me?”

“And love… is there anyone?” It was tempting to say anything. I was sidetracked though, because her eyes didn’t shut down, her face didn’t remain empty and passive. No. Her eyes followed exactly the same route they had been travelling ever since we had started talking. I knew who they would be resting on if I turned to see. And it made me think. Made me understand a little more. “Buffy..?”

“Oh… NO! No-one…” She put her eyes back on me and killed whatever flame had just been burning there. I wondered if she even knew it was there, if she was too wrapped up in the hating to understand for herself. “…I’m not really, you know… looking for someone at the moment, I guess maybe I’ll live a while first, get rid of the corpse smell before I look to share a bed.”

I didn’t laugh and she looked apologetic. “Sorry, graveside humour… maybe you have to die to appreciate it.”

“Maybe.” I watched her sink back into the sofa and end the discussion before it’s begun. I still wanted to ask about Spike. A vibe is a vibe. This time I went with the blunt way in. “So how’s Spike doing? Isn’t he here tonight?”

“Spike? Why are you asking about Spike?”

“You spend a lot of time with him recently…” I mentally calculated in my head from what I knew from Dawn and Willow. “…in fact, I think you spend most of your time with him?”

“Well with the slaying… he’s efficient, he kills lots.”

“Because he’s evil?”

“Right. He’s evil. But it helps… having someone there.”

“For slaying?”

Our eyes met then. I could see everything she was suppressing. It hit me hard and it hurt. She tore her eyes away first, closed them on herself, almost as if she could take it away.

“Buffy?” She didn’t look up, didn’t open her eyes. Just spoke flat. A monotone.

“I know Tara… I know, ok.” And then I knew. For definite. I tried to keep my own tone even, to not betray what I felt.

“Do you… love him?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Then why?”

She sat herself back up. Opened her eyes now and fixed them on me. Such deep green, and such deep pain. “Because it hurts Tara… because it feels disgusting, and depraved and I hate myself every single time I let him touch me… but I…” And her eyes did start to weep, did cry the tears that so obviously wanted to be set free. I went to her, tried to shield her from the looks of people passing by, from her sister, her friends. I held her head to my shoulder, encouraged her to let it out. To free herself.

“Come on sweetie, you can tell me… I won’t judge you, this isn’t about judging you.”

“Oh god… I just, I can’t stop… when I’m with him, what I feel? It’s real Tara… it may make me want to curl up and die, make me despise everything I am… but for those minutes, those hours… it’s real. It hurts and it’s real and I feel it.”

I wanted to cry with her. For her. It’s like I said. Too much has happened lately whilst we all had our eyes closed. Too much has been allowed to happen unchecked. I knew she was unhappy, I knew that where we had taken her from was causing her pain… but did I know how unhappy? Did I have a clue how deep it ran? Not one.

I didn’t know what to say. What to do. If anything could be said. I just held her till she stopped, wiped the hair back from her face and kissed her forehead. “I’m here for you Buffy, you know that. If there’s anything I can do?”

“Don’t tell anyone..? Please?… I couldn’t bear it… couldn’t take them knowing what I’ve become. What I do.”

I didn’t like to think about the things they did. I could guess it wasn’t nice, guess it wasn’t candle light and flowers. I guessed it was doing more harm to Buffy then any good that feelings these emotions was ever going to do for her. “Shhh I promise. I won’t say anything.”

“Thank you… and thank you for listening. For not judging me.”

“I’m in no place to judge the unconventional Buffy… you know that.” I wiggled my eyebrows and made her smile a bit. Traced my fingers under her eyes to wipe at the mascara trail she had left there.

“I guess I’m a mess right?”

“Nothing a little TLC can’t cure.”

“I meant my eyes.”

I looked her straight in them, offered her understanding. “And I meant everything.”

“Buffy..? Are you okay?” I hadn’t heard Dawn approaching, looked up and noticed her frown.

“Hey, none of that… I saw all that laughing on the dance floor, you have to have saved some for me.”

“Oh… the dance floor, that’s why I’m here.” She pointed back towards the others. “That boy is back, Andrew? I think he’s crushing on Willow, he won’t stop staring at her… I thought you should know.”

I laughed as I noticed who she meant. Willow had told me all about her new follower. She thought he was funny, a little geeky… she said he reminded her a little of the Xander of old. Bumbling nervousness. I could see it from here, the way he was looking at her, trying to talk, tripping over his words. It was cute.

“I think I’m safe thanks Dawnie, but you tell her I’m watching her… that I expect that dance any minute now.”

She skipped off without a second thought. I turned back to Buffy. “Are you ok now, if I go and dance?”

“Of course I’ll be ok, I’m a big bad slayer!”

More like a little sad Buffy. “Even slayers can fall apart.”

I left her to ponder that. Went to protect Willow from the lure of the boys. Slipped myself in close and let her admirer know that she was already loved. Reminded her that she was loved. It seemed important at that moment. After talking to Buffy I just wanted Willow to know how much I needed her. Would always need her.

She slipped around to face me, looked into my eyes and melted my heart all over again. I could see the sparkle, the longing. I was sure I had it all mirrored.

“I love you Tara.”

“I know you do baby, and I love you.”

It was all it took to forget, to make me close my eyes on the world and lose myself in a kiss I had been dreaming of for weeks. A kiss better.

It was soft and it was sweet and it was tempting and desirable. I sighed as her lips slowly nibbled their way along my bottom one, pushed my tongue forward that last step as it gently met with hers. Just for that second the whole world was perfect. How it should be.

As my eyes opened again it was only love I saw. My love. It was only Dawn I heard though. “Oh wow! Are you two back with the kissing? I love you two kissing… it is SO sweet!”

“No way Dawn… that wasn’t sweet, that was hot! Wicked hot!” I had to chuckle, it was the expression on her face, devilish grin with a side dish of horny.

“Glad you enjoyed it.” I leant forward and kissed my girl again, made the most of my audience. Sometimes I was shy, Willow made me brave. “But now it’s over.”

“All good things.” She quickly ran her eyes around, made to whisper. “At least it shut Anya up for five seconds… does she ever stop talking about weddings, and wedding nights?”

More laughter. I really did like her. “Not really, sometimes eviscerations… not so much lately though.”

“Strange chick… Cordy is gonna die!”

I wondered who was Cordy. Hoped she wouldn’t die.

“Cordy? Is she… coming here?”

“Sure is Red, couple of days… be like old times, only less killing and shit.”

I could feel her arms tighten slightly around me. “I don’t know Faith, I think you’re all repenty girl, but then you tell me that… makes me wonder if you’re still kinda evil!”

“Hey, Cordy’s cool… she’s a little…”

“Bitchy?”

“Honest.”

“Xander’s gonna freak… oh god and Anya, she’ll probably cancel the wedding!”

“Hey calm down, it’s not so bad… she’s not so bad. Ya just have to learn when to duck and cover.” She smiled a lot, winked at us and walked away. I let Willow bring me up to speed on who we were talking about. I remembered mention of her before, that she was kind of mean. But then Faith has a reputation to live down and she is just a dream. Maybe this Cordy will be fine too.

We all left the Bronze together, even Andrew still clinging desperately to the fringe of the group. We didn’t arrange to all go back to Buffy’s. It just happened that way. Not even a mention of who should and shouldn’t be allowed to share the same space.

I kept my eyes open and on everyone. There was so much to see. But mostly I kept them on Willow. I realised tonight how bad life could be if you didn’t hang on to the things which made it better. The things which you loved.

Chapter 8

POV Faith

Back in front of the mirror. Eyeing up the end to an evening which didn’t spell an end. My hand raises unbidden to the glass, to the reflection that looks back at me smug and sure, as if it knows more then I do. But it can’t. Because it’s still only me and I don’t know anything.

It’s cold when I make contact, as if it should be cold, as if it can chill the fire that I can’t stop from raging inside. What would it take to smash it? To rain down shards of glass and break all that I am?

Not much. A touch. A heavy caress. Skin against skin. Her.

She thinks she’s hiding, thinks that those barriers she’s got all set in place are gonna stop me from seeing, from knowing, from feeling. But nothing can stop me from that. Because I do see. I did see. All laid out as pretty as a picture.

Of course I knew she was watching me. She didn’t stop watching me, her eyes honing in on me as soon as I had stoked up enough courage to step foot through the doors. My heart beating louder then the thump of the base. Nerves have got nothing on what I’ve got for her. A superb fucking twist of fate. Maybe loving her is my penance. My real hell on earth.

It’s like every time I’m walking towards her it feels like I’m stepping head first into my destiny. Oh god! How fucked up does that sound??

Words can’t catch it though. DON’T catch it. She makes me want to scream. She makes me want to die. She makes me want to live. She makes me want. Everything and nothing. If I span round and around as fast as I could and didn’t ever stop, it still wouldn’t come close to how it feels being with her. The disorientation. The dizzyness. The sickness.

I kept my back to her when I was dancing with Dawn. It shields some of it, stops some of it from laying so naked in my eyes the way I want to lay naked…

No.

But when Dawn went to her, went to tell Tara tales of the boys, then I looked. Then I allowed a second of respite for my gaze which had been fighting to find her all night.

It hurts. It hurts that she hurts.

That’s not the fuck up though, the fuck up is that a little bit of me wanted the hurt to be for me, because of me. I want to touch her in a way that means that much to her. Crazy right?

Yes.

And I know it. Ask me if I believe I can take the pain away and then it gets even crazier. It does feels like my destiny and ain’t that just bullshit. I can’t believe that a little piece of me still has the gall to think I could ever be something more then nothing to her. The one that kisses it better.

I trace again reflection of lips. Lips that have touched her skin in kisses not made for healing. Kisses made to taunt, to push, to demand more. I could hate those lips of mine.

I saw a kiss tonight that left me breathless. Not with want and desire, not with horniness and lust. Breathless because it was real. What a kiss should be like. Smiles and satisfaction. Love.

It made me look for her again. Made me chuckle my exit away from the crowd of happy people and back to the glare of one who hates me. Praying for a sign that I could come a little closer, edge a little nearer.

She was watching with unseeing eyes, had drawn her knees up under her chin, her feet resting on the edge of the sofa, pulling me towards the edge of reason. Towards her. I didn’t sit, didn’t look to find comfort next to her, with her… I just stood before her. What more can I do? What more can I offer other then what I am now?

She didn’t focus when she spoke, made me wonder if she knew it was me she was talking to. If I was a convenient body, something to allow her words to escape. It didn’t matter. Of course it didn’t. It just mattered that my ears were hearing her, my eyes seeing her.

“Sometimes I watch them… all of them, my family, my friends… I watch them playing, laughing, trying to get on with it, making the most of it… and do you know?”

I followed her gaze to the dance floor, to the witches wrapped in arms safe, to Dawn and Anya making fun of Xander. “Know what B?”

“All I can feel is jealous, envious…” She chuckled at herself but there wasn’t any joy in it. “…I feel angry, I want to take all of them and make them feel for one minute what it’s like… looking at them, knowing it’s them who did this to me…”

Her eyes flicked to mine and they looked so guilty. Ashamed.

“…I died for them. Gave everything up for them… and now I can’t hardly bear to even be near them.”

I moved my body round, moved until it was only me she could see in front of her, couldn’t let her glance slip around me and back to them. Let myself be the only thing she could direct her feelings at. It made her stop, made her eyebrows scrunch as she showed me confusion. I didn’t know… what I was doing, what I thought.

“It’s tough.”

“It’s tough..? Is that the best you’ve got Faith? I thought you were here to help..? I thought you said you could help?”

“I said I could help Dawn.”

She smiled a little and I figured she was considering that, maybe accepting it. “I think you’re right… I think you can help her.”

Freeze frame. Stop. Rewind. Play.

“I think you’re right… I think you can help her.”

Freeze frame. Stop. Rewind. Play.

In the second it takes to draw a breath I had dissected every sound, every expression, every word. Over and over. SHE thought I was right? She was giving ME validation. I didn’t have a reply. I wanted more from her. Craved it even.

“Don’t look so shocked Faith…” At least I didn’t look obvious. “…you may think I hate you, despise you…”

And the rest.

“…but…”

What?

“…I don’t…”

Please stop there. Please?

“…have the energy anymore…I don’t care anymore. I can’t even remember how it felt, all the things you did… we did, I don’t remember how to care. I don’t feel anything.”

I run my fingers up from the reflection of my lips to the reflection of tears. My tears. Sometimes I think I don’t have any. Other times I think that they won’t ever stop.

How do I take that? Those words? I’d seen so many things burn in her eyes the last few days, so many hate filled glances that let me know that I was still in there. And now what? Now she was telling me she didn’t hate me because she couldn’t be bothered?

At the moment when she said it I didn’t know whether to fall to my knees and weep out my gratitude, or fall to her knees and punch her fucking face in. I did neither. I did what she’s been doing. Hid my feelings. Hid my self.

It made me glad I had gone in costume. Glad that I had protection with me.

I could feel as my eyes began to sting with the things they were forced to hide, could feel as my body tensed itself the way she makes me tense, everything I want, everything so close… yet further away then ever.

She kept her eyes trained on me, kept them digging through levels looking for my answer. Well I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t be bothered, right?

For a second it did show, just a slip, one breath hitched in throat, one sigh sagging my shoulders, one moment to let myself feel everything and then back to nothing. Back to her.

“Sweet B… nothing’s better then hate right?”

I knew the truth though. Nothing hurts worse then nothing. I want to think she knows it too. I want to think that she lies when she whispers them words to me. I want her to always remember. I want her to stop hating me because she sees me now. I want forgiveness from her. I want her to make me better. I want so much I ain’t ever getting.

Maybe it wasn’t the answer she wanted because she didn’t smile, didn’t shake my hand and bury the past beneath piles of bullshit.

“Can’t we just settle for ‘nothing’s better’?”

I settled for going to the bathroom, hiding away in a stall in the corner, giving a minutes relief to camouflage that was fighting to stay in place. When I heard the door go not minutes later I had the fucked up mentality to dream that it might be her, that she would follow me to make it right… to tell me it was all lies. That she hated me now more then ever. Anything.

The tapping on my door put paid to those thoughts, B would never be a soft tapper, she was always a pounder,

“Faith?”

“Just a second Dawn… what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing’s up… we’re just heading out, going back to mine. Are you coming with us?”

As plans go it wasn’t a good one.

“Thanks kid but no, I got things to do.” I left out gallons to drink. She thought I was a hero, I didn’t wanna dispel the myth just yet. I gasped the air back into my lungs and swung the door open, stood face to face with the reason I was supposed to be here.

“Are you ok? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong Dawn, just beat. Slayer aches and pains, nothing new.”

“Well then you HAVE to come back! Wills and Tara made this stuff for Buffy ages ago which helps with the healing… where does it hurt?”

Would it have been too corny to motion to my chest, my heart? It would have been the truth.

“It’s non specific… it just hurts.”

She looked at me confused, grabbed onto my arm and dragged me along with the rest of them. Slipping me in amongst the crowd as if I belonged there. I didn’t though, I was just pretending. Making smiles where none existed.

I sat on the edge of my seat when we got to the house, filling voids with laughter, all of it a lie. I just wanted out. Wanted to run and not come back.

When I picked up the balls to remove myself I bade a farewell to those who were listening, gazed wistfully at those who weren’t. Tara followed me out, stopped me on the porch with questions of her own.

“Faith?”

I didn’t want to turn, my defences were cracking left right and centre and I just wanted away. I stopped though. I owed her that.

“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

There was a story I didn’t want to begin. “I’m cool Tara, flying high… I just gotta split, things to do.”

She snuck up on me and found a hug, I never would have let her if I’d known. If I knew how good it felt to be cared for. For someone to want to share my pain. I longed for Angel, settled for this one. Let arms hold me close for just a second of release.

When I pulled myself back she was looking at me like she knew. Like she understood everything. When she spoke I was sure that she did.

“Give it time Faith, give her time… she’s hurting, we’re all hurting.” Yet more truth.

And then she said the strangest thing, a hint of a healing smile gracing her lips. Words that leave me here, leave me lost and confused.

“She feels it though. She doesn’t know it… but she feels it.”

I didn’t ask for elaboration, didn’t have anything left to form the words. I left. Couldn’t take understanding eyes no more, so I walked away. Didn’t stop till I got here. Till I found the reflection of all that I’m feeling.

I let my hand fall away from the mirror, sneer at the mascara that stains my face, my defences dropping away, my camouflage shot to shit. Nothing hurts as bad as this. No wait. Nothing doesn’t hurt this bad. Only love hurts like this.

I let my fist travel to the destination it’s been seeking ever since I’ve been standing here. Let it feel the pain as the mirror yields under it’s force. Let my eyes bear witness as I violently fall to pieces. Shards of glass. It’s what I feel like.

She feels it.

She feels nothing.

I slip to the floor and know I can’t sink any lower. I can’t do it anymore. Can’t be strong, mature, all the things that Angel tells me I am.

All I want is to go home. To remember again how good distance feels.

I drag myself up and carry the weariness through to the bedroom. The soft toy still sits there. Mocking me with it’s innocence. I want that innocence so bad. It’s enough to make me fall to the bed, to enclose it in my arms and cling tight to hope, to dreams… to the belief in my own words. Things will be better. I promise.

Andrew tapped the secret knock onto the door of the of the basement and awaited entry. It was late and he was tired but Warren would not be happy if he didn’t report back his latest findings.

It surprised him how easy it had been to gain entry into the lives of these people, they were just so… accepting, like they were used to the odd waif and stray hanging around the place. He wouldn’t tell Warren but he kind of liked being there. It was fun, and they had cookies, and ice cream… and no one called him names. Well other then the dark haired one… but she was always calling people different names.

Willow was easy to watch. She was kind and funny and didn’t seem to mind when he talked endlessly about geek things. Which he did. A lot.

No. He wouldn’t tell Warren. But he did kind of like her.

The door swung open and Johnathan was there, looking brow beaten and worn. “Andrew… finally! Warren’s been waiting for you, he uh…” The boy looked back behind him, checked if he was being listened to. “…he isn’t very happy. You’ve been gone for ages.”

“They have cookies!”

“ANDREW!”

The volume and anger of the yell made him tremble as he descended the steps down into the lair, Warren always made him nervous, made his insides twist themselves into the tightest of knots. He made his way before him and waited for the verbal bashing.

“You’re late… why are you late?”

“I… uh… I was watching, and observing…”

“What did you find out?”

He took a moment to think. He hadn’t really found out much, didn’t know if Willow could be made to do what they wanted her to do… she seemed too nice. Too good to do bad.

“Erm… I…”

“Stop bumbling you fool, tell me about the witch… how strong is she?”

She didn’t look strong. “I didn’t see her do anything ‘strong’… she was just dancing and talking, she talks a lot, and her dancing is kind of individual with a style of her own…”

“Do you think I want a lesson on her dance technique?”

“No… she researches?”

Warren shook his head at him, all the disdain plain to see. He couldn’t wait until it happened, until he became all powerful. He wouldn’t waste his time with these fools then, he wouldn’t need to. Wouldn’t need anything except the power.

“What does she research?”

“Mostly books, she has a computer as well… Apple Mac, orange trim…”

He felt the slap to the head before he saw it. It Didn’t hurt so much as prickle him.

“I meant what does she research you idiot, not where!”

“Sorry… she didn’t say what, I just saw her doing it.”

“So you’ve been gone all night and you haven’t anything for me?”

He wracked his brain, tried to think of anything to placate Warren, it was hard when he was in this kind of mood. Evil emperor with a manic stare. “Her and her girlfriend are kind of back together!”

“That’s it?”

“She bakes cookies.”

Warren distanced himself from the boy in front of him, he didn’t want to kill him. Not yet… but sometimes he made him so mad. Was everyone this stupid?

“So she has a computer and a cookie making girlfriend… ETA on world domination then..? Oh I know… NEVER!” He screamed the last word, making both Johnathan and Andrew quiver in their boots. “This is supposed to be an intelligence operation! I should have known you couldn’t handle intelligent!”

“Well I didn’t want to do it… I SAID I didn’t want to do it.”

“Shut up Andrew.” He collected his thoughts for a moment, wondered at spiking the cookies, maybe mind control drugs… or perhaps the girlfriend was the way in, a weakness. “What’s the girlfriend like?”

“Tara? Oh she’s really nice, a little overt with the public displays of affection, but really nice.”

“A soft target?”

“Target…” For some reason Andrew didn’t like the sound of that, he knew he was supposed to be evil, but Tara WAS nice. “…target for what?”

“It doesn’t matter… I’ll think on it, formulate a plan that even you can comprehend.”

He turned his attention back to Johnathan, smiled a smile that did nothing to reassure. “Are you ready to try again..? Maybe your first grade magic will work this time?”

“I um… I can try.” The smaller boy walked again over to magic charms and spells he had assembled on the floor. He knew he wasn’t powerful enough, couldn’t make channels between dimensions, couldn’t deliver Warren what he wanted, what he needed… but he would try. He had no choice.

He uttered the words with confidence he didn’t possess, tried to make it show that he was trying his hardest, concentrated with everything he had…

The bowl in the middle of his magic circle began to shake, the air turning pungent as smoke slowly started rising up and into the ether… he could feel it coming close, feel the evil wrapping itself around him, looking for an entrance… a vessel, an escape into existence.

“I uh… I think it’s working…”

Warren was by his side in seconds, letting the smoke pour itself out and on to him. He could feel it, feel it calling to him, letting him know it was waiting. Evil was waiting to do his bidding. Just as he was waiting to serve evil. The connection was growing stronger, the air crackling with intensity, the sound of deep screams and torture blending itself with the smoke. He let crazed excitement show itself on his face, this was the moment he had been waiting for… been destined for… his first feel of all that he would become.

As he allowed himself to be carried away by the dwellings of his twisted mind, Andrew was watching in fear. He hadn’t seen Warren look quite like THAT before. He looked… crazy. It scared him. He could feel the power also and that called to him… but it was still very scary. He tried to sink himself into the walls. Didn’t want the smoke to touch him. He Didn’t trust it to touch him.

The explosion shocked them all. What was one minute a small amount of smoke very quickly became a basement full of smoke. It made Warren scream again. Made him angry again.

“WHAT HAPPENED!!!”

Johnathan looked down at the bowl which had split itself in two, at the black liquid that was pouring forth from the cracks and debris. He jumped up, didn’t want it to touch him. It all felt so much… so much more then what he had expected.

“I don’t know… it was fine, and then it was too much…”

“Useless!” Warren fell to his knees amongst the mess and looked longingly at what had almost been made to work. He could still sense it, in the liquid, in the air. He leant forwards, ran his fingers through the stuff, up to his eyes, painting his face. Marking himself. It felt like the right thing to do. What he was meant to do.

When he turned to speak again he noticed the horror on his followers features. As if they were cowering back from him, scared of him. It charged him, made him feel strong.

“Your… your eyes… they…”

But Andrew couldn’t describe it. It was as if the stuff from the floor had seeped through Warren’s skin, slipped to the very inside of him. It was there in his eyes, just blackness, a void… an intense pit of evil into which they would all fall.

When Warren spoke again his voice sounded different. More. It resonated from somewhere, perhaps the evil pit. “My eyes are fine… I can see, see what it will be, what I will be…” He stretched his arms out, flexed his muscles as if for the first time. His mind was working faster, more precise… showing him the way, leading him. “Tara.”

“What..?” Andrews voice was barely a whisper.

“Tell me more about Tara.”

POV Faith

Morning came so quick. One minute I was trying to drown myself in sleep, to avoid thinking and feeling, the next my dreams were chasing me from the night, opening my eyes up on sun shining through blinds. It made me moan, made me groan. I didn’t feel rested. I felt fucked.

My hand was pretty messy from last night, I didn’t bother to clean it, to pull the glass from the cuts and scrapes. I welcomed the pain, invited it in. Some of the wounds had started to heal over, imbedding the glass into skin, letting me know it would be a bitch of a job to sort out. I didn’t care.

Did I mention I’m sick of this shit?

I take myself to the kitchen, grab a glass and a bottle and make for the table. I sit and I look and I’m so fucking tempted. Tempted to wash it all away with the taste of whisky, the quenching of my aching thirst. I unscrew the cap slowly, it’s like a ritual… those few seconds before the burn. I know that drowning the pain doesn’t make it go away, but it helps. It numbs.

I’m just pouring when the knocking starts. I don’t listen, I keep pouring. I don’t need company, this here is all I need right now. All I want. I raise it up to my lips and let my slayer senses unravel the layers of smell, let my tongue touch liquid, head back, throat burning. Salvation.

Doesn’t stop the knocking though. And I’m so tired of being needed.

I get up and walk the way to the door, hissing a breath as my feet step through the glass that lays broken on the floor. More pain. More same. I don’t care.

I’m prepared for everyone, it doesn’t make a difference. It could be Dawn, Tara… hell it could be her, but it doesn’t matter. They’re getting the quickest of good byes and then they can fuck off. Today I won’t be entertaining. Today I just want me time. Call me selfish, I don’t give a fuck.

I swing back the door, glare attached to face. And again I’m shocked. I didn’t expect her. I guess I can still be surprised. She spoke first, but then she was expecting me.

“You look like shit… what the hell happened, I let you outta my sight for five minutes and you turn into a…” She ran her eyes down and over, shaking her head all the way. “…actually I don’t think I have the words.”

“Hi Cordy… great to see you.”

I stepped back and let her in, saw her glance at the wreckage that adorned the passage floor, followed her through to the kitchen and watched her expression as it settled on my liquid companion.

“So we’re drinking before breakfast again..?” Her eyes looked worried even though her tone was admonishing. “I thought you stopped that, you told us you had stopped that.”

What could I say. Things change.

“It’s not before breakfast, it IS breakfast… I wasn’t hungry.”

She pulled a chair out, motioned for me to take a seat. Why not? The glass in my feet was starting to hurt like a bitch. I needed a seat and a damn sight more whisky. I reached for the bottle, she got there first.

“Don’t fuck about Cordy, I want that.”

“I’m not worried about the wanting, I’m worried about the needing.”

She let her fingers take hold of my hand, turned it over in hers, inspected the damage done. “I guess I don’t need to ask what happened to the mirror?”

“It was asking for it.”

“Mirrors do that?”

“This one did.”

She didn’t ask for more, she made a couple of cooing noises as she saw the extent of the mess I had made. “Where’s the first aid kit?”

I pointed again to the bottle. It all made sense to me.

“I’ll make you a deal, you let me sort out that hand and I’ll let you have a drink.” I had told Dawn that Cordy likes to get bossy. I might have played it down a bit.

I got up and hobbled to the cupboard by the sink, pulled out the box that I took everywhere, all things I needed on regular occasions. Placed it before her on the table.

“What’s wrong with your foot?”

“Same as the hand, issues with glass.”

“You want to tell me what’s been going on?”

That made me smile. Possibly in a crazy way. “What’s been going on? Fucked if I know… it’s all bullshit. I’m sick of it.”

She narrowed her eyes, did that peering in thing. “Is it Dawn… I thought you and her were hitting it off?”

“Not Dawn.”

I let the silence speak her name, I knew it would, it always spoke her name to me.

“Buffy?”

Ding dong. Give the girl a prize. “The one and only.”

She took the tweezers from the box, a couple of the bandages. “Angel was worried this might happen.”

“Angel worries about everything… I thought you knew that.”

“Granted, but he was more worried about this.” She smiled to make it easier, took my hand and leant over.

I fucking screamed!!

“Jesus Cordy… you’re meant to be helping…” I grabbed the bottle up from the table, swigged a mouthful or two. “…fuck that hurt!”

“Stop complaining! What are you? A slayer or a baby?”

I grabbed my hand back from her, inspected any damage done. Blood was flowing freely again, the tweezers pulling out glass but re-opening the cuts. Made me wish I hadn’t left it last night. I took a breath, remembered who I was.

“I’ll be your slayer, baby.” And hell yeah I winked. Cordy was a hottie and she damn well knew it. She liked me to show appreciation sometimes. It made her smile.

She did smile, and she laughed and she motioned to the state I was in. “Rain check?”

“I’ll add it to the collection.”

She went slower as she worked at the rest of the cuts, lifted my foot to her lap and gently prised away all the glass there as well. She was quiet whilst she worked and I appreciated it. I wanted to order my thoughts before I spilled them. I knew she would want me to.

“I think that’s it, all done.” She took the rubbish to the trashcan, my glass to the sink. I still had the bottle though, who needed the glass? “Are you gonna hand that over or do I have to wrestle you for it?”

My grip tightened, it would be a fight. “You think you can take me?”

She rolled her eyes, walked over and slipped it from my grasp. I guess that was a yes.

“Come on, I’ll make breakfast… what do you want?”

“Not hungry.”

That stopped her. Made her look. “Okay… now I’m SURE something’s really wrong. You’re not hungry?”

I shook my head. I really wasn’t.

“Straight to the talking then?”

“Maybe some toast?” My appetite was back, what a surprise.

She banged about the cupboards looking for bread, could find only a box of pop tarts. “Will these do?”

“Whatever.”

I watched as she got some plates. Made the tarts. Placed them down. Carried them over. Looked after me. I was SO fucking glad she was here. Sooner then I expected as well. Maybe just in time. I wanted to ask.

“How comes you’re here already? Angel said a couple more days.”

She set the plates down, sat herself down. “It was gonna be, but I don’t know… I had this feeling that you needed me sooner…”

“You had a vision about me?” That would be cool, I always wanted to be in one of her visions. I thought it might spell out my destiny for me if I was.

“No you dork! I just know what Sunnydale can do to the system… to your system.”

“No visions then?”

“Sorry, still not a one… you will be the first to know though, ok?”

I settled for that. I know the PTB can’t run around fulfilling wishes, but I would so like a heads up on what I’m doing, where I’m going. Anything.

“Thanks for coming, now… I missed you guys.”

“Are you about to get emotional? You know I love emotional Faith.”

I slipped beneath her sarcasm, I know it didn’t mean anything. It was one of her defences, we all had something. “You love me?”

I saw her reply about to shoot from her mouth, saw her lips curving up in that cutting grin that is all hers, and then I see her stop. I see her as she sees me. As her words change. “Hey… of course I love you, we all love you.”

I didn’t mean to start again. Didn’t mean to let one tear slip, two tears slip. She came around the table, tucked my hair behind my ear, wiped at my distress.

“What the hell have they done to you?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know if I could explain it to her. Angel knew. Of course he knew. Had always known.

“Nothing… they haven’t done anything.”

“It’s ‘her’ isn’t it..? It’s always her.” I knew that Cordy wasn’t a fan of Buffy’s. I didn’t know if that made it better or worse. I wanted someone on my side, but it didn’t mean I wanted someone against Buffy.

“It’s just screwed up, she hasn’t done anything… I just…”

“You do know she’s way too skinny right? And she’s not a natural blonde… I KNOW highlights when I see them!”

“Huh?” Highlights? Did I miss something?

“Doesn’t matter… I forgot how enamoured everyone always is with Buffy, hoped that maybe that might have faded. I’ve never understood it.”

“I don’t understand it Cordy… it just is, it always has been.”

She rolled her eyes heavenwards. “That is SO tragic.”

I laughed a little. It did sound kind of dramatic. Even to me. “As opposed to your little ‘thing’ with the big guy, right?”

I could play Cordy at her own game, I loved playing Cordy at her own game. She’d never play mine so I’d had to settle, had learnt.

“No thing! There is no thing!”

Now I really laughed. “Moony glances… wistful sighs… thumping hearts…” Nope, that was wrong. “…thumping HEART… stop me if I’m missing something?”

“You’ll be missing something if you carry on.” She narrowed her eyes, it was scary if you didn’t know her. Kinda sexy if ya did.

“You know I’m gonna take you for a tumble if you keep offering!”

“In your dreams slayer!”

I admit… maybe… once or twice. I can’t help my thoughts though, she is damn fine. I gave her a wink, lifted myself from the chair. I felt like shit, wanted a shower. This day was looking up. Fuck it… everything was looking up.

I hobbled my way from the room, the limp not disguising a spring in my step that I thought I had lost. I went back to my room, tore of my clothes. Stood naked before the mirror there.

Just me. No costumes. No camouflage. Just me.

I smiled a little smile at the me in the mirror. I had believed my words and they had come true… things already were better. So much better. I remembered then that believing in myself was the way to go. Angel believed in me. Cordy believed in me… there were even some people here who had found it easy to believe in me.

And If SHE couldn’t? Well… I can’t change that. But I CAN stop it from breaking me.

I’m more then what she defines me as. I know that. I’m not nothing. I’m Faith.

I grab a towel and leave the room, head to the bathroom. I can’t resist poking my nose in on Cordy first though, giving her a little show, a little bit of slayer booty. “Hey, I’m taking a shower… you wanna wash my back?”

It didn’t shock her, didn’t make her blush. It never does. She’s way too cool for that. She ran her eyes across the flesh that I was proudly putting on display, let her eyebrows arch in a question. “Do you treat all your visitors like this?”

“Only the hot ones… you fancy it?”

She stood herself up, walked ever so slowly towards me, fixed her eyes onto mine, let lust burn through. Boy I was sweating. She leant up and whispered in my ear. “Where’s the television? I’ve got some infomercials that need watching!”

I laughed, she slapped my ass. Cordelia Chase. My fucking hero.