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POV: None

The girl was sat alone in the park. Her legs dangling wearily from the swing. She didn’t move to push herself, had no interest in going backwards and forwards, of feeling the wind rush against her face. She was just sitting. Tired.

She felt so alone, so lost. It didn’t seem right. She felt wrong for feeling the way that she was feeling, but she just couldn’t help it. Everything had gone bad. Her whole life felt like some kind of sick joke designed to make her cry, to hurt.

Her mind went to Faith. She wished she could say her saviour but she couldn’t, she didn’t feel saved. Having her here was awesome, she really listened, really cared… but it wasn’t the puzzle piece that she had needed, the bit that was missing. Only her sister could make that pain go away, but Buffy wasn’t there, wasn’t ever there. It’s why she came here.

She figured that sitting alone in a park in Sunnydale after sunset had to be a pretty sure way to get Buffy’s attention. It was kinda creepy though and she was well aware that she stood to arouse more then just the slayer’s attention by sitting there alone, like maybe the things that the slayer slayed. She had a stake, hoped she wouldn’t have to try and use it.

 

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“Big Daddy… come in Big Daddy, this is Dirty Dancer, do you copy me? Over.”

Andrew sat amongst the bushes twirling the dial on his little walkie talkie. He had the girl in his sights, was fully prepared and ready to go. All day he had been envisioning himself as the super cool Patrick Swayze, had raided his brothers closet for his leather and was now just waiting to perform his ultimate act of heroism.

The static from his radio buzzed loud against the silence of the night, caused the prey to look up from the swing, to turn her gaze around the park, eyes darting into the bushes. He turned the volume down, waited to hear words.

“What are you gibbering about Andrew?”

“Not Andrew… Dirty Dancer, I thought of nicknames for our covert operations…”

“Warren will do fine.”

“No! You’re Big Daddy…” He imagined him stood before him all big and powerful.

“Andrew, we don’t need names, we have names…”

“But…”

“But no.” The tone of Warren’s voice left him with no answer. “Now are you in place? Can you see her?”

He was about to confirm when a new voice broke in. “Who am I?”

“Johnathan..?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“Did you put your hand up?”

The boy looked at his hand poking up from the cover of bushes. “Err, yes.”

“Well put it down.” He meekly lowered it back under cover. Berated himself for speaking.

“Andrew?”

“Yeah, I can see her. She’s… sitting on a swing.”

“Johnathan, are you ready to go?”

“Yes.” Now he beamed to himself with pride, Warren hadn’t sounded pissed with him.

“Don’t mess it up!”

And he duly deflated. He cast his eyes around his magic charms, assured himself that he knew the spell needed. Waited for the command.

“I can hear something, I think she might be coming… Johnathan, get ready, Andrew… be brave.” Andrew sat shaking. He could do this, he knew he could.

 

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POV: Faith

I’m trailing along behind them watching their backs. If hate was solid I’d have knocked them both over by now. It’s building as we’re walking and we’ve been walking for a while. I’m not even sure where, I don’t need to look left or right, I just follow her, keep my eyes on her.

I can feel the tenseness sliding down her back and rushing up to meet me. She’s so stiff she might crack, every time he touches her I see her go rigid, watch her skin crawl… it makes me wonder why she doesn’t do something. I would never let that dead fucker touch me. Not a chance.

As we come up to the entrance of the park we all stop at the sudden noise, it’s a scream, but more then that it’s Dawn’s scream. I react first, finding my feet running, I’m not following now, I’m finding.

It’s easy. That girl has one hell of a scream on her. I can see her not far from me, backing slowly away from some glowing purple mass of..? Stuff. It looks more like something from a comic book and I can see her straightening herself to take it on. I see her courage, I see the Buffyness of her stance. If she had the super powers to go along with her toughness I would’ve left her to it, but she doesn’t, so I continued with the heading her way.

Just as I’m about to call her name I hear another sound. It’s a boy to her left coming tearing out of the bushes, he rushes to the front of her, hands on hips, posing in leather… it’s easy to hear his words, it sounds like he’s making a speech.

“Hey babe… don’t worry, I’ll save you!”

Oh come on? What a sweetheart.

The big purple stuff chose that moment to let out a growl, closing the distance between them to a mere matter of feet. If the boy was gonna save he had better get to it, he had one chance to be the knight in shining armour, I was ready to pounce.

I saw him turn round all smiles and cockiness, then I saw his eyes widen, saw him virtually piss his pants. The scream was way louder then Dawn’s, and he had now jumped behind her and was clinging for dear life.

“Hey, get off me!”

She was trying to shake him free and at the same time keep away from the monster. It was proving hard. I chose my time to make an entrance, Spike and Buffy were closing in too and I wanted to make my mark first.

“Yo Dawn, you want some help?”

She looked at me in surprise and then gratitude, cast her eyes at the thing. “Can you get him off of me?”

I had to laugh. I walked forward and yanked him from her back. He was still quivering in fear so I made sure I dropped him gently. Dawn backed away further and I turned to face the foe.

Buffy and Spike were warily sizing him up, obviously working as a team to draw it’s attention. I didn’t care for it, jumped straight in. Landed a solid punch, knocked it to the floor. It didn’t even try and retaliate, just growled some and sat there. I watched as Buffy swung her leg round to connect with its head, saw it snap back. My foot was already raised, ready to stamp, to finish a job. As I brought my foot down to where contact should be it vanished. Like serious. One minute there, the next minute… not. It was freaky as shit.

“Whoa…” I looked to the others, forgot for a second that I hated them both right now. “…you did see that right? I made that thing disappear!”

But Buffy was already looking at Dawn, her eyes narrow and filled with something akin to rage. “You. Home. Now!…” She was almost shaking, I guess from the worry. “…I can’t believe this, that you’re here… alone?”

Dawn didn’t answer, didn’t really look up. She was trying to hide her tears from us I think, I wished she didn’t bother, that she’d let Buffy see how capable of hurt she was.

“Just leave it B, it doesn’t need sorting now does it?”

“It’s not you’re concern.”

“Yeah it is.” I made my way to Dawn’s side, threw my arm around her shoulder. I wanted a talk with her, at that moment I felt like I was in the better position to talk to her. I know what she’s feeling, I know how much she wants Buffy’s attention, but getting it like this just isn’t gonna help her. Buffy with a stick up her ass ain’t nobodies friend. I put a little pressure behind my arm and urged her into walking. “Come on kid, let’s get ya home.” She came my way, Buffy didn’t say anything else. It was her turn to follow me now. The boy was walking along at her side, I don’t know why, I didn’t hear her invite him, but he was still there. He kept glancing around, nervous as fuck. Spike was still there as well, playing the happy humanitarian. I couldn’t wait to tell Angel. Man, he would fucking die. Or at least he might die some more.

 

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Chapter 6

POV: Faith

I approach the steps to the house with my arm still tight around Dawn’s shoulders. My grip stays firm to help her to hold in her sobs, every few seconds another shakes through her and I know how close she is to just breaking down. I want to get her inside first, allow her some dignity. It was a real fucked up stunt she pulled tonight, we all know that, but attacking her now just isn’t right. I’m not gonna let it happen.

B can take it anyway she likes it, but I’m not leaving this house until I’m sure that Dawn is okay. The pills and whisky crap didn’t work, I’m kinda guessing that sitting in the park alone was another veiled attempt at ending it all and that didn’t work… I just wanna make sure that she isn’t looking for third time lucky.

I tap lightly on the door with my foot and only wait seconds for it to be thrown back. It’s Red. She doesn’t even look at me, turns her eyes straight to Dawn, tries to take her in her arms.

“Hey Sweetie, are you ok? What happened?”

Dawn wouldn’t let herself be taken though, just dipped her head forward and hid her answer beneath her masses of long brown hair. I answered for her, I knew it was my place to.

“She’s ok, a little worn out…” I made my way through the door, Willow stepping aside without even giving it a thought. I noticed that, it made me a little happy. “…I’m gonna take her up to her room…”

“Wait!”

I was trying to forget about her. She followed me through the door, the two boys in leather right behind her. It only took two steps for her to be up in my space.

“We’re home now Faith, thank you for helping, really… but uh, you can go now, I’ve got this.”

She was putting this perky little expression on her face, stood there in front of her sister who was literally falling to pieces and she was trying to dismiss me with perky? I figured it was finally time to say something. To stand up and make the point I had come here to make. I was sick of being confused by her, missing my point because of her. I turned to Dawn first, slid my arm from her shoulders and searched out her eyes.

“Go upstairs kiddo, I’ll be up in a minute, I wanna talk to you, okay..?”

She bit on her lower lip, her shining eyes red rimmed as she nodded her head. She didn’t look to the others, just silently trod her way up the stairs. I turned back to Buffy, it was time she remembered what it was like to see the steel in MY eyes. Hear the disappointment in my tone.

“In case you didn’t get it B, I’m not going anywhere…” She went to speak, I held up my hand. “…just shut up and listen, it’s about time you heard this.”

The peroxide vamp dared again to try and find my space, this time I didn’t let him, the door was still open and I helped him though it. She didn’t need this thing to stick up for her, I wanted to hear her words, her excuses.

He tried to come back in and I gave him a look which I knew was fierce. I had been keeping it locked up for ages, but now I was swimming close to the edge. Just the whole fucking vibe from this piece of shit was making me wanna get stake happy. “You better tell your playmate to fuck off B, the only way he comes back in here tonight is as a pile of dust.”

Oh it was a battle of wills! She stared her hatred at me and I just stared at her. I didn’t have hatred, so I gave her nothing. Nothing must be worse then hate cos it was me that eventually won out.

“Spike, go home.” There was no warmth to her tone and that threw me as well. One minute I figure she’s his..? I dunno, buddy? And the next she’s as fucking frosty to him as she is to me. He glared at her, sneered at her.

“I’ll be seeing you, Slayer.”

Did he not know her name?

The other freak in leather was still standing there still looking nervous. I didn’t know what to do with him, didn’t have a clue who the fuck he was. “Hey, you?”

He looked up, couldn’t meet my eyes properly. “Uh, yeah?”

“You think you can find your way home?” He went to nod and then he stopped, drew in a breath.

“I’m a little scared really, could I uh… stay here for a while?”

Give me a break. I looked at Red, motioned to the boy. “Can you fix him a drink? Take him through to the kitchen, I wanna have a quick word with Buffy.”

I looked at them two looking at each other, saw B give Willow the silent nod, the assurance that it was ok to go. “Hey there… I’m Willow…” She smiled the quirky smile and babbled through an introduction. He was all attention as he followed her from the room, in fact it was kinda creepy the way he was looking at her, like he was observing her. Odd.

“So you’ve worked your way back into my home, into my life… isn’t this the bit where we find out that you’re really psycho? When you start killing people?”

Oh good, it was gonna be easy. Ha fucking ha.

“Past mistakes B, this ain’t about that and you know it…” I made my way to the sofa, took my own invitation to sit down. I gestured at her to do the same, she stayed standing. “…you’re the one that’s fucking up this time, and luckily for you I’m here to help.”

The look she gave me almost had me doubting it myself. It did sound kinda farfetched I guess. It’s the hanging with Angel, I’m all about the helping now.

“I don’t want your help.”

“You know that you need it.”

“I know I don’t need anything from you.”

I tried to think about a nice way to phrase it, but there wasn’t one, isn’t one. “So why did Dawn try to kill herself then B? If things are doing so well without my help?”

Now she sat down. Sank down. I wasn’t gonna let it deter me this time though. I had made my eyes empty for this, I planned on keeping them that way. “Sit up, I’m sick of all this self pity crap.”

“What?”

“Exactly what I said B. Sit the fuck up, I want you to listen to me. I listened to you earlier… now you listen to me.”

Her brows knotted a little in confusion as she sat herself up, maybe wondering why she was doing as I said. “I don’t wanna get all touchy feely, this isn’t me getting in your shit, I don’t care about your shit, your little sob story…” It felt harsh, but honest. “…this is about the kid upstairs, the one you’re supposed to love, supposed to care about.”

“I do love her.”

“Touching.” No, really, the emotion was uh… not there. “Only thing is B, with love… you kinda need to show it.”

“What the hell would you know?”

I knew enough to know what happened when you didn’t show it. When you denied it. “I know that at the moment your little sister is probably sat upstairs planning her next method of topping herself…”

“No…”

“Yes. Face it B, whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.”

She wiped at her eyes with her arm, dragged it across her face. Unveiled some fresh contempt. “You just love this don’t you?”

“What?”

“Getting to come here all holier then thou… acting like you’re better then me…” She shot a look of pure filth down her nose in my direction, stifled a faked laugh. “…as if ‘you’ could ever be better then me?”

Her glare was all encompassing and I could feel it prickling my senses. Reminding me of all the misdeeds and pain I had caused. I opened my mouth to speak, to shout her down, make my point, but my mouth was dry. Different words croaked out, words I didn’t want.

“I know you’re better then me, ok? I get that… I always got that.” Who’s was this voice that sounded so pathetic? I mentally kicked myself, pulled it all together. “But aside from that? No… I hate this. I hate that Dawn feels so damn bad and I can’t make her feel better, I hate that I have to be here, away from my friends with people that despise me… and I hate that I have to be near you again.” It slipped out a whisper, she’d never understand why. “None of this is a pleasure for me, the sooner it’s sorted the better for everyone.”

She stood herself up, started pacing the front room. Her thumb was up to her mouth and I wondered if she was chewing a nail, her nerves hurting her as much as mine were hurting me. It was the intensity again. I swear it was always there. She stopped with her back towards me, her words filling the space between us.

“I wish you could see, wish you could understand what it’s like, how much it hurts…” She wasn’t talking to me, so much as at me. “…every second feels like an hour of pain and I try to smile… to laugh… I try to care…” Her voice was creeping down in volume and I had to strain to hear her confession. “…but it’s so hard.” Now she turned, her eyes falling into mine. “I do love her Faith, I know I do… of course I do, but it’s so much… being with her, everything she wants from me, needs from me… it’s too much. I haven’t got it to give, I haven’t got anything to give.”

I stood up, I couldn’t help it. I walked towards her, slowly. A part at me wanted to scream down her selfishness, force her to feel. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I knew how this was gonna go, but I had to do it… whether to prove it to myself again, or just because my heart was telling me to. Her eyes weren’t deterring me with disgust so I pushed forward, tucked the hair behind her ear… like I meant to earlier. She didn’t flinch, so I spoke.

“It’ll be okay, things are crap, I know crap B… but more then that I know about getting better, about second chances…” Her head slowly started shaking, dislodging her hair, covering her eyes again. “…don’t do that, don’t shake your head, don’t just dismiss me.”

“I can’t listen to you Faith, I can’t believe in you.”

“You mean you won’t?”

“I mean I can’t.” The way she was looking at me, I believed her. I backed up, left her some space.

“Let me help with the Kid B, let me talk to her… let me be around her without it causing some kind of major conflict between us…” She looked doubtful, I felt it. “…I’m not saying buddy me up, I’m saying let’s not fight in front of Dawn, just let me be here. Please?”

“You really think you can help?”

“I really think I can help.”

For a moment there was some silence, some consideration. When she spoke again I knew I was in. It wasn’t warm but it wasn’t cold. It wasn’t the same old steel.

“If you can get her to see her counsellor, if you can do that… then fine. I’ll… what? Back off? Is that what you want?”

“This isn’t about what I want B…” I wanted to keep all those thoughts far far away. “…but yeah, a little less hostility, that’s gotta be nice.”

“You get her to see the counsellor then I’ll… ‘work’ on less hostility.”

I had to let out a little laugh, just the way she said it… like it was the most painful thing in the world. Ever. “Oh come on B, it won’t be all bad…” I let the eyebrows out to play, she inspired it in me. “…we can find some fun.”

“Not working Faith… I’m still feeling hostile.”

“Not even a little bit?” I wiggled them again, gave her the smile, the dazzling one. “Cos you look a little less… hostile.”

She shook her head at me, but it was different, not so much disgust as amusement. I quit whilst ahead, I knew my limits. “I’m gonna go up then, talk to her… try and find out what’s going on.”

She did sigh a bit but she also nodded, sat down on the sofa. “I’ll wait here for you, you can tell me how it goes.”

I headed up the stairs with only one thought in my mind. Getting Dawn to that counsellor. I wanted Buffy to work at less hostile, I liked it. And I wanted Dawn to learn to smile a bit more too… maybe a counsellor would help? I wasn’t much for them, but Dawn was smarter then me, maybe she could get something from it. Solve some problems.

 

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I gave a little tap on the door and made my way in. She was on the bed in foetal position, I guess looking for the comfort she’d lost since her family hadn’t been there to hold her in their arms. I wanted to break down for her, to make her know that I really did understand her pain, comforting arms hadn’t often held me either.

I wanted to change that for her, to give her the thing I always needed the most.

“Hey kid..?” She looked up, her face blotchy with the truth of how much she was hurting. I sat down next to her, drew her into my arms and held her tight. Held her close. “Come on now, it’s not so bad… it’ll all be okay, you just gotta give it time.”

It felt so strange. To have someone needing me, relying on me. It made me want to do my best, to be what she needed. I held her close until her cries had faded, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

“You feel better for that?”

“A little, not a lot. My nose is kinda runny now.”

I looked down at my shoulder and noticed the marks from her tears and I guess also her snot. “You know that’s gross?”

She nodded, shot me a look to say ‘what can ya do?’ I didn’t even bother protesting, my shoulders were there for her anytime. I wanted her to know that. Snot or no snot.

I wriggled myself into some comfort on the bed and got ready to talk. I hadn’t pushed with Dawn since I’d been here, had been happy to do what she wanted, to talk about the things which she needed to talk about. But where had that gotten us?

Dawn playing bait in the park after hours. Not a success story.

It was time I took the lead, asked some tough questions, demanded some straight answers. Dawn had to learn that to make things better you had to try yourself. You couldn’t rely on other people to make it better for you… sure, they can help, Angel is all the proof needed on that… but ultimately it has to be a personal choice. You have to want to make it better, be ready to work at it.

I felt so bad. My crap was mostly my fault, I’d had pushes in the wrong direction… but it was my fault. Dawn was here through no fault, yet still she would have to work just as hard to make it right.

Her eyes were focused on me, studying me as I studied my thoughts. I wondered if she was waiting for me to start talking, but then she chose to speak first. “I know you’re pissed at me Faith, I know I screwed up again… and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, it was stupid.”

“Yeah. It was damn stupid, pretty irresponsible as well… but it’s done now. I’m not gonna chew you out, act like I know better… I just wanna know why? You promised Dawn, you said you wouldn’t do that again…”

“I wasn’t!”

“What?” Sure she was. “You want me to believe that you sitting after dark waiting for some hot sucking action wasn’t another… ‘end it all’… attempt?”

“No!” She looked kinda confused by my theory, but to me it still made sense. “I was just… I wanted to, I wanted Buffy to come and find me.”

“You’re kidding me?”

“I swear…” Her head was nodding all vigorously, adamant in her explanation. “…I wasn’t trying that… I don’t want that. Not anymore.”

“Fuck.” She really had some dumb ideas. “That’s gotta be the stupidest damn way I’ve ever heard of getting attention… well, you know… aside from going evil and killing people… but sitting alone after dark? That’s kinda messed up too.”

“I know.” her eyes spoke the confirmation. “Just with Buffy… I feel like I have to go big, the little things sail right by.” She shrugged her shoulders. “She never notices me.”

I thought back over the words that B had given me downstairs. Tried to pull comfort from them to give to Dawn, but there wasn’t any. Dawn needed her and she didn’t feel like she could give. I didn’t have a clue how I was gonna be doing all this helping that I planned on doing.

I went with the best I had. All I had. “She loves you Dawn, and I know at the moment it’s not enough… I know you need more, but you just gotta take that and cling to it.” I tried to make my words have feeling, to convey what I knew. “When someone’s in so much pain that they forget how to feel, how to care… you can’t push them, you can’t force them to feel things that they’re not ready to feel, to deal with things that they‘re not ready to deal with. Just know that she loves you, that she wants to get better.” She had tears streaming from her eyes again, I reached up and wiped them away, cleared a path for fresh ones. “I wish I could make this better for you.”

She nodded again, no vigour now. “So do I.”

The heart that I used to doubt I had was breaking in two. I’d do anything to make this right. Her words when they came were pleading for answers.

“I just don’t get it… I don’t get why she’s so different. What I did so bad that makes her not care.” She looked at me with questioning eyes. “Do you think it’s the dying..? I think it is… I think she regrets it, I think she wishes it was me that had gone… that she made the wrong choice.”

“God no!” She deflated with my refusal of her words. Like she wanted me to confirm it, because then she would know. Would understand what she had done wrong. “Shit kid, come here.”

I took her again in my hold, rocked her as I said words to rebut everything she believed. All the reasons she would think that Buffy wished it was her who had died. I may have witnessed the pain that Buffy was in, seen for myself her own inner turmoil, but never did I get the impression that she wished she hadn’t done things as she had. She only regretted coming back. Not the going.

“Your sisters the most courageous fucking person I ever met Dawn, there’s no way she’d ever give up all that damn heroism to do things different, are you kidding me?”

She giggled a little. “She does like her super hero moments.” She pulled herself then up from my embrace, crossed her legs and started to talk. “She pretends she’s all martyr-girl… but you should hear her sometimes, she goes on and on and on about this time and that time, saving this person and that person… I know the ins and outs of ALL her apocalypses…”

Yeah I could see that. ‘Buffy the saint’ tormenting Dawn with tales of her heroism. I bet it’s damn tough being Miss Perfect’s little sister. “Exactly what I’m saying! Forget that she’s a bit…” I wanted to say vacant, thought about saying blonde. “…uh… distant right now, just remember the good times… make HER remember the good times.”

She sighed a sigh. “I wish mom was here.”

Often I forget just how much she is dealing with. I wonder where she finds her strength. I was a slayer and I never had her strength, never dealt with anything as well as she was doing now.

“I wish your mom was here too, she’d probably have kicked my ass by now, worse then B even… but yeah, your mom would’ve sorted this shit out. Better then I can.”

“At least you’re trying.”

“I have to, I gotta a whole lot of making up to do.”

The way she had started looking at me now made me nervous. Peering in at me with eyes as inquisitive as Buffy’s. “What happened Faith?”

My insides tied their own knots as I considered that one. What happened? Everything happened. My life happened.

“You were there…” I checked my memories and sure enough, she was there. Fucking strange. “…you know what happened. I went bad. I WAS bad.”

“I didn’t mean that… I mean, what happened, before that? What made you go bad?”

What did she want, a debate on nature versus nurture? I was always a fuck up, I perfected it young, I had a lot of time on my hands. “Some things just are what they are, no point dwelling, it’s not what they are now.”

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“Nothing to tell kid.”

She got the pout, I felt myself weakening. “Look, my life story ain’t nothing to go getting excited about ok?”

“But you know MY life story!”

“You’re two years old!”

“Ha! Actually I’m WAY older then that, I was green blobby energy stuff for AGES! In fact I’m way older then you… all of you! So spill…” She grinned as if she thought she had some triumph. “…you tell me your story and I’ll fill you in on being a ball of energy… it’s fascinating stuff.”

How could I not laugh?

I thought about a way to turn it, to make it benefit me to lay it all out. I hated doing that shit, talking about crap that no-one could change. What was the fucking point? It was times I wanted to forget, not fucking share and care about.

“I’ll make you a deal…” She was all rapt attention. “…I’ll tell you my pointless story of existence, you go see that counsellor that B’s got a flea up her ass about. Yeah?”

She narrowed her eyes with a look of mock anger. “That sucks! But… k, deal.”

I held my hand out for her to shake on it. As she did she spat on her hand, welded them together with yet more of her secretions. This kid had issues. “Do I gotta tell you that’s gross?”

She smiled a satisfied smirk. “Nope, you just gotta tell me the ‘Faith’ story. We spat on it.”

I didn’t bother with making myself comfortable before I began, I knew that the words I would be speaking were the kind that made me uncomfortable. Just meet it head on, that’s the only way I could do it.

“So what do ya wanna know?”

“Well… what happened to your mom?” Damn it Dawn! No need to go straight for the jugular. “Did she die too… like my mom?”

I tried to find any similarity between what Dawn had lost and what I had lost. There wasn’t any. I never had what she had had. I tried to keep my voice steady, to take away any feelings. I was prepared to share a little with Dawn, but I wasn’t about to break down doing it.

“No… nothing like yours. Your mom was ace, the fucking best.” I couldn’t stop the bitter laugh that crept from my lips. “Mine was the worst, real bottom of the barrel shit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No need, she was sorry enough for all of us.” I lay down across her bed, focused my eyes up to that place far away, not here, long ago. “She wasn’t like the bad mom’s ya see on TV, she didn’t beat me all the time and shit, she didn’t shout and curse all day… to me it was worse then that.”

I remembered the times when I would go for days without being spoken to, see nothing in my mothers eyes that made me feel loved. “She just stopped caring, figured I wasn’t worth taking the time on…” I felt that small again, that pointless. “…so I started acting out, giving her a reason to notice me. I’d steal shit, ran with a bad crowd, fucked about with boys, dropped outta school… nothing made a difference though. Bitch wouldn’t have cared if I’d just upped and died.”

“What about your dad?”

“What about him? He walked out on us, nothing different to most kids, nothing different to you.”

“So you had no-one? The whole time?”

“Hard to miss what ya never had kid…” I gave one of those sighs, I was getting used to them now. “…and I had a few buddies, a few guys that looked out for me. It did.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah. And then she died. Dunno what happened, I wasn’t there, I stopped going home all the time… there wasn’t any point. I could always find a willing bed to stay in, some shit to eat… meant I didn’t have to remind myself what home wasn’t like.” I can still see the woman that was waiting back at our place, I went for clothes, she told me that I was going with her. Foster care. Like fuck. “They tried to take me in, put me in some placement with a nice family, but I forgot how to do nice… I was all badass and loving it.”

“Where did you go?”

“Nowhere, everywhere. Laid low, got high, got laid. Got called. End of.”

I sat up, this was doing my head in. Playing confessions with a kid wasn’t my idea of fun, I’d given her enough to make the deal stick. I’d done what I had to do. That was all. No more. I could feel my own eyes stinging from the want of release, but I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t cry for that time, any of it. It was old and done.

She didn’t look satisfied though, looked annoyed at me for trying to end it there. “But what about then, when you got here… with Buffy, tell me about you and Buffy?”

“Me and Buffy..?”

“Yeah, I don’t get the aggro… I mean I get it now, she really was pissed at the body snatch and killing thing… but why before that?”

“You’ve got way too many questions for a kid.”

“Inquisitive minds are the minds of the future.” I gave her a look. “It’s true, the principle says it at the end of every assembly. It’s inspiring.”

“Well go get inspiration somewhere else, I’m all out of stories.”

“But Buffy NEVER tells me the juice on that one, never did… all I get is the Faith rap sheet, tell me what happened, why it happened?”

“The deal wasn’t that, I’m not the one looking for a counsellor.” She looked disappointed, I looked firm. “No Dawn, and don’t bother with the pout. If I ever wanna talk about that shit it’ll be with Buffy… and I won’t ever wanna talk about that shit, ok?”

“Whatever.”

“Sulker.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Not.”

The light tapping at the door stopped it from descending into anything childish. It was Willow. She smiled that little smile that was all hers. Directed it strangely at me. “Faith, Dawnie…” She came in and sat with us on the bed, it was getting kinda crowded. “…you guys all talked out then?”

Uh… how did she know that? I gave her a look, saw that she had listened. I shook my head, tutted disgust. “That’s low Red.”

Dawn just gave us a confused look, Willow offered apology. “Wait… I wasn’t, I didn’t… I just checked you weren’t talking about anything before I knocked, but you were… so I waited. But I didn’t listen. I just kind of… heard?”

“Great, wanna give me a hug and say it’s all ok, tell me it’s cool I’m a fuck up cos my childhood went to shit?”

“No… I didn’t…”

“Save it Red, doesn’t matter anyway, it’s in the past.”

She gave me a look I didn’t want. I hated trading on sympathy, it made me feel weak. I glared in return, made sure she understood the message.

She rose from the bed and kissed Dawn on the top of the head. “I love you sweetie, you know that right?”

The kid to her credit nodded. She dealt with sentiment a whole lot better then me. “I love you too Willow, thanks.”

“No thanks needed, you’re kinda easy to love.”

I forgave her then for being an eavesdropping ass. We were on the same side. When she turned her attention back to me I smiled at her, let her know I was over it.

“Buffy’s waiting downstairs, I’m hitting the sack…” She turned again as she went to close the door on us. “…this might not mean much, but I’m glad you’re here.” She smiled again. “You’re not so bad.”

I guess I looked at her confused. I was confused. “Right. Uh… thanks.”

When the door clicked closed I stared at Dawn in amazement. “I’m not so bad..? Did I just hear Red say I’m not so bad..?”

“Yep… that’s two down.”

“Huh?”

“I’m keeping score… we’ve still got Xander and Anya, but they’re easy, just talk about weddings…” Weddings? What did I know about weddings? “…and sex, Anya loves the sex talk!”

“She talks to you about sex?” Who was this woman?

“No, not me specific, she talks to EVERYONE about sex.”

“And she’s with Xander? She must dig a different kinda sex to me, either that or the boy has learned some.”

Her laughter made me realise that was probably inappropriate conversation. I tried back peddling. “Not that he wasn’t a stallion… ya know, big ol’ Xander, stud muffin. Completely.”

I guess that wasn’t so good either.

“Don’t tell Anya that, she’ll think that you want him again!”

Oh please. “No way Dawn, I do sit ups these days when I’ve got a spare seven minutes.”

She laughed again, I cringed again. I wanted to shut up now. “Enough!” She just laughed harder.

“Come on Dawn, B will think we’re having a party she if hears your noise, the fun stuff will just piss her off.” She raised her eyebrows in dismay.

“But pissing her off is what I do, I thought you knew that?”

“No Dawn, pissing her off is what ‘I’ do… you need to stop doing it.”

The laughter from a minute ago was replaced by sombre silence. “I know, I wanna stop it… but sometimes it’s just easier, to act out, to get attention.”

“You know I know, but trust me… being good is much better. You try good and see where it gets us, ok?”

“Being bad isn’t working out so well, I could give it a try.”

“It will be better, I promise.”

Now I just had Buffy to work on. Daunting to say the least. I wanted a fucking badge from Angel if I managed to pull all this shit off. I could see her eyes getting weary rather then sad. “Get to bed kid, I’ll go tell B I got you to agree to a counsellor, should ease her off you a bit… me as well I hope.”

“Okay… night then.”

I stood up, ruffled her hair the way she hated it. “Night you, sleep tight and all that crap.”

“You really need to work on that.”

I shrugged my shoulders, I was trying. “Sweet dreams?”

“Thank you.”

I gave her a wink as I closed the door. Took a deep breath as I prepared to face Buffy. I hated the way that days in Sunnydale always seemed so much longer. The drama in them enough for a lifetime, let alone just a day.

I trod softly on the stairs, mindful of the late hour and the quiet in the house. The glow from the TV accentuated my slayer sight and I could see the shadows as they bounced across her peaceful features.

I eased my way over and softly took the remote from her grasp, I should of guessed she’d hog the thing, even in her sleep. I didn’t know whether to wake her. I wanted to see her eyes as they opened on me, to see them before they remembered me. I didn’t wanna force that moment of intimacy though. I’d made a habit of taking things from her, I didn’t ever want to take from her again.

I switched the box off, plunging the room into a darkness that I still had no trouble negotiating, I reached across her and grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa. Shook it out and lay it over her. Her hair had fallen back across her eyes a little and I couldn’t resist, had to have one undisturbed moment of looking at her wholly, totally, without any of the shit.

My gaze was stuck on her as I whispered a silent prayer for my feelings to go away. It wasn’t right that it still felt like this. I couldn’t take things still feeling like this. Even with all the things I had taken from her… it just didn’t sit fair that she had taken my heart. Anything else but that.

I wanted to trace lips with fingers, to make smiles with touches. I didn’t though, of course I didn’t. I whispered words I truly meant. For both of us.

“Sweet dreams.” I kissed the tips of my fingers and placed them against her forehead. Hoped that somewhere away from everything she felt it, knew that I meant it.

I left there and sped my way home. There wasn’t much night left to have time on my own, to drink, to forget. I smiled at the knowledge that Angel would be up, would probably be sat alone wondering at his own life. His own existence. We made a happy pair.

I dialled the number and listened to two rings.

“Hello Faith.”

“Hey big guy… the psychic powers still working for ya then?”

Of course it was me, who else would it be? I liked to get a dig in though, there was a certain psychic power that I knew he was interested in. It was called Cordy.

I listened to the tones in his voice, his words spoke with quiet wisdom. They lulled me, they made me feel safe.

We kept our vigil for each other until the sun started to rise. Talked away the darkness that often haunted us both. Saying goodbye was hard. I really did miss his presence.

“Thanks for the chat, I mean it… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It works both ways Faith, you give as much as you get.” He always said that, it was hard to think that he relied on me too though. It was odd.

Once the call was through I went to my bed and sank myself down. I wanted sleep. But most of all I wanted the sweet dreams.

 

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