Chapter 3

Faith POV

I’m never drinking again. Fuck it. I’m never opening my eyes again. I raise my hand to my head and wipe the crusted hair from my face, it’s nasty, it smells of vomit and whisky and brings vague recollections of my evening spent hugging the toilet bowl. I didn’t plan to get so wasted, I planned to dull the pain. I guess this kinda pain takes a lot of dulling, right?

After speaking to Angel I finished what drink I had here, making slayer fast work of the beers and Jack, but I could still remember. Remember the way she looked at me, the hate, the venom… the seconds that she showed me something else. Hope resting on half smiles and quirking eyebrows. It’s just so pathetic.

I don’t wanna have hope. Don’t want wishes. I just want to know what it’s like to stand before her and not feel like everything, my world, revolves around her. I thought I had it beat. LA was my friend. I managed to push the sensations away with the memories of her words, the knowledge that I was now nothing to her making it easy to disregard the things I knew deep down in my soul. She blew it all away in seconds.

As soon as I raised my eyes I was sure.

I had imagined the moment, the one when I would lay my sights on her again, and it had always been hard. Always been empty. I imagined I’d pass her in a street one day, middle of fucking nowhere… and she’d look, and she’d shake her head. And she’d walk right on by. And I’d keep walking too. Wouldn’t care, wouldn’t glance back. But it didn’t happen like that, didn’t feel like that.

I was praying for her to jump the counter, to know I meant that much at least, that I was worth taking the time to beat the crap out of. I didn’t think she’d do it… not really. Must be like I said, I DO know how to push her buttons.

What a proud boast.

I run my hand up to my jaw to check whether she did any lasting damage. It’s a little sore, but then her punch is like a fucking sledgehammer! I’m hoping no bruising, no-one ever managed to bruise me up like B did. Pissed me off more then once. Same as it would piss me off if she’d bruised me now. Maybe when I open my eyes I’ll see.

Where was I? Oh yeah… I drank all that shit to make me forget the things which seeing her had made me remember, but it didn’t work. I went out for more, a whole fucking lot more. The jerk in the store didn’t wanna serve me, then I showed him the dollar. Money talks. I had more whisky then a boatload of sailors could drink in a month, and I damn well drank the lot! Hence the vomiting, so maybe not such a good idea.

It numbed the skull though. I rang Angel again, I think I freaked him out. I do that sometimes when I let my mouth run away. He doesn’t like hearing about my Buffy hang ups, calls them obstacles I need to get past. I explained what I’d like to do with whipped cream and Buffy. That’s when he went quiet. I didn’t mean what I said when I mentioned putting the nozzle actually up there and squirting… but I was drunk! I think he’s gonna send one of the others to keep an eye on me.

It’s like being told you need a baby sitter.

Maybe he’ll send Wes. That’d be a blast. The guy still can’t look at me for too long without sweating. It’s makes me feel so bad, and I’ve apologised for ever… but I scare him. It sucks. Time was I would’ve probably gotten off on that. In fact I know I would have. Now it makes me feel like crap.

Cordy would be funny. It’d be like a double shake up of the Scoobs. Imagine poor Xander facing not only me but Cordy as well? Maybe I should ring Angel and request it? SHE’S not scared of me. Maybe a little wary, but she knows me a bit better now, I let her know me a bit better. I don’t wanna hurt people, I never wanted to really hurt people, I just got lost for a while there… she gets that. She’s never said she forgives me, but then I never asked. She just lets me share her space without scowling all the time and bitching at me. I think she likes having another chick around. I mean… Fred’s cool… but she’s… different.

I tried to buy her a burger once, she went nuts. Something about cows. I asked Cordy and she said something about she used to BE a cow. I can’t picture it, she’s really kinda cute, but maybe she was? Cordy wasn’t really speaking to me then, was still cowering in my presence, so I never got the elaboration.

I got out pretty much when she got here. From the farmyard maybe? Angel did his Buffy grief and went to shit, which left Fred the only person who’d really speak to me. Not that she spoke much. She wrote a lot, on the walls and stuff. I just used to sit there wondering where she came from and whether the numbers on the walls meant anything to anyone other then to her.

Wes liked to pretend he got it, but he looked as confused as me.

Maybe he’ll send Gunn. Someone who hasn’t got a past with these people. He’s cool. I had to put him on his ass a couple of times, he wasn’t so sure that a girl could possibly be as strong as I professed… but I showed him. And now we hang. His easy, doesn’t wanna get in my bullshit, just takes me as I am.

We got down and dirty once. Pretty much after I put him on his ass. That boy was as fluid as chocolate syrup pouring over my body… it was awesome, hot, but you know me. Not so much about the long term. He took it well. I think he got a little misty eyed, but then I am a revelation. He bought me a beer, whipped my ass at pool. We healed.

The pressure in my bladder is begging that I take a piss, but I’m still not so keen on the moving. Maybe if I could do it without opening my eyes.

My whole body feels like it wants to die as I lift myself from the sheets. The grounds a little sway-y and I have to steady myself before I walk. It really is a fucking trauma. NEVER drinking again. Not today, that’s for sure.

I’ve left a pretty gross mess on the floor in the bathroom, seems my aim suffers when I’m in the process of emptying the contents of my stomach. Who would’ve thought it. I know I’m not gonna enjoy clearing that shit up. Makes me wish I had gone for hotel… had room service and a maid.

The last thing I feel like doing now is going to see B. Even the whisper of it in my mind is enough to have me freezing from the apprehension. Last night was screwed. There was no way of knowing what seeing her today would be like. Maybe she WILL beat me. Maybe I’ll let her. Gotta be worse ways of taking some pain. But then maybe she’ll give me a chance.

Maybe seeing me has spun her pretty little head out as much as it has mine. It’s got to have made her think, just a little, right? Even that tiny exchange was charged with something, and not just the static, but the thing that makes the static, that connection. Call it chemistry. We always had it. And it was still fucking there, making me crazy. Making her crazy?

Maybe she’ll listen to me. Listen to what I have to say about Dawn. Tell me what’s wrong, tell me if I can make it better. I’d probably do anything to make it better. Just tell me.

I have to fucking laugh at that one. Like I could ever make anything better for her… lets take a look at the track record… Hmmmm… whatever. But maybe I can help make things better for Dawn. I’ve gotta be able to get something right.

I’m gonna take a shower, get my wits about me and head on over there. I’m not waiting for sundown today, I want to bump into Buffy. I want to know what happens next. If anything happens next. I’ll put a call into Angel as well, let him know which of the gang I want him to send. It can only be a good thing having someone on my side, and I know that they’ll be on my side AND I know they won’t take any shit, not from anyone. This place needs that. It’s always been so full of shit.

My nerves from the day before have been replaced by something else, something which feels a damn sight worse then nerves. It feels like my insides are twisting around and around and I swear I’m gonna be sick again any minute. That’ll piss her off. Bet she’d make me clean it up before she kicked my ass.

I’m trying so hard to make myself knock on the door that I end up banging louder then could ever be necessary. It makes me jump back, proving just how on edge I am.

At least it doesn’t take long for the door to crack open, just a little at first and then the whole way. There she is. The one that’s been making me question everything about myself, everything about us. She’s got her hair down and I notice it’s been cut pretty short, shorter then I’ve ever seen it. Looks pretty adorable and I wanna say it. I dare not though. Her eyes have retained all their steel from yesterday and I know that she’s not standing there waiting for compliments. I could give them though. Could tell her how god damn beautiful she is.

“I thought I told you yesterday. I don’t want to see you.”

That’s a good start. No overt hostility.

“I’m not here to see you B, I told Dawn I’d swing by, I don’t wanna disappoint.”

The look she gives me makes me wish I hadn’t used them words. I can see all her disappointment and I can feel the start of the same old story. This is gonna go the same old way. She’s gonna curse, I’m gonna curse and then we’ll probably hurt each other some. I wish she’d learn how to get bored of it all.

“What makes you think that I’d ever let you see my sister?”

She does look genuinely intrigued so I try to think of a valid answer.

“Because this isn’t about you… this is about Dawn, she wants to see me, and if you care about what she wants then you’ll let her.”

I didn’t mean to make her laugh. My comedy was always a little off the wall, but I couldn’t see the joke in that. I was trying to be honest.

“You really expect me to believe that this isn’t about me? That this isn’t another sick and twisted way for you to fuck me over?” She pauses for a moment and I can see the hate flashing in her eyes again. “I KNOW you Faith, and I know what you’re about. I won’t let you do this to me again.”

“Get off your high horse B…” Now I have to laugh a little. “…you really do think everything’s always about you.”

“I think it’s time you left.”

“I think it’s time you told Dawn I was here.”

“Don’t push me Faith.”

It was tempting. Just a little push.

“You know I’m not leaving until you tell her I’m here.”

“And you can tell that to the officer that they send round when I call for the police.”

“Aw come on B… surely you know I got a thing for guys in uniform? That kinda talk just makes me hot, makes me wanna hang around longer.”

I really wasn’t leaving without seeing Dawn. I didn’t care who she called.

She pushed a little disgust into her tone, I was used to it. “I see you’re still a slut then Faith, nice to know things don’t change.”

Oh come on? I hadn’t got laid I ages! I almost told her that, figured it wasn’t worth the effort.

“And I see you’re still a bitch… it IS oddly comforting.”

“Why won’t you just go away? I don’t want you here, I don’t need you here…”

“And this isn’t about YOU!”

I was starting to get a little agitated. Brick and Wall came to mind. It was like talking to one, and I kinda wanted to smash my head against one too.

Before she could answer we could hear the footsteps coming down the stairs… she looked like she might close the door, I put my hand up, pushed it further open.

“Dawn! You’re up, great… wanna hang?”

At least I could make one Summers girl’s eyes light up with my presence.

“Hey Faith, I was wondering when you’d get here. Love to hang.”

She went to grab her coat and found her way barred by Buffy. They had a two second tug of war before Buffy yanked the thing clean from her hands.

“You’re not going out Dawn, you know what the doctor said…” She was speaking so matter of fact to her, no wonder the kid felt a little in the cold. “…you’re kinda grounded as well. At least until you’re fifty.”

“You can’t ground me!”

“I just did!”

Dawn looked to me then, I dunno… you could see her frustration, that inability to have any effect on your own existence. I knew where she was coming from. Totally different sitch, but the feelings the same. When you can’t control the everyday things that’s when it starts going to shit, ya start looking for things you can control. Make some bad decisions.

“Look B…” she does turn to look and I forget what I want to say. For a second she looks so tired, so fucking exhausted… and I wonder. Maybe she feels a little lost too.

“What?”

I shake my head to clear it and focus on the kid again, make myself remember my point.

“Can’t you just cut her some slack? I’ll stay here ok? We’ll hang out in the yard…”

“So now you want me to invite you in?”

“I’ll invite her in…” Dawn looks at me and smirks. “…come on in Faith.”

You have to admire the girl, she’s got herself some balls. Doesn’t look to be impressing Buffy though and I prepare myself to duck and cover.

“Get back up stairs Dawn…” her voice lets us know that she isn’t messing. But Dawn’s face isn’t messing either. “…Faith is not, and never will be, welcome here.”

“Yes she is!”

“No Dawn, she isn’t.”

“Oh for fucks sake B!…” Now she looks back at me like she had forgotten I was even there. “…really, what do you think I’m gonna do? Throw her over my shoulder and steal her away? Have you HEARD her scream?”

I tried to keep it light, tried to get Buffy to see past the aggro.

“Was that meant to be funny?”

“I THOUGHT it was funny!”

“DAWN!”

This is going nowhere. I don’t wanna leave, I really want to spend a little time with the girl, chat some. Just chill. But Buffy isn’t easing up. She’s starting to look more pissed off and I figure Dawn’s gonna be the one that has to suffer. Maybe I should just back off?

“Look… this is dumb…” I take a step back to telegraph my plans. “…I’m just gonna head, I dunno Dawn… maybe I can catch you after school, tomorrow?”

“Did you not hear me? I don’t want you near her!”

God I could hate her again.

“I’m just gonna ignore her Faith ok?” She moves to Buffy’s side and fixes her eyes firmly on me, I catch the little glint in them, makes me think she’s enjoying this little spar with her sister. Maybe it’s nice for her to feel like B gives a shit. And I know that one… disappoint to get a reaction. Usually works. “I can’t meet you after school… I’m not technically back at school yet, but Buffy has work later…” She turns her head to her sister who looks like she’s trying her damn hardest not to strangle her. “…maybe you could come back then?”

What do I say? Buffy has trained those daggers on me now, seems like she’s pretty interested too.

“I… uh…”

“What she means is ‘no.’”

Well that sealed it for me. “What time suits ya?”

“I guess after tea? Willow has a ‘thing’ with Tara… ya know, a ‘lets talk over all our problems and cry for hours’ thing… and I don’t have homework… so what about seven?”

“Perfect.”

I could see B getting more and more pissed, I didn’t blame her, I did deserve it, but I just wish she would stop. Step back and I don’t know… give me a chance?

She turned her gaze to Dawn again, changed her tactics from shouting. “Why are you doing this Dawnie? Is it to hurt me? Is that it..? Is this some kind of punishment..?”

I told ya! Everything has to be about her!

“I know things have sucked lately… and I know it’s been hard, we’ve all made mistakes, but don’t do this, ok? Don’t think that she cares about you…”

“She cares more then you do!”

I watch as she raises her hand and traces it across Dawn’s cheek. I can sense as she pulls in a breath, can hear the weariness in it, and for a moment it flashes in her eyes. I get how hard this is for her too, how fucked up it is for everyone. I know I can’t, never could… but a bit of me does long to make it better.

“Dawn, can you just go inside for a minute? Let me speak to Faith alone?”

I see she doesn’t want to, I understand why. It must feel like the grown ups are cutting her out, sending her away so they can make the decisions about her. Without her.

“It’s ok Kiddo, I won’t go without saying bye, alright?”

She seems to take a little heart from my words and moves herself back inside. I reckon she’ll still hang around to listen. I sure as hell would.

“Why are you here Faith? Really? Why now?”

“You know why B, Dawn wanted me here… I figured maybe I could help her out, make her feel better.”

Her eyes glue themselves to the floor and she doesn’t speak for a long time. I wonder what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. “I should be able to make her feel better. I should never have let this happen in the first place.”

Was she opening up or something? Was I meant to hug her?

I raced my way through every phrase I had ever heard, hoped I picked the right one. “It’ll be ok B… you wait and see, time heals everything right?”

I can see her searching my eyes so I try to keep them steady. It’s hard though, having her staring at me, looking inside of me. All of a sudden it’s like she’s found me wanting, I see the shutters come down, her shoulders square up. “No Faith, not ‘everything’. Some things go to shit forever.”

Yeah. That’s what she said. And don’t worry, I know she’s talking about me.

“It doesn’t have to be that way.” I feel like I’m talking in code. And I think I’m offering the proverbial olive branch.

“Yes it does. I want it that way.” And I think that that was a ‘no’. A rejection.

“Which brings us back to Dawn…” I didn’t want her knowing that I gave a shit, that I cared if she was ready to bury the past. “…the kid needs a friend B, and you may not like it, but I’m it.”

“I really DON’T like it… how can I trust you? She’s my sister, Faith.”

What could I say? I don’t have the reasons, or the answers. Maybe she shouldn’t trust me… maybe I would fuck up again? “Buffy… B… I’d never hurt her. When I heard, that night… what she did…” It all comes flooding back, that second in LA when we had all heard her pain, what she had done. “…I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t believe it.”

“You heard that night..?” I see the puzzlement. “…I thought Angel was the one who rang?”

“Well I was hardly likely to. But yeah… she rang me, we knew.”

For a moment I can see fury building up in her stance. “Why the fuck didn’t you let us know? Jesus Faith!…”

“Whoa hold on there girl, we didn’t hear till after, and Angel rang as soon as…”

“So it’s you?”

“What?”

“That Dawn’s been talking to? I should’ve guessed. God knows why I believed she was getting comfort from an over-aged vampire. But you..?”

She really was down on me. “Yeah… me. Sucks right?”

“It all sucks Faith. Everything.”

Never a truer word was spoken. I decide to try again. Appeal on Dawn’s behalf.

“Look, Buffy… I know ok, I know you hate me, I get that, I deserve that… I’m not asking you to stop, just give Dawn a break…” I have her attention, it’s a start. “…let me be there for her, just for a bit. I swear I won’t do anything to hurt her.”

I wonder if I should get down on my knees and beg. I probably would if it wouldn’t fill my head with thoughts of every other thing I’d like to do down on my knees. To her.

I see her sigh, it deflates the whole of her body.

“God what does it matter anyway, right?… It’s not like any of us have done any good… since mom it’s just been so…” she breaks off and looks past my shoulder. Out into the nowhere.

“So ‘what’ B?”

She gives a little hollow laugh, gives me the empty eyes. “Crap. It’s all been so crap.”

I have to wonder if there’ll ever be a day when she doesn’t break my heart. I can’t show her that though, she’d have no interest in that. “Things are what they are, ya gotta learn to roll with the punches.”

“Like you?”

“Something like that.”

At this moment it seems like everything has stopped. I can’t hear any noise, not a thing, the air it seems has even stopped it’s gentle blowing, like time just upped and froze.

She’s looking at me, I’m looking at her. I don’t know what to show her. I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep myself in one piece… or if I’m ‘sposed to show her the truth? I always wanted her attention, I used to crave it. Now I’d give anything to stop those eyes from boring into me.

“Okay.”

“Huh?”

“You can see her. I don’t want you here when I’m here, I don’t wanna see you… but I work a lot, you can come by then.”

“Thank you.” And I really mean it. I never thought that Buffy could see past herself. I guess I was wrong.

“This isn’t for you, it’s for Dawn…” Her voice gets a little emotion, a little crack over the words. “…I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s just so hard.”

I take a step forward. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t mean to, didn’t plan to, it just happened. One minute I was further away from her, the next I was inches from her, close enough to touch. I guess it spooked her.

“What are you doing? Get away from me Faith.” It sounded like she was pleading, it sounded odd. What did she think I was gonna do for Christ sake?

“Chill B, fuck… I wasn’t doing anything.” But I’ve lost her. Any minute that it seemed she didn’t want me dead is over, and I see the shutters as they slam back down across her face.

She opens her mouth and the monotone spills straight out. “I’ll get Dawn, you say goodbye, tell her you’re coming back later.” As she turns to walk inside, she remembers one more thing. “And Wills and Tara will be here, so no funny ideas!”

Funny ideas? I wasn’t feeling much fun.

Dawn thinks I’m a fucking hero when she gets back. She’s all full of a ‘We sure showed her’ attitude. But I didn’t feel like that. I felt kinda… I dunno, crap. I promise to return, tell her I’ll bring over pizza, maybe rent a movie. She’s all smiles. And I just wish it was catching.

Chapter 4

POV Tara

It feels so right to be in her space. It feels like everything I’ve been missing. Everything I’ve ever needed. I’ve only been here for five minutes yet I can tell already she as nervous as anything. She stumbled over every step of her hello and when she reached around me to help me take off my coat I could see as her cheeks flushed red. I like it when she blushes, it reminds me of those first few months, before she was really mine, but when I used to dream that she would be. She used to blush a lot back then. All wariness and confusion.

I’m forever grateful that she got over it. Now I just hope that I can get over mine.

It’s not a question of whether I want to be with her, I NEED to be with her. It’s just a question of whether I can live with being with her. The things that she done, the boundaries that she played with… they’re things that should never be taken lightly, should never be fooled with. And my mind..? Wasn’t it enough for her to be in my heart..?

I just wish we could go back. That all this talking, hurting… all the pain, I just wish it could be over, that she could take me up stairs to our room, to our bed and kiss it away. Make the passion in her touch more then just a treasured memory. But this is important.

I guess it’s like building a house. You have to get the foundations solid or it all comes crashing down. I sound like Xander. I’m gonna stop thinking.

I’m sitting on the couch waiting for her to bring me a drink. It’s taking a while because Dawn is pestering her about watching a movie. She wants us to go upstairs so she can watch TV downstairs. From what I can hear through the doors, Willow isn’t ready to take me upstairs. It would be a bit soon. Maybe.

As she comes in with the drink she’s still babbling away to herself.

“…and she just goes to work and leaves me here to deal with it? Is she mad? I know I’m a big bad Wicca but… well I can’t DO that stuff anymore…”

She looks at me now and her eyes go wider.

“…not that I want to! No way mister! I’m all about the given up… no magic here!”

I hold my hand out to her to encourage her to give me my drink, it’s sloshing over the sides with the level of her excitement, and I’m worried there won’t be any left for me.

“Huh..? Oh right! Drink…” She hands it to me managing not to throw it at me and carries on her speed talk. “…But how does she expect me to protect Dawn without magic? I know you can do magic… but you shouldn’t have to, I’M in charge here. I just don’t understand why she said it’s ok? Do you think she’s finally lost it?”

I think she may have forgotten that I have no idea what she’s talking about.

“Willow..?”

“Yeah?”

“Who’s lost it? And what are we talking about?”

“I didn’t tell you..? I thought I told you… Faith! She’s back. Here. And she’s coming to see Dawn… and I have to watch her!”

“Faith?”

The name was very familiar. It was niggling something in the back of my mind.

“You know! Big bad ass slayer Faith? Body stealing psycho Faith!”

Of course! I think maybe I should thank Faith for that one. It made way for the perfect piece of sorcery. I let my mind visit there quickly. The soft feel of skin, her hand as it trembled against mine. Her heat. Her power.

It was a night I would never forget. But Faith..? Here? It sounded kind of dangerous… like maybe Buffy should be here babysitting and not us.

“Is sh… she dangerous?”

“NO! She’s not!”

And here comes Dawn to join the fun. She’s wearing the same pout that Buffy is so fond of, it’s just as adorable and just as persuasive. I can’t believe what she did the other night. It hurts me to think that she feels that lost, that alone. It shows how bad a job we’ve all done, how messed up we’ve been in our own problems. It’s so easy to forget though sometimes, living on the hell mouth. You lose sight of the little things. The important things.

I give her a little smile. “How do you know sweetie?”

“What does it matter? No one listens to me anyway!”

Willow is pleading with me using her eyes. I know all of her expressions and this one is asking for help. She wants me to calm Dawn down, to make it better. To say the right words.

“I listen to you. Come and sit down and tell me… I promise I’ll listen.”

She teenage struts her way to the sofa and throws herself down in a gesture of disenchantment. If things hadn’t been so serious lately it would’ve been something which made me smile. Now I just want to make her smile.

“So what’s up? I take it, it has to do with… Faith?”

She glares up at Willow, letting her know how passionate she is in what she has to say.

“Yes. She’s coming to see me and all everyone wants to do is be down on her! Like no one else never made a mistake…”

“She killed people Dawnie.”

“Well YOU nearly killed ME!”

She has a point.

“Yeah I know… and you know how sorry I am, how much I regret that, but it’s different…” She looks as if she’s ordering her thoughts, picking her words. “…Faith meant to do everything she did, she liked doing the things she did… she’s evil Dawn, and that’s something which doesn’t just change.”

“How do you know?” Yes, I had to ask.

She turns to me in surprise as if she assumed I would be on her side. But I really want to know. If Dawn has found something redeeming in Faith then who are we to dismiss that? I remember I’d always found the details surrounding Faith kind of..? I don’t know. But everyone has such a bad opinion of her, always telling the tales of she did this, she did that… but from what I understand she was just a kid. Like Dawn is now. And she was all on her own. I can’t believe that no one ever found that odd. I find it odd.

“I know because I was there. I saw what she did.”

“But that’s not fair! You all have these rules for you guys, and everyone else just isn’t good enough… with your stupid Scooby gang… well I think you all suck!”

Willow doesn’t have an answer for that. Lately we have all sucked.

“Look… I’m sorry ok? You have to remember though Dawn, I have a past with her. There’s loadsa bad water there and it hasn’t all flowed under the bridge.”

“But can’t you just try? Please? For me?”

There’s such pleading in her voice. She sounds so much older then her years and it reminds me of how much she has been through. I reach out unbidden and slip my arm around her shoulders, draw her into me and whisper the words she wants to hear.

“I’ll try sweetie. I promise… she gets a fresh slate from me. If she’s your friend she must have some redeeming qualities, right?”

Her eyes are all ablaze now. I hope they stay that way.

“She is SO awesome, really… like I’ve been talking to her for ages, since she got out… ya know…” She lowers her voice, makes it dramatic, I’m guessing she’s got some hero worship going on. “…from the big house…”

“I thought she only made Juvie?” At least Willow is listening to her.

“Well yeah… Juvie, but it’s just as bad, I saw this whole ‘Geraldo’ expo thingy on them once, and it’s tough… you have all these gangs and initiations…”

“So you think she was in a gang?” I know I said I would give her a chance but I’m not so keen on Dawn getting into the gang scene. Sunnydale isn’t that far from LA, it could happen.

“No! She stayed away from them… she even had to spend loadsa time in solitary cos she beat all these girls that were trying to force her to chase dragons…”

“But I thought she was a slayer? Isn’t chasing dragons part of the job?”

She looks at me like we’re from different planets. Maybe further away then that. “NOT them kind of dragons! You know..?” She puts on her most solemn face and whispers the word. “Drugs.”

Oh… THAT chasing the dragon. Well that’s good. She doesn’t do drugs.

“So what’s she been doing since she’s been out?”

“Oh she works with Angel… she’s really important, an integral part of the team. And she’s done LOADS of good stuff, maybe even more then you guys have done lately…” Definitely hero worship. “…and Angel said she’s really changed, that he’s proud of her.”

She sits back and looks at me, her eyes shining with righteousness.

“Well I’m sure if Angel says that, she must be doing really well.” She smiles now, and I can see her mentally chalking it up. One down, lots to go. I offer her a bit more, making her smile is making me happy. “I can’t wait to meet her.”

“You already met her, don’t you remember Tara..?” Please don’t burst her bubble Will. “When she stole Buffy’s body? She made fun of you?”

Dawn stiffens at my side and it’s like all the good work has been undone. I try my best.

“That’s in the past now, I’m prepared to start fresh, forgive old mistakes…” I look her dead in the eye, I want her to know how serious I am. “…you should think about that Willow, forgiveness and mistakes. As someone who might be looking for some…”

I leave it unsaid, but I can see she gets my meaning. It’s hard when you realise you’re a hypocrite.

The knocking at the door tenses the room. We all look at each other, no one really sure who makes the next move. Willow surprises even herself I think when she takes a step down.

“Ok, ok… I’ll get it! But I’m watching her Dawn… Buffy said to watch her and if she even thinks about thinking about making a wrong move, you better believe I’ll be there.”

“I’ll tell her, she’ll be terrified.”

“Dawn?” I get her attention and shake my head. If Willow’s prepared to play nice then so should she.

“I didn’t mean it… can’t anyone take a joke?”

Not at the moment. Jokes are really thin on the ground.

More banging encourages Willow to open the door. Her stance is so challenging and I only hope it’s not a random caller. For a moment it’s just silence. I’m watching Willow watching her, and I can see it all in her face. She’s struggling to say hello, cos she’s not really sure if she wants to. Finally her mouth opens and the words come out without too much distaste. I’m gonna take that as a positive.

“Hello Faith… erm, I guess you wanna come in?”

“Red. Yeah. Cool.”

So they’re not hugging. Give me time.

Dawn’s up and out of the chair in less then seconds. Makes me wonder about the land speed record.

“Hey Faith! I have SO been looking forward to this…” She’s grabbed onto her arm and is pulling her into the centre of the room, almost like she’s a show model. When she has her placed firmly in front of me, she stops and motions with her hand. “…this is Tara, she’s really nice, much nicer then the others… I think you were kinda mean to her once, but she’s willing to move on. Say ‘hello’”

The poor girl just stands there bewildered, she’s looking at Dawn as if still trying to process her words, and at the same time I can see her warily eyeing me, perhaps trying to place when exactly she was mean to me. I decide to help her out, let her know what crime she stands accused of.

“It was the whole… body swap? Thing. At the Bronze..?”

She still looks a little puzzled, raising her eyebrow as if for more clues.

“I was with Willow… you assumed I was ‘with’ Willow?”

I see recognition cross her face, it looks a little like horror. She’s telegraphing her regret for the world to see, and I have to wonder if she’s always this expressive. Her eyes are just so… open?

“Oh… I remember…” She looks down at her boots, scuffs one toe against the other. When she raises her head she pauses for a moment, draws a deep breath and looks me straight in the eye. “…I’m really sorry about that, I know you’ve no reason to believe me… but if I could change that, it would be done. I just…” She looks like if she starts telling me she might never stop. I bet she has a thousand words she’s never spoken. She gives a frustrated shrug of her shoulders, holds out her hands at her sides. “I’m sorry.”

It’s enough for me.

“I’m Tara.” I offer her a full on smile, one which shows her apologies are done with me. She takes the hand I hold out and gives it a firm shake.

“Faith… and, I dunno? Thank you.”

Now I see her smile. It’s so sensual I almost want to blush. We are definitely keeping her around!

“Don’t mention it.” I let go of her hand before I’m forced to give it a squeeze. She just has such an aura around her. It’s the eyes. If I didn’t have a Willow I’d be finding out already if this girl drove anything other then stick.

She’s casting them eyes up to Willow now, she’s hesitating… I would guess she wants to know if it’s ok to make that apology yet. If Willow is ready to forgive.

My little red head has always had expressive eyes too. It was one of the first things I noticed. Now they’re flitting between me and Faith, she knows what might be coming and she doesn’t know what to do. I can’t make the decision for her, she has to be ready to accept it for herself.

I cock my head to the side and give her a little half smile, it’s the one she likes, she thinks it’s cute, it makes her go all gooey. I remember when she first told me that, I practiced it in front of the mirror for days after. Young love. I miss it.

Faith finally forces some kind of audible noise from her throat, it’s a cross between a squeak and a cough, and I can only imagine how hard this is for her. Standing in front of someone you know has no time for you and asking them to make time. It’s hard.

“Look Red… Willow?”

She does look, and I can see her fidgeting, her hands pulling on a fray at the bottom of her jersey.

“I don’t know if you wanna hear this, but hey… nothing to lose right?” She looks hopefully at her, and I only hope my girl is ready to give her a chance, even if only for Dawn’s sake. “I know I screwed up, the things I done, all of it… and I am sorry…”

Willow makes a little gurgly noise in the back of her throat. Almost like she was getting set to choke, she holds it in though. Motions at Faith to carry on.

“…and I’m sorry I’m here, I know you guys don’t want me here, and that’s cool… but I came to see Dawn. I don’t wanna get in anyone’s way, or cause any problems… I just wanna help the girl out. Okay?”

The silence is all encompassing. I don’t think any of us are breathing. I know Faith’s not, I can see the colour going from her cheeks.

“Willow… please?”

I second that Dawn. Please?

I see the defiance as it settles on her face and for a moment I fear the worst, her shoulders sag a little though and then she makes a quick shrugging gesture.

“I feel like I’m finally going crazy for saying this… but fine. Ok. Yay, great your back! Can’t wait to catch up… and if you so much as even think about putting a foot wrong I swear Faith… I don’t care how big and bad you are, I can be bigger and a damn sight badder… are we clear on that?”

She’s considering… sizing Willow up. In the end she holds up the bag she has in her hand. “Wanna watch a movie? Get some pizza?”

And now my girl smiles. I guess they reached an understanding.

“What’s the movie?”

“Return of the body snatchers.”

“Huh?”

“Kidding!” She pulls a copy of The Matrix from the bag, hands it to Willow. “I love the fighting, maybe you can explain the bits I never got?”

“Uh… The Matrix? I never saw that one.”

“Wicked! I can convert you…” She looks at me, flashes me that smile again. “…but then I guess Tara over there already got that sorted.”

Willow gives me a shy little look and it’s a look I’ve missed. I love it whenever her eyes are on me… but those shy eyes? So completely hot. And endearing.

“Yeah. She got that sorted alright.”

Please let all our pain be over? I just wanna hold her in my arms, where she should be.

Dawn decides to break the moment by ushering Will to put the movie on, you can see how excited she is to have some semblance of calm in the house, to have an evenings entertainment in place because of her. For her. I smile right along with her. If Faith can do that I look forward to seeing what else she can do. There’s lots of people round here that could do with some smiles.

Those smiles I wanted? They didn’t come. Everything was going so well. We watched the movie, it was certainly… different. Not one I would have picked, but in the end I enjoyed it. It’s one of those that makes you think… what if? But then I live in Sunnydale… there’s no computer programmer anywhere, robot or otherwise that could invent anything as ludicrous as our lives. No way.

Willow wasn’t warm to Faith but then she wasn’t cold either, and as far as I’m concerned that’s fine. Better then fine. She made me proud tonight, accepting Faith’s apology was hard for her, but she did it, she’s trying.

I wish everyone were the same.

It all went wrong when Buffy got home. Time had gotten away from us, none of us were watching the clock, the movie was done and we had finally gotten round to ordering the pizza. We were sat around the table, laughing, eating. It was just nice. We were all having some fun away from everything that’s been happening. We weren’t talking about bads or nasties… about relationships gone wrong. We were just having fun. Maybe that was the problem.

Dawn had just challenged Faith to see who could eat a slice of pizza the quickest, my money was on Faith… I’ve seen Buffy’s ability to inhale food when she wants to, I was betting Faith was cut from the same cloth. But my voice was behind Dawn, I wanted her to win, and I think Faith did too. She was going as slow as she dared without being obvious, giving her the time to keep up;

“Dawnie, Dawnie, Dawnie…”

“Hungh… wha bou me?” It was hard to hear her through the pizza, and her face just made us laugh. Willow was fixing her eyes on Dawn as if she could make her eat quicker, obviously firmly on her side to the point of obsession.

“Come on Dawn… you get this I’ll take ya to the Bronze next weekend, and I’ll buy ya drinks all night… non alcohol ones… and I’ll do your math homework for a week, and I won’t tell Buffy you spilt cranberry juice all over her white top..!”

Yeah. She was obsessive.

We didn’t even hear Buffy come in and even when I first saw her walk in I didn’t think anything of it. I wasn’t paying attention. She tossed the bag of food down on the table between us, making us all stop. The air instantly chilling.

“I brought dinner home, I thought you might be hungry, I guess not.” Her eyes were raging as they settled in distaste on Faith. “And what the hell is SHE still doing here?” She looked pointedly at Willow, accusation plain to see. “…and not just here… but here with YOU!”

“I’m sorry Buffy… I just, with Dawn… and she…” There weren’t words that would pacify Buffy though and I think she realised that. “…I didn’t realise the time.”

“So what..? You’re best buddies behind my back now?”

“Look B, just chill ok? Red didn’t do nothing wrong… I was just leaving.”

She got to get up from her chair, when Dawn chose to speak.

“I WON!”

She was holding her plate upside down, speaking as if Buffy hadn’t even walked in the room. Faith looked down at her own plate, the small piece of food still there.

“Yeah, you won… we’ll celebrate later, I gotta shoot now.”

Dawn’s eyes immediately narrowed on Buffy, her tone just as sharp as her glare. “Why do you have to always ruin everything? I’m so sick of you! I wish I had died last week…” We all paused I guess in shock, it was just so vehement, so painful. “…I wish you had died, had stayed dead!”

Can you guess how high the tension was? It was like even a deep breath would be enough to make it all go crazy. In the end Buffy just went anyway.

“You selfish bitch!”

“Buffy!” That was Willow, it could have been any of us.

“What Wills? I’m supposed to just take this crap because poor Dawn’s so fragile? Well guess what? I’M sick of it… I died for her! You remember that? Cos I do Willow… every single damn second I remember taking that choice, making that choice… and what she did?” She was really rolling, accentuating every word with a gesture of her hand, expression on her face. “That makes all this… everything, god… it’s so damn pointless! Don’t you get that?”

I could see Faith rising, see her moving around the table to stand in front of Buffy, I was scared. For all of us.

“And you think I’M bad?”

“Get out of my face, get out of my house!”

“No B… you all wanna talk about being sick? Well how about I wade in with some sickness of my own?”

“I don’t care about your sickness Faith, didn’t you figure that bit out yet?”

“You don’t care about anything though do ya B? You’ve got a kick ass little sister here and all she wants is a second of your fucking attention.” She flicked her look to Dawn, gave her a full on smile, replaced her scowl and went back to Buffy. “But ya can’t can ya? I’ve gotta side with Dawn… maybe ya should’ve stayed dead, saved us all some heartache.”

It was obvious it was going go.

“I hate you so much.”

“Wanna show me?”

And then she was flying back over the table and onto Dawn. It was chaos so quick that it was hard to see what was happening. Buffy was trying to get across to her, Dawn was squealing under Faith’s weight, Willow was attempting to get Buffy to stop… and I was wondering what the hell to do. It’s handy sometimes being the witch.

Just a little explosion of light and they all stopped their madness. The bang helped, even I jumped and I was the one that made it. Faith raised herself wearily from the now breathless Dawn and rubbed her hand over her jaw.

“That’s two now B, I’m gonna let ya have them on account of I probably deserve it.” Now I finally got to see what scary Faith looked like. It was almost like she snarled the words. “I’m not here to be your bitch though, and if ya gonna keep doing that, you know I’m gonna start hitting back.”

“You’re just so noble aren’t you?”

“No B, I’m fucking human. You might wanna give it a go.”

She looked at Dawn then, I could see the apology written on her face. “Look kid, I’m sorry bout that, but I gotta go. I’ll swing by tomorrow, when everyone’s calmed down.” Dawn didn’t answer. She just looked sad. It worried me. “Red, Tara… it’s been great, really… I guess I’ll catch ya later.”

Then she went to the front door and left. No looks back. No change of mind. It was so very messed up. The charge between the two of them is so intense. If it’s always like that it’s probably half the problem. Too much tension.

I started to clear the stuff away, clean the plates of the rest of the pizza, I guessed no one would want to eat anymore. Buffy just sat in a chair. Put her head in her arms and stayed that way. Willow took Dawn upstairs, I guess to put her to bed. To comfort her.

I was scared to speak but I had to say something. I didn’t know all of Buffy’s issues, I knew some of them… but she was never around. Certainly wasn’t interested half the time in being there for Dawn.

“Buffy?” I took her over a mug of chocolate, something to sweeten I hoped. She barely looked up and when she did I could see the tear tracks that were staining her face. “Hey sweetie, come on… it’s not that bad ok? Just take a deep breath.”

But my words of comfort just seemed to make her worse. Her shoulders were shaking now and I didn’t know what to do. The most natural thing was to go to her, to slide my arms around her and hold her close. She let me.

“Do you wanna talk about it? It might help?”

“Oh god Tara… its just so…” She was forcing the words out from between the sobs, like she didn’t want to speak them. “…everything is wrong. It’s like I came back and nothing is the same. Nothing feels the same…” Her eyes are so full of pain, the tears stopping to leave just the bare truth. She’s hurting and bad. “…why can’t I just be the same as before? I just want to feel Tara… I just want to feel.”

I’d seen her anger tonight, so I knew she could feel that. I needed her to clarify. “Feel what Buffy… what do you want to feel?”

I could see her sadness, tried to imagine what she would say. But I wouldn’t get to hear. The door at the back slammed shut and Spike made his way into the room.

“Slayer… I thought we had things to do?”

She put her head back in her arms, her nose to the table. “Why? Why me… can you tell me that one Tara?”

She lost me again. I settled for smiling, letting her know we could talk later if she had to go slaying.

“What happened in here anyway? You have a rowdy gathering and forget to invite me?”

“Why would I invite you?”

I saw the look he gave her and it made me want to shudder.

“You tell me.”

She got up and offered me a look of apology. “I have to go Tara, tell Dawn I’ll look in on her when I get back… I won’t be long, this won’t take long.”

Spike made his way to the back door and I could see him waiting there for her, running those eyes up her as if he owns her, as if he wants to eat her. It worried me a bit, what with him being a vampire and all.

I could see how much he was smiling and how much she wasn’t. I’m getting a vibe. I want to ignore it.

“Well I’m gonna head back in a while, I’ll look in on Dawnie and Will, I’ll see you soon though Buffy…” She nodded without enthusiasm. It was how she did most things lately. “…we’ll finish our chat?”

“Yep, sure Tara. Thanks.”

And that was the night. I did check in on Dawn. She was distraught, not only with what Buffy had said but what she had said to Buffy. She loves her sister so much, and this feeling she has at the moment that Buffy doesn’t care? It’s tearing her up inside.

I told her that she’d look in when she got back and that seemed to comfort her a little.

As for Willow. She was sad too. It’s a lot for everyone. Too much. I took her in my arms and held her as close as I dared. I wanted to kiss her, to slip my tongue between her lips and show her how much I loved her. But I didn’t. I placed one tiny kiss by the side of her ear. Told her I loved her instead. It was enough to make her smile. For me to leave her in a happy place.

I know what Buffy means. I wish things could be the same as well. But they aren’t. We aren’t. Now we just have to learn how to live with the changes. How to make it all alright again.