POV Faith
Sometimes you find yourself in a place, and you have no fucking clue as to what the heck you have done to ever land yourself in such a place. Which gods or demons you have messed with to make your fate so truly bad. So completely different to everything that it should be. Yeah. I know that feeling, I’m absolutely living that feeling. Just trying to keep my eyes closed, my body still… anything to forget the horror of where I have now found myself.
“What about these ones? Do you think these ones are nice?”
“They’re beautiful, can we go now?”
And still I keep my eyes closed, don’t care that I’m supposed to be looking, because really… I don’t care, I don’t wanna know, don’t wanna look.
“Faith?”
“Hmmm?”
“How can you say that they’re beautiful, if you won’t even look?”
I roll myself over on the large comfy bed I have placed myself upon, and make the strenuous effort of pulling my eyelids open. Wow. White sheets with flowers.
“I’m looking, they’re great, can we go now?”
The look that she’s sending me in return is all sorts of pissed, but I just can’t help it. We’re linen shopping for fucks sake! Me. ME! I am linen shopping. Kinda makes me wonder if I shouldn’t reconsider my little domestic slice of life in good old Sunny D.
“Can you at least try and feign some interest? Please, for me?”
“But B…”
“No, I don’t get pleasure from this anymore than you do, but we need new sheets.”
“We have sheets!”
Or they have sheets. Not sure if I can call it ‘we’ yet. It isn’t like I’ve moved in, not officially.
“We have less sheets, and I know that it’s not your fault, I get that the puking and the vomit wasn’t intended or planned, but the puking did happen and the sheets were ruined. And the towels… we haven’t even started on the towels yet.”
And do days get any worse?
I swing my legs from the comfy show bed and try and feign a little of the interest that she seems to want so bad. Eyeing up the flowers as if all of the answers to my life are held somewhere within them.
“Okay B, they’re really nice. They’re uh… pretty?”
“You think that they’re pretty?”
I don’t know.
“Do you think they’re pretty?”
She casts her eyes over the sheets again, her brow furrowing, her fingers tracing pretty little patterns across the pretty little flowers. It’s just all so fucking pretty.
“I‘m not sure… I think the flowers match the wall paper. But then maybe we need to change the wall paper. Do you think we should redecorate Faith?”
I think that hell resides somewhere in the homeware section. Forget leeches and nightmares… this shit is just too much. I flop myself back down, let out a moan which shows my appreciation of all things domesticated.
“B… Buffy, please, you’re killing me here. Just pick out some sheets and lets blow this joint. It doesn’t matter what they look like, as long as they cover the mattress then everything’s cool, right? Just pick something already.”
The sheets make a resounding thump as they land atop my head. Letting me know how impressed she is with my helpful contribution, her footsteps thumping even louder as she stomps herself away from my place on the bed. And I know that I have to make good, have to at least pretend that I care something about the décor.
“B… wait?”
Pulling myself up and grabbing the wrapped up linen, putting some enthusiasm into the little jog that I do to catch up with her. Of course she doesn’t stop though, gotta keep that prim and proper ass firmly out in front of me.
“Buffy, come on, I was only messing. I’m totally ready to shop for sheets, I can’t wait to shop for sheets, I’m sheet gal!”
Now she does stop, slowly turning round, eyeing me up with an evil glint, her head cocking to the side. “You ‘can’t wait’ to shop for sheets?”
“That’s what I said, I’m sheet gal.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘sheet gal’ Faith, more like you’re full of sheet.”
And fuck me, that was lame.
“Full of sheet? You been practicing that one?”
“It just came to me, it seemed kinda appropriate.”
“Seemed kinda lame to me, definitely not up there with pun of the century. Your skills are slipping… you need to watch that.”
She folds her arms across her chest, offers me a disaffected pose. Another cock of the head. “My ‘skills’ are fine, what isn’t fine is my patience. Are you gonna help me here or what?”
I wanna say what.
“Uh, I’m…” I catch the foot tapping. Fingers drumming out a rhythm on the tightly folded arms. “…I’m gonna help. Can’t wait to help. ”
My wink is offered to show how much I mean it. I hate this, I really do, shopping for the household items, but it is her household, and I wanna try and make the effort. Apparently love makes you do the wacky, and I guess it’s gonna make me do the shopping for linen.
“So, do you like the flowers?”
“Flowers?”
“On the sheets Faith! The sheets that you’re holding…”
“Right.” I look down at the nicely packaged bed covers, pretend that I’m considering it seriously, that it really does make a difference to my life. “Yeah, they’re great, awesome. Really… pretty.”
“You make ‘pretty’ sound like such a bad word.”
“Not bad, just… well, don’t they have something a little less… uh…”
“Pretty?”
“Flowery?”
I feel like we’re going round in circles. Her foot tapping again, me squirming again.
“What would you prefer Faith, oh wait, let me guess…” She grabs the sheets from me, makes a pointed turn and heads back down the aisle, not stopping until she gets to the darker colours. “…how about something black, maybe a little red, possibly silky..?”
“I hear silk is good.”
And I can be helpful.
Except that helpful shouldn’t have such a heavy sigh falling from her lips. Shouldn’t have her looking at me as if she might explode at any minute. She lets the flowery affair slip from her grasp, and leans herself back against the shelf, shutting her eyes tight. Clenching her arms around her sides again.
I just don’t get chicks and their linen. Not one bit.
“B… are you okay?”
No answer.
I lean down and pick up the discarded package, try again and see the flowers as anything other than ‘pretty’. Plastering a smile to my face, setting a light tone to my voice. “Serious B, if you want the flowers then that’s cool with me. Don’t go getting upset over it, I like the flowers. Really I do.”
Still nothing.
“Buffy?”
She sniffles a little as she brings her eyes back to mine, red rimmed and sad looking. Dropping my gaze and finding refuge on the floor. I have to strain my ears hard when she finally speaks to me, her voice nothing more than a whisper.
“Sorry Faith, I’m overreacting… I just… I never had to do this alone. I never, before… mom always took care of it. She liked the flowers.”
Oh.
Oh crap.
And I want nothing more than to take back the last half hour of existence, to stop her pain before it ever began. To not make her be doing this all alone. I knew that I was being an ass, but I didn’t realise why, didn’t realise exactly what this shopping trip meant for her.
I push the sheets back onto the shelf behind her, mix them up with the silks, give them a new home. It doesn’t matter, whatever, all that matters is finding her now in my arms, letting her body lose some of that rigidness, in the strength of my embrace.
“Buffy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise, you should have said.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does matter. Of course it matters.” I hold onto her a little tighter, let my shoulders bear the weight of a few more of her sighs.
“Come on, we’ll do this together, me and you against the linen, it’ll be fun.”
Her sighs turn into tiny snorts of laughter. Her head leaning back, the green of her eyes catching mine with some sort of heart stopping intensity, another of those moments that we always get lost in. The thing between us. “You had me at the ‘together’ part Faith… kinda lost me again with the ‘fun’.”
“You don’t think we can make this fun?”
Her shoulders shrug and she looks around at the aisles and aisles of endless cloth. So much to choose from, all of it taunting us. “I just wish that mom was here.”
“I wish that she was here too.”
And I do. Mrs Summers was good. As bad as I got, she was always good.
I notice as the change comes over her, as she straightens her shoulders and takes a step back from me. Runs a hand up through her growing hair, past her shoulders again now, tucking it back behind her ear. And I join her, let my own hand slide through the texture that’s so much softer than any silk of any sheet.
“Come on B, we can do this. Me and you girl, we’ve saved worlds, we can sure as hell handle a little linen. ”
“And the towels?”
“Yeah. And the towels.”
“And the shower curtain?”
“Now you’re pushing it.”
She takes a final swipe at her lightly moistened eyes, drops her hand down to mine, lacing her fingers between each of my own. “I love you Faith, do you know that?”
“You damn well better do, I wouldn’t shop for linen with anyone else!”
And I wouldn’t, but then I don’t love anyone else. Not like this, not like I love her.
I steel myself as we turn and face the endless aisles again, all those flowers, all that chintzy goodness. Only this time I don’t have to pretend that I care, because I do care. I get it. Her mom used to do all of this, because her mom loved her, her mom wanted to look after her, wanted to provide for her, wanted to make her happy. Her mom isn’t here anymore, but I am here, and all of those things are the things that I want to do for her now. That I need to do. It makes ya look at linen in a whole different light, it makes you really care.
“So where do we start? You wanna check out more of the flowers?”
“I don’t know, I never did this… mom always got flowers, but maybe… do you think it’s bad if we don’t get flowers?”
“We can get whatever you want, just point me in the right direction.”
I play the happy housewife as we moved down each of the racks, picking up fabrics, exclaiming on sheets. And you know? It really isn’t THAT bad. It isn’t grade A entertainment, but it isn’t hellish. It’s just me and her spending time, finding smiles, cracking jokes. Eventually grabbing a trolley because we’ve filled our arms to the brim with all of the things that we need.
“I think that’s it Faith, we have more than enough towels, the sheets are great…”
“Whoa, we need a shower curtain, Red’s gonna kick our asses if we forget the shower curtain.”
“Oh, right.”
And look at me with the remembering. Crazy.
“You have a preference on colour?”
“No way B, as long as it’s strong, something with a little durability…” I can’t help the way that my eyes start to drift enticingly over her curves with my words, just a reaction to thinking of the shower, a reaction to the way that she had taken me yesterday.
“Durable..?” Her eyes catching mine, her cheeks tinting pink.
“Oh yeah, ya never know when the urge to wash my back is gonna creep up on you again, it’s best to be prepared. Take precautions.”
I’m rounding the trolley as she stands there in a quiver. Or maybe not a quiver, but she is just standing there looking at me, looking into me, her mouth sliding open, that perfect little pink tongue just poking out to wet at the edges. And I want it, want to taste it. To touch it.
“Faith..?”
No questions B. Just answers.
I let my mouth go to hers so softly, nothing like the way I used to kiss, not rough and ready, more about the slow and steady. Stoking the flames little by little, nibbles which trip around the smiling curve of her lips. My hand lifting to twist in the silky texture of her hair again, pulling her closer to me, my other hand nestling tight against her ass, everything closer.
“Excuse me? Ma’am?”
Fuck off.
Sucking her bottom lip between mine to encourage her to open up, to ignore interruptions and slide her tongue deep inside of my mouth. I just love it when she kisses me like that, losing innocence. When she’s the one that takes command, that sets a pace to follow.
“Ladies?”
And now not liking the pace as she breaks away from me, pulls her head back and takes a deep breath in. Catching her slightly swollen lip between her teeth and showing me a teasing bite. So whipped, I am so fucking whipped. I can only sigh out my ache as she turns from me towards the store guy, peers enquiringly at his name tag and offers him all sorts of sexy in the set of her voice.
“Ah, Richard, maybe ‘you’ can ‘help’ me?”
In his dreams! He’s all of about seventeen, his cheeks flaming red and his own voice hitting all of the high notes as he answers my lady’s call .
“Help you… uh, right… sure. Um… how can I help?”
“Shower curtains, we need something durable, something strong, something that can take a little tug and a pull every now and again… do you have any of those?”
Her eyebrows are jumping just as much as mine do. Damn it! Her whole pose is just as dangerous as anything I can do. It’s getting me hot, making me all kinds of horny.
“Aisle seventeen… you need aisle seventeen.”
I guess he’s horny too. He turns from her with an abrupt speed, probably taking to the bathroom to work out all of the pressure that a certain devilish blonde has just thrust upon him.
“That was mean B, you coulda broken the kid, fuck, I think you nearly broke me…”
“Best I get you home and fix you then.”
And still the pose and the eyes and the lips and the tone…
“I’m ready, let’s go.”
“Shower curtain?”
I turn and grab the trolley, work my ass with slayer speed down to aisle seventeen, grab the nearest that they have, turn again and head for the check out. I never knew that linen shopping was an aphrodisiac… damn, I never knew that one girl could be such an aphrodisiac! I knew she got me hot, definitely the hottest… but the way that she touches me, the way that she swings so effortlessly from the prim and the proper, to the hot and the steaming, it has me fast baking, all senses waking, constantly ready to get down with the dirty. I told her I would be horny all of the time for her, and I swear that she’s basking in the revelation. Loving her power.
I can feel myself changing everyday that I’m here, can feel myself losing some of the roughed up edges. Learning to open up, to squash the fucked up fears that have kept me running the whole of my life. And now I can see her changing too. Letting go of all of the things which have kept her caged up in her own box, the things which she held onto so tightly the first time that I was here. I love it. Love seeing her let go, just being the Buffy and not worrying about what the world thinks. Finding a middle where we can finally meet.
And if I didn’t know it already, if I wasn’t so sure of it… I’d say that we were made for each other.
“You have to fold the corners under, Faith.”
“I’m not a damn house maid!”
“You must have made a bed before?”
I consider my answer. Have I ever made a bed before? Images tugging at the edges of consciousness, facing her, facing me, and I’m not sure. Something about it seems so familiar, not sure if it’s a memory, if it’s simple déjà vu… but it does feel right. I should be here. But have I made a bed before?
“Don’t think so B, not proper, maybe thrown a cover over a mattress, but I ain’t never had to worry about folding corners.”
“No way?”
I shake my head, kinda slow, still trying to remember if there was ever a time that I worried about how my bed looked. I know that it’s a no.
“Well pay attention then, who knows when you’ll have to do it all by yourself, getting the corners right is all important.”
“Is this your Mary Poppins thing again?”
And she throws me a smart ass little grin, both of us still buzzing from the shopping trip of earlier. It was funny when we got home, both of the witches looking at us for the fall out, for injuries that either of us may have sustained from the homely shopping excursion. I think that the big smiles surprised them, and why not? They surprised the fuck outta me. But then I’m learning, slowly, that there’s pleasure to be found in a whole lot of places that you just never expected it. Even in linen shopping.
“Are you gonna shower before the others get here?”
“Not unless that’s an offer B, I feel clean enough to tackle some goodbyes, I figure I’ll leave the shower till after, sneak one in before bed.”
I watch as she wriggles the pillows inside of their new covers. Not flowery. Not a flower in sight. She settled on the Boston check instead, soon as she saw it she squealed like all proper girls should, exclaiming that it would be like ‘sleeping with me wrapped around her.’ Made me think she’s kinda odd, also made me think she’s kinda adorable. I didn’t point out that I’d be sleeping wrapped around her anyway, that she didn’t need a dumb checked print to achieve that. It was too fun watching her squeal.
“What about you girlfriend, you gonna get all scrubbed and dubbed before the gang gets here?”
“I was thinking about it…” She pauses in her bedly ministrations, eyes me up with those hot and horny homing missiles. “…now I’m thinking I’ll wait till after. Maybe share with you, just in the interest of water conservation.”
“Gotta save the water B, it’s a desert out there.”
She fluffs the last of the pillows and flops herself down onto the bed. Patting the space beside her, calling me to join her.
“You think that’s safe?”
“Huh?”
“Well they’re gonna be here any minute B, you really want me to come share the bed space with you?”
“I’m sure we can control ourselves for five minutes Faith… at least I know ‘I’ can. If you don’t think you can manage it though…”
And there’s a challenge. I love a challenge.
“Oh, I can handle it fine, not so sure about you though. I’ve had my eye on you all day, you’re right there with the horny. I can feel it.”
“Me!? You were the one with the tongues in aisle thirteen!”
I strike an innocent pose, it’s one that I still need to work on. “Maybe I started it, but you were more than keen to finish it, putting on that show for poor little ‘Richard’. Bet the kids still holding on tight, working out his issues.”
“That’s kinda gross.”
“Just saying B, you were right there with the horny, you’re still right there with the horny.”
I let myself take slowly to the bed, just at the end, down by her feet. Finding a firm grip and biting a tease on the end of her toes.
“Stop it!”
“What? You tongued up my toes good a few weeks back, this is an equal partnership and I wanna return all favours, I don’t wanna get a rep as neglectful.”
She’s trying to pull her foot away, but I am kinda strong, got a real firm grip.
“If you remember that, then you remember where it led…”
Hell yeah.
“…getting me flustered and then making me go down to face the others… now that would be neglectful, definitely not good girlfriend material!”
Her voice hit’s a high note as I slide my tongue between the groove of her toes. It’s never been my bag to seek pleasure like this, but fuck it, she’s squirming, and that has to work in my favour.
“I think you like it B.”
I let my other hand, the one that’s not holding her firm, take a slow slide up her leg to dance softly beneath the hem of her skirt, little teasing patterns against the soft feel of thigh. And she’s not the only one squirming. Starting to wonder exactly how long we have until the others get here.
“It’s not a question of liking it Faith.”
Watching her slide down the bed to make my hand travel higher. A soft graze against panties, a hitched breath in my throat. “How long do we have?”
And I’m already moving, keeping my panty held hand firmly in place and shifting my body to find a position above her, my own thigh pushing it’s denim clad self, hard against the back of my hand.
“Faith…”
Not caring how long, just claiming the words with the presence of my mouth upon hers, the slip and slide as her tongue trips out to meet my own, hot and warm and deliciously horny. Forgetting slow and steady to try and beat the buzzer…
The knock on the door does nothing to calm the carnal urges. For me or for her. She just clings me closer, pushes her hips hard up on my hand and my thigh, looking for some friction, searching for release…
“Guys, you in there?”
My fingers finding the edges of panties and pushing them aside, moaning into her mouth as I feel the pool of wetness that she has for me…
“Guys, I KNOW that you’re in there… come on, Angel and the others are here, they’re waiting for you.”
I force myself to break the kiss, my hand still moving in all the right ways, bringing her into my rhythm, urging her to feel what I’m offering. My mouth I turn swiftly towards the door, shout out something controlled and steady, just buying an extra minute. The extra minute that I need.
“Just a minute Red, I’m just throwing some clothes on… I think B popped to the store, she’s not in here.”
“Oh… she’s not? She popped to the store?”
And I hear the confusion in her voice but I don’t care a shit. The sound of B’s ragged breathing fighting hard to stay quiet is all that I need to listen to, all that I want to hear.
“Well she’s popped somewhere.”
“Okay… well be quick, Cordy is straining at the bit to see you…”
“I’ll be quick as I can Red, quick as I can…”
And I will. Just leave me alone.
I catch the sound of her footsteps leaving and turn my attention back to Buffy, to her face, to her eyes clenching tight, to her teeth biting hard at that lip again, no trace of teasing. And I have to see her, have to feel that connection…
“Buffy… baby, look at me.”
“Mmmm.”
Her hands sliding up and under my top, digging tight into my back, pulling me closer… and then her eyes, opening up to me, her teeth leaving her lips to offer me a smile. “That feels good.”
“You want it to feel better?”
My fingers are stroking long and hard over her clit, moving in the ways which I already know she likes, each of my senses slipping into rhythm with hers, guiding me onwards…
“I want you Faith.”
Her eyes staying tight on mine as she asks it, her legs spreading further to offer me the room. And I take the invitation, follow the slick feel of her wetness right down to the entrance of her pussy, edging my way inside, feeling her walls tighten around me. So perfect, so hot.
I whisper soft words of encouragement as I quicken the pace, let our gaze tear apart to kiss the moans from her lips, to keep up a pretence of quiet to a house full of friends. Holding in my own moans as I feel the strength of her climax, as she gives herself up to me again in the sweetest of ways. Letting me fuck her, letting me love her, everything that I have ever wanted.
And now just holding her tight as her breathing recovers, kissing her lips a thousand times to assure her of exactly how much she means to me.
“I love you B.”
Over and over.
“I love you too.”
The perfect reply.
It’s like torture tearing myself away from the bed and away from her, but it’s bearable torture, because I know that it’s just a few hours until I can hold her again. She’s mine forever, I know that. I feel that.
“Come on, we should get down.”
“Don’t wanna move.”
“Not a case of wanting B, we have to. Everybody is waiting on us.”
I watch her sigh, watch her smile, watch her brow furrow into that cute little frown.
“Oh god, you told Wills I was at the store! What am I gonna say?”
“Don’t sweat it, we’ll think of something…” I look to the window, have half of a plan. “…unless you wanna shimmy down and make an entrance? Could be amusing.”
“You are joking?”
I don’t know. It would be amusing.
“Saves the explanations B, and your window is easy to climb to, I say you go for it.”
She pulls herself up from the bed and rearranges her skirt, grabs a hair tie and pulls in a ponytail. “I’m not sneaking out from my own house Faith, just to knock on the door and come back in again. I’ll just have to think of something else.”
I let my eyes drift over her form, let my mind wander to where it just was. “We could stay up here, forget all thinking…”
“And how exactly do you know how easy it is to climb to my room?”
Huh?
Oh.
Right.
“I uh, I said that? I meant it ‘looks’ easy to climb to… I wouldn’t have a clue B, not a one.”
I smile sweet, smile innocent, hope it flows. There’s no way I wanna get into the times that I used to climb and look, just to watch, just to be close to her. Even when things were at there worst, I always wanted to be close. There’s nothing that she needs to know there.
“It IS easy to climb to Faith, it’s not happening tonight though, now come on… lets go pretend that your hand wasn’t just in the cookie jar and play at making nice. This is bon voyage, remember? You’re sad.”
I am sad, I don’t want them to go, but at the same time it’s damn hard to be sad when your hand still smells of the cookies. Fresh baked cookies.
We make our way from the bedroom and down the stairs to below, still wrapped up in the feeling of just being together, little touches, little caresses, not hidden, not trying to hide.
“Oh Faith, you made it! I was beginning to think that we were gonna be sending ourselves off.”
“Sorry Cor, I couldn’t choose an outfit, you know how it is.”
Her eyes drift over my attire, the same pants and shirt I’ve been wearing all day, my hair just hanging around my face in it’s wild sense of abandon, not even pretending that I’ve tried to tame it.
“I see you went all out.”
“You know it girlfriend.” My wink assuring her that I sure as hell went all out, her eyebrows raising in the same way that they always do when confronted with pure Faith. Her reply though is eaten up by Willow’s sudden outburst at B, realising that she has just walked down the stairs, not through the door… and I knew she should’ve shimmied from the window. It really would have been that easy.
“Buffy?! Faith said you were at the store! Where were you? Why didn’t you answer me?”
“Uh… I, um… I didn’t hear you?”
“And you Faith… why would you say that she was at the store?”
Think fast.
“She was… in the closet, I didn’t know she was in there, it’s a big ol’ closet Red.”
“It sure is sweetie, and I bet you had great fun in giving her a hand at getting off.”
“Tara!”
“Oops, my bad. I meant getting out.”
She slips us a sly wink, a look which says she knows exactly what was going on upstairs.
“Do you really think that we spend all of our time having sex?”
“Were you having sex?”
I flip my gaze to Anya, her eyes burrowing into me, all about the serious. It kinda freaks me, I mean, I can take banter, I like a laugh, but this girl is all sincere, absolutely demanding to know all of our bedroom habits.
“What’s it to you?”
“I just think that’s it’s extremely rude of you to be having the sex, whilst I’m stuck down here and not having the sex!”
And what do you say to that? I shrug my shoulders, turn my eyes to Xander. “I think this is your place to jump in…”
“Anya, let’s leave the sexual inquisitions alone now shall we? What Buffy and Faith get up to in their bedroom, is their business.”
“But they look so smug, it’s really not fair.”
“We do not look smug!”
I check out B’s smug look, and yeah, she kinda does. But then she popped one out just a few minutes ago, she’s bound to look a little pleased with herself. I dunno if I look smug, I do feel a little smug.
“Sorry Buffster, but ya do. You’re all about the glowing smugness…”
I turn and leave her to it, they’re her gang, and I wanna go shoot some shit with my gang. Squeeze in a few last moments of the chit chat before they have to hightail it back to the big city, still feeling a little sad that they have to hightail it anywhere.
“Angel, what’s up?”
He’s deep in conversation with Wes and Giles, probably talking over some ancient clan of sewer demon that they have to fight on their return. And yeah, I am a little jealous.
“Faith, glad to see you made it.”
“Don’t you start, I just about survived the inquest with Anya. So what’s going on, you got some big stuff brewing in the city?”
“Nothing past the usual, nothing that we can’t handle.”
“So why the group pow wow?”
They exchange a few grown up glances, settle a couple of satisfied smirks upon their faces. “Giles, would you like to handle this one?”
“On the contrary Angel, I’d say that it’s your place to explain everything to Faith.”
And the plot thickens.
He nods his head slowly, places a hand on my arm and walks me through to the back door, leading me out to the garden, taking a moment to savour the cool night air.
“Serious man, your scaring me. What’s going on?”
“Relax Faith, it’s nothing serious, quite the opposite. I’ve been speaking to Giles about what you said.”
“I say a lot of things, most of them dumb.”
His look doesn’t say whether he agrees with me. His smile suggests that he maybe does.
“I was considering your possibility of setting up an offshoot of Angel Investigations here in Sunnydale, what the validity would be, whether it would work.”
“And Giles said?”
Now he smiles even wider, nudges me a little with his shoulder. “He thinks that it’s a great idea. The business would certainly boom, he’s actually more worried that you wouldn’t be able to handle the volume of the helpless in Sunnydale. He maybe has a point.”
“We’re talking two slayers Angel, add in two witches… and Xander I guess. I think we can give it a go, get the franchise up and running. It’s gotta be better for B than the flipping of burgers, right?”
“I’m more concerned with the what’s best for you.”
I know that my eyebrows are probably dipping, showing a little confusion at his words, cos yeah… I know we’re tight, but him and B, well, gotta figure that she would be his number one worry.
“Me?”
“Of course you. Buffy I care about too, but she has all of her friends around her, who do you have?”
Me have? I though that that was obvious. “I have B, gonna miss you guys, that’s a given, but it’s all good here Angel, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“And yet I still do.” His eyes are staring off into the distance, out into the night. Everything about him looking sombre, maybe even showing his age.
“Hey dude, you’re totally gonna miss me! That’s it, isn’t it, all of this worry… you’re just full of the woe of leaving me behind!”
I know it. I’ve nailed it. And I thought that I was supposed to be the sad one.
He looks back at me, the cold air filling with his brooding sigh. “Of course we’re going to miss you. I want you to be happy Faith, I can think of no one that deserves happiness more than you do, and if happy for you means being here, than that’s great, but I’ll still miss having you around.”
“Aw, I’m touched.” And I am. Really. I may hide it beneath the cocky tone, but I know that he sees right through my bullshit. He always does.
“So you really want to make a go of it here, the business, Buffy, a family?”
“Can’t think of anything better, never knew it was all that I wanted, but now I’m here? It feels a lot like home.”
He sighs again, heaves his shoulders, follows it up with a huge fucking smile. Or as huge as he ever smiles. “I guess I should say welcome home then. And good luck.”
“Thank you, you know your approval means a lot to me. I just wanna give it a go, get something good going on. Do ya know I even went linen shopping today? Me, fucking linen shopping!”
And now the broodster laughs, straight up from the bottom of his belly, his eyes flying wide with disbelief. “You! You went linen shopping? I wish I had been there to see it!”
“I knew you’d enjoy that. A real fucking Marcia Brady me, matching towels with flannels and all sorts of shit. It’s like I said Angel, this place feels like home.”
He throws an arm around my shoulder, clenches me a little tight, holds me just a little close. “Well make the most of it, homes don’t come along that often, not the kind of homes that we don’t want to run from, need to run away from. Make it count.”
“That’s my plan.”
It feels like a good one.
“Remember though Faith, if anything ever goes wrong, if you ever need me, need anything, then my door is always open to you. You have a home in LA too, don’t ever forget that.”
And can big tough slayers get misty eyed? Even out of doors where the dust doesn’t fly? Sure they can. I wipe a little just to prove it, clear my throat so as not to advertise the fact. “Thanks man, yours was the first home I ever had. A girl don’t forget that, not ever.”
“And I won’t ever forget you. I always saw beneath that façade to the something special, it makes me proud to see you now, having all of this…” He nods his head back in the direction of the house, lets go of me to gesture with his hand. “…they’re lucky to have you Faith. Buffy is lucky to have you.”
I catch the hint of sadness beneath the words, maybe remembering a time when all of this was nearly his. It does make me stand a little taller, feel a little prouder. His words do mean a lot to me, he means a lot to me.
“And Cordy is lucky to have you.”
He just smiles, still not admitting what I know so surely is growing between them. I get that, I know the difficulties they have, but I’m like an advocate of difficult relationships now. I’m the number one poster child for making it all work out.
“Do you want to go back inside Faith, make an announcement about your new business venture?”
“How about we keep it a little hush for now, let me hash it over some more with B first… she’s still not sure, worried that taking cash for saving lives is kinda crass.”
“I understand the sentiment.”
“No way Angel, we can’t all get by on a black coat and a couple of litres of pigs blood, families cost money, and now I kinda have a family to support.”
He smiles again, raises his eyebrows to me.
“You really did go all Marcia Brady.”
“Yeah, found myself a nice little niche with Mary Poppins.”
I shoot him a light thump to the shoulder, gesture towards going inside.
“Come on, better rejoin the party, maybe if we’re lucky then the it’ll go the way of all of Buffy’s parties, then you guys won’t be able to up and leave me just yet.”
I wink a little, but I mean it a lot. There is a tiny slice of me that kinda wishes for a little catastrophe, just a little something to keep them here a little longer. It’s a selfish thought though, so I just smile and lead the way. Head back into my home.
Or her home. It isn’t like I moved in yet. Not officially.
And nothing has gone wrong, just a whole lot of good. The hour creeping close to one, the time for them to leave me approaching as fast as anything that you never really want to arrive so soon. A couple of us are a little juiced, me and Cordy shooting some shots, Anya making demonic work out of a half a bottle of whisky.
“You MUST come back for the wedding Cordelia, it’ll be nice having all of Xander’s conquests together in one room…”
“Hey, he never conquered me!”
“Me neither An, it was more a case of me conquering him.”
“Well, he definitely conquered me with all of that oozing masculinity. You really were quite foolish to let him go, and now it’s too late.”
Poor girl is delusional.
“Yeah, I’ve been kicking myself since I left Sunnyhell, ‘why oh why did I let the stud muffin go?’, Cordy too, I’ve seen her do her fair share of pining.”
“Ha! Well the ship has sailed!”
She’s wavering a little in her seat as she points out the man of the moment, playing cards with Giles and Wes, probably trying to get enough money together to skip out on the wedding. I just wanna know if it’s appropriate to knock the sailing ship over the head with my empty bottle of beer…
“So when is the wedding Anya, do you have outfits picked out?”
“As soon as possible, we did have it planned for sooner, but then Tara had to get herself taken and Faith had to get herself dead…”
“Gee, sorry An.”
“Apology accepted, just try and stay alive now please, I really do want to get married.”
I kinda got that already.
“As for outfits, I want the green.”
“You’re having a green dress? Is that a demon thing?”
Cordy’s eyes are wide with fashion disapproval, making Anya shake her head in all sorts of amusing ways. “No, not me, the bridesmaids! I would never wear green, it’s a horrid colour.”
“So why for the bridesmaids?”
“So I look more radiant, as the bride I should look radiant, the green will lessen them, and therefore make me more appealing.”
And I’m just glad I’m not a damn bridesmaid.
“Nice logic.”
“Thank you Cordy, I knew that someone would understand.”
I go to make a comment about not having a fucking clue, but my mind flow is interrupted by the phone ringing loud, all of the room looking up at the intrusive noise, not expecting anyone to call at such a late hour. As it is it’s Dawn that’s nearest and so her that lifts the receiver.
“Uh, hello?”
“Yes, he is, one moment.”
She covers the mouth piece, looks across at the poker players. “It’s for you Giles, I think it’s the mother ship.”
“Who?”
“England, the council.”
And there goes my stomach. My eyes fly to Buffy, see the inquisitive look that she’s shooting at me. Catch the ‘what the hell?’, that she mouths across the room. And how the fuck do I know? I just watch Giles as he makes his way to the phone, takes the receiver with him into the kitchen, not even my ears able to make out the hushed words of the watcher.
It’s soured the mood, no one speaking, all of us waiting. No one able to guess what they could want and Giles’ face giving nothing away when he eventually returns.
“What do they want?”
She speaks before I do. Asks my question.
“Right, well, it seems we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”
“What sitch?” And there’s my voice. Not wavering, not yet. Still clinging onto the happy home atmosphere. Believing in the dream.
“The council have informed me that there is a rogue slayer on the loose, that they think she’s heading to Sunnydale.”
What the fuck? What the fucking fuck!?
“No way Giles, that’s crap! Everyone knows that I’m not some fucking rogue anymore, Jesus, what the fuck is it with them guys?”
“Calm down Faith.”
“Fuck calm, I’m sick of this crap, fuck calm, fuck the council, and fuck this!”
I pull myself up fast, glad my body can take the shots without sending me woozy, I don’t need woozy, I’m too damn pissed. I can’t believe that after all of this time they are back on my case again! I am not a fucking rogue!
“Faith, wait?”
Her voice reaches out through my rage, and begins to placate me, urging the feel of the fear to loosen across my shoulders. I go and stand at her side, face the watcher and wait to hear the rest of the crap. I feel so tense, so ready to burst and I know that she can sense it, her fingers reaching up to soothe across my back.
“What the hell is going on Giles?”
“I can’t believe that we didn’t consider this, it really was quite simpleton of us all.”
Now everyone is standing, all of them crowding in, all of them waiting.
“They’re not talking about Faith, that’s it, isn’t it Giles?”
I turn to Wes, back to Giles. Catch the nod, realise the absolute obvious.
“Holy crap.”
“Am I missing something here?”
“Think about it Cordy, I died…”
“…so another slayer was called. Oh my god.”
If a room could get more quiet than silent, then it just happened. Maybe considering how stupid we were to not even think it, maybe considering the thought of a chosen three, where just a second ago there was two. Maybe even considering just how dangerous and volatile a rogue slayer can be. That’s where my thoughts lie… what I was. What’s out there now.
“Do we know her name Giles?”
“Yes Buffy, I believe that they said it was ‘Kennedy’.”
Kennedy.
Kennedy the Vampire Slayer.
I roll it around in my head. The name fizzing through my system. Maybe even speaking it out loud. And I just can’t wait to meet her. This girl. This rogue.
The slayer who has replaced me.
Chapter 35
POV Faith
I hit the ground and roll fast, keeping my body locked tight, ready to spring up and explode, a flurry of fists, a knee to the jaw and BAM! Dust. Gotta love it. I turn to B, offer her a smile that says I wanna be her champion, slide a little wink across the graveyard and walk my way in close.
“Whaddya say B, you like my moves?”
“I’ve seen them all before, I perfected those moves.”
“Aw, don’t be like that…” I slip my stake back into my jacket and throw my arm lightly across her shoulders. “…it’s alright to be a little bitter, I know I slay way more than you, but still girlfriend, you’ve gotta be impressed.”
“You slay way more than me?”
She shakes off my arm and turns to face me. “You make it sound like you keep count Faith, please don’t tell me you keep count?”
“Don’t tell me you don’t?”
“No way! This is team work, not a competition.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Faith…”
“No, it’s cool, I’m sure if your numbers were as impressive as mine you wouldn’t wanna shout about it. Must just be me, I’m so damn bad.”
“You’re such a damn show off.”
I know that, but I can’t help it. A little piece of me still wanting to impress her. As eager as the first time I’d had her eyes on me, to show her everything that I’m capable of.
“As long as you keep watching the show B, then everything’s good.”
Her eyes slide deliciously over me, her face coming closer till her lips place a soft kiss against my own. “I’ll keep watching the show, and you can keep being centre of attention.”
With that she turns and walks ahead of me, shaking her ass and stretching up her arms… definitely putting on a show. The kinda show I like, the kind of show that has me forgetting all about numbers and competition, and thinking instead about how much attention I want to lavish onto her.
“How long till we can call it quits?”
“We’ve covered most of the cemeteries, I don’t know… maybe we should swing by the docks again?”
“You really think that she’ll be down there? From all the info we’ve had, I figure the girl likes her accommodation a little cleaner than the poor side of town.”
That makes her stop again, turn to face me again.
“Are you feeling anything?”
“Bored?”
“Very funny. Are you feeling anything from her? Are you sensing anything?”
I try and centre myself, separate the slayer side of things from the normal side of things, slow my heart and take a deep breath in, a slow breath out. Searching, feeling…
“Nope, not a thing. I get the vamp buzz, get the you buzz, nothing else.”
“Me neither.”
It’s been the same way for three days. Three nights. Us sent out to search, and nothing here to find. Everyone is hanging in limbo, waiting for the latest in the line of wayward warriors to make her move. Angel has stayed, Cordy too of course… but the others have headed home, gone to fight the fight on their own turf. In my opinion Angel could’ve gone too, but who knows, the guy has a way with slayers, especially the rogue kind. And I like having him here. I’m not complaining.
“Maybe the council are wrong B, maybe she’s not headed here at all, it would be kinda stupid if she’s as dangerous as they say she is, why come here?”
“For the challenge?”
“No way, if I was her I’d stay as far away as possible from the only people that could bring me down.”
“Maybe she thinks that she can bring us down.”
And I can’t help laughing a little. A chuckle. A roll of the eyes. “Like to see her try.”
“Careful what you wish for.”
She says it with that ominous tone, but I just ain’t buying it. The girl would have to be fucking crazy to try and take on two of her own. But then maybe she is, the council haven’t given Giles a glowing reference, just plenty of reports about her instability.
“I dunno, it just doesn’t feel right, and I sure as hell don’t trust the stuffy shirt brigade. I bet that there’s more to it. What did they say about her watcher?”
She brings her finger up to her lips, cocks her head over to the bushes, and reaches her hand inside of her jacket. I guess we have more company. I’m half tempted to show off some speed again, make her mouth wet with my snazzy show of fucking fast. But hey, a girl don’t wanna hog the limelight. Plus standing back and watching has it’s own advantages too.
I offer her a silent nod and take a step backwards, telegraph that this one is all for her. I’m just a voyeur. Happy to watch as she turns and saunters slowly over, pushes a hand inside of the bush and pulls out our latest late night snack attacker, only…
“No way, you have got to be fucking kidding me!”
There in her hand, cowering under the strength of her grasp, is Andrew. Our boy wonder, our squirming maggot.
“Sneaking around in bushes Andrew, I thought you would have learnt that lesson?”
He shakes and shivers, tries to make some form of intelligible sentence, gets stuck somewhere with the ‘Uh… um… I…’. Gotta say it’s pathetic, gotta say it’s pissing me off.
I stalk over to her holding him and push my face into his, snarl out my words to make him shiver more. He deserves it. He so fucking deserves it.
“You better start talking, and you better make it quick. I’ve got no time for you and your pissy little pants, I do have a whole heap of pain for ya though.”
Buffy drops him at my comment, perhaps wondering if the kid really did piss his pants, I wouldn’t know, I just know I want him to, want him to be scared, want him to know that hiding and listening in on slayers is as bad as it gets. The first time he was lucky, he got away with it because there was too much going on, this time he won’t be lucky. I’m ready to settle scores.
“I didn’t… I wasn’t…”
I give him a little tap, just a little snap of toe against his belly. Like play, nothing yet like pain. “Not what I’m looking for Andrew, what were you doing?”
His eyes are getting watery, his nose runny.
“Back off Faith, I can’t stand it if he starts crying. Let me have a go.”
She crouches down in front of him and I back a distance away. About a distance of not very far. I can handle her playing good cop, bad cop, but this boy had better have answers. He cost us Tara, he cost me my life. He fucked around with things that he never should have fucked with. I would’ve let him off if he had stayed away. But back here? Snooping again?
“So come on then Andrew, what’s going on?”
“It’s nothing, I wasn’t doing anything…”
“Hmmm, not so believable. First of all, you’re hiding in bushes, secondly I have to think that you’re following us, and thirdly, you have a history of playing for the team marked ‘bad’. I’m gonna need an explanation, and if you want Faith to stay at being nice, I’m going to need it now.”
He sits himself up on his haunches, does nothing to stop the tears from flowing freely down his cheeks.
“I said ‘now’ Andrew.”
I can’t take much more. His tears are bullshit, he is bullshit.
I go to move in again, hear him squeal a sound that even Dawn would be embarrassed to make. “This is fucking pointless B, let me get it out of him…”
“No! No… I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you everything.”
“You’d better do Andrew, she’s getting antsy. She’s mean when she’s antsy.”
“Okay… I wasn’t being bad, I’m not bad anymore, I’m good now, I’ve joined the light side of the force…”
Of for fucks sake.
“You’re not a fucking Jedi!”
He gives me an intense look and I wait for the mind melt. It doesn’t come. What does come is my fast waning patience, reaching around B and grabbing the boy by the ear. Pulling him up, holding him in front of me. “No more crap, no more games. Just tell us straight, what the fuck are you doing here?”
“I WAS telling you!”
“You were trying to redeem yourself, you have to earn redemption Andrew, you can’t just claim it.”
Her tones are much calmer than mine, her hand cooler as it slides across my arm, beseeches me to release him again.
“Fine B, but he damn well better start talking sense, I’ve got places to be, and I’m not averse to feeding this fuck to the fishes when I get there.”
“Andrew?”
“I was visiting Johnathan… that’s all. I came to see Johnathan.”
Oh please.
“Johnny boys dead, Warren took care of that, now think again…”
I just wanna hit him. He hurt me, he hurt B, he hurt my family.
“Faith wait, I want to hear.”
“I know he’s dead… I saw, I just… this is where he is. Where he’s… buried.”
Now his tears are streaming, and a tiny piece of me, just a tiny piece, it feels a little bit shitty. He still hurt me though, and I’m not ready to flow out forgiveness. Johnathan knew what he was doing, they all knew what they were doing.
“Show me.”
He pulls himself up and starts to wander aimlessly amongst the gravestones, the whole time talking about what great friends they were, how it was never meant to be this way, they never wanted this. But then neither did we. They asked for it, we didn’t.
“He’s here… that’s where he is.”
We come to stop in front of a fairly new plot, just a small stone, a small reminder. And he falls to his knees, sobs uncontrollably, and starts talking to the earth. Jumbles of words, snivels of snot. Again I feel a twinge, a part of a place that isn’t hardened by hurt.
“Still doesn’t explain what the fuck you were doing following us, hiding in the bushes.”
And I push it down. I don’t want to trust him.
“Faith…”
“No B, this kid has got a lot to answer for, I don’t trust him.”
She nods her head, sighs as she turns back to him. “I have to agree with her Andrew, I’m sorry you lost your friend, losing people is never easy… but the bushes, why were you following us?”
He looks up to us from the floor, wipes his hands across his eyes and steps up to standing. “I wasn’t following you, I swear it, I was following the other one.”
My eyes fly to Buffy, her eyes fly to me. The other one?
“What other one?”
“You know? The other one like you.”
And there is something that I wasn’t expecting. My senses instantly raised, searching again, feeling her out, the hairs across my neck rising with the thought that she has been watching us. Freaky feeling.
“I think that you should come with us, don’t you Andrew?”
You what?
“What the fuck B?”
“He can tell us all that he knows, he can tell all of us what he knows.”
“Yeah, cos that went so well the last time.”
“I told you, I’m different… I’m on the path of good now…”
“It’ll be fine Faith, because if it isn’t, if he so much as breathes a wrong move, then there is a whole house full of people that will take retribution on him. He understands that, don’t you Andrew?”
His head is nodding up and down, eyes flitting one last time to Johnathan. “I’m good now, I’ll be good. I promise.”
What fucking ever. All I know that is that if he isn’t, if he dares to play at any tricks, then I will be the first in the queue to teach him why he never should have messed with our home. Maybe second in the queue. Maybe third.
The boy had better keep his promise.
It hadn’t been the happiest of homecomings, all of the gang in attendance, waiting to see if we had unearthed anything regarding psycho slayer mark two. Not that they call her that, much too polite, but I know that they think it a little. Sending me apologetic glances every time they talk about ‘rogue’ and ‘crazy’ in the same sentence as slayer. I wanna tell them that I’m over it, that bygones have passed and I’m not at all sensitive about my former wacky days. That would be lying though.
I spoke to B about it, of course I did, we have a regular little care and share thing going on now. She asks, I grunt, she asks again, I grunt louder. It works. We’ve managed to sift through most of the crap that sent me skating over the edge before, both of us apologising as if we weren’t just kids that didn’t have a fucking clue, and now she understands how I feel. I hate what I was before, I hate who I was, and what I became… I’ll always be sensitive about it, because it was my choice to go that way. There may have been markers, little shoves in wrong directions, but I made my choices. I folded all the fucking corners under, and made my own damn bed.
So yeah, I call her psycho slayer mark two, because in my head that’s what she is. Don’t know her reasons yet, her pushes and her shoves. But I do understand what she is tasting, what the power of the darkness feels like.
They had all stood expectantly as I marched through the door, nearly all of them falling back down in shock as B had marched our new prized possession, in right after me.
“What is HE doing here?”
“Cool it Red, he’s not here to party, we found him at the cemetery, he’s got a little info.”
“No! I don’t want him here, we don’t want him here…”
“Sweetie…”
“No Tara, there’s no place for him here, guys?”
Willow had held her arms out and implored the gang, all of them nodding, all of them agreeing with her quick judgement. I know that I agreed with it. Couldn’t see why we hadn’t just interrogated him in the cemetery and then cut him loose. Or cut him. I had hated seeing him back in the house, back in the centre of the homestead.
“I’m with Wills here.” Xander had spoken next, eyeing up the intruder with all the disdain that I felt. “He’s bad news, he shouldn’t be here.”
“I agree with Xander. And why is he crying, did you hurt him? Did you hurt him bad?”
“No Anya, we didn’t hurt him. I’ve assured him that everyone is going to hurt him if he doesn’t cooperate though, so yay, could be fun times ahead.”
Buffy had dragged him over to the same sofa that I had questioned him on the last time, denied him all rights to water, denied him everything except the chance to speak, to answer queries.
“So what do you know, what have you seen?”
He travelled his shaking eyes over all of us, flitting about nervously, even more so when I approached him, toying with him. His gaze finally coming to rest on Tara, spotting the softest touch and clinging to it for dear life.
“I saw her two nights ago, I was visiting Johnathan…”
“I thought Johnathan was dead?”
“Yeah, he is Red, Andrew keeps a vigil at the graveside, probably praying for his soul.”
She narrowed her eyes on him, no doubt considering turning him toadish. I caught the not so impressed looks as well though, the shaking head from Angel, the pained glance from Tara. Couldn’t help it, the boy had hurt my family.
“Carry on Andrew.”
“Right, I was visiting… and uh, I saw her. She thought that I might be one of them, you know… the Vampire, the night walkers.”
“She’s not so hot with the senses then?”
“Faith, please be quiet.”
Giles had told me to be quiet? Or he had asked me. All the same, it had thrown me for a minute. I knew that I should hush, knew that I wasn’t the best one to be throwing out commentary on all that was happening, but it was like I couldn’t control it. I was mad at Andrew, freaked about the new girl, pissed about my past. It was hard to keep a lid on it.
Luckily for me, the girl that holds my heart, also knows my feelings, and she had the foresight to come and stand with me, to lead me away from a direct line of attack to sit on the sofa next to Red, maybe putting the scariest two together, easier to keep an eye on.
“What does she look like? The council didn’t give us too much to go on, all that we know is that she is seventeen, she has dark hair. That she is most definitely a little unstable…”
“She’s beautiful.”
“Huh?”
“She’s beautiful, her eyes are like the darkest chocolate. Her hair sways behind her like an untamed beast, flowing wild with the wind. Her body as lithe and supple as any…”
“Jeez, what is this, I thought Xander was the one with a hotspot for slayers?”
Cordy always made me laugh, it didn’t change then.
“He does NOT! His only hotspot is for me, plus everyone knows that slayers are as gay as they come, it’s a female empowerment thing.”
Yeah. That’s what she said. I let B question that one, I was still under my ‘keep quiet’ orders.
“All slayers are gay? That’s a little general isn’t it Anya?”
“Oh, is it really Buffy? I only know two slayers, both of them are gay. Sorry for stating the obvious.”
In a warped kind of way she almost had a point, in that we are two slayers and we are very much into each other. Not so keen on the label though, never been a label kind of girl.
“Can we discontinue the research into the slayer sexual preference and get back to learning more about this new slayer?”
“Sorry Giles, but Anya did start it.”
“Actually Buffy, Cordelia started it.”
“I was only saying, his description was quite erotically charged, it reminded me of someone.”
She pointed her look back to Xander again. And I almost laughed again. Sitting back though and watching without taking part in the banter, I could almost appreciate how wearing it must get for an info guy like Giles, so instead I cleared my throat and called attention back to the vermin.
“Did you speak to her, after she thought you were a ‘night walker’?”
“Uh… I spoke a little bit, I said I knew the slayer, the other slayers, then she asked where you lived but I wouldn’t tell her. She hit me, and that’s all. Now I follow her. I’m looking out for her.”
“What the fuck are you gonna do for her, you’re scared of your own shadow.”
“She’s all alone, I just wanted to…” He shrugged his shoulders, tried to look imploringly at a whole bunch of people that didn’t want his imploring look. “…I thought if I could be her friend, if I could help her, then maybe I could make it up to all of you…”
And that had caused an uproar of sorts. Willow losing it again, assuring him that there was no way that he would be making it up to her, Angel wading in to try and calm the storm, Xander taking umbrage with Angel, Cordy taking offence there. It was all sorts of messed up, all sorts of non happy home like. We didn’t need the turmoil, we were so past a need for turmoil of any sort.
I don’t know who called the break till morning, who’s idea it was to try and sleep on some of the upset, but it was a welcome call. Everybody taking the moment to draw breath, to look around and take stock, to remember that attacking each other was not the way that things should go.
“What about him though, I don’t want him sleeping in the house, surely you understand that Buffy, surely you don’t want him here with Dawn, with any of us?”
“He’s harmless Wills, I’m a little more worried about what one of you might do to him, rather than anything else.”
“Red’s got a point B, can’t just let him wander around, how do you know that he’s not working with her, waiting on another opportunity to sell us all down the river?”
I’d gotten a few nods for my very valid argument.
“Well what do you suggest Faith?”
“Lock him in the basement with the rats.”
“We don’t have rats.”
“Well now we do.”
And that had sealed his fate. A night spent down below, with Angel keeping sentry duty. It seemed fair to me. He had messed with my family, I didn’t want to give him a return try, another chance to damage what was just being put back together. No way. No chances.
I knock softly on the door, just checking that it’s okay to enter, giving the girl the opportunity to control her own environment.
“Who is it?”
“Me.”
“Oh, come on in.”
Finding her laying on her favourite spot on the bed, head down the wrong end, feet in the air, writing furiously in one of her little books. Journals. A written record of everything that is occurring.
“Hey kid, shouldn’t you be hitting the hay, school tomorrow, don’t wanna see ya snoozing through your classes.”
“Ha! Like it makes a difference. Knowing this house, they’ll be another apocalypse due the middle of next week, and then the classes will all seem redundant. Plus I have double gym tomorrow, it’s nothing worth sleeping for.”
I can see her point. It must be damn hard to keep a focus on school work when you live a life like hers.
“Still, you know Buffy’s gonna be pissed if you flunk. Can’t have two Summer’s girls flipping burgers for a living.”
“I was going to apply to the pizza place, there’s definite advancement in spreading cheese over flat bread bases.”
“You wanna work at the pizza parlour?”
“Not really, but it’d be worth it to see the look on Buffy’s face.”
She smiles a devilish little grin, flips herself round and closes her book, tosses the pen across the room to land perfectly on the desk.
“Hey, nice aim!”
“I play with the cross bows when no one’s here, it helps.”
More grin. More sass.
“So what ya writing in the book about?”
“It’s private.”
“Uh-huh, so whatcha writing about?”
“You really want to know?”
“I share secrets with you, seems a fair trade.”
She opens the journal again and runs her fingers through the pages, her eyebrows knitting as if in deep concentration. Her gaze flitting between me and the words.
“It’s mostly just girls stuff, school stuff, Janice is hot for Kevin, I’m documenting her progress…”
“Is Kevin a hottie?”
“No, he smells, but he can do a mean ‘kick flip’ on his board and Janice loves her skater boys.”
Kick flip? Sounds like a slaying term.
“Riiight… so what about you, who you crushing on?”
“I don’t crush, I’m way too mature.”
“So no one?”
“I’m saving myself for Brad Pitt, he keeps calling, but you know how it is. Gotta get through high school first.”
I love this kid, she makes me laugh.
“Responsible, I like it.”
“Yeah. Brad’s not so keen.”
She closes up the book again and lays down on her back, settles her eyes somewhere on that space upon the ceiling. And I know the kind of things that live there, the cracks to be counted, the thoughts that won’t be shifted.
“So what else is up, apart from the Brad thing?”
“Andrew.”
Oh. I guess she’s a little wary of him too.
“It’ll be okay kid, I won’t let him hurt you, I won’t let him hurt any of us this time. Angel is watching him tonight, you’re safe.”
The look that she throws at me is full of rolling eyes, and shaking heads. “You think that I’m afraid of Andrew?”
“Aren’t you?”
And now she laughs. It’s good that we can amuse each other.
“Not likely, he’s a wiener, and a terrified wiener at that. I could never be afraid of him.”
“So what’s the what?”
“I don’t know Faith… I feel, I guess I feel sorry for him. He’s just so… pathetic?” I nod my agreement. “And everyone is being so mean. I know that he was wrong, I know that he was really wrong… but I don’t think that he meant it, and couldn’t we just…”
She looks as if she is afraid of me now, afraid of saying what she feels.
“Hey, spit it out right?”
“Can’t we give him another shot, can’t we forgive him?”
Oh whoa, no, not a flying fuck of a chance.
“Not likely Dawnie, the kid tried to destroy our family, he nearly did… man, think about that, think about the things that he did… I won’t let him off with that. You shouldn’t either.”
“I thought that you’d be more…”
I feel it prickling at the back of my mind. Tripping across my conscience. Fight it down. Beat it back.
“Don’t say it Dawn, it’s not happening.”
I turn from her, go to the door, throw a last comment over my shoulder. “Get to bed, you’ve got school.”
And then I flip the lights.
I knew what she meant, of course I did. It didn’t mean that I was ready to examine it though, not in there. Not with her. I had grunted my way successfully through my past with B, but I still recognised that there was so much left unsaid, so much left ungrunted. There were reasons that I wanted to ride Andrew’s ass so hard, reasons that I needed to.
He hurt me. He hurt B. He tried to destroy my family.
I remember the body swap with such clarity, the moment in the church when it all came crashing down around me. Faced with myself, faced with what I was, a moment when my fiercest punches rained down to try and destroy everything that I could see looking up at me. Hurting Andrew now, was like taking pot shots at myself then.
I’ve managed to outrun the self doubt, managed to see that I’m so different now, that I’m not that person anymore, that I could never be that person again. But I see the bigger picture, I feel it deep inside. I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for all of it. I have their words, I have their smiles, I have their acceptance of this new me, but the joke of it all, is that the more time I spend with them, the closer I get to them… the more that I learn to despise all that I did to them.
It’s so easy to ignore the sad looks from Angel, the pained expressions from Tara, because I’m so angry at everything I have done. I understand so much better now. I know how much that I hurt her.
“Someone’s looking mighty pensive.”
Cue the grunting.
“Ooo, grunts, my favourite form of communication.”
I dare to let my eyes find hers, dare to see the sparkle that she has for me, the shine that she bestows on me. And I can’t help but feel the smallest of chokes in the back of my throat. I tried so hard to destroy her.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing wrong B, just… stuff.”
I close my eyes now as she slides down on the bed beside me, her hand feeling so soft as it wipes the hair from my face to behind my ear, feeling the weight shift around as she brings her head to rest on the pillow next to me. Whispering words to make me feel better, only making my heart feel worse.
“If it’s bad stuff Faith, you know that you can talk about it. I’m here.”
I think of Andrew down below, how much hate I have for him, how much rage, how much anger I feel inside for everything that he did to us. And it’s crushing, an unbearable weight of things that I need to say. Not grunts. But words.
“I hurt you so bad, didn’t I B?”
“Huh?”
“I get it now, I understand it now. I hurt you so bad.”
“Faith, what’s going on, what are you talking about?”
I turn to my side to face her, I want her to see, I want her to know. My tears rival the boys as they slide down my cheeks, my lips aching as I bite my way into them.
“I never really got it, I got that I was sorry, that I was wrong, that I fucked up big style… but I never got it till now. Never understood.”
“You’re scaring me a little here, I don’t know what you mean.”
She is nothing but caring as her fingers trace the tracks of pain from my eyes, wiping them away, offering me all of those special little smiles still. “What are you talking about?”
“Everything. Everything that I did to you, everything that I tried to take from you… the whole fucking lot of it B. I get it now.”
“We’ve talked about this, we forgave each other… I don’t understand…”
I hush her with my finger, bring it up to her lips.
“I never had a family, I never had a home. I never knew what I was fucking around with, and now… damn. Now I feel it, now I know.”
Deep breaths.
“It’s so damn special B, you, Dawn, all of you, and having him here, knowing what he did, what he tried to do to us… I fucking hate him. I want to end him, I want to destroy him, I want to make him pay for all of it.”
“I get that, he’s not top of my Christmas card list either.”
No jokes.
“No B, I HATE him. I’ve never felt like this, not ever this much.”
And it’s true. Even when I had hatred for her, it was selfish, a different kind of hatred. This is so much more… this is my family for fucks sake. This is everything. And with that understanding comes the worst knowledge, the realisation of not only how much all that I did must have hurt her, but also how much she must have hated me. It scares me. It hurts me.
Her brow is furrowing before me, her own eyes becoming sad like mine. Tears gathering without reason.
“I don’t know what to say Faith, he won’t be here long. We just need to find out what he knows, and then… well, then he can go back to stalking the graveyard. Quit worrying so much baby, it’s okay.”
“How much did you hate me?”
“What?”
“Back then… I did as bad as him, I did worse maybe. There was your mom, your sister, your friends… I tried to take that all down. How much did you hate me?”
She shakes her head, gentle. Still gentle.
“We don’t need to do this, it’s past. It’s done. I love you.”
“How much?”
“Faith?”
She doesn’t get it. Maybe I don’t get it. But I need to know… because what I feel inside for him, it’s eating at me. Tearing at me. Reminding me again of the darkness, how easy it would be to end him. To take him out. To stop him from ever hurting any of them ever again. And so I need to know how much she hated me. How she ever forgave me. How I forgive myself.
“Please B, just answer me. How much?”
The way that she pulls herself up is less gentle. A need to wipe at her tears now, to look at me with all sorts of confusion.
“Why are you doing this? I don’t want to do this.”
“I need to do this.”
Her eyes steel. Her expression hardens.
“Fine. I hated you like nothing else, is that what you want to hear? I wanted you dead, I wanted you gone… I couldn’t understand why you wanted to hurt me so much, what I had done to ever make you want to take so much from me…”
“Your family.”
“Yes Faith. My family. I could’ve dealt with me, if it was just me you were hurting, but my god… you hurt mom, you could’ve hurt Dawn. You were willing to kill my friends… that was what I couldn’t deal with. That’s what hurt so bad. That’s why I couldn’t just forgive you.”
“I understand now.”
I think that she thinks that I have lost the plot. Maybe lost several plots. Her head shaking again, her body tensing.
“What the hell is this about? You understand what?”
I stand from the bed and walk round to her side. Kneel before her on the floor, wait until her eyes have settled into mine. My fingers now raising to wipe away her tears, the ones that I caused.
“I understand what I did. I feel how much I hurt you.”
“Faith…”
“No, I have to say it. You have to hear it.”
Her teeth clench tightly to her lip, but her eyes never leave mine. I don’t know if she understands exactly what this is all about, I’m not sure if I do, but she is letting me do it, she is giving me what I need.
“I’m sorry Buffy. I am so damn sorry, every pain I caused you, every fucked up thing that I did… I’m sorry.”
I try and emphasise the word. Make it mean even more. Settle back down and await her reaction.
“You are so beautiful.”
Not what I was expecting.
“B…”
“No… you had your turn, now I get mine.”
She moves herself from the bed to sit beside me on the floor, on her knees. Her hands coming down to hold my hands, her fingers lacing their way between mine. “I have never not had a family Faith, never not had a home, I’ve always had love… the same way that you never understood what it was like to have it, I never understood not having it. Yes, you hurt me, yes, in so many ways I hated you… but none of that can come close to how much I forgive you.”
Now my head shakes. I don’t mean it to. It just does, her hand leaving mine to prevent it from falling off.
“And you can stop that right now. Yes what you did was wrong, but you’ve said it yourself… you didn’t understand. I don’t think either of us understood, maybe if we had, we could’ve got to this place a whole lot sooner. You have to let go of it baby, you have to forgive yourself like I have, like we all have.”
“Just like that?”
“Trust me, you’ll feel much better for it. Less burdened.”
I love her smile.
“And Andrew?”
I also love the funny faces that she pulls.
“I don’t forgive him, not yet. But I don’t hate him. I get why you do… this is all new to you right? You feel like he wants to take it away?”
“I want to end him, I don’t want to feel like that.”
“You don’t Faith, you want to protect us, it’s a difference.”
Is it? It feels the same.
“Can we end him a little?”
Now I love her laugh.
“No! What we can do is keep an eye on him, listen to him, maybe understand what he has to say. It won’t be easy, I saw Wills put the evil eye on him… but Tara will work on her, it’s all about chances Faith. You know that yourself… I think that he deserves a chance.”
“I think that he needs a smack.”
“You into spanking boys?”
Everything that she is doing is about calming me down. Lightening the sombre assed mood that I have inflicted upon us. And I let her. I need her to.
“More for the girls, but I’m not totally against the idea.”
“Well maybe tomorrow you can give him a little spank, just to make you feel better, okay?”
“I love you B.”
“And I love you. Definitely working out better for us than the hate.”
“Much better.”
“Plus there’s the perks.”
“Perks?”
“Hot sex, I never got the hot sex with the hate.”
I feel my eyebrows waggling out my thoughts before I even think them. Dancing seductively across my face, suggesting all sorts of naughty pastimes.
“You in the mood for the hot sex B?”
“I’m in the mood for you.”
Her own brows don’t dance like mine did, she just smiles a radiant smile at me, lifts herself up and holds out a hand, starts to slowly undress me. Piece by piece, layer by layer. Opening me up and making me hers. Making me better with every touch, forgiving myself with every kiss.
I don’t think about Andrew as she makes love to me, he doesn’t even once cross my mind, but I know deep down inside, below everything, below consciousness… somewhere underneath all of that, the hate is less. The darkness is less.
I start to forgive myself.
“Rise and shine sunbeam, got a busy day ahead of ya!”
I see Angel’s look, his confusion, his step back as he lets me near the prisoner.
“You okay Faith?”
“Never better, spirits soaring…”
“Should I ask?”
It’s all in the eyebrows.
“Not unless you’re into the sordid side of story telling.”
Andrew cowers back from me as I approach him, the happy set of my voice obviously doing nothing to allay his fears, everything about him remembering the danger of yesterday.
“Easy there tiger, I’m not gonna hurt ya.”
“You’re not?”
“Nah, I thought about it, weighed up the pros and the cons, but no… you’re safe for now. Just watch your step, cos you sure as hell know that I will be.”
“I told you… I want to be good now, I want to help…”
“Save it, it’s like Buffy said, you gotta earn that redemption, can’t just claim it.”
I offer him a hand up from the floor, try not to show my distaste at the sweaty feel of his palms.
“I’m ready to earn it.”
“Great! You can start by making apologies to Red, she might fry ya, but hey… she might not, then you can have some breakfast and make with the info. You up for that?”
“Uh… fry me?”
“Hell yeah, girls got wicked power. You never should’ve messed with her.”
I see and hear the gulp that travels his throat, and I will stop messing, but fuck it, the kid still has to pay something. I may hate less, but I’m not ready to impart hugs, to make it all better for him.
He staggers up the stairs, me hanging back a little to toss some words with Angel, to give him a little of the low down on the thoughts and feelings of the night before. I made him smile, made him proud again.
“Half of the battle is forgiving yourself.”
Sweet words. Believable words. A burden that I didn’t even realise was weighing me down feeling a whole lot lighter this morning. My step friskier, my shoulders looser. It’s all good.
We even managed to duck through the morning without any Andrew sized casualties. Everyone watching him, a couple of them extending out hands to him. Dawn of course… offering some hushed words, soft words, before she had left for the trauma of double gym. And of course Tara. The girl who never ceases to amaze me. But then she has no badness in her, it got her through hell, makes all of our home lives feel closer to heaven. She is the best at forgiveness, wiping his slate clean as soon as he had whispered and whined his way through sorry.
Buffy was business like. Stood next to Giles and awaiting the questions again, not being harsh, but not being soft either. Just prodding him gently to extract all that we needed.
“So you told us what she looks like. You told us how she fights. Is that everything, are you sure that there’s nothing else?”
And he had lit up like a fucking light bulb, almost jumping up and down in his seat.
“I’ve been following her!”
“Yeah Einstein, we got that, your point?”
I smiled as well, didn’t just rip into him.
“I uh… I know where she is staying!”
Oh my fucking good god. And he couldn’t have just said that the first damn minute that we got here. No. Too easy. I know I shook my head in exasperation, saw Giles and B copy me, saw everyone follow my trend.
But then we straightened up. Listened to him tell us the places that she goes to, the holes in which she hides. The clock ticking closer to sundown, the time when she starts to prowl, when she slays. It seems that the council may call her wacky, but she is wacky with a sense of duty. Patrolling the whole time that Andrew had ever followed her.
It leaves us with a lot of questions, a lot of confusion. Each minute passing, bringing us closer to our answers. We are ready to find her, to call her out. Hell, maybe to bring her home. Either way, whatever option, I know that tonight I am finally going to meet her.
Hyped is not even close.
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