POV Buffy.
She is so damn hyper. All day, ever since the morning interrogation of the not so evil genius, she has been bouncing off of the walls. Her tone reduced to nothing but coarse and cocky, banter falling from her lips every time that anyone has spoken to her. It gets wearing. Knowing why she’s bursting with the excitement, but not being able to share in the joy.
“Oh come on B, it’s like getting a new sister or something, it’ll be wicked.”
“A new psychotic sister. Gee. Can’t wait.”
Her eyes had dimmed for a moment with confusion, but then she had just shrugged her shoulders and gone back to her bouncing. “Well I think it’s cool, and all that psychotic stuff is just overkill. What psycho’s do you know go out and fulfil their heroic duty?”
She had a point, but I still couldn’t affix my best cheer voice and make with the high kicks. I just had a bad feeling about something, not a slayer bad feeling, an onset of warning of doom and of gloom, but a Buffy bad feeling. A little slice of women’s intuition.
Or jealousy.
I had never realised how much I liked being part of a ‘Chosen Two’. As in one plus one. Not one plus one, plus another one, because that makes three. And they say that two is company and three’s a crowd. I feel crowded already. Completely irrational, completely ridiculous, beyond selfish… but I just want to keep this bond as our own. I don’t want to feel a low down, back ground humming, whenever this new girl walks into my space, I don’t want to look into her eyes and know that we share an unbreakable connection. No. And I don’t want Faith to want it either. I want exclusive rights to the slayer bond.
So I had watched her bounce, and not bounced with her, listened to her jokes and not laughed with her. Everything going really well in the ‘feeling the fun times’ programme of events for the day.
“Hey Sweetie, are you okay?”
And I didn’t even notice that she was there. Had thought that the empty kitchen really was empty, showing just how off of my game I really am today.
“I’m good Tara, just thinking. You been standing there long?”
“Not long, just long enough to watch the thought process in action, and ouch… that many frown lines has to hurt.”
Her voice is so soft, so melodic, always urging that the hard times be less. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There really isn’t anything to talk about. No big crisis, no impending doomyness.”
“Are you and Faith okay?”
And here comes my smile. Because okay doesn’t even come close to covering it. Me and Faith are wonderful, we’re everything that I have ever wanted. “We’re perfect Tara, in fact, we’re more than perfect, take perfect and add a whole extra dollop of perfection. That’s nearly close.”
She moves over to where I’m sitting, grabs a stool and plonks herself down next to me. Her eyes alight with all kinds of happiness.
“That’s what I like to hear, everything going good in the land of the relationship.”
“Makes a change for me.”
“It’s a nice change. I like it.”
I find myself nodding, because I like it too. “What about you and Wills, you guys are all with the good again now, right?”
Cue more lighting eyes, more of the happy.
“We’re getting there. It’s been hard, with the magic, but she understands now. You can’t cure everything with a spell.”
I know that Willow has been spending a lot of time with Giles recently, re-learning the rules that she had so obviously flouted, understanding that every action has a reaction, that there’s always consequences, nothing comes for free. I also believe that she is going to be fine, she has Tara, and she has love, and that’s a pretty firm foundation for making the right choices.
“You can cure lots of things with love though Tara, I’ve learnt that lesson.”
“Sure, love helps, then there’s the understanding of course, the healing, forgiveness. I believe in her goodness Buffy, she may have touched the bad, messed around with the darkness, but she’s still my Willow, that’s what’s important.”
I nod my head in agreement, I know all about touching darkness, playing with the bad, and so I also know how important it is to see beyond that. How many good things you can miss if you’re too busy documenting the not so good.
“So are you ready for tonight?”
“Tonight?”
“Finding this new slayer, it has to be exciting, another girl like you, like Faith.”
“Uh-huh.”
Really. Everything that I have ever wished for.
“Buffy?”
“It’s nothing Tara, I’m sure it’s gonna be great. Three girls has got to be better than two, maybe we can rotate apocalypses.”
“I’m getting that you’re not overly happy?”
Is it that obvious?
“The council said that she’s rogue… I’m being cautious.”
“ Do you trust the council?”
Not even a small part of me. We don’t know the full story yet, probably won’t do until we meet this new girl, this Kennedy, but the fact that she’s here slaying makes me think that she isn’t as crazed with the rogue as we’re supposed to believe that she is.
“I don’t trust them, no, but that doesn’t mean that I’m hopping aboard the happy slayer train. Things have just settled down, I’ve barely had the chance to be slay girl with Faith yet, and I just, oh I don’t know. Have you ever heard the saying, ‘two’s company, three’s a crowd’?”
“I’ve heard it.”
“Well I feel like I’m living it. Being alone was horrible, one girl in all the world and all of that other isolated crap, but finding Faith again has beaten those feelings. I like her company. I don’t want to be part of a crowd.”
And boy that sounds stupid.
“That sounds kind of selfish Buffy.”
“You think? I was settling on stupid.”
Her laugh tinkles out and makes me smile. Her hand reaching out and encompassing my own. “Maybe silly, not stupid.”
Maybe both.
“I’m sure it’ll all be fine, I’m just worrying about things that I don’t need to worry about.”
“I think that you’re probably right. What does Faith have to say?”
I train my ears to listen down below, hear the sounds of her punches landing hard upon the training bag. Just a work out, just controlling some of the hyperness.
“Not so much with the saying, more with the bouncing. I think she’s pretty hyped, all kinds of eager to meet her successor. It’d be cute if I wasn’t so…”
“Jealous?”
“No! Not jealous… more like… cautious.”
“Because she’s rogue?”
Yes. No.
“Because she’s a slayer. Because she’s beautiful. Because maybe she can offer Faith everything that she could ever need, when just a few days ago, I was the only one who could ever do that.”
And now her head shakes, her sigh following fast.
“That IS kind of stupid. There’s a whole lot more to you and Faith, other than the slayer bonding. You love each other.”
“Of course we do, I know that, but…” And how do I explain it when I barely understand it myself. “…with me and Faith, I always felt that it started with the slayer thing. The only two in the world, the only one’s able to ever truly understand our burden, our calling. It’s special to me Tara, I don’t want to share that.”
“You really are worrying over nothing. Yours and Faith’s connection will always be special, you could create a thousand new slayers, and still you two would be special. There’s too much history, too many moments, too much of everything for anyone else to ever even dream about touching that.”
“You think so.”
“I know so.”
She gives another little squeeze of my hand, makes me almost feel silly for having the worries. All of her words reminding me of the security I have found in Faith. All of the private things, the things that no one else could ever touch.
“It’s still gonna be a little weird though, silly insecurities aside, I mean… what if she makes me buzz like Faith does. What if she makes Faith buzz? Faith is already buzzing enough…”
“Stop worrying!”
I try to.
“You have to remember Buffy that this girl never asked for this, the same way that you didn’t, that Faith didn’t, neither did she. If she is rogue, if she is a little from the unstable side of the tracks, then she is going to need your help… and even if she isn’t as bi polar as the council would have us believe, then she is still going to need your help. Cut her some slack, don’t go in there expecting the worst from her.”
“Yes oh wise one.”
I feel like I should bow to her wisdom, call her Sensei.
“Someone has to be the wise one.”
She has a good point. God knows where we would be if the whole gang was as unwise as I am. Not that I can’t be wise, just sometimes my wise part of the brain disengages in favour of the not so wise part. It’s a condition.
“I hope she isn’t rogue, nothing causes bruises better than a pissed off slayer. I remember.”
“There’s two of you though Buffy, even if she is, surely you can take her down, pacify her.”
Pacify her?
I forget that Tara wasn’t really here for Faith’s ‘bad patch’. She wouldn’t be using words like ‘pacify’, if she had of been.
“That’s right Tara, we’re all about the pacification.”
I pull myself up from my seat, feeling a little better now than I was a few minutes ago. Maybe even good enough to go and handle some of Faith’s bounciness. Good enough to spar with my partner. Not thinking at all that this spar, this moment, could be our last time together as a twosome.
Her eyes fall upon me as soon as I enter the room, not breaking her rhythm, not stopping her body from following through on it’s work out, just letting me know that she knows that I am here. A smile gracing her features, even as the grunts fall fast from her lips. And I know that I have thought it a thousand times before, but she really is beautiful.
“Hey baby, you want some company?”
She catches the bag between her wrapped hands, offers me a little cock of an eyebrow. “You wanna come and play B? I thought you weren’t ‘in the mood’, for training today?”
“I had a mood swing.”
She seems satisfied with my answer and turns her back to me, walks over to the bench and starts unwrapping her hands. The movement drawing my eyes, watching her fingers busy at work.
“What do you wanna train with? I haven’t done cross bow in a while, I think your sister’s aim is getting better than mine…”
Sister’s aim? Dawn has an aim?
“… or we could give the knives a go? Giles got a wicked new set, really nasty looking.”
I start to stretch my muscles out, bending and pulling, rolling my head around until I begin to really feel loose. Ready to play.
“I was thinking something like hand to hand, Faith. Just a little one on one?”
Her attention is grabbed. Her gaze locking into mine, the endless possibilities playing out over her face. And she slips so effortlessly into role, offers me some excitement.
“You think you can take me B?”
I want to.
I take up an attacking stance, let my eyes take a leisurely stroll across her body, holding myself tight over her curves, my breath catching on her lips.
“I know that I can take you.”
She loves a challenge.
What she offers me in return is the shit eating grin, her dimples on full show as she brings her body in closer, holds her hand out for me to shake.
“Fair fight B, may the best lady win.”
“I think we both know who’s going to win Faith”
“I love it when you get all aggressive.”
I take that as my cue to move, to spin in her hand and offer an elbow to the ribs. Nothing too hard, no more than a love tap.
“And I love it when you play submissive, it’s like I said, we both know who’s going to win.”
“I don’t do submissive.”
“Sure you do Faith.” I time my sweep to perfection, throw her attention with the look in my eyes and take the legs clean from under her. Pushing home my advantage, taking her arm in a tight hold and rolling her on to her front, letting my weight come to rest against her back. “Now this feels kind of submissive.”
“Lucky sweep B, I was distracted.”
The more that she strains up, the harder I hold her arm, edging it round to hurting point.
“I don’t believe in luck baby, I think that you just wanted to be underneath me. It’s the truth, you know it, I know it, you may as well submit to it.”
And is she laughing?
“Sorry B.”
What?
I lean in closer, whisper a request for a repeat of her words. Get nothing in return except the smash of her head. Hard. Knocking me from her back, making me bring my fingers up to my face.
“I can’t believe you did that!”
“Stop being such a wuss, you started the fighting dirty, and this here girl’s got a rep to protect.”
“I was NOT fighting dirty, and what the hell have you got in your head anyway? I’ve known rocks softer.”
No lie. That hurt.
Now it’s her turn to start to stalk me, her feet dancing softly round the mats as she eyes me up. Laughing a little to herself at my still pained expression. “Come on B, that was nothing.”
“It hurt!”
“You want a kiss better?”
And I feel a little slip of the mask as the slayer in me begs to make her appearance. Not liking the not being the aggressor. Needing to reaffirm my status. I see as she takes notice of the change, her own shoulders taking a second to go loose and then tensing back up. Just a small change, barely noticeable.
“Looks like the gloves are off B.”
“It’s the only way.”
Her smile is as large as mine as we start with the full on sparring. Years old routines of kicks and punches coming back to the fore. Every single combination, every practiced sequence of moves, we covered them all. Never really about hurting each other, just bringing out the best in each other. Slayer to slayer.
Our taunting words turning into words of encouragement, anytime that the fight was sliding one way over the other.
“Come on B, I know you’ve got better than that.”
Bringing me in for more when my body had urged it’s first rest.
“Jeez, even your kid sister hits harder.”
And turning straight back to taunting whenever a heavy shot was landed.
We went on for ages, trading blows, trading insults, trading love. Our hands covering every inch of naked skin in their pursuit of holds and of grips, every single one of our muscles stretched out and used, pushed to the point of pure freedom. It was exhilarating. The perfect work out. The perfect work up.
It ended with both of us on our backs, breathing heavily and just staring up at the dusty ceiling.
“I guess that answers it then B.”
“Answers it?”
“Who’s the submissive one.”
“It does?”
“Sure it does.” She rolls over to her side, props herself up on an elbow. “Neither of us wants to give up the top spot, must be something about the view.”
My memories flash to her underneath me.
“The view has always been good.”
“Then again, it could be something to do with the power.”
Remembering the sensation of being inside of her. Making her moan for me.
“I like the power too.”
My words have fallen to barely a whisper. Silenced by her fingers reaching out to gently touch me, just a faint graze, the tips across my cheek. And I forget all about my own power, lose myself somewhere in the power of her.
“Can I kiss you B?”
“You don’t need permission. You know that.”
Smiling at the submission in her request the whole time that her body is sliding over mine, taking the upper hand. Her hair falling down to enclose us in darkness, her lips reaching out to enclose us in a kiss. Such a perfect kiss.
“Nice.”
It’s the first thing that pops to mind.
“Just ‘nice’?”
She props herself up on her elbow again. Runs her fingers slowly down my side, stopping to trace out the edge of my training top, to sneak surreptitious grazes across the strain of my breast. I can feel myself beginning to ache with the need to be touched by her, growing taut with the expectation.
“A whole lot of nice.”
“Maybe this will make you think of more than nice, B.”
My pulse quickens in reaction to the dangerous glint shining bright in her eyes. The sexual smile that’s dripping from her lips. I think that I whimper again. I know that I want to. My eyes closing when I feel her mouth slide over my jaw, down to my neck, my head leaning back to give her the room to work with.
Her tongue slips slowly out to tickle deliciously across my shoulder, across to my chest, my thankful sigh filling the room as her lips close tight around a nipple.
“Jesus Faith.”
Feeling her teeth sharp through the barrier of my top as she bites playfully at me, sucking me in hard and then letting me go. Teasing me.
“What do you say B? Better than ‘nice’?”
She expects me to speak then?
When I open my eyes again, hers are locked tightly into mine. Still flashing with the dangerous glint, reaching deep inside of me. Making me flash danger of my own.
“That was hot as fuck Faith. Hot. As. Fuck.”
My words seem to echo against the stone walls of the basement. Bringing her back down to touch me, her lips taking mine in another kiss, her hands searching to find the skin beneath the top, fingers caressing flesh, pinching hard at my nipples. And I pull my way into her, demand that her thigh takes it’s place between my legs, that I can feel her against me. “I need you Faith.”
So much truth there. Knowing now that there is another, that there is three… it’s got me spooked. And I need this moment, this reaffirmation of her touch. Again. Only managing to resist a few hours at a time until I need to be with her. I need it to remember the bond that is so much more than the slayer.
I raise my arms up above my head as she pulls the top away from my body, her lips leaving patterns on every piece of skin travelled. Never stopping. Kissing her way down my stomach to get to my shorts. Pulling at the string, undoing a knot.
“I need you too.”
Smiling at her words, smiling at her touch. Pulling at my pants until they lay discarded on the floor. Her face rising up my body. Her tongue dipping out to run smooth across my pussy, edging my lips apart, losing myself in the sensation of mouths and of fingers. All so hot. All so here.
All so fucking fantastic.
I just about manage not to bite through the whole of my bottom lip when she makes me cum, my hands lost somewhere in her hair, my thighs wrapping tight about her head. Dying to scream, to holler out my absolute unending approval of everything that she does to me. Just biting though. Tight until she kisses me, her body laying warm and flush alongside me.
“That was some nice submission B.”
“Thank you. It felt good to give up the power.”
“It felt pretty fucking good to have it as well.”
Now it’s my turn to roll onto an elbow, to take my place above her.
“You wanna give it back now?”
The smirk that falls across her lips lets me know that she understood my meaning. My hand sliding down to her own shorts just in case she had missed it.
“I’m all for the sharing B.”
My fingers get as far as the inside of her waistband, before the door opens up on a flustered Willow. Walking down the steps, walking in on more than just a heavy spar session.
“Buff, Dawn’s asking if we can order Pizza… and oh my goddess! I am not seeing this. No way, got my eyes closed, I did NOT need to see that…” Her eyes peep out from between her fingers again. “… though now I can finally stop wondering about how that looks, but still… I didn’t see a thing.” She starts backing slowly away. Heading up the stairs. “Nothing. I saw nothing. I’m gonna go back to the kitchen now, maybe come back in a minute. Maybe ten.”
Holy crap.
“I think she nearly stopped breathing.”
“The girls got a talent.”
She’s also got eyes, eyes that just travelled over my very naked body, and my very busy hand. I don’t think that it’s the best way to get myself out of her dreams. And what was that she said?
‘…now I can finally stop wondering about how that looks…’
Oh god.
I make an impassioned, if somewhat late, grab for my shorts, just as an impressive grab made for my top. “This is all your fault Faith, getting all demandy like that…”
“I told you, I have a rep to protect.”
I laugh at her wink, it’s really the only way. Jumping up to standing when I hear the door go again. Feeling the flush.
“Yay, you have clothes!”
“Sorry Wills, got carried away.”
“Hey, no need to don’t apologise to me, not so good if Dawnie had walked in though…”
Point taken.
“So what’s the what then Red, we ordering this pizza?”
“I think so. Giles is treating again. Dawn wants it, Andrew wants it… I only came down to see if you two wanted it, but now I’m guessing you’ve already had it.”
“Funny Wills, really funny.”
She teases us all the time that we take to decide on an order, every sentence a fresh way to inflict embarrassment. And I let her, I’ll take my revenge. Some day. Just laughing along as she makes her way back up the stairs, leaving us to wallow in the shame all by ourselves.
“That was all sorts of uncomfortable.”
“You think? I reckon Red was totally scamming on you, I caught the hungry glances, saw the drool. That girl’s definitely got herself an appetite…”
“No! Not a chance!” I throw her my indignant look with much speed and great strength. “You’re only saying that because of the other day, I wish I hadn’t had told you now.”
“It’s sweet that she has the naughty thoughts for you, it’s really what friends are for.”
“Not my friends.”
I worry that it’s about to turn towards shouting, and then she just starts laughing. Almost rolling around the floor with the laughing.
“Your face is so funny B! Man, you and Red? That’d be a big old non shock.”
“You’re not amusing me.”
“Well you’re not amusing me either… I’m the one all crazy jealous.”
And is it wrong to think that she’s an idiot?
Is it wrong that she’s touched a nerve?
Crazy jealous. Cautious.
“Are we gonna head out, straight after the pizza?”
“Whoa, there’s a rapid change of subject. Maybe I really should be getting jealous?”
She looks at me as if she is totally trying to suss out an answer. Fool.
“You have nothing to worry about. Ever.”
“Aw, ya mean that B?”
“Of course I mean that, I love you.”
It earns me a kiss.
“I don’t mind when we head out, I’m all kinds of sweaty from the exercise, I need a shower…”
“I could wash your back?”
Her instant smile gives me my instant yes. “Sure thing girlfriend, got an itch that could use a scratch.”
Her wink confirming it.
I sit myself down next to her and set about warming down my muscles, just getting back the soft feel of loose. Letting my body know that the exertions are over. For now.
“You think that Andy Pandy really knows where to find her?”
“I think he’s telling the truth, he’d have to have a crazy old death wish to be messing around with us again. It feels like the truth.”
“You’re feeling it too then?”
“What?”
She offers me a little frown. “The expectation thing, the buzz. It’s like when I knew I was coming to meet you, something in me was just all fucking fizzed up full of the juice, now tonight… it feels the same. Like I know we’re gonna find her. You getting that?”
The only thing that I’m getting is acid in my tummy.
“That’s some pretty big feeling you have there.”
“It’s a pretty big event, it’s not everyday you get a new member for the most exclusive club in the world.”
“Club?”
“‘Hot chicks with super powers!’. Xander’s the club captain, he’ll tell you all about it.”
There’s a club? My head hurts. And…
“Maybe she’s not hot.”
“No way! It’s like a pay off from the PTB. Look around at any super hero chick ever and they’ve all got the hots working for them. Take away the costumes and it’s all curves galore.”
I get the feeling that she’s researched her subject.
“She might be an exception.”
“Nah, Andrew said she’s beautiful, remember?”
“Yeah, and he also said that he was going to rule the world. Not the most reliable source.”
I try not to notice that she’s frowning at me again, moving until her fingers wrap around my foot, helping me to loosen out my calves.
“Are you alright B? You’re acting a little…”
Do not say jealous.
“…strange.”
Ah. Strange. So much better.
“I’m fine, I just… maybe you’re rushing into this joy at the whole new slayer thing. What if she IS rogue, what if she’s completely round the twist and crazy?”
“Then we’ll deal with it right? She’s one of us now, that has to mean something.”
I try and keep what it means to me, away from my face. My expression remaining blank. “I’m just saying, we should be… cautious.”
“We’re two big bad slayers, I think we can handle a little less with the caution. Not everything has to be about the rough times B. Loosen up a little, find the fun.”
She is twirling my foot the whole time that she is talking. Unbearable jiggling.
“Quit with the foot already!”
“Huh?”
“My foot. Attached to my ankle. Attached to my body!”
She looks down at what she is doing, offers me a sheepish gaze. “Sorry. I guess I’m a bit hyped…”
“No way?”
“I get what you’re saying, we should be cautious, but I get the excitement too… three slayers B, that’s fucking crazy.”
“Yeah, crazy.” I should probably stop talking, but then I’ve disengaged the wise part. “Aren’t you even just a little bit… bothered?”
“Bothered? About what?”
“This… us…” I motion to the empty space between us, the unseen connection. “…aren’t you bothered about sharing this?”
“You wanna… share this?”
Now I get the frown times ten.
“That’s just it Faith, I don’t want to share this. I like this, I like us, I don’t ever want to share it.”
Again with the selfish.
“You’re confusing me here.”
“I am?”
“Hell yeah. I was talking about getting a new slayer, and you’re talking about all sorts of sharing shit… what you got planned for this girl?”
My mind travels slowly. Her face never changing the whole time. And then I get it…
“No Faith! Not share ‘this’, not this ‘this’, the other ‘this’.”
“Oh right. The other ‘this’.”
I’m glad we cleared that one up.
“What the fuck are you talking about B?”
And do I have to explain everything twice?
“The bond Faith! The fizz, the buzz… all of those warm and fuzzy feelings in the somewhere down below region. I don’t want to share that with another girl, I don’t want you to share that with another girl…”
“Why the fuck would I wanna share that with another girl? Jesus, what do you think I am?”
“You’re the one full of the, ‘Yay, another slayer to add to the club’, I’d say you can’t wait to share it!”
She pulls herself up from the mats now and starts to stalk about. Her words falling fast as she paces back and forth. “I can’t wait to share the calling, share the slaying, I damn well never thought about sharing anything else… you really think that I’d wanna do that?”
This is going wrong.
“No, of course I don’t!”
“Then what the hell are you shouting about?”
And I don’t mean to be shouting. Don’t mean to be pushing us into arguing. I take the time to do a quick count to ten, a few breaths to calm the tumultuous feelings that are not at all her fault.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be shouting, I didn’t mean… I meant the slayer bond Faith. I don’t want to share that, I don’t want to share any of you.”
“Well why didn’t you just say that? Fuck, I thought you were getting all three’s up in the bedroom kinda thoughts…”
“No! Definitely not.”
She shakes her head, gives a bemused little laugh, and comes to sit back down again.
“I hadn’t really thought about sharing the bond B, the way I see it, what we have is special… throw in a thousand fucking slayers and you ain’t gonna change that. You should just relax some, quit worrying so much.”
Another Sensei candidate, all about the wisdom.
“I know, it’s crazy, I’m being silly and selfish…”
“A little jealous…”
“Am not!”
“Uh-huh.”
“Maybe a little bit…”
She hooks her finger into the neck of my training top, pulls me forward to her lips. “Haven’t you figured it out yet B? I’m crazy about you, I could never feel this for anyone else, could never look at anyone else and buzz like you make me buzz… you don’t need to be jealous, you’ve got all the bases covered.”
“I do?”
“You do.”
I smile when her lips touch mine. Kiss her back with just as much feeling.
“Pizza’s here!” We break apart to see Wills at the top of the stairs again, hand hovering somewhere over her eyes. “And don’t you guys EVER quit with that?”
Not if I can help it.
I flip myself up, offer her a hand up to standing. “Pizza, shower and then the slayer round up?”
“That’s it B, no more worrying. And definitely no sharing.”
She waggles her eyebrows at Willow with the last comment, putting me at total ease for the silly outburst of irrational jealousy. I know. Totally unfounded. Yet still, there’s that feeling. She’s calling it a buzz, I’m calling it unease.
Marching along with Andrew held between us had been no fun. His mouth not seeming to know how to keep quiet for more than a few seconds at a time, either pleading his case for forgiveness, or launching into full on lengthy explanations all about the space, time continuum, and whether Michael J Fox had lost any validity as an actor by starring in Teen Wolf. It was riveting stuff, doing nothing to distract my thoughts from slipping back towards the ‘cautious’. Yet doing everything to make my patience feel strained, and my ear drums feel fit to burst.
“Could you please just shut up! We don’t care about Michael J Fox, or the geeky thing about space, and your forgiveness is definitely looking more shaky by the second…”
“What did I do?”
“I think she wants you to just shut up Andrew, I’m backing her call.”
I had thanked her for the intervention, the saving of my sanity. Winced just a little as she had turned back to the boy and ordered that he point us in the right direction again. Still so eager to find her.
“Are you feeling anything now Buffy?”
“No.”
The same question, every damn minute. Or every five minutes. Why couldn’t everyone just shut up?
We had walked in circles for what seemed like hours, covering the same ground that we had covered the last three nights, Andrew offering nothing except the places where we already knew to look ourselves. It was feeling pointless, the idea of just turning around and heading home definitely ranking up there as one of my better ideas, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It seemed so important to Faith to find this girl, and even in my continual cautious state, I could still appreciate that there was maybe some small importance in finding her. Even if it was only to find out if she really was rogue, heading somewhere towards crazed and dangerous.
“This is some sort of joke right? This is the fourth fucking time that we’ve covered this ground!”
“It’s not a joke, she comes here a lot…”
I had looked around at the familiar surroundings, one of the bigger cemeteries, lots of crypts, lots of places to hide. Lots of places to see and not be seen. And I don’t know what it was, whether it was the caution reaching up to prod at my senses, if it was just my ears finally crumbling to all of Faith’s arguments, but something felt right. I felt something. Turning my attention away from the other two, to concentrate on everything else. The rustle of the breeze as it snuck through the treetops, the intricate way that the shadows found to change their shapes as the clouds rolled out across the sky. It felt like a storm coming.
Closing my eyes and feeling my heartbeat. Solid. Steady. Sure.
“B..?”
“Shhh, quiet Faith.”
Not bringing my head up to look at her, just focusing on the thump, thump, thump inside of my chest. Easy to picks up hers, almost the same rhythm, and Andrew’s… lightening fast, showing fear. I let them flood my senses like an orchestra, isolating each beat, familiarising each tone… until something, a prickling… my hairs raised upon my arms, across my neck…
“She’s here.”
I was sure of it.
“You what?”
“She’s here Faith, I can… feel her.”
I almost didn’t want to make the admission, wanted to run screaming from this moment, the absolute proof that my cosy twosome days were over.
“You’re shitting me B, you can feel her? For real?”
I had shushed her again, flicked my eyes to Andrew, the hurried way he was making glances in all of the bushes, searching out my prey. It had made me think ambush, had made me want to gain the control. Announce our arrival.
“Kennedy..? Are you there?”
Raising my voice just a little in the hush of the graveyard.
“You think she’s gonna come out, just because you called her?”
“If she hasn’t got a reason for hiding, then sure, why not?”
My logic had made perfect sense to me, my hands going around my mouth as I called her name a little louder. My eyes not stopping their vigorous scan of the many places that she could be hiding. Watching.
“It’s a no go B, maybe you were wrong, maybe you didn’t feel anything…”
“No Faith, I’m right. She’s here.”
And I did know it. It was like I had tuned myself into her, my pulse erratic, as if it didn’t know which rhythm it was meant to be following. Who’s beat it was marching to. It was disturbing, intrusive. I wanted to lay my eyes upon her, and fast, just so that I could stop with the trying to feel her.
I turned to Andrew, suggested that maybe he should give the girl a shout, after all, if she had hit him before, maybe she could be tempted to come out and hit him again.
“Uh… Kennedy? It’s me, erm Andrew. Not that you know my name, but it is Andrew…”
“Get on with it!”
“Right… so, we’re not here to hurt you…”
Hmmmm.
“…we just want to speak to you. These are the two other warriors that you asked about. This dark mysterious one is Faith, the tempestuous rebel…”
He had cast his arm out to encompass Faith, his voice dropping an octave or ten on his speech, booming it out as if he had to impress the audience.
“…and the short one, that’s Buffy.”
That was it?
“Just, ‘that’s Buffy?’, that’s all I’m getting?”
For a moment I had wondered if I had finally rendered him speechless, crossed my fingers and wished really hard for it.
“Uh… Buffy… she flips burgers.”
My instant rage had been muted by Faith’s instant laughter. Muted but not killed.
“This is ridiculous, she’s not coming out, she doesn’t want to show herself, I’m going home!”
“But B…”
“No, you can stand around and play ‘hunt the psychopath’, all night long if you want to, I just want to go home and then to bed. The council will be here in a few days, let them deal with her!”
I witnessed as the steel had slammed down. Her eyes retreating, her voice hardening.
“You always been this caring B?”
“I’m just saying…”
“I heard what you said. Loud and clear. And if you really think that I could leave her out here for the council to round up, then I guess you really don’t know me at all.”
“Faith…”
“No B, you go on home, me and Andrew have got this.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Ain’t it just.”
She had turned her back to me and begun searching out the shadows for the girl. My words bonding them together already, facing a common enemy. And I didn’t want to be the enemy, I wanted to fight on her side.
“Can we please rewind for a moment here? I didn’t mean it Faith, I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Sounded to me like you wanted to leave her out here as council fodder, maybe they’ll send the same ones they sent after me, would that do ya?”
“No. I don’t want that.”
That made her turn right back to face me, eyes accusing me.
“Well what do you want?! You told me you don’t want another slayer, you don’t want to share ‘this’, maybe the council coming is exactly what you’re wanting!”
“And if that’s what you think, then apparently you don’t know me so well either.”
“‘Apparently’ not.”
It was like one of those Mexican standoffs I had heard about. I don’t think you have to be Mexican to have one, you just have to stand. And glare. Possibly snarl. We had all of that covered. The air crackling with the intensity of our stare. So much unsaid, so much screaming out in the silence.
I felt sick. I knew that I had caused this, but I just didn’t know how to make it better, how to retract my words, what I could say to possibly make her anger any less. I opted for taking a step forwards and softening my voice, apologising.
“I’m sorry Faith, I didn’t mean any of that how it came out. I’m just… tired. Of course I’m not keen to have the council involved…”
“Erm, guys?”
“Not now Andrew!”
I put enough force into my tone so that I didn’t have to turn and give him the big mean glare. My eyes I kept focused on her.
“…let me stay here and look with you, we’ll find her together.”
“Just go home B.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I said so.”
I didn’t understand. Sure it was stupid of me to say what I said, but I didn’t mean it. I had apologised.
“Guys…”
His whine was all that broke the silence, my eyes finally breaking to him, my mouth gasping it’s shock as I saw him held in a tight embrace. Tight around his neck, a cross bow held just off from his ear.
A small part of me wanted to turn to Faith and crow the words, ‘I told you so’. Here was our rogue slayer, and she was so obviously psycho. Superb.
As it was I held it back, knew that it wasn’t the right thing to say, offered something safer.
“You take her left, I’ll take her right.”
I had thought that it was safer.
“Jeez B, how about we try and talk to her first? Wacky plan, could work.”
“Right. Talk.”
I held my breath as she turned again, took a step forwards. A step towards them.
“Hey… Ken? Name’s Faith, now how about you let the boy go?”
“He’s not a boy, he’s a weasel.”
“Yeah, but he’s our weasel, I won’t let you hurt him.”
He whined again as the grasp was tightened around his neck, the cross bow moving in closer. “You’re not really in a good position to stop me.”
I had heard her rasped out words and stepped up beside Faith. The talking didn’t seem to be going so good, and I wanted to be prepared. My eyes training on her trigger finger, wondering at her aim.
“Look girl, I’m all for doing this the easy way, but if you wanna rumble, then I’m ready to cause you some hurt. It’s your call.”
“You think you can get near me before I fire?”
“Do you?”
“Doubtful.”
Faith loves a challenge.
It was the first thing I had thought, how Kennedy’s words sounded like the issuing of a challenge. I had soon snapped out of it though, my attention grabbed back by Faith’s words, her orders.
“B, you take it left, I’ll take it right. I guess we are gonna have to give the girl a little work out…”
My eyes drawing away from the trigger, just offering a smile to Faith. “Go on three?”
“Three.”
We had started our advancement together, just a short space to travel, a gamble that she wouldn’t fire. Everything happening so fast. For the first second she had looked scared, then she had looked resolute, and then she had thrust Andrew directly into my path, my vision scrambled, just hearing the thwack as the arrow had left the bow. And then the scream. I definitely heard the scream.
“Jesus fuck! That hurts!”
I threw Andrew from me, tore my eyes to Faith, her face like thunder, her right hand wrapped around the end of an arrow protruding from her left arm.
“Faith… are you okay?”
“Five by five B, I’ve got a god damn piece of wood sticking out of my arm, but other than that, I’m fucking perfect, you?”
Okay. Don’t ask after a pissed girlfriend’s health.
“All of you shut up or I’ll fire again!”
“I’m closer now, I’d kick your ass this time.”
“Faith…” I just wanted her to stop taunting, enraging the girl with the weapon.
“I warned you.”
I saw the crossbow coming up again, taking aim again. Saw it fire into empty space. Faith had already dropped and rolled, her true speed making an appearance at that moment, catching Kennedy completely off guard. Sending her tumbling to the floor.
“And I warned you.”
I didn’t know whether I should dive in and help, at least for just long enough to give Faith the time to pull the wood from her arm. I didn’t dive in though, I somehow knew that it was the wrong thing to do. That I wouldn’t be thanked. Stood to the side with Andrew instead, watching my girlfriend put the new girl through all of her paces. Playing with her. Toying with her.
“Wow… they look… wow…”
Kennedy just as beautiful as Andrew had said she was. Faith as beautiful as anything I had ever seen. Both of them fighting and grunting, screaming out their aggression. I hated to admit it, to agree with the boy, but wow.
I watched as long as I could stand it. Waited until Kennedy was on her ass for the tenth time, Faith looming over her, imploring her to stay down.
“I think you kicked her ass already, you could probably stop now.”
“Depends if she’s gonna stay down?”
I had moved in close again, looked to see the girls answer, almost stepping back when I saw her tears.
“I won’t let you give me to the council! I don’t care what you do, but I won’t go back to the council!”
“Who the fuck said we were gonna give you to the council?”
“I won’t go with them!”
She was struggling underneath Faith’s foot, trying to work the leverage to throw her aside. To break free.
“Calm down!” And she removed her foot. Instead bending down with a hand, offering an up to the girl who just a moment ago had shot her. So sensible.
“We’re not gonna give you to the council, we’re not gonna ‘give’ you to anyone… you’re one of us now sister, you’re a slayer.”
I held my breath as we waited on her reply. Noticing the slump of defeat reaching across her shoulders, her hand eventually sliding up to find a place in Faith’s.
“Okay, but if this is a trick, if you even try and turn me over, I’ll kill you all.”
“Uh-huh. Sure ya will.”
“I’m not messing, I’ll take you all on.”
“With your aim, and that girly punch, I’d keep it quiet for a few. We’ll talk when we get back to the house. Andrew, B? We ready to motor?”
Just like that.
Just like this.
Me walking with Andrew. Faith just ahead, walking with Kennedy.
And me still feeling cautious.
Chapter 37
POV Buffy.
The night hadn’t gotten any better, in fact, in all honesty, the night had only gotten worse. It wasn’t that Faith was being particularly hostile towards me, we hadn’t shouted anymore, but there was a definite lacking of warmth. Of tingles. Just walking home behind her, and observing the rigid set of her shoulders, feeling the absence of smiles when we had arrived at the door. And the worst of it was knowing that it was all my own fault.
Stupid words brought about by stupid paranoia.
Full marks for my astounding intellect. Really. What better thing to suggest, than leaving Kennedy out there and alone, and at the mercy of the council? I didn’t mean it though, I remember what they are capable of, how much respect they have for a slayer. They spit in the faces of slayers. But once the words were out there, it was too late to retract them, to wrap them up and away in the recesses of the unwise brain. No. I spoke the words and now I am paying the consequences.
When we had first walked through the door, everyone had been caught between the caution and the excitement at the prospect of what we had returned with. A brand new hot chick with superpowers. Possibly rogue.
“Ah, I see you managed to find her.” Giles stepped up first, taking the lead, extending his hand out to her. “I’m Giles, Buffy’s watcher, and you must be Kennedy?”
“A watcher? You’re council?”
Not offering her hand back, just edging away from him, in towards Faith.
“Easy Ken, Giles is cool. I told you, we’re not gonna give you to the council, you need to relax, loosen up a little.”
She didn’t look as if she knew what loose was. Eyes darting around all of the new faces, feet creeping closer and closer to the door again. I couldn’t stop watching her, not speaking, just observing. Almost jumping when I had heard Willow’s whisper in my ear.
“She’s a bit of a hottie isn’t she?”
Not answering, still watching.
“So, is she roguish? Should I get the ropes ready for the bondage?”
I wasn’t sure. Not smiling at the bondage comment, just narrowing my eyes.
“She shot Faith.”
“What!” And she forgot whispering then. “She shot Faith? And she’s not already tied up why?”
It had broken up the little pow wow that was just starting to get going in the middle of the room, Faith’s hand sliding to her injured arm, her body moving one step closer to Kennedy.
“It was nothing Red, she was nervous, it doesn’t even hurt.”
It was nothing. Right. Forget the fact that she could’ve killed her, that she was trying to kill her, just put it down to nervousness. I had moved forwards to go with Faith when the witches led her from the room, insisting that they add some balm and bandages to the still open wound, but she had said no. Instructing me to stay with Kennedy instead, to make sure that she was okay.
She had looked okay. Still skittish, offering only one word answers to Giles’ rapid fire questions. But physically she looked fine. Beautiful. Whatever. I knew that I should say something myself, even if I only offered her a few words to beat back the hostility that had already seemed to be growing between us. But what words were there?
‘Hey bitch, you shot my girlfriend, and now I’m gonna kick your ass?’
It seemed a little too confrontational. But I didn’t have anything else. I wanted to know why she was here, I wanted to know why she had been following us, and I really wanted to know what her aversion to the council was, yet I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I just felt so cold, so rigid. Lacking every piece of warmth that I was missing from Faith, and still so cautious about what Kennedy coming here would mean to us.
When Faith had returned to the room she had dipped her eyebrows at me and offered a sad shake of the head. Perhaps sensing my lack of friendship whilst she had been gone, letting me know with one look just how disappointed she was.
“Hey Giles, I know you have a shit load of questions for the girl, we all do, but I think for tonight it’ll just be best if we all get some rest. We can do this in the morning right?”
I had been stupid enough to smile at her suggestion, not realising what it entailed, what it meant. To me it had meant bedtime. It had meant sanctuary in our room away from the bad times. It meant time to talk to her, to apologise again, to do whatever it took to repair the damage that my outburst of earlier had caused. It really didn’t mean that though. The smile quickly wiped from my lips as she carried on with her bright idea.
“I’m gonna take Ken back to mine, there’s not enough room for her here…”
“What?” I had found my words then. “You’re taking her back to yours? You’re not staying here?”
“Easy B, it makes the most sense. This place is full to the brim with bursting, where would you put her?”
“She could share the basement with Andrew.”
“I don’t think so, do you?”
It was a surreal moment. All that I wanted to do was to shout and scream and holler at the turn of events that I wasn’t at all enjoying. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too weighted down with the knowledge that I wouldn’t be finding my sanctuary tonight. No whispered words of sorry, no touches better, no kisses to stave off the bad. My voice was lost in the same desolation as my thoughts, sounding empty.
“Where will she stay at yours?”
“She can take the bed, I’ll grab the sofa. It’ll be fine.”
Fine.
I tuned out on the rest of the words. Stuff about Angel, letting him watch over her. I didn’t care. I don’t care. All that I cared about was her walking from the door, tossing me an empty glance as she left, so unreadable. And now. This. Lying here in the bed, just wrapped up in my Boston checked duvet and sheets, and not wrapped up in Faith. I had wanted to call her back, wanted to go with her. Not about caution anymore, or petty jealousies, just about us.
I keep thinking back on the words, the thousand million things that I could’ve said better than the comment on the council. Anything would have been better. But no. I said it. So fucking stupid. So damn insensitive. It’s like trying to negotiate a mine field sometimes, remembering what can and can’t be said, without tripping over all of our locked up skeletons from the past. I never should have said it, but then she should have known that I never would have meant it.
Somehow I guess that it wouldn’t be me though, if it was anything like easy. It wouldn’t be me and Faith, if it was anything other than fiery.
I slip my gaze to the clock, the ticking hands that set the time at three am. How many hours, how many minutes till I can burst through her door and set things straight between us?
Too many.
I had explained my little outburst to Tara, I’d had to, she’s way too perceptive and she could feel the tension in the room just as easily as I could. Her head doing the same sad shake as I admitted that it was a lot more jealousy than caution I was feeling, that I just couldn’t help the sensation of displacement that the new girl had brought to me.
“But we talked about this Buffy, no one could ever displace you and Faith, you know that.”
And I did. But it didn’t stop the fear. The worry at her excited buzz.
I roll over now and wrap my arms tight around her pillow, trying to feel just one iota of warmth that she may have left behind. It’s all cold though, nothing more than the faint swirl of her scent rising up to tickle my senses.
I think I might scream.
My eyes are drawn to the telephone. Because I think could call her. Wake her up and explain again how I hadn’t meant anything by it, that it was a moment of madness. Nothing more. It seems like a sensible plan. My hand reaching out and grasping the receiver, my fingers shaking as I recall her number from memory. Slow presses. One digit at a time.
And dropping the receiver again.
I can’t just call her. It’s three o clock in the morning for a start, and on top of that, I want to speak to her face to face. I want to look in her eyes when the damage is repaired, want her to get just how far away I am from meaning what I had said earlier.
It’s tempting to get up and get dressed and just march over there. Plead my case through a locked door, hoping that she rises from the sofa before the neighbours call the cops. Or I could knock before I plead. She would know of course that it was me, and I can’t bear the thought of the rejection if she refuses me entry.
Damn it.
I hate being here and so unable to do anything to make the situation better, just laying here trapped in the misery that’s all of my own making. And so it becomes an easy decision to get up and to work out, to take out my frustrations all on my own body. That, at least, is something that I can do.
I pull myself from the bed with every intention of doing as many push ups as it takes to wear my body out to the point of sheer exhaustion, numbing everything until I can’t think anymore. Can’t feel anymore. I just want to sleep.
Starting vigorously, up and down. Arms flexing, shoulders burning. But still feeling, still hurting. Angry at myself for the unwise words, but a little bit angry at her too. She has to know that I didn’t mean it.
POV Faith.
“So what do you think big guy?”
“I don’t know Faith, she’s obviously scared, obviously exhausted. Did you manage to speak to her at all?”
“No more than you did. I don’t think she trusts us, and you’re right, I’m definitely getting that scared vibe.”
A whole lot of scared. Since the take down in the cemetery I’ve been sniffing her fear, catching the darty looks from the frantic eyes, seeing the tenseness with which she holds her shoulders so rigid and tight. I don’t know what the deal is, what the hell she’s so afraid of, but it’s obviously something to do with those good old English assholes. The high and mighty council.
“Did Giles manage to gain any more information from the council? Surely if they have her classified as rogue, she must have done something to warrant it.”
“Not a clue, I didn’t really hang out there when we got back, got my arm seen to, and split.”
“How is the arm?”
I give it a little flex, stretch it out and around. “All in working order, nothing more serious than a splinter.”
He accepts it as the truth, takes a moment to ponder on his thoughts.
“Do you think that she was really trying to hurt you?”
And now I ponder too.
The girls a fucking slayer, and to my mind, if she wanted to hurt me, then I would be hurt. There’s plenty more dangerous places to shoot someone other than the arm.
“I dunno, I don’t think so. She was scared, me and B were rushing her, I reckon she just acted on instinct.”
“It is a possibility. We do have to remain cautious though, you know yourself how dangerous a rogue slayer can be.”
Don’t I just.
“You’re preaching to the converted Angel, I do know how dangerous, rogue can be, but I’m just not getting that vibe from her.”
Really I’m not. There’s no craziness lurking in the depths of her eyes, just fear. A whole lot of fucked up fear.
“What does Buffy say?”
“You what?”
“Buffy, what does she think?”
Oh. Now here’s a subject that I don’t wanna go delving into.
“I guess you’d have to ask Buffy about that, wouldn’t you?”
I catch the look, the little pause where his confusion sits. “Am I missing something?”
“Not really. We had a disagreement. No big.”
“You had a disagreement… can I ask what about?”
“You can ask whatever you want, doesn’t mean that you’ll get an answer. Fuck it, I don’t even know if I have the answers.”
What she had said to me earlier, it’s got me so damn pissed. That she could say that, that she could even think that… it’s too fucked up. She knows my history with the council, she’s got her own damn history with the council, and suggesting that we leave Kennedy to them, it’s just about as bad as suggesting that we throw her to a rabid pack of baying wolves.
“I take it that it has something to do with Kennedy?”
“And ain’t you just the perceptive one.”
“Faith?” He leans forwards in his chair, fixes me with that deeply intense look, the one that says no bullshit.
“Okay, okay… she said some stuff. Really fucking stupid stuff, it hurt.”
“What kinds of stuff?”
“All about leaving Kennedy to the council, letting them deal with her.”
He sits himself back again as I speak the words, a little surprise showing on his face. “She said that?”
“Damn right she said that! I couldn’t fucking believe it man, all the shit we’ve been through and she wants to cast off a slayer for the council to round up. It’s messed up, totally fucking messed up.”
I take it that his nod is agreeing with me. Setting me off on a roll, giving vent to lots of pissed off feelings.
“The whole way she’s been acting is messed up, all about not wanting to share the slayer bond. It’s like when I got here, the first time, all that… ‘this is my life, my calling, mine, mine, mine’… well it’s the same now Angel. I don’t know what the fuck her problem is, but that girl needs to learn how to share!”
“You stole her fries.”
You what?
I look up from the spot on the table that I had vented to, see the smile in his eyes, the way that it’s gracing his lips.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Buffy. When you first came, she told me. You pinched the food from her plate. There was me, barely back from hell, and all that she could worry about was the fact that this new slayer had stolen her fries.”
I can just about imagine it. Him laying there in agony and her whinging and whining about my forays onto her plate. The only thing that makes the image seem unreal is the memory of how well she had taken care of me when I had returned from hell. Nothing in her mind except making me better. Making me strong again.
“She’s a strange one B, I just don’t get what her problem is.”
“Did you ask her?”
Did I?
I think back over the training session, my cheeks heating as I get to the fun part, cooling down as I slide on by to the not so fun part. Misunderstandings. Caution. Jealousy.
“We spoke about it. She doesn’t want to share ‘this’.”
“This?”
Exactly!
“That’s what I said. I don’t know… the bond. Me and her?”
He looks about as confused as she had made me feel. “You and her?”
“Not like down and dirty shit, but the connection… you know, the slayer thing, she’s all freaked about sharing the buzz.”
“And you’re not?”
I feel my shoulders shrug without thinking, my brow furrowing as I try to work out exactly how I feel. “It’s not like that. What me and B have, it’s special, it’s more than fucking special. It’s like I said to her; you could create a thousand new slayers, and still we’d be special. We’re the chosen two Angel, always will be.”
I watch as he nods to my words, going into one of his moments of silent contemplation. And I know not to bug him, not to slow his flow, cos when he gets all pensive like this, it usually means that he’s gonna have an answer. Something worth hearing.
I rise from the table and snag myself a beer from the fridge. Angel isn’t too keen on keeping me stocked with the whiskey, but he’s pretty relenting over beer. Beer’s like soda pop to a slayer. It’s all in the constitution. I make my way silently to the back bedroom, sneak a little peek in at Cordy all sound asleep. The clock is flashing 3:20 on her little side table, making me realise just how late it is getting. How exhausted I feel. So weary.
Next I head to my room. To my own bed.
I just love the way that the moon slips through the window in here, keeping me company when the nights used to be long, charting the hours until the morning, till I was off duty again. Now it just lays pretty across her face, picking out her features, making her seem almost fragile in the half light. And I really want to know what her story is, what has been done to her that is so damn bad, that it has her running from god knows where, just to get to the here.
For me it had been something about sanctuary. For all my cocky phrases and bullshit stories, it had always been about finding refuge. Finding Buffy. I wonder if it is the same for her, whether she has heard the tales of the best slayer ever, and thought that she would be afforded some kind of safety here. Protection from the big bad world.
“Faith..?”
His voice is so soft, barely there. Calling me back towards the door, away from the position I had taken next to the bed. My hand so gentle in it’s movement, just brushing a flow of black hair away from her head. Trying to soothe her brow. I don‘t know if it‘s the slayer connection, if it’s just seeing someone so in need of help… but I do feel for her. Feel something for her.
It’s like with Dawn. All those months ago now, when she was broken, when she was needing. Helping the helpless. Angel has taught me well.
“I’m coming, I was just checking on her, making sure that she’s okay.”
“She’ll be fine, she’s here now, and whatever it is, whatever has her so scared, we’ll find a way to protect her. To look after her”
“I wish B felt like that.”
“Maybe she does.”
“I told you what she said Angel, looking after the girl is not top of her agenda. Jeez, she wanted to put her in the basement with Andrew! How fucked up is that?”
I down the rest of my bottle as we make our way back to the table, grabbing another before I sit myself down.
“Buffy’s different to you Faith, you can’t always judge people by who you are, what you do. You have to accept the differences.”
Right. Here we go then. The outcome of the pensive five minutes. Prepare for incoming wisdom.
“You wanna break that down for me big guy?”
“You’ve always been more self assured then her, even with your defences and your impenetrable walls, you’ve still always had the ability to roll with the punches. To pick yourself up and keep on smiling.”
I think back to my night of falling to pieces. My tears in the rain.
“Yeah, sure thing. Begging for death was all about the fun times Angel.”
There’s no shame in admitting that he’s lost me. He does it a lot, but he always takes the time to go back, to make it clearer for me.
“You bounced right back though Faith. You were trapped, you had no out, you believed that death WAS the only out. It took me barely a few minutes to sway your options though. You rolled with them. Took the punches and dusted yourself off again.”
I guess. Maybe. Not sure what the fuck that has to do with anything.
“Is there a point to that?”
He smiles and shakes his head. Pretends at sighing out some of the air that his lungs just don’t need. “You know the deal Faith, there’s always a point.”
Words I’ve heard a thousand times before from him, words that I have come to accept.
“You gonna elaborate, or do I have to play connect the dots?”
“Which would you prefer?”
I ponder over the last few minutes. Not a step clearer on what the underlying meaning is going to be.
“Nope, you’ve lost me, gonna have to lay it all out.”
“Buffy has never been so self assured, she’s worked the power because it was given to her, she’s been the slayer because it was demanded of her, she never would have wanted it otherwise Faith, she wouldn’t have wanted this life.”
“Who would’ve?”
But I know I would’ve. For all the moans about the calling, the shit situations that I’ve found myself in, I fucking love this job. I love the power. I kinda love saving the world.
“You would’ve. Maybe that’s where your security in the bond comes from. You can separate yourself from the slayer, because you appreciate that the slayer side is separate. It’s like a job, it’s what you do, not who you are…”
Obviously.
“…for Buffy it has always been her burden, her entrapment. Something that she is forced to endure.”
I know that he is right, but it still doesn’t make the sense.
“You’re right, but so what? B always had the hard done by thing working for her, a nice slice of piety to make herself a martyr. I don’t see what the fuck that has got to do with this though?”
“You changed her. You’ve made it different. Think about it Faith, since you and her have been together… is there so much sadness in her eyes? Is the burden still breaking her back?”
Think about it.
No.
Her eyes smile for me. Her back doesn’t break. We share the burden, it isn’t a burden. It’s ours.
Oh.
He must see something in my eyes now, because when I fly my glance back to him, he breaks out a smile. A lop sided grin. A knowing nod.
“This is nothing to do with Kennedy, Faith. This is about you and her. This is about her security, her own doubts, it’s about fearing that everything she has found in you, will be lost again, just like that.”
“But I love her. She knows that I love her.”
“I don’t doubt that she does, the same as I don’t doubt her love for you… but love doesn’t stop people leaving, love doesn’t stop hearts from breaking.”
I hear the experience in his tone, the sound of his own heart breaking.
“I would die before I left her. She’s everything to me.”
Making his head move slowly up and down, another wasted sigh blown out into the night. And I don’t mean to make him feel bad, but I could never just leave her like he had done. Maybe he is a better ‘man’ than me, because even if it was for the best, I could never drag myself away from her side.
“The chosen two, right?”
“No, more than that. Strip away the slayer and I wouldn’t leave her side, strip away anything and I wouldn’t leave her side. I ain’t never had anything as special as her Angel. Fuck the calling, she IS my calling.”
Jesus. I’m like Shakespeare on crack. All about the dramatic romantic expressions.
“Nicely put.”
“Thanks, I’m working on a screen play.”
I swig long and hard at my beer, cover the shades of embarrassment from my tiny little outburst.
“Maybe you should be working on Buffy?”
Sounds exciting.
“You making suggestions big guy? A bit of vicarious loving?”
“You know exactly what I mean, imagine what it is that she is feeling right now, imagine her doubts, her fears… take all of it and pretend at being her. Just for a moment, just for a minute.”
Pretend at being her?
Where the hell do I start?
“Start with the feeling Faith, with the slayer.”
Did I even speak out loud?
He is just staring intently at me again. So I begin.
The feeling. The slayer. I can’t imagine not loving it, not embracing the power and hollering it out from every roof top. I can’t imagine being shackled by it, kept as it’s prisoner.
“I can’t do it Angel, I can’t imagine it any other way than what I know.”
“Precisely.”
“Precisely? Precisely fucking what?”
“I doubt that she can either.”
It’s like the cryptic part on all those stupid crosswords. Just say what ya mean. So much simpler.
“She can’t either, which means…”
“It means that it doesn’t matter how much you love her, how much you tell her that slaying isn’t the connection that binds you… if that is what she thinks, what she believes, then that is where she is stuck.”
I take a moment to try and digest what he is saying. A moment to look back at the last couple of days. The nights spent hunting the new slayer, my excitement at finding a new slayer, my absolutely buzz at finding a new slayer…
“I guess she’s feeling pretty crappy.”
“And I guess that you’re probably right.”
“She was still stupid to say what she said.”
“I’m not arguing with you, but we all say things in heated moments Faith. It’s better to judge people for the good that they do, rather than the mistakes that they make. Words are just words.”
Right.
“What time is it?”
He turns to look out the window, the changing colours of a fading night sky. The dropping of the moon.
“Coming up to four.”
I gesture back towards the bedrooms. “Will you, if I…”
“Of course I will.”
I don’t finish the bottle of beer. I don’t need it. What I do need to do is see a girl. My girl. It seems she has some fears that I need to put to rest.
I stand outside of her house and wonder about knocking. I don’t need to knock, I have a key… but it just feels like I shouldn’t use it. That I shouldn’t assume that I can enter without an invitation, not after I had left in the way that I did.
It’s a dilemma. I don’t want to knock. Don’t want to call attention from the rest of the house, I just want to see her. I need to see her.
I take a slow walk around the perimeter, pondering more on Angel’s words, wondering at a way that I can make her see that the slayer side of things has got nothing to do with anything that I feel for her. Not really. Not at the base of things. Sure it always gave me a buzz to think of us as the chosen two, the special two, but that was more when things were fucked up, taking my pleasure in knowing that she was bound to me that way, that no matter how much she hated it, she could never be free of me.
Since being here again though, the slayer stuff means shit. As much as I love it, as much as I crave the feeling of the power coursing through my veins, I crave her happiness so much more. I crave us so much more. The chosen two because we have chosen each other, not because the PTB deigned it that way.
I look up at her window and wonder if she is wrapped up in the Boston checks she had squealed so joyously about in the linen shop. If she’s missing me like I miss her. If she feels the emptiness of the argument in the same way that I do. And I make a decision.
The only way is up. Her window is easy to climb to.
My feet hit the same grooves that they have hit a thousand times before, my body remembering the way to go, my hands moving without thinking. It takes seconds, barely seconds, and then I am there. Here. Not sure if I should tap, if I should pound, if I should just throw myself through the glass and pray for a happy landing.
The window lifting kinda saves me from making a choice. Her face appearing as if by magic, her brow all furrowed, her skin all aglow with a thin sheen of sweat.
“Faith?”
“In the flesh girlfriend, you gonna let me in?”
I see the confusion at my words, probably wondering what caused the upbeat tempo, if she’s dreaming. Maybe hallucinating.
“What are you… why are you..?”
And she’s getting philosophical.
“Carbon based life form, as for why am I? You’re guess is as good as mine.”
Her mouth moving into a smile, even if her eyes aren’t following. No. Her eyes are locking tight into mine.
“Funny girl. What are you doing here?”
This would be so much fucking easier if she would let me into the room, rather than making me balance precariously on the discomfort of her window ledge.
“Can I come in first, explanations after?”
She lifts the window higher, takes a step back to let me pass. Not sure what to do when I get to the floor, whether it’s ok to take her in my arms, whether I should speak first and make with the comfort later. I let my eyes slip back to hers, try and put every feeling, every connection, into the strength of my gaze.
“I love you Buffy.”
Still the most important words I have ever spoken.
“That’s why you’re here?”
She looks a little confused, a little misplaced, maybe perhaps still wondering at the hallucination side of things. And I guess that it is a little strange after the way we had left things.
“Is there a better reason?”
“No… but, with the fighting, and the me, and the mouth, and the saying of things that shouldn’t have been said…”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s okay?”
“Sure it is.”
“Sure it is?”
I know that I’m smiling, I know that I’m shaking my head. I also know that I could explain it so much better, but I like this, I like her little confused face. Scratch that. I love her little confused face.
“Are you gonna repeat everything I say B, cos if that’s the plan, I’m gonna be hitting some pretty far out phrases.”
“Am I dreaming? Did I wake up somewhere other than the real world?”
See? I knew she figured on the hallucinating.
“What makes you think that?”
“You. Here. A definite absence of shouting, not a sign of pissed or angry.” She moves just a step closer to me, creeping almost, scared to break the vision. “That’s it isn’t it? I fell asleep whilst doing the push ups, and now I’m living the dream.”
“Push ups? It’s four in the morning, you always do your work outs at four in the morning?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
I hear all of the unspoken words behind her small admission. Know all of the reasons that she couldn’t find rest.
“I’m sorry B.”
“‘You’re’ sorry? Okay, forget the dream, now I know I’m in some parallel universe where it was you who spent the night acting like a class A dope.”
“Nope, we’re right here, right where we’re supposed to be.”
“Then you have no reason to be apologising to me, I know how stupid I was, I know how wrong it was of me to say what I said… but you have to believe me Faith, I never meant it, I didn’t think it. I didn’t think period.”
Now it’s me that’s moving a step closer, my hand raising to tuck a stray hair behind her ear, sliding slowly back down across her jaw. “I believe you.”
“You do?”
“Of course I do, I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you earlier, that I left you…”
“No, you were right, Kennedy needed somewhere to sleep, and down in the basement with Andrew is definitely not the place.” Her hand reaches up and takes mine, brings it down from her jaw to rest softly in hers. “Although, maybe if we were lucky she might have finished him off. It’d certainly save the worry about what we’re going to do with him.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you worry too much?”
She laughs a little at that, nods her head in agreement. “A few people, maybe, but it’s kind of what I do. It comes with the job I guess.”
Ah. The job.
“Can we sit down?”
I motion towards the bed, can’t help but smile as I notice my pillow laying across her space, certain in the knowledge that she had been trying to hold me close.
“We can sit.”
I let her lead the way, her hand still in mine, pulling me over to her side, moving my pillow to make the room to rest. And it feels fucking strange sitting here now, not mattering that I have been here so many nights previous, just mattering that I’m not quite sure of the words to say, not finding any of the surety that Angel had found when he had spoken his wisdom to me.
“Look B… I uh, I wanted to explain something to you.”
“If it’s anything to do with Andrew’s space time thingy, then I really don’t need to know.”
“Now who’s being funny?”
“You thought that was funny? I was being dead serious.”
I shake my head silently, pretend to sigh at one of the things I love the most about her. This ability to always find a funny. “No B, I’m the one being serious, just for a minute, okay?”
She doesn’t answer, she just smiles, lets me continue.
“About all this slayer stuff, this connection stuff… I think that I get where you were coming from now. I get the ‘this’ thing, and I get why you’ve been acting so…”
“Strange?”
“Cautious.”
“Oh, yeah, the caution.”
“I spoke to Angel, and he was saying…” Trying to remember, to make it make sense. “…look, with me right, the slaying thing, I love it… I mean I fucking love it, it’s awesome B, so fucking cool. When it’s me out there, and I’m facing down some scum of the earth demon, it’s the biggest rush ever…”
“Okay, I’m getting you love the slaying.” She rolls her eyes at me. “But then I kinda already knew that, you’ve always loved the calling.”
“Exactly!”
“And ‘okay’ again.”
“No, that’s not the point, the point is you don’t like the slaying so much, you’re all burdened down by it, seeing the negatives…”
“There are lots of negatives.”
“And then I come along with this whole burden sharing connection, and you end up thinking that the shared slaying is what the connection is all about.”
I can see her trying to understand my words, to work out what it is that they are supposed to be explaining.
“The slayer connection is what brought us together Faith, not just sharing a burden, but understanding the isolation… understanding how it feels to be different, to be alone.”
“But you’re wrong.”
“I am?”
“Yeah, you really are. I didn’t get it till Angel explained it to me, but you’re looking at it all wrong. How you see slaying isn’t how I see slaying, to me, this whole thing that we have, the ‘this’ that we have… it’s fuck all to do with the PTB and their rules of destiny.”
“But it began with the slayer bond…”
“No it didn’t, not really, it began the moment I laid eyes on you, the first time I saw your smile, the first time I heard you laugh. I’m not gonna lie to ya B, I’m not gonna say that watching you fight didn’t used to get me all sorts of worked up and horny… but it’s not the reason I fell in love with you, and it’s not the reason that you fell in love with me.”
She’s smiling again now. Making me fall in love again.
“I understand why you felt threatened by Kennedy, that you thought she could replace you, that I would feel for her what I feel for you, but I could never do that, not even close.”
“But the buzz…”
“Yeah I know, I was buzzing, I was so damn excited to meet another slayer, but not for the same reasons that you were scared of meeting her. It’s different B, we’re different. Slaying’s a job to me and meeting Ken, well it’s like meeting a new work mate, I might fucking love it, but it’s still just a job.”
Her sigh lifts up between her lips, breaking the smile. “I wish that I could feel that way, that slaying was something other than who I am…”
“You can feel like that, I’ll teach you, we’ll do it together. It’s like I always said, you gotta find the fun.”
“Right. Fun times.”
“Damn right fun times!” I knock her with my shoulder, urge her to curve her lips up again. “And don’t ever forget girlfriend, there ain’t never gonna be a buzz for me like the Buffy buzz. It’s nothing to do with slaying, it’s everything to do with you.”
She nods her head slowly, accepting my words. “And there’s no buzz for me like the Faith buzz.”
“We can buzz together.”
I give her the eyebrows, give her the grin, prepared to give her anything at all that she ever needs.
“I am sorry I was an idiot Faith, my mouth just disengages sometimes, you do know I never meant it, right?”
And she just needs my comfort.
I slide my arm around her and bring her close into me, kiss the top of her head. “Of course I know, I got pissed too quick, that happens sometimes too. Mark it down as one of those bad habits.”
“I like your good habits much better.”
“You do? I have good habits?”
“You have heaps of them, heaps on heaps.”
She turns her face up to me now, making me fall inside of her eyes, her lips hovering so close to mine, so tempting to kiss. “Would kissing you be a good habit?”
“It’d be a damn good start.”
And so I do. Or she does. I don’t know who moves that last breadth of distance to bring our lips close until they’re touching, but I do know that it feels fucking fantastic. Her hands sliding up into my hair, her tongue tasting sweet in my mouth. And it would be so easy to get carried away, to lose sight of everything else. But I can’t, I mustn’t. Not yet.
She sighs as I pull away, leans forward again to place a final kiss against my lips.
“You have to go right?”
“Yeah, I do… I’m sorry, but I have to get back there.”
Her shoulders slump, but she doesn’t not smile at me. “I get that, it kinda sucks, I don’t want you to go, but I get it. You should be there for her. God knows someone should be.”
I want to be here for her. I hate leaving.
“Hey B, why don’t you come with?”
“Me? Now?”
“Yes you, and of course now… why not? Maybe we can get to the bottom of things, slayers to slayer, Angel’s there and Cordy, but the girl might freak if she figures that Angel is all vamped up.”
“But what about the others?”
“Leave them a note, they’ll be fine.”
She looks as if she is considering it, weighing it up in her head. So I go in for the kill, let myself be the one to slide hands into hair, to pull her close to me as I claim her in a kiss, all hot, all tongues, all a promise of what’s to come.
“Please B, for me?”
And I have her.
“Okay, I’ll just throw some clothes on, give me a minute?”
I’d give her my life.
“Sure thing girlfriend, I’ll just watch the show.”
And I do. The hardest thing in the world to restrain myself as she peels off her sleep clothes and replaces them with her day clothes. Just revelling in the buzz that is all about her, and nothing at all to do with anything, or anyone else. My Buffy buzz.
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