POV Buffy
She looks so deeply into my eyes, and I see everything that I need to know there, everything that tells me I can speak anything that I need to, can say anything and she will still be here. That she won’t leave me, no matter what, because she loves me. I can see it, and I can feel it. In the way that she touches me, in the way that her hand is steadying mine to stop the tremors from ripping straight through me. It calms me, it soothes me. It has me catching my still racing breath to turn the crazy stream in my head, into words. Grabbing at all of the thoughts to order them, to try and begin to make sense of them.
“Hey, come on… talk to me B.”
And her smile. Jesus, her smile. Does she know how soft her mouth is, how the tugging corners of her lips, tug straight at the strings to my heart? Making me love her too, wondering how I ever did anything other than love her.
“I don’t know where to start, I don’t know if there is a start… everything just, how did everything go so wrong Faith?”
“You’re asking me?”
“Do you have an answer?”
It makes her smile seem sad, and I know that I mirror it.
“Not a one.” Her sigh brings her chest out to touch mine, a shiver running through me. “If I had the answers B, then none of this shit would be happening.”
“I feel so useless… I feel like everyone is looking to me, everyone depending on me, and it’s too late… what can I do now, when I’ve already let them down?”
“You didn’t let them down.” I go to speak, but she narrows her eyes to stop me. “No way, if anyone let them down then it was both of us. Me AND you girlfriend, there’s no way you can claim this all for yourself…”
“But you weren’t even here when it started, Wills with the magic, and me… if I hadn’t, if I didn’t…”
I can’t get the words out. Can’t bring myself to speak his name, not here. Not in this bed with her. Not when her hand is rubbing so smoothly across my arm to try and give comfort to me. He has no place here, yet I still need to say it. I close my eyes on the words as if I can stop myself from seeing what they bring to her face. Disgust, distaste… pain. “…if I had never gone to Spike, I know Faith, I know this wouldn’t have happened…”
“Stop it.”
Her hand caresses my cheek, runs light across my ear. “Open your eyes Buffy, there’s nothing I don’t want to hear.”
“But…”
“No buts, I don’t like it, fuck knows I don’t like it… but you don’t have to hide from me. I hate it when you hide from me.”
“Maybe I’m hiding from myself.”
And it’s the truth. No one can hate what I did more than I can. No one can feel it inside the way that I do. Burning within me. Cursing me with the memories of every moment that he touched me. That I let him touch me. So wrong, all so god damn wrong.
I bite on my lip to stop a tear. No tears, not yet. Not already. Because I do have to try at strength, even here I have to try, because if I stop trying then I know that I won’t make it. Giving up is so close, so tempting, so I bite to stay strong. Pulling my head back as her lips come in close, as she tries to take it away with kisses that make it feel better.
“No Faith, you can’t kiss away the truth. You can’t take away what I did.”
“I don’t want to take it away, I just want to stop it from hurting.”
Her voice hoarse and heavy. Such honesty she gives me. And I do allow a second of respite, delighting in the way that I feel when she touches me, when her lips press soft against mine. Not believing that I deserve it, but yet still crying out for it.
“You know that Red didn’t mean what she said, right? She’s pissed at herself B, she didn’t mean any of it.”
“Maybe… maybe not. It doesn’t matter, I let her down.”
“WE let her down.”
Bitch. Whore. Liar. Wrong.
“She trusted me, they all trusted me.”
“And they still do.”
Your fault, you did this! Screamed at me, my arms burning with the effort of holding her back, my clothes as sticky with her vomit as they were from the sweat of all of the fighting.
“No Faith. She won’t let me near her… I think, god… I think that I’ve lost her as well, not just…” And it hurts so bad to say her name. “…not just Tara.”
Tears falling now because even I am not that strong. All of it a lie. One girl with the strength? Well where is that girl? I don’t even remember that girl.
She pulls me in close and whispers silent shushes into my hair, her hand tripping lightly across my back as I shake against her. As I feel her own breath coming ragged with the sadness that she shares.
“You know B, I never even thought that she could do that… man, if I had thought it, if I had felt it…I wouldn’t have tried to pull away, I would’ve let him take me… I just didn’t…” Her sigh blows cool air across my neck. Makes me pull back, makes me forget my own pain for a second. “…I didn’t know. How could we have known?”
“We should have known. It’s our job.”
“Our job is shit. All of it is shit.”
She rolls from her side to find her back again. Those eyes which she doesn’t look to wipe streaming tears which run in rivers down her cheeks. No sign of those dimples now, of a soft mouth making smiles.
“I always wondered B, fuck it… since the god damn beginning of this ride, I wondered, from the minute I heard about you… was I good enough? And I tried so fucking hard to prove it, fighting like a bat out of hell to prove it… and look at us now?”
“You were always good enough.”
Her eyes don’t move, she doesn’t move, looking at that place on the ceiling that assures her of how good she isn’t.
“No way, I figured that out soon enough… saw what you had and knew I could never be that good…” She lets out a laugh which hurts me with it’s bitterness. “…and the real fucking joke is that I couldn’t be bad enough either.”
I try to move closer, I need to touch her. “All of that was a mistake Faith, you know that, I know that…”
“A mistake? Nice word. Nice lie… it may have started out a mistake, but don’t kid yourself that I didn’t know what I was doing afterwards, that going to the Mayor wasn’t anything other than thought out. Twistedly fucking thought out.”
“It doesn’t matter now.”
“Yeah, it really does, because that’s my point… I have never been good enough, I can’t believe that I thought it could change… that I could change.”
“But you have changed.” I see her skin flinch as I run my fingers across her. Her eyes flying from the ceiling to burn deep into mine. Her eyebrows arching in a way which doubts everything that I have said. So I say more. “It was you that even gave us a fighting chance… this would have ended long ago without you, and we wouldn’t have just lost Tara, all of us… Dawnie, I know I would’ve lost her, we were easy pickings for evil… you changed that.”
“But I still wasn’t good enough.”
My heart breaks with each tear that won’t stop. Because I know this feeling so well, the feeling of losing people, of every death laying heavy on your conscience, faces which float before closed eyes as you try to sleep at night. Of believing that everything you do will never really be good enough. I bring myself closer to her to speak it to her face, half across her and raised up on an elbow, staring down at her, making her see me… begging that she hears me.
“When I first got here Faith, do you know that I tried to walk away?”
“Huh?”
“Honestly, I swear it… I didn’t want this gig, anymore than the next girl, I wanted makeup and shoes… maybe a boy, a place on the cheerleading squad… but not this duty, this calling. So I tried to turn my back.”
But still her eyes doubt me.
“Ask Giles, he’ll tell you… I was an all American pain in the ass. And do you know what changed that?”
I see the flash and the twinkle as the Faith I know and love tries to break free, her mouth clamping to shut as she decides that I don’t need smart comments, that this isn’t the time to brush bad stuff away with banter. Instead just shaking her head, imperceptibly almost.
“It was Wills, she went off with a vamp… and I knew I had to fight, knew I could never be free of this, that I could never stop fighting no matter how much it hurt, no matter how bad it was, how crap it made life…”
“But you saved her right? You were good enough, you did your duty, got a slap on the back… it’s not the same…”
“No, I saved Will, but I lost someone else… Jesse.”
“Who?”
I remember the boy that still haunts me at night. A boy we don’t mention, a boy we all remember. Their friend, and the first one that I lost here. I could never forget him.
“He was Xander’s buddy… a good guy, a sweet guy. And I didn’t save him… not even close. They turned him Faith, they turned him and they set him on us, so no… I wasn’t good enough.”
“But you got better, you got good…”
“You really need to read up on your Buffy history, you know that?”
I try for a smile, try for something which might make her smile back. Not working though, her sighs and her tears still taking precedence over anything light.
“I tried to walk away again…” I let out a soft laugh as I remember how much I wanted to run. How scared I was. “…I begged mom to take me away, they told me I was going to die and all I wanted to do was to run.”
“Normal reaction B, no shame in being scared.”
“But I was the slayer, I had no place running… so don’t ever even think that I’m some kind of hero… I stayed because I had to, I died because I had to, not because I was good enough, because I was any better than anyone else.” And it is the truth. The first time I had died I had surely not wanted it. Given the chance I would have fled as far from Sunnydale as was humanly possible. Super humanly possible.
I watch as her tongue flicks out to moisten dry lips, as she finally brings her hand up to wipe at her tears. Her chest rising as she sucks in another of the breaths which releases as a sigh.
“Makes you wonder why the fuck we even bother…”
“Because we can’t save them all, but we can still do our best.”
“I hate my best… it just never seems good enough.”
“It was good enough when you helped Dawn, me… it’s like Giles said, this isn’t our fault… doesn’t matter how crap we feel now, how useless… it’s evil’s fault, we just have to carry the burden.”
“Yeah… the job really is shit.” And her mouth does twitch a tiny bit for me. The deep brown of her eyes letting me fall fast inside for a moment, not blocking me with more tears. With thoughts of our failures.
I let my head rest on her shoulder, let my elbow collapse to bring me in close again. So many thoughts still screaming through my mind. Pricking at my conscience, ripping at my heart.
“I’m sorry I was so hard on you when you came back Faith, the things I said… the times I hit you…”
“Doesn’t matter B, it’s forgotten.”
Of course it isn’t. It hurts when someone calls you wrong, when someone calls you a whore and a liar. When they put voice to the things which haunt you inside. I can feel all of her ghosts in this room, and I know that I hurt her.
“It matters to me, I was wrong, I was stupid… forgive me?”
“You’re joking?”
“I’m really not.”
Her weight shifts underneath me and I move to give her room. Watch as she flits her gaze from wall to wall, not touching me, not resting on me, as if she is uncomfortable with what I just asked of her.
“That’s so fucking wrong, you can’t ask that…” Her hand raising to draw through her hair, her face twisting into something close to a snarl. “…Jesus, you can so not fucking ask that!”
“You don’t… you don’t forgive me?”
“Shut up B, yeah? Just shut the fuck up.”
And what happened to the safe feel of comfort? To placating tones and words of togetherness?
“‘Shut the fuck up?’ You maybe want to rephrase that?”
“No… no I don’t.” She swings her legs round and goes to sitting. Showing me her back, talking tough to the wall in front of her. “All those things that I did B… you remember them right? And we’re not talking mistakes are we? We’re talking the real nasty shit that I did because it felt ‘good’… and you want fucking forgiveness for calling me names? Are you stupid?”
“No, but if you don’t turn and calm it, I’m gonna be a little pissed…”
“I ain’t joking B.”
I dare to take the chance at touching her, at placing my small hand to her back, to her shoulder, to say the truth of the matter. What I should have said so long ago now.
“Faith, I forgave you for that… okay? I should have said it, god… I should’ve had the courage to feel it a long time ago, but don’t think that I don’t forgive you for it…” I want to say sorry again, I’m scared to say sorry again. “…turn around… please?”
“What changed?”
“What?”
She doesn’t turn, she speaks her question to the same wall. Same harsh tones.
“What changed? You didn’t forgive me before B, not when ‘I’ said sorry… so don’t say it now to fucking make me feel better, I don’t need that bullshit…”
And how do I answer that without more hurt? Without more of this pain that has us so tight within it’s hold. So firm in it’s grasp.
“I…” Yeah… I what? “…I did, but it’s… complicated.”
“Nothing’s ever fucking easy.”
“Faith, please stop? Please… turn around?”
I know my voice cracks on it, not on purpose, I want to be strong for her… I don’t want her to turn out of pity. My eyes springing leaks again as she does shift in her spot, as she turns ever so slightly to show me how much anguish can sit on her face.
“I didn’t expect it before, that was all… I didn’t, I didn’t know what to say… how to say it… I didn’t deserve…”
And I can’t make the words. I don’t understand the words. So jumbled and confused.
“You didn’t deserve what?”
“I didn’t deserve… you.”
“What the fuck?”
“I didn’t deserve you.”
She turns fully now, in fact she turns with that speed I have come to admire, with that body I have come to admire. And I have to tear my eyes away, have to hold in the gasp that seeing her again makes me take. Trying to compose myself, to speak the absolute truth of that absolute moment. It wasn’t about her, it was about me.
“When you came back Faith, god… wasn’t that just a slap in the face, seeing how good you had become…” She snorts derisively, and I refuse to hear it. Intent on making her hear me. “…and all that it did was confirm just how bad I had gotten, just how sick the things which I was doing were… all of it, not just him, but Dawn… my friends, watching you take the place that was meant to be mine…”
“I didn’t want to take your place.”
“I didn’t mean it like that… not in a bad way, in a good way… making them laugh again, giving them hope again… I felt it all, and then…”
Do I have the courage for this one? Can I speak the final truth?
“…and then, the way… the way that you made me feel, it felt wrong… I felt wrong.”
Her eyebrows are knitting so close together, such confusion at my mess of words.
“I made you feel wrong?”
“No, ‘I’ made me feel wrong… you made me feel better, and that was the hardest to accept. It wasn’t about forgiving you, it was about forgiving myself, I didn’t… I couldn’t…” I let out a sigh, a tiny little sigh. “…maybe I still can’t. But you I did forgive.”
“Oh.”
She still looks confused. Like she doesn’t understand. And I have to say, I have to be strong and brave, not for me, because I deserve it, but for her… because she deserves it.
“You made me feel… you made me feel love. I fell in love with you Faith, everything I had wanted to feel, everything I had missed since I crawled from the grave… and you made me feel it.” I draw my eyes away from her, so scared, as scared as I have ever been, my physical nakedness nothing as strong as how naked I feel telling her this. “And I knew how wrong that was, knew what a lie I was… I didn’t deserve to feel it, all I wanted and I didn’t deserve it.”
I pick myself up from the bed before she can speak to me. Finding a little space to pace across the floor, a little space to try and understand it all for myself.
“Come here B.”
Walking further away. The memory still so close… every time she touched me, every time he had touched me. A shadow across my heart as I think of just how much I am not worthy of her love in return. “I just wanted to be good enough for you Faith, I wanted to make myself good again… and now? Now I still feel less. It’s not you that’s not good enough, don’t you see that? It’s me… I’m the one that needs your forgiveness.”
“Buffy?”
I don’t hear that. I don’t stop pacing. Stamping out my refusal to let everything go.
“Will you stop, will you listen to me?”
Holding myself tense, holding myself taut. The strings of a bow, just waiting for her to come pluck me. Not giving her the come pluck me eyes though, just boring them into the floor, into the ground. Still so ashamed of myself.
I feel the air charge as she finds me, as her arms warm the chills which are seeping across my body. Not speaking to me, not yet… but holding me, holding me close as I find so many tears. For everything, for all of us. For the whole damn situation which feels worse than anything I have ever felt before. Stroking my back, stroking my hair, and promising that it is okay. Just hold on tight, it is okay. Feeling the loss as she pulls back, as air finds space between us… the fear of her leaving me like this, knowing I will never survive if she leaves me like this.
“Look at me?”
And I can’t. God knows I can’t.
“B… it’s only me, look at me, please?”
Trying to find more strength when I feel so weak. So beaten. Seeing the fall of tears which I made her cry. “I’m sorry Faith.”
“Shhh, it’s okay… just stop.”
I bite at my lip, clenching my eyes so tight to stem the flow. “I’m sorry.”
And now she smiles? She is smiling at me?
“You’re such a dope, I swear it… you are such a fucking dope.”
Her lips are on mine with the sweetness I long for, just soft, just gentle. Just for a fleeting moment until she pulls away again, to speak to me. To run her thumbs under my eyes and wipe at these tears. To wipe at the pain.
“You thought you weren’t good enough for me?”
“I know it.”
“Then you know shit B, serious… you know shit.” Her embrace is so warm as she pulls me back again. Her flesh burning against mine in ways which make my blood flow faster. Ways which affirm my life to me like nothing else. “All the time and I was eating myself up about being good enough for you… about being good enough for anyone, and you know, I think I finally figured it out…”
“You did?”
I pray that she did, that she has. That someone has the answer for us.
“Yeah, I did.” Her hold loosens enough so that her face looks into mine, so that the deep brown of her eyes has me captive in her gaze. “It’s not about good enough B, about any of the bad shit we did when we weren’t… together. It’s about here and now, about the only thing fucking mattering is that we’re good enough for each other. It’s about forgiving each other… accepting each other, it’s about loving each other.”
And can it be that easy? Can it really be that easy?
“It is?”
“Yes B, it is… it is because we say it is. It is because… damn it, don’t you know it? It is because I love you, I love you Buffy… do you get that? Do you understand that?”
It sounds like she’s pleading with me, when I thought that I was the one pleading with her. And god do I get it. Both of our doubts, our fears… our shortcomings. Our isolation. I get all of it. I understand all of it. I nod my head because I need a second to steady my voice. “I love you too Faith. I get it… I love you too.”
“And that’s good enough for you?”
“You’re good enough for me.”
Feeling it go through me with such stunning clarity. The chosen two. It makes so much sense. And I do show her the truth in my eyes now, the come pluck me feeling which is rising up through my soul, the need to affirm the greatest goodness that we have left. Not failure, not badness… but the two of us together. Nothing but strength to be found in the two of us together.
Her kisses chasing away the last of the feelings which had me crying tears, letting go of everything which told me I was wrong. The softness of lips, the feeling of fullness.
“I want to make love to you Buffy, can I do that?”
Oh god. My breath freezing in my throat with the intensity of her gaze. I have never been looked at this way, never felt this way. My body arching into hers with every affirmation that yes, she can make love to me. That she is probably the singly most qualified person on this planet to make love to me. Losing myself to the feel of her fingers sliding so gently across my skin, across the curve of my breast, making my muscles all tighten as she glides her way to my ass…
“Yes Faith… god yes.”
She sinks her mouth to mine, her body crushing into me, her pelvis grinding against me. And it stops me. It stops me so dead that I have to pull myself away from her, have to take this moment to show her just how dissatisfied I am with what I am feeling.
“B..?”
Oh you wanna look confused ‘miss still got my pants on’.
“Pants Faith… lose the god damn pants!”
And she looks down and finds a hearty sized chuckle, tucks her fingers into the waistband and shoots me a look of pure lust, absolute wanton lust.
“You sure? Cos I can keep to slow… I might fucking explode, but for you Buffy? Anything.”
And where does she find that voice, where did she learn to make her eyebrows dance like that? So suggestive as she taunts me with a nakedness so close.
“Lose the pants!”
“You getting aggressive with me?”
Turning just a little, sliding the top down across the tightest curve of ass I have ever seen. The wetness between my legs reminding me just how damn good it felt with her inside of me. Demanding that I do all that I can to bring her back to me.
“Faith…” Finding my own form of growl, of deep down huskiness.
“Yes Buffy?”
Sing songing it, her tongue running in delicious circles around her lips. And I can’t ask again, I can’t be passive when I want her so much. Crossing space before she can register my assault, my mouth crashing against hers in a desperate bid to make her mine. Completely mine. I had come here because I wanted her, because I straight out needed her… and now I would have her. My hands inside of shorts and tugging them down, finding a way to throw her to the bed like she had thrown me earlier, no time to stop and admire the pose, just aching with the absolute need to remove the last of the barriers. Almost primal in my taking of it, ripping shorts from her legs as if they were made of cotton candy…
And oh my god. Oh my good holy god…
“You’re incredible Faith… you are so beautiful…”
Knocking the wind from me. Her body just perfect in the way that it sits. From her face with the eyes that are shining right through me, to the shoulders, the breasts, the stomach which ripples as she moves herself up, the confidence with which she holds herself, the sexiest thing I have ever seen. As if she knows how good it is… and I understand now, I understand where she got that voice, what makes her eyebrows dance… she is just perfect. Letting my eyes linger as they find the prize which I covet, the junction of thighs so firm… the way that she spreads her legs so teasingly, so temptingly… opening herself up for me…
“Come here.”
But not moving, I swear I can’t move. Just one moment more, just this moment to imprint this view onto my memory so as I never forget, never forget the feeling which is flowing through every inch of my own body. I need her. I have to have her. I ache for her. Falling to my knees on the floor, because I have nothing else… my fingers almost nervously reaching out to touch… her feet jumping as I caress them in a pursuit to touch it all…
“That tickles…”
Not caring. Because I do have to touch. Her ankles so delicate, the skin across her calves so smooth… guiding me, pulling me up, making me find the end of the bed as the floor becomes too far away… glancing to see eyes which look at me so curiously, so intimately…
“I love you Faith.”
The only words which make sense as I lean down to kiss her, just the soft skin which hides beneath the bend of her knee… not stopping as I hear her intake of breath, letting my tongue rush forwards to lick at her thigh, just the tip… the slightest taste… pausing at a place I have never encountered, have never known I could want this much, never wanting anything this much…
“I love you.”
Feeling stronger with every breath, my mouth sucking at the flesh which marks the way to her hip, my own gasp falling as my breasts make contact with skin, as my nipples ache with the feel of touching her this way… the first to find the wetness which tells me that this is the right way. That she wants me to do this… that she’s loving me doing this. Kissing her navel, collecting the taste of her flesh as I make my way up, not being able to resist the pull of her own breasts, of those nipples which look so dark in the half light, so dark and so hard… calling at me to touch, to claim…
Her sighs drifting out as my fingers stroke so softly, so gently, a palm grazing, a barely there touch…
“Is this right Faith..? Is that good?”
Not pausing to hear, not stopping my mouth from wrapping tight around the dark brown of her skin, so different, so contrasting… her back arching up as I suck as hard as I can, as I take as much of this heavenly skin into my mouth as is possible, wanting to devour her… wanting to consume her.
“Fuck B… that feels so good… so fucking good…”
Her hands burying in my hair to pull me in tighter, her hips pushing up to mark me with her scent, the scent which fills the room, which breathes tight into my lungs. Pulling my head away to share the attention, another breast, another delight… fingers working hard to keep her moans falling, teeth nipping, tongue swirling. Feeling the shiver as her grip tightens on my head… demanding that I go to her, that I raise myself above her to find her lips…to give kisses, such deep wet kisses, my body forcing itself so hard against her. A rhythm unlike no other as she grinds herself up, as her pussy touches mine in a kiss I had never imagined to be this good, this intense… this so much more than heaven…
“I want you Faith…” Urgency in my tone, need fuelling my words. “…God I want you, I so want you…”
Her hand touching mine, bringing it the distance to the wetness which runs against her thigh, closing over it as she places me so firmly between her legs, the sparse thatch of hair feeling soft against my palm…
“Like this?”
Feeling the slide as my finger slips between folds, as she shows me how much pressure is the right pressure, the way that she wants me to touch her… needs me to touch her… her legs opening more as I move to see, as I cast my eyes to witness the sight of me fucking her, loving her… hips raising with unspoken want to have me inside. And I know that want, I have felt that want, and now I want nothing more than to satisfy her the same, to hear my name rasp out from that throat in tones which make me shiver with nothing but absolute desire…
“Oh fuck.”
Yes. The warmth of the feeling as I slide so easily inside of her, her hand still pressing tight against mine, her hips still bucking as she demands more from me… her voice pleading more, me giving more… two of my fingers disappearing as my eyes don’t move, captivated by the way she engulfs me… by the sight of my hand coating in her juice as I pull slowly in and out, my own private show. Her hand mingling with mine as I feel her fingers slipping alongside my own, her channel opening more as we fuck her together… still so controlled…
“Buffy..?”
Breathless, calling me, tearing my eyes away to see her.
“That feels so good, you feel so good…” Nothing able to stop the smile that those words produce, able to stop the way that I cast her hand aside, that I find the room to fill her with my own fingers… three of them buried so deep inside of her… and I forget controlled, there is no control to the way that she makes me feel… wanting to pound at her, wanting to rip screams from her lips, moans from her throat. My mouth going again to the darkness of her straining nipples, sucking as deep as I fuck her… in and out, solidly, firmly… my own demands that she gives it to me… I want her… I want everything.
“Yes, fuck yes…” Over and over as I slide inside her, my palm banging against her clit every time that her hips raise, losing anything but the feel of it… the strength in it, her fingers delving tight into my hair as she pulls me harder against her breast, riding my hand… and I want to scream myself, want to feel her… need to feel her…
“Faith… oh god…”
My pussy pushing out a rhythm on her thigh, aching with the pressure of feeling this good, of needing this much… and she gets it, pulling me to her, almost roughly, above her on my knees, the sounds of her pussy assaulting my ears, and I do scream. I scream out everything as her hand finds me, as her fingers bury inside me like I am inside of her, together… so fucking together…
“Oh yes… oh god…”
Feeling the grasp as my pussy convulses around her, coming before I even know what is happening… not able to stop the bite, my teeth from latching onto her skin as she draws more from me… my hand pushing deeper inside as I beg for her to give me the same… hips bucking, her head thrown back, my eyes catching the crease of her brow as she concentrates everything into this… and my name… my name falling from her mouth in sweet breathless panting…
“Fuck B… oh fuck… yes… oh god, Buffy…”
Her whole body tightening beneath me, the fingers inside of me making me nearly cry as she pushes them so tightly down onto the front of my inner walls, coming again as she comes for me… riding her, as she rides me. And I barely notice as her other hand slides down again, as she holds my hand so tightly against herself, my palm grinding into her clit with so much force… so much want, feeling the flood as she explodes over me… contracting around me, god… its so damn perfect… she is so damn perfect… riding it out, not breathing, just moving… just keeping this rhythm going as long as is possible… over and over, not even knowing where it comes from, how she keeps fucking me with my hand buried so deep in her pussy, how her hips can still move. Till I scream again, as my ‘oh gods’ fill the room in such honest devotion. As her cries rise to join me, her hand moving away as she trusts me to fulfil her completely, instead grasping at the sheet, flying to my hip, holding me tight a s we ride out the last of the climax… a climax like nothing I have ever felt… I didn’t know… god, I didn’t know it could feel this good. This right.
My body collapsing, her hand tearing from me as my body moves away, moves down, on top of her, covering her… my own fingers still content to move softly inside of her, my mouth finding a smile as I feel her throb all around me, shudders passing through her with every slight twist, every slight turn…
“Holy fuck B… holy fuck…”
And I don’t know if she means that the fuck is holy, but it certainly feels like something divine. Like something complete. Like something so much more than fucking.
As she pants out her last, I let my elbow support me again to find my refuge in those deep brown eyes, as I lose the ability to speak in everything that I see. Everything that I feel.
“Do you know how special that was?”
And I can’t answer, I can only move my hand again to signal yes, move my mouth to smile as she gasps at the still close contact. The soft purr which sighs from the back of her throat as she reconfirms it.
“That was special… you’re special, Jesus B… I am in so in love with you.”
“Me too.” All I can manage. And she has to be the cocky one. Always the cocky one.
“You’re so in love with you too?”
But I can do cocky. I can move my fingers slowly in and out as she tries to trip me with my words, I can watch with delight the way that it stops her teasing tones.
“No Faith, I am so in love with you.” Softly pulling my hand away as I move myself to straddle her, to sit astride the woman that I love and shower her face with kisses. To let every touch be punctuated with more and more words to confirm it. And I am never ever going to stop, I will never stop with this loving her. Her words saying the same, her kisses meaning the same. Minutes which roll into more minutes as time passes us by in a daze. What is time when you have found such love?
And it makes it so rude to hear the turn of a key in the door, the slam of the door in it’s frame. The confusion it brings.
“What the fuck?” Having her moving from her place beneath me, grabbing at a t shirt, those shorts I had such fun removing.
“You expecting someone?”
“No damn way B.”
Straining my ears to hear as she leaves me to find my own set of clothes, tossing aside torn panties to feel the roughness of denim against all of the places that are feeling so tender now.
“Cordy..?”
“Hey you, surprise!”
“Angel?”
“Yeah, surprise again.”
Oh god. What a time for a reunion. It makes me rush to find the top which is fallen by the bedside, to try at calming my hair into something which might look respectable. Still hanging back to give them their greetings. Maybe a little embarrassed to have witnesses to this. To what just a moment ago was just so intimate.
“What… I don’t… what are you doing here?”
“Now that’s no way to spread a greeting Faith, you not pleased to see us?”
“Uh… sure, really, totally cool… but what? I don’t… did I know you were coming?”
I hear Angel’s tones. That calmness. The surety.
“Not a surprise if you knew we were coming, and we wanted to surprise you.”
“Well you got me.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Me Cor? Nothing wrong… why?”
“I don’t know… there’s something, you’re glowing… Angel, she’s glowing.”
And oh god again. I know I have to go out there. I know it, yet my feet won’t move.
“I wouldn’t say anything is wrong Cordy, in fact… Buffy?”
His voice raises as he calls me. Damn vampire senses. Damn vampire noses!!
I feel my cheeks flushing in so many ways as I leave the sanctuary of the bedroom. As I confirm for his eyes what he already knew. “Err… hi guys.”
I try for perky smile. I little wave of these fingers which are still coated in Faith.
“Oh wow… I was gonna tell you it was time to saddle up Faith, I guess you already got that covered.”
“Sweet Cor, really… you been hanging at the comedy club again? I told you about that, you ain’t got the stage presence.”
“Who needs it, when my lines are so good?”
And I just wanna crawl quietly away. Maybe find a nice little cave somewhere, live out my days without those eyes which are already teasing me.
“Looks like I don’t need to ask if you missed me, I had figured on something closer to sombre…”
“Don’t fuck about Cordy, you don’t know what it’s been like.”
My feet take me to her as I hear the tone in her voice, the way that the hurt rises so quickly to the surface. I want to touch her, want to reassure her, want to do it all without it being under the studying form of their gazes.
“Come on girls, play nice.”
“She started it.”
“So mature Faith.”
“Bite me.”
“By the mark on your neck I’d say Buffy took care of that already.”
“Cordy, leave her alone…”
“No it’s cool Angel, let her bring it on…” I just shake my head as she cracks her knuckles. Catch Angel’s eyes for the first time and offer a small smile.
“Are they always like this?”
“Mostly, it’s like a love hate thing.”
“Yes, I hate her and she loves me.”
“In your dreams Prada girl.”
“This is Gucci, learn your labels slayer.”
And I shake my head again, move past them to sit myself down on the sofa. I want to get past this, get to the reason that they are here, slap bang in the middle of the night.
“Angel?”
He turns to join me, takes a seat opposite me. “So are you here for the banter or is there a deeper meaning?”
“You know me, always a deeper meaning.”
It seems our move has tempted the other two away from the friendly jibes, making them come to join us, Cordy on the couch, Faith finding a place to stand and observe us all.
“So what’s the what? You got some shit in the city you need a little slayer help with?”
“No… nothing like that.”
“So…?”
“So Faith here finally got her wish.”
I look to Cordelia, wonder at her words. Look to Faith and see the way that she is eyeing me. Hungrily.
“Not wrong there sweet cheeks.”
And does she have to give her ammunition?
“Keep it in your pants horn dog, I meant the other wish… the visionary kind.”
“No shit? You got the tinglies all for me?”
“Yes, and believe me, you in my head is just as annoying as you anywhere else.”
“Aw, you hurt me.”
“No, you hurt me… I had to take a handful of Advil just to get through the pain.”
I try and follow them, I really do. But god, can they not shut up? Just for a minute, just so I can know what needs to be known.
“Guys… seriously, can we not try at making sense for a minute?”
“Good plan Buffy, now Cordy… are you going to break the news or shall I?”
“You think I’m gonna let you steal the fun after I had the vision? Not a chance big guy!” She shoots him a wink, a soft and sexy wink. Turns her attention back to me. To Faith. “I had a vision…”
“Yeah, we got that…”
“Faith.”
She looks at me contrite. Bites her lip to keep her mouth shut.
“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted… I had a vision, it seems there’s a witch that needs a small spot of rescuing.”
“Wills?”
I feel the fear envelop me… god, if anything has happened to her whilst I have been here, then that’s it. I quit. I can’t take anymore.
“No, and wow… I really did have you pegged for a little more clever.”
“Cordy!”
“It’s okay Angel, she’s got thick skin.”
“Hey! I moisturise!”
And now I’m at it too. Drawn into the banter when all I want is to hear the truth of the vision.
“Then you need to moisturise a little more, I can see the frown lines coming…”
I reach my hand up to my head, not believing that I even listen to her. I know how caustic her tongue can be, how quick her mind works.
“Quit the shit girlfriend, what’s the deal with the witch… it’s Tara right?”
“Ding, ding… give my girl a prize!”
They share a look, a smile, and I wanna protest that she’s ‘my’ girl. I don’t though, I bite my tongue and I wait… feel something stirring in my heart, something that feels like hope. Like belief.
“Get to the facts Cor, I’ll take my prize later.”
“Seems like the big bad stinking lump of leechy can’t digest a soul with so much goodness… she doesn’t taste evil enough, I would go as far as to say not a bad bone in her body…”
“Holy crap…”
“I second that… I mean, really… Tara’s… alive?”
“Well as far as the PTB let me know, then yes… I’d say a little weak and disorientated, probably needs a solid meal or two… but yes. Alive and kicking. She needs you guys, she needs Willow.”
And my god. I don’t know what to do, I turn my eyes to Faith, see the exact same feeling… like a second chance. Like absolute jubilation.
“You up for a rumble B?”
“I… wow… like, how?”
“Simple, like I said… she’s stuck in there, the thing can’t digest her, she can’t get out… you need to get mojo girl to open up the portal, it’s your job to get her out.”
I stand without thinking, I have to feel her arms, I have to give her mine. Going to her in a rush that has us meeting in the middle, her whoops, my whoops, laughter, maybe tears. I share it all with Faith.
“Wait… tell them everything Cordy. They have to know everything.”
And that sounds a little too ominous.
“So there’s a little danger, where’s the fun without the danger?”
“Cordy, tell them.”
I drop my hand to find Faith. Feel as her fingers curl tight against mine. Nothing that we can’t face. Nothing stronger than us, than what we are together.
“There’s a chance that going in there could… uh… kill you.”
“You fucking what?!”
“I know, it’s where the headache came from I think… it’s the leech, the Hiru… the erm…”
“Hirudo Beluosa.”
“Yeah, what Angel said… it sucks out evil, it feeds on evil… if you’ve got darkness in you, then this thing is gonna find it…”
“Oh.”
I feel her hand break from me now. Watch as she goes to isolate herself across the room from me. And I won’t have it. I can’t have it. I need her. It’s where my strength is.
“Faith…”
“No B, it’s cool right? I’ve got the dark soul, you’ve got the light one… this is your gig now, I’ll just… I dunno, I’ll cheer you on, provide refreshments.”
Angel rises from his seat, goes to comfort my girl, to speak to her in the calming way which he finds so easily. “Come on kid, stop it… you know this isn’t about that. You were in the vision, you have a job to do.”
“Don’t call me kid, I’m not a fucking kid.”
“And you’re not full of darkness.”
“Then why all the worry, why the ‘tell them Cordy’?”
“Because both of you need to know what you are up against, how bad it is what you’re facing.”
I speak up, use my own voice. “We know Angel, we saw it… we can handle it, both of us, together.”
“I hoped you’d say that… and now we have to go and see Willow.”
“Now?”
I look to the clock, register the time at after midnight. Realise that yes, now is the right time. She won’t be sleeping, and she needs to know. I turn to them again, let my eyes match the honest tone of my voice. “Guys..?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I… when we get there, can I tell her? Will you let me tell her?”
Because I need to tell her. I need to be the one to tell her.
“You wanna steal my thunder? Jeez, what is it with you?”
“Please Cordy..? Please?”
“Of course you can Buffy, Cordy won’t mind at all.”
And I watch them exchange another look. See the closeness that resides there. Confirm for myself what I had already been told. It makes me smile. Everything in this room makes me smile. Hell… everything in this life is making me smile right now.
“So we motoring or what? This girl wants to get her groove on.”
“Change you shorts first Faith, they’re inside out.”
Her eyes fly down, and no they are not. Making her flip Cordy the finger, making her go to the bedroom with me so close behind. My shoes are in there. My girl is in there.
“Hey.”
“You toss me some pants B, from the closet?”
I grab a pair of jeans, tight jeans, jeans which will nestle her ass in the most amazing way. Throwing them to her, watching as she pulls off the shorts and wriggles her way into them. Letting my eyes devour every second that her flesh is on show to me.
“I look okay?”
“You look amazing.”
And her eyebrows dance again, my pulse dances again. Not moving as she saunters her way over to me, as her lips pause in the instant before a kiss.
“I love you B, you know that?”
“I know that.”
And then the kiss. So soft. So deliciously sweet. So distracting from the things which we are supposed to be doing.
“HEY! You guys going for seconds in there?”
“No Cor, thirds… give us a minute okay?”
And now laughing as she rolls her eyes at me. Places a final chaste kiss against the top of my forehead.
“I guess we should go.”
“Hell yeah B, this day just keeps getting better and better, I thought it was perfect before, now it just wicked perfect.”
“Wicked perfect?”
“Sure thing, look it up… it means really good.”
“You are such a smart ass.”
“Hot ass.”
“That too.”
“GUYS!”
“We’re coming!”
And we are. Linking hands again as we leave the room. Ready to go home, to face Willow, to bring them all together and to let them know that the world didn’t end. That the world isn’t over. And we won’t fail again.
I’m not even scared, I have never felt more brave. It doesn’t matter what Cordy says, nor the ominous tone of Angel’s voice. None of it matters. All that matters is that Tara is alive and Tara needs us… and most of all, we are going to bring her home. I am absolutely sure of it.
Chapter 29
POV Buffy
Lying in a vast empty bed, with nothing but the cold crispness of sheets to keep me company, to wrap me in an embrace which does nothing to stem the fast flow of my thoughts. I try and focus on the things which I know, on memories that are real, everything to keep my mind from wandering to the fear of the unknown, to the journey that I would have to take tomorrow. I have been to heaven, and not ever have I wanted to go to hell. But then, what is want, when you weigh it up against duty?
Laying here now, it feels like want is everything. Like my arms are aching with the emptiness of not feeling her close to me. Not having her to hold like I want to be holding her. Each second of waiting, feeling like an endless hour of unmet desire.
Darn pesky hormones! I’ll be writing sonnets soon!
I just… god, I just can’t forget the feeling of being so close to her. Of finding a level of satisfaction that I didn’t even know that I needed. And I want to feign shocked, I wish that I could, but I just feel kind of stupid… like I spent so long denying what she could mean to me, what she did mean to me, that I wasted more time than when I was lying dead in the ground. Time is precious. I’ve learnt that, I don’t want to waste anymore time.
The car journey home tonight had felt like time eternal. I was so anxious, so excited, my heart was still pounding from the recent… hmmm, exertions? Yes, from that wonderful feeling of physical exertion… that it seemed to take forever to get home. Even the walk up the path feeling like a marathon in the hot Cali sunshine. The cool air of the house had been a relief, home at last. The soft light of a lamp being all that lit the room, Giles caught in the warm glow, glasses in hand, squinting those aging eyes at another Latin text. Someone else still looking for answers. I couldn’t wait to tell him that we had one. That we weren’t beaten, not yet. He had smiled as he looked up, as he took in me and Faith.
“Girls, I didn’t expect to see you tonight… is everything, okay?”
“Oh, I’d say more than okay, G-man… I’d say it’s party time!”
He had found confused then, rising from the chair, eyes narrowing as he ran his gaze slowly over us.
“Party time, Faith? Am I missing something?”
“Hey Giles, I’m back!”
“Cordelia?”
“Giles.”
“Angel..?” It was funny to see his face trying to comprehend why we had all turned up in the middle of the night, wearing grins which clashed with every sad feeling permeating the deathly silent house. “Is there a reason for this sudden reunion?”
Turning his eyes to me, expecting sense. You would have figured he would’ve learnt by now. “Of course there’s a reason Giles! Not that we need a reason, it’s always nice to have friends drop by, especially old friends… even in the middle of the night, even when your just learning the finer intricacies of…”
“Taking a breath. Can it B, I’ve got this.”
I had flushed embarrassed, it was just so hard to order thoughts with her standing right next to me, so aware of her presence now, of the measured rise and fall of her chest. Of how her breaths had sounded so ragged in the moment before she came, gasping at air, calling my name. It was impossible to order thoughts.
“It seems we’ve got a bit of a sitch Giles, it’s a long story…”
“I had a vision, Tara’s alive, she needs rescuing.”
“Excuse me?”
“What she said Giles…” I tried again to make sense. “…Cordy had a vision, Tara’s still alive… she needs rescuing.”
And I failed again. It made me mentally zip my lips, offer a little smile instead.
“Right, thank you Buffy, most helpful… does anybody else have anything to add?”
“The Hirudo Beluosa feeds upon the darkness in the human soul, it feasts upon it, Cordy had a vision… it seems that Tara has nothing for the leech to suck upon, she’s still alive.”
It had taken Angel’s official tone to get the information out, sending Giles’s eyes wide with the news, feelings glistening as it sank through to his conscious. “Well that’s… I mean, bloody hell. That’s quite extraordinary.”
“That’s an understatement Giles, it’s fucking awesome, is what it is.”
“Quite Faith, my sentiments exactly.”
I hadn’t been able to hold it in any longer, I had thrown myself into my watcher’s arms, knowing that he would understand what this meant to me, more than saving Tara, a chance to absolve the failure. I hadn’t even heard as Dawn’s footsteps padded softly upon the stairs, bringing her down to stand in amongst us, to cast her own tired eyes in confusion around us all.
“Do you know what time it is?”
“Hey kiddo, did we wake you?”
“No… but it’s still really late… and there’s more of you.” She let a huge smile split her face as her eyes rested on Cordy. “You’re back! Oh wow, this is SO great! Not great, great, everything here really sucks… but you’re back!”
Flinging herself into Cordy’s arms, forcing the normally so hard girl, to show her softer side, the side that makes my little sister so happy. “Hey Dawn, I missed you too… I bought you a gift back, a nice pair of shoes…”
“Oh my god, you got me new shoes?!”
“With heels.”
It sealed the deal. She screamed as loud as any damsel in distress. Practically squealing. Bringing someone else into our midst, someone who wasn’t understanding a need for smiles, for anything other than tears and pain.
“What’s going on… what the hell is going on?”
“Ah Willow, quite timely of you… it seems there’s some…”
“Giles, wait.”
I had stepped forwards, gone to the stairs and waited with my hand out. Terrified as the seconds passed and she didn’t move, as her eyes refused to meet mine in anything but short harsh glances.
“Please Will?”
Cracking over the words. Feeling my throat constrict as she went to walk around me.
“Hey Red, you might wanna take a seat.”
“I can stand, I like standing… now the joke? Guys? Because I really need a joke, I really need to know what can make everyone laugh so hard, whilst my heart is still breaking… please?”
Green eyes icy cold as they did meet mine in that moment. Accusing. Recriminating.
“Oh for crying out loud! Take a seat Willow, we’ve got good news…” Cordy flicked her eyes quick to me, shrugged her shoulders in apology. “…your honey pies alive, you can stop with the heart breaking heaviness… Tara’s okay.”
“No…” Stepping back from us, her eyes flying wide, head shaking. “…you’re lying…”
Dawn’s own eyes flying wide with the news. I was going to go for more subtle, ease them in gently, give them a second to breathe. I raised my brow at Cordy, chastised her silently for breaking her word. For not letting me break the news.
“It’s the truth Red, I swear it… Tara’s okay. She needs us.”
“She needs us..? But… how, impossible, I don’t… she’s… why are you saying that? Buffy?”
And she turned to me. Maybe she didn’t think about it, maybe it was just a reaction, but she turned to me. Asked for my confirmation that the world wasn’t over. That the sun still burnt brightly, that everything wasn’t dead.
“Tara’s alive.”
“Oh goddess…”
Catching her in my arms as our pain was lost in a tight embrace, her words over and over, praising at goddesses, at gods, at anyone she could think to thank for offering her this salvation. A chance at life. She had even found enthusiastic hugs for Cordy and for Angel, no one missing out on the feeling of absolute joy. A moment that you could barely even wish for. Eventually calming, her quick mind and intelligence fighting for dominance over emotion. Needing to know the facts, needing to make a plan, not needing to hear the part that she would have to play again. Such fear in her tone as she realised what was required of her.
“But I can’t… don’t you understand? I can’t do that… I can’t do magic, I can’t open the portal… I just can’t… I can’t do it.”
“It’ll be okay Wills, we’ll be there… we’ll all be there, nothing bad will happen.”
“You can’t know that… you don’t know what it’s like, what the darkness feels like Buffy.” She had wrapped her arms tight around her own body, softly rocking, biting at her lips. “What if I can’t control it? What if I… what if I lose you? I can’t do it.”
“You won’t lose us Red… you just have to believe it, we believe in you… Tara would believe in you.”
“I lost Tara.”
“And now you have to find her… you know you can do it. I know you can do it.”
Never loving Faith more than I had in that moment. The way she had gone to her, had knelt in front of her and assured it to her eyes. Not wavering in her glance. Solid and firm. “You can do it.”
“But I don’t know how… Warren said the words, I just let it happen… he used my power…”
“We’re already on that one Willow, Wesley is bringing some transcripts we have in LA. We wanted to get here straight away, he’ll be up in a few hours… tomorrow. We can do it whenever you’re ready.”
Her head finding a slow nod. A confirmation that she would try. “Thank you Angel.”
“Don’t mention it, I owe you one.”
“You… owe me one? Did I miss something?”
I wondered the same. I couldn’t remember any old debts that needed settling.
“I do. I’ve been there remember, where Tara is...”
“And you owe me one why? It was Buffy that sent you there…”
“You sent me there with my soul. With my heart… I never would’ve made it through without that, without the spell. I don’t know what saved me, what brought me out, but I felt my soul every step of the way.”
“Oh… right, well don’t mention it! Anytime.”
She flushed a little with his thanks. Regressing back to the shy school girl that he was thanking. The fledgling witch. It softened the room, allowed us to get to the important stuff. What we were going to do, how we were going to do it. A phone call was made to Xander, sharing the good news, absolutely assuring that we didn’t need him and Anya to come over right away. That tomorrow would be soon enough. We had all heard his shouts of happiness down the phone, his excitement and his joy. We all felt it. It was crazily infectious.
Endless chatter taking us into the early hours, not long till daylight, everyone desperately needing some rest for the morning. For what we would be doing. I had cradled Dawn’s head on my lap, stroked the hair from her eyes as she strained to keep them open, to keep witnessing exactly what hope looked like.
“Come on you, I think it’s time to call it an evening.”
“But Buffy…”
“No buts, bedtime.”
And she didn’t even have the energy to argue. I would have to remember that. Keep her up all night every night, never another disagreement. Allowing her the five minutes to wrap her arms around everyone in a hug. Finally trudging the stairs with a complete lack of energy.
“She’s really grown Buffy, how’s she doing?”
“Oh she’s good Angel, well… she’s good now, ask me a couple of months ago and I wouldn’t have been able to answer. But she’s good now. She’s gonna be okay.”
“It sure helps that she has some style now.”
“Yes Cordy, thanks so much for the obsession with the expensive towering shoes…”
“You should try them, you could use a little height.”
And I bit my tongue. Just smiled sweet. I felt like I owed her a lot.
“Well it’s time for me to get going, the suns going to be coming up soon…”
“It really is isn’t it?”
Willow’s tone so hopeful, her eyes spilling with the knowledge that everything wasn’t lost.
“Yes Will, it really is.”
All of us standing then to say goodbye to them. Not knowing who the them was going to be. Whether Faith would turn to go from me. If I had the voice to speak up and ask for her to stay. I had watched as she fidgeted, as she hung back and let Cordy and Angel take first hugs and handshakes, first words of ‘see you tomorrow’. And then she had been in front of me, unsure eyes meeting mine. Eyebrows arching in a question, in request.
“So is the offer to stay, still on the table?”
“You wanna stay on the table?”
“Cute.”
“Of course it’s still there… it’s extra there.”
“It’s, ‘extra there’?”
Eyes twinkling, soft lips twitching.
“Uh-huh, look it up… it means, erm… please stay?” Because I lost witty puns, and quick witted come backs. I didn’t want them. I just wanted her. Please stay, was exactly what it meant.
“I like a girl with nice manners, all please and thank you…”
“Oh Jesus, you like girls with hot asses Faith! Now are you coming or what?”
“With you? No. I’m gonna stay here, keep an eye on everyone…”
I let my mind trail off before her words did. Not hearing them, just stepping back as they said their goodbyes. Barely registering Angel’s cool embrace, Cordy’s hand on arm. Just lost in the knowledge that I wouldn’t be alone here tonight. That I wouldn’t be lost in a bed which I didn’t feel safe in. Could barely bring myself to slip between the covers of.
“You okay Buff? It’s all pretty crazy right?”
“Yeah Will, good crazy…” Able to concentrate everything into her. Breathing softly out as she let me find her arms at last, as it felt like she forgave me a little. “…I promise we’ll bring her back. I promise I won’t let you down.”
“You didn’t let me down, it just hurt… it all just hurt.”
And I would let her say it, would pretend that she truly meant it. But we had all been letting each other down lately. This would spell the end of it. No more let downs, no more bad times. We would bring Tara home and we would all find a way back to happiness. I was hanging onto that thought so hard. Bidding goodnight until it was just me and Faith. Just her body being picked up by the still soft light of the lamp. Holding herself still, waiting for me to break the silence.
“You were great with Wills tonight.”
“It was nothing, she was just scared… I pushed her past it. Made her see what was important.”
“Well, you did it wonderfully. You know, you should like social work or something… you have a way with people…”
Raising my eyebrows as she let out a loud laugh. “No way B, what I would counsel in? Being dysfunctional?”
“I’m not joking, really… why not? You could counsel kids, maybe at the high school…”
“Whoa, back up there, I ain’t got no wish to go back to high school, in fact right now, the only wish I have is to get a shower and get to bed…”
But the thought was in my head. I was thinking it through again now. And I couldn’t see why not… I bet they employ anyone at public schools, and Wills could vamoose the little Juvenile detention thing… and jobs were important. Yes. Jobs which you don’t go to for days on end, hoping that end of the world would be a valid enough excuse to have absence. I had ignored the lure of the Doublemeat Palace in favour of trying to survive, and I knew that Faith wouldn’t be the only one having to find a job in the future.
Maybe we could work together. Maybe Anya’s idea of getting paid for slaying wasn’t really that mercenary. Cordy had told me a little about making money from Angel investigations… maybe we could do that? Maybe we could be the small town branch of the big city operation. We could liase… share resources. We could help them, they could help us…
“Hey, what ya thinking about?”
Oh how that voice makes me shiver. Instantly warming, cold sheets nothing anymore as her presence heats up my blood.
“About how incredibly much I missed you whilst you were showering.”
“Aw, that’s all kinds of sweet B. I did invite you to share…”
Eyebrows wiggling, my eyes not looking. No. My eyes are drawn to the clasp of her hand on the front of the towel, on the droplets of water that fall from her hair to run down her skin.
“Are you spazzing out?”
“Huh?”
“I asked why you didn’t wanna share?”
“Oh, right. I did… but you know, with the nakedness factor… the wet factor…” And she drops her towel. Just like that. Showing me naked, showing me wet. “…the you factor.”
Eyes roaming tight over curves, breath catching heavy with the feeling.
“You could have washed my back B, I could’ve washed yours…”
And I can’t think or function. I can only nod. Can only bring myself up to sitting as she comes closer to the bed. Feeling over dressed in PJ’s as her nakedness keeps me speechless.
“…you could’ve towelled off my hair, made sure I was dry…”
My mouth is dry. It is the only place that is dry.
“…but then I wouldn’t be able to do this.”
This? Not moving as she crawls up the space till she’s close enough to touch. Her chest rising and falling, her mouth barely open, eyes demanding that I don’t move. I won’t move. I ask softly.
“Do this?”
“Yeah B, this.”
Her smile spreading, as she leans closer. Her head shaking, water spraying. And WHAT!?
“Faith!”
Her hands going to my wrists, holding me down, spreading the freezing droplets of water all over my face.
“Ugh, stop it! I mean it… let me up…”
Hearing her laughter, the tease of her tone. “No way girlfriend, you want up, you’re gonna have to bargain… what’s it worth?”
Bargaining? I could do that.
“What do you want Faith?”
“I can have whatever I want? You mean that?”
“Anything.”
Barely a whisper, all that my voice can find. Becoming aware of her body sitting naked across me. Of the layer of clothing that is stopping me from feeling her. Catching as her gaze gets the same. As play becomes so much more than just finding fun.
“And what if I want you?”
Eyes burning so deep.
“I was hoping you’d want me.”
Not caring now as her wet hair surrounds me, cold water framing my face as her lips trip lightly to find mine. Soft whispering kisses that fall slowly across my skin.
“I want you.”
Groaning as her tongue delves deep inside my mouth, still holding me below her, aware of all these points of contact. Needing to feel her.
My breathing is erratic as she moves down my body, as she bites at my nipples beneath the cotton of my vest, as her fingers slide slowly down my arms to speed down my sides. Skin. Fingers on skin.
“Oh god, Faith.”
Her mouth so hot as it slides against my navel, following the path of those fingers as she edges the vest away. As she clears a path for me. Makes it easier to breathe, lifting my head to bid goodbye to the barrier. Smiling as she tosses the top to the floor, as she grins herself at what she sees.
“I ain’t never gonna tire of this sight B.”
Making my breasts strain forwards to feel her touch, my arms collapsing as she comes in close again. Sucking at air as she sucks at me. Fingers, lips… all of it so consuming. Burning through me, raging through me. The chill which brings shivers when she pulls back to blow a breeze, to tease my nipples into standing taut for her, growling at the sight, attacking me with renewed vigour. Those lips which were so soft, pulling so hard at my skin. Down along the sides of my body, hands reaching the waistband of bed clothes, growling again.
“Too many clothes.”
Agreeing with her. “Yes, too many…”
My ass lifting high as she seeks to remove them, pulling her body back on its haunches, tossing them aside and now just sitting. Just looking. Her eyes practically penetrating me with the intensity of the gaze.
“I wanna taste you B, I am so fucking dying to taste you.”
And I feel the spasm, feel the tremor that slides through me as she rasps out those words. God do I want her to kiss me that way, dying myself to feel her lips wrap around me, her tongue slide inside of me. “Faith…”
My legs slipping open to her as her fingers graze the insides of my thigh. Her mouth just behind, hot air falling heavy against my exposed naked pussy. “Ages I dreamt of this Buffy… how sweet you would taste, how hot…”
I know that I have to bite hard on my lip, I have to squeeze everything into not crying out in this moment. The first sensation as I feel her tongue touch me… Jesus, so good… her hands finding a grip on my hips as she teases me further open. Slowly up and down, barely there pressure…
“Oh god… more… please…”
Pleading because I have to, I need so much more.
Practically crying as she pulls away. “More? I’m just getting started.”
Raising my head to meet her eyes and seeing so much. The lust, of course the lust… but the love. It is so god damn sexy, so heat enthusing. It fills me with a confidence, the ability to speak words I would cringe at in daylight. To let my hands travel down to wrap up in her hair. To pull her tight against me.
“I need more.”
“Oh fuck…”
And yes… oh fuck. So tight against me, her mouth sucking my pussy hard, her tongue thrusting forwards to trace out harsh patterns, to apply the kind of pressure I have dreamt of so often. Naughty dreams where I would hold her face to my pussy and scream for hours as I demanded she fulfil me.
I couldn’t scream here, instead grabbing at a pillow for a breath of respite, somewhere to let the sounds get lost. My hips bucking unmercifully as I feel just how fucking fantastic it is to have dreams coming true. Almost true, knowing there will not be hours of this, already streaming down my thighs… my pussy quivering as her fingers seek me out too. Not even knowing until I feel her thrust hard inside of me. A squeal escaping, making her head break away… making me protest at the loss…
“Quiet B, gotta watch the volume…”
Her finger teasing me with it’s solid assault of firmly in and out. Accentuating each word, making it so hard.
“I… god Faith… I can’t…”
Burying my head as she touches me with her mouth again, feeling my clit disappear between lips, hard sucking, hard fucking… losing my grasp in sheets, in her hair, against the pillow… just moving, not knowing, trying to keep a hold on it… a lid on it… another finger, another thrust…
“Yes, Oh Faith… that’s it… yes…”
And more pressure. Pressure I can barely stand. Calling me out, forcing me to ride harder, to grasp harder… oh god… so close, hands so tight in hair now, holding her prisoner… yes… there…
Screaming. Not muffled by a pillow, not silenced by anything. Just this feeling breaking free. The feeling as her tongue buries so firm inside of me, drinking from me… hot cum rushing forward to meet her. And god, there is so much, my body convulsing over and over as she keeps up the feeling. Matching me breath for breath, second for second. Not stopping until I stop, until my bodily finally drops from the pinnacle she had taken me to, until my words are begging for relief, a moment to recover. To process.
“Oh god Faith… wait, please? Just a moment…”
“Mmmmm.”
Humming against the most sensitive clit I have ever felt. Making me buck, squirm. Shudder softly as more of a climax slides through me.
“Oh god, that’s… Faith… stop!”
And pulling her head away with a grasp that has stayed firm. Meeting her eyes, falling into those eyes.
“Hey, watch the hair!”
“Just shut up and kiss me!”
Because I need her kiss. I need those swollen looking lips dripping new tastes against mine. Wanting to know how seductive the taste of me on her is. How hot it makes me. How content it has made me.
“You’re being all aggressive again B, I like it.”
“I said kiss me.”
Pouting as she takes her time to follow my order, letting her still wet hair trail lines across my skin, my flesh goosing up under the touch. Kissing me all over, my whole body flaming as her lips softly claim me, as she takes her own time to meet my lips. To hold herself flush against me. And that smile again. I love that smile.
“Hey.”
“You wanted a kiss?”
“I do… I want a kiss.”
A soft chaste kiss. Placing it almost in reverence against my lips, looking at me in almost awe. “I love you Buffy.”
And my breath catching. Because she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, and she speaks the most beautiful words I have ever heard. Have ever felt.
“I love you too.”
But her smile says she already knows that. Of course she knows that. Her mouth kissing me harder now, sliding the new taste of me deep between my lips. And it IS so sexy, so hot. So nothing I would’ve imagined before. It makes my hips move to touch her, to place my scent all against her, my pussy demanding that I share the taste with hers. A slow rhythm, a gentle rhythm. A rhythm to bring whispered sighs, the walls still shaking with the earlier screams.
“That was amazing… is everything you do so amazing?”
Her eyes burning into me. Her rhythm pushing harder, her body tensing as she carries me away. Like a tickle at first, flesh touching flesh in just the right places. Sliding against each other, grinding against each other. And I hold on tight, bear the pain as her teeth find the place to mark my shoulder, sucking me, biting me. Her whole body tensing as her pussy climaxes hard against mine. Ragged harsh breathing. Just lying here together letting the heat of our bodies match the heat of desire.
And my brow cooling now as the time ticks by. As the sun dares to find the gap between a curtain. Illuminating the bed. Illuminating the clock. And god, it’s like breakfast time. My stomach rumbling beneath Faith as I have the thought.
“You sound hungry B…”
Her head not moving from where it lays against my shoulder still, her eyes slid to shut.
“I’m tired.”
“Mmmmm.”
“You gonna move over? Let me get some blood flow?”
“Nope.”
Her eyes still not opening, her mouth twitching. And I don’t need to ask her. I just roll her from me, onto the coldness of fresh sheets, exposing her front to the chill of morning air.
“Cold!”
And what is it with the one word communication now?
“Well get under the covers… come on.”
Lifting the sheets and taking her inside. The room not so empty with her lying next to me. The ghosts not so obvious as she pulls me in tight. Kisses the top of my head and whispers goodnight. I wanna say good morning. I say nothing. I just lay here and listen. The slow sound of heavy measured breathing. I know I won’t sleep, I still have the thoughts to order. The fear to quell. And I still have the nightmare, the sound of what lies beyond the portal. The sound of hell.
It makes me hold tighter, makes me measure my own breathing into long soothing breaths. I listen to her heart and I let it calm me. Remember the strength, the joy of a second chance. And I watch the sunrise. A sun that hasn’t died.
“Hey… time to wake up…”
A sound far away, a tickle across my lips.
“B..? Come on sleepy head.”
And my eyes slowly opening. Faith all dressed, all full of smiles. All of it for me.
“Hey you.”
“Hey yourself.”
“What time is it?”
“Not too late, just after ten, everybody’s up.”
“I didn’t mean to sleep.”
Her lips pressing softly against mine as she keeps up the smile. “You needed to sleep, I wanted to let you sleep.”
“Thank you.”
“No, thank you.”
I show her a little confused, after all, I haven’t done anything.
“For letting me stay B, I’ve never been much of a stayer, I kinda liked it.”
“You ‘kinda’ liked it?”
Losing myself in the taste of minty fresh as she shows me just how much ‘kinda liked it’ means. It feels like a lot, it feels like I never want her to leave again. It feels so good as my fingers seek out the places that she has covered with clothes, teasing across the skin of her back, making her gasp out restraint.
“You better quit that girlfriend.”
“I had? Cos I wasn’t planning on it.”
“Unless you wanna give the neighbours a second listen of the slayer sex show, then yeah… you better quit.”
And what?
“The neighbours?”
“You screamed pretty loud… hell, I think I may have screamed pretty loud.”
“Oh god… oh my god.”
My gaze falling to take in the room as I remember exactly where I am. Who’s bed I lie in. “Wills is going to kill me!”
“Nah, I think she’s kinda impressed, way too excited to care about bed swapping.”
And I do stop the fingers from travelling, lifting myself up to sitting as I consider death from embarrassment. It feels like a valid option. Way better than getting myself up and facing their glances.
“My god, what about Dawnie..? Could I be a worse sister? She’ll think I’m a hussy!”
“No way, she’ll just think that you’re happy. Don’t knock it, the kid needs to see happy.”
“I don’t think she needs…” And what were her words? “…a ‘slayer sex show’, I’m pretty sure she can cope fine without that one… I mean, I barely have the money for the house, I can’t afford therapy!”
“She’ll be fine, trust me. Knowing that her sister gets her naughty on, it isn’t the worst thing ever… at least I have a pulse, right?”
And I can’t believe she just said that. Eyebrows all teasing, finding a banter that makes things okay.
“Yes, Faith. You have a pulse… plus a great pair of breasts, a hot as hell ass… I’m sure her counsellors will be ecstatic, I’ll get sister of the year.”
“You like the breasts B? And the ass?”
“You’re missing the point!”
But maybe I’m not. I’m just falling into her eyes as she slips the cover slowly down over my body, as she exposes my skin to the cool feel of the morning air, her grin spreading ever wider. Not touching, just looking, making me flush from the study.
“You see something ‘you’ like?”
“I told ya B, I ain’t ever gonna tire of this view.”
Smiling at her words, squealing as she jumps up and pulls the covers straight from me. “Faith!”
“What?” So innocent. “You gotta get up, the others are on their way, it’s a busy day B, you can’t spend it in bed.”
“I’m gonna get you for that.”
“I can’t wait.”
Her eyes just dancing for me, laying herself back and watching me gather up my discarded garments. And I’m trying to ignore her, trying to put my clothes back on with all sorts of dignity. Pulling a brush through my hair, tying it up in a ponytail.
“Okay, I’m done. You ready to go down?”
“You are feeling naughty, I like this B, all demanding and wanting…”
And THAT was innocent! I wasn’t even thinking about that kind of thing, no. Not her lips on me there, her lips on me everywhere. No no no!
“Zip it, seriously… can we get through this morning without descending into naughty talk? Please? For me?”
“But you said it, I was just waiting on ya getting dressed, you asked if I was ready to go down, you can’t turn this one on me Buffy, pretending at coy…”
And I know I’ll never win. Maybe I don’t want to.
“Okay, okay, I’m the wanton hussy, you’re the epitome of innocence… now can we please descend the stairs in a manner befitting… uh…”
“See? You can’t even think pure thoughts about stairs. I’m gonna have to watch you, threatening my virtue.”
“You’re an ass.”
“And you wanna kiss me, makes you an ass kisser! Are you proud?”
“I do NOT want to kiss you!”
And I back slowly towards the wall as she stalks me, coming closer, that tongue just grazing those lips, a growl resonating heavy in her chest. Pushing up against me, a hairs breadth away.
“You don’t? Cos I was wanting a kiss… just a little kiss.”
Her lips so tantalizingly close, so full. So moist. So…
“Guys! Giles said downstairs NOW!”
So Dawn.
“Okay Kiddo, I’m just fighting off your sister, won’t be a minute.”
“Faith!”
“What? It’s the truth, I saw the way you were looking at me.”
And I catch her wink, and I flip her the finger. Try and steady my breathing as she turns from me and opens up the door. Exposes me to the sight of my sister with her hands on her hips.
“Dawnie, good morning…”
“Huh! Don’t even bother Buffy. You are SO lucky that mom isn’t here to witness what you have been doing in her bedroom… she would freak.”
And I hadn’t even considered that one. Was still chastising myself for the delight I had found in Willow and Tara’s space.
“Oh god, I’m sorry Dawn, I didn’t mean… I mean, I didn’t…”
“Leave it, it’s no problem, I just wanted to see your face.”
And she smirks at me now! Is it the world against Buffy? I try and find the dignity again as I bring myself to stand in front of her. As I wonder at the faraway look that has taken over her face, the sadness that creeps so softly into her eyes.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Uh-huh… I was just thinking, if mom WAS here… I think she’d be happy. Not with the doing stuff in her bed, but you and Faith. I think she’d be happy.”
Tears welling in my eyes to match her own. Just this second. Just a moment for mom. I reach out and offer her the feel of my arms, hold onto the youngest in our family. We have to be strong today, we have to make it through and we have to succeed, at the very least so as I can make my sister happy again. That would make mom happy, if I made Dawn happy. I get that now. I want that now.
“Come on, lets go down.”
Travelling the stairs to meet the others, milling about, finding breakfast. Easy speak, excited speak. So much expectation in the air.
“Ah Buffy, you’re up at last… I take it you slept well.”
“Yeah, great thanks Giles…” Seeing the look, feeling my flush. “…oh god, was anybody asleep?”
“You didn’t give us much choice, the walls are thin, you should remember that.”
“I will, don’t worry.”
The backdoor opening, Xander and Anya walking through, so many more hugs as the excitement builds, as the hour approaches. Just waiting for the final few. The ones with the words. I go to sit in the front room, affix my eyes to Wills as she affixes hers to the door. Also waiting. Her gaze not moving until we hear the car pull up, jumping up to open the door, to greet Cordy, to make room for a rushing Angel with a blanket to protect himself from the sun. And then Wesley. And then…
Well. I don’t know who she is. Fred I assume, the girl I had heard of… and another one? A man, all muscles and attitude. God, how many of them are there in LA? I thought that we had the biggest gang of misfits.
I let Angel do the intro’s and put on my perky voice to admit these new people into my home. They are here to help, they feel like family. It signals the start of loud voices, of war calls and of chants. Of plans and of direction. I tune out a little, the plans don’t matter so much to me, to Faith… all that matters to us is the fight, the going in, and the getting out. The bringing Tara with us. I catch her eyes as I flit round the faces, eyes which are staring at me, studying me. Eyes which make me smile over all of the battle speak. Eyes which keep on saying the same thing.
‘It’s all going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.’
And I believe her. I believe in her. Everything IS going to be okay.
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