POV Faith
It had been so damn good to be surrounded by so many faces that felt like my friends, all of the gang from LA, and all of the gang from Sunnydale. Or nearly all of the gang, the gang minus the one. The one that had brought us all together in the first place. One that was so fucking good, that the most evil of evil couldn’t bear to take a bite out of her. Not a chance, and we should have fucking known it. Hell really ain’t no place for a girl like her, we were gonna prove it, we were going to bring her home.
Listening to all the voices that had worked out the how’s and the why’s had sent me close to crazy, I had no time for all of that, I knew the deal, I knew that come the end of the day it would be me and B, and no one else, going straight through the portal to hell. And I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to say that the thought didn’t terrify me a lot more than slightly… but I had her eyes, and in her eyes I saw all kinds of belief. Belief which made me strong, belief that had me feeling like I would always be good enough. Forget the past, this was the present, and I was damn sure ready to get fighting the fight.
It was Willow who was the shaky one, the one pouring her gaze over rolled up texts that meant nothing more to me than something I didn’t need to know. But I get what it meant to her. Watching as she and Fred spoke in hushed tones about the validity of opening the portal again, about how they could do it without too much of the bad stuff, without freeing the very thing which we had fought so hard to keep caged, without letting loose the hell onto the earth which we were meant to protect. It was all mumbo jumbo to me, talk of sacred circles and of protection, when I had all the protection that I needed in the weapons which sat in my grasp, and in the girl that sat at my side. I tried to be helpful though, tried to offer reassurance in the way that Buffy seems to like so much, being there for her friends. Being strong.
“Hey Red, you got the words all hashed and rehearsed?”
“I don’t… ugh, I don’t know. I need more time.”
“Shame that the time’s the one thing that we don’t have, come on… your quick study girl, I KNOW you have it figured, and you have Fred to help you…”
“I know, I know, it just seems so… big? So everything resting on me.”
“I know that you’re up to it. We all do, wouldn’t ask if we didn’t know.”
She had looked up then, sat back from the endless reading and offered me her gaze, the green eyes shining with no trace of the darkness. And I wanted it to stay that way, hated that she would be doing the magic again so soon… just hoped beyond all hope that she could harness it all. That her power for the good was as strong as her power for the bad. It had to be. We were counting on it. I shifted a little in my seat as she kept her eyes firm, a smile daring to find her face in amongst all of the heavy shit.
“You’re getting too good at this encouragement stuff, are you sure you weren’t a cheerleader in high school Faith? Pretending you were wrestling the gators, when all of the time you were honing your cheering skills on a precariously balanced triangle of girls?”
“Not a chance… although, there were these girls this one time…”
“There was?”
Laughing out loud as B stared me down with a disbelieving look. “Sure thing girlfriend, all short skirted, shaking the pom poms, it was a wicked cool time, way better than the gator story.”
“Well maybe you can share that one after the doom of today Faith, I think Willow needs to be concentrating on the spell, not losing her thoughts to tales of debauchery.”
“Oh come on Giles, where’s the fun without a little debauchery?”
I had let my eyebrows do the talking as he shook his head in that distinctly British way. Well he couldn’t fool me, I bet he’d had more than his own fair share of debaucherous times. He has a little twinkle in his eyes which assures me of it. I see it and I had winked to show him, laughed again as he just shook his head. As he returned himself to the deep and meaningfuls with Angel and Wes.
I had just wanted to take a break from the sombre, it couldn’t all be sombre, we were bringing our girl home today, surely that needed a little of the light, a little of the smiles to ease up the frown lines. And so what that we had to go back to the place where it had all begun? Back into a basement which chilled me to the bone with the very thought of what lay there, the nightmarish memories of the place where she was trapped. Well fuck the chills. Fuck the basement. I was a slayer, I was stronger than any damn chills and any damn nightmares.
The strength had me hanging tight to Buffy’s hand as the warriors had made their way from the house, me and B to fight the fight from the inside, and the others following behind to either work at the magic, or to beat back the tendrils which we expected to shoot forth. That we knew would shoot forth. Even my tongue falling mute as the seriousness finally approached with such heart pounding clarity. Standing outside and counting the troops. Final words to make it seem like just another day, just another duty. Just another, ‘oh look, here’s the end of the world’…again.
“So we’re all ready? Everybody knows what they have to be doing?”
“Sure thing Giles, me and B are storming the portal… you, Fred and Red are working the words, and Gunn, Wes and Xander are flinging the swords… not so much to remember.”
“I just want to make sure, this isn’t a joke Faith.”
And that had stung a little. That he could think that my words, no matter how flippant, could reduce this moment to a joke. My heart was thumping hard in my chest with the weight that my shoulders were carrying, and so the fuck what if I tried to lighten that with a tone which hinted at fun times, with easy flippancy. I knew as much as anyone how much this meant. Everything that it meant. It made me turn in harshness towards him, made my voice growl as I spoke to him. At him.
“I know it isn’t a joke, I’m a fucking slayer, you think I can joke about that?”
Because there may have been a time, but that time was so long past. So distant to me now. I had seen him straighten up, drop his eyes, seen Wes as he took a step back from my ferocity.
“Hey guys? Calming breaths okay? I don’t think that now is the time to be splitting the ranks.”
“Yeah, whatever. Sorry B, guys… whatever.”
Letting my own gaze drop to the floor as they started to speak again. I had just wished that the sun wasn’t shining, that Angel could have been here to fight at my side, always so much calmer with him at my side. Instead I had looked up as Willow sought my attention, just a slight touch against my arm, a slight whisper that it was okay… that she got it. And that did make it okay. Made me pull my shoulders back again, made me reclaim the command that was so obviously mine and Buffy’s. Not an aging watchers, nobody’s. Nobody’s but ours.
“Okay, can we get this show going? Someone has to be first through the hatch, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that it’s gonna be me.”
Not waiting to see if that was okay with anyone, just pulling back the doors and opening up a basement, same old place, just chock full of the fucked up memories. The place where she had been held, the place where she had found her voice, the place that she had disappeared. It was all still there, looking the same, feeling the same. But not the same. We wouldn’t freeze this time. We would hold our heads high and beat the evil back into oblivion. We would wrestle our girl away from whatever held her, and we would do it all with a smile on our face.
I found a wall to rest against as they set about marking out the circle which would hopefully hold Willow and her power, trying so hard not to think about where I would be going, the things I would hear, what I would see. It didn’t matter right? I was strong. My eyes not glancing to the far wall… the portal wall. Not feeling as my chest beat out a rhythm which begged me to run, my instincts which screamed that this wasn’t the right way, not my way. I shouldn’t go in there.
“You okay?”
“Huh? Yeah B, you know me, five by five, right?”
Watching as her eyebrow had raised, as she tried to slip inside me with a gaze that sought to see everything. A shaking hand that had travelled a small distance to stroke at my face, to run soft fingers in ways that should have calmed me. Which didn’t calm me. My feet seeking to fidget when I knew that I should be finding stillness.
“I’m kinda scared Faith, you know… big evil portal, a ticket to hell, in fact I’m kinda terrified.” Her mouth still finding a way to twitch out a smile for me. “If you were scared too, that would be okay.”
“You want me to be scared?”
“No, I want you to be honest, you don’t have to hide it from me.”
I Considered that. I considered it hard. I had told her that I hated it when she hid herself from me, and I knew that it was wrong to be hiding myself from her. It had just seemed so natural, so right in the moment to be grabbing at a false sense of bravado. To be strong, to stay strong. It was all I’d had ever had, until then. Until she had brought the space to less, had moved her hand to use her lips and offered me an innocent kiss. Just a little something that I needed. It had me confirming her words, laughing them out as if I could mock them.
“Okay, I’m a little terrified, but just a little… and don’t tell the others.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it, how would they cope without a fearless leader?”
“Ah, they have you B, it’s all cool.”
Finding more smiles in the seconds that followed, losing sense of what was happening behind us, of the things which were completed, the troops picking up their weapons and waiting on the time. On us.
“Buffster, you gonna stop the smooches anytime soon?”
Xander’s words penetrating our own sacred circle of protection.
“We’re stopping, see? Stopped! Ready to go… what’s the plan?”
“If you had been listening you would know the plan.”
“Oh for gods sake Giles! Cut us a break okay? In case you’ve forgotten we’re just about to take a quick trip into hell, is it really so terrible that we might want to take a moment first?”
Her words had sounded so firm, so strong, so unarguable. And he hadn’t argued, had simply offered an apologetic glance to match his apologetic words. Gone slowly over the run through again, they would chant the spell, the portal would open… we would go through. And then things got a little more sketchy. Not even Giles really knowing what was supposed to happen then… Cordy had just seen Tara, had seen me and Buffy… no details, no take the first right, swing the second left. Nothing. Just go in and get out. I guess in a way it was my kind of plan, not too much with the detail. I swallowed the lump which wouldn’t move from my throat, the non sweet taste of doom coated gloom. Forced something which sounded like me into my tone.
“Well get chanting then girlies, I for one can’t wait to see Tara…” I had caught Willow’s eyes, slid a quick smile. A false smile. “…now just make sure that you get us out of there Red, no leaving a girl hanging.”
“No hanging, nope… I can do it, I can open the portal and bring you back out. Uh-huh, what’s big honking evil in the face of uh… um… me.”
“That’s the spirit Red! Evil ain’t got nothing on you.”
And it had sounded kinda hopeless, looking at her small form kneeling amongst the spread salt of the circle. The shaking of her hands as she held up the text, the quiver in her voice as her words had first been spoken. It had sounded all sorts of hopeless. And it had me shaking again, soft shakes, hidden shakes. The palms of my hands feeling clammy with fear… I had wanted to turn, to run.
“Oh god… Faith?”
And then turning to see. Watching that pinprick appear again just like before. The light, the glow, the sounds of screaming and of torment, the sounds which had plagued my sleep since the first time. The rank shoots of blackness that looked to break free. And I wanted to sidestep it, wanted so bad to stop the evil black shit from ever touching me again, but I couldn’t. I had looked hard at the others, seen their faces looking to me with absolute belief, and I let it be all that I felt. Let final words of encouragement fall from my mouth to keep them all safe…
“Don’t get eaten.”
Softening it with a wink, holding onto Buffy’s hand and stepping solidly forwards. Like Alice through the looking glass. Only evil. Not so much ‘curioser and curioser’, as, ‘holy fucking hell’. Seriously. Holy fucking hell. Hearing Willow’s words gaining strength as we lost all sight of anything real. Anything normal. As we lost everything except each other.
“Jesus…”
“I don’t think you’ll find him here B.”
Not knowing what we would find here, not even knowing if she would hear my words above the sounds, above the unrelenting noise of pain and of suffering. It had me falling straight to my knees, just the feel of it. Permeating me, infusing me with every bad feeling I had ever felt in my life. So much fucking agony ripping harsh paths through my system. I tried to fight it, tried so hard to keep my eyes searching out every bit of blackness for her. For Tara. For anything.
“B..?”
Nothing.
“Buffy..?”
And still there was nothing. The loneliness assaulting me with sweet twisted abandon. Coming in to take a hold of me, the emptiness. The nothingness. Mocking my strength, mocking everything about me. Caressing me with the feel of everything wrong, everything I had ever done wrong. Slow thrusting images which I couldn’t close my eyes upon. No way to stop seeing, to stop feeling, it was all about me, it was in me, making me scream out in absolute desperate gut wrenching terror, a need for salvation.
“BUFFY!!!”
Fucking begging her for salvation… I just knew it, I felt it, Angel was wrong, I couldn’t be here… I couldn’t survive here. My veins aching as I felt the blackness travelling fast through my system, as it flowed all one way towards my heart. My bones aching as my body grew weak without fighting, but I didn’t know how to fight this, I didn’t even know what it was. Where it had me or how it had me. It just had me.
“Oh fuck… argh…”
Convulsions wracking me as I felt myself being sucked towards the dark somewhere, knowing that it would be an end. The end. My end. Whatever, I knew that I was heading there… that the blackness all around me had found just what it needed to feast upon, everything that it had never found in Tara. In goodness. And I wanted to give up, I swear, I fucking wanted to give up… as I lived again all the moments that showed me my wrongness, my badness. The times when I had fucked the boys for the sweet taste of beer, as I’d fucked the girls for the sweet taste of pussy, my hand in open cash registers, my fists hitting true in faces they should never have dared to touch. I was living it again. Breathing it again. On slow mo, on fast forward, over and over. Jumbling together. The mockery I had made of my slayerness, experiencing the thrust again of the first vamp I had dusted, a mistake there as well, not knowing what it was, just trusting an instinct. Swelling my head with the memory of whooping out my power. Of the whisky I had downed to drown out the vision of the monster that had pursued me through the night… a watcher, yeah… show me a fucking watcher, the sound of evil screaming with such force in my head as I slayed every beast she had led me to hunt. Feeling the cloven hand caress against my form…
“God no, please god no…”
My first stomach churning feel of the stickiness of human blood, blood I had cared about, blood that had cared about me, ripped from me, stolen from me. Feeling the anger, the abandoned howl of knowing right then that I just wasn’t good enough, I was fucking bad… it was eating at me now, agreeing with me. Whispering tones hissing deep into my ears as I felt it all…tasting my darkness, teasing tendrils snaking forth like tongues to lap it all from me…
I felt the world crushing against my chest as I saw again the salvation in Sunnydale, such a sick joke, laughing a manic laugh that sounded all Warren, that morphed into the Mayor as I tried to fight it off… I couldn’t give up, not yet, needing to see her one last time… even this way, knowing everything that I would do to her, every evil act I had committed with a smile upon my face, every way that I could think of to hurt her, the evil twisted grin which I felt sliding across me in that instant… everything pulling at me…
“Buffy…”
And I don’t even know if I said it out loud. I just know that I felt her go through me.
‘Thanks B, I couldn’t have done it without ya.’
It felt like it had fucking slammed straight through me. Her soft curves, her short stance, my coarse words, her towering strength. Watching her cavort with a fucking vampire, and so what a fucking soul!? I was a fucking slayer… feeling that anger burn in every part of me, finding a home in me. Fists clenching, consuming me again, feeling the flames of hate, the sick sadness of wasted desire…the tossing of my body as whatever the fuck it was took comfort in my pain. Resonating approval. Sucking me dry. Not able to fight it with the knowledge of all that I knew now, powerless to do anything, just being forced to relive it as I felt myself slipping further away… screaming out tears as I saw what I became, as I saw the thick red blood on my hands, as I laughed at the tainted stain on my shirt…
‘I don’t care…’
Tormenting me, hearing my own words twisting back round to mock me, seeing the look that she saw, the cocky smirk that insisted I was nothing worth saving…
“Oh god, please… no more…”
I pleaded deep into the darkness for something to save me. Firing arrows at Angel, fighting her on a rooftop. And It felt like nothing would save me, I felt so surely that I wasn’t worth saving. Not even thinking of Willow and of Tara anymore… of what I was here for… just feeling like death, like I was where I belonged. Trying to hide from the reflection of evil eyes as I had stared back into the face that I had stolen so callously, the images working hard to keep me prisoner… and they had me prisoner. I know that I was crying from it, my whole body tensing as I felt the blackness slip tighter across me. Holding me, fucking embracing me with the coldness of home.
And then Riley… oh fuck Riley, wrong body, wrong person. Feeling another embrace of another man I didn’t want to touch me, who I didn’t want touching her. Hearing the tones of every bad past sneaking up to give comment…
‘There’s my little firecracker…’
Her fucked up voice amongst them. Cheering me on, laughing at me. Seeing her head shake as she witnessed everything I had become, every label self fulfilling as she screamed out words of whore, of liar. Of badness and of wrong. Watching them all laugh at me… my eyes tearing to my hands, feeling the warmth and the wet as I saw Wesley cowering before me… tied to the chair, his blood making me laugh too, making me scream… so much badness… I am so fucking bad… I’m so fucking bad!
“FAITH!”
Not even hearing it… not even knowing it. All I could hear was the mantra of the moment, the twisted monstrosity of my true to life story playing out before me… I had seen it all, I had watched it all… over and over… I was so fucking bad.
Feeling the sickening pull, as my entire being felt the pressure of ripping from the inside out, as finally the darkness slid to the place where the badness truly lay, breaking through all of my defences, my body shot to shit. My veins taking delight in delivering the wickedness straight to my chest… the centre of my evil. The dark stain on my soul. My heart.
Where my goodness lay? Like an echo, like something calling through the mist. My head shaking with the pounding force of all that I had heard, all that I could hear.
“FAITH!!”
And hearing her then. Oh god did I hear her. Louder than the scream of any evil, of any torment…
Buffy.
Knowing it. My eyes fighting to stay open on the rest of the moment. To see what happened next, to see the goodness that could thrive when my eyes rest upon her… that stupid fucked up cow/chicken hat… man, so fucking stupid! And her hair so short… why so short Buffy? Wanting to ask… tossing and turning as I felt more screams rising up, trying to fight them, to stop my eyes from closing… too much noise, not her screams, but the bad screams, trying to drown it out, sound it out…anguish and pain.
And him. Finally him. That soulless evil fucker, his sly twisting smile, waiting here to bring me down, to show me those eyes again, to taunt me with the way that his body so wanted hers… the way that his body had claimed hers, not memories, but visions, sliding against her, pushing down into her… making my anger choke forth… the darkness rising…
Her touch.
Like salvation.
And he couldn’t take away the feel of her touch… of birthday wishes that were nothing to do with anguish and pain, my own smile widening through the tormenting torture, through the blackness… my birthday gift, so sweet in her hands, his body so nothing in dust.
Buffy.
The soft feel of lips, not real… or real? Breathing life into me, breathing love into me. Letting it flow through me with the force that it demanded, no strength left to argue, to question. Hands beating against chests. And I Gave myself up then, not fighting, I had nothing to fight… I just had to trust. Had to let myself believe that if I gave it all up, if I let myself fall… that she would catch me, that she could catch me. Drowning out every bad sound with the sound of her breathing, the feel of her breath, breathing in me, breathing for me… not seeing it, just feeling it… like warmth. Like something good. Something right.
Closing my eyes for the last time. Nothing left in my heart except Buffy.
Just slow fleeting fragments. Just whispers of memory which have burnt and branded my skin, the stench of flesh burning, of evil awakening.
“Hey baby..?”
Soft. So fucking soft. A caress against my ears. Tears against my cheek.
“Can you hear me? Do you hear me Faith?”
I don’t know.
More voices, all in my head, nothing’s real anymore. I don’t even know if I’m here anymore. Just darkness in front of me, behind me. Not moving, barely breathing.
“Buffy she’ll be okay… just let her rest.”
“No Giles! You keep saying that, I’m sick of hearing that… how long huh? How long are we supposed to wait?”
“I’m with Buffy on this one, this is ridiculous guys… I mean what, a mystical coma? That’s crap, useless crap… can’t we do something? Surely one of you has the power to do something.”
“Unless you get a vision Cordy, then no… we don’t do anything.”
Angel. Angel is here? I didn’t think Angel was here… I thought I was fighting alone. When did Angel get here?
“Hey Buff..? Wills is asking for you, can you… uh, shall I tell her no?”
“Tell her what you want Xander, I’m not leaving her side. She knows where I am…”
“But she won’t leave…”
“I know that! But I won’t leave Faith… tell her, she’ll understand.”
I understand nothing. Just voices. Slipping away.
No more voices.
“Baby..?”
“Is she awake?”
“No… I just, I thought I saw something Dawnie, probably nothing. You should go down, go on… I’ll be fine, really. You go see the others.”
Others? I had heard the others… where were the others? Where was I?
“Buffy… is she… is she going to be okay? I know what Giles said, but is she really going to be okay?”
I hear tears. Tears in her voice. So many tears.
“Hey, of course she is… she’s just, it’s just taking time is all.”
“It’s been three days…”
“It doesn’t matter!”
“Sorry, I just…”
“No Dawn, I’m sorry. Go on, go down, maybe bring me some tea?”
“Are you hungry?”
“No… I’m fine. Just tea. Thank you.”
Footsteps going away. Don’t leave me here. Not alone.
“Oh god Faith, I wish you could hear me. Baby, can you hear me?”
I hear you! I’m not… alone.
“Faith I’m so scared, so damn scared… I can’t do this without you, I don’t want to do this without you. If you can hear me, please… just anything, just a wink, an eyebrow, I know you like the eyebrows baby… can you do that? Can you just wiggle an eyebrow for me..?”
Is she mad?
“Squeeze my hand yeah? Can you feel that? Just give me a squeeze… oh god, please… please?”
“Buffy..? Can I come in?”
“Huh? Angel? Sure, maybe you can hang onto my sanity for me. I’m losing it in here. Fast.”
“You should take some time, this isn’t healthy. You can’t stay here forever.”
“Watch me.”
“Buffy…”
“No! I won’t leave her, none of you can make me leave her.”
“What about Dawn? She’s downstairs, she’s hurting, she needs you.”
“I need Faith.”
Don’t leave me.
“She isn’t going anywhere Buffy, I’ll stay with her. You go on and get some rest, get some food.”
“Listen to me Angel, I am not leaving her! Now you can stay and play nice, or you can get the hell out… I am not moving.”
“You don’t need to do this, it isn’t your fault.”
“I should’ve got to her sooner… I should’ve known, we all should’ve known what it would do to her… Jesus Angel… you didn’t hear it, you didn’t see what it did…”
“I’ve been there… I know.”
“Well she didn’t know! I shouldn’t have let her go in.”
“She knew the risks.”
“No!”
“Buffy…”
What the hell are they talking about?
“I didn’t know, I didn’t know how bad…”
“It wouldn’t have made a difference. If she had known, she would still have gone in, you know that. I know that… and when she wakes up she will tell you that.”
I will?
“I just want her to wake up… it’s killing me Angel, I need her so much. I miss her so much.”
“Shhh. Come on, it’s okay.”
Those tears again falling.
“She died Buffy… that takes it’s toll, of course it does, but she’s here… you got her out, and you brought her back. She’s here.”
I’m here.
Touches which feel so real. Soothing skin, soothing the flesh that still burns with the sick strokes of evil. Coursing through me. Choking me. Holding me back.
But the touches feel real. Like soft tapping on wood.
“Hey, can I come in?”
“Huh, oh Wills, yeah… come in. I was just, I don’t know…”
“You don’t have to explain to me Buffy.”
“Right, of course not. How is she?”
“Doing great, really… I mean, not great, great, not jumping round the room greatness, but yeah, she’s good. She wants to come in later… she won’t stop asking. Is that okay?”
“Is she… is she strong enough?”
“I think so… Giles said she can get up tomorrow anyway, and we can get Xander to lift her, bring her in… it would mean a lot to her.”
“I’d like to see her, I’m sorry I haven’t…”
“No Buffy, I get it, you need to be here… she understands, she just wishes that she could be here too.”
“You’ve been here, you’ve all been here. It helps.”
“I wish we could do more.”
“I wish I could do more.”
“I think you did enough… you went back, you got her.”
“I left her.”
She did?
“No Buffy, no way, you didn’t leave her… you did what you had to.”
“Funny how that feels so pointless right now.”
“But she’s here, she’s right here.”
“Is she Wills? Is she really? Cos god… I can’t, I don’t feel her… I can’t feel her.”
Water falling. It sounds like rivers. Winding away…
“Just put her down gently.”
“I’m not gonna drop her Buff, what do you take me for, some kind of oaf?”
“You’re not an oaf, you’re the perfect specimen of a handsome mortal male, if they can’t see that then that’s their problem…”
“Thanks honey.”
“Oh god, is this gonna be the demon’s ode to the mighty Xander again? It gets kinda tiring… can’t we have an ode to something else, even evisceration, please? For me?”
“I could eviscerate you Cordelia, for old times sake, I imagine it would be all kinds of pleasing…”
“Guys! You wanna hush? A little respect?”
“Sorry Buffy.”
No. Don’t hush. I like it.
“Hey sweetie… how are you?”
Huh? That voice…
“I’m… I’m good, peachy, really… but what about you? Are you okay?”
“As good as I’m gonna be, not good enough for Giles, he’d have me on bed rest till I hit at least forty, but I’m much better. How’s… how is Faith?”
The heat of her skin as she touches my brow. Always touching me. Never leaving me. It warms me.
“I don’t know, I keep, god… I keep telling myself that she’s okay, but I just don’t know, I just wish she would wake up. Just a sign, just anything… it’s all that I want Tara.”
Tara? We saved Tara?
“Hey come on, it’s okay… she’ll be okay, you just have to believe it.”
“Exactly Buffy! You have to believe it… like Tara said, Faith would want you to believe it. She’s always going on about the believing, right?”
“I guess so Dawn… and I do, really, I do. But it’s been five days…”
“She did eight months last time, this is nothing, she’s strong… like Amazon!”
“How do you know how strong Amazon’s are?”
“I was just saying An, I don’t know, know… but, well, they are strong, right?”
“Definitely strong. Like Faith, only Faith’s stronger cos she has the super power deal, and shouldn’t slayer healing help, with the super fast healing and the uh… strength?”
“You’d think so Wills, I hope so.”
Strength?
“She’ll be fine, trust me… I know Faith, and there is no way that she’ll let evil keep her down, she wouldn’t let anything keep her down.”
“Thanks Cor.”
“No need for thanks, it’s the truth, this time next week she’ll be back to normal, and you’ll be wishing that you could keep her trussed up in a bed…”
“Hmmmm.”
“Hey Buffster, less of the naughty thoughts!”
“Hey… I was not naughty thoughts-ing!”
“Uh-huh.”
“I was NOT!”
Naughty thoughts?
“No Xander, she keeps those for our bed, and hey… did I tell you about that Tara, with the screams and the hollers?”
“Will…”
“There was screaming? I missed the screaming?”
“Oh yeah… I think Buffy was the loudest, but Faith held her own, it was quite impressive, way louder than you guys…”
“Dawn!”
“I was just saying.”
“Well stop saying, now… all of you, okay? I get with the laughs, I do, and thank you, but I’m just tired right now…”
“Right, come on guys, lets clear out, we can discuss Buffy’s sex life downstairs, give the girl some peace and quiet.”
“Thank you Cordy. I think.”
I like girls with manners…
“Tara..? Could you… would you mind staying?”
“No problem sweetie, I’d love to stay…”
“Not too long baby, you still need to rest too.”
“I’ll be fine.”
It sounds like a kiss. I miss kisses…
“So how are you really doing?”
“I’m not good Tara, god am I not good. I just feel like I should be doing something, that there’s something I could do.”
“You’re here, that’s enough.”
“But she doesn’t even know that I’m here…”
I know.
“…I sit here and I talk, and I touch her… but nothing. I just need something… anything?”
“Come on, it’s okay… it’ll all be okay.”
“I just feel like I’m falling apart, I can’t do this without her… I need her Tara, I need her.”
I need her too.
“For gods sake, be quiet Xander!”
“I’m not the one shouting!”
“I’m not shouting, I’m whispering.”
“Just because you say it in British, does not make it whispering.”
“Oh for crying out loud, just cover her over, make sure she’s warm.”
She is warm. I can feel her.
“Do you think she’s going to be okay?”
“Faith? I’m sure of it.”
“No, Buffy… she won’t eat, she only sleeps when she can’t help herself… do you think that ‘she’s’ going to be okay?”
“I wish that I knew… I’ve tried talking to her, we’ve all tried talking to her, but she just refuses to hear.”
“She’s kinda stubborn our Buffster”
“Far too stubborn for her own good. And if she carries on like this? Well, I just don’t know. Even slayers have to eat, we can supplement Faith, but Buffy won’t even allow for that…”
“She’s punishing herself.”
“I’d say that’s exactly what she is doing, such a misplaced notion.”
“And there’s nothing we can do about it.”
“No, nothing. I believe that unless Faith wakes up soon, then nothing will be able to reach her.”
“I could try shaking her awake.”
“Are you mad? God only knows what’s going on in her head right now, I don’t think that shaking is an option.”
“Well we have to do something, I won’t lose Buffy again… we can’t lose Buffy again.”
Lose Buffy?
“I’m rather hoping that it won’t come to that, Angel seems to think that the darkness is still inside of her… that it’s stopping her from breaking free. Waking up…”
“So can’t we suck out the darkness?”
“Do you have an evil sucking vacuum cleaner Xander?”
“Hey G-man, you cracked a funny!”
“Ha bloody ha.”
“Well we must be able to do something, a spell… what about one of those mind walk things? Willow could do that, right?”
“Unfortunately no, wrong. She has to fight it herself… we have to hope that she has the strength left to fight whatever is in her, not just for her sake, but for Buffy’s sake too.”
For Buffy’s sake.
Oh fuck.
Holy fuck it hurts. All over hurts, like nothing I’ve felt before… I can feel it scorching right through me, and the smell, it smells like burning flesh… fuck that’s nasty. Jesus, I can’t breathe, it’s inside me… fucking hell it’s inside me… Buffy? B..? Fuck, someone help me…
“Faith..?”
My veins are ripping from my skin, I can feel them fucking tearing from me, and the blackness… so dark, so alone, so fucking bad…
“Baby..? Can you hear me? Please Faith…”
Oh god, it’s in my heart, I can feel it in my heart… no…
“GUYS! SOMEONE!”
Touching me, tearing me. Inside of me… I need, oh fuck… I need to get it out…
“Buffy? What‘s wrong?… Oh my goddess…”
“What is it Wills, what’s happening to her? What the hell is happening to her?”
“I’ll get Giles, I’ll… oh god…”
Got to get it out…
“Faith! Faith… can you hear me? Oh no… baby no… Wills please? Do something?”
“I don’t… I don’t know what to do… I’ll get someone, I’ll get…”
“Arghhhh!”
“Buff…”
Got to get it out.
“And then what?”
“She just… I don’t know, it was like the tendrils, they just… my god Giles, it was so horrible… they just came out of her…”
“It smells gross.”
“It’s not a fucking picnic Dawn!”
She’s cursing? She’s cursing Dawn?
“I… sorry, I just with the smell… I’m sorry.”
“Just go to your room, you shouldn’t be seeing this.”
“Right, I’m sorry.”
Kiddo..?
“Hey Buff, you were a little hard on her, she didn’t mean anything.”
“Leave it Wills okay? Just leave it.”
“I’ll go to her… I’ll uh, I’ll just see that she’s okay.”
“Do you want me to help clean her Buffy?”
“No, thanks Giles… I’ll do it, I just wondered… it scared me, what the hell was that?”
“I can only guess that whatever it is inside of her, has finally begun to come out.”
“You mean that there’s more?”
“Who can say? I’ll speak to Angel, we’ll read more texts…”
“Well praise the lord, there’s more texts to read!”
“Buffy…”
“What Giles? You want me to jump up and down and proclaim the greatness of the books that have gotten us nowhere? Well I won’t, I’m sick of the books… I’m sick of all of this…”
“Just calm down, you need to calm down.”
“Just go, just get out. Please?”
“Of course.”
And I need to calm her. If my eyes can open… if I could just…
“B..?”
“Oh god… Faith?”
Yeah. If I could just…
“I heard it! I god damned heard it!”
“I’m not saying that you didn’t, I’m just saying that it was over eight hours ago, that you need to rest! If she’s waking up, then she’ll wake up… you don’t have to watch her.”
“You don’t believe me? That’s it isn’t it Giles? You think that I’m making it up?”
“No, I think that you’re exhausted, I think you heard what you needed to hear.”
“Get the hell out! Just get out and stay out!”
“Buffy…”
“I said OUT!”
Slamming doors. Walls shaking.
“God damn hearing what I need to hear? What the fuck does he think I am, god damn fucking crazy… yeah? Lets all hear it for the screwed up Buffster! Coming to a town near you… point, make fun, god…”
She’s breaking.
“Please Faith… baby please? I know you can hear me, just say something… do something?”
Cold, cold hands. Why are her hands so cold?
“I can’t do this anymore… I can’t, I’m losing it Faith, I can’t do this…”
Holding onto me.
It soothes the darkness. It soothes my soul.
“I love you, do you hear that? I love you!”
Oh god B. My heart breaking. The sound of pain, of tears and of heart ache. And no more. I can’t… she can’t. No more. I try and fight with everything that I am, past the blackness, the darkness… up through the barriers which hold me so tightly, through the words and the visions, the sights that haunt me…
I am so fucking bad.
“I love you Faith.”
Over and over. I hear it… I can feel it. I love you too B. I…
“…love you.”
“Oh my god… Faith?”
It hurts. My eyes, I can’t… my eyes… I can’t see…
“B..?”
It sounds so foreign, so hoarse and heavy. Barely there. Barely here.
“Baby? It’s me… I’m here, oh god, I’m here… I love you, I love you so much… please, hang on… I love you…
Hang on. Please… hang on.
Like coming up through a smoke screen, everything hazy, not a fucking clue where I am. Oh wait… no, I have a clue, I remember… I think. She was here. Buffy was here…
“Faith?”
My head feels like its fucking pounding out the techno as I turn to face her, my mouth so dry, my throat aching and raw.
“W…water?”
“Sure thing, just relax… I’ve got water here.”
Letting her lift my head, trying not to wince as she touches a soft spot. All of it a soft spot.
“Just slow sips okay, you’ve been out for ages, no gulping.”
“K… where’s B?”
“Hey you! I’m here.”
Not dazzled by the smile, just lost without the feeling.
“Cordy?”
“Okay, okay… I get the deal, no ones ever better than the Buffy. Which is kinda odd considering the state she’s in, but hey, no hard feelings…”
Slow down.
“Hey… can you slow, please?”
“You must be feeling rough, asking a hot girl to go slow…”
Not smiling. Not laughing. No fun. No games.
“Buffy?”
“She’s fine… they just… they thought it best to sedate her, she was kinda going crazy when you started to come round, wouldn’t let anyone near you…”
Oh is she gonna be pissed.
“How long..?”
“What? How long since they sedated her?”
I try so hard and give her a look. Unimpressed. Maybe just dopey.
“Aw, that’s cute, trying for fierce so soon, but really, no… it’s been six days, just about seven. You had us all worried there… I mean it, everyone has been here. You really know how to get the fear flowing.”
“Six days?”
“Yeah, nearly a week. How are you feeling, cos you look like crap?”
I don’t know. Fucking crap?
“Cool, not too bad… what… I don’t remember, what happened?”
“You were the hero sweet cheeks. Chewed up the evil, saved the world, saved Buffy… Tara… I’m kinda sketchy on the details…”
“Tara?”
“Hell yeah! She’s fine by the way, a little weak at first, but she’s fine. It was like I said, a couple of square meals and she was right as rain.”
Why can’t I remember?
“I don’t… I remember going through, but nothing after.”
I sip some more of the water, feel as it rips at the back of my throat, like gasoline, but still better, better than the rawness.
“Well I’m sure they’ll fill you in, you want me to go get them… let them know you’re awake?”
“No, not yet… I just, can I rest a bit more? Please?”
“Hey… you can do whatever you want to do, didn’t you hear me? You’re the hero round here now, you get hero privileges.”
“I missed you Cor.”
“Save it you old hound dog, I know who you’ve been missing.”
Her smile is so fucking radiant, and she is so fucking wrong. I have missed her, I missed all of them. It was so lonely, so empty. I think… I think I remember them here… I remember feeling alone… all so confusing.
“Can you, will you… when B wakes up?”
“Sure thing, you just rest okay? I’ll stay here.”
Closing my eyes. The sound of silence.
I feel her all around me, the softness, the comfort, and I don’t open my eyes. I just breathe it in, let it fill me, complete me… the smell, so much sweeter than burning flesh.
And burning flesh? There was burning flesh?
That makes me shake my eyes awake. A memory. A feeling. Fear.
“B..? Are you awake?”
My voice sounding surer, fuelled by the gasoline.
“Buffy..?”
“Hmmm? You what?”
And my mouth feels so tight as I pull on a smile. Her confusion sounding so wonderful, everything sounding so wonderful.
“Hey… sleepyhead.”
“Faith? Faith!”
And fuck that sounds loud!
“Shush, please… I’m right here.”
“Oh god Faith… oh my god…”
My ribs aching as she crushes herself against me, gasping for air, feeling the suffocation.
“Hey, fuck, ease off.”
“Right, I’m sorry, I… uh… are you, okay?”
Her face as wounded as I feel as she pulls herself away from me. Body broken, eyes shining, tears falling. And I wanna reach out, want my arms to lift my hands, want to wipe the pain away. But they won’t lift, not yet… everything in my body screaming out in the pain.
“Yeah, cool… just my ribs B, fuck… my whole fucking body.”
“I can get someone? I should get someone… I’ll get the witches, they’ll know what to do, maybe some of the balm… do you want the balm?”
“Balm?”
“Or pills? We have pills, Advil, something stronger?”
“Pills?”
What the fuck is she talking about?
“For the pain, right? You’re hurting?”
“No, yes… I don’t know… I just…”
“What Faith… what do you want?”
And I try and fight the feeling of the haze, the ache that rushes through my system, the longer that I try to hold my eyes open. The burning, that smell again… all of it rising up to beat me back. To beat me down. And I fight it for all that I am worth, the last feeling of strength, just to look. Just to see.
“Buffy?”
“Yes?”
“Please… just a kiss… please?”
As if my whole world depends upon it, as if my salvation is balancing upon it. A kiss better, a kiss to ward off the bad times, the dark times. To keep it all at bay.
“A kiss?”
My head hurting on the nod. No more words. No more strength. I don’t need anymore strength, I have her. I have Buffy. I feel the sting as my eyes take a final look. A sight to hang on to, a sight to hang on for.
Her smile. I lived for that smile. For those eyes. For her love.
The weight shifts slowly across the bed, the pain in my back making me hiss as she hovers above me, her tears falling fast to mark at my skin. And I do close my eyes, close my eyes as her lips touch mine. As I feel like coming home.
Chapter 31
POV Buffy
I lost her for seven days and I have had her back for three. That means that by my calculations, I have at least another four days of grinning like an absolute idiot, until I have to rejoin the world of the normal again. Not that I’m overly keen on rejoining the normal world, a world which to me means fighting, and slaying, and taking not too pleasant trips into terrifying hell dimensions. No. I like this world much better. The one where I can play at being nurse to Faith, and where my only real worry is whether or not she is getting as strong again as she truly should be. And she is. Slowly, but definitely surely, she is regaining everything about herself that has always made her just so… Faith.
Her eyes gradually clearing from the hell enforced haze, her body fighting off the sick slime of evil which had permeated her being since our crazy little jaunt across to the other side. The really dark and nasty side. I’ve held the bucket for her a thousand times since she rejoined the world of the living, trying to soothe her with soft words as she vomited forth more and more of the tendrils that I had witnessed first hand invading her body. Never complaining, just throwing me apologetic looks as another conversation would be ended by the chokes and the coughs that meant more of the sickness was on it’s way.
As if she has to apologise to me. I want to be here for her, I NEED to be here for her. I tell her it often enough, in amongst the words of love and of missed you, I tell her over and over how much I need to be with her. Finding myself mumbling and jumbling all of the words which say sorry for every time I haven’t been there for her. Making her shake her head, making her smile. Making her call me silly. And I don’t care what she calls me, she is here… and for that I won’t ever stop grinning like the idiot.
When she had awoken and asked me to just kiss her, I had felt so much go through me. Like an ache in every single part of my being, maybe in my soul? I don’t know… but it just felt so real, so tangible, so much like everything I would ever need was buried in the soft feel of her lips. Not mattering that they were parched and cracked from all of the hours that she had lain ‘sleeping’, just mattering that all she needed, all that she really wanted, was to place those lips against mine. Like a kiss better, like everything really was going to be okay.
And I hadn’t been sure of it, as much as I shouted it at Dawn, at Giles, at anyone who I made to stand and listen, I hadn’t been sure of it. Hours and hours of forcing my eyes to stay open, because a part of me believed that any second that I looked at her could maybe be my last. And I couldn’t bear that thought, I knew that it would never be enough. So I sat, and I watched, and I counted the hours. Just one more, please god, just one more.
Time is precious, and now time is all that I really want. Time with her. It’s more than precious. To me it has become everything.
“B… what ya thinking?”
And I won’t infect her fresh growing smile with my thoughts all morbid, and of what could have been lost.
“I was thinking about how pretty your eyes look with the sun shining on them.”
Making that smile grow more, the dimples out in full force as she tries to cover a blush with a full wattage grin.
“Are you getting all mushy in your old age B? Cos you know you need to watch that, the onset of senility.”
“You don’t like me being mushy?”
“I didn’t say that, I just… you know, it’s new.”
“Well I’m making up for lost time, all the times I should’ve told you that your eyes are pretty.”
“Just my eyes?”
And wouldn’t you know that her eyebrows were the first things to gain back all of that super sized strength that she had lost. Straight back to the lifting and the wiggling and all of the secret hidden promises that captivate my mind whenever she makes them dance across her face.
“No Faith, not just your eyes.”
I pull myself away from the warmth of the sun to check that her body is covered by the warmth of the blanket. Giles letting me bring her out into the garden, only when I had promised that I would make sure that she was kept as snug as a bug. The worry on his face not moving, no matter how much I protested that she really is getting so much better, no matter how much she protested that she feels a thousand times better. I figure that he likes to worry, that maybe a little part of him is still feeling the harshness of their last fraught exchange before we had stepped our way into hell.
“If you tuck me in any tighter B, I’m not gonna be able to breathe.”
“Huh? Oh, sorry… just following orders.”
“You always follow orders?”
“Depends on who’s issuing them.”
My hand makes it’s way to stroke a slow path across her head, just moving the soft flow of hair away from those eyes, tucking it up behind her ears.
“I could issue a few orders B…”
Letting my fingers trace the eyebrows that just won’t stop moving.
“I’m sure you could, WHEN you’re feeling better.”
“I am feeling better!”
“Not better enough.”
Her hand comes up to catch my own, gripping me tightly, proving her strength, showing me just how much better she really is. Pulling me ever so slowly down until my face is close to hers. Till the breath of her words breezes softly across my lips.
“I’m better enough for a kiss B, can I order you to give me a kiss?”
“I like that order.”
Not needing her to pull me that last inch to touch. To feel more than her warm breath against my lips as I lose myself in that sweetest of feelings. The ache rising up again, letting me know how much more I want from her, how much I have to wait, how much she has to wait. Breaking slowly away as I feel her moans vibrate right through me.
“That was nice.”
“More?”
“It’s kinda dangerous Faith, I wouldn’t want Giles to walk out and find me ravishing you right here in the garden. Not only would he have a heart attack just from the sight alone, but you know he’d have another one because I was being all careless… not looking after you properly.”
“Since when has Giles been a doctor?”
Her mouth pushing out into a pout. Making it so hard not to give into the more.
“He just wants the best for you. ‘I’ want the best for you, and that means no ravishing till you’re back to full health.”
“But I feel better!”
“You feel horny!”
“It’s the same difference where I come from B, if the blood’s flowing south, then it means the blood is flowing, and I’m ALL about the blood flowing south.”
“Sweet baby, really… but this is California, and out here on the west coast, you’re not better until you can do at least ten press ups without collapsing into a heap.”
And I’m not mocking her feeble state, really I‘m not, but if she’d had her own way we would’ve been rolling around in the bed sheets the second she’d come back round again. All words of hungry and horny, and making up for lost time.
“I did nine this morning, so I guess that means one more and I’m in?”
“‘And you’re in’? You big ol’ romantic.”
“I just wanna know where I stand B, it’s like hell again, spending all this time with you and not even being allowed a little look see, I mean… I like the kisses, kisses are great… but I’ve had a pretty harsh ordeal and I need a proper welcome back.”
I try and ignore the sneaky fingers which are working their way down across my thigh, teasing skin through the chiffon of my skirt, trying to keep her touch as soft and as light as the breeze. And I just keep my gaze firm in her eyes, let her think she’s getting away with something, placate her mind just a little from demanding that what she isn’t ready to receive. Believe me, if I thought she was ready then I would so be rolling around in the bed sheets by now. Or the garden, or anywhere else that took her fancy.
“You’ll get your welcome back, let’s just make sure that you are back first, okay?”
“Spoilsport.”
She turns her head away from me as if she really is pissed that I won’t give in, but she doesn’t move her hand, still tracing those barely there patterns against the screaming flesh of my thigh.
God I want her.
“Faith?”
And she closes her eyes. Keeps her face turned away and closes her eyes.
“Baby..?”
Knowing that it makes her smile when I call her that. She had told me how no one ever really called her ‘baby’ before, how no one ever really cared that much about her to call her names like ‘baby’. She’s told me lots of things these last three days. Now she isn’t telling me anything. Pretending that she can be asleep when her hand is still playing at awake.
I let my fingers join hers on the soft feel of skirt, interlacing them until I can bring her hand up to my lips, offering her the slightest of kisses to get back her attention. “You know how much I love you Faith, how much I want you… but patience okay? As soon as you have the strength back, I’ll ravish you all night long, possibly a day and a night, maybe two nights…”
“Promise?”
“Ah, there she is…” Smiling as her head turns back to me. “…yes Faith, I promise.”
I set our hands back down on my leg, still joined together, just loving the feel of her skin on my skin, of being close to her again. Almost tutting out my annoyance as the backdoor to the house opens up, as our easy peace is shattered by the arrival of another.
“Hey guys, what ya up to?”
“Nothing Dawn, just sitting, quietly… really quietly.”
“You want me to go away?”
I can’t miss the hurt in her tone and I have to check myself quick. “Hey, no way! Pull up a chair… just do it quietly.”
Hoping that my wink will repair some of the damage. I really have to watch myself with Dawn, I’ve been so selfish, so harsh… I just couldn’t help it. But now I can help it, and it has to stop.
“So kiddo, how was the day?”
“Oh god Faith, SO dull… like what are the chances that I’m EVER going to need to know that the capital city of Venezuela is a place called Carcass?”
“No way? Like a dead body? That’s kinda cool…”
I tune out as I watch Giles making his way over to join us, his face distorting as he listens to the really exciting conversation about capital cities.
“I think you’ll find that it’s actually Caracas, and it is ALWAYS helpful to know your capital cities Dawn.”
“Oh wow! Your voice is just as boring as my geography teacher’s! I know you’re speaking, but still my mind only hears the Carcass…”
“Caracas.”
“Carcass.”
“Cara… oh for god’s sake! I came out here to check on Faith, I refuse to be drawn into the banality of a ridiculous teenage conversation.”
I smile at Dawn, I appreciate the fun times, and she does have a point; his voice CAN sound about as exciting and thrilling as a high school geography teacher’s. I think maybe it’s his Britishness, all that time spent in libraries. I take the time to check at my watch, decide to leave Dawn to it whilst I go and make us all some dinner. Like some toast. Or cereal. I’m good with the cereal.
“Guys, I’m making dinner… what does everyone fancy?”
I cross my fingers for Captain Crunch, catch the shifty look that’s shared between the three.
“I vote for pizza!”
“Good call kid, I’m with Dawn.”
“You don’t think I can cook?”
“It’s a fact B. You may be highly skilled in other areas, but the kitchen just isn’t one of them.”
“Giles?”
“I’m afraid I have to agree with them Buffy, I may not think that pizza is the chosen food of champions, but we’ve only just gotten Faith back, it’d be a terrible shame to lose her again so quickly…”
“Not funny.”
I try and show dismay at the rather unfair disregard for my cooking, but it’s hard when all of them are busting their guts to stop from laughing.
“Fine! But it’s coming out of your allowance Dawn… not so funny now right?”
“If I got an allowance it wouldn’t be.”
“Well consider this forewarning that when you do get an allowance, the pizza will be paid for!”
“Well can we get anchovies and pineapple then… as I’m paying?”
“That’s wicked gross… I want meat feast supreme, double supreme.”
I can only shake my head and wonder if I have enough money to pay for any kind of supreme.
“I think we can afford a small cheese and tomato… possibly one anchovy.”
“I’ll cover the cost of the pizza Buffy. Dawn, if you wouldn’t mind doing the ordering?”
“Oh I love the ordering! I’m gonna get the anchovy, and the Caracas supreme for Faith… what do you want Buffy?”
But I’m still smiling at her cleverness. She’ll make a good little pun girl yet.
“B..?”
“Oh right… uh, I’ll get the meat feast too. Double supreme.”
And just the thought of hot food is enough to get my mouth watering. Playing nurse to Faith is fantastic, but it’s not always so easy to remember to look after myself. I don’t think I ate anything the whole of last week, and even now my own needs are squashed somewhere below making sure that she has everything that SHE needs, and that the rest of my extended family are getting firmly back to their feet. I settle myself down as I watch Giles turn to leave with Dawn, only just remembering that he’d had a purpose to coming out here in the first place.
“Giles… I thought you wanted to check up on Faith?”
“Well I’d say it’s quite obvious that she’s doing rather superbly Buffy, and I’m sure that I can trust in you to make certain that she has anything else that she needs.”
I smile slightly as he carries on his way to the kitchen. Just waiting for her words. Knowing that they are coming.
“You hear that B?”
And here we go…
“What’s that Faith?”
“What Giles said, that I’m doing superbly, and you have to give me anything that I need.”
I watch as her lips curve up into an almost illegal look of lust, feel as it slides the whole way through my body. The hairs raising on my neck, my breath catching in my throat.
“I don’t think he meant it like that.”
“But he said what I need… I know what I need.”
“You know what you want, there’s a definite difference.”
Trying to make my eyes pull away, because she isn’t strong enough yet, she does still need to rest, to get better. It doesn’t matter that all I can do at night is to lay next to her gorgeous body and pray for the time when I can lose myself inside of her again, can feel the absolute security in the surety of her touch. No. I have to think about what is best for her. I have to think about how much strength her body lost in the fight against evil, not what I want her body to give to me in goodness.
“It’s all the same to me B, want, need… you.”
“Stop it.”
Her hand finding the top of my skirt again, teasing fingers inside of the waistband to bring my skin to life. Making me bite hard on my lip to prevent me from crying out in crazed wild abandon everything that ‘I’ want. That ‘I’ need.
“Stop it? You really mean that?”
Deep breaths.
“Faith… please?”
Her head sliding from side to side as she grazes a touch across my navel, exposed to the dipping sunshine, exposed to her. “Not gonna.”
Eyebrows assuring me that stopping is the furthest thing from her mind. That not stopping is the only thing ‘on’ her mind.
“Hey guys!”
The sudden sound of Willow making her jump as if shocked. Making me jump as if shocked.
“Wills, hey, how was college?” Breathing deeply now to try and grab at oxygen.
“Same old same old, we pretty much just have to make up all of the stuff we missed out on when Tara was… you know? Not here. Nothing too exciting, nothing as exciting as sitting in the sunshine all day.”
She drops her bag down beside us, and crosses her legs to sit. Faith not even looking at her as she instead pouts her way into feigning at sleep again.
“It is pretty exciting just sitting. My kind of exciting.”
“Yeah, I caught that, all hands up tops. And you can quit with the pretend sleep Faith. I saw all of your smooth moves on my way out here.”
It makes her turn her head back, give a grin which is close to devilish. “If you saw them Red, then why didn’t you stay inside? It’s like everyone wants to conspire to stop me from getting some…”
“Aw, is Buff not putting out?”
“Buff is right here, and no, she isn’t… she’s being responsible and trying to let her girlfriend recover from her hell time ordeal.”
“Well that sounds like fun… or not! You know Faith, I helped Tara recover from the hell time thing with all sorts of tender loving care, I think you need to lodge a complaint.”
“You think it would work?”
And I let them have their fun, let them talk around me as if I am not here. They both seem to forget though that Tara was never really touched by the evil, that Tara got to chill out in hell without baring even a single lasting scratch to remind her of the time, kinda the complete opposite of Faith’s five minutes in the underworld. The five minutes where she held onto the evil even whilst it sucked at her soul, the five minutes where the tendrils of doom slid inside of her body and stopped her heart from beating… uh-huh. We’ll just forget all about that and get right on with the sexy stuff.
“What do ya say B?”
“What do I say?”
“Red seems to think that we should be fine if I just lay back, and you do all the ‘hard work’… what d’ya think, good plan?”
“I think that ‘Red’, should go back inside and take care of her own girlfriend’s sex needs, leave mine to me!”
Just a little undercurrent of a growl. The tiniest marking of territory.
“Oooh someone’s a little touchy.”
“She sure is Red, looks like I’m not the only one that’s needing their cork popped.”
And can I scream? Except of course that would only give them more ammunition, still not letting me forget the one night where I dared to be a little vocal because I was having the best sex ever of my life. I can’t win. I really can’t win. I take a look at their little exchange of smirks and I feel it all boiling up inside. Boiling over.
“Fine! Let’s do it then Faith!” Surprising them both as I jump to my feet and start to unwrap my skirt. “We’ll forget the fact that you actually died last week, that you spent seven days in some god damn mystical coma whilst I was sat here wondering if you might just die again… forget that every time I close my eyes all I can see is that messed up evil leech sucking at your soul again, cos hey… you wanna get laid right, and THAT has to be the single most important thing on the planet right now, so come on… let’s do it!”
And they’re both sitting there open mouthed, whilst I just stand here with my panties on show, wondering that I shouldn’t have maybe thought that little moment through before I’d begun to spit it all out. Meekly trying to recover just a little bit of dignity with the rewrapping of the chiffon.
“Okay, well… I’m just gonna go and see Tara, erm… I heard mention of ordering pizza. Uh-huh… just gonna go back inside and forget this ever happened…”
“Wills…”
“No Buffy, it’s fine… crazy outbursts are of the good.”
Seeing the funny little face she pulls at Faith as she makes her way back to the house.
“You really wanna get straight down to it here B, right here?”
“NO!”
“Hey calm down, just playing…”
I stamp down another outburst by pacing the grass for a minute. Not looking her in the face, not looking at her at all. I just… god, does she not get it?
“Faith… I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry that I won’t just get with the giving, but… argh!”
“Huh?”
“I saw what happened to you! Every time I close my eyes I see what happened to you, and I can’t forget that… I can’t risk hurting you just because your hormones are being all demandy… do you understand?”
And her face loses the easy smile that she has found again in the last three days, her eyes losing all of the shine that makes her mine. Instead laying her head down with a slight wince of pain, her voice taking back the hoarseness that her broken body demands.
“Of course I understand B, Jesus… what do you think I see when I close my eyes huh? You think it’s all picnics and flowers?”
“I don’t know Faith… you won’t talk to me about it, you won’t tell me…”
“Maybe because it hurts too much.”
I close the distance that I have stupidly put between us, drop back down to sit beside her and let my fingers find her hand to hold her steady.
“You won’t even let me tell you what you did.”
“I don’t need to hear it B, I know what I saw, what I felt…”
“What about what I saw? You have to hear it some time.”
And she does. She just won’t listen though. She’d opened up so much these last few days, filling in blanks I never knew about pre Sunnydale Faith… but nothing about inside the portal. Not wanting to hear how she had cleared the way for me to Tara, how her hands had wrapped so tight around the oozing tendrils of evil, as if demanding that they feed upon her, that they stay away from me… throwing herself into the thick of the beast to give me the time to free our friend. She won’t hear a word of it.
“I know what you saw, you saw me get feasted upon, all that evil inside of me B, must’ve made quite a show.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about!” Her eyes staining with tears as her head turns fully to face me. My hand almost wanting to pull away from the force that she holds me with. “It fucking sucked me dry B, god, if it wasn’t for you I’d still be in there, hanging out with all the other evil fuckers in the world…”
“No…”
“Yes! I felt it Buffy, I fucking felt it… inside of me, all around me. Showing me every bad as fuck thing I have ever done…”
“But it didn’t get you, you got it.”
And she clenches tighter, my knuckles straining to break free from her grasp.
“Stop talking crap! I fell as soon as we went through, I didn’t even see Tara… I didn’t even see you. I fucked up again.”
“No Faith, that isn’t what happened.”
But her head shakes like every other time I have tried to make sense to her. The same as when anyone tries to talk to her. She just refuses to believe that she was anything other than bad. Nothing close to good enough.
“Why won’t you believe me? Do you think I would lie to you?”
“I think you’d do anything to make me feel better…”
“I wouldn’t lie to you Faith, I promise. I swear I wouldn’t lie.”
Her sigh sounding so empty as she lets her eyes slide closed. Her grip lightening on my hand the longer that she takes the short measured breaths, her chest calming into a steady rhythm until I know that she really is sleeping. Exhausting herself with everything that is inside of her head. All of the things that she won’t tell me, all of the things that she believes are the truth.
And I don’t move. I won’t move. I stay by her side, stroking her brow, pulling the blanket up to wrap tighter around her as the sun begins to set. As darkness comes.
“Buffy?”
“Oh hey Tara, how are you feeling?”
Keeping my voice so soft not to wake Faith, to just let her rest.
“I’m good, much better.” Giving me a radiant smile which splits the darkness, more than enough to prove it. “There’s pizza inside, are you coming in?”
“No, I’m gonna let Faith sleep for a bit longer, the fresh air is probably good for her.”
“You want me to save some?”
“I guess so, whatever.”
I try and stave off the tears which want to find my eyes as she shows me so much concern within her gaze. As she comes over to my place and takes the seat beside me.
“Hey sweetie, how are ‘you’ feeling?”
“Do you want the truth, or do you want the party line?”
“We’ll start with the truth, I’m a big believer in the truth?”
But I don’t know if it’s feels right to speak the truth to anyone other than Faith. Wanting her ears to be the only ears that take my confessions. But this is Tara, and Tara always knows the right things to say to make it feel a little bit better, a little bit bearable.
“I’m just finding it all so hard, it’s great having her back, god… it is so much better than great, the greatest even…” I take a second to caress her again, to let her know that even in her sleep, I am still here. “…but it’s all so damn hard. She won’t listen to me Tara, all she hears is what she wants to hear, and I just don’t know how to get through to her.”
“What do you mean? She won’t hear what?”
“All of the portal stuff, she just won’t believe what she did… she won’t believe that she didn’t screw up, that she isn’t just a screw up. And you know as much as I do, that she totally didn’t screw up.”
“Of course she didn’t screw up, why would she think that?”
“I guess the fact that she got filled full of the badness, maybe the seven day coma thing… who knows, but she won’t believe me. She won’t even let me talk about it.”
“Do you want me to talk to her?”
I don’t really. I want nothing more than for Faith to hear me. But that’s selfish, and I know that. So I nod my head. I offer thanks to Tara, and I accept that it won’t be me who makes Faith believe in Faith.
“She really is kind of special isn’t she Buffy?”
“You’re asking me?”
“It was rhetorical, I assume that you already know how special she is.”
Little innocent eyebrows waggling.
“Yeah, she’s all sorts of special. I just wish that she could see it.”
“She’s had some tough times, but she’ll get there. If you keep telling her, if we all keep telling her, then she’ll get there.”
“I hope so.”
Glancing back down as she stirs in her sleep, her eyes fighting to open, her mouth twitching to smile.
“Hey baby.”
“Hey B… what time is it?”
“It’s not late, you just drifted off for a bit. You wanna go in? There’s pizza…”
“In a minute yeah?”
Her head slipping to the side as if she is considering something. Eyes reaching far inside of me in the way that only she can do. Laying me bare. Laying me open.
“I’m gonna go in, give you guys a moment.”
“Thanks Tara, and hi Tara.”
“No problem Faith, I’ll save you some food, and hi to you too.”
Watching the exchange of easy smiles as she turns away. Wishing that my smiles were that easy.
“You not hungry?”
“Of course I’m hungry B.”
“Then why with the staying out here?”
“I just… I’ve been thinking.”
“Uh-oh… should I be worried?”
“Buffy.”
And I catch the ominous sound to her tone, the heavy way it sits between us.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, it’s just like I said, I’ve been thinking.”
Whilst she was sleeping?
“And what was ya thinking about?”
“This and that. Hell. You know, the norm.”
“Okay… and what did you decide?”
“Other than that hell is really not so nice, well… fuck… I just, look… if things really did go down the way you say they did, and I’m not saying that I’m convinced, but if they did… then I guess I wanna hear about it, right?”
And I feel my brow furrowing, my eyes narrowing on her innocent look. “You weren’t sleeping, were you?”
“I was.”
“Faith?”
“Okay, so I started off sleeping, but I kinda came round with the Tara and the mention of the pizza, funny thing that, me and the food.”
“More like you and the hot girl!”
“You think Tara’s hot?”
Oh god. I so didn’t mean that, but…
“Well, she is hot, right?”
“She’s a honey, nothing on you though B.”
And that does make my smile come easy. My own eyebrows dancing as I try my best to look something like hot. “Thanks.”
“Not a problem… now as I was saying…”
“You were saying?”
“The hell shit, if it is like you said… well, I wanna talk about it. Maybe Tara as well, if she saw what you saw.”
“She saw the same as me, she saw what you did… you were kinda heroic, you have to know that?”
And her head just shakes in confusion, real confusion, not pretending because she doesn’t want to believe, but truly not knowing what she should believe.
“I dunno, it’s just… it’s all so different than I remember. I just remember falling, I remember the bad shit getting me… and then I remember you. That’s about it.”
“Maybe we should talk to Giles and Angel too, get all the heads together, try and figure out what the heck went on.”
I laugh as her tummy rumbles out a louder request than my ‘putting our heads together’ idea.
“Sure thing B, just food first okay?”
“Definitely okay!”
“And then I dunno, maybe a little desert? A little bit of pie for afters?”
“I don’t think we have any pie, I can check the fridge, pop out and get one?”
More confusion as her tongue trips out to slide at lips, as her eyes do that devilish thing again. “Not that kinda pie B, I was thinking more, ya know… your kinda pie?”
“Do you ever give up?”
“I’ll give up when you do.”
And I want to. Showing her just how much I want to as my mouth comes closer to hers, as my own tongue slips out to slide around her lips, kissing as deeply and as urgently as I have dared to since she had woken up to me three days ago. Letting loose just a little of the passion which is firing so steadily through my veins for her.
“Now THAT is more like it. I swear B, you keep kissing me like that and I’ll be back on my feet in no time.”
“I keep kissing you like that and we’ll never get you off of your back. Now come on, lets get that pizza that your tummy keeps demanding.”
“And then the pie?”
I just laugh as I help her up. As I take a little of her weight to steady her on the way to the door. She is after all, still a little weak. The sickness may have been not so obvious today, but her body is still feeling the affect of everything that the Geraldo style leech did to her. And it makes me smile to think of what she did to it. Makes me smile more with the knowledge that she is finally going to let me tell her.
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