I have nearly all of them. I know their names now. What Faith said that time, it stuck. So I learnt. And now I know exactly who is out. And exactly who is in.
I had the able bodies helping the injured, and everything was going great. Like a conveyer belt. But now it's stopped. And I'm two short.
Rona and Kennedy. Kennedy and Rona.
It's gotta be a joke, right? A very unfunny one.
This whole fucking place is gonna come down in a minute, and I'm stuck playing `hunt the slayer'. Fun. A real laugh riot. I swear if I get stuck in hell, because of `that' girl... I'm gonna... kick her ass?
"KENNEDYYYYYY!"
I doubt they will hear me over the falling rocks, and general building debris.
Another school bites the dust.
I must have the record by now. Surely.
"KENNEDDDDYYYYYYYYYY!"
I'm gonna have laryngitis. Forever.
And then I hear it. Someone's calling my name. Must need saving.
She's trapped under a boulder. A big boulder. Rona's trying to shift it, but it won't budge.
God damn it, it's big. In fact... how about if I settle on `fucking huge'?
I put all my weight behind it, but it won't shift. It's stuck hard, and I can't get a purchase on it. I scream in frustration. It doesn't help.
And now we have a problem.
Because this place is gonna go. Any minute, maybe sooner. And I will not leave Kennedy here. Some part of me might think about it fleetingly, and it might even raise a smile... but it's not happening. I will not leave her here. End of. But I've gotta get Rona out. Now.
"Rona... listen to me!... we cant move this, we need help... you've gotta get help!"
She looks unsure.
"But... there's no time, I'm not leaving without her."
Oh yes you are. Only one hero needed here kiddo, and today isn't your day.
"There's time. Now get the fuck out! Get Faith... get anyone... just GET THE FUCK OUT!"
And there goes the throat again. I don't think it's gonna matter.
She's listening now. Get Faith. She has a mission.
And she's off, and I'm left wondering `what the fuck do `I' do now?', cos plans... I'm all out.
"Kennedy?"
"Uh-huh?"
Good. She's still conscious.
"Got any plans?"
"Get me the fuck out of here?"
I can see why Faith likes her.
"Anything better?"
"Don't let me die?"
She says that so softly. Like I can really control that? She must think more of me, then I realised.
"Sounds like a plan."
But as I look around me, I see nothing. Nothing except a collapsing building, and a lifetimes membership to hell.
And I so wanted `lunch'.
Faith's Pov
The whole fucking building is coming down.
And where the fuck is B?
The potentials... the slayers, uh... most of them... they're out. But no Buffy. No Kennedy. And no Rona.
So where the fuck are they?
I am going in. I will beat to death anyone that stands in my way. Because I `am' going in.
"Giles...? I'm going back... I've gotta get B!"
"Faith, you can't! The whole building is going to go. She will get out. She has to get out. But I will not have you going back in there."
"You gonna stop me?"
Not looking so sure now, G-man... looks like we know who wears the trousers in this relationship.
"Well no, I hope that won't be..."
His words are cut off by a major fucked up explosion. It sounds like hell itself just blew up.
I look back and I can't see shit. Just fucking dust, everywhere. A whole fucking giant sized cloud of dust.
And where the fuck is B?
"BUFFYYYYY!"
I know I screamed her name, but I couldn't hear it. My ears are ringing, fucked from the explosion. Where the fuck is she?
And then out of the dust, someone's walking. And it has to be her. I can feel something, my slayer sense tingles, but it doesn't feel like her.
It isn't her.
It's Rona. And she's alone. And I'm shouting at her, but she can't hear. We can't hear. And where the fuck is Buffy, because `this' isn't real, `this' is not happening. It cant be happening!
She's mouthing Kennedy's name.
And it hits. This isn't only Buffy. It's Kennedy as well. And I cant take this.
Rona's crying. I will not fucking cry. I will sift every fucking last piece of fucked up piece of shit building left, until I find them. And when I find them, Red can work some of that fucking mojo shit. Because I will not lose her. I will not lose them.
I can not lose her!
Pov None.
They barely moved for what seemed an age. Just staring. Looking at the dust that would not settle to reveal ruins. To reveal anything. The cloak shielding them from what was left. What remained.
Dawn was freaking. She had lost her sister again. Tara was holding her, holding Willow, but there was no comfort. This couldn't be happening again. She couldn't be gone.
Faith was not freaking. Not visibly. She was held rigid, as if the power had her once more, muscles frozen. Waiting for a call. Searching for a feeling.
The minutes proceeding...
Buffy's Pov
Plan, plan, plan, plan. Just one little plan.
And I am a dope. A big fucking, stupid sized, dope.
What do I have in my hands... oh wait... no, can it be... why, yes... ding, ding, ding... ring the bell, the girl wants a prize. I have a super sized, super charged, super powerful...uh, damn it, just `damn super' weapon. Or a tool. A tool that could surely break a little stone like this one.
"Kennedy...?"
"Yeah?"
Still alive. Whoopee!
"I have a plan."
I love saying that!
"What?"
She looks sceptical... maybe she 'doesn't' think all that much of me, or my plans.
"I'm gonna split this rock... with the scythe. And uh... I'm gonna try really, `really' hard, not to split `you', ok?"
Now she looks at me like I'm crazy.
"Aim nice."
I'll try.
"No probs... just uh... close your eyes?"
"Buffy?"
"Joke... haha."
"Just do it!"
So I do.
I raise above my head my trusted scythe and shout... `BY THE POWER OF...' No wait. That's He-Man... I'm so not the muscle man type... what's `Shera' say? Xander would so know that... I'm so gonna ask him.
"Buffy?"
Oh yeah. Rock.
I do raise the scythe above my head. And that's when I notice it. My hands are glowing.
Why did no one tell me my hands glowed? It's kinda freaky.
And now I can't move. Hello...? Paralysed. Again. Not liking.
The power that rushes through my body is even more then earlier. I can't fight it. It surges through me, claims me, takes me.
It moves my arms, slicing them through the air, bringing the scythe down with them. Slicing through the boulder as if it was butter. Melted butter.
And then the light is back. And I can hear an explosion.
So big. So loud.
I would say I was being thrown through the air, but I'm surrounded by this darn light and I can't see shit. Giles will be disappointed... I'm guessing I'm gonna have to be detailing this one for him. Lots.
Faith's just gonna be jealous. Ha!
And then I land, and it isn't so funny. I ache like nothing before. Huge ouching. But I am alive, and a few moments ago... I was giving up on that... so YAY! Alive, I'm alive!
Kennedy looks like shit. What did Faith see in her?
"Kennedy?"
"I'm dead."
She's a zombie then. Should I beat her up?
"Really dead...?"
"Hurts like it."
"I never split you."
"I never thought you could, princess."
Huh? What does she mean by that?
"Can you walk?"
"Doubtful."
"Hmmm... can ya shut up? Cos if you don't talk... I think I could carry you."
"My hero."
"You better know it."
"I do."
And she sounds sincere in there somewhere. So I'll carry her. I don't know where, mind. The whole freakin place is covered with dust.
A lot of dust. I wonder what's building, and what's vamp dust? It all makes me want to hold my breath.
So I pick her up and I start to walk. And she's quiet. And that's good.
I `so' would hate to have to drop her.
Again.
Faith's Pov
I'm concentrating so hard. Because this can not be over.
Dawn is going crazy back there, the witches are with her though, isn't nothing I can do. I don't believe she's gone. I wont believe she is gone.
So I'm feeling for her. And so what if all these fresh new slayers are screwing with my senses. If it comes to it, I'll kill them all to feel her. And I'll do it. Cos I have to feel her.
"Faith...?"
Wow. I can hear again.
"What is it G?"
"We should think about moving, we need to get away from here, need to see to the girls."
"You see to the girls. I'm not moving. `My' girl, she isn't back yet, and I `know' you don't think I'm moving till then!"
"Faith... she can't have made that. Everything's gone. We have to get the girls away. Now. Buffy would want..."
"DON'T! Do not tell me what she would want, she will fucking tell you what she wants when she gets here. Ok?"
Don't say anything else G. Do not say it. Because I will snap. You don't want me to snap.
"Ok...I will get the girls seen to. You uh... you do what ever you need to."
If I had the energy, I would floor him for that. `Whatever I need to do'? Fuck off.
I watch them walk away.
Winners but losers. They all think they've lost. I won't let it be.
I am not moving, until she is here. Not moving. And even though the dust is hurting my eyes, I am not going to close them. Cos I am looking for her.
Buffy's Pov
She feels like a dead weight. Would be easier if she was... I could ditch her!
I'm amusing myself, to keep myself going. Cos I feel `fucked'... in a totally different way to how I wanted to feel `fucked' today... but stil, wow, exhausted.
I feel like I've walked miles. But it can't be. I've walked forever. Probably made it five yards. Impressive slayer gal.
I still can't see shit. I think I must be getting close to somewhere. From what I figure, we got thrown out in completely the opposite direction, to what would have been handy. What would've been at the feet of people who could carry this `thing' for me. Not that she's a thing. Really. She's just heavy. And I'm tired.
I would rest, if I didn't feel like I was getting somewhere. But I must be. It feels like I've been walking for hours. Or five yards. Who knows. Could stumble back into hell any minute, it's not like I can see where I'm going.
And that's when I know.
For real.
I really `really' know that I am not dead, forced to carry this huge flailing weight with me for all time. Backwards and forwards the odd five yards. Cos I was wondering.
But I can feel her. And she feels good. She feels fucking fantastic.
And I run, kind of, best I can, what with the weight. Not that I'm bitter. I like carrying Kennedy around. It's my hot new accessory. And all the 'cool' girls must have accessories!
Faith's Pov
I FUCKING KNEW IT!
You can not tell me I didn't know it. I `soooo' knew it. `Faith the all knowing' I am an oracle. A `fucking hot' oracle.
I feel it all over. Like I've been dead, and now I'm living again. I am buzzing. Wonder if vamps feel like this when they rise...? Feels good. Interesting. Must ask G.
I really don't see her till she's in my face. It's the dust. Too much dust.
"Buffy...? B?"
"Faith...?"
"Who else ya expecting?"
"Not doing smart now Faith, ok... just uh..."
And I can see her struggling. And, damn! If she isn't carrying Kennedy. Never would've believed it. Them two all snuggly. Definitely a `hallmark' moment.
"You want a hand, B?"
"Well noticed, where have you been...? I could've used a hand a long while back?"
"I'm here now."
And she's smiling, through the dust, and I lean over... and right in that instant when I take Kennedy from her arms, I take a kiss from her lips.
"You scared me B... didn't like it."
"Scared me too. I wont be looking for a re-run."
"How'd you get out?"
"Long story."
And things feel kind of awkward. Even with the kiss. All I want to do is take her in my arms, and love her. But I can't, because I'm holding Kennedy. In my arms. And so it's awkward.
So much I could say. Want to say. But the moment is now. And the moment is gone.
"Faith...?"
"Ken, I'm here. I've got ya."
I look down at her, and she's kinda a mess.
"You need to get her to a hospital, Faith."
No kidding.
"What about you, B?"
"I'm good. I need to go home."
And she does, because her friends and her sister think she's dead.
Oh them of little faith. Should've listened to me.
"I'll see ya, yeah?"
Nice one Faith. Slip in some emotion why don't ya?
"Yeah Faith. I'll see ya."
And I watch her turn and walk away. Well... five feet in front `is' away. Still dusty.
I miss her already.
And I take Kennedy, and I make for the hospital.
What a truly crazy day.
And I haven't even had `lunch' yet.
Buffy's Pov
I knew I should've dropped Kennedy. Give me the time again, and that girl is sitting with her ass on the floor. Not only do I save her from certain death, but after the saving of her ass, I carry her round, probably ruining my posture in the process... and what does she do to say thank you? That's right... she ends up in the arms of the girl I love, the girl who kept me going through all this, and I end up with a lonely walk home.
I am not bitter. Much!
And now it's starting to rain. Can life get better? Please say yes.
I know Faith had to take her, she was obviously needing medical attention, but... but...
...I wanted to be in her arms.
I wanted her to hold me, and tell me everything was ok. To cradle me and take care of `my' little sore bits... maybe there would've been a kiss or two, or ten, just to make it all better. And lunch. I really wanted lunch.
But no. Nothing. Just a lonely walk home.
I'm pity festing, I know, but it's been a damn long day... or morning... and I'm tired, and sore, and my lips are cold, and what the hell was that thing with the light, and the bang, and the `oh look, I'm still alive'? Not that I'm not grateful. I like being alive. Most of the time. But what was that?
I lost the scythe too. Well technically, it lost itself... one minute it was there, the next...poof! All gone. And I was kinda getting to like it too. It was shiny, and big... and did I mention, powerful? Really powerful. But now it's gone, and I have no new toy. And it's raining, and I'm taking a lonely walk home.
I want Faith!
Too much to ask? Apparently so.
When I think of her... when I think of this morning, my whole body tightens. It's like an ache, but more then that. Almost painful in it's intensity, absolute need. And it shocks me, because I never knew. I never knew that I could feel like this.
Everything that's come before, the times I've thought I was in `love'... makes me laugh now. They were nothing... like playground romances, the foreplay to the main event. And Faith is the main event.
I should have known that this one person who could cause me so much pain, would be the one to make me feel so much love. To feel so much of everything. Life's funny like that.
The rain's starting to fall heavier now, and I'm glad I'm home. My house. Looking exactly the same as it did a few hours ago, it's just everyone inside that is different. So many slayers. I haven't even thought about what that means... maybe it could mean vacation? I think that's where you take time off, have fun... I heard about them once, a long time ago. I could use a vacation. Me and a beach, and a hot girl in a bikini. My hot girl in a bikini.
And now I'm heating up. Imagination, how I love you well.
I open the door and you would think someone had died. It's beyond morose, and I think I might just head down to the hospital, cheer up the patient, maybe carry her round the ward a few times... cos this is just too sombre.
Hello guys... we won!
And then there is shrieking and hugging and kisses and cuddles... and maybe I should've escaped whilst I had my chance. Lots of people want to hold me in their arms... but none of them are the arms I need to be held in. I return all the joy, and the smiles, and the general goodwill... but really?... really I'm counting down the time till she comes back. Cos I need her.
Willow is laying down upstairs, and that seems like the safest place to be. Dawn is pissed at me for nearly dying again, Giles wants to talk about what happened, Xander just wants to squeeze the oxygen from my lungs... and the newly turned slayers...? They all wanna kick my ass!
`Can we spar Buffy... hey Buffy, fancy training... one on one, Buffy...?'
Yeah, cos when I've just saved the world, I often run home for a nice physical workout.
I want Faith!
How long does it take to check a girl into casualty? Although I guess she might wanna stay a while, being friends and all. I should send Rona. Then Faith could come home.
I knock gently before I open Willow's door, making sure she's not sleeping, that I'm not disturbing. Thankfully she calls me in, and finally I get some peace. And these arms fit kinda nice too.
"Hey Wills... how ya feeling?"
She looks ok, maybe tired... I wanna say `stoned'... maybe she's been smoking her herbs again... Giles has warned her about the hazards of abusing magical `herbs', but our Willow, ya just can't tell her anything.
"A darn sight better now you're here... Faith was gonna have me do some fancy spell, once she had sifted the remains... and really, resurrecting you again... not keen... and all the little pieces... I was never good at jigsaws."
"Could have been messy."
"Exactly."
We fall into easy conversation about the morning's adventure. Her recounting the scary powerful magic, me recounting the scary, not so magical, but also powerful monsters. Then we discuss the whole... `oh look, I'm still alive'... scythe orientated explosion, and she has her own theories on that, regarding The First good, and me getting a break for a change. I don't know. Was I saved by divine intervention? Freaky.
She still has the amulet, which seems unfair when ya think I had to give up my scythe. But the amulets ugly, so I'm not gonna be making a fuss.
And now we're past the trauma... and we get to the bit I've been waiting for... cos if I can't have Faith right now, then talking about her is just gonna have to do.
"So Buff... this morning... looked kinda cosy on the bed, what with the pants undone... and the coffee all cold... so spill."
Cosy wouldn't have been the word I used.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you..."
"Try me."
"Ok, ok... well... I just, and she was sleeping, and she looked so good... and I just took, and I... I couldn't help myself."
I look at her sheepishly. The cookie jar feeling coming over me once more.
"Buffy Ann Summers! You wanton hussy, you... I never would've guessed... you the floozy!"
"Well she looked so good, and her pants were undone... which I hear in some cultures is a definite invitation... and I was scared by the impending doomyness of the day... and what can I say... I am a floozy!"
She gets that evil little glint in her eye, the one that makes her look so mischievous.
"So... how was it?"
"How was it?"
"Yep, details... as best friend, and fellow member of the `I love women' club, I deserve details... and diagrams... can you do diagrams?"
Diagrams?
"Uh... I don't draw so good."
"Details it is then!"
Did I say I wanted to talk about this? Foolish me.
"Hmmm... well, it was quick."
"And...?"
"Good."
"Buffy..."
"Really good?"
"Don't make me put a spell on you to talk... exhausted already... but don't think I won't!"
She wouldn't.
"Okay!... it was awesome, the best thing ever, the best feeling ever... to be inside of her like that... and to know that I was making her feel that way... it was so intense... and so right... and I want to do it again... maybe after a shower, cos I'm thinking with the dust, yuck... but I love her Wills, I don't ever want to be without her."
"It's a great feeling, huh?"
And I know she knows, because she has Tara. We share the kind of smile that we've never shared before. The one that says... `I know exactly what you're saying, what you're feeling, because I feel it to'... and I'm glad we can share that, that I have someone who understands me. It feels nice.
"So... `miss eager pants!'... what time is your honey coming home?"
"Willow!"
"What?... it's a simple question... `miss pants!'"
And she's laughing, like she just told the funniest joke in the world... and if I have to hear that name too often... I swear Faith is gonna get it. In the none nice way. Love her or not, I will not take that nickname. Nope. Not gonna happen.
"Wills... Willow, old buddy, old pal... less with the name calling, ok?... and I don't know. She called and spoke to Giles, when I was doing the long walk home, in the rain, but I don't know. I guess she's gonna hang with Kennedy for a while..."
"Why don't you call her?"
"And say what? They're friends, Will, if that was you in there, ya know I wouldn't leave your bedside."
"So you're just gonna wait for her? Why don't ya call, and just see how she is, you could even disguise it by asking how Kennedy is... if ya didn't wanna appear too eager..."
And look, she's laughing again. Can I move out of state...? Get new friends...? I hear there's plenty of slayers to cover my shifts nowadays.
"I can wait! I'm gonna take a bath. A long, hot, relaxing, bubble filled bath."
"Sounds good."
"Yep. And after that, maybe then if she's still not back... I might pace a while, leading on to strong physical violence against inanimate objects."
"Buffy's got it bad!"
And I have to agree. Anything else would just be lying.
"The baddest Will. I have it the baddest."
We talked about a few more things, strangely always managing to provide more openings for Willow to point out my eagerness. In the end, the only eagerness I was feeling, was to get out of that room.
And into the bath.
And it was heavenly. So warm and comforting. Washing all the pain away. I swear I could've stayed there for hours. All the grime being carried away, just fresh skin, all clean and sparkly.
Which reminded me, that earlier my hands were glowing. Too freaky!
As much as I could've stayed there all evening, and well into the night, the queue was ever growing, and the bangs on the door were becoming annoying. Does everybody know this is my house?
And can they all move out now? Apocalypse averted... go buy some real estate. Please.
When I get to my room, and look at the bed, and the coffee cups still full on the side, I feel it again. The ache.
The wanting.
And I'm tempted. Tempted to just throw myself down on the bed, and work out all my frustrations. On my own. In my bed. The bed where I fucked Faith. To fuck myself with the fingers I had inside her. I can't think of anything hornier right now. And I want it.
But I won't.
This hand that's trailing down the inside of my thigh, lightly tickling, softly touching... nope, I'm not gonna let it wander up... not gonna let it feel how wet I am, how wet the thought of fucking her makes me... no, not happening... and those fingers that are brushing so casually across my clit... not happening either... and I `am' so wet... and my hips are moving already, knowing the rhythm I want to set... I need to set... but this won't happen, because I can wait... I am not eager, huh... that's just a lie... and so this finger that's pressing so firmly against my own hole, as it pushed against hers... just a figment of imagination... cos I am not fucking myself... I am not thinking about Faith and riding my own hand... not thinking about how good it's gonna feel when these are her hands... when these fingers which are buried deep inside of me are her fingers... no, that's not happening... and the fact I can picture her face as I made her cum... not affecting me... no, not making me ride harder... not making me fuck myself with so much abandon, I can already feel my own release approaching... the way her muscles tightened against me, held me in... my muscles feel nothing like that... no... and my breathing so ragged... just an after effect of the bath... because I'm not just about to cum... these fingers fucking me, which just this morning were wrapped so tightly in Faith... oh god... no, not cumming...
"Oh Fuck... oh yeah... uh..."
... really, so not gonna cum.
"...ahh... oh god... mmmm....mmmmm."
Wow.
I want Faith.
And maybe I am just a little eager.
And wow!
Maybe I can just lay here, on this bed, and fuck myself over and over, till Faith comes home. Will be a welcome home present.
But then she'll call me eager again, and be thinking it's all about the sex... which it isn't. Really! It's just... god, she makes me so damn horny. It's not my fault. It's hers. Yep. Faith is to blame. Bad, bad Faith.
After a while, I get myself dressed, because I really don't know how long Faith is gonna be. I wish she would come home already. I need her. And the longer she's away... I don't know, it just feels like maybe she doesn't need me so much. Which hurts. A little.
So I'm gonna keep busy in non sexual ways. Like... aha! I will phone Angel. Impress him with my battle tales.
So answer already.
Ring, ring blah blah blah.
`Eventually', the phone gets answered and I get to have a conversation, which does absolutely everything opposite to what I wanted.
It seems Angle thinks that Faith is `his' slayer. Like I was loaning her or something. And now the apocalypse is done, he wants her to go back there. Just like that.
Hello? Reality check. She will not be leaving. Because she can't leave. I need her. I love her.
But I could hardly say that could I? Faith hasn't even said she loves me, I'm hardly gonna start telling Angel about our big, erm... `love affair'.
But god, now I have even more to think about. And it's getting later and later, and Rona left ages ago, so where is Faith?
It's still raining outside, but I don't care. I take myself into the rain, and head for the tree, the total amount of cover available to me. And I sit. And I will sit here, and I will think, and I will wait. And when she finally comes home, I will be the first thing she sees. And then I'll know.
Because I'm aching for her, and if she is aching for me, I will know.
And if I catch pneumonia from sitting in the rain...?
Well, then I'll just have to kick her ass before I kiss her.
Faith's Pov
I hate hospitals.
Really. Not even a vague dislike. I really `fucking' hate hospitals. So I guess you might ask why I've spent all day sitting in one. It's a fair question. And I'm not really sure that I know the answer.
It's just been a really crazy day, far too much happening for me to make sense of, so I'm here. Hiding out. Because as long as I stay here, I don't have to confront, `out there'. And it's the out there that is freaking me.
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.
Still the same thing, going round and round my head. No breaks. No distractions. Just Buffy. And how I feel about Buffy. How Buffy feels about me.
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.
I think I might be going insane. And I know what to look for, so when I say it... maybe I mean it. Maybe.
Today when I thought she was...
No.
Today when `everyone else' thought she was dead, it was fucked up. All the grief, and the pain. It's just too much. And I was scared. So fucking scared. So fucking dumb. I knew she couldn't be... because I couldn't cope with that. But the longer I waited... god, the fear.
And then I `felt' her, and that felt so good, so absolutely amazing... but what if I hadn't felt her? What if I never got to feel that again? To feel her again? It hurts so damn much to even consider it... which is making me think. Maybe I don't want this? Maybe I `can't' do this? This might be just that one step too far.
But this morning. This morning happened, and I can't very well pretend that it didn't. Buffy Summers `fucked' me. And how long have I waited to be able to say that? But I can say it now. And what does that mean?
I wanted to wait. I wanted to be sure. Surer then sure. Because I know what a big deal this is. Not just to me, but to her as well. I didn't want to cloud judgements with sex and orgasms. It gets too messy. Sex is sex is sex is fucking. Nothing special. Just two bodies, rubbing each other up the right way.
Or maybe just one body. Just one body that fucks you so quickly, so hard, and with such intensity... that everything you've ever known. Ever believed in. Doesn't mean shit anymore. Because that should be `just' fucking. One person taking advantage of another. Sounds familiar. But it isn't. Because I looked into those eyes, I felt the sentiment in her soft kiss and the weight behind her words. And it wasn't just fucking.
And I don't know if I'm ready for more then `just' fucking.
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.
What do I do?
I want to see her so much. Every part of me is screaming at me to go to her... but shit, I'm terrified. I don't know what to say to her. If I could just hold her in my arms. I think that would be ok. No questions... no answers. Just holding. But I know I would have to stop holding her, and then the talking would come.
And after a day like today... how can I not have answers for her?
Kennedy gave me the low down on what happened. Buffy getting all glowy and smashing open the boulder, catapulting them out of the building in that kick ass explosion. Then carrying Kennedy round, till they found me. She is so fucking good. And I'm scared I might not be good enough for her.
God. When did I get so scared all of a sudden. It's pathetic.
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.
That's when I got so scared. When I figured out that all of this was real. I wasn't just hankering after some unattainable goal... she was real... and she wanted me. She loves me.
The most fucked up thing is that half of me wants to puke, when I think that. She loves me... puke. See?
I don't know why. Maybe it's the never having love, always mocking it. I guess I don't trust it. Yet I do trust her. Arghhhh. I am going insane.
I love her.
We all know that. But `can' I love her? Can I make her happy. Give her what she needs. I'm pretty good at fucking up... so it's not a foregone thing. I want to make her happy.
That's why I'm hiding out. So I can work out the answers. All the answers I need, so that in the long run... I can make her happy.
There's a dude over by the coffee machine that won't stop checking me out. And he is so gross. All greasy long hair, and leathers. Not a chance.
I think I might kill him in a minute. Because my head is spinning, and I'd sure as hell like the distraction. The back to prison... not so hot though. So I'm gonna go back in and see Ken. Rona's had ages to snuggle and cuddle and make like bunnies... and I need to talk. To someone.
Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.
Nope. Not her. Not yet.
I get to the room, and it's heart-warmingly sickening. All gooey eyes and soft caresses. Exactly what I should be doing right now. Right? Or not. Who knows.
"Hey Rona... you wanna stop pawing the girl, and give me a minute?"
If looks could kill? I'd still whup her ass.
"You're still here?"
"Unless you're just imagining me... do you imagine me often, Ro?"
And that sure as hell makes her move her ass. I wanna tell her not to worry... lots of people imagine me all the time... it's just something about me. But she's leaving, like I asked, so I'll leave it for now.
"Hey Faith... you often go round scaring girlfriends away?"
"Only when I want a little `one on one' with their honey."
"One on one, hey? I feel kinda special."
"Must feel nice."
"It does. So why are you still here... not that I'm complaining... but why?"
Could I not just be worried about her welfare? And so she got the all clear, everything's fine, hours ago... can I not be an attentive friend?
"Just checking you're ok?"
"And the real reason would be...?"
"Stuff."
Yep. That's it. Stuff.
"Ya gonna elaborate... or should I fill in the blanks myself?"
"Feel free to fill the blanks... let me know what ya come up with, cos I'm fucked if I have the answers."
"Right."
And now she's looking at me. Maybe looking through me, it's a very intense stare.
"Buffy."
Huh? Where?
I make a big show of looking around me, pretending like I don't know what she means. Kind of dumb when you think I came in here to talk to her.
"Don't play dumb Faith... it doesn't suit. We both know the reason you're still here is because of her. Because she 'isn't' here. Right?"
"Right."
"And the reason you're still here is cos you're stupid. Right?"
"Rig... what?"
"You're stupid."
That hurts. Anyone else, they'd be kissing my ass about now.
"You gonna back that up, Ken? Cos calling a girl stupid... been known to piss her off."
"Sorry... it's just... well you are."
And she looks so sure of herself, that I have to laugh. Fair enough. I'm stupid.
"You gonna tell me why I'm stupid?"
"Well for starters, you don't need me to tell you. So yeah, stupid."
"Maybe I do need you to tell me... ever think of that."
"Nah... too busy thinking about you, being stupid."
I don't think this is what I came to talk about.
"Get to the point?"
"I was. Ok. You're a slayer, yeah?"
"Now who's stupid? Of course I'm a fucking slayer."
"Right... so how do you slay... what keeps you alive?"
"Easy. Instinct. Ya just know... when you're out there, just you against them, it comes down to instinct... who's are better, who trusts them..."
"And you trust yours?"
"Of course I fucking trust them, I'm alive aren't I? For fuck's sake Ken... what is this?"
Why is she looking at me like I'm a big fucking dope?
"So you're alive because you trust your instincts... you're who you are because you trust your instincts?"
I am actually going to hit her. Hospital bed be damned, she is so close.
"Point?"
"Patience?"
"Guns `n' Roses... kick ass tune. Point?"
"You are so infuriating!"
"More then stupid?"
Now she looks like she wants to hit me. Maybe we could start a brawl.
"Faith... shut up. Please."
"Tell me your point already, and I'll shut up all ya want."
"The point is... why the hell are you doing everything you can to ignore your instincts?"
"That's your point? We decide I'm who I am because I follow my instincts... and now your point is that I don't. Gotta say Ken... maybe them doctors missed some head trauma... cos you? Space cadet."
"You really are stupid. Ok, I'm gonna walk you through it."
She takes a couple of breaths, like she's building up to something. I hope it's her point.
"Buffy. You and Buffy. What's that all about?"
Great. No point. Just more questions.
"Who knows?"
"You know."
"Right. Err... it's complicated."
"And who's making it complicated?"
"It's not that simple, Ken."
"No? Cos from here, it all looks pretty simple."
"Maybe you should squeeze over and let me in then, cos from here... no such simplicity."
"Do you love her?"
I can't lie. I don't want to lie.
"Of course I fucking love her. Every single second... Buffy, Buffy, Buffy... no respite, just her. In my head, in my heart... it's driving me crazy."
"So sweet."
"Don't fuck with me, Ken."
She has the good grace to look chastised. It still looks good on her.
"Sorry. Couldn't help it."
"Whatever."
"Back to the point..."
We were at the point?
"...you love Buffy. She loves you. What do your instincts say?"
That's easy. I've been fighting them all night.
"They say to go to her. To be with her. To..."
And I think I'm sure about this.
"... they tell me to love her. To just let go, and fucking love her."
And she's looking at me, like she's so damn smart. And maybe she is. Because she is right. Everything. Every little complication, every need to run away, every wish to not love... all of that has been battling against my instincts. And my instincts make me who I am. What I am. I always trust them. Sometimes they see me bad, but generally just when I'm crazy, other then that... they're solid. My whole life... the one thing I could depend on was my gut. My instincts.
Maybe that's why I've been going so crazy, sat here all day, denying who I am. What I need.
"Faith...?"
"Huh?"
"Why are you still here?"
I look at her and flash a grin. A special grin I save for the girls I really fucking like.
"That would be because I'm stupid. Right?"
"Right. Finally you get it!"
"Maybe I'm starting to."
I can't stay here any longer. I have places I'm meant to be. Places I should've been a long time ago.
I just have to ask something though.
"Ken...?"
"You're still here."
"Ha ha. So... you and Buffy, have you joined her fan club or what?"
"What?"
"Well... there was the tender way she was carrying you this morning, and now with the `go and love Buffy' speech... it's making me think... you like her, don't you?"
"No. Really Faith... big no. Girl drives me mad... and the tender holding? If she could've dropped me, I think she would've. Admittedly... saving my life... I might send her a Christmas card, but fan club? No fucking way. Not now. Not ever."
I laugh, because I knew. Those two are never gonna be sharing, caring buddies.
"GO!"
"I'm going! Should I send Rona back in? Cos there was this guy... totally hot, out by the coffee machine... I'm thinking your style."
"I'm thinking... fuck off."
"So much love... makes me weep. I'll see ya tomorrow, yeah? Break ya out of this shit hole."
"If I get my way, I'm outta here tonight... I got slayer healing now."
And so she does.
"I'll see ya then."
"Just go and get your fucking girl. Please?"
And with that I go.
Down the corridor, round the corner, out the door, and into the rain.
How cheery.
I think it's been raining all day. Maybe washing away the last of the evil. Maybe just a weather front. Like I care.
I do care that I'm getting soaked. I could've called. Had someone come get me. But I'm stupid remember.
And I'm fucking nervous. The walk is gonna do me good.
I'm done thinking though. If I think, I'll just end up thinking my way out of this. I work on instinct. So I'm gonna follow them. At least that way if it goes to shit... I know I was true to myself.
I wonder what she's doing. What she's thinking. She's gotta be pissed at me. All day I was at the hospital. The day she nearly dies, the day we were first `together'... oh god that sounds lame, the first day we fucked... that is so much better... anyway, yeah... all that, and I just fuck off. No phone call, no message. Nothing. And the way I left her... `I'll be seeing ya'... what kind of bullshit was that?
I am a grade A shit. Shit of the special kind.
I'm nearly there now, and I am so fucking wet. My clothes are drenched. I think my hair is plastered quite firmly to my head. Bet I still look hot though.
The nearer I get, the warmer I feel. It's a funny feeling this `connection' we have. I can't explain it. It's more then just the slayer thing. It always was. She's just in me, and when I'm near her, I can feel her. In me.
I'm feeling her now, all over feeling her.
And I look up, because I'm not even at the drive yet, and I can feel her.
And there she is. And I don't get it. Sitting under a fucking tree, in the pouring rain. Maybe I'm not the stupid one. Cos that's gotta be pretty stupid too.
I can feel the ache. The ache I have for her. My instincts screaming.
Get the girl, get the girl, get the girl.
I get it already.
As I get close she stands up. She is so fucking wet. And she looks so fucking hot.
She speaks first.
"You're wet."
"So are you."
"I was waiting for you."
And I know that she was. And I know she would've waited forever, if that's how long it had taken.
"It took me a damn long time to get here."
"Where's here?"
There's only one place that could ever be.
"With you B. With you."
She moves towards me, or I move towards her, and she takes my hands, does the prisoner of the eyes look.
"So... you wanna come inside?"
No. I want to stay out here in the rain.
"I would love to come inside."
And she starts to pull me towards the door, out of the rain. But I stop her. Because I came here to say something. Something I waited forever to say. And I wanna say it. Now. In the pouring rain.
"B...? Buffy... stop a minute."
"Huh?"
"Just wait, I wanna say something."
"Something you can't say indoors, out of the rain, in the warm?"
"Nope. I have to say it now."
"So say it, I'm wet."
Me too, B, me too. Really fucking wet.
"Will you shut up for a sec... I'm trying to have a `moment' here."
"Oh."
And I think she gets it. Because she shuts up.
"I tried so hard B. Everyday, since I got here, everyday before that... it feels like my whole fucking life, I've been trying so damn hard not to love you... every time you looked at me, I wanted you, every time you spoke to me, I needed you... but I just kept trying... because I thought I was right, that this was wrong... that love was wrong... and how fucked up is that?... and I get that now. I do. And so... I need you to love me B, I want you to love me, I want you to wake up every fucking morning, and swear that you love me... because... because 'I' love you. And that scares me, hell it terrifies me... but I want you. I want to love you. I do love you. And can you do that?"
"I promise Faith, every single morning... I will wake up and swear I love you. I do love you."
"And I love you."
Holy fucking wow.
Take intense and times it by a trillion.
"So Faith...?"
Can't speak. Head spun.
"Huh?"
"Are ya gonna kiss me now... cos typically, after a declaration like that, you kiss the girl... and I have been waiting... a long time... hours, in the rain...waiting for a kiss."
"Waiting for a kiss?"
"Yep."
And who am I to disappoint the girl I love?
So I kiss her. It's the most tender kiss I've ever given. The first kiss ever backed up by love.
Outside, in the rain, under a tree, soaking wet, on the day we saved the world. It's such a fucking cliché... a movie ending moment... and I can't do it no more.
"B?"
"Hmmm?"
"Can we go in now?"
"Ya don't like my kisses?"
"Yep, that's it. Kissing you sucks, and I wanna go indoors, have a shower, get warm, and spend the rest of the night not kissing you. Ok?"
"Ok."
And so she goes to lead me in the house, and this time I let her. I said what I had to say. What I needed to say.
"Faith...?"
"Yeah?"
"You know I'm gonna hold ya to that, right?"
"What?"
"The `no kissing all night'."
Like fuck she is.
"Just keep telling yourself that... `miss eager pants'."
And I'm laughing, she's scowling, and I can't wait to get her upstairs to wipe the scowl off of her face. I just have this feeling... an incy wincey feeling... that tonight could work out to be, the best night of my life.
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