Chapter 10
The Lake
Last night I was roaming the school in search of vamps, demons, illicit magic and secret student make-out parties. Somewhere between ignoring an inter-dorm midnight feast and preventing the school from being sucked into a mall-free hell dimension, I came to a decision; I needed to know the answer. Talking to Willow had confirmed what I knew I had to do. I was going to talk to Faith. She was still sleeping, what with it being 5am and she'd been dancing `til 4. So I pushed a note under her door;
Faith,
Meet me 3pm at the lake. It's important.
Yours.
B.
I hesitated about the word yours, but by the time the sky darkened and creatures started clawing from their graves, there'd be no illusions. She'd know the truth of my feelings anyway. You think it's odd don't you? That Faith and I can spend this much time together, have more sex than most official couples and virtually co-parent, yet I hesitate to write yours when I leave her a note? The thing is, Faith knows I love her, and I know that in a mean-trampling-my-feelings way, Faith loves me. We just don't admit it. There's this unspoken agreement between us. It's all arranged so she believes she has total freedom. She doesn't do well with feeling constrained or trapped. I get that more now knowing what she's been through. I've tried. For years I've done it her way because I care about her so much. But it's not enough anymore.
The lake is beyond the far fence, just outside the school grounds. She knows exactly where I mean on account of her always dragging me there. Spring or summer, post-slay and a full moon; Faith takes me skinny dipping. Ok, so maybe not so much dragging or persuasion needed. I love being her partner in crime - the fun not killing people kind, when everything is a joke shared only between us. I'd miss adventures like that if I had to give her up - which could be in like ten minutes. Eeeek. Double Eeeek.
Faith had been seriously mean recently. I was trying to brace myself for what she might say; only, I wasn't feeling too bracey. So, I dawdled across the training fields, past the sparring courts and towards the lake. It was not the idyllic romantic scene I would've liked. What with today being kinda cold and the sky all gloomy grey. This woman is the love of my life. So what was I doing? What I was asking of her, Faith's never done before. I wasn't sure if she knew how or even wanted it. What I was asking would be drastic and scary for her. I guess the question is; will the prospect of losing me be scarier? God, I hope so.
I slithered under the gap where the fence doesn't quite meet the ground. As I dusted off my cute new `please commit to me' top, I could see Faith already at the lake. Faith was early? Huh. She had her back to me as she sat hunched over; resting her chin on her knees and looking out over the water which was reflecting bleak and dull back at the sky. I walked towards her very slowly. If these were my last few minutes of being close to Faith, I was all about the savouring. As I approached, I couldn't see her face but she shrugged the moment she felt the Slayer tingle across her shoulders and knew I was there. She was surprisingly still despite sitting on the damp ground. She was all in black of course but simple clothes today. No leather or cleavage. Her clothes were still kinda clingy; I mean she's still Faith. I laid out the plaid blanket I'd brought, sat down patting the spot beside me. She shifted onto the blanket but as far from me as she could possibly be. Clearly I reigned supreme as Faith's most un-favourite person, I just didn't get why.
The breeze across the lake kept blowing wisps of hair across her face. Irritated, she'd brush them out her eyes revealing this disturbing fact; no trademark dark lipstick. Only the black eye make-up - a little smudged under her eyes. She looked tired and pale. Maybe it was the lack of lipstick or perhaps all the recent introspection as she came head to head with her past. As Faith stared out to where the grey mist of the lake met the grey mist of the sky, the well practiced blankness in her gaze made me reconsider. How could I abandon her? Wes says she has to save herself. But when she looked all exposed and vulnerable while acting like life was all five by five peachiness, I just wanted to wrap her in my arms and keep her safe. I wondered what the hell I was doing. She needed me. I needed her. I was wrestling with my decision when she broke our silence; “You're ditching me, aren't ya B?”
Wha? What? Huh? One, where did she get that idea? Two, how can you ditch someone you are absolutely, under no circumstances, in a relationship with? I decided to let both points slide as there was more at stake. “No! Of course not.”
She sighed, visibly relieved and scooted over a little. “So we're not breaking up?”
“No. Well, I hope not.”
Her whole body tensed, she hadn't looked at me once. I knew because my eyes hadn't left her. “B, just fuckin' tell me. Sorry, it's just…”
“What?”
“Nuthin'. Just lay it on me B. I can take it. Are we or aren't we? Which is it?”
“I don't know. I have things I need to say, then you have a decision to make.”
“Things to say? You screwed Red didn't you? Now you're gonna be life partners, have a commitment ceremony and I'll just be a handy post-slay fuck when she's on the rag.” [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
I laughed a bit. I couldn't help it. “Sorry Faith. It's just that, me and Willow? Uh uh. No way. I love her in a friend way. It's you I want to be with.”
She looked utterly confused. “So what's the problem?”
“Faith,” I placed my hand on hers, “can you let me talk `til I'm done before you respond? You can say all you need, after. But I need to, I want to, explain everything.”
“It's about time.”
“Huh?”
“Lay it on me.”
So, first off I told her social services want to place Toby with a permanent family. I was slowly leading up to the whole adoption proposal. I told her I feel like we're his family.
It didn't take long for Faith to interrupt, “'Course we are. He deserves better than some fucked dad dude or another spineless low life mom. We'll protect him. We love him.” Faith actually emphasized the word love. “He needs us B. We have to do it.”
“I agree, but you might wanna hear the rest before you start planning his sweet sixteen.”
“Sure B. But if they think they can take Kid, they're gonna get double Slayer [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]trouble.”
I was all happy she felt strongly about this. Faith'd had enough fucked up step-parents or `uncles,' as she was told to call her mom's boyfriends. Approved by the state or not, she knew the risks in leaving Toby with strangers. Faith needed Toby to be safe. She needed to guard him from her uncles. And prove to herself, she could make different choices than her mom.
So, I explained all the Giles stuff. Amidst practicalities and paperwork I slipped in how they needed us to be in a relationship to adopt Toby.
She only interrupted once, “Thank fuck Wolfram and Hart made my record disappear.”
I'm such a ditz. In all my stressing, I hadn't even thought of that. I knew it was time. Did I mention eeek? What if she flipped out and got all mean - again. Maybe I hadn't said anything before now because secretly I knew the truth; Faith would never commit. I was asking her to go against her own nature. But I made myself press on, despite my terror. My eyes left her for the first time since I'd sat down. I didn't want to see her inevitable sneer. So I went in un-armed. Just Buffy, no weapons, “Faith, I want to be with you.” [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
We don't do vocalising our feelings. She's only ever said I love you mid-orgasm. I said it once in our second year at the Academy - blunder of the century. Faith flipped out for weeks. I haven't said it since, but the feeling kept growing.
Well, I told her I wanted to be with her. This time she didn't freak out. I know `cos I kept sneaking glances to check. I saw the goose pimples rise on her wrists the moment she heard my words. When I checked her face I knew her goose flesh wasn't fear. This didn't mean she'd agree to my terms. But her physical reaction to my feelings was awesome. “Faith, I don't just want to be with you, I need it.” Saying those words, out loud - more terrifying than jumping from the tower. “I need you in my life because you're already in my heart.”
“I'm in your life B. You're in the room next door, we work together, train together, patrol, teach, hang with Kid. You need me to come to the bathroom with you?”
“Faith, please, I need to get this out.” Great. I'd just revealed the truth of my soul, Faith was cracking bathroom jokes. [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
“Go on.”
I took the deepest breath known to woman. “You're already in my life but what we have now isn't enough.” Faith prepared her body for attack. “I know how much you hate being confined like you're losing your freedom. For six years I've held back and haven't said what I want because every time I hinted; you'd freak. I am so scared of losing you Faith. I know what I'm gonna say will make you want to go all red-hair-German-speaking-Lola on me.” She looked at me like I was crazy. “But we're at a turning point and I need to tell you what I want for us to go on. There's a load of stuff we can negotiate, I'll even compromise. But there are some basics I need from you for this to work.” I gesticulated in the air between us. “I'm gonna tell you what they are, then you take whatever time you need to figure out if you can do them or even want to. If you decide yes then tell me what you need from me.”
Very quietly Faith said, “I already get what I need from you B.”
I was enough for her? I wanted Faith to feel how I did at this moment, that she was enough. I pressed on. “Regardless, there may be things to add you think of later. All I'm saying is, if you want what I'm proposing, uh, I mean asking, then I'll happily listen to what you want.” At some point during this conversation Faith and I had inched closer, we were now sitting beside one another. The side of her thigh was ever so slightly grazing the side of mine. The sensation of our jeans touching crackled an electric reminder of what was at stake. [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
“So hit me B. Tell me these `requirements' of yours.”
Big red flashing neon warning signs; sarcasm alert. Maybe I'd lost her already. There was no turning back now. “Faith, I want you in my life.”
She said, “Good” in her husky sexy voice and kissed my mouth for a moment - long enough to slip in her tongue. Charm. Did I mention the lack of charm in my life if things don't work out with Faith?
“Faith.” I stroked her cheek, mirroring the way she touched me that morning after Scythe Share and my `girls are delicious' revelation. “I need to tell you the rest. It's not like this is the easiest conversation. For either of us.”
She held up her hands in protest. “I'm not stopping you B. Tell me the rest.”
“Ok, where was I?”
“You don't remember, even after your little speech?” She poked me in the ribs.
“The Faith flirting and sexy kissing got me all distracted and flustery.” I know, I know. I was meant to be resolve-girl right then, laying down what I needed from `us'. At least there seemed to be some acknowledgement of an `us'. Even when we were all about tormenting each other in Sunnydale, it was because we were utterly obsessed with each other. We kind of joke about it now, even though none of it's that funny.
I keep veering way off track here. Ok, so I'd just told Faith how her kissing distracted me - jeez I got distracted from a distraction from the story I'm telling you. And I tease Will that she babbles. When I said the thing about the kissing, Faith just scooped me up into her arms and started kissing my face and neck. It felt so good but I told her I needed to finish because what I had to say was important. And then it was all ironic `cos I was there trying to be all assertive and take a hard line. Which I did by the way. But I did it while I was curled up in her lap with my head against her shoulder. I couldn't help it; she only lets me do it occasionally. Also I knew it might be the last time.
“So,” I told Faith, “my first condition,” I could hear how that sounded coming out my mouth. I guess the whole conversation felt ominous because it might signify the, you know, actual end. I took a deep breath, readying myself for what came next. “Faith, I need commitment.” I virtually flinched myself knowing how the words would be received. “As in you commit to me.” She grimaced - big surprise. “I mean really. I can't keep playing these games.” See? I'm all about the hard line.
“What games B?” She asked innocently and it was like she really didn't know.
So I told her, “Like every time we get close you go hook up with some loser you make a point of doing real loud so I can hear.”
“B, we share a wall. What do you want me to do?”
“Uh, go to his place?” She had no response. Because I'm right and all. So I continued, “Like never asking me to formal stuff and school events `til the very absolute last minute. So I'm left hanging, never knowing if you'll ask. Like it never being ok for me to tell you how much you mean to me or be the one to invite you - without being rejected. I want to count on you.”
“You can count on me B.”
“I know you'll always save my life and defend me and my honour from even the mildest criticism.”
“You do?”
“Of course. But I also need the day to day stuff - less shining armour, more turning up on time and helping Toby with homework.”
“Hey! I was early. And you know I never did much school.”
“Ok, well, I know being open about our feelings scares the crap out of you. But I can't be in a relationship where those things aren't said, at least sometimes.”
She nodded. She was actually listening. “What else?”
“Can we start telling people we're a real couple? And can we start calling ourselves a couple? I want to be with you and it be official and acknowledged.”
“You don't mean?”
“The white dress thing?” I started laughing. I did consider messing with her, but that would be all hypocritical what with my `no games' rule. “No. Faith it's not about some ceremony it's about how we are with each other.”
“Cool.”
“I have more things, but you're not gonna like them.”
“What `cos so far everything's been easy and fun?”
I was still sitting on her lap and looked up at her. I was terrified that despite the closeness I felt with her at that moment, maybe it wouldn't be enough. Maybe I was asking too much from her. She saw this go through me. Sometimes the extent we're connected is freaky.
“It's ok B. I wanna hear. Tell me these things.”
“Drinking and monogamy.”
“Uh oh.” She already looked nervous.
“I need some limits for us all to be safe.”
“This sounds hard. You better explain exactly what you mean. I don't wanna screw up `cos I didn't even understand your rules.”
“Which one first?”
“Let's try the drinking, maybe there'll be less shouting and throwing stuff.” [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
“Faith,” I took one of her hands in both of mine, I was fidgeting with it `cos I was all nervous and also `cos I felt closer to her that way. I twined my fingers with hers and kissed her palm. “I'm worried about the way you drink.”
“The way I drink B? What I'm drinking out the wrong side of the glass?”
“No. That's not what I meant.” I was feeling defensive but tried some breathing techniques I learnt in Oz's class. “I mean, I think you use it when you get scared, or don't want to deal with your feelings, like as an escape or something. I worry about you.” She wouldn't look at me. “Could we agree you can get wasted one night a week, but you're not allowed to drive or slay or knock on my door for crappy drunken sex at 3am?”
“The sex is crappy?” Faith looked genuinely concerned.
I laughed. “Only when you're drunk Honey. Only ever then.”
“In that case you shoulda said something sooner. Get me to an AA meeting now or sooner.”
“And only one line of shots off the piano when you're with Spike.”
“You know about that?” I just rolled my eyes. “Ok. But can we kinda talk about it? Like if there's a rockin' party happening or it's Christmas can I maybe get an extra night that week?”
“Typical. We haven't agreed the rules yet and you're already trying to get round them.” I smiled. She'd been pretty great about everything so far. “Yeah, all of that's possible, you're not my child. As long as it's a discussion. If you're not just getting wasted to deal with whatever's going on, then it's all smiles with Buffy. Actually, one more thing; no getting drunk or smoking around Toby.” Faith nodded. She never wanted to be her mom. We just sat there for a while, I was leaning against her and it actually felt alright between us, calmer than it had in forever.
“So B, what's the deal with monogamy?”
The calm never lasts too long. “I guess it's something we figure out together. It's the same as the drinking; I'll compromise on the rules. It's just important that there are rules - and limits. I need to know what the boundaries are. It makes me feel safe.”
“What kinda rules?” I couldn't remember Faith ever being this reasonable.
“Well, I was thinking; on the dance floor you do what the hell you want.”
“For real?”
“Yep, unless I'm there. I don't wanna see you with someone else.”
“Baby, if you're there I won't notice anyone else.”
I told you she was big with the charm. I can't help but fall for it. I bit my lip a little and then looked up at her through my eyelashes, giving my coy but sexy grin. “You don't do anyone else and they don't do you. Only I get to do that. Also, I could live without the STD checks every 3 months.”
She nodded sheepishly. “Ok B.”
“And you never ever bring anyone home again. I've heard you going at it enough to last all three of my lifetimes. And then some. When you're on the dance floor I know you get horny. I get that dancing's a sexy activity for you, but then again what isn't?” She playfully grabbed my boob. “But if you wanna actually have sex. If you're relatively sober you can find new and creative ways to rouse me from my sleep.”
“You said arouse, right?” I rolled my eyes. “I guess that sounds alright. An' we can talk about this stuff, yeah B? I mean negotiate like with the booze?”
“To some extent, yeah. But basically I kinda want you all to myself.”
“What about you B?”
“What about me?”
“Well this monogamy business, it's a two way thing, right? What are the rules for you?”
I looked at her, and couldn't believe I'd never thought about this side of the coin. If I'm honest I don't really care. Ok, so I said no games, but I might have to pretend to care just a little. Just so she thinks I've sacrificed something too. “Well what do you want the rules to be for me?”
“No more guys called Alec or Michael or Sanjay or Oliver. No more losers, where you have to fuckin' fake orgasms, three times a week.” [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
“You knew about that? You heard?” I started blushing. Faith heard? So embarrassing. Not that she and I haven't done way more humiliating things with each other but it felt different that I didn't know Faith was listening. I didn't think I'd been so loud. Slayer hearing - doesn't always work in our favour. “But how did you know,” I still couldn't look at her. “That I was faking?” [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
“Come on B. I've heard the real thing often enough.”
“How do you know I haven't been faking with you all these years?”
Faith just quirked her eyebrows at me with that patent dimpled grin. I couldn't believe that maybe, just maybe, I'd get to spend the rest of my life getting sprung from chem. I turned round in her lap; kissing her so passionately she toppled backwards. This left me lying on top of her. We were making out big time. I was squirming around on her, just enjoying the feel of Faith under me. She reached between us and started rubbing my clit through my jeans. Oh God, she's good. Then the pressure increased as she raised her body up and used it to push her hand harder against me. I gasped loudly, then let out a long moan. At which point she removed her hand - as in what the something? Any four letter expletive will do. She whispered huskily into my ear, “That's how I know you're not faking B.”
“You have to actually finish the job to make that call.”
“Soon B. Soon. First I have more rules.”
Hoo boy. This thing was really backfiring. “Hmm?”
“No one else stays in your bed but me and Kid. Or Dawnie when she's fighting with that little upstart of a husband.”
I looked at her wondering if she meant it. Faith, staying in my bed? I thought I might start to cry. Ok, I needed to keep it together and listen to her rules.
“No relationships with anyone else. I also don't wanna see or hear anything. `Cos if I do, your `lover' and I use the word loosely, might end up with a coupla broken limbs.”
“Sure Faith, all sounds reasonable. I'll try.” I'm so full of crap. The only reason I dated those losers, was to try make her jealous. Or, to persuade myself to get over Faith and be with someone more stable. As you can see, that worked out nicely.
“One last rule B. And this one's the most important.”
I wondered what she was gonna say.
“No fucking vampires!” She was extremely emphatic. I feigned extreme disappointment. I was just feeling happy that finally, she was acknowledging out loud, that she cared enough to be jealous.
I agreed, obviously, and there was kissing and stuff. We got sidetracked what with all the committing to each other. I smiled at her and then remembered the rest of what I had to say. This was in no way going to be easy. “Faith, this isn't a condition exactly, but I want you to let me in.” She pulled back from me slightly and rolled her eyes. I'd thought things were going nicely. “No matter how terrible the things you've done or have been done to you, I want to hear. I've forgiven you for trying to kill my friends. So I pretty much think I can deal with whatever you want to talk about.” I took a long breath. “Sweetie?” I knew this next part was a big ol' risk. “You know your nightmares?” I folded my arms around her neck, stroking it under her mass of curls. Have I mentioned how gorgeous she is lately?
“Yeah.” Faith's voice was real quiet.
“What I'd like, what I'd really like…”
“Oh God, sorry B! I knew it was too much. I fucking knew it wasn't ok.”
“Faith, no!” I knelt on the blanket in front of her. Still caressing the fine hairs on the back of her neck I looked her directly in the eye. “What I was trying to say was…” I was so nervous. “…for you to call out to me, or come find me, when you have those dreams. Or just let me stay and give you what you need, once you've woken up. You don't have to do this alone. If you had nightmares every night I'd still be there and want to be there.” I moved one hand to stroke her hair. “You don't have to be hurting alone. Let me be there for you. Please?”
Faith looked at me all incredulous. “You actually want to be there when I'm all crying and shaking?” I nodded, keeping eye contact, praying she could see the sincerity there. Hold on, did Faith just admit to crying? Out loud?
I wanted so much for her to trust me, to know I meant every word, to stop holding back, and just be real. Then I added, “This isn't a demand Faith, I can't even ask it of you. It's just what I want.”
“Bullshit Blondie.” Huh? Suddenly she was seething. “I get it B. I'm supposed to face my fears, abstain, reform and find my Higher Power. Basically get a personality transplant, while you lie to my face. That's beautiful B. No, what it is, is typical.” There were two tears running slowly down her left cheek. I tried to kiss them away as I stroked her hair and face. Faith roughly pushed me away. “Perfect, obedient, holier than thou Buffy.” She said my name with such scorn, it cut right through my chest like the sword I stuck in Angel. “It's one standard for you and one for everyone else. Ain't that right B?” She was right up close. “You always have your little secrets. Seems to me Buffy, Angel's back from hell again and you just forgot to mention it.”
Half an hour. The warm, comfortable, safe feeling didn't even last half an hour. Why had I fooled myself into hoping? [Author ID1: at Mon Oct 2 21:48:00 2006 ]
“So what's his name?”
“Who's name?” Had she had her crazy pills for breakfast?
“Mr. Rugged-Clean-Cut-Church-Going-Well-Mannered guy. You know, the one you keep disappearing to visit.”
“Faith, what the hell are you talking about?”
“I may have missed most of high school but I'm not stupid B. Every day you disappear for hours at a time. When any of us ask you where you've been you're all silent and avoid the question; like there's something wrong with us. Plus there's stuff missing, you haven't spent so much time with Toby the last couple weeks. What is up with that?”
“Fai…”
“Shut the fuck up Buffy! I've listened to you go on, and on and fucking on; `Faith, be honest, Faith, don't lie, Faith, be a good role model and parent and keep to your obligations.' Well, what about your obligations B? You think I didn't notice that all this weird shit's been going missing. A couple Giles' books, Willow's herbs, some stuff from the kitchen. I don't get what you're doing but I know it's to do with that shed near Giles' cottage.”
I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to betray your trust and tell her but she was so mad. And hurting.
“I was gonna just kick the door in but I guess I hoped. Stupid Slayer that I am, I guess I hoped you'd tell me yourself. It's all bullshit. Everything you said today B. You're full of crap. You've been lying to all of us for God knows how long and I have had it with you Buffy. I'm done.”
At the start of Faith's tirade she was all in my face; intimidating, violent, threatening - usual Faith stuff. But I started to feel all discombobulated along with the sad, as her angry pacing increased the distance between us. Moving towards her only induced more hate and venom spewing. But the worst part was when, mid-sentence, she stopped vilifying me and quietly walked away.
Basically she freaked out because I keep coming here to talk to you. You know I'm gonna have to tell her.
