Chapter Four

The Kid and Faith

I'm falling in love and my heart is breaking, all at the same time. My love is a new one. The heartache, as familiar as staking vamps and decapitating demons.
 You remember when Glory was after Dawn? Duh! I'm such a ditz sometimes, of course you remember. Well, even though technically she hadn't been my sister for long I felt these forceful protective urges. I was about to say, that I'd give my life to keep Dawn safe, but I guess I already did the sacrificial death and rebirth thing for her. Even though I adore Xander and Willow, and have protected them more times than I can count, it's different than what I felt when Dawn was growing up. Even now she's all coupled and semi-responsible, I still worry. I guess all of that intensified when Mom died. I still miss Mom you know, every day.

But anyways, my new love is Toby - who, if there was a prize for cuteness, would so be wearing shiny medals. I guess I'm all protective, `cos of how we found him. He's kinda nervous and jittery which isn't surprising considering it was six weeks ago that everything went down. He has nightmares too.

I stay with him of course; he's been through too much to be left on his own. But that means there's no one soothing the nightmared sleep on the other side of the building. And it's for her my heart breaks - a little more every day.

So, that night, Willow did her distance protection spell. But Faith didn't come home for two days after we'd found Toby. When she did, she looked worse than I'd seen her post coma, post Orpheus addiction or post apocalypses 1, 3 and 7. She won't talk to me, except to say something especially mean or snarky. I know she's pushing me away, but it's still a big ouch. What if this is the end for Faith? I want to do something, but what? I want to protect her, but technically she's an adult responsible for her own well-being. Toby, on the other hand, is not.

I've saved Dawn from like a million demon kidnappings, but unless I'm invisible, I am powerless against the dark forces of Social Services. Can you believe they took Toby away? He went to a foster home, last month. But according to Marion, his social worker; he `didn't settle' and kept asking to come back here. She told Giles that she knows; this is an `alternative' school and although it's somewhat unorthodox, she wondered if maybe we could foster Toby and keep him at the Academy.

I agreed - how could I not? Apparently it was me he'd been asking for. I was to be Toby's official foster parent. Giles liked the idea. Anything that involves me being all grown up and responsible seems to meet with his glowing approval. He still tuts about the fact that I never graduated college.

During a staff meeting, we all agreed; that although Toby is primarily my responsibility, raising him would be a joint effort. Killing mystical fiends, raising kids - it's all about the team effort. When Harmony took the minutes, Faith was the only member of staff noted as absent.

The decision to foster Toby would have been simple if Cordelia and Anya hadn't gotten into yet another argument. As you can imagine, they're super blunt with each other. Also, relationships with Xander in both their pasts mean they're not so much with the nurturing new friendship. There also may be some resentment there `cos it was Cordelia's wish that made Anya human in the first place. Cordy's ever sensitive response; “We all vie between a supernatural existence and a human one, whadaya gonna do about it?”

I went on a date with Cordelia once. Actually it wasn't a date, more of a demony scavenger hunt for Slayers' lives. But it was Homecoming and I was meant to go with Faith. I'd hoped for a night of Slayer secrets and illicit school dance kisses. Instead I got chased through the woods by a colourful array of vamps and demons with a price on my head, all the while trying to protect Cordelia. I sometimes wonder what Homecoming would have been like if I'd gotten to go with Faith.

You know, I can never ask Faith to be my date to official school functions. She gets all weird and tells me not to pressure her; “Remember it's casual and all.” But if I hold back, Faith always asks. Super nonchalantly of course, “So B, ya wanna go to this crappy leaving dinner for that math teacher?”

And I'll always respond as if I don't particularly care; “Sure Faith, I guess so.”

It's one big dumb game. Sometimes it feels like all it's ever been is a game. In this one Faith holds the power `cos I never know whether to get a date for myself or wait for Faith to ask me last minute.

On occasion she'll make a huge effort, but always as a joke. There was the time she bought me a corsage for the Academy school dance; “`cos we never got to go to homecoming or whatever.”

On Valentine's she'll give me something with hearts and flowers; pretending it's a parody of some sappy ritual. It used to hurt, that she was mocking the things I actually wanted from her. This year on February fourteenth I happened to be helping Wes. We were storing books after his `Translating Pre-Babylonian Demonic Languages' class. Doesn't that just sound like a barrel of laughs? Those poor eighth grade Watchers, I tell you. Anyway, I was moaning to Wes about the single red rose Faith had pinned to my door. Along with a note saying;

I thought you might enjoy this Valentine's bullshit B my valentine.

Wes for some reason understands Faith. Even more so since becoming her Watcher again. He pointed out that there is authenticity in Faith's gestures. He thinks the sentiment is sincere, but she's too scared of being vulnerable, rejected or seeming too cutesy to risk doing it seriously. Since then I accept her offerings in the spirit in which I hope they're intended.

So anyway, there's something I need to tell you. It's not something I like to talk about; in fact it's not something I ever talk about. But it's you. You've always been the one I tell my secrets. It's about me and Faith. Speaking of which, wanna hear something bizarre? Faith is, despite what I just said, possibly the sweetest and most romantic of anyone I've been with. She just can't acknowledge it. She does things for me. Like arriving early to get me four peach yogurts each week, as soon as they're delivered to the cafeteria. You see, they always run out. Faith knows they're my favourite - fat free of course.

She says; “What's that about? We're Slayers - we burn calories faster than anyone. You're such a girl B.”

She has to tease me. God forbid the girl owns up to doing something nice! I know this now, so I lean across and kiss her cheek, saying; “Thanks for getting me my favourite yogurts Faith.” When I do that, I think I see a glimmer of joy on her face, or even a blush.

But Faith will say sarcastically; “Oh it's my pleasure B.”

Sometimes, after she's been out slaying, Faith will leave a note on my door - actually saying something sweet. Or once in a while, when I'm setting up for my first class of the day, she'll have drawn F4B on one of the white boards. When I'm the one supervising cemetery duty she might send a text message saying simply; Be careful Baby or Get those demon bastards which is somewhat less romantic, but she'll follow it with a row of kisses. From Faith, that's a big deal.

On the rare occasions we don't have to watch for adolescent injuries, we patrol together. Like old times. The one area where Faith is utterly dependable is having my back in a fight. I think she also sees herself as chief guardian of my honour. She's all super protective girl. It's ironic, considering she's the one who causes me the most pain - but God forbid someone else even criticize my shoes.

Ok, that was a minor digression. I guess I'm not giving you the full picture. It's hard to admit, even to you. But it's not like I've always been the innocent victim in this…relationship, or whatever it is I have with Faith. As well as the whole stabbing-sending-her-into-an-eight-month-coma thing, in the last few years there are times I've behaved…well; let's say my behaviour's been big with the meanness.

You see, when I first got to Cleveland, Faith would try to rile me. Same as when she arrived in Sunnydale. She flirted and made comments that were kinda racy, you know, like in a sex way. They embarrassed me a little. My how things have changed! But back then I was uncomfortable. Especially because most of her remarks alluded to our post Scythe Share rendezvous. I hadn't told a soul, or even a being without a soul for that matter. I am so embarrassed to admit this, even to you. But I guess I was…kinda ashamed. Faith would do her best to wind me up, and like most of our relationship, this happened behind closed doors. But listen to me still sounding like everything's her fault, when it's not.

So, a couple of weeks after we'd moved to the school. I somehow became embroiled, in a post-slayage drunken game of truth or dare. In Faith's room. I won't go into that now. You want me to? Really? It's kinda juicy but I'll save it. `Cos you know, so not the point. Anyway, after said game of drunken, and did I mention drunk as in wasted as in one Slayer has way more drinking experience and therefore alcohol tolerance than the other? Also, the hornies what with it being post-slay. So very extenuating circumstances. Well, we ended up in a repeat performance of our end of End Battle night together. But this time it kinda went on for hours. We did things I didn't even know existed until then! Oh the days of my innocence. Yeah fine, I guess you know better than anyone that I was never that innocent. But compared to Faith I was purity incarnate. So we got it on. Of course I could blame it on her and Jack - as in Daniels. But to be honest the loudness wasn't from my complaining.

But Faith wouldn't let me put it all down to, as Spike says; a drunken night of gagging for it, indiscretion. She kept asking me when I was gonna come out. She left cryptic post-its inside every closet in the building. She kept reminding me of our time together and calling me a dyke, which I know is no bad thing. In fact what with the getting to have sex with girls part, I'd say it was kinda all of the good. Anyhow, I freaked at her. She wouldn't let it go; every time we were alone together she'd tease me - mercilessly. And she's Faith, so her teasing - not so much with the PG-13. We argued. I slapped her face. She knocked me down. We fought a bunch of times. I was pissed at her. Usual stuff.

But I couldn't stop thinking of how it had been with Faith. After being out slaying, it was a nightmare. I'd be in my old room beside Dawn's. For hours, lying in bed thinking about her, wanting her. So one night I thought up some lame excuse to go to her room. I desperately needed to borrow a sword - dressed in lingerie barely covered by a satin robe at 3am.

You know what Faith's like, she's not gonna be subtle about something like that. She takes one look at me, arches her eyebrow and says;

“You come here to seduce me B?”

I blush. She says; “Finally.”

Then throws me down on her bed. And it was every bit as incredible as I'd imagined all those nights. To be honest, even in Italy. Even when I was with the Immortal. He was meant to be this incredible supernatural lover but sometimes it was Faith on my mind.

So, from then on I'd turn up at her door, whenever I could no longer contain my desire for her. Every night I wrestled with it, wanting to go to her and berating myself for the longing. In those days it was me refusing to stay over. God forbid I was seen coming out of another woman's room the next day - when I'd ignore her. Or worse, be all snippy. Sometimes when she made some comment even vaguely alluding to us or my sexuality I'd be outright bitchy to her.

Why? Because I was ashamed, I guess. Now I'm ashamed of being ashamed. It wasn't like I'd been uncomfortable when Willow was with girls - obviously. It's just I had some sort of double standard for myself. I hated me, for having the desire. Doubly so because it was my former nemesis I was yearning for. I was mad at myself for liking a girl, especially that girl. Kennedy has since told me that's what they call internalised homophobia. Well I had it in buckets. I was also all confused `cos Faith was the only woman I felt that way about. Sure, I'd had the odd girl on girl fantasy - hasn't everyone? But it's something about Faith specifically, about our connection. I've wondered if it's because we weren't meant to exist at the same time. Maybe that means we're twin forces; part of one another, connected in a way that we're not to the other Slayers. When I hated her it was like a magnet. The force is so strong you're either repelled or compelled. We've been big with both.

I made attempts to convince myself and everyone else, that I was straight Slayer of the year. I tried desperately to date men. When I say desperate I mean desperate. I was with this guy Keith; talk about bor-ring. He was human for goodness sake - so not my type! On one hand you have reliable stable manly Keith and on the other you have trouble causing, dangerous and enticing Faith. Who'd you choose? Dumb question huh? Anyway, Faith was bigger with the butch than Keith could ever be. But I kept seeing him so I could believe I was `normal.' Because of course this place is all about the normalcy! I'd parade the poor guy under Faith's nose. Kissing him in front of her and speaking extra loudly about how committed we were.

One night, after Keith had left - me rather un-satisfied. I decided to pay Faith a visit. When she opens her door looking rather luscious in a black lace bra, she's all like; `Hey B, how's it going?' Then she opens the door, wide enough for me to see; Keith lying shirtless on her bed.

I'm just standing there stunned while the reminder of every feeling of betrayal, abandonment and victimyness I'd felt as a result of Faith rose up with the bile from my stomach. Sorry for the bile imagery but the whole thing was sickening. I was furious at her for what she'd done and furious at myself for being taken in by her again.

“You bitch!” If I hadn't decorated the floor with her right there, I'd have had to pay attention to the devastation clawing at my insides. It may have weakened my resolve never to be vulnerable around her again.

Keith never quite `got' the Slayer thing. So was standing there shocked, then intrigued, then absolutely terrified when he saw Faith and I hurling one another against the furniture in ways which necessitate body casts for regular mortals. His initial reaction to a couple of babes in lingerie fighting over him didn't last too long. He scuttled off terrified into the night, never to be seen again. This of course, was partly Faith's intention. What she'd done had been designed so that I'd say `goodbye weakest link' to Keith.

I think it was also part self-destruction. The effect of seeing her with one of my boyfriends had never gone well in the past. It seemed a sure fire way to wreck, whatever it was between us. I went ballistic, obviously. I was mad, in a Willow, Warren, no yellow crayon way. Sorry. That was way inappropriate. But what Faith did was malicious and designed to hurt me. I was also surprisingly jealous seeing her looking all dimples and cleavage with a someone who wasn't me! I know how this sounds but I was mad at her for being hot and for making me want her. Seeing her with Keith brought back all the Faith, Angel, tongues in mouths, hurt - and what she did with Riley. To this day I don't know what happened between her and Spike in the basement of Mom's house. Or, for that matter, whether they've ever got it on during one of their little drunken adventures. The Keith fiasco reminded me, of the risks involved, being around Faith. That in itself scared me. Side-kicking my spike-heel into her stomach was way easier than seeing the `you're ashamed of me, like everyone else my whole life' hurt behind the panic in Faith's eyes. I'm so humiliated to be telling you this, I'm not sure I can…

I guess you've always been the one I confess all my secrets to. Ok Buffy, deep breath in, long delaying tactic breath out. We were fighting. I was calling her `a filthy whore.' I actually told her she was worthless. I hate myself when I think about this. I really fucked with her. I said; `You're worthless Faith. How could you think you're anything more than someone convenient for me to fuck post-slay?' You think maybe that was my fear about how Faith felt about me? It's always been that way with us; we get angry with the parts of ourselves we see reflected in the other. If I'd paused between wrecking what little there was of Faith's self belief, I might have figured out that I'd wounded her too. Not the bloody scabby kind of wounds. I mean the ones that, you know, hurt.

The rest of that night was my own private version of hell. We wrecked every piece of furniture in her room. For once we were actually bruised and kicked around ourselves. When she threw me against her dresser, the corners dug into my back way worse than badly sculpted gravestones. Yeeowch!

As I was reeling, from Faith's furniture vendetta, she forced herself against me. I tell her she's worthless, and she comes on to me. All kinds of crazy, right? She's being all provocative and charming with one of her `a throw down's always hotter after a good smack down' kisses. I'm all like `what the fuck?' and `Mmm' and `the girl is actually insane' and `bad timing for that down low tickle' and `she thinks this fight will end in sex?' I could actually feel the heat oozing off her body in waves, and yeah I wanted her. That's what was nauseating and twisting my gut. She'd hurt me so much - way more than the dresser-corner gash down my back, but I still wanted her. I could feel my breathing quicken and almost taste her tongue all sensuous and nicotiney against mine. But I never gave myself a chance. The snaky feeling in my stomach was an echo of every moment she'd been in Sunnydale. I couldn't stand to have her near me with the stink of Keith's skanky aftershave in her hair. So I knock Faith down - onto her foreplay-crumpled bed. Her face is looking all perplexed, and with pure scorn I say; `I guess I was right,' and then ever so calmly I walk back to my room.

It was a secret I'd insisted on keeping; that Faith and I had been `together.' On the fourth morning, Faith came to my room, get this, to apologise. For three days I soaked Mr. Gordo mark two in tears while pretending to Will and Dawn that my heartache was over the break up with Keith, not Faith's betrayal. At night I tore through whichever cemetery the younger Slayers weren't patrolling, knowing there'd be more opportunities for death and destruction if they weren't around. I needed a whole lot of death and destruction the way I was feeling.

But my heart leapt a little when I saw it was Faith standing nervously at my door. I'd been secretly hoping she'd spring me from my pity party. I wouldn't have gone with her but I wanted her to come get me. This made me hate her - and myself even more. She lounged against my door frame fidgeting with her belt buckle which was intriguing her all of a sudden. “Look B, you know I'm not good at all this crying making up stuff.”

“So don't.” I continued organizing the weapons surrounding me on my bed. You never knew when they might come in handy. If I didn't look at her maybe she'd go away. Or maybe my wanting her to stay would go.

“I'm trying to apologize here.” She was scratching at the silver now. I became engrossed in picking miniscule chunks of demon guts off the serrated edge of my favourite knife. “I'm trying, Buffy could you just cut me some slack for once?” I just shrugged; I mean what was the point? What was there to say? Faith had proved to me why sex with her had been my shameful secret. I let her in, she screwed my boyfriend. Same old. Same old.

Except it wasn't just that I had nothing to say, it was knowing that my silence would hurt her the most. Come on, you know Faith hates to be ignored. This is the girl who tells stories of naked alligator wrestling by way of formal introductions. The one who talks loudly in cemeteries about who she's `screwed' and what exactly she did to them. In way explicit detail that could even get the person listening all revved up. If she was, you know, someone whose boyfriend turned murderous if pleasure was of the sexy variety and then had to spend every night getting all sweaty with a hot girl in a graveyard. I mean theoretically.

So anyway, Faith was standing in my doorway all broken, I mean cleavagey, trying to provoke me. But I didn't care anymore. I was sick of being hurt by my stupid fetish for super-strength lovers. I wouldn't trust her. And why were demon guts so gummy anyway?

Our version of Slayer bonding had always been something on the fighting fucking theme. It just seemed kind of pointless now. I could smell the lunch smells coming from the cafeteria. Dawn would be pleased it was mac and cheese Tuesday. It was way easier to think about the cheesy pasta-ey goodness than about the hurting girl in my doorway.

“Why'd you want to lock yourself in your room all week over some pathetic loser B?” I could tell my silence was getting to her. She was trying to needle me. Our fighting could be brutal but we did it well. We were connected - in a warped violent messed up way, but in our world that counts, right? I don't like to think about it, but what I can piece together from flippant comments she makes about her childhood, being thumped and called names was an improvement on being ignored. I think the only time her mom spent with Faith involved venting her drunken rage. Sorry, saying that makes me cry. I think of Toby and how vulnerable he is and I imagine Faith at the same age. Stealing her mom's cigarettes; because when you're being thrashed with a belt and called `the foetus I should have aborted,' at least you know you exist. And I'm crying because I'm ashamed. I felt it then too; that even a knife in the gut was preferable to acting like she was nothing and I didn't care.

So she tried half-heartedly goading me. But you could tell she didn't even expect a reaction. I guess she wanted me to say it wasn't about Keith. Even if I had dark circles under my eyes, wouldn't leave my room and was still in my PJs mid-afternoon - Faith needed to know I was feeling that way because of her. Little does she know how much air time she gets - even six years on. It's always about her - I'd never give her the satisfaction of knowing that. I wanted to punish her for how much she'd hurt me. I didn't see how my contradicting her in public (so no one would suspect how close we were) and my constant staff room chattering about `the wonders of Keith' had been hurting her. You think maybe she just wanted to be acknowledged?

Faith ended up screaming at me; “It was never about ruining your life like you think Buffy! It was the only way I could get to you.” Then she turned to go and quietly added; “Get close to you.” She left, closing the door inaudibly behind her.

I looked down at the demon flesh on the knife in my hand. And I remembered. Her blood on another knife grasped in my trembling fingers. I just need to try and breathe for a moment. Ok. I realized then; for Faith, when my knife carved at her insides, it was a high point in our interactions. She'd had my full attention.

And that's when I got it, you know? I'd been so wrapped up in her betrayal of me; I could shut out the pain I'd been causing. But if I cared that Faith was in pain and that I'd caused that pain, it meant that I actually cared. It was way easier to sit there all stoic and hurting. I didn't want to care about someone who'd proved over and over that she wasn't trustworthy, who tried to murder all my friends - actually if that were my caring criteria, I'd have to lose half the Scoobs. I. Did. Not. Want. To. Love. Faith. But maybe I did. It hurt me when I thought about the pain I`d always denied causing her.

Get close to you. Get close to you. The only way. There was a long echo after she left my room. I get that I wasn't exactly known for letting people into my most private places - it's the whole Slayer distancing thing. There's so many of us now, everything's different. But Faith was the one person I could have let close, who `got it.' It's no wonder I get all squirmy and irrational around her.

I got up and was pacing around my room. It wasn't very big, so more like shuffling. I fiddled with the jewellery on my dresser, avoiding my own eyes in the mirror. There was this thought that was inching its way to the surface. A thought I did not want to be having. I sniffed hopefully at the air, but the scent of mac and cheese just wasn't enough. I turned longingly to take one last look at the weapons on my bed. They desperately needed sorting, perhaps even colour coding.

But it was too late. You wanna know what the thought was, don't you? It's so obvious; I was mad at Faith for sleeping with my boyfriend. But I'd betrayed Keith in exactly the same way. I'd been cheating on him with Faith since before he and I even got together. Actually, I guess that means I was cheating on Faith with Keith. Raise your hand if you're entirely unsurprised that the thing I hated Faith for was the exact same thing I'd done to her. I will deny this in public but I'm kinda the queen of the double standard. All those months Faith had been hurting like I had for just three days.

I knew then, I didn't have much time. It was a gut thing, maybe a Slayer instinct or based on what I knew of Faith. I figured that when things got rough for Faith, she bailed. And I hadn't exactly been big with the kindness. There wasn't time to contemplate my relationship history or exactly what I might be feeling for this girl. I had to find her. Who knows what I was feeling - I certainly didn't. But she could not leave. I've lost too many people already. I needed her not to leave.

I didn't really know what to do; my head was all swirly. I needed to find Faith, but wasn't sure why. My emotions were changing faster than Ben to Glory and Glory to Ben; I was furious with her, worried about her and then wondering what she'd meant. Let alone not knowing what it was I wanted from her. So I ran to her room and thought I caught a glimpse of her from the window. So I ran to the sun drenched sparring courts. It had been a trick of the light. No Faith. I was unusually breathless and my heart was all Riley-on-drugs racy. I ran into Dawn, as in literally collided with, as I sprinted down the corridor. She was all;

“Don't worry Buffy I'm ok. Are you? How have you been?”

And I was all white rabbity and, “can't stop now Dawn. Have to find Faith.” I just pushed past her and continued my dash around every corner of the building. I wasn't sure why this was so important. It just was. By this point, it was getting to be 4pm, and I wondered which bars were open, for me to search. I ran out to the `sweeping marble staircase signifying the main entrance to our hallowed Academy' - I snagged that from the school brochure. I found Faith sitting on the top step. Beside her was a large army tote.

I slid onto the cool stone beside her, taking her hand in mine. It felt strange - partly because her hands were softer than you'd expect Faith's hands to be, but also `cos we didn't do stuff like that. We'd exchanged thousands of bruises in bed and battle, yet holding her hand I felt all trembly on the inside. I was able to keep my hand from shaking - I'd have been mortified if it had. It sounds silly I know, but it was almost too intimate. I tried to continue our conversation, but she refused. Faith actually looked kinda sad, and was clearly about to leave. I'd always seen myself as the victim of Faith's games, still do I suppose. But I'd been the one being all do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200 gamey and messing with her head. So I told her I was sorry for how I'd been manipulating her with sex. She didn't even respond with a crude joke. I felt all icky `cos I'd been toying with her and even, God slash goddess, I hate myself…enjoying it. I'm horrible aren't I?

“Have you thought of your witty comeback yet?”

“I didn't come here to fight with you Faith.”

“Fighting's what we do B, if we can't do that, what will we do?”

“I can think of a few things.”

“Buffy, I'm trying to be serious here.”

“Hold on, are you criticizing me for talking about sex and for not fighting with you more? I'm confused. Are you ill?” I felt her forehead. “Faith you're burning up”

She rolled her eyes at me but mischief was threatening to dip her dimples at any moment. I apologised to her. Then I asked; “What do you need?” I wanted her to feel better, to stay. I wondered desperately if there was anything I could do or say to change things.

Faith, stared out at the tree lined driveway. She'd be leaving soon. Where would she go? Very quietly she said; “This.” She held up her hand, fingers closely intertwined with mine. “That's all.”

She couldn't leave! That was all I knew. I didn't know what I'd want tomorrow or in an hour. I just couldn't stand the thought of Faith abandoning me. So we sat there, not speaking, just holding hands. I could still hear the sound of girls arguing in the distance. A lot of shouting, and then laughing, about whose turn it was to bat in Junior Slayers' Softball League. But it was the first time there was tranquillity around us. Even though we were both hurting, we found a moment of stillness, sitting there, together.

You see, it's not like Faith's all to blame in all of this. You see now how badly I behaved, right? I can't just bail on her. I know she doesn't always treat me the way she should. But, it's not like I was all hearts and flowers in the beginning. After that I had to deal with my own feelings about dating a girl. Nobody else here seemed to bat an eyelid. Actually, that's not quite true. They all had issues with me dating Faith. They just didn't care that she was a woman.
Maybe we can talk about this more tomorrow. I need to check on Faith before I pick up Toby from class.

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