Chapter Five

Moving and Changing

Faith thinks she'll break Toby. To be honest, I'm way more concerned about Faith breaking. Avoiding Toby means she ends up avoiding me. I share his room every night so there hasn't been much space for her and me. You see, bed's where all the bonding happens; either we're having sex or I'm soothing her dreams. I try to make time for us, Faith and me that is, but she even bailed on the Friday tournament this week. I miss her.

It used to be that I'd open my door to her at 3am post-slay. Wordlessly and within seconds she'd have me up against the wall sucking and biting at my neck, her hands everywhere. All the spark and confidence that is Faith. But it's the moment as she's about to come when I know this isn't just a fuck for her. Even though we don't speak during these exchanges, momentarily her defences come down and the look we exchange holds the power, love, intensity and Goddamn hotness of everything between us. Of course once it's over, ok it's rarely over until a couple of orgasms later - we are Slayers, she's back in her room within minutes. I used to cry every time. She teases me, but I like to be held. She tries. I know she wants to do that for me. But it's too much for her after being so exposed in the moments before. And being held doesn't feel so good when you know she's counting the minutes `til she can be out of there. We've compromised - really. She gives me a quick hug and usually says; “Thanks Babe” before returning to her room next door. God, I miss her.

Toby's been here a while now so Giles had been muttering about assigning Toby to a programme track; watcher, warlock, demonology expert or regular academic. The kid is ten years old for goodness sakes! Giles and Robin called him in for a meeting. They were sitting around the shiny antique table in Giles' office. Toby's so small for his age, his feet didn't even touch the ground and he was peeping nervously over the table top at them. I found out about this after the event, I mean, hello? I'm his official legal guardian. I should be privy to ridiculous conversations about his ten year old life path and career goals. Honestly Giles should know better, and I told him so.

After that meeting I took Toby along for movie night with Will and Xander. We still do that from time to time and Toby's a great excuse for junk food snacks and kids' movies. Ok, we so don't need an excuse but we like him there with us. That night we didn't watch any movies. Toby was a little freaked from the formal across the table conversation with Giles and Robin. So, we told him some stories about the old days with Giles the stuffy librarian who it turned out had quite a past. I told him about the whole playing guitar thing and the band-candy scary teenage regression thing - minus the sex with my mother part. Yeucch! By the time I told him about being able to read people's minds and hearing what Giles said about my shoes he was clutching his sides chuckling on the floor and Xander was choking on popcorn remembering.

Anyhow, his chat with the men in charge - they so wish they were in charge! They quizzed Toby about his interests and asked him what he wants to be when he grows up and he said; “Faith.” You look surprised. Well, let me tell you, not as shocked as they were. Toby got all huffy with them. Robin apparently snorted and Toby refused to even look at him for days. I thought he was gonna have to buy a lot of candy to build some bridges. But a week later I saw Toby and Robin walking the perimeter of the grounds together. Robin told Toby that he'd also seen his mother killed by a vampire when he was a kid. He neglected to mention which vampire, but I'm glad he tried to build a connection with Toby. Robin still doesn't get why anyone would want to be like Faith.

You see Toby adores Faith. None of us understand why. Obviously I get why someone would adore Faith, she's all I ever tell you about. But what I don't get is why Toby adores Faith. She's been horrible to him! This has put a serious axe through the heart of my deluded fantasies about her and I having a family of some kind together, one day. Faith's not exactly cuddly bedtime story girl.

She won't even use Toby's name; “Hey B, I'll take you out on the town. You'll have to lose the kid for the night.” She said this in front of Toby. I took his hand and walked away. He kept looking back at Faith with these big expressionless eyes.

But Toby has had this thing for Faith since day one. See, he and I are scarily alike; we understand each other. If Faith says she's getting a coke from the cafeteria, Toby says; “I'm really thirsty. Can I come?” She'll say “there's a water fountain over there buddy.” Before she skulks off. She's not happy with me either. Even though she says it's all “five by five.” She avoids Toby like he's a truth demon or something and is not happy that he is in our lives and taking up so much of my time. I feel guilty about it too because since Toby arrived Faith's inevitable journey to self-destruction has sped up faster than Initiative-boyfriend-carrying-helicopters. I was feeling all conflicted about it until Cordelia spoke to me. Yeah you actually heard me right. She may have changed since the days of Queen C and the cheerleader squad. You never knew her did you? Well one thing you could always say about Cordy; she'll tell you the truth no matter how harsh. One evening she approached with her silent apparition footsteps just as Faith made a snarky comment and stomped off. I'd just told her I couldn't go dancing because I'd promised I'd help Toby with his homework. Cordy stood behind me as I watched Faith walk away; “You're doing the right thing Buffy. Those words do sound weird coming out of my mouth, but it's true. You can't save someone who doesn't want saving. Toby you can actually help. He needs you.”

“Faith does too.”

“If my time as a Higher Power taught me anything,” she loves to throw that into conversation, “it's that we can only help people who allow themselves to be helped.”

“I thought the motto was `we help the helpless?'”

“Well, you know; the helpless who really want to be helped. But that wouldn't sound so catchy on Angel's business cards. The point is that you're making a real difference in Toby's life. His aura has lightened since you've been taking care of him.” Then she sneered and said; “Don't look at me like that Buffy. They may not have come in little blue boxes but I've developed a few gifts since high school.”

I looked around, shrugged, and said; “I thought we were still there.” But reluctantly I have to admit she's right. I won't stop reaching out to Faith. There are years to make up for and I, you know, love her and stuff. But I put Toby first now. It shouldn't be a conflict. I care about both of them, but she won't be around Toby. He, on the other hand, wants to tag along wherever Faith goes.

So, she was on her way to deal with the grade nine slime demon, which Toby had been itching to see anyway. She was walking faster and faster to try and lose him. As Toby kept trotting along behind her Faith grumbled; “I always wanted a dog. Instead the Powers send me some lousy kid to follow me around like a little lost puppy.”

Later that night, I offered to show Toby the slime demon, but he was only interested if it meant joining Faith on her expedition. He stopped flipping through his comic book. “B?” he asked. Yep, that's what he calls me. Anything to be like her, God help us. Up to now she's the only one who's ever called me that. “Why does Faith hate me?” Ouch! It's taken years of stabbing, cheating, comas and apocalypses but now I'm kinda used to the mixed messages. Toby on the other hand is only ten. He's also been through hell. Not actual hell but it might as well have been. I know how much Faith's abrasive, disinterested veneer can hurt. Poor Toby.

I decided to tell him the truth. “Sweetie, she blames herself for what happened to your parents.” I was tentative saying all this because he never mentions any of that. “She got there just a tiny bit too late. Faith thinks it's her fault.”

“So she's mean to me?” He didn't look confused, just curious.

“I think she finds it difficult to be around you because she feels guilty. A long time ago, I reminded her of something she'd done. It was an accident but she blamed herself. Still does. Every time she saw me she felt guilty and remembered the awful thing.”

Toby looked down at the pictures of some kind of superhero attacking another (those things are way too realistic.) He was still staring at the page but it didn't seem like he was seeing it. “I remind Faith of stuff?” I nodded. “Bad stuff?” He seemed oblivious when I took his hand.

“Tobes, are you ok? We don't have to talk about this.”

His forehead got all crinkled like when he's concentrating hard on beating Andrew at Uno. “Faith feels bad because she didn't save my parents?” I nodded again. “I think I want to go to sleep now.” He wouldn't let me sit with him `til he fell asleep. I hope I didn't do the wrong thing being so blunt about everything.

Faith is devastated about what she did, or didn't do. She hasn't said so but I know her well enough. It's like all these years she's been seeking redemption and now here she is again blaming herself for something which either all of us or none of us are responsible for. It's like everything she did to make things right in her life and in the world no longer counts. That's why she can't even look at Toby. This hurts for me to even say. She feels like a murderer again. Can we take a break? I'll be back soon, I just need a moment.

Sorry about before. Where was I? Faith and Toby. I thought of moving him into my room, but they'd hear one another's nightmared screams. I don't think any of us could deal with that. You know, I found out about Faith's dreams by accident.

Hers is the last room on the corridor. You see Will and Kennedy initially had my room next door. Sorry, you probably don't wanna hear anything about that do you? I'm not so much with the sensitivity when I'm anxious. Sorry.

Well, this one night a few months after I moved into the school I was all stressed out after another heartfelt call from The Immortal pleading with me to come back. Shame I didn't have a webcam so he could've seen me rolling my eyes. But anyway, despite cute flannel PJs it seems the air's cold outside in the middle of the night when you're not slaying. I was making my way round the edge of the quadrant from my old room next to Dawn's in the Wyndham-Price wing. Anyway, I'm so regretting the lack of socks at this point. I was kind of hopping my way over to Faith's room what with it being the middle of the night and all, trying to keep my feet off the freezing cement.

As I pushed open the fire door to their corridor I forgot about how happy my toes were with the warm carpetty goodness, because all I could hear was Faith screaming. Not girly `help me I'm being kidnapped again' sibling screams or `over there Buffy, kill it!' screams but this loud howling terror. I know it's Faith and assume she's being tortured or murdered in the most brutal of ways. I barge into her room fully expecting to find a Slayer possessed by an Ethros demon. But despite her writhing and being all tangled up in her sheets, and not in the fun way, Faith is fast asleep. Her limbs fly at me when I touch her arm, trying to wake her. You have to understand that Faith and I hadn't settled into our dynamic then. You're laughing. Ok, our dynamic is never settled but then, immediately post-Keith we were still skirting around each other. The only time I remember tenderness is kissing Faith's forehead during her first coma. But this time I was trying to wake her. I crouched next to the bed and spoke softly as I stroked her hair; “Faith, it's ok, you can wake up. You're having a bad dream. It's ok.”

And suddenly she was all super alert and the howling had stopped “Wha? Huh? Where? Um, Buffy?”

“Hey.”

Immediately she was all defensive bravado girl. “What's happenin' B? Should've known you'd be lookin' for more late night action!”

How does someone go from utter terror to goading and flirtation within seconds? My fingers were still laced in her hair and I could feel her trembling. I was nervous about how she was going to react to me being affectionate (in a sweet rather than sexy way) in her room at 3am. Laugh at me? Hit me? Seduce me?

“Everything ok B? I heard screaming.”

“That was you Faith, you had a nightmare.”

“Oh.”

“What were you dreaming about?”

“There was this big fuck-off demon. You shoulda seen it B!”

Her screaming had been wordless but I knew she hadn't been dreaming about monsters. I've seen her around demons; she's fearless. And in our Slayer dreams I'm the only one who ever hurts her. I untangle my fingers from her hair and as she describes in vivid incoherent detail just how ferocious this fictitious demon is, I start to unravel the sheets from around her body. “Sounds nasty Faith.”

“Oh, it was B!”

“Mind if I hang out here a while? I can't sleep. No problem if you want to, I just don't feel like being alone.” That was true. But I also didn't want to leave Faith alone and knew she'd rather die than ask.

“Ok. I guess. I knew you couldn't resist my hot bod much longer.”

I roll my eyes, then nudge her; “Move over.”

So I climbed into her single bed, stroking the curls back from her clammy face. And Faith being Faith, she leaned over, snaking her tongue into my mouth as she kissed me. When I pulled away she turned toward the wall freaked out by everything. I kissed her very lightly on the cheek and whispered in her ear; “It's not about that. Not tonight. I just wanna be here with you.” I wasn't sure how long she'd let me do it but I curled my body around hers. Damp from sweat, the faded black t-shirt clung to her back and she shook for a long time. I knew that at some point she started crying. I couldn't let on that I knew. I mean, she's Faith. I just held her and told her everything was going to be ok and she was safe even from big scary demons. I guess we lay like that for about an hour. I mean, Faith was almost still for an hour. Weird huh? As I was drifting off, Faith said in her regular Faith voice; “Your feet are fucking freezing B!”

Up went the walls. I took that as my cue to leave. She touched my hand lightly as I was getting out of bed and said `'night Buffy.” That's as close as you ever get to `thank you' with Faith, and it's enough for me.

A few hours later, when I went into breakfast, Faith was attacking a stack of pancakes, which were threatening to topple. On my way to grab some juice, I ruffled her hair. She looked at me and said; “What's up with you B? You're acting weird.” It hurt like it did every time.

I pulled her aside on patrol that night, I could still see the junior Slayers from where we were standing, see, I'm all about the responsibility. “Faith, are you ok? You know, after last night?”

“Huh?” Like she didn't remember! “Oh, you mean the demon nightmare? Yeah `course, it was only a dream B, everything's five by five.” Her saying that usually signals impending disaster.

I gently touch her arm and the leather of her jacket is all smooth and soft. It kinda made me want to stand there all day and stroke her. “Do you dream like that often?”

“Nah. First time it's happened. To be expected really since you moved here. Nightmares all round.”

She's impossible to talk to when she's like that. The thing is, she was kind of right. I can see you think I'm crazy. But I'm pretty sure her nightmares started after that day she nearly left the Academy. Intimacy issues. Which I myself know nothing about, oh no I'm all about the commitment and getting close. Don't laugh! That day on the steps, it's not like there were big declarations of love but for us it was all significant.

Everything's secret and illicit with us. After the day she nearly left, I was more open about my interest in Faith. Everyone was all concerned but they still rolled their eyes and were like; “Duh! Finally!” But with no one knowing about her nightmares it's like we'd moved from secret sex to secret intimacy. Again it's something hidden and private, only we knew. It meant it never felt real and neither of us had to address the whole `it's more than just sex, we have feelings for each other' thing.

I was still getting my bearings being back from Europe; adjusting to another home on another Hell Mouth. With so much of the slaying taken care of, I found myself at a loss at night. So I'd wander the quadrant - in shoes and socks I might add. I wanted to familiarize myself with the shadows and the energy of the place. If anything decided to attack our beautifully centralized target, I mean demon-fighting operation, I'd know. It was weird not being in charge. You know how much the responsibility got to me in Sunnydale, but as Xander says; `Slayers really are a dime a dozen now.' I still liked to patrol the school at night. One time I broke up a secret society practicing unlawful magic. I've even confiscated a couple of Orpheus syringes. I don't want that stuff anywhere near this place. Ever. But I'd always make sure I walked by Faith's room a bunch of times. I hated thinking of her alone with the nightmares. One time, she'd locked her door. I kicked the lock off and was by her side before the second round of screaming began.

It was around then, about eight months after we got here, that Willow and Kennedy split, and about time! Anyway following the whole `Kennedy is spoilt and irritating' realisation, Willow wanted to change rooms so she wasn't sleeping in the place where it had all gone horribly wrong between them. There weren't any double rooms available, so I, as her best friend ever there in her time of need, offered to swap rooms. After Dawn and Connor got together, I had less need (or desire - I mean who wants to hear your little sister getting it on with the son of your ex?) to be next door. Anya calls Dawn and Connor the `co-dependent twins.' They `get' each other; being a mystical key, growing up in a hell dimension, being in the shadow of supernatural relatives and existing despite the laws of the natural world; this is the stuff great relationships are made of. I shouldn't smirk, they're as happy as two people with their pasts (or lack thereof) can be and they've outlasted any of my relationships.

Where was I? Oh right, moving rooms. Well let's just say it was a convenient coincidence that Will's old room was next door to Faith's.

When I was moving in Willow told me about the soundproofing spell which suddenly explained why she'd never mentioned Faith's screaming. Will offered to leave the spell but I declined emphatically and refused to tell her why. I think she's assumed it was because I wanted to check up on who Faith brought home and what she was up to. Actually that's the only drawback to the room. I'd never tells anyone (apart from you obviously) about Faith's nights. I couldn't betray her like that.

So, I was trying to talk to Faith again; see how she was doing and maybe coax her into being a little more pleasant toward Toby. I saw her from across the courtyard picking up a double sided axe. I started running to catch up but held back for a while. I could tell by the way she was walking that she was pissed. As I got closer I could hear her grumbling about irresponsible Slayer sprogs leavin' their weapons lyin' around for someone to step on or use against them. She was swinging the axe at her side and I assumed she'd sense my presence soon enough. I followed her onto a corridor lined with classrooms and windows facing onto the quadrant.

Halfway down the corridor beside a curtain, I saw Faith stop mid stride. I paused; even from a few feet away I could hear a faint whimpering fast becoming sobs. The drape retrieved from the home of Quentin Travers, completed Giles' mission to recreate the window seat where he took solace during his own boarding school days. He'd scattered a couple of cushions with a small stack of books beside them, in the hopes it would be all inspirey for the students. I've never seen anyone sit there, but it's always looked like a comfy spot. The sobs grew louder and more frequent. I knew whose they were but hesitated, to see what Faith would do. She leaned the axe against the wall of the corridor and astounded me by slipping behind the curtain.

It was a struggle to walk away, but I went to find Dawn. I needed to be distracted as all I wanted to do was listen in. Fortunately, both of them told me what happened, in the end.

Before she pulled back the curtain, Faith also knew who was sobbing. Toby was sitting with his arms around his legs, crying into his knees. Silently Faith seated herself parallel with the window; back against the wall. She pulled Toby between two bent, denim clad, army booted legs. She actually put her arms round him. Ms. I-Don't-Hug-Cuddle-and-Hold leant down and whispered into his ear; “Hey Kid, I've got ya. I've got ya.” He just shook and sobbed for a very long time. Faith sat there distraught and guilty, just holding onto Toby and began speaking into his hair; the same stuff she says to me after a particularly bad nightmare; “God, I'm so sorry Kid. I'm so sorry. I should've saved them. If I'd been one minute earlier I could've saved them. I'm sorry. If it wasn't for me your parents would still be alive. You'd still be living with them.”

“I know.” Toby's voice was all quiet and tearful. Tentatively he asked her; “Faith? Do you think I'm bad?”

If Toby had been facing her, he'd have seen the incredulous look she gave him. “What the fu…, I mean, what?” Faith tried to compose herself, in as much as Faith is ever composed. “Of course not! Kid, why would I think you were bad?”

He'd stopped crying by then but even with Slayer hearing his voice was barely audible. “My parents told me I was.”

“You mean like when you misbehaved and stuff? I bet you were a little tearaway weren't ya?” Faith roughly ruffled his hair in a big brotherly way.

“Yeah. I was really bad.”

“So you know all about want take have do you? Tell me about the stuff you got up to.”

“Sometimes I wouldn't eat all my broccoli.”

Faith was confused; almost disappointed; she'd been keen to exchange stories of mischievous exploits. She also couldn't remember there being food in the fridge at her house or imagine why it would be a big deal to eat or not eat some vegetable. She said she also had that snaky feeling in her gut, like when she knows even though she can't see or hear him, that there's a vamp behind the next crypt; “Huh? You should've seen the messed up stuff I got up to. You got in trouble for broccoli?” Toby nodded. Faith started to think there might actually be a dozen or so vamps waiting behind that crypt. “What kinda trouble we talking here?”

“Nothing bad. They just locked me in my room for a week that time. But they wouldn't let me eat anything `cept broccoli the whole time.” He made a gagging sound and shuddered; “I hate broccoli.”

Even if it was the last thing she wanted to do, Faith was a Slayer and she had a duty to confront vampires behind crypts; “Kid, that's seriously messed up, of them. What else did they do?”

“Nothing bad. I mean, I was a really bad son. I deserved it.”

“No Kid. No you didn't.” Faith said it seriously screwed with her brain saying that to an actual kid when that's how she'd felt about herself her whole life.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I show you something?”

“Is there slime or mucus involved?”

Toby just tapped her knee and when she looked over his shoulder he'd pulled down his sock revealing a collection of cigarette burns on his ankle. “Is this normal? Buffy. She doesn't do this to kids, right?”

“'course not, Buffy saves people, she'd never do anything like that.” As she recounted this afterwards Faith's hand was clasped over the scar in her gut.

Faith tapped Toby on the shoulder. He turned round as she twisted her neck, pulling at the collar of her t-shirt to reveal a similar array of burn marks on her right shoulder blade. Toby's eyes were wide; “But who'd do that to you? You're a Slayer.” He said the word with such reverence. We've taught him well.

“I wasn't always a Slayer, Kid. My Mom and her lousy boyfriends beat on me too. But it's not normal! You got that?” Toby nodded, completely bemused that something like this had happened to Faith. Toby lifted the side of his t-shirt showing her the permanent welts around his hip. “Your parents were bastards. No offence Kid, but they were.” Toby started to cry. “Jeez, I always do this. Sorry Kid, I'm just not so great at keeping my mouth shut. It's ok if you miss them; they were still your folks, right?” Toby cried harder. Faith had no clue what to do; with nothing to pound into or destroy she was at a loss.

“Faith, I am bad.”

“Nah, that's just part of the bull…lies they told ya.”

“I'm bad inside.” Then he knelt in front of Faith and softly whispered into her hair; “I think I might be happy they died.”

“For real?”

He nodded. “I should be sad but I'm glad you didn't save them. I thought when they hurt me it was what all parents do at home when no ones sees. But Buffy isn't like that. You're not like that. Mr. Giles and Mr. Wood are stupid.” Faith high fived Toby. “But they don't hit kids. Anya's weird but she's not mean.”

Faith reassured him it was ok to feel relieved his parents were gone. She actually did a pretty good job of saying the right kind of stuff to him. As she walked him to his room, he took her hand. She let him; “It's just this once `cos of our matching tatts right?” She patted her shoulder blade. “Don't be expecting no mushy stuff. That's B's thing.”

Toby burst into his room saying; “Buffy! Me and Faith got matching tatts!”

“Faith let you get a TATTOO?” I admit I kinda screeched.

He pulled down his sock to show me. I bit my lip. Then he told me about the matching one Faith has on her back. “I think me and Faith are five by five now Buffy.”

“Oh really?” I shook my head. “God help us!”

So, I got him ready for his vacation with Dawn and Connor. It was only overnight but he was super excited because he'd never been on vacation and also because they totally spoil him. Dawnie says she and Connor have so many implanted childhood memories between them that they want to give Toby real ones. When I hugged and kissed him goodbye he said; “I can't be doing with no mushy stuff B.” I tell you, Faith has hell to pay - when I find her.

So, at 3am there I was in my PJs prowling the school for Faith, as per usual. I suspected where she might be and figured by then she'd had enough alone time. So I pushed aside the curtain and climbed into the window seat behind her, the way she'd sat with Toby.

She slouched down leaning her head back against my shoulder. “I don't get it B. Why do people do shit like that? To kids. He should never have had to go through that.”

I was hesitant about making the connection for her, but it needed to be said; “And neither should you.”

“And neither should I.” She said the words tentatively, almost as a question, like she was trying them on for size. “You think?”

“I know.” I held her closer to me.

“Kid said he was glad I didn't save his parents. I thought I'd fucked up - again, worse than ever this time. But I didn't.”

“You may have done him a favour.” I growled.

“Yeah.” She echoed my anger. “My mom, she fucked up.”

“Yeah.”

“And all my so-called uncles. They fucked up too.”

“Yeah!”

“I've been hating myself worse than ever `cos I let Kid's parents get mauled, but maybe I saved Kid `cos of that.” Faith sighed. “B, what if some of the other stuff I thought made me bad was actually other people fucking up? I don't mean the killin' people thing.”

“Finch was an accident Faith.”

“Not the others though.”

“I guess.” I needed that not to be who she was now. I wanted her to be good.

“But I mean from before. Kid thinks he's bad inside. What the fuck? I dunno B; this stuff is messing with my head. But what if I was never bad inside, until the killing? What if it was them who screwed with my life an' not me causin' everything?”

Finally. Thank the Powers or anyone or thing else that had a hand in this. Finally. “That's the truth.”

“Also, I think maybe I'm not like her.”

“Who?”

“My mom. I just have this thing inside where I wanna keep Kid safe. I don't think my mom had that about me. Jeez, I'm not gonna give up booze or nothing B but I don't wanna be like her.”

Faith pulled away and took off her t-shirt. She was braless, what with it being the middle of the night and all. “Faith, I know this is heavy stuff but it's so not the time…” She was still sat between my knees and pulled her hair round in front of her left shoulder. Then she reached over her right shoulder blade pointing out the cluster of cigarette burns.

“When I was eleven and Mom was pissed that I didn't bring beer home from the store. She told me to stop makin' excuses when I told her I was a minor and they wouldn't sell it to me.”

They were faint in the dim light from the quadrant but she leaned forward so I could touch the place. Then she prodded her lower back, feeling around for the bump in the skin's texture. I replaced her fingers with mine on the spot. She showed me a couple other marks on her back I'd seen countless times before of course, but we'd never mentioned them. I touched my fingers over all the places, familiarising myself with these new parts of her. When I kissed her on the first scar; she froze. Her skin goosebumped along her arms but I continued until I'd touched my lips to all the places she'd shown me as she cried quiet `I'm a Slayer, I don't need no one' tears. I kept her close, all shirtless and exposed, until that moment in the day which belongs to us.

When the sky starts to lighten and vampires trample dew in retreat from becoming deep fried fang. We punch out of the graveyard swinging our dusty stakes. Then laugh, tease and chatter away the walk home totally pumped from a long night of slaying.

But indoors, our mood was sombre. We stirred simultaneously as the mist in the quadrant became clear - in a misty way. She replaced her t-shirt and uncharacteristically slowly we walked back to our rooms. Heart racing, I took her hand. We don't do that. I even allowed myself to hope, just for the duration of that walk, that maybe she'd allow me to share her bed, but she dropped my hand and without even making eye contact let herself into her own room.

I thought that night was a breakthrough. It was for Faith. It may just be the thing that stops her one way ticket to destructive Slayerville. But I thought it was a breakthrough for `us.' She'd opened up; actually confided in me and been, you know, vulnerable. She was simultaneously conscious, sober and awake the whole time. But since then she won't look at me and all conversation is `five-by-five-wicked-cool.' She's quieter now though. She spends a lot of time alone on long walks, just her and her shadow - Toby. I've been all about the Faith-Toby bonding. I just wish Faith wanted to be close to me. I guess it's easier in the dark.