Chapter 42- Slowly, I Turn
I grab on to Alicia and teleport us in to the apartment.
Fuck, I haven’t been here in weeks, I didn’t realize how much I missed it.
When I get my bearin’s, I notice Buffy smackin’ Parker who’s tied to a chair.
“I thought you were pregnant,” He sneers at her. “Shame you lost it. Probably for the best though, with you and your bitch as mothers it would have been another little whore.”
I let the anger course through me but I know better than to lash out in a situation like this, Buffy’s in control of it and he’d only use my reaction to his advantage.
Buffy bends down and pulls his head back by his hair, talkin’ real close to his face.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but my ‘little whore’ as you put it, will grow up strong and beautiful, just like my ‘bitch’, so go fuck yourself Parker, you’re not getting inside my head this time. Sad to say, but you’re the loser in this scenario, your plan didn’t work.”
“We got your bitch’s father, and we blew up your operation.”
“You blew up a building, that’s easily fixed.”
“Can’t rebuild your friend,” Parker cries out ‘cause B just pulled his hair harder, but he manages to laugh it off. “Not even the kings horses, or the kings men can put Humpty Slayer together again.” He laughs out loud.
Still, I don’t move from my spot. I’m only here for back up.
“Yes, we lost a friend, but we’re slayers, we know we’re only here on borrowed time. Even so, we’ve made lives that you can only hope to live. Your un-dead life is about to end by the way, any last requests?”
“Kill me quickly, I can’t stand your face. Even when I was fucking you in college, I was picturing someone else. Why did you think I never wanted seconds?”
‘Cause you’re a fuckin’ idiot. I want to rip his head off his shoulders with my bare hands.
Buffy stands up and walks towards me. She pulls me close and looks in deeply into my eyes.
“Do you think she’ll want to do this alone?”
I’m puzzled for a second and then it dawns on me, “Let’s ask her.” I smile.
Buffy nods at Taylor, the wicca that came with Buffy and suddenly Willow’s head materializes in mid-air.
“You guys found him? Cool, I’ll be right there.”
A split second later and her head becomes solid and her body comes in view. Fuckin’ Will with the skills, shit, it’s awesome to watch.
“He’s all yours, Will. He wants it done quickly.”
“That can be arranged.” She smirks. “But won’t be happening.” She walks around him as if sizin’ him up. “No, I figured out a way to make him pay for every life he’s taken that wasn’t his to take.”
“Hell dimension?”
“Something like that,” Will gets out this little crystal ball lookin’ thing. Fuck, it’s a snow globe. “He’ll be put in here, and when you shake it up he dusts, and the dust makes it look like it’s snowing. But then he’s back together again. Like Humpty Slayer.”
Wow, dude, that’s kinda clever, but really weird. And she heard that little dig from Parker, he’s so dead.
“Y-You wouldn’t.” Parker sounds frightened. He must have some snow globe fear or somethin’. I guess he’d be brought back to unlife each time so he’d have to live out his days in that thing, only to be dusted each time someone shakes it.
“I wouldn’t?” Will is really scary soundin’, but it’s fuckin’ awesome, really sexy.
There’s a couple of tense moments and then Will’s arm shoots out from her side and the ropes that are around Parker burn, he doesn’t catch on fire though. His body is levitatin’ off the chair and Will leads him to right in front of Buffy.
“I guess I wouldn’t after all.” She drops her arm and he stands right in front of B, who drops the stake she’s holdin’ in his chest. And then he’s dust.
“Well, that was fun.” Will says putting away her stuff.
That ending was kinda anti-climactic, but shit, we’re not a real flashy operation if we don’t hafta be, we just get the job done and move on. Was kinda lookin’ forward to torturin’ him a bit, but I shouldn’t look forward to that kinda shit anymore.
Seems like B and Will were a team in this one.
“Did you guys have this planned?” I ask.
“Nope, we just improvised.” Buffy says.
“I guess if you know someone long enough, or if you connect with them really well, you know how they’re gonna react to a certain situation.” Will shrugs.
“We could have played with him a little more, but none of that matters, what matters is we got him.” B looks at Alicia. “Thanks for the tip-off.”
“You’re welcome.”
“How long’s he been a vamp?” I ask Alicia.
“For about a year. He was wearing a glamour. It was really good though, I only saw through it last night.”
“How?”
“He was with a petite blonde, and he brought her up here.”
Ugh, my stomach is already turnin’.
I hold up my hand as Alicia’s startin’ to tell us how she saw him take the girl into our room, they started to get busy and he vamped out.
“I can’t hear anymore, I’ll be out on the balcony. I need some air.”
Buffy doesn’t say anything as I pass by her. She knows I need to decompress. Everything just happened so fast, and as much as I loved to get that fuck face, I feel like our fight’s not over, it just hasn’t sunk in yet I guess.
After a few minutes the door to the balcony opens and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
“What’s up, Alicia?”
“You seemed out of sorts, I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”
“That’s nice of you, after fuckin’ with me earlier.”
“Sorry for that, you make me crazy with the mistrust though, you’re just like Giulia.”
“You keep sayin’ that! I’m nothin’ like her, she was a wonderful woman.” I gesture towards the door. “If I’m good at all it’s because of Buffy. It’s because I love her so much that I don’t wanna fuck up again, but I keep feelin’ like I am.”
“You haven’t seen Pam again yet have you?”
“What the fuck is a therapist gonna do for me now?”
“It’s someone neutral to talk to, someone who you don’t really know, who you might feel comfortable with in opening up your feelings about your mother. Someone who you won’t think will be freaked out, or pity you when you tell them what she did.”
I shudder.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s hard for you.”
“What’s hard for me is the fact that you seem to know everything about that, but you didn’t do jack fuckin’ squat about it at the time.”
“I did what I could.”
“What the fuck was that?”
“You never saw that bastard David again did you?”
Oh fuck. Him. Ma’s boyfriend, the one who fuckin’ beat the snot outta her and me and then raped her in front of me.
“She blamed me for that.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, I just couldn’t take what he did.”
“Why didn’t you just get me outta there?”
“I tried to save you all. Kate was a child of the woman I loved…” Shit, I keep forgettin’ how she felt about Gee Gee. How they felt about each other. She’s quiet for a few moments more. “I thought if I got rid of him, if Kate saw what a good life could be like, she’d…”
“She wouldn’t feel the need to sell herself for drugs, huh?”
“Faith, I didn’t know everything that was going on.”
“Why didn’t you come to me and tell me who you were, why didn’t you…”
“You wouldn’t have believed me.”
She’s fuckin’ right, I woulda taken the iron poker from the fireplace and tried to bat her head outta the park. I was pretty fuckin’ good with one of those things, ‘specially as I got older.
“Did you know I was destined to be a slayer?”
“No, not until you were older, about a year before you were called.”
“Was I your assignment?”
“Not officially.”
Fuck, I didn’t need to hear that.
“How many innocent people died while you were watchin’ over me?”
She doesn’t answer. Her silence is my answer.
“Faith, it’s true, I wasn’t supposed to be looking after you. You just sort of…”
“Were a mistake, I get it.”
“No, don’t do that, Faith!”
“Do what, Alicia?” Shit, this is déjà vu.
“Talk like that about yourself, you weren’t a mistake. You’re a wonderful person. You’re going to make an excellent parent.”
“I don’t know about excellent, but I already promised the baby I’d try my hardest.”
“You did, when?”
“Durin’ the ultra-sound.” I take a picture out of my back pocket and look at it before handin’ it over.
“It’s a girl?” She finally whispers with some emotion in her voice, she had been starin’ at it for a while.
“Yeah, looks just like me, don’t it?”
“Exactly like you, but I can see some of Buffy, too.”
“Yeah, the ears, right?” I smile when I think of B’s ears.
“I can see that, but also I think, the chin.”
“But the rest is all me, huh?”
“Definitely.” Alicia smiles big at me and then again at the picture. “She’s going to be a lovely child.”
“Not gonna know what it’s like to not be loved, that’s for sure.” I walk back over to the railing and lean down on it. I like standin’ out here like this.
“You were loved.” Alicia comes over to me and puts her hand on my back. Those vamp alarms scream at me, and I don’t know why but I wanna give in to them.
Maybe I do need to go to therapy. I still feel like killin’ shit is the answer.
Can’t have that when I’m tryin’ to raise a family.
Well, maybe it’s just the undead and demons that I wanna kill. Who’d blame me? ‘Sides, I still don’t know if Alicia really is on my side or not.
I don’t know why I can’t fully trust her.
Maybe it’s because if she loses her soul she’d come after me and my family and then I’d have to waste her. If I don’t get close now and that becomes an eventuality then I don’t have to feel guilty.
Who says I don’t listen to myself?
Heh.
“Let’s go back inside, I wonder what B’s up to.” I straighten up and put my arm around Alicia. She seems surprised at my gesture.
“Ok. Here’s your picture back.”
“Keep it, got a ton, we’re handin’ ‘em out.”
“Technology, eh?”
“Yep, fuckin’ A, huh?” I laugh.
“So, Alicia, you and my grandmother got busy, huh?”
I’ve had a few too many and Buffy’s tryin’ to get me to stop talkin’. She’s pullin’ on my arm but I don’t let her lead me into the other room.
She and Willow were goin’ through stuff, makin’ sure shit’s not bugged and seein’ what Parker might have gotten his dirty hands into, while I drank whatever I could find in my secret stash under the sink. It’s my secret stash not because I’m not allowed to have any, but because I don’t wanna share it. Giles gave me this bottle, it’s was a good year for single malt scotch he said, in fact he gave me two bottles but the other one I already finished.
One thing’s for sure about this place, we’re burnin’ the fuckin’ bed and all the sheets. I’m not sleepin’ on that shit no more. If I’m even gonna stay here anymore. We love it, but I dunno. Havin’ him be here and livin’ in our shit, makes me wanna gag.
“Faith, would you come in the bedroom, please?” Buffy’s strugglin’ to pull my sorry ass in there.
“Yeah, I’d come in the bedroom, in fact I’ve come in the bedroom, in the closet, on that counter in there. Even one time half way out the window. You remember that time?”
“Why’d you get drunk?” Buffy’s all irritated and I know I’m in the shit now. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothin’, B. I’m doin’ some celebratin’! Can’t I do some celebratin’?” I stop fightin’ her and pull her to me. “Mmmm you smell real nice, baby. Like home.” I breathe in her scent, it always makes my heart a bit fucked up.
For a second she leans in to me, she likes when I get like this, but she’s on guard ‘cause she knows what I’m capable of when I’m this way. And I hate that she knows that, ‘cause that means I’m a huge asshole when I’m drunk and pissed off for no apparent reason.
“’C’mon, Faith. Why don’t you go sleep it off? Me and Will’ll come get you when it’s time to go.”
“Come with me?” She knows it’s got another meanin’.
“No, Faith, we still have some work to do.” She’s tryin’ to pull out of my grasp and I’m tryin’ to keep her close to me. “Faith, just go sleep it off, baby, you’ll be fine in a couple of hours.”
“I don’t wanna sleep, I want you.”
“Later, ok?”
“No, not ok.” I’m real mad now and my voice shows it. I go to walk away but she pulls me back in and I grab her wrists, breakin’ her hold on me. “Why do I have to jump when you say so?!”
“W-what?” She’s stunned at my abruptness and attitude.
“Faith!” Willow yells. “Let her go!” She can see Buffy strugglin’ to get her hands out of my grasp.
So, I do what I’m told, like a good puppy. And like the asshole I am, Buffy wasn’t ready for me to do that so her hand smacks herself in the face.
What happens next is like a dream. I’m bound by Will’s mystical chains and Buffy’s standin’ there stunned holdin’ her cheek. She looks like she wants to go find the stake she used on Parker and come dust me, too.
Fuck, I’m such a douche.
“Buffy, I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you’re sober now, huh, Faith?”
She goes over to the single malt goodness I’ve got on the coffee table and throws it up against the wall.
“Will, get me out of here.”
“No, Buffy, please don’t go, I’m sorry. I…”
Fuck, I don’t know what to say. I don’t wanna sound like one of those wife beaters who says all the shit the woman wants to hear.
How in the hell did I let this happen?
“I just need to be away from you for a little while, Faith. I think you need to think things over by yourself.”
No, I want to think them over with her, but I don’t wanna beg. I should though, I should beg at her feet for the rest of my life.
Just like my mom used to make me do.
“I think I need you to help me, B.”
“I’ll help you, but you have to help yourself first. You’re all over the place! One minute you’re all sweetness and good intentions and the next you’re sucking down bottles of scotch and trying to pull my arms off.”
I didn’t realize I was pullin’ her that hard.
“Why don’t you sleep here and I’ll go back to the house, then you can call me tomorrow.”
“Ok, B, sure. That sounds ok.” No it really doesn’t but I suck it up. Don’t wanna be screamin’ at her or bawlin’ like a baby, so I just say what sound right. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you.” Maybe I did just a little and that’s why I’m not fightin’ for her to stay.
“I know,” She comes up to me and kisses my cheek. I can’t hold her ‘cause I’m in the bindings still. She leans up and whispers in my ear. “I love you, but you need to work things out for yourself, Faith. You’ve been skirting around the issue for a while now, and I let you because you had just come out of a coma and then we were on a mission. You need to solve it now though. I won’t have another scene like tonight. Not with Junior on the way.” She pats at her stomach and I wanna cry. I fucked up.
Again.
“I’ll make that appointment I’ve been meanin’ to with Pam first thing tomorrow.”
“Why not email her tonight? She responded pretty quickly the last time.”
“You’re right.” I give her a kiss of my own on her cheek. Will lets the binds go and I’m thankful to her. I hold my arms in front of me, linkin’ my hands together, I’m not sure what to do with them. “Talk to you tomorrow?”
“Absolutely, call me when you can.” She gives me one more kiss to the cheek and then walks over to the couch, she waits until Will’s ready to teleport them outta here. She looks at Alicia, then nods and then just like that she, Will and Taylor are gone.
I look over at Alicia and sigh a huge sigh.
“You’re surprised she acted that way?”
“No, I’m surprised you’re still here.” Fuck, I just can’t stop bein’ an asshole to her, it’s like I’m my mother and she’s me.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You promised Buffy you’d stay, huh?”
“How did you know?”
“Just ‘cause I can’t hear what you say to her in her head, don’t mean I can’t see it written on her face.”
“You two have a great bond.”
“We did until tonight.” I sigh again and sit on the couch with my head in my hands.
“Don’t talk like that, she’s not going to leave you over this.”
“This is just one of the many fucked up nights in our relationship courtesy of me.”
“She hasn’t ever, as you say, ‘fucked up’?”
“She has, but not as much as me.”
“You’re in a real relationship, it’s not going to be all wonderful all the time.”
“Why can’t I just…”
“Be someone you’re not?”
I pick up my head from my hands and look at her like the smart ass I am, “Stop hurtin’ her, I was gonna say.”
“She was stunned more than hurt by that accident just before, you didn’t mean for her to hit herself. You didn’t haul off and slap her.”
“I mean in general. She’s got a pregnancy that’s runnin’ fuckin’ off the rails, she was nuts for a couple of months while I was in my coma…”
“If you’re going to think of things that way, you endured a building explosion because of someone she dated in college.”
“Someone who hooked up with a kid and his sister from my past.” I chuckle ‘cause I just threw a wrench in her shit.
“He sought them out because they were connected to you, because you were with her.”
Shit, I didn’t think of that. I go quiet for a while.
“Hey, speakin’ of Bobby, we’ve still gotta look for him. Where’s he been?”
“He turned up in the East River this morning.”
“Lemme guess, he wasn’t practicin’ his rowin’ for the Olympics.”
She shakes her head.
“Parker had a fondness for dumpin’ bodies in the water, huh?” I ask.
“Yes, no weights, he wanted them found.”
“He loved to send messages.”
She nods.
“What was with Moscow?”
“From what we can guess it was a distraction, and Bobby wanted to go big.”
“I guess burnin’ down our clubhouse when we were kids wasn’t big enough for him.”
“I guess not.” She looks uneasy. Damn, I wonder if she was watchin’ me that day.
That’s fuckin’ freaky to me.
“My guardian Alicia, what would I’ve done without ya?”
She sighs, she’s got stuff to say but she won’t.
I have a feelin’ she did a lot of shit to protect me, and feels guilty that she couldn’t do more. Hindsight’s a mother fucker.
Again, we go quiet for a while.
“Are you going to email Pam?” She says after some throat clearin’.
I stretch out my arms and legs before I get up off the couch. “Yeah, I guess I better go do that.”
When I’m in the room I hear her talkin’ on her phone to someone. I don’t listen in, I don’t really wanna know what she’s sayin’ and to who.
Who. Whom. Fuck it. I’m no scholar, that’s for fuckin’ true.
I email Pam and then decide to change the sheets, I’m not sleepin’ on the fuckin’ couch. If Alicia’s stayin’ tonight she’s gonna sleep out there. I dunno if she’ll even sleep.
Who the fuck cares?
God, I’m so pissed at myself, and now I’m startin’ to feel sorry for myself.
Never a good thing where I’m concerned ‘cause that only makes me mad, and when I get mad I do stupid things.
After I get the bed all done, I sit at my desk and check my email. Nothin’ from Pam yet. And a fuck load of shit I haven’t even seen yet, it’s been a while, I guess.
As I’m deletin’ all the junk mail my cell rings.
My heart races when I see the display. I dunno how to answer it, and I briefly think of lettin’ it go to voicemail, but then I want to stop bein’ a douche, not keep bein’ one, so I pick it up and try for lighthearted.
“I thought I was supposed to call you tomorrow, is it tomorrow night and I’ve fucked that up, too?”
She laughs and I’m relieved.
“No, I just couldn’t stand not talking to you, and I know what you’d be doing to yourself right now.”
Now, ya see, normally I’d dirty that right up. I’d stretch out on the bed and purr into the phone somethin’ that she’d blush over, somethin’ about what I’m doin’ to myself, but I fucked up, and I can’t just smooth that over with sex talk.
“I was gettin’ pretty down on myself. I’m so sorry, B. I don’t know why I got drunk. Ya know?”
She doesn’t say anything and lets me continue.
“It was like at first I said I was doin’ it ‘cause we just got that fucker, and then I started thinkin’ of Ma, and the shit she used to do. For some reason seein’ Alicia is pissin’ me off.”
“Have you talked to her about it?”
“No. Because what do I say? ‘The sight of you makes me wanna put my fist through your face.’?”
“That does seem a little weird.”
“Not completely weird, it took me a long time to get over wantin’ to end Angel every time I saw him. Even after he saved me.”
“Maybe that’s because you’re the true slayer.”
I laugh out loud, for like a minute.
“Don’t laugh, Faith. It’s true. I died and so maybe my senses are dulled, and your alarm is just going nuts, while mine is just faint.”
I recover enough to talk into the phone without soundin’ like I was bein’ choked.
“Buffy, it doesn’t explain why I can’t control my urge to fuck things up.”
“You have your own way about things, Faith. And true, you sometimes lean towards not trusting or being hostile to someone, but usually your instincts are right.”
“Not about K,” I whisper.
She sighs but continues right away, “She was being mind controlled, you still knew she was being a bitch for no good reason, like everyone else did.”
I look around the room. The bed looks pretty good right now. I sit down and then lay back on it, pullin’ the pillow down and puttin’ it under my head.
“She knew she was gonna die, B, and she wasn’t a pussy about it. She thought of savin’ others. I don’t know if I could be like that.”
She blows the air out from her lungs. “You would do the same thing, exactly the same way,” She gets quiet for a minute. “That’s what scares me to death sometimes.”
I don’t say anything, ‘cause she’s right, and now I’m scared too. I’m scared that between now and when she has the baby that some shit comes up and I gotta save people and die in the process.
Fuck, why couldn’t I just be chosen to be a window washer, or a receptionist? They seem like good things to do for a livin’, ya know? I doubt a receptionist ever thinks of what the next demon that wants to end the world will be like. If they do they know someone who’s a slayer.
“Me too, B.” I confess. “Me too.”
We’re quiet for a bit and I’m not even sure what I’ll say to keep the conversation goin’, but hearin’ her breathin’ is enough for me, mainly ‘cause I fucked up and thought I wouldn’t be hearin’ her at all until later tomorrow.
“Faith?”
“Yeah, B?”
“I asked you a question earlier and…”
I knew it. She was gonna ask if bringin’ a baby into the world was a wise decision. I guess it’s easier for her to do it over the phone, rather than lookin’ me in the face. Still, I’m kinda surprised she’s askin’ this kinda question.
“And you didn’t get to ask it before I assumed you were talkin’ about makin’ love.”
“Yeah, but now I’m sorry for even thinking of the question, and if you’ve figured out what it was I want you to forget it.”
That’s my girl. I let out a huge sigh of relief. Fuck, that makes me realize that I got drunk ‘cause she was havin’ second thoughts of havin’ my baby, even when it was already too late.
“What question?” I laugh to lighten the mood.
She laughs too. “Thanks, but if you did figure it out, I owe you and explanation and an apology.”
“You don’t owe me nothin’, baby.”
“I do, I owe you a lot. So shut up and let me explain.”
I chuckle at her bossiness, but I don’t say nothin’, I let her keep talkin’.
She waits a beat to make sure I’m not gonna say anything.
“Good, what I was thinking was, this life we live, it’s not exactly conventional, but for us it is. For our kids it’ll be all they’ll ever know.”
The ‘kids’ is not lost on me, and I get that delicious feelin’ in my stomach that makes me break out in a smile. She not only wants this kid, but she wants others. With me.
“Right.” The grin is evident in my voice.
“So, we don’t have to worry what tomorrow will bring, we only have to worry what it won’t bring and because we’re young, we don’t have to worry about that at all.”
I think about that for a minute and it starts to sink in.
“I getcha, baby, and I never thought of it like that.” I lie, I’m just glad she feels the same way. “We’re normal, in our abnormal way.”
“Exactly,” She smiles and I can hear it in her voice. “As far as I know we’re the first slayers to be in this kind of situation because we’re both slayers, but we’re certainly not the first to have children, and I’m pretty sure we’re not the last. And this child won’t be the last for us, just so you know.”
“Oh, so I don’t get any say in it?” I always gotta play, even though I’m skatin’ on really thin ice.
“Not if you know what’s good for you.”
“I know you’re good for me. Does that count for anything?”
“It counts for everything.”
We’re quiet again, but this time it’s a hopeful and relieved quiet.
“I’m sorry I made you leave.”
“I’m sorry I made you stay there by yourself.”
“Well, Alicia’s here.”
“Nope, she’s here.”
“What?” Huh?
I get up from the bed and peak out at the couch, she’s not there.
“What’d Will do? A vamp recall?”
“Something like that.”
“What, you guys are afraid I’m gonna stake her in her sleep or somethin’?”
“No! No, that’s not…” She sighs a frustrated sigh. I can tell she’s tryin’ to figure out what she can say that I won’t misinterpret. “I wanted to…if you want me to…”
I realize what she’s trying to say, but havin’ a hard time sayin’ it.
I hang my head and stop all my bullshit and say the truest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever said in my life, “Yes, please, I need you.”
A few moments after the line goes dead, B shows up in the livin’ room. I throw the phone on the table and rush over to her. I don’t put my arms around her or make any sudden moves around her right away. I can see the faint mark on her cheek where she accidentally hit herself when I let go of her wrist. I tentatively reach out to stroke her cheek, she doesn’t recoil but leans into my touch. Her forgiveness melts the lump I had in my throat and my tears fall freely. She gathers me in her arms and lets me get it out. We end up half sittin’ half layin’ on the couch for a while, just like that. Me all teary and her soothin’ me.
Finally we make our way back into the bedroom, I help her get undressed and then I quickly get undressed and into the bed. It’s not gonna be one of those nights, those nights where we exhaust each other with our mouths and fingers. She rolls me over so I’m not facin’ her and then puts her leg in between mine, usin’ me as a full body pillow. She scoots up real close and puts an arm around me, tightening it and pullin’ me closer to her. I hear her faint whispers, she loves me, she needs me, and if I ever get drunk like that again, she’s gonna beat me. I laugh at that last one.
Seems I’m always one fuck up away from being beaten. I’m sensin’ a pattern here.
“I’m so glad you had time to see me, Faith.”
“I think I should be sayin’ that to you, Pam.”
“Please, have a seat, make yourself comfortable. Would you like something to drink?”
I laugh at that by lettin’ the air out through my nose, but not loud enough to snort.
“What?” She asks curiously.
“Nothin’,” She gives me a look that says she’s not in the mood for that kinda shit. Fuck, she’s scary. “I had enough to drink last night.”
“Oh, really? Care to share?”
I put my arm out with the palm raised and accentuate what I’m sayin’, “Not really, but that would defeat the purpose of why I got dressed and showed up in the first place.”
She laughs at that.
“What’s been going on in your life, Faith?”
“A whole heck of a lot since you last saw me, that’s for sure.”
“I heard.” I give her a look and she gets that she has to explain. “I just meant that I heard that there was a lot going on with the slayers and the explosion and Buffy being pregnant. And of course your coma.”
“Never a dull moment, huh?”
“Not for a slayer, or their watchers and support group, no.” She looks thoughtful. “Would you rather your life were dull?”
I think about this for a while, it’s a really good question.
“Not necessarily dull, but less stressful would be nice. Less coma’s or accelerated pregnancies…”
“Are you ok with the pregnancy in general?”
I know she’s bringin’ this around to where it needs to go, but somehow I don’t want it to go there just yet.
“Yeah, it was my idea.”
“Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
“Yep.” I nod and look away from her eyes.
“So why do I get the feeling you’re not completely convinced of that?”
“Of what?” I play dumb.
“Faith, cut the shit.”
Oops. Busted.
I sigh and bring my hands together and stare at them in my lap like they’re gonna tell me what I need to say.
“Have you ever gotten the urge to make someone hurt just because you could?”
“Some of our basest emotions involve making others feel what we feel.”
“That’s not what I asked, although, I’m kinda happy you’re not answering questions with another question. I asked if you’ve ever gotten the urge to make someone hurt just because you could?”
“Once or twice.”
I nod, yeah, she won’t get it.
“Thanks.”
“So what about you? What did you gain by asking that question?”
“I want to hurt people all the time, every day. And I’m not talkin’ about tyin’ them up and torturin’ them. It’s the little things, bein’ a bitch to them and makin’ them hate me. I even got a bit of satisfaction out of Buffy leavin’ last night.”
“What happened with that?”
“I drank too much, and said some things I shouldn’t’ve and then Buffy tried to grab my hands to lead me away, and I was bein’ a complete tool, and then turned on her and asked why I had to do things when she told me to. Then I had her wrists in my grasp and Will told me to let her go, and Buffy wasn’t ready for it and she hit herself in the face.”
“That gave you satisfaction?”
I hang my head in my hands and the tears don’t stop just because I don’t want them to come.
Fuck, I’m one big fuckin’ baby. I’m sobbin’ for real, like hard sobs. I guess it’s because I’m ashamed that seein’ Buffy hit herself last night gave me some kinda sick satisfaction.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Pam gets up from her seat but doesn’t come over to me, I briefly wonder if she’s gonna call someone to come and get me to take me away to the holdin’ tank, but she comes over to me and hands me a tissue, and the box.
“Th-thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” She says as she takes her seat. A few more minutes go by and when my sobs have let up she starts again. “From your reaction I’m guessing that you did have some sort of satisfaction from seeing Buffy hit herself.”
I nod, and some fresh tears spill out onto the 20th tissue that I’ve used.
“But you didn’t actually keep hitting her, or saying things to hurt her, did you?”
I shake my head.
“That’s good. That means you know it’s wrong and are trying to control those urges.”
“B-but what if one day I can’t control them? What if I end up…” I get up from my seat and go over to the window. Fuck, the view is awesome from here.
“What if you end up…?”
“Beatin’ her.” For some fuckin’ fucked up reason that sounds so comical to me that I start laughin’. Christ, she must think I’m the biggest nutcase in the world.
She lets me finish with the laughs before askin’ her next question.
“Why was that funny to you?”
“Because I’d rather chew off my own arm then physically hurt her.” And that’s how I know I’m not completely crazy.
“You have a constant battle going on inside you about it though, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I suddenly feel like I need to wash my face. “Do you mind if I use the bathroom?”
“No,” She points towards a door. “It’s just through there.”
“Thanks.”
She nods.
When I get into the bathroom I look at myself in the mirror, the circles under my eyes show that I haven’t slept well, I tried to mask them with make-up, but I didn’t put too much on, so the darkness shows through.
I look just like my mother. My kid looks just like me.
Fuck, I remember my dream from last night.
When I go back into the room, Pam’s writin’ in some kinda journal but she puts it away when she sees me.
“Better?”
“Much, thanks.”
“Before you went into the bathroom you were telling me you were laughing because the thought of hurting Buffy was ridiculous to you. Would you care to expand on that, or have you realized you’re not actually going to beat her?”
“I think she’s safe from beatin’s from me. Can we talk maybe about the dream I had last night?”
“Sure, absolutely.”
“Ok,” I lean forward a little and let out a huge sigh. “So there’s this recurrin’ dream I have, my mother comes to me and tells me how much of a fuck up I am. And then she tells me how much like her I am, and that I’ll never be any good.”
Pam nods.
“Well, last night it was different. I saw snippets of my life, from childhood. The first one had me runnin’, at first I thought it was a happy scene, ya know, like bein’ chased for a game of tag. But then I saw I was cryin’, and the look on my ma’s face was like she was gonna murder me.”
I stop for a bit, rememberin’.
“Do you remember that as a real memory too, or was it just a dream?”
I get the feelin’ of terror that I had in the dream. I close my eyes and it’s like I’ve been sucked back into time.
‘Cept I’m not seein’ it from my point of view, I’m seein’ it from my ma’s.
‘Come back here ya little fuckin’ brat.’
‘No!’
‘Faith, ya want the fuckin’ belt?! I said get back here!’
I see my four year old self run into the livin’ room and then up the steps. We’re in the town house that ma managed to rent for all of three months. She got kicked out ‘cause she stopped payin’ the rent.
‘No! Momma, please!’
‘Please, nothin’ ya fuckin’ bitch. You wait till I get you!’
She catches up to me finally and bends down to look where I’ve hidden, she finds me right away. I’ve got my teddy bear with me, like it’s gonna protect me. She reaches out and practically dislocates her shoulder to grab onto my shirt and drag me back out.
‘Where’d ya stash it, ya little fuckin’ bitch?!’ An arm raises and my younger self manages to twist away so the blow lands on the back of my head and not my face.
‘Hey! Kate!’ Someone yells. It’s a woman, my ma turns in a blind rage and the lady stands there holdin’ somethin’. ‘You left it in the cabinet, Faith didn’t take it.’
The point of view switches and now I do see things from my own eyes.
Ma shoves me back to the floor and I grab my bear and crawl back under the bed.
I hear ma laugh. ‘She’s a fuckin’ nutcase, huh? Always hidin’ under there with that stupid bear. Makes it easy when I gotta find her.’
‘She seems like a good kid.’
‘That’s ‘cause you don’t know her like I do, she’s a fuckin’ pain in the ass. Can’t even get child support for her.’
‘Why don’t you let your mother take her? I thought you said she offered to help?’
‘No, my ma just wants her so that when that bastard Tommy starts payin’ she’ll get the money.’
‘I doubt that.’
‘What the fuck, you know my ma now too? You know what she’s up to?’
‘I’m just saying.’
‘Yeah, well ya say stupid shit. Let’s go smoke this.’ Ma leaves and the woman she was talkin’ to briefly bends down.
‘It’ll be ok, Faith. Hang in there, yeah?’
I’m cryin’ so her face is blurry, then suddenly it comes into focus.
Alicia.
“Faith, I asked if you remembered it as a real memory, or was it just a dream.”
I blink my eyes and I’m back in the room with Pam.
“Did you give me somethin’?”
She looks confused, “Give you what?”
“Did you do a spell?”
“Did something happen to you just now?” She sounds alarmed.
“Yeah, it was like I was there.”
“What did you see?”
“Ma chasin’ me and tryin’ to beat the shit outta me.”
“What stopped her?”
“Alicia.”
“How?”
“Ma thought I stole her drugs, that used to happen all the fuckin’ time. She’d leave them, or hide them somewhere and then she’d forget. So she’d come runnin’ after me with this look like she was gonna kill me and try to beat it outta me where I had hid them. I guess Alicia was this friend she had for a while, I forget what she called herself, anyway she told ma where she had left them, and then ma went to go use.”
“You never took and hid them, did you?”
“No, from a very young age I realized that when she used that shit, she’d leave me alone.”
“And Alicia was there, are you sure it was her?”
“You know her?”
“Yes.”
“Why do I get the fuckin’ feelin’ that you know a lot more about me than you let on?”
She doesn’t say nothin’.
“Ya know, the last time I was here you started to say somethin’ then you had to stop because our time was up. You remember that?”
“Yes.”
“What was it?”
She hesitates, and for the first time since I’ve been here her gaze falters and she looks away from me uncertain.
Conspiracy theories pop into my head, but I don’t dwell on ‘em.
“Quid pro quo, doctor. I tell you things, you tell me things.”
She laughs at my imitation of Dr. Lecter.
Her head turns back to me and then she looks me in the eye again, she’s got that confident look back.
“I knew your watcher.”
“I’m guessin’ you don’t mean Giles, Wesley, or Mrs. Post.” Although I thought Giles might have hit that at one time, I don’t think they knew each other in that way.
She shakes her head slowly, “I knew Emily.”
I’m kinda stunned, but not. She seems like she’d be the same age as her, and she’s British.
“How well?”
“She was my best friend, we went to University together.”
“I thought I might have recognized you, I think she had a picture of you.”
“I was a lot different then. So carefree and a bit reckless.”
“Wild child? You?” I laugh when she nods. “I can’t picture it.”
“Yes, I was quite the handful, I almost dropped out of Uni twice, Emily wouldn’t have it though. She was my rock.”
Fuck. A rock I got killed.
“And before you go beating yourself up about that, you’re not the reason she died.”
“I couldn’t help her.”
“You did what you could.”
I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way.
“Did Emily know I had my very own Vamp protection squad?”
Again she looks away from me.
“I think you’ll have to ask Alicia that.”
I don’t press her for any more information on that, if she says I have to talk to Alicia, then I will. There’s a lot of shit I need to ask her about, the fuckin’ sneak.
“You know Alicia well?”
“Yes, we’ve spoken on many occasions.”
“And she knew Emily.” I think I’m gettin’ it.
She hesitates.
“Ya know, this kinda cageyness doesn’t give me the warm fuzzies.”
“I know you have a lot of questions, but I think there are things you want to know that would best come from Alicia.”
“So, we done here?”
“That depends on you, you don’t have a time limit.”
“I’m special, huh?”
She smiles. “You’ve been through a lot, so I wanted to make sure you had enough time to get it all out.”
I look at my watch. “Well, I promised B I’d take her out to lunch. We haven’t really been out in a while.” Plus, there’s a stop I need to make before I go pick her up.
“That sounds nice.”
“I hope so. She’s gettin’ bigger every day.” I laugh. “Almost every hour. Sometimes she gets these pains, from the baby growin’ so fast.”
“She’s a strong girl, I’m sure she’s taking it well.”
“Yeah, she doesn’t let me know how bad it is sometimes, but I can tell. Her brow will get sweaty and she’ll get fidgety.”
“And you feel like you’re killing her, or putting her through something that she shouldn’t have to go through.”
“You’re pretty good for a quack.”
She laughs and gives me a smug look. “I get by.”
“Ok, before I go.” I straighten up in my chair. “This thing that happened just a little bit ago, ya see, that’s what I’m afraid of, I won’t be able to control myself and I’ll snap and beat someone like my ma did.”
“I think your subconscious was helping you get out what you needed. I don’t think it will make you do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I’m just thinkin’ about what happened when I was in Sunnydale, after I killed Allan…”
“You believe you did that without knowing what you were doing?”
I’m ashamed to tell her the truth. I shake my head.
“I fought with myself every day to stop, but the pain I was causin’ was like a drug to me. I couldn’t help myself.”
“So, that’s what we’ll work on. I think you’ve matured a great deal, but we’ll help you get to where you can recognize why you do what you do, and eventually you won’t need to do that anymore.”
“How often do you think I should come?”
“Well, that’s up to you, we’ll work around your schedule. Give me at least a couple hours of notice, and I can fit you in on any day.”
“That sounds good.”
We go quiet, and I think she’s waitin’ for me to decide what to do.
“So, that’s it, I can go?”
“If you’d like.”
Seems like she’d try to get me to talk about Gee Gee, or Ken, or even my coma a little more. Guess she realizes I need to do that kinda thing at my own pace.
“Ok, then,” I stand up and rub my hands on my jeans. “I’ll see ya Friday?”
“Sure, what time?”
“Probably at 11. I’ll call a couple of hours before to let you know if anything comes up.”
“Sounds great.” She gets up and sees me to the door.
“And don’t worry about Alicia, she’s on your side.”
“How did you know I felt differently?”
“She and I still keep in contact.”
“Should you be talking about me with others?”
“She’s my mentor, so, yes.”
I’m not sure how I feel about that.
“Mentor, huh?”
“Yes, you could learn a lot from her.”
“Like Angel was for Buffy?”
“Angelus had ulterior motives, we were shocked to see that he fell in love with the slayer.”
“It’s hard not to fall in love with her, don’t blame him for that.” I laugh. It’s true, everyone who’s come in contact with her has fallen in love with her at one time or another. And don’t think the people that are openly hostile to her aren’t secretly wishin’ she was theirs.
Sometimes I think I need to watch my back better. But then I remember I have Alicia.
“Take care, Pam.”
“You’re going to be fine, Faith. Just believe in yourself.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey, beautiful! You want a ride?” I just pulled the car over to the curb and this gorgeous blonde is standin’ there.
“No thanks, I’m waiting for somebody.”
“Yeah? Well I hope they appreciate you.”
“Not really, she was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.”
I pull my shades down, “You’ve got the nerve to lecture me on punctuality?” She smiles.
I hop out of the car and open the passenger door.
“I only used to make Giles wait, not you.” She gets in and I bend down and give her a huge smile.
“Yeah, well, I had to go sign the papers for this car.”
“What about your old car? Which wasn’t really that old.” She mutters that last part.
“But, B. This one has a sun roof.” I shut the door and go around to the other side.
“It is pretty nice.” She looks around the inside as I get back in the driver’s seat.
“And the safety rating on it’s really good. I’m just thinkin’ of the future.”
“That’s wonderful.” She leans over to me and plants a sweet kiss on my cheek. I turn slightly and we kiss for a few moments.
“No, THAT’s wonderful.” Shit, I don’t know how it’s possible to love someone so much more each day.
“You’re telling me.” She leans back in for another couple of mind blowin’ kisses.
“Damn, we better stop. We’ll never make it to lunch.”
“Who needs to eat?” She clutches her stomach. “Oh, god!”
“Is this it?!” My voice goes up as I start to panic.
“No, the baby must have heard me about eating, she just kicked harder than ever.”
I pat Buffy’s stomach before I lean down to kiss it. “Yep, that’s my girl.”
“I can just imagine our food bill.”
“I’ll work overtime.”
“No, you won’t.” She takes her sunglasses out of her hair and puts them on. “You promised no day lighting until after the baby is three.”
“But Buffy, don’t you think if I get some odd job as a demon bounty hunter type thing we can put that money aside for the baby’s college?”
“You think she’s not gonna have enough money from what we already have saved?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ she could come with me on the missions, too. Ya know, learn a few things.”
“You’re really cruising for a bruising, aren’t you?”
I pull back in the seat and look at her like she’s seriously wounded me.
“I’m hurt by that, B.” “You don’t wanna take her on missions?”
“Are you crazy?”
“Umm, I thought that’s why I was in therapy?” I pull the car out of the space slowly and we drive off to the restaurant.
“Faith,” She puts her hand on my arm.
“What?”
“Don’t say things like that. You’re not crazy.”
“I’m just kiddin’, B.”
“Yeah, but sometimes you’re serious when you kid.”
“Back to the thing about takin’ the baby on missions…”
“You’re not serious about that?!”
“Jesus Christ, Buffy, you don’t remember D.C.? How about Boston? And she was with you when you killed Parker.”
“But, but.”
“But nothin’, B. You can’t see her strapped in one of those things on your back while we’re on patrol?”
“With a little stake in her hand?” B says with a smile on her face.
“Exactly!” We laugh at the thought of a little mini-me with a frown on her face and holy water in one chubby hand and a mini stake in the other.
God, we’re so fuckin’ normal.
