Chapter 43- What Really Matters

Me and Buffy have been back in the old apartment for about four weeks now. With Buffy gettin’ bigger by the minute we decided we wouldn’t live in the safe house until after the baby was born, since she’d have to go up and down a bunch of stairs. I really made the decision one day when she was comin’ down the steps and she almost pulled a Scarlett O’Hara, ‘cause she was kinda sleepy and one of the top steps, for some unknown fuckin’ reason, is higher than the others. Every time Xand goes down ‘em, he forgets to compensate for that and ends up Frankenstein walkin’ for a few steps and then yells out, “Watch that foist step, it’s a doozy!” in his best Bugs Bunny.

Right now, we’re just chillin’ in the apartment together, we got back a little bit ago from an early dinner. It’s that part of the early evenin’ where the light is a little fainter, almost like it’s fake. I always used to want to cry when the day would look like this, ‘cause I knew that meant I had to go in to my shithole of a place, and Ma’s first order of the evenin’ would be to bug me to go bum smokes from the deadbeat neighbors.

It’s different now though, I love this part of the day. It’s kinda lazy, and not as bright and really starts the windin’ down period of the day. Especially since now we’re not patrollin’, Giles forbid it. I mean, I figured Buffy couldn’t go, but he banned me too and told everyone to notify him the moment I went out with an ‘intent to slay’. She and I compensate by walkin’ every- fuckin’-where, to help with the jitters and satisfy at least a little bit of our need to hunt. ‘Cept no vamps ever cross our paths, ‘cause we’ve got a detail followin’ us, and they get to ‘em before we have a chance to feel even one hair stand on the backs of our necks. They think I don’t know they’re there, but I’m a pretty good fuckin’ tracker, and I hear their heavy boots on the pavement. They wouldn’t make good ninjas that shit’s for sure.

Tonight, like most nights, we went for a bit of a walk after we got out of the restaurant, but then I saw the look on Buffy’s face and made her sit on a bench, so I could go get the car. She was gettin’ those pains again, the ones that make her sweat. We’ve got to get in to see the doc tomorrow. Since he knows the score now and has been workin’ for us, he can monitor her more closely and tell us just what’s goin’ on. We’re probably gonna have to go every day now.

Who knows, the next time I wake up, the baby could be next to me in the bed. Shit, there’s a scary thought.

One of the things we haven’t done yet is really, seriously think of a name. It’s such a huge task, I mean, we don’t wanna slight anyone, or give her a name that she’ll hate.

Like Faith.

Can’t tell you the countless times people have used that stupid joke, or sung that stupid song. Buffy loves it though, in fact she’s playin’ it right now.

You know the one.

“Oh well I guess it would be nice…”

The fact that she’s plays it and thinks of me makes me smile, but like I said, it’s not my favorite song. Especially not from George Michael.

I like that song of his called Prayin’ for Time. When I was younger, I stole ma’s tape. Well, I didn’t steal it, she was all excited to buy it and then it wasn’t like his last album, so she pulled it out of the player and chucked it sayin’ he was a ‘fuckin’ faggot’. I was ten or eleven then and I didn’t know what to think. She used to rag on the gays and lesbians, like they were lepers. Sometimes I agreed with her, ‘cause I didn’t know any better. But then Aunt Dee would tell me about Uncle Joe, and she spoke about what a good guy he was, in fact all of my family did and they never hid the fact that he was gay.

When the stories would get sad as they most often did, Gee Gee couldn’t bear it, her eyes would go misty and she’d get up and go do dishes, silently cryin’ for her lost boy. Then the others would say a joke he used to tell or a funny story about him, and laugh like nuts. Gee Gee included.

They’d tell about the dreams he had for his future. He wanted to be on Broadway, he wanted to write musicals and poetry and live in New York. Gee Gee and Pops supported him, in whatever he wanted to do. Then, like most kids that live in and around Boston, he got into drugs, and it killed him.

When ma used to talk about him she’d have tears in her eyes, and her voice would be so sad. He was her fraternal twin and she loved him deep down, but she would try to convince herself that she hated him. I guess ‘cause she’d remember he was gay; her voice would grow hard and venomous and she would say things like, “The fags killed him, don’t ever forget that, Faith. I catch you bein’ gay and you’re gonna regret it.”

How about the fact that she made me regret bein’ her kid? She never thought about that, did she?

I look over at Buffy who’s stretchin’ her arms and legs; a pang of love blooms in my heart. And then I feel guilty. Guilty for ever thinkin’ I hated her, and guilty for not lettin’ the love I felt for her come out in a good way back in Sunnydale. I let it blossom into hatred, betrayal and destruction. ‘Cause I was ashamed.

The song I like starts playin’, she knows I like it, and she looks at me and smiles.

These are the days of the open hand

They will not be the last

Look around now

These are the days of the beggars and the choosers

This is the year of the hungry man

Whose place is in the past

Hand in hand with ignorance and legitimate excuses

The rich declare themselves poor

And most of us are not sure if we have too much

But we’ll take our chances

‘Cause God stopped keeping score

I hold my hand out and Buffy walks over to stand in front of me. She takes my hand and I pat my lap. She’s lookin’ at me like I’m all crazy. I give her a questionin’ look and she gestures around her belly, like it’s too big for her to sit on me.

When the fuck is she gonna understand that I’m a slayer too and she’s not gonna break my leg? She’d have to be sittin’ in the car and park it on my leg to hurt me.

I laugh like she’s a nut and pull her to me and then make her sit, I shift her so we’re comfortable. All the while Georgie Boy is beltin’ out his lyrics.

I guess somewhere along the way

He must’ve let us all out to play

Turned His back and all God’s children

Crept out the backdoor

And it’s hard to love

There’s so much to hate

Hanging on to hope

When there is no hope to speak of

And the wounded skies above

Say it’s much too much too late

Well maybe we should all be praying for time

Buffy leans down and kisses the top of my head. I let out the breath I apparently was holdin’ and bring her hand to my lips for a kiss.

She can tell that I’m thinkin’ of my past ‘cause she knows about me and this song. She whispers that we’ll make the future ours, no need to worry about what’s been before. She’ll be there and we’ll work it out together.

I pull back and she’s got tears in her eyes. I just keep lookin’ into ‘em, seein’ the truth there. And maybe a bit of the future. I bury my face in her neck and hide a little. Like I used to into my pillow when it would get too much for me to handle back in Southie.

These are the days of the empty hand

Oh you hold on to what you can

And charity is a coat you wear, twice a year

This is the year of the guilty man

Your television takes a stand

And you find that what was over there, is over here

So you scream from behind your door

Say what’s mine is mine and not yours

I may have too much but I’ll take my chances

‘Cause God stopped keeping score

And you cling to the things they sold you

Did you cover your eyes when they told you?

That he can’t come back

‘Cause he has no children to come back to

I used to think of my Uncle Joe all the time when I heard that line. I figured since he was gay and couldn’t have children that God killed him. ‘Cause that’s what Ma would tell me. “The gays die ‘cause they can’t have kids, and God sees to it that anyone that can’t have kids has to go.”

Yeah, well fuck her. I rub Buffy’s stomach.

It’s so hard to love

There’s so much to hate

Hanging on to hope

When there is no hope to speak of

And the wounded skies above

Say it’s much too late

So maybe we should all be praying for time

I press stop on the remote and we’re quiet for a while. I take comfort in Buffy’s nearness, and the fact that Ma was so fuckin’ wrong. My kid’s never gonna grow up hatin’ anything, ‘cept maybe unsouled vamps and demons that try to destroy the world and/or fuck with my family.

Buffy breaks the silence.

“How about Hope?”

“Huh?”

“Hope, for a name.”

Oh fuck no!

I don’t know how to respond to that other than the way I just did in my head.

“Uhhhh,” I say instead.

“You can say ‘no’, Faith. And I was kidding.”

“Yeah but sometimes your kidding has some seriousness to it.” I tell her what she tells me all the time.

She swats my leg, and manages to hit herself in the process. “You brute, look what you made me do to myself. Again.”

“Hey, Blondie, that was all you this time. Your violent ways are comin’ back to bite you in the ass.”

She laughs and leans back more into me. I put my arms around her tighter.

“I think we should give her a name that’s not somethin’ for anyone else but her. Ya know?” I say.

“You mean like not naming her for my mother, or your grandmother or something meaningful in our past?”

“Exactly.” I nod, lookin’ around the room to spark some inspiration. “How about ‘lightbulb’?”

“Why not, ‘shoe’?”

“Shoe, get over here! Don’t make me take my you off!” I say, tryin’ it out.

Buffy giggles.

“Ooh, B, I got a perfect one!”

“Oh God, I’m almost afraid to ask.”

“Grimace.”

“From the McDonald’s people?”

“Yep! We can deck her out in purple, and build her room like McDonald land.” I say like I’m inspired.

“I’ve always been partial to Burger King.” Buffy says with a smirk evident on her face by what I can hear in her voice.

After we spend a good fifteen minutes comin’ up with the craziest names, B laughs so hard she almost pees herself ‘cause I suggest we name her ‘The First’, ya know, bein’ our first kid and all. She gets up from my lap and rushes to the bathroom.

She snorts from on the toilet, when I say we could call her poos ‘the big bads’. Like, ‘Hey, B. I just changed her, it’s your turn to take care of the next big bad.’

The phone rings. I get up and check the caller id. It’s Will.

“Hey, Will. How’d it go?” I say with concern in my voice.

“Bad, Faith. It went pretty bad. Her mom passed out and…” Her voice falters. “Her dad…” it takes her a moment or two to get the next part out. “Her dad…I’ve never seen a grown man cry like that.” She’s cryin’ now and it makes me tear up. She went with Ken’s parents to consecrate her remains, that were dug out of the academy finally, on top of one of Brazil’s highest mountains. Will and Ken’s sister had also done somethin’ similar in the rainforest. Ken loved those places.

All the Slayers and watchers and everyone had our own memorial service in St. Patricks’s Cathedral in NYC. It was beautiful. She woulda loved it. But she woulda kicked our asses for it, ‘cause she always said she’d never want anything big. We figured since she and Will never got to get married, we should have somethin’ to send her off in a big way.

“You wanna come over?”

“I’d love to. Are you sure?

“Positive. Bring your stuff, you can stay over if you’re up to it.”

“I’d love that. Thanks.”

“Then you can go to the doc’s with us tomorrow. That is if you can.”

“Sure I can. I’ll be right there.”

“And Will?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there with ya, ya know to say goodbye.”

“I know, but you kinda were. I kept thinkin’ about what you told me about her that one night after it happened. How she would want me to be there to be strong for her family. How she loved being a slayer, knew the consequences of it, and accepted it. And how her parents would be grateful to know she died doing what she loved.”

“She loved you, Will. Hurry over.”

I tell B that Will’s on her way over and she asks me to make up the guest room. Last time Will stayed with us in the bed, but she says to do it just in case she wants some space.

I should have asked Will where Satsu was, as a matter of fact I haven’t heard from her since that day she went back with Will to our makeshift HQ. Hopefully, she didn’t do somethin’ stupid like make a move on Will when she was vulnerable. But I think I know Satsu better than that, she wouldn’t do any crazy shit like that. She better not have anyway.

I see Buffy’s face and she looks like she’s in pain.

“You ok, B?”

“Little indigestion,” She says rubbin’ her chest. “Must be that salad, I shouldn’t have had the hot peppers in it.”

“Oh, Christ, Buffy!” I scoff and make my way into the bathroom. “I thought you told them not to put ‘em in?”

“Yeah, but then they brought it with them in there and I didn’t want to be difficult.”

“Buffy, the baby gets everything you’re takin’ in. You can’t eat hot shit like that anymore.” I start gettin’ out my toothbrush.

“I didn’t think, god, I’m sorry. Faith!”

“S’ok, B, don’t get mad I’m just sayin’, you have to be more careful.”

“No, Faith, get in here!”

Oh, shit, I know that panicked voice, I know what it means. For a fleetin’ second I think she’s gonna be standin’ there with the kid wrapped in swaddlin’ clothes ‘cause that’s how fuckin’ quick this pregnancy seems to be movin’. This blows Robin’s mom’s pregnancy outta the water for quickness. I guess that’s because it’s super slayer baby.

I sigh relieved when I get in the room and see that it’s just her water that broke.

“Ok, B. Breathe, no need to get all panicky.” I step over the mess on the floor and she’s clutchin’ at the bed spread. It looks like she doesn’t know whether to sit or stand.

“Don’t get panicky?! Holy mother of fucking god, that hurts!”

“I didn’t know you were a prayin’ woman, baby.” I chuckle and she shoots me daggers.

“I’m not ready…we don’t have a name…I thought this was slowing down!”

“You looked 8 months about a week ago, so I’m thinkin’ it’s done, all cooked and everything.” I get behind her and hold on, makin’ her lean fully on me.

“I think you might have to kill me, Faith. If this is what the contractions start as, I don’t want to know how bad they’re actually gonna get.”

Somethin’ dawns on me and I reach under her dress and tell her to brace herself.

“What-what’re you doin’?”

“You’ll feel a little bit of pressure, but relax.” She leans on my back as I bend down slightly. “Fuck.”

“I’d make an innuendo, or smart comment but…FUCK!” She yells that last part out.

Butt fuck. I wanna giggle at that, but FUCK! She’s almost all the way dialated.

“Don’t panic, B, but Junior ain’t waitin’ for us to call the doc.”

“What?”

“I’m callin’ Will.”

“Will’s here, what’s up?” Willow says from the door to the room. “Buffy, you’re not.” She looks at the floor. “Faith, she’s not!”

“Hold it together, Will. She’s havin’ the baby, like now. Can you get a doc here, like now?”

“What about the doctor you saw in NJ the other day?”

“If you teleported him here he’d spend a half an hour yarkin’, we don’t have that kinda time!”

“Ok, let me see…”

Buffy cries out.

“B, lay on the bed, can you lay on the bed?”

She’s breathin’ real heavy and the sweat is just pourin’ off of her brow. I realize I’m gonna have to help her. “Will, sheets, get new sheets!”

“Faith, I’m not deaf, and neither is Willow, now calm down.” Buffy says annoyed.

Yeah, wait till another contraction hits and we’ll see how calm she is. No sooner do I think that then she’s screamin’ in my ear.

And now I’m deaf.

Fuck, I’ve never heard anything so gut wrenchin’ in my life. Not even when Kakistos…Fuck thinkin’ of that at a time like this. I hold Buffy upright as best I can with one arm as I pull all the bed shit off with the other. Will’s rushin’ in with the new sheets.

She starts to make the bed when she remembers who she is and snaps her finger and the bed is made. She even conjured up extra pillows.

“Thanks, Red, but you didn’t have to do hospital corners, do you mind turnin’ the bed down so I can get her in it?”

“Sorry, I’m nervous, and when I’m nervous I over achieve. There was this one time…”

“Gotcha, now how about the doc?” If I didn’t just cut her off she woulda over-explained, too.

“Faith!! I think I can feel something!!!” Buffy yells as I get her on the bed.

“Buffy! Don’t push!!”

“I’m trying not to but I can’t help it!!”

“Red, the doctor!!!”

I hear a knock at the window. Fuck, what now?!

“It’s Alicia,” Will says lookin’ over. “Has she been standing out there all day?”

“Is she burnt to a crisp?”

“No, she’s got a concerned look on her face.”

“Will, would you go open the window!” Christ did she hit her head? How am I the sane one here?

“Is she fully dilated?” Alicia says as she comes in the room.

“Yeah, I think. Can you help us?”

“I’ll try.” She says as she rushes into the bathroom and then comes out with obviously washed hands and arms. Shit, I should go do that, too.

When I come back out, B’s screamin’ her head off for me, and I rush over to her side. Alicia’s put a couple of the pillows so Buffy’s legs are slightly propped up. Will’s sneakin’ a peek between her legs, and before I even have a chance to make a snarky comment about her checkin’ out her best friend’s cooch, her eyes go wide and Buffy screams loud again.

I hold both her hands as tight as I can and let her squeeze on me.

“One more big push and the head will be out.”

I suddenly feel like I might be sick. Oh, that would fuckin’ suck, dude!

I breathe in through my nose and let it out slowly through my mouth in an effort to calm my stomach.

“Willow, please, get a basin and heat some water.”

“You gonna boil macaroni?” I ask makin’ a really lame joke.

Alicia doesn’t even smirk, “We’ll need to clean your baby off in a second.” She looks at Buffy. “One more big push, Buffy, you’re doing so well. Can you give me another…”

Buffy’s face goes almost purple and then the next moment I hear cryin’. That sounds fuckin’ wonderful!

Fuck, she did it! I kiss her sweaty brow over and over and she’s lettin’ out a huge sigh and a few relieved and happy tears.

Will runs in with the basin of water, and almost drops it when she sees the baby in Alicia’s arms. She puts the basin down on the bed and says a few words and a pair of surgical scissors appear in her hands. She holds them out to me and nods.

“Me?”

“No, the wall.”

“Ok, ok, Red. No need to be a smart ass.”

“Faith, not in front of the baby.” Buffy says weakly. Heh. She just had a kid in record time and she’s fuckin’ exhausted but she still manages to scold me. “Does she have hair?”

“Yep, and arms and legs and fingers and toes, but she’s kinda gooey right now,” I say as I take the scissors from Will. Alicia’s holdin’ the baby towards me and has her hand on the cord.

“Right there between my two fingers. Can you cut steady?”

“You don’t want that finger, do ya?” I kid as I hold the scissors steady and make the cut.

Will says a few things in Latin and all the stuff Alicia needs to tend to the baby and Buffy appear on a hospital cart.

As soon as the baby’s cleaned up and her cord is tied off, Alicia hands her over to me.

I stare in disbelief as this perfect little person is cryin’ in my arms. In a daze I walk over to the side of the bed and Buffy opens her eyes, well, her eye. The other seems like it’s permanently shut. It might have been fast, but it took a hell of a lot out of her.

“There she is baby, there’s your momma. See? She’s blonde and tiny, two things you’ll never be, huh? ‘Cept for right now, that is.” Her hair’s not exactly blond, but it’s not real dark either. More like an auburn.

I smirk and Buffy lets out a weak laugh, “Always gotta crack on momma’s size.”

“She’s perfect.” I whisper.

“Me or her?” Buffy asks.

“Yep.” I smile and place the baby on Buffy’s chest, slidin’ in next to her. “You did it, baby.”

“I can’t believe it.” She cries again lookin’ into the baby’s face. I kiss the side of her head and then look at the baby who’s lookin’ at me.

Sweet Jesus, she’s got Buffy’s eyes. Oh, man, this kid is so gonna have me wrapped around her finger it’s not even gonna be funny.

Willow and Alicia are pullin’ the bloody stuff from the bed, and thankfully Will’s makin’ it disappear. 

After everything’s all clean and tidy Alicia and Will come to stand at the foot of the bed. They’re both smilin’ through happy tears.

“Have you thought of a name?”

“Buffaithy,” I say.

Will goes over to Buffy’s other side and leans down to look into the baby’s face.

“Given what she looks like I’d say that was an excellent name. Just perfect.”

“I know right.” Buffy says.

“Can you conjure up one of those baby cap things for her head?” I look at Will and she snaps her fingers and hands it over to me. I place it on the baby’s head.

“I guess we should get a doctor here now to check momma and baby out, huh?” Will says.

“That sounds like a good idea.” It dawns on me that none of our family knows. “I’ll go make all the calls.”

Before I go out into the other room I walk over to Alicia, she’s lookin’ kinda nervous. I guess Pam musta told her I know about her bein’ in Southie as my ma’s ‘friend’.

I look at her for a few moments, then wrap her in a huge hug. She lets out a relieved sigh.

“You’re always there for me, huh?” I whisper into her ear.

“I try to be.” She whispers back.

“Well you’re doin’ a fuckin’ good job so far.” I give her a kiss on her cheek and she tightens her arms around me.

“You’ve done a great job yourself.”

“Speakin’ of jobs, where’d you learn how to do that?”

“Back in Sicily with Giulia, she’d help the local farmer with his goats, and I’d help her. One time I helped deliver an elk calf. That was ‘pretty sweet’ as you kids would say.”

I pull back from the hug and smirk at her. She’s about to say somethin’ when I cut her off.

“So, I guess when I was at the Cape and would look down and see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that you carried me?”

She looks puzzled for a second and then laughs louder than I’ve ever heard her laugh. Will and Buffy look over to see this usually reserved person practically doubled over with laughter.

“My work here is done,” I wink at Will and Buffy and go out into the other room. They laugh and the baby starts protestin’, she’s probably hungry.

I call Dawnie and Giles, and my Aunt. I get them to call everyone else. I text Xand to stop watchin’ Star Wars with Andy and come right over. I call him ‘Uncle Xand’. He texts back “NO WAY!” and I text, “WAY!”. And then I can only imagine the shit he trips on while tryin’ to get himself over here.

Will’s busy teleportin’ people in that can handle it. Don’t need a bunch of people throwin’ up all over the place. She’s gotta try to modify the spell so it doesn’t do that. It can be pretty debilitatin’ to someone that’s not used to it.

After makin’ a few calls, I run down to the little store near our apartment for some supplies that we’ll need.

Vinnie’s so happy to see me and to hear that me and Buffy are back together again (the last time he saw us was when we were ‘breakin’ up’, before the whole D.C. trip and glamour shit) he can’t control his joy. I tell him that Buffy just gave birth to a healthy baby girl and he gives me half the stuff for free. I start to argue with him and he won’t hear of it. He even offers to help me carry the stuff over.

He goes and tells his helper he’s gonna be gone for a bit, and when he comes back he’s all lookin’ cleaned up. For an older guy he’s not so bad lookin’. I wonder who I can set him up with, but out of all the women I know, either they’re taken or gay.

Maybe Giles would like to go out on a date with him.

What? It was just a joke!

We get back with the stuff and half of NY and most of Boston is in our apartment. Aunt Dee rushes over to me and helps me put the stuff I have in my hands down, then crushes the life outta me in a hug.

Vinnie’s introducin’ himself as the local grocer, he cracks me up.

“She’s so beautiful, Faith!” Aunt Dee’s cryin’ as Uncle Jim comes to pry her off of me.

“Let the girl breathe, Dee Dee.” Then he gives me a hug and tells me I made a good one. I laugh at that, he’s a nut.

Dawn’s next to come and crush the life outta me. She squeals and jumps up and down, and if I weren’t built like a tank she’d have picked me up and twirled me around.

“I can’t believe she’s here! And she’s so perfect, Faith!”

“Thanks, D. She’s great isn’t she?” We hug and I pick her up and twirl her a bit so she gets her fill. “What’s Buffy doin’?” I ask when we stop.

“Recovering. The doctor and a couple assistants are in there looking over both of them, weighing the baby and stuff. OH MY GOD!!! I’m SO HAPPY!!” She hugs me again.

“Hey, slick. You got any cigars?” Xand winks at me.

“You think I’m a slacker?” I point to the boxes of stuff me and Vinnie brought up. Xand goes over, gets out the cigars and starts handin’ ‘em out. “Just don’t light up in here, or Buffy’ll get up outta that bed and kick your ass and I won’t stop her.”

He comes over to me and puts a cigar in my pocket. “Good job, Daddy.” He winks at me and I laugh.

“I didn’t do nothin’, it was all, B.” I suddenly realize I haven’t seen her and the baby in about twenty minutes and I get anxious to get back in there, but I notice someone’s missin’. “Hey, where’s Giles?”

“He’s in there with Buffy, making sure everything’s copacetic.”

“Watcher’s watchin’, huh?”

“Yep, everything’s right with the world.”

He said it.

I go in the room and Giles gets up outta the chair he was in.

“Faith, you and Buffy have made me very proud, very proud.”

“Thanks, G-man.” I step into his arms and accept the hug he’s offerin’.

“Now, what was this about you letting Buffy take on Parker?”

“Giles!” Buffy scolds him.

“You think I can tell her what to do when she’s got her mind set?”

“Well, I…”

“Could you?”

“Well…” He hangs his head a little and I quirk an eyebrow waitin’ for what he’s got to say. “No.”

“Exactly, don’t give me poopy,” I censor myself. “I’ve gotta go see my baby and our baby.” I nod at the bed.

“Well…”

“Giles, please, go have a cigar and make yourself comfortable, huh?” I wink at him and pat him on the back. “Grandpa.”

He smiles at that and looks over at Buffy who smiles and nods. I know how to get him. Heh.

The doctor tells me that everything’s fine with Buffy and the baby and I thank him for coming and he and his assistants go with Giles into the other room.

“So, B. What’s the what?”

“What?”

“Her stats.” I say as I sit on the bed and take her from Buffy’s arms.

“7 pounds 13 ozs and 19 inches long.”

“And beautiful, just like you.”

“Awww,” She leans over and gives me a kiss. “You’re just trying to distract me from the fact that I almost just died.”

That scares the shit outta me. “You did?!”

“No, but it felt like it.”

“Damn, B, don’t kid like that.”

The baby’s fussin’ and she latches on to my finger as I stroke her lips.

“Oops, someone’s hungry.” I wink at Buffy.

“You? You’re always hungry.”

“Open that gown, baby, us girls need to eat.” I get up and let Buffy get ready to feed her. “Right little girl? Right?” I coo at her and she opens her eyes and lets out a loud cry. “I think that means ‘right’.”

I sit back on the bed and help get the baby into position. She looks like she’s not gonna open her mouth for the nipple, then Buffy rubs her bottom lip and she opens up and latches on.

“Wow, that’s somethin’, huh?” I’m blown away by the simplicity of it all.

“I still can’t believe she’s here.” Buffy says with awe in her voice.

“Me neither, B, me neither.” I sigh and then look at her. “How’re you doin’?”

“A lot better, I got a second wind while you were gone.”

I lean in and give her a grateful kiss. “Thanks, baby.” I say when we break for air. The baby’s got her hand around my forefinger. She’s squeezin’ it while she’s eatin’. “God, she’s a good eater, huh?”

“Yep, this is her second helping.”

“Greedy little piggy.” I say to the baby. Then a thought comes to me. “Hey, B, I just thought of a name.”

“If you say Miss Gordo, I’m gonna kick your ass.”

I gasp shocked, “Buffy, language!” I scold her, then wink. “How about ‘Mia’?”

She looks at me for a few moments, stunned, then looks at the baby.

“Faith, that’s perfect.” Buffy says excitedly. The baby’s lunch gets interrupted and she fusses at Buffy a little. “Oh, god, she just gave me her first eye roll.”

“She’s grounded.” I say in my first directive as a parent. “No goin’ out until she’s a week.”

Buffy laughs as Mia latches on again and gets comfortable.

I lay back on the bed, propped up by the pillows and Buffy lays back against me while the baby’s happily gruntin’ at her meal. I can hear our family and friends in the other room partyin’ and havin’ a good time, in honor of our little Mia. Buffy squeezes my hand and tells me she loves me and she’s so happy.

I realize out of all the shit that’s gone on lately and in my past that nothing else matters.

This right here and now, is really all that matters.

Chapter 44: Epilogue- Comin’ Full Circle

Uh, oh. I’m in trouble I think. What’s new?

I’m wakin’ up to an overactive three year old pouncin’ on my back and a pissed off Buffy glarin’ at me.

“Faith, get up!”

“Get up, Poppy! Poppy, get up!” Mia’s bouncin’ each time she says ‘get up’, like she needs to accentuate those words with poundin’ her ass on my back.

I groan.

“Faith, you said you’d go with us to the park, and we have to go in the next hour. I’ve got people coming later so we need to get a move on!”

“Unnnhh.” I say in protest.

“Momma, count!”

Oh shit, not the counting! Little Mia’s gonna get it from me. She’s tellin’ Buffy to count to ten.

“Do I need to count to ten, Faith?” Christ she’s got such a mom voice, makes me shake in my shoes sometimes. Don’t tell anyone I said that though. Still haven’t lost my edge.

“Horsey up, Horsey. I wanna ride!” Mia’s still bouncin’ on my back and makin’ me look like a fool, ‘cause now you know that I haven’t been able to maintain my edge like I used to.

“Ok, I’m up. Poppy’s up.” Mia gets off my back and slides down off the bed.

Yeah, you heard it. Poppy.

That was Buffy and Dawn’s little joke that started the day Mia was born, and then it sorta stuck. Giles even slipped and called me it one time, then blushed like five shades of red and gave me a very British apology.

Doesn’t stop Xand from callin’ me ‘Pops’ though. Fucker. I’ll get him, don’t you worry. Can’t do anything right now, though; kinda need him for this current mission, and future missions, I guess.

“Mia, go get your stuff ready in your bag, have Auntie Dawn help you, ok sweety?” Buffy waits until she’s outta the room to turn her glare back to me. “You’re really up or do I have to drag you out?”

I had started to sink into the pillow again, but at her threat I flip onto my back.

“Buffy…” I groan.

“Faith, no. You wanted to go on this mission, I told you it would take a lot out of you and still you insisted.”

“But Beeeeee…” I whine.

“No ‘but B’s’, we talked about this over and over. I told you I would need your help more now that ‘The second’s’ on its way, and said maybe now wasn’t the time to take on extra work, but you insisted and you promised it wouldn’t affect making time for us.”

I stretch out and I can feel my T-shirt ride up and bare my stomach, in all its tanned, smooth, hint of muscled glory. I sneak a peek of Buffy who’s sneakin’ a peek at it.

When she sees me catch her lookin’ she laughs.

“That’s not gonna lure me back into bed.” She sticks out her tongue. “You’ll have to save it for later.” The smile she gives is a promisin’ one.

Knowin’ I’m not gonna get what I want, and knowin’ that I really shouldn’t, ‘cause I made a promise, I mentally slap my ass and get into gear; stretchin’ out for real this time. I hear all the bones that need it, crack and pop. I sit up on the edge of the bed and let out a relieved sigh.

Buffy comes closer to me and puts her arms around my shoulders.

“I know it’s an important mission, Faith. That’s why I didn’t give you more crap about going. But you shouldn’t have told Mia you’d come with us to the park if this was harder than you thought it would be.”

I tighten my arms around her growin’ waist and hug her to me, listenin’ to the noises her belly’s makin’.

“Nah, it’s a piece of cake, don’t worry about a thing, babe.”

“A piece of cake, huh? That’s not what Andrew says.”

“Yeah? Well Andrew’s a fuckin’ liar.” I say, gettin’ a little pissed that he would be givin’ Buffy the updates I told him not to give. “He talks shit up all the time. He loves playin’ it for the drama.”

“Faith, why do you treat me like I’m stupid? Like I’m not a slayer? Like I don’t know that things can turn out to be tougher than you thought?”

Oh shit, tread lightly here Lehane or your ass’ll get handed to you. Per usual.

“I didn’t want to worry you.” I mumble into her stomach.

She lets out a frustrated sigh.

“Buffy, please, I’m handlin’ it. We’re winnin’. Doin’ what needs to get done. And I’m comin’ home every night like I promised.”

“And I appreciate that. But you don’t have to kill yourself doing it.”

“I’m gonna keep my word, and that’s that.”

“Well then don’t get upset if you have to do things that you want to get out of. I don’t want to hear the whining. You make me feel like it’s a chore for you to go out with us.”

Oh fuck that! That’s the last thing I ever want her or Mia to feel.

“No, Buffy, I was just bein’ a little lazy. I’m up and I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes.”

“You’ve got twenty.” She starts to break away from me so she can leave and then stops and looks at me. “I appreciate what you’re doing, honey and I’m sorry I had to go all ‘Mom’ on you.”

“You can go ‘Mom’ on me anytime, baby. Apparently, I still need it. Especially the spankin’s.” I look up and wink at her and she gives me a big smile and a laugh.  Then she closes the gap between us and plants a sweet kiss on me. It turns heavy for a few minutes and she finally manages to break away from the kiss.

“We can’t Faith, not now.” She’s breathin’ heavy and my eyes are tryin’ their best to focus. “Leah and Kara should be here with Joey soon.”

My brain finally kicks into gear.

“Oooh, they’re comin’ with us?”

“Yep, they don’t have afternoon classes so they decided to spend the day. Is that ok?”

“Wonderful,” I rub her belly. “The more the merrier.”

She smiles at me. “I’m so glad you think so.”

“I’d be stupid not to.” I give her a big smile, makin’ sure to give her the dimples she loves to see.

It looks like she’s in a daze for a second and then snaps out of it, her willpower is somethin’ to be marveled. “Ok, then, let’s get going.” She steps completely away and leaves the room.

I go off to the shower and smile as I hear Mia fightin’ with Dawnie ‘cause she wants to bring all her toys to the park and Dawn says she can’t.

She’s such a good girl, though, she takes disappointment really well. Buffy’s always tellin’ me I need to take after Mia more. There was even this one day where I got all shitty ‘cause I wanted somethin’ and Buffy wouldn’t let me get it. The truth is, I really didn’t need it, and come to think of it I don’t even remember what it was. We were out at the mall shoppin’ and I got all moody after she told me no, so I went out to sit on the bench and Mia came with me. She sat next to me, studyin’ me for a while and then kissed the side of my head and said, “Be a good girl Mommy, you’ll see, Momma will get it for your birthday.”

I laughed and pulled her to me, kissin’ her and bouncin’ her on my knee. Her laugh and presence makes all my worries and moodiness go away. A lot like what Buffy does for me. She’s a really sweet girl, always givin’ kisses and wantin’ raspberries on her stomach. Just like Buffy too, come to think of it. Heh.

Fifteen minutes later and we’re all ready to go to the park. I took a super quick shower and didn’t shampoo, ‘cause I had taken a shower before fallin’ into bed the night before. Well, the mornin’ actually, ‘cause I got in at like 3am.

We’re loungin’ on our huge picnic blanket and Joey’s runnin’ around with the dog Leah and Kara got for him. Mia’s tryin’ to keep up with them.

Off in the distance I see someone who looks like Red, drag someone who looks a lot like Satsu across the field. As they get closer, I see exactly who they are: A very pregnant Willow, and a very tired and cranky lookin’ Satsu.

“Hey, Will. Who’s the angry boy you brought with you?” I ask with a laugh.

Satsu glares at me and I know if Mia wasn’t runnin’ up to them right now, she would have told me to go fuck myself or at least have given me the finger.

“I got like three hours sleep, Faith.”

“Like I got any more?”

Buffy pats my leg, “Don’t start the fights.”

“Don’t worry, B. We’re not gonna fight,” I lower my voice and mumble. “Not here anyway.”

Buffy pulls my head around to hers, “Don’t be cute.”

“That’s like askin’ the sun not to set, baby. I’m always gonna be cute.”

I jump up before she can swat my ass and run off so the dog follows me. He’s jumpin’ and yippin’ at me and wants me to throw him his Frisbee.

I love this dog, he can catch a Frisbee like nobody’s business. So I tell him to go long and he looks at me like I’m a nut, but I know better, ‘cause he fuckin’ takes off like a shot and runs a football field’s length. I whip that fuckin’ thing and as soon as it gets above his head he stops runnin’ and makes a picture perfect leap, snatchin’ the flyin’ disc out of mid-air and makin’ a perfect landin’ on the ground.

Everyone’s clappin’ and Xander’s sayin’ “Nice arm, slick.”

Satsu gets up and says, “I can do better than that.” She steps away from the blanket she and Will just laid down and bends down to Ripper who drops the Frisbee at her feet.

Leah heard about Giles’ nickname bein’ Ripper and used it for the dog. Joey loves the name, he thinks it’s cool. Giles was actually flattered.

“Go long, boy!” Satsu shouts and Ripper takes off like he did before. Only she doesn’t throw it when I did, she lets him run further out. I’m about to tell her no, when she lets the Frisbee go and it burns down the field and to its destination. I start takin’ off even before Ripper’s up in the air.

Out of instinct, Satsu starts runnin’, too. We hear the splash about three seconds after Ripper catches the Frisbee and drops out of view; Satsu yells out. “Oh fuck, no!”

In the distance behind us, I can hear a few gasps and “Oh, god’s.”

I also hear Buffy say, “Don’t worry, Lee. Faith’s got it.”

Satsu speeds up and overtakes me as we get to the edge of the lake. She didn’t realize this embankment dropped off into the water, or else she wouldn’t have thrown the Frisbee like that. And the bad thing for Ripper is, this side has a huge wall. He’d have to swim way too far over to the other side to get back up on land.

As soon as Satsu gets to the edge she swan dives right into the water and lands near Ripper who’s doin’ a mean doggy paddle. He’s still got the fuckin’ Frisbee in mouth. That cracks me up.

Satsu grabs onto him and swims to a part of the wall that I direct her to, it’s got some rocks she can climb up on.

I see a couple of beat cops runnin’ up as she’s climbin’ up the wall. They’re yellin’ to her, “Miss, hey, Miss, you can’t swim in that water. Miss!”

I tell them she was just tryin’ to rescue the dog and they tell me to tell her to be more careful. There could be all kindsa things in the water apparently.

When she’s near the top I hold out my hand for her to grab onto, I pull her up the rest of the way. When she’s eye level, I give her my best shit eatin’ grin.

“You set me up?” She asks hurt.

“Not at all, but why you gotta try to show me up all the time?”

I pull her up the rest of the way and set them on the ground.

Satsu’s exhausted, so she splays out on the grass tryin’ to catch her breath. I think she’s more scared then tired from the run, but she really did fuckin’ turn on the jets once she realized he had gone into the water. It was awesome to watch. Ripper lays the Frisbee by her hand and barks at her. He wants to do that shit again, I guess he thought it was fun.

“No, boy! No more splashies, ok?” I tell him. “Should I carry you?” I look at Satsu with a smirk on my face.

She groans and rolls over then gets to her feet, lookin’ like a drowned rat. She bends down and picks Ripper up and we make our way silently back to the blankets.

“There’s my girl.” Will says cheerily. “Did you have a nice dip?”

“Willow…” Satsu whines.

There are some chuckles from various people, but no one says a thing. They’re really stunned that Satsu did something like that, ‘cause usually she’s calm, reserved and level headed.

I guess I’ve been ownin’ her a lot on the mission lately and she was tryin’ to get even or somethin’.

She shouldn’t feel that way though. I don’t get competitive about missions anymore, I just want to get them over with. Get in, get out, get back home.

Will chuckles at Satsu as she approaches her and gives her a kiss to the cheek. “Can’t stay dry, can ya?”

Satsu wiggles her brows, “Not when you like me wet.”

Xander coughs, “Uh, children present!”

“Yeah, and Joey and Mia, too.” I grin at him and take my seat next to Buffy. She pulls me back so my head is restin’ in her lap, and Mia comes and sits on my stomach, I raise my legs so she has somethin’ to rest back against.

Will quietly and quickly performs a spell to dry Satsu and Ripper off, if you didn’t see the rustlin’ of their hair and Satsu’s clothes you wouldn’t notice anything was up.

Satsu finally lets Ripper down and he runs up to Joey, lickin’ his face and tuggin’ at his shirt. He still wants to play.

Buffy’s watchin’ them and a smile is bloomin’ on her face.

I tilt my head back and watch her. Fuck, my heart still skips beats when I look at her. Mia’s chattin’ away about somethin’ and then realizes she’s not bein’ heard.

“Ma!”

My fuckin’ heart sinks like a stone and I get goose bumps. That sounded just like me when I was a kid. ‘Cept I usually would be runnin’ away and yellin’ that, not sittin’ with a look of indignation on my face until I was paid attention to.

“What?” Buffy asks.

“You didn’t listen!”

“I’m sorry, sweety, what did you say?”

“I said…”

“Since when does she call you ‘Ma’?” I cut Mia off and receive a pout for my troubles.

“For like a month now,” Buffy shrugs. “I didn’t even really notice it. I guess it’s just shorter for her.”

I don’t know why the fact that Mia’s usin’ that name for Buffy is so significant to me. Why it means so much.

There’s millions of kids all over the country callin’ their mother’s Ma, millions all over the world. My cousins call my Aunt ‘Ma’, my Aunt and Uncles called Gee Gee ‘Ma’. I called my mother ‘Ma’. But I never thought Mia would call either of us that, I dreaded it without even really realizin’ it, and now it’s like a weight’s been lifted.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“I asked if it was ok that she called me that.”

“It’s fine, just curious is all.” I look back up into Buffy’s eyes and she understands. “It’s perfectly fine.”

She smiles down at me and leans down to give me a kiss.

Mia and Joey make kissy noises. That makes me laugh.

Dawn gets up and takes both their hands, leadin’ them away from the blankets and goin’ out to play with Ripper. “Let’s leave the love birds alone, shall we?” She sounded like Giles there.

“You’re just jealous, Little G.”

As I lay here, I look around and take stock. The words ‘full circle’ come to mind. They’ve been kinda in my head off and on since Mia was born.

I’ve come a long way since first goin’ out to Sunnydale. As a matter of fact, everyone’s come into their own, and faster than we all could have hoped.

Satsu and Will got together about a year after Kennedy died, they’re havin’ their first kid, a boy, any day now. Xander’s still content to play the field. He thinks maybe he’ll be like Charlie Chaplin and have kids when he’s 70. I pointed out that old Chuckles had at least three kids while he was still young, but Xander just smirked and said somethin’ like, ‘How do you know I don’t?’, to which Willow replied, ‘They’d be hangin’ off your arms and on your back wherever you went.’ It’s true, if he ever knew he had a kid, he wouldn’t just abandon it and move on to the next woman. He’d rather lose his other eye.

Dawnie’s moved to New York permanently, which is a real fuckin’ help with me bein’ gone a lot lately. She’s also not with anyone at the moment, but we suspect that there’s this really cute guy she’s been shackin’ up with, ‘cause whenever Leah mentions the name ‘Kevin’, who’s a teacher at her school, Dawn gets this smile on her face that makes me wanna make kissy noises. But god forbid I kid her about somethin’, she’d get all vengeful and send me on a mission that I couldn’t come back from.

Giles is more or less retired, he’s tourin’ the world currently, livin’ out his dream of explorin’ everything and takin’ notes and pictures and sendin’ us postcards from the most obscure places. And every once in a while, B or I will get a call to go pick up a girl who didn’t know she was a slayer until Giles found her beatin’ the shit outta somethin’ much bigger than herself.

Alicia’s been the biggest addition to the family, besides Mia and therapy, that’s helped to relieve all my hang ups from childhood. I learned to trust her and learn from her. All her knowledge of vamps and demons has proved to be a huge asset to us in the field, and she’s been the biggest reason why Giles can relax when he’s out on his excursions. He knows we’re in good hands.

I even found out what her connection to my first watcher was, and it didn’t really surprise me, given the fact that she looked a lot like my grandmother as a younger woman. They were together for a while, before Emily became my watcher. At first when I found that out I was kinda devastated, not only that I felt responsible for her death, but that Alicia fell in love with someone who wasn’t my grandmother. But I understood. She didn’t want to upset Gee Gee’s life, and she still was able to be involved in it, by lookin’ after me.

I owe her a lot.

Speakin’ of someone who I owe a lot to, Buffy hands me a sandwich and laughs as my stomach growls loudly. She’s such a brat.

But a brat that I would walk the ends of the earth for.

We’ve been connected for almost thirteen years now, a couple for almost six, and we still surprise, love and frustrate each other like we just got together. And to give you a little insight into the frustratin’ part, last year was her year to work, and she had to go underground without a word for a week. Well, a week turned into two, turned into three, and by the fourth I was screamin’ in Andy’s face so much he started havin’ nightmares that I was that mother alien from Aliens and he was Sigourney Weaver. Have I mentioned he’s a fuckin’ nut? Now, Buffy knew what she was doin’ but that didn’t mean that I didn’t nut out on her when she got back. And that’s why it’s so important for me to come home each night, or mornin’ or whenever I can, for at least a few hours, so they know I’m ok and that Mia doesn’t wonder what happened to me.

This year, since it was my year to work, we decided to make a go at havin’ another kid. We did it with the same spell as last time, only this time around we didn’t speed it up, it took about a week for things to fully take shape, and it seems to have made a difference on how fast the baby’s growin’, ‘cause it’s not nearly as fast as the last time. She’s about two months, and while she’s bigger than a regular woman would be at two months, we know that’s because B’s not a regular woman.

She’s a fuckin’ goddess. And don’t you think I don’t let her know it.

Satsu’s cellphone rings me out of my thoughts.

“Hello?” She looks at me when she hears who’s on the line. “No. We’re in the park. You said tonight. Why…no…I did that already…ok, ok. Andrew, how many times do I have to say ok?” She waits a beat, “Ok.”

I chuckle and shake my head. She cracks me up.

Willow sighs and looks away as Satsu presses end and puts the phone back in her pocket. I sit up and wait for what I know is comin’.

“He wants us there in an hour.”

Xander’s already gettin’ up and checkin’ his PDA. “I thought we’d have more time.”

I shrug, “What’s new?”

“But, Faith! You promised!” I look over at a pissed off Joey. “You said we’d go on the swings after we eat.”

“And we will, you’re finished, aren’t you?” I say gettin’ up from my comfortable position, shovin’ the rest of the sandwich in my mouth. Buffy tosses me a bottled water and I skull half of it as Joey jumps on my back.

“I’ll head back now,” Xand says. “Buy you guys a few extra minutes.”

“Thanks, man.” I pat him on the back.

“No, problem.” He walks off all business like and then breaks into a Charlie Chaplin walk. Everyone laughs.

“Where’s Poppy goin’?” Mia asks, as she sees me and Joey gettin’ ready to go.

“C’mon, Mimi. Swings, baby. Let’s go.”

She gets up and runs to my side, pullin’ on my arm and usin’ my leg to help her climb up my side. I toss the bottle of water back onto the blanket and grab onto her, settlin’ her into a comfortable position, and makin’ sure Joey’s secure on my shoulders.

Rippers runnin’ and jumpin’ every few minutes as we make our way down to the playground.

“Look, there goes the pied piper.” Willow laughs.

It makes me smile.

Me. The tough assed, bitch, slut from Southie, who’d sooner kill you then look at you, who’s so stupid she doesn’t know what an Achilles Heel is.

Yeah right.

I feel a presence even before I hear any footsteps.

“Hey,” My heart does that flip thing I was talkin’ about earlier.

“Hey.”

“Ma!” Mia yells as her and Joey are bein’ pushed on the swings by me. “Look, I can point my toes towards the sky!”

“Faith won’t let us jump off ‘em, though.”

“Good, you shouldn’t be jumping off of them.” Buffy says as she stands behind me and hugs me from the back.

“Sorry, B.”

“I know, things come up,” She sighs. “But I’m glad you came even for a little while.”

“Me too.” I look up into the sky and the clear, piercin’ blue takes my breath away and breaks my heart just a little. Everything pure does that to me. For the first few months we had Mia, I was always on the verge of tears every time I looked at her, heard her cries or even thought of her.

I have a feelin’ this mission might be my last, but I don’t tell Buffy anything about that. We never speak of those kinda feelin’s to each other, not even how close we’ve come to death when we’re out there. That’s somethin’ for another day. Another time and place.

I just live right here, in this moment and thank fuck for my family and destiny.

They’re what brought me here, and made me who I am.

A tough assed mother fucker, with a hot woman, awesome kid, another one on the way, and a great family and friends.

And don’t you forget it.

‘Cause I never do.