Chapter Nine

We didn't patrol that night `cause B seemed to think it was more  important to sit in silence with Giles and Dawn all night. Maybe it  was. When I went to wake her up the next morning, she was back to  being topless. Guess it was her way of making me uncomfortable again.

Our routine was still in place, but it wasn't like it had been. The  sparring wasn't fun, it was brutal. Instead of going all-out, B hit  only to hurt. Maybe that doesn't make sense to a non-Slayer, but it  does to me. She hit me in every painful spot she could find, even if  she had to create'em first.

The whole week went that way, and it wasn't just the sparring. B did  all kinds of stuff to hurt me, and I'm not gonna go over it all  again. Was more than painful enough the first time around.

Can say that what made it all worse was the polite front she had  showing. She'd tear me up one side and down the other, all with this  smile on her face that never came anywhere near her eyes. I had no  clue how long she could keep it going, but I had no doubt I was gonna  be finding out.

There was nothing for me to do but suck it up, then do that whole  bleeding to death inside thing. The good news in the whole sitch was  that B and Dawn were on the right track. They were spending a lot of  time together doing the shit they always liked to do, that totally  boring girly crap stuff.

It was different with Giles though. I could see he was getting more  and more frustrated, but so far he hadn't done anything about it. B  did what I'd generously call the bare minimum with him, and that was  it. As hard as it was to watch, I knew it was a lot harder for them  to live. I also knew no way was Giles gonna let it slide for much  longer, no way he could.

We were just past the ten day point when Giles came strolling out  into the yard while we were going at it. B tensed, but she didn't  stop. Instead she ramped it up `til I was just about fighting for my  life.

About an hour went by, and then we called it. Giles went right into  Watcher mode:

"Faith, I noticed you're swinging your left arm out a tad too far on  your roundhouse. A more controlled motion would not only increase the  inherent power of the blow, it would also greatly increase the  accuracy."

"So keep it tighter?"

"Exactly."

"Gotcha. Thanks for the info."

"…And Buffy, your kicks show great improvement, but you're still  telegraphing your scissors somewhat."

There was silence, and B never even glanced at him. Giles stood there  looking at her, his face pretty much expressionless.

"Right...splendid. Faith, might I ask that you leave Buffy and myself  alone for a moment? I'd very much like to speak with her."

"Sure, that's cool. I'll just grab a shower and…"

"No! Giles, I don't want to get into this, whatever `this' is."

"Yes well, although I believe we are already well into `this', I'm  not sure that's our greatest problem right now. The fact that we  continue to speak to one another as if we've never met, most likely  is."

I started to head in, but B slid into my path. She didn't say a word,  but it was easy to see she was upset. Giles started to take a step  closer to her, but managed to stop himself before he actually moved:

"Buffy, please. I know things have been strained between us, but this  isn't how I want…While it's true I've been disappointed and hurt by  some of your actions of late, I must tell you that I'm incredibly  proud of the way in which you're attempting to turn things around."

Still nothing, and her whole body looked ready to take off. He must  have seen it too, but he kept going anyways.

"When Faith called and ordered us home, I freely admit I more than  had my doubts. Not about whether or not I wished to return, I've been  longing to do that since the day we left, but I was doubtful as to  whether now was the right time. But being home, seeing you try so  hard…Buffy, I don't wish to be anywhere else."

"Giles…"

"Faith is right, my place is at your side. We belong together, that  much is clear, and I am only asking that you do your best and I shall  do the same. This isn't an easy time for any of us, but I know if we  work together…"

And there went B, running off into the house. Great…just fucking  great.

We watched her until she was outta sight, and I didn't know what to  say to him.

"…Well, not quite the reaction one hopes for when baring one's heart  and soul."

"But that's okay, right G-man? She heard you, it's just kinda scary  for her now. Her wall's cracking, hell it's ready to fall, and she's  panicking."

"Faith, as much as I regret saying this, perhaps it would be best if  I…"

I could feel the panic rising in me now. I tried hard to stay calm,  but I kinda fucked it up.

"No! Giles, don't say it! B is right here, this close. Not saying all  the bad shit's over, but I am saying if we just hold on a little bit  longer, we get her back."

"But surely it's apparent…"

"Only thing that's apparent is if you leave, she's gonna take about a  million steps away from us."

He took his glasses off as he listened to me.

"I know it's tough to say the kinda things you just did and get the  reaction B gave ya. It's not fair and it hurts, I get that, but I'm  positive we got a real shot here. Giles, you know I'm no optimist. I  call shit like I see it, and I'm telling you we got her. But you have  to stay put, we're gonna lose her if you don't."

I musta been all kinds of worked up because he shoved his glasses  back on and patted my shoulder like I was a mental case or something.  It was nice, but it was his words that got me settled down:

"All right Faith, it's all right. Clearly now is not the time for me  to become a thin-skinned ponce. I shall endeavor to toughen up and  settle in for the long haul."

"It's not gonna be long, Giles."

He stopped patting me, but his voice still stayed all reassuring:

"She does look infinitely healthier than when I last saw her, and she  also seems much more like her usual self. You've truly done wonders  Faith, the least I can do is stick it out."

"That's great! And Dawnie?"

"I've not mentioned leaving to her, and I'm quite certain she  wouldn't be receptive to the idea at any rate. She's been miserable  without all of you."

I wiped some sweat off my forehead as I smiled at him.

"Not without me. I been gone a long time."

"Yes you have. Faith, surely you know how fond of you Dawn is? She  was deeply hurt that you left without a word to her, and it's that  hurt that lies behind her current anger with you."

"Yeah, kinda figured that. Guess I gotta talk to her."

He handed me his handkerchief so I could wipe the sweat off before it  drove us both nuts.

"That would most likely do wonders. I don't think it will take much  to sway her back to your side. Despite her rancor, she still seems to  believe that the sun sets and rises on whatever you say."

"Neat to have a fan."

He gestured toward the bench, and we sat side by side.

"With what I've heard from Willow and Xander, it sounds like you're  gaining quite the collection of us."

"Yeah well, better hold off until we see where this all ends up."

"Though it seems likely we shall end up where we all wish to be, your  efforts so far merit their own praise."

I was starting to squirm a little, I wasn't exactly used to Giles  praising me.

"Thanks, but I don't think it's really that big a deal."

"Then you are wrong. Buffy's incredibly lucky to have such a…good  friend. Clearly, we all are."

"……Always wanted your respect. Feels good knowing I've got it, even  for a little while."

He smiled big then, and patted me on the arm this time:

"You may rest assured that it's a most permanent condition."

Damn, no way did I ever think he'd say something like that. I wasn't  sure how to respond, but it made me feel good. I'd always liked and  admired Giles, and to hear him say I'd finally won him over was…Well  it was like that feeling you get when you're short on cash, and then  ya find an extra burger in your take-out bag. Only this was way  better than that. Way, way better.

"Faith! Hey, Faith!"

Willow came flying out of the house, her face all flushed.

"Easy there, Red. What's the what?"

"Buffy wants us to go out tonight!"

Right away it was red alert time for me.

"Yeah? Who's us?"

Willow was so excited, she could barely stand still:

"You, me, and Xander. And Buffy, but that goes without saying, right?"

"Right. So how'd this all happen?"

"We were just hanging out in the kitchen, and Dawnie was telling us  how her not `boyfriend' boyfriend is supposed to call her tonight.  Maybe that got Buffy thinking or something because she finally  stopped staring out the window, and suggested it herself."

This couldn't be good, it didn't fit with anything good. It did fit  with a lot of bad shit, like what was she staring at out the window  when she came up with her idea? Me and Giles talking about her, right  after she'd turned tail and run. No, not good, not good at all.

It was all wrong, but meanwhile Willow was standing in front of me  actually bouncing around with this huge grin on her face.

"Giles, do you want to come? It'd be a little weird, but we could…"

He smiled at her and looked kinda disgusted at the same time:

"Thank you, but I think I'd rather stay home. I've a new demon  compendium to delve into, and I need to do quite a bit of cross- referencing. I shan't be bored in the least."

"Great! Faith, isn't this great? I think it's a great sign, don't you  think it's a great sign? I mean, as far as signs go, I think this  baby's just screaming out `great'! We're going to have so much fun!"

I knew I should say something, just kinda prepare her in case B  wasn't on the level. But as I looked at her rambling on all excited,  well I just couldn't take it away from her. She'd dealt with so much  shit for so long, she deserved some happiness for a change.

I started praying right then that the whole deal really was what Red  thought it was. And then I lied right to her face, looking her right  in the eye:

"Yeah, pretty fucking great for sure! Way exciting!"

She hugged me, then grabbed Giles and started dragging him into the  house. She was still babbling, but enough was getting through that he  understood she was taking him to the computer. Man, did he ever look  unhappy.

"It's the perfect site for you, Giles! Trust me, you're gonna love  it!"

I stayed right where I was, feeling kinda queasy. B had to have seen  how happy and excited she'd made Willow, and Xander was for sure the  same way. Whatever she'd been planning, she was gonna have to call it  off now.

I was sweating as I stood in the direct sunlight, but it was a cold  sweat. The kind that makes ya shiver no matter how hot it is. A night  out on the town…Oh fuck.

 So here we were, at some nice club Willow and Xander knew about. Just  four old friends looking for a little fun, all on B's suggestion… Yeah, right.

I was way suspicious, but they were nothing but happy and hopeful. No  way could I just take that all away from them. Not based on a gut  feeling, not when I wasn't positive. B seemed fine, maybe it was all  legit and I was just being paranoid…Yeah, right.

The vibe I was picking up from B made me think this was "Get Some  Revenge on Faith Night". I think. She was crazy hard to read, and  that in itself was making me nervous as hell. I was already all on  edge since we'd gone slaying before we got to the club, and it was no  exaggeration to say it was the worst time I'd ever had slaying.

B killed everything. I only nailed one lousy vamp, and that was just  because the fucker tripped after B punched him. He landed at my feet,  and all I did was bend down and ram a stake into his heart. Not real  satisfying, and I was all keyed up and full of energy. No doubt about  it, this was a bad set-up.

Xander scored a primo booth in the back. It was near enough, but far  enough so we could hear each other over the music. God, they looked  so freakin' excited and happy, like they were out for their first  time ever. I couldn't blame'em, they were hoping their friend was  making her long awaited comeback. I was hoping that myself.

Didn't take long for the beer and wings to show up, and we all dug  right in. I was starving...and that was all. I was just gonna enjoy  the food and music, and I was gonna block out all the rest of it.

"This is fun! You guys wanna dance now?"

Red was all kinds of perky, it was cute how happy she was.

"I'm in, Will. Let's shake these booties!"

Xander jumped right up like somebody'd asked him to go pick up his  lottery winnings. B smiled at them and got to her feet, so I said:

"Think I'll hang back this time, see how big a geeks you guys are.  That way, can claim I never met ya if I gotta."

Xander grinned and offered an arm to both Willow and Buffy:

"I believe I heard a challenge mixed in with that insult. Ladies,  shall we go learn her?"

Willow latched onto him, but Buffy turned towards me:

"You know what? I'm going to stay and keep Faith company instead."

Oh shit. She slid back into the booth, except now she was sitting  right next to me.

"Aw Buffster, no. Come on, let's go boogie."

"Later, I promise. You and Will go get us started."

They took off looking a little unsure, but they were still happy and  ready for fun.

Fuck, I'd been so sure she was gonna dance and as wound up as I was,  no way did I wanna be anywhere near her when she did. Figured the  booth was the absolute safest place for me to be...I'm a real rocket  scientist, yeah?

I was also boxed in and short of flipping the table, I had no way  out. I looked her in the eye, and what I saw there settled it. I  flipped the table.

Leastways, that's what I tried. The fucker was bolted down. Tight. B  just smiled as she watched me.

"So F, why didn't you wanna dance?"

"Didn't feel like it."

"Remember when we danced?"

I didn't answer her, and we sat in silence. After a few, I met her  eyes again and she smiled. It sure as hell wasn't a nice smile, there  wasn't anything friendly in it anywhere, but it got my heart skipping  beats the second I saw it. God, if I could just get thrown back into  prison or trapped in the Hellmouth…anything to get the fuck out of  this goddamn booth.

No way was she gonna just let me out, and short of making a scene and  crushing all the Scooby fun, I was trapped. Her arm was resting on  the little ledge behind me, and I could feel her fingertips moving  back and forth along my bare shoulder. Goose bumps were popping up  all over me, and I was doing my best not to start shivering.  Everywhere she touched was…

"Okay B, go back to your seat."

She did this pretend pouting thing:

"But it's so hard to hear you way over there."

"Fine, then we just won't talk."

Her fingers kept moving around, all light and barely touching me.

"But don't we need to…talk? After all, we're friends and isn't that  what friends do?"

She reached over and took a sip of my beer.

"Got your own right there, B."

"Mmmm…I know, but yours tastes so much better."

I shoved on the table again, but it still didn't budge. I tried to  sound all casual and tough, but I knew my voice came out nothing but  desperate:

"Why don't you just go dance?"

"I like it better right here."

Her fingers were moving lower down my back, and I started sweating  and my heart sped up. She smelled so good, and this time when she  drank my beer, her tongue licked her lips clean for like an hour. I  found myself staring at her mouth.

"Faith, do you like this shirt?"

Against my will my eyes followed along as her hand made its way down  the front of her shirt, stopping to circle on and around all the most  important places. I was in trouble and I knew it.

She moved closer to me, her thigh flush against mine, her breast  pushed up tight against me. I didn't move away, even though inside I  was screaming at myself to do just that. It was like I was being  hypnotized. She was doing almost nothing, but my free will was  disappearing like it was some kinda magic trick.

She leaned over me to grab a napkin, and I groaned as I felt her  sliding against me. The noise made her smile, and she stayed right  where she was.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"…N…No. Sit back down."

She wiggled around a little:

"Are you sure? I feel pretty comfortable right where I am."

"……Buffy, don't try this again."

"Why not? It still seems like just what you want."

Her hand was tracing patterns on my upper thigh, and her lips and  tongue were swirling all around my ear, neck, and jaw. Her other hand  wrapped itself in my hair, and the truth of it was, I wasn't putting  up much of a fight. Okay, the real truth of it was, I wasn't putting  up any fight. I was just breathing heavy, and thinking clearly was  like trying to think clearly.

I knew I had to stop her, but it felt so good, she felt so good. She  turned my head towards her, and then her lips were on mine. I tried  to jerk back, but the hand in my hair held me right where I was.

Her lips were perfect. I felt like I was on fire, but I wasn't. That  came a second later when her tongue slid into my mouth. I almost lost  it right then and there, and I moaned into her as the kiss just kept  going. It lasted a long time, and not anywhere near long enough.

She broke it off, not me. All I could do was just sit there quivering  while I struggled to breathe. My heart was just pounding, and I  couldn't get my eyes open. It was like I couldn't remember how.

"Open your eyes."

I did, and she was so close I could see the little flecks of gold  swirling around in the green. God, she had the most beautiful eyes,  and I could have died happy just staring into them forever…

"Wanna come?"

…Do I wanna…Oh, she means to the dance floor. Yes…no…I do not. I  absolutely do not. I will not be doing that.

"…N…No, I'll come here…I mean, I'll stay put…here, I mean."

My fucking voice came squeaking out like I was a kid just hitting  puberty.

"Okay, your choice. See you soon…F."

That sounded like a threat to me, that's what it was, right? Before I  could figure it out, she found a way to slide all over me as she got  out of the booth, slowing trailing her hand down my bare arm. I  watched her all the way to the dance floor, grabbing the table so  hard it started cracking. Oh yeah, now the fucker wants to give way.

She started dancing like she could, and I couldn't take my eyes off  her. I was drinking beer like I'd been lost in the Sahara for weeks,  and I started thinking about all the dances we could do if…

"Where's Buffy?"

I jumped, and sloshed beer all over the place. Willow was looking at  me waiting for an answer, and Xander was scanning around for B. They  were pretty sweaty and flushed, but not as much as I was.

I just pointed because I couldn't trust my voice yet, and Willow  spotted her first:

"Wow…she's really having…fun."

Xander's mouth was hanging open, and his eye was about as wide as he  could get it:

"Is she…I mean…Is she dancing or having sex?"

I motioned for another pitcher as the waitress swung by, and I could  feel Willow's eyes all over me.

"Faith, you look funny. Are you okay?"

B chose that moment to shimmy, slink, saunter, and ooze her way back  to the booth.

"Hey, where'd you guys go?"

Xander had his mouth shut now, so he answered her:

"We needed some nectar of the Gods."

"Plus he kept crushing my feet."

"A small price to pay for the moves I was throwing down."

The waitress dropped off the new pitcher, and Xander sat down next to  me as he poured out a glass. Willow slid in across from us, but Buffy  stayed on her feet.

"Well I can't dance by myself. Come on F, wanna do it?"

I had to say something, I couldn't not speak for the rest of my life.  Plus I had Xander's big strong body running interference for me.

"No thanks, I'm good right here."

Xander, oblivious to everything as usual, slid out and tugged on my  arm:

"Aw come on Faith, show us how it's done. Will and I can definitely  use the pointers."

Willow was sensing something because her eyes kept bouncing from me  to B. Meanwhile, B got sick of the delay and moved Xander to the  side, forcibly pulling me out and right up against her.

She practically purred in my ear:

"Time for some fun, baby."

I let myself be led, even though I knew I had to stop things before  they went any further. Wasn't like I had a good excuse either, just  had my reasons why I was letting it go on. What were those reasons?  We'd been slaying and she was Buffy. That's it, and don't even bother… I know how fucking lame I sound.

When we got out there, I turned around to go. She stopped me, and how  do I put this? She kinda wove herself all around me, sliding and  rubbing along until I could feel her touching me everywhere.

I felt myself start moving, and then we were dancing. Oh man, were we  dancing. I was getting lost in her, and I was forgetting why I  shouldn't.

"Mmm…this is so good. I can feel you, and you feel amazing."

I didn't answer, I just kept trying not to follow her every lead.

"God, we're so good at this…Bet I know what else we'd be good at…Can  you feel me? Mmmm F…do you feel me too?"

Did I feel her? Oh yeah, I felt her. I'd been doing nothing but  feeling her since the day we met, and all I wanted was to keep right  on…

Shit, I had to stop this. It wasn't real, she didn't mean any of it.  She was just punishing me, and I had to stop her before…Oh fuck…

Her lips were back at my ear, her voice all low and sexy:

"Have you ever wondered what it'd be like? Just you and me, nothing  between us…"

I was having trouble breathing. Images of us together and naked were  filling my brain, and I just stood there while she rubbed against me.

"Just saying the hell with everything else…doing what our bodies  tell us to do…I've thought about that F, I've thought about it a lot."

Her breath was blowing along my neck, and I was starting to shiver.

"What it would feel like…all that skin on skin…All smooth and hot and  slick…"

I wish I could say I was stronger than I am. I wish I could say I  pulled her offa me, then told her to go fuck herself. I wish for all  kinds of shit that don't ever come true.

She nibbled on my neck, and I moaned when I felt her tongue licking  its way up to my ear again.

"You're so tense. Is it because you want something you think you  can't have?"

I felt like I was gonna explode. I was trying not to move, but her  hands on my ass swayed my hips with hers.

"You can have it…you can have it right now…Just take me...you know  you want to…Come on F, I want you to."

My arms were shaking like I was a spastic or something. I kept  fighting to keep'em at my sides, but I couldn't really remember why I  wanted'em there.

She slid along my body until she was behind me, her smell floating  everywhere. Her hands came around, one at my breast, the other below  the belt. I leaned back into her groaning, and she rubbed herself  against me, her lips right next to my ear:

"Faith, it'll be so good…you know it will. Just let yourself  go…Take me."

So back to what I wish. I wish I could say that I walked right the  fuck away from her. That'd be cool, ya know? What really happened was  I spun around and my arms came up and pulled her closer to me,  something that seemed physically impossible just a second before.

I buried my face in her neck and started moving to the rhythm she  set. I was gonna do whatever she told me to do, and my hands started  roaming way past what's considered polite or proper in a club. Hell,  I was going way past what was considered decent in a whorehouse.

I didn't give a shit. I was with Buffy, and nothing else mattered to  me. I was gonna fuck everything up, I couldn't do anything else. All  my brain had in it was Buffy, all I knew was that I wanted her. All  the rest of it was gone, a blank.

It was Red who saved us. One second me and B were all over each  other, the next Willow had somehow managed to insert herself in  between us.

"Will! What in the hell are you…"

"Hi guys! I just got my second wind, so I thought I'd join you."

Jesus fucking Christ, thank God for Willow. I'd been right on the  verge of screwing everything right the fuck up, literally, and then  here came Willow Rosenberg to the rescue. Talk about pulling my ass  outta the fire.

My mind started clearing as she rambled on about Xander eating all  the wings, how she loved the music they were playing, how the  waitress was really nice, and how the what the fuck ever else popped  into her head.

B looked way beyond pissed, but before I could react, she did. She  reached around Willow, grabbed me by the hips, and slammed us all  together. I heard the air whoosh out of Willow's lungs as she  suddenly found herself the uncomfortable middle in a Slayer sandwich.

"Gee Willow, I never knew you were into threesomes. I can't believe  Tara ever swung that way, of course they say it's always the quiet  ones. But no, surely not Saint Tara? Oh well, it's a drag she died,  but if she was holding you back, well let's just say every cloud has  a silver lining. I mean, sometimes things turn out for the…"

Willow looked sick, and I knew the feeling. It was a bad move on B's  part, in all kindsa ways. The effect on me was colder than any water  getting tossed coulda been. I pulled Willow clear, and then I hit  Buffy just as hard as I could.

She flew through the air, stopping only because she crashed into a  wall. I jerked her to her feet, practically snarling:

"Don't you ever talk to her like that again."

She just smiled at me.

"Why so worked up, F? Gonna pop if you don't get a taste of…"

I hit her again, then stalked over to her. Xander had come over, and  he now had his arm around Willow. She looked shocked and hurt, and  Xander looked scared.

"Guys, we're leaving. Don't wait up for us."

I hauled B up and out of the club. We stomped, well I stomped, and  she pretty much got her ass dragged down the nearest alley.

"Where are we going?"

I was so mad, I could barely talk:

"No fucking clue. Don't want you around them, and I can't leave your  fucked up ass alone."

"I know, baby. Let's find someplace quiet and…"

I stopped walking and grabbed both of her arms hard enough to bruise:

"Knock it off. I wouldn't fuck you right now if my life depended on  it. Do you even know what you said to Willow? God Buffy, how could  you talk to her like that?"

I flung her to the ground, and started pacing back and forth in front  of her:

"I am so sick of all your feeling sorry for yourself bullshit. The  longer this goes, the more I'm starting to think you really are just  a mean fucking bitch who needs her ass kicked."

"Oh, and you're gonna be the one to do it?"

"Fucking right, only you're so fucked up, you'd probably enjoy it…You  wanna get back at me, B? Fine, but why'd you have to hurt Willow like  that?"

Buffy got to her feet, and I had to fight the urge to knock her back  down.

"So you're miserable, how's that make it okay to go that far? She's  not set-up for that kinda shit, and you know it. It's not fair and  you owe her better, no matter how screwed up you are."

I was so mad I had to keep moving so I wouldn't start beating the  hell out of her. I risked a quick look, and she did look sorry, like  she'd just realized what she'd actually said. I kept pacing, asking  myself the whole time where this fucking nightmare had hidden the  real Buffy.

"I…I guess I shouldn't have said…"

"You guess?! You fucking guess?! Is that really the best you can  do?! You're so fucked up you don't `know' you've been an asshole?! Ya  gotta `guess' about it?!"

I stood right in front of her, and she couldn't meet my eyes.

"Well let me help you out then, Slayer to Slayer: You are a complete  and utter bitch from Hell. You're so far outta line, you're standing  in another time zone…God! Fuck you, Buffy. Fuck you, you fucking  bitch!"

I was so furious, I screamed all of that right in her face. I could  have killed her.

"Congratulations B, ya did a great job tonight. See, I knew what you  were after. Figured somehow it was gonna be payback time for me, but  your friends? The ones who've stood by you all this time? Well they  actually thought that maybe, just maybe their best friend wanted to  spend a little time with them having some fun."

She wasn't looking anywhere near me, and that was just fine.

"They were hoping tonight meant maybe you gave a shit about them, but  they're pretty stupid, aren't they B? So tell me, you feelin' good  now that you hurt'em again? Was that part of your big plan? Well  guess what? It won't make any difference, and how fucked up is that?  No matter what shit you pull, no matter how awful you are, they'll  just keep hanging on."

She raised her hand up to her face, and I could see it was shaking.  It'd finally hit her, what she'd done, what she'd said, and she had  nowhere to go to get away from it.

"They love you, but don't ask me to make ya a list `cause I got no  fucking clue why right now. But you go ahead and just bask in those  good feelings, Buffy. You can feel real proud 'cause you definitely  outdid yourself tonight."

She was still staring at the ground, and I could see there was some  wetness on her cheeks. Well not enough, as far as I was concerned.

"So this is what it's come to? You're so fucking desperate, you're  gonna throw Tara in Willow's face? That seems like something she  deserves, B? Okay then, since you've made it way clear that dead  lovers are fair game, I got some stuff I wanna say."

"Faith, please…"

"Shut up. I'm not at all interested in pleasing you. Just interested  in playing your game the way you wanna play it. Let's me and you talk  about Spike now."

"No, I don't…I can't…"

"Already got the basics, plus you know how good I am at reading  between the lines. So here's what I got so far: you killed him. You  just let him die. You let go of him and he…"

She started running then. I threw a garbage can lid into the back of  her legs, and brought her down. We fought, but I had the upper hand  and just managed to keep it. I sat on her ass, and pulled her arms  behind her. My grip was tight, she wasn't going anywhere.

"It's my turn now, so stick around. Here's the thing I don't get B,  didn't you care about him at all? I mean, he loved you, saw that for  myself. Guy followed you around like a lovesick puppy, always begging  for whatever scraps you'd toss his way."

She'd quit struggling, and I could tell her eyes were closed tight,  even though her head was turned away from me. Guess that's just a  human instinct, but I know that shit never works. She couldn't help  but hear me, and I wasn't stopping for anything.

"Sure had him trained good, I'll give ya that. He'd follow any orders  you gave him, do anything you asked. Thing is, can't say I ever saw  you give him much back. I did see you using him when you needed to,  then pushing him away when you didn't. Pretty sweet sitch, B."

"…Fuck you."

I knew she wanted it to sound all tough, but her voice was just too  shaky and tiny to pull it off. All she sounded like was what she was,  somebody right on the edge of breaking.

"Was it supposed to be this big hard choice for you? Don't seem like  that to me. All came down to a guy you didn't love and a sister you  couldn't care less about. Yeah, sounds like a tough one, alright. Or  do I got the people involved mixed up? This is Dawn we're talking  about, right? The sister you treated like shit and pushed away so  hard, her ass ended up all the way over in England? Wow, nice one, B.  The way you went at it, it's like Spike died for nothing. You're a  master at this shit, yeah?"

She wasn't struggling or moving at all, and she was crying right out  in the open now. I got off her and stood up.

"So let me ask ya, why didn't you just let'em both go? Sure woulda  made things a lot easier for ya."

"…"

"Well? What do ya got to say for yourself?"

"……Nothing."

"'Nothing'? Yeah well, better come up with something or I'm gonna. I  got a shitload of stuff to say to you, and I'm pretty sure you don't  wanna hear it. Now talk, Buffy."

"It…It wasn't like that…You don't know…You weren't there."

"Then tell me. I got it wrong, set me straight."

She sat up, still crying and looking about twenty years older than  she oughta. My heart went out to her, but I made myself stay tough.  This was what she needed to do, and I wasn't gonna be doing her any  favors if I let it go.

"Well? Gonna be me or you doing the talking?"

"……It was just a normal night. No big bad, nothing going on at all.  It was just me and Spike out on a normal patrol…Dawnie'd begged to  come with us like always, and this time I said she could. Everything  was fine. We'd killed four vamps, and Spike and Dawn were goofing  around like they usually did. They loved each other so much, you  know?"

"I remember."

"They were making me laugh, ganging up on me…then it happened. I…I  reacted too slowly, I should have been faster…There was a bright  flash of light, then these three demons just appeared. Spike and I  both told Dawn to run, but it was already too late. We fought them,  and we killed them pretty easily. Spike had just started bragging…"

She sucked in a deep breath like she was steadying herself, then  picked up the story again:

"That's when Dawnie screamed. This vortex thing just opened up, and  she was getting pulled in. Spike dove and he…he just grabbed onto  her. Then it started dragging him in too. I wrapped my legs around  this little tree, and got them both. I had a good firm grip, so at  first…I thought it was going to be okay, you know? I told Dawnie it  would be, and she calmed down right away because she…she believed me.  She thought I could……I made our plan, and we got set. I pulled, I  pulled as hard as I could, but I couldn't get them clear. I kept  trying…I tried so hard, but I just wasn't strong enough."

She looked like she was a million miles away, and I knew she was  right back there watching and feeling it all happen again.

**Slayer, need both hands to pull her out.**

**Shut up, Spike.**

**Not a lot of time left. You can get her clear if you let go of  me and…**

**Shut up! I can't do that…I won't. We just have to …**

**Tree's cracking on us, luv. That happens, we all die. You've got to  let go of me to save her and yourself. It's okay.**

**'Okay'? How is that `okay'?! I can hold on until…**

**…until the tree breaks, and we all get sucked in. Listen to me now:  my time's up, is all. Always knew it'd be at your side.**

**Spike, don't. Please just…**

**Nibblet, can you get your legs up on me?**

**I…I think so.**

**Good girl! Now when I count to three, want you to push off on me  just as hard as you can towards your big sis. Hard as you can now, no  namby pamby stuff. Promise me, Little Bit?**

**…I promise.**

**Trusting you now.**

**I promise…I love you, Spike.**

**Got my heart always Dawnie, always.**

**Spike, I am not letting you go! There has to be another way!**

**There's not, and you know it. We'll work together like always or  I'll make you let go…Buffy, you know I'm right.**

**Spike, please…**

**Been the blessing of my life, and I don't regret anything about  loving you. Don't you ever feel guilty about this, you're The Slayer  and you do what needs doing. Dawnie deserves her life, I've had mine.  You understand me, Slayer?**

**Yes…I love you, William.**

**This time I know that's true, and I'm taking it with me. My  beautiful Buffy, what a woman...Bloody marvel, you are. Thank you,  both of you…Right then, gonna go on three. Hard as you can now,  Nibblet. Can't go back on your word…Ready?**

She was crying really hard now, but I could still understand every  word she said:

"He counted, and when we got to three I…I let go of him and grabbed  Dawnie with both hands. He pushed her towards me, and when he saw I  had her he yelled: `Best damn Slayer ever'. He was grinning as he was  pulled back into…We could hear him laughing, then we saw him burning… The vortex snapped shut and he was gone…Spike was gone."

She was shaking and she looked so sad, there was nothing I wanted  more than to hold her. But I stayed where I was because it was  obvious she had more to say.

"I didn't cry, not one tear. Dawnie went to pieces, I had to carry  her all the way home. She was sobbing, but not me. Spike was dead,  and I couldn't even cry. As soon as we got home, everyone started  checking everything we could think of. We were…they were hoping this  was like one of a million other times and we could get him back. We  tried everything, researched even the dumbest possibilties, but it  was over. He was really gone, and there was no way to change it. I  was the only one who wasn't…I already knew he was dead. I knew that  the instant I let go of his hand."

"B, you did what you had to, what he wanted you to."

"…"

"Even if you hadn't, he woulda made you. He needed you and Dawn to be  safe, and he wouldn't have let you…"

Her voice started at a whisper, like it was coming from way far off,  but it built up steam until it was nearly blasting out of her.

"It just won't stop…God Faith, why won't it stop? They just keep  dying and I…I should have hung on. I'm the fucking Slayer, The Chosen  One, and I couldn't even pull two people I loved to safety. I never  should have let Dawnie come with us. I should have moved faster when  I heard them. I felt something was off right before they appeared,  but I was too busy laughing and joking around to do my job. I should  have patrolled on my own, I should have…"

"You shoulda had a crystal ball. B, there was nothing else you could  have done. You're strong, there's nobody any stronger, and if you  couldn't do it, nobody else could have either. I know you, and I know  how hard you tried, how fast you reacted. I know you pulled with  everything you had, and I know you'd still be hanging on if you could  be. He knows it too. You couldn't save'em both because it just wasn't  possible to do. There was no way B, no way at all. I know that's true  because otherwise he'd be here, you'd have made sure of that."

She lost it then, and I went to her. I pulled her to me and she hung  on like her life depended on it.

This whole thing was so unfair. She had so much responsibility, so  much pain, and they just kept piling it on her all the time. Yeah I  know she's The Slayer, but whoever was in charge was still a fucking  bastard. Be nice to kick their stupid ass straight to Hell, let'em  see what it was like.

I had to carry her home, probably just like she did with Dawn. When  we got there, Willow was waiting up for us. She never said a word,  just helped me get B into her pajamas, and then into bed.

B never spoke either, not until Red was heading out:

"Willow, wait…I'm so sorry about before…what I said…I didn't mean it,  you know how much I loved Tara…I could never mean what I said. Please  tell me you know that…I'm begging you…please Will…I'm so sorry…I didn't mean it…please know I didn't mean it…please Will."

Of course Willow responded just like you think she would. She ran  back to Buffy and hugged her tight.

"Shhh…I know Buffy, I know. Shhh…it's okay, we're okay. You just rest  now."

Buffy was sobbing again, and Willow kept telling her it was okay  until she calmed down. After they got done, I tagged along behind Red  on my way out of the room, but B stopped me:

"Faith?"

"Yeah, B?"

"Could you…I mean, would you stay with me? Even if it's just until I  fall asleep?"

"Sure. I'll stay as long as you need me to."

She looked way relieved, and held up the blankets so I could slide  under. I took off my boots and got in.

I held her in my arms like she was a scared little kid, and she  snuggled up against me like that's what she was. She fell asleep  while I stroked her hair and whispered what I hoped were comforting  things to her. Guess they were, `cause she went out and stayed out.

I half sat, half laid there all night, never moving as I held her. A  few times she seemed to be having bad dreams, and I did my best to  calm her down. Musta done it good enough because she never woke up,  and she stopped being restless.

I stayed there watching over her until the sun started coming up.  Always does that whether ya want it to or not. Had these huge  fucking cramps in my arms and legs, my back hurt like a goddamn  bitch, and my neck was definitely busted. I didn't give a shit. Last  night had been the best night of my life.

Next