Chapter Ten I got her up for breakfast at 7:00 sharp. It was just as shitty for me, but I wanted to keep to the routine. Willow, Xander, and Giles were already at the table acting totally normal, and Dawn showed up about half an hour later, also way normal. B didn't say a word, but she stayed through the whole meal. Truth of it was, she looked kinda shell shocked. I understood that. Last night she'd come face to face with a lot of stuff, and now in the light of the morning, she didn't know how to deal with it. A few hours ago she'd found herself saying shit to her best friend that she probably still couldn't believe she'd said, and it'd given her a clear-eyed look at just what she'd been turning herself into. She didn't wanna see it anymore. Yeah, well neither did anyone else. Too bad. This was where she was, this was who she was becoming, and this was also where she could put a stop to it. No way was I gonna let her spend the day alone and feeling sorry for herself. All that would do was piss her off and send her into another tailspin, so not the way it was gonna go. I was going to be in her face all day long, and she was going to deal with last night. I wanted her to remember that she was lying in a filthy alley bawling out of control, while she confessed her guilt over something that wasn't even her fault. There were already too many things on her, no way was I letting her carry Spike's pile of dust on her shoulders. Far as I could tell, today was the day. She was standing on the edge, and she could make it back right now. All she needed was a little push, and I was more than ready to give her a shove. This was her moment, and she was damn well gonna take it. I should've been exhausted, but my adrenaline was really pumping. Spending all night with her, being needed by her, being let right the fuck in, well I was flying high and feeling good. I was ready to finish it, no matter what it took. She was this close, and I wasn't gonna let her slip away from it. No fucking chance. Breakfast was done, and we all just sat at the table. B was staring off into space, so I interrupted and asked if she was ready to work out. "…No, not today." "Why not?" The look she gave me said she thought I'd gone nuts. "…It was a rough night, okay?" "Yeah it was a rough night, so what? You've had'em before, a whole buncha times. A little sparring and sweating will clear a lot of that shit right outta ya. C'mon, let's do it." I wanted to laugh at her expression. She was torn about what her next move should be, and I could see everything she was thinking on her face. She was grateful to me for being there for her last night, so she didn't wanna fight with me. She was mad at me for being there for her last night, so she wanted to kill me. She was scared of me for being there for her last night, so she wanted to hide from me. She was guilty about me being there for her last night, so she…Last night was such a big fucking deal, it was trying to run today too. "I said `no'…and I don't want to talk about it either." "Yeah? Well either we're gonna spar or we're gonna talk." "No, we're not. I'm going to go back to bed." "You're not going anywhere B, except out to the backyard to train." She was trying to do that whole superior, holier than thou attitude she always gets going at times like this, but it wasn't coming off too well. "…Faith, I appreciate last night, but you are not giving me orders. I…" "Don't much give a shit what you appreciate. Last night was last night. Case you didn't notice, this is today, a whole new deal. And today we're gonna train, just like always." No one else was making a sound, but they somehow got quieter as B exploded: "God! I don't feel good, all right?" "Sure, that's fine with me, but it seems like you don't know why you don't feel good. Let me explain it to ya then. You don't feel good B, because you were a horrible bitch to Willow, you told me about Spike dying, and your big tough special protection wall fell down. I saw it go, Willow saw it go, and by now, everybody else knows what happened. Well, what the fuck ever. Now let's go spar." "I don't know what you think last night was, but nothing has changed. Things…" "Christ Buffy, everything's changed. It all changed when I scooped ya up off the ground and carried your sobbing ass home. That was you, right? And it was you who was begging Willow to forgive ya? And you were the one who asked me to stay because you were too scared to be alone, right?" She looked pissed and shocked, and it took her a few before she could say anything. "…I can't believe you. Why are you throwing that back in my face?" "I'm not throwing it B, but I'm not gonna help you pretend it didn't happen either. It did, and there's not a damn thing wrong with admitting it. You fucked up with Willow, asked her to forgive you, and like friends do, she did. You told me a nightmare of a story about how you lost somebody you loved, and it upset you." She was staring at me all confused. I guess it wasn't going like she thought it would. "You asked for a little comfort, and I gave it to you because you asked and I wanted to. There was nothing weird or unusual about any of it. You were hurting, got some of it out, and now here we all are. It's a brand new day, and the bullshit you've been running is over. Now you're feeling raw, wide-open, and scared shitless, understood. But ya can't go back B, it's way too late for that." Her face looked like everything I'd just said. Her hands were gripping the table hard, and she wasn't far from busting it. "We all see you, we're lookin' right at ya. You're Buffy, and we all know it now. There's nothing that can change that, no way for you to make any of us forget it again, so don't waste your time tryin'. I'll be waiting for ya in the backyard. Got this new move I wanna get your opinion on. It's cool, but thinking it needs something else, ya know?" Then I got up and walked out, and you coulda heard a pin drop. I wasn't worried, she'd come out. She wanted to, but it was gonna take a while for her to wrestle herself out the door. Fine with me, not like I had something else to do. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, I'd wait. About thirty minutes passed before I saw the backdoor opening kinda slow. She came out like she'd never done it before, and I could tell how hard it was for her to do. But fuck that, she's B, and she just kept right on doing it anyway `cause she's got more guts than anyone you know. I stood up, and I couldn't keep the smile off my face: "All set?" It took her a minute to answer: "…Yes." "Great." We went at it for about two hours. When I finally showed her my new move, she put me right on my ass. I had to laugh, she was so good at on the fly. She figured out what was wrong, tried it on me, and I was on my ass again. "Fuck B, was my move and I'm gettin' my ass kicked with it left and right. What the hell?" "Can I help it that I'm just better than you?" She stuck out her hand and pulled me to my feet. "Oh please Blondie, can take ya whenever I want." "Really? Let's see." "Fine with me. Hope ya got your insurance all paid up." We went at it full tilt, and of course when it was all said and done, B was on top. Her eyes looked clear, and she was smiling down at me: "Well, hotshot? I thought you were going to take me?" "Uh yeah…Well, I let ya win." "You let me win?" "Sure, figured I might as well after ya had me pinned for good." She laughed and shifted off me. We were both sprawled on the grass trying to catch our breath, and it was still a beautiful day. At least it was to me. "Faith?" "Yeah?" "…I…uh…Never mind." I turned over to face her: "Hey, can't just leave me hangin'! My heart can't take it, B! I gotta know, I just gotta! Can't live if I don't hear it! Pretty please, B? Pretty please with chocolate on top? And not that shitty chocolate either. Nope, only the chocolate you love the very most! Pleeeeease!" She rolled her eyes just like she always did whenever I acted like a whining little kid. I used to do it over the dumbest shit, and even though I knew what she had to say now was anything but dumb, well I also knew I had to ease the tension a little if she was gonna have a chance to get it out. Figured I'd give the old standby a shot. Seemed to do the trick 'cause she was still smiling a little, and then she was talking: "Okay Faith, no need to beg. I was just going to say…I was just thinking…I've messed everything up." I'm telling ya, I wanted to jump and sing and call the local paper, throw a major fucking party. Instead I just sat there all calm and mature and said: "Yeah, ya did. Pretty big time too." "Everything's just so, well it's such a big mess…I don't think I can ever make it right." We laid there for a little bit. "Hey, B?" "Uh-huh?" "If it helps at all, I know you can do it. Just need to start small, make a few little changes and see where they take ya." She blew out this big shaky breath, and I could see the tears getting ready to spill. "…The things I've done, the things I've said……How can I ever make up for all of the horrible…" "Trust me Buffy, you can. You absolutely can." We went quiet again, and this time it lasted so long I thought maybe she'd drifted off. The sunshine was plenty warm enough to make ya sleepy, but she wasn't sleeping. When she finally spoke up, her voice was so small: "How can I face them?" "They still love you, you didn't fuck that up. Just gotta start with the little things, don't gotta do it all at once." "I…I don't think I can." I sat up and looked at her: "I'll help you, we all will. We'll just keep plugging away, and you'll see. There'll be a time not too far away when all of this shit won't mean anything to anybody anymore. Nobody'll even think about it 'cause it won't matter at all." "…God, I wish that could be true." "It is true. That's just how it'll go B, if you let it." She didn't say anything else, just laid there staring up at the sky. I busied myself with looking off into the distance, just letting what I'd said make sense to her. I waited, then I got her attention: "Hey?" "…" "B?" "What? Oh sorry, I was just thinking." I knew that, and I also knew thinking could be good or bad. In cases like this, it was mostly bad, and I wanted her thinking about the right things. "Yeah I know, but I want you to hear me, okay?" "Okay." "You are Buffy. That's who you are, who you're supposed to be. This thing you've been pretending is you, well it takes a lot of work and it makes you tired. But being Buffy? That ain't nothing to ya, it's just natural. You let this other go, and you're gonna feel better right away. All you gotta do is be you, that's it. Then this other shit'll just fall right offa ya, and it'll all be okay again." She smiled at me then, an honest to goodness "Buffy" smile: "You seem pretty confident." "In you? Always. Might not know most things, but I know what you got deep down inside of you. So do you B, and now's the time for you to count on it." She kept smiling as she sat up. "I'm thinking I might have that nap now. Permission granted, sir?" "Yeah, permission granted, smartass. Gotta warn ya though, word is Dawnie's threatening to make us all an authentic British supper tonight." "What?!" She looked scared, and she oughta. "Don't ask me. Everybody knows the Brits got the worst food on the planet. Thinking the best we can hope for is a quick death between now and then." "Well why would she cook anything, from any country?" I leaned back on my hands, and tried to look like I wasn't scared shitless too. "No clue here, but Red thinks it's payback for you making her live there. Says the rest of us are just gettin' caught in the crossfire." "Yeah but…" B still looked afraid, but then she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders: "Okay, that makes sense. I guess I have to eat whatever she makes, or die trying." "See what I'm saying, B? Ya got a set a balls on ya." "Yeah, as long as I don't have to eat any…Excuse me while I go to my room and cry." "Right there with ya, Slayer." I watched her all the way in. She was drop dead beautiful. Her hair always looked like sunshine, but today with the real deal beating down on it, well it looked like something gold outta heaven. Or at least what I imagine those gates are gonna look like. Yeah I know, like I'm ever gonna see'em. I had it bad, and I was back so deep in love with her, I knew I was never getting out. I wasn't gonna be able to push her away this time, that whole strategy was impossible now. It was way obvious that she was everything to me, and man how I wished I was even half of that to her. Problem was and always had been, I wasn't even a fucking blip on her radar. Oh sure, right now she was noticing me because I was in her face. I was the only one strong enough to stop her, the only one with firsthand experience with what she was going through. Nobody else could handle her or understand the shit that was going through her head, but I could, all the way. Want an example? No prob. That little heart to heart we'd just shared, well it was sure a nice moment. Real progress had been made… right. When nap time was over, B was gonna be way over on the cranky side. Why? `Cause she was gonna be pissed off that she'd said all the stuff she'd said. See, that's how it goes. You build up a wall, the cracks start showing, and each time somebody manages to slip through, could even be yourself doing the slipping, it feels so good. But then it gets painful again, and you suddenly remember why you built the fucking thing in the first place. No way can ya go without it now, and you wonder what the hell you were thinking going all soft, even for a second. What makes it crazier is that everybody expects you to just stand there with no protection and feel the pain. Not fuckin' likely, not when if you just shore up the wall a little bit, you'll be all safe again. Seems pretty clear everybody else is outta their goddamn minds. Plus to turn yourself around, you gotta admit you been heading the wrong way, and that's so tough to face. Means everything you've thought and done has been wrong, and how the hell are you supposed to make up for that? You can't deal with it, least that's how you feel. But just like everything else you been doing, that's wrong too. Then to make it even tougher, that wall's still right there, promising it can keep you safe and make everything stop hurting. It takes everything you've got to walk away from it, to see it for the lying bitch it really is. There's nothing to do but face up to it, there's no other way to get clear. It's hard at first, seems fucking impossible, but it goes easier just like everything does as you go along. But at first, oh man do you ever resent the hell outta the person who first started chipping away at those cracks. You wanna make that bastard pay for slipping through your defenses, then pulling you along for the roughest ride of your life. Even when it gets better, it's not some big Broadway musical. It's down and dirty, and it's mean. If you want some proof, just ask Angel. He saved me, no fucking doubt about it, and I owe him every second of my life since then. I knew it right from the start, and still I heaped as much shit on him as I possibly could. He'd come to visit me in prison, and I'd confess, confide, and connect with him. Next visit, I'd just be aching to stake his undead ass. I'd hate him, and tell him so. I'd scream at him to never come back, or I'd just sit there and give him the silent treatment. Angel got it, he knows what it is to hate yourself. He just hung on tight and waited me out, and eventually I stopped doing it. But it can take a while to get that anger and hurt out, and you need somebody strong who can deal. Soulboy was my savior. Far as I'm concerned Jesus is fine, but it's Angel who I believe in. He was down there in the trenches with me, and I didn't see anybody else. That means it's a big debt I owe him, and that's why I'll always keep in touch with him. He knows if he needs me, I'll coming running, no matter what. We used to talk regularly, but after I left B, I had to cut way down on him and me. I set up a special phone number that's just for him, and I check it twice every day in case he has some kinda emergency. Otherwise, he's got no way of reaching me. I used to call him every coupla months, and we'd talk briefly. I made him keep it to just info comments, ya know like how business was going, where everybody was living, what cases he was working on. No personal stuff was allowed, and definitely no "Buffy" personal stuff. He didn't like the change, and at first he tried to ignore my new rules. No clue how many times I hung up on him, and eventually I had to taper off on the calls until we were down to just once a year. I threatened him a few times with a complete cut-off if he didn't play along, but of course I never woulda done that, and he knew it. Still, just the threat alone showed him how desperate I was to get away from B. And even though I love the guy and it hurts like hell not to talk to him, I ended up having to let things go that way. He understands, better than anybody. That whole "been there, done that" deal. Man, all these relationships are just great, aren't they? We're all mixed together like some inbred freaks, and none of us can do anything without it leading us right back to Buffy. The whole world just revolves around her, half of us in love with her at one time or another, and all of us counting on her to know what to do and when to do it. Sure is hard to figure why she finally snapped. The problem though, is that's just the way it is. And until she dropped dead and stayed down, it always would be because Buffy was the Slayer. The Slayer. Sure, I was one too, in fact it was me who was the real one. The line was running through me now, and when I died another girl would get her ass called. Uh-huh, right. Whatever they say. But anybody who's been following along with the story knows damn well who The Slayer is. Don't matter how many other chicks try to claim the title, there's only one. She's carried the load way longer than anybody else ever has, and no one can do it like she can. Nobody who comes after her will ever come close either, they just can't and neither can I. Line's running through me? Yep, but the truth is: B is the fucking line. Now how the hell did I get way over here? What I had to focus on today was today. B was almost back, and I needed to stay sharp. No way did I wanna let her squirm off the hook here, not when all the weeks of hard work were looking to pay off. It was crunch time, and I had to make sure B got her money's worth. She was gonna be waking up a little mean and down, that was okay. Nothing I hadn't already had the pleasure of dealing with. I'd just ride it out, and make my moves when I needed to. I wasn't letting her backslide, not when her chance was so close I could fucking taste it. This was her moment, and she was gonna take it.
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