Chapter Nine
Life Itself
I'm sitting in the darkest corner of the bar, but why I thought that'd make a difference, I got no clue. I shoulda just bought a bottle from the store and headed back to the motel, but drinking alone like an alky's kinda lost its appeal for me. So bright idea bitch that I am, I figured I'd stop in here, knock a couple back to take the sting off my injuries, and then head on my way. Right.
Three guys and one girl have already hit on me, which how they can even see me back here's a mystery. Either they'll fuck anything they can or they got demon eyesight, which makes me glad I'm still packing from patrol. I take a sip of my beer, but I don't even want it, and I'm past the part where I drink just to get drunk.
Turns out there's not enough booze in the world to make me forget Buffy. There's not enough to make me forget what a fuck-up I am either, but here's where it gets like one of those crazy word problems they dump on ya at school. It turns out there's enough Buffy to make me forget everything I shouldn't be remembering anyway. I knew that at the start, but as usual I always gotta approach everything wrong or turn it that way at some point. It's like I'm a professional screw-up.
Boston's way back down the road. Turns out to nobody's surprise there was nothing for me there except the chance to make myself way more miserable than I've ever been…just like B said I would. I hit all the old haunts, all the old dumps I ever lived in, all the spots where my crappy life played out, and then? Nothing.
I didn't get any big reveal, nothing changed, no closure anywhere in sight. I just felt even more depressed that my childhood sucked so bad. There was nobody left either, nobody to beat the shit outta, nobody to yell at, not even anybody to get pissed off that I'd turned up again. There were no answers at all, just filth, meanness, pain and the kind of questions people spend a lifetime asking.
Most of the time the answer: "Why not?" fits any sitch just fine, and I've known that since I was nine. You'd think grownups could eventually figure it out, but most never do understand we all get shit on, one way or the other. And why everybody thinks they don't deserve it…Look, none of us do or maybe we all do, what's the difference when it comes right down to it? Life's gonna give it out with both hands and we're all gonna take it whether it's fair or not. It's all we got and it sure as fuck beats the hell outta the only other option.
What it comes down to is how well you handle the shit, what you do once it's been dumped all over you. I gotta admit I haven't been doing a very good job of it lately. I've just been tearing my own guts out and how fucking stupid do you gotta be to do that on purpose? What's tough for me to get a handle on is how fast it took over, like outta nowhere. There I was all together, going for what I want most in the world like some kinda mature adult, then when I actually got it, I freaked right the fuck out. Not only did I screw up, I dragged everything I'd already dealt with over the years right back into the here and now, and I hurt Buffy.
Christ, Angel would so be looking at me like I was a dipshit. Guy was a big believer in dealing with the moment, focusing on the now. He used to visit me in prison and he saved my ass too many times for me to count. I'd be alone in my cell at night making a list and it wouldn't take long before it got so big, any hope I'd managed to build up just got crushed until I didn't even feel like climbing out of my bunk come the morning.
"You're sabotaging yourself, Faith. Focus on one thing, something you can do something about right here, right now."
And he'd help me find that something that seemed doable, something small I could actually work on, and it made me feel like maybe I had a chance after all. I kept at it, one day at a time, until finally I got myself sane and stopped doing the kinda shit that wasn't helping me. But I didn't forget one thing I did.
I can't afford to, just like Angel never forgot anything he did. But you gotta move on 'cause you're not doing anybody any good if you get yourself so twisted up in knots you can't head on to what's next. Then before you know it, you're threatening everybody's safety and your own sanity 'cause you've decided there's no point in trying anyway.
It's way too easy to slip when you're like me and him, there's too much evil inside waiting for its chance to jump out and ram a knife in, tear a neck open, or punch a weak spot that makes it lights out for good. It was worse for me than Angel in some ways, at least he had an excuse. I was just a monster, even with a soul, so I had nothing coming in to rescue me. I already had everything I was gonna get and somehow that shit was way less than it oughta be.
Christ, here comes some other guy. He can barely walk a straight line, so it takes him like twenty minutes to go fifteen steps.
"Hey, pretty girl."
"Thanks, but not interested."
He tries to sit down, but he can't pull the chair away from the table. That's because my boot's on it and I'm holding it in place. He keeps trying, smiling and jerking, but no dice.
"Mind if I have a seat?"
"Yeah, I wish ya wouldn't."
He tries one last mighty tug, then gives up and puts both hands on the back of the chair. I can see him clear enough, and he's good looking in a dumb ass kinda way.
"So how'd you get so pretty?"
"Look, you seem great, but I'm not interested. I'm comin' off a bad break-up, so could you just maybe leave me…"
He leans on the table, way closer than I want him:
"Bet I can make you come off on my…"
I stand up and thrust my almost full, still frosty bottle at him:
"Wow, what an offer. Tell ya what: you sit here while I go freshen up."
I pull the chair out and he falls into it, a big grin on his face:
"Charley Boy scores!"
"Three pointer, Chuck, nothin' but net."
He sits there swigging the free beer as I head out into the night and suck in the fresh air. It's got a snap to it, but it's not cold, just clean which makes me think of her. Of course just breathing in and out makes me think of her, so no big surprise there. Still, a night like this has B all over it.
It's more than a few blocks back to the motel, but I'm glad about that. I wanna be out here alone, just clearing my head while I put one foot in front of the other. There's not much special to see in this town, but then that's like most everywhere when you get right down to it.
Turns out I don't much care about all the other states, for me Ohio's the big winner. It's nothing different, just your average, typical state, and I've seen plenty better places. But northeast Ohio's the one I like best by far, and yeah, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.
I start walking down the sidewalk, nobody else in sight 'cept this vamp couple making out in the doorway of some shut down store. I stake them both right where they are, the one guy through the back and the other one through the chest. His eyes meet mine for a sec before he dusts, mixed into a pile with his boyfriend 'til the shop owner shows up in the morning to sweep'em down into the sewer. Shoulda stayed there, leastways tonight.
She'd be yapping now about how it was sad I killed them in mid-kiss. Like it was romantic they were so goin' at it, they were willing to leave fresh blood on the table as we strolled by. But that's just B – she's always gotta see the romance in everything. She'd brush the dust off us, take my hand in hers, and then we'd do our own romantic down the street, but not so stupid we don't notice possible death walkin' towards us. Love's important, yeah, but so's staying alive. Fact is: that's B's first rule of slaying.
Tonight's patrol was a tough one, there's lots of vamps around here. They all mostly hightailed it from The Hellmouth or just settled here on the way 'cause they lost their balls 'fore they could face the Slayer. Either way I figure them for the smart ones, and they just about kicked my ass tonight.
A gang had been causing a lotta trouble, so I scouted'em out, then came back prepared. I torched their nest, then dusted the few that made it out. Nobody left to tell their tale, least that's what I thought. Turns out they were ready for me, 'cause the vamps I burned to a crisp? Just sorta flunkies the real guys set up to take the fall.
So while I was busy being all impressed with myself for making it easy with a little prep work, the main guys, all nine of them, ambushed me far enough away so that my guard was down. It was touch and go for a few, but come on. No way was I gonna get outsmarted and wasted when I was almost on my own stomping grounds. Plus that sissy bushwhacking shit pissed me off. What are they: a buncha girls? Stand up and fight like ya got some balls.
They were lucky B wasn't there, she woulda let'em know all about their pussy asses. You get into it with her and she hands you your ass, plus trash talks ya down a shitload of pegs before she ends you. That shit cracks me up when I'm not on the receiving end and yeah, okay, sometimes even when I am.
Man, what a fucking start the two of us had, but then how else could it go? I did a lot of reading in prison and one thing I know for sure is that me and B met classic. Just like all the main couples in the stories I read, we did what they call the "meet cute".
It gets goin' with some real memorable first sight, then the sparks fly, and they rub against each other wrong. That's how it is in all the best books, movies too. They gotta hate each other at the start, or think they do, 'cept they don't. It's just them wanting to bang each other, but nobody will cop to it, leastways not at first. So they fight, most of'em just argue, but me and B tried to kill each other too. Then before you know it, somebody lands on top of somebody, lips meet, and the story's headin' in the direction of fucking and all-time love.
B and me put our own spin on it and went wicked extreme with certain parts, but yeah, we fit that mold like we were there when they first carved out the grooves. That we found each other in the place we did, one that was spinning with life and death and love and lust, just everything all ramped up to the biggest high stakes possible, well that sitch was so intense it brought out the best in me…and the worst.
Falling in love for the first and only time in my life, playing the hero, having somebody with me to share the ride, learning to open up a little and let somebody in, making plans, having dreams, feeling less alone and like maybe I could have something good, that shit all made me feel like I was ridin' the Gravy Train. Course then jealousy and some wicked up close and personal demons cut me right off from all the good things me and B had between us. I lost my way, and then I lost myself.
All I knew was I still wanted her and if I couldn't have her, I was at least gonna have her attention. But then I went so far off the rails crazy it got me prison for a place to call my own. Not quite what I always dreamed of when I dreamed about havin' a home, but damn, there's nothing like three squares and your very own bug infested bunk. Toss in a bull dyke with a baton and a hankering…well, talk about a dream come true.
Not like I hadn't earned it. I did a lotta shitty things, plus outright murder which gets its own special category, but the one shitty thing that still burns in my gut? I not only missed my chance to really help B, then and later, but I piled on and tried to drive her all the way under. I saw right off when I met her that she was in a jam. She was all fucked up and hurting, so I pumped Willow and Xander 'til I got the story and then I made a plan to shake her loose. Wasn't my best plan exactly; she woulda kicked my ass but good if some vamps hadn't shown up right when I finally got her to blow.
But it worked, and it still makes me smile when I think about how fast I got her fired up just by crowding her and shoving my way into her life. Best good deed I've ever done, not that I was exactly doing Mother Teresa's work. I just thought that B was wicked hot and like whenever you see something pretty, you always have one of two reactions. Either you wanna fuck it all up and teach it a lesson or you wanna see it in just the right light, shining full glory while you take it all in. I ended up goin' both ways with B, but at the start seeing her hurting just wasn't something I was okay with.
Her eyes were so sad and lonely, and even though I had no reason to think otherwise, I knew she wasn't supposed to be that way. Sure, I've seen plenty of pretty chicks who are sad sacks and drama queens, but there was just something about B that made it clear that wasn't her. I didn't question how I could possibly know that then and I didn't question why I thought it was my place to help her either. Hell, I don't even get why I figured I could. But I did and I did, and just like that I was all about Buffy Summers. Everybody else was left behind in the dust.
I'd been hearing all about her from my Watcher, she was already a legend in certain circles. The uptight Council fuckers hated her because she did things her own way and refused to play their game. They were worried she was gonna fuck up their cushy sitch and they ordered her Watcher to crack down on her. Way too late, assholes, Buffy was already hanging the moon and stars as far as Giles went.
He was also smart and he knew early on just to let her be Buffy. Nobody's ever made a better decision than that one `cause the world woulda been over like ninety-five times already if B hadn't been at the wheel doin' it her way. There's nobody else who coulda handled all the shit B has, nobody else woulda been even close to good enough.
Trust me, I know. I was next in line all too soon and no way could I have done what she did, even if I was sane. Me and anybody else woulda fucked up somehow, someway, and there'd be nothin' left now but a buncha demons chowin' down on people like they were King Kong burgers from Eagle's Deli. Life definitely dumps the shit, but every now and then we get lucky, and having Buffy as the Slayer is a buncha those lucky times.
I tuck my hands into my jacket and keep going, one foot in front of the other taking me back to the motel. I've got enough money for a hotel, but I'm just not that kinda girl. I feel better in the less than swanky joints, unless B's with me. Then I'd stay at the Taj Mahal and think they oughta step it up a little. Not because she's a snob and demands shit like that, just because I want her to have the best even though she's fine with wherever she's at. B always classes anyplace up. Case in point: the dive I last saw her in.
She wasn't outta place there at all, I just made her that way because I didn't want her where I was trying to punish myself. That shit's not supposed to touch her, but then I let it anyway and I feel bad about that. B made that place way less crappy, even made it seem beautiful until I fucked it up in the end. But what's done is done and you don't get do-overs for stuff like that, so I'm fighting hard to find the balance between guilty and moving ahead.
I can hear Angel's voice in my head telling me to keep it moving, just focus on getting the shit done I can get done and let the rest roll offa me for now. And so that's what I'm doing or what I've been trying to do for the last few months. I've been pulling myself clear and even though I'm still struggling with it more than I'd like, I know I'm gonna win now. I'm making my way home and I'm not gonna let myself backslide because back there's not where B is. She's ahead of me and I want her.
But not when I'm all screwed up, so no more drinking to get drunk, no more tearing myself to pieces because there's nobody else to do it, no more thinking about how nobody's ever loved me and how nothing's ever worked out for me. None of that's true anymore, that's all just old news and somehow I forgot that.
I went after B and I got her, and right from that moment, I started panicking. Before when I was trying to win her over, it was like a game, a challenge, and deep down I didn't really think I'd ever get her. When I did, well of course I was happy and I went with it, but what the fuck? I had B, she was with me in every way and who woulda ever believed that could happen? But it did and I didn't know what to do once it had, so a buncha old shit came calling to fuck me over just like always.
When I say I didn't know what to do, I don't mean I didn't know how to treat her. Hell, I've been treating Buffy like a queen in my head forever, so I didn't hesitate when I got a shot at her for real. I love her, I'll always love her. She's the best thing in the world, the best person ever made, and there's nothing about her that doesn't make me feel like I hit the jackpot.
The problem was that I didn't trust her, well not her, so much as the sitch. I get the difference now, what happened, and why I bailed. Since I've been just a little kid, nothing that ever goes my way stays that way. I get something I want, it gets destroyed.
Christmas at seven years old and I got this Hot Wheels track I wanted so bad, plus six bitchin' cars to go with it. I was flying high, even though it was hard for me to set it up on my own. I finally got it ready and raring to go after a coupla hours, it was the double loop that gave me the grief, but I hung in there…I was a tough kid.
Gave it a spin three times and I can still remember how good I felt. Like life didn't always have to be shit, sometimes it could be wicked perfect. All I needed was an orange plastic track and some little metal cars to make everything feel right in the world. That feeling lasted for one more run through until my dad came in and busted everything apart.
My mind tries to make it that he was drunk and just stumbled into it, but the truth is the fucker did it on purpose. If I let myself, I can still see his boots kicking and crushing everything into an unusable mess. I managed to save one of the cars, although it was down to three wheels, and I took it to my room as I ran to get outta sight. I wasn't fast enough to avoid getting smacked but good, but only the once. My mom wasn't so lucky and I sat on my bed and kept staring at my car up close, wishing I knew how to drive so I could shrink down and get inside. I'd peel out loud as I made my escape, never looking back, no matter what.
Dad finally left after a while, and getting beat to a pulp had the same affect on Ma that it always did. She cried forever and drank. Then it got real quiet until she came in to take it out on me. Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho. Just ain't a proper holiday 'til everybody's black and blue.
I was able to keep hold of that car 'til some fucking little bastard swiped it in Juvie. He pitched it in a storm drain just for meanness and I wanted to beat him to death, but he was older and bigger than me. I never forgot him, but the asshole was dead of an overdose by the time I became a Slayer and tracked him down. Lucky for him, I guess for me too. No worries though, I found plenty of other people to take everything out on, including the person I love more than anybody else in the world.
Those were some heady days when I first hit Sunny D. I busted into town scared shitless with visions of my ripped to pieces Watcher dancing in my head and Kakistos hot on my trail. Only comfort I had was at least I'd messed up the fucker 'fore I got away and came running to the real Slayer. Figured I wasn't gonna care much for her because even though I admired her, I was wicked jealous too. The way I saw it, it was my turn to be the Slayer, so I was kinda ticked she wouldn't just drop dead and get the fuck outta my way.
Still didn't stop me from running to her for help and with just one look at her, my life changed in an instant. It was like the world turned on, all bright and alive, and it wasn't just `cause she was so fucking pretty either. It was something else and it hit me someplace deep, a place I didn't even know I had.
I suddenly didn't want her knowing I was running scared, that I couldn't handle my own problems. But that's not the kinda thing you can keep hidden forever, and when it finally busted out into the open, Buffy helped me just like I knew she would when I'd first set out to find her. That's just her way and always will be.
I don't know if she's even still speaking to me, but I know she still loves me. The problem is when you hurt somebody as bad as I've hurt B, there's no telling how they're gonna react. I'm hoping for the: "Let's pretend nothing happened" approach, but there's no way that's gonna be the way Buffy reacts. How could it be?
Since we met we've been pushing each other's buttons, every single one of'em in good and bad ways. Guess that's how it goes when you find the one that's meant for you, 'specially when one of you spends a good chunk of your together time bugshit crazy. I look back at it now and wonder how she was able to make me feel everything so easy, like I wasn't even my own anymore.
She'd smile at me and I'd feel like I was flying. She'd take my hand, I'd float along so happy I could barely breathe. We'd patrol and I could feel it, that sense that right there was where I belonged, where I was safe. Time just kinda stood still for me on those nights and I felt so close to her then, like maybe life and love were mine for the taking.
It was the down time that fucked me, that and Angel showing up. It was bad enough he came back, but the worst was how she kept it from me. I thought she trusted me, and I know I was working hard to open up to her which was a huge deal for me. Then suddenly she shut down, shut us down, and I didn't understand it at first. I tried to get to the bottom of it, but the skills I had to get to the bottom of anything were pathetic, like how a six year old would go about it. I was as subtle as a Mack truck, and I got nowhere except further away from her.
The stuff between us that had always made me feel so good started burning and stinging. It was like it was just there to hurt me and it was too big a change for me to handle. Wasn't long before even slaying with her hurt instead of filling me with the only peace I'd ever had. I didn't get it and she wasn't explaining, hell, B didn't even seem to notice or care, so I started snooping around. Then the word came down: He was back.
B's dirty little secret had somehow crammed into the picture and I was left in the dust like yesterday's trash. I meant nothing to her, I thought she made that wicked clear, and just like it always did for me back then, it came down to somethin' pretty simple: You hurt me, I hurt you…And I always gave it back way more efficient on the return.
I couldn't wait to go kill Angel. Me and him could share the same fucking dust when B came looking, but that of course went nowhere except to push us even further away from each other, and that was pretty much lights out for me. I was back to drifting through life on my own, seeing nothing good or right anyplace I looked. It was all shit, just like I'd always thought, and fuck Buffy for trying to trick me into thinking it was ever any other way. What pissed me off the most was that even though she'd hurt me, even though I hated her, I couldn't stop wanting her. I dreamed about her, the things we could do, the things I could do if she gave me the chance.
Of course the crazier I got, the worse those things became. I thought a lotta sick shit about B and I admit, at least to me I do, that when I thought I had her all chained up, I could barely walk straight I was so turned on. I was gonna hurt her, no doubt about it, but I wasn't gonna let Angelus and I wasn't gonna kill her either. I figured she deserved some pain from me, a little payback to settle the score, and doesn't that just make all kindsa sense.
Somebody ignores you, you got every right to peel a little skin off'em. They choose somebody else to love, maybe they gotta lose a finger or two, then stand by and watch while you help the bad guy take over the town, probably even the whole world at some point. Jesus, I was so fucking crazy.
The wind's picking up and I hunker down a little in my jacket. There's nothing out here on the street, just me all alone thinking about the woman I wanna be with. I told her before she's basic to me, like breathing, and that's still true. I don't live without B and I know I'm never gonna. I thought I understood that before, but I guess there was still more to it I had to accept.
My room's right in front of me, but I veer off to the side and head to the picnic table in the back. It's a nice spot, out in the open enough so nobody can sneak up on you, but with the one pretty tree providing shade if you're normal and out here in the daytime. There's a little woods off in the near distance and I sit here almost every night and try to think things through. Sometimes nothing happens, but lately I've been clearing up, like a big haze is blowing out with breeze, and I'm starting to get a handle on some of this shit.
I know now I wasn't completely honest when I pushed the sitch with B to the breaking point. I did feel insecure because she wasn't saying she loved me, but looking back I can see that she was saying it anyway with everything she did. And she copped pretty fast to the fact that it wasn't just about not scaring me. She admitted she was scared too, that it made her feel a little safer to keep it light. Once we got that out in the open, B didn't hesitate to say the words I said I needed to hear. It shoulda been a big relief, not something I just took off over.
But I know now what happened, I know why I ran. The best way to put it is that B is that Hot Wheel, and I've just been waiting for somebody to stomp all over her, then toss what's left down the drain and outta my reach. I couldn't take the tension, couldn't take just sitting there waiting to have my hopes and wants and needs crushed right in front of me, so I crushed'em myself and got it over with. Love's a scary ass thing, it's just hangin' by a thread for everybody, and to my surprise it's way scarier when you're out in the open with it.
They call the big understanding moments in your life some fancy "e" word…I just call mine "finally waking the fuck up", and I had one a little over a month ago. I saved this couple from getting drained and the way they acted made it crystal clear to me just how fucking easy it is to lose it all…for everybody. If I'd got there ten seconds later, if I'd shown up earlier and been long gone on my way by then, if I hadn't decided at a glance he was the closest to dying and gone for him first, their big love woulda been nothin' but history.
That started me thinking that if I hadn't left Buffy in the first place, they woulda been dead, so would lots of other people all over the place. Maybe this is what I should be doing with my life: just moving around on my own and saving whoever I can. How do I know that's not the path somebody's got laid out for me?
"You're sabotaging yourself, Faith. Focus..."
I hear the big guy and I can also hear me now. At first I was real faint, but lately I've been comin' on strong and here's what I say: I don't believe I can ever be doing what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm not with B. It feels too right to be with her, I can't be happy otherwise, and I know she feels it too. Me with her can't ever be wrong.
Angel had a good explanation for this kinda thing:
"Faith, it doesn't work that way. If you hadn't been here in prison, maybe something else would have saved that guard. You can't know anyone's destiny, that's just an excuse to avoid looking at your own."
I'm not sure I got that before, but I do now. I'm responsible for me, my actions, the way I approach my life. I can't control what happens in the world, truth is I can't control what happens to me. All I can do is be where I belong, doing what feels like mine to do. I got so happy before it scared me and I lost my focus until I couldn't see anything good at all. But no matter how hard I tried to make it true, no matter how hard I tried to convince us both we shouldn't be together, Buffy never bought it.
She sees me and our life so clear, and it gets reflected back to me like this funhouse mirror that fools you by telling you the truth. I go through all of my crap, put myself down, and B stands right there and pulls me to my feet. I try convincing myself I'm a useless piece of shit, and B looks at me with so much respect and love, I can feel the breath hitch in my chest as it puffs out with pride. I keep draggin' the past around with me and Buffy keeps looking at the here and now…just like Angel told me I had to learn to do.
She's always right there, even when we were just friends, showing me what I'm really worth, pointing out the good things in me, all the ways I make life better for everybody else. She also tells me I'm the second best Slayer there is, and yeah, just because she loves me doesn't mean she's giving up her crown.
Buffy knows me, she's always known me when it comes right down to it. She's been telling me all along I'm worth it, that there's something so good in here she fell for me in spite of everything else. I keep fucking up in different ways, and every time when I finally pick myself back up, it's B who's standing right there waiting for me.
But you can't keep shitting on somebody and expect them to keep forgiving you. Sooner or later they run outta their supply, and even though so far Buffy never has, stands to reason it's gonna happen sooner than later. Much as I don't wanna admit it, this could actually be that time. A camel bustin' straw is kinda right on the money for this last stunt I pulled, and I don't blame her if she's done with me. But God, she just can't be.
I pat myself down for some smokes, forgetting for a sec that I gave'em up. It's a fucked up suicide habit, but like every smoker ever I feel like I'm somehow gonna be the exception to the rule. I probably won't get lung cancer, Slayer healing oughta prevent that, but who really knows? What I do know is it worries B when I smoke, plus I always gotta take precautions not to taste like an ashtray. They do make me look wicked hot, but big deal: I look wicked hot no matter what I'm doin'.
The wind rustles the leaves and the moon's shining down enough so I can see that the gold and red are starting to take over. There's still some green hangin' tough though, and it makes me think of B's eyes. They suck you right in, like looking at the ocean just to watch the way it flashes on and off all through the day.
Her eye color ebbs and flows just like the water, turning all kinds of different shades depending on her mood and what she's doing. You get a different color for meetings, eating supper, training the kids, before sex, during sex, after sex, when she's pissed, when she's laughing, when she's sad, when she's shopping, when she's sparring, when she's watching TV, when she's staring out the window, and when she's just looking at me.
Her eyes take me any which way and I wanna live and die in them because I still know there will never be anything better, no matter where I go or what I do. But what am I doing instead of swimming in those beautiful eyes? I'm sitting at a stupid ass picnic table in a stupid ass town behind a stupid ass motel by my stupid ass self. I gotta be the biggest idiot on the whole planet and that's sayin' somethin' `cause as far as I know, Kennedy's still taking up space and sucking up air every day.
I have a life and it's a good one. It's not in Boston, it's not in a bottle, and it sure as fuck's not in the past. It's with Buffy, with all the ups and downs, the life and death, the noise and quiet. It's in the feel of her hand in mine and it's in our breath blowing right in sync together. It's in her lips whenever they touch me, it's in her laugh, in her tears, in her bed, and it's in every single day.
I stand and walk out from under the tree to look up at the stars. They look brighter now, like they're up there to provide some romance if somebody needs the help. The breeze has picked up fairly steady and I watch the trees in the woods sway and rustle. I've always liked that sound. It's spooky in a way, lonely and sad, but there's something kinda comforting there too. Like the world's still spinning and the trees are still standing tall even though the wind's doin' its thing too.
That's the best part about this world: everything goes together. It all fits just right until somethin' gets outta control, like maybe a tornado that starts doin' some damage. But you just gotta hold on tight to the shit that's yours, gotta trust you can get through it until it all settles again and everything starts over. Stuff that was damaged starts growing back, trying to make itself stronger, and most times if it's got enough guts, it does just fine.
I'm a lotta things and I'm not a lotta others I wish I was, but the one thing anybody'd have to give me – I got guts. Maybe not as many as I'd like, but I got enough. Sure, I can just keep fucking with myself or I can face up to the most beautiful truth there is: I love Buffy and she loves me.
I can do and say whatever I want, but that's what God or the Powers or Whatever gave me. She's where my shitty life has led me, and it turns out I don't need to know how or why I got so lucky. I don't even need to worry that I don't deserve her, that's not my business.
I can keep spinning around, fucking up left and right if that's what I wanna do. We all got free choice here as far as I can tell, even though some stuff never, ever shifts. It just stays put and everything else moves around it, like the Earth moving around the Sun, never able to break loose. Some things just belong together and you're not supposed to pull'em apart.
You can fight it all you want, but it won't mean dick in the end. Some stuff's just too big and important, and whoever's in charge put it in stone, the kind that doesn't wear away for like a billion years.
"You're sabotaging yourself, Faith."
Damn straight I was, but not anymore. I'm goin' home.
Carve it in stone.
We met down in the valley where the wine of love and destruction flows
There in that curve of darkness where the flowers of temptation grow
I left the rest for the others, it was you and nothing else
You felt so good to me baby, as good as life itself
You were life itself, rushing over me
Life itself, the wind in the black elms
Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes
I can't make it without you
I knew you were in trouble, anyone could tell
You carried your little black book from which all your secrets fell
You squandered all your riches, your beauty and your wealth
Like you had no further use for, for life itself
You were life itself, rushing over me
Life itself, the wind in the black elms
Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes
I can't make it without you
Why do the things that we treasure most slip away in time
`Til to the music we grow deaf and to God's beauty blind
Why do the things that connect us slowly pull us apart
`Til we fall away into our own darkness, a stranger to our own hearts
And to life itself, rushing over me
Life itself, the wind in the black elms
Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes
I can't make it without you
So here's one for the road
And here's one to your health
And to life itself, rushing over me
Life itself, the wind in the black elms
Life itself, in your heart and in your eyes
I can't make it without you
Life itself…
-Life Itself - Bruce Springsteen
Wrapped
I'm sitting patiently in my strategically challenged chair, waiting for Willow to bring me some fruity, colored drink. My plan was to stick with Diet Coke, but she informed me that wasn't good enough, not tonight anyway.
"C'mon, Buff, live a little!"
And I can do that, in fact "Live a little!" is going to be my new motto. Because me? I am definitely living a little, a very little.
Okay, no, that was the old depressed me who thought like that. The new, confident, together me, the battle scarred, time worn but improved version of Buffy is downright full of life and living and moving on to live a life that moves with living. God, I haven't even had any alcohol yet and I already sound drunk.
I really just wanted to stay in and watch some TV, maybe even catch up on my sleep, but Willow had other ideas. She's obviously just full of them tonight, but I could have said no. It's not like I don't go out with her and the gang plenty these days, I do because I've ceased and desisted with all wallowing, current and future. Hence my coming out, and please supply your own joke.
The point is I've got absolutely nothing to "wallow" about even if I wanted to because my life is a good one now, and I'm all about trying to make it better. It's true I had a bit of a setback, but lots of people break up all the time. It's just something you have to deal with sometimes, and deal I have.
"Big love, big loss. You oughta deal and move on, but you're not."
Wise words spoken by an idiot, but hey, even a broken clock has to be right twice a day…which I don't get at all, but it's a real saying, so I'm going with it.
The most important thing here is that I'm way past it now. Besides, it's not like I can afford to keep letting a simple break-up ruin my life. People make their choices every day –sometimes good ones, sometimes bad ones, and then they have to live with the consequences of those choices. It hurts sometimes, but life goes on and you go with it or you just give up right where you stand. I'm not the kind of person who can do that, so I chose suffering and grieving, then moving on.
Life is good, it's amazing what a few months can do for a girl. My perspective has changed, my priorities have reset, and I'm okay. That huge ache is gone, my insecurities have secured themselves, and Buffy is Buffy and ready for action. I should clarify that word "action" because a mere three weeks ago right here in this very place, I was so definitely not ready for the action I saw walking my way at the side of my ex-best friend. Okay, she didn't really lose that title, but I thought for sure she was going to.
Just out of the blue there she was smiling her: "I'm not nervous" smile, and I was shooting her my: "Abort the mission now before I kill you" glare. Her stride faltered for a step, but Willow can be pretty stubborn when she wants to be, and she kept right on coming until she reached the table.
"Buffy, this is my friend, Ken Venture. Ken, Buffy Summers."
That's right, my unexpected, out of nowhere date was apparently a superhero or a secret agent; what else could he be with a name like that? I instantly began making plans to kill Willow the first chance I got.
"Hi, Ken."
He put a drink down in front of me and smiled, all handsome and sexy, which only made me suspicious that he'd slipped something into it when Willow wasn't looking.
"It's such a pleasure to finally meet you, Buffy. Willow's been singing your praises for months now."
I smiled and shook his hand, shooting daggers at the most off-key songbird in the universe. He held Willow's chair out for her before he sat down next to her, directly across from me. He took a small sip of his beer and it was all mega-awkward until Willow helpfully decided to speak up:
"Ken owns that big tire chain we go to over on Main."
"He does?"
He was clearly proud:
"It was actually my dad who did all the hard work building the business up from scratch. When he decided to semi-retire, he left it to me to pick up the reins."
"Wow, that's wonderful."
"It's quite a responsibility, but I'm ready for it. I was on the job, but when dad said he needed help, that ended that. Willow tells me that you considered the Police Academy yourself."
And I'd also considered beating Willow bloody and tossing her dead body into some shrubs, just for old time's sake, and I wanted her to know that…which I guess she already did since she refused to make direct eye contact with me. I tried to kick her under the table, but she was too smart and either had her legs tucked under her or pulled back as far as she could get them.
"Yes, I did…in high school, but then I decided it was too dangerous."
"It can be. My parents were both so relieved when I said I'd leave, I think they kind of set me up. I still like helping people though, so I volunteer at the homeless shelter on weekends. Nothing big, I just help deliver food and clothes to people, and we supply free tires for the center's cars and trucks."
"That's really nice of you."
"Well, Mom and Dad always taught me you have to give back, but I guess you know all about that since you run the Youth Center."
I took a kick at Willow anyway, and even though I didn't connect, she must have felt the breeze because her eyes widened slightly. Ken was waiting for an answer, so I gave him one:
"That's me: Buffy, the Youth Counselor."
He laughed:
"That must be such a rewarding job and you're definitely doing something right. Crime is way down in that neighborhood as well as all of the surrounding ones."
"We've tried to stake out our territory. It's good to know we're succeeding."
He nodded, his dinky little dimples revealed with his great big smile:
"You guys have sure been the talk of the beat cops for the last few years. Nobody wanted to patrol that area before, but my buddies tell me they all beg for the assignment now."
I sipped my drink and plotted all of the ways I was going to murderize Ms. "Deadest of the Dead" Rosenberg. I smiled again at "Ken Venture, Action Hero", and tried to look normal:
"So how do you and Willow know each other?"
They both laughed at that and began telling their funny little story. Ken chased after her when she left her cell phone at his store, then they discovered he was in her computer class that very night. The story went on so long and so playfully, I wondered why they didn't just date each other.
My answer appeared seemingly out of nowhere:
"Excuse me, Will, could I speak with you for a second?"
"Sure, Kennedy. I'll be right back, but you two just keep hitting it off!"
Then she left, transparent as a window. Ken and I smiled at each other uncomfortably and each took a sip of our drinks.
"So, Buffy, my keen ex-police skills are telling me that you've been blindsided."
"Um…yeah, I'm afraid so."
"I'm sorry about that, it's kind of my fault. I saw you one day when I gave Willow a ride home, and I've been hounding her ever since for the chance to meet you."
"Well, consider your hounding a complete and total success."
I smiled to take any of the sting out of it, it wasn't like it was his fault, and we chatted for a little while longer. I told him he seemed really nice but I just wasn't looking to get involved right now, blah, blah, blah. He took it well and with a very handsome smile, telling me it was good to meet me, that I was even more beautiful up close, and to please let Willow know if I changed my mind any time ever. Then he nicely took the hint and left.
I could barely wait to ask Willow what in the hell she'd been thinking.
"What in the hell were you thinking, Willow?"
"Buffy, you said you had to move on and…"
"But not with a 'Ken'! Besides the whole icky 'Kennedy' connection…"
"Hey, I resent that!"
"Shut up, Kennedy…there's the whole Buffy and Ken thing. People would start calling me 'Barbie' thinking it was cute."
"Okay, yes, I didn't think of that, but he's a really nice man, a good guy and…"
"And I don't need to be set-up. Also, why would you bring me a man?"
Willow's face lit up excitedly:
"Ooh, so do you want a woman? Because there's this friend of Kennedy's who's all kinds of cute and…"
"I don't want anybody! I was just saying…Never mind. No more set-ups and that's final."
So that was the end of her set-up attempts, at least for the time being. I'm not naïve enough to think she won't try it again, but at least I know it'll be somewhere down the line which means I'm safe for now. And "safe" means I can actually sit here tonight and just relax and enjoy the down time with my friends.
We're out for a night on the town at our favorite bar, we being: Willow, Kennedy, Xander, Dawn, Satsu, Andrew, and the all better Buffster. Rona, Vi, and Cho-Ahn were going to come along too, but Cho-Ahn still needed another night of bed rest, and that news didn't exactly make her happy.
Vi and Rona offered to keep her company, and when I checked in to see how they were, they didn't seem at all upset that they were staying in for the night.
"Check it out, Boss, all kinds of food!"
"And we've actually got good movies this time because we didn't let Rona pick them!"
"That's cold, Vi."
"It's also true, Rona. We're all going to kill ourselves if we have to watch `Jackie Brown' or `Willy Wonka' again."
I noticed the ice cream that Cho-Ahn was happily devouring:
"Is that chocolate chocolate chip?"
She swallowed and grinned:
"Yep, those lactose pills work great with a little help from Willow."
So I left them with their stack of DVDS and every kind of take-out, almost wishing…
"Here, Buff."
My drink appeared from behind me since I was sitting with my back to the bar. I usually sit against a wall so I can see the room, but Kennedy refused to move, Dawn was already smirking, and Satsu looked hurt, like I was saying she couldn't handle the job. I jokingly told her I trusted her completely, and she acted as if I'd placed my life in her hands.
"Thank you for your trust, Buffy. I won't let you down."
She has to be the most serious Slayer on the planet and I gave her my best smile before sliding into my seat.
"I know you won't, Satsu."
She blushed and sat up straighter, and boy, you'd think she'd never had a compliment before…which isn't possible because she's a fabulous Slayer, definitely in the top five, and she's going to be promoted on Monday due to my recommendation. I just wish she wasn't quite so shy, although when she doesn't know I'm there, she's much more forceful and leader-like. Plus everyone else seems to think I'm crazy whenever I bring up the topic, so I guess maybe she's just never gotten over her nerves as far as I go.
Some of the girls still see me as "The Slayer", but not usually the ones who've known me for as long as Satsu has. Oh well, everybody's different and it doesn't really matter. She's done an amazing job and deserves to be rewarded for it, silly hero worship or not.
But tonight wasn't the time to get into all of that, tonight was supposed to be about everyone having a good time. Things have really been pressure packed lately, and why the bad guys are always so determined to end the world, I'll never understand. I guess it must be in the "What Evil Beings Do" handbook or maybe they're just unhappy as well as evil. Whatever the reason is, it didn't work out well for them this time around and the world gets to survive for at least another day.
Drinking and dancing, talking and eating were our time honored methods for blowing off steam, and we all went at it with a lot of gusto. Satsu however, seemed a little fun challenged and was still taking her "job" way too seriously. It felt like she was staring at me constantly, but whenever I looked up, her eyes were always sweeping the room behind me. I finally took pity on her after almost an hour.
"Come on, you're off duty."
"What?"
I stood up and held out my hand to her.
"You need to loosen up, let's go."
She fumbled around before she got a solid grasp on her beer bottle, took a huge swig, then grabbed my hand and let me lead her out onto the dance floor. The first couple of songs were fast, which was perfect for getting her to loosen up. You know you're wound up too tight when you make me look like a wild party animal.
We laughed and twirled our way around the room, and when a slow song started I was happy for the break. I draped my arms over her shoulders and she stiffened.
"Oh, sorry, I thought your shoulder was all healed up."
I started to lift my arms off of her, but she had other ideas.
"No, don't! I mean, no…almost. It's fine, you're okay."
I stayed where I was, let her be a tough guy if she had to be. We talked for a minute about nothing, and then I just couldn't keep it in any longer. Yes, I had sworn to Giles I wouldn't say a word, but it was good news and that should never wait all weekend long. Besides, we could all die at any second and I wanted her to know before she got hit by a bus driven by vampires or slipped in the shower on some demon goo.
"Okay, this is supposed to be a secret, so don't tell anyone, especially not Giles, but I know for a fact that you're getting the promotion. Congratulations, Satsu, I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. You've done such an incredible job, and I hope you know just how much I need you in the new position."
"…Thank you, Buffy. Please excuse me, I think I need some air."
She was all flushed, obviously the big news combined with the alcohol and dancing had caught up with her.
"Can't handle the Head Slayer, huh? Okay, I'll have a drink and an oxygen tank waiting for you when you get back."
I laughed and hugged her, then returned to my seat. There was an ice cold Diet Coke waiting for me that I drank half of in one go, and a fresh bottle of water for my wimpy dance partner.
Willow looked around:
"Where's Satsu? The bathroom?"
"She said she needed to get some air."
"I'll bet."
Dawnie had that look on her face like she knew something I didn't and just like whenever I saw it, I wanted to smack her.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Never mind, Buffy. It's way over your head."
I started to get into it with her, but Willow's next question stopped me in my tracks:
"So…you told, didn't you?"
"Who, me?"
Will laughed at my innocent expression:
"Yes, you. Goddess, Buffy, you are the worst secret keeper ever."
"No I'm not, and I am neither confirming nor denying that I might have brought up a new position with Satsu."
"What 'position' was that, Buffy?"
Dawn said that like it would annoy me for some reason, but I ignored her. I don't know why she always has to be so immature when it comes to me, but whatever. I stuck my tongue out at her before I started explaining to Willow:
"She seemed happy, but kind of stunned too. I don't know how she doesn't know she's absolutely perfect for…"
And then I felt it.
It took awhile, but one by one everyone at the table except Andrew looked up. Willow was sitting next to me, still talking as she turned to see what the big deal was:
"She's definitely perfect and I think…Hey, what's with the quiet? You guys are all staring like you've seen a gho…Oh, crap."
Everyone froze and l was the only one who didn't turn around or react in any visible way. I simply lifted my glass and sucked down the last of my diet coke, the straw making a loud noise that was easily heard at our suddenly silent table.
"Um, Buff…"
"I know, Xander."
"Are you…"
"I'm fine, Will."
Dawn said nothing, the worry and anger on her face easy to read as her eyes flitted between me and the approaching visitor. Andrew was still happily playing some game on Xander's cell phone, oblivious as usual.
"Ha, my one-eyed friend! I am so obliterating your paltry high score."
Xander didn't respond to his taunt, his eye narrowed in on the woman making her way to our table.
"Buffy, she's coming over. Do you want me to…"
"No, let her come."
It didn't take long, but it seemed like an eternity. My body was hot and cold at the same time, like all of my switches had been thrown. Every emotion raced through me and my heart sped up like I was in a fight to the death, but I did everything I could to look calm. The joy, the rage, the lust, the every single emotion anyone has ever felt were right there, all easy access.
God, had I ever just been kidding myself when I thought I was over her.
"Hi, guys. What's shakin'?"
The sound of her voice made me feel like bursting into tears, but I forced myself to stay in control. The greetings were somewhat restrained out of a sense of loyalty to me, which I appreciated, but I knew everyone was happy to see her. She was safe and she was home, and regardless of our situation, that was nothing but a good thing.
I knew I had to say something or at least turn around to face her, but I didn't want to. I had no idea what to say, how to act or feel, and as I sat there nothing came to me. I didn't need to worry, Satsu decided to make her reappearance right then and as far as reappearances went, it was a real doozy.
"Well, well, well, look what finally turned up."
I could feel Faith's eyes reluctantly leaving the back of my head:
"Satsu."
She had inexplicably carried over a chair and she now squeezed it in next to me, forcing Xander to scoot over towards Andrew.
"We're full up, so why don't you go find someplace else to sit?"
"Or could just toss your ass and take your spot."
"Sorry, you gave it up quite a while ago."
Xander was looking at Faith and his eye opened wide as he started to stand.
"Easy, Cyclops. Not gonna do anything. Kid's got a big mouth, but now's not the time to shut it."
"I'm not a 'kid'."
Faith ignored her completely:
"Hi, B."
I wanted to talk, but at the sound of her saying my name, my mouth went completely dry. Kennedy stood up like she'd been hit by a cattle prod or a Willow mind message:
"Here, Faith, take my chair."
"Thanks, 'preciate it."
She walked around as Kennedy slid into Satsu's old chair and sat down looking so good, I felt my body temperature shoot up by at least ten degrees. Her face was so perfect, her hair was dark and shiny, her body was leaner than it should be, but still plenty curvy, and she was staring at me with beautiful eyes that were clear and alive. I couldn't stop myself from drinking in every square inch of her.
She was nervous, although I don't think anyone could tell that outright except for me. Her arms rested still on the table, but I knew it was a struggle for her not to start tapping her fingers in some rapid fire beat. If things were normal, I would have held her hand in mine to help her settle down. But things weren't normal…not in any way.
There was the sound of an explosion from Xander's phone, and Andrew finally looked up, a smug smile on his face.
"There's no way, Xand, that you can…Holy Dark Slayer!"
"Got it right in one, Andy. How's it goin'?"
"Good, although now my stomach feels kind of weird."
Faith smiled and tried to put him at ease:
"Got that effect on a lotta guys, but promise ya got nothin' to worry about."
He'd always liked her after their initial meeting in Sunnydale, and with an apologetic glance at me, he smiled back:
"I've missed you something fierce."
"Definitely swingin' both ways."
She turned her attention back to me, looking me right in the eye as her smile shifted to the one that was all mine and mine alone. I knew we hadn't been together in what felt like forever, but suddenly it was like we'd just climbed out of bed a few minutes ago and weren't quite finished.
I was hurt and angry, those were definitely the two emotions I was feeling the most, but they weren't the only ones, not by any stretch of the imagination. Besides, it wasn't like they'd ever been a deterrent before when it came to sex with her. Nothing had ever deterred me from sex with her.
She knew exactly what I was feeling, I saw that she did, and she pulled back a little bit to let me get my bearings. She was still smiling though and…God, she was so very beautiful and so very Faith.
"So how's everything been goin' here?"
"How do you think it's been goin', bitch?"
Dawnie answered faster than me and she was just seconds from leaping across the table to get to Faith. Faith stayed calm, in fact she was being calmer than I'd ever seen her be…except for maybe when she was wooing me when we first got together. She was so patient then, even when I kept trying to pick a fight with her.
"Figure you got it under control, Squirt."
"Yeah, strangely we all decided not to just sit around and wait for you to show up."
"Good decision."
Her eyes were already back on me, but this time I was intensely studying the tabletop.
"B, could I maybe talk to you?"
"Sure, go ahead."
I hadn't meant it to sound so bitchy. I knew she meant privately, and of course we had to speak privately, but I was still in a state of shock and unable to function normally or even like a recently awakened coma victim. No one else was doing all that much better, and then Willow piped up like she was on speed:
"Faith, do want a drink? I'll bet you want a beer, no, maybe something stronger. Who wants a drink? On me, the drinks, beer or otherwise. Did you decide, Faith, or do you want me to just…"
"I'm good, Red, but thanks for the offer."
Faith was still staring at me, and Satsu decided to play my protector even more than she already had:
"Hey, when you're done trying to stare Buffy down, why don't you take a hint and…"
"Satsu?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut the fuck up."
Satsu was on her feet and ready for a fight. She stood right next to Faith's chair, looming over her:
"Why don't you try to make me?"
Faith finally took her eyes off of me to look up at her:
"Better sit your wound up ass back down 'fore you make this what it's not."
Satsu didn't move, and I knew I had to intervene. I couldn't just sit catatonic forever and let everyone else try to handle the situation for me.
"It's okay, Satsu. She's just checking in, it's fine."
"I don't see what's 'fine' about it, Buffy. You're being way too nice to her and you should just…"
Faith laughed, and although I knew she was determined not to get into it with anyone, I also knew she was almost at her limit with the Slayer standing next to her.
"You in charge of B now, Satsu? There been some change I oughta know about?"
"After what you did, you don't have the right to know anything about Buffy."
"Maybe, maybe not. Do know that's not your call to make."
"You're a worthless excuse for a Slayer and a human being. You don't deserve a woman like Buffy, and we'd all be better off if you'd never come back."
Faith sat looking at her and I saw everything in Faith's eyes: the desire to punch Satsu right through the wall, her respect for the bravery and loyalty on display, and still the determination not to let things escalate out of control.
"Wasn't so long ago I'd have agreed with you. That time's past though, so wanna do us both a solid and get the fuck outta my face now?"
Satsu didn't budge and Faith finally got to her feet. There was barely room to slide a piece of paper between them, but I wasn't concerned. I knew Faith wasn't going to do anything physical, her eyes, the ones that had gone back to burning a hole through me, told me that much.
"I'll see you guys back at Slayer Central. B, I hope we can…"
Satsu hit her then. Faith crashed into her chair and it slammed against the wall as she was knocked off balance, drawing the attention of the surrounding customers. She righted herself, put a hand up to the corner off her mouth to wipe off the blood, and laughed under her breath.
Xander was up as was Kennedy, but Faith just smiled:
"Nice shot, kid. Had that one comin', but don't try it again. Just let me walk outta here."
And Satsu did.
No one said a word as Faith left, all eyes shifting from her to me the second she was out of sight. It had to have been kind of boring for them because I didn't say a word as I sat there. I tried to find one last drop of my drink to slurp up, stared into space for about ten minutes, and then I left to go home. Willow, Xander, and Dawn all insisted they should go with me, but I insisted just a bit more firmly that this was a solo mission.
I took a cab back and headed up to my room, half expecting her to be there waiting for me, but the place was empty. I tossed my keys on the table, uncertain what I should do next when there was a knock on my door. My hand shook a little as I opened it, knowing exactly who was on the other side waiting for me.
"B."
She was fidgeting right out in the open now, shifting from foot to foot, her hands restless as they went in and out of her pockets, trailed through her hair, rubbed along the side of her face.
"Sorry about before. I thought maybe it'd be easier with the gang there."
"I don't think there is an easy way."
"No, probably not. I…I uh, I was wondering if we could talk. If it's too soon and you need more time, that's cool, but I at least wanted to apologize for showing up there and…"
I stepped back and opened the door wider:
"Come in."
I figured we should get it over with now rather than later. And although there would have to be a "later" as well, I wanted my position clear right from the start. I wasn't a doormat, I wasn't going to welcome her back with open arms just because she'd finally decided to show up. She'd hurt me, made me feel like my love wasn't good enough, and I wanted to make her understand without a doubt that things had changed.
But the thing is – it's a lot easier to be tough when she's not standing right in front of me. Because when she's not with me, I can't smell her delicious scent and I can't see the shame, sorrow, love, and lust in the perfect brown eyes staring back at me. I don't feel her shaking as I slowly run my hands up and down the bare skin of her arms, and I don't hear the sharp intake of her breath when my fingers thread through her hair. I don't taste the sweet flavor of her lips, lips that are tentative and gentle, letting me lead us wherever I want to.
It's a lot easier to keep my guard up when the sun is shining, when it's not our time – all dark and dangerous with the pull of the night surrounding us. In the daylight I can call up the list of everything she's done to me, but here in the night it's faded so far into the background I can't even recognize it. What I see, all I see is Faith, nothing more, nothing less. And I know the anger and hurt are still there and I know they have to be, but the body that has molded itself to hers has made it clear that they will have to wait their turn. Because now the joy and the relief and the love are in charge, and they refuse to be denied.
Faith's arms finally come up to wrap around me, loose, still letting me lead, and that tells me so much. I pull my mouth from hers, trailing kisses on my way to…Her moan sounds out loud as I hit one of her spots, and I keep tormenting her as one of my hands slides under her shirt to reacquaint itself with the perfect combination of soft and hard, the little peak feeling just like it was made to fit between my fingers.
"B…"
One simple letter and I feel such happiness. I lead us to our bed, not questioning, not wondering what I'm doing because I know what I'm doing – I'm loving Faith, just like I'm supposed to. Everything else will have to wait its turn to be sorted out because right now is our time, and right or wrong, smart or not, that's just the way it is.
I haven't felt her in forever, haven't felt her holding me, haven't felt the ecstasy and rightness that always happens whenever we're together. And I want it. I need it…no matter what the cost.
There's no way it makes sense, there's no way she should still have this power over me, but she does and I won't pretend that she doesn't. She's come home and I can't leave her hanging, not tonight, not when she's right here. I can feel her desire and hope, her pain and her fear, and I answer it all with one simple word that matches our heartbeats into a single rhythm:
"Faith…"
I didn't have to turn my head whenever you walked in
The only one to let these chills roll down my skin
My heart beats faster when I hear your name
And I feel my confidence slipping away
Thought I was doing fine
`Bout to get you off my mind
Well I see your face and then I'm wrapped
Around your pretty little finger again
It feels like ages since you lay down in my arms
I see no good reason still I'm tangled in your charms
Now my God you're smiling and you catch my eye
Well my heart is pounding deep inside
Thought I was doing fine
`Bout to get you off my mind
Well I see your face and then I'm wrapped
Around your pretty little finger again
Ain't gonna let no man go down without a fight
`Cause my stalls and walls look better in the bright daylight
Now my heart beats faster when I call your name
And I feel my confidence slipping away
Thought I was doing fine
`Bout to get you off my mind
Well I see your face and then I'm wrapped
Around your pretty little finger…
-Wrapped - Kelly Willis
