Chapter Ten

Never Give Up

So I got no complaints. It's not like I thought everything was fixed or gonna go easy, and it's not like I don't think I deserve to work for it because I do. You can't just sail in and outta somebody's life whenever you feel like it, even when you love them more than air. Other people have feelings too and the stupid stuff you do makes an impact.

And besides, it's way better than I thought it was gonna be because Buffy's apparently some kinda saint, and she's already way past where I'd be at this point if the sitch was flipped. She loves me and that gets me a whole lot more leeway than I oughta get. That said though, the whole deal's a work in progress and I just wish it wasn't. But fuck me because you get what you earn, and I'm just grateful B thinks I earned way less shit than I actually did.

When we woke up that next morning she was still in my arms and I really had to fight not to cry. I didn't wanna move, I just wanted her to stay there forever, but of course she had to wake up sooner or later. I didn't know what to expect, more than half of me was predicting she was gonna smash my teeth down my throat or at the very least give me the cold shoulder.

Instead I got a little stretch, a kiss on my breast, and then an off the charts, feels so good, "Buffy" snuggle in.

"Mmm…is this a dream?"

"Don't think so. Think maybe I died and they mixed up where I'm s'posed to be."

I felt her laugh against me.

"Faith, there is no way you're going to Hell, okay?"

"No way to know for sure and…"

"I know for sure. And besides, I'd just come get you anyway."

It's maybe stupid, but whenever she says shit like that it makes me feel so great. Plus I believe her, which makes me think maybe I got a shot at a better afterlife than I oughta.

We didn't say anything else for a while, just kept laying where we were.

"I suppose I should get up."

"I'm fine with right where you are, B."

She nodded:

"Me too, but it shouldn't be this way, at least not yet."

"Yeah, guess not…Can I keep holding you anyways?"

She didn't say yes, but she didn't move either. She just hunkered down into me, which is of course an answer all by itself. My arms tightened around her, my fingers sliding up and down her perfect skin, and my nose breathing in deep as I let myself drown in the smell of her hair.

We drifted off and when I woke up again, she was gone. I was all alone in her bed, a place not so long ago I never figured I'd ever make it back to. So even though I felt bad she wasn't with me, I was mostly flyin' high. Even with whatever was in store, it couldn't touch a patch on me getting to be there, and I enjoyed it to the max.

I noticed right off that I was covered up the standard way, which meant Buffy took the time to take care of me before she hauled ass. I pretty much sleep like a wild woman and I can really tear it up. The covers end up all over the place, and if I'm lucky I can maybe hang onto the sheet or the blanket and at least have something on me. What's usual though is all the bed shit's on the floor and I'm freezing my ass off.

Sleeping with B's kinda changed that, but I still sometimes end up with just the sheet on my lower half and the blanket doin' Tit Duty. It ticks B off because she likes the sheet, then the blanket on top of that like most people do. It grosses her out if she just has the blanket on, like the sheet's some sorta protective cootie shield. I don't know from what, but I know she's dead serious about it, and one of the funniest things I've ever seen is Buffy sound asleep, hanging on tight with a Slayer grip to the corner of the covers.

It helps out that she never seems to mind when it's me on top of her instead, and if I manage to get the sheet and blanket covering us too, she goes raunchy as fuck. I think it's a "girl" thing, like how some chicks get bent out of shape when the guy leaves the seat up. If he puts it down on his own, she'll put out like crazy for him, and it's hard to believe some guys are so stupid they never figure that out.

Anyway, I wallowed there in her bed, knowing that even though a big piece of her had to be hating me, she still cared enough to make sure I wasn't gonna get cold. Only thing better woulda been if she'd still been there, but that's just me being greedy and kinda on the stupid side. Speaking of sides – it didn't take long before I drifted over to her piece of the bed.

It's one of my favorite places ever, whether she's there or not, and it just feels like home to me. It's always crisp and clean, warm and cool, all light and sunny, even at nighttime in the dark. I know that doesn't make a lotta sense or even seem possible, but that's how it is. Always smells just like her too.

I finally made myself get up because I knew I should leave her room. We'd made love and snuggled in together, but that didn't mean I had the same rights and privileges I had before I left. No way could I just assume shit in this sitch, I might as well dig my own grave if I pulled that crap. Buffy's hurt and mad, scared and confused, and all of that's legit. She's gonna need lotsa time and space, and I don't have the slightest problem giving her that even though I wanna stay permanently attached 24/7.

It's definitely been a rollercoaster ride these last few weeks, and sometimes it doesn't feel like my safety bar's locked. B and me, we been all over the place…at least she has. I've tried real hard to be steady and patient while she's shiftin' moods, sometimes from sentence to sentence. She can be kissing me, then when she pulls back I'll see the hardness in her eyes like she wants nothing more than to punch me right in the face. It's tough because I never know what I'm gonna get from her.

Least I'm back on active duty now. I had a big talk with Giles – he had questions and he needed answers about a whole buncha stuff. He wanted to hear it from me that I was serious and able to do my job, but that took a lot of explaining about a lotta stuff I'd have rather left out when it comes to him. But too bad for me because what else could the guy do? It's not like we can have some crazy loose cannon with maybe a death wish running around in the night. 'Sides, I'm supposed to be somebody steering the kids the right way, not into a bottle while I have a breakdown and get myself killed.

So I spilled what I needed to without even flinching all that much and he got it, which was another huge load off.

"Well, I for one am thrilled that you're back. Things have been somewhat on the dreary side without you, and the program doesn't run nearly as well without your input. Kennedy's skills with a crossbow are…well, let's just say she's not exactly up to the challenge when it comes to giving lessons."

He kept it there, all business stuff until I was leaving and he walked me to the door. Before I could get to the hallway, he wrapped me up in a big hug.

"Buffy has been miserable without you. No matter how the upcoming days play out, please remember how much she loves you. Give her time, yes?"

"No worries, G-Man, I got it. B's gonna get whatever she needs from me."

"I know she will, I just don't want you having any doubts."

I felt the soft kiss he gave me on the top of my head as he let me go.

"I've missed you too, Faith. Welcome home."

I was kinda choked up, so I went for the joke:

"I got Newbie Patrol forever, don't I?"

"Yes, I'm afraid the Head Slayer requested it."

We both laughed, even though I knew it was probably true, and just like that I was back in the swing of it. I was sorta surprised, I'd figured to be on probation for at least the rest of my life, but Giles must have been convinced by our talk. Plus, I know he had to get B's sign-off because Buffy's the boss when it comes to the slaying stuff, so that part of it made me feel good too.

B's always been fair, keeping the personal outta the slaying part when it comes to everybody. She can hate somebody's guts, but you'd never know it when she does her evaluations or hands out assignments or praise or criticism. Which means for me I got to come back full time with nobody saying shit about it. The only one who made any crappy comments was Satsu, but then she's always done that, so I didn't let it get to me…most of the time.

A few days ago she poked a little too hard and it didn't just roll off my back. We were teachin' a class together, thanks to her new promotion and the fact that Giles sometimes makes assignments with his head stuck up his ass. It's usually a risky move whenever he partners us up anyway, but more often than not we actually work pretty good together. No such luck this time.

It had to be the longest ninety minute class ever, and man, oh man, she just couldn't shut up or let anything slide. Talk about havin' the red ass, even the kids were looking at her funny. I kept ignoring her which I deserve a medal for, but once the last girl filed out, I grabbed Satsu around the neck and lifted her into the air a little bit. She tried to get loose, so I slammed her hard against the chalkboard and used my body to block the kicks she was trying to deliver. She went to pry my hand off her neck, so I tightened my grip until she took the hint.

Once I had her all settled in, I said my piece:

"One day you're gonna go too far. I get you love her and I'm sorry about that 'cause I know how it feels. But Buffy's mine, whether you like how I handle it or not. Ease off 'fore I splatter you all over a wall."

I gave her the full psycho effect, but to her credit she barely let it slow her down. She doesn't like me, thinks Buffy deserves better, and she's not gonna let it go. When I turned her loose, she rubbed her throat, looked me right in the eye and laid one on the tip of my boot before she walked out.

I can't blame her. Watching the woman you love being treated way less than she oughta be, well, that shit burns and makes ya wanna drop somebody for good. I understand that all too well, and I got nothing but respect and sympathy for her. The kid has some huge balls, a huge love for Buffy, and a wicked huge grudge against me. No way am I gonna be turnin' my back on her any time soon.

But that's all just some crap I gotta deal with every once in a while, nothing that's gonna keep me up nights. What I got my attention focused on is B and the weird vibe we got goin' at the moment. We haven't had sex since the night I got back, at least not full on.  We do stuff, just enough to get us all wound up, then we stop, or more accurate, B stops. We slay, eat a few meals, talk around the sitch, have my people call her people, the usual stuff every couple in love does when one of them wants to kill the other one for fucking everything up.

What it comes down to is that B just isn't sure how it should go, and how she feels about me changes at any spot in the day. She swings all over the place: mad, happy, flirty, cold as ice, sad, nervous, she's every emotion there is and they all come at me one after the other. No matter what way I react, I'm almost always wrong.

I joke around, she's dead serious. I go all deep, she's nothin' but casual. I'm quiet, Buffy's the life of the party. I figure she needs space, she wants us to be together. I show up for some quality time, she hates my guts. It's tense and it's tough, and it feels like I'm living right on the edge of a disaster every second of every day and night. It's nothing anybody'd wish on their worst enemy, but the craziest thing about it? I've never felt better in my whole life.

Everything's different for me, I'm like a new person. I decided somethin', and by dealing with all of the shit that I never thought I could handle, I feel like I'm ready to start living now. I wanna grab B and dance, tell her she can trust me, tell her just to take the big leap and know that our life together is waiting for us. There's not gonna be anymore shit, well, 'cept for the usual crap everybody gets, and there's definitely not gonna be any leaving her again. Not ever.

I feel so light, and now I understand just how easy it is to be happy. I'm in love and there's nothing in me that's freaking out about it anymore. I'm standing, sitting, laying, slaying, I'd be fucking too if she'd let me, right out in the open. She doesn't need to dig, doesn't need to suppose or wait me out, and there are no more walls for her to climb. I'm ready and I'm not hiding ever again. I'm home and I'm safe, and I'm right where I'm always gonna wanna be.

I want Buffy forever, then I'm gonna negotiate for some more time after that. We're gonna be together, we are together, and as every day grinds by, I just feel better and better. It's nothing but easy to be home, nothing but a breeze to stand, sit, lay, slay, even fuck if she'd let me, and stare right back at her wide open. I'm not fighting her anymore. I waved the white flag a long ways ago and now I'm just waiting for her to tell me the terms of my surrender.

Yeah, the sitch has been a rollercoaster of feelings right from the start, some of them good, some of them bad, and some of them so painful they tried to tear us apart. Whatever, I'm not worried if we rip up a little. I'll find all the pieces and put'em back where they belong, and I'll make sure they're stronger than they were before. We'll go up and down, this way and that, and it won't mean a damn thing because I'm strapped in now and I'm on for the whole ride.

Sure I might lose a little skin, might get tossed and turned and feel like somebody beat the crap outta me, but so what? I know now the world's not waiting to dump shit all over us, it never was. That was just me from the first second I realized we were really gonna make a go of it. It wasn't just gonna be sex, it was gonna be love, so I freaked and took us right outta easy into all fucked up.   

I just never got it – not from the first time we met and she strolled into my heart to make me hers, not through all of the years we struggled with ourselves and each other, not even when she held me in her arms and the pain I'd been lugging around for my whole life just faded away to the kinda peace I'd always thought was a crock. Buffy loves me and that trumps everything else I've ever known…and it always will.

Yep, me and Buffy, all happy and together, light and easy. I've never done anything like this before, not even close, and I didn't think I even knew how. Turns out I do know how, I'm like a freakin' master at it. The woman I love is right here and looking at me like…well, like she doesn't know exactly what she's supposed to do with me, and all I got for her is a smile and a promise:

Take your time, B. I'm not going anywhere.

Sometimes she looks at me and I can see how much she just wants us to be okay again, but then sometimes she definitely wants to send me for an up close and personal stare down with the white light. That anger's scary when it shows, usually stopping by right on the heels of something nice like last night.

We had an early meeting, then that was it for me and B for the rest of the day and night. I was hoping if I asked, maybe she'd wanna spend some time with me and we could maybe get to some stuff we needed to get to. Before I could make my move, she came over and man, did she ever look hot. She was kinda shy, like she wasn't exactly sure of herself, and I just wanted to drag her to an empty room and make her so sure she'd feel every bit of…

"Faith?"

"Huh?

She was smiling now like I was nothing but adorable for spacing out.

"I'm up here."

"Yeah, but trust me, B – you're down there too."

I wiggled my eyebrows at her and grinned. She shoved me a little before going back to what she was gonna say:

"I was thinking maybe we should have dinner and talk tonight, if you wan…"

"I definitely wanna do that. My place at seven? I'll cook."

I had to not laugh out loud because she always looks so confused that I'm not only always willing to talk now, I'm dying to.

"Are you sure? I could just…"

"Cook? B, please, I want us to actually enjoy dinner, alright?"

She smacked me on the shoulder this time, a big, warm "Buffy" smile on her face.

"I was going to say I could just order us something, F."

F.

I got an "F" out of her, a nice one too, and I was so happy I had to stop myself from grabbing her and twirling us around and around until we puked. I knew my next words were gonna make that smile fade away, but I had to say'em anyway:

"I know, but I wanna do somethin' nice for you."

She tensed right up, her smile gone as she gritted out that she'd be there at seven. Then without another word, she just turned and walked away from me.

My smile never left, not even when I was shopping. I musta looked nuts or somethin' `cause people cut me a break the whole way through the store. They let me snag all the best stuff, moved outta my way in the aisles, even let me skip in line at the checkout. Everybody just smiled back at me like I was some sappy girl in love, and I breezed right through the place.

When I got home, I cranked up some music, then sang and danced my way through the afternoon. I cooked and cleaned like I was Doris Day or some other dead housewife chick because I wanted everything perfect for when B showed up. We were gonna eat and finally talk, and the best part was it was all Buffy's idea.

By the time it got to be almost time, I was all set. I'd made her favorite meal that I only ever cooked for her, I had daffodils in about a hundred different spots, and my place was cleaner than it'd been since I moved in…all big pluses when it came to making B feel like I was trying to make her happy.

All that was left to do was shower because damn, it's hot and sweaty work bein' a housewife. I headed to the bathroom, stripping as I walked and leaving a trail of clothes behind me on the bedroom floor. I started to turn the water on before I realized and went back to pick them up. I stuffed everything into the hamper B bought me back when we first got serious.

"What the hell's that weird thing in the corner, B?"

We were naked in bed and hoping our hearts were gonna slow down enough so we could make'em speed up again.

"It's called a 'laundry hamper'."

"A 'humper'?"

I demonstrated and she told me to stop it.

"You put your dirty clothes in it."

"No, I just throw mine on the floor."

"Yes, I remember when you used to do that. Those sure were the days, weren't they?"

I was confused for a second, not because I'm stupid, more like because her hand was someplace that made it tough to concentrate on words, let alone get 'em in the right order.

"But I…clothes…like my…Fuck…room stuff…way…B…"

"Your room now has a well-used hamper if I'm going to be in it. The room, not the hamper."

She got her way most of the time, at least every time I knew she was coming over. Other times the floor, the chair, the bed, the couch, every place clothes landed worked just great. If she caught me in a surprise visit, I'd just call'em "Free Range Clothes" and make her laugh, then make love to her until clothes weren't even a blip on her radar.

But current times didn't find me anywhere near where I could just charm my way outta shit, so mashing all of the clothes down into the already full humper seemed like a small price to pay. 'Specially when I'd put so much effort into making the night a good one. Once I got everything inside and was sure the sides weren't gonna blow, I turned around to head back to the shower. That's when I realized I'd forgotten to make my bed.

Here the whole place was shiny and clean, but if B needed to come in here, it was gonna ruin the look of everything. Since the sheets were mostly off the mattress anyway, I figured I might as well put clean ones on. It only took me a few, then I finally got showered and dressed, and I was back at my post in the kitchen about ten minutes before she showed.

She didn't knock, she just used her key which made me smile so big my face felt weird. She smiled back, then breathed in deep:

"Mmm... We're having 'Chosen Two'?"

"Yep, and save some room because I got us Rocky Road for dessert."

Then she saw the table was set with my real dishes and that there were flowers in the center and practically everywhere else she looked. Again with the smile I loved, and this time she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I thought that was it, which was plenty great, but then she leaned back in for one on the lips too. I kept a tight grip on the wooden spoon I was holding and just managed not to throw her on the table and fuck the hell outta her…even when I felt her tongue swipe soft along my bottom lip.

Jesus……

"Take a seat, B. Everything's ready if you're hungry."

She was and we dug in. The meal was great and we just talked about regular stuff, all relaxed and easy. I kept staring at how beautiful her eyes were, how they kept changing shades whenever the lights would catch'em different. This angle, that angle, I could have watched all night long.

We each ate two big bowls and lotsa cornbread, then decided to take our drinks over and sit on the couch for dessert. I grabbed the half gallon of ice cream and a coupla spoons, then sat down next to her. We got right to the eating, and a few times she did this thing that always makes me laugh. I do all the work digging out a chunk and her spoon swipes it right offa mine.

"Hey!"

"You snooze, you lose, Faith."

We ate for a while, not talking at all, but it wasn't tense. I love when B licks her spoon to clean off the ice cream that sometimes sticks behind, her tongue all pink and…I jammed my spoon into the container and reached for my glass that was sitting on the coffee table. I'm still not sure exactly what happened, but it slipped and I tried to hang onto it.

Instead I flipped it right into the ice cream carton just when B was tipping it towards her to pull out a big piece. Everything mixed together, then splashed up onto her face and shirt. She let out a squeal because what's colder than ice cream mixed with coke and ice cubes, then stood up as she shoved the carton onto the coffee table.

I stood with her, I don't know why except it was like an instinct, and I pulled some cubes off her suddenly high beams.

"Damn it!"

"Sorry, B. The glass was all wet and…"

Her hand wiped at her cheek and came away with ice cream.

"It's okay, but I think I need a shower."

"Or I could just li…Uh, yeah. Go hop in while I get this cleaned up."

She tried not to drip all over the carpet as she went into the bathroom with me staring at her until she was out of sight. Talk about a close call with my big mouth licking her clean. I went there mentally for a minute, then picked up the cubes from the couch and floor and tossed them into the carton. I took the whole thing and put it in the sink to let the ice cream melt, then tore off a handful of paper towels and went to go clean up the mess.

It didn't take long and after, I headed to the laundry closet to grab her some clean towels from the dryer. I snagged an oversized tee and a pair of pants for her outta my dresser as I passed by, then walked into the bathroom. It was all steamy even though the door was open, and it smelled like Buffy, which made sense because I still had everything she used all ready to go for her. I stood there not moving because I swear I could hear every single drop of water bouncing and dripping and slinking down her body, and I…

"B, I'm putting the towels on the sink with a big shirt and some sweats. Gonna soak yours so they don't stain."

"Okay, thanks. I'm almost done."

I picked up her clothes, but her shirt got snagged on the bottle of hand soap. No problem for somebody with Slayer strength, except I moved too fast and tipped her freestanding, up close mirror off the counter. No fucking way was I letting that bust, I was finished with bad luck, and I caught it safe and sound and put it back on the counter feeling pretty proud of myself.

When I glanced down, I saw I'd also managed to smear the shit from B's shirt all over mine.

"Fuck!"

"What?"

"Nothin'."

I put her stuff back on the counter and took off my shirt, but right as I tossed it on the pile the shower shut off, the curtain pulled back, and there was B in all her glory. But that wasn't the worst of it, not by a long shot. The worst was no matter how loud I was screaming at myself to turn around, I couldn't stop looking at her like she was eye candy I just had to eat. I don't even know how long it went for, I was what they call "lost in the moment".

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I didn't answer at first, but when she stepped out and started to wrap a towel around herself, I snapped out of it.

"Sorry, I was…"

"I cannot believe you!"

I'd finally managed to get my eyes up to hers and Christ, was she ever mad. I didn't know over what exactly. Okay sure, I crossed the line a little, but it's not like she doesn't know how I am or how hot she makes me. It was definitely nothing she had to kill me over. I mean, no matter what's going on or not going on between us, she presents her naked tits and pussy to me, what else can I do but look and drool all over the place?

"B, what's…"

"So this was all just a set-up?"

"What?"

I looked behind me to see if somebody else was there, but no, it was just the two of us. I felt a folded towel slam up against my chest.

"Well, your little seduction scenario didn't work, Faith. God, here I thought you were being so sweet and we were having a nice time."

It was then I realized my tits were bare, no bra for me, and it must have looked to her like I was getting ready to join her in the shower.

"I was! We was…were! I mean, no, not the seducing part…I just wanted to…I was…B, I was just dropping off the towels and picking up your shirt."

"Which explains why you were undressing while I was showering."

"Yeah, except no. Look, I wasn't getting in, leastways not without an invite. You know, only if you wanted me to and said so, but that's like the only way. I mean it's…I was just…"

She shoved past me into the bedroom:

"Why am I not surprised?"

That pissed me off. I've never been pushy with B, never forced myself in where she didn't want me, never pressured her to do anything before she was ready. She was talking shit and it hurt my feelings that she didn't seem to notice I was trying to give her all the time she needed.

"You're being so fucking stupid."

That stopped her and she turned around to look at me. I stood my ground, but it wasn't so easy when she was looking at me like I was a vamp who'd just drained a baby…a baby nun who was a puppy.

"What did you just say to me?"

"I said you're being stupid. You know I've never tried to pull anything with you and…"

"Oh yeah, Faith, you've been a real saint."

"When it comes to shit like this, yeah I have been!"

She stood there glaring, but then her eyes sorta softened and I saw her blow out a little breath.

"So, this was what then?"

"Really bad slapstick that left out the funnies."

She wasn't smiling and she still looked kinda pissed, but she was also listening.

"I swear, Buffy, all I had planned was dinner and talking."

Her eyebrow arched up the way she does it, like she's the Queen of England, and I was starting to wonder how much I was supposed to take before I did actually try something with her.

"Okay, yeah, maybe I hoped for a little something like second base, but B, I mainly just wanna talk and explain shit. I mean, sure, I always wanna have sex with you, but I know other stuff's way more important right now."

She rotated her shoulders and glanced at my bed:

"Are those clean sheets?"

"Yeah, but just to look good, not because…"

She held up her hand to stop me from starting a whole new ramble.

"I'm kidding, Faith."

"Really?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry I overreacted. I know you want to talk, you've wanted to talk since you got back, and I also know how patient you're being. Despite how it looked a second ago, I really do appreciate it."

Man, talk about dodging a bullet.

"Guess it had to look a little dicey with my tits wavin' in the breeze."

B smiled and blushed a little:

"Um…actually there's been no waving of any kind. I was secretly hoping for at least a few jiggles, but you never even moved a muscle."

"Yeah, the new implants make'em stay put."

We both laughed and I went and got myself another shirt while she got dressed. We met back on the couch and talked for a couple hours, and it went better than I'd hoped. She mostly listened while I explained lotsa stuff to her, and it felt good to be letting her in on what went down with me.

I told her everything, how I pulled out of it and how I was sorry and was never gonna leave her again. She didn't really say much back to me, but afterwards we fooled around and made it to I guess what you'd have to call shortstop. Wherever it was, it was nothin' but a good place.

As for not getting more from her talking wise, I didn't really expect much different. It's all just lip service to her, at least for now, and what else can it be? I mean, anybody can talk a good game, what you gotta do is play and prove you got the skills.

Yeah I promised her I'm in it for the long haul, and I definitely am, but the only way she's gonna know that for sure is if I'm here every day. There's nothing but time that's gonna make this real for her and there's no way to get around that fact. It's not a great sitch for either of us, but when you act like I did, this is where you end up…if you're lucky.

At least I know that she loves me and still wants me, and I also know she knows that I love her. That's not a problem, that won't ever be the problem, and so we have to go from there. I wanna fix what I fucked up, but that kinda work only gets done by doing it over time. She can't trust me right now, but once those days start pilin' up, she'll start believing me again.

It's cool, I can wait. I got nothing but time, no other place I wanna be, so I'll hang here and move as slow as we gotta. If she speeds it up, I'll be right with her every step of the way. Whatever pace B's gonna take it at, I'm gonna match her. I'm staying put right by her side, feeling nothing but grateful to get another chance to claim that spot as mine.

I gotta pay some dues, take my lumps, and that's okay with me. After years of screwing up, I've got another chance, a good one, and I'm gonna take it. I've got the best person ever made wanting nothing more than to be with me, and I'm done trying to screw that up for myself. Life is good, life is sweet, and I'm gonna enjoy every fucking second of it.  

So right now things are a little shaky between me and B, but so what? They're not always gonna be, and one day we'll be way past this and looking back at what a shit time it was. We'll laugh, maybe B'll smack me one for bein' so damn dumb, and then she'll kiss me because we made it through. I'll thank her for not letting go and for forgiving me, then we'll make love and keep right on living our life together.

Yeah, you take your time, B. I'm not going anywhere.

There's a flickering light bouncin' off the table into your eyes
And I can't help but wanna catch it

When you fold me in your arms
And dump your soul onto my back

All the noises in my head stop to listen to my heart
Stretchin' out, givin' in

Would you look at this love of ours now
I do believe I'm settling in

Come on in honey, the deep end is callin'
Touch your toes now and spring back up

I'm gonna promise it all, true lovin'
So come on, come on baby

I said never give up

When without a warning you walked right in
Sat yourself inside me and ordered

Never has it been so easy to just lay still and let somebody see me
My heart is stretchin' out

Oh, I'm givin' in, yeah

Look at this love of ours now
I do believe I'm slowin' down a little and settlin' in

Come on in honey the deep end is callin'
Touch your toes now and spring back up

I'm gonna promise it all, true lovin'
So come, come on baby

I said never give up

The first week was like a month stranded on an island
With nothin' but our bodies talkin'

When we came up for air
All the world was there

I swear it was raining just in our honor
I'm stretchin' out now

Ooh I'm givin' in, yeah

Would you look at this love of ours now
I do believe I'm settlin' in, yeah

Would you look at this love of ours now
I do believe we're settlin' in, yeah

So come on!

Come on in, honey the deep end is callin'
Touch your toes now and spring back up

I'm gonna promise it all, true lovin'
Come on in honey the deep end is callin'

Touch your toes now and sprig back up
Let's promise it all to each other

So come on, come on honey, I said never give up

-Never Give Up - Melissa Ferrick

Play It As It Lays

It was just supposed to be a simple mission: head to Chicago and evaluate how well the Slayers there were doing their job, as well as assess how much longer it was going to take to finish up. It was something that any skilled Slayer or Scooby could manage, but Giles insisted that I had to be the one to do it.

"Buffy, although this task appears somewhat mundane on the surface, there is a bit more going on here."

"Such as?"

"Such as this has been a rather arduous assignment, and besides requiring an experienced eye to ascertain the exact progress that has been achieved, I believe the team could use a spark of encouragement as well."

I knew what he was getting at, but I always hate whenever the topic comes up, so I played dumb.

"Great, then send Rona or Vi. Heck, even Kennedy should be able to…"

"Buffy, you know very well that a visit from you will completely thrill and reinvigorate the other girls."

"Yeah, but I…"

"You are the Slayer, no matter how uncomfortable that makes you at times. Yes, of course I can send someone else, but they wouldn't be nearly as effective, now would they?"

I didn't answer him. He knew he'd won and I always hate that too.

"Please think it over and let me know first thing in the morning what you've decided. If you choose not to go, I shall…"

"You shall make that 'disappointed in me' face and I'll end up going anyway?"

"I've no idea what you're on about, and yes, that is exactly what will occur."

I could see the amusement and affection in his eyes, but I took a sip of his tea anyway just because I know how much it irritates him. It didn't exactly make us even, but it did make me feel a little bit better. Besides, time away by myself didn't really sound all that bad when I thought about it.

"Fine, I'll go, but no teleporting. I've done way too much of that lately."

"Of course your method of transportation is entirely up to you."

I decided to drive myself there, then braced for the many unfair and not at all true comments that I'm always forced to put up with. Yes, I drove like a "spaz" when I was a teenager, but in the intervening years, I've managed to master the not all that hard skill of driving a car. Now the skill of not killing your baby sister when she presents you with an updated "Last Will and Testament" to sign before you leave? I'm completely hit or miss on that one…although that could change if she'd just quit dodging so much.

When I told Faith I was going to be gone for a few days, she asked if I wanted company. She stood there all happy and excited until I told her that no, I wanted and needed the time away. She dimmed a little bit, but not really all that much considering I didn't exactly say it as nicely as I could have. But that's one of the craziest things about what's going on between us now: no matter what I do, Faith is the happiest I've ever seen her.

She keeps acting like everything's great, which given how bitchy and unpredictable I've been, seemed to me like nothing but stupid until I asked her about it:

"Yeah, sure it's not the best right now, but that's not gonna last forever. And no matter how long it goes, I just love being around you, B."

Said with nothing but honesty, her heart on her sleeve, and although comments like that always make the love I feel for her skyrocket, they also make me mad. Because damn her for messing everything up, damn her for making me doubt her, and damn her for turning me into a fool with no pride who just wants to love her…no matter what.

We started officially living together again a few months ago, but things are still way over on the tense side. Faith deployed…depressed…she mashed down really hard on the biggest of the "Bad Buffy" buttons, and I'm finding it really hard to get past it. I don't handle desertion from anyone very well, and obviously least of all from Faith.

Every unattractive thing in me has been rearing its ugly head way more often than either of us would like, and I just can't seem to stop it. I know she's sorry, I know she wishes she could take it back, and I know she's doing everything she can to make it up to me. It's crystal clear that she loves me and it's also crystal clear that I'm still wildly in love with her, but I'm also still hurt and angry enough to sometimes wish I didn't feel that way. I look at her and all I can see is a bright red "Danger!" sign blinking on and off over her head.

I know a big part of me is being unfair. After all she did come back, which no one's ever done before, and why I keep acting like that doesn't matter when it obviously does, is a mystery to me. Of course it's not all bad between us. She can still draw me to her with just a smile or wriggle her eyebrows and make me laugh. When she dances around in the kitchen, then walks over to me, I still drool because I can't wait to hold onto those perfect hips. She snuggles up to me in bed at the end of the day and it still feels like everything is right where it should be.

Her hands touch me like they were made to and I know there's nothing in the world that will ever feel better, but then I get mad – at her, myself, the world, love, whatever, and I shut down just as fast as I can. I get mean, say things I shouldn't say, ignore her, point out her faults, just become a bitch shrew from Hell, and what does Faith do? She listens, she apologizes, she says she understands, and then she promises me that she won't ever leave me again. If I go too far, she'll say something back, but not in anger, just to point out in a nice way how awful I'm being. And through all of it, Faith stays calm. 

Always calm, always loving, always considerate, and sometimes I just want to punch her right in the face for it. She makes me feel like a stupid little kid having a temper tantrum, like she's not the one at fault, like she's not the screw up who screwed everything up. I yell at her, I push her, and Faith just takes it and stays so happy it's like she's on drugs.

Everyone's noticed, how could they not? She's lighter, more settled, downright cheerful, and I know it's not a passing thing. She's explained it to me and I couldn't be happier for her. Her past is just the past now, she's all focused on the present and the future, and that's exactly what I've always wanted for her. Faith is fine – it's all systems go, full speed ahead, and let's let bygones be way, way gone. Wicked gone would probably be best.

Yes, right, absolutely, for sure. Let's just forget how you wiped your feet all over my heart after you tore it out of my chest and tossed it aside. I'll just brush it off and plump it up again even though it's all squished into a bloody…Okay, heart analogies are just gross and they never work out when I'm involved.

The short explanation is that I'm glad she's back and that she's more than okay. I'm deliriously happy that she's had such a huge and wonderful breakthrough, that the monsters from her past no longer have such a hold on her. It makes me feel joyful, like maybe once in a while good things actually do happen to good people, and it makes me want to hold her hands in mine and twirl us both around in a circle until we're so dizzy we fall down. Preferably one on top of the other.

I want to tell everybody in her past that they didn't win, they didn't destroy her. I want to tell them how good and strong and brave Faith is, how she fought so hard to be the wonderful person she is. I want to tell each and every one of them that they'll never be even half as good as her, and I want to kiss her until her breath is gone and her dimples are so deep I could get lost in them. I want us to live our lives together all happy and safe, and I still want to beat the woman who gave birth to Faith to within an inch of her life…or just as close as I can take her.

All of that's how I truly feel and yet I can't seem to remember how to be nice to Faith, at least not on a consistent or even semi-regular basis. I promise myself it will be different and I manage to hang on for a while, then I'll say something mean and hate myself for talking to her that way. She'll usually just let it go, but sometimes she insists we talk about it. I'm not sure what good that does her because I usually lose it at those times and she's out on the couch for the night or it's like the Arctic in our bedroom, cute penguins and fuzzy polar bears not included.

My behavior doesn't make a lot of sense to me, so that's why I figured the trip could actually be a good thing. It was a chance to get away for a while and just be by myself, even though I'd be surrounded by fifteen other Slayers. But the key thing was none of them knew me, at least not enough to ask me every ten seconds how things were going or how I was doing, and there definitely wouldn't be any beautiful brown eyes watching me patiently for signs of…well, for signs of anything, I guess.

So just like that I was off, not a care in the world. The traffic was light and the sun was shining in a blue sky with white puffy clouds floating past. I put the top down, turned the radio up loud, and then took my time moseying down the highway. About an hour into it I could feel the stress and tension easing off, and I happily sang my way into the Windy City with a song in my heart because I was in the best mood in forever.

After signing autographs…okay, that's an exaggeration, but not by much, I took the girls out to their favorite restaurant. The salad was delicious as were the subs, and Faith would have insisted we move in so we could do the place justice:

"One meal ain't gonna cut it, B. Pack a bag 'cause we gotta stay awhile."

Once the company credit card had stopped smoking, we went back to the secret Slayer home away from home and got down to business.  

Kanesha was in charge, which was nothing but a good thing. I'd trained her myself, recommended her for the job, and I wasn't the least bit surprised to find that she had everything and everyone working like a finely honed scythe. As she laid everything out for me concisely and yet somehow thoroughly at the same time, I was all kinds of impressed. Things couldn't have been going better.

"You're doing a great job, Kanesha."

She sat up straighter, no easy feat since she was already imitating a ruler, and gave me a big smile, something she rarely did whenever anyone else was around. Kanesha was all business when it came to slaying and everything else, and she didn't exactly like to show her softer side.

"Thank you. I really appreciate that, Ms. Summers."

"Buffy." 

"…Do I have to?"

"Yes, you have to."

"Fine, Buffy, but I should get big points for not doing a curtsey whenever you walk into the room."

"Hey, I never said you had to stop curtseying!"

We both laughed and she finally relaxed. We gossiped for a little bit about what was going on back home, and then Kanesha filled me in on the latest plans and various strategies. The vamp gang we were trying to shut down had made "quite an extensive series of inroads into the surrounding community" and it wasn't an easy thing to cut off all of their various connections. The girls had done a remarkable job of it though, and there was only about a third of the organization left to worry about.

"So what's your best estimate?"

"I'd say two, maybe three more weeks before they're completely out of the picture."

"That sounds good. I thought I'd hang around for a few days and spy on you, but since you've got everything running so smoothly, maybe I'll just make this a mini vacation instead."

"That'd be great! Everybody's going be so excited to get a chance to work in the field with you."

I gave her my best horrified look:

"Who said anything about working? 'Vacation' means tanning by the pool, napping, then eating and drinking things that are completely bad for me."

"Plenty of that to find in Chicago. Besides, it's not like I'm expecting any trouble."

She said it before I could stop her, and I guess no matter how thoroughly you train someone, well, nobody's perfect. And I mean her, not me, because there is no way in the world I didn't mention the dangers of "self-jinxing" to her. What that means is what happened over the next week was all on Kanesha, my conscience is nothing but clear.

The vamps hit us hard the very next night and it was a pretty tough week. They were clearly not as thrilled by our success as we were, and they decided to bring the fight to us.  Kanesha handled it just right. She made the necessary adjustments, asked for my input, but maintained her confidence and position as Team Leader. We ended up winning without losing anybody, always a huge plus, and the timetable leapt ahead several days which made everybody on our side deliriously happy.

It was a good week – dangerous and scary, but fun in a lot of ways too. It was also really nice to see Kanesha come into her own. She was definitely someone we could count on now and in the future, and I couldn't wait to give Giles my glowing report. Of course there was also another reason I couldn't wait to get back home, but there's something to be said for a life or death battle to help keep a Slayer too busy to miss what she's missing.

Besides, it wasn't like we weren't speaking every single day. After Kanesha did her best to get us all killed, Faith began chomping at the bit to make an appearance. I reassured her that reinforcements weren't necessary, and when that didn't work, I just flat-out refused to let her come.

"We don't need any back-up, Faith."

"How's it gonna hurt? Can always use some more help."

"I don't want Kanesha thinking I'm doubting her ability to handle this."

"Then let her think it's me sayin' she sucks."

I knew she was worried and that it was hard to sit on the sidelines when a fight was going on, but that was the situation we were in. Besides, her help really wasn't needed.

"Just stay put. We're doing fine."

"Yeah, but B, I just think…"

"Are you going to make me say it?"

She went quiet then, she knew what I was getting at.

"Faith, we can handle this. And I really need the time away, okay? If you come here, well, that's not going to help."

"…But I just don't want you in over your head and not lettin' me help `cause of personal shit."

"And when have I ever let the personal interfere with the job?"

"Yeah, okay, but I want the word the second it goes to shit."

"I promise, you'll be my first teleport call. Now stop worrying, I'm fine."

Even though she wasn't happy, she let it go after making me promise to check in with her every day, which I've faithfully done…and yes, Faith ran that right into the ground.

When the dust had finally settled and the crisis was over, I decided to take a couple of days just to wind down before I headed back. They say the best laid plans involve mice in some way, which might explain why they never work out very well. I mean, who puts their faith… their trust in rodents? Still I walked out to the pool with great optimism, my mind full of nothing except thoughts of tanning and dozing.

Twenty minutes on my chair in the direct sunlight explained to me just how hot it was outside, and trust me, when a California sun worshipper thinks it's too hot, it is. I made it another six minutes before I had to jump for my life into the deep end. It wasn't a cannonball, but it wasn't a dive either. Whatever it was, it got the job done and I was absolutely marrying the cool water that surrounded me.

My feet brushed the bottom of the pool, but I just sort of hovered where I was. It felt so good, but eventually my air ran out and I pushed off and propelled myself upward, watching as the light rushed closer. By the time I broke the surface, it was game on. She was right there, the years rolling away in my mind to take me back to when we were just kids and had everything to win and everything to lose.

I tried as hard as I could to stop thinking about her, hoisting myself clear and sprawling back on my lounge chair, magazine in hand. It didn't work. Even as I turned the pages I knew I wasn't paying any attention, not to anything that was poolside anyway. It was like the water had opened me up somehow and there was no way to close back off.

God, was it really possible that we were ever that young? I guess age wise we were, but Faith and I have never really been all that young when it comes right down to it. At least not by the time we met. Too much responsibility, too much pain, too much passion that neither of us had the first clue how to handle, it all prevented us from ever being just kids.

I can see us so clearly, patrolling Sunnydale side by side while love tried its best to spark and catch. I can still smell the night air, the scent of the wet grass caused by the nighttime sprinklers as our footsteps fell so easily into sync with one another. We were The Slayers out on patrol, but we were also two girls wondering at the emotion that sung out between us as we walked the town trying to do a woman's job. 

We were better in those days, but of course we were so much worse too. I guess the most incredible thing is that when it comes right down to it, we're really still just the same despite all of the changes. Sure, she's no longer insane and I'm no longer trying to understand how to fit inside my own destiny, but the core of us, the things that make us Buffy and Faith, those are still exactly what they always were. Nothing's all that different…except everything is.

No matter how we've changed, I can still recognize us. I see how we've gained some things and lost some others, and I suppose that's really no different than it is for anyone who grows into adulthood. But Faith and I, we did our growing up in a pressure cooker of life and death, and there's no way that's not so much harder than the regular way. We screwed up so many things back in the day, but we still managed to get a few right too, and those are the things that seem the most in focus to me.

When I look back now I just see Faith – smiling, flirting, dancing, slaying, and walking so cocky it's like she owns the place. I know that's not the full story, not even the tip of the iceberg, but the rest of it is so faded, smudged almost beyond recognition because none of it matters anymore. Maybe it never really did.

She's Faith, she's always been Faith just like I've always been Buffy, and our sins and good deeds, our blessings and our curses are all tangled up now. They've blended together, woven tightly to some invisible connection, falling away, yet still attached as they leave us here to carry on. And that's exactly what we've done even though it hasn't been easy.

My whole afternoon went that way, deep thoughts messing up my fun even as I kept trying to ignore them, and I was relieved when I could finally go in without arousing suspicion. I showered and got ready for dinner, then settled down for a quiet evening watching movies with the other Slayers not on duty. I couldn't concentrate so I decided instead to turn in early and catch up on my sleep, but the night wasn't exactly onboard with that plan. I fought hard, but by nine thirty my bags were packed and I left a note on Kanesha's amazingly organized desk.

The drive back was much different than my "Buffy Rides to the Rescue" journey had been. This time it rained, not a horrible, "pull over to the side of the road" rain, but a steady enough one that kept my wipers busy the entire trip. The radio wasn't even pretending to brighten things up, there was just one sad song after the other no matter what channel I tried, and the traffic wasn't just light, it was practically non-existent. It all added up to the emptiest, most lonely road I've ever been on, and my thoughts weren't what anyone could call the cheeriest of travel companions.

They insisted on taking me right to Faith, or I guess it'd be more accurate to say my thoughts kept taking me right to myself in relation to Faith. And how we fit together, but not like that…although just like that too.

It's never been easy for us, and the more I think about it now, the more I'm wondering why that suddenly seems to matter to me when it never did before. I mean, this is Faith I'm dealing with and I'm Buffy, and when you factor in that life is hard and love is complicated for everyone, let alone two Slayers, well what else could I possibly expect? When did I decide I had to start keeping score?

She's not perfect, neither am I. We make mistakes, we say and do the wrong things, but sometimes we get it right too and our life together moves on, taking us with it. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to let myself love her. I knew what her struggles were and how they could unfold, and I chose to risk it because she's Faith. She's who I want, who I need, and with her is where I belong. It's my place, maybe by destiny or maybe it's just my luck, but either way it's where I want to be.

Yes she hurt me, but I know she didn't set out to. I knew that about her the very first time she held me after we made love, when she kissed me and sighed like she was finally safe. I know she's sorry, I know it's just that life is hard and love is something that has to shift and bend and learn how to live in the real world.

It's just one day after the other, and some are good, some are bad, some are a nightmare, but others…Well, others are so perfect and beautiful you just want to float along with them forever. If you're lucky, time marches on and those days add up into the kind of love that Faith and I share, a love that seems like the one true constant in this world. A love that's just us.

Somewhere along the way, I'd lost the theme, the path, the meaning, the whatever it's called. It's the very thing I can't afford to lose, not ever, and certainly not when it comes to Faith. My care, my tenderness, the kindness and understanding that love requires, I can't let go of that, not if I want us to survive.

I'm not a saint, I can't just let everything go and never feel hurt, but I'm not kidding anyone here, not even me. The pain from this latest go-around started fading into the background the second I heard her voice at the club: nervous and scared, sorry and sad, but happy and there. She was there, and I wasn't prepared for that.

No one's ever come back. Once they're gone it's more of a "don't let the door hit you on the way out" kind of thing. I never see them again, not unless they're Riley all complete with a great, new shiny wife and needing a favor, or Angel just being Angel and doing his job during an apocalypse. But this time someone came back for me, and when I finally let my eyes look into hers, I could see everything.

There was nothing but love staring at me and I couldn't stop my happiness from spilling all over her. Just the sheer delight of seeing her, of feeling her again, it was everything to me. Faith had come back and I couldn't do anything but welcome her home.

But after that initial happiness, I began to get scared and I let myself forget who and what she is. I forgot her beauty, her strength, her gentleness, her burning desire to do the right thing, and I forgot her endless love for me. I guess what I really forgot was how to be in love.

I was crushed, still in survival mode, and I didn't understand all I needed to do was stand back up, take her hand, and move forward. She'd faced her demons and she was new and improved, which who could even imagine that she could ever be a better Faith? But she is, and I can see it.

The sadness that's always surrounded her is gone, the exhaustion from carrying her past with her everywhere she goes is nowhere to be seen. She's filled with energy, practically bouncing when she walks. Her face looks younger, she no longer seems like a battle scarred soldier begging for a place to rest.

She's Faith in all her glory, and the thing that remains the same is her love for me. It's right there on full display every time she looks at me, touches me. She stands there and lets me vent, she holds me close when I'll let her, she makes love to me just like I need her to, and she waits for me with nothing but faith. And I mean that in every possible way.

"I'm yours, B. Always."

Yes, she broke my heart, but no. I can feel it now and my heart's not broken. It turns out it's just been a little scuffed up is all. I'm not a wimp and my heart isn't either. We're both a lot stronger than I was giving us credit for, and now that I've decided to stop trying to make myself feel like my stupid pride says I'm supposed to, I can see that this latest pain has already fallen away. It's gone, linking itself onto the chain that makes up our history, another bump in the road that we managed to drive right over.

I know there are more bumps waiting for us, that's just our way, but what does it matter in the long run? We love each other, we'll pull us through and we'll keep coming back stronger than we were before because that's just our way too. As Faith would say, it's all part of the package.

Okay, what she'd really say is:

"Even fucked up, we got us a wicked fine package, B."

Yes we do. In fact, they don't make them any wicked finer.

The rain's still coming down, the wipers are still doing their job, and the radio still sucks, but I couldn't care less. I'm already humming to myself, and it feels like I've finally woken up after a long and not so peaceful sleep. My skin is tingling, my heart is pumping, and the world looks so much brighter even though it's completely black outside.

All I want now is to get home. I have so much I need to say to her, so many things I've figured out, but first I just want to feel her in my arms while I look into her eyes and tell her that I remember.

I remember her, us, and most of all?

I remember how to be Buffy.

Sad song on the radio
Echoes down this empty road here tonight

With a lost melody and a lonely rhyme
Of windshield wipers slapping time, you know the one

Well it woke up something that was sleeping below my skin
I wanted to tell you so much, but where do I start, where do I begin

Do I start with how I lost my kindness and how I found it once again
And I'm gonna play it as it lays

Play it as it lays

Every perfect picture hides a mess or two
Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's you, but that's all right

You surrender, you confess, you make amends
You get undressed and call it a night

But I remember the first time that I laid down inside your arms
How I kissed your tired mouth, so full of grace, so empty of harm

And how I knew the road ahead would unravel itself cursed and charmed
And I would just play it as it lays

Play it as it lays, play it as it lays

Say a prayer for the brokenhearted
Get back up and get it started again

Say a prayer for the brokenhearted
Say a prayer for love

Years go by, you add them up
Some days are holy, some days are rough, but that's all right

It's a used up line, you know it's true
I never loved anyone the way that I love you

Yesterday I walked down the streets we walked when we were young
Tried to pull a thread between who we once were and who we've become

And if we lost a little along the way, that's all right, what's done is done
And I'm just gonna play it as it lays

Oh, play it as it lays, I'm just gonna play it as it lays
Oh, play it as it lays…

-Play it as it Lays - Patti Scialfa

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