Chapter Four

For the next two weeks, that's fourteen whole days, I let Faith know I wanted her. I hung around with her every chance I got, touched her a million times a day, invaded her personal space like I belonged there, and her reaction to it all? She was a total idiot.

No matter what I did, she took it the wrong way. Nothing worked, and the only time I thought I might have caught her looking at me with interest, was right after a really tough and nasty patrol.

I'd just dusted the last vamp, and then I felt her. I looked over and all I could think was, "Please let that look mean what I think it does", but after a few more seconds of intense staring, all she said was:

"Starvin' B, you?"

Not exactly the words I was longing to hear, not even close.

I kept at it, but the only difference I noticed was that she seemed to be a lot more grouchy than usual. I had no idea what was up her butt, but she just always seemed to be in a bad mood. It all kind of came to a head the night we went out.

Will, Xander, Dawn, Kennedy, Faith, and I were at our favorite place. We were all having fun, well all of us except for Faith. She hadn't said two words since we'd arrived, and she was drinking a lot more than she usually did. I made a joke to her about it, and her answer was a little on the hostile side:

"What, you my fucking Watcher now?"

Okay, no more talking to Faith, for anybody. Then Justin came over.

He was this harmless guy who kept trying to hang around with us, me specifically. I wasn't interested, but he couldn't seem to get that. It was annoying, but we always just ignored him until he finally gave up and went away for the night.

He was handsome in a preppy kind of way, but I wanted nothing to do with him. I was completely and exclusively after the dark angry cloud sitting on my left, so I was a little more blunt with him this time than I usually was:

"Look, I've already told you fifty times that I'm not interested. Trust me, that's never going to change."

"All I need is a chance. You don't even know me."

"And I don't want to. I'm sure there are plenty of other girls here who would be thrilled to…"

He completely ignored me, leaned across Faith and grabbed me by the arm.

"Come on, just one dance. I guarantee you'll like it."

"Let go of my…"

Before I could finish the sentence, Faith had him off me. His arm was bent up behind his back, and she was this close to breaking it.

"She said to get lost, and she said it really fucking nice. But I ain't her, so I'm gonna say it a little different: Either haul it or I'm gonna break some bones, starting with your arm."

Then she flung him into a nearby table. The whole thing tipped over, spilling food and drinks and Justin all over the place. The people at the table got up and just took off, and Justin lay sprawled on the floor looking more than a little stunned.

It was kind of shocking. She hadn't done anything like that in a long time, plus it seemed like a huge overreaction. She was already back in her seat staring down into her drink, while the rest of us watched him struggling to regain some of his dignity.

"You fucking bitch! Who the fuck do you think you are? I should fucking…"

He stopped yelling just like that, and when I turned to look at Faith, I saw why.

She'd unsheathed her knife and had it sitting on the table in front of her.

"Three seconds and I'm gonna carve you up."

We never saw him again.

I tried to talk to her about it, but all I got out of her was:

"Not in the mood tonight, Your Highness."

I left it there, what else could I do except get into a big fight with her? I was clueless, but of course now I realize just what the problem was. Back then I thought she was just in a really bad mood. God, sometimes I am so stupid.

So okay, fine. Faith was all cranky, all the time, but I didn't let it stop me. I stayed on track but after two weeks of getting no response, well I was getting a little cranky myself. It all kind of blew up on Day 14. Or more accurately, Night 14.

We were alone in the den watching some movie on TV. I'd maneuvered it so we were both sitting on the couch, and as the night went on, I edged closer and closer until I was right next to her. I was in full seduction mode, a real Mata Hari…Wait a sec, was she a big temptress or a big spy? Maybe she was both?

So not the point here. I'm just saying that even though I might not be a world famous seducer spy lady, I do know my way around. At least a little bit, and certainly enough to say with complete confidence that anyone should have been able to tell what I wanted, what I was after.

But Faith? The sexiest sexbomb to ever live? The woman who thinks about sex when she laces up her boots or washes pots and pans? Nothing.

She just sat there like I wasn't even there. I was furious, frustrated, and confused. I finally gave up, huffed out a goodnight, and all I got in return was a mumbled "Night B", before she went right back to watching the movie like nothing else was going on.

I felt like flouncing out, but I wasn't sure how to do it anymore. In the old days, I was a flouncing expert. I was so flouncy, I could have taught classes. It's a total girl thing, and there is nobody more "girly" than me, well except for the Slayer part of me. And that part seems to have effectively destroyed all my God-given flouncing abilities. You'd think there'd be a memo when stuff like that happens.

Anyway, it seems that all I can do now is storm, so storm I did. I slammed the door on my way out, then stomped up the stairs to my room. Stomping and storming are excellent tradeoffs for flouncing, but I didn't appreciate that at the time.

I got into bed just steaming. When the clock made its way to 2:00 a.m., I threw it across the room. It bounced off my dresser and shattered, but that was fine by me. I was tired of it just sitting there ticking off the minutes so slowly, I felt like I was going insane. It was all so maddening, and I never thought it would go the way it was going.

I decided that was it. I was all done being subtle. Subtle was not working, she was obviously too stupid to get it. Time to adjust, to revamp…I was changing tactics.

It was time to lay it all out there, to confront her with the truth. Hopefully if I asked her directly, I would get a direct answer, and I cannot express just how much I needed that. I also needed it to be a `yes', and that I needed so badly, well I could barely wait.

And really, why was I being all subtle and timid in the first place? I'm a grown woman, a Slayer for crying out loud. I face the scariest monsters every single night, and I save the world on a regular basis. No wonder it hadn't been working, I wasn't going with my strengths. Well no more of that. I had courage, lots of it, and I was going to use it.

I didn't bother knocking, I just barged right into her darkened room. Clearly she'd been sleeping, well too bad for her. Time to wake up, I was on a mission.

"Alright Faith, just hear me out. I don't know exactly when it happened, God I'm not even sure how it's possible that it happened…I mean I think maybe it's always been like this and I just kind of suppressed it, who knows for sure? What I do know for sure is this: I am in love with you."

She didn't make a sound, in fact I think she even quit breathing.

"I know it's a shock, I've had time to deal and I'm still shocked. And the thing is, I can't do a casual affair with you. I'm not that kind of person, and I feel way too strongly about you anyway. I don't know how you feel about it or me…I know there's a lot between us, but please think it over before you decide. I'll wait for you in my room so you can figure out how you feel. Take your time."

Then I left and went back to my room to wait. At first I was feeling pretty good. I'd done it, I'd really told her, and now the ball was in her court. Any minute she was going to be in here, hopefully returning my feelings, and it was going to be the best night of my life.

I thought about changing into something more comfortable, but that didn't seem right. I wanted to make it clear that this was about a lot more than sex, and to do that we needed to talk things over first. Of course that didn't mean the night couldn't end less with the verbal and way more with the physical…But I could wait, I could absolutely wait.

So there I was, again with the slow moving time. I kept looking at my watch that was now sitting on my nightstand. I never wore the stupid thing, but since I'd smashed my clock, it was all I had left. I checked the time every five minutes, even though I told myself I wasn't going to. I just couldn't seem to help it, even though I knew it was only making things worse.

Then suddenly, it was 3:00 a.m..An hour had passed…A full sixty minutes had gone by, and I couldn't believe it. Not only had she not come to tell me that she loved me too, she hadn't even bothered to see if I was okay.

And why should it take her an hour to make up her mind? It's not like we just met yesterday…God, this was exactly the kind of thing she always did, the kind of thing that always pissed me off.

She could be so selfish, so wrapped up in her own deal. It was always all about her, what she wanted, how she wanted to handle something…Or more accurately, not handle something.

Yeah sure, I'd told her to take her time, but not one whole hour. I'm in here waiting, dying and she's what? Agonizing over making a commitment? Trying to pretend I never said anything? Hoping it will all go away so she won't have to face up to some real emotion?

Well the hell with that. Nobody treats me like that, especially not Faith. I'd just told her that I loved her, that I was in love with her, and I'd told her right out loud, for crying out loud. She was not just going to blow me off, no way.

I'd said some really hard to say things, I'd laid it all right out in the open, and the least she could do was respond. Gee, maybe she could even explain herself for a change. But oh no, not Faith. No way did she want to risk leaving herself open, so she wasn't even going to try.

But by all means, let's let Buffy lay herself bare. That's perfectly fine, in fact why not just juggle with Buffy's heart and then stomp all over it without even saying a word? That was not acceptable, it was never going to be acceptable, and she was a first-class bitch if she thought she could pull this. No way was she getting away with it.

I stormed back to her room, and I didn't even let her get a word in edgewise.

"So what, I don't even deserve a response? God Faith, do you think you could maybe consider `my' feelings for once? I was terrified to tell you how I felt, but I did it anyway. Do you think maybe you could give me something here? Or maybe you could at least act like you care about me as a person?!"

Still nothing, and just like that I was out of control. I was past hurt and angry, I'd never felt anything like it before. I could not believe I'd spilled my guts to her, and she wouldn't even utter a sound. Didn't she have any feelings for me at all? Not even as a friend?

I stomped over and turned on her beside lamp, no more hiding for her. If she was going to be a coward, let her do it where I could see her. No more using the darkness as her cover.

Of course when the light came on, I saw I was alone. At first I thought she'd run off right after my first heartfelt speech, but then I realized the bed was still made, so that meant she'd never been there at all. Thankfully no one was around to witness just how stupid I really am. It could have caused more than a little dissension in the ranks.

I was still kind of mad at her, even though I clearly had no reason to be. There's no real way to just turn it off when you feel so hurt and angry, and it takes a while to wind down. So I sat there and wound down, but as the minutes passed, I still felt what I felt. Obviously it was going to take a bit more time, in fact it seemed like it might take a lifetime.

I kept sitting there, all Zen-like except for the thought of punching her right in the face that kept flashing through my mind. My Slayer mode had been activated, and even though I knew it was totally unfair, I could not stop being pissed.

It was way over on the crazy side, Faith hadn't even done anything to me. She hadn't ignored me because she hadn't heard a word I'd said. Because Faith wasn't there…and why exactly was that?

It wasn't that long ago I was doing my best to seduce her, and then what? She just took off to go party? It was kind of insulting when you thought about it, and thinking about it I most definitely was. In fact it quickly became all I could think about, and it explained why I was still so mad.

So what was it? Was I too boring to party with? Not cool enough? Not pretty enough? What was so wrong with me? A lot of people, okay at least a few people, would be thrilled to go out with me. Why wasn't she?

And just like that, the question I wanted an answer to had changed. Now I wanted to know just what was so bad about me, and I wanted to know right now. She was going to tell me, and she was going to tell me the instant she got home, no matter how long it took her stupid ass to show up.

Time passed, and I finally got under the blankets because the room was sort of chilly. I started calming down a little and okay yes, I felt a little stupid. It'd been that kind of night.

First I'd spent a couple of hours incompetently trying to show her how I felt about her, then I'd topped it all off by bravely confessing my love to an empty room. Not satisfied with that, I then waited an entire hour for her to come and get me when she wasn't even home. Just brilliant, really. That's me, Buffy Summers, lover extraordinaire, professional pitcher of the woo. Okay seriously, "woo"…what's that all about?

Not surprisingly, I ended up falling asleep all nicely snuggled in her bed, surrounded by her scent and dreaming nothing but romantic dreams of her. There was plenty of hot sex too, I'm not a complete idiot.

I have no idea how much longer it was before she came home, but the first thing I heard was her talking softly under her breath. My heart started racing because I thought she'd brought someone home with her, but thank every Higher Power ever, she was just talking to herself. Once my heart attack subsided, I realized that her talking to herself was not a good sign either.

Before I could really figure out what it meant, she started undressing and the talking got louder:

"…plenty to choose from. Ain't lost a thing, all kinds of seas in the fish. Don't want a fucking tie down anyways. Way better off like I… Get offa me, fucker!"

I knew I should speak up. The room was pitch black and she had no idea I was in her bed. I had to speak up, but as I heard her swearing at her clothes while she tried to remove them, my mouth suddenly got dry.

Then I felt the bed dip on her side, and well I'm only human, and apparently not a very good one at that.

"Fucked up, is what it is. Fucking clueless. Hanging all over me… Goddamn it, I want you off!"

The ripping noise sounded really loud as she tore her shirt from her body and got back on her feet. She flung it away angrily, knocking something off her dresser.

"Surprise! Right outta the blue…Gotta be on the aware…the awareness… What, the Mayor swingin' by next? Fuck, just imagine…Imaaagine there's no heavennnn…"

I guess it could be called singing, but she was more yelling than anything else.

"You fucking imagine it, asshole! Gotta see it every goddamn day!"

I couldn't really make sense out of what she was saying, but the slur in her voice and the strong smell of alcohol told me she was incredibly drunk. She was trying to take off her boots while standing up, and she sat down heavily on the bed as she lost her balance.

The first one came right off, but the second one wasn't cooperating with her. She stood up again and somehow got it off as she balanced precariously on one foot.

"Yeah, now what fucker?!"

The mirror above her dresser shattered as she hurled her boot against it.

"Hey, twenty-four…five...three…How the fuck old am I? Screw it. Dump a shitload of bad luck right the fuck here! Million shitty years, bring'em on!"

She literally fell into bed.

"Big double bed here…room for two! No, that's not right…supposed to be…tea! Yeah, tea for two, that's it…Like it fuckin' matters. Always just me…I don't even like tea… Not gonna drink it neither! Hey, anybody got a violin?!!! HELLO?! What, nobody gives two shits? Two for shits…No…Shits for two…ha ha ha. Okay, gonna sleep now…Fuck you, ya hear me?!!! FUCK YOU!!!"

Before I could get up, she sprawled over and flung her leg and arm across me. She was almost passed out, and she didn't even seem surprised to find someone in bed with her.

She just nuzzled right into me and tightened her embrace. She kept murmuring into my neck, and I started shivering because every time she spoke, her lips brushed against my skin.

"Mmm…You smell so good…just right."

Her tongue ran along my jaw, and I lost all ability to reason or anything else for that matter.

"Don't go, okay? Just stay with me…So perfect..."

Her head moved, and then she was whispering right into my ear:

"Green…brown…both at once…They got a word for that…"

I was trying to stay still, but I wasn't going to last much longer. Her breath in my ear, her hand playing with my hair, the sexiness of her voice, like a whispered growl…

"All silky…just pours through my fingers…Perfect little bitch…Just one more minute…please…"

I couldn't take it anymore. My body was responding, I had to have her. I reached for her, and she was out. Like out cold. Unconscious out. Sleeping the sleep of the dead. The drunken dead.

I laid there trying to figure out what she'd been talking about, who she'd been talking about. Had she been talking about me? Me as in "Buffy" me? Was she actually comparing me to Heaven? Was that really possible? I decided to examine the evidence piece by piece to see if it fit.

I had been hanging all over her. She had seen me every single day. My eyes are both green and brown and they do have a word for it; hazel. I use conditioner all the time to keep my hair soft and smooth, you could call it silky. And I am little, everybody knows I'm little. I can also be a real bitch too, and yes, everyone knows that as well.

It all seemed to fit, and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. She really was talking about me…Oh…my…God…She'd been talking about me.

I made my escape about an hour later. I admit I didn't try very hard to get away from her, not when her totally naked body was pressed up tight against my sadly pajamaed one. It wasn't perfect, but it was absolutely way too good to leave.

I stayed right where I was, except I moved in a little closer to her. Because she was passed out, I knew that any touching I did would fall into the creepy "molestation" category, and I wasn't that desperate… yet.

I refrained from all of that, well mostly. I did run my hand along her arm, the one flung over me, and occasionally that would cause my hand to brush lightly along the side of her breast. And sometimes my other hand would stroke her hair all the way down to her back, but that's not so bad.

When you compare it to what I could have done, what I wanted to do, well I think I deserve a medal or something. That's right, I am a hero and role model for perverts everywhere. Gee, is there a way I could be any more pathetic?

Eventually the sun started threatening to rise, and I knew I had to go. Her waking up and finding me there, so not a good thing. I knew that, but it didn't mean I didn't consider letting it happen anyway.

But Faith has issues, issues that would not be helped or resolved by my being there when she woke up. I knew that for sure, so I forced myself to get up and out. Oh yeah, oodles and oodles of self-control for me.

I went back to my room, a little stunned, a little happy, and also a little scared. If what I thought she was talking about was in fact what she was talking about, she wanted me too. This might be it, the real deal, my big chance. It could actually happen if I handled it just right, and oh boy, talk about your pressure cookers.

Still it was all news of the good, news of the very good, no matter how much pressure was involved. For one thing, it meant that the love of my life wasn't an idiot after all. She knew what I was doing, she just didn't believe it. She was stupid sure, but she wasn't as stupid and clueless as she'd seemed. That was a relief of the hugely enormous kind.

But now this had all become trickier and more complicated. Or more tricky and more complicatedy…complicateder…more complex. If I went on the premise that she was talking about me, and in the light of day and away from the warmth of her body, that premise got harder and harder to trust, I had my foot in the door.

A normal person, a well-adjusted person, a potential couple comprised of two sane and normal people, would just sit down and talk all of this out rationally. They'd go over everything, laugh, cry, and then end up making the best love of their lives. It sounded good, it sounded great, and I wished them every happiness because it sure didn't sound anything like me and Faith.

That whole scenario would never work for us, no matter how much I wished it would. In this couple I was so interested in forming, one of the people was me, and the other one was Faith. I'm sure that's totally self-explanatory.

In case it's not, let me put it this way. Problem # 1…No, make that Problems 1-10: Faith. She can put up the biggest walls anybody's ever seen. It's almost something to admire, in a really weird and twisted way. I've never seen anything like it, before or since I met her.

The Great Wall of China? A rickety backyard fence. The Berlin Wall? Uh…I think they tore that one down finally…Yep, I'm pretty sure they did…But the point I'm trying to make is about Faith's walls. Big and solid. The kind of walls that could take years, if ever, to climb. Or tear down. Or scale over. Even for a Slayer.

I knew that no matter what I said to her, it wouldn't matter. If she didn't believe it, if she didn't believe that I had feelings for her, nothing I could say would ever change her mind. She'd just throw up a wall and then there'd be no reaching her, especially not with words. Faith is the very definition of "Action Girl", and I was going to have to deal with that.

Which brings it around quite nicely to Problems 11-100: me. That's right, me who has a foot just living in her mouth. Me, "Ms. Always Say the Wrong Thing at the Wrong Time Whenever It Comes To Faith". Wow…I really need to see about getting a nickname.

So even though it was looking good, it was also looking kind of grim with a big old slice of dire tossed in. Okay, but I was pretty sure I knew what we needed. We did not need talking, we did not need handholding, we did not need to frolic through the daisies, and we did not need a long romantic walk on the beach. All of that would be nice somewhere down the road, but first I had to make sure we had a road to go down.

What we needed now was action, action of the drastic kind, action of the courageous kind. There was no other way this was ever going to work out right, and it had to work out right, it absolutely had to. I couldn't live with it going any other way.

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