Chapter Five

Luckily I had the most perfect idea ever, at least I thought I did. I ran it past Will just to be sure, and she liked it. She did bring up the whole talking option again, but when I explained why I'd ruled that out, she seemed to understand.

I could tell she wasn't sure my plan was the very best course of action, but she got it and offered to help me in whatever way she could. She's my best friend for a reason, and it feels so good to know that again. Life doesn't seem as hard when she's by my side, and it's definitely a lot more fun.

So my brilliant plan? Well it was so simple, and Giles always says that the simplest plans are the best ones. They're also the easiest to pull off, and that was fine with me. I was fully prepared to be successful, in fact in typical Slayer fashion, I was determined to accept nothing less.

The goal was to get Faith away from the usual routine, away from all of the crap that kept us in the roles we'd assigned to ourselves so long ago. It was going to be just us, Faith and Buffy, relaxing in a romantic locale with nothing to do but be with each other. I wanted the chance to win her over, so I was going to make my own perfect situation.

Getting away from everything and everyone sounded like heaven. I needed the whole no distractions thing, and I needed her to see us differently. Having no one around but us, that was going to set the scene just right…plus I could tie her up if that's what it took to convince her. Not that I wanted to tie…her up…It's not like I'm…into that sort…of thing………Huh?

Okay, so after I made my sales pitch to Will, she got right into the spirit of it. She went all "Resolve Face" and told me not to worry, she was going to take care of the whole thing. It was a relief, but I know how things go around here, and sure enough it wasn't that long before it was time to worry.

"Hi Buff, whatcha doin'?"

"What's wrong?"

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong?"

"Willow, just say it."

She looked all sad and nervous:

"It's no big, really."

"And this not big thing is?"

"…Giles wants to talk to you."

"Giles? To me? Why?!"

But I knew why. Her expression told me who I was dealing with…Mr. Frugal was on the job, and I was going to have to explain things to him.

Now I was nervous. And for the record? A less generous person would have called him "Mr. Cheapskate".

"He is in a good mood though, so…"

"Am I supposed to go now?"

"Yep…He said he'd be waiting."

"Was there any scary music playing when he said that?"

"No, but I think the room did go dark for a second."

Did I say I was nervous? I lied, I was just plain scared. It's not easy telling someone you love that you're gay, and telling your father figure that you're gay and want to blow the company's money just to win over your girlfriend…well that's just priceless.

But he is Giles…My thoughts exactly. I had to wonder why these things always happened to me. Willow just stood silently, looking at me like the stay of execution had fallen through, until she realized she had duties and obligations to fulfill as my best friend.

"Want me to go with?"

"Yes, but I guess I'd better do it by myself."

"Yeah, I think that'd be best."

"It's unanimous then……Okay, no time like the present."

"Nope, the present is pretty unique."

The sympathy was still there, but she also looked way happy it wasn't her who had to go. She did give me the big encouraging smile and a thumbs up gesture, but the smile kind of wavered. It made her look more nauseous than reassuring, or maybe I was just projecting.

It felt like I was stuck to my chair, and for a second I had hope that I was under some kind of spell and would have to sit where I was forever. I could do that if I had…

"Buffy?"

"…I know."

I stood up and dragged off to meet my fate bravely. I am the Head Slayer after all, just ask Kennedy, but I really had to wonder how this was fair. I mean, when Willow came out it was just to me, and all she had to put up with was me saying her name every single time I said a sentence. Sure I was a little freaked, but just because I'd never ever thought of gayness when it came to her.

Of course I never knew she would meet someone like Tara either. She fell for her and who couldn't understand that? Tara was so sweet, so kind, so smart, just such a beautiful person in every possible way, what else could Will do?

I'm probably not the best person to try and figure it out anymore, not when I've defected to the home team…away team…I can never keep the sports analogies straight. I just know I'm on another team now.

But my complaint is that Will came out to me and I acted like an idiot for a minute, but then it was all good. She never officially came out to anyone else, especially not to Giles. Everybody only found out when we were all fighting like morons, and Giles was totally drunk at the time. Talk about having it easy. Okay, maybe "easy" isn't really the right word, but still it wasn't anything like this.

When I got to his office, the door was open. I stayed back and went over my speech in my head, but it was all jumbled up and made less sense the longer I stood there. Not good. I mean, you should be able to follow your own explanations, even if you are terrified.

He was seated at his desk frowning down at some book, but he got to his feet when I walked in.

"Hello Buffy, tea perhaps?"

I wanted to encourage him to have some whiskey, lots and lots of whiskey, but no it was clearly "tea time" and I was screwed.

He put his arm loosely around my shoulders, giving me an affectionate little squeeze as he steered me over to the couch. I felt like I was being led to the gallows, and I didn't want to go.

"Buffy, tea?"

"What? Oh sure."

"I've also some of those cookies you like."

"Really?"

"Yes, Andrew found them yesterday at some quaint little…"

As a last meal it wasn't the greatest, but I really did love those cookies.

While he busied himself with preparing the tea, I thought I should maybe get the ball rolling…. "Get the ball rolling"…What exactly does that mean? Of course I know it means to get something started, but why a ball? You could use anything, "Let's get the stone throwing" or "Let's get the stake staking"…Okay, maybe those aren't so great, but I'm sure there are lots of…

"Buffy!"

"What?! Oh sorry, Giles."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's good."

He handed me my tea and stared at me like I had some big gay secret.

"You seem a tad preoccupied."

"Me? No, I'm just regular occupied…So how's it going?"

"The research? Not well, I'm afraid. I've read the blasted text twenty times, and I've still yet to find anything that could be considered truly useful."

"Don't worry, you'll figure it out. You are Giles, you know."

"Yes well, at least it's an easy read. Marlak is not all that difficult, and the author is considered the Shakespeare of his kind."

He offered me some cookies and I took four. They're small.

"And that's a good thing?"

"Buffy, surely you've learnt to appreciate Shakespeare by now?"

"Well, I used to be able to sometimes appreciate his Cliff Notes."

"While I understand that the somewhat archaic language can be a tad daunting, surely a young woman as bright as yourself…"

"Maybe I should start with the Marlak first.

"You are much more intelligent than you give yourself credit for."

"And that's why I'm not reading Shakespeare, I'm too smart for him."

He finished making his own tea, and like always, it was a major production.

"Yes well, everyone should experience the pleasures The Bard has to…"

"Now you're recommending someone else? Giles, I so don't have time to read everybody who's ever written…"

"Joke all you like, but we both know if you put your mind to it, you could breeze through his completed works with no trouble whatsoever."

I snagged three more cookies and sat back.

"I did breeze through them, at least I think I did. It's hard to say since I might have been sleeping at the time."

Giles took a sip of his tea looking all irritated, but he wasn't. I knew him well enough to know that he was amused, he thinks I'm cute and funny…most of the time.

"So, Willow has informed me of your desire."

I sloshed my tea into my saucer, just managing to prevent it from spilling over onto the carpet. Yea me. Unfortunately the blouse I was wearing didn't share the carpet's good fortune. Dawnie was not going to be pleased.

"…She did?"

"Of course. I believe it's necessary for me to know."

"So you know?"

"Buffy, I do sign the checks after all."

He meant my desire to go away, not my desire to do things to Faith that would…

"Buffy?"

"Yes you do sign the checks, you absolutely do sign the checks."

"Are you quite all right?"

"I'm fine."

"Yes, so I see. This sudden desire to go on holidays, I'm not certain I fully understand. Is it Faith's idea?"

"No, she doesn't know about it yet."

"She doesn't? Well Buffy as lovely as the idea may be, I doubt very much that she would wish to go. She's at a very crucial stage in her training of the newest Slayers and…"

"That's why we need to tell her this is a very important mission."

He was completely puzzled, but he was trying to stay with me. He offered me another cookie, and when I declined, he looked even more confused.

"Am I understanding this correctly? You want me to lie to Faith, telling her she is departing on a vital mission with you, when in fact you are merely taking some time off?"

"Right."

"And the reason for this deception?"

"It's the only way I can be positive that she'll go."

"Buffy, while I am somewhat admiring of your rather circular reasoning, I must tell you that your motives are still not at all clear."

"I want Faith to come away with me."

"Yes, I've gathered as much. And I agree that telling her she is needed will be most effective in securing her cooperation. My confusion lies in my failure to see just why it's so urgent that the two of you go anywhere. Perhaps you would care to explain that to me?"

"…"

"Buffy, what's this all about?"

I sat there all nervous, but then I summoned up the courage to look at him. He was just sitting there waiting patiently for an answer, and as I studied his face that was so dear to me, I knew I could tell him. He was Giles, he would understand.

Maybe he wouldn't like the idea of Faith and I together, but it wouldn't be because of the gay thing. Giles didn't think like that. If he had any objection it would be because of who we were, Ms. Oil and Ms. Water. Combine us together and somehow we become fireworks, dangerous and potentially deadly fireworks.

He might worry that I was going to get hurt, but I knew that he wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. He has my best interests at heart, he always has, even when he was under the influence of The Hellmouth. And then of course, my thoughts went drifting off to Spike.

Giles plotting with Principal Wood to kill Spike, I thought I would never be able to get over that. Out of everything that happened, that was the thing that hurt me the very most. I couldn't believe it when I found out, and I have never felt so betrayed, not even when I had to leave my own house.

That was like a gang mentality, but Giles trying to have Spike killed? That was one on one, and it shook me right to my soul. I just couldn't understand it, and I couldn't accept it. Giles had done it, my Giles, and after that, nothing ever made sense to me again.

We talked about it a lot, we had to. They say to get over something, you have to go through it, so we went full steam ahead. It was hard and it wasn't very pleasant, but we had to do it if we were going to make it.

Giles believes The Hellmouth was exerting some major influence over him and everyone else. His theory makes total sense, and I think it's true. When I look back on it calmly, it's clear to me that we were all like different people. We were acting crazy, and it was like the worst in all of us just came out and took over.

Of course I'm leaving out one crucial detail in Giles' theory…The Hellmouth didn't really affect supernatural beings, not like that anyway. That means vampires were immune to its influence, and so were Slayers.

Great, that means I have no excuse for being such a jerk. I was just Buffy all day, every day, and I wasn't exactly the poster child for how to handle yourself in a crisis. Sure I was reacting to everyone else's craziness, but I had plenty of my own going on too.

But hey, we're not dwelling on that part of it. Let's just say we were all kind of possessed by something, and real and personal demons can pretty much cause the same end result. The important thing is that we made it past all of that to get to where we should be, and no one cares about the past anymore. In the end, it was just another fun time for the good guys. I'm positive there will be plenty more before it's over.

So as I sat there looking at the patient and slightly puzzled face of the man who had become my father, I knew I could tell him. He was Giles, my Watcher, my friend, my rock, and he loved me. He always has and he always will.

"Giles, I have something I need to tell you."

"I've rather deduced that fact already."

"It's big."

"I see...One moment please, while I attempt to brace myself."

I laughed because he was being funny in a "Giles" kind of way. His face was completely serious, but his eyes were amused and kind of twinkly.

"Giles…"

"Right, sorry. I'm listening."

"Okay, no one else knows about this except Will…I think she knew before I did… Anyway, I don't want anyone else knowing, not right now."

"I shan't say a word to anyone."

"I know that. Alright, here goes…Giles…I love Faith."

"As do we all. She is quite extraordinary, and I am still amazed at how she has managed to turn herself around. It's nothing short of…"

"Yes, but no. I mean, I'm `in' love with her."

"You're…Oh…Oh!"

Off went his glasses as his handkerchief came out, and in a matter of seconds he was cleaning like there was no tomorrow.

"Giles?"

"Yes?"

"I was hoping you'd have something to say?"

"To say? Yes, of course I do…have something to say."

He stood up, looked around, then quickly sat back down as if he didn't know why he'd gotten up in the first place.

"And will you being saying it any time soon?"

"What? Oh, I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm afraid I'm not handling this very well, am I?"

"Well it is kind of a shock, so I think you're doing okay."

"That's just it though, it's really not that shocking."

"It's not?"

"No."

" `Cause it sure seems like you're a little shocked."

"Oh, I am."

My head was spinning.

"Okay…Hey, will you be making even a little sense any time soon?"

"It's just…Well I've always thought I detected some, shall we say `tension' between the two of you? It was there right from the start, and I guess I'm not all that surprised to learn that you do indeed, have feelings for her."

"So what's with the shockiness if you're not shocked?"

"Well it's still a surprise, especially that you're acknowledging it. I wasn't at all sure you ever would."

"Oh…Me either."

He put his glasses back on and took my hand in his:

"Buffy, you are without a doubt the best Slayer in recorded history. Everything you've ever done, you've done whilst following your heart. It's always turned out to be exactly the right thing, that's been proven time and time again. If your heart is telling you Faith is the one you need, you must follow its lead."

"That's definitely what it's saying alright, loud and clear."

"Then you must go after her. You have my complete support, as well as my love and respect…And all things considered, I infinitely prefer Faith to Kennedy so that's something, yes?"

"Giles!"

"What Willow sees in her, I shall never fully comprehend. But she does seem to make her happy, so who are we to judge? At least out loud."

He reached for his tea, and this time when he offered me a cookie, I took it, two of them.

"But Faith? Well Faith is wonderful, a simply marvelous young woman. I've grown quite fond of her, and I think the two of you would be perfect together. Now, what is it that you need me to do?"

And just like that, it was all taken care of. Giles let me pick the place, and I never even saw him flinch when he learned just how much it was going to cost. He also did his part on the acting front, laying it on thick for Faith's benefit.

At first she put up a bit of a fight, listing out all of the things she was right in the middle of, and I didn't say a word as I sat next to her. This was Giles' mission to carry out, and I had to trust that he was up to the challenge. Of course, he was.

"Faith, while I understand your concerns, I truly believe this assignment requires both Buffy and yourself if we're to make a success of it. I would not ask if I didn't believe it to be absolutely imperative."

He was good, and she hopped right on board without another word of protest.

So I had her, right where I wanted her. We left the next day, and the first night we were in paradise? We added two kids and their parents to all my perfectly planned aloneness. How's that for a big fun surprise?

But that's all fixed now, we're back to just a potentially happy couple. It's just me and her, no more interruptions or distractions or waiting. All that's left is for me to make her mine, and I am positive I can make that happen in a very timely fashion.

I was after it all, the whole thing, the "until death do us part" part. I knew I could never be happy with anything else from her, I knew I could never settle, not when it came to Faith. It had to be the big commitment or it was nothing, and nothing was not an option for me. Nope, not even considering "nothing".

Not many people would have the nerve to demand monogamy from Faith, as far as I know, no one ever has. Of course I don't know that much about her relationship history, and I don't want to. Although it would be nice to know if she's ever been with another woman.

If I had to bet, I'd bet that she has. The girl attracts would-be partners like a Hellmouth attracts demons, and I don't delude myself for an instant that she hasn't taken plenty of them up on their offer. Throw in her reaction whenever women do hit on her, well I think it's fairly obvious she knows her way around.

She's talked to me about some of the guys she's been with, but she's never once mentioned any girls. I think that's because she thinks I'm straight, didn't we all, and she doesn't want to freak me out. She can be sweet like that.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that not too many people would ever think to ask her to be a one person woman, they wouldn't even suspect she was capable of it. I believed she was, and the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that she was already giving it to me. She'd been doing it…or not doing it, for a very long time now.

Willow's comments had started me thinking, and I was now noticing a lot of stuff that had been right in front of my face forever. For example, I seriously could not remember the last time she'd brought someone home. She never bragged about her conquests anymore, never said she was heading out to get her itch scratched.

She almost never went out without someone from our group, and she never accepted any of the five million invitations she received whenever we went to a club. She just turned them all down, usually politely, well what passed for "politely" when it came to Faith.

A few people got shoved, maybe a few of the more insistent ones got punched, but over all it was pretty gentle and calm. She would just smile and thank them, then decline. It was all very normal and civilized…and nothing like the Faith of old.

She was a different person now in some ways. The wildness, the sexiness, the quick temper, the danger, all of it was still alive and well. It was just that now it was all tempered by a maturity and a sense of responsibility.

Faith always seemed to be there whenever any of us needed her, whether it was a helping hand or just a shoulder to cry on. She was rock solid when it came to slaying or Council business, and all of us valued her opinion. She had grown up, and she had grown up well.

But there was always something else I could never identify, until now. It was a sadness that hovered all around her, a sadness that never really left her no matter what she was doing. It was just a part of her, and although she hid it very well, I saw it now every single time I looked at her.

I'd thought I was at my dumbest when I confessed my love to an empty room, but when compared to this? Well I was a regular Einstein back then. I've heard people talk about gaydar, but I don't seem to have that. It seems what I do have now is "Faithdar".

It's like the second I opened myself up to my own feelings, I could suddenly see hers. She wants me, she's always wanted me. She thinks she can never have me, but it doesn't change a thing for her. She still wants me.

It's all a mind blower, it really is, but things change and I can change with them. So I've always been exclusively about the boys? Now I'm exclusively about all things Faith. Different for sure, but I'm just fine with the change. In fact, I think it'd be accurate to say I'm crazy fine with it.

I'm not a hundred percent sure that she loves me like I love her, but I am sure that she wants me, and I'm pretty sure she loves me. It all adds up to something pretty add up worthy, and it all fits. It fits just perfectly.

I can't really do anything except go after her. I want her, I need her, and I have to trust what my instincts are telling me. It's not like love just comes into your life all the time, especially not love like this.

I've been in love before, twice, and I've had sex with six men. Not exactly a number that shouts out "loose girl', but somehow the men I've slept with make me seem a little more adventurous than I really am. Besides, it's not the quantity, it's the quality…and I've had some quality.

My first was Angel. My first everything. My first love, my first sex, my first heartbreak, my first experience with the truth that my Slayer duty has to come before everything else. Not a reality anyone would want to face, but one I learned to accept a long time ago.

Angel taught me so many things, but most of all he taught me what it means to be in love. To feel that burning, that desire that runs through everything you do, everything you are. He was my teacher, my lover, my friend, and for a long time he was my heart. He gave me so much, and I carry it all with me. I always will.

No girl could ask for a better first time. He was a big strong handsome man who knew what he was doing, and he was so gentle and loving. Even though first times are supposed to be painful and awkward, mine was anything but. It was wonderful, filled with everything I'd ever dreamed of and more.

Of course the whole losing his soul thing, that was more than I'd ever dreamed of too. It definitely wasn't the ending any girl wants, and I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen between us. I guess he also taught me that there's always the chance of something worse waiting for you somewhere down the line.

I had to send him to Hell, and when I ran that sword through him, I knew then that there were things in this world no one should ever have to do. I guess no one else really does except the Slayer, and it was just my bad luck that I was her. And blah, blah, blah with a huge helping of heartbreak and despair.

It still didn't stop the love we felt, and I thought back then that we were soul mates. Maybe we were. All I know for sure is that the three times I had with him that night…Hey, put a virgin Slayer together with a celibate vampire, mix in all that love and supernatural stamina, well no way was once going to be enough.

Then came Parker…yes "he" did. Catty I know, but what else can I be? He was okay, not the most generous of lovers, but I didn't know anything back then. I could only compare him to Angel, and at that time anybody would have come up short. And boy did Parker ever come up short, in every possible way. Ooh, Buffy's riding the "Catty Train".

Next up was Riley, and I have nothing but good thoughts when it comes to him. Sure it ended badly, we never should have been together. All I wanted was a nice "average" guy, and I mistakenly thought that was him.

Turns out he was anything but, and realistically that should have been even better for me. But it wasn't, not in any way. Then when he truly became what I thought I'd wanted all along, he couldn't hold my interest. The poor man just couldn't win.

I don't think I can be with a regular human being, I need more than that for some reason. Well I guess it's not really that big of a mystery, it's not like I'm a regular human being either. I know now that I need something else, something more, something different.

It wasn't Riley's fault, he loved me, I know he did. I wanted to love him back, but I just couldn't. I tried, I tried so hard, but you can't make yourself feel what you don't. It doesn't matter how much you want to, how hard you try. It just doesn't work that way.

He was a good lover, my very first to not go all evil after we'd done the deed. That was a huge positive right there, and if he'd asked me on the morning after, I probably would have agreed to marry him on the spot. Never underestimate the gratitude of a relieved woman.

He was attentive, loving, gentle, and all mine. He'd have sex whenever I wanted to, or he'd be satisfied with just cuddling if that was all I was interested in. He'd do whatever I asked him to do, whenever I asked him to do it, and what girl could complain about that?

Turns out I could. He wasn't exactly boring, just less than what I needed. There was no darkness in him, no wildness, not even a tiny part of him that scared me just a little bit. There was nothing about him that seemed strong enough for me to lean on, and I could never really let go with him.

He didn't challenge me, he didn't stimulate me, and he sure as hell never made me feel like we were on equal footing. He knew it before I did, and he tried his best to be what I needed, what I wanted, but it just didn't fit him. All it did was annoy and then disgust me, and it almost destroyed him in the bargain.

We never should have been together. I didn't really want "Joe Normal" and he really couldn't handle "Super Girl". Maybe if we'd met as just "Buffy and Riley", we could have been raising a family by now. But that's not who were, it's not who I'm ever going to be, and it stopped us from having a real chance at making a go of it.

Still, I wish him nothing but happiness. We exchange Christmas cards every year to stay in touch, and he has a little daughter now. She looks just like him, completely sweet and adorable.

It's great that it all worked out for him. He's a good man, kind, thoughtful, reliable, and a wonderful husband and father. He deserves all the good things he can find, and I don't regret one moment I spent with him.

And now it's time for the, "The Slayer Goes Wild" part of the story. Spike…what else is there to say? How to explain a man who was what he was, nothing less and everything more?

He was the best lover I have ever had, no one else even comes close. He was tender and rough, good and bad, kind and mean. He turned me on, and even though I tried like hell, I could never turn off. He opened up a part of me I never imagined I had, and he fit inside it perfectly.

He was an evil monster, but he was also a good man fighting to gain control of himself. For a long time he swung back and forth between the two, and it was beyond confusing for us both. As hard as I tried, I just couldn't resist him, and I could not stop wanting him either. Which him? I never could decide.

It doesn't make any sense, but somehow he managed to hang onto some scrap of his humanity, and when the right trigger came along, it was like a switch had been thrown. He began fighting his demon, and he fought it every step of the way until finally he beat it.

He became a man again, a man who had so much love and goodness inside of him that it burst out in a blaze of glory that saved the world. He was amazing, the most amazing person I have ever known…And oh my God, he was so sexy.

I could leave it there, could get by with saying that we loved each other, but that's cheating. The real truth of it is, I screwed Spike in any and every way possible. Literally, figuratively, you name it, I did it.

I did things to him I didn't even know I was capable of, and he did them right back. I didn't care that he was evil, he had what I wanted. I craved him and the way he made me feel, and I just couldn't deny myself, not back then.

I was lost, and he took advantage of me. He loved me, and I took advantage of him. It was ugly, nasty, and mean, and I have never felt anything quite as hot. As a lover, he was different every time. Always creative, inspired, and so perverted in all the right ways.

All I wanted was to feel something, anything, and I can honestly say there was never a time when I was with him, that I didn't feel everything. Every touch, every burst of pleasure, every twinge of pain, I felt it all right down to my soul. I felt him like no one I've ever known.

And no matter how desperately I tried to pretend I didn't, I could always feel the love he had for me. It was just there, threading its way through his every touch, his every deed, and I saw it whenever I let my eyes meet his. He loved me, probably more than anyone else ever has.

The problem was that his demon kept trying its best to take him back. It never let me forget that he was a soulless and evil murderer…and yet still I wanted him. I'd fallen for him, all of him and I could not understand how that was possible. I was ashamed that I wanted him so much, that I couldn't control how I felt, so I spent a lot of time trying to deny what was true between us.

At first it seemed as if the rape attempt would make it easy for me to get rid of him. Sure we'd always played rough together, forcing each other to do all kinds of things, but this time he'd really crossed the line. Yet deep down, I knew it wasn't William who had done it, it wasn't Spike either. It was his demon, the thing that was trying to destroy him, and I couldn't pretend I didn't know that.

He couldn't either, and so he ran off to get his soul restored. He wanted to become a better man for me, the kind of man who could never do such a horrible thing. He beat his demon because he loved me, and even now I wonder how anyone could ever be that strong…It just doesn't seem possible.

It almost drove him insane, and with The First right there to egg him on, well it sure didn't look good. But Spike was way too stubborn to ever back down, he could never be broken or controlled for very long. He hung on, and The First never stood a chance.

He was a hero, my hero, and I loved him. There's nothing to be done about it now, but I know he went to his death again still assuming I didn't. He was wrong, as he so often was. I loved him deeply, madly, and in every possible way. I always will.

That leads right to The Immortal. We just "randomly" ran into each other, and they don't make them like that anymore. Or maybe they do, how would I know? He put me under some kind of spell…I think…possibly Okay, at least I hope he did.

I'm not really too clear about it, it all seems fuzzy and not quite real. What I am clear on is that he turned out to be evil, I figured it out, and now he's best referred to as "The Mortal". He's also dead, and I guess immortality's not all it's cracked up to be.

There's probably a lesson in there somewhere, something about never screwing around with a Slayer. Eventually she'll catch on, and when she does? One of you is not long for this world, no matter how damn rich and handsome you are.

My final partner was an Italian man. I don't have the first idea what his name was or even what he looked like beyond the vaguest impression. It was twelve days after I got the news about Angel and Spike, I was drunk, he hit on me, and I ended up…I'd say I fucked him, but I don't talk like that. It was huge mistake of course, one of my biggest ever, and it didn't make anything any better. It just made me miss them more.

So that's it. A college slimeball, a boy from Iowa who tried to be what I wanted, an immortal seducer, a drunken mistake, and two vampires, souled and soulless. Not the longest of lists, and not all relationships to be proud of.

They did all have something in common though…they were all men. No doubt about it, through and through they were manly men who did manly things with all manly parts and manly ideas…well except for Parker. Meow.

I was all about the men, I've always been all about the men, but now I want to add someone new to the roster. Aside from the obvious difference, there are plenty of similarities, so many it's almost funny. I guess you could say I fall for the same type over and over.

She's tried to kill me before…check. Been there, done that. She's been evil, haven't they all? She's got supernatural strength, one of the big requirements when it comes to me. She's scary, dangerous, passionate, dark, and wild. Yep, bells are definitely ringing.

She's tortured by her past, still on a quest to redeem herself. Heck, give her half a chance and I bet she'd even help the helpless. She's someone I met through my work, and she's so sexy it just oozes out of her. I see the pattern, I think even a blind person could spot it.

And her looks? She is incredibly beautiful. I'd say she's actually indescribably beautiful. Sure I'm a pretty girl too, I'm being honest now, not modest. I've been pretty all of my life, and I know it.

Guys have been after me since I was old enough to attract them, and that's just a fact. I can be really good looking sometimes, especially in the right light, as long as the stress doesn't make me too skinny and the weird tip of my nose doesn't…

I'm just saying I'm considered attractive. I still get hit on all the time, Justin being just the latest, and my understanding is that I'm kind of hot. I'm a perky L.A. cheerleader type, and a lot of men seem to be into that.

But Faith? Uh, Faith makes me look like everybody else. I go from hot and pretty to "nothing to see here folks" in a split second. If I tried to compete, I'd just get shoved aside so the world could get an unobstructed view of the sexiest woman on the planet.

Do I blame them? Not a bit. I could look at Faith all day long and never get tired of the view. She's like a work of art, and the longer you stare at her, the more gorgeous she is. It's like her beauty is revealed layer by layer, and apparently there's no bottom in sight.

I've seen her in all kinds of situations, two days without a shower, sleeping so soundly she's drooling with actual drool, covered in blood and guts, even insane and homicidal. Never does she look anything but stunning. How stunning? Well, she did turn me gay.

But as amazingly beautiful as she is, I've fallen in love with her for way more than that. Her looks were always there, but what hooked me is just her. Her mind, her heart, her soul.

I love the way she thinks, the way she talks, the smoky sound of her voice, the throaty laugh she lets loose with. I love her courage, her loyalty, and the kindness she still always tries to hide. I love how gentle she can be, and I love how brutal and rough she is.

She's Angel and Spike all rolled into one, and she makes me just as crazy as they did combined. I can't get enough of her, and I'm pretty sure one lifetime together isn't going to satisfy my desire. I don't think anything can.

I love her bad temper, even when it's directed at me, and I love when she gets all scary. I love when she teases me, the way it makes her eyes sparkle and her dimples stay all dimpled. I love when she just goes off, ranting about "whatever" with so much passion, it makes me want her more than I can stand.

When we patrol or just hang out together, I love when she flirts and talks dirty, making me blush for a whole bunch of reasons. I love what she wears, how her clothes cling and flow around her. I love watching her slay, seeing the wildness still there even though she does her best to keep it in check.

I love the way she walks, her body in perfect harmony with her surroundings and herself. I love what her voice does to me every single time I hear it, the feeling of heat as the chills roll down my spine. Nothing has ever felt like that, nothing.

She's it, I know that now. I think she probably always was, but I couldn't see things clearly before. Angel came back shortly after she first appeared on the scene, and I was understandably all wrapped up in him.

Still she had me all hot and bothered right from the start, "What is it, the `Angel' thing?" Said so casually, so dismissively, I wanted to kill her where she stood. And yet there was this other feeling too, the feeling that I had met my match on every level.

I was way too young and inexperienced to understand what it meant. I was so depressed about Angel, I couldn't feel anything…until she came around. She made my mind and body feel lighter, and I felt alive whenever she was near. She made me feel like myself for the first time, and that scared me.

Well I'm not young anymore, and I sure as hell am not inexperienced either. I know what's what now, and what's what is Faith. I believe every single step I've taken has led me right to her, right where I'm supposed to be. As girly as that is, I believe it's true.

I love her, and I've got no problem admitting that. It's a little weird I suppose because of the whole straight thing before, but it's no different than the rest of my life. When I compare it to everything else that's gone on…

I'm The Slayer. I've died twice, and I've saved the world too many times to count. My sister's a key, my best friend's a witch, the previous loves of my life were vampires, and my former town collapsed on top of a Hellmouth. Becoming gay all of the sudden? Not even a blip on my radar…gaydar…Faithdar.

I'm old enough and I've seen enough to know that you have to take what you're given. Well I've been given Faith, and there's no one on the planet that can prevent me from taking her. I've finally woken up, and no way am I ever going back to sleep.

I want some happiness. I want to be a normal woman in love with the person who's just right for me. But most of all? I want Faith, every square inch of her, inside and out.

It's all right here, right in front of my face, and I am not turning away from it again. She's it, she's the one. There's no doubt about it. She's what I want, she's what I need, and I've got six days and nights to make her see that too.

Destiny, fate, anybody can call it whatever they want to. Me? I'm calling it lucky. I've had chance after chance with her, and we've screwed it up each and every time. But she's still here, still waiting to be claimed as mine, and I'm all done fooling around.

I mean business now, and I am going to get what I want. I won't accept anything else, I can't accept anything else. Before we leave here, Faith…whatever the hell her last name is, is going to be my girl. Call it Official Slayer Business.

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