by Sapphire Smoke
Summary: 1st in the "Immortal Infatuation" series. Faith failed at preventing the apocalypse and failed saving everyone she ever cared about. Dead or alive, there's only one person Faith will let help her ease the pain... or be the one to inflict more.
A/N: I know everyone and their mother has done vampire!Buffy/Faith, but hell, this is my turn lol. I know I left this wide open for a sequel and I'm thinking about taking it. So we'll see.
"Faithy? Faithy, wake up! Come on; don't poop out on me, damnit! I wasn't done."
Her echoed words sound so much like mine that they make me want to vomit.
She's slapping my cheek gently at first, then harder as she tries to rouse me. But I don't want to wake up, don't wanna come back to the fuckin' world that's gone and ripped apart right in front of my eyes. I don't want to wake up and see where I am. I don't fuckin' wanna wake up and remember that I'm the one who put me here in the first place; that I'm the one that actually wants to be here. I'd like to pretend, even for a second, that I'm not that screwed up. But the impatient woman on top of me is having none of that.
"Faithy…" she purrs. She knows I'm awake. I can feel her lips on my throat; threatening me. She feels so cold; so distant. She is. Her tongue drags across one of my wounds tenderly, then up to my ear as she whispers throatily, "Open your eyes for Mommy."
Okay, that's a sick fuckin' visual.
"You're not my fuckin' mother," I croak out, my voice being hoarse from screaming. I finally open my eyes reluctantly, seeing Buffy in all her glory on top of me, her eyes dark with her primal urges. She smirks, squirming a bit on my bare stomach, making me feel her juices spread all over my skin. I try not to react because it's not her turn yet, but it just makes her more amused.
She pouts, "You're not going to have one of those days again, are you? You know I don't like it when you aren't a good girl for me, F." She grins wickedly; tauntingly. The sick part is that she knows I'll always be a good girl for her. The really fuckin' twisted part is that she knows I need her to do all of this to me day after day, night after night, week after week.
I'm her willing slave, in any matter of the word.
"Always a good girl for you, B," I say, my voice still coming out scratchy. She smiles, almost a genuine smile. It makes her happy; I know that much. It makes her happy to know that I need her, even like this.
She runs her hands over my chest slowly, keeping eye contact with me the entire time. I see the flash in her eyes; the only warning I get before her nails curl and she scratches deep into my skin, making me cry out at the streak of pain. She chuckles. "You know why I think I'm like your mother, Faithy?" I don't answer, but I don't think she actually expects me to. She brings her fingers up to her lips, licking the faint hint of my blood off of her nails before saying, "I was the first Slayer, right? The little 'Golden Girl' as you so diligently liked to remind me." She hums a little, happily as she cleans her fingers before she goes on, "But the Slayer essence is only supposed to be in one person. So when I died, it was almost like a gave birth to you."
"So you're like a child molester then," I say, coughing a little at the dryness of my throat, trying to be funny. She doesn't find it funny. Her hand is on my throat so quickly all I can do is gasp for air. There's not much I can do about it; my hands are chained. My body's too weak to put up much of a fight anymore anyway.
I'm hers and she knows it. But she won't kill me; I know that much. No, she's saving me for something special… but she needs my permission which I have yet to grant. She bides her time though; waiting, playing. She knows I'll let her eventually, but not until I say.
She doesn't have to listen to me of course. I'm the one fuckin' chained up right now and barely alive most days. But for some reason it's important to her that I give her the okay.
B snarls at me, her upper lip curling as she looks down at me, pressing her thumb against my windpipe hard. "Don't call me that," she hisses, pressing down a little harder before she lets go completely. I suck in big gulps of air, my head feeling light. She sighs a little, a clear sign she's gotten bored quickly. She lies on top of me, her head in the crook of my neck. "Aren't you tired of this yet?"
"No," I gasp out, still trying to breathe right. I don't know when I'll ever be tired of it. Maybe when I finally feel like I've gotten when I deserved.
I don't have to look at her to know she's rolling her eyes at me. She sighs and her hair tickles my shoulder. "Well I'm bored," she says finally.
"Feel free to leave, Princess," I tell her, knowing full well that she won't. She never does. She never will. I've got her wrapped up in this sick game of mine. She's as much mine as I am hers.
"Well I can't do that," she says, like she's explaining something to a five year old. "If I do that than some other vampire will come play with you and that's simply unacceptable."
I try not to remember how we got here, but it's hard. Every day it eats at my soul and I wish I could reverse time. Go back to a couple months ago when there was sun, where there was warmth and there was Buffy… real Buffy. Not… not whatever's on top of me right now. She's B, I can see that it's her, but I can't feel her anymore. Soulless and deceased; sucked dry of most of her humanity. I say most because I still see it sometimes. I see it when she protects me from everything else out there right now that's running rampant through the streets. The darkness and the monsters. I see it when she comes, crying out my name. Sometimes I see it when she's torturing me… when she stops right before she knows she's going to cause too much pain. It's there, flickers… but it's there.
It makes it so much fuckin' worse sometimes.
The darkness spread from LA to the rest of the world quickly once I couldn't stop it; once I couldn't stop the Beast. Angelus tried for his own selfish means but was staked so easily by it I felt like it had to be a dream. No Angelus… no Angel. Nothing, just dust in the wind. Connor ran off; fuck knows where he is now. Wes died trying to get me out of the Beasts lair. I was wounded and he told me to run as he took on about fifteen vampires by himself. Even now I can still hear his screams as he got ripped apart.
Red… Willow… she realized Cordelia was possessed by her mystical pregnancy; that she was the one controlling The Beast. She tried to save her, but the spell went wrong and Cordelia died along with the baby. Her baby. Whatever it was. Now I guess the Beast is its own master. Buffy tells me someone ate Fred and Gunn, but I don't know if she actually knows that or is trying to put my mind at rest about worrying about who made it out of LA alive.
Funny, huh? Vampire B tryin' to put my mind at rest. But she does. It's fuckin' weird and I can't explain it but even through the torture she takes care of me.
Buffy won't tell me how she died; who killed her, changed her. No one really knows. I ran to Sunnydale after shit went south in LA, trying to get backup, but the darkness had spread there too and it was an all you can eat buffet in that town. I was weak but I fought my way through, just tryin' to reach them. Tryin' to reach B. Fuck, it's what I've been tryin' to do my whole life.
I searched even though I felt her die. Again. I told myself it was a trick and that she was still alive somewhere. I was such an idiot.
The first fuckin' thing I saw in that town that I recognized was Dawn… as a vampire. I screamed in fury, cried like a damn baby as she taunted me, told me about how Willow's died trying to protect Buffy but that it was useless. The vamps and demons ran that town. It was only two days that the sun went out there and already it was like the Hellmouth opened up and swallowed everyone whole. It was like an army came at them from all sides and they didn't stand a chance against them, there was too many.
Dawn bragged about how she had Xander tied up somewhere, torturing him just for the fun of it. Dawn… the little girl I used to call Squirt was… fuck, a monster. It made me sick. We fought and I staked her; it wasn't a hard fight but it took so much out of me. Emotionally, mentally. I was damn near destroyed.
I searched for Xander and Giles, who I still hadn't heard anything about. I didn't know what happened to B but I knew she was either dead or worse; I didn't want to think about it. Found Xander's body a day later; he looked like he had been fed on by at least ten vampires.
I still don't know where Giles is. I don't know if he's alive. I just left; ran. I couldn't deal. It was all my fuckin' fault. I should have been able to stop The Beast. If I did maybe this would have all turned out differently.
I don't know where I ended up. Hell, I don't even know where I am now. Some house. Always wanted to play house with B, but I gotta say this wasn't one exactly of my fantasies.
Buffy found me about a week later. I had given up. Not very Slayer-like, I know, but what the hell did I have to fight for anymore? Everyone I ever cared about was dead. There was no way I could stop this apocalypse on my own so fuck it, right? I had gone pretty fuckin' insane from the guilt and the pain though. When B found me she came into the house I was crashin' at, she found me with a gun in my hand. I was just about to fuckin' end it, about to be the pussy who takes her own life cause she can't deal. I don't know whether B knew, if she could feel it, but her timing was out of a freaking movie or something. I had it to my temple and was praying the next Slayer could fix this mess when she came in, but the shock of seeing her standing there making me drop the gun.
At first I thought she was an angel; sent by the Powers or somethin' to make me stop being such a weak idiot. But there was nothing heavenly about her. She came up to me; almost stalking me. I couldn't move; I was frozen as I just stared at her. She straddled my lap and took my face in her hands and she kissed me hard on the mouth with so much passion behind it. I knew I had to be dreaming until I felt her bite my lip, drawing blood and then sucking it from the wound. She was moaning like it was the best tasting shit in the world and when she looked up at me she wasn't Buffy anymore. I swear my heart stopped when I looked at her all vamped out on top of me. It was such a fuckin' nightmare. The whole world was a nightmare though.
She wiped off the last bit of blood on my lip and sucked it off of her thumb before smiling at me in her wicked way. "Now, now, Faithy," she scolded me. "If you're going to die, it's not going to be like that."
B had other plans for me.
She pushed me down on the floor and I went without a fight. I didn't have any fight left in me anymore. She straddled my waist and held my wrists above my head as she leaned seductively against me before changing back to her normal face. Her Buffy face. It almost made me cry, but I think my tears dried up a long time ago. "Did you miss me?" she asked, though it wasn't taunting.
"Yeah," I said. It was all I could say. I did miss her; though I knew what was on top of me wasn't really her.
She smiled. "I missed you too." It sounded sincere enough to shock me, and she could tell. Her grip tightened on my wrists like she was afraid that I was going to get up, but I wasn't. I could never. There wasn't a point to. "You know what I really missed?" she asked. I just stared at her cause I didn't have a fuckin' clue. "I miss us being together, F. I miss the fun we had."
I laughed cause fuck, you just had to laugh at that right?
"Yeah, B. Sure was a blast hatin' and tryin' to kill each other. We should do it again sometime."
Buffy smirked a little at my answer, but then told me seriously. "I never hated you. You broke my heart, moron."
I laughed again. Shit, vamp B sure was a fuckin' riot. I probably sounded crazed, but then again… I kinda was. "Man, becoming a bloodsucker musta really fucked with your head if you think you ever loved me."
B got mad then, growling as she vamped out and pressed her face close to my neck, dragging her teeth along it. "Don't make me angry, Faithy. I'm hungry and I don't want to eat you accidently." Her tongue ran up my neck to my ear and I shuddered at the feeling. For being so dead inside and for having a dead thing on top of me, her touch still made me feel a little alive. "I did love you," B told me softly in my ear. "I loved you so much I could barely breathe sometimes." She inhaled my scent deeply then said throatily, "God, I miss that. I miss you."
"Really not in the mood for mind games, B. So either bleed me dry or fuck the hell off so I can finish myself off with the gun." My voice was so distant, so lost of all emotions and feelings. I didn't care anymore.
She kissed my neck softly before whispering in my ear, "Can I taste you?"
"You can kill me."
"I'm not going to kill you," she told me. Her hand was stroking my arm; almost petting me. Coddling me. It was fuckin' weird. "And I didn't mean your blood," she said finally after a long pause. Part of me felt like I should have been surprised by that request, but the not caring about much apparently squashed that. I just told her:
"You're a vampire on top of a Slayer that's on the verge of fuckin' suicide. You know you can do whatever you want, so why bother askin'?"
Her lips came up to brush against mine and she said, with all the girly glee that Buffy used to have, "I want to be polite." She smiled a little, her tongue snaking out to taste my bottom lip. "I want you to tell me that I can have whatever I want."
"Mmm…" she moaned a little, not answering my question. She grinded on top of me for a moment, just feeling me underneath her. She looked down and then dipped her head, teasing my lips a little with her tongue before quietly demanding, "Kiss me."
Like an idiot, I kissed her. I didn't even think twice about it.
B moaned into my mouth and our tongues fought for dominance. Our hot and heavy make out session lasted at least ten minutes and by the end of it Buffy was rocking on top of me and about ready to tear my clothes off. I kissed her with everything that I had, pushing up against her with my pelvis. I don't know why; maybe because the thing looked like Buffy, even if it wasn't. Really didn't matter anyway. I'll fuck a fake before I die; second best to the real thing, right?
She broke the kiss, panting even though I know she doesn't breathe. Maybe it was for show; sound effects or something. She bent down and pressed her lips to my ear as she whispered harshly, "You still love me, don't you? Even dead you can't make yourself stop loving me." She ground her pussy against mine, the seam of our pants providing enough pleasure to make me gasp. She giggled a little, sounding almost like B for a minute. "I want to taste you, Faith. I want to possess you and make you mine. I want to fuck the hell out of you until you scream my name over and over again."
I moaned. Fuck it, you can't not moan when someone says that to you.
"Tell me you want me too, Faithy," Buffy went on, but now her voice was smaller, like she was mockingly pleading. She sounded almost like a child and it turned me on in some sick fucked up way that I sure as hell hate myself for. It was innocent; that's what it was. Innocence that she no longer had. "Tell me you're mine. Tell me I can do whatever I want to you and you'll love every second of it."
It was so fucked up, but then again, so was the rest of the world. I had nothing to live for, sure as fuck nothing to die for. So I told her. I told her she could do whatever she wanted to me. I begged her to hurt me, begged her to torture me until I couldn't stand the pain and then when it was all over to fuck me and make me come for her. And she did it all with a smile on her face, knowing full well that I was doing it as some sort of punishment to myself.
But Buffy wasn't going to let me die; she was clear on that. No dying for Faith. So if I couldn't die then I damn sure wasn't going to live happily ever after. I didn't deserve that, not when the whole world was shit because of me.
I knew why she wouldn't let me die, even before she told me. She didn't want me gone. If I was gonna die, then I had to be like her. She wanted to turn me so badly she practically begged for me to let go, but I wouldn't. The screwed up thing is that she could just do it anytime she wanted to, but she's got some weird complex about askin' my permission about shit. At first I thought it was a game, but after a couple weeks I realized it was for real. I think it may be that spark of humanity that's left in her. I think that's all that's left of her love for me.
I believe it now, even though I didn't then. Vampire B didn't lie to me; she actually spewed truth like it was some kind of sickness. I asked her if she still loved me even now and she said she doesn't know. That it feels like it but only distantly. She thinks that if I'm like her it'll all come back. Maybe it will.
But maybe it won't.
I still love her. I don't think it'll ever go away. I still love her even though she's nothing but a monster now. I love her and that's why I trust her to hurt me the way I want to be hurt. To punish me in whatever way I need her to. I can't go out without feeling like I got enough pain out of this to balance out all the lives that were lost because I failed. I know I'm crazy again, I'm not stupid. I know I slipped way past the edge. But it's not homicidal anymore, not like last time. This time I just want to destroy myself.
We have a deal, me and B. She tortures me how I like and then we fuck how she likes. Vamp B is kind of a kinky bitch too, gotta say that. Dunno if she ever was alive and somehow I doubt it. The way Buffy fucks me now… hell, half the shit we do I can't even spell.
She only feeds from me. She does it every three days or so, I guess Slayer blood makes it so she doesn't need it that often. In her mind, I'm hers in every which way. She doesn't want anyone else. She sure as fuck won't share either. Any vamps or demons that find us and try to take a piece of me she kills. I'm only hers. Forever. Dead or alive I guess.
But I think I knew that from the minute I met her.
It's been two months, maybe three. I haven't really been keeping track. B played like a good little sport but now she's lying on top of me and clearly sick of all the games. I can hear the annoyance in her voice when she asks me, "When, exactly, will you have enough?"
"Dunno," I tell her honestly. My arms are hurting from being in these chains for hours now, but I don't say anything about it. I move a little though, trying not put so much strain on my already bruised shoulder. The movement seems to make B pay more attention to the situation.
"I want to let you out," she tells me.
"It's my turn for fun, Faithy! Don't tell me no," Buffy growls, but I don't care.
"More pain," I tell her firmly. I'm not done with the pain yet. Not for today.
"You're just going to pass out again," Buffy says, like it's a chore. She used to have fun doing this. Sometimes she still does. Mostly though, lately, it just seems to annoy her.
Some vampire, huh? Gettin' bored with torture.
"Then I pass out. Fuckin' do it, B."
"I'm gonna fuck you when your passed out then," she tells me, like I actually give a fuck. I don't say anything and she punches me clean across the face, making me spit blood. Her eyes darken. "But you'd like that, wouldn't you? All passed out, not knowing what I'm doing to you. Violating you in all these sick little ways you know I can. Who knows what I'll shove up your cunt this time, huh?"
"Do whatever you want, just do what I say first," I tell her, no emotion behind my words. It's getting to her, I know it is. She wants me to care, but I just don't. I could wake up and every hole in my body could be bleeding because of how she roughly she fucked me and I wouldn't complain. We have a deal.
"No!" she screams. It actually makes my eyes widen; she's never actually refused to torture me before. She punches me again. "No, you don't make the rules, Faithy! I do!"
"Yeah?" I say with a little laugh, coughing a bit. "Since when, Blondie?"
"I get whatever I want," Buffy snarls. "Me! Not you. Fuck you and fuck your deal. You want pain? Oh I'll give you pain, you're pissing me off, but I'm taking what I want from you, and I'm gonna take it now.."
"Then I still get what I want," I say with a little scornful laugh. "You don't get it, B! You don't win. You can do whatever you want to me because I want you to. I need it. I crave for you to screw me, for you to hurt me. There ain't nothing that you can do that I won't welcome with open fuckin' arms and songs of praise, bitch."
Buffy's hands are on my throat again quickly and I choke a little as she vamps out and stares down at me with yellow eyes. "I could kill you right now, snap your neck in two," she threatens. But I don't care. She knows it too, and it frustrates her more because that's not what she wants. She lets me go with a furious scream before her mouth finds my neck again. She cradles the back of my neck as she turns it, and I already know she's going to feed before her teeth sink into my flesh.
I gasp out in pain, feeling each layer of skin snap under the pressure. I can feel her tongue on me as she sucks my blood from the wound, all of it rushing through my body quickly as she pulls it out and devours it hungrily. I gasp, moaning a little at the feeling. It was fucked, but I found it erotic when she fed from me. She takes enough out of me that I get lightheaded and my eyes close. That's when she pulls away and whispers in my ear, "I could take more, you know. Drain you just enough and then have you feed off me. Bet you wouldn't like that, would you, F?"
"…But… you won't…" I say, still woozy from the lack of blood. My eyes are still closed and her lips are still to my ear. I hear her growl. She knows I'm right.
"Fuck you," she spits out at me before sitting up.
She gets off of me and I don't know where she went until I hear a snap and pain shoots through my body, making me scream as the whip tears at the flesh of my stomach leaving an angry, bloody line behind. I whimper a little, still not opening my eyes.
"You made me cranky," B says, though clearly annoyed at herself that she's hurting me like I want. I hear her sigh a little and then a soft thud as she drops the weapon to the ground. I finally find it in myself to open my eyes and burst out laughing because she's pouting. Arms folded into herself, vamped out all to fuck but she's pouting and she looks so much like how Buffy used to when she was alive that it makes me deliriously giddy.
Yeah, really not all there upstairs anymore. But fuck it.
She narrows her eyes, almost studying me for a while as my laughter dies down. Then she changes back to her normal face and she looks like she has some bright idea. I'm not really feeling okay with her bright idea though, whatever it is. She smirks, coming back over to the bed and crawling up my body before she unlocks my restraints.
"No," I tell her, but she backhands me across the face.
"Yes," she says with a grin.
My arms drop to my sides and I moan in pain from my muscles rejecting the sudden change in position that I've been in for hours. I try to push her off of me but I'm too weak and she knows it.
And then she does something that scares the hell out of me.
B looks down at me and all I can see is love and tenderness in her eyes. She strokes my face softly, gently. She's smiling a little, but it isn't cruel or wicked. "Faith," she says, almost in a whisper. Her thumb brushes my bottom lip as she looks at me like she could never get tired of it. "I want to make love to you, baby."
"Fuck you!" I scream, trying to push her off of me, my heart beating wildly because she just acted so much like the real Buffy when she said that. She's playing me and she knows it. She knows what I don't want and she's gonna do it anyway. "No, get off of me! Fuck you!"
"Shhh, sweetie, it's okay…" she whispers, holding me down. But it's not forceful. She really doesn't have to be because of how weak I am anyway. I'm badly malnourished. B keeps trying to get me to eat but I won't do it enough. I'm beaten, bloody, bruised. I'm helpless underneath her and for the first time it actually scares me. I don't welcome this.
She can't pretend to be her. She's not her anymore!
"Get off!" I yell, but my throat is dry and hoarse and it comes out pathetic sounding. She lets one of my arms go so she can stroke my hair, my cheek, everything. I try like hell to get her off of me with one hand but I can barely move her. She doesn't even flinch, doesn't turn back into the vamp B that I know. She's pretending and it's looking far too real.
"I've loved you from the moment I met you, did you know that?" she asks me softly, caressing me like I'm something worth being gentle with. "I took one look at you and fell head over heels."
"Stop," I plead desperately, feeling the tears start to well up in my eyes. "Please don't—"
Buffy leans down and kisses me softly and I can feel the first tear roll down my cheek before I start sobbing into her mouth. I don't kiss her back, but I'm crying too much that I don't think I could even if I wanted to.
Her lips flutter gently over mine before she pulls back and looks down at me, smiling. "You're so perfect, I wish I told you that when I was alive. I love everything about you; the bad, the good, the crazy, even the little brooding repenty you. You're everything I always wanted, everything I always needed."
"B please…" I sob. I don't want to hear any of this. I can't.
"Shhh baby… it'll be okay. Don't fight it. Just let me show you how much I love you," Buffy whispers against my lips before placing butterfly kisses on my neck as her hand roams over my stomach. I flinch from the pain of her sliding over my fresh wound and she can feel my skin jump from her touch under her hand. "Sorry," she whispers. I cry harder. I don't want her to be sorry for my pain.
"Please just stop…" I beg her, even though I know it's pointless. She won't. She's got me right where she wants me now.
"This is what you want, Faith. More than anything. I know that," Buffy whispers to me, then places another gentle kiss on my neck. "More than the pain, more than the guilt and the abuse. This is what you need and you hate yourself for it because you don't think you deserve it."
She's torturing me, and it's not the kind of torture I wanted. She knows it and I know she's getting off on it. I know everything she's saying to me is true but that still doesn't hide her motives behind it. Vampire B wouldn't ever make love to me unless it was to torture me, even if a part of her still does love me. She's not capable of that much real emotion.
But she sure as fuck knows how to fake it.
"You're so beautiful…" she tells me as her lips descend down my body, over my shoulder and down to my chest. I'm still crying, I can't stop it. I haven't cried in months and now that's all it seems like I can do. "Perfect," she mumbles against my skin before she takes one of my nipples in her mouth, making me gasp softly through my tears. My body reacts to her instinctively and I arc up, but then get a hold of myself and come back down.
I won't let her do this.
B flicks her tongue across my nipple and I twitch, but keep myself relatively still otherwise. I close my eyes and lock my jaw and try like hell to not react; to not give in. But then her hand slips down, sliding between my folds and I groan instinctively. I can feel her smile around my breast.
She lifts her head and presses her lips to mine gently. "Please baby, please let me make love to you…" she pleads so softly and sounds so much like her that I can feel my resolve starting to break. She's looking at me with all this love and affection I know she can't have because of what she is, and maybe it's my mind being all fucked up and crazy but a part of me wants to believe it, even for a second. Just pretend with her… even though I know afterwards I'm going to want to kill myself for it.
She strokes my cheek softly. "Tell me you love me, Faith," she pleads. I close my eyes, feeling a tear squeeze out and roll down my cheek. "I need to hear it…"
It's all a game but I'm getting wrapped up in it fast.
"I love you Buffy…" I tell her, my voice breaking from the strain and then I sob again. Long, loud, hard. She shushes me and presses her lips to mine and this time I kiss her unrestrained. I'm crying all over her but I'm still kissing her with everything I got, tangling my fingers in her hair and pulling her closer to me. It might be a lie, but it was a beautiful one.
When we break I'm gasping for air, pressing my naked body flush against hers as I stare up into her eyes. "Pretend to be her," I tell her breathlessly.
"I am her. Me. Whatever."
"No, you're not," I say, my bottom lip trembling a bit. I touch her face, outlining it with my trembling fingers. "But you sure as fuck can pretend to be."
"What do I get out of it?" she asks, sitting up a little, but only to reposition herself over my center, pressing herself hard against me. I gasp and so does she, and my eyes fly shut and my mouth opens before I can stop it.
"You can have me forever." That makes her stop; clearly wondering if this is a trick.
"Why now?" Buffy asks hesitantly. I open my eyes and look up at her and say with all the honesty in me:
"Because I'm gonna hate myself so much afterwards that it won't matter anymore."
Buffy just stares at me and I scoff, sniffing as I wipe away my tears, anger rising up in me and threatening to consume me whole. "Nothin' matters anymore anyway, right? Everyone's fuckin' dead. The world's gone to shit. The pain isn't working; the torture doesn't make the guilt go away. I lost the woman I love and—"
"You didn't lose me, Faithy," B says, though clearly back to being her regular old vampire self. Only vampire Buffy called me Faithy.
"Fuck off!" I scream, pushing her back a little. "I did lose her! You're not her, you could never be her. You're just a shell of what she was with a monster inside. So yeah, B. I lost her. But you know what? I guess it really doesn't fuckin' matter anymore. I lost her and she lost me. You, this, whoever or whatever you are in front of me… you don't love me. You can't. There might be a tiny spark in you but it's not enough. You don't have me and I don't have you. Not like this. We can't have each other like this. Fuck, I don't even know if we should have each other at all; if either of us deserve it. But I look outside and there's nothing left, Buffy. Nothing! It's either this or I die but I don't want to go on living anymore. Fuck being a Slayer. Fuck destiny. Fuck the Powers. Fuck being me. It's all fuckin' over. The apocalypse happened and it's over."
There's a long silence between us and we just look at each other. Then Buffy gives an overdramatic sigh and says, "Wow. Way to be depressing, F. You could have at least made me turning you all epic and romantic."
"It's not," I say flatly, wiping at my tear stained cheeks.
"Well it is to me, so I'll play along with your silly game," Buffy says, waving her hand about in the air absentmindedly. "I'll pretend to be how I was when I was alive and give you all those fuzzy little feelings inside that you know are bullshit anyway… and then you're mine." She looks down at me, her eyes flashing yellow a little, but she doesn't vamp out. "Forever." The word sounds like it actually means something to her.
"Forever," I promise her softly.
Buffy squeals a little in delight and claps her hands together. "I can't wait! You're going to be so much more fun when you're dead! It'll be like old times… only we'll go on killing sprees together!"
I know I'm way past gone when that doesn't even bother me anymore. Like I said… the will to care, to give a shit… that's dead and gone. Nothing left.
"B," I say flatly and she looks at me, calming down from her little glee. "Shut up and start pretending." She smiles down at me wickedly and I raise an eyebrow at her. She sighs, and then changes her face into one of care and love that yeah, is complete bullshit, but it really doesn't matter anymore.
I try to lose myself in the illusion, but it's hard. I can hear screams outside the house, I can smell my own blood and I know Buffy can too because her pupils have been dark with hunger for awhile now. But she's fed already; she'll be okay for awhile. The darkness is never ending outside and I have no idea if it's day or night. The room is littered with weapons and toys Buffy has used to torture and pleasure me. Yeah… it's hard to pretend all of that doesn't exist. That my body isn't aching in pain and I'm barely a shell of existence myself. But I try. All I do is look up into her eyes and tell myself that she's real, if only for a second. Right now she's real, she's alive, and she's mine.
Buffy Summers: the only woman that's ever had my heart.
My hand is shaking as I caress her cheek, fooling myself into pretending that I can feel her warmth. She smiles and fuck… she's so beautiful when she smiles. I smile back, only a little, it's all I can do without crying again. "I've missed you…" I whisper, my voice catching in my throat.
"I'm here now," she tells me, wiping away the one stray tear that did fall. "Shhh baby…" she says softly, leaning in to kiss my forehead. "Shh, Faith, I'm here now…" she whispers before her lips capture mine, making me forget for a second that the world around us is dying. I sob softly, once, against her lips, but she shushes me again, telling me she loves me before claiming my mouth again.
I pretend that it's really her with every ounce of my being as her hands travel down my body and mine grasp to pull her closer. "Buffy…" I whisper between kisses, still feeling the flow of tears down my cheek. "Buffy, B… I fucked up. I fucked up so bad," I sob. "I need you… Buffy please… I need you…" I don't know if she can ever understand a word I'm saying but I know I'm losing myself in the delusion as I cry and hold onto her like she's my everything. She is my everything.
"It's okay Faith," she whispers. "It's okay, baby… it'll be okay… I'm here; I'm here with you… shhh…"
It's such a tragic fuckin' lie, but I don't care anymore. I just need her to hold me. I need to tell her how I screwed up, how I let everyone down. How I let her down. I wrap my arms around her neck and I cry into her shoulder. "It's all my fault, B… everyone's dead because of me… I couldn't… I tried… Buffy…" half the shit I say is incoherent, but she seems to understand. She wraps her arms around me and I cry harder.
"It's not your fault baby," she whispers, stroking my hair, kissing my forehead. "You did everything you could. I know you; I know you tried to save them. I know you would've… you would've saved me if you could." I start crying harder and she shushes me again, holding me tighter. "It's okay Faith, I got you. I'm never going to leave you again, I promise…"
I sniff and look up into her eyes; my vision slightly burred by my tears. She was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. "Tell me you love me…" I whisper pleadingly.
She smiles and then kisses away my tears. "I love you Faith Lehane, more than you'll ever know…"
I kiss her then and I don't hold back. I need to feel her, every part of her. I need to feel her love for me or die trying. My hands are everywhere and so are hers as she coaxes me to lie back down on the bed. She whispers words of love to me between kisses and I tell her that she means everything to me. It's so screwed up, but I realize now I don't think I could die without ever having this kind of closure; real or not.
Her head falls to my neck and she kisses me gently as her hand slides down my body, going to where I know she's been dying to touch me. I moan deep as her fingers get lost in my folds and my wetness consumes her. She gasps softly as I grab onto her back, digging my fingers in as I hold her like I'll die if I let go. I press my body up against her, thrust my hips farther into her hand and cry out her name as she starts putting pressure on my clit, making it jump and making me moan.
"I love you Buffy," I gasp out as she slides two fingers deep inside me, letting me consume her. I close my eyes and fall into her; fall under her spell.
"I know," she whispers as she starts sliding in and out of me as she grinds her pussy against my leg, making her gasp softly. Her head falls to my neck and she kisses me again, all the way up to my ear. "I know you do, baby…"
I'm probably crying again, but it doesn't matter. I can feel the heat spread through my body as she pleasures me like only she can, giving and taking at the right moments that make my head spin and the world around us blur to nothing. I pant out into the darkness of the room and keep holding on, letting the feel of her surround me.
"Oh god… oh god, Buffy…" I gasp, clenching around her fingers to draw her in deeper. She keeps whispering words of love in my ear as I draw closer to the peak, the delusion too heavy now to dismiss it. I think it's really her and part of me doesn't know what to do. But I let her keep making love to me; let her keep making me feel like I'm hers. "Fuck, oh god…"
"That's it baby… give yourself to me," Buffy whispers, speeding up the pace of her fingers as she lets her thumb go to work on my clit. My head is foggy and I cry out, my scream echoing off the walls as I feel my muscles spasm and tense before I fall over the edge, her name lingering on my lips.
I have all of about five seconds to breathe until she slides on top of me, groaning as our clits found each other. She starts rocking against me slowly, her face mere inches away from mine as she pants from the pleasure. "You'll always be mine, Faith," she tells me, moaning as she gets closer to the edge. I look into her eyes and kiss her hard, passionately. I moan against her lips and can feel her getting closer, with me not far behind.
When we break her head falls to my neck and she whispers in my ear, "Do you trust me?"
I gasp and moan as she keeps hitting all the right spots, and I breathlessly tell her, "With my life…"
"I'm… ohh, god… mmm… I'm gonna… I'm gonna take that from you, right now… are you ready?" she breathes into my ear as both of our orgasms start building rapidly. I'm scared; terrified, but I trust her to take care of me. I'll always trust her to take care of me.
"Yes," I breathe, not once hesitating. Then I feel her teeth sink into my neck and I feel like I'm drowning as I'm rising to heaven. I cry out and so does she as our orgasms wash over us. I can feel the life being drained out of me as I fall back to earth and all I can do is hold on and keep whispering her name over and over.
This is it. I'm about to die.
The fear slips away almost immediately and I'm surprised by how comforting it feels, like I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. I feel her withdraw from me but I can't see her. My eyes are closed; I'm too weak to open them. My body feels like clay; so heavy and so lifeless. But I'm alive, barely. My heart is struggling to hold on but I'll be dead any second.
And then I feel her pick me up and press me to her breast. I can smell her blood and all I know is that I need to have some. I drink from her without any question as to why I need it. It tastes so good, sliding down my throat and I moan out her name before I feel the darkness coming to claim me. She's still holding me, still whispering that she loves me as the world around me dies. As I die. "Buffy…" is the last thing that leaves me with my dying breath.
And it was the first thing I said when I was awoke to a new life.
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