Change of Heart
by Liz M
She hasn't called in three days. I haven't seen her in about two and a half weeks. I knew she was upset but she's never stayed away this long before.
I canceled our last three dates, she said she understood, that it was ok. I guess I should've known that she was hurt but I guess that maybe I was taking her for granted.
I really want to be with her.....I just....it's not that I'm ashamed, it's just....that I want my private life to be, well, private.
She'd laugh at that! She'd probably say something like, you need to get your ass out of that closet and quit hiding behind that man!
I feel like I'm losing her.
I recently discovered that I'm pregnant. She swore that it was hers but you and I both know that's not possible. It can't be.
I miss her so much, but now with the baby, I guess I'll have to let things remain the way they are.
She'll come around, I know she will. She loves me! She'll call. She will won't she?
I have to get back to bed before he notices that I'm gone. He looks so peaceful lying there. I wish I could be like him. I would be if she were lying there.
I guess I should try and rest, I know I probably won't sleep
. Another day and still no word!
I can't take it. She won't come to me, so I'll just go to her.
It's a long trip from here to L.A., I never realized it before, and she was making the trip once or twice a week.
She always calls, always! Maybe she's hurt......maybe she's on a job......maybe she doesn't love me anymore.....maybe.......
Angel has to tell me where she lives, I know the building but I don't know the apartment number. How can I not know the number?
She's not at home. Angel said she wasn't out of town. Where is she?
There's a park across the street. I'll just wait for her to come home.
It's a beautiful park. Kids are playing, the grass is green, lots of trees and benches. I'll just sit and relax while I wait.
There's a girl up ahead, she reminds me of her.......it is her! She's sitting on a blanket under a tree. I'm almost there and a woman walks over to her, she leans in and kisses her. This can't be happening. The woman looks like.....it is...and she looks like she's.....oh god, she is, pregnant!
I can't believe she's cheating on me! I have to get out of here, Now!
I pace back and forth at Angels. I'm mad at him; he took her side.
His words replay over and over in my mind. (What did you expect her to do, wait for you? You have a life; she deserves one too. Did you think she would wait all alone while you lived your life with someone else? How can you judge her when you were doing the same thing?)
He was right! How could I accuse her for doing the same thing I was?
Why wouldn't she find someone to share her life with? I wasn't letting her share mine. I want her; I want to be with her but I chose the easy way out.
What do I do? I can't live without her!
Months ago, she asked me to make a choice and I chose to be comfortable instead of happy. I was afraid. It killed me to choose another, so I went to her begging, professing my love and brought her into my life secretly.
She hasn't left me fully. I know she loves me. I'll get her back! I'll have to leave him first and then I'll get her back.
What will I tell him? What about the baby? Who am I fooling, she was pregnant too! Do you think that Faith really could.......was she telling me the truth? Is this baby hers?
She said she gave me a little piece of herself. I won't know until I look into my baby's eyes.
I got Wesley to call her for me. She'll be here soon. She will, I know she will.
It feels so good to just do nothing. I'm lying back looking at the sky and Kate is running her fingers through my hair. It doesn't get better than this!
Somewhere hidden in the tranquillity and bliss, a beeping sound emerges.
"Damn! It's work. I'll have to see if there's a problem or something."
I reach out my hand, offering it to her.
"You think I need help just because I'm pregnant, don't you?" Kate asks.
One thing I've learned is not to fuck with pregnant women! "No, it's not that." I say. "It's just that it gives me an opportunity to touch you."
She smiles, I smile back.
"I want to stay here a while longer." She says, "you go on, call me later."
So I check in, seems that they want me to come in. I hope it's not some stupid surveillance thing, those suck!
I hop in my car, actually it's a jeep, not new or anything, just one of those old renegades. It's red with a black interior. I Love It!
I crank it up, throw it in gear, push the power to the radio on, and I'm off.
I dig around trying to find my shades. I find a pack of cigarettes instead. What the hell, I light one of those bad boys up, inhale and literally cough my ass off. I throw the whole pack out the window saying, "Damn! Glad I got rid of that habit!"
I finally get to Angels. I wanted a free day but I could always use some money.
I run inside and see Wes. "Hey Wes, what's up?"
"Downstairs," he says.
I run down the stairs, taking two at a time, reaching the bottom I stop in mid stride. There's B. She stands and comes over.
"Hi, B." I say.
"I've missed you, a lot. I thought something might be wrong. Is something wrong?" She asks.
I look at her. "No, nothings wrong. I just needed time to think."
"Oh, so we're ok?" She asked, looking at me hopefully.
I sighed and glanced down at the ground. "I don't think so."
She moved closer invading my personal space. "I want to work this out. Lets sit down and talk."
I still couldn't look her in the eye. She finally cupped my face with her hands and made me look her in the eyes. "Ok?" She asked. I nodded.
We sat down on Angel's bed, she moved in right beside me, placing her hand on my leg. She looked deep into my eyes. "What happened Faith, Is it because I canceled on you a few times?"
I looked at her. "Yeah, it's that and more."
"Tell me Faith, Please!"
I sigh. "It's just that lately I've been feeling like your.......your personal whore or something."
"Faith, I don't." I cut her off. "Let me finish, ok?" She nods.
"We do everything at your convenience. I come to visit you when you want, not when I want."
I look into her blue/green eyes, sigh long and hard and continue. "I was starting to feel dirty, disgusting. I mean, we'd make love and most of the time you'd throw me out afterwards. It stopped being about love and started being about screwing."
She couldn't stand it; she had to say something. "Faith, you know it's more than sex. You're with Kate; you know why it had to be like that."
I looked at her hard and frustrated. "No, B, I don't. I wasn't always with Kate. I got with her when I realized that you weren't gonna leave Riley. I didn't plan it, it just happened."
"She doesn't make me feel used or second best. I ran after you for weeks and you always went back to him, even after you said you loved me. What was I supposed to do? Spend every night alone, waiting for you to give me a couple of hours of your time."
She didn't say anything so I went on, saying. "I was lonely B. I was hurting. I needed someone. I loved you but I was alone!"
"Faith," Buffy said, "You did have me."
I looked up at her angry. "I had you! How do you get that? If I had you then why did you always go home to him? I didn't have you. I was a secret, something on the side, not really a part of your life, just an addiction, a rush, something to get your nut up, shit! I had you, don't make me laugh! And don't fuckin play me!"
She just looked at me all wide eyed and innocent saying, "Your just mad about me and Riley, well what about you and Kate?"
I was really pissed now. "No, B, I'm not mad about you and Riley. I'm mad at me for not walking away when you chose him; instead of just letting go, I let you use me."
"How did I use you, faith?" She said flatly.
"You don't know?" I asked. "You knew I loved you, you knew I couldn't resist. You knew I'd take you anyway I could get you and you used that against me."
"I don't understand," she said.
I looked up at her, tears filling my eyes. "I waited constantly for you to call and when you did, I practically ran to be with you. For weeks, you'd call when it was good for you, and whatever I was doing was dropped just to be with you. You never did this for me."
"We'd make love in yours and Riley's bed and afterwards you'd say, you better go! You never made an effort to come here to be with me, or call me. I was the one who made the effort. All you did was call me when you were horny.....It doesn't take much effort to spread your legs!"
B was getting mad, she yelled. "I never treated you like a whore, you know that I love you!"
I shook my head and lowered it. When the room was silent, I looked at her. "No, B, you never treated me like a whore, but I started to feel like one. I felt like all I was good for was a quick fuck; that's all you ever called me for, that's all we ever done when I drove down to visit."
She looked down at the ground. I reached over and touched her shoulder. She looked up at me crying. "I don't want to lose you." She said.
"I didn't want to lose you either," I said. "But I lost you a long time ago when you chose Riley. Everything after that for me was just,..... sloppy seconds."
"Like I said, I didn't automatically run to Kate, it just happened."
Tears overran my eyes. "It was the first time in a long time that someone took their time on me. Me! She made love to me, slowly and thoroughly. It was so tender that I cried."
"Can you believe it? I fucking cried! I didn't cry because I was in love with her, I cried because it was supposed to be that way between you and me and it wasn't!"
"She didn't give up on me, she never threw me out and over time I stopped crying and became the lover that she deserved and I became your affair."
Tears started to stain her face, it hurt me so much to see her cry, but I continued. "I didn't want to be just an affair. I was in love with you and at the time, I didn't care, as long as I got to have you. It's just that lately........lately I...want more than just being someone's habit, I wanted to be someone's heart.
We both cried. I got up and walked away, giving her some room.
After a while, she looked up and half smiled, "I'm sorry Faith," she said. "You should've told me how you felt. I never would've done anything to hurt you on purpose, I swear."
I nodded my head in agreement, "I know."
Her face lightened and she walked over to me. "I do love you and I'm going to prove it! I'm not just gonna sit back and lose you."
I looked at her, trying to hide my confusion. "What are you saying, B?"
She smiled. "I'm saying, that I'm gonna put things the way they should've been from the start. I'm getting my ass out of that closet and I'm fighting for you!"
I was shocked and stunned. "Oh,...um....B, ...I don't want to hurt anybody but......."
She looked up at me hopefully. I guess my face gave it away. She sighed and closed her eyes saying, "It's Kate and the baby, isn't it?"
"Yeah." I said.
"Faith, do you love her?" She asked.
I looked up at her. "I love you both, it's just I don't feel like I'm nothing when I'm with her. And when we're together, I'm just the one you're cheating on your lover with."
Buffy became determined. "I'm leaving him Faith. I told you I was going to make things the way they should've been from the start."
I was tired, I felt bruised. Never before had I let someone get so close to me. Never before had I opened up and let someone see my insides. It fuckin hurts!
I just looked at her. What could I say? Nothing, but the truth, "I've heard it before, saying things is easy, it's the putting what you say into action that counts!"
I got up to leave. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"I can't think or talk anymore about this right now, we'll talk later."
She took a step toward me, crying out. "Faith, do you love me?"
I turned and looked at her, gave her one of my smiles and said, "I always have, I always will."
I got home. I'm glad that Kate wasn't around. I needed time to think things out. I don't know what to do...There was a time that I would've said, Fuck it, and took off. I was having a flashback and my old insecurities were bursting to the surface.
People always have a choice: They either laugh, cry, run or fight. Me, I broke down and cried. Just when I thought I'd hit rock bottom, someone was pulling me out.
Kate had her arms around me, soothing me, stroking my hair, whispering those special words that only lovers know.
I looked up into her eyes with a hurt so deep that I could almost see her heart break. It was as if hers was breaking too.
No words were spoken, she took my hand and led me to the bedroom, sat me upon the bed; not once did she speak, she just looked into my eyes, I could feel the desire, the love. It was so intense that our breaths started coming in unison.
She ran her fingers over my face, just staring into my eyes. She used her fingertips and ran them over my arms, neck, legs, anywhere she could find. Her eyes never left mine.
I reached up and pushed her hair back from her eyes. I traced my fingers over her lips.
Our eyes were locked.
She cupped her hand to my face, lightly causing friction with her thumb. She continued looking into my eyes.
She moved closer, pulling me slowly to her. Our lips were almost touching. She turned her head and brushed her cheek against my lips, sighing. She started grazing her lips against my skin, starting on my cheeks, moving to my neck and ending at my earlobes, breathing and sighing into me.
Slow, hot kisses started to cover my neck, the kind where you had to hold your breath because it felt so good.
She had me and she knew it!
I started sighing into her, returning those slow sensuous kisses, torturing her with my lips and hot breath.
She leaned me back, touching my face with the tips of her fingers, looking deep into my eyes.
She slowly descended, making contact with my lips; nothing long and drawn out, only soft, slow, penetrating kisses, one after another, causing my body to burn. Each kiss was like a separate entity of taste, teasing and torture, again and again and again.
I felt her hand run down my side, over my hip and down my leg. She pulled my leg into her, running her hand back up slowly over my stomach, only stopping when she reached the fullness of my breast. She cupped it, squeezing as her body started a fluid motion against me. She ran her thumb over my hardened nipple, causing me to squirm and arch into her.
She pulled back, smiling at me as she shifted her weight to the side. She trailed her hand over my breasts, rubbing them, molding them; squeezing them against the palm of her hand. She undid my buttons slowly, opening my shirt and pushing it to the side.
She continued down to the snap on my jeans. Slowly unfastening them and pushing the zipper down.
Again, she descended to my lips, her tongue slowly entering and leaving with each hot kiss.
The kisses getting longer and deeper, her body rocking against me, her hand rubbing my breast through my bra, slipping under the lace, teasing and kneading pushing me further into ecstasy.
She pushed up my bra, exposing me.
She leaned down, rubbing her face and lips against the fullness, making love to them, only stopping long enough to take me inside her mouth. She sucked at my nipple, squeezing, leaving nothing untouched.
Her hand slid down to my center, she rubbed along the seam of my jeans, lightly at first, then taking on a more firm rhythm.
She met my lips and we feverishly tasted one another. Sliding her hand inside the fabric of my jeans and underneath the lace of my panties, she found me wet, eager and ready for her.
She eased her finger along the side of my pulsing nub, gliding back and forth against it. She started to build a slow rhythm; her hand slowly moving in and out of my jeans, descending rhythmically against me.
Her breaths were hitting against me between kisses, her body was moving against me in a rhythm all its own. I arched my body and moved against her hand. I moaned into her and she moaned into me. Our pace was speeding up, her hand delving faster into my depths, her fingers rubbing a fever against my sweet spot.
My breaths and moans were coming at regular intervals; I moved my mouth to her earlobe and bit, sighing into her, making her work faster, harder. I arched, panting until I couldn't take it any longer. I cried out into her, my body shaking, riding the wave that had overtaken me.
She smiled but didn't stop her hand. She continued to rub against me, causing more friction than my body could take.
I shuddered uncontrollably, again and again. Finally, having to pull my legs together and grab her hand to make her stop.
She withdrew her hand and planted light kisses over my face and neck. We laid still, embracing, not breaking the silence. My breathing finally became normal. I planted a kiss on the top of her head saying, "I need to tell you something."
She places a finger over my lips. "Shh," she says. "I know, ...I don't want to talk about her, I just want to make love to you."
I lean in and kiss her, slowly pulling back, looking into her eyes for an invitation. I take her hand, pull it to my lips and gently place a kiss on the inside of her hand, sliding my tongue lightly between her fingers.
She removes herself from me and from the bed. I watch her as she slowly undresses.
Smiling, she stands before me. She is beautiful!
She makes her way back to me. I sit up. She takes my hands and places one on her breasts and the other on her center.
She throws her head back as I massage her, pressing my hands into her flesh.
I get up from the bed and move behind her, kissing the back of her neck and running my tongue up and down her spine. She squirms against my mouth, but I hold her firmly to me running my hands all over her body, arousing her, feeling her wetness.
She pushes back into me, trying to turn around. I face her forward and continue to kiss and torture her, touching her barely and then pulling away. In frustration she cries out, "Faith, please."
I smile and lay her face down on the bed, spreading her legs, I penetrate her, making sure my other fingers make contact with her sensitive spot. I slowly start to move, building a rhythm. She starts to rock her hips against the bed. I thrust faster, hitting the sweet spot with each inside stride.
I lean down and blow my hot breath over her back and neck, causing her to have chill bumps, causing her to squirm. I kiss her back, tonguing her. My hand getting faster, pushing deeper, over and over and over.
I can feel her getting close. I continue my pace. I hear her breath start to come in gasps. I speed up, still letting my breath and lips heat up her spine, her skin.
She explodes, crashing against the mattress. She shudders a few times and rolls to her side, not allowing me to continue.
I withdraw and lie next to her, holding her, kissing her. "I love you," she says.
"I love you too." I reply.
"You're gonna choose between us, aren't you?"
I pull her tighter. "I don't know what I'm gonna do, how'd you know?"
She turned over, facing me. "When you really love someone, you make a point of getting to know them, even the hurtful things."
My god, she's known all along! How could I not love her? How could I be here thinking of someone else? All my life, all I've wanted is to be loved. True love, and here it is. Why couldn't B just leave me alone? Why did this have to be so hard? Why do I have to fuck up everything good in my life?
What am I gonna do?
Days had passed. B kept in touch like she promised. She had even broke it off with Riley, but she didn't tell me that, I found out when he showed up to kick my ass.
I wasn't expecting a damn thing. It's really kind of lame, I mean, I was just getting home from the baby depot. My arms were full of shit. I walk out of the elevator and WHAM!
That mother fucker! He hits me with a lamp in the hallway, right upside my head. I can't even figure out where he got the fucking thing! Anyway, He manages to cut my face up pretty good, but he broke the music boxes that I had special ordered for the babies........Pissed.....me.....off!
He just kept yelling, "it's my baby.......it's my baby!"
What a LOSER! I took that damn lamp cord, tied him up like a S & M playtoy and hung him out on the fire escape. Oh, did I mention I stripped him butt naked....His balls were ringing like the bells of St. Mary's. Well, I thought it was funny!
Anyway, getting back to where I was. B was doing what she said she was gonna do. I was impressed! Hmmmm.
I walked into the apartment, only to find Kate waiting for me. She saw my face and rushed over. "What happened?" She asked. I looked at her all solemn and shit saying "someone broke my music box."
She just looked at me with that, I better pull up my pants legs there's fixing to be a lotta shit, look.
She automatically went for the first aid kit, dove in, and began her normal ritual of piecing me back together. All the while, keeping her stern gaze on me.
I just looked back at her blankly. "What?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes, grunted and finished off my bandaging.
Ahh, the satisfaction of getting one up on someone still amazes the hell out of me.
I smiled. "I heard a joke today."
"Do tell." She said.
I loved this! "You know there's three stages of pregnancy......."
She looked at me, so I went on. "The first three months, you do it missionary style. The next three, you do it doggie style. And the last three months you do it wolf style. Do you know what wolf style is?" I asked.
She shook her head no.
I smiled. "Sit by the hole and holler!"
That got her, especially with her being pregnant and all. She punched me in the arm. What could I do, I was laughing my ass off.
"That's real cute!" She said. "I'm going to work. Try and not get into any trouble." She walked over, rechecked my bandage, gave me a kiss and left.
I really hated to be by myself; it gave me to much time to think. Basically, I spend all my time thinking about Kate, B, and the babies. The babies now that's a subject that knocks me stupid.
Sometimes I wished I never had seen those glimpses into the future. It's not like I can control it, though. I knew that there were going to be three children that I was connected with, well, that I would parent. Angelanne, the one I give birth to, and you know about the other two.
If you haven't figured it out yet, they are the trinity. It wasn't that I wanted to go out and sew some wild oats, so to speak, the PTB wouldn't have allowed that. It's that these children have to be born. There is something needing to be done that only they can do. Apart, they're great, but together, they are unbelievable!
The phone rang, releasing me from my thoughts. "Hello."
"I need you." The voice whispered.
Who is she kidding? I knew it was B, but I decided to play along, so I got real serious saying, "I need you too, you were great last night!"
She got silent. I waited. Shit! I had to start laughing. She caught on, "that's not funny, that's not fucking funny!"
I laughed harder. "What's up?" I asked. "Right now, my temper." She said.
I smiled. "I guess I'm really gonna get it then, huh?"
"Oh yes, Faith, you really are gonna get it." She replied.
Finally, I broke the tension. "Do you need something?"
"Yes Faith, I need to see you, talk to you, be with you and I need your help. There's something I have to take care of and I'm not exactly in fighting fashion."
She gave me a place and time and I told her I'd be there.
I left a note for Kate, got some supplies and headed to Sunnydale. Thought I'd stop by and see Father Davis on the way. I'd made it a habit. About every two weeks I went to St. Patrick's, it was like a third home or something.
Nightfall was coming as I pulled up outside of G man's apartment. There was no sign of B. Funny, after all this time, I still feel ashamed to be around the scoobs.
I knocked a few times but there was no answer. I turned around and ran into B.
"Shit! You scared me!" I said.
She just smiled. "Come on, we've gotta hurry!"
We got in my jeep and drove to an old run down cemetery. It reminded me of pet cemetery, you know the one by that author.
I could feel chills run up my spine and a sick feeling take over my gut. "What is it?" I asked.
"I'm not sure." She said. "We keep finding people, well, eaten and I've tracked it to here, it's just, I'm afraid of hurting the baby."
I just stared at her in horror. "Eaten!"
"Yeah, eaten, like yum yum."
Fuck me! I'm out here in the middle of nowhere, with a woman who's pregnant as my backup.
I sighed in frustration. "Why didn't you tell me this before? We might could've figured out something or looked up some info in a book or brought the witches. Yeah, we could've brought the witches!"
She was annoyed. "Would you just shut up! What's wrong with you, it might be nothing. Why are you freaking out?"
I looked at her like she was stupid. "Nothing, doesn't go around eating people! And the last thing I want, is to get my ass eaten up by some god knows what in some skank hole of a cemetery!"
She smiled. "What if I was the one doing the eating?"
I just looked at her with my mouth hung open.
She laughed. "What's wrong, cat got your tongue?"
"No, I got your tongue." A voice answered.
I jerked around and came nose to nose with a face from night of the living dead!
I screamed. She screamed. He screamed.
WE ALL SCREAMED!
He grabbed me and his fingers dug trenches in my skin. He looked gray, like a black and white movie, with a blood red mouth and eyes the size of half dollars.
He pulled me out of the jeep.
I could hear Buffy yelling. "Faith!"
Oh God..I could hear him growling, it echoed through my head and then I felt him.
He bit my shoulder, grinding his teeth into my flesh and pulled back ripping the meat from my body. I put my foot against the jeep and pushed backwards, pushing us onto the ground. It gave me enough of an opening to turn myself over and see him chewing a piece of me up.
"Mother Fucker!" I yelled.
I got up, grabbed one of his arms, pulled, and his goddamned arm came off. HIS GODDAMNED ARM CAME OFF!
There I was, standing with his fucking arm, looking stupid! Finally, I threw it off to the side.
While I was busy freaking out, he made it back to his feet. He kept coming for me. B threw me a stake and I plunged it in, nothing, he just stumbled back and continued for me.
I threw a couple of kicks and punches; he fell but got right back up. He reached for me, so I grabbed his other arm, locked in a hold, and went for a takedown. The only thing I took down was his other fuckin arm!
I heard B yell. "Would you quit playing with that thing and kill it!"
"Are you fuckin serious?" I yelled
She decided to get smart. "Why don't you try puking on it, I hear it works for you."
Think girl, think. I ran to the jeep and grabbed the tire iron, seems like you can kill one of these things if you destroy it's brain.
I charge him and repeatedly crack his skull until he quits moving, it seems to have worked.
I've got to get rid of the body. In the movie they burned them. I grabbed some tequila from my glove compartment; I keep it for medicinal purposes. Doused him down, lit him up and let him burn. "Don't forget the arms." B called out.
I grab up one and toss it into the fire. I spot the other one, lean down to pick it up and the damned thing latches on.........so here I am in the cemetery, dancing across the gravestones, trying to shake this freaking thing off of me. I finally get it off and into the fire and B's acting like it's fucking hilarious or something!
"If... you....could've.....seen......yourself....with...that... arm!" She laughed.
If looks could kill, she'd been dead. I was definitely shooting darts and throwing shit.
"Do you think that's all?" I asked. All I could hear was laughter. I was not amused. I don't like zombies, and I was still shaking from the adrenaline rush, so I turned up the tequila and took a swig. She finally stops laughing when she notices me checking out my new bite mark.
She looks at it. "Man, he really ate you out good, huh?"
That was it, she was gone.....must've been hormones or something, all I could hear was laughter.
I stayed pretty much pissed all the back to home base. If I had really thought about it, I probably would've laughed myself, but I was worried. In that movie, the people who got bit were turned and I was really wiggin out!
We pulled up to the apartment. The whole gang was there, including Riley.
Inside, Giles dressed my wound and assured me that I wasn't gonna turn from being bit. I was skeptic, but hell, what did I know. B had her fun! She told and retold the story of my fight with "The Arm."
I might've laughed along with her, if she wasn't cracking jokes about me with Riley.
I thought she had broke it off with him, but now I was having some serious doubts. He kept touching her and kissing her on the head. He was really rubbing my face in it. The last thing I remember is him smiling over at me.
I had my quota, so I got up to leave.
B followed me out.
First thing I noticed was that she was keeping her distance. I thought I'd give her a little test.
I leaned in to kiss her and she pulled away saying, "someone might see."
"We couldn't have that, could we?" I asked. "You know, B, if your gonna lie to me and fuck me over, you could at least kiss me first!" And with the last word, I left.
As I drove off, I couldn't help but think that no matter what, together or apart, I had to try and protect her. Being pregnant, she was almost helpless. My problem was that I had four people to protect and I was only one person.
I needed another ally and fast.
Where was I going to get one?
I had a wicked thought!
Maybe that female lawyer, what's her name? Lilah, yeah, that's it! Maybe she could be persuaded to help. But what could I give her to make her help me, or want my help? Hmmmmmm.
My wicked thought became a wicked grin......
Why didn't I do something? Why couldn't I just do what I wanted to do? Why am I so scared?
Faith, please come back, please come back! I'm sorry. I'll make it better, I promise.
I can't take this anymore! I have to do something, but what?
Just tell them damn it! Tell them!
I'm scared. What if they turn their backs on me? What if they don't love me anymore? What if...............
Do it! Come on do it! Just walk in there and tell them. Do it! God help me please, help me just to do it.
It's been hours and still no word. I thought she would've called. I tried to call her but Kate keeps answering the phone. She told me not to call anymore but I can't stop. I won't stop.
The last time I called she told me that Faith hadn't made it home. She sounded worried. Now I'm worried. Where is she? What have I done?
At first I thought she was mad because I was laughing at her, but looking back, I realize that it was because of Riley. She knew I hadn't told him, I know she did.
I tried to tell him but all I ended up telling him was that Faith had the ability to impregnate women and we had slept together.
I've been up all night waiting for her to call; she never did. I finally broke down and called Kate again. She told me that Faith spent the night at St. Patrick's.
She called Kate! I can't believe she called Kate!
I have to do something, Now! I can't afford to wait for the baby to be born. If I wait, I'll lose her to Kate, and I won't lose her!
It's been a long night. I couldn't go home and I couldn't stay with B......so I went to see Rynn. I sat by her grave and poured my heart out. Funny, how she seemed to listen.
I wasn't really mad at B. I got upset because I noticed that her and Riley were still close and I didn't understand it. I thought she had told him about us, now I was having some serious doubts.
I must've sat for hours, just feeling the sun on my face. I shut my eyes and let the warm rays wash through me.
A shadow covered me and I looked up.
There was B, beautiful as ever. "Hey."
She sat down beside me. We were quiet for a long time. Finally, I said, "How'd you know where I was?"
"Kate." She said.
I looked at her. "I thought you broke up with Riley."
A tear ran down her cheek. "I tried but all I managed to tell him was that the baby might be yours."
My heart broke in two. Actually, it had been in two pieces ever since I'd met her. I realized that she'd always own a piece of it, no matter what.
"It's gonna be ok B, I swear."
She put her head on my shoulder and cried. For the first time in my life I couldn't lash out, all I could do was hold her and cry.
We sat for hours, holding each other, clinging onto what we had, dreaming of tomorrow, but in the end, as always, we had to go back to our separate worlds.
We kissed goodbye. It was the sweetest kiss we'd shared in a long time. She touched my heart saying, "I love you, don't give up on me, It's taking me longer than I thought but we will be together."
I just smiled at her, what else could I do. Here was a woman who swore she loved me; didn't want anyone else to have me but didn't want anyone to know that I was hers. I always wondered what a catch twenty two was, now I know. By no fault of my own, I had been plunged into a world of magic and darkness and I couldn't help but wonder if I was becoming crazy.
Finally, I decided I must be crazy, I'd figured out who I needed as an ally and it was crazy! Now I just had to set it up.
I was glad to finally make it home. I felt comfortable, welcome and at peace. I was also glad to see Kate and I think she was relieved to see me.
She didn't press me for any information, she never did. I knew it was hard for her, she wasn't the type to keep quiet.
After I'd gotten cleaned up, I found her waiting patiently with a cup of international coffee, my favorite!
Being with her was so easy, it wasn't hard or complicated and I found myself telling her about my fight with the zombie, well it's arm and about talking to Rynn. Funny, but it didn't hurt to be with her, I wondered if it hurt her to be with me.
I looked at her. "Does it hurt you to be with me?"
She pulled me close. "It hurts me that you're torn."
At the moment, I didn't really feel torn. I felt complete. Finally, Kate broke the silence. "What are you going to do about Buffy?"
I sighed. "I don't know right now. I have to get some kind of help, she can't fight anymore and I can't run back and forth.
"Do you have someone in mind?" She asked. "Yeah, I'll tell you about it later."
I leaned into her more, wrapping my arms around her, becoming the one doing the holding, instead of the one being held. "What do you want to name the baby?" I asked. She smiled. "I thought we'd call her Rynn."
Oh yeah, I loved this woman, and she loved me!
Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard my heart scream out, (I love you, wait for me.)
I shut my eyes and pulled Kate tighter. I couldn't let the possibility of having something ruin what I already have.
It seems like weeks since I've heard from her. Her absence from my life literally makes me sick.
I finally told Giles, he was shocked, to say the least. I even talked to Willow, she was upset but said she Kind of figured. The hardest part was telling my mom. She exploded! I can still hear her yelling, (She's trash, why her? Why on earth would you want to be with her, when you could have anybody you want? You're fixing to be a mother, you can't subject your child to the likes of her!)
That's nothing, when I told her that the baby was Faith's, she about took my head off! (If you dare take the baby around that whore, I will make sure that you don't get to raise it. I will have that baby taken away from you so fast; you'll be left with nothing. Do you hear me!!!!) I finally told Riley, everything, that Faith and I had been lovers for a long time, that I was the one who started it, that I wanted her. He was shocked by what my mom had to say and then he sided with her.
I can't believe he sided with my mom.
So that's it, I have a choice to make, be with the woman I love or keep my baby. It's not much of a choice, is it?
Riley asked me to marry him. I felt really sick but I said I would, after all, there's no way I could give up my baby. I've been crying for days. I don't know what I'm going to do about the baby. Riley said he'd raise it as his own, but if it's Faith's, shouldn't I let her be a part of it's life?
When I mentioned that, I became a target. There was no way in hell Riley or my mom was going to let that happen. I was an emotional wreck and they were pretty much running my life. I had a feeling it was going to be like this forever. Faith would be hurt but she'd still have Kate's baby.
I know that fate has a way of putting things in order, so much so, that Faith could only see the outcome of things, she couldn't see the process.
She had told me that the three children made up a trinity, that they would be the ones to stop the rape of the world.
I couldn't help but wonder what fate would do if I took one of them away from the equation.
I decided that I would tell Faith myself, it's not something you say over the phone. I feel so empty and for the first time in my life, I feel like dying. I'm going to meet her this evening. I'm having dinner with Cordelia at some trendy new restaurant and Faith is going to meet me afterwards.
I've got about two and a half months left before my baby is born, I guess that gives Kate a few weeks, give or take a few days.
When I finally got to the restaurant, I was worn out. I'd spent all day worrying, trying to figure out what I was gonna say.
Cordelia hadn't changed much; I couldn't get a word in. She hogged the entire conversation. After ten minutes, she was nothing but an echo running through my head.
She must've talked for two hours, then out of nowhere, she stopped, grabbed her head and became incoherent.
Finally, she said, "Oh my God!"
"What happened?" I asked.
She looked at me with tears in her eyes. "It's Faith! Angel is killing Faith!"
"What?" I yelled.
She held her head. "I can't explain it, but I saw him, he was hurting her and she was dead!"
I felt myself getting dim. I never thought dying would feel so warm, it's not something to be scared of after all, I hope. I was floating in a maze, not knowing up from down or left from right. It was like being on acid, at least what I thought being on acid would be like.
I started to feel constricted, like I couldn't breathe. I could feel people grabbing at me and I didn't like it. I guess I was on my way to hell. I was drowning and I couldn't swim.
I finally saw a light. I'd always heard, go toward the light. Well, Fuck that! I'm going back where I came from.
I made it to a place where I could see and hear people. I knew them, I could barely make it out but I watched anyway.
There I was laid out on the floor. Angel and Wesley were leaning over me. B and Cordelia stood at the bottom of the stairs, their faces frozen in horror.
Finally, B yelled. "Get away from her!" She ran over and kicked Angel away from me. He tried to make his way back to me and she gave him an uppercut. He vamped on her and pushed her away, growling, "let us help her or she'll die!"
He kneeled by my body, Wesley gave me two breaths and Angel started chest compressions.
All I could think was, you go boy!
They must've done about four cycles when suddenly, I felt like I was falling. You know when you dream, well if you fall and hit bottom before you wake up, well you won't wake up, so I woke up gasping for air.
The first thing I saw was angel smiling at me, he even shed a couple of tears. I had to say something to let him know I was ok but all I managed was, "that was so fucking cool!"
He laughed. I laughed.
Cordelia and B were horrified.
B walked closer. "You were playing some kind of game? You think this is something to laugh about?"
I got up and walked toward her, trying to explain but as soon as I opened my mouth to speak, she drew back and punched me, busting my lip. "You crazy bitch!" She yelled. "I came all the way here to try and tell you something and I didn't know how to, but now I don't give a fuck!" She moved closer to me, getting in my face. "Don't come around me anymore. I'm marrying Riley and you're never going to see this child!"
I just looked at her. I couldn't speak; I was shocked into silence. She turned to leave. I couldn't let it end like this.
"B, wait. I'm sorry." She paused momentarily so I continued. "All I want is for you to be happy and if that makes you happy, I won't interfere. I wasn't playing a game. I needed help to protect you and the baby. I thought we could use another slayer, that's all, and dying was a small price to pay to make sure that you'd stay safe."
She started crying. She ran over to me and hugged me. I whispered, "Please don't keep me away from the baby."
She kissed me, pulled away and said, "I don't have any other choice." I watched her walk out the door and out of my life.
I got back home and as soon as I walked through the door, Kate was on me, hugging and kissing.
"Did it work?" She asked. I nodded.
She noticed my red eyes. "What's wrong?"
"B showed up. She told me off, said she was marrying Riley and that I was never gonna see the baby."
She kissed my cheek saying, "I'm so sorry baby, are you ok?"
I pulled her close to me, holding her tight. "I'm scared. Fate has a way of putting things in order, sometimes bad things happen when you mess with it." She kissed me, she never did anything halfway. She always took her time on me. "It'll be ok." She said
"Wake up....Wake up!"
"What is it!" I asked.
"Faith, just get up. I need to go, now!"
I sat up in the bed, turned on a light and glanced at the clock, it read 3:20 a.m. "Damn!"
I looked over and saw Kate. "Fuck!"
I got up, pulled on some clothes and helped Kate to the car.
We arrived at the hospital about ten minutes later. We were already pre registered, so we went on back to L & D.
We were going with the natural birth but after the third serious contraction, Kate let me know pretty damn quick, that a natural birth was not gonna fuckin happen!
She grabbed me and pulled my face down to hers. "Get me some fucking pain pills!"
I'll tell you, she scared the hell out of me!
She finally got something for pain; she got an epidural.
They made me leave the room. I was kind of glad. I didn't really want to see them insert a needle into her spine. I needed a break, anyway.
Finally, I was allowed back in. Kate was sleeping peacefully. I settled into a chair and dozed lightly. Every time she moved, the slightest bit, I was up to check on her.
About four hours later, I started watching the contractions on the monitor. I could feel her stomach tighten, hold, then release.
Another few hours had passed. She had become restless, moving in her sleep, still oblivious as to what was going on.
I settled back in to nap. I got about two hours of sleep before I was woke up.
"What is it?"
"I feel something."
"Do you want me to look?" I asked.
She nodded. I pulled the blanket down and looked.
"What is it?" She asks.
Hell, I don't know. "Some white stuff, I'll get the nurse."
I called out for the nurse, she came in, inserted two fingers inside of Kate and turned around saying, "it's the baby's head, I'll get the doctor.
" Shit!" My heart dropped!
Another nurse came in, handed me some scrubs, she told me to hurry. You know I was already dressed!
"Don't push!" The nurse said. I grabbed up the baby book, the camera and followed the nurses as they wheeled the bed across the hall into the delivery room.
They broke the bed down.
Kate was straining pretty hard. The nurse went over to her, "do not push, the baby's head is crowning, do not push!"
The nurses raised the back of the bed and put Kate's feet into the stirrups. I had never seen anything like this!
The doctor finally made it in, sat down and surveyed the area, saying "you were going to have this baby without me, weren't you?"
The nurses got behind Kate and lifted her up. And when the doctor said push, all three of them did.
"Push." She said again.
She made a small incision on Kate. She might as well have cut me, because if Kate felt it, I felt it.
"Come on Kate, push!" She said again. I could see the head coming. Oh my God, I snapped my first photo.
A little face came into view. I snapped my second.
I heard the doctor saying, you're going to have to push harder, we've got to get the shoulders through.
The nurses pushed forward with Kate, they held her in place, keeping the pressure on.
I saw the shoulders appear. I snapped a photo.
The baby slid out. The doctor cupped it in her hands, sucked out it's nose and mouth, put two clamps on it's cord. I snapped another photo. She handed me some scissors and told me to cut between the clamps. I did.
She smacked the baby on the foot a few times and laid her on Kate's stomach. I took another photo.
I looked at Kate and the baby. Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I walked over to Kate, leaned down and kissed her forehead. "It's a girl." I said.
One of the nurses took the baby. She placed her under a warmer and started cleaning her off. "Bring your book." She said.
I took the baby book over and the nurse inked the baby's foot and stamped the book. I watched as she put on her I.D. bracelet.
I looked over at Kate. My smile hit the floor. She was crying. I saw blood soaking into the sheets and onto the doctor's clothing.
I dropped the book and camera and ran over.
"Get her out of here!" The doctor yelled.
"Come with me!"
"Come with me!"
I looked around. The nurse who was taking care of the baby was calling me, "come with us, come on!"
I looked back at Kate, she was crying harder than before. The other nurse came up behind me and pushed me out of the room.
"Come on!" I heard again.
I looked up and saw the nurse with our baby and I followed her. We went into the nursery. She weighed her, measured her, done a test, drew blood and finally put her underneath a warmer.
"Is she ok?" I asked.
"The baby's fine." The nurse answered.
"What about Kate?"
"Do you know where the waiting room is?"
"Yes." I said through tears.
"Go there and wait, as soon as I know something, I'll tell you."
I nodded and made my way to the small room.
An hour had passed. I couldn't take it. I sat down on the floor and cried.
Two more hours had passed. I was beyond crying, I was in shock!
The nurse finally entered. "She's in recovery."
"Is she all right?" I asked jumping up off the floor.
"She'll be all right, you can see her now."
I eased my way into the recovery room. I saw Kate, she looked pale and weak. I walked over and sat down next to her.
"Hey." I said as I reached over to hold her hand.
"Hey." She replied weakly.
I smiled at her. "You scared me, pretty bad. I was afraid that I'd lost you."
She squeezed my hand. "No you didn't lose me. I had some problems."
I looked at her, waiting.
"I'll never be able to have another child." She said.
The nurse brought in the baby and gave her to Kate. Hell, I didn't care if she couldn't have any more kids. I was just glad that they were both ok.
I moved closer and sat on the side of the bed. Kate looked up at me saying, "she's got your dark hair and looks, but she's got my blue eyes."
I couldn't help but smile. I finally had everything I ever wanted, well almost.
"Here you go."
I turned around to see who was talking, what I saw knocked me off my feet!
Another baby! Twins!
She handed me the baby. "It's a girl." She said.
I looked at Kate. She reached over and touched me. "She looks like you but she's got hazel eyes......you better call!"
Oh my God! I picked up the nearest phone and called Giles.......no answer.
Finally, I called Sunnydale Hospital. I asked for Buffy Summers room, I felt sick when they put the call through.
"Buffy, are you all right?"
She started crying. "I lost the baby!"
"Oh God." I said aloud.
Joyce took the phone from her, told me not to bother her and hung up.
I laid the phone down quietly.
I looked at my hazel eyed baby and kissed her gently.
Kate broke the silence. "This one is Rynn what do you want to call her?"
I looked at Kate hard. "Do you know?" I asked.
She got serious. "Yes, I know, but she's ours now. So what do you want to name her?"
I held up that tiny baby. "Well, considering everything, I guess we should call her Summer."
Kate smiled. "Rynn and Summer Lockley, I like it." She touched my face, looking me in the eyes. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
I half smiled. I couldn't believe this was happening. This wasn't over, not by a long shot!
Be ready for it, it's coming. Those words came back to me in the form of a bullet, images filled my mind and were gone in a flash.
"Oh my God!"
Tears filled my eyes.
"What did you see?" Kate asked.
I turned around and looked at her. "Baby, there's something I have to do."
She reached over and grabbed my arm. I smiled at her. "Trust me, please."
She nodded, yes. I handed her the other baby, kissed them all. "I'll be back I promise."
I made my way across town, went up a service elevator and entered the apartment.
I settled in to wait.
As soon as she walked in and shut the door, I was on her.
She turned around, saw me and gasped.
I pushed her back against the wall.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
I smiled. "You said I wouldn't be disappointed in your performance."
I leaned in and covered her lips with mine.
I pinned her arms to the wall.
"Don't disappoint me Lilah." I said.
I leaned back in, covering her mouth and neck in hot kisses.
I moved to her ear, whispering how much I wanted her. I grazed my lips and hot breath over her skin.
She started to move against me. I released her arms and let my hands wonder.
My lips met hers and I slowly slid my tongue inside.
My hands found her breasts and I rubbed them through her jacket. I ripped it open, revealing a slip.
One quick pull and I revealed her to me.
I leaned down, covering her breasts with my mouth, kissing, sucking, rubbing my face into them.
My hands slid down and I eased up her skirt, giving me access. She was wearing a garter belt. Damn, she is so hot!
I could feel the wetness seeping through her panties.
I tore them off!
I ran my fingers along her, barely dipping in.
I looked in her eyes. "You want me?" I asked. She nodded.
I lowered myself to my knees, kissing her body as I went down.
I kissed all around her center, touching her lightly.
I leaned in closer. I felt her tense up, anticipating, I waited.
"Tell me." I said.
She put her hands in my hair, looking at me pleadingly. "I want you, taste me, go inside me, please."
I smiled, leaned into her and inserted a finger as I ran my tongue along her inner folds. She pressed her hips into me, moaning.
God, she is so hot. She feels so good. Mmmmmmmm. I can't believe she is so sweet. So smooth, I'm not supposed to get into this, God, I can't help myself. Mmmmmmmm. This is not what you're here for! But she tastes so good. Mmmmmmmm...Kate is going to kill you!
I stood up and looked her in the eyes, only withdrawing my hand when I had her attention.
"Thank you!" I said. "What are you doing?" She asked.
I smiled. "Oh, I'm just giving you a little piece of myself.
It took her a minute to catch on.
"You didn't!" She screamed.
I just smiled. "Didn't I?"
"I can't have your child! I'll be a target if I have a slayers child!"
I looked at her. "I can fix it, if you give me what I want."
"Fuck you!" She yelled.
"Fine, either way then, you'll be a target." I turned to leave.
"Wait." She called. "What do you want?"
I turned around. "I want you to leave us alone, stay away from Kate and the babies....and I want to know what you did with the slayer that I called."
She finally broke down and gave me what I wanted at least she said she'd leave us alone and told me that the newly called slayer was being held somewhere, she'd didn't know where at the present time but she would let me know soon.
"Thanks." I said as I was leaving.
"Hey!" She called out. "You'd said you'd fix things."
I turned around and laughed. "Ahh, just keep it to remember me by! At least until you keep your end of the bargain."
I walked out feeling pretty cocky.
Did I or didn't I, that is the question, isn't it?
Hey, come on now, it's me we're talking about!
OK, OK.....I'll tell you, are you listening....DAMN.. this is just so priceless, I mean did you really think I was gonna tell you? Ha, Ha, Ha.....thats another story and I won't be the one who tells it.
A girls got to have some secrets.
Continued In Trinity