PART 3
At some point during dinner Buffy went to the kitchen to help her mother and Faith asked for the restrooms. She went upstairs and locked herself in, she sat on the bowl and stared at her name on the envelope she was holding. She swallowed. Too many memories... She hesitated but the curiosity and the good in their past history took the best on her attempt to forget about it. She carefully opened the envelope though she usually wasn’t careful with these things.
She unfolded it.
~~Faith
I know it's been a little less than 2 months already that I've left New-York. I know by now you know where I am and you know that I'm not coming back.~~ Faith swallowed.
~~I couldn't face you and tell you this. I couldn't face you to tell you anything in fact. I couldn't look at you anymore. Don't get me wrong; you're still the most beautiful sight to me, THAT, I think will never change.~~ Faith slightly smiled.
~~But I can't look at what I've lost. I can't face you knowing I can't reach you anymore.
I'm trying hard not to be sad, not to be mad. I know I've pushed you away but I admit I still can't stomach the way you reacted to that, the things you did, and for that reason too, I couldn't face you.~~ Faith swallowed again.
~~But I'm trying hard not to think about this. I think I should try not to think about you at all cause right now I have too much pain to focus on the good part. It's too soon I guess but there's one thing I needed to tell you most of all and that's why I'm writing you this letter even if it's still sore...
You didn't let me tell you then what I felt for you, I know it's my fault, I know I had so many occasions to tell you but I only acted the opposite way of how I felt and I'm not even sure you would have believed me in the end, but please, I ask you just this once, please Faith believe me when I say I love you. Or I loved you. I'm not too sure what it means right now... Ok I'm lying I still love you but I really don’t know how now. Not sure you care about it anymore, but if it can make you feel better, I hurt, I still hurt.
And I'm sorry that you're in trouble, or so you were when I left, I can only hope you will get over it now. Yes I hurt you but I can't make it right now, it's too late. I hope that you can forgive me, and forgive yourself, I know you probably think I'm the only one who needs forgiveness from you but I know you Faith, I do no matter what you think, and I know that you're hurting yourself. The things you do only hurt you. You hurt and somehow you just want to hurt more... This isn't good, this isn't right. I know you think this is mainly my fault but it's your life and in the end you're the one in command.~~ Faith took a deep breath.
~~So I can just hope that you will be fine, that you will find your balance again... I'm sorry that it wasn't me. That it couldn't be me. I wasn't strong enough.
There are things going on in my life that I wasn't ready to deal with. Being here in Sunnydale I start to realize that ready or not, I'm gonna have to. But anyway I couldn't back there, and you on top of this, making me feel things I could never find words to describe... I handled everything the wrong way. I know, but I’ve loved you so very much and you have to believe that.
This is what I wanted to write. I don't think you're going to answer me and I don't think you should cause like I said, can't face you. I've lost, and I hate losing and that's what I did with you. I failed you, I failed with you and it will always give me that bitter taste, no matter what I succeed next, this is why I don't think 'keeping touch' would be a good thing. It's probably hypocrite of me but I can't have my failure, probably my biggest one, thrown into my face. I'm not that strong...
But knowing you, knowing where I've left you I doubt you would reply to that anyway.
I just hope it gives you some sort of... closure maybe, I 'm not sure about much these days. Not sure it will give me some but it sure is what I'm trying to do.
I hope you will be fine. I'll always think about you, I'll always keep you in my heart but I don't want to keep torturing myself with regrets and thoughts of the past. I have to move on, and so do you...
I truly hope you can do that, and you can be fine and happy again. There's nothing I want more.
Love,
Buffy~~
Faith kept holding the letter, staring at it, without reading anymore. She pulled out of her inertia when she felt a tear fall on her hand. She frowned, she very fast hold back any more tears threatening to fall. She pulled herself together like she'd successfully done all these years. She realized she hadn't cried since New- York, since Buffy. She frowned some more, she didn't like that. She wasn't the same girl. She was stronger than this. Crying wasn't for people like her, not anymore. She couldn't go back to that. She pushed the waves of emotions the letter brought to her heart back deep down inside of her like she’d been doing so well for quite some time now. She put the envelope back in her pocket and headed out to join the Summers women in the kitchen.
~
The slayers were walking down the streets, supposedly patrolling but none of them was really focused. The silence was rather heavy.
##I don't think I can take this any longer. What is she doing here? Why is she in Sunnydale? It's too hard for me to have her here. Yes I said it; it is, and I don’t care what it means. What I care about is that I’m going insane. It drives me crazy to have her beside me like that. She needs to leave cause... I can't do it, can’t do anything if she's here. And why doesn't she talk?##
“So, town's pretty full of trash I bet, being all Hellmouthy and all. You mustn't get bored.”
“Yep, boredom, not an option here.”
They slightly looked aside then Buffy looked at her again, “How did you learn who I was?”
“Well, about a year ago, when my watcher finally had a hold on me, when she was finally able to tell me the whole story without me treating her of all names you know; then it kind of hit me. She didn't say your name. Actually she was surprised cause I was the one who asked if there wasn't a slayer named Buffy. She told me about you being The actual slayer, leaving on the hellmouth. It seemed so obvious to me. Weird that in the entire world I had met that girl she talked about, THE slayer. But it really all made sense then; the speed, the strength, the lack of fear in extreme circumstances... but also the gazes, the lust, the passion...” Faith trailed off then. Buffy slightly looked aside.
Faith slightly smiled, “And here I am now, I'm a slayer too. How ironic is that? There's only supposed to be one but here we are... You and me. I know that mustn’t rejoice you that much but-”
“Why do you say that? Well actually you're right, it doesn’t but mostly because being a slayer kinda shortened your life and I can't rejoice about this.”
“Come on, I’m rejoicing. Live fast and die young, nothing else matters.”
“If you say so, you haven't been a slayer for long, but you'll see.”
“Oh right, I forgot you’d become miss super wise Buffy now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing.”
“You read the letter right?”
##I know she did. It's not in the same pocket anyway. And I just know.##
“Listen Faith about the letter there's something I-”
“Let it go B.”
“What?”
“It's ok I'm over it, you're over it too. Come on it wasn't such a big deal after all. I was fucked up because of my past. I had a hard time really connecting with people. And you, because of who you were, mostly who you didn't want to be as I get that now, made you an outcast too and we clicked, then it’s teenage lust Buffy, that's all it was. You made a big deal of it but really it's fine. You know, teens like to experiment and stuff, crushes come and go, it's not the end of the world.”
##I can't reply to that. I can't comment on that. It should make me feel good; it should be the way to look at it in order to get over it. That's how she tries to remember it but that's not what it was. It was beautiful, it was true and it was strong, and remembering it any other way would be a lie, and I swore no more lies regarding Faith.##
“B? You're with me? Seriously B. It's cool, see you're doing well and I'm fine too, no problemo.”
“Then why did you cry?”
“What?! I don't cry Buffy.”
“I know you cried at the house, and now I know it happened as you read the letter.”
“I didn’t cry, now give it up ok?”
“Like I have a choice?”
“Exactly, you don't. We're only slayers now Buffy. I don't owe you anything.”
They remained silent for a while.
“You know what B, I think we should spilt up, cover more ground.”
The brunette turned around as to leave.
“What did you come here for exactly Faith?”
Faith turned around to face her, “What? I thought we would patrol.”
“In this town, why did you come here knowing I was there? I mean if what happened between us doesn't mean anything then why are you here? What is it that you want?”
Faith moved closer to her, “I don't want anything from you B, so don't flatter yourself. I just thought I could give you a hand for a while as a slayer partner. You want me to go, say it. Well in fact, this should be my town, so maybe you should be the one leaving.”
“If you have something to tell me then go ahead Faith.”
“I just did.”
“So, that's new, are you like, threatening me now?”
“Come on, wouldn't that be fun. You, me... Getting down and dirty... just like old times... Think you could still take me as easily as before?”
“Taking you has... never been easy Faith. Nothing has ever been easy with you... But I could certainly still show you who's the boss.”
They were staring at each other, very close from each other. Both trying hard to maintain their gaze as hard and fixed as possible when everything in their mind, body and heart was turned upside down by this closeness. The intensity of their stare, the anger mixed with the desperately NOT fading memories created such waves of emotions that it took them all their slayer self control to hold the gaze and not, either hit each other, or kiss each other... cause those were the impulses they had right now. Buffy's eyes widened suddenly and she pushed Faith aside as a vampire charged her.
Faith shook her head and finally threw herself in the battle when she realised what was going.
Faith started to fight against a vampire that she didn't let go, she kept going at him while Buffy was cornered with 2 other vamps.
Buffy tried to call for her help but the brunette seemed oblivious of anything else but the punches she was inflicting to her vampire. Eventually Buffy staked hers and headed to Faith. She took her by the waist to remove her from the vamp that she dusted.
“What is wrong with you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I think you should solve your issues and fast or you won’t grow very old Faith.”
“Who said I wanted to live old anyway? Besides if doing violence to vampires upsets you, I think you're in the wrong line of work.”
“Well I think you like it a little too much.”
“I was getting the job done.”
“The job is to slay demons not beat them to a bloody plup while their friends corner me!”
“I thought you could handle yourself. You’re The Chosen one after all.”
The brunette turned her back and just left.
##What just happened? What was that? What did she become? She was... There was so much hatred, so much violence inside... I don't recognize her anymore... She scared me... Yes, that's what it is, she scared me. I think she scares me more than any demon because... she has power over me... I could never act like I don't care. I've just never forgotten... I... Can I help her? I need to find out because she does need help... I can't let her like that... She's too dangerous like that now.##
~~
##Ok, maybe asking Giles wasn't such a great idea. He just keeps asking me about Angel and Acathla these days, like all the time. That's just too many things to get over with, now with Faith back in my life... Temporarily that is. Well, hopefully... Anyway I didn't have much choice but to tell him a little about last night and Faith's behavior, minus some details of course. Yep, that she doesn't have what I do this I already know. Anyway, hopefully when he reaches her watcher she can tell us a little about Faith, how she's doing, if she's had any bigger problems lately. And oh boy there comes Scott.##
“Hi.”
“Scott.” ##The boy really IS what I was looking for to move on from Angel... But now with Faith. It’s complicated. I’m so unfocused on anything else but her right now.##
“How are you?”
“Oh, ok, you know, I gotta--”
“I know be somewhere else, right, think of this as my last ditch effort. I realize one more is going to qualify as stalking. I've given a lot of though -- some might say too much thought -- to-to how I might be a part of your life, it begins with conversation. We all know this, maybe over a cup of coffee, or maybe at the Buster Keaton festival playing on State Street all this weekend.”
##I need to make an effort. Need to concentrate on after, once she’s gone.##
“You know, come to think of it, I-I don't think I've given a fair chance..... to Buster Keaton. I...I like what I've seen of him so far, I think it might be time to see a little more.”
Scott smiled at her, “Keaton is key. Oh, um....” he reached into his pocket, “I got you a little present. Uh, the guy in the retro shop says that it represents friendship and that's something I would very much like to have with you.”
Buffy examined the box he handed her for a short moment. She opened the pink box that revealed a claddagh ring.
“You like?”
Buffy dropped the ring and the box to the floor at the shock, at the memories she couldn’t hold back at the sight of the ring.
“I can't. I -- I -- I can't do this.”
In the distance, Giles, looking concerned walked towards them. Scott goes to pick up the ring and the box.
“Ok. I get the message.”
He walked away. Buffy breathed heavily in anxiousness, unaware of her surroundings. Giles extended his hand to her arm.
“Are you alright?”
Buffy turned away from the touch. Tears in her eyes.
##This is just too much. Not Angel, not now, can’t think of him. ##
“Giles, I, uh.....yeah. I'm fine. Um, did you reach the retreat?”
“Yes, I did.”
“What did her Watcher say?”
“Her Watcher's dead.”
##I need... I need to help her.##
