Chapter Seven

You know that feelin’ ya get when ya know you’re not where you should be? Like right when you’re wakin’ up? Yeah I don’t have that feeling. I have the exact opposite of that feeling. I don’t know much more than that ‘cause I haven’t opened my eyes but I know I don’t have that feelin’. It’s been a long time since I’ve woken up without it. I crack an eye open and blink until I can make sense of what I’m seein’.

It’s a single bright green eye starin’ right at me. I blink, it blinks. That’s kinda creepy. “Hey.” I clear my throat and sit up a little but it pulls me out of Buffy’s arms. Now I’m gettin’ that feeling in my gut. The bad one. I can tell she’s all disappointed that I pulled away but I didn’t actually think I’d be wakin’ up next to her this morning. I don’t actually remember fallin’ asleep with her so I guess that’s why I didn’t think she’d be here.

“Didn’t mean ta drool on ya.” Yeah that’s my morning greeting. I sigh wishin’ I had said anything but that. But well it’s said now. Buffy looks at her shoulder and shrugs before sitting up next to me. Why is it only then that I realize I’m still naked? Well. I wasn’t too keen on coverin’ up last night so I’m not gonna now. But I wanna. Dunno why. I just do. “I don’t uh...” I don’t even know what to say. “Thanks for stayin’.”

It’s too quiet so I gotta look up at her even though I don’t wanna. B looks...damn fuckable. I flick my eyes away from her ‘cause that’s so not what I wanna be thinkin’ of right now. I swear in another life I was a dude. I wake up with a clit boner every fuckin’ morning. Guess today is no exception. “You don’t have to thank me. It was kind of nice to just be around you.” I give her a non committal grunt ‘cause I don’t know what to say to that. “You hungry?”

Well. Yeah. I give her a look that must be funny ‘cause B laughs at me and shakes her head. “Wha?”

“You look like you can’t decide if you want breakfast or me.” I’m not one for blushin’ but I do it now. The last thing I wanna do is let Buffy know that I’m seriously contemplating making her come until she can’t anymore. “Hey...it’s okay Faith. Believe me I am not opposed to seeing that look on your face.” Yeah. I know. Big love. Big lust. Whatever. I crawl out of the bed and open the drawer where my clothes are mostly folded.

“Breakfast sounds good.” I need a cigarette too. I yank out a pair of pants from the drawer and start pullin’ them on before I realize they’re my leather ones. That’s okay. They’re more comfortable anyway. Plus they’re in my color. “How long ya been up?” Yeah this is me not really lookin’ at her. It’d be pointless since I can feel her eyes on me from the bed even while I’m puttin’ on a shirt.

There’s a rustling on the bed an’ before I know what’s happening B is standing there. Right in front of me, makin’ me look at her. “Since you fell asleep last night.” That...well I don’t know what I was expecting but that wasn’t it. I blink at her and don’t actually pull away when she leans in to me. “We’re not going to have to start the whole process of letting me past your walls again are we?” No. I guess that would be kinda stupid. This is new an’ I don’t exactly know how to respond to all of this. “Faith?”

I hold up a hand for a second so I can think it through. Am I weirded out by this really? Yeah. So much that I wanna go back to hidin’? Maybe. Enough to walk away from her again? I’m not so sure. Do I feel like it might be worth it should be the question I’m askin’ myself but I don’t think I like how ready the answer is when I think about it. Yeah. This could be worth it. She could be worth it. I just don’t know. I fuckin’ hate bein’ confused. “Look B. Uh this is all kinds of freakass okay? Just um gimme time to get used to it. I’m feelin’...” I don’t even know.

And since I don’t know I can’t finish my statement but Buffy does it for me as I snap on my leather wrist cuffs. “Vulnerable.” I stop and turn to look at her. She gestures to me an’ what I’m wearing an’ I look down at it. “Faith at her hardest. All black, leather and attitude.” I scowl at her ‘cause I don’t have anything better to do an’ she’s not wrong.

“I liked this conversation better when we weren’t havin’ it.” Buffy’s face breaks in to a grin that turns in to a chuckle before she steps away from me. Hrm. I don’t like that. Not the laughin’. That’s okay. I meant the steppin’ away part. Now that side of my body is cold. An’ probably the part in my chest that always seems to be Buffy’s. So I reach out an’ pull her back against my chest and hold her there. Buffy doesn’t struggle she just leans back in to me like a big cat tryin’ ta get her snuggle on. Better. This is better. “I need time ta figure shit out B. I’m not so sure us bein’ friends is gonna work out. It never does.”

Buffy’s smaller body shivers against mine when I start talkin’ but now that I’ve stopped she’s perfectly still. Well. No. Only the dead are perfectly still. Buffy is very alive. I can feel her body vibratin’ with energy and aliveness. Whatever you wanna call it. It’s there an’ I can feel it. I always could. “Well we could go against our usual rock ‘em sock ‘em bullshit and actually try this time.” Heh. Sometimes I forget that she’s not just a pretty face. There’s a brain in there an’ she’s fuckin’ determined when she wants somethin’.

Hard for me to think that somethin’ is me. I laugh an’ I think she’s shivering because I’m so close to her ear right now. “You got a point. Sure it’s at the top of your head but at least ya got one.” Buffy smacks my arm playfully but I notice she’s not pullin’ away from me. Not makin’ me let her go even though she should. “Uh huh. See. You’re always the first one ta go for the violence. An’ people think I’m bad...” I almost swallow my tongue when Buffy’s hands move mine under her shirt to cup her breasts. What the fuck?

“A: I have two points for you and neither of them are on the top of my head.” Yeah. I can tell. Her nipples harden as I roll them under my fingertips. Fuck she feels good. An’ this is wrong. So fuckin’ wrong. I start to pull away but she turns in my arms and gets right up in my face so I feel trapped a little. “And B: While it is generally my first reaction to touch you...it’s not always because I want to get violent.” Nope. I’m thinkin’ she wants somethin’ other than violence right now. Somethin’ that requires less clothes an’ a lot more touchin’.

I squirm a little ‘cause I’m still all morning lusty an’ her skin is warm under my hands. I slide them down her flat belly and out from under her shirt before stepping back. “Don’t take this the wrong way B, but...” I don’t think I should have the right to touch her.

“But you’re still beating yourself up and don’t think this is right.” Yeah. I give her a slight nod that she nods right back at me with. “I’m going to say something that may make you angry but I’m going to chance it anyway. You’re worse than Angel.” What?? I blink at her and open my mouth but she stops me by puttin’ a hand over it. “I love you. I’m willing to do just about anything to show you that. But I’m not going to help you punish yourself. So don’t ask me to.” Well I wasn’t gonna.

When she takes her hand away I let out a breath. “Me an’ Angel...we walked the hard line. But he didn’t have a soul when he fucked up. I did.” An’ just like that I feel like I’ve said too much.

“Did?” No I didn’t sell my soul. If I thought it was actually worth somethin’ I mighta hocked it but who’s gonna give ya a good deal on a damaged soul? No one that’s who.

“Do.” She nods to herself because I know she doesn’t want to think that I mighta just given my soul away. But I couldn't. Not even if the price was right. It’s good an’ tied here I just don’t know why. “What I did to you, I did with a soul. There’s no forgiving that Buffy.” I watch her heart crumble in her eyes. Fuck that’s hard to watch. “That’s just how I roll I guess.”

“Fuck that.” What? I blink up at her and wish there was more room between me an’ the wall ‘cause she’s got that look on her face that says ‘Hurricane Buffy comin’ through’. “I’m sorry but as the victim here I think I get to say what’s forgivable and what isn’t. And I’m not going to tell you again for the millionth time that we can work through this. If you don’t want to fine. Then fucking tell me Faith. I’ll leave you alone if you want me to. But don’t fucking hide behind your guilt and shame because I deserve better than that.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard Buffy say fuck that many times in one sentence before. “So what’s it going to be Faith? Are we going to try or not because I have to know.”

She’s pushin’ me. She knows she’s pushin’ me an’ she knows how I react to that. I get pushy right back. So what am I doin’ right now? I’m not really sure. I think this is what normal people do when they realize they’re bein’ an asshole. “M’sorry.” What was that? The sound of me sayin’ sorry? Yeap. One morning grope an’ she’s already got me whipped. I’m in some big fuckin’ trouble here.

“So does that mean we’re going to try to figure this all out or does that mean when I stop pinning you to the wall you’re going to disappear on me again?” Huh. Never even realized she had me pinned. Surprise surprise. Guess who’s body isn’t unhappy about that? Thankfully I don’t actually have a dick or I’d be tryin’ ta figure out how to hide the massive boner I’d have right now. Instead I’m tryin’ not ta rub against Buffy’s body like a fuckin’ cat in heat. “You have to want it Faith. You have to want me.”

I take in a slightly shaky breath and bite my lip. I do want her. An’ this. Whatever the fuck this is. But how do I say that? “I don’t trust me.” Buffy steps back from me and moves so that there’s about a foot of space between us.

“Then trust me.” That’s a fuckin’ tall order. I give her a mild look.

“How?”

How do you learn to trust someone that’s only ever broken your heart? How can I trust someone I’ve tried to break for years? “How good is your control?” It’s unexpected so I just blink at her kinda stupid like until she takes off her shirt. Then it’s not kinda stupid like it IS stupid like. ‘Cause I think someone hit me between the eyes with a sledge hammer when I wasn’t lookin’. Buffy slides out of her pants and crawls in to my bed holdin’ a hand out to me. If I take it things could seriously change between us. Maybe not so much for the good.

“Uh...B...I don’t know if ya know this but first thing in the morning I’m kinda...rowdy.” That’s putting it mildly. Buffy looks at me an’ raises one pale eyebrow.

“Faith I could write the book on the Slayer version of morning wood. Come here.” I hate taking orders. I really really do. But goddamn it, it’s Buffy. An’ she’s naked and holdin’ her hand out to me. How many times have I had this dream? Only this time it’s real. Right? This has to be real because if I wake up now I’m gonna have a serious rage issue. So what do I do when I don’t know what to do? I follow Buffy. I don’t take her hand but I do stand next to the bed and look down at her.

She’s just laying there watchin’ me watch her. I wanna fuckin’ touch her so badly right now. Without me thinkin’ about it I run the tip of my finger along her collarbone then down between her breasts and the center of her stomach. I stop just short of where I wanna be and pull back. “B...”

“Don’t Faith. Don’t second guess this. Just come here.” How do you say no to that? Oh yeah by taking a step back like I just did. Am I fuckin’ retarded here or what? You know what? Fuck this. I move faster than I thought I could move until I’m hoverin’ over Buffy’s body, my face inches from hers. She doesn’t think I’m dangerous anymore. That’s not safe for her. “For a second I thought you were going to run away.” The way she says it is so soft I wasn’t sure I heard it right. But I did hear it.

“Why can’t you just be afraid of me like everyone else?” Can’t she just...do what I want just once? “You think that just because you love me I won’t fuck you up?” It’s harsh I know. Harsh enough to make her flinch. I start to shake my head and pull back but she grabs my wrist and pulls me down on top of her, one leg tangled with mine, arms around me in a tight grip as she rolls us over.

“No. I know you can hurt me no matter how much I love you.” Well at least she knows that but this is still wrong. I mean if she wants me to hurt her that makes her a sick fuck just like me. An’ I don’t know if I can live with that. ‘Cause I’ll always wonder if I was the one that broke her. “But I know you won’t. Because you love me right back.” I freeze at that. My whole body just shuts down an’ the only thing working is my brain stuck on freak out mode. “Are you going to tell me you don’t?”

No. I shake my head but I don’t know how to argue this point. Buffy kisses me then so I guess I don’t really need to argue it. It’s too much for me to try an’ keep from touchin’ her. From rolling us back over an’ pressing in to her with my hips. Too much so I don’t bother tryin’ not to. Buffy’s breath comes out in a groaning sigh as she arcs up in to me, meeting the rocking of my hips with hers. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Her scent clings to the air and I know I wanna wrap it around me like a blanket an’ carry it around all day. “Fuuuuck....”

God. Her lips. Her chin, her jaw. Everything about her face is somethin’ else to marvel at. To worship an’ kiss. But I keep it there. I don’t go further ‘cause I can’t keep myself from taking her if I do. An’ yeah okay it looks like she wants me to fuck her blind but she’s not tryin’ ta get me naked either. I’m guessin’ this is where her question of control comes in. “Touch me Faith.” I pull back from her, not off or away, just back. Enough to look down at her an’ not drown in the scent of her hair. “Please?”

“Dunno if I can start an’ not finish B.” That’s my only out for her. If she stops me later I dunno that I will. Then where will we be? Well. I’ll probably be dead ‘cause I ain’t waitin’ around for Sushi ta kill me. I’d rather just fling myself offa the tower. Buffy takes my hand in hers, bringing it to her lips to kiss my knuckles. I’ve done a lot of stuff an’ had a lot of stuff done to me but I’ve never had anyone just kiss my knuckles. Not like that. “You sure you wanna do that? You don’t know where that hand has been.” I meant it to be funny but the way her pupil contracts slightly makes me think I said somethin’ wrong. Or. Right?

Buffy’s laugh is fuckin’ sexy when she’s like this. “I think I remember exactly where this hand was thanks.” Oh. That. Yeah. “Do you have any idea how hard it was not to get out of that chair?” Considerin’ the fact that I should be runnin’ for the goddamned hills an’ I’m actually layin’ on top of a naked Buffy. Uh. Yeah. I give her a duh look before running that hand along her side and over her hip. Buffy’s legs spread a lil for me and I sigh takin’ in everything about her. I’m slow to react ‘cause I’m afraid of myself but I move my hand lower, between her thighs, just strokin’ the soft skin of her pussy with my knuckles.

Buffy sighs happily and tangles her hands in my hair. Guess my hands aren’t only made for pain. I circle her clit slowly with my thumb, givin’ it a teasing flick every now and again. I like the way it makes Buffy’s breath hitch every time I do. “Probably as hard as it is for me to stop touchin’ ya right now.” We kiss again but something changed. It’s not...okay it is sexual but it’s not like it’s the only thing there. It’s...more. It’s...gentle. Not my style of doin’ things but I’m the one that kissed her. I’m the one touchin’ her. So. Does that make it my thing?

“Faith stop.” The second she says that everything inside of me dies. But I stop. I stop an’ I swallow hard before looking in to her eyes. I don’t wanna see the fear and horror there. I really fuckin’ don’t. Of course it helps that Buffy is makin’ me look in to her eyes with my face all cupped in her hands and all. “You’ve always seen me for who I am behind the mask Faith. Tell me what you see now.” I blink in confusion and open my mouth but I close it and look at her. Look at us.

Me on top of her, hand between us. The flush of her skin and the readiness of her body. I look in to her eyes and see want. Need even. An’ somethin’ else. “Trust.” Buffy smiles at that and puts her hand over mine, slidin’ both of us in to her at the same time with a soft moan. She trusts me. I don’t deserve it, an’ I shouldn’t expect it. But she trusts me. Somehow that makes it easier to trust her. ‘Cause she wouldn’t let it get this far if she wasn’t really in love with me right? Right? I’m saved from having to think on it because there’s knocking on the door. “Goddamnit.” I stop what I’m doin’ an rest my head on Buffy’s shoulder.

It’s takin’ a lot of effort to not fuck this up here. “I think I might kill whoever is on the other side of that door.” It makes me laugh despite the fact that I’m really supposed to be the angry killing one. “As much as I don’t want to say this...I think you should get the door. They don’t sound like they’re going to stop knocking.” I grumble about it but I slip free of her and slowly get to the door. I’m kinda shaky an’ that’s no good. What is good is Buffy’s warm body behind me, holdin’ me. “I’ll make this up to you. I promise.”

Son of a bitch. She just bit me on the neck an’ ran to the bathroom. No fuckin’ fair! I give another grumble an’ fling the door open to see a startled Xander. “This had better be good Harris.” He holds up a tray of food with a smirk. Well. If I can’t get my sexin’ on at least I can get my eat on. I give him a big smile and close the door in his face. “Don’t move Xand.”

“Uh....okay...” It’s bewildered an’ muffled from the other side of the door but I’m pretty sure he ain’t goin’ anywhere with my food. I’d have ta cut him if he did. No. Not really. I poke my head in to the bathroom just as Buffy gets under the water. Maybe not the best thing for my control but hey. It’s worth the effort to see the show.

“Was that Xander asking if you can come out and play?” Buffy’s grin is big an’ if she had any doubts about what we were just about to do she ain’t showin’ them. She is kinda showin’ me her tits though. Soapin’ them all up like that. I give her a lusty growl and shake my head.

“If I don’t get outta here I’m gonna be keepin’ ya in this room all day.” She looks at me like she doesn’t mind but I know me. This is too fast still. Maybe. Sorta. Fuck if I know. But I know I need to leave right now to figure some shit out. I toe the floor with my barefoot an’ look away. “You gonna be around later?” I hate that I sound so fuckin’ nervous asking that.

“I’m not going anywhere Faith. Go hang with Xander, I’ll probably be with Willow most of the day.” Cool. That just made my life so much easier. Easy enough to lean against the door frame an’ watch her shower. “Faith if you don’t stop looking at me like that I’m going to have to resort to taking a cold shower just to be able to survive. And I really hate cold showers. So either tell Xander you’ll play later or go away.” Fine fine fine. I’ll leave.

“Better make it up to me real good B.” I give her a wink and close the door to the bathroom. I can hear her laughin’ an’ it makes me smile. What the fuck? I actually feel...better.

“Yeah. When it comes to Faith I usually do the unwise thing. But...this felt right Wills.” Of course I’m not telling her exactly how right it felt to have Faith inside of me this morning. God that was an experience unlike anything I’ve had before. It was like my skin was trying to crawl off my own body to be near hers. Hrm. That’s a pretty gross visual. I must have frowned or something because Willow puts a hand on mine. “So what do you have for me? External attack or just a case of the guilties?”

Willow visibly pulls her thoughts together and sighs. “Honestly...it’s a little of both I think. Faith is very susceptible to attack right now. Her defenses aren’t strong enough to hold anything back.” That’s not true. Faith’s walls were pretty firmly in place yesterday. Before I cried all over her. “Whatever is manipulating her dreams is using her own guilt to get in to them.” So we don’t know what the bad is. Great.

“So does this mean we’re in research mode?” I’m not sounding as hopeful about that as I should be. Not because I don’t want to help Faith. Because I do. That’s my priority. But because I want to spend time with Faith. My other priority. Hey I’m a girl I can be inconsistent when I want to be. Willow gives me a throaty laugh and shakes her head. What? What does that mean?

She tries to hide her laugh and it winds up being a tiny snort. Heh. Willow snorted. “Sorry Buff. The look on your face was hilarious.” What look on my face? I blink at her in confusion and she just laughs more. I think I should get huffy about it all. “I think I can handle the research front. You look like the only thing you can handle right now is Faith’s b...hey Faith.” I nearly choke on my coffee and spin around to see Faith and Xander right behind us. Oh man....Willlow is sooooooo busted.

“Red. B.” That from Xander. What? He’s like her mouth piece today? God I hope not. I love the sound of her voice.

“Xander. Faith.” I give them both a look and go back to sipping my coffee. And I’m very pointedly not looking at Faith’s chest that’s rising and falling very gently with her breathing. Nope not looking at all.

“Uh Buffy? Hellllo?” Xander’s hand waves in front of my face and I give it a slap.

“Not now. Oogling.” You know I didn’t even think it was possible for Faith to blush but this is the second time I’ve seen the tanned perfect skin of her cleavage turn red. I think I like that. I think I like it alot. Faith clears her throat with a chuckle and nudges me so that I have to look up at her face. “Yes?”

“Goin’ in ta town, we still on to hang later?” Oh. She’s making sure she can still have fun with her boyfriend. That’s actually kind of sweet. I smile up at Faith and watch the dimples in her cheeks deepen. I could look at that smile all damn day. I give her a nod and look at Willow. Who is very intent on something in here mug.

“You know it.” Faith gives me a nod and leans down so her head is between mine and Willow’s. Oh this could be bad.

“Don’t worry Red, B was strictly hands off.” I give a soft sigh of relief. “When she wasn’t puttin’ my hands all over her body that is.” I fucking knew it. I roll my eyes and bite at the shell of her ear poking out from between wavy brown strands. I don’t think she expected it because she lets out something that I think is a squeal before backing away from the table and yanking Xander along after her.

Willow’s face is about the same color of her hair and I know I probably should be too but I’m so not. “I didn’t know Faith squealed.” Me either. I laugh at that and shrug. I bet it’s going to be one of a million little things that I find out about Faith. Things I never knew. Things I didn’t know how to ask about.

“So about this research thing?”

I don’t want to shut Willow down or anything. I just want to make sure we stay on point here. Faith is my top priority period. “Right. I can handle the research. It’s not like it was before. I’ve got people now.” I have to smile at that. Yeah. We’ve all got our pet people. Even me. Granted my pet person probably wouldn’t like to be called my pet. “If you can keep Faith from feeling like she’s been for awhile it’ll help keep the outside whatever from getting in to her brain.”

Well that I can do. Faith didn’t have any dreams last night. In fact she was out for the count once she did fall asleep. “Okay so that pretty much gives me nothing to do all day.” Willow hesitates and I look at her seriously. “You have but face. Why do you have but face?” Her shoulder comes up in a shrug and I put my hand on her arm.

C’mon Willow. Give it up. God that sounds so wrong. “I think maybe you should talk to Satsu.” How did I know that would come up eventually? “She was pretty shook up last night.” That’s understandable. I mean Faith did kind of play up to her reputation on patrol. And that’s....

“Wait. What? When last night?” Willow’s face gets even redder than it did before Faith started playing with her. “Willow is there something you want to tell me?” Oh please oh please let this be what I think it is. “Did you get naughty with a Slayer last night?”

“Maybe.” I knew it. I just smirk and finish off my coffee. “But that’s not the point. The point is that you should you know...make sure things are ended. With Satsu.” They are ended. Satsu knows it. And I know it. I think Willow wants to know it because Willow wants it to be over.

“So how good was it?”

Her groan makes me laugh and her head slumps to the table. “Apparently I underestimated the stamina of a Slayer.” Now that makes me laugh. Faith would probably be laughing her ass off right now too. “I forgot that Kennedy is a very in the now person and that things can be...different with someone else.” Different? Well if she was with Satsu last night she has no idea what she’s in for.

“You can always tell by how they fight.” Willow looks at me with wide eyes. Okay. Now what?

“That raises some very interesting questions about Faith.” Now it’s my turn to blush. Willow watches me with a smug look. Fuck. I guess I’m busted. “Which I’m sure you can answer for me.”

“Nope sorry. The answer desk is closed until tomorrow." I get up and lean over to kiss her cheek. “I’d ask where you’re going to be but I’m sure you’ll be doing some research of your own.” If she could get any more red she might explode. Man. I really like it when I win.