I have decided I need to just slow down. I have been going at such a hectic pace the last few days that I am getting ahead of myself, not explaining myself properly and making plans that put me in danger and that honestly don't make any sense at all.
Also the way this Dollhouse reacted doesn't make sense either. When I decided to stop being action girl and started thinking about things I kinda saw that them attacking a slayer was kind of a strange thing to do. It totally put them out in the open and to attack a random slayer who has no idea about them just seemed suss to me.
I went to Giles and talked to him about it. I was tired of talking to Angel and Wes about everything. I told him that I thought this other doll attacking Cody was them trying to call us out. Get us to make the next move, get me to make the next move just like I had planned to do. He shocked me by actually agreeing with me. So me being bait was put on hold till we knew more. I also wanted to see if this hypno therapy they had Faith slated in for would help her.
Giles also apologized for the other morning when I was off in lusty dream world. See the bang that pulled me from that delicious daydream was him dropping the demon codex on the table. He said it was for my own good as he was scared that any second I was going to start humping Faith's leg. Another thing more awkward than talking about that with Angel is talking about it with Giles. So I quickly told him that I promised Faith I would wait for her after her appointment and had to go. He told me to be careful and to not do anything until we knew for sure who she was. I thanked him and gave him a hug and invited him up to my apartment for dinner then left.
So I have been pacing the hall for a good 10 minutes now waiting for Faith while recapping my thoughts. I don't know what kind of help I will be but I still want to be there for her. If she remembers stuff....like even the pre Sunnydale stuff she may not be in a safe frame of mind. I don't know much of it but what I did learn was that it was hard for her. Some of the things she told me...well they just made me love her more.
Soft voices and a door opening stops me mid pace. I turn and face the general direction and wait. She steps out in to the hallway and I notice her eyes are red and puffy and she has a handful of tissues. She says goodbye and closes the door behind her.
"Heya B" She says giving me a small smile
"Hey, so here I am like I said"
"I can see. How did your chat with Giles go?"
"Oh you know cup of tea, cluck cluck cluck, tweed and a little more tea"
She laughed softly
"No it went really well. He actually agreed with me on some things"
"Like going out to face those people is like asking for trouble"
"Yep. I was all gung ho girl instead of stop and think girl"
"Yeah being a gung ho girl isn't always a good plan" She says softly
"I didn't mean...I wasn't referring to you"
"Chill B. I know"
"Anyway I don't want to talk about that. How are you doing? How are you feeling?"
"Uh I don't know just yet. Can I give you a rain check on the answer?"
"Of course. So how would you feel about a little sparring. I know being cooped up in my apartment and in this building in meetings al the time must be driving you mad"
"It is. I think sparring sounds excellent"
Sparring went well. We managed to get a good couple of hours of training in. It was amazing at how focused she was and what things she had learnt since we last sparred...then again last time we sparred it was more about it being foreplay than the actual sparring.
I was also surprised because I assumed that after the hypno therapy session her mind might be elsewhere but she was all about the task at hand. I had only ever seen her concentrate that much, focus that much when it came to sex.
I feel kind of guilty for thinking that. Then again I guess I have always been guilty of pigeon holing her. I guess it became habit over time. Denying how I felt...letting her be the get some get gone girl in my mind.
It reminded me of the day I found her near that warehouse. I immediately put up my walls and acted like she was bad Faith trying to pull a swifty on me. Acted like the 6 weeks before she took off never happened. I guess I thought if she was acting that way then why shouldn't I? I am such an asshole at times, she was acting that way because she had no idea who she was, she still has no idea who she was. I don't blame her for taking off the way she did. I always assumed the worst of her even when it wasn't warranted.
"Faith" I say quietly from my spot on the mats then look at her sitting across from me
"Yeah?"
"I have to apologise"
"For?" She quirks an eyebrow and I smile a little. Her confused face is so cute.
"A lot of things...I don't even think I should apologise now, I should wait until you are you again"
"Why?"
"You will get mad at me. You will think me apologizing to you know is taking the easy way out because you don't remember a lot of things"
"So just owe me an apology. I will collect once the upstairs is back up and running"
"Okay"
We go back to sitting in silence again just as my mind starts to wander she starts talking.
"So you know me pretty well then?"
I shrug "I know our pattern"
"Pattern?"
"Yeah. I don't know if pattern is a good way to describe it. We reacted a lot to each other. We always seemed angry at each other, always mad about something the other did. I think I was always angry with you because it was easier to deal with"
"Easier to deal with? What else was there to deal with?"
"The lust, the desire"
"You felt them?"
"The second your eyes locked with mine that very first night"
"Why did you deny it?"
"Uh the aforementioned easier to deal with. You were on my turf, you were spunky, you were forward, you were turning my insides to mush and there is one thing I did better than kicking ass and that was denying the blatantly obvious...ignoring it too. I became pretty good at denying and ignoring"
"You think if you didn't deny it or ignore it you and I would have turned out differently?"
"I don't think either of us will ever know. I asked you that a wile ago and you said that all that mattered was that we got there eventually"
It goes quiet again. I don't let my mind wander this time. I have a feeling she is going to tell me something, something big, maybe something she remembered.
"I was angry with you. So god damned angry. I had opened up to you that morning knowing that we were going in to battle but also because we had built up trust. I know for you to be with me that way meant you trusted me and I thought it was about time that I showed you that I trusted you too. After that battle all I wanted to do was break down in your arms...give you everything I had and when I found you...it was with him. I saw how he was looking at you...I didn't just walk in and fly off the handle. I stood and watched and while I knew you didn't feel that way about him anymore I knew he would always have this hold on you, he would have a part of you that I never would...my fucked up brain went in to over drive. Telling me that you would never feel the same, that I should just take off before it got too hard so that is what I did. I yelled and ranted and put on a great show then took off. I didn't go back for my things because I knew you would be waiting for me with excuses and apologies and I didn't want to hear them. That my version of the truth was right and always would be right till I saw you...I knew that as soon as I saw you then I would be fucked"
I don't say anything. I keep as still as possible, scared that the slightest move will spook her and the sharing would be over.
"That is what I remembered. That and this wicked chair with blue lights...it was like a massage chair but not...like it was built for me. The arm rests, the head rest...I fit in the chair perfectly. It was like the ultimate home theatre chair with what looked like speakers that come out around my head but I don't think that is what it was...I think it was part of this other place, this Dollhouse. I remember always falling asleep in this chair and when I would wake up in it I was confused...not remembering why I was in the chair or that I had fallen asleep"
She looks at me, like right at me, expecting an answer or maybe some validation.
"Well we don't have any chairs with blue lights...not that I am aware of and it took me a week and a half to get a couch from Angel when I first moved in to that apartment upstairs"
She chuckles softly "In charge of a multi billion dollar corporation and he won't spring for a $500 couch?"
"Yeah...such a cheap skate except for when it comes to himself of course. Why does he need Gucci loafers when he ends up in the sewers most nights anyway?"
"The one thing I never got about him. ‘Oh I am so tortured, I am so broody but here I am in a cashmere v neck and wrinkle free chinos' Toughen up soul bitch"
I laugh. I had forgotten her other nick name for him. She always referred to him as Soul Boy but behind his back especially when she was pissed at him he was Soul Bitch.
"You remember that nick name"
"Yeah...these little bits come to me right as I am talking. Kinda strange. Sometimes I feel like I should be swearing more to as I talk and not saying words properly like ya know instead of you know or aight instead of alright...did I used to think I was some kind of gangsta before I took off?"
"Yep...you and Gunn loved to kick it gangsta style" I answer with a smile
"Gunn?"
"Tall, bald man that has been coming in and out of some of our meetings with papers for Angel or Wes"
"Oh right. He and I were tight?"
"Yep. He called you-"
"Vanilla Ice" She says with a grin.
I hear the door to the gym open and look up and see a group of slayers with Kennedy and Chao Ann.
I get up off the mat and extend my hand to Faith, she takes it and I help her up. Our fingers lacing together naturally.
"Sorry" Kennedy says coming over "I didn't know you guys were in here"
"It's fine, we were just shooting the breeze" I answer
She looks down at our hands "Uh did I interrupt something?"
"Memory lane" Faith answers "Sorry do I know you? All of you?"
"You know me. I'm Kennedy and you know Chao Ann" She says pointing at her
"She still can't speak English?" Faith asks
Kennedy gives her a strange look
"I remember bits and pieces and generally not until I say them. It's kinda strange"
"So is you and Buffy holding hands" She folds her arms across her chest
"Not to us" I say "We will leave you guys to your training" I tell her and Faith and I begin leaving
"Good to have you back Faith" Kennedy says as we reach the door
"I think it is good to be back Special K" She calls back as we walk out it.
The next few days pass us by quite uneventfully. Faith has been seeing the hypno therapist daily and she is always quiet for a few hours afterwards so we have a standing sparring appointment straight after her sessions. The flirty, pushing my limits Faith has been MIA since these appointments. It is strange and off putting because even when we were together the flirty, pushing my limits Faith was still there.
I love the sparring because I know how it was between us before she left and I just hope that one day after a sparring session or even after a visit with the doctor she would remember how most of our training sessions would end. And while we have only been doing it for 4 days and I am bored with her slowly slowly approach to everything I can't help but feel frustrated with the lack of responses I am getting. I am not even getting eyebrow wiggles or inappropriate comments.
I had just walked off totally frustrated and angry. I had shouted a very tension filled "I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE" and left her standing there bewildered on the mats while I made my way to the change rooms to cool off in the showers.
I had literally ripped my clothes off me swearing and cursing under my breath. Not at Faith but mainly at my stupidity. When she had been totally willing and flirty with me I pushed her away and now we were entering the friend zone and while that isn't a bad place to be I don't want to be there. I want to be where we were all those months ago.
I stand under the spray and let my frustrated tears mingle with the water, a few strangled sobs escaped my throat. I put my hands in front of me against the shower wall and hang my head between my arms and just allow myself to cry.
"B?" I can feel her behind me
"Just go Faith" I say controlling my voice
"You are upset"
"Yeah I am so please just leave me alone" I stand up
She is right behind me now "No"
"Faith please" I breathe out as I feel her press against my back. She is naked...which is a good thing because we are in the shower. And cause I want to fuck her
"Please what?" She asks placing kisses on my shoulder
I lean back in to her "Please" I say again, hoping that there wont be a need to say more.
Her hands slide around me and run over my stomach "This?"
"Yes" I breathe
She slides her hands up my body cupping my breasts "This?"
"Yes" I moan
She takes my nipples between her fingers, pulling on them and tweaking them while her mouth sucked on my neck.
What started in the shower ended up in my bedroom. Softly and slowly making love over and over again. Finally feeling whole again.
Even now in the afterglow as I kiss over her skin it just feels right. I push myself up and look at her. She smiles at me and pushes some of my hair behind my ear. I turn my head and kiss her palm.
"Mmmmm Faith" I purr
She puts her hands on my hips and pulls me flush against her and I notice something flash in her eyes "I think you'll find the name is Echo"
"What...what did you say?"
Her eyes flash again "Hmmm?"
"What did you just say?" I move off her and the bed taking the sheet with me
"Uh the leg numbing thing?"
"No, after that"
"Uh....nothing" She frowns "What's wrong?"
"You just said...you said...when I said...Echo"
"Echo?"
"You don't remember?"
"I don't remember a lot of stuff B. Could ya be more specific?"
"Just now! I said what did you JUST say implying JUST now"
"Hey you need to chill out" She gets up and starts putting her clothes back on
"Chill out...CHILL OUT?"
"Yeah" She looks at me "Chill and tell me what the fuck you mean!"
Okay with a statement like that I know I have Faith back...for now at least.
"You just said that your name was Echo"
"I said that?"
"Yeah...I was all nuzzly and said Mmmm Faith and you kinda went blank and said ‘I think you'll find the name is Echo' hence the me not chilling out"
"I so did not say that"
"You think I would lie about something like that?"
"I'd fucking hope not" She sits on the side of the bed "I said that?"
"Yeah"
She puts her head in her hands "I fucking hate this B"
"This?"
"Not knowing...feeling and knowing some things but not others...the fact that I just felt so complete and now I feel so fucking lost" Her voice cracks a little on the last few words.
I make my way over and kneel between her legs. She looks in to my eyes and I see how she feels. I see her eyes glistening with tears as she looks everywhere but at me.
"Faith"
"Yeah"
"You think maybe...maybe we shouldn't have...have been intimate?"
That gets her looking at me "What?"
"What we just did, should we maybe not have?"
"Was it...bad?"
"No, it was amazing, delicious, hot, saucy, orgasmic...just...has it messed with you?"
"Messed with me?"
"We are still finding out things and for us to be doing something like this. Maybe it's rushed"
"Did it feel rushed?"
"Not at all, it felt right"
"It felt like I was coming home" She says softly "I know I am not one for grand gestures or pretty words but being with you, in you, under you, beside you...any fucking way you can imagine feels like home. And while I don't remember I know that you have always felt that way cause this feeling...I know this feeling"
"You do?"
She nods "I don't know how many times I have to tell you the same thing"
"Once you start to remember you will understand why"
"Stubborn?"
"As a mule"
She laughs softly and suddenly I don't feel as scared as I did 5 minutes ago.
Meeting time again. Faith was off with the therapist for another hypno session. I kinda want to be closer to her than the 3 floors we are apart right now but apparently this meeting is important.
"I have gained Intel from inside the Dollhouse" Angel starts
"How?" Giles asks
"A cleaner that works for them...saved him from a horrible death he is one of my informants. I have a few of them at each place that comes up on Wolfram and Harts radar"
"What does he have to say for himself?" Kennedy pipes up
"There is panic about Echo. She was sent on a mission...a mission inside a mission but they are scared that she won't be successful"
"Mission inside a mission?"
"Well she has one personality, makes it look like she is doing one thing when in fact she has been put there for a totally different reason that wont become clear until she is quite deep in to the mission"
"Are we the mission?" I ask
"Not that I am aware of. There is this FBI agent that has been sniffing around them for years...he says the word is Echo was sent to kill him"
"They use human beings to kill people?"
"They use them for all kinds of things Buffy. If the person is willing to pay the price for the Doll then they get them"
"What kind of things is Echo used for?"
"She is generally the muscle. She is one of the best assassins they have ever had"
"Assassin" I say softly "They program her to kill?"
"Yep"
The room goes silent
"Did she know what she was signing on for?"
"I doubt it. Knowing the frame of mind she was in when she did it all...I would say she just wanted to escape"
"Her frame of mind?" Giles asks
"When she left...they last time we saw her...she was angry and most likely very upset. While she had come a long way over the last few years she was still vulnerable with some things"
"Like Buffy" Kennedy says a little too meanly for my liking
"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask her
"Nothing" She scoffs
"I think it is something...something that maybe we need to discuss. I mean you think it is important enough to scoff at"
"I scoff at everything you do"
"Ken, this isn't helping" Willow says to her quietly
"And what she did to Faith was? She basically pushed them in to their arms Willow. Did you know that they were fucking? Did you know that after we risked our asses yet again for her she ended up in Angel's arms when she should have been in Faith's?"
"That isn't what happened" I say standing up "What she saw isn't what she thought she saw"
"Of course not...it happens how you see it and no other way. Faith was in love with you and you didn't fucking deserve it!"
"I am in love with her too! And I swear it didn't happen how she thinks it did. I know what she saw drove her to them. It plays on my mind every single second since I found her"
"Uh...you love Faith? I knew about the girl on girl stuff but you love her?" Willow asks
"Yeah, kinda always have. I know that sounds stupid and cliché but I have always loved Faith...even when you guys thought we hated each other...only she did hate me"
"Yeah cause you head was stuck up your ass"
"Kennedy!"
"It's true...it was...wait you know about the girl or girl?"
"We shared an apartment Buffy"
"Oh. All that aside what she saw was Angel cleaning my hand. It got sliced open at the start of the fight by the end of it there was a lot of muck and gunk in it and he was cleaning it out before it closed up. She walked in to see him holding my hand and kinda kneeling in front of me but that was to clean my hand. She just went off yelling and swearing at us then actually took off. I went after her. I spent the rest of the night and day looking for her around all her usual hang outs. I spent the next few weeks at her place just waiting for her to come back but she never did"
"Cleaning your hand...right. No wonder she took off I don't believe that bullshit either"
"She didn't even let us explain and if you don't believe then take a look at my hand, look at the scar" I stalk over to her and shove my hand in her face.
She is silent for a few seconds as she takes in jagged reddish purple scar that start at the bottom of my palm and goes up between my thumb and forefinger.
"Can we stop this talk about why she went and who loves who? I want to know what Angel has found out"
"Me too" Faith says as she walks in to the meeting
"Faith, Hello" Giles says
"Hey G" She sits beside him.
"Right so...we continue" Angel states "My contact tells me that they have never had a Doll not come back from a mission. They are programmed to automatically head back once their mission is complete. It is like a pull, they don't know what they are doing or why but they know they have to go there"
"Why don't I feel that?" Faith asks as I take my seat which is across from her
"We aren't sure. We are kind of flying blind here. We have limited information about this organization"
"Why don't we ask this FBI agent that seems to be on their scent" Willow suggests
"We are looking in to that possibility but we don't want to risk Faith in anyway" Angel answers
"There are so many lose ends, so many unanswered questions, so much we don't know. We have second hand information and I am sure Faith feels like she has a lot of people talking at her. A lot of information being thrown at her...at all of us"
"What are you saying Giles?" I ask
"I don't know...I am at a loss here"
"Maybe we stop speculating then. Maybe we stop having theses meetings where a lot of shit gets thrown around. Call me in when you guys actually know something...know what the fuck you are talking about" Faith says standing up
"Faith" Angel says to her
"What?" She snaps at him
"I know this is hard for you, I know what it is like to be two people in one body"
"You know fuck all Angel! You know both people inside you! You remember both people inside you. I don't know who I am, who I am supposed to be. I am remembering such small bits of information that are fucking useless. Giles is right I have most of you talking at me telling me shit that just confuses me even more. The more I listen to you people the more I see why the fuck I took off in the first place"
"You don't mean that" Angel says
"The hell I don't! I mean every fucking word"
"You don't know what you are saying"
"Angel would you shut up and listen to her" I say "Stop pretending to know what she is going through and just fucking listen to her"
Faith looks at me and she just looks so lost so I get up and make my way over to her. I take her hands in mine "You okay?"
"It's too much B"
"Okay. I think that is enough for today" I tell the rest of the room "I think we just need to give Faith space"
"Do you include yourself in that we?" Kennedy says
"Yeah I do"
"I don't need space from you" Faith whispers in my ear
"Trust me it is easier if I tell her what she wants to hear"
"I'll see you upstairs yeah?" She whispers
"Yeah" I say softly to her aching to kiss her before she goes
She leans in and kisses my cheek "Thanks B"
"Anything for you" I tell her and kiss her cheek in return and then she is gone.
I turn back to the table
"You think getting that close to her is a good idea?" Giles asks
"I need to be that close Giles"
"For her or for you"
I swear to god if I hear one more fucking thing come out of Kennedy's mouth I am going to make sure she cant open her mouth for a very long time.
"Angel...you know she appreciates what you are doing for her...just hearing we think this and we think that is very confusing for her"
"It's confusing for us too"
"That doesn't matter. Right now all that matters is her and how she feels"
"How she feels between your legs"
"Kennedy shut up. If you want to help that is great but right now all you are doing is being a giant pain in the ass. Fighting me isn't going to help. You don't know the first thing about Faith and I so from now on if you wanna talk it better be about helping her if you don't then you know where the door is"
She looks to Willow for support and when she doesn't get it she storms out of the meeting room.
"Angel keep doing whatever it is you and your team are doing next time you call Faith in though it better be on facts not what if's"
He nods in response.
"Great" I say "Now if you'll excuse me I want to see how Faith's appointment went"
When I get back up to my apartment I find her sitting on my kitchen counter eating the Oreo cereal straight from the box.
"Hey" I say as I close the door behind me
"Hey"
I walk in to the kitchen "Want a bowl?"
"Nope" She puts the box down as I go and stand between her legs
"Tense"
"Yeah. I don't mean to be rude...but I do. Does that make sense?"
"It does. I am not going to even pretend I know how you feel right now"
"It is kinda hard to explain cause I don't even know myself how I feel"
"You don't have to explain anything to me at all"
"Does it count that if I knew what to say then I would only wanna say it to you?"
"It does"
She looks like she wants to say something but decides against it
"I am not gonna rush you or push you. I am just gonna be here okay?"
She nods
I bury my head in her neck and feel her arms come up around me and what she has been saying to me finally makes sense because leading up to this moment we are sharing right now it all felt harsh and loud and not one thing made sense but here in her arms it all makes sense...I have finally figured it out.
