Who Am I?
by Slayer Tash
"Mission complete. Echo returning to base"
4 weeks...4 weeks since the shit hit the fan and I have dreamt of her every night, the same line waking me up in a cold sweat...funny how the sweat is cold and I feel anything but cold as I rest my forehead against the cool steel of the fridge.
I would close my eyes as I try to calm down but each time I do I see the look on her face as she walked out of Angel's office. The look that tells me I know I will never see her again.
I hear coming from Dawn behind me, I don't move...I think the fridge is the only thing holding me up right now.
"No same dream just another night"
"You wanna crash in my bed?"
"I don't think I want to go back to sleep"
"Do you think we should be talking to Giles about the dreams?"
"No I don't" I sigh and move to face her, resting my back against my savior the fridge.
"They could be some kind of slayer dream"
"Slayer dreams happen over and over before the event happens not after"
"Well maybe this is in reverse, you keep dreaming of that day for a reason"
"Cause I am fucked in the head Dawnie"
"Well normally the answer to that is yes" She says with a smile "However this time maybe you keep dreaming of it because you are meant to do something after it"
"Like what? Not sleep with anyone ever again because of the mess it can cause?...well mission accomplished I won't ever be having sex ever again powers that be so please stop making me have this dream" I say the last part to the ceiling.
"You ever think it isn't them making you dream it"
I shrug...I honestly don't know why I am dreaming it night after night I just want it to stop because I want to start getting over her.
"Buffy you have never been able to get over Faith, it's been how many years now?" She says as if reading my mind.
"Too many...not enough" I sigh again and sit at my breakfast nook.
"Want me to make pancakes?"
I shake my head in response.
"I know I don't have to be up for work for another 4 hours but I don't mind."
"It's okay Dawnie, go back to bed. I don't want Giles on your case because you fell asleep in another translation meeting"
"I think considering he current situation Giles needs to lighten up"
"Giles is picking up the pieces caused by Angel's death"
She doesn't say anything just comes over and kisses my cheek before heading back to her bedroom.
I have always loved my sleep, mainly because in this line of work and the hours that I have kept sleep became a luxury not a necessity like it is for most people. Then again as Faith liked to remind me, we weren't like most people.
Now I hate it, each night in living colour I see a person I trusted betray me out of jealousy and the person I loved walk out of my life not knowing exactly how I felt. Despite all that came to light during her mission here she won't ever remember any of it. She would have gone back to that place and had her memory wiped.
Everything we said, everything we did was all gone in her mind. She and I didn't exist anymore to her. I guess I still have my memories of those 6 weeks but if we don't exist in her mind then what does it matter what memories I have. What I have up here just reminds me we will never have it ever again and that hurts. It hurts so much that at times I can't breathe...I don't want to breathe. I just don't want to exist anymore because without her what kind of existence is it anyway?
Every time I close my eyes I dream of my life being taken away from me.
I hate how I feel. I hate how I care so much when all I want to do is stop caring. I just want it to stop.
If I am not dreaming about her then I am thinking about her and it is starting to drive me mad. I think I have always been a little to the left of normal but I knew the line between sane and not so sane and lately because of my thoughts the line is a little blurred. The line is a lot blurred, what I do it isn't healthy, what I say isn't worth listening to, what I feel...what I feel is pain, is loss, is confusion, is making me die inside.
Giles thinks I need to mourn. The loss of Angel. The loss of Faith. Angel...that situation is easy. He betrayed me, he betrayed my friends and he screwed with my life worse than anyone ever has. What Faith did with Riley all those years ago is like comparing a dirt speck to a fricken mountain. He manipulated, he lied, he used, he...he broke me. Plus he is dead so the life journey with him came to close.
Faith however, Faith as always has never been simple. It wasn't until recently that I realized how I felt about her, how I have always felt about her but was never aware of. I didn't deny it because of the implications as so many people would think or because I think I am too good for her or that my head is up my butt, I honestly wasn't aware of how I truly felt about her. When I was though I wasnt able to act on it.
I know I have gone on about those wonderful 6 weeks we spent together before she left...can I even refer to it as that anymore? She didn't leave, she didn't run away from me or from us...she ran from what Angel tricked her in to seeing then was sold off to a place that made her forget who she was. So those 6 weeks...that time in my life with her would have to be the most significant relationship in my life.
I have been through a lot as have the people around me. The who's who of the demon compendiums have made cameos or had staring roles in our lives at one point or another. I have shared my slayer powers with ever possible person who is entitled to it. I have lost my Mother. I have died and come back twice. And the most significant period in my life was the lust filled, sex filled 6 weeks I spent with Faith.
And I didn't get that it was that significant until it was all gone. I didn't understand at the time that some life altering things were happening to me. It isn't just about a change in orientation or engaging in such an intense and emotional connection with someone I once stabbed. How I thought about myself and how I saw the world was changing.
Faith got me, Faith understood me, Faith knew what I was about when I had no idea. She shared with me the one thing I couldn't explain to anyone, couldn't share with anyone, couldn't explain to myself even. People knew what I was and what I did but they didn't know me. I shared everything with Willow and I shared a lot with Xander but they won't ever know me the way Faith did. And that isn't even on an intimate level.
I have tried to mourn her. I have tried to let go of her. I have tried to tell myself that I won't ever see her again. I have tried to move on...it lasted 30 seconds on each attempt. For me to face those things mean losing part of who I am. It isn't because we are both slayers but Faith is a part of me. I think we could have been two normal girls living a normal life and we would have been together. I bet if I go dimension hopping that most alternate worlds have Faith and I together. Snuggling on the couch, weeding in the garden, doing the weekly food shopping, walking hand in hand along the beach at sunset, fighting over her putting an empty juice carton back in the fridge, fighting because I take too long to get ready for a night out, getting busted for making out inappropriately in public places, dry humping on the dance floor as we dance to the music, making love in our bed till the sun comes up.
How can I mourn her when I know that she is still alive? How do I let go of the hope that when she is finished with where she was taken she will come back to me? How do I do anything without her? How do I walk? How do I talk? How do I breathe? How do I stop caring?
Somebody tell me please.
Does Faith dream of me like I dream about her? Does she close her eyes each night and see my face? And if she does, does she even wonder who I am...cause of the memory wiping and all or does she just feel me deep inside her and know within herself that I am out there somewhere waiting for her.
I am tired...I am tired of thoughts...I am tired of dreams...I am tired of feeling helpless...I am tired of feeling sorry for myself...I am tired of life without her...I am tired of just being in this room lost in my thoughts.
I wanted to stop caring and I wanted to stop thinking about her but after weeks and weeks of different dreams and different thoughts I figured there was something to Dawn's words. Maybe I am dreaming about her for a reason, maybe I can't let go for a reason...apart from the obvious ones related to our relationship.
I just want to talk to her and yell at her and apologise to her...just be near her again because I feel like something is missing from me.
When she first left I didn't feel this way, I was beyond mad with her. I was furious. It felt like she didn't trust me and she didn't even wait to talk to me. I thought she had just taken off bring forth the furious.
Now, now I know that she didn't take off. I know that she was manipulated and used and lied to and this empty feeling just fills me up. Kind of an oxymoron I know but that is what it feels like. I am chock full of empty.
The longer I stay here away from the world the more I think about Faith after she is released from this place. Will she still think I was with Angel? Will she still be mad with me? Will she even remember anything before Dollhouse? Will she even come back to us?
Then after that even more serious questions pop in to my head. Will she want answers?
I know that if she does ever come back then I want what we had back. We fought for so many years that when it finally stopped and we just were how we were with each other. Clichés prevailed. The stars aligned. It felt like it was how it was always meant to be. I stopped bullshitting to myself and I stopped bullshitting to her.
So when she wants answers I know I am going to have to be honest.
I will have to let her know what Angel did to her, to us. I will have to tell her what happened when she came back. I will have to tell her that we left her there in that facility knowing what they did for god knows how long till she was released.
That last part just kills me. Knowing that we are leaving her with them. Letting them wipe her mind, letting them sell her off to the highest bidder, letting them use her body...letting them hurt her.
If she knew that we just left her there then we are over.
So I guess it is time to get over myself. Pull up my socks. Reassemble the troops.
It's time to get my girl back.