Chapter 80: Leaving The Past

Twenty Minutes Later. FPOV

“Baby just calm down.” Calm down? Calm down?! How the fuck am I supposed to calm? I just found out that Xander fucked Buffy. That means Buffy fucked Xander. Yeah, I know, been there done that, but this would’ve been after B and me got together. Even if they fucked when we were broken up that’s still a shitty thing to do. You don’t sleep with a friend’s ex. That goes against ALL of the friend codes. Stupid, fucking Xander. This is probably why he got a divorce. Probably cheated on Katie with one of her friends. No wonder she’s pissed at him. He’s fuckin lucky I knocked his ass out with one hit or I’d still be kickin his ass. I tried to keep doin it but B stopped me. Guess she doesn’t want me hurting her lovah. Fucking bitch.

“Don’t tell me to fuckin calm down,” I say and I’m surprised I’m not yellin. My voice sounds like pure venom though, and the look in B’s eyes changes. Before she was a little…worried, I guess. Now she’s startin to look a little pissed. Can you fuckin believe that? Little miss high and mighty is gonna try to justify this shit. I almost wanna hear what she has to say for herself. Almost, bein the key word. “What, you gonna say I can’t be mad ‘cause you fucked him while we were split up? It still counts, B, and I got every right to be pissed.” Now she looks irritated. I hate it when she gets like this. She still thinks she’s better then everyone. It really fuckin gets on my nerves.

“You really believe I would do something like that?” she asks and she sounds……it’s like a mix of pissed and shocked. I’ve never really heard it before, and it’s a little weird. It does nothin but pissin me off and makin me doubt myself all at the same time. Ok, this whole ‘mixed emotions’ thing is gonna do nothin but irritate me. I need to commit to one and stick with it. I think I’ll go with pissed off. The look on her face is just so…I might as well have slapped her across the face and called her a cunt. But I can’t back down like a little bitch. She can’t get her way just because she looks a little hurt.

“Mattie started hating Xander when he was five or six, B. Little kids can’t make shit like that up.” I have to admit, I got her there. There’s no fuckin way she can deny that shit. And she can’t say he got confused with somethin else, ‘cause honestly, what else coulda they been doin that looks like fucking? I spent a couple minutes trying to come up with a bunch of things Mattie coulda confused with them getting nasty, and I couldn’t come up with jack shit. He’d walked in on me and B dozens of times by the time he was five so he knows what fuckin looks like. I can’t believe that rat bastard fucked my wife! Fucking asshole is dead when he wakes up.

“I’ve never slept with Xander! I don’t know why Matthew thinks that, but Faith it isn’t true! I can’t believe you think I would do something like that. Don’t you trust me anymore?” She looks so fuckin wounded, like I just slammed a puppy against a wall or something. I can tell she’s fighting it but tears well up in her eyes, and her bottom lip is trembling. God dammit, Buffy, you know I can’t fuckin stand to see you cry. I sigh most of my anger goes away. I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her. I put one hand between her shoulder blades and the other on the back of her head and gently bury her face in my neck. I forgot how much she hates cheaters. Her dad cheated on her mom and ever since then she thinks cheating is the worst thing you can do. “Why don’t you trust me anymore? I thought we trusted each other with everything we are.” Way to use my words against me.

“I trust you, B. But you can’t really blame me for thinkin that. Xander’s always had a thing for you and it’s never gone away no matter how much he says so.” She sniffles a little bit and pulls back. I let go of her and take few steps back. That comfort was for her, and I really don’t wanna be touched right now. I just look at her for a few seconds and she looks a little strange to me. I don’t know what it is. I guess just the thought of her doin something like that, cheating on me or whatever, made me realize that we don’t know absolutely everything about each other. I guess I never really thought about this trust thing a whole lot before. But I know she wouldn’t cheat on me. At least that’s what I need to convince myself. “We haven’t always been solid, B, and things were pretty fucked up back then.” She nods her head a little bit and wipes the tears outta her eyes.

“I know, but I’d never cheat on you, Faith. I love you too much to do something like that.” I don’t really know what to say to her. I feel the same way, but right now telling her that would be a little...I don’t know, almost like I’d be saying it just because she did. Kinda like when someone says I love you, and you say it back just so you won’t hurt their feelings. I sigh a little bit and run a hand through my hair. This is bullshit and I’m really pissed off at myself. I can’t believe I actually thought Buffy cheated on me. I took the word of my kid over her. I never though that would happen. I mean, yeah, sometimes we play little pranks on each other and try to deny them just for the fun of it and the kids will nark, but that’s completely different.

“Alright,” I say, and I can tell she was expecting something different. I’ll save the pleasantries for when this shit is over. Right now I’m still too pissed off to pretend to be nice. When I tell her I love her, and hug her close to me I wanna mean it, you know? “Guess the only way we’re gonna get this shit sorted out is if we go right to the source.” Mattie’s the one who brought this shit up. He’s the one who thinks B cheated so I guess we should ask him what the fuck is up. We didn’t really do that. After I knocked Xander out B was more concerned about gettin me away from him then givin Mattie the third degree. Before I stormed outta the room Buffy told him not to leave. He’s gotten into this habit of just going over to Lucas’ house when he gets pissed off.

I don’t know what to do when he gets like that and Buffy certainly doesn’t know. I don’t know if it’s teenage hormones or if there’s something deeper going on but he gets really pissed off really easy, and it’s fuckin sad to see. He never used to be like this, so it’s makin me think normal teenage crap. But none of the guys I knew would get pissed off like that at the drop of a hat. And after what happened today I’m pretty fuckin scared for what that could mean. He could’ve killed Xander, actually ended his fuckin life if I hadn’t been there. And he only stopped because he wanted to. I had no real control over him. I know he’s stronger then me, but I’m starting to think he’s a lot fuckin stronger then I thought. You have no idea how fuckin scary that thought is.

If he’s getting pissed off so easy and he’s really fuckin strong what’s going to happen when his girlfriend cheats on him? I’m not saying that it’s going to happen, but it could. He could be dating a girl and she could cheat on him and he could freak out and kill her or the guy she fucked or both. He was holding back so fuckin much when he hit Xander, and he’s still a growing boy. What happens when he’s an adult with these powers and pulls a Hulk? I don’t know what would happen if he actually killed someone. We’d have to keep the cops out of it ‘cause there’s no fuckin way a prison would be able to handle him. If I could break out as easy as I did then imagine how quick Mattie could get out. I don’t want to think about this anymore. What I will think about is a solution to all this shit.

I need to get my kid to open up and talk about stuff again. I want him to be able to talk to me like he used to. We used to talk about almost everything, but now he doesn’t talk to me about much. At least not anything important. Maybe he’ll talk to my dad? I dunno. I’m starting to think therapy would be a good thing for him. The therapist in prison actually helped me out a lot. Once I decided I needed to talk to someone about the shit I’d been through. I had to change some of the details obviously. I couldn’t have her thinkin I was crazy with all the vampire and demon talk. Solitary is never fun, I know because I got put in the hole a couple times. You start to go crazy after a while. Some guys would talk about seeing little bugs and shit that weren’t really there. And that was only after two weeks of solitary. But why am I talking about that? I swear I have A.D.D.

I leave the kitchen and head for the stairs and B’s right behind me. We both wanna know what the fuck is going on, and I’m going to find out. Even if he doesn’t wanna talk about it, he’s going to. This shit is too important for him to deadlock now. 0.000006 of me still thinks that Buffy cheated on me. I don’t want to think it, and it’s tearing me up inside and it’s making my blood boil, but I can’t shake the feeling that maybe there’s some truth to this story. So maybe they didn’t fuck exactly. Maybe it was just a heavy make out session with lots of petting and Mattie thinks they were having sex. Even the thought of Xander doing that to my girl makes me wanna hit him some more. It’s probably gonna take me a couple days to get over this. I guess a little part of me is still insecure. That little part of me still thinks that one day B is gonna wake up and realize she could do better and then leave me.

When we get to Mattie’s room I can’t help but roll my eyes. He’s sitting on his bed playing his Playstation and for some reason it just seems so…stereotypical. I dunno why but I feel like I should’ve expected to see this. I walk into the room without knocking. That’s something we’re trying to do with all our kids ‘cause they’re people too and they deserve some privacy. I guess it doesn’t really matter though ‘cause even when Addy tells me not to open the door I still open it. But at least they’re learning they’re supposed to knock before they walk in a room. Why the fuck am I talking about this shit? Anyway, I walk in his room and turn off the game. I look over at him with a raised eyebrow, and yes I’m totally challenging him to say something about it. He doesn’t though, and I’m a little surprised. I totally thought he was going to give me some shit. Instead of sayin something he just tosses the controller to the foot of the bed.

“I need you to tell me why you think Mom cheated,” I say and he just sighs. He doesn’t wanna talk about it, that much is fuckin obvious, but I don’t give a shit. He glances over at Buffy and he gets the deadliest fuckin glare that I’ve ever seen. And I’m a girl who’s seen a lot of glares. I stop myself from screamin out in anger and take in a deep breath. “Don’t look at her, alright? Just look at me, and tell me what happened.” He looks over at me and I can practically feel the rejection coming from Buffy, but her being here is obviously pissing him off even more. I wanna ask her to leave so I can talk to him but that’ll just start a fight between us, and we got enough shit goin on at the moment, you know? I’m about to say something to him, but then he sighs, rubs the back of his neck, and starts explaining.

BPOV

(Flashback to eight years ago)

I never knew I missed hanging out with Xander so much, but I do. Faith is gone today. She’s hanging out with Kennedy so Xander dropped by to spend some time together. Willow would be here too but she has some big meeting in San Francisco. I still don’t know exactly what she does for a living but I’m starting to think she’s some sort of secret agent because we’ll be hanging out and she’ll get a phone call and then have to leave right away. I know she works for some type of computer company but that could always be a front for something else. Hmmm, maybe I should look into this. I could follow her for a day or something and see what she’s really doing…………no, I won’t. That would seem insane. Besides, Willow doesn’t have to be here for me and Xander to have a good time. We can have fun all by ourselves.

“Hey Buff,” he says and I pry my eyes away from the TV to look over at him. Ok, so we’re not rolling on the floor with laughter or anything. We’re just sitting here watching Nightmare Mountain and trying to figure out what the big deal is. This movie isn’t scary at all. Sure there are some suspenseful parts, but terrifying? I think not. Then again I’m a slayer so what I see on patrol almost every night is about seventy times scarier then most horror movies. So anyway, I look over at him and he has this goofy smile on his face. I make a little ‘hmm?’ noise and he looks at something else in the room. “You ever notice how Matt looks kind of like me?” What hell is he talking about?

I glace over at my son. Yeah, I said ‘my son’, how weird is that? Anyway, I look over at my little pride and joy who is playing very quietly with some of his toys, his trusty but very irritating dog laying down next to him. I swear if Faith ever surprises me with another animal like that again I’ll cut her off from the sex for six months. Ok, getting back to what Xander said. I take a really good look at Matthew and I can kinda see what Xander means. They don’t look a lot alike because Matthew definitely has a lot of Faith’s genes, but the scruffy brown hair, the caring brown eyes, and just the way he sits is a little like Xander. I look over at Xander and roll my eyes a little bit and smile.

“Yes Xander, he looks exactly like you,” I say in a teasing tone and his smile gets bigger. I love joking around with Xander like this. I always have. I don’t know what it is about our playful banter that always puts me in a better mood but it never fails to do just that. It’s not like I need to be put in a better mood or anything. Today I’m just fine. Things are pretty peachy to say the least, but whenever I need some cheering up I always go to my bestest buddies because they never fail to do just that. Why am I talking about this? “Do you think we should get a paternity test? Because there was that one night we were together.” I wiggle my eyebrows a little bit and he shakes his head a little bit.

“Maybe we should. That was one hot night, and if he is mine it would be worth it.” I shove his shoulder a little bit and laugh. He can be a little mean sometimes, but he’s my Xander shaped friend. Sure there are some things that he says that’ll make me mad at him for a day or two but I always forgive him because I know that even if what he said was really offensive he came from a nice place, and I love him anyway. “What are we going to tell Faith? She’s going to find out sometime because Matt looks way too much like me for her not to get suspicious of something.” I laugh a little more but stop just enough so I can talk.

“I don’t know, but I’m sure she’ll understand. No one can resist you, it’s impossible.” He wiggles his eyebrows a little bit and the look in his eyes changes. I know what’s coming but I don’t do anything to stop it because I don’t really mind. Sometimes this type of joking can get annoying but not today. Nope, today nothing is annoying. “I mean, if anyone should know that it’s her, right?” I didn’t mean to say that but I did and there’s no taking it back now. To say that I’m still a little upset that Xander slept with the love of my life is an understatement, but I’m almost completely moved on and over it. I mean, it was forever ago, and it’s not like we were together. It’s not like Xander knew how I used to stay up every night either crying my eyes out, or bringing myself to a powerful orgasm because I wanted her so damn much.

“Very true, but what do you say Buff, wanna have another roll in the hay?” he asks and wiggles his eyebrows. He rolls over on top of me, his hands are on both sides of my head, and he has the biggest grin on his face. I start laughing when he wiggles his eyebrows again, and I reach up and put my hands on his shoulders. There is nothing more hilarious then messing with Xander like this. I mean, sure it’s a little sad because he still has a thing for me, and it would be best for everyone if he got over it. But teasing him a little bit is always pretty fun, and it gives me a little bit of a power trip, which is always nice. I lift my feet up and rest them on the coffee table, and my knees are resting against his hips. The look in his eye changes and I have to fight back the smile that wants to break out across my face.

“You want to be with me again, Xander?” I ask and then bring my lips to his ear. I’m not trying to be too mean, but there is a five-year-old in the room and what I’m about to say shouldn’t said in front of a little kid. “You can have me, just do it hard and fast.” I thrust my hips just a little bit, and he jumps off of me so fast that he can’t stop himself from going backwards over the coffee table. “Oh my God, are you ok?” I get up and walk over to his side. He’s laying flat on his back and looking a little more then confused. From what I can see he’s alright, and I can’t stop myself from laughing harder then I’ve laughed in a long time. “I’m sorry, but…it was just too funny. I…I couldn’t help myself.” I have tears rolling down my cheeks I’m laughing so hard.

“I think you’ve been living with Faith for too long. Before you shacked up with her you never used to let me straddle you,” he says and I hold my hand out to him. He holds on to it and I help him up. “Thanks.” He goes from confused and slightly irritated to playful in about five seconds. That’s Xander for you, always wanting to joke around. “Maybe we should tell Faith about our night together. Who knows, maybe she’ll want to be the filling in a Xander ‘n Buffy sandwich.” And he just crossed the line. I give him a little smack on the arm, and the smile on his face gets a little bigger. I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Oh, so you two like it rough, huh? Well then maybe I should stay out of it, I’m a fragile yet manly creature, you know.” I give him a little glare and he gets serious again. “Ok, changing the subject. You got anymore chips?”

(End flashback)

Oh my God! That’s why Matthew thinks I cheated on Faith? All of these years he’s hated Xander because of something we were joking around about? That is just too fucking funny! I start laughing a little bit and Faith looks over at me like I’m crazy. The way Matthew told that story makes it sound like I was ready to let Xander impregnate me right there on the couch, but that is so far from the truth. But I’m laughing way too hard to let her know that. She’s starting to get a little pissed off, I can tell that by the cute little scowl on her face. I try to get my laughter under control, but it doesn’t work. The harder I fight it the more I need to laugh. After all of this time, after all of these years of wondering why my little boy hates his uncle Xander so much this is the reason. I’m sorry, but it’s just too much to handle right now.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I say and walk over to Matthew. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him close to me. I’m still laughing a little bit, and I know he’s completely confused. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I’m sorry.” I pull back from the hug and cup his cheek with my hand. “Matthew, me and Xander were just joking around. We weren’t serious. He thought you looked a little like him so we were talking about a pretend affair, but sweetie I would never cheat on Mama.” I hug him again and this time he hugs me back. “It was just a dumb joke. I was just messing around with him. I’m sorry you thought we were being serious.” I give him an extra squeeze and he squeezes me back a little tighter then he normally does. I guess he’s trying to show off. He’s really strong, probably the strongest slayer in history, and that scares me a little bit. But I know he would never use his strength against us so I’m not too worried about it.

“You make me laugh, and I love you for it,” I say and give him a kiss on the cheek. He pulls his head back pretty fast and I can’t help but roll my eyes. He may not like mother kisses anymore, but he’s my baby so he’ll just have to learn to deal with it. It doesn’t matter how old he gets, he could be thirty years old coming home for Thanksgiving and I’m still going to be giving him kisses on his cheek. Anyway, I let him go and look over at Faith. She has this total ‘what the fuck?’ look on her face. I raise an eyebrow and she gets a big smile on her face. She laughs a little bit and just like that I’m laughing again. I can’t help it. After all of that tension it feels really good to laugh.

“Damn B, you really did that to Xan-man?” she asks and I nod my head. My laughter is finally starting to go away, which as this point is a good thing. It would be nice to breathe sometime soon. “Nice.” She holds out her fist and we bump knuckles. Before I can pull my hand away she grabs onto my wrist and pulls me to her. She gives me a little kiss on the lips, but nothing too deep. She ends it before I even get the chance to respond. “I should probably tell him sorry for punching him in the face.” She doesn’t sound too regretful and I understand. If someone was accused of sleeping with my wife and I believed it I would knock them the fuck out. She looks over at Matthew and her expression gets pretty serious. I kinda like it when she gets all ‘mom’ on the kids. All serious and a little demanding, totally sexy. “You need to apologize too. Now that this shit’s straightened out there’s no reason for you to be rude to him, you got that?” Oh yeah, totally sexy.

FPOV

“Alright, this is the last one,” I say and hand Mattie a bag from Xander’s trunk. I’ve never seen a guy pack so much fuckin stuff for one trip. He’s only gonna be here for two weeks. I pack less shit then this, and I’m a girl. But whatever. It’s not like this shit is heavy or anything, I’m a slayer after all. Xander keeps insisting that he can lift his own bags but the doctor said he shouldn’t be lifting anything heavy until he fully recovers from the concussion. Yeah, oops my bad, right? But I’m making it up to him a little bit. I don’t know exactly how to show that I’m sorry after knockin his ass out, so I’m letting him stay in one of the empty apartments. Figured this way I could save him some money ‘cause now he doesn’t have to stay at a hotel.

“I can get that one. It’s not even heavy,” he says and steps forward. I give him a little glare and he sighs and backs away. “If this is how the mini-slayers are treated no wonder so many of them rebel.” I glare at him again, a real fuckin ugly ass glare, and he just smiles and shakes his head a little bit. “I wasn’t talking about you.” Yeah, right, sure he wasn’t. “I’m sure these girls love you to death.” They do kinda love me. It’s pretty awesome. I’m like the badass aunt Faith who lets them stay out late and doesn’t get on their ass when they come back with a hickey on their neck. As long as they get their work done and don’t bitch about training I got no problem looking the other way when it comes to the little stuff. If one of ‘em gets pregnant on my watch there’ll definitely be a scolding.

“Sure Xan-man, whatever you say.” I close the trunk, and pick up the two suitcases off of the ground. The room is set up already so we don’t have to worry about that. It’s probably a little girlier then what he’d like, but B insisted on decorating the place when we first got it. I didn’t really care either way, but the rooms do look a little too girly. I let B win that argument ‘cause when she’s in the mood to nest I’d rather have her take it out on something other then my house. Yeah I know a lot of the furniture and shit B picked out, but when it comes down to it she only thinks she’s in charge. But whatever. There’s no reason to be talkin about this shit.

We start haulin the last of the bags up to the room and I can’t help but smile. Mattie’s not happy that I’m making him help and he either thinks I can’t hear him mumbling under his breath or he just doesn’t give a fuck. I’m gonna go with the first one, ‘cause Mattie doesn’t complain about shit like this ‘cause he knows I’ll give him ‘the look’. That look that just screams “shut the fuck up, and get it done already”. I know I sounded all pissed off earlier when I got all demanding and told him he had to apologize, but on the inside I was fucking smiling. Yeah I know he whooped Xander’s ass, and violence is wrong, blah-blah-blah, but he stood up for what he believed and I’m so fucking proud of him. He kept his mouth shut for all these years and I’m gonna have a talk with him about that, but he kicked Xander’s ass ‘cause he thought the guy fucked his mom. Trust me, I’m fucking proud.

It doesn’t take us very long to get everything in the room and Xander starts unpacking right away. He’s pretty fuckin tired and just wants to get it over with so he can sleep. I gave him some painkillers ‘cause of his face. Nothing too strong or anything. I don’t want him takin too many and dying ‘cause if B found out I was the one who gave him the pills that would definitely be a fight. I would rather not fight with Buffy right now since things have been goin so good. Well, I’m definitely gonna have to apologize a little for not believing her, but I already got that all figured out. She’s probably expectin something cliché like chocolates, or flowers and all of that girly crap. But nope. I’m smarter then that. I’m making up for it right now, actually. I’m letting her have the house all to herself.

I know that doesn’t sound like much, but trust me it is. After I train with some of the girls here I’m going to pick Joey up from daycare, pick Addy up from Brad’s house, and then we’re going out to dinner. After dinner we’ll probably go see a movie or something. We haven’t been out to a movie in a long time. Anyway, the whole point is that I’m going to give Buffy a couple hours of alone time in the house. This way she can take a nice long bath, and just relax. Today’s been a pretty stressful day, and she already a little stressed out before we got home. She hates just sitting around with nothing to do. B’s the kind of person who needs to keep her mind busy so she starts to go a little insane. But now she has something to do. She’s going to relax while I spend time with the kids.

I’m going to try and make it nice for all three of them since it’s kind of Mattie’s last day of freedom. He’s going to be grounded for a very long time because of what he did. I know I said that I’m proud of him but that doesn’t mean there are going to be no consequences for his actions. If I really wanted to I could call Giles and talk with him about it. Whenever one of the girls start acting up, and it happens ‘cause they’re teenagers, they get sent to “slayer boot camp”. It’s basically a month and a half of drills, homework, and doing all of the grunt work around the facility. You know, laundry, dishes, helping unload the food when it comes in, repairing things in the buildings, stuff like that. But I think I’ll just have him do that kind of shit around here. Maybe if I work it would just right I won’t have to do anything for a while and I can spend some more time with B.

Alright, I guess it’s time I introduce Xander to the girls. They’re in the training room right now on the bottom floor. I didn’t tell them that a guy is going to be moving in. I told them that I needed to have a meeting with them and that’s where I wanted to meet. I knew if they saw him before I can explain then they’d get all…I honestly don’t know. The younger girls might get very swoony. It is Xander Harris that I’m leaving in their building. You should hear the talk about him at the slayer school. ‘Xander’s so brave. He’s just a human, but he saved Buffy Summers when the Master killed her for a minute. And I heard he saved Faith from this demon from the Sisterhood of Jhe. He’s so dreamy.’ Yeah, I know. Those girls really do have quite the imagination. I mean, seriously, Xander saving me? Well, he did kind of save me, but whatever.

Anyway, we walk down to the training room together, me out in front because the boys definitely know that I’m in “slayer mode” now. When we walk into the room no one is really paying attention. A couple of the girls are sparring, and the rest are working out. I guess they got bored waiting for us. Michaela is doing is stretches. She has one leg straight up in the air, so her knee is like right by her face. God damn, that girl is limber. I can feel Mattie tense up a little bit, and I really try to ignore it. I get that my little boy is growing up and he thinks girls are sexy now, but I don’t really want to hear him react to a girl. That’s a little weird. I’m sure being here with me is weird for him since I’m his mom, and he’s in a room with very limber, good looking girls.

“Alright everybody, listen up,” I say pretty loud and everyone stops what they’re doing. I love being able to do that. They all look over and like I said, a few of the younger ones are very glad to see Xander. “Thanks for showing up last minute like this. I’m sure you guys have better things to do then listen to me talk.” Yeah right, that’s totally doubted. “Xan-man here is in town for a few days and he’s going to be staying here.” Lily does not look happy about that at all. She stands up from the bench, and she looks really tense. What the fuck is her problem? I guess we’re about to find out.

“You’re serious about this?” she asks and trust me she doesn’t sound happy at all. She walks up to me and she’s only like a foot away. I don’t know what her problem is but she needs to back up before she gets punched. “You’re just going to let a guy stay here in an apartment complex full of teenage girls? Did you fucking hit your head on the way here?” Ok she seriously needs to chill the fuck out right now. The way she’s looking at me she’s totally challenging my authority. She needs to respect my authorita! Haha, oh man, I am one silly bitch. That’s for damn sure.

“Xander’s not some fuckin perv. If you want some rules set up, then we can set up some rules, but you need to back the fuck off. You got me?” I ask and raise an eyebrow. I’m staring her right in the eyes, and my shoulders are squared. I’m in a total defensive pose, and she can tell I’m getting ready to strike. But she still doesn’t back down. It’s almost like she’s asking me to kick her ass. I swear, this chick is damaged on a whole new level if she thinks she can take me on and live. The look on her face change a little bit, and she glances over my shoulder. She gets a fuckin death glare, and it’s safe to say she’s looking at Xander now.

“Fine. He can stay.” Like she has a fucking choice in the matter. I guess she kind of does. I mean, if she really wanted to she could kick Xander out after I leave and without a phone he wouldn’t be able to tell me what’s going on. In this hypothetical situation Xander doesn’t have a cell phone, when in reality he does. And his is better then mine! I totally need to buy a new one. I totally have ADD. “He can train down here if he wants when the girls aren’t using it, but if I catch him in any of the girls’ rooms without me there to keep an eye on him he’s gone.” Alright, that sounds pretty fair. I nod my head a little and she takes a few steps back. Then she walks up to Xander and she looks so fuckin pissed off. It’s kind of funny to see since she’s way shorter then the Xan-man. My eyebrows can’t help but furrow when her face softens a little bit. Awww, looks like she has a soft spot for Xander, and doesn’t want to see him all beat up.

“I meant what I said. If you need to go in any of the girls’ rooms for any reason whatsoever then I have to be there too.” What is it with her? I guess she really doesn’t trust guys all that much. That ex of hers really fucked her up. I wonder if she’s been seeing the psychologist. I told G man that it would be a must even though I wouldn’t tell him what we talked about that night we got drunk together. Man that was one fucked up night. But whatever. It was forever ago so why dwell on it now? I think junior here will calm down when she sees that Xander’s not a perv, and when her feathers are all unruffled I’m sure she’ll be wooed by him in no time. The rest of the girls have no problem with him being here, that’s for sure. Some of them are whispering to each other right now and giggling. Wait a second, what the fuck? They’re whispering and giggling and looking at Mattie. Damn, my boy is gonna be a little heartbreaker. But that’s kind of expected. He is half me, ya know.

“Don’t worry, I’ll only go in there if my manly skills are needed.” Fuck! He just stepped right into a bear trap with that one. Lily’s body tenses up even more and she looks like she’s going to hit him. Xander gets a freaked out look on his face ‘cause I guess he knows he kinda fucked up. He takes a step back and gets that big nervous smile on his face that I think is pretty adorable. And Lily must think so too ‘cause her shoulders are relaxing a little. “And by manly skills I mean unclogging toilets and fixing things that may be broken. I can also put up shelves. Many a person has been impressed with my shelf building ability.” I can’t help but smile at that, and if I’m not mistaken, which I’m totally not, I think Lily just relaxed a little more too. Hmm, I think I’ll have to have a talk with her about this later.

“Whatever. Just stay out of the way, and don’t make too much noise. The girls have to study for a test tomorrow.” Test? Since when is there a test? Ah, I think I know what she’s doing. She’s lying just so he’ll behave himself. I don’t think she needs to do that. She’s already scared him half to death. I’m sure all she has to do is snap her fingers and he’ll ask how high she wants him to jump. Man this is going to be fun to watch. If I had known Lily was going to act like this I would’ve told Xander he could stay here sooner. I know I sound pretty mean right now but after the day I’ve had I could really use a good laugh. And watchin Xander get bossed around by a girl like that is very entertaining.

“I’m also told I have cat like quietness,” he says and takes another step back. “You won’t even know I’m here. And besides I’ll probably only be here to sleep, and shower, possibly eat. I’m visiting my friends so I might not even have time to build shelves, or unclog the toilets.” Man he’s so fuckin nervous. Should I step in and help him out? Nah, I’ll wait. The girls start bitching about the test that Lily lied about just now but one glare from her and they’re all quiet. Fuck, she definitely has them under her thumb. And I thought I was a badass leader. It normally takes them a little longer to stop bitching when I glare. Hmmm, I’ll have to brush up on my glaring skills later. I hope I don’t accidentally burn myself or something because some of my glares are wicked nasty.

“Just get the fuck out of my way,” she says and Xander jumps off to his right. She stomps passed him and on her way out of the room she slams the door closed. I wince a little bit at the loud ass sound that it made. See, she slammed it really fuckin hard, and the frame just broke. Fuck, Giles is going to be pissed if we have to get someone out here to fix that. I sigh, and look over at Xander. He still looks scared as hell, but when he looks over at the door and sees that it’s broken he’s very glad to have a distraction. At least he looks happy about that door, and that’s the only reason I can come up with as to why he’d be happy.

“You think you got time to fix the door?” I ask and he nods his head a little bit. He still looks afraid but now that El Bitcho has left the room he doesn’t look as scared. Maybe I should leave Mattie here as a body guard for Xander? Nah, ‘cause he’ll probably tell Lily that Xander touched one of the girls in her “special place” just so she’ll kill him. “The tools are in the closet, we’ll probably have to make a run to Home Depot, though.” Ha, that kinda rhymed. He just nods his head again and I shake mine. What the fuck got into that girl? I’ll definitely have to get her drunk tonight. Maybe then she’ll tell me.

LPOV

What the fuck is going on, who’s touching me? I groan a little bit, and bury my head under the pillow. No one should be touching me ‘cause everyone knows I hate being touched in the morning. In the morning you’re all tired and not at the top of your game, why would you want someone to touch you when you feel all…vulnerable? This is so annoying. And I know it’s not Jasper because he had to learn the hard way that when you wake a sleeping slayer you might get thrown against a wall. I move my legs around to try and get the thing to go away. It doesn’t. It’s starting to touch me more. I’m lying on my stomach and the blanket is pulled down so my entire back is exposed. What the fuck is touching me? I try as hard as I can to place the feeling that’s happening on my back, but I can’t. So I groan again and move around a little. Aww, that’s better. Now maybe I can get back to sleep.

“You can go back to sleep if you want to be a lazy bones, but if you get up I promise omelets, and hot coffee.” Oh! My! God! Last night comes rushing back to me in one big WHOOSH, and I think I just pissed the bed. I remember yelling, there was lots and lots of yelling. And then there was kissing, and undressing, and grunting, and some of the best sex I’ve ever had. Then again I don’t got a whole lot to compare it to. The double H rule does exist but not all slayers are sluts. Some of us have standards. The touching is back and now I know exactly what it is. It’s the feeling of lips lightly kissing all over my skin. I lift up the pillow a little bit and take a big whiff. Yuck! I really need a shower. Besides my nasty B.O. I also smell sex. It’s all over the sheets and blankets. And that’s not piss I’m laying on. He made me sleep in the wet spot? What a bastard.

I very slowly pull my head out from under the pillow, and lay my head on top of it. I can’t have my face under pillows or blankets for very long or I start to get all claustrophobic. I don’t say anything, and I don’t move. He doesn’t say anything either, he just goes back to kissing my back, but he’s also rubbing it with one hand. I have to admit that feels pretty good. I need to make it stop. He can’t be doing things like this to me. It’s just not fair. I turn a little bit so I can see him. He stops kissing me, but he’s still rubbing my back. I almost forgot what a man’s hands feel like. They’re a little callused and rough, but strong and…soothing, I guess. He has that big goofy smile on his face, and I have to force myself not to smile back.

“Hi,” he whispers and leaves a little kiss on my shoulder. This time I can’t stop myself from smiling. I whisper hi back, and he rests his chin on my shoulder. His hand is still rubbing my back and I close my eyes at the sensation. If he keeps that up I just might fall back to sleep. Not that it would be a bad thing. If I could postpone this whole ‘morning after’ thing for a couple of hours then I would, but I highly doubt that’s going to happen. “I wasn’t joking about that omelet. I make a mean Spanish omelet.” I chuckle a little and scratch at my face. Why is my face always so itchy in the morning? Yep, it gets itchy and I scratch it. Damn that reminds me. I haven’t watched the Simpsons since I was a kid. I loved the ones when they showed the Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. I wonder if they still sell it on DVD. I’ll have to look into that. “I think this might be lulling you.” And just like that, the rubbing is gone.

“I can make waffles if you don’t like omelets, and if you have a waffle iron. Oh! Pancakes. Everybody loves flapjacks.” He sounds just so enthused at the thought of cooking for me and I can’t help but chuckle again. Or maybe it’s just the thought of food that has him so excited? Yeah, let’s hope for that one. I have no idea how I’m going to do this but it needs to be done. I roll over a little more so I can see him better. I use one of my arms to cover myself so at least my nipples aren’t showing. Yeah, I’m a modest person, what of it? “You really aren’t a very talkative person in the mornings are you? Are you afraid of morning breath? Oh God, am I grossing you out right now?” He does that thing where you breathe on your hand and then smell it. To be honest his breath isn’t that bad. Probably way better then mine right now.

“It’s not that,” I say and roll over onto my back. I keep my arm firmly in place. I was kind of hoping he’d back off a little bit, but no such luck. He’s resting his head on my stomach now and it feels a little weird. And it tickles a little. But I honestly have no idea how I’m going to say this to him. He’s being so sweet and I’m not the cold hearted bitch that everyone makes me out to be. I act like this for a reason but sometimes I take it a little too far. I don’t wanna be this way but it’s safer. I mean, here he is bein so sweet to me when he doesn’t really have a reason to, and I’m going to be the world’s biggest bitch. I’m going to feel like a steaming mound of dog shit after this. And people wonder why I drink. This makes it pretty obvious. “You don’t have to make breakfast. You can just go.” Ok, I’m giving him an out. Maybe he’s just acting like this to be nice? Let’s hope for that one.

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to,” he says and he has this whole puppy-dog thing going on. It’s like he wants nothing more then to please me. He leaves a little kiss right above my bellybutton and it tickles a little. The muscles jump and twinge, and for some reason I shiver. It definitely isn’t cold in here. That’s the thing I can’t get used to about this town: it’s always fucking hot. “I can stick around for a while. I’m not one of those guys that have to take off in the morning.” Clearly or he would’ve been gone before I was awake. That would’ve made things so much simpler. “So what’ll it be? I can make French toast too. My French toast has earned me bragging rights.” He lays his face against my stomach and I cringe just a tiny bit. Stubble lightly rubbing on soft skin doesn’t work out. Even that little bit of discomfort gives me a good feeling inside. I don’t understand how lesbians can be lesbians. I wouldn’t give up the memories of his strong hands, and muscular body for anything in the world.

“That sounds really nice and everything but….” I stop because he has this little look on his face and I know if I finish this sentence that look will go away and I don’t want to be the reason it dies. I know that sounds really overdramatic, but that’s just how it is. “I’m a take out kinda girl. I don’t have any of that stuff.” I feel like the world’s biggest pussy. I feel like just a giant pussy, and like I should be wearing a cape and run around calling myself Pussy Man, and saying things like “forting crime with my labia of justice”. Why I just thought that I have no fuckin clue. I always think weird shit in the morning. I need to just tell him. I don’t think he’s going to be leaving any time soon if I don’t just rip the bandage off and get it over with. I take a deep breath and work on making my skin extra thick. “I think you should just go.” I look away from him but I can feel his gaze on me.

“What? How come?” he sounds a little hurt now and I can’t just lay here. I sit up and it forces him to get off me. I’m glad he isn’t touching me anymore. I was starting to feel suffocated. I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and put my feet on the floor. Now that my back is to him I can put my arm down now. I look around the room but I don’t see my clothes anywhere. Oh, that’s right. We took them off in the living room. Dammit. We had sex in more then just the bedroom. The living room is going to smell like him too. I think I need to switch apartments. I don’t know if anything will be strong enough to get rid of the smell. I’m a slayer so my sense of smell is way better then other peoples.

“I know last night was…” amazing, spectacular, and every other word along those lines that I can’t think of right now. “It was alright, but it didn’t mean anything, ok? So you don’t have to be this nice guy who offers to make me breakfast and who acts like he wants to be around me.” There’s still hope that maybe he’s just acting like this so he doesn’t look like a total asshole. But I doubt it. You don’t get that look on your face if you don’t want to be around the girl you were fucking all night. I feel the bed shift, and then his hand is on my back again, but this time I don’t let him comfort me. I stand up, and pull the sheet off the bed, and wrap it around myself. Like I said, I’ve always been extremely modest. I walk over to my duffle bag and pull out some clothes. I slip into my baggy Black Sabbath shirt, and then my black track shorts.

“Ok, Lily, I’m confused.” Yeah, you really sound like it. I’m not being a bitch, he does sound confused. And I really wish he wouldn’t say my name. I love the way he sounds when he says my name especially when he’s all out of breath and kissing that little spot right behind my ear. I need to stop thinking about it it’s just making this harder. “You were fine just a second ago. Did I do something? You said last night was alright, but it was more then alright. At least I think so.” He sounds so…God, I can’t even describe it. Ok, it’s time to get serious here. This is only going to end if I make it end, and I can do almost anything if I set my mind to it. I take in a deep breath and center myself. And now it’s time to be a bitch. I drop the sheet and turn around. My face is expressionless, and most of my muscles are tense.

“Look, I didn’t mean to fall asleep last night, and if I hadn’t then I woulda asked you to leave then. I’m not the sleep over kinda girl.” God, I feel like such a whore right now. It’s almost like my dad was right and I am nothing but a hole to be fucked. “So just stop with this whole puppy-dog routine and get dressed.” He’s sitting at the foot of the bed completely naked and he’s got some morning wood goin on. It’s kind of distracting right now. “It was just one night, ok? Let’s not give it anymore meaning then what it really is. I had fun, and it was great, but now you gotta go.” He looks like I just kick his dog across the room. What happened to guys being pig headed and just wanting to get laid every once in a while? Why the fuck can’t he just stop looking at me like that?

He starts looking around on the floor. I guess he’s looking for his clothes, but they’re in the living room with mine. I toss him the sheet and he wraps it around his waist as he stands up. He looks really pissed off now. He’s staring me in the eyes, and it’s almost like he’s daring me to keep saying things like this. I really want to say something but I can’t. I want to tell him to leave but my voice box just won’t let me say those words. I cross my arms over my chest and look away. That’s the first time I’ve ever looked away first. At least from a guy. With other slayers I don’t mind doin it so much but I never lose a stare down with a guy. I guess this is completely different though. I can’t think of anything to say so I walk over and open the bedroom door. He sighs very angrily and shakes his head. He walks towards the door, his feet stomping a little, and he reminds me a two-year-old who didn’t get his way.

“I guess everyone was right. You really are Faith Jr.,” he mumbles under his breath, but just loud enough so I can hear. He knows that I heard that. You don’t hang around slayers most of your life and not know what their hearing skills are like. Him saying that was like a stab to the chest and it forces me to suck in a big breath of air. Tears spring to my eyes but I force them to go away. I’ve gotten really good at doing that. I turn and watch him walk across the living room. He gets about seven steps before I find my voice.

“Xander,” I sound so pathetic, and small. I guess my voice didn’t want to be found. But what he said hurt so bad, and I couldn’t stop myself from saying his name. I sound just as hurt as I felt and when he turns around he has a little bit of hope on his face. I just stare at him because now I don’t know what to do. I could look like a total fuckin hypocrite or whatever, and tell him to stay and then he’ll start asking a bunch of questions. Or I can look like the world’s biggest bitch and tell him to go. Why the fuck am I getting so caught up in this shit? We had one fucking night together. One night. It’s not like I’m his girlfriend. It’s not like we had a big summer romance that we finally consummated and now he’s heartbroken. Fuck no. We got into another fight and for some reason this one ended with us fucking like rabbits all over my apartment. I force my emotions back again and look into his eye. “Don’t let the cat out.” Yeah, I know I’m a bitch, what of it?

I close the door and press my back against it. I can hear him getting dressed, and he’s so pissed off I can practically feel the vibes all the way in here. I look over at the bed with the rumbled sheets, and the pillow cases that don’t match and I feel a little empty. I feel really dirty, and I know this isn’t the kinda dirty feeling that can wash off in a very hot shower. I don’t really wanna try either. I don’t wanna be like one of those Lifetime Channel stereotypes of the girl making a big mistake and then curling up in the corner of her shower and letting the scolding hot water burn her skin while she cries. If this is how Faith felt all the time back in Sunnydale, and even before that, then it’s no fuckin surprise she went crazy and tried to take over the world. That reminds me, I should totally buy Pinky and the Brain on DVD. Fuck, stay focused!

I hear him stomp as he leaves, and then the front door slams really hard. I can’t help but wince a little bit and I have no fuckin clue why. Why am I getting so emotional about this? It’s not like I’ve never had a one night stand before. There’s just something about this one that’s different. With the other guy I didn’t feel bad about it in the morning. We both knew the deal before any clothes were taken off. We both said it would just be one night and that was it. Maybe I should’ve done that with Xander? But I didn’t think about that at the time. All I could think about was getting naked as fast as possible so he could fuck me as hard as possible. A little part of me didn’t think he’d be able to keep up with me ‘cause I’m a slayer and he’s not, but he’s got stamina that’s for sure.

I take in a deep breath, and walk out into the living room. It smells like sex out here too, but it’s not as strong as in the bedroom. Probably because that’s where the actual sex took place and out here it was just oral. I sit down on the couch and pull my legs up against my body. I rest my chin on my knees and I take a look around. Everything looks a little different and it’s not just because I’m feeling so shitty. Things are knocked over, the lamp is on the ground and shattered into fifteen huge pieces. I threw the lamp at him and it hit the wall. I’m surprised there’s only fifteen pieces. The books I had organized very neatly on top of the desk are all messed up now. That’s where Xander went down on me. If I look really hard I could probably see where my vag-8 juice dried, but I don’t want to see. I just can’t figure out why I feel like shit. I look over when I feel the cushion shift, and I smile a little.

“Hey buddy, you ready to stop hiding?” I ask Jasper and he meows. He doesn’t sound too happy. I look over at the clock on the wall and hiss in a breath. It’s eleven a.m. and Jasper always eats his breakfast at eight. No wonder he’s so pissed off. The poor boy is probably starving to death. Well, at least he thinks so. He starts yelling at me with that very annoying “feed me or I’ll die!” kind of meow. Anyone who has a cat knows what I’m talking about. I get up and make my way into the kitchen and Jasper beats me there. He runs over to his food bowl and starts rubbing against the counter and looking up at me. “Hold your fuckin horses, I’m getting it.” I swear this cat is just as bad as one of those spoiled kids you see on Super Nanny. That show shows exactly why some mammals eat their young.

“Alright you big cry baby, here you go,” I bend down and pour his food into the little silver bowl. I close the box and stand back up. He sniffs it and then gives me this “what are you, fucking insane?” kinda look. He flicks his tail in a very condescending way. “You know this is why you’re so fat, and I should really stop giving it to you every morning.” I put the box back in the cupboard and walk over to the fridge. He starts meowing again and I just shake my head. “One of these days I’m going to stop giving it to you and you’ll just have to deal with it. It’s not good for you. You don’t wanna die young, do you?” His meows become more urgent and I think I just heard his stomach growl. Or was that him? “Oh, alright. Jeez, don’t have a fucking cow.” I bend down and pour in a little bit of un-whipped whipping cream into the bowl. I gave it to him once with his breakfast when he was a kitten just to see what he would do and ever since then he won’t eat without it.

After I put the carton back in the fridge I hop up on the counter and just look at my cat. He’s been like my best friend for a very long time. I should really thank Faith for making sure Mr. Giles didn’t take him away. This cat has helped me more over the years then any person has in my whole life. He’s always here when I come home, he’s happy to see me when I walk in the door, and he rubs up against me when I’m sad. Or just whenever he wants to. That happens all the time. I’m not gonna lie sometimes he can be an asshole. If he doesn’t want to be touched and you try to pet him he’ll hiss and scratch. But after I got him fixed there’s been a lot less of that. I think it’s kinda fuckin sad that I’m looking for the same qualities in a person that my cat has. I understand that everyone needs human companionship, but why am I so afraid? And how the fuck did things get so out of control last night?

I hop off the counter, and rub Jasper on the back. He does this little high pitched growling noise and it means “leave me alone, I haven’t eaten in days!” I swear this cat acts like I treat him like shit. I would never do anything like that though. He’s my baby. As soon as I stop touching him he stops growling. I like teasing him a little though when he eats ‘cause it’s cute. He acts like he’s starving to death, but last night he had almost half of what was on my plate. Yeah, I share my food with my cat, what of it? The way I see it, it would be boring eating the same stuff over and over again, so why not? God, why am I even thinking about this? I need to stop distracting myself with stupid stuff and just get this day over with. I’m sure tomorrow will be so much fucking better.

I really need to get a shower and wash this horrible morning off me. I still smell like him, and not just the smell of his sweat which isn’t as disgusting at it sounds, but I smell like his body spray too. I don’t know what he uses but it smells really nice and it’s making me feel even worst. I wish I could just shut these feelings off, like flick a switch or something and make them go away, but that’s impossible. There’s more going on here then just me sleeping with him. I just need to be honest about it because there’s no point in trying to hide from myself. That’s just retarded. I don’t know when it happened but I do have feelings for him. And all of these feelings that I have for him are just dragging up old feelings that I’ve had bottled up for years. It’s all coming up to the surface and I can’t make it stop. I’m the queen of repression so why can’t I repress these?!

I turn the water on as hot as it can go, and then strip off my clothes. I feel all…sticky and gross because of the dried sweat. It’s really disgusting and I need to wash it off. I step into the shower and let the hot water burn its way down my body. It hurts a little, but I’m a slayer I can take it. I step forward and let the scolding hot water wash away the phantom feel of his lips on my neck and face. This isn’t working, and it’s pissing me off. Every time I blink I see a little bit of last night. I see the intense look on his face as he stripped my shirt off, I can feel the ferocity of the way he touched my body so desperately as if he’d been dying his whole life just to touch me. But his hands were so gentle. He never even came close to hurting me. I’m surprised I can even describe it, it was just so……well now I can’t think of a good word. Multiply intense by about a thousand and that’s what it was like to be with him.

It wasn’t just the physical stuff that made it so…great, and wonderful, and sensational. He opened up something inside of me that I’ve never felt before. Even when I was in love with Mark, I never felt that way when I was with him. Mark wasn’t a bad lover, and he did satisfy me. The first time we were together wasn’t anything close to what I experienced last night, but he never left me high and dry, I guess is a good way to put it. But that heat, that spark, and fiery feeling I got when Xander was inside of me…I’ve never felt that before in my entire life. And what made it even more incredible was he kept looking into my eyes. He didn’t look into my eyes the whole time, and I didn’t expect him to. But he would rest his forehead on my shoulder, and then leave these little kisses on my neck. They were so soft, and they made me feel so……I don’t even know how to describe it. But those little kisses made it feel like we had been lovers for a long time.

That’s exactly it. They made me feel like I was his lover, like he was coming back to me after a long time gone, and him being inside of me felt so right so……almost familiar. This is so confusing. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, and I want it to stop. He’s just a guy, nothing more. I slept with him in the heat of an argument. It’s been a long time since I’d been with someone, and the fighting got my adrenaline going and all of the other chemicals just started to kind of…flow and it just happened. It’s not like it’s going to happen again. I don’t even want it to happen again. Do you think it could happen again? Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck I’m really feeling or how he’s really feeling. I don’t know why he was so fucking pissed off this morning. It’s not like we’re dating. He doesn’t have a right to be mad. And comparing me to Faith like that, who the fuck does he think he is?

I need to just forget about him. I need to forget that this stupid night ever happened. The sooner I forget the sooner I can get back to just being me. And I’m a kick ass slayer, that’s all I need. Slaying keeps me happy, it gives me a purpose. It’s what I am, and who I am. Being with someone will change all of that, and fuck that. I don’t want to change. I’m happy just the way I am. I don’t need to change, I don’t want to. Does he expect me to just pack up and move with him to California? It’s not like he’s going to leave his daughter behind so he can live at the school, and that’s where I need to be. Well not right now. Right now I need to be here. It’s not as fun because all my friends are back in Ohio, and hanging out with these girls all day gives me a headache, but I love my job. I love teaching them, and slaying vampires, and killing demons, and partying afterwards with my friends.

Being with a guy would complicate all of that. Being with him would screw everything up. Ok, and let’s just say for the sake of argument that I don’t end up with him but I do end up with someone, let’s just think about that possibility for a second. How the hell do you explain to a guy that you fight demons and stop apocalypses for a living? It’s not like I can just semi-retire like Faith and Buffy. I can’t be happy only slaying some of the time, and not really helping out at the school. And if I’m with a guy he’s gonna want to protect me, and he’s going to make me choose between doing what I love, and loving him. I know that Xander’s been with girls who helped out back in Sunnydale. Anya lost her life in the Great Battle, but there’s a huge difference between dating someone who wants to help out, and dating someone who risks their life on a nightly basis. I don’t think even Xander would be cool with that.

Why do I keep thinking about him like that? I don’t want to date him. At least I don’t think I want to date him. It’s just so confusing. I don’t even know him. I’ve heard a lot about him, and how brave he is, and how he was always there to help Buffy out whenever she needed it, but I don’t really know him. I don’t even like him that much, but for some reason whenever I’m around him I get all……like there’s a jackhammer in my stomach or something, and my palms start to sweat, and I get a little dizzy, and…it feels just like I did around Mark. But that doesn’t make any sense. I was friends with Mark for two months before we started dating, and I started to get the jackhammer feeling so none of this makes any sense. Xander being able to make me feel so good doesn’t make any sense. It was like he knew exactly what he was doing. Like he knows all the little tricks to make my body shudder, and quake. This is just too confusing. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

I take my time washing my hair and rinsing out the soup. It’s Sunday so I don’t have anywhere to be. It’s not like we do anything on Sunday. Faith is a firm believer that Sunday is the day of rest so that’s all the girls do on Sundays. They get to just hang out and watch movies, or go shopping, but they don’t slay, they don’t have to do any schoolwork, and they don’t have to train. I think it’s a good idea to have one day out of the week to just do nothing. It gives their brains a chance to chill out so they won’t start feeling stressed, but at the same time I think it’s a bad idea. Up at the slayer school Sundays are viewed as the day to finish up any unfinished schoolwork. But since here isn’t like over there I have absolutely nothing to do.

I could hang out with Willow but I’ve only talked to her like twice so that has potential for being very awkward. She used to come in during some of our classes to see how the teachers were doing, I guess. She never really hung out with anyone but Sky. Everyone thought they were sleeping together already, so when they started dating we were all like ‘yeah, and?’ I guess Sky’s never been with a woman before she hooked up with Willow. I guess she used to have a husband but he died or something. It’s none of my business so I don’t know. I try not to listen to the gossip ‘cause it’s mostly teenage bullshit. Who gives a shit about who someone is dating, or breaking up with, or if someone is gay or not? I think everyone just needs to mind their business and stay the fuck out of everyone else’s.

When people find out about this there’s going to be hell to pay. And yes, I already know tons of people are going to find out about the fact that I had sex with Xander. I live with a bunch of teenage girls who are also slayers, and we were being the extreme opposite of quiet last night. They probably called all of their friends back in Ohio with the big new scandal of the stone cold bitch Lily Montgomery hooking up with the heroic hottie Xander Harris. I’ll be called a slut, everyone will feel bad for him, like I raped him or something, and I know a few people will try to start some shit. The girls at that school can be a little insane sometimes, especially all of the ones who have a crush on Xander.

After I rinse all of the conditioner out of my hair I grab the body wash and put a large glob on the fluffy lather…thing. I don’t know what the fuck it’s called. Anyway, I rub the soap all over my body I really hope the fruity smell will either wash away or at least cover up his smell. The exfoliating bead things in the soap make my skin feel a hell of a lot better and for the first time today I feel like I can breathe easy. I take in a deep breath, and the smell of the body wash cools my senses. I wonder where Buffy bought this. I guess I’ll have to look around ‘cause this stuff smells great. I guess I’ve been in here longer then I thought ‘cause the water is starting to get cold. I quickly rinse all of the suds off my body and turn off the faucets. I don’t get out right away. I just stand here and let the water drip down my body. Get your minds out of the gutter. This totally isn’t a sexy situation. Unless you think a woman on the brink of tears is sexy.

Maybe some of the girls will hang out with me today. We spend so much time together that maybe they won’t want to. I’ve made it very clear that we have a strictly teacher-student relationship or whatever so I don’t think they’d be comfortable hanging out with me. I’m not like Faith, I can’t hang out with my students and be totally relaxed. I’m constantly worried that something bad is going to happen and that I’m going to have to save them, especially with these girls. They’re here for a reason, and that reason is because they haven’t improved at all in the fighting department. No one really knows why, but we all think it has to do with some psychological reason, and that’s why Mr. Giles sent them here to spend some time with Faith. The girls open up to her, they like talking to her and being around her because to her they’re just another one of the girls. She treats them like everyone should be treated, but for whatever reasons the rest of us are having a little trouble doing that.

It’s not so much that I can’t relate to them, because I’m young enough that I remember exactly what it’s like to be in high school, and have to deal with the slaying and the book learning, and dealing with friends and all of the other teenage angst. So I get all of that because I went through it just a couple of years ago. But even when I was a teenage girl I never really got along with teenage girls. I guess because I had to grow up so fast I was always more mature then them and listening to them bitch about their stupid little problems always made me mad. So what if your dad won’t let you use the car? There’s probably a good fucking reason for it. So I tend to distance myself from the younger girls because we have almost nothing in common. I’ve always gotten along with older people both men and women, a lot better because of the whole mature level thing.

None of that means I don’t want to be here with these girls because I do, but I just don’t really get along with them on a personal level and I don’t think they’ll want to go out somewhere with me. It could be really awkward since none of us really have anything in common. At least it feels that way. I really wish I had someone I could talk to. Faith is gone. They’re in Ohio for Addison’s birthday. Why they went over there for her birthday I don’t know. She said something about wanting to see Mr. Giles, but we were talking on the phone and the kids were fighting so it was hard to hear. Joey is one of the cutest little boys on the planet but he can be such a brat. Faith has brought him with her a couple of times and that kid is going to be really good at training. They don’t train him yet because he’s so young, but some of the girls were playing around with him and he picked up very quick on their moves and started copying them.

Being around Faith’s kids, especially Addison, always makes me a little sad. I know that probably sounds a little strange but that’s the truth. Being around them and seeing them so happy and seeing Faith being the great mom that she is…I can’t help but think about my little girl. I would’ve had a daughter but she was taken from me. I miscarried in the bathtub at that shitty motel in Philadelphia. So many things run through my mind whenever I start thinking about her. I’m pretty sure I would’ve gotten pregnant even if we hadn’t run off together. We were having sex on a pretty regular basis, and the chances of us getting drunk on my birthday and forgetting to use a condom were pretty high even if we weren’t living by ourselves. I think if we hadn’t run off together I wouldn’t have been so stressed out all of the time because of that shitty job. I think if we had stayed and I had gotten pregnant I would’ve been able to hold my baby girl in my arms instead of staring at her dead body at the bottom of the tub.

I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around myself. I really just want this fucking day to end, and it’s only beginning. Maybe I should just crawl back into bed and forget all about it. That sounds really nice. But wait, I can’t crawl back into my bed because that’s where his smell is the strongest. Damn, I really need to get a new fucking apartment. There are a bunch of empty ones but this one is the farthest away from everyone else so it’s the quietest. That’s why Faith picked this one to be the intern’s place. All of the other rooms are really close to the one Xander is staying in. Maybe I should just wash everything and spray the place down with bleach. That could work. Either that or kill Jasper, and no thank you. What the fuck am I going to do? It’s not like I can just crash at Faith’s place while they’re gone because they’re coming back in two days so there’s pretty much no point.

I guess I’ll have to do what everyone else does after a one nigh stand and wash the sheets myself. I wonder where Xander is right now. Mr. Giles is pretty cheap when it comes to spending the Council’s funds so the only washer and dryer are downstairs. I really, really don’t want to run into him today, even though that’s going to be really hard. We’re staying in the same building. His apartment is right down the hall and to the right so it’s not like we’re never going to see each other as long as he’s staying here. We could bump into each other in the hall, or at the front doors, or if I go down to the training room, or the laundry room. Why does this place suddenly feel very small? Hmmm, maybe I could pay one of the girls twenty bucks to wash my sheets and blankets for me? Nah, those girls are lazy bitches, they’ll never do it even if I offer them fifty.

When I walk into my room I go straight for the duffle bag. I don’t even look at the bed. I really don’t want to see it right now because just being in this room and smelling all of the different scents mixed together…it’s like torture, and I have no idea how I’ve managed to not run from the room. I grab some clothes from the bag and run back into the bathroom. This is the only room in the entire apartment that doesn’t smell like Xander. Ok, so what am I supposed to do, stay in here until it’s time to go back to Ohio? I really don’t think that’s possible. Jasper knows how to open the fridge, but he just eats the left over meat that I put in there. He won’t actually bring me food or anything. At least I don’t think so. Nah, he’d get like halfway to the bathroom and then get hungry and eat it himself. He’s a cat that loves his food probably more then he loves me.

I get dressed and start getting ready to leave. Sky is all pregnant and a little crazy because of all the hormones but maybe she’ll want to hang out. We’re not like B.F.F.’s or anything, but we used to hang out at the school sometimes. We had some classes together and sometimes after we’d go out for a drink. She stopped hanging out with a lot of her friends when she started seeing Willow, but I guess that’s just how it goes. You start dating someone and you want to be around them most of the time since they’re your person. It was kind of weird when she started dating Willow. Not because they’re both girls but because of the whole teacher student relationship thing. Then again Sky wasn’t a student when they got together since she was like…I don’t know, in her late twenties. But it’s still weird since they’re like ten years apart. Willow definitely wouldn’t be the first teacher to sleep with a student. Everybody knows that Mr. Tinsdale takes sexual favors from girls desperate enough to get their grades up.

The point I was trying to make was I don’t think Sky is going to want to hang out. It’s not like she’s huge or anything. She’s almost six months pregnant and has a little bump going on. It’s big enough so everyone can tell that she’s pregnant but she can still see her feet. At least I think she can. I saw her a couple weeks ago so she might’ve grown since then. I don’t like being around pregnant women that much. I know that sounds a little weird but being around a pregnant woman always makes me think about my baby. Sometimes I think about what it’s like to have a little life growing inside you, and how I missed out on that. I wonder what it would’ve been like if I didn’t have a miscarriage, and that makes me really fucking sad. Sometimes it makes me think about the miscarriage itself and sometimes I flip out when I think about that. I don’t get violent or anything, I’m really not a Faith Jr. It’s just sometimes when I think about the miscarriage I can’t breathe, and I feel like I’m going to pass out, and my whole body starts shaking.

The psychologist at the school said that I have panic attacks because I still have a lot of unresolved feelings about the miscarriage and my baby’s death. Well duh! I don’t think it takes a professional to figure that the fuck out. Did she get her degree off the internet or something? But whatever. I shouldn’t get pissed off at her. She’s not the problem, and I know that. It’s just easier to take it out on other people sometimes. Hmmm, maybe I really am Faith Jr.? Nah, I couldn’t be a Faith Jr. I could never kill a person no matter how much I wanted someone to love me. Oh yeah, I said it. Mmmhmmm, that’s what I said. Everyone always freaks out about Faith killing Alan Finch because he was the Deputy Mayor or some shit like that. That’s just kinda how it goes. Kill someone who’s “important” and everyone freaks out. But that was an accident. She didn’t handle it very well, but I don’t think any of them did. No, the real evil is her killing that professor because that she did out of cold blood. I could never do that.

When I finish getting all of my make up on I take a good look at myself and everything just looks different. I don’t know exactly what it is, but it’s almost like I’m looking at someone else. Like this is someone else’s life I’ve stumbled into and now I have to deal with all this shit. I guess this morning was a big revelation for me. My therapist would be so proud. And yes that was sarcastic. To be honest I haven’t felt like myself for a very long time. I think what happened last night just brought everything out to the surface. All of those little boxes I had all my issues locked up tight in opened and now I can’t force them to go back inside. I don’t know how to deal with them, that’s for fucking sure. That’s the whole point of locking something away in the first place. I inspect every inch of my face, but the things I concentrate most on are my eyes. They just look so…void, I guess is the right word. How long have they looked like this?

Ok, I need to get the fuck out of here. This place is started to feel very suffocating and I can’t stand it. I leave the bathroom and wander back into the kitchen. Jasper is finished with his breakfast and he’s sitting on the counter cleaning off his face. I don’t like it when he gets up on the counter but I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I open up the fridge and take a look inside. I don’t have a whole lot of food. I wasn’t lying when I told him that this morning. I only buy enough to last me through the week and on Saturdays I go grocery shopping. Maybe I should do that. I need to just stick to my routine and try to pretend that this God awful mistake never happened. He’s not even going to be here for that much longer. He’s going back to California in a couple of days, and then everything will be fine again.

So, I need to come up with some sort of plan for the day. What? This is how I get organized, don’t judge me. I am not too anal about things. I like having structure, and I like knowing what I need to do otherwise I feel all…rudderless. And yeah, I know how retarded that sounds. Ok, anyway, let’s get on with this. The first thing I need to do is get something to eat. My stomach has been growling at me for the last fifteen minutes. After I get something to eat, probably just at that little diner Faith is always going on and on about, I’ll get some shopping done. After I got grocery shopping I’ll wash up those sheets and blankets…………No. I’m going to just buy new sheets and blankets before I go grocery shopping and burn the others. Ok maybe not burn them but I’ll throw them out. If Buffy gets pissed that I bought new sheets that’s her problem. I have no idea how to get the smell out of the rooms though. Maybe Oust? I don’t know what to use.

I grab my keys off the end table next to the door and I lock it on my way out. I really hope I don’t run into him. I’m sure he has a million places to be right now. I mean, he’s been spending a lot of time with Willow since they haven’t seen each other for a couple of years or whatever, so I’m sure that’s where he is. Yep, just hanging out with Willow and nowhere near the building. So there’s no way I can run into him because he’s not here. Nope. No way. It’s completely impossible. Alright so that’s just really wishful thinking. Maybe if I run out of the building really fast no one will see me? No, I think that would be a little crazy. And possibly dangerous because if I run down these stairs as fast as I can the possibility of not being able to stop and hitting the wall at the bottom is pretty high, and I’d rather not crash through a wall this morning. That would just be a little melodramatic.

(The following night)

This right here is what I’m meant to do. This is what I was made for. This is who and what I am. I am the huntress. I am the thing that the monsters fear. I am the thing that keeps them creeping under the beds of little children, afraid to come out into the night to take me on. I am a wolf, and these are my hunting grounds. I stalk my way through the cemetery trying to get a read on everything. My mind is completely focused on the hunt and the little thrill I always get from this delicious suspense. The cemeteries in Lincoln, Nevada aren’t as…exciting as the cemeteries in Cleveland. The variety of demons isn’t as wide but that’s perfectly fine with me. Right now is more about a mental challenge then it is a physical. I need to force myself to stay focused and forget about everything that’s happened since Friday night when I took Xander to bed with me. If I get distracted by any of that shit then I could die and that would suck.

Ever since the resurrection of Buffy it is a very strict and punishable by death rule that no slayer killed in the line of duty is to be brought back. Mr. Giles made that rule for a reason, and it’s understandable. Buffy was in heaven and she was ripped out of it because of her friends. Bringing her back fucked everything up, and it’s the reason the First was so powerful. I’m glad she was brought back though, and I’m glad everything was so fucked up. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad that she went through hell and all of that shit, but if the balance hadn’t been tipped so drastically then they wouldn’t have done that spell to make every potential on earth a slayer. If they hadn’t done that spell I wouldn’t be what I was meant to be. And if I didn’t have this, if I didn’t have this chill running down my spine or the feel of the cool wood clutched loosely in my hand I’d probably be living on the street, or in prison, or dead.

I don’t know if anyone has tried to bring anybody back, but I sure haven’t. It’s one of the first things they tell you when you show up at the school. Mr. Giles sits you down in his office and explains all of the ground rules, ya know, no running in the halls or putting gum under the desks, and no sneaking off at night to slay by yourself no matter how strong the urge is. After he does that he starts explaining the rules about magic. He tells you that he understands some girls are going to be curious and want to practice magic just to see what they can do. He says that he understands some girls have been practicing at home and would like to continue. He tells you that he also understands that some girls are going to die in the line of duty and there’s nothing we can do about it. He says that even if the girl is your best friend, your sister, your cousin, your lover it doesn’t matter what they mean to you, you have to let them go and somehow move on.

I know it sounds a little…callous but he says all of that in a very gentle tone, and when he told me I nodded my head ‘cause I agreed with him. It doesn’t sound like a big deal but it was at the time because this is when I was a little rebel and refused to agree with anything an adult had to say. After the gentle speech he gets a little…scary. I know it sounds retarded because he’s Mr. Giles but trust me that guy is fuckin intimidating when he wants to be. He looks you dead in the eyes and he explains that there are ways to bring a person back, but most of them turn out wrong, and even if you are magically strong enough to bring them back there’s a great chance you’ll be taking them out of a better place. The look he gets on his face, and that hard, cold expression he gets in his eyes as he tells you if you do try to bring someone back you will be killed as a punishment…I never want to see him look at me that way again.

I’m snapped out of that memory when I feel that teasing little prickle at the back of my neck and my entire body tenses up. I stop moving and just concentrate on the feeling. It’s a little weak, and not very intense, so I’d guess a vampire about two hundred feet to my right. My toes curl a little bit and my fingers instinctively tighten around my stake. My heart starts racing as I become in tune with the vampire that’s decided to come to this cemetery. He’s not a newbie that much I can tell, but he isn’t very old either. I’d guess he or she has been a vampire for maybe fifty years, possibly a little longer. It sounds old but trust me, that’s a kid compared to other vampires. I can feel the cold death of his being brush against my warm skin. I can see a little of his surroundings. There’s a tombstone with an angel on top of it. It’s about three feet tall, and very old. I can feel the fiery liquid running across my tongue, and smoothly down my throat. Fuck, he’s feeding!

I open my eyes and take off like a shot towards the vampire. I can feel exactly where he is so I won’t need to look around. I know him now, and yes I even know for sure he’s a man. I have his scent, his taste, the fell of him is all embedded inside my brain, and I know the woman he’s feeding off of doesn’t have long. I honestly don’t think I’ll make it in time. At just the thought of that I reach down deep and find some inner strength, and use the anger and frustration I’ve been feeling since Saturday morning to make myself run faster. I rip the air around me from its resting place into my lungs, and it burns its way through my system, and I’m not even tired yet. I could go on like this for hours. There’s something that no one likes to talk about, something about the “new generation” of slayers that the Scoobies don’t discuss anymore because of what happened two years after the spell took place. I wasn’t there so I don’t know exactly what happened but I’ve talked to some slayers who were there and it was pretty fuckin brutal.

See, there are some downsides to Willow’s spell, downsides that no one even thought of when they decided to cast it. They thought that all of the potentials would just be turned into slayers like Buffy and Faith were. Everyone thought they would just get this huge power surge and then be fine just like Buffy and Faith. But that’s not exactly what happened. Some girls were given so much power their bodies couldn’t handle it and they died. Some girls were already mentally unhealthy and becoming a slayer just tipped them over the edge. There was this one girl who was brought to the facility from LA, and she was very insane. She was so far gone and no one could reach her. Again this is just what I heard ‘cause I wasn’t there. Anyway, Buffy was starting to regret the decision because all of these damaged girls were coming in, and becoming slayers just made them so much worst.

Mr. Giles thought it would be best if they ended that one girl’s misery because she wasn’t going to get any better. Buffy made another of her famous speeches after that saying “we did this to them. I did this to them” and how it wasn’t fair that they had to suffer because of something they did. I don’t know what happened to the girl after that, but I do know that even now there are slayers being called that have special abilities, and certain powers that “normal” slayers don’t. I’m one of those people. I can hone in on a vampire or demon and I know things about it that other slayers could never know unless they fight it. Take this vampire for example. I know how strong he is, I know his weaknesses, and I know exactly how far away he is from me. Sounds pretty awesome, right?

Well, here’s the downside to it. I can see his victims, every single one of them. I can see him ripping their throats out, and raping them as he feeds. I know that’s not happening to this girl, and I’m glad because if this thing were to lay his hands on her like that she wouldn’t want to be alive afterwards. I hit a small patch of trees and easily make my way around them. It isn’t too difficult, and I’m grateful for that because every second it takes me to get there the closer this woman is slipping to her death. I know that sounds all dramatic, but this is the life of a slayer, bloody and dramatic. I wouldn’t give this up for the world though, because this is me. This is everything that I stand for, everything I could ever want, and this vamp is about to find out exactly what I’m made of.

I burst out of the trees and grab the vamp by the back of his neck. I can feel him tense with surprise, and I squeeze so fucking hard he’s forced to let go of the woman in his arms. I see her fall to the ground out of the corner of my eye, and I concentrate on eliminating the threat. Some slayers like to do the whole ‘playful banter’ thing. Some of them like to beat up on the vampires and demons before they kill them, but I think that’s pretty pointless. Why play with your food when you can just enjoy eating it? Ok, that came out totally wrong and disgusting. What I mean is, why make it longer then it has to be? The killing is the best part because it’s such a rush. Your stake goes into the vampire’s cold, dead heart, and it’s like every molecule in your body freezes for a few seconds until the body turns to dusk and fades into nothing but a pile of ashes.

I throw the vampire a good six feet and get into a defensive pose. My blood is rushing through my veins, and pounding in my ears, but I force myself not to focus on it. Sometimes the fight can get so intense I feel like I’m having an out of body experience and I’m tempted to just sit back and watch it happen. But I can’t do that. I can’t lose my focus for a second with this one because he’s strong, and his weakness is going to be hard to get to. He jumps off the ground and he’s already in game face. He has blood slowly dribbling down his chin in two little streams out of the corners of his mouth. They meet at the bottom and then drip down onto his shirt. The smell of it is heavy in the air, and my muscles twitch as we stare each other down. I stare straight into his hungry yellow eyes and the hateful look in them sends a little shiver own my spine.

He makes the first move like I knew he would. Letting out a primal growl he lunges at him with all of his strength and enough speed to make me stumble back when he collides. I so wasn’t ready for that. I know he’s strong but I wasn’t expecting this. He has me by the shoulders and takes advantage of the fact that I’m surprised. He goes for my throat with those nasty bloodstained teeth and for a second a panic. For a second a little thought flutters through my mind. For a second I think I’m going to die. But the thought, and moment passes and before he can connect I head butt him, and then bring my knee up hard and fast into his groin. He’s momentarily stunned and I pull my fist back and punch him in the fact as hard as I can. He stumbles back, and he doesn’t recover right away so I keep attacking.

I let out a fury of punches and kicks, and he does his best to block them. He’s doing a good fucking job and I’m hardly hitting anything. He gets a lucky shot, and punches me hard in the face. I stumble back and can’t get my balance and I land hard on my back. I’m literally seeing spots. What next, cartoon birds flying in circles around my head twittering their little bird songs? Damn I think weird things when I get a concussion. I hear a little whimper and I look over to my right. I see the person he was feeding off of and she’s not a woman like I thought. I guess this scenario never entered my mind because I’ve never dealt with this before. The person lying on the ground looking terrified is female, but she can’t be more then eleven years old. She’s holding onto her neck but blood is still flowing out of the wound. He really tore her up. Normally after a vampire lets go the blood will stop flowing after a minute or two, but this bastard dug in and moved his teeth around to make the holes bigger.

I look into the little girl’s brown eyes that are huge with fright, and a rage starts to slowly build inside of me. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve been angry before, and I’ve been mad and pissed off and upset, but this is totally different from all of those feelings. This is an actual thing. It’s taking me over from the inside out. It’s like a burning ball inside of my stomach, making the muscles tighten and scream in pain. It’s quickly working its way through the rest of my body, and it’s getting really hard to breathe. All I can see are those two big brown eyes with the big tears leaking out and running down her cheeks, and the terror reaching down and touching her soul. I’m snapped out of the moment and forced to look away when I feel the vampire jump on top of me. I’m so pissed off right now, so filled with this rage that just keeps on growing, that I don’t even feel the hits as he punches my face once, and then twice.

Right before his fist connects for a third time I reach out lightening quick, and grab his hand. I squeeze as hard as I can and I can feel the sick crunch of the bones snapping. He screams out in pain, and I bring my feet up and push him off me. He goes flying through the air and lands on top of a tombstone. Part of the old stone breaks off and crumbles under the force of his body hitting in, and he falls to the ground, and lands on top of it. In less then a second I’m up and running towards him. I’m still a little dizzy but that’s not stopping me as I run up to him and start stomping. I go for his ribs first. I stomp on them with the heel of my shoe, and don’t stop until I feel them cracking under the force. He’s trying to get away, he’s trying to fight back, but it’s pretty useless. Right now I’m like hurricane force winds pummeling through a small seashore town. The buildings may hold for a while but eventually they give and are swept away.

After most of his ribs are broken, and he can hardly move I stomp on his face a couple of times with very deliberate blows. I’m not just trying to cause damage and ruin his face, I’m after something and I’m not going to stop until I get it. I stop after the fifth time because it’s finally ready. I reach down and force his mouth open. He’s so weak and powerless right now there’s nothing he can do to stop me and I like that feeling. I reach into his once deadly mouth and pull out his fangs. I might as well have taken out my switchblade and sliced his balls off because to a vampire that’s basically what I just did. I put the teeth in my pocket and ram my stake through his chest. I feel the muscle shred, and the bones give way, and the next thing I see is the nearly unconscious creature vanish into a puff of ash.

I stand up straight and stretch out my muscles. They’re so tight and sore from whatever the fuck it was that came over me. I have no fuckin clue what that was about but I’m glad it’s over. That wasn’t a good kill. I didn’t get any pleasure out of it, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I mean that literally. I was breathing hard through my mouth and accidentally sucked in some dust and that shit doesn’t taste good at all. Why am I even thinking about that? I turn around and look at the little girl lying on the ground. She’s still holding her neck but the smell in the air is different. Her wound is starting to close, and all of the blood that I can smell is turning stale. I can’t really explain the difference between the two different smells. It’s kinda like porn you know it when you see it, or in this case when you smell it.

I slowly walk over to the little girl and I stop about five feet away. I don’t want to get too close. She’s scared enough as it is without having me crowd her. She sits up, and brings her legs up to her chest, and she’s still clutching her wound even though it’s not bleeding anymore. I can see her little mind racing in those huge brown eyes of hers. There’s something about them that look familiar but that’s crazy because I’ve never seen this kid before. I put my stake in my back pocket, and try to calm my breathing down. I don’t want to scare her anymore then she already is, but I’m a stranger who just brutalized and killed the thing that was attacking her so I think either way she’s going to be afraid of me. I make sure to move slowly as I put my hair behind my ear so it’s not in my face anymore. I give her a small smile, but she still looks horrified. I really don’t blame her.

“Hi,” I know that’s really lame but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. “I’m Lily, what’s your name?” I’m trying to sound nice and friendly but I’m still breathing a little hard and my voice is deeper then it normally is for reason I’m not going to think about in front of a little kid because I think that’s boarder line illegal. She doesn’t say anything, she just stares at me with those big doe eyes. “That’s ok, you don’t have to tell me. You’re not supposed to talk to strangers and all of that junk.” Ha, I got a little smile because of that. “But I promise I’m not going to hurt you. In fact, I’m kind of like a superhero.” Yeah, I know I have an ego, what of it? “And you know how in comics people aren’t afraid to talk to the superheroes?” Hmmm, maybe I should have referenced something else? I’m not sure if a lot of little girls read comics. She nods her head so maybe she does. “Well it’s ok to talk to me. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.” I wait as she seems to think it over. “Can you tell me your name now?”

“Cristina,” she says in the smallest voice I’ve ever heard. My smile gets a little bigger and I scoot a little closer to her. Not too close though because I don’t want to break this little bit of trust we have going on. She doesn’t move away from me, and I guess that’s a good sign. I’m not that good with little kids so I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I’m just trying my best to stay calm because usually if an adult is calm and collected the kids will calm down. At least that’s how it goes on Super Nanny. Hopefully watching that show will pay off at least a little bit.

“That’s a pretty name. Do you think I can take a look at your neck?” She stops breathing and her legs tense up a little more. I didn’t even think that was possible. “It’s ok. I don’t have to look right now. But I need to have to look later so I can put a bandage on it, ok?” She just nods her head. I get a little closer, and now I’m only three feet away. She doesn’t seem too intimidated by me so she’s probably still scared because of what happened. Alright so now what am I supposed to do? I’m sitting here in a cemetery in the middle of the fucking night, I just saved this girl from a vampire but now I have no idea what to do with her. Normally when I save someone it’s some stupid person who decided the cemetery would be a good short cut, or someone who was pulled into an alley. I’ve never saved a kid before. Light bulb moment. I can take her to Sky’s place. Sky always knows what to do. And she’s almost a mom so she’s gotta have some type of maternal instincts, right?

“Ok Cristina, I know this is a lot to ask, but we need to get out of here, ok? It isn’t safe.” I can’t feel any right now but I’m sure there are vampires and demons roaming around and if they smell her blood they’ll come running faster then a fat person to a free buffet. Ok, that was mean but whatever. She nods her head a little bit, and I hold out my hand. She very slowly reaches over and takes it with her unoccupied one. I stand, and carefully help her to her feet. She stumbles a little which means she’s woozy. That’s definitely not a good sign. When I was still running over here I thought she was an adult woman, which means the vampire took even more blood from her body since she’s so small. “Don’t worry, my friend Sky will be able to help. She always knows what to do.” Ok well maybe she doesn’t always know for sure, but she always has ideas, and right now I’ve got nothing.

We start walking out of the cemetery and when we’re about ten feet away from the gate she collapses. I catch her before she falls, and pick her up. If she can’t make it out of the cemetery then there’s no way she’ll be able to walk to Sky’s. It’s about a half hour walk from here, and with how much blood she’s lost I’ll probably be running. I cradle her in my arms as if she was a baby, and she feels completely weightless. I know it’s because I’m a slayer, but for some reason I feel like she’s slipping away from me. She’s so pale she looks like a ghost. I pick up the pace but I don’t full out run. I don’t want her to get sick or anything. She has her arms wrapped around my neck and she’s holding on as tight as she can, and even though I’m a slayer it feels really weak. Fuck, maybe I should just take her to a hospital. But the nearest hospital is in Vegas and it would be way faster to drive there even if I was running as fast as I can.

I let out a sigh of relief when I reach Sky’s house. I have no idea how long it took me to get here, but it feels like it took hours. I jump the three steps up onto the porch and as soon as my feet are on the ground I start pounding on the door. Cristina looks like she’s about to pass out so I start talking to her a little bit. I have no idea what I’m saying I’m just asking her random questions. My mind is racing and my blood is pumping so hard right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been this afraid before. Why am I feeling like this? She’s not even my kid. I don’t even have a maternal bone in my entire body. I can see some lights on through the window so what the fuck is taking Sky so damn long?! The door opens and Sky looks a little irritated. I’m just glad it was her and not Willow. She might’ve turned me into a rat or something.

“She was attacked by a vampire. She lost a lot of blood,” I say and push my way passed her. I know it was rude but this kid needs help now. Sky takes me into the living room and I lay Cristina down on the couch. She looks so fucking pale, and she’s all clammy. That really can’t be good. She’s still holding onto her wound and it must’ve reopened because I can smell fresh blood. I very gently lift her hand off her neck and blood starts pouring out of it. What the fuck?! Those weren’t teeth marks on her neck. He cut her, probably with a knife. Why the fuck would he do that? I cover the wound with both of my hands and add enough pressure to stop the bleeding but not enough to hurt her. “Sky, she’s bleeding bad. We need to get her to a hospital.” I hear the word no come out of her mouth and I see red. “What the fuck do you mean no?! This kid is bleeding to death! We need to get her to a fucking hospital now!”

“Would you shut your mouth before you wake the neighbors up? She’s lying in a house with the world’s most powerful witch do you really think she needs to go to a hospital?” Oh. I never thought of it like that. “Just wait here, I’ll go get Willow.” Yeah you do that. I don’t say that out loud because I’d rather not get slapped by an insane pregnant slayer. Ok, so she’s not insane but sometimes it seems like it. I try to look into Cristina’s eyes but they’re half closed and completely unfocused. I can feel her blood all over my hands but I can’t grip any tighter without hurting her too much. I don’t want to accidentally snap her neck. I’ve never done that to someone but I’m sure it’s happened before to someone else and I’d rather not make someone else’s mistake. I hear footsteps but I don’t look up. “Ok, Lily you need to get out of the way.”

“I can’t take my hands off her neck or she’ll bleed out. He cut her with a knife or something, maybe a razor blade, I don’t fucking know. It’s bigger then a vampire bite and she’s still bleeding so I can’t let go.” I don’t look up when I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder. They need to back the fuck off before they get smacked because I will not hold back on the strength. I take in a deep shaky breath and let my slayer senses crawl out. Fuck, it’s Sky who’s touching me. I can’t hit a pregnant woman. Well, I’ve never hit one before. It’s not like I make a habit out of being friends with preggos. I can’t guarantee that I won’t if she doesn’t stop pissing me off.

“Willow isn’t going to let that happen.” How the fuck does she know what’s going to happen? That bastard probably nicked the artery and if I let go it’ll only take a few seconds for her to be dead. I can’t let that happen. She’s just a baby, she didn’t ask for this, and she hasn’t been alive long enough to have done anything to deserve it. “Lily, everything is going to be alright. I promise that she’s going to be ok. But you have to let go now. You have to trust us, ok?” I can’t do that. I can’t let go of her. If I let go then she’ll die and it’ll be my fault. I shouldn’t have stood there so long. I should’ve started running as soon as I felt the vampire. I wasted so much fucking time doing pointless shit. This is all my fault. I feel Sky wrap her arms around me, and then she holds onto both of my wrists, but she’s not trying to pull me off Cristina.

“You need to let go now, baby girl. We’ll take care of her. She’s dying right now, Lily. Let us help her,” Sky whispers and I can feel her breath softly brush against my ear. It makes me shiver a little bit. I look down into Cristina’s unfocused eyes and her skin looks even paler then before. She’s right I need to learn to let go. I need to let her go now. I’ve been holding on for way too long. I let go of her and as soon as my hands leave her neck Sky pulls me back and Willow jumps in and takes my place. I struggle a little bit but Sky doesn’t let me go. Why the fuck is she holding onto me like that? I struggle a little harder and she finally lets go. “Alright, alright, just calm down. You are you ok? You’re getting really upset.” I nod my head and walk away from her. I can’t be in here right now. I can’t be around her.

I walk into the kitchen so I can wash off my hands and I stop short when I see someone sitting at the table. Great, this night couldn’t get any fucking worst. I walk passed the table and over to the sink. I turn on the faucet and look down at my hands. They’re covered in blood. If it was my blood it would be ok, but it’s not. I don’t think I can handle this right now. I can’t handle seeing this and seeing him all at the same time. I need to get the fuck out of here but I can’t fucking move. Why won’t my Goddamn legs work? I my whole body tenses when I feel him stand up. Sometimes having all of these slayer powers is a bitch. I would rather just ignore him, but I can feel every move he’s making a few seconds before he makes it.

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t know.” What the fuck is he talking about? I look over at him, and he starts walking towards me. The way he’s walking kinda reminds me of the way I was walking towards Cristina. Small deliberate movements, with a look of calm. But he isn’t calm. I can hear his heart racing. “I didn’t know about Mark.” How the FUCK did he find out about Mark? “Willow is connected to every slayer in the world because of the spell, and sometimes when a slayer is in enough pain she gets the memories.” So she ran to Xander and told him all about it? “Don’t blame her, I made her tell me. We’ve known each other since we were five I know how to get something out of her.” I guess he has a point. But still, that’s fucked up. Whatever happened to vagina loyalty? “Look, Lily, I don’t regret what happened between us.” Neither do I. I want to tell him that but I can’t. “But I understand now why you acted the way you did.” He doesn’t know shit about me.

“He hurt you, and it still hurts. It hurts so bad that you never want it to happen again so you push everyone away.” Ok, so maybe he gets it a little bit. But he doesn’t get all of it. He doesn’t get the fact that Mark broke me, and I don’t think I can ever be fixed. I don’t think I can ever love anybody again and I don’t want to try. I don’t want to try because what if I can’t love someone and they love me more then anyone else in the world? What if I can’t return that? They’ll be hurt, and probably feel like I feel right now and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. “But he’s not here anymore. He can’t hurt you anymore, Lily. The only person hurting you is you because you won’t let anyone get close to you.” Where the fuck is all of this coming from? We barely know each other, so why the fuck does he care?

“What does it matter?” I ask and my tone sounds a little harsh. I turn to face him and he still looks like he’s talking to a little kid. He has a daughter maybe he’s just used to it. “You don’t know me. You don’t know a fucking thing about me so why does it fucking matter if I won’t let people get close?” He walks up to me, and he’s standing so close. I can smell everything on him. I can smell his deodorant, and his body spray, and his sweat. I don’t know what he was doing but the smell of his sweat is a little strong, and it’s just reminding me of the other night. It’s reminding me of the way he looked at me when he was inside of me. I couldn’t handle the expression on his face so I gently pulled his face down to my neck, and he started placing little kisses right behind my ear. He was so gentle, and so…I don’t even know how to describe it.

“It matters, alright? I know it sounds completely crazy because we don’t even know each other, and all we’ve done for the last week and a half is argue. But I care about you, and I’m attracted to you. I can’t stop thinking about you, even before we slept together.” I look away from him and I force the tears back. I can’t handle this right now. I can’t handle that little girl and him at the same time. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. “There’s something else though, isn’t there?” His voice is so gentle and so…loving that I have to look up at him. I look at him for a few seconds, and then I look down at my hands. The blood is starting to dry just like it did before. There was so much blood. I couldn’t believe how much blood there was. I see his hands cover mine, and then he gently holds onto them. I can feel the blood acting like a paste and his hands are stuck to mine.

“I can’t,” I say and he takes another step towards me. He’s in my personal space now, but I don’t feel crowded. I don’t feel like I need to move away from him, or push him away from me. I’ve never felt like this before about anyone and it’s really freaking me out. “I can’t talk about it…” ‘It’? Are you fucking kidding me? She was your baby and you’re calling her ‘it’? “I can’t talk about her.” He lets go of my hands but it’s a little difficult because of the sticky blood. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest. All of those tears I’ve been holding in are starting to come out and I don’t think I can force them back this time. I feel his hand gently caressing the back of my head and I let out a little sigh. I close my eyes and just focus on his gentle touch, and my aching muscles start to relax.

“You can’t talk about who, Lily?” God I love it when he says my name. I don’t know why I love the sound of it, but I do. I guess I just love his voice, but there’s something different about the way he says it, something…special. I have no idea what it is and I’m not even going to try to figure it out because I don’t think I ever will. All I know is that I love the way my voice sounds coming from his lips and that’s all that matters. Anyway I choke back a sob and pull my face away from his chest so I can talk. I don’t know if he’ll be able to understand me because I have a big lump in my throat. I don’t want to try and clear it because I think if I do I might start crying, and I know that sounds stupid but whatever.

“I was gonna have a baby,” I manage to choke out. I don’t think he understood me. I barely understood me just now. I sniffle very loudly and take in a deep breath. It isn’t calming like I thought it was going to be but it does help with the whole not crying thing. “Me and Mark, we were gonna have a baby.” I’ve never talked about it out loud before, at least not while I was sober. The only person I’ve ever talked about this before was with Faith and I was drunk and that’s the only reason why I talked about it. I start crying really hard and I feel my legs start to give. I grab onto his shoulders and he catches me before I fall. I feel him start to back up and he sits down in the chair at the table. He pulls me down onto his lap so I’m straddling him, and I bury my face in his neck.

“We were gonna…have a baby…and…and then he left. He left…and I couldn’t…I couldn’t handle the stress. I just couldn’t. And my baby she…she miscarried. I lost her…and it’s all…it’s all my fault.” It’s all my fucking fault. I’m such a retard for doing what I did. Looking back I regret it more then anything in the world. I killed my baby. I killed her and she didn’t deserve it. She was too young to have done anything to deserve that. “I couldn’t handle the stress and…I just needed a drink…just one…one drink and that night…she died and it’s my fault. I…I killed my baby.” I can’t talk anymore. I don’t want to talk anymore. I feel like the world’s most horrible person. I should be locked up in solitary confinement for the rest of my life because I don’t deserve to be free. I murdered her. He starts making this little shushing sound in my ear but I can’t stop crying.

“Lily, listen to me ok? I know it hurts. I can’t even imagine how much, but just listen ok?” I don’t say anything back or nod or anything, but he keeps talking anyway. “Lily, one drink can’t make you miscarry.” Whatever. He’s just lying to make me feel better about myself. But I know it’s the truth because Mark was gone for a few days and it was after I had the drink that I miscarried so Xander is wrong. “I’m not saying this to make you feel better.” What is he a mind reader now? “When Katie was pregnant with Miranda she accidentally drank something that had alcohol in it. She didn’t know it was in there and she couldn’t taste it, but she knew after she started to feel the affects. She went to the doctor a couple of days later and asked about it because she was really freaked out, and the doctor told her it takes more then one drink to cause a miscarriage.”

“It can’t?” I sob out right into his ear. He’s probably going deaf or something. Why do I ruin everything I touch? Why can’t I just be a normal person for once? I can never do anything right. Thousands of teenage girls give birth every year but I couldn’t even do that right. He’s being so sweet and so gentle with me and when I’m not being a huge bitch to him, I’m crying all over him and ruining his hearing. He starts to gently rub my back and I tighten my grip on him a little. Just because I’m all upset doesn’t mean I can squeeze him to death.

“No, it can’t. You were all alone with a baby on the way. It was probably stress, or a genetic thing. There are many reasons why, but that’s not one of them. You didn’t kill your baby.” I didn’t kill my baby? I didn’t kill my baby. I start crying even harder and he tightens his grip on me. That’s exactly what I need, and he just lets me cry. I didn’t kill my baby. I didn’t kill her, I didn’t kill her, I didn’t kill her! I keep thinking that over and over and over again and eventually I start to calm down. I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting here like this but I do feel a little better. “Do you want a tissue? I can get you a tissue.” I can’t help but laugh a little bit. It’s almost like he’s rewording the breakfast conversation.

“No, I’m good,” I say, and let out a little sigh. I don’t know exactly what he wants from me, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to give it to him, but I guess I can try. I mean, ever since he showed up he’s been making me feel things that I’ve never felt before and I really want to find out what that means. He wants me to open up to him. He wants me to let him get close. At least I think so. It’s pretty obvious that’s what he was saying earlier. So I guess I should start working on that opening up thing. I nuzzle his neck a little bit and I feel him give me a little kiss on the side of my head. I can’t help the little smile that tugs at the corner of my lips. “All I need is this.” I know that was totally corny or whatever, but it’s true. At this very moment all I need is him holding me and making me feel special, and I’m willing to admit that he’s good at it.

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