Nine Years Ago.  FPOV

“I swear on my life that I would never cheat on you, that I have never cheated on you.”  Liar, she’s nothing but a fucking liar.  Can you believe the shit she’s saying?  ‘Cause I fucking can’t.  “Think about it Faith, after everything we’ve seen, after everything we’ve done is this really that unimaginable?  We fight vampires and demons, we’ve saved the world from the ultimate evil, I’ve died twice, once for almost four months.  Is conceiving a child together really that far out there and impossible?”  Well, I guess when she puts it that way it doesn’t sound so crazy.  I mean, we have seen some pretty weird shit, so this...thing...could be mine, or it could be some demon, or the product of a guy she fucked while I was in New York.

“Alright, maybe it’s possible, just maybe.”  I sound fuckin pissed because I am.  B’s one of the very few people I’ve ever allowed myself to trust, I opened up to her, told her things I’ve never told another soul.  And now she’s pregnant.  This doesn’t scream supernatural, it screams super-slutty.  I didn’t even try to wake her up when she was unconscious.  Naw, I left that to Red and Brat.  I came out here and started smoking, did that for about an hour until they finally got her to wake up.  Then she comes in here sayin that this...thing...is mine.

“Willow can do a spell, she can find out what is really going on.  It could be yours, or maybe some demon did something to me.  Remember when that one really pasty looking demon stabbed me in the stomach with that little poky thing that came out of his arm?  Maybe he injected me with something, like his evil spawn.  But Faith I swear to God I did not cheat.”  She keeps saying that and I can’t help but think that she’s trying to convince herself.  Maybe in her mind she wasn’t cheating.  Nope when she took Riley for another ride she was just getting some closure, but she didn’t cheat.

Yeah, I think it’s Riley that she fucked.  He was in town while I was conveniently gone.  It probably wasn’t planned.  He probably came over wanting to talk and things just happened.  I understand that, but it still happened, or at least I’m sure it happened.  I could be wrong, and it’s that little bit of doubt that’s letting me even consider that this thing could be a demon seed or something.  I mean, sure Buffy said that we conceived it, but we don’t know that for sure.  And I’m going to go ahead and point out the obvious that neither one of us has a dick, and we don’t live on a hellmouth so magic things don’t just happen like they used to.

I don’t really pay attention while B talks to Red and Brat.  I just sit on the couch and stare off into space.  Red says that there is a possibility it’s a demon, that there are breeds of demon that will infect a person with they’re seed to create human/demon hybrids.  A demon that looks like a person and can walk around in the day and everything, what could be more terrifying?  Well, a lot of things, but that one’s pretty bad.  I’m actually kinda hoping it’s a demon seed.  If it is that means B didn’t cheat on me, and we can just get rid of it and then go back to normal.  We were so happy before this.  Not for the last week or so ‘cause B was freaking about those test results, but before that, we were happy.

I watch as Red puts her hands over B’s stomach and her eyes turn white.  I don’t know what she’s doin but it’s affecting B big time.  Her whole body is wicked tense, and her eyes are closed and she looks like she’s in pain.  I want to push Red away and protect B but I’m not going to ‘cause this is gonna tell us what we wanna know.  So it’s either we’re doing a magically abortion or I’m packing my shit and going back to Boston ‘cause there’s no way in hell I’m sticking around if B fucked around behind my back.  Nope, she can just call up Riley and they can deal with it.  Adios, sayonara, have a great fuckin life.

“It’s not a demon, that’s for sure,” Red says and I feel like B just stabbed me in the gut...again, but in the chest at the same time.  How could she do this?  How could she cheat on me, and then deny it like that?  How could she fuckin lie to me?  “Wait...there’s something...different.  I can’t exactly tell what...but I know this baby is both yours and Faith’s.”  What?  How is that possible?  “Magic, there’s magic lining Buffy’s uterus.  The signature is sloppy, a novice witch most likely cast a spell and it went ka-blooey.”  Then Red lets go of Buffy and they both go back to normal.  “This is great Buffy, you weren’t impregnated by a demon, and you didn’t cheat, and you’re going to be a mom!”  She pulls B into a big hug and I can’t breath.

Numb, I’m numb all over.  I can’t feel anything, because this isn’t real.  Come on Faith, you’re good, you’re just not that good.  You couldn’t have gotten her pregnant even with some stupid spell.  This is all just some stupid dream from watching some stupid chick flick with Buffy.  She isn’t pregnant and I’m going to wake up any second and laugh about this over a glass of JD at the club tonight when me and B shake and shimmy after a night of slaying.  But I don’t wake up, and I don’t stop feeling numb, and Buffy is still pregnant.  I watch B talk to Willow, I can see her lips moving but I can’t hear her.  I think I’m going into shock or something.

“I’m going to spend the night at Stacey’s, give you two some time to talk,” Brat says.  When did she sit down next to me?  And I can tell from the sound of her voice that she knows this isn’t a happy situation.  Willow was all hugs and bubbliness ‘cause B’s knocked up, but I’m not.  I mean, B’s knocked up, with my baby.  What the fuck am I going to do?  I don’t have a job, or a work ethic, or a high school diploma.  Babies are expensive, they need a lot of things, they need a grown up to raise them up right.  I’m not a grown up, have I ever acted like a grown up?  And grown ups don’t even call themselves grown ups, they call themselves ‘adults’ and they pronounce it really weird.

I watch Dawn walk into her bedroom and close the door.  We’ve been sharing this apartment for a year now.  I didn’t have as much stuff as they do, and mine was smaller so it just made sense that I move in with the Summers sisters instead of B movin into my tiny apartment.  It’s nice ‘cause Brat’s usually gone.  She says she’s over at a friends house but it’s so obvious they’re so much more then friends.  Well, unless Dawn has sex with all of her friends and I doubt that.  But if we bring in a baby everything is going to change.  We don’t have enough room for a baby here.  We’d have to get a bigger apartment, and what about Dawn?  We can’t just leave her behind.  Sure she’s eighteen but she’s still in school and she needs B to keep her in line and all that other shit.

I look over at the front door when I hear it close, I guess Dawn just left.  B’s standing by it, staring off into space.  I wonder what she’s thinking, how she feels about all this.  I already have an idea of what we should do and it’s pretty obvious by the way I’ve been thinkin.  It’s the only option that makes sense.  We’re too immature for a baby.  We don’t know the first thing about raising a baby.  Now if B was having a teenager we’d be all set ‘cause she’s had practice in that area, but I know that’s not gonna happen.

I hear B’s footsteps as she walks closer to me.  She stops though, and leans up against the wall.  I guess she needs her space, I get that.  If I found out I was knocked up ‘cause of a spell I’d want my space too.  Then again if I found out I was pregnant because of a spell I wouldn’t be silent like she is now.  I wouldn’t just be leaning up against a wall looking lost and scared.  I’d do something about it, something I know B would never do.  That’s why I’m not even going to suggest it, because I know she’d leave me and raise the kid with the help of her friends then...what’s it called?  Oh yeah, ‘terminate the pregnancy’.  I won’t suggest it, but I won’t exactly fight against it either if she brings it up.

“Faith,” I hear her say but I don’t look at her.  I just keep staring at the bottom of the T.V., that’s where I’ve been looking at since she leaned up against the wall, and that was...I have no idea how long ago.  Time doesn’t have any meaning anymore.  “Faith, look at me.”  She sounds so...small.  I haven’t heard her sound like that since the battle with the First.  I do look at her and she looks so lost.  And as much as she needs me right now I can’t help her because I’m too caught up in my own shit to help anyone.  “Faith, what are we going to do?”  Why did she have to ask me that?  Why is she leaving it up to me?

“I don’t know,” I tell her and stand up and start pacing.  I can’t stand this, the fear, the not knowing, the what ifs.  It’s driving me insane.  What are we going to do?  It’s not a demon so we can’t kill it.  Adoption maybe?  I’m sure there are plenty of loving people that would want a little baby to call their own.  “I don’t know.”  I say a little louder.  I’m not really talking to her though, I just need to say something.  “I don’t know.  I don’t know!”  I didn’t mean to yell and I certainly didn’t mean to look at her when I did it.  Now she has tears in her eyes.

“Ok, you don’t know, I get it, just don’t yell at me.”  I want to say I’m sorry but what’s the point?  She won’t believe me anyway.  I just keep pacing.  I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and her gaze is boring holes into my body.  I need to get out of here.  I need to get away from her and this place, I just can’t be here right now.  I walk over to the table and grab my jacket off the back of a chair and shrug it on.  “Where are you going?”  She sounds so scared, but I can’t stay here, I feel like I’m going to suffocate.

“Out.  I’m going out for a while, don’t wait up,” and I walk out the door.  You’d think she would have said something, would have tried to stop me, would have at least done something, but she didn’t.  She just stood there and now I’m walking down their stairs of the apartment building and out the door and down the sidewalk.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  Drinking seems pointless.  I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in the world to get rid of these feelings even for just a second.  So I walk, and I walk, and I walk, and I walk some more.  I end up at the park and I sit down on the merry-go-round.

Why is this happening?  Why when things are finally going right something has to come along and fuck it all up?  I love Buffy, I love her, I can admit it, I can say it to her face and not run away.  I never thought I’d ever be able to do that with anyone.  I’m in a real relationship, and we were happy.  Three weeks ago we were here, at this same park, playing a little game of tag while the rest of the scoobs relaxed in the shade.  We were laughing and having fun, and we ended up making out on the grass until Red said things were getting a little too R rated for there being kids around.  So we stopped.

But I don’t think that’s it, where this fear is coming from.  I mean, a baby, that’s a big responsibility, and for one thing I’m not good with responsibility, but I don’t know how to be a mom.  My mom was a drunk, my dad wasn’t around, so I have no example to go by.  I have no fucking clue what to do.  What do I do when my kid’s sick and crying and won’t shut up and it’s three in the morning?  How do I get ‘em to calm down and go to sleep?  What do I do when they see a vampire for the first time?  How do I keep them from freaking out?  There’s just too much to think about, too many things to consider.

But I don’t think it’s that, either.  No, I know it isn’t that.  A loving family is something I’ve always wanted.  I never imagined it happening with another woman, but that doesn’t matter.  If B has this baby and we keep it, then I’ll have what I’ve always wanted.  And if I screw it up then that’s it, it’s gone forever, and I’ll never be happy again.  What if I screw up?  What if I can’t be what this baby needs?  I don’t know what to do with a baby.  I don’t know how to take care of one, I don’t know how to be supportive to someone taking care of a baby, I don’t know anything when it comes to this, I’m still learning how to be a good girlfriend.

And look at this Faith, you’re fucking that up too.  Buffy’s at home, probably scared shitless and you’re here, and you’ve been gone for...I look down at my watch...three fucking hours!  She’s gotta be worried and scared and freaking out.  She probably thinks I’m getting drunk and I don’t blame her because I really wanted to, I still want to.  But I’m not going to.  She probably thinks I’m going to leave her, but I’d never do that.  She’d have to be the one to end it, or screw up so bad that I force myself to end it because I’d never just leave.  But you’re not there now Faith, you did leave.  And now she’s all alone.  Ok, I need to stop talking to myself in third person, it’s getting freaky.

I get up and start the long walk back home.  It’ll take me at least an hour ‘cause I can’t make my legs walk any faster.  But I think that’s a good thing because it’s giving me time to work what I’m going to say.  I have to apologize for walking out or at least explain why I walked out.  I have to make her believe that it was because of my fucked up mind and not because of anything she did.  I can’t have her thinking that because it isn’t true.  Ok, so her asking me what we’re going to do may have triggered it, but something else would have come up and I would’ve run just the same.  Maybe I don’t deserve any of this.  I mean, I ran away from it, I thought about aborting it, I’m still referring to it as it...maybe I’m not supposed to be a mother.  Maybe it would be better for everyone if I pack up tonight and get as far away from B and the baby as possible before I screw everything up?

No, I have to stop thinking like that.  This is my baby, mine, mine and Buffy’s.  It’ll take some getting used to but they’re my family and I’m not going to walk out on my family.  I panicked and took off for a couple of hours, so what?  Anyone in my shoes would have done the same if not more.  Not getting drunk is a big step ‘cause to be honest, I think I’m turning into an alcoholic.  But not anymore.  There are going to be some serious changes around here.  I’m going to be a mother...a father?  I’ll figure out the terms later, but I’m going to be raising a little baby, my little baby, and I can’t do shit like that anymore.

I just hope B feels the same way I do.  I mean, she’s talked about having kids before.  We did the whole ‘when I was little I always dreamed I...’ and she said she wants four kids.  So I don’t think she’s going to be getting an abortion anytime soon.  But you never know.  Maybe she doesn’t want to have my baby?  Maybe she thinks I’m not ready for this, that she’s not ready for this.  I’m twenty-two years old for Christ’s sake.  I’m too damn young to be raising a kid.  But I can make it work.  I can grow up, I know I can.

But does B know that?  Does she know that I can grow up and take care of her and our baby, or does she think I’m not mature enough?  Is she going to take off and raise our baby by herself because she thinks I can’t handle it or won’t want to be a mother, or will she see that I really want this and we can be a happy family?  I don’t know, I don’t know because I’m not at the apartment right now.  But I’m almost there, I can see the building from here.  Just a couple more blocks and I’ll be holding her in my arms and telling her how much I love her.  I know I’ve gone soft, but that’s what being with someone does to you.

I open the door and walk up the stairs.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous about coming home.  Will she be glad to see me?  Will she be packing up my stuff and then tell me to get the fuck out?  Or will she be packing up her stuff and moving in with Willow and Kennedy until she finds her own place?  Well, I don’t see any light coming from behind the door so I don’t know what to think.  The car is still out front so she didn’t leave.  I pull out my keys and unlock the door.  I walk into my apartment and all the lights are turned out.  That’s not a good sign.  If I’m not home when she goes to bed she’ll leave the lamp on in the living room unless she’s pissed at me.  Maybe she just forgot to turn it on.  Nope, those are definitely sobs coming from the direction of our bedroom.

I take off my jacket and toss my keys on the table.  I’m being as quiet as I can but I think she can hear me with her slaying hearing.  I walk towards the bedroom and there’s a tightness in my chest now and the closer I get to that closed door the tighter it gets.  Now I’m standing right in front of the door.  I can hear her crying on the other side but I can’t force myself to move.  Ok Faith, you can do this.  Just open the door, walk in very calmly, say you’re sorry for running out.  Tell her ‘Buffy, baby, I’m so sorry for taking off like that, but there was so much shit sloshing around in my head I had to leave.  But I’m better now.  I’ve thought about it, and I know that I want to take care of you and our baby for the rest of forever.’  Yeah, that’s good, tell her that.  Alright retard if you want to tell her that you need to go in there.

I grip the doorknob and slowly turn it.  She hears the door creak open and her breath hitches in her throat.  She’s trying to force herself to calm down, but she can’t.  I walk into the room as quiet as a mouse and close the door.  She’s in bed already.  All the lights are off and I can tell she has her pajamas on.  Either that or she’s nude because her clothes are lying in a pile at the foot of the bed.  I take three steps and stop because her sobs are getting louder.  I swallow hard and walk over to the side of the bed.  I squat down next to her and put my hands on the very edge of the bed and look into her eyes.  I take in a little breath and I hesitate.  We just stare at each other for a few minutes until I can’t take the silence anymore.

“I thought about it, and I know what we’re gonna do.”  I reach out and gently wipe her tears away.  “You’re gonna go through the morning sickness and I’m gonna try and help you out.  You’re going to get really bitchy and have mood swings, but that isn’t too different from how you usually are.”  We both laugh a little bit and I wipe away the rest of her tears. “We’re going to talk to Giles about borrowing some money, and we’re going to buy everything a new little baby could possibly need.  Your stomach is gonna get bigger and you might feel self-conscious about it, but to me you’ll always be beautiful.”  She has tears in her eyes now but these are the good kind.  I hate seeing her cry either way, but at least these are because she’s happy.

“You’re gonna go through probably the worst pain you’ll ever feel, and our little baby is gonna come out and join the world.  And we’re going to bring him or her home and be a little happy family.”  She smiles again and holds onto my hand that’s still cupping her face.  The other one has a mind of its own and moved down to her stomach and I’m gently caressing it.  She looks like Buffy again, she has that sparkle back in her eyes.  But this is still really hard to believe even though I’m not thinking about it in a bad way.  We’re going to be parents.  We’re going to be raising a kid.  There’s so much doubt about it, but people have been raising kids since the dawn of time.  If they could do it I can do it.  All I have to do is the very opposite of what my mom did with me, and everything will turn out ok.

“It’s going to be a girl,” she says and lightly caresses my hand with her thumb.  She has a small smile on her face.  How does she know the baby’s gonna be a girl?  “Magic may have helped us make this,” she puts her hand over mine, the one that’s on her stomach.  “But neither of us have the proper equipment for making a baby boy.  Only a guy has a Y chromosome, we’re both Xs.  So there’s no way it could be a boy.”  I don’t really know about all that since I didn’t exactly pay attention to anything in school, but I’ll just have to believe her for now until I learn about all that stuff.  She scoots over in the bed and pulls the covers back.  I take off my jeans and crawl under the covers.  “We’re going to be mommies.”  I smile a big smile.

“Yeah, we are.”  I wrap my arms around her and give her kiss on the neck.  “And I don’t want you to worry about anything ok?  I’ll talk to Giles about everything and we’ll work something out and if I have to get a job I will.  But all you have to do is relax, and grow a baby, ok?”  She smiles at me and I know she’s going to protest because Buffy Summers is not the stay-at-home-mom type of person.  She’d go insane.  She needs to do more then just stay home and take care of a kid.

“Let’s talk about the details tomorrow, alright?  Lets just savor this right now,” I tell her and she smiles a small smile.  She snuggles against me and gives me a little kiss on the lips.  “I love you.”  She kisses me again, a little deeper this time but she pulls back.  She’s too tired to have sex right now so I’m not going to push for it.  She says it back and rests her head on my shoulder and slips off to sleep.  But I can’t.  All that doubt I was having earlier that I suppressed is coming back.  I guess I’ll have to learn how to force it back otherwise I’ll be up for days.

BPOV

“Willow?” I ask in a voice that doesn’t sound like my own.  Maybe it is and I’m just too out of it to recognize my own voice.  She still thinks I cheated, I know she does.  But I would never do that to her.  Faith is the best thing to ever happen to me and I would never jeopardize our relationship for sex with someone else.  When is she going to realize that she’s all I want in this life?  But I can see where she’s going from.  I mean, it’s not everyday a girl gets pregnant because of a demon or something.  She has every right to be pissed and suspicious and that’s what’s killing me.  So now I’m turning to Willow because she’s the only one who can prove that I didn’t cheat.  “I need you to do something for me, a spell.  Something strange is going on, either this baby was made by a demon or some kind of spell or something and I need you to figure out what.”  Her and my sister exchange a glace.  Nobody believes me.

“Yeah, Buffy, I can do that.  Do you want to do it in the bedroom?”  I tell her no, that the living room is fine.  Faith won’t go in the bedroom when she’s this upset because it’s a small room and she gets a little claustrophobic when she’s upset.  “Ok, we can do it out there.  You don’t have to do a thing but stand as still as you can, and try not to speak ok?”  I nod my head yes and we walk into the living room.  She and Dawn were standing in the hallway, spying on us like any other friend or family member would have.  I can’t force myself to care right now, maybe I’ll get mad about it later.

“Alright, now don’t move, ok?”  I nod my head and she puts her hands on my stomach.  I feel a burst of magic go through me and I have to shut my eyes.  I can’t really explain what it’s like.  It’s like a light buzz going throughout my entire body and a tight pressure on my stomach.  It hurts, but at the same time it feels really good.  I hate it a lot.  I don’t’ want to be feeling really good right now, but I can’t fight it or else the spell won’t work.  I can hear something now.  It’s really quiet but now it’s getting louder.  It’s like a humming sound, and I don’t know how I know, but that’s my baby’s heartbeat.  I just know it.  And I can’t help but feel incredibly happy.  I know this baby is good, it isn’t a demon, and I know I didn’t cheat so I don’t know how it got there but I’m happy that it is.

“It’s not a demon, that’s for sure,” Willow says, but I can barely hear her over the sound.  Her voice sounds distant and a little muffled.  But I understand what she’s saying, and I was right, my baby isn’t a demon.  But then how did the baby get there?  I know I didn’t cheat on Faith.  I would never ever do something like that.  The only way I’d ever sleep with someone other then Faith is if we broke up and that hasn’t happened, and it isn’t going to happen.

“Wait...there’s something...different.  I can’t exactly what...but I know this baby is both yours and Faith’s.”  What?  But how is that possible?  Two women can’t make a baby.  But this is great, now Faith knows that I didn’t cheat.  “Magic, there’s magic lining Buffy’s uterus.  The signature is sloppy, a novice witch most likely cast a spell and it went ka-blooey.”  I feel Willow let me go and the feelings go away and so does the sound.  I open my eyes and the first thing I see is a smiling Willow.  She’s so happy about this but I’m not now.  Since her magic isn’t it in my system anymore I’m not getting that happy feeling and the reality of the situation is falling on me like a ton of bricks.

“This is great Buffy, you weren’t impregnated by a demon, and you didn’t cheat, and you’re going to be a mom!”  She pulls me into a big hug but I don’t hug her back.  I’m feeling overwhelmed and scared and I really don’t want to be touched right now.  I pull out of her embrace and look over at Faith.  She’s just staring off into space and it’s a heartbreaking thing to see.  She’s white, completely pale, and her breathing is a little labored.  She’s in shock or something and it’s starting to freak me out.  I feel Willow’s hand on my shoulder and I look over at her and she has a gentle smile on her face.  “Buffy, this is a good thing.  You two just need time to adjust to the idea, that’s all.  But promise me you won’t make any rash decisions without talking it through first.”  Rash decisions, she means abortion.  And I’m not going to lie the thought did cross my mind.

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”  I’m only half aware of what I’m saying because my brain feels like it’s wrapped in a wet towel.  I can’t really pay attention to anything, I can’t focus on anything and I can’t concentrate enough to fully form a sentence.  But I do walk her to the door.  She keeps talking to me, telling me how good this is and I know it’s because she wants to have a baby but Kennedy isn’t so hot to the idea.  She’s happy for me not because of this wonderful thing but because she really wants this to happen to her.  I know I’m making her sound like an incredibly selfish person but I don’t care.  I don’t really want this, I can’t be a mom.  You’ve seen how much I’ve screwed up with Dawn in the past, now imagine me making those mistakes only with a little kid.  They’ll never recover and they’ll be screwed up forever.  And she hugs me one more time and leaves and I close the door behind her.

“I’m going to spend the night at Stacey’s, give you two some time to talk,” Dawn says.  I turn around and see the look on her face.  She’s the very opposite of Willow.  She knows that this isn’t something to be happy about, at least not yet.  I have no idea what I’m going to do.  It’s obvious by the look on Faith’s face that she doesn’t want this.  She’s probably thinking about abortion too.  But I would never do that.  Not to something that’s both of ours.  If this were an evil demon it would be out of me in a second, but I can’t knowing that it’s an innocent human baby.  But adoption maybe?  No, I don’t think I could have this baby growing inside of me and then give it away.  I walk into Dawn’s room because she seems pretty upset and I think I should try to talk to her.

“Dawn look, I know this is out of nowhere and it’s really scary but we’re going to figure something out.”  She keeps packing her bag but she does glace over at me.  She doesn’t look as upset as before but I’m still worried.  “Please, sweetheart, talk to me.”  The pet name, she can never say no to the pet name.  She sighs and sits down on her bed.  I sit down next to her and hold onto her hand.  We’ve gotten really close since the fall of Sunnydale.  Things haven’t been perfect since then, we do fight sometimes and when she was seventeen she was dating this total creep who treated her all wrong and I had to step in and do something about it.  But it backfired big time and Dawn didn’t speak to me for almost a month.  She was so mad, but then the guy crossed a line and she knew she had to get out of the relationship.  And I broke both of his arms the next week.  Nobody hits my sister and gets away with it.

“I know you’re going to figure it out, and whatever decision you make I’ll support you.  I’m fine, really Buffy.  Things were just getting a little too tense out there and I want to give you two your space.  And don’t worry I will go to school tomorrow and I’ll come back here after and if you two still need some time then I’ll hang out with Stacey for the day.  You have enough to think about right so please don’t worry about me.”  I do worry though.  I worry about her all the time.  She’s growing up into a strong, self-reliant woman and that’s good, but I still worry.  But Stacey lives across the street and it isn’t fully dark yet so I don’t have too much to worry about.

“I wonder who cast that spell?”  Me too.  I really want to know that too.  “I mean, maybe it wasn’t an accident.  Maybe she was trying to get someone pregnant or something so she can keep the baby for herself.  Like a magical surrogate or something.  What are you going to do if someone wants the baby when it’s born?”  Ok Dawn too many questions too soon that I can’t answer.  She knows better then to ask me questions like that when I’m stressing out like this.  She knows my mind can’t process things this big very fast.  It’s going to take time before I figure out what to do.  I could really use some help, but ultimately it’s my decision.

I wonder what Faith’s thinking.  What does she want to keep the baby?  Does she want me to get an abortion or something?  I don’t think I can abort this baby.  No, I know I can’t abort this baby.  If Faith doesn’t want to be a part of this I’ll understand.  Motherhood is a big responsibility and Faith and responsibility don’t mix too well.  You should have seen her at the pet store last month when she talked me out of getting a puppy.  She kept talking about how I’ll have to remember to feed it, and take it outside to use the bathroom, and give it baths and stuff like that.  Well a baby is a way bigger responsibility then a puppy, they’re more expensive, and they wake up like what, every two or three hours to eat?  I don’t think Faith is willing to do all that.  But I’m not giving up this baby.  And this feeling is the worst feeling I’ve ever had.  I might have to choose between my girlfriend and our baby, and if it comes down to it and I’m forced to make a choice I honestly don’t know which one I’m going to pick.  I watch Dawn pack her bag and she still looks really upset.

“Dawn, you do know that whatever we decide you are not going to get pushed aside, right?”  She just stands there, looking in her bag as she rearranges some things.  Oh my God, how could she think that she’d get pushed aside?  I stand up and put my hand on her shoulder.  She tenses up a little bit but she doesn’t say anything.  “Sweetheart, you will always have a home here.  If you want to move into another apartment.”  Giles bought and entire floor of this building for us to live on.  “Because of the noise or if a newborn is too stressful for you to live with you can.  We can get it fully furnished and you can decorate it anyway you want, and you’re welcome here whenever you want, but please, don’t ever think you’ll have to leave.”  Now she’s tearing up.

“But I’m going to have to, Buffy.  Maybe not anytime soon, but sooner or later I’m going have to move out.  When I go off to college or when you two decide you want to get your own place.  But that’s not why I’m upset.  I know eventually I’m going to have to get my own place.”  Then why is she so upset?  And she doesn’t have to get her own place.  If it were up to me she’d never leave the house.  “It’s just...you and Faith are so good together, she makes you so happy and she’s changed so much because of you.  And it’s sad to think that you two could break up because of this.”  Yeah, I was sort of thinking the same thing.  “I better get going before Stacey’s mom leaves for work.”

I walk her to the door and I give her a big hug a little kiss on the cheek.  I do that now.  It’s weird how much of a mother I’ve become to her.  Maybe I can raise a baby after all.  But I’m still not too sure about that.  The last thing I want to do is screw up a baby.  I mean, if I give it up for adoption maybe it’ll have a chance to be happy and normal.  I don’t lead a normal life and I don’t want my baby to be hurt by it.  Lets say I do decide to keep this baby, and the news gets out in the magical community, once the demons and vampires find out about it we could be getting attacked on a daily basis.  The baby of the two original slayers, demons and vampires are going to be talking about that.  What if they decide it would be a good thing to have, or to kill just to hurt us?  I don’t want my baby to be hurt or killed because of me.

I close the door and Faith looks over at me but it’s only for a couple of seconds.  She looks away, and keeps staring at the ground by the T.V.  She’s completely freaked out by all of this.  Maybe this is too much for her to handle.  Maybe I should just pack up and stay with Willow tonight until I can get moved into another one of the apartments tomorrow?  No, I don’t think that would work.  Seeing her everyday would probably drive me insane.  I’d have to move to a different apartment building.  Ok, I need to stop with a horrible thinking.  We both just need some time to adjust, some time to think about this.  Maybe she is already coming up with a plan.  Maybe she already knows what we should do.  I mean, this baby is hers too, maybe she wants to raise it and I’ve done all this negative thinking for nothing.  I walk into the living room and lean up against the wall and just look at her.

“Faith,” I say in a low voice but loud enough for her to hear.  I know she heard me because her breath hitched in her chest for a couple of seconds.  She’s ignoring me.  She does that a lot when she’s panicking because she doesn’t want me to see how scared she really is.  But I’m feeling vulnerable and scared and I could really use her right now.  I need her.  I’ll always need her, that’s never going to change.  “Faith, look at me.”  It takes her a couple of seconds but she finally meets my eyes.  She’s panicking, that much is obvious and she’s scared.  I can tell just by looking in her eyes.  She’s always had really expressive eyes.  “Faith, what are we going to do?”  I don’t want to leave it up to her, but could really use some guidance right about now.

“I don’t know,” she says and she sounds really freaked out.  She jumps off the couch and starts pacing.  I’m surprised she wasn’t doing that already.  She paces when she feels boxed in, and this is definitely the type of situation where she’ll feel boxed in.  “I don’t know.”  She says it louder and she sounds angry.  Why is she angry?  I didn’t cheat on her, so why is she angry?  Why is she so mad?  “I don’t know.  I don’t know!”  She looks right at me when she says it.  Why is she so mad at me?  What did I do?  I can’t fight the tears that well up in my eyes but I don’t let them fall.  If she pissed at me for some reason that’s her problem.  I’m not going to let her see me cry.  But it’s still freaking me out.  Maybe we aren’t going to survive this like I thought we could.  Maybe we really are going to break up.

“Ok, you don’t know, I get it, just don’t yell at me.”  I didn’t want to sound that pitiful when I said that but I do sound weak and lost and I hate it.  I hate that this is happening to us, that we can’t even be here for each other.  I know this isn’t normal and we never thought something like this could happen because normally you need a man and woman to make a baby but with the way we live our lives, with all of the magic that happens we should have been more aware.  Maybe we should have cast some type of protection spell or something.  I’m watching Faith as she paces in front of the couch and her muscles are so tense and I know she’s reaching a breaking point.  I just hope we don’t get into a fight over this.  But then she walks over to the kitchen table and grabs her jacket and heads for the door.  “Where are you going?”  Why wasn’t she going to say anything?

“Out.  I’m going out for a while, don’t wait up,” she tells me.  She doesn’t sound mad, she sounds stressed and frustrated.  And she leaves before I can say anything and she doesn’t say anything else.  She just walks out the door and shuts it and walks down the hall, I can hear her boots on the floor.  Now I can’t hear her at all.  She’s left.  She left me.  Is she going to leave me for good?  Is this too much for her to take?  I don’t know, and I probably won’t.  Faith doesn’t like to open up and tell me what she thinks or how she feels.  She’s getting better about it but I think this is going to be a big set back in getting her to completely drop her guard around me.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to function right now.  On T.V. in situations like these the people are always so happy when the girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, but this is reality and I don’t know what to do.  They never show the couples who didn’t plan on having a baby and have no idea what they’re going to do.  They never show the couples who don’t really want the baby but don’t want to give it up either.  I look over at the clock, and it’s eight at night right now.  How long was I in Dawn’s room?  Where did all of that time go?  I haven’t had any dinner yet but I’m not hungry.  But I should make something in case Faith gets hungry later or if I decide to eat.  I don’t feel like slaying either so I won’t worry about that.  Kennedy can do the slaying tonight.

I open the fridge and take a look inside.  We don’t have much because we were supposed to go grocery shopping yesterday and I haven’t done anything but stay up and sit by the phone for the last couple of days.  I’ve been so stressed out and so bitchy to everyone around me.  I was so worried I was going to have some type of cancer or something and I didn’t care about anything but those test results.  So this situation could be worst, I could have cancer or something.  I pull out the lunch meat, it’s turkey I think, and make a couple of sandwiches with everything that Faith likes: mustard, mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, and two slices of a pickle.  I wrap them up in saran wrap so they’ll stay fresh and I put them back in the fridge.  At least she won’t go hungry.  Then again Faith is hungry almost all the time so I don’t think two sandwiches are going to fill her up for very long.

I go into our bedroom and change into my pajamas.  They’re light blue with little sheep all over them.  Faith thinks its kind of insane how I still wear things like these but I like them.  I’ve always worn weird pajamas and I’m not going to stop just because she thinks they’re strange or that it’s childish.  She still plays that stupid play station, that’s childish.  And she still reads comics.  But no, those aren’t considered childish because she likes to read them.  I bet if she wore pajamas like mine she wouldn’t think they were childish.  Ok, wait, why am I getting so mad at her?  I think I’m going insane.  Maybe that’s what’s really going on.  I’m not really pregnant, and Faith didn’t snap at me and then leave, I’m just insane.  This whole situation is just a figment of my overactive and insane imagination.  Now why don’t I believe myself?

I crawl under the covers of my cold bed and my eyes water up.  This is the first time I’ve gone to bed alone in a year and a half.  Sure, Faith has only been living with me, and Dawn for a year, but before that I would stay over at her place or she would spend the night here.  We didn’t always have sex sometimes we just slept.  I couldn’t sleep without her, still can’t actually.  I’m not used it and I always sleep better when she’s holding me.  But now I’m all alone, and it’s one of the most horrible feelings I’ve ever had.  I feel cut off from everyone else, like the entire world has abandoned me.  I feel one tear slip out and slide its way down my face and it lands on my pillow.  Now that one got away the rest want to get out and they can’t go fast enough.  I can’t control my sobs and I can’t breathe.  I feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t make it stop.

But I think I would rather have Faith gone then have her here and mad at me.  And I don’t know why she’s mad at me.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  We both made this baby, she’s just as much to blame as I am, and that witch is to blame even more.  I wonder if they did this on purpose.  I mean, if they’re a witch then they must know about slayers and all of that, so they have to know who we are.  Maybe they did this just to screw with us.  Or maybe Willow’s right and it was a spell gone wrong.  It was probably that.  I don’t know why someone would intentionally do this.  We didn’t ask for it, and I think Faith made it obvious that we’re not ready for it as a couple.  Wait, that isn’t fair.  I can’t blame it all on Faith.  I reacted pretty bad too.  So I didn’t yell at her and then leave, but I’m still in shock I guess.  My problem is I don’t know how to react.  I don’t know what I should be feeling right now.

I can feel her through our slayer connection.  She’s back, she’s finally back.  I have to make myself stop crying.  I can’t let her see that I was crying.  She isn’t the only one who can build a figurative wall.  I don’t like crying in front of other people, I don’t like feeling weak around them, but I guess I’m not going to get a choice in the matter because she’s at the bedroom door and I can’t make myself stop.  But she’s just standing there, why is she just standing out there?  Is she changing her mind?  Does she not want to be with some hormonal pregnant woman?  There’s a good chance that when I start getting fat she will leave me, or she’ll stop touching me.  What if she finds me so repulsive she can’t even look at me anymore?  What am I going to do then?  I hear the door open and I tense up.  I really don’t want her here right now, not while I’m like this.  But I don’t say anything.  As she gets closer my sobs get louder.  I don’t want her to break up with me, I love her too much to just let her walk away.

I open my eyes when I feel her presence right next to me.  She kneels down next to the bed and puts her hands on the edge of it to help herself stay balanced I guess.  She doesn’t look angry anymore.  She looks a little sad, and regretful.  At least she feels bad for just walking out like she did, if that’s what she’s feeling bad about.  Maybe she feels bad because she’s going to break up with me, and here I am sobbing and looking pathetic.  What do I mean by look?  I am pathetic.  There’s nothing about me now that isn’t pathetic.  But she’s just looking into my eyes, and she isn’t saying anything.  I wish she’d just give it over with.  If she’s going to break my heart I want her to do it fast because the sooner she does the sooner I can curl up in a ball and try to forget all of this is happening.  I finally force myself to stop sobbing and she takes in a little breath like she’s going to speak but she stays quiet.

“I thought about it, and I know what we’re gonna do,” she says after a couple of minutes.  She doesn’t sound angry anymore.  She sounds calm, and...understanding?  I’m not sure.  She reaches out and gently wipes some of my tears away.  Her touch is comforting and I want more of it but I don’t move.  I really want to hear what she has to say.  “You’re gonna go through the morning sickness and I’m gonna try and help you out.  You’re going to get really bitchy and have mood swings, but that isn’t too different from how you usually are.”  We both laugh because she’s trying to cheer me up.  She’s smiling and everything.  She wipes away the rest of my tears and smiles again.

“We’re going to talk to Giles about borrowing some money, and we’re going to buy everything a new little baby could possibly need.  Your stomach is gonna get bigger and you might feel self-conscious about it, but to me you’ll always be beautiful.”  I’m getting tears in my eyes again but because I’m so happy now.  She does want to be a mom, she does want to keep the baby, and she isn’t going to leave me.  “You’re gonna go through probably the worst pain you’ll ever feel.”  That’s true, and every scary.  “And our little baby is gonna come out and join the world.  And we’re going to bring him or her home and be a little happy family.”  I smile again and hold onto her hand the one that’s still caressing my face.  Her other one is gently rubbing my stomach and I don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it.

“It’s going to be a girl,” I tell her and smile a little.  A little baby girl that we can dress up and play dress up with and have tea parties.  I’m really starting to warm up to the idea of being a mom.  But she looks a little confused from what I said.  “Magic may have helped us make this.”  I put my hand over hers, the one that’s on my stomach.  “But neither of us have the proper equipment for making a baby boy.  Only a guy has a Y chromosome, we’re both Xs.  So there’s no way it could be a boy.”  She still looks a little confused but that’s ok.  As long as the baby is healthy I don’t care what it is.  But I really want a little girl.  I’ve always wanted a little girl.  I smile at her again and scoot over on the bed and hold the covers up.  She knows exactly what I want her to do.  She stands up and takes off her jeans and crawls under the covers.  “We’re going to be mommies.”  Now that I know she’s happy about this and wants to be a family I’m getting really excited.

“Yeah, we are,” she says and wraps her arms around me.  I love it when she holds me.  She makes me feel so safe.  “And I don’t want you to worry about anything ok?  I’ll talk to Giles about everything and we’ll work something out and if I have to get a job I will.  But all you have to do is relax, and grow a baby, ok?”  I give her a smile that says I’m about to open my mouth and argue with her.  There is no way in hell I’m leaving it up to her to be the one who makes all the money and supports us.  Nope, I’m going to get a job too if we have to.  But I have a feeling Giles is going to be more then willing to give us what we need.  I mean, this is his first grandchild.  Oh yeah, this baby is going to be spoiled rotten, and she’s going to love it too because she’s a Summers, and Summers women love to be pampered.

“Let’s talk about the details tomorrow, alright?  Lets just savor this right now.”  I go along with it right now but we are going to have a very serious conversation about this.  She isn’t going to Giles by herself.  I want to be there when she tells him the news, now that this is wonderful news.  I can’t wait to tell Dawn.  Oh, wait, she already knows.  Well, I can’t wait to tell her again now that we know what we’re going to do.  I snuggle up to her and give her a little kiss on the lips.  I’m way too tired from staying up for the last couple of days to make love right now but tomorrow night, possibly even tomorrow there is going to be some very hot loving.

“I love you.”  I kiss her again and when we pull back I say it back to her.  She doesn’t say those words that often so when she does I savor the sound of it.  I can’t believe we’re going to be parents.  Tonight I’m going to be thrilled about it but I know there are going to be moments of panic and doubt, but we’ll handle it when they happen.  As long as I have Faith by my side there’s nothing I can’t do.

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