Four Days Later. FPOV

I can’t stop shaking my leg. I’m just too damn nervous to sit still. It’s Wednesday, the day of Addy’s doctor’s appointment. Only the doctor didn’t know what was wrong with her. And he thinks it could be something serious. He said ‘I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, but just to make sure…’ and he gave us the name of an optometrist in Vegas. Well, she took a look about half an hour ago and couldn’t find anything wrong, but she thinks there is a problem, she just doesn’t know what. So she gave us the name and number of a neurologist at one of the best hospitals in Vegas and B’s filling out the forms while Addy sits next to her, sleeping. She wouldn’t hold still for the optometrist so she gave Addy something to make her drowsy. And it’s her naptime anyway.

I watch B get up from her seat and take the forms up to the nurses' station. B’s freaking out but she’s trying to act calm and collected. But I know her too well. She’s freaking out on the inside. She thinks there’s something seriously wrong with our baby and I’m startin to think she may be right. I don’t want to think that but when you go to the best pediatrician in the state and he can’t find what’s wrong but think there might be something, and then you go to the best optometrist in the state and she can’t find anything wrong but think there might be something you start to think they’re might be something wrong. God I hope not.

And I know this is gonna sound a little harsh at first so just chill until I finish explainin. But I hope there’s nothing wrong and not just because I don’t want there to be something wrong with my baby girl. I don’t want her to be sick, yeah, but I don’t want her to be sick partly because if there is something really wrong B could get too stressed out and if she gets too stressed out she could have a miscarriage. So I’m not just worried about Addy, but I’m worried about B and our other baby, the little unborn one. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. It doesn’t feel wrong.

B comes back from the nurses' station and picks Addy up and gives me a look like ‘ok, let’s go’. Standin behind her is a doctor. At least I’m assuming he’s a doctor ‘cause he’s standing like he thinks he’s hot shit and he’s wearing a white coat. So I get up and he leads us down some halls. I hold onto one of B’s hands and give it a gentle squeeze. I haven’t said a word since we left the optometrist’s office. I just don’t have anything to say.

“If you’ll just wait in here Dr. Moon will be with you shortly,” he says and leaves the room. I sit down in the plastic chair and sigh. I look up at B and she’s leaning against the examining table with Addy in her arms. Every once in a while she’ll turn her head and give our girl a little kiss on the forehead and she’s strokin her hair. Addy starts to move around, I guess the drug is starting to wear off.

“Mommy?” she asks and B gently rocks her and whispers somethin that I didn’t catch. Addy tries to lift her head from B’s shoulder but it plops back down. “Where are we?” She sounds a little scared. I stand up and walk over to my girls and gently rub Addy’s back.

“We’re at the doctor’s baby,” B says and keeps stroking Addy’s hair. “Close your eyes, angel girl.” I don’t know if Addy does or not but she stays quiet. I look into B’s eyes and I can see just how much she’s freaking. This is scaring the hell outta me and I don’t scare too easy. I guess this is different through. I can face big scary demons and vampires but a trip to the doctor has me close to trembling. The door opens and I whip around to see who it is. A tall man, with short gray hair and a gray goatee and a white doctor’s coat walks into the room, a chart in his hand and a blank look on his face.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Moon,” he says in a deep voice. He holds out his hand for me to shake and I introduce myself, then B does the same. “This must be Addison.” He looks at my little baby and she uses all her strength to hold up her head. Then she looks over at me and then at the doctor.

“Yeah, but my mama calls me Addy.” I can’t help but smile. The doctor does too and then he leans up against the wall and crosses his wrists over his stomach.

“Well, do you want me to call you Addison or Addy?” he asks in a very patient tone. I don’t even know the guy and already I have a little respect for him. Don’t get me wrong my slayer senses are high on alert. I’m not just gonna let anyone paw at my kid. Although it’s not really pawing because he’s a doctor, but I’m not gonna just trust my baby’s health with anyone. The first sign that this guy has ill intentions and we’re outta here. Anyway, I look over at Addy and she thinks about the question for a couple of seconds.

“Addison’s fine,” she says and sighs. God I really want to hear those two little words come out of this guys mouth when he tells me that she’s fine and there’s nothing to worry about. That this little thing with her eye is only temporary and it’ll go away in a couple of days. I have a feeling it’s a little more complicated then that.

“Alright Addison,” he says and stands up straight and takes a step forward. “Let’s see what’s going on with your eye.” Then he looks at B. “If you’ll put her on the table, please, I can get started.” She nods her head and puts our baby on the table but she stands next to her and holds onto her hand. Dr. Moon pulls a chair up really close to the table and sits down. He gets out the little flashlight thingy and tells Addison to be really still and he holds her eye open and shines the light on it, and then does it to the other one. “Pupil response is normal.” Well, that’s good. It sounds like it’s a good thing. Then he looks down at the chart and spends a few seconds reading it. “It says here she’s been experiencing slight dizziness and blurred vision in her right eye?” he asks and looks up at B.

“Yeah. A few days ago, um, Friday, I think, she was walking down the hall and then she stopped and started blinking a lot and then braced herself against the wall and she said her eye was fuzzy. I just assumed it was her vision.” She didn’t tell me that part. The just assuming part. It could be something completely different. He lets out a long ‘hmmmm’ and reads the chart again. Then he gets up and walks over to the phone on the wall and dials some numbers and then hangs up. I don’t like this whole him being quiet thing. It’s really starting to bug me.

“Is she going to be ok?” B asks and I look over at my little girl to make sure she’s not panicking or anything. We’ve been down playin this a lot, trying to make Addy think there’s nothing wrong. But I think she knows something isn’t right. I think she can sense how tense I am and it’s been freaking her out a little bit all day long. I look over at Dr. Moon and he rubs his chin and looks at me and then to Buffy.

“Well, we don’t know what’s wrong yet so I can’t say.” Wow, that was probably the very opposite of what he should have said. “But we’re going to do everything we can to find out what’s going on and even more to fix it.” He tries to reassure her but the damage has been done. I walk over to her and gently rub her back with one hand and hold onto her hand with the other. “There’s no reason to panic or get upset.” Yeah right. “Let’s just stay calm until we find out if there’s something to cry over.” He puts a reassuring hand on B’s shoulder and she nods her head a little bit.

“My mommy cries a lot ‘cause of the baby growing in her belly. She didn’t cry a lot before. Only when my mama said something to make her sad,” Addy says and the doctor smiles at her and I can’t help but smile too. That’s my girl, always has to get in her two cents even if it has nothing to do with what we’re talking about.

“The best way to proceed from here is to get an MRI. We’ll get a better idea of what’s going on. If nothing shows up there are a couple other tests we can run. But if there’s anything going on the MRI should bring it up.” Should bring it up. But it’s not guaranteed. I fucking hate this. Give me a demon to kill to make this all go away and I’m there. I can’t handle all this medical shit because I have to give up the control over to someone I don’t even know. The door opens and another man walks in. He’s young, mid twenties maybe, with brown hair that really needs to be combed. He must be an intern.

“You paged me, Dr. Moon?” he asks and walks into the room and closes the door. Dr. Moon hands him the chart and he opens it up and looks at it for a few seconds before looking up at the older man. Then he looks at me, then B, then Addy and then back to Dr. Moon.

“Yeah, we have a two-year-old with blurred vision and dizziness. Order an MRI and page me before she goes in, I want to find out what’s going on.” Then he turns back to me and B. “I have a couple other things I have to attend to right now, but Dr. Simmons will take great care of you. Now if you’ll excuse me.” He nods his head a little and then leaves the room, leaving us alone with the intern. I’m not sure if he’s an intern but he looks young and a little...frazzled. I guess he’s not used to working with kids. Dr. Simmons writes something down in the chart and then walks over to the phone and dials some numbers and talks to someone on the other end for about a minute and then hangs up.

“Um, I need to prep her before she goes in. She can’t be wearing any metal and she needs to change into a gown,” he tells us and walks over to a drawer and pulls out a little gown. He hands it to me. “I’ll, uh, step outside while you do that.” And he leaves the room. And they expect me to trust my child’s life in the hands of that guy? Oh well. I take off Addy’s bracelet and  B helps me undress her and we change her into the gown. Addy can normally undress herself but she’s still a little...uncoordinated because of the sedative the optometrist gave her. Then the intern walks back into the room and outside the door I can see someone else stop in the doorway with a gurney. An empty gurney. Then Dr. Simmons walks up to my little girl and gives her a charming smile.

“Hey Addison, do you like spaceships?” She nods her head yes. “Well do you want to go with me and lay inside a giant spaceship?” He’s putting emphasis on some of his words and trying to make it sound really exciting. I have to give the guy some credit, at least he’s trying. She nods her head yes and he smiles again. “If one of you will put her on the gurney we can get going.” B picks her up and puts her on the gurney and we walk with her down the hall and into the elevator. We start to follow the man pushing my daughter towards a room but we’re stopped. “Um, you have to come back here with me. We have a large window so you can see her but unless she starts panicking its better if you stay with me.” If he says so.

We follow him into a dark room with a large window on the wall separating this room from the next. In the other room is the large MRI machine and it sort of looks like a spaceship, if you’re almost three at least. The man who was pushing her then says something to her and smiles and she lets him pick her up and he lays her down on the machine and says something else to her. Then he pushes a button and a little conveyer belt type thing pulls my baby into the large tube like machine. In front of me is a large desk with lots of computer screens and a couple keyboards and sitting at this is a small man who beings typing and some images pop onto one of the screens.

“How are you doing Addison?” Dr. Simmons asks into a little microphone. She doesn’t seem scared or anything, at least not that I can see. The man who put her on there must’ve told her about the speakers.

“I’m ok,” she says and I hear it through the speaker that’s on the large desk. She doesn’t sound scared at all. “But this doesn’t look like a spaceship. I think the other doctor was wrong.” I can’t help but smile. Dr. Simmons laughs a little and then presses the button for the microphone.

“Yeah, I guess he was. Now, do you remember what that other man told you?” he asks but he doesn’t wait for her to answer. “Lay really still for me ok?” She says a little ‘ok’ and the images start to change. I guess she had been moving around after all. After about five minutes the guy at the computer turns off the machine and there are about five images up, a different one on each screen.

Dr. Simmons looks at all of them and then walks over to the phone and dials some numbers and then hangs up. He tells us that there’s nothing to worry about so I can’t help but worry. About ten minutes later Dr. Moon walks into the room and takes a look at the films, after he tells off the younger guy for not paging him before they did the MRI. He takes a pen out of his pocket and uses the tip to point at a little spot on one of the films.

“Do you see that?” he asks me and B. There’s a tiny, little black spot on the picture and if I didn’t know any better I’d say it was just a piece of dirt on the screen, but apparently it’s not. We both nod our heads yes and I feel B take me by the hand and I gently squeeze her. “It’s a little tumor pressing against her optic nerve.” I’m sorry, but did he say-

BPOV

A tumor? A tumor in her brain? A brain tumor? That’s what she has? I can’t help it when my eyes water up and I have to fight like hell to pay attention to the rest of what he has to say.

“It’s operable and we’ll be able to remove the entire thing.” Well that’s good. That’s very good. “But there are some risks.” And that’s bad, very, very bad. Risks are always very bad. Why do there have to be risks? “She could lose her sight, there’s no way of knowing until after the surgery if it’s happened, and if it does she’ll be blind for the rest of her life.” I look through the glass and watch as the man who put her in there gently picks her up and puts her back on the gurney and then wheels her out of the room. Where is he taking her? “But if we don’t operate right away, the tumor can grow and cause her to lose her sight and damage other areas of her brain and ultimately kill her. I think it would be best if we proceed immediately.”

This can’t be happening. It just can’t. Not her, not to Addison. She’s just a little baby. She’s my little baby. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s too young to have done something to deserve this. It’s just wrong! I feel Faith squeeze my hand again and I lean against her. I have to ask. There’s no way I can’t ask.

“Is this...I mean, my mother she had a brain tumor, is this genetic?” If it is then we need to get Matthew in right away and get him tested and then Dawn and then me. But the doctor shakes his head no and tries to explain to me how this could have occurred but I can’t focus on what he’s saying. The only thing I can think about is my baby girl and the thought of losing her forever. I can’t handle it. “I’m sorry...I just….” And I let go of Faith’s hand and leave the room.

I couldn’t be in there anymore. This is just too much. I wander around the halls, not sure where I’m going and not caring. My baby girl is sick and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. There’s no demon I can kill, no vampire army I can stop, no spell anybody can cast. There’s nothing and it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. I say one of because this feeling of fear is way worse. I don’t want my baby to die and it’s a major possibility. I mean, we all thought my mom was going to get better and then…. What if the same thing happens to my baby? It was so hard when I lost my mom…I don’t think I’d survive if I lost one of my babies.

I’d never get to see her grow up. I won’t get to watch her fall in love for the first time, get her heart broken for the first time, and go through all the normal firsts that everyone goes through. I’ll never get to have the relationship I want to have with her. We’ll never get to stay up late talking about boys and eating ice cream. We won’t even get to fight about all the normal stuff that parents and teenagers usually fight about. I won’t get to help her get ready for her prom and then take pictures of her and her date and make a big fuss over her. I won’t get to help her put on her wedding dress and watch Matthew, or some other man close to her, give her away. I won’t get to hold her hand and help coach her through the delivery of her babies.

I don’t think I can walk anymore. There’s a chair against this wall for some reason so I go ahead and sit down in it. It’s not very comfortable, like everything else in this hospital and every other hospital across the nation. I can’t feel anything anymore. I’m just…numb. I think if I could feel how much this is effecting me I’d die. It’s just too much. Oh God, I left…I just left, how could I leave like that? My baby’s probably asking for me and no one can find me. Will I ever stop screwing up? I have to stop thinking like this. I can’t do it any more. The doctor said the tumor is operable or whatever. That they can remove all of it. I can’t be thinking that my baby is going to die when she goes into surgery because if she does then it’ll be like I did it and I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself if that happens.

“Hey…” I look up to see Faith standing about three feet away from me. How long has she been there? “They’re, uh, getting her settled in her room. Thought I’d come see if you’re ok.” She came to see if I was ok? This has to be killing her on the inside too and she’s seeing if I’m ok? Could anyone else be a better wife? I don’t think so. I don’t think it gets any better then this. I lean forward and grab onto her hand and gently pull her down into my lap and wrap my arms around her. I need to feel her…I just need to know that I’m not in this alone. I felt so alone when it was all happening with my mom. My fault mostly, I cut myself off from everyone. I didn’t give Dawn as much credit as I should have. She was a lot more mature then I was willing to realize. And no one else could really understand what I was going through. Faith understands because this is her baby too.

“I’m not ok.” I tell her and she gives me a soft, sweet and very short kiss on my lips. I’m going to need more then that but I live without it for now. “I don’t think I can do this again, Faith. I just…my mom was better then it just…happened. And when they make Addison better, when they take the tumor out I’m always going to be worried that something will just…happen.” She caresses my cheek with the back of her fingers and gently kisses me again, shutting me up. I guess she doesn’t want to hear it right now.

“Nothing is gonna happen B. I was talking about it with the doctor after you left. There’s this stuff that they’re gonna put inside her where the tumor is so it won’t just be a hole. The stuff will…decompose or whatever, when the space stats to fill up with fluid. I asked ‘em about it, told ‘em a little about what happened to your mom and they said we don’t have anything to worry about. Said somethin about all the medical advances that have happened since then or some shit like that.” This is a weird feeling that I’m getting inside right now. It’s like a mix of both relief and anger. Relief because of the ‘medical advances’ and anger because they didn’t happen sooner. If they had happened sooner maybe my mom would still be alive.

“How is she? Did you talk to her before you came to find me?” I sound a little panicked but I know Faith wouldn’t leave our baby if she was scared or needed her in some way. Faith just smiles and gives me another kiss. This one is a little longer. I guess she’s getting super needy right now too. I know I am and I feel so bad about it. My baby’s in the hospital with a tumor in her brain and all I can feel is this need for Faith to be touching me, to take the worry away.

“She’s fine. I didn’t talk to her but I was watchin from the door and when I left she was tellin off Dr. Moon ‘cause the MRI didn’t look like a spaceship. I think the guy was close to tears.” Sounds like our girl. It’s so cute when she tells someone off. She puts her hands on her hips and gets this little attitude like she’s the boss of the person she’s yelling at, or something. I can’t help but let out a little laugh. “But we need to get back soon or she’ll start asking about us.” Yeah, she will. Faith gets up and helps me to my feet. She wraps her arm around my lower back as she leads me through the halls. Did I really come this far? How long have I been gone?

Faith stops in front of a door to the room that our little girl is in. She’s too busy talking to Dr. Simmons to look over and notice us, but that’s fine. I just want to watch right now. She doesn’t seems scared at all. I thought little kids were supposed to be scared of hospitals. Why isn’t she worrying and asking for us? She’s just so independent already and I don’t like it. I know it’s a good thing that she’s this way, it’ll be easier when college rolls around and all that other stuff, but…is it so wrong for me to want my baby to want me by her side?

“Alright, Addison, this might hurt a little,” Dr. Simmons says and wheels over and I.V. thing and picks up the needle off the table. He keeps talking to her, trying to distract her from what he’s doing as he slowly puts the needle on the back of her little hand but she’s not buying into it. She’s watching what he’s doing. She’s watching the needle go inside her and she’s not freaked out or wincing in pain or anything. “You ok?” he asks and she just sits there. Ok, maybe this is a bad thing after all. Me and Faith rush forward at the same time and she walks away from me and stands on the other side of the bed.

“Baby, are you alright?” I ask and Addison looks up at me with tears in her big greenish brown eyes. I wrap my arm around her and give her a kiss on the top of her head. “It’s ok, it’s just some medicine that’s going to help make you better.” Ok it isn’t a full lie. It’s just some fluid so she doesn’t get dehydrated. But she’s still a little freaked. The doctor says something like ‘don’t worry, everything will be fine’ and then he leaves the room. I wasn’t really paying attention because I’m too busy trying to comfort my little girl. She’s better now and she’s pulling away from me. I feel like my heart’s ripping in two. She doesn’t want me.

Ok, Buffy, calm down. She’s just trying to get comfortable on the bed. She’s going to be here for a while, might as well be comfortable. So I sit down on the plastic chair and watch as Faith plays red hands with her. I’d rather they not play that game but whatever. Let her do what she wants, she’s sick so for a while she gets a ‘get out of jail free card’ until she’s better. Oh no…I completely forgot about Matthew. With everything that’s been going on. We didn’t leave him all alone Emma’s watching him. But still, his sister is sick someone needs to tell him.

“I’m gonna go back to the house. Someone needs to talk to Matthew,” they both look at me with the same worried look on their faces. Probably because my voice cracked. Faith gets up and wraps her arms around me and Addison crawls to the end of the bed and holds onto my hand. I hear her say something but I’m trying so hard not to break down that I didn’t catch it. Faith pulls back and gives me a little kiss on the lips.

“It’s ok, you stay. I’ll go talk to him.” I nod my head and feel a little relieved. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to my son but…I don’t think I’d be able to get through the talk without breaking down and if he seems me cry because of this then he’ll get really freaked out. She gives me another kiss and then walks over to the bed. “Ok, angel girl.” Addison got that nickname more from a sarcastic remark I made one day when Addison was acting up. I was talking to Kim and just ranting about the downsides of motherhood and she asked me a question about Addison and I replied ‘oh yeah, she’s a regular little angel girl’. And I started calling her that and then Faith copied me. She picks Addison up and gives her a big kiss on the cheek.

“Take care of Mommy while I’m gone ok?” I smile a little and Addison nods her head a little. Then Faith gives her another kiss and puts her back down on the bed. She gives me a quick kiss on the lips and a ‘see ya in a bit’ as she walks out the door. I sigh and sit down at the foot of the bed and my little girl holds onto my hand. Who would’ve thought she would be the one to comfort me? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m the mom, I’m supposed to do the comforting. Even when my mom was sick she tried her hardest to comfort Dawn and me. And here my baby is, in the hospital with an I.V. in her hand and she’s trying to make sure I’m ok. How lame am I?

Chapter 29: The Strong One (part 2)

The Same Day. FPOV

I told B I was gonna go talk to Mattie, and I am, but there's somethin I gotta do first. Even with me there for her, going through this with her she's gonna feel alone. This is just a really big battle and she always tries to fight the big ones alone unless she has to accept some help. But I can't make her let me in. I can't force her to open up to me. And I think the more people who are here to help the better. Besides, they're family, you're supposed to tell your family when one of your own is sick. So I walk to the pay phones in the lobby and dig out some change. I put in the three quarters and dial the number. It rings five times before someone finally picks up. A receptionist? Since when does he have a receptionist?

“Hi, uh, I need to talk with Rupert Giles, it's an emergency.” She asks what the emergency is and I can't help the growl that crawls out of my throat. “It's none of your damn business, now put him on the phone before I fly out there and shove the phone up your ass.” I can't help it. With everything that's going on I don't know how much more I can take. But it worked because I'm being patched through right now.

“Hello, this is Rupert Giles,” he sounds irritated. But his voice, no matter what the tone, sounds good right now. I guess over the years he's become like a dad to me. I sigh and shift my weight from foot to foot.

“Giles, it's Faith.” I can almost feel him tense up at the sound of my voice. I do sound pretty grim. I guess he thinks somethin bad happened to Buffy. “Listen, I can't really explain everything right now, but I need you to call Red and Xander and Dawnie and have `em come out here. Something's wrong with Addy and B could really use you guys right now.” I hear him suck in a breath and if I weren't a slayer I probably still would've heard it.

“How serious is it?” That's a really good question. The doctor told me I don't have nothin to worry about, that everything is gonna be fine, but at the same time he was saying he won't know the exact `extent of the damage' until they've cut her open. So this little black dot on a screen could turn out to be murderous.

“I'm not sure. The doctor isn't willing to say. It's a tumor, in her brain. It's, um…pressing against the nerve to her eye or somethin and they have to go in a take it out. Look, I gotta go talk to Matthew, just get everyone here, ok?” I can feel the tears trying to build but I blink `em back.

“Yes, of course. We'll all be there as soon as possible. What hospital are you at?” I give him the name and I hear him scribbling it down on a piece of paper. “I'll see you when we arrive. Tell Buffy…” he trails off but I know what he wants to say. He wants me to tell her that everything's gonna be fine. That he's gonna be here for her, and he won't leave until she's absolutely sure she can stand on her own two feet without him.

“Yeah, I will.” I hang up the phone and stand there for a few minutes trying as hard as I can not to cry. I can't cry yet. I have to hold it in. If my boy sees that I've been crying then he'll just get freaked. And if I cry in front of him then he'll panic. At least I think he will. He knows that I'm not a crier like Buffy can be, so if I cry in front of him then he'll know just how bad this really is and I don't want him knowin that. I want him to believe that everything is going to be ok even though I don't fully believe it myself.

I leave the hospital and get in B's car and make my way back to Lincoln. There's a lot of traffic out now that people are getting off work but it doesn't take me too long to get back home. I park in the driveway, shut off the engine and just stare at my hands on the steering wheel. I don't know if I can do this. I told B I'd do it because she looked like she'd rather die then leave Addy's side. With everything that happened with her mom I don't think B's gonna be leaving that hospital until Addy's ok. I sigh and get out of the car. I walk into the house and slowly shut the door. Why am I being so quiet? I don't know but it seems normal. I walk into the living room and see Emma sitting on the couch, watching T.V. with Tucker laying at her feet, and I hear Mattie and his friends in the kitchen.

“Hey,” I say and Emma jumps a little. She gets up and notices the look on my face. Is it that obvious that something's wrong? She asks me about it but I change the subject, tell her thanks for watching my boy and pay her and she leaves pretty quick. It was getting pretty tense in here. I walk into the kitchen and see Mattie sitting at the table with all of his friends and there's a large pizza at the center of the table and most of it's gone. He looks so…carefree? I don't know the word for it but I really don't want to ruin it. I am Faith, the bearer of bad news. “Hey guys, why don't you run on home.” They all turn and look at me and just stare at me like I'm some kinda freak. “Go home, Mattie can't play anymore.” They all get up and leave. Not from my words exactly but by my tone. I never thought I'd ever talk to a little kid like that before, let alone a group of `em.

“Mama, what's wrong?” he asks and gets up. I scratch at the back of my neck and he knows it's serious. Damn nervous habit. I motion for him to follow me and we go into the living room and I sit down on the couch. He sits down too but farther away from me then I'd like. But I'm not gonna stress about it. “Where's Mom and Addison?” He looks a little freaked out now. I sigh and run a hand through my hair. And now he looks like he's going to panic. Why do I have so many nervous habits?

“They're fine, they're still at the doctor's.” He doesn't believe that they're fine. I can tell by the worried look on his face. “Look, remember how Addy's eye was bothering her?” He nods his head. “Well, there's a little tumor inside her brain and it's messing up her eye.” He looks away from he and his neck is turning really red. I reach out and rub his back. His muscles are really tight `cause he's so damn tense. He looks up at me with a blank stare and a chill just ran down my spine.

“Is she gonna die?” What? Wow did I really explain this wrong. I scoot closer to him and drape my arm across his shoulders.

“No, she's gonna be fine. The doctors are going to take the tumor out and she's gonna be fine.” Again with the whole not fully believing me thing. Maybe I'm doing this all wrong. God I wish B was here, she's so much better at the talking thing then me. Being there when he's sick, playing with him, understanding some of his childish ways I got all that covered. Talking to him about really important stuff that's more B's area, always has been always will be. “Do you wanna see her?” He nods his head yes and goes to get up but stops.

“What about Tucker? Whose gonna stay with him?” I look down at my dog and he looks so sad. I guess he can feel all he tension and shit `cause animals are good at that kinda thing. I reach out and stroke the top of my dog's head. He's always had really soft fur. Probably `cause whenever I give him a bath I use `people shampoo' and not the shit they sell for dogs `cause it smells really bad. I think I got the only dog in the world that smells like Pantene Pro-V.

“We're not gonna be there all night. We'll just go visit for a while, ok?” He looks pissed but he doesn't say anything. I stand up and grab my keys off the little end table by the door. “Come on, we gotta get going.” I'm starting to worry about B now. All this stress, it's not good for her or the baby. Something could happen and I need to get there to make sure it doesn't. I guess Mattie hears the urgency in my voice `cause he gets up and gives Tucker one last pat on the head and walks out the door. The drive back to the hospital is silent and it's taking longer then I want it too, but there's so much traffic. Fuckin people trying to get home from work. Have you heard of overtime, you assholes?

An hour later we finally pull up in the parking lot. The elevator ride up is almost silent, except for the annoying music. I put my hand on my boy's shoulders and pull him a little closer to me, so he's pressed up against me. I just…I need to feel someone right now. This is too much. That and I want him to know he's not alone. He reaches up and holds onto my hand. He hasn't held onto my hand in a long time and I can't help but crack a little smile. I lead him to the room and I can't help but feel some panic start to rise when I see Dr. Simmons arguing with Buffy. He's trying to get her to sit down in a wheelchair and she's refusing.

“Miss, you really need to be examined. Now please just cooperate.” He reaches out to touch her shoulder but she pushes his hand away. I give Mattie's shoulder a gentle squeeze and he gets my meaning: stay out of the way or you might get hurt. I walk into the room and clear my throat to get their attention.

“What's going on here?” I ask and hold my arms across my chest. B looks a little scared, not just because of what's going on but because she knows I'll make her get examined. Not by physical force or anything but I can deal out a guilt trip like nobody's business. The doctor looks at me and then at Buffy and back at me. I try not to roll my eyes. I know what the problem is. They're not allowed to release medical information to anyone outside the family unless the patient consents to it. And Buffy hasn't said a word. But, I have a little weapon up my sleeve. “We have a power of attorney, now what the hell is going on?” He sighs in frustration and looks over at B again then back to me.

“She's been through a lot of stress because of what's happening with your daughter.” Understandable. “And a few minutes ago she winced in pain and grabbed at her stomach. The stress could be effecting the fetus and we won't know until she's examined and she's not cooperating.” B looks at me with a little guilt and then glares at the doctor.

“Because I'm fine. I don't need to be examined, I need to be with my daughter.” She's getting angry and it's upsetting the kids. I walk up to her and gently rub her back and she tenses for a second but then relaxes. “Faith, I'm fine, really. The baby's ok, I'm ok. Everything's gonna be ok.” The problem with that sentence is she sounds like she's trying to convince herself more then she's trying to convince me. And trust me I'm not convinced.

“Baby, let's talk outside.” I look over at Mattie and nod my head towards Addy and he stands by the bed. She gets all excited now that she's finally noticed him and gives him a big hug and a smile. He hugs her back for longer then he normally does at home. I turn back to the doctor. “Keep an eye on him?” He just nods his head. I take B by the hand and we walk outside the room and I shut the door. I let go of her hand and stand about two feet away from her. She's looking down at her feet and pickin at her cuticles. “What the fuck?” She looks up at me and then back down. “Do you wanna kill our baby?” She looks up at me like I just slapped her or something and she puts her hands protectively over her stomach.

“No! God, how could you ask me something like that?” And she regrets it as soon as she says it. `Cause I'm gonna tell her why and it's probably gonna make her feel bad about herself, but she'll get the exam and we'll find out what's going on.

“Because you felt some pain, which means there's something wrong, and you won't let the fucking doctor get it checked out. There could be something really wrong, Buffy.” Use of her full name, she knows I'm dead serious. “And you're just fuckin standing there fighting him off.” I sigh and run my hands through my hair. I slowly walk over to her and put one of my hands over hers, they're still resting on her stomach. I lean forward and rest my forehead against hers. This contact is more for me then it is her. I really need to feel her right now.

“Look, I know you're worried about Addy, we all are, but you can't ignore this baby….” I gently squeeze my hand. “I know you don't wanna leave Addy's side but the only way we're gonna find out if there's something wrong with junior here is if you do.” I really wish I knew the sex of the baby, but it's not developed enough for us to know. I bring my other hand up and gently caress her cheek. “Please, B, we've got enough problems as it is, please. I don't know if I'd be able to stay strong and go on if we lose this one.” I gently force my hand in between hers and softly rub her stomach. She sighs and lifts her head away from mine but she doesn't step back.

“Fine,” she says, sounding irritated. “But I'm not going to be happy about it.” I try not to smile. She just has to be difficult about everything, doesn't she? I give her a soft kiss and it quickly turns into something more. I didn't mean for this to happen but with everything that's going on…I need it, and I need it bad. But someone behind her coughs and we break apart, a thin trail of spit sticks to our bottom lips for a few seconds until it breaks and lands on my chin. B sighs and walks past the doctor and plops herself down in the wheelchair. She's acting like a spoiled two year old, and if there weren't so much bad stuff going on I'd probably laugh.

“Well are you going to give me that exam or not?” she snaps at the doctor and he quickly runs around the back of the chair and wheels her out of the room. “Wait,” she says before he passes me. I'm about to send her on another little trip but she grabs my wrist and pulls me to her. She kisses me for a whole minute it seems like and then pulls away and cups my cheek with one of her hands. “Stay with her ok? I'll be fine, just don't leave Addison, ok?” I nod my head yes and give her one last kiss and the doctor wheels her away. I stand there and watch as they disappear down the hall. I look down when I feel someone gently grab my hand and I look down.

“Mommy's ok.” Addison says. Little shit snuck out of her bed and pulled the I.V. with her. Takes after me I guess. I did the same thing when I was in labor with her. I smile at her and pick her up and give her a big kiss on the cheek and nuzzle her neck.

“Yeah she is. She's gonna be ok.” I take her back into the room and see Mattie sitting in the plastic chair and he's rubbing his cheek. What the hell? “You ok?” I ask and he nods his head yes. Addy giggles a little. This little evil giggle that she does and it freaks me out every time. Reminds me of every horror movie I've seen that involves evil little kids.

“He wouldn't let me get off the bed so I smacked him good.” I roll my eyes and set her down on the bed. She looks at him and sees how upset he is and she gets all concerned. She jumps off the bed even though I try to grab her, she's a fast little shit, and jumps into Mattie's lap and wraps her arms around his neck. “I'm sorry, Brother. I didn't mean it.” He wraps his arms around her and gently rubs her back.

“It's ok, it doesn't hurt,” he tells her and she leans back a little and gives him a little kiss on his cheek. She leans against him again and they just sit there together, in silence and as much as I want to enjoy the moment and sweetness of it all, I can't help but feel a little selfish. `Cause they have each other, and B has me and the scoobs, but I don't have anyone. Then I remember: yeah I do. I just forgot `cause of all this craziness.

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