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Pairing: Buffy / Faith.

I said NC-17 just to be safe.

Not really

All Characters are Property of Joss Whedon and ME

Notes: Ah, lets see. Each "chapter" is just a moment in time. There is no definite timeline. Most of the story you have to make up yourself :)

Special kudos: go to Sophy for betaing.

Dedication: To my Beavis, the other half of Butthead. ROPHY! *ruff ruff* :-p

Summary: Awaiting Summary

Print Version: Adobe Reader PDF

Flashes -Black.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. My eyes are drooping shut, but at the very last second, my eyes fly open, and my whole body jumps a little.

I'm afraid to let me eyes close. I'm afraid, because if they do, I know what I'd see. I'd see her. It's bad enough that she consumes all my waking hours, now she's invading my sleep as well.

And these aren't the happy dreams that I secretly wish for, these are the ones that make you whimper out in fear. Fear that this is real, or one day will be.

Suddenly my eyes shut, and it's a bright day, but everyone is wearing black. The dark wooden box is being lowered slowly into the ground, and the hard soil becomes saturated with our tears. Tears that we would never shed for her when she was alive.

I ease my eyes open, trying to block out the images that now haunt me. So this is why I don't close my eyes, this is why I lay awake night after night, only to pretend during the day that I don't care. To play the role of the hardened commander, the role that we both feel safer with, and the role that won't change.

Flashes - Yellow.

"Stop saying that, it's not like that!" she practically screams at me, and I back away a little involuntarily, scared by her venom.

"I'm sorry," I squeak out, and I am. I never meant it to get to this far, the two of us having a screaming match in her apartment.

I move forward and take her almost awkwardly into my arms, and I can feel her anger, her fear, and....something else, radiating off her. I run my hands up and down her back slowly, trying to calm her.

She rests her head on my shoulder, and I feel her tears seep through my top. Tears that I doubt we knew that were there to fall.

I stroke her hair slowly, and we both draw back at the same time, looking deeply into each other's eyes, as if hypnotised.

"I better get..." I stutter, still unable to look away.

"Ya.." she breathes out slowly, and as we break apart from each other, I swear I hear her sigh softly.

I turn to the door, and I hear her mumble her thanks as I reach for the doorknob.

I walk away smiling.

Flashes - Green.

I'm staring at her, and I just can't stop. The gang knows that there is something wrong, but I don't think that any of them could guess just how wrong.

She's on the dance floor, and her movements have me captivated. She's dancing with some random guy, well if you could actually call it dancing, sex with your clothes on seems more appropriate and all I want to do is go over there and throw the guy off her, and take his place.

But of course, I don't. I stay where I am, downing yes another drink. How many is it now? I've lost count, and while I am pondering this question, Faith suddenly pounces on me, but unfortunately, not literally.


I groan inwardly, wishing that she'd go away and leave me drown my sorrows in peace.

She tugs my arm, declaring that we just have to dance, and before I know what is happening, she has practically dragged me to the dance floor, pushing her way through to get us enough room. She starts to move to the music, swaying her body in time to the beats. For a moment I just stare at her before instinct kicks in, and I start to move with her.

We dance closer and closer, until we are almost grinding, and I feel my whole body flush at the contact, wanting and needing more. She leans into me, shouting in my ear

"You ok, B?"

I snap myself out of my thoughts, and nod mutely, and continue dancing.

Flashes -Blue.

I pluck the petals off the flower one by one, she loves me, she loves me not. What a joke, as if she could love me. A brief moment in the Bronze really didn't mean anything, especially not to her.

The feel of our thighs rubbing together had been heaven to me, but all too fleeting. But who knows what it meant to her? Just another outlet for one half of her H & Hs.

I'm sitting on the grass, and throwing the petals into the soft blowing wind. Just wondering why the hell am I so depressed? I have great friends that love me, and a sister that I adore. And yet....I crave her.

Falling in love with her was something that happened so quickly that I didn't even have a choice in the matter. Suddenly I'd find myself thinking about her, on patrol, with the gang, eating - it didn't matter what I was doing. I'd just start daydreaming of her. She has become my purpose, and she wouldn't even care if she knew.

I imagine telling her sometimes. Her mouth would be gaping, and her face would have a dazed look. Of course this is when I think about the dramatic music, and her slow motion, heartfelt declaration of love for me.

While in reality, she'd have me beaten to the floor. And the only music I'd hear would be the ambulance sirens coming to collect my bruised body, and battered heart.

Flashes -Red.

She pins my hands above my head with one of her own, and she pushes me back against the wall with her body. I close my eyes, and her breath tickles my face before her lips press gently against mine.

She kisses me slowly, moving her lips softly against my own, and she then slips her tongue into my mouth, and as I suck deeply on it, I feel her lose control.

She moves her free hand down to my ass, and pulls me against her, hard. Her thigh is between my legs and I gasp when she starts to move it against me gently.

She pulls back from my lips, and groans out:

"I've always wanted you"

And she leans into my neck, and licks and nips at the skin there. She squeezes my ass harder, and pulls me against her more, and my whole body shudders at this small contact. I move my body with her own, and continue to ride her leg, moaning out her name.

She moves off me completely and grabs one of my hands, and moans out:


Flashes - White.

I look at her now, and I just feel so lucky. She's got this small smile on her face, and I wish I knew what she was dreaming. I snuggle up closer to her and kiss her softly on the cheek.

Hey eyelashes flutter a little, and she lets out a sigh. She pulls me closer to her and I happily breathe in the scent that is just....her.

I kiss her cheek again, and start to play with a bit of her hair, twirling it between my fingers. Her face breaks into a full smile and I know she's awake.

She leans forward and kisses me gently on the lips before pulling back and whispering:

"Good morning"

I kiss her again before mumbling "Morning" against her lips.

I pull back again, and we just smile at each other for a minute.

"I love you," she says quietly, and I can hear the sincerity in her voice. I feel the tears flowing down my cheeks and I don't know why I'm crying.

She kisses my tears away. Asking me what's wrong.

"Is this a dream?" I ask, fearing it might be.

"No baby, this is as real as it gets"
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