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PART NINE: The Calm Before

When Buffy woke, she was alone in the bed, and her heart jumped a little the way it always did when she woke up alone after sleeping with someone. There was probably some Psych 101 explanation having to do with Angel and Parker, dating back to some deep-seeded fear of abandonment because of her father. But Buffy felt it was more about opening her eyes to an empty room than anything else.

She sat up, pushing her hair back, and glanced at the nightstand, where a piece of paper was propped against the lamp. She smiled and reached over, grabbing it.

B,
Went to talk to Casey @ 7pm. Might take awhile.
Left money on the counter & pizza place number.
No mushrooms!! Dawn called, said the pipe Xander
told you about three months ago burst. She sounds
pissed.
-F

P.S. Remind me to go food shopping. Sick of fighting
the ants for crumbs.

Buffy massaged her temple and slid over to the side of the bed, picking up the cordless phone and dialing home.

"What are you DOING?" came the accusatory voice on the other end.

"Hi to you too," Buffy sighed, glancing around and grabbing an oversized shirt of Faith's. There was something just a little too eerie about being on the phone with her sister while naked. She smiled, because the shirt smelled like Faith's shampoo, and because 'Freak Wharf' sounded very Faith-ish.

"It's hard to be polite when your basement is a lake, Buffy. The neighbors want to know if we have a monthly membership fee, and how late the snack bar is open. When are you coming home?"

"I-I don't know, Dawnie. Look, the checkbook is under the aloe plant in the livingroom. Just tell Xander to find the best and cheapest guy, and get it fixed."

There was some mumbling in the background as Dawn put her hand over the speaker and talked to, Buffy assumed, Xander.

"Xander says 'best' and 'cheapest' are antithetical concepts. I thought you were coming home."

Buffy sighed and laid back on the bed, putting her hand over her face. "I know I said that. But I changed my mind."

"Why?"

"Because Faith changed hers."

Dawn's voice grew soft, "Buffy.. what about her fiance`?"

"She wants to be with me," Buffy said defensively, pulling at the edge of her shirt. "She told me. She wants me."

Dawn was quiet for a moment, then her voice took on a funny tone. "Are you moving to Boston?"

"No," Buffy said quickly. "I wouldn't leave you."

A longer pause. "Then Faith's going to move back with you?"

This time, Buffy paused. "I.. I don't know. I guess so?"

"But.. you said she has a job and stuff there."

"She can get a new job," Buffy snapped, her patience wearing thin. She didn't want to think about that, she wanted to think about Faith coming home, and them making love all night again.

Dawn sighed heavily. "Well, Xander said to let him know when you're gonna come back. He'll pick you up at the airport. And Giles said you can charge the ticket home to the Council, and he'll make up an apocolypse or something."

"Yeah," Buffy said dismissively. "That's cool."

She heard Dawn frown on the other line. "Guess I'll talk to you later. Try not to screw things up with Faith again." She hung up and Buffy felt her heart drop into her stomach. She hadn't meant to be bitchy. But then, she never meant it. Didn't mean she wasn't, on occasion, a total bitch for no reason.

Buffy climbed out of the bed and searched for her underwear for a few minutes before giving up. She headed out to the kitchen and paused in front of Poncho's cage, wiggling her fingers at him. He just lay in his little ferret hammock and yawned at her, totally unimpressed.

She was reaching for the pizza menu and considering whether it'd be worth getting her ass kicked to get mushrooms on it, when she heard a key in the lock.

Faith opened the door and Buffy turned to face her, a big smile on her face that quickly faded when she saw her.

Faith's face was puffy, her eyes circled in red. She looked exhausted and stressed out, and had obviously been crying, and Buffy felt for her. Breaking up was never easy, no matter what end of the breakup you were on, and they'd been together for a long time.

Buffy went over and wrapped her arms around her silently, and Faith stiffened against her. Buffy slowly pulled back, her eyes searching Faith's for an explanation.

Faith looked at her and swallowed hard. When she spoke, her voice was low and strained.

"We need to talk."

PART TEN: After the Fact

Buffy sat in the livingroom, a thick afghan wrapped around her shoulders. Through the bedroom door down the hall, she could see a mass of dark curls sticking out from under one of the bed pillows, a stray leg flung over the side of the bed. The clock above the television told her it was almost three in the morning, and she fought to keep her eyes from closing.

She hit the volume button on the side of her cell phone over and over again, the LCD lighting up each time she did, but was unsurprised to see that she hadn't somehow, in the last thirty seconds, missed a call or a text.

She double-checked to make sure the phone was still on vibrate. She hit the button again, and just as she did, the icon popped up indicating that she had a new text. She quickly flipped open the phone and brought up the message.

U up?

Her thumbs moved quickly, responding.

Arent I always?

A few minutes later, the phone vibrated as it rang silently. She got up and glanced into the bedroom again, then wrapped the blanket around herself as she headed out to the balcony, opening the phone.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey," was the returned whisper.

A long pause lingered, as it always did. Buffy cleared her throat, trying to think of something to say, but Faith beat her to it.

"She sleeping?"

"Yeah. Him?"

"Mhm. Kinda cute. He's got Poncho across his eyes like a blindfold, yunno?"

Buffy forced a small, fake laugh, and Faith grew quiet again on the other end, the awkward silence stretching out across the miles between them. Buffy closed her eyes and shifted uncomfortably before speaking.

"I should get back inside. If she wakes up and I'm not there.."

"Yeah," Faith mumbled. This was how it always ended.

Buffy let out an exhasperated sigh. "You made your choice, you know. It's really unfair to keep making me feel guilty."

"I'm not making you feel guilty."

"You are."

A pause. "Well, I'm not trying to."

"What are you trying to do, then? You've called me every night for the last six months just to sit there and breathe at me before getting bitchy and hanging up."

"Well, you keep answering."

"Then I won't next time," Buffy snapped, closing the phone. She immediately regretted it, putting her hand over her face and taking a deep breath. Always in anger. Always without thinking.

It had been, as she'd said, six months since Faith told her she couldn't do it, couldn't leave the life she'd grown to love so much. She'd grown angry, accusing Buffy of not thinking things through, of expecting her to give up everything to come back to California with her. They'd fought and cried and apologized and fought again for hours after she'd come home from not breaking up with Casey.

Six months, and every time the phone rang, Buffy felt like she was being slapped in the face again. If she wanted Casey and her Boston life so bad, why did she call every night? Why did they sit there and listen to each others' breath, sometimes until sunrise, and why did a simple phone call make Buffy feel guilty, like just talking to Faith was cheating?

She was debating calling Faith back to apologize for hanging up, when her phone vibrated again, and she flipped it open to read the text.

sorry for pissin you off.

She sighed and wrote back, her thumbs moving slower this time.

not pissing me off. just

She glanced up at the night sky. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

miss you. its hard.

Buffy hit send and closed the phone, pulling the blanket tighter over her shoulders. She waited awhile, but no response came. Maybe Faith had gone to bed. Maybe Casey had woken up and caught her, and wanted to know why she was texting the woman she cheated on him with in the middle of the night. Or maybe the apocalypse had finally come, and it had started in Boston.

She sighed and started to go back inside when the phone vibrated again. She quickly flipped it open.

hard for me too. maybe made the wrong choice.

"Maybe you did," Buffy whispered, mostly to herself. She stared at the text for awhile longer before answering.

can you come online?

The response came almost immediately.

already am

Buffy went over and opened up her laptop, signing on quickly.

PART ELEVEN: Instant Messaging

soxgirl5x5: yo
buffinator81: hey. sorry, can't afford all these texts.
soxgirl5x5: y not call me?
buffinator81: too hard to talk out loud. easier when i can't hear you or see you.
soxgirl5x5: oh. what you wanna talk about?
buffinator81: us.
soxgirl5x5: k..
buffinator81: i know there's no us. but there is an us. always has been always will be.
soxgirl5x5: yeah ur right about that
buffinator81: yeah
soxgirl5x5: y is this so hard, i thought i was doin the rite thing
buffinator81: i don't know what to say to that, i thought being with me was the right thing
soxgirl5x5: me too
buffinator81: are you happy?
soxgirl5x5: thought i was
buffinator81: now?
soxgirl5x5: sometimes
soxgirl5x5: i love casey
buffinator81: i know
soxgirl5x5: i dont wanna hurt him
buffinator81: he wants you to be happy
buffinator81: i want you to be happy
soxgirl5x5: are you happy?
buffinator81: no
soxgirl5x5: guess i'm not either
buffinator81: because you're not or because i'm not?
soxgirl5x5: both
buffinator81: well i hate to be mean but you have to shit or get off the pot faith. you're supposed to get married
soxgirl5x5: i know
buffinator81: well you have to make a decision cause i cant keep myself from falling in love again forever just cause you might want me
soxgirl5x5: ur falling in love with her?
buffinator81: i could
buffinator81: or someone else
buffinator81: but not as long as i'm waiting for you
buffinator81: you still there?
soxgirl5x5: yeah
buffinator81: well?
soxgirl5x5: idk
buffinator81: well you need to figure it out
buffinator81: i need to think about myself too you know
soxgirl5x5: sorry
soxgirl5x5: always fuckin up i guess
buffinator81: stop it
soxgirl5x5: y? its the truth.
buffinator81: it's not.
soxgirl5x5: i gotta roll, caseys up in the bathroom
buffinator81: okay
buffinator81: i love you either way faith

ERROR:
soxgirl5x5 is not currently online.
your message:

buffinator81: i love you either way faith

was not delivered. try again later.

PART TWELVE: Barely Breathing

Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?
'Cause I am barely breathing and I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care...
- Duncan Sheik, 'Barely Breathing'

Buffy waited up the following night until almost four to see if Faith would call or text again. She checked her e-mail over and over again, and awoke with a start at nine am, terrified that she'd missed the call.

She hadn't.

Faith didn't call that night. Or the night after. Two weeks went by without any contact whatsoever, and Buffy began to worry. Should she call and risk pushing Faith further away if all she wanted was some alone time? What if she called, and there was no answer, and she had to call Casey, and he wanted to know why it was a big deal that Faith hadn't been in contact?

What if something had happened to Faith, and Casey didn't even think to call and let her know?

Buffy had, at Dawn's urging, broken up with her sort-of-girlfriend a few days prior. It didn't have anything to do with Faith, at least. That would have just made her feel really pathetic. No, it turned out she had a boyfriend, and though Buffy had a difficult time caring because at least she was a warm body to share a bed with on occasion, Dawn had pointed out that they were using each other and it was really unhealthy. Being a psych major, she'd used a lot more words, but it made sense.

So Buffy was alone. Again. As usual. Par for the course. A rotten status quo in her life.

Sometimes she wished that she could be a little more liberal. That she was willing to sacrifice love and affection for a bed-buddy, or that she could hook up with someone when she needed it and not feel like she was a slut. She'd tried it a couple of times, the whole one-night-stand thing. She didn't understand how people could do it on a regular basis. For her, sex seemed like it ought to be a physical manifestation of emotional intimacy, and someone you met five minutes prior couldn't possibly provide that.

Though it was nice to just touch and feel and have that human contact without all the baggage that came with a relationship, even if she felt dirty afterwards.

And maybe that's why she'd avoided Faith as long as she had. Put her off, pretended she didn't see the attraction. Because the Faith she knew in Sunnydale, was all about the touch and feel. Just the touch and feel. And Buffy wanted more. She wanted someone to wake up to in the morning, and even now, she doubted Faith would have been able to be that for her then.

It stung a bit, to think that maybe she could have helped Faith see that there was more to sex than feeling good. She hated that Casey--make that anyone else--had been the one to tear down her walls. She'd convinced herself that she didn't want to force Faith into something she didn't want. But looking back, it seemed that maybe she just didn't want to make the effort. Maybe everything else in the world was so hard for her that she didn't want to fight for a relationship.

Maybe that's why Riley left. Maybe that's why she always failed at relationships. She didn't have it inside her to meet someone halfway, and expected them to make up for it. And when they didn't, she got her heart broken.

So maybe it was just her own fault that she was alone.

And maybe Faith had made the right choice.

And maybe she needed to let Faith go.

Maybe it was better this way.

Buffy had been lost in thought, drowning in the 'what-ifs' and the 'maybes', for nearly an hour when her phone vibrated against her hip, stunning her back into reality.

Vertical Horizon sounded more soulful than usual as the bassline rang out tinnily from her phone's speaker. "I'm still learning things I ought to know by now," it sang as Buffy fumbled for it and flipped it open.

"Faith?" she asked stupidly. Of course it was Faith, she was the only person Buffy had programmed under that ringtone.

"Sorry I haven't been.. yunno. In touch," came Faith's soft voice, and Buffy's heart surged. She hadn't even realized how much she'd really missed her until she'd heard her voice.

"It's.. it's okay. How are you?"

"Five by five."

Buffy chewed on her thumbnail, curling up comfortably in the armchair. "Really?"

A pause. "Not really. Been better, I guess." She paused again, and Buffy opened her mouth to ask what was going on, but Faith beat her to the punch. "We broke up."

Buffy sat bolt upright in the chair, trying not to sound ecstatic. "What?"

"We broke up. I guess technically he broke up with me. But.." Faith trailed off, and Buffy heard her light a cigarette and exhale the smoke slowly.

"He.. he dumped you?"

"Yeah. Left my phone bill on the table. He saw a whole bunch of California calls in the middle of the night. Pretty much lost his mind over it."

Buffy felt like she'd been punched in the stomach, and spoke quickly. "I could call him. I'll tell him, Faith. I'll tell him it was nothing, that I just needed someone to talk to. I'll apologize." She paused, every fiber of her being screaming out no, that's not what I want, not her with him. She swallowed hard. "I'll fix it for you."

There was a long pause on the other end, and Faith sounded very small when she did speak. "You'd do that?"

Buffy quickly wiped a stray tear off her cheek, feeling her entire body fill up with misery. "Of course I would. I just want you to be happy, Faith. Even.. even if it's not with me. If Casey makes you happy, then I want you to be with him. I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy, or the reason he doesn't trust you. Even if it means never.." she nearly choked on her words, not wanting to say them, not even wanting to think them. "Never coming near you again."

PART THIRTEEN: Deep Inside

Still I've never felt alone 'till I met you
I'm alright on my own, and then I met you
And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming
- Third Eye Blind, 'Deep Inside of You'

The pause that came after those words Buffy wished she could take back seemed as though it lasted hours. She held her breath, waiting for a response, digging her nails into her thighs.

Finally, finally, Faith spoke, her voice unreadable. "You'd really do that? Stay away forever?"

Buffy tried to swallow, but the lump in her throat wasn't interested in moving. "Yeah," she forced out. "If it would make you happy."

Faith's voice got a little tense. Buffy could practically see her face darkening. "Why would that make me happy?"

"Because.. you could be with Casey. He'd trust you again."

Faith let out a heavy sigh. "That's not gonna make him trust me again. And even if it did.." Another long pause, and Buffy held her breath. "Do I really wanna be with someone who's gonna make me cut ties with someone I.. don't wanna cut ties with?"

Her breath came out in a whoosh that was louder than she'd expected. "I don't know.. do you?"

"Would you?"

Buffy's voice came out small, but the honesty made it echo across the line. "No."

Faith was quiet for awhile, obviously rolling this information over in her brain. "Thanks. For.. yunno, offering. It means a lot that you did."

"Of course I did. I would again." Buffy tried to hide her emotions, but she couldn't, and the strain in her voice was obvious. "I just want you to be happy."

"What about you?"

"What?" Buffy looked at the phone in confusion.

"What about you being happy?"

"What do I have to do with any of this?"

"Why do you keep answerin' my questions with more questions?"

"Why are you asking me weird questions?"

Faith sighed frustratedly. "It's not weird to ask someone if they're happy. Or if they even think their happiness matters in the first place."

"It doesn't."

"What?"

"My happiness doesn't matter. Never has, never will. Not as long as I'm the Slayer."

"A Slayer," Faith corrected. "One of thousands, now."

"Well, whatever. A Slayer's life is still about sacrifice. And putting the well-being of others before your own. That's what we do. That's who we are."

"So that means we're not even allowed to try?"

Buffy thought about that for a minute, though she didn't want to. She'd already decided she was done trying to be happy. She'd made a decision, damn it, and she was going to stick to it. She didn't need Faith jumping in there and confusing her with logic.

When Buffy didn't answer, Faith spoke again. "Are you giving up? You don't care about being happy anymore?"

"I don't think I'd know what happiness was if I tripped over it," Buffy admitted sadly. "It's been so long, I don't even remember what it feels like."

Another pause. "Go outside."

"What? Why?"

"Just go. Walk outside and look up at the sky."

Buffy sighed. "You're still a pain in the ass. At least some things never change."

"Shut up and go find the moon."

Buffy groaned as she pulled herself out of the chair and put on her piggie slippers. She grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it on over the thin white tanktop she slept in, figuring there was a chill in the air and the last thing she needed to do was give the neighbors a show.

She shuffled through the hallway of the building, hissing into the phone. "My neighbors are going to think I'm insane, walking outside in slippers in the middle of the night."

"It's only eleven," Faith countered. "And you are a little insane."

"You make me insane."

"Yeah, yeah. Always blamin' me," she said, but there was no malice in her tone.

Buffy smiled a little. No matter what happened between them, she could always count on Faith for a good-natured ribbing to keep her in line. She walked out the front door of her building, staring up at the sky.

"Okay, I'm looking at the moon. What am I looking for?"

"I'm lookin' at it, too."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "You're not going to start singing 'Somewhere Out There' or something, are you?"

"Maybe."

But the voice.

That voice.

Faith's voice.

It didn't come from the phone. It came from--

Buffy lowered her gaze, and dropped her phone. It hit the ground, shattering when it made contact with the pavement, but she didn't even notice.

Faith was standing two feet in front of her.

PART FOURTEEN: Kiss Away Night

You say the word, you know I will find you
Or if you need some time, I don't mind
I don't hold on to the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
- Tori Amos, 'Sleeps With Butterflies'

Comin' down, the years turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go on now and lead you home and
I'll become what you became to me
- Goo Goo Dolls, "Black Balloon"

Buffy stared at her in shock, unable to do more than open and close her mouth a few times.

Faith grinned. "You look like a fish outta water, B."

"What.." Buffy shook her head, trying to grasp onto reality again. "How did.. What are you doing here?"

Faith shrugged a little. "Missed you."

Buffy closed her eyes briefly, trying to wrap her brain around what was happening. She wanted to run to her, hug her, but she didn't understand what she was doing there.

Faith waited patiently, fiddling with the zipper on her hooded sweatshirt.

"Are you.." Buffy swallowed hard and opened her eyes, taking Faith in. "I mean, do you want to.. be with me?"

Faith shrugged a little, looking at her feet. "I was thinking, I need a place to stay and.. you have a couch."

"But.."

Faith looked up at her. "Look, B. I.. I wanna be with you." Buffy's heart soared, then plummeted as she continued. "But not right now."

"Why?" she asked, sounding a lot more accusatory than she'd meant to.

"Because. Much as I wanna grab you and drag you upstairs and hump you til next year, if I did.. I think you'd always wonder, yunno? If.."

"If I was your second choice," Buffy added softly.

"Yeah." She paused. "I don't want you to feel like that. Casey dumped me because I couldn't choose, and he was sick of waitin'." Faith dug her toe into the dirt, nudging a small stone aside. "I wasn't being fair to you guys. But.. he wouldn't understand.. that I couldn't give you up." She shrugged a little, embarassed. "You always understood that I couldn't give him up so easy."

Buffy shrugged back. "Hard to understand if you've never loved two people at once."

Faith looked up at her. "Yeah. But.. but my choice. Deciding to be with Casey.." Her voice grew softer, her face filling with the emotion she normally tried to keep under wraps. "It-it never meant that I didn't love you, though."

"I know."

"'Cause I did. I do."

"I know."

"You're not second prize to me. Just.. a different first prize."

"Faith.."

"Yeah?"

Buffy reached out and pulled her close, kissing her softly. She wrapped her arms loosely around Faith's neck and pulled back, looking into her eyes. "You can't sleep on the couch." Faith stayed quiet, gently pushing a strand of hair off her face. "It's really uncomfortable."

Faith raised an eyebrow and Buffy crinkled her nose and narrowed one eye a little, the way she always did when she was being a smartass. "You're just gonna have to share the bed with me."

"Are you sure about that?"

Buffy smiled and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Something about being called the consolation prize just turns me on."

Faith laughed, a real laugh, and swatted her on the ass. "God, you're terrible." She paused, her face growing serious again. "I still don't know, B.. I don't want you thinkin' that way, you know? I'm scared if we start off like this.. we'll never be able to move on from it."

Buffy slid her hands inside Faith's open hoodie, running them lightly over her sides and slowly walking backwards towards the door, pulling her along.

"Buffy.."

"Mm?" she was kissing Faith's chest now, pulling her inside and up the stairs, and making it hard for her to form thoughts.

"S'not what we talked about.." Faith mumbled lightly as they entered the apartment. Buffy lifted her leg and kicked the apartment door shut, backing up against the couch. Faith kissed her deeply, then suddenly they were a tangle of hands and fingertips and teeth, moaning and arching against each other as they rolled over the back of the couch.

After she'd bared Buffy from the waist up and rested her hips against hers, Faith closed her eyes briefly.

"God, what are we doing?" she asked softly.

Buffy tilted her head up and smoothed her hair back, then bit her earlobe playfully. She released it after drawing a long moan from Faith's lips, then spoke so softly that even Faith's Slayer-enhanced hearing barely picked it up.

"Moving on."

The end.

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