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I’m running again. Doing the one thing I promise I wont. But I do. Every time.

And she welcomes me back every single shitty time. With open arms and a huge smile on her face. She loves me. Pretty damn obvious. If she didn’t then I doubt she’d put up with me.

I’ll go back. I always do. We’ll be together for maybe a few months, maybe a few days. Then something will remind me. And I’ll run. Because I don’t want to hurt her. But I am.

//I didn’t notice,

But I didn’t care,

I tried being honest,

But that got me nowhere//

I knew she was gone even before I opened my eyes this morning. Sometimes her side is still warm and I can fool myself that any minute now I’ll hear the toilet flush or the smell of coffee will float up from the kitchen. 90 of the time I’m freaking for no reason and she is still in the house. Its mornings like this one, where I’m cold, that I know she’s really gone.

I should be angry but I’m not. She does it because she’s scared. She’s not this big, tough-as-nails, wicked, bitchin’ ass slayer she pretends to be. I’ve seen the real her –when we’re cuddled up on the sofa together watching some soppy movie while Dawn sits by our feet writing her latest ‘too-complex-for-normal-people’ thesis. I see the real her in the tears she cries as she sleeps. I don’t think she’s ever had a real dream, just nightmares or nothing. When her crying wakes me I wipe away the tears and whisper to her all the comforting words I can think of.

We still occasionally share dreams- mostly when she’s not here. I tell her how much I love her and pray that it’ll be enough to make her come back. She always does but I still try to stop her going, some times it works. I was too late this time. I got to the bus station just in time to see it leave. I sat on the curb and prayed to whomever was listening that she’ll come back this time. Because I’m scared one day she won’t.

//I watched the station,

Saw the bus pulling through,

And I don’t mind saying,

A part of me left with you//

Maybe it’s love I’m scared of. When I was a little kid I was always on the lookout for love. I never found it so I stopped looking. Then she found me. Three years after Slay-Share. Walked into the crummy diner I was working in and declared her undying love. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy as that moment. I’ve never told her I love her- and I do- I hope I will one day. She deserves better than me. Better than someone who leaves her every month.

How long will it be this time? How long until I can’t stand it any more? The longest was six months. I had an apartment and a job. Then I met a girl at a club. As soon as she kissed me I knew I was stupid. I got on the first bus back to her. I pray that one day I’ll have the courage to call it home.

//One of these days,

I won’t be afraid of staying with you,

I hope and I pray,

Waiting to find a way back to you,

Cause that’s where I’m home//

Dawn thinks I’m the reason Faith leaves. She sulks for hours once she knows we’re alone and I doubt she’d even talk to me if Willow didn’t put on her ‘resolve face’ and tell her to.

Faith is the only person who can still call Dawn ‘kid’ and get away with it. I think Dawnie likes her more than she does me. I’d be hurt if I wasn’t so in love with her myself. Is it my fault though? Deep down I think she’s right and it is. I hate myself for letting her go. She’s scared of love and I force it on her. When I tell her I love her she only ever replies ‘I know’.

Is it stupid that I don’t really know the truth?

//Did I make you nervous?

Did I ask for too much?

Was I not deserving

One second of your touch?//

I’ve got a dialogue going round in my head. I tell her I love her and she says she loves me. And we’re happy ever after. I’ve had the phone in my hand for near half-an-hour. Is she even at home? Home. Is it… mine? I dial the number I know by heart but have never called.

I think I love her. No, I know I love her. I just- can’t tell her. And why the hell not?!

The phone goes back onto its hook in the grotty phone booth.

I’m just another bastard. I love her and leave her. She deserves better. But… If I’m what she wants then I’m what she’ll get.

The phone’s back in my hand.

“Hello? Faith?” God, The Kid sounds so expectant. I wonder if that’s the way she always answers the phone when I’m away…

“Yeah, Dawnie. It’s me” She squeals down the phone to me, I’m guessing from the clunking that she’s jumping around.


I love her happy voice. If I could change one thing I’d have stayed friends with Dawn. Buffy and I have bad stuff but that’s our history. I run away but that’s us. Dawnie’s had so much shit that I just… wanna make it better.

Then there’s a breathless voice in my ear and my world is suddenly back down to just one person. “Faith? Faith, is that really you?”

//And one of these days

I won’t be afraid of staying with you

I hope and I pray

Waiting to find a way back to you

Cause that’s where I’m home… oh//

So I’m sitting in my room brooding because… it’s not like brunette ex-murderers have a lock down on it or anything. And then Dawnie screams that Faith is on the phone and suddenly I’m just a phone-line away from the love of my life, trying to wipe snot and tears onto my sleeve and… dear god I’m unattractive right now!

Good thing it’s a phone line.

It’s me baby.” I’ve missed her voice so much, so much. She’s crying too but laughing at me for screaming at Dawn to shut up and stop dancing- what sort of 19 year old is she anyway?

I missed you”

I missed you more. B, I gotta tell you…” don’t choke baby, please don’t choke. Don’t try to tell me if you can’t. Just-

DAWN! If you don’t shut up I’m going to kill you!” And she keeps on going, I have no authority, remind me never to have children… unless they come out like mini-Faiths cause then I can just turn on ‘sad face’ and they’ll do whatever I say. “Sorry about that. Look, it’s- it’s ok. You don’t have to-“

I love you.”

Oh. Ok.

I know.” And then we’re both laughing and crying and Dawn has stated looking slightly repulsed. “Faith?”


Come home.”

//What would you do if I could have you?

Oh if I could,

I’d let you feel everything I’m thinking,

Wouldn’t that be nice?

One of these days,

I wont be afraid of staying with you//t

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