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G/PG for language

Buffy / Faith

Don’t sue me I have no money


Notes: This is actually a true story, just not with Buffy & Faith (duh), but I did this to a good friend of mine – and yes, she’s still friends with me – I just figured that this kinda seems like something Faith would do…

Summary: This is totally AU, from Faith’s POV, there are no slayers, no demons, no vampires, etc. Faith and Buffy are friends, just high school kids having a little fun during the summer, well, Faith’s having fun at least.

She’s deathly afraid of the darkness; because she believes she grew up in a haunted house. I just think some mean-spirited spirit traumatized her as a child. She hates admitting that she’s scared of the dark, because it’s one of her deepest darkest fears. Being the cruel individual that I am, I feel the need to exploit this fear. I justify this by telling myself that by doing so I am helping her conquer this fear – hehe, whatever I need to tell myself to get the job done. Actually what I plan to accomplish is to show her that there’s nothing in the dark to be afraid of – except me. Now before you start chastising me, I was only sixteen at this time.

Buffy, my victim, is a bright preppy fifteen-year-old student – wait, no – she’s a dropout, but she’s still very fifteen and spoiled. She has strawberry blonde hair, bright green eyes, a fake tan and seriously needs an attitude adjustment. Normally, I would avoid a girl like her as if she were syphilis, but my buddy Xander wanted to nail her so Buffy and I partied together. Even when Xander didn’t – or couldn’t – nail her, I ended up with a new sidekick. Buffy also happens to live out in the boonies, which works to my advantage; it’s 28.3 miles out of town and a thirty-five minute drive – twenty if I drive. When I say boonies, I mean it too. The roads are long straight two-lane country roads, with rolling hills that are fun to drive on. Driving down Compton Road is like a mini-rollercoaster ride in your car – that’s the only redeeming quality of the boonies. There are vast acres of open farmland, the trees are nature’s skyscrapers out here, and the fields are blanketed with green grass. Might be nice to live out here if you’re a serial killer or want to run a meth lab without being disturbed, but I hate it out here. It stinks like cow shit twenty-four seven and there’s not a Starbucks for ten miles, that’s unheard of. Ten miles!

As much as I dislike the countryside, I find myself making a daily trip out to this hellhole – and sometimes two or three trips. What a freakin’ waste of gas huh? I digress; it is on one of my daily excursions out here when I got this idea. At first, I felt a bit guilty for coming up with such a devious, yet clever, plan to traumatize my unsuspecting sidekick, but I get over it quickly. A quick phone call to my partner in crime, Xander, and the plan is in motion. We meet the next day at the closest Starbucks; we drive out to the clearing back and forth a few times – I want to make sure he can find the spot easily in the dark, since, out here, everything looks alike at night. Down a dusty gravel road, it is only about 150 yards to the small clearing, but because of the slight bend in the road you can’t see the street. The clearing itself is not large either, being only somewhat larger than a regular classroom; because it’s shrouded by soaring trees, it seems much smaller, especially at night when visibility is minimal. The stage is set and my plan is ready to be executed.

It’s a Monday night and a perfect night to be implementing my plan. Buffy and I catch a late movie; we then stop for some Krispy Kreme on the way back to her house. While she wolfs down the doughnuts, I covertly text Xander and he drives down to the waiting spot. When I drive past him I flash my high beams three times to let him know it’s me. He waits ten seconds, and then follows me to the clearing with his headlights off. He parks his car along the road to avoid being detected by her. I drive very slowly down the unpaved road to make it seem longer.

“Why are we pulling over here?” she squeaks, already a sign of freight in her voice.

“I think I’ve got a flat, my car started pulling hard to the right,” I respond nonchalantly.

“Oh, okay.”

“Don’t worry about it, just stay in the car. I’ve got it,” I say as I get out, making sure I take my keys along with me.

Now, I could not have asked for a more perfect night. Not only is it black as pitch, the fog is so thick you could cut through it with a knife. Xander is right on time with his glow-in-the-dark Jason mask and real chain saw. Buffy is sitting inside the car, oblivious to what’s about to happen. Right now, she is carefully checking her makeup; a girls’ gotta look good for a slaughter, y’know?

Xander lets a rip with his gas-powered chainsaw and the sound thunders through the clearing. I can visibly see Buffy jump inside the car. It’s a good thing the sound of the chainsaw is so loud or she’d hear us laughing. Just then, I throw myself against the passenger side window, smearing our very realistic fake blood all over my car and the window; letting my body go limp like a rag doll as I slide to the ground. I can hear her blood-curdling scream as she sees Xander’s silhouette in the darkness. As I lay on the ground trying to stifle my laughter, I know that she is fumbling for her cell phone – little does she know I’ve already stolen it on our way over here – wouldn’t want her calling for help now, would we? Xander does look very menacing waving the big power tool about like a maniac. I reach up with my “bloody” hand flattening it against the window, I hear her screaming and pleading as my partner in crime pretends to jab me with the saw. A part of me is touched that she is so disturbed by my apparent death, but I’m having too much fun to really care. From her perspective, I’m positive that it looks as though he’s murdering me in a very gruesome way. I let my hand slide down the glass like in horror movies as he continues jabbing away. When I’m clearly out of sight, I crawl around to the driver’s side to watch. When he’s finished “killing” me, he wipes some of the blood away from the glass letting her clearly see him. He taps her window and comically gives her a thumbs up, he follows that by pointing at her giving her the universal “heads off” gesture then gives another deafening roar of the chainsaw.

Right then, I throw open the driver’s side door and yank Buffy from the car as if she were a cork in a wine bottle. Caught completely off guard, she lets out the most horrific high-pitched shriek I’d ever heard – anywhere. I quickly bring her to her feet and plant kiss on her forehead before she realizes it’s me; I step back and give her a big smile, from ear to ear, then quickly burst into hysterical laughter.

“You should’ve seen the look on your face,” I manage to choke out through my laughter – I’m laughing so hard my eyes have begun to tear up. A look of shock and anger immediately settles across her face, I know she want to hide the fact that she was crying.

“Damn, we had you goin’ good,” Xander laughs, while taking off his mask and turning off his chainsaw. “Don’t be mad,” he adds, trying to hug her, “it was just a joke.”

“A joke?!?” Buffy screams as she shoves him to the ground and tries to kick him. I restrain her, still trying to suppress my laughs. She struggles to break my hold only to try and attack me.

“That was not funny!” she screams, as she tries to hit me. Her attempt is feeble as I grab her oncoming hand and spin her around. She then lunges at me as if she were drunk, both arms flailing about like branches of a willow tree on a windy day. At this point, poor Buffy is far too hysterical to be able to make contact, though her rage is definitely there. I try not to laugh too hard as I dodge her swipes easily.

“Yeah, it was way funny,” Xander chuckles from the ground, on that cue she goes back to kicking him.

It really was pretty funny, least I thought so.

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