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I Want You

by Nemo


Pairing: Willow / Buffy (sort of).
Season 1 through to beginning of Season 6.
Oralfxatn's site, otherwise ask and ye shall receive.
Notes: English spelling where relevant. Willow's POV. Yes, this is a songfic (shock horror), my one and only to date. The song is, strangely enough, "I Want You" by Elvis Costello.
To G, aka Gina aka Gina Lola Lesbia aka Oralfxatn. Summary: In the aftermath of the fight against Glory, Willow considers her feelings for Buffy.

Print Version: Adobe Reader PDF

"Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I can't say anymore than 'I love you'
Everything else is a waste of breath"

Sometimes I wonder if you knew the effect you had on me, that moment we first met and ever since. You walked up to a shy, retiring girl and brought both sunlight and shadow into her life. At first I thought you had made a mistake: when I realised you hadn't I decided you were an angel, sent from heaven to ease my burdens, ease my pain. Of course, as it turns out there are all sorts of different kinds of pain. You relieved some, but you caused others.

Up until then I had always known with absolute certainty that I loved Xander, that one day he and I would get married and have kids, the whole nine yards. A perfect fairy tale, minus the castle. Then you arrived and I fell, all my illusions destroyed and replaced with new ones.

"I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you"

All through High school I hoped and prayed that you would really notice me; see me as more than just your computer nerd friend, reliable Willow to do your research. Yet I never had the courage, never found the strength to tell you how I felt.

You met Angel, and fell in love. Did you never see the pain in my eyes when you told me about him? Agonising nights when we would sleep over and you would tell me all about your secret trysts; having to keep silent and bury my feelings deep inside as you told me of your love for the monster.

"It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for
It's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
It's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing"

When he became Angelus my heart broke for you, and again when you were forced to consign him to hell. Yet even as I felt your pain a tiny corner corner of my mind rejoiced, knowing that finally the obstacle was gone. Sure that with him gone you would eventually find a place in your heart for me.

Yes I had Oz, but I think deep down he knew as well as I did that what we had wasn't real. He was my consolation prize, a comforter to protect against the yawning emptiness of life without you. You always came first, and he accepted that without question.

You had never shown any sign of being interested, but I thought maybe you were hiding your feelings the same way I hid mine. We were so close; with Angel gone all I needed was time. Then Faith arrived and everything fell apart.

She was everything I wasn't. Beautiful, brave, confident. I hated her from almost the first moment we learnt who she was - another Slayer, a true companion to share your fight. She knew you as nobody else ever could, shared a connection with you that we couldn't even comprehend. More than that, she brought out a side of you none of us had ever seen before, wild and impulsive, taking risks and ignoring what anyone else thought. A part of your character I had never been able to unlock, but that she released seemingly without effort. I could see you falling for her even if you couldn 't. It hurt so much that I had been there for you for so long, but when you finally showed an interest in a girl it wasn't me. The turbo-charged super psychoslut turned up and clicked her fingers, and you became putty. At least until Angel came back.

"I want you
Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop
I want you
I'm afraid I won't know where to stop"

You know I actually felt for Faith when I found out about Angel. I understood how she felt, why she did what she did. Did you really think it was just a coincidence that she went off the rails after she found out about the two of you? I'm sure she would have been pleased to know that it could never work out between you and Angel.

But it was Riley that hurt me the most, of all the train wrecks in what passed for your love life. Dull, dependable Riley. Who would ever have guessed he was a Special Forces Commando? That's when I knew it would never happen for us. Maybe if I hadn't bitten my tongue all those years, if I had just let go and told you. Angel and Faith I could understand, even Parker to an extent - a momentary lapse, a mistake -but Riley?

"I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown"

If I couldn't compete with Captain Inoffensive then it had to be a lost cause. When you were with him you barely seemed to notice that I existed, but I don't recall you ever really being happy. I guess you just needed something normal in your life, but he was never good enough for you. I was relieved when he left, for your sake. I no longer harboured any ideas of being with you, and I found comfort of sorts with Tara, but I still wanted you to be happy.

"I want you
I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you"

Then. then came Dawn, and Glory, and The End. It's been three months now, and even in death you continue to work your charm on us. We are all trapped here, caught in orbit around a dead star. We continue to fight, even though all the hope left with you. So I find myself contemplating a desperate and dangerous act: wherever you are now, I pray I can find you and deliver you from harm. For your sake, for the world's sake, but mostly for my sake. Without you there is nothing. I love you Buffy.

"Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don't think I can live without you
And I know that I never will"

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