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by Liz M



I remember when I was young and innocent, must've been about four years old. I grew up pretty fast, went from four to twenty in about thirty seconds flat! Nobody really knows me. I hide myself pretty well, years of practice. If I don't let anyone in, they can't hurt me, screw me or break my heart. I don't really need anyone to break my heart, I do a pretty good job of that myself. I am so lonely, like a black pit that swallows everything and everybody that tries to get close or tries to love me.

I lost my childhood, spent years nineteen to twenty eight in a state holding cell. Now look at me, my youthful years have passed me by and I'm still that same kid, lost, lonely, scared, crying out for help, only now I'm labeled a lost cause and sent to the state asylum.

There was a time in my life when I had someone who cared but I pushed her away. Mostly, I pushed her away because I loved her. If I'd let her inside my world, I would've changed her and she would have became like me, nothing.

I think about her all the time. I wonder where she is, if she made it, how her life turned out. I wonder if she even knew or had a clue that I was in love with her. I still love her, she's in my heart and will remain there until I die.

I told you I was moved from the state pen to the state loony bin. Unresponsive, they say, withdrawn, say others but they could never understand what horror's I've faced or what horror's I've caused.

I haven't talked in years, I never dared communicate. I learned the hard way. When I first came to prison, the psychologist said, trust me, talk to me and I did. All I got in return was put in a close security unit, drugged and basically just got my mind fucked so raw that I doubted everything that ever happened, everything that I was, all I knew, who I knew. The only thing that got me through the shock treatments was her, my thoughts of her, hanging on, just so that I could see her again and finally tell her that I loved her and that's why I went so crazy. Love, it will mess you up!

Now, I play the crazy part, quiet, withdrawn, loner, not giving anyone a glimpse of me for fear of letting them find out that I'm real, the evil is real, it really does exist and I was best friends with it.

I just got a new doctor, Mary Pearce. She's supposed to be some hot shot shrink from another world or something. She gave me an ultimatum, either communicate some way or go to the binion building, not much of a choice, considering the binion building is where they send the untouchables, the ones they don't try to help anymore, the place of the lost soul.

I find myself sitting in one of the, I don't know, therapy rooms, staring at blank paper placed in front of me. Today's homework assignment is, tell me about you, what could I say, I don't know how to express myself, If I'd known that, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

I know I've got to make the journey back. My prison sentence is coming to an end and I want to go back to living again. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally make amends for all the wrongs I've done.

I stare at the blank paper and it stares back at me. They gave me a vast array of colored pens to choose from. I look them over and pick up one with green ink, I stare at it a while, put it down, exchange it for the one with red ink. I'm a red kind of girl, some things you just can't change.

I can feel the eyes watching me through the two way mirror on the wall. A two way mirror, I have to remind myself that this is still prison, it's just the part where the nut jobs live. I can't help but smile a little, after all, these people are hoping to establish their career's off of me.

I guess the bottom line is whether or not I want to come back. I do. I have unfinished business, things I need to say to her. But, I have to admit my alternate reality is pretty damned comfortable and how could I convey what I feel, what I am, into words.

I remembered something Angel told me. He said, expression is an art and through art all can be relayed, that some people release inner things through songs, lyrics, poetry and even in paintings, so at least I had my way, it's my time and I had lots to convey, release and who knows, maybe this would be the key to my cure.

I put the pen to the paper and I begin.

Let it sew it's seed upon you,
Let it grow into your soul,
Let it get inside your body
And take you in control,
Locked low, inside a whisper,
Behind a sullen stare,
Taking you to the highest place,
To turn and leave you there.

Let it give to you, everything,
Let it take it all away,
Let it twist your brain so badly,
When you play, you've got to pay.
It is the deepest, darkest thought
That you'll ever really have.
It'll get so deep inside of you,
You'll lose all sense you had.

I've lived all it has done to me,
It's not a pretty sight.
I walked along that evil line
And somehow lost all light.
The evil, took hold of me
And twisted me all around.
Now all I have is loneliness
And a silent empty sound........

Wow, I looked down at the paper, I was confused, amazed, but mostly relieved. I didn't feel vulnerable, yet, I had opened up. For the first time, in a long time, I was admiring myself. I liked it, I wanted more, I needed my release.

When your get up and go
Has got up and went
And you're living in a dream...
When all of your friends
Have turned you down,
You'll be running back to me....
And all those things
You thought you knew
Was just some fantasy....
Then reality came and
Knocked you down
And all you had was me...
When you thought
You had everything,
But you really didn't have a thing...
When all you knew
Got rid of you
And used you like some thing...
Nothing was ever enough,
I just had to have more,
I stomped on everyone I knew
And pushed them out my door.....
But just where am I now?
Am I getting what I want?
Am I happy now?
It's too late for a change.
I got more than I wanted,
I'm the victim, of my game......

How fucking true. I'd turned on everyone because I was too much of a coward to accept the things I'd done. It was easier to be accepted by the dark side.

Sometimes, I wonder, if she'd have said, it's okay, I still love you, I still care, I'm still your friend, instead of you killed someone, would I have run? Would I have fallen so far, so fast? Then again, the disappointment on her face and in her eyes was far worse than having blood on my hands because the moment I saw her, she had taken my heart and in that one second that I fucked up, I lost everything, every dream, every fantasy, every waking and sleeping moment. I lost the love that I'd been waiting on my whole life and in the end, I lost faith.

The door opened and Dr. Pearce came in. She edged over and lifted the first paper, moving slowly to see if I was going to react badly. I just reached over and got a fresh sheet of paper and continued my, I don't know, I guess therapy.

Body of mine, feel me shiver,
Hold me in my own embrace,
For tonight, the horror comes
In dreamland, where I am alone....
Behind my mind's eyes,
Hide's the face of my tormentor,
Forever locked behind a wall of fear,
Waiting for me to show weakness,
To waken me, by my own silent screams....
Heaven help the one's who dream,
For they are truly on their own,
Constantly searching for the light to end,
The greatest nightmare of all time..........life.........

I set my pen down, pushed the paper over for the Doctor to access. She read it and looked at me with a look of shock and empathy. I smiled and somehow forced the words from my dormant body, "I know." I said. "I
scare myself."

I smiled even bigger, I'm coming back!

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