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Missing Envy

by Liz M


To KELLY... cause you helped bring this monster out....I blame you!
Notes: This is a mad romp through sick jokes... no offense is meant to any gender...nor am I implying that I have hate issues.. it's just entertainment.....and amusement.

"Are you about finished?"

"Come on, hurry up."

"You know what, just stop."


"Stop. Take it out."

"Bloody hell I will."

"Spike! Stop now!"

"Name me one good reason luv, one."

"I've decided that I'm gonna start dating Faith. I know, it seems sudden but really it's not. We've been having this love/hate relationship thing going on for years now. I've been spending a lot of time with her and I realize that I have desires that I want to pursue. So get off of me now."

"You can't be serious?"




"Damn it! Ahhh... now look what you've gone and done. What'd you do that for. Look just look! You've broke my sodding wanker off!"

She looked down, horrified, yelling. "OH MY GOD! What did you do that for?"

He looked at her, shock playing over his face. "ME? ME! You think I broke Ltl. Richard. ME? Not bloody likely. Tell me... what am I supposed to do now? HUH!?"

She got louder. "Damn it! Why is everything about you? What about me? What am I supposed to do? Huh? Tell me what I'm supposed to say. What am I gonna tell the gang? Huh? Even better, how am I gonna explain this to Faith. Oh my God, Faith! I haven't even got started with her good and I'm already cheating and look, this is what I get. A piece of your decomposing body is stuck up my ass." She gestured wildly with her hands.

"It's not your ass. You know I don't drive the hershey highway." He yelled.

"If you knew your car was taped together you shouldn't have had it on the road." She stated deadpan, flat, enraged.

"It wasn't my bloody car it was the sodding car wash." He accused. "it went into bitch mode and ripped my... the car off the bleeding road."

She stepped closer, glaring. "Well that's what happens when you drive a 2 cylinder."

"It's an 8." he shot back.

"If it was an 8 you'd have 6 cylinders left." She threw back.

"Fuck you!" He yelled.

"Shut up Spike!"

He sighed, trying to calm them. "Look no sense keeping your knickers in a tiff, just give me back my bit and be on your way."

She nodded, confirming his request. "Turn around." She said, motioning with her hand.

"What? You can't be serious." He looked at her, bewildered.

"Turn around." She said again, in a steeled voice.

"Damn... " He mumbled as he slowly turned away from her. "Not like I haven't seen it all before."

"Ugh... Hmph...damn...wait... yeah.. there... got cha... fuck...uhm.. Spike, I have a problem." She said, deflated.

"What now?" He spat out, turning, facing her, anxious, annoyed.

"I can't get it, I can't reach it." She shrugged, clearly mortified.

"Let me try." He walked toward her.

She held her hand up, stopping him. "Look if I couldn't get it, you surely won't be able to. I'll have to run home, get some... tongs or tweezers, yeah... retrieve it and then I'll just run it back to you." She nodded, expecting agreement. She turned, headed for the door, turning briefly. "I'll be back." She ran into the night, heading home.

"Buffy! You can't leave me like this... Buffy! Oh, HELL!"

(f pov)

I'm sitting on the porch, smoking, kicking back, thinking. In all my years I never thought I'd be here, now, ever. I mean, life is good. I've got a second chance and I'm finally happy, excited about the future.

I see something running toward the house. I think it's B. Yep, My B. What the fuck? She ducked behind the bushes, hiding, hightailing it toward the back door, obviously thinking I didn't see her. I smell a rat. I shake my head, smirking as I snub out my cigarette. I get up and go in to meet her at the back door.

I run into the kitchen and sit on the counter. This should be... fun. Yep, fun.

She bursts in through the door. "Hey B. What you doing?" I ask.

She gets that, eyes the size of saucers, blank ass look and stutters. "Mm ... mm ... me... ..uhm.. nothing, not a thing, nada.... Why?" she tries to hurry out of the room.

I jump in front of her, blocking her path. "Where you going so fast B? What's the hurry?" I give her a good once over, looking for answers.

"Nowhere I just want to.. uh... talk to Willow. Something magic, yeah, I need Willow pretty bad." She almost pleads with her voice, desperation floating around her.

I lean in and sniff her. "What's that smell B?"

"Smell?" She asks in a timid voice.

"What are you hiding and why are you lying to me? I thought we said we'd be honest from here on out." Anger rising in my voice.

"Faith, trust me, you don't want to know." She stated flatly, herself starting to anger.

"Try me." I challenged her.

"Fine!" She yelled. "Fine, you want to know. You know how you told me that when you broke up with Robin that you kind of unintentionally had sex.... Well.... That's what happened when I went to break up with Spike." She forced the words out quickly

"What?" I yelled. "B, I broke up with him before you and I decided to try things out."

"Let me finish Faith." She held up a hand, meaning for me to shut up and continued. "I know the time line ok, but I didn't care. In my mind you still slept with him." I started to speak but she forced her hand out again, eyes crazy, body tense, so I relaxed back into listening, widening my eyes, telling her, by all means.... Do go on. "Like I was saying, I broke up with him and things got confused and we ended up...."

"Fucking?" I thought I'd help her out with the big words.

She glared at me. "Anyway, then I thought that 'that' was no way to start out a relationship with you. I just didn't want him like that, cause now I was thinking of you."

"Lucky me." I breathed out heavily.

She narrowed her eyes, balling up her fists. I reached around and made the universal sign for zipping my lips. She continued. "I had an epiphany..."

I interrupted. "You had a what?"

She growled at me. "A realization, that I shouldn't be with him and I told him to stop. Long story short. He didn't, I tightened and it came off."

I just kind of looked at her blankly, wanting to really get the picture. "What exactly came off B?"

"His 'thing'." She answered lowly.

"Wait. His dick.... Fell... off?" I asked, disbelieving.

"Yeah." She confirmed.

Well damn, what could I say to that. Not one fucking thing. Laughter rolled off of me. Tears flowed, breathing became an issue. Oh my God... I'm gonna pass out. Every time I looked at her, new laughter roared, deeper, heartier laughter erupted from within my center. My face grew crimson and I struggled to catch my breath.

"Faith, it's not funny. Stop laughing.. it's not funny. It didn't just fall off, ok.... It broke off in me." She yelled.

"What!?" I yelled back, all laughter stopping abruptly.

"Tell me you're lying." I stated between gritted teeth.

"What's going on in here." Red asked from the doorway.

I turned, laughter being replaced with a kind of repulsed anger. "Ask the venus flypuss." I motioned my hand toward B.

"Shut up Faith. I couldn't have known that 'that' would happen" She said between gritted teeth.

"He's dead B. DEAD! Dead meat! Dead things fall off! How could you not have known." My words full of venom. " Not to mention that we had decided to give things a try and this is what I'm worth."

Red gets the gist of the conversation, highly amused and finally speaking up. "You're worth dick." She nodded at me as I looked at her dumbfounded. Oh man, we lost it. Red and I fell against each other laughing. God, I think I'm gonna piss myself.

"Stop it! Both of you!" B screamed. Red and I both froze, sobering up, losing the laughter. " I need help, Willow come and help me, maybe some magic would work because I can't get it."

"What about me?" I asked.

She swung her body around facing me, her voice full of ice. "You. Sit down and shut up."

I put my hand to my chest, feigning shock, dismay and hurt. "Me.... What ever did I do?" I asked in a sweetly southern Scarlet Ohara voice.

She turned and stormed up the stairs with Willow close behind.

"Not like I wanted your damned dick anyway." I muttered under my breath.

She stopped abruptly on the stairs. I glanced over out of the corners of my eyes, cringing. Damned slayer hearing.

I paced around the living room like an expectant father, back n forth, back n forth, almost expecting to hear a slap, a cry at any moment, waiting for Spike's little fucker to be born.

"Faith!" Red called.

I ran up the stairs. "What?" I yelled.

"Here, take it." She thrust out the pig in a blanket.

"I'm not gonna take it, you take it....better yet,.. Give it to B, she'll take it, she takes everything." I stated angrily.

"Faith, she's upset so just take the damned dick and put it somewhere." She spat her words out, closing the door.

"She's upset?" I yelled. "She's supposed to be my girlfriend... so she's not exactly the only one upset here!"

I stomped down the stairs, into the kitchen, rummaged through the drawers for a baggie, dropped the 'thing' in it and stored it, throwing myself onto a stool at the table.

I felt someone behind me. I jerked around. "Spike." I deadpanned. "Looking for something?" I questioned him comically.

"Uh, yeah." He answered looking around the room.

I shook my head, pointing at the fridge. "It's in there."

He ran over, threw the door open and grabbed up his bits and headed toward the door. "Guess I'll be going then." He managed.

"Uh Huh." I answered.

I waited and waited. Red eventually came downstairs. I glanced at her, noticing that she was staring at me.

"What?" I shouted.

She blew out a breath. "Uhm... I was just wondering if you were still gonna.... date Buffy?"

"Who wants to know?" I shot back.

"We both do." She nodded.

I scratched my head. "It's wicked gross, you know, not like I'll be able to forget this any time soon." I sucked in some air, trying not to start laughing again. "it's a matter of trust too." I stated, trying to be serious. " I was wondering though, would this be classified as missing or as a theft?"

"You are so wrong for that." Red snorted out. We laughed.

B tiptoed down the stairs, peeping into the kitchen. I heard her sigh before she stepped into view.

"Hey." She said. I nodded a hi and lowered my eyes.

"You ok?" She questioned.

I looked at her. "I'm trying to be. You?" I asked.

She slumped. "Not really." I nodded, understanding but not really getting it. I noticed she was dressed. "Going somewhere?" I casually asked.

She blew out an embarrassed breath. "Well, I kind of need to return Spikes.....stuff so he can have it sewn or glued on or whatever you do when that happens." She looked at the floor.

"I gasped. "Shit B. I didn't know you wanted to save it. You didn't tell me."

"What did you do with it?" She asked anxiously.

I shrugged. "Disposal."

"You didn't?" Horror clearly covering her face.

"It's not that bad B. I mean so he's not the big bad anymore." I stated.

"Well what am I supposed to tell him." She asked loudly.

I shrugged, smirking. " I don't know B, tell him he's now the dickless wonder?"

She grunted, rolling her eyes and headed outside to sit on the porch.

I smirked as Red approached me. "Faith, didn't I hear Spike here earlier?" She questioned.

"Yeah, but I figured she owes us a little fun." I walked over, grabbed a raw steak from the fridge and threw it in the disposal, turning it on, trying not to laugh as Red watched on.

"B, come here." I yelled.

She ran in. "What?" She asked.

I motioned to the disposal. "It's clogged."

"And?" She asked.

"Hey... your disposal, your dick... you do the math." I crossed my arms, nodding for emphasis.

She relented, sighing, walking over to the mess, peering down the drain. I glanced at Red and we exchanged smiles that turned into laughs at B's first uttered word.


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