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Finding Faith

by Liz M

Summary: Faith searches for inner answers and peace and finds herself.

It felt good to be out of the cell, but pacing in the small room was getting to me. I looked at myself in the mirror; God, I look so hollow, I thought. Finally, I broke down, I needed to know and My revelation started.

"I can't believe I did it. I can't believe I turned myself in...But here I am!" It's the first time I haven't felt some kind of pressure in a long time. "I feel so lost and alone." And the emptiness I've repressed for so long floods to my surface. "Who am I?" "What am I?" "Where do I fit in?" "Where do I belong?"

I try to remember my family but they're a faint memory. I ask myself, what happened to me? Why did I turn? I remember when I was called. I remember my watcher, who was friend, mother, protector and savior to me. I watched her die! My head is so filled with random thoughts, mixed emotions and memories that I can't judge reality from fantasy. I breathe in deep and let out a long sigh; as my breath escapes my confines I feel some of the tension lose its hold. I finally realize that I've been talking to myself and I laugh at the absurdity of it. " At least I'm talking," I said. Yeah, I'm talking to myself but its good considering that I'm not a talker I'm a doer. So what the hell, I let her rip!

I'm so getting into this. I can feel every beat of my heart. Who better to talk to than me, Right! "Who am I?" "Well I'm Faith, damn it!" At least that's what I tell people cause that's all I really know. I can't remember having any family, not really.

" I remember waiting to be called. Damn," I swallow back disgust. " Is that all I remember?" I'm at a stand still, so I let my addiction burst forward. "No one has a clue what bothers me, so I'm just going to tell it flat out. What bothers me is that Buffy, precious, holier than God, whiny, little Buffy, doesn't even know how lucky she is! She still has a family! Me, I was like all the other slayers, taken from my family, kept away from everyone. My only family and friend was my watcher. And She Is Dead!" I scream it loud enough to wake the dead. " KAKISTOS You Hoofed Bastard!!!!" The silence afterward is deafening. He. He.. He bit the flesh off of her, chewed her up and spit her out on top of me while I lay helpless, frozen and beaten on the floor. Flesh fell upon my face. Blood mixed with my tears. Vomit surged from my body. The pain, fear, and lets not forget, guilt stays inside me. I find my voice again. "Yeah, I watched her die. I'm a loser. I'm not innocent." Then my mind flashed backward, the only weapon I had to fight Kakistos with was my swiss army knife.

My laughter echoed in the small room. I yelled out, "I must be crazy!" Laughter shook my body. Standing up I voiced my conclusions out loud. "I am Faith. It's enough for now. It's all I've got and it'll have to do"!

I liked what I said, so giving myself a little nod of approval, I decide to continue. "I am Faith the Vampire Slayer. In every generation there is a chosen one and she alone will stand against the darkness." At least I think that's how it goes. " But It's wrong! So fucking wrong! Accidents happen and now there's two." I feel myself getting pissed. I scream at the top of my lungs. " I am not an accident! I was meant to be here! I was chosen! I am important! "

Disgusted with myself, I ask, "Then why the hell did I do it?" I pace a few times. Lean against the wall. Finally, I walk to the mirror and tell myself "I did it because I felt like nothing, I had nothing, but mostly because I let B become my darkness. I let my wants and needs make me crazy. I wanted to love and be loved and all I got was teased, pulled in and rejected." Again I asked myself, "why did you do it?" "Damn it" I cried out. " I did it because I felt I had to. I made Buffy hate me so she'd spend all her time and energy chasing after me. I lost her but at the same time I kept her alive!"

Tears started to overflow my eyes. Choking back the sobs, I called out, " I am Faith, the dark half who made a deal with the devil to keep the one I love from being killed." Tears flowing freely and through cracked voice I say, "she'll never understand that I gave up my soul just to keep her on this earth."

I slide down the wall, sitting, leaning against it for comfort. Hell, I've made it this far, might as well continue. In solemn voice, I ask, "Where do I fit, where do I belong?" My answer is to the point! " Well, being that I have no where to go and the murder thing, I guess I belong right where I'm at!" I'm like a piece of puzzle that doesn't fit anywhere. But I know that one day my piece will fit.

I get up and start pacing again, pounding fist against hand, adrenaline starting to pump. Getting louder with each strike of fist on hand. "What do I want?" That's easy. "I want unconditional love, Passion, all the things furthest from me. I want to quit lying! I've never done drugs. I never drank much! And all of my sexual encounters, well most of them never happened!" Tears fall again. "I just wanted everyone to stay away from me so that It didn't hurt when they died, so I wouldn't feel guilty!"

How could I care so much for my lighter half? I never cared before, how could I care now? Voicing my thoughts, I said. " After all that we've done to each other why do I care?" The answer was simple. I pulled my arms around myself, trying to hold myself still. Choking on my tears, it came to me, " I care because I love her more than I love myself. I finally care about someone." I smiled and sank back down to the floor. Tears leaving salt trails down my face. It felt good to get it all out, and I did just that.

On the other side of the two way mirror sat two figures, both crying. He asked her, "did you know?" "No." she answered. "Would it have made a difference?" She sat there silently crying letting the tears wash over her.

It seemed like I'd been crying for hours so when the door opened I didn't even care. I was like an open wound for anyone to stick their finger in. I braced myself for the impact; when nothing happened, I looked up into the sorrowful eyes of Angel. He stood there quietly, I waited for whatever omen he came to bear. Finally, he broke the silence.

" We've been watching you."

I just sat there, heart in hand, surprised, confused. "We?" I asked. His silence gave it away.

"Buffy." I said below a whisper.

He nodded confirming my worst fears. You know me, just had to be a bad ass. "Well now she knows, she can add something else to her list of things to hate about me!" Why did you come here Angel and why the hell is she here?"

"I guess we wanted some answers."

"Did you get any?" I asked flatly.

"We both got more than we bargained for."

I looked at the floor wishing it would cave in and swallow me whole.

An officer came into the room and I eagerly got up, giving my hands to the restraints. No such luck! Kate Lockley came in keeping me from my retreat.

"Sit down Faith....you need to answer some questions." All I knew at the moment was I felt sick.

"Tell me about Allen Finch?" "There's nothing more to tell." I said softly. "I stabbed him in the heart with a stake, I didn't mean to, I thought he was a ......"

"What?" Kate replied. "A vampire?"

I looked up. I couldn't believe it. "Yeah.....I was fighting them, they were jumping out from everywhere, he stepped out, and before I knew it, I staked him, only he didn't turn to dust."

"Then What?"

I tried to stare a hole in the floor. "One word...DENIAL."

"How did you end up in a coma?"

I gave a long sigh. I could tell that I might as well talk or I'd be here all day. I glanced at Angel, he looked blank as usual.

"I shot Angel with a poison arrow, the only way to save him was the blood of a slayer. So someone came after me and stabbed me to take me back so that Angel could drink me, but I jumped off a roof onto a passing truck so that he couldn't ..you know."

Kate's mouth hung so far open that I could count every cavity.

"Who stabbed you?"


"Who stabbed you?" Kate asked with a lot more forcefulness.

Whispering I said "Buffy." Kate flashed a shocked look and choked back laughter.

"Let me get this straight.....Buffy Summers put a twelve inch knife through you, to feed you to a demon?.....Your Human!"

I finally understood why she found it so amusing. I laughed in spite of myself. "Is there anything else you want to know?" Man, she was staring me down. "Yeah Faith, who put you in this position?" Finally, after some serious thought, I stated, "God, government, genetics, fate... could've been any or all of em."

The doorway opened up again and Buffy stood there. I noticed she'd been crying. Kate faced her, I could tell she wasn't the type to keep quiet.

"You're a piece of work....You want her in jail and you should be living here too!"

Buffy was mad as hell and she let the shit hit the fan. "You don't know what she did to me. She lied to me, used me, hurt me, my family, my friends, slept with my boyfriend and took my body!"

Kate just shook her head. "Oh I see, so if you betray Buffy, then you must die!"

Then it happened!!!!! Kate turned to me and asked..."Do you ant to press charges for attempted murder?"

Holy shit!!!! I don't know if I said it or if I thought it. I'm guessing both. The shock on my face was enough to make the tough, bitchy exterior of the cop smirk. I looked at Angel, at Buffy and then at Kate. Retake, at Angel, at Buffy, at Kate. Again, Angel, Buffy, Kate. I was amused as hell!

I walked over to Kate, mouthed a thank you, to which she gave a wink. I drew in a deep breath, let it out and with humility told Kate, "it's in the past, I'm trying to move on and she's got people to save and all. I really just don't want to hurt her anymore."

Kate looked at me hard. "Are you sure?" I looked Kate in the eye and nodded Kate turned and said as she left "You've got fifteen minutes."

Buffy walked over to me all cocky and shit. "You forgot about Lester, you know the man you gutted."

Sometimes I really hated her. "I know what I've done, you don't have to keep pointing it out to me. I live with it! And I've had about all I'm going to take from you! It's always your way or hells way....well, I've tried both and now I'm doing things my way....and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass! I don't need or want...." I stopped and looked at B..." I didn't mean that, I do need and want you, but you make me lose control!"

Buffy shot back "And Why Is That?"

I looked into those blue/green eyes and with more truth than I've ever known stated "Jealousy." "I want everything that you give to others for myself."

Buffy just stood there wide eyed.

"What are you saying, Faith?"

Damn, is she dense? "God Buffy, can't you take the hint, I get better reception knocking on a brick wall. I'm saying that I wanted you, needed you emotionally and physically, Get It? I was and still am in love with you and I don't want to be because it hurts to want someone so much and have them not want you back!"

Buffy was shocked. "We were friends Faith."

Anger flooded me. "After homecoming, the bronze and all those other times, it wasn't enough. I felt like you betrayed me, used me and threw me away."

"Faith, I never said or implied that we'd be more."

"No, Buffy you never said a thing, you only touched me, held me, kissed me and teased me. Why would I ever think it was something more? You pulled me in, the problem was that you liked it and it scared you.....I mean how could perfect you, ever love some nobody like me?" "So you dumped me and ran to Angel. Don't deny it, it happened more than once!"

The guard opened the door and I ran to be cuffed and led out.

"Faith!" Buffy cried. "Can I see you again, soon?"

Walking though the door I turned and said, "do what makes you feel good."

Part 2

It felt like months had gone by. In reality it was about two weeks. I'm still in a county holding cell. No prison for me, yet.

Kate watches me closely. I can see her now, looking at me out of the corner of her eyes. I finally manage to lock eyes with her, so she comes on over. "A psychologist is going to come to talk with you." "When?" I reply. "When she does!" What a bitch, no wonder I like her. But I can't let her have the last word. Can I? "Well then, I guess it won't be long before I'm off to the peanut gallery."

Kate stared hard. "What are you going to say?" "The truth, that things really do go bump in the night and I'm the one that kills em." Kate became soft, almost sullen, something I'd never seen before.

"Faith, you can't tell them that. They'd never let you out, your just punishing yourself and hurting yourself is not gonna make it better." I just looked blankly so she continued. "Faith, I'm going to tell you something. About a year ago I was involved in a shoot out, bullets were flying all around me. I took a slug in the shoulder, my aim went wide and I shot someone who shouldn't have been there. I know what it feels like. I know the pain and the guilt."

She paused to see if I was able to comprehend.

Shit, let someone know you didn't finish high school and they think you're a product of incest or something! Kate abruptly cut off my thought pattern.

"The only difference between you and me was that I didn't try to go it alone." I just stared, what could I say, she had me pegged. "When you go it alone you're in the dark."

I nodded my head to agree as I looked over this blue eyed woman and I felt something that I thought was long since lost to me....trust. "Thanks Kate."

She just smiled. "You have a letter." Now I was shocked. I jumped up to take it "Who wrote me?" Kate laughed as she walked off. It was from Sunnydale. My heart began to race as I tore open the letter.

Couldn't believe my eyes, B wrote me! I skimmed over the letter. The usual, how are you, fine I hope. I've been thinking of you. I've been thinking of you, In what way? Still skimming, damn no clue. She's coming to visit. Now I'm scared. She's had time to think about what was said the last time we saw each other.

Energy, I had too much of it! I needed to talk. I went to the bars to see if Kate was still around. Fantastic! I called out. "Kate, Yo Kate!" She finally made her way over. "What do you need Faith?" Damn, was I that easy to pick? She saw right through my puzzlement. "I'm a cop it's my job."

I had to take a minute to shut my mouth, she has a way of leaving it hung open.

"Kate, what happened to you when you had your accident?" I could feel the look she was giving me, like I was up to something, but she wasn't going to leave me unsatisfied. "I went forward and admitted it. An investigation took place, I was suspended for a while. Finally, it was ruled accidental in the line of duty; I sat at a desk for months and had therapy."

I couldn't believe it! "That's all?"

She gave me one of those patented hard ass looks. "That's all!"

I looked down at the floor. "Kate, um, thanks for talking to me and not treating me like, well you know. The air grew cold, the ice queen has returned. "OK, Faith, What do you Really Want?" Damn she is good. Kate crossed her arms. "Give!" Laughing I replied "B's coming to visit again." "AND!" Kate responded. "And, well I'm scared. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do to make things better. Sorry, just doesn't cut it. I'm in jail and it's still not good enough; Other than me dying, what does it take for people to let you move on?"

I heard her sigh. "It takes time, Faith."

She didn't understand. "But Kate, I don't think I have a lot of time left."

At the mention of that Kate went into super cop overdrive; and I was backtracking, Fast. "Hey, I'm not saying I'm gonna do something stupid, I'm just having these dreams and sometimes my dreams happen."

Kate didn't respond, she waited for me to continue.

I took a deep breath. "I feel like I'm finally in place, where somebody wanted me, that everything else leading up to my new residence was some distraction just to get me here. And now I'm here, the real game can begin."

She didn't believe me! "And what's the game, Faith?"

I looked her straight in the eyes. "That's just it. I don't know, but I've got to find out, and fast."

Kate's resolve softened. "Should I call Angel?" I sat on my bed. " I don't know let me sleep on it."


(The sunlight flooded through my cell, blinking back the daylight, I rose up from my not so peaceful slumber. I was greeted with a soft "hello." I looked, trying to shield my eyes from the bright light. Nothing. "Who is it?" I asked. "You know." The voice replied. I felt myself enveloped in a soft embrace. I pushed myself back into the warmth and I felt the hold around me tighten.

"Be ready, it's coming." "Be ready for what?" I asked.

The soft embrace became a deathly grip. I felt my ribs cave from the pressure. I couldn't breathe.

Then I saw it. Greenish, yellow eyes, gray skin; I felt one set of claws dig in my side, while the other clawed hand grabbed my face, digging it's sharp nails into my flesh, pulling my head to the side. A mouthful of razors descended, ripping, pulling, devouring my neck and shoulder. Screaming, I woke up.)

"Hey, you all right in there?"

I looked at the cop, but looking at him made me shiver. The cop just smiled. I reached up and touched my neck, trying to rub the pain from my mind. I glanced back to where the cop stood only seconds before to find no one there.

I went to the sink to wash my face, still drying water from my face I slowly turned around.

"Faith" the voice called.


I bout jumped out of my skin. Removing the towel from my face I was relieved to find B standing there; worried look on.

"You ok?" she asked.

I couldn't resist. "five by five." I laughed. I had to, for old times sake, you know! I grinned up at her. Couldn't take it back now . B just stood there rolling her eyes.

I walked over to the bars where she stood. She caught her breath.

"God Faith, what happened to your face?" In my puzzlement I managed a "huh?" She reached out and touched me through the bars, slowly caressing my face.

"Your face is scratched."

I couldn't speak. I felt my jaw hit the floor. I reached up and felt my face. I fell back against the wall, knees weak, finding it real hard to pull a descent breath. I slid down the wall, contacting hard with the floor. I got lost in my own mind, falling into God knows where. When I came to my senses, she was calling my name and shaking me. . She pulled my face toward her, looking directly into my eyes.

"What's going on?"

I felt a tear fall, I tried to pull away but I was caught in her eyes and touch. She coaxed me, soothed me and well I never could resist, not really.

Finding my voice barely audible I began. "I've been having some dreams, I guess I scratched myself. It just feels strange, like it's real or something."

Buffy was trailing her hand from my face down to take my hand, once there she gave me the nod to carry on. I drew in a deep breath. "I'm not sure, It's always the same, kind of. I'm safe, surrounded by warmth, I get warned, then tore apart and when I wake I feel all kinds of pain and it seems like the cops are changing."

Buffy's grip tightened, her thumb tracing blazing trails over my hand.

"Do you know why?"

I reached with my free hand and placed it over hers, she continued tracing my skin with her thumb. I shut my eyes feeling her touch, she shook my hand pulling me back from ecstasy.

"Faith, do you know why?"

Blushing, I faced her again. " I think it has something to do with who I am, who my parents were. It's like everything was wiped away and all that's left is I'm Faith, nothing more."

"There's always the theory that I was grown in a lab."

She got upset at my last comment. She tried to pull her hand from me but I wouldn't allow it. She looked at me. I continued.

"Something is going to happen and I'm a big part of it, everything else was just to keep you from seeing the goal." I let her hand go.

"Is there anything else?" she asked.

"Yeah, these cops, they're really freaking me out. One day they're normal and the next they're off, you know?"

B was speechless and so was I. Finally, she spoke up. " I'll get Angel and call Giles and"...I cut her off. "B, what can they do? I'm In Jail, this is my fight, mine alone." She stood up and became the knowing bitch I know and love. Looking down on me she sneered.

"And with what are you going to fight?"

I smiled, "I guess I'll have to fight with faith."

She sat back down on the floor hard. I loved this!

"Come on B, You know you gotta have faith!"

She smiled, good I broke the tension. She gave me a little punch, "Really Faith!"

She's so cute when she's annoyed.

Part 3

B and I sat for hours, just basking in the quiet. Kate came over, looking at Buffy.

"Your time was up two hours ago."

We just looked at each other. I watched her get up to go. She turned around and gave me a half smile.

"I'll be back tomorrow; hopefully with some answers."

"B!" I called out. "Don't go to any trouble, you know I'm fucked up, that's probably all it is."

She looked really troubled. A thought rushed over me. I wonder if she's having dreams too. Maybe that's why she's here in the first place.

The day was long and boring. I was beginning to depend on Kate, well, her company. I was being patient, waiting, I knew she'd come and she was on her way now. Smiling, I pretty much jumped up to greet her. "What did you do today?"

She smiled, "so now you want to be a cop?"

"Who me? Nah! I want to be....." I stopped and thought. "A cops not bad, being like you is not bad either...." I stopped again. "I don't really know, I never had a choice. I guess I'd just like to be someone people cared about."

Kate pulled up a chair. "Don't start getting all sad on me. Here comes your dinner, sit down and we'll eat together; besides I want to hear more about these dreams. It was getting late. Kate had left to finish up the days work. She started to leave and saw me staring at her, she put her things down and came back over to say bye.


"Yeah," she replied.

"I'd feel better if you started carrying something for protection." Oh hell. I saw the look in her eyes. I felt it coming. She didn't like anyone questioning her skills. What a smart ass she could be, but I liked it.

"And what do you call my gun?" she spat.

Oh my God. What an attitude! So, I thought I'd give a little of what I got. "I call it suicide. It's great, I mean you can blow your head off so you don't have to see the demons pull the flesh off your bones. It'll come in real handy!"

Oh, I had her now. She just smiled.

"You can be a real bitch."

On second thought, maybe it was her who had me, but I couldn't resist. I couldn't let her have the last say. "Yeah, well you set the example so I learned from the very best!"

We both laughed. God, it felt so good.

"See you tomorrow," Kate said.

I looked at her seriously. "You know what I mean by protection don't you?"

"Yeah, I know, it's taken care of, thanks."

She made her way to her desk to pick up the last of her belongings. Some co-workers walked over to her, it seemed like we were the only ones here. I could feel the air grow thick, feel the tension, almost hear the draws of breaths.

I got as close to the bars as I could. There stood Kate in the middle of three cops. I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I strained my hearing, trying to catch what was going on. I focused, feeling fear rush over me.

Then it happened! The cops changed! Kate started fighting!


I cocked my leg back and kicked the bars so hard that they gave instantly; well maybe it was my knee that gave instantly, I definitely heard it scream!

I pushed my way through the new opening and made my way to Kate. I must've had a flashback of the WWF, cause I picked up a vamp, flipped him and flung him across the room. I knocked the others off of Kate, giving her an opening to produce a cross and some holy water.

I glanced around the room. I needed a weapon. Across the room was a wooden coat rack; that would have to do. I jumped over a desk, feeling my knee give as I landed.


One of the vamps was on me instantly. I needed a stake and damn it, I guess he was going with me to get it. I finally got to the damn rack, picked it up and shattered it on the floor.

I felt teeth rip the upper part of my back. I drew back my elbow and racked his brain; turning around, I plunged in a shard of wood. Dust formed a cloud around me.

I looked and saw Kate being held down. The vampires were toying with her. One had her shoulders pinned to a desk, the other was straddling her, running his filthy hands over her stomach and breasts.

It raised back, showing its teeth and just as it was about to make contact with her; I made contact with it! I dove head first into it, taking it and me over the side of the desk. I bounced to my feet, making one huge mistake. I forgot about the other vampire. I turned around just in time to see a chair coming at my face.

I heard Kate scream, "Faith!"

I thought I was dead, but it turned out I was pissed. He busted my goddamned head, nose and mouth.

"You son of a bitch!!!!"

I grabbed his head and tried to twist it off. I felt it break, but he was still alive, well sort of. I threw him to the side, picked up a piece of the broken chair and took out the vamp that was groping Kate.

I felt myself get dizzy. I stumbled and fell.

That vamp with the crook in his neck was coming at me. If I had been one hundred percent, Hell, fifty percent, I would have laughed at his afflicted ass.

I can't believe it. I'm gonna get took out by a bent up neck biter.

Kate must've took care of it with that holy water she'd been hogging, cause when I looked up he was sizzling.

Kate ran over to me. "Faith, come on we gotta get outta here!"

She helped me up. Arm in arm we headed for the door. We didn't get far; two more vamps were on their way in. Kate changed directions so fast that I stumbled and fell.

Oh, I was sick!

"Come on Faith, get up!" she yelled.

It was too late. One of the vamps had me and lifted me up off the floor.

And then it came.

My sickness, that is, spewing all over him. Never thought I could make a demon sick, but hey, he let me go. Even started gagging himself.

The other vamp backed off some. I managed a " man, I'm sick", and staggered towards him. I was sick but I wanted to get to the exit more. Kate followed my lead and stayed behind me.

But damn, I was really, really sick! I couldn't help it. I cleared us a path all the way to the stair exit.

Once inside, Kate bolted the door and practically drug me down the stairs and out the exit. Fate was a bitch! Outside we found a few more vamped out cops. One stepped forward.

"Don't fight it Faith, You were meant to lead us. Accept it."

"Fuck You!" I yelled.

Kate pulled me back. We were weaponless, hurt and sick; we were quite a pair. Just when the darkness descended and we were without hope. Angel, Wesley and Buffy appeared, driving over anything that got in their path and taking out what didn't with crossbows.

God, I was relieved. Kate threw me into the car and jumped in behind me.

I was grateful.

Grateful that Angel didn't throw my ass out when I puked in his prized convertible. I must've been contagious; Everyone was gagging.

I laughed to myself as I faded into dark.

I felt myself coming to. I couldn't see or hear very well, all I could make out was just some patches of light, shadowy figures and distorted voices. I was drenched, hot and extremely thirsty. I tried to move but it was if I was bolted down.

Someone came near and touched my face. I felt the bed give where they sat down. It had to be B. I could smell her perfume; it surrounded me.

"Buffy," I whispered . "I'm here," she said.

"Am I turning?"

She leaned down and brushed my cheek with her lips.

"I don't know," she whispered into my ear.

Her breath was like a warm breeze invading my body; swirling me in her essence. I floated for what seemed like forever.

"You'll have to kill me."

She brushed against my lips.

"Not yet," echoed through my mind.

I found myself floating in warmth, being held in secure, loving arms. I relaxed into the embrace. I felt my body pulsing with energy. Wind blew against me, through me, cooling every part of my body.

Every part of me was caressed, aroused, I felt myself giving into the ecstasy of touch.

I could feel the presence of people around me, I opened my eyes slightly, shadows were standing by the bed; I was too far gone to care. Shutting my eyes, I sunk back into the warmth, the passion.

Voices echoed.

"What's wrong with her?"

"I think she's being seduced."

The arms pulled me under, smothered me, surrounded me and the calm came.

"Are you ready?"

"Yeah," I replied.

Then I saw a series of moving pictures. St. Patrick's Church. Grave marker of Rynn Larkin. Name plaque of Father Davis. Large wooden crosses sharpened at all four points. A young woman wearing chainmail with a red cross blazing it. The crosses being used like a pair of blackjacks, blocking, defending, using all four points to penetrate the hearts of demons. She was kneeling, Bathed in holiness. Drinking the offering. Eating the body of righteousness. She glowed: Shined for all the dark to fear. I was raised up into the light.

"Remember," the voice said.

I woke up, still dizzy. I heard Kate call out, "She's awake."

I was weak. "I need."

" What? " Kate replied.

"Water, lots and the body of Christ."


Angel broke in; " it's those tablets the catholics use."

Kate stood up. "I'll get it."

Angel called out, "get as much as you can and make sure it's blessed!"

I was still sick and my upper back was on fire. Must have been a new breed of vampire; just biting you gave you an essence of the demon.

Buffy sat down by me. "Will you help me sit up?" I asked. "Yeah," she replied.

She put her arms around me and lifted me upwards; then pulled my legs over the side of the bed. When she let go of me, I lost my balance. She immediately pulled me back into her arms. I leaned into her embrace.

"Is there any holy water here?" I asked.

Angel brought a box over and opened it. B took out a small bottle of fluid.

"Do you want me to pour it on your wound?"

"No, I want to drink it." I replied.

Buffy just sat there. "Please," I said.

She took the top off and held it to my lips, I thought it would burn but it felt electrical. When I finished the bottle, I looked in B's eyes.

"I need more."

She held my gaze and nodded. She removed all the water from the box and helped me to drink it. Finally, she said "that's the last of it, but more is on the way."

"Where's Angel," I asked.

"I'm here, Faith." He stepped out from behind a shadowed area.

"Angel, I need to find St. Patrick's church."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, can you find out anything about someone named Rynn Larkin?"

"I'll see." And he left.

Kate finally made it back. She went a little overboard. She must've bought fifty gallons of water and had about four boxes of wafers, or whatever you call em.

I smiled up at her. She sat down on the opposite side of me.

Damn; Buffy on one side, Kate on the other and me in between. I repressed the thoughts as soon as I felt them.

Hell, even sick and weak, I still think I've got it going on!

Still wrapped in B's arms, I reach over and touch Kate's hand.

"Thanks, I wouldn't have made it without you." Kate smiled and squeezed my hand.

"What do you want us to do?" Kate asked.

I thought and replied. "Break the tablets into the water and let it disolve."

Kate pushed the hair back from my eyes. "They won't disolve but I'll put them in the water. Do you need anything else?"

My first thought involved a southern rush, but what came out was: " some tablets and water."

B, propped up some pillows and laid me back against them, handing me my water and wafers. I broke a tablet into the bottle I was fixing to drink and popped a tab in my mouth. I drank and ate while B and Kate put tablets into the water jugs.

When they had completed about twenty gallons, they turned.

"What else?" B asked.

"I need a bath," I said.

"I'll help," they replied in unison.

Now that caught my attention. I looked up to see them looking at each other.

Buffy said, "I'll help her, you continue with the water."

"We have enough water, you rest, I'll help her," Kate replied.

Buffy got louder, "She's my....". Kate cut her off.

"She's your what? She's your nothing! She's in my custody and I'm going to watch over her. You might try and kill her again!"


"Damn it," I said. "Just run the fucking water and I'll do it myself!"

"Who do you want to help?" B asked.

Well shit; things are fixing to get interesting!

Part 4

I found myself wrapped in a towel, sitting on the side of the tub, being stared at by two women who were waiting for some kind of sign.

"Is the water ready?" I asked.

Kate leaned over me to test the water; giving me a view of her breasts. She was so close to me that I could smell her scent radiating from her neck. I could feel and hear her blood pulsing; it was as if she were calling me to her.

I reached out and pulled her into me, pressing my mouth into her neck. I pulled her tighter, sucking harder.

She gasped!

I heard Buffy in the background.

"Oh my God! Faith, No!"

Buffy pulled me away from Kate. The horror on her face said it all.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know," was all I could manage.

I looked at Kate. "I'm sorry." I reached out and turned her head to see how much damage I had done. What I found was a hickey! I half smiled. Kate got up and went to the mirror. She turned around and looked at me in disbelief.

Buffy noticed the exchange and decided it was time to see for herself. Only, she wasn't embarrassed, she was pissed!

"What are you thinking? Do you want her or something?"

I didn't dare speak, or look at her. I just sat there looking at the floor; I was doing that a lot lately and it only angered her more.

"Fine, I hope it makes you sick!"

She turned and left. Kate went after her.

"Buffy, why are you acting like this? You know she's sick!"

Buffy looked away from Kate's eyes. " I know, she didn't know what she was doing. I just.....it freaked me out, ok?"

Kate nodded, "Yeah, me too."

I was still sitting on the side of the tub when Kate came back in.

"She ok?" I asked.

"She's five by five," Kate said, giving me a smile. I just smiled back at the blonde.

Kate looked down at me and blew out a heavy breath.

"Ok, times up." She said. I looked up at her. She smiled and blushed a bright pink. "Get in!" she laughed.

"Oh!" I was turning red now!

I lowered my towel and eased into the warm water. It felt great! Kate sat on the side of the tub.

"Lets get your hair wet."

She helped me sink under the water and brought me back up. She lathered up my hair. It was the best shampoo I'd ever had! When she finished rinsing my hair, she moved behind me, washing my back and cleaning my wound. I heard her start to laugh.

"Your gonna have to help! I'm not going to do it all!"

What could I say to that? I just had to give her one of my eat shit looks.

It took me awhile but I managed to clean myself pretty thoroughly. I sighed with satisfaction and leaned back against the tub. Kate was sitting off to the side, reading something or other.



"What did you tell them at work?"

She put her magazine down. "That something came after you, assisted by some of the cops in the unit. They tried to kill you, I got in their way and we escaped together. Now you're in a safe house, protected by me."



"Run me some more hot water."

Kate got up and began filling the tub with hot water. She looked at me lying there, taking in all my nakedness.

"You really are beautiful!"

I opened my eyes and tried to act modest by covering myself with my arms and hands.

"God, Kate! Quit looking at me so hard; you're giving me a complex!"

B must've heard me yell. She opened the door to the bathroom.

"Everything ok?"

We all exchanged glances back and forth from one another. "I need something to wear," I said. She produced a v-neck t- shirt and a pair of cotton boxers. I'm getting too predictable.

Kate took the opportunity to exit; leaving us alone in the bathroom. With me, being naked and B, well being her, my heart started to race.

"I'm sorry about earlier," she said.

She opened up a towel. I got up and she wrapped the towel, along with her arms, around me. I could've done it but I let her dry me off. I let her dress me also. What can I say, I'm evil!

I felt good. Clean clothes, clean body, wrapped up in B's arms. Only one thing would make it perfect.

I drew back, looked in her eyes and gently leaned in, pressing my lips against hers.

It was as if time stood still, her heat surrounding me. I made my lips slowly brush away from hers. Leaning back in, I touched her lips to mine, only this time I took in more, lingered longer and pulled my lips slowly, softly away from hers, causing friction. I backed away, giving her time to evaluate what just happened.

I was feeling better: A hell of a lot better! You could still see the disbelief on B's face as we left the small room.

Kate was putting fresh sheets on the bed and B practically ran to help her. I looked at both women. Two women, so different, yet I needed them both. They were the two sides to my coin . A realization hit me.

If these demons don't kill me; these women probably will!

I chuckled to myself.

"But what a way to go!"

A couple of days passed. I was still on my kick of eating those tabs, chased by holy water.

I was strong again.

I was cleansing my body from the inside out, I knew my new eating habits were going to be a lifetime practice. It was just part of me now. Funny, how it sustains me. Everyone thinks I'm losing my mind, again; but there is a method to my madness.

Angel found the church I was looking for. We're going there tonight. There wasn't any information on Rynn Larkin, but I knew I was on the right path and this time I was gonna go the distance.

Kate had been right. When you go it alone, you're in the dark! And I had people in my life now, people that I wanted to keep around.

I haven't seen much or Cordelia or Wesley. I can't blame them though. I heard Angel talking, seems that Cordelia's mind has been on overload with me around, Poor thing.

Kate brought me some clothes. Black athletic pants with white stripes down the sides, a white tank and a red athletic jacket. Oh yeah, and a pair of black stomping boots. She reads people pretty well.

I noticed that Angel has been keeping some distance between us lately. I wonder if he can sense anything.

The moving pictures come now whether awake or asleep. I think the only reason I seem more calm and focused is that I'm trying to put them together and make some sense out of all this.

Nightfall came. I heard everyone moving about upstairs. I got dressed quickly, grabbed some water, a handful of munchies and ran upstairs.

The trip seemed like an eternity and the silence was maddening. I looked at everybody, what a bunch of misfits we are.

Rain started to fall gently. The sound of it hitting the roof of the car was comforting. I looked at B sitting across from her ex lover, he ran deep in her, no doubt about it.

Kate must've read my mind; she touched my hand. I adjusted my hand to hers lacing our fingers together. She moved closer.

"It's going to be ok," she whispered.

I squeezed her hand. We were close now, real close. I could see the faint lights of the church. I rolled the window down a little; I needed some air.

Angel parked the car in the drive. I just sat there while everyone else got out. Finally, I collected myself and stepped out into the rain.

Angel, Buffy and Kate headed up to the church; but not me, I looked around and went into the graveyard. They all stopped and watched me go off into a different direction, but they didn't follow.

I went right to the headstone in my dreams. It read. Rynn Larkin. Beloved daughter and mother. Champion of all.

I fell to my knees crying. I didn't know if this was my mother or not, but just in case.

When I was all cried out; I got up and joined the others at the entrance of the church. Angel was reluctant to go in, but I wasn't going in without him. He gave in. I pushed both doors open and walked in like I owned the place.

A young priest came over.

"May I help you?"

I looked at this young boy. "Yeah I'm here to see Father Davis."

He looked confused. "Father Davis doesn't see anyone anymore, I'm the acting priest."

I didn't back down. "Get Father Davis! He'll see me, tell him Faith is here. Rynn Larkin sent me."

We were led into the rectory. Shortly, a very old priest arrived. I looked at him.

"Father Davis?"

He came directly to me. "Oh my, I thought you'd never come, you look just like her!"

"Who?" I asked.

"Your mother." He patted my shoulder. "I can't tell you about her, you have to remember on your own. "

I just looked into his eyes.

" I have your things. Come with me." He said.

I followed him up to the attic. There was a wooden trunk hidden under the floorboards. I freed it and held it like it was a piece of gold.

"There's a cleaning down the path, you'll be able to open it there." He said.

I was on my way out when he grabbed my arm and gave me a bag full of those tabs, he blessed them and me.

I was out the door before I knew it, leaving everyone behind. I found the clearing easily. It was as if I had been there hundreds of times. I walked to the center, kneeled and opened the wooden trunk.

I took out the first thing that caught my attention. A letter; I opened it and read.

Dearest Faith, If you are reading this, then you have already began purification. You must continue this for the rest of your life. Know that I tried to protect you but I could not even protect myself. In hiding you, I have only delayed the inevitable, and now that time has come. Your father was half demon. I was a slayer. I didn't know about the slayers rite of passage. All slayers, eighteen must endure it to survive. I endured but I walked away with you. You have two paths to choose from. Only you can decide. I pray that you will start where I left off. All will be revealed in time. For now dress in my gear, arm yourself and break the four glass jars on the ground. I will come and show you the way. With much love....

I stripped and took the clothes out of the trunk. Rich brown leather pants with a matching bustier. Brown boots. A metal vest with matching headdress.

I put everything on; strapped the sword across my shoulders and held up the large wooden crosses. Each end of the crosses was sharpened into a point, just like a stake. I noticed holding points on my boots and pants so I strapped the crosses on.

I got impatient and grabbed up the jars and smashed them to the ground. They mixed and began glowing.

Thunder roared, lightning crashed all around me. A mist rose up out of the powders. Colors blinded me, swirling around me; I was lit up by electricity.

I fell to my knees. I was lifted upwards into the light, arched backwards, unable to move. I could hear the thunder, see the lightning continuously crash around me, through me. I heard someone yell out.

Angel, Kate and Buffy heard the commotion and left the church. They saw the lightning and feared that Cordelia had been right.

"Faith!" Angel said.

They took off running into the storm. When they got there they stopped in their tracks.

I was convulsing; current was shooting through me. Powers, ages dormant were bestowing their gifts upon me. A lighted form approached. I screamed.

"Faith!" Buffy yelled.

She ran toward me only to be blown back by the light. The three onlookers watched in disbelief.

As quick as the fireworks started, they ended. I was left lying on the ground. Tears fell like pouring rain. I raised myself to my knees.

Buffy started toward me again but Angel held her back.

"Look at her," he said, "she's radiant."

I looked up at the sky and slowly got to my feet. I picked up my belongings and walked over to my friends.

"Lets go." I said.

"Where to?" Angel asked.

"Back to jail." I replied.

Kate started to protest but I looked at her cutting into her words saying, "The only way out is through, understand?"

So that's it, I'm back in the car heading to L.A., back to jail. My demon, my father is coming for me. I'm ready. He wants me and I'm going to let him have me.

They're going to be so surprised.

Title: Finding Faith con. Author: LizM ( lizm2267@hotmail.com) Rating: R Disclaimer:All BtVS are property of J.Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox. Pairing:F/K F/B Summary:Faith searches for inner answers and peace and finds herself. Spoilers: None

Conclusion (finding faith)

We never actually made it back to the jail. We were ambushed! Angel's car was shot up pretty bad; it's a shame. He really loved that car.

Dark's minions took us into custody.

Buffy, Kate and Angel fought like animals. I didn't, I stood back and watched the action.

One of the clan came up and grabbed me from behind. I knocked him off, turned around and slapped his face leaving a red trail where my nails made contact with his skin.

"How dare you touch me!" I said through clenched teeth.

I grabbed hold of him, squeezing; I felt my body release a powerful current, burning him from the inside out.

Everyone stopped fighting.

The minions and the dynamic trio stood before me, shocked into silence.

I looked at the trio saying. "It's useless to resist!"

Buffy cried out. "Faith, don't do this, fight it!"

My laughter echoed through the night. She started crying.

I glared at my minions; that's right, my minions, daring any of them to defy me.

"These three are promised to me, touch them and suffer my wrath!"

The clan led us to the place where the elders dwelled. Where I was supposed to become one with all evil. Imagine a slayer leading a war; given all the gifts the dark had to offer. I'd be unstoppable.

There were seven elders; given the positions according to strength and power. My father was top bastard. But soon, I would rule over him.

I can't really describe him. He wasn't really a vampire. He wasn't really a demon. He took on all forms; he was adaptable. I guess the best word is demon; that's what I use.

I walked up to the elders, looking down upon them; they were nothing, mere stepping stones. I carried myself like, I was regal or something. They were all quiet, waiting for me to lead them.

"Prepare yourselves!" I ordered.

I left the group to make my own preparations. Bestowed upon me was a black velvet robe. It was sleeveless and had a long plunging neckline. It was slit up both sides, all the way to the hip line. I had black lace up sandals, the kind like Jesus must've worn.

I dressed.

I could feel electricity coursing through my body. A higher power had hold of me; it flowed through me. I felt it move inside of me, guide me. I would never be alone again.

I made my way back to the elders, to the altar. They were dressed in flowing black robes. I looked at their hooded eyes.

"Remove your hoods and show your true forms!" I ordered.

They did as instructed and morphed into the demons in my dreams.

I looked over to where Angel, Buffy and Kate were being held. I motioned for them to be brought closer.

"Keep them near," I said.

I looked at the seven chosen ones. The moonlight lit up their demonic faces. I smiled at them.

I climbed up and laid- back on the altar. The elders gathered round. I put them in place; with my father at my head and three to each side. They waited for me to speak.

" I'm going to release the power within; when this happens you must all drink from me and then I will drink of you. We must be as one to call our master."

I closed my eyes. My adrenaline was pounding through my body. My heartbeat was banging in my head. I relaxed as best I could and let the power flow through me, consume me.

My eyes shot open!

"Drink me now!" I screamed.

I felt my skin tear at my neck, arms, thighs and ankles. My flesh ripped and burned. I could feel the hot, sticky wetness running down my skin.

My blood flowed!

I heard them gulping, sucking at my life force, swallowing my essence.

I shuddered!

All at once, they drew back, looking at me in shock and wonder. My father yelled. "What have you done?"

I sat up, weak, staring at him. I smiled.

He reached out to grab me.

I was soaked in my own blood and when his hand touched me he began to burn. He stepped back, amazed.

"What did you do?" He screamed.

I smiled, stood up on top of the altar and in angered voice yelled.

"You fucked me, so I fucked you!"

The seven were starting to burn. I could see them squirming, becoming bright embers.

I laughed and yelled out.

"The body is eighty percent water. It's a part of every living tissue, including blood. My eighty percent is Holy water!"

The minions were realizing what was happening. I looked at my friends standing there, I yelled. "Now would be a good time to start kicking some ass!"

And they did!

The elders reached their burning peak and combusted. Knocking me backwards and knocking me out.

The fighting continued without me.

I woke up being stared down at by my friends, my family, Angel, Buffy and Kate. I smiled up at them asking. "Did we win?"

"Hell Yeah!" B yelled.

What demons they didn't kill ran off into the night. The clan would regroup and be back; I didn't know when but I knew they'd return.

I spent a couple of days in the hospital, courtesy of the L.A.P.D....I had a concussion.

I'm fixing to be released and returned back to the county jail.

I walked into the headquarters, cuffed of course and I see Angel, Buffy and Kate, Hell even Wesley and Cordelia showed.

I look at B and Kate. I'm going to have to choose between the two of them someday, but not today. I'll have to wait and see what develops.

Time will tell!

Our hands moved in sync, pushing into the depths of each other.

The hot water washed over our bodies making us more fevered.

We rocked against one another, going deeper inside and moving our thumbs to meet that lucious nub of electricity.

"Faster. Yes. There. Harder."

Frantically we pushed on, over and over, sighs and moans, pushing us closer to our common goal.

We collapsed onto each other, gently caressing, lightly kissing. We just stood under the hot water; arms wrapped around one another, smiling.

Suddenly, we were knocked out of our afterglow.

Honey, I'm home!" The voice called.

She went into panic!

"Oh my god....You have to leave.....We're gonna get caught!"

I dried off as fast as I could and jumped into my clothes.

"Hurry!" She said.

"I'm hurrying!"

I stepped halfway out the window and looked back at this beautiful woman before me.

She smiled. "I love you, Faith."

I smiled back. "I love you too, B." I gave her a quick kiss before I lowered myself to the ground and made my way back to my car.

Ok, I chose Buffy and she chose me, kind of. You know how uptight she is; so she's in the closet, so to speak.

I start my car and begin the long ride home.

B and I meet once or twice a week. We talk on the phone almost every day. It hurts that she can't be with me openly. She worries about what people will think of her.

I spent about seven months in county before I made it to trial. My case was thrown out; no witnesses, no bodies to be found, no reports, no nothing. It's hard to convict you of something that nobody gave a damn about, well except for me.

Time moves fast! I've been free and clean for about eight months now.

I work with Angel. I also do some bounty work in my spare time, not that I have any spare time.

I travel back and forth between L.A. and Sunnydale. I'm a part of both worlds.

I did happen to receive a few gifts from the PTB.

I have the most amazing senses now!

I can conduct current through my body like an electric wire.

I can see the future. In a few years I give birth to a daughter. She has a great life ahead of her. She'll be a part of the Trinity! Oh, did I say, she's gonna be a slayer. I name her Angelanne. Angel for the vampire that saved my soul, and Anne for the slayer that gave me heart.

My Favorite gift is that I have the power to make things happen. If I want something, I visualize it happening and it does!

I know what you're thinking, but the PTB monitors me. They only let things happen that are good or that are meant to be, like the Trinity.

Hell, I can even get a woman pregnant!

Just ask B, in about six months. Right now she's in denial. She just keeps on saying that it belongs to that man of hers.

Yeah Right!

When our kid's born, B won't be able to deny it. My kids gonna be a carbon copy of me!

I let out the laughter that I've been holding in.

Man that beefstick's gonna be really pissed!!!

I pull up outside of my apartment, my apartment; it feels great to have a place of my own.

I look around to see if anyone or anything followed me. I know it's only a matter of time before one of the clan comes after me.

Hell, anyone could come after me! That law firm is still pissed about that fifteen thousand dollars.

Inside my apartment, I finally relax. I pick up the mail and make my way to the bed. I sit down and open up an envelope.

I hear something move. I jerk around. It's just the cat.

"Damn cat!" I sigh.

I relax and start going through the mail again. I can hear a noise off to the side of me. I am so going to kill that cat!

I look up to see what it's doing.

A dark figure rushes me, putting all its weight on me, forcing me back against the mattress. It pins one hand and turns my head to the side, making contact with my neck.

It only took me a few seconds to compose myself.

I rolled it over onto its back, changing positions with it. I was on top now. I was the one in control.

I stared into those dark eyes.

"Hi Kate." I said.

"Hey, baby," she said smiling.

I smiled back, rubbing my hand over her swollen belly, leaning in for a passionate kiss. . Ok, so I chose Kate too.

I mean, come on now! It's like being given a piece of cake and getting to eat it too! Only I was given two pieces and getting to eat both!

I've said it before. I'll say it again.

"If the demons don't kill me, these women probably will."

"Who am I?"

"I'm Faith Lockley." "The dawn treader," that's what all the evil ones call me.

I took Kate's name because she's the only one who offered it to me . And as for my daughter: Her full name is going to be Angelanne Lockley. I'm naming her Lockley for the woman that gave me a life. As to the names of the other two, guess!

I know in the end that I'll get caught.

But for now..........


Continued In Change Of Heart

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